To Save Them



By Chibi-red



Summary: Set in Season 7/ BTVS. Sequel to, ‘To Save Her’ (please read first in order for this to make more sense) Spike and Buffy are expecting twins when the battle occurs between the slayers and the First, Spike dies as in the show (awaah, he comes back) this is how and why….From Spike’s POV



(This is my first POV attempt; let me know if it works)



Rating PG13



My eyes squinted against the blinding light. The last thing I remembered was the cave and my body burning from within. “Bloody Hell what a memory!” I couldn’t see anything around me, just light that was so bright I couldn’t fully open my eyes without pain. ‘Is this heaven?’ I wondered. The sound of footsteps made me look to my left, or squint to my left actually. I narrowed my eyes against the light and was able to make out a woman, dressed in white. She stepped closer and leaned over my supine body. Her blurred face appeared somewhat familiar, but the glare from the light made it difficult to see any distinct features.



I blinked several times, “Are you an angel?” I croaked through a dry throat, my voice coarse and scratchy.



“Not hardly, Spike. Here, let me help you up.”



Anya!



She helped me to a sitting position as she continued to stand. “You expired too, uh? Just like milk.”



Even though I was still confused I did remember dying. “Where are we? Is this heaven?”



Anya snorted, “No! It’s just a big white room that is so boring I thought I would die…or die more…” She let the sentence trail off. “At least you’re here now, and I’ll have someone to talk to. Won’t that be fun?”



I scowled at her then stood and began to look around as my eyes became more accustomed to the light. The room was completely white, just as Anya had said. No furniture or walls for that matter, just endless white. I looked over at Anya who was dressed in a white gown that covered her from head to toe. “Nice dress. Pick the color out yourself?” I might have recently died but there was still room for well placed sarcasm.



“Don’t know why you’re so snippy. I could say the same for you, although you look good in white. Don’t know why you never wore it.”



I looked down at my clothes which were exactly as Anya had described, white. I had on a white long sleeve tee shirt which was tucked inside a pair of white denim pants. Even my shoes were made of some kind of white suede type material. “Well don’t I look like a ‘bit of sunshine,” I replied letting the disdain drip off every word. “Anya, I a’sume if you’re here; where ever the hell here is, then you bit the big one, too. Sorry, Pet.” Anya was a strange bird but we understood each other and we had shared a spot of comfort once. Well, that didn’t turn out so well but we had a history and I hated that she had died during the fight.



Anya dismissed my comment with a wave of her hand, “That’s alright, Spike. I appreciate it, but I kind of knew I was going to die, I had this whole ‘I’m not going to make it’ vibe before the battle.” We stool silent for a moment, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I looked around trying to figure out the place. I could feel Anya watching me. “Uhh, you know Spike, a girl gets lonely when she’s left all alone in a big white room, all by herself.”



I turned to look at her, frowning in confusion, “How long have you been here? I figure we died at about the same time, what with bein’ in the same battle and a’ll.”



She rolled her eyes, “Does time really matter? For a ‘minute’ or so, I thought I was going to be here all alone, never to have sex and orgasms again…then here you are and I just thought we could….”



“Not going to happen, pet. I don’t fancy spending eternity shagging with you. Well…. not that it’s not a nice thought; just give a mate a minute to get his bearings.” I really didn’t want to spend the rest of my afterlife with a hurt rejected ex-vengeance demon.



Anya looked at me with that silly cute grin she has. I guess she was just happy I was open to the idea of sex and that she wasn’t alone any longer. I started to walk around the white space, looking for any clues of where we were. Anya interrupted my search by saying, “I hope we’re missed. And Xander Harris had better cry and pound his chest in angst after I’m gone. I gave him many years of great sex and companionship. It would not be unlikely than he will erect some sort of monument in my honor. You know, one that says, ‘To Anya Christina Emmanuelle Jenkins, ex-vengeance demon, friend, lover and martyr for mankind….Something in bronze.”



I stopped my wonderings and looked over my shoulder at Anya. Was she nuts? “I imagine they’re too busy getting the hell out of Dodge.”



“Dodge? Why would they go to Dodge? It’s way too hot there.”



I cocked my head and gaped at her. It was going to be a long eternity. “Just a figure of speech, luv. I mean, that just before I died the walls of the cave were falling in and probably most of Sunnydale.” My voice trailed off as I thought of Buffy, wondering if she and the rest of the gang made it out alive. My last clear vision before I died was of Buffy running for safety. I started to shake uncontrollably. Fear for Buffy and our unborn children filled me. I sank to my knees, my chest tightened as tears filled my eyes. I didn’t even care how it looked; my only thoughts were of Buffy and the boys. Nothing else mattered.



I vaguely heard Anya continued to ramble on about the eulogy she was likely to receive, completely oblivious to my reaction. “….And Giles will rename the Magic Box, if there is a Magic Box, in my memory.” I guess she finally noticed I wasn’t listening as I stared off into space, shaken. She awkwardly patted my shoulder and said, “There, there Spike. I’m sure they’ll name something in your honor, like a cemetery or something.” She was clearly pleased with her own ability to comfort a fellow dead person.



“I’ve got to get out of here!” I said more to myself than to her.



“There is no getting out of here, Spike. We are…” she looked around and threw up her arms is despair, “I don’t know where we are but I’m sure it’s a one way trip.”



I looked around, my eyes wide with desperation. I shouted at the top of my lungs, “Listen you sodding wankers, I want some answers and I want them now! You can’t keep me here! I’ll find a way.” The last was said with much less bravado, my shoulders fell in defeat. Tears welled in my eyes. I thought I had felt misery and pain before but this feeling was total anguish and it filled my heart completely. They say you can’t die of a broken heart, well I’m dead and I guess technically that would be true but if I’m dead why does it hurt so bloody much?



Things had been so good between me and Buffy since we returned from the alternate dimension. I fell in love with her all over again as the life we had created grew inside of her. I remembered how we laid in bed at night as I rubbed her growing stomach and planned our future. A bittersweet smile formed on my lips when I remembered how we had ‘argued’ over names, never agreeing on the final choice. I don’t think I can endure eternity without her.



Anya didn’t know what to do with me, a brokenhearted vampire. Her limited experience as a human probably left her clueless. But I guess she felt she had to do something, “Spike. I can feel your pain and it hurts. I’m sure Buffy and the babies are fine. And I know Xander and the others are fine…. of coarse they’re fine. Why wouldn’t ‘they’ be fine, after all we were the demons and deserve to die? They’re human and therefore will live. It’s just not fair.” She stopped as she noticed her words of comfort had turned into ranting.



Anya frowned down at me and offered, “Do you really think they got out alive? I was really mad at Xander for awhile, but I wouldn’t really want anything to happen to him. And Buffy didn’t kill me that time I ‘accidentally’ maimed those frat boys; in which I am very grateful. Willow was pretty nice to me and I felt somewhat close to her, but not in a lesbian way. And, poor Dawn; the little kleptomaniac, who will comment on her shiny hair with me gone? Although, I won’t miss that screech. Gawd….” She noticed I wasn’t listening to her; instead I had my head cocked to one side in concentration. “Spike! If we’re going to spend eternity together, at least you shouldn’t start out by being rude!”



“Be quiet Anya! I thought I heard something.”



“What did you hear?” She looked around with fear, “You… you don’t think there’s any white…bunnies here do you?”



I stood slowly, giving her an annoyed look in the process, “No, Anya. No bunnies. I heard a swooshing sound…there it is again. Did you hear it?”



“No. Could it be wind? Or maybe it could be coming from that mist forming over there,” she said as she pointed to an area behind me.



A low swirling mist was forming a few yards away. As the mist began to rise, the swooshing sound became louder. We watched as the mist inched its way closer. The sound had reached a pitch that was close to becoming unbearable when it abruptly stopped and the mist cloud started to separate. Standing in the middle was a young woman with light brown hair and soft brown eyes. A peaceful, kind smile played on her lips as she said, “Hi guys.”



“Tara!” we both exclaimed at the same time.



She chuckled at our shocked expressions, and then slowly walked toward us.







Chapter Two



Anya and I stood with our mouths agape trying to understand why and how Tara was standing in front of us.



“What’s going on, Glenda?”



She smiled at the nickname I had always called her. I was hoping she could explain what was happening to us, other than…you’re dead. Got that part by myself. Maybe it was up to her to fill us in and explain why we were here and what was to happen to us now that we were dead.



“Spike, Anya, this is an area of….between. It is neither heaven nor hell, but rather a place to go when it is unknown where you two ‘should’ go. The two of you did a lot of bad in your time. But, both of you showed great goodness in sacrificing your life for mankind. And for this reason, the ‘Powers that Be’ have decided to give you both a second chance.” Her voice and shy smile were the same, but something was off. Yes, now I know, it was the stutter Tara always had when she was nervous. It was gone. Her voice was still soft and sweet but with a bit more confidence.



We looked at each other then back to Tara.



“Second chance?” Anya asked.



“We can go back to Buffy and the others?” I asked as a little spark of hope started to grow.



“If that is what you wish.”



“Hell, yes! Where do I go?” I stepped closer to Tara, eager to get back to Buffy and our children.



Tara’s smile faded. I could tell that she was reacting to the look of hope and excitement on my face. I could never hide what I was feeling, no matter how I tried. But, I was never one to miss the details, so when I saw her face I stopped, tilted my head to one side and asked, “There’s a catch, right?”



Anya interrupted, “Catch? Crap! Even death is complicated. Why is there a catch? I’m tired of catches.”

Tara looked at both of us as she started to explain, “Every action has consequences, and your deaths caused some things to change.”



“Price to pay, is that it? Thought burning up from the inside to save the world was price enough, but I guess not for these sodding Powers that Be!” I couldn’t stand still any longer and began to pace back and forth.



Anya watched me pace for a minute then turned to Tara. “I’m done! These Powers that Be-‘a pain in my ass’ can do what ever they want but I’m done playing as their chew-toy. Stupid Powers. Who do they think they are?” She paused mid-rant and frowned. “Who are they anyway? I mean if ‘they’ get to decide my fate don’t I at least get to meet they? It’s really impolite to send someone to limbo without ever introducing themselves.”



I stopped my pacing and turned to Tara. “Demon-girls’ got a point, as much as I hate to admit it, but who are these gits that get to decide what’s to happen to us?”



Tara looked uncomfortable, but offered a small smile anyway. “The powers are hard to explain.”



“Try!” The single word was said with such a calm, steel voice that it made Tara wince. She probably knew she had nothing to fear from me but I hoped my manner and tone would convince her to open up. I can be right intimidating when I wanted to.



“Let me explain. The Powers that Be are more of an entity, a force of nature that’s been around since creation…a balance between good and evil. Both forces exist and the Powers keep this balance in check.”



“So, these are the same Powers that ‘Whistlet’, told me about. The same ones that sent him to me in that other dimension.” Tara nodded her head but said nothing, letting me piece it together by myself. “These here ‘Powers’ aren’t suppose to intervene, if memory serves me, then why are they interfering now?”



“The Powers want to reward you two for your act of heroism. You two can go back to the mortal world, but you have to know that some things have changed since you two died.”



“What’s changed? It’s only been a few minutes or at least a few hours since we died how much could have changed?” asked Anya.



Tara continued to look uncomfortable as she tried to find the words to explain what had happen to Buffy and her friends since the apocalypse. “I…I don’t know how to tell you but just say it…..it’s been five years since you…left.” She paused, letting it sink in and what that meant. Anya and I stood there, speechless, trying to understand it all. Five years! How the hell did that happen?



“Is…she al’right?” It was the first thought in my mind, her safety. “And the boys are they…..” I couldn’t finish. Five years! They would be five years old now. I had missed everything about their birth and the first few years of their life. I could feel the anger and determination filled me. I wasn’t going to miss anymore! “What do I have to do to go back? Anything!”



Tara smiled at me. She knew how determined I could be and that I would do what ever it took to be with Buffy and to be with my children. Glenda had always understood me when no one else had.



Anya stood to the side, watching Tara and me. I suppose she didn’t want to be left out. “I’ve changed my mind. A woman has that right, you know. I want to go back, too. And I’ll do anything, just like Spike. Only not anything painful, because that whole split down the middle was enough. And not any bunnies. That would just be mean.”



Tara giggled as she said, “No bunnies, Anya, and no pain either.” She paused and became serious again. “Not any physical pain anyway, but things have changed in the last five years.”



“How’s that?” I asked. I wanted to get all the details. Something told me that it wasn’t going to be all peachy when I returned.



Tara took a deep breath and started to explain. “Since the two of you…died, it’s been really hard for Buffy and Xander. Willow,” a smile escaped when she mentioned her lover’s name, “has gone to England to live and is working with a coven there and helping Giles with the new council. Dawn graduated and is in college back east, and all the new slayers have spread out, learning and exploring their new powers. The world is different now that there are so many slayers. The demon population is really down so Buffy and Xander have a relatively normal life now.”



“But there’s more to it right?” I asked. There’s always more.



Tara looked at the both of us, uncertainty crossing her pretty features. I could sense her discomfort. “Just spit it out, pet. What ever it is, we’ll deal…anything to get back.”



She swallowed the lump in her throat. Even as a celestial being, I got the impression Tara didn’t like confrontation. “Like I said, it hasn’t been easy for them. Everybody left to go their own way, leaving the two of them alone. Sunnydale was gone,” she looked at me and smiled, knowing I knew how that happened, “so they settled in a small town on the coast, about an hour from L.A. Xander is working construction, actually he’s a site manager.”



“I knew he could be a productive member of society,” Anya said with a proud smile on her face.



“And Buffy and the boys? What about them?” I needed to know but at the same time I had a pretty good idea what was coming. There was a deep sense of dread in the pit of my stomach.



“Well, like I said, they settled in a small town near the coast. After the boys were born, Buffy spent the first year or so totally occupied with them, letting Giles and the others handle the new slayers and getting the council up and running again. Xander worked to support the four of them. Buffy took ‘sorta’ like a ‘slayer maternity leave’, which wouldn’t have been possible if all the potentials hadn’t been turned into real slayers.”



She was stalling, rambling on and not getting to the real point. “And?” I asked, encouraging her to continue.



Tara twisted her hands then took a deep breath, looking at both of us she said, “They’re getting married.”



“To whom?” asked Anya; clearly not please with this new information.



I pursed his lips and accepted what I had guessed all along, “To each other. Right?” Damn!

Before Tara could answer, Anya stammered, “I…I knew there was something between them all along. Buffy this and Buffy that, always about Buffy. That was our problem all along. It wasn’t my being an ex-vengeance demon that Xander couldn’t deal with, it was Buffy. I could never be….her.”



Anya continued to ramble but Tara’s focus was on me. I could feel her eyes follow me as I stepped off to the side, lost in my own thoughts. She walked over to me placing a hand on my shoulder. “Spike, it wasn’t like that. She really loved you. You know that, right?”



I couldn’t keep the smirk from my lips, “Yeah, knew she didn’t love the whelp that way. Guess with me gone…. I’m just glad she had someone to help her, with the boys and all.” I straightened my shoulders turned to her, my mind made up. “If she and the boys are al’right and Harris is with her, then there’s no need for me to go back. Seems like she’s doing okay for herself, and the boys need a real man for a dad, not some undead….dead vampire for a father. Think I’ll just stick around here and let them be.”



Tara frowned. I don’t think she expected that. “Spike, you have to go back!”



“And why is that? Need an usher for the wedding?” I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice but the hurt wouldn’t let me.



“No. You have to go back because Xander isn’t the one she’s supposed to be with….you are.”



I looked at her and frowned, not believing what she said. “If that were true; then why did the ‘Powers’ let me die in the first place? Seems like a lot of bloody effort to let me die then bring me back again.”



“I don’t know all the reasons, but I do know that you’ve been giving another chance and you should take it. Buffy needs you.”



“Why’s that? She seems happy enough, getting married and settling down real normal like, just what she always wanted. She doesn’t need me in her life.” Wasn’t sure she was buying it and I knew how I sounded, but as much as I wanted to be with her again, she deserved better.



Tara smiled and stepped closer and took my hand in hers, “She needs you because she’s not really happy. Like I said, Xander isn’t who she’s supposed to be with. She supposed to be with the man she’s still in love with, and besides, the boys need their real father. Xander is a good substitute but you’re what they need.”



“You think they need a vampire for a daddy? Humph!” A ‘right’ real pity party I had going for myself. I just wanted to be left alone, let me wallow in self-pity for awhile then maybe I can deal with all this. Buffy and Harris! I shook my head hoping to clear the mental image.



Tara took a deep breath and dropped the other shoe. “You won’t be a vampire when you go back. You’ll be human.”



I jerked my head back. Was I hearing her right? “How’s that again?”



“Well, the amulet that you wore was a cleansing talisman from the Powers, it allowed you to kill all those uber-vamps and in the process it cleansed the demon in you.” She could tell I didn’t really believe her. “Go on and try to get into game face.” She watched silently as I tried to bring forth the demon vestige that was so much a part of me for over a hundred years.



When a vampire changes into what is called ‘game face’ it takes a bit of concentration. At first it takes some effort and practice but after more than a century all I had to do was think about it and I could change with no effort at all. I tried but the fangs and the face wouldn’t come forth.



I couldn’t change! I turned and looked at Tara as a huge grin spread across my face. “It’s gone…the demon is gone. I…I…don’t know why I didn’t feel it before, but it’s really gone.” Suddenly I grabbed Tara and swung her around. Tara laughed until I sat her back down. Anya, not wanting to be left out said, “Me next….me next. I want to be twirled!” Tara and I looked at her as if she was crazy. But what the hell, I grabbed her and started to spin around again.



“Stop! Stop! I’m getting sick.” I stopped and sat her down. “Well, that looked way more fun than it really is. But thanks anyway, Spike for the effort.” She flashed a grin at me then turned to Tara. “Am I going to be any different when I go back? I wouldn’t mind being a natural blonde, because Xander evidently prefers blondes, not that Buffy is a true blonde. A girl can tell you know.”



“Anya, you were human when you died so you’ll go back as you were, but I’ll put in a good word for you on the blonde thing.”



“Oh, thanks.” Anya beamed, obviously looking forward to her new look.



“Getting back to the subject, how will all of this happen? I mean will we just…’poof’ and go all ‘beam me up Scotty’ and just appear?” I asked.



Tara smirked at me and explained, “It’ll be something like that but the Powers will give them some warning so they won’t be scared to death when they do see you.”



“Warning? How?” we both asked.

******
Tara waved her hand over a swirling white orb. As the mist cleared I could see Buffy. She was lying in bed, her blonde hair mussed about her face, one arm thrown over her head. My chest tightened as I watched her toss and turn in her sleep. Tara stood beside me and whispered, “She’s dreaming of you, Spike. She’s dreaming of you when you died, burning in the cave. This is the point when she usually wakes up, heart pounding and crying, only this time the dream will change.”



I could hardly speak, watching her as the tears ran down her face. My own tears threatened to fall, I wanted to go to her and hold her. “How?” I whispered, “How will it be different?”



Tara smiled and placed her hand in mine, “This time you’ll leave with her…out of the cave.”



I watched as the scowl on her face faded and a smile formed instead. I swear I could hear her whisper my name as she turned on her side and burrowed deeper in the covers with the smile still on her face.




Chapter Three



I stood outside her house, in the shadows like I had so many times before when I was…stalk… watching over her. How many times had I stood in the dark, smoking my cigarette, fantasizing about her? Now here I was outside again, only this time it was different. I was different. The demon I had lived with inside me was gone. It’s hard to explain what it’s like. The hunger for blood was an obvious missing aspect but it was more. I no longer felt the need to kill. When I got my soul back last year; after the crazy’s left me, I had to hold in that urge to kill and the craving for blood was always there, like an addict’s need for drugs. It never faded; I just pushed it aside because my ‘bloody’ conscience told me it was wrong. Now don’t be mistaken, I still regret all those years of killing and generally being evil, but there’s somethin’ ‘bout burning and dying…. again, that changes a mate’s perspective. I guess that demon cleaning I went through helped with that.



So, here I am, standing in the dark watching her muddle around the kitchen and I’ve never been more afraid in my life. The ‘big bad’, cowering in the bushes. What a joke! I shook my head, trying to clear some of the jitters. ‘Well, nothing to be done with puttin’ if off….here I go….just gonna walk right up to the door and knock. No need to put it off.’



Before I could step out of the shadows, I heard a car pull into the driveway, the headlights flashing past me. I stepped back quickly, back into the shadows. I watched as Harris stepped out from behind the wheel. “Bloody wanker.” A bright surge of anger swept over me. Harris and my Buffy together! Remember what I said about the need to kill being gone, well, I lied. The thought of him with his hands on her made me want to…. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. No point in going all ‘green-eyed’ monster. It wasn’t his fault I left her and the boys. Well, it wasn’t really anybody’s fault. It was just the way it happened.



Anya decided at the last minute to wait until I broke the big news then ‘pop’ in. Coward! Just as well I guess, left me alone to do the deciding on the time and place of this little reunion.



My original plan was to wait and ‘suss out the situation before I let my presence known. Tara could have been wrong and Buffy didn’t need me. What if she had fallen in love with Harris?



I did have a plan, really I did, but waiting wasn’t ever my strong point, so before Harris reached the front steps I stepped out of the shadows. “Hello, monkey boy,” I said as he turned to face me. It was almost worth my death to see the look on his face. He opened and closed his mouth a few times like a big fish gulping for air.



Words finally came to him and he stammered, “Who…What…How?”



I guess some things don’t change. “Yeah, it’s me. Long story.” He reached his hand out and touched my arm as he studied me. He was trying to come to grips with me standing in front of him. His eyes had that bugged out look he used to get.



But some things do change. He had aged. More mature I guess you would say. He had lost those extra pounds he had gained the year after he and Anya broke up. I hated to admit it but the whelp looked good, not that he did anything for me but I could see how Buffy would have turned to him…. But why the hell was she getting married to him?



“Spike?” He pulled his hand back and reached back to easy himself down to the porch steps. “How?”



I watched as he tried to piece things together. I kept quiet; needed to give the boy time to adjust. I pushed my long duster aside and sat beside him on the step. “I know it’s a bit of a shock, but it seems that the ‘Powers that Be’ are giving me a second chance, let me come back to…back here.” I didn’t want to come storming in and take away his bride to be. Hell, who was I kidding, that’s exactly what I wanted to do but I owed it to the whelp to give him time to adjust.



“Xander? Are you a’right? You seem a bit pale.” Pale really wasn’t the right color, it was more of a green.



He shook his head and looked me right in the eyes. “What are you doing here Spike? You don’t expect to just come walking back here and start up where you left off do you? Because I gotta tell ya, things have changed. Buffy’s changed, we’ve changed.”



He had no way of knowing that I knew about him and Buffy so I kept it to myself, gave him some time to tell me. “Is that right? How’s that?”



“Well, first of all, Buffy not slaying anymore. She’s busy talking care of the boys….” His voice trailed off as his eyes widened. “The boys, you don’t know about the boys. Do you? I mean it’s been five years since you…died. Buffy had a hard time of it after you left, what with raising the boys by her self and all.”



“Harris, relax. Buffy was pregnant before I left remember. And for the record, it’s only been minutes since I left. It seems that time up there….or over there or where the hell I was, doesn’t mean anything. I know it’s been five years here, but it’s like I just left for me.”



I watched as Xander shook his head. “Are you still with the ‘grrr’ and undead?”



In spite of the situation I laughed. “No not undead or ‘grrr’. The Powers pulled a Pinocchio on me. Seems I’m a real boy…uh man. Heart beat and all.” I couldn’t keep the grin from my face.



“Just what she always wanted,” he said under his breath but I heard it anyway. He looked at me and added, “There’s more to it but I think it should come from her, not me.” He stood to leave and turned to face me. “Just tell her I’ll call her tomorrow.”



I wanted to say something but I didn’t know what it would be. How do you tell a man that you’ve come to take his fiancé away from him?



He walked to his car then turned, “Spike, don’t hurt her. She’s been thru enough.”



I watched him leave and for the first time I regretted that we had never been friends. Then I remembered, “Hey Harris!” He turned and eyed me suspiciously. “Things have a way of working out for the best ya’ know.” He answered with a slight nod of his head and got in his car and pulled away.



I looked up and said, “Now’s the time, Anya. If you’re going to do it, do it now.” I just hoped she would be there when he got home.




Chapter Four



My heart raced as I stood in front of the door. For about the millionth time, I wondered if Tara was right. Did Buffy still love me? A lot of things could change in five years. Before I agreed to come back, I had made up my mind that even if Buffy didn’t feel the same, I wasn’t gonna’ leave her and the boys alone….again.



Raising my hand I knocked and waited. I could hear footsteps coming to the door and I held my breath. Still gettin’ used to the breathing part. The door opened letting the light from the room spill out onto the porch. She looked at me, eyes widened and her mouth formed a perfect O as she gasped. She was probably expecting Harris, and instead got her dead lover.



We stood there, both taking in the other. She hadn’t changed all that much except around the eyes. They were still the most incredible green I would get lost in time after time but they had dark circles under them now and small lines like people got when they’re tired. I wanted to say something witty to make her smile hoping that would change the look of stress on her face. All I could come up with was, “Hi honey, I’m home,” done in my worst Ricky Ricardo voice.



Right! No impersonations, bad first impression that was. I stepped closer into the light and watched as her eyes swept over me and settled on my face. I gave her a small smile. I was getting worried. She still hadn’t said anything. She just stood there with her eyes wide and her mouth open.



I reached in, hand shaking a bit and placed my finger under her chin to close her mouth.



I guess the contact brought her around because she shook her head slightly and whispered, “Spike? Is it really you?”



My heart broke when I heard the disbelief and pain in her voice. “Yeah, luv it’s me.”



“You died.”



I shrugged, trying to make light of it, “So did you.” That brought a faint smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. It suddenly became my mission to bring the light back to her eyes. “You gonna let a mate in or you gonna’ let me freeze my ass off out here.”



“Oh…oh yeah. I invite you in,” she stepped away from the doorway giving me room to pass. She had said it like she was giving the invitation to a vampire, letting me in even if I was still a demon. For some reason that touched me. Plenty of time later for a full confession. Let her get used to the idea of me being back first.



As I walked in I looked around her new house. Very posh and cozy, plenty of overstuffed furniture and pictures. Most of them were of the twins. I walked over to the mantle and studied a picture that I could assume was taken when they were around three. Two smiling faces, one dark and the other light. They looked as they had in the other dimension, full of energy and life. I tried to keep my eyes from misting but being here and seeing Buffy and pictures of all the things I had missed had me all manner of undone.



“Are they a’right?” tilting my head indicating the boys.



“They’re asleep. You can see them if you want.”



I couldn’t help catch the shy nervousness in her voice.



“Love to, but later, a’right? I think we’ve got some things to settle first.”



Buffy nodded her head and sat on the edge of the couch. I didn’t think I could sit still if my new life depended on it so I did what I usually did…I paced. A million sentences came to mind but none of them made it out of my mouth. I busied myself by looking at all the pictures in the room, letting the awkward silence continue.



Buffy finally broke the silence, “How…did you get here, Spike? I watched you…..” A tear ran down her face when she couldn’t continue.



That lone tear was my downfall. Never one for her tears, not even when I was evil and caused them. I walked over and knelt in front of her. Taking her cold hands in mine, I tried to explain what had happen to me. “Buffy, remember when Whistler paid us a visit after we returned from that other dimension?”
She nodded without answering. “Well, he worked for the ‘Powers that Be’ and they’re in charge of keeping the balance between good and evil. They are responsible for me being back here. Gave me a ticket back to life as a reward for my….dying… saving the world.”



She blinked a few times them turned her hands over and grasped my own. I looked down at them, entwined as they were before she left the cave. “You’re back for good?”



Tears fell down her face. I reached up and wiped them away, trying to keep my own in check. “Yeah pet, here for good.”



“Oh Spike!” She threw her arms around my neck and gave me a bone-crushing slayer-strength hug. I held her for what seemed like forever, inhaling her scent, remembering her feel. Oh God, I thought I would never have this again.



She finally pulled back and her face was clouded with a scowl. “What’s the matter, pet? It’ll be a’right. I swear.”



“No, it’s not alright….there’s something I’ve got to tell you.”



She jumped up and walked to the fireplace, giving us some space. Standing there, I watched as she wiped her face with the back of her hand. She chewed on her lower lip, something she did when she was nervous. I knew what it was that was making her all fidgety. Harris! I eased off my knees and sat on the couch, giving her time to tell me and praying what those words would be. I was never much for praying, spending the better part of a last two centuries being evil but tonight in this room I prayed with all my newly beating heart. ‘Please let Buffy still want me. I don’t think I can stand around and let her marry Harris. I swear I’ll make my coming back be worth somethin’. I’ll fight evil and take care of her and the boys, just please let her love me again.’ The silent prayer ran over and over in my head as I waited for her to speak.



When she started to speak, she looked down rather than at me. “Spike, a lot of things have changed in the last five years. I pretty much stopped slaying, leaving that to all the others. I’ve spent the last five years making a home for James and William.”



“William? You named him William?” I interrupted, touched by the gesture.



She finally looked at me and smiled, “Yeah, after his daddy.” Walking over to the couch she sat down beside me and crossed her hands in her lap. I wanted to touch her so bad I ached, but I kept my hands to myself and waited.



“The boys were all I had left after you…died. My home, Sunnydale and you….were all gone. If not for the boys, I don’t think I would have made it….and not without Xander.”



I winched at his name. Even knowing what was coming didn’t make it any easier. “It’s a ‘right, luv. I’m just sorry I wasn’t here for you, when you needed me most.”



“Not your fault. You saved the world. Kinda hard to begrudge that.”



I turned and reached for her hand. I had to touch her. She didn’t pull away but she didn’t return the grasp either. “Buffy. Let me make this easy for you. I know ‘bout you and the boy…Harris. Got a’ little heads up from the Powers, and it’s al ‘right. If he makes you happy, I’ll not stand in your way. But I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you and the boys. I don’t plan on checking out any time soon.” What a load of horse shit that was. I was dying all over again inside, and here I was being all noble and such. I’ve really turned into a real pouf this time.



“You know? And you’re willing to just…what? Step aside?” She stood and placed her hands on her hips. She was pissed! What the hell? Here I was being all noble and self-sacrificing and she was mad!



I stood and glared, “Not like I have any say in the matter. Leave you for a bit and you go and plan on marring Harris!” I know I didn’t have any right to be angry but I had a’bout all I could take.



“A bit? You call five years, a bit?” She stepped over and pounded her tiny fist into my chest. “A bit? You left me! Alone!” More pounding as the tears started to fall. And I let her pound away until she was shaking with sobs. I pulled her into my arms and held her. It seems that we had both had all we could take.



We stood like that for a while until her sobs quieted but she didn’t pull away. I held her, making small soothing sounds and rubbing circles on her back until she raised her head and frowned. “What’s that?”



“What’s what luv?”



She took her index finger and tapped it on my chest. “That.”



It took me a minute to get her meaning and when I did, I just smirked and said, “Oh that! It seems that when I cleaned house with my new Liz wear, it also cleaned the demon in me. The powers brought me back as a human.” My self doubts started to rise. “That’s a’right isn’t it pet? I mean, I’m not exactly the ‘big bad’ anymore, just your regular run of the mill human variety.”



Buffy surprised me and laughed. “You’ll never be run of the mill anything, Spike. And human is fine with me. Sort of missed the daylight dates anyway.”



I threw back my head and laughed for the first time in what seemed like years. Pulling her to me again I held her, this time instead of praying, I thanked all the powers there were for letting me come back and be with her. She raised her head and looked at me. “I’m sorry Spike.” My heart clinched again. “I’m sorry I was going to get married. I’ve just been so alone without you. The twins needed a father and Xander has been so good to us.”



I had to ask. “Do you love him?”



She took her own bloody time answering. “Yes. But not the way I should. Not like it is with us. I’ll always love Xander. He’s become a huge part of our lives. What will I tell him?”



I pulled her close and hugged her. “I’ve got a feeling that he’ll be al’right.”



“Why is that?” she asked as she kept her head against my chest.



“Let me ask you something. Do you think he ever got over Anya?”



She pulled back to study my face. “Why do you ask that?”



“Just answer the question, luv.”



She shrugged, “I don’t know. We kinda made a unspoken pack not to talk about you two…..too painful. But one time he had too many beers and told me that he would always love Anya. That was before we really got together but yeah, I think he still loves her. Why?”



“Cause I’m not the only one with a return ticket. Just hope they work it out.”



The thought of Xander having Anya seemed to make her happy and she snuggled closer to me. “Buffy?”



“Humm?”



I lifted her head and searched her eyes for permission then lowered my mouth to hers. At first she was a little reserved then as the kiss deepened she placed her arms around my neck and returned as good as she got. This was what I missed, holding her, kissing her, letting her know that there’s nothing that could keep me from being with her.



When the need for air became a necessity we paused to catch our breath. I could tell both of our hearts were racing. She stepped back from me but kept my hand clasped in her. A shy smile played on her lips as she asked, “Do you want to see your sons now?”



I glanced over my shoulder at the stairs as my heart picked up pace again. Don’t know why I was panicky. Just gonna see my sons for the first time. Buffy sensed my unease and squeezed my hand. “It’ll be alright….Dad, I’ve told them all about you.”



At my look of panic she laughed, “Mostly just the good parts.”



I let her lead me up the stairs into the twin’s room. When I looked at their sleeping faces and held Buffy in my arms, I knew I was home. This time I was getting it right. I was going to make her happy again and bring the light back to her eyes.



The End



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