Hazy images and sensations crowded her mind, each fighting for dominance, confusing and overwhelming her. Feeling Spike everywhere she went for the past 3 weeks – being unable to shake the sense of his presence, but finding no sign of any evidence to support the notion that he was there. Catching sight of a brown-haired man so like him it made her heart hurt, but losing sight of him a few moments later in the crowded shopping plaza. Going through the days in a blur of motion – staying busy at work and enjoying the new job, but distracted by the conviction that she was missing something…apparently unable to trust her own instincts. Sensing Angel the other night, but calling the Hyperion in L.A. and learning he was there, but not available. Getting the call from the hospital that Willow had disappeared in the middle of the night. Guys dressed as scaly red lizards spotted around town that same night. A locator spell, roll call and a collection of weapons, explanation from Giles about what might be brewing, fear of possibly losing her best friend all over again, seeing the reality of an impending ritual with Willow as the unknowing sacrifice, poised on the brink…waiting…waiting…then what? Were these memories, fears, reality, nightmares, what? The images refused to coalesce into anything resembling sense, swirling over and around themselves till she didn’t know where she was or what day it was. Stubbornly she fought to the surface, trying to break free of the miasma of confusion surrounding her mind.
“G-man. Hey, G-man. I think she’s coming to.” The young brunette called to his older companion, a note of relief evident in his voice.
“Very well, Xander. Why don’t you get her something to drink and possibly some aspirin? I think she may have hit her head when she fainted.”
“On top of it, G-man.”
“Do stop calling me that, Xander. Buffy. Buffy, can you hear me? Don’t try to move. You took a pretty sharp blow to the head tonight.”
Buffy slowly opened her eyes, feeling the ceiling come rushing down to meet her. Struggling against the nausea induced by that sensation, she tried to sit up. A firm hand gently pushed her back down though and a familiar voice told her to stay still. Who was that? Oh, yeah…Giles. Okay, why is Giles trying to get me to stay still? And why does my head hurt? What happened to me? What do I remember? Let’s see…I remember…
“Dawn! Where’s Dawn? Something happened to her? Is she here? Is she okay?” And with that breathless string of questions, Buffy popped upright on the couch. As soon as she did, she was rewarded with a renewed pounding in her head and gratefully accepted the glass of water and aspirin that someone was handing her. No one said anything for a moment as she swallowed the pills and rested her head in her hands. Slowly Buffy lifted her head back up and glanced around, taking in her surroundings. She was sitting on the couch in Xander’s apartment, and Giles and Xander were there…both looking at her with rather odd and somewhat anxious expressions.
Giles was the first to speak. “Buffy, I’m sure you have a lot of questions and I will gladly answer all of them for you to the best of my ability. But it’s quite a long story and I’d really like to only have to go through it once. So, I’d appreciate it if we could hold the majority of your questions till the others arrive.” He held up one hand firmly in anticipation of her indignant response. “I will tell you what happened tonight up to a point, but I won’t go into the full explanation until we’re all here. For now, I will say that Dawn is safe. Fair enough?” Buffy had closed her eyes again, so she missed Xander’s side-long glance at Giles when Dawn was mentioned, but for once Xander wisely kept his mouth shut.
“I guess so.” Buffy replied listlessly. She recognized that expression on Giles’ face and knew she wasn’t going to win any arguments with him just then. Besides which, her head hurt way too much to fight right now. As a matter of fact, lying back down on the couch and going to sleep sounded like a really good idea right now. She struggled to focus on what Giles was saying.
“All right then. What do you recall happening tonight?” Giles asked that question for two reasons. First, Buffy had hit her head pretty hard when she passed out, and he wanted to test her responses and reassure himself that she was okay. Second, he really didn’t want to repeat himself unless he absolutely had to, and there was no sense telling her stuff she already knew and irritating her now. She was sure to blow up when she heard the whole story anyway. Might as well avoid that for as long as possible.
“Umm. I remember…” Okay, Buffy. Think. Ignore the pounding in your head. It will go away…eventually. Concentrate. What do you remember? “Some creepy demon guys kidnapped Willow and we ended up in to that field where it looked like they were getting ready to do some kind of ritual. We separated and positioned ourselves as you suggested so we would be most effective. You told us that in order to save Willow, we had to let them free the demon that was using her as a holding vessel, so we waited. And then we attacked at your signal. I didn’t see everything that happened because I was too busy fighting, but it looked like everyone was holding their own okay. Then I heard this absolutely horrendous noise, and that mist that had been hovering over Willow suddenly turned into what has to be one of the ugliest demons I’ve ever seen in a horse drawn chariot of some kind. Umm. I saw the demon crack a whip and those flying horse thingies pulled him higher up in the air. I think they circled us once or twice and then… Okay. This is where I get fuzzy and I guess I must have tripped and hit my head or something. Because I could have sworn that the demon guy came racing back down all of a sudden and grabbed Dawn and headed toward some portal that opened up in the sky. But that couldn’t have happened, right? And I’m sure that Angel didn’t actually jump out of nowhere to tackle me to the ground to keep me from getting to Dawn, because he wouldn’t do that. And I just know that I didn’t see Spike leap onto that chariot right before the portal closed, because Spike so does not have curly brown hair! So, I know I must have imagined all that because there is no way that Angel and Spike would be anywhere near each other without one of them killing the other, and you told me Dawn is safe. So I’m thinking I really must have hit my head hard. And how did I hit my head anyway? Did I trip or did some demon whack me when I wasn’t looking?”
When no one spoke for a few minutes, Buffy finally opened her eyes again and looked at the identical somber expressions on both Giles’ and Xander’ faces. She wrinkled her brow in confusion, which quickly gave way to a frown as she realized that neither one of them was looking her in the eye and they still hadn’t answered any of her questions. She felt her insides clutch up as she realized that something was very wrong here. “Guys,” she said softly, “Please tell me what’s going on. I’m starting to get scared here.”
Giles sighed deeply and sat down next to her on the couch, taking one of her hands in his. Uh, oh. Giles is initiating physical contact when I’m not already crying. Warning! Something must be very wrong here if he’s doing that. Loud alarm bells and flashing lights were starting to go off in Buffy’s brain and she fought to stay focused on what he was saying.
“Buffy. You didn’t imagine any of what you saw tonight. It basically happened like you said. Angel and Spike were both there – working together as it just so happens. The demon that was released from Willow did take Dawn. Angel tackled you to keep you from reaching them in order to keep you safe. And yes, Dawn did go through the portal, but she is okay. That’s why Spike was there – to protect and save her. And I promise you on my life that she is safe. He will protect her and have her back home soon. You managed to shake loose Angel’s hold on you just about the time the portal closed. You fainted and hit your head. Angel and Anya took Willow back to the hospital to get her checked out. Xander and I brought you to his apartment. You’ve been unconscious for nearly 2 hours now. Anya called to say that Willow lost some blood, but not too much. She was awake for a few moments before they gave her a sedative, and she spoke briefly to Angel. She seemed a bit disoriented, but she was coherent enough for him to realize that she remembers. She’s being kept overnight for observation, but I plan to get her released tomorrow, if possible. Angel and Anya are on their way here now and should arrive any minute. Once they get here, Angel and I will tell you what we know and hopefully we’ll be able to answer all of your questions.”
He tried to gauge Buffy’s reaction to all this by her facial expressions, but she just stared at him blankly like he wasn’t even there. She was obviously having trouble processing this information. I guess Spike was correct when he thought she might not be able to handle this. I do hope she doesn’t go catatonic again though.
Buffy blinked twice in rapid succession, but gave no other indication that she was there or that she even heard what he was saying to her. Outside she was deceptively calm, but on the inside she was churning. Dawn! Spike! Angel! Why did that demon take her? Why would Angel stop me from saving her? Why would Spike show up now after all this time? Why were he and Angel working together? They hate each other. And why were they exactly in the right spots for Angel to tackle me and Spike to get to Dawn? How did they know where to be for that? Giles! He told each of us where to position ourselves. He must have told them, too. And how can Giles say that Dawn is okay? Dawn! Spike!?! Dawn! She shook her head trying to clear away the fog in her brain from these circling thoughts. She needed to think coherently so she could understand what was going on here and what she had to do to fix it. She opened her mouth to speak when there was a knock at the door. They all looked up, and Xander hurried to let Angel and Anya in.
When she saw Angel walk in, it suddenly clicked with Buffy that Angel really was here. And that meant that Spike was really here too, or rather he had been. Apparently he and Dawn were now in some other dimension, and she had no idea where. There was no way all this was a coincidence. And that totally pissed her off that she had once again been left in the dark while others had not. Someone knew what was going on here and she wasn’t about to let anyone leave till she had some answers. Buffy was focused now. Anger helped that way. She pulled her hand away from Giles’ and stood up slowly. She looked around the room at the others, leveling each one with her best glare, and crossed her arms defiantly across her chest. When she finally spoke, it was slow and deliberate. “I want to know what’s going on here. I want to know where Dawn is, and what happened tonight. I want to know what Spike and Angel were doing there to begin with, and why Angel thought it necessary to stop me from saving my sister. But mostly, Giles, I want to know why you apparently knew all about this in advance and didn’t see fit to tell me.”
She spat out the last sentence bitterly, betrayal evident in her tone. Xander and Anya both looked at Giles with mild shock, but Angel only shook his head and sat down. He had figured this would be her reaction all along, but he had gone along with Spike’s plan, and still thought it was for the best. He wanted to speak up in Giles’ defense, but he knew it would be his turn to be in the hot seat soon enough when Buffy heard what he had to say. For now he was just relieved it was Giles that her ire was directed toward.
Giles didn’t look away from Buffy as she continued to glare at him. He met her eyes directly and took a deep breath. He had also known this was coming, and although Spike was definitely going to have to face far worse battles in the near future…Giles rather envied him not having to face Buffy’s wrath at this precise moment. With a wry smile, Giles gestured toward the couch. “Buffy, you have every right to be upset. You are correct. I did know what would happen tonight and I do wish that it could have been prevented. I handled it as I thought best with the knowledge I had. If you choose to hate me for that, then such is your prerogative. However, I would appreciate it if you would sit down and listen to all the facts for once before jumping to erroneous conclusions of your own making as you have a tendency to do. Once you’ve heard all we have to say, then make your decision on how you feel toward me, and I will accept that.”
Everyone in the room looked at Giles in surprise when he delivered that last bit in a cool and authoritative voice. Buffy’s mouth dropped open in disbelief, but she snapped it shut again and sat down abruptly. She stared at Giles – really seeing him for the first time in a long time. This man was the father figure she had never had. He had been her Watcher, her mentor, and her friend. But he was also someone she respected and had for a long time now. He never spoke to her like that unless it was warranted. He deserved for her to at least hear what he had to say with an open mind. She struggled briefly with her own anger, worry, and indignation before giving in. She took a deep breath and spoke again. “I’m sorry if I sounded a tad hateful just now. I’m in a bit of shock at what’s happened tonight. I’m worried about Dawn, and I’m scared of what I’m about to hear. I guess I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that, but I felt betrayed when I realized that you knew ahead of time what would happen tonight. I will listen to what you have to say before I make up my mind about anything, but I don’t hate you, Giles. And if you tell me that Dawn is safe, then I believe you. So, why don’t you go ahead and fill me in on what’s been going on.” Buffy spoke firmly but softly and looked Giles in the eye while she was speaking so he would know she meant it. She was still upset, but she had lost too much precious time in the recent past with the people closest to her by assuming things or leaving things unspoken. She wasn’t about to make that mistake again. So, she reached over and squeezed his hand quickly before sitting back. Giles returned her hand squeeze, took another deep breath and then began to share a rather fantastic tale.
The Tale (as told by Giles)
“I need to give you a bit of background first. So, please allow me to start by telling you about a friend of mine named Mitchell Crispin. We grew up together and he was always like a brother to me in more ways than one. He’s probably responsible for saving my life, since he’s the one who got me back on the relatively sane track when Eyghon was more or less in control of my life. He helped me to overcome the dark forces that were trying to overtake me. Mitchell didn’t tread down the same path that Ethan Rayne and I followed. As a matter of fact, when he saw where we were headed, he devoted his time and study to learning how to combat those forces, realizing what we would be facing in the future. He was a true friend and one of the strongest, most incredible people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. When I say strong, I am referring to an inner strength that few possess. And when I say incredible, it’s because he was one of the most compassionate, insightful individuals that has ever walked the planet. The only person who can even begin to compare to him was his wife, Ruth. Anyone lucky enough to have befriended this couple, knows that they would move heaven and earth - and hell, too, if necessary - to help you. And there are few individuals indeed in whom they were unable to find some quality that made them worthy of that assistance. They both seemed to have a way of looking inside someone’s soul and knowing exactly what was going on. And they usually knew exactly how to best help with whatever that individual needed. It didn’t hurt that Ruth was a seer and often had psychic visions regarding the individuals they came into contact with. I bring all this up to give you a basis with which to understand my perspective. Absolutely anything – fact or opinion - that has ever come from either of them is something to which I give high regard and consider to be both reliable and accurate information.”
“You might recall that I made a short trip back to England about two months ago. At that time, I mentioned some business I needed to tend to. What I didn’t tell you was that the trip was prompted by a letter from Mitchell that had been forwarded to me. In that letter, I was surprised to see that Mitchell had used a secret code that we had relied on as kids to say what we needed to say without anyone else having a clue what we were talking about. I knew he wouldn’t have fallen back on that unless there was good reason to do so. After translating our code, I read that he and Ruth had recently had a visitor that they believed would fulfill certain prophecies referred to in the Tantric Scrolls. Now, Mitchell and Ruth were living in the jungles of Africa, cut off from the outside world except by regular mail, which is quite slow. The letter that I received from them had been sent nearly a month and a half prior to that. So, in order to know what was going on, I needed to get to England to see the prophecies they were referring to. The Tantric Scrolls were lost ages ago, but the Watcher’s Council has some partial copies of an old journal made by a monk prior to the scrolls’ disappearance in the late Middle Ages. Mitchell indicated in his letter that the prophecies he referred to had been recorded in those journals. The Tantric Scrolls were either hidden or destroyed (supposedly the latter) because the information contained was alleged to be devastating to any individual that read them. They are basically infallible prophecies laid forth from an unconfirmed source. Legend has it that they came to be back in the beginning of time prior to the advent of evil and were given by an unspecified goddess to aid in the coming battles which she foresaw. There has never been any proof of this, however. It is simply accepted canon in knowledgeable circles that if a prophecy is, in fact, written in the Tantric Scrolls, then it is a certainty that it will come to pass. Understand what I’m saying here, because this is essential to our particular situation. We’ve had experience with prophecies before, and we’ve seen where they can be averted or changed due to the actions we take. This is simply not the case with Tantric Scroll prophecies. They cannot be altered. If you were aware of one of these prophecies and tried to change things, events you changed would somehow transpire to bring about the exact results that you were trying to avoid. This is why the knowledge of what was in these scrolls was considered to be so dangerous. It’s why the scrolls were supposedly destroyed in the first place, although some believe they were actually hidden instead.”
Everyone was quiet for a moment as they considered this. Then Xander asked the question that was on everyone’s minds. “If the scrolls are that dangerous, then why was the information even given to begin with? Wouldn’t they have been better off not knowing at all?”
“As I said, the scrolls were given to aid in the battle against evil. They were entrusted to specific individuals known as Guardians of the Light. Not much is known about these Guardians other than that they were beings of great strength – both physically and mentally – who were able to both read and comprehend the meaning of what was laid forth in the scrolls, and then apply it to the world, fighting the good fight, so to speak. A great evil arose in the early Middle Ages and the last of the Guardians was destroyed at that time. After that, the Tantric Scrolls passed on to mortal men who could not handle the knowledge housed there. Anyone who tried to read them…well…if they were actually able to understand what they were reading…was quickly overwhelmed with the knowledge and responsibility, and most of them went insane. Those who didn’t lose their minds took their own lives rather than live with the certainty of what was to come, knowing they could do nothing to prevent it.” The others stared at Giles in horror at this. He shook his head and continued. “There were a lot of terrible things happening at that time and most of the monks who were guarding the Scrolls thought that the end of the world was fast approaching. They were unable to use the Scrolls themselves. So, they decided that it would be better to destroy the Scrolls than to risk having them fall into evil hands. This is where the legends differ. Some say they were successful in their efforts to destroy the Scrolls. Others say it was impossible to destroy them and they were hidden away. Over the years many supposed locations have been sought out as believed resting places of these Scrolls. No one has ever actually found them. On occasion though, a snippet of a prophecy has shown up that was taken from the Scrolls prior to their loss. Every single one of them has come true…without exception. You have to understand that no one – not even the vilest of demons – would claim that a prophecy was from the Tantric Scrolls unless it actually was. You see, the Scrolls were blessed - or cursed - depending on your point of view. Anyone who can read the Scrolls and interpret them may do so if they choose. However, anyone who attempts to misrepresent that information will meet with an immediate and violent demise. There are several documented instances of this occurring over time. These Scrolls are absolute Truth and that truth will not be defiled in any way, shape or form.”
“But then how could something evil read the Scrolls or use that knowledge?” Xander queried.
“You have to understand, Xander. Truth is truth. I’m not referring to being honest here. Truth is neither good nor evil. It simply is…fact, reality, truth. It cannot be denied. So, anyone can be aware of the truths in the Scrolls, but they cannot attempt to change their essence. If you were to learn of one of these prophecies or truths and try to change the course of fate, your efforts would be thwarted, but you would not be punished. If you, however, tried to mislead someone else by lying about or altering what one of these truths says, you would pay for it with your very existence. Because these truths are unalterable and will not be denied.”
“But I don’t understand. Why would you be punished for trying to lie about one of those prophecies but not for trying to change it?”
Giles sighed. Really, Xander, must you ask? “Let me try to explain it by way of an example. Suppose that you learned that you have an incurable deadly disease and will die in 6 months. You might seek out treatment to try to change this – surgery, medicine, whatever – in an attempt to live. You might change your eating and exercise habits, your entire way of life, to prolong your life. But in the end, the disease will kill you, no matter what you do. Now, suppose that this disease has self-awareness, so to speak, and knows that you are attentive to its presence. It is aware that you are trying to cope with that presence and does not prevent you from doing so. However, you then choose to lie to the people in your life about this disease. You have now denied its very existence and it will not allow this. In return, it increases its development exponentially and kills you in a matter of minutes rather than months. That is a very poor analogy, but it’s the best I can do at this time. Simply put, these Scrolls are affected with an awareness of their own accuracy and genuineness and they strive to preserve and protect that integrity at all times. They simply will not and cannot be misused or misrepresented in any way, shape or form. To attempt to do so is sheer folly. So, for Mitchell to even refer to the Tantric Scroll prophecies in the obscure method he did, speaks volumes of the depth of his belief. And in answer to your next question…Mitchell was still alive after writing that letter. And although he has since passed away, it was not in any manner related to the Scrolls. So, I have to assume that he was correct in what he stated in his letter about his visitor fulfilling those prophecies.”
“When I got to England, I was able to locate the journals easily enough. When the Council first obtained them, a lot of effort was put into their analysis. They were determined to be the ravings of a madman in the end, because they made no real sense that anyone could see. Various phrases and words that were legible but in no order that made any sense, combined with words made entirely of consonants that could not be discerned through any known tongue. In effect, ramblings and ravings. That actually lent a certain credence to the claim of authenticity since the monk who recorded them could very easily have been driven mad by his knowledge of what was in the Scrolls. However, no one could ever find any rhyme or reason to the ramblings in the journal, so it was concluded that the prophecies were not recorded there, and the journals were retained as a curio of sorts. When I journeyed there, I let no one know what I was really after. I simply made copies of the journals and returned them to their appropriate places on the shelves. I didn’t even read them until I returned here. When I did, I couldn’t make hide nor hair of them at first. Then I recalled that Mitchell had written to me in our old code and that got me thinking. I tried applying that code to the journals…”
“And you were able to translate them.” Xander broke in excitedly. He was actually enjoying this tale. He felt like a kid at story time.
Giles shot him a look that shut him up pretty quickly. “No, Xander, our code did not work. In fact, it gave me a miserable headache to even try. But I thought I might be on to something, so I played with it for a while. My efforts were to no avail though. And I was starting to get a little bit anxious. You see, I had begun to have my own theories of what was going on here. When Mitchell and I were growing up, one thing that we dearly loved to do was theorize about the meanings of different vague prophecies or legends that might come to pass. One of my favorites that we discussed frequently was that of The Warrior. The legend of the Warrior has been around for ages now and is generally accepted as myth, but Mitchell had always hinted that he believed it to be fact and possibly even Tantric. He spent a great deal of time researching to that effect, and that was the first thing that crossed my mind when I read Mitchell’s letter. There are other things we have discussed previously that might have been a prophecy he would have referred to in passing, but only for The Warrior would he have included the reference to the Tantric Scrolls.” Giles raised his hand to stop Xander from asking the question that he knew was coming. “And before you ask, let me tell you a bit about The Warrior.”
“There are many different tales associated with The Warrior, but although they vary on many aspects…there are certain threads that run true with any retelling of this tale in any culture. And when I say culture here, I am referring to different species. The Warrior is a well-known figure in many worlds and many races…including demons.” Angel nodded his assent here and Giles continued. “The Warrior is a male with considerable intellect and strength who walks between worlds. He is acknowledged by both demons and non-demons, being able to relate to both equally. He is self-sacrificing for the good of others. He is also virtually undefeatable in battle regardless of the odds. No one knows exactly who or what he is or when his time will be, but it has always been accepted that he would emerge at a time of great need to defeat a great evil. The rest of the details are where things get vague and vary from race to race. Most cultures like to tell this tale, hoping that the warrior will rise up out of their own race to bring them honor. Of course, he also makes a great role model for the little ones.”
“While I was waiting on Mitchell’s response to my letter, I started researching every reference I could find into The Warrior – no matter how vague or unbelievable it might be. What I read totally threw me. Since then, my suspicions have been confirmed that the visitor Mitchell mentioned in his letter was Spike. And since then I have seen and spoken with Spike and validated what I had previously gleaned from Mitchell’s letter. There is now no doubt in my mind that Spike is, in fact, The Warrior of legend.”
Giles then proceeded to relate the details he knew about how Mitchell and Ruth had found Spike and what had transpired while he stayed with them up until his departure. Other than Giles and Angel, no one else in the room had heard any of this before, so it was a rather shocked group that learned of Spike’s trip to Africa and the trials he underwent to earn his soul. Spike had not given either Giles or Angel the full details of his particular tests, but Giles told everyone how incredibly dangerous and impossible it was to pass the tests given by a Keralt demon and how most individuals that undertook such a venture were never heard from again. Everyone was amazed as they processed this news. Even Xander was quiet. He, for one, was having a hard time wrapping his mind around the idea that Spike had willingly sought out a soul, fought for it and actually succeeded. Anya was a bit in awe of Spike’s fortitude in attempting such a venture. She alone knew first-hand of the Keralt demons and Giles’ description barely did justice. She had a pretty good idea of how difficult the trials Spike had gone through really were and she was amazed that he had survived, let alone succeeded. Angel had heard the tale already, but he was still amazed that his wayward childe had gone and willingly sought out what had been forced on Angel kicking and screaming. He’d never had any real idea of how strong Spike’s character was until recently. He wondered if any of them had ever guessed at the truth before now. He seriously doubted it. After all, Spike might wear his heart on his sleeve, but who could possibly know went on in his mind.
Figured I’d start keeping a bloody journal. Turning into a right ponce, I am. Might just help me sort out my thoughts though. I could definitely use some help in that area right about now. Probably won’t help, but it might… just maybe… so let’s give it a whirl, now shall we, ducks? And just who was I talking to with that comment, I wonder. Get a grip, Spike. You’re starting to lose it. Lose what exactly? My head? My heart? My life? My soul? Lost part of my mind when the blasted soldiers put that bloody chip in my head. Lost the rest of it when I realized I was in love with the damn slayer. Lost my heart to her the first time I saw her, though it took a long time before I realized that. Lost my life too many years ago to worry about it now. Lost my soul at the same time… ‘course that’s not the case any more now, is it? And that’s why I’m sitting here in broad daylight swinging in a hammock in the middle of the bleedin’ jungles of Africa enjoying the friggin’ sun of all things. My life or un-life or whatever it is I’m living now just gets stranger and stranger as the days go by.
Has it only been a week since I left good ol’ Sunnyhell? I guess so… feels longer though. So much has changed in such a short time. I left out in a blaze of glory on my bike whizzing down the highway and then on a cargo plane flying fast and furious on my way to a new destiny. Cripes! Am I a fool or what? Don’t go there – already know the answer to that one. Thought I knew what I was doing… what I was getting myself into… but I hadn’t a clue, not really. Plan was simple enough – head out here, face the Keralt demon and his bloody challenges, beat him, and get what I wanted… a soul. Never thought about getting one before… never wanted one. Never wanted to be like that nancyboy sire of mine with his never-ending brood/mope routine. Stupid git spent a century doing just that and only that before he decided to stop feeling sorry for hisself and move on. Then what’s ‘e do? He goes and becomes a lapdog for the Slayer, of all people! What a bloody poof. Made me sick to my stomach to see what he had become the first time I ran into him in Sunnyhell after all those years. ‘Course, I still remembered Angelus as I knew ‘im before those damn gypsies went and cursed ‘im. Got to hand it to those gypsies though – damn fine way of getting revenge if you ask me. Got to admire whoever thought that one up. Pretty funny too when you get right down to it – a vampire with a soul! Who’d a thought of such a thing? Who’d of wanted to? Certainly not me. Creeped me out the first time I realized what they’d done to ol’ Angelus. And yet, here I am – gone and made myself into the very thing I both laughed at and cringed at the thought of for years – a bloody wanker with a soul just like the great poof. Only in my case, I sought it out. I bloody asked for this, fought for it even, and I don’t know what to do with it now that I have it. Oh, the irony there is definitely causing someone somewhere many laughs at my expense, I’m sure. The Powers That Be are getting their jollies this time – a great big cosmic joke, that’s what I’ve become.
Oh, well. Never been one to run away from the truth of who or what I am, no matter what it might be or how uncomfortable it makes me. Now the poof – that’s not his style at all. He never liked to deal with anything messy, which is probably why he avoided dealing with me on numerous occasions, because I tend to be a bit messy at times. If he were here, he’d be in a dark room over at the house brooding in a corner… wouldn’t eat for days, wouldn’t smile, wouldn’t talk. He’d just sit there and sulk for days on end. He’d probably drive even Ruth and Mitchell crazy and I’m beginning to think nothing can get under their skin… but I’d wager that the great poof’s never-ending brood-fest just might do it. Glad I’m not him, ‘cause I’m starting to be downright fond of both Ruth and Mitchell. Couldn’t ask for nicer, more gracious hosts than the two of them. Smart, too – both of them. Figured out what I was – more or less – right away and dealt with it. Since then, they’ve been trying to help me sort things out… which is why I’m swinging in a hammock with a glass of Scotch and a pack of fags to keep me company while I think. No brooding in dark rooms for me. No sirree. I spend my days out here thinking and then the three of us sit down and talk things out at night. It’s been helping somewhat…I think. The talking, that is. Maybe if the poof would’ve had someone like them to talk to… who knows how he might have dealt with things instead. Then again, what if I didn’t have them… how would I be handling things right now? That’s a right scary thought to consider that I might have become just like the nance m’self. Scary? More like sickening. Best move on to another train of thought ‘cause this one is about to derail and the impending crash is more than I can handle right now.
I always tackle things head-on and try to figure it out or beat it down, depending on what I’m facing. That’s my way. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don’t, but I’ve always been one for taking action. Only this time… I have no idea what action to take… not yet anyway. But I’ll figure it out eventually… I hope.
Had that dream again last night. That’s 3 nights running now. Wonder what that means. Most of my dreams since I left the cave have been either memories or fears, and both are starting to make me dread closing my eyes. I don’t know which is worse, really. The memories are all so clear – things I did in the past – some a long time ago and some recently – all of them horrible things and most of which I delighted in at the time. Those dreams – those memories - are like looking at myself in a movie. I can see my emotions so clearly in the expressions on my face, the glint in my eyes, the delighted way I move as I cause carnage and destruction everywhere I go. I kill and torture and feed and maim and blood flows fast and furious as I learn to be a vampire, try to impress my grandsire, try to make a name for myself, try to make Dru happy, try to take care of her, try to earn her love… When I see these memories in my dreams, I’m both sickened and fascinated by them… fascinated at what I’ve seen and done and how I’ve changed over the years… sickened by the pain I’ve caused, the deaths I’m responsible for. Guess that’s the soul talking there. Never bothered to feel guilty about what I’d done until recently. Just being a vampire, you know, and that’s what vampires do. With Angelus as a Sire, you learned early on exactly what was expected of you. So, I decided that if I was going to be a vampire, I was going to go at it with the same gusto I always do things with…and I did. And I was a damn good vampire. Well, not good – bad actually, but great at the same time. Wicked and evil and wonderful – that was me. When did how I view that change? Is that really the soul? Didn’t I feel differently before now? Not about the past maybe, but about other things? Yeah, I can think of a couple of things that I felt guilty about before I ever got this bloody soul. Don’t go there, Spike, m’ boy. Not yet. Not ready to deal with that right now. Soon, but not right now. Back to the dreams, then. That’s a better topic, innit?
When it’s not memories, then it’s fears. All my worst fears come true in my mind. And so bloody clear that it hurts to look at them. Didn’t realize I had all those fears till these dreams started and wasn’t too happy at all to discover them. They were there just under the surface, waiting to pop up and grab my attention. And now that I’ve noticed them, it’s getting harder and harder to ignore them. They’re not all the same; mind you… these fears are more varied than I ever thought they’d be. Got one heck of an imagination, I do. But they all have one thing in common – they cause me so much emotional torment that I feel the pain physically even after I wake up. They scare me awake literally and then I’m sitting up in bed in my little room in Ruth & Mitchell’s place and I’m gasping for breath and my heart is racing and body is pouring sweat and I can still see those images in front of me and I want to gouge out my eyes so that I can get rid of them. But that wouldn’t work, would it? So, how do I get past them?
The memories I can handle – more or less. I can’t undo the things I’ve done and I won’t spend a whole bloody century sulking like the ponce. Be buggered if I’ll sink to that level. I can honestly say that I am sorry for all of it now – and that’s a lot to be sorry for – but if all I do is mope, then what good am I? Why even bother to have a soul if I’m not going to do anything with it? So, I can take what I’ve learned in the past century plus about causing pain and turn that knowledge around to help prevent or cure others’ pain. I can try to make a difference for the right side this time. That’s a noble viewpoint, isn’t it? Now I’m starting to sound like the poof – help the helpless and all that. Time for another glass of Scotch, I b’lieve. I don’t mean that I want to be a namby-pamby or anything… it’s just that I feel like I understand others’ pain now and that maybe my understanding can somehow help them. Oh, yeah! It’s most definitely time for another glass of Scotch, before I start spouting euphemisms and such all over the place. That’d be a sight for whoever is sitting in the cosmic crux laughing at my plight at this point. Don’t want to give them that satisfaction, so I’ll just drink my Scotch and keep my trap shut.
‘Course the fears are another story totally. Don’t have a clue how to deal with them or how to make them go away. Maybe they’re here to stay for good. Maybe they’re part of my punishment for the things I’ve done – eternal torment and all that. Well, okay, maybe I deserve to be eternally tormented and I can admit that with some grace after all. But really, some of those fears are just taking things too far. Some of them are probably justified and I guess I’ll learn how to live with them. I brought them on myself after all. Especially the ones involving Buffy, but anything that hurts the Niblet is just taking things a bit too far. That’s the one that terrifies me the most. That’s the dream that’s run through my fevered mind the past 3 nights running now and it’s about to drive me over the edge. I don’t even understand what it is that I’m afraid of in this dream. I can’t identify exactly what’s happening, but I know Lil Bit is in trouble and I can’t get to her in time and that terrifies me. If anything happened to her, I don’t know what I’d do. Last time I failed to protect her, failed to keep her safe… Doc cut her up there on that tower and that damn portal opened and Buffy had to jump and she died… Don’t want to think along those lines. That’s still a real bad time in my mind, even if she is alive now. I still remember what it was like when she was dead. I don’t think this dream is connected to any memories of that particular failure of mine in that sense though, because I don’t feel that anyone is in danger in this dream at all except Dawn. Not Buffy and not any of the other Scoobies… just Niblet. But she’s more important than anyone else to me. It’s funny, but I just realized that it’s true. Dawn is more important to me than anyone else. More important than even Buffy is and that’s saying a lot. I wonder why that is. Have to think about that one some more and figure that thought out. But one thing’s for sure… I’m gonna have to find a way to beat that dream back before it drives me mad.
Well, think I figured it out last night – why Dawn’s so important to me, that is. Ruth’s actually the one who got me on track to the heart of the matter. Got to love that woman with her common sense and big heart. She’s got more wisdom in her from just plain living and observing than many a learned man I’ve ever met, and that’s saying a lot. At dinner last night, I shared my revelation from yesterday with them. I was a bit ‘wigged’ as the girls would say when I realized that Dawn was more important to me than Buffy even. I mean, I’m totally in love with Buffy and have wanted nothing more than to make her happy for the past 2 years now. ‘Course I wasn’t very successful there, was I? Don’t follow that line o’ thought just yet. Not ready to go there, are you? No, didn’t think so at all. Big ponce – really tackling it head on, aren’t you. All action, you are. Yeah, right. Okay, okay, enough already. Self-deprecating humor aside, you know you need to deal with what happened between you and Buffy before you left and you can’t put it off forever. You need to confront it and make some serious decisions about what comes next. You can’t stay out here and hide in the jungle forever. You’re right, I do and I will, but not today. Today is about Dawn. I’ll deal with Buffy tomorrow… or maybe the next day… but soon, very soon.
So, Dawn… she’s a right special girl, she is. Even if she wasn’t the sodding Key, I’d still think that. She took me by surprise, she did. I’d just figured out that I had feelings for the Slayer when the Little Bit took to hanging out at my crypt. At first, that stroked my ego a bit. Here was a pretty slip of a girl looking up at me with admiring blue eyes, eager to hear my stories of past glories… no matter how gruesome they might be. Now Buffy, she wouldn’t have approved of me telling the Niblet those tales, no way, no how… but somehow I didn’t care all that much at the time. Not when I was looking at those huge blue eyes and that pleading puppy-dog expression of hers. Couldn’t of resisted anything she asked for even if I wanted to. And if she wanted to hear her own live version of “Tales from the Crypt”… then I was happy to oblige. Cripes! She had me wrapped around her little finger even back then, but I couldn’t see it. At the time, I was just enjoying the company and trying to use her as an angle to get Buffy’s attention. But Dawn was worming her way into my heart even back then and I didn’t even realize it. Couldn’t see it till it was almost too late. Almost lost my connection to the Bit, I did, and that hurt me more than I cared to admit at the time.
When I chained Buffy up in my crypt that time (and, yes, I do know how stupid that was) to get her to listen to me and everyone got mad at me, the one that surprised me was the Bit. I expected it from the others and couldn’t say I was surprised by the animosity there at all. It was always under the surface anyway between us – me and the Scoobies, that is. It shocked me when Buffy had the Wiccas do the dis-invite spell on her house to keep me out. I mean, she’d never done that before… even when I was still the Big Bad and we were mortal enemies. I’d had a free pass to her house for a couple of years by then and I’d just taken it for granted that it’d always be there. That was the first inkling I had that I’d crossed a line and gone way too far with things. Truly didn’t occur to me before that. Heck, Dru liked being chained up. Matter of fact, so did all the women I’d been with up ‘till that point. Didn’t really think it would bother the Slayer all that much. I just figured Buffy’d get over it and beat on me like she always did… We’d get back to normal soon enough and then I could talk to her, get her to listen to me, try to get her to see what I was talking about. But then I went to the Magic Shoppe the next day and the Bit didn’t want to talk to me. It shocked me, wounded me even. Made me realize that my actions had hurt her. Never meant to hurt her at all. Don’t think I ever really apologized to her for that. Then again, can’t say I was into apologizin’ back in those days. Have to remedy that when I see her again. Got lots of things to apologize for, no two ways about that, but need to be honest with myself here and say that the Bit deserves an apology for the way I let her down…used her and took her for granted back then. She was my friend and I didn’t even see it. Too busy trying to find an angle to get to Buffy and looked right past the only friend I’ve truly had in a long time.
She is, you know… my friend. Can’t say I had all that many friends when I was a human. Right ponce I was back then… didn’t really fit in anywhere, all wrapped up in my poetry and dreams. I had my family, of course – my mum and my little sis. Then Dru turned me and I had a new family, of sorts – dysfunctional as we were, we were still family… but friends, no I think definitely not. Dru was my Black Goddess, but not my friend. Darla was just a major bitch. Never did like her one bit. Angelus, my grandsire, was the father figure whose approval I could never get. Angel was the great big poof I couldn’t stand - whining on and on about with his bleedin’ soul and all. And when Angelus came back the 2nd time, it wasn’t the same. He was a right selfish bastard intent on destroying everyone and everything, including me. Most definitely not a friend in any sense of the word. I’ve had plenty of minions over the years, but minions don’t count as friends. They’re servants, nothing more. I never made any Childer. Never claimed anyone. Never had anyone I wanted to be tied to like that, not even Dru. Hmm, never thought about that before. Wonder why I didn’t ever claim Dru? I could have, but I never even asked. (Then again, maybe I didn’t ask ‘cause I was afraid she’d say no. Always knew her “daddy” was first in her heart no matter what I did, so that might be closer to the truth.) For the longest time after Darla and Angelus left us, we only had each other and that was enough, or so I thought. Anyway, she was there, so I didn’t have to be lonely, but I never realized that anything was missing. I didn’t realize that I was lonely even back then. Funny that I’m just now getting that.
There’ve been people and vampires I’ve liked over the years… Dalton, for example. He was right entertaining to have around, getting all excited over his books and research like he did. I actually enjoyed his company for the most part. The Judge made short work of him though. While he wasn’t the one I would have offered up to the Judge for that, Dru didn’t have a problem with it and I never denied her anything, now did I? I have to admit I was sorry to see him go, but he wasn’t exactly a friend, now was he? More like a travel companion. Who else? Tessa. Now that’s a name that brings back strange and wonderful memories, but I can’t say she’s a friend, can I? I don’t know what she is to me exactly. Wonder why I thought of her anyway? Haven’t thought of her in years. Come to think of it, that’s odd. Odd, indeed, and way too complicated to go into right now. Before that, there was…her. But that’s a painful subject even now, so I won’t go there. Besides, she was much more than a friend. So, who else?
Joyce, of course! Now Joyce was definitely my friend and probably the first person I honestly liked in a long time. Admired her from the first time I met her, I did. How many people, let alone women, would smack a dangerous vampire upside the head with an axe and threaten them with bodily harm? Really! It’s funny now that I think about it. Wasn’t all that funny to me at the time. Ready to up the count and bag my 3rd slayer, going in for the kill, and suddenly I’m nursing a splitting headache and staring up at this woman with an axe hovering over me yelling at me to get the hell away from her daughter. Me, William the Bloody, defeated by the angry mother of a 16-year-old girl. Right funny, that is. Guess the Cosmic Forces have been laughing at my expense for some time now. I sure wasn’t laughing back then, but I am now. A loud belly laugh that makes me feel good for the first time in ages. And then I’m putting down this bloody journal and laughing till the tears stream down my face. Ruth and Mitchell are looking out the window at me and they probably think I’ve gone round the bend, but I wave to let them know I’m all right and they smile. And I keep laughing till it dies down to chuckles and then… I remember Joyce and I smile as the memories flow. The Slayer telling her mom that she and I are in a band. Me sitting in her living room while the Slayer’s on the phone the day we made our alliance against Angelus. Joyce asking me if we’ve met before and me telling her she threatened me with an axe once. Her expression at that little revelation. That gets me laughing again. Wonder what she thought about all that, what the Slayer told her about me. Guess I’ll never know. Me coming back to Sunnyhell, drunk and out of my mind with grief over Dru leaving me. Joyce giving me hot chocolate with little marshmallows. She knew what I was when she turned around in her kitchen that night and saw me standing in the doorway. She didn’t scream or look frightened. She just smiled at me and said “Hello, Spike. Would you like some hot chocolate?” Simple words, but they touched me like nothing else. Reminded me of my own mum, she did. So sweet and concerned…for me. Listening to me talk about Dru. Not judging or anything, just listening. Accepting me for who I was, what I was.
What a woman she was. Went to visit her a couple times in the hospital when the others weren’t around. Never told anyone about that. She was asleep most times I was there and I’d just sit by her bed and watch over her, talk to her while she slept. Don’t know if she knew I was there most times, but once she woke up and looked right at me and smiled. What a smile – like a ray of sunshine, it was. She squeezed my hand and looked at me with nothing but love and acceptance in her eyes. Neither one of us said anything, but she slept peacefully that night and I’d like to think it was because she knew I was there. Probably not, but it’s one of my more treasured fantasies, so I’m going to hang on to it. We never talked about it, but that was okay with me. She was so warm and friendly to me when she got better and got back home, that I almost felt like I was a part of their family – to her, at least. Really bothers me that I didn’t get a chance to apologize to Joyce for chaining up Buffy that time. Guess that act disrespected her and I didn’t mean to. Suddenly I’m dis-invited from their house – shut out – and I know Buffy’s told her everything and I just know that she’s disappointed in me. And I wanted to go talk to her and explain. If anyone would have listened to my side, it would have been Joyce. And even though it was her daughter I did that to, I still think she would have been willing to listen and even try to understand why I did what I did. But I waited too long to go see her, because I was ashamed of what she must think of me, and then she went and died. Hurt me more than I expected to learn she was gone. Still hurts me to realize that, even now - both that she’s gone and that I let her down, that is. Such a good person… gone for eternity. That’s just not right that someone like me gets to stick around for so long and someone like Joyce gets taken so early. Don’t rightly understand why that is, but Joyce is one of the reasons why I’ve got to try to do better by people in general now. Try to make up for the fact that I’m here and she’s gone. Got a lot to make up for, I know, but that one strikes me harder than a lot of the others. Because it’s Joyce, and that’s saying a lot.
But I digress, as usual. It’s really a wonder that I ever managed to make any plans and carry them out, the way I jump around in my thoughts. Guess that shrink I ate that one time wasn’t too far off when he told me I had ADHD. Surprised me when he interrupted my attack to diagnose me. Surprised me enough to stop and listen to him and his recommendations, but then I got bored listening and ate him anyway. Oh, well. Chalk up one more thing to make amends for. So, what was I trying to get back to anyway… Oh, yeah. Dawn. My Little Bit. I let her down and I owe her an apology for that when I see her. But I didn’t just let her down that one time, now did I? Oh, no. I’ve let her down a lot, haven’t I? Didn’t value her friendship and used her as a way to get to Buffy. Didn’t save her up on the tower. Didn’t stop that bastard Doc from cutting her. Didn’t save her sister from jumping afterward. Didn’t hold myself together too well emotionally after Buffy was gone. Didn’t give her near enough of what she needed to make up for Buffy’s absence. Don’t know that I could have done that back then, but I should have tried harder than I did. But I was a wreck, wasn’t I? Yeah, I was just barely holding on during those days, and it wasn’t much better when they brought her back, was it? No, I was so torn up over her being back and being in so much pain herself, that I couldn’t take it, could I? Not just Buffy’s pain though… my own over being betrayed by the Scoobies.
Don’t know that it really classified as a betrayal, but it sure felt like it at the time. Spent the whole summer with them, patrolling, looking after Dawn, helping in any way I could. And not once did any of them tell me what they were planning on doing... that they were going to try to bring her back. Never had a clue that they were even considering it, and it wasn’t like they made this decision overnight, now was it? No, they thought about it, planned it, prepared for it over several months. And they shut me out of it totally. Shouldn’t be too upset about that, now should I? After all they didn’t tell Giles or Dawn and that puts me in mighty fine company, doesn’t it? Still… They didn’t tell Giles because he wouldn’t have let them go through with it. They didn’t tell Dawn because they didn’t want to get her hopes up only to let her down again. So, why didn’t they tell me? After all, I had tried to help the Bit get her mother back earlier that year, hadn’t I? Yeah, went to that place with her to get the spell ingredients, and they must know that. Came back from the dead myself, I did, and they know that too. So, what kept them from telling me? Did they think I learned my lesson with Dawn’s attempt to bring Joyce back? Did they think I would be opposed to the act itself on principal like Giles? Did they want to spare me any pain like Dawn? Did they not want to hear what I thought about it? Me being dead and all does present a rather unique perspective. Might have hit a bit too close to home for them to hear what I would have had to say.
Or was it what I told Harris that night? That Willow knew something might go wrong. She knew she was messing with some very powerful forces and that it might not work, or that it might not go exactly right if it did work. If she brought something evil back that had to be destroyed and any part of it was Buffy, would I have let her destroy it? No, I couldn’t have let that happen. I couldn’t lose her again. That’s what I told Harris that night… that I’d figured it out and that was why Willow shut me out. Like to believe that…I really would…but the truth is that even if Willow was running the show and she chose to shut me out… well the others went along with it too, and that’s what really hurts. Harris would have gone along with Willow, and he wouldn’t have wanted my input on anything to do with Buffy anyway. Anya would have supported Harris on just about anything back then and Tara would have gone along with Willow, but I wonder if any of them even thought about including me, if it was a discussion, or if I was just dismissed immediately. Guess I shouldn’t have expected anything more from them, but I did. I really did. I thought that maybe I had earned some trust, some consideration from them after everything I’d done, been through… guess I was just dreaming.
I was good enough to save their arses night after night on patrol, good enough to watch over the Bit when no one else could, good enough to give them information on whatever evil I could, good enough for all that, but nothing else. Not good enough to talk to about such a big decision, not good enough to consider my feelings or thoughts as being important, not good enough to hang around Buffy once she came back. Harris made that pretty clear the first night, didn’t he now? I was outside, leaning against what I like to think of as my tree, crying… shaking with shock and sobbing, actually… when the whelp and demon girl left the house. What’s the first thing he says to me? “Hope you’re not going to start your obsession with Buffy again now that she’s back.” That’s what he thought I was doing… that was his immediate assumption when he saw me outside. Not that I was overwhelmed with emotion myself, or in so much shock that I had to lean against something because it was all I could do to stand, but that I was instead reverting back to an old behavior – one that’s repulsive even to me, one I haven’t even thought of in a long time, one I thought I’d proved to them I was beyond. But no, apparently those past months, my efforts, my time, my devotion to them – all of them, not just the Bit – while Buffy was gone, were all for naught. As far as Harris was concerned, I was still just an “evil, soulless thing” as he is so fond of reminding me. Something changed in me the moment I realized that. It was like swallowing a bitter pill that wouldn’t quite go down. It lodged somewhere and I never really got rid of it afterward, now did I? Never really trusted Red or the whelp or any of the others after that. Didn’t have much use for them after they shoved me aside like that. Didn’t affect how I viewed the Watcher or the Bit, ‘cause they weren’t part of all that either. But I really didn’t have much to do with the others after that – didn’t trust them. Kind of ironic, that is, since they didn’t trust me either.
Maybe I should have talked to someone about that, tried to mend fences, so to speak… maybe things would have turned out better there. After all, it wasn’t like I had a lot of friends – just some poker buddies and the Scoobies and Dawn. Wasn’t ever that close to any of my poker buddies, although I’ve gotten to know Clem pretty well these past few months and he’s a bit of all right to me. But the Scoobies… well everything pretty much went to hell in a handbasket after that, now, didn’t it? Giles went back to England, Willow got all wrapped up in her magic, Tara broke up with her and drifted off a bit on her own from what I gather, the whelp and the demon girl were all wrapped up in planning their wedding, Buffy was all wrapped up in trying to adjust to being back (and not doing a very good job of it either, I might add), and I got all wrapped up in Buffy. So where did that leave Dawn? Alone, that’s where. I can just kick myself now for not seeing it sooner. When I walked away from Harris the night Buffy came back, I put up a wall between myself and the Scoobies… more to keep myself from getting hurt by them again than anything else, but a wall none-the-less. I stopped hanging out around them, stopped dropping by just to visit, and started projecting the attitude again. Problem was, I left Niblet on the wrong side of the wall.
Hurts to admit it, but yeah, I did. Before Buffy and I got involved intimately. Even before Buffy told me about them pulling her out of Heaven and how much she was hurting over that. Before any of that, I got so wrapped up in my own pain, that I shut out Niblet’s pain. Didn’t even think of her and how she must be feeling. ‘Course she was happy that Buffy was back, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t feeling overwhelmed herself or that she wasn’t scared and needin’ me. And I saw how Buffy was acting and all I thought about was being there for her, and how she was needin’ me and wantin’ my company, for a change. Never once thought about how her actions were affecting Dawn. How blind and self-involved can I possibly be? What kind of friend am I anyway? Not a very good one at all apparently. That kid is like my own sister, the one I lost when I got turned. She means that much to me and I love her. I really do. And it’s a good kind of love - pure and unselfish…that’s something I haven’t felt in a very long time for anyone. I haven’t wanted anything from Dawn other than her friendship in over a year, and she gave me that and more… looked up to me, respected me, trusted me when no one else would. And how do I repay her? By turning my back on her just like everyone else. By getting so wrapped up in her sister that I stopped really seeing her.
Part of me wants to make excuses and say that when Buffy came back I just assumed it would all go back to like it was before and that’s why I stopped looking in on her. But that’s a really pathetic excuse and it’s a lie and I know it. I can’t lie to myself or to her. I owe her an apology – several in fact. But this one is the one that’s going to be the hardest, I think. Because I hurt her, my Lil Bit, by turning my back on her when she needed me to see her. ‘Course she started knicking things. Taught her how to do that myself, didn’t I? So, I should have been the one to see what she was doing, but I didn’t. How many times since Buffy came back have I spent one-on-one time with Dawn? Just me stopping by the house to visit her, or her swinging by my crypt after school to hang with me? I can’t recall a single bleedin’ time, now that I think about it. God, it makes me sick to my stomach to realize that. And she knew I’d shut her out, too, or she wouldn’t have stopped dropping by, now would she? After all, she never listened to Buffy’s threats to stay away from me in the past, not even when I was actually still tryin’ to be all ‘evil’… even then she still came by all the time to chat or just hang with me. Over the summer when Buffy was… gone… she still came by regularly. Couldn’t have kept her away if I tried. So, when did that stop? When did she and I grow apart. Have to take the blame for that. I’m the one who put up the wall that effectively kept her out along with the others. Cor! Hate that I did that to her and didn’t even realize it. She was alone. Totally alone. Think I’d be more sensitive to that seein’ as how I’ve been alone myself for so long now. But no, I was too wrapped up in Big Sis and tryin’ to get in her pants all the time and tryin’ to get her to admit her feelin’s for me and tryin’ to convince her and myself that what we had was more than it was. So wrapped up that I couldn’t even see the Niblet’s pain. Hate m’self for that. Gonna owe her one big apology for that when I get back. Have to apologize for ignorin’ her, turnin’ my back on her, shuttin’ her out when she needed me, and just bein’ a jackass in general, I guess.
She’s my one true friend, you know. Buffy never was my friend. She has been my enemy, my ally, my nemesis, the foe I couldn’t conquer, the bane of my existence, the thorn in my side, the girl who haunted my thoughts and dreams, my obsession, my love, and my lover… but never my friend. And that makes me sad, because it makes me realize more than anything else that although we had passion and fire and heat, we didn’t really have anything at all… because she was never my friend. And I guess that - truthfully - I wasn’t hers either. Can’t think about that right now. Way too painful. Come back to that tomorrow after some more alcohol to fortify me. But that’s why Dawn is so important to me – even more so than Buffy – even if I am just now recognizing it. She is my one true friend, and I can’t put enough significance on that. So whatever else I end up doing when I leave here, I have to make things right with Niblet and I have to protect her… from what I don’t know yet… but I will. Because that dream I’ve been having means something bad. I don’t know what that is yet, but rest assured I will find out, and I will protect my Lil Bit from any and all danger at whatever cost to myself. I swear that.
Buffy was completely shell-shocked by all she’d heard tonight. She had more or less accepted that Spike was gone for good even though Dawn had been insisting for months that he would be back. She knew better though…all the men in her life left eventually. Why should he be any different? And given the nature of their last encounter… She had been angry with him, but it had still surprised her when Clem had told her Spike had left town. She had assumed it was to get away from her and what had happened in her bathroom that night, and she didn’t really blame him for wanting to put some space between them, although they could have used his help in dealing with Willow… She had actually appreciated the gesture, in retrospect. She had not really wanted to be around him right then and she was glad he had given her some space, but she had also assumed he would return eventually and they would deal with what had happened. When days had turned into weeks and then months, she had been forced to re-evaluate that position…among other things. Now, learning where he’d gone and why after leaving Sunnydale…well this was just totally blowing her away. She was already well on her way to wigging out after seeing Dawn disappear through that portal earlier, but this would definitely clinch it for her. Okay. I’m having trouble breathing here. My head hurts and my heart hurts and it hurts to breathe. I wonder if this is what a panic attack feels like. Because I am definitely wanting to panic over here. Breathe, Buffy. Deep breaths. Air in, air out. That’s it. You can do this. Really, just because it feels like all the air’s been sucked out of the room at the moment, that doesn’t mean you can’t breathe.
Xander, on the other hand, was breathing just fine. No problems in that department. He was, however, still having trouble wrapping his mind around the concept that Spike had willingly sought out and fought for his soul…and had actually succeeded. Son of a bitch. Can you believe that? Who’d of thunk? If he didn’t think Buffy might have smacked him, he would have either whistled or burst out laughing hysterically when Giles had revealed this little fact to them earlier. He had thought better of it though, and since thinking before speaking was so rare for him…he’d actually listened to that voice telling him to keep his trap shut. Judging by the expression on Buffy’s face, he was guessing that had definitely been the wise thing to do. The subject of Spike had been taboo since a particularly explosive argument in the Summer’s kitchen back in June… an argument that had left him reeling from some of the things Buffy had said that day. He had learned things he had no desire to ever know. But, what had kept him respecting her wishes and not bad-mouthing Spike anymore since then was the small fact that what she hadn’t said scared him even more than what she had said. With this little revelation, he was terrified that all his deepest fears would now be confirmed. Jiminy Cricket. You know, I really wish that Spike had never come into our lives at all, and for oh so many reasons – not the least of which is that he slept with Anya! Yeah, sure he did… after he had been dumped and had his heart broken by Buffy and after you left Anya at the altar and crushed her hopes and dreams. Oh, but let’s not forget that there were large amounts of alcohol involved. Well, then there’s the fact that Spike tried to rape Buffy…although Buffy flat out told me that their relationship up till then had lead him to that point. What did she mean by that anyway? Oh, come on, Xander. You know better than that. Moment of truth and all that nonsense - or rot, as Spike would say. Buffy solves all her problems with her fists. If she can’t fix it with violence, then she doesn’t know how to handle it. She’s only been like that ever since you’ve known her, so what do you honestly think she meant? Do you really think she and Spike were all hearts and flowers when no one was around? Not likely. They’ve always fought in every possible way – physically, verbally... So, why wouldn’t that carry over into the bedroom? Okay, so not going there. Really not ready to deal with all this. It’s enough to comprehend that Spike went and got himself a soul willingly… Uh, huh. And just what exactly do you think it took for a vampire to want his soul back – especially one who had seen what Angel went through (which always sounded pretty nasty even if he did deserve it)? If you say it was because of his obsession with Buffy, well that really doesn’t fly too well since she was already sleeping with him without a soul. If you say it was because of what he tried to do to Buffy, then you have to admit that he must have felt guilty about it, and since when in hell do demons feel guilt? If you say it was just a passing fancy, well not even Spike is that crazy and he’s certainly not stupid no matter what you’ve implied in the past. So, what does that leave…and can you admit it? Go ahead, give it a go. And what if it was because he wanted to be worthy of Buffy? Well, you couldn’t even commit to a few decades – give or take – of married life with the woman you love, while this soulless demon could commit to an eternity of guilt and torment for the woman he loves. So what does that say about him and what does that say about you? Xander sighed and rubbed his forehead. He really hated that insidious little mocking voice in his head and he decided he’d be very happy if it would just shut up and let him lapse back into the ignorant bliss he had spent years enjoying. He suspected, however, that those days were long gone – perhaps even back before Willow tried to destroy the world with those black eyes and that veiny face (still featured prominently in his nightmares on a recurring basis) or before Buffy started sleeping with a soulless demon (Well, that doesn’t exactly fit him anymore, now does it? Oh, shut up already!) or before he had left his fiancé weeping at the altar or even back before they had brought Buffy back from the dead – oh, yeah, those days of ignorance and innocence were definitely long gone. He sighed again and wondered what the others were thinking about.
Giles was simply reviewing the facts that he’d shared with the others to see if he’d overlooked anything important. There were still a few points they had to cover before things would be sufficiently explained and they could move on, and he was not particularly looking forward to some of what he still had to share with his young charges, but at least Angel got to take over the tale for a bit now. That would give him a chance to regroup and marshal his defenses, because the evening was not about to get any more pleasant when the full truth came out. He breathed deeply a few times and tried to relax his tired bones. Cracking his knuckles, he glanced up and around at the others gauging their reactions thus far. Angel of course had been in the know also and was not surprised by any of what he’d heard. Anya was taking it all in stride, but she usually did. Quite pragmatic – that girl is, although that’s not technically correct since she is a vengeance demon again. I’m going to have to talk to her about that one of these days, come to think of it. Buffy was very quiet and had obviously been shocked by what she’d heard so far tonight, but she seemed to be handling it pretty well at the moment. That, of course, won’t last for long when she hears the rest of this sordid affair. But, that will come in due time, I suppose. Despite his run of annoying questions earlier when he wouldn’t let Giles properly tell the tale of the Tantric Scrolls, Xander was now being surprisingly quiet on the subject of Spike. I wonder what’s going on there. Buffy must have said something before now to shut him up…or perhaps Dawn. She was always fond of Spike and I’m pretty sure she would have continued to defend him to Xander no matter what he said. Oh, well, I’m just glad not to have to deal with his narrow-minded, pig-headed nonsense tonight. Be thankful for small favors, Ripper, and don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Of course, this is the Hellmouth, so I can only imagine what that horse would look like! Giles snorted softly at his own nonsensical train of thought and wished for a very large glass of scotch.
Anya had already processed what Giles had shared with them so far. The bit about Spike going after his soul didn’t particularly surprise her. He was nothing, if not determined. So, why wouldn’t he do that if he thought it would solve his romantic problems or whatever. Just one more example of someone who operated more on emotion and passion than on logic and reason. She personally had always prided herself on being far more practical than anything else. Of course the rest of the news wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t the revelation to her that it was to the others. As a former – and now once again – vengeance demon, she had heard of the Tantric Scrolls on more than one occasion. She knew with deadly certainty just how serious this topic was – having seen more than one individual meet an untimely and violent demise by invoking the mystical properties protecting the Tantric Prophecies. She had no intention of missing any of what was said this evening in regards to that subject and she was ready to teleport out of there in a heartbeat if it looked like Giles was going to implode for speaking any untruths. Although it would be a shame if he did implode or was otherwise maimed. He’s not bad looking at all for an older man…actually he’s rather rugged now that I’m really looking at him. And he’s quite a good kisser as I recall. Even though we were only briefly engaged after that one spell of Willow’s, I remember feeling very safe with him – secure, even. I’ll bet he’d be like that in reality, too. Bet he wouldn’t have left me at the altar like Xander did. Hmm. That may be worth investigating. A relationship with Giles is a rather intriguing prospect – quite a bit of potential, possibly large payoffs. Now, how do I go about getting to know him better? Anya’s quick mind got immediately to work figuring out the intricacies of this rather stimulating challenge and she didn’t spare another thought for Spike, Dawn or any of the others until Angel started speaking.
Angel had already heard what Giles had shared with the others and he knew what was coming next, so he didn’t need to take the time to adjust to any new facts, so to speak. He wasn’t particularly looking forward to the rest of the evening, because he had a pretty good idea of what Buffy’s reaction would be and he didn’t doubt that he’d shoulder the brunt of it, even more so than Giles, for a number of reasons having to do with his past with both Spike and Buffy. However, he knew what he needed to say and he was prepared for it. He wasn’t too concerned about what Xander or Anya was thinking at the moment. He didn’t know Anya beyond their brief interaction at the hospital earlier this evening and he had never cared what Xander thought about pretty much anything at all. He already knew how Giles felt, so that was a given for him at this point. However, he was well-versed enough in dealing with humans to realize that they needed this time to process what they’d learned so far. If they didn’t take time to at least begin to work through this now, it would make the rest of the evening that much harder for them to cope with in the long run. And he was well over a quarter of a century now, so he could be patient and wait for them to be ready to move on. So, he kept an eye on each of them, but especially on Buffy, waiting for the body language signs that would let him know it was time to move ahead with the rest of the story. In the meantime, he allowed his mind to dwell on Spike as it had been doing for the past few weeks. Beyond what any of the others here could possibly imagine, he had the clearest comprehension of what Spike had done, and it overwhelmed him on a daily basis. None of them could possibly conceive what it meant to be a vampire and live that kind of life for decades on end. To be so free to take what you wanted when you wanted and not to be governed by morals or ethics or any human laws or codes was something that had to be experienced to be appreciated. To willingly give up this freedom for any reason whatsoever was more than Angel could conceive. He had not sought out his soul. Rather it had been violently thrust upon him as punishment by the gypsies in Romania. Eternal torment for his sins against mankind. He would have gladly staked himself at any point in time, but the soul would not allow it. So, instead he wallowed in guilt and self-loathing, not really living – just barely existing. If it hadn’t been for Whistler’s intervention, he knew without a doubt that he’d still be living in alleys and eating rats to survive. He had to be shown the way before he could make a decision to become a better person and try to atone for his sins. Spike, on the other hand, made the decision to change – first by getting the soul and second by deciding to work to become more than what he was – and then he was shown the way. And that’s what got Angel the most out of this whole mess. Spike had seen what had become of Angelus after the soul was restored and had looked upon him with scorn and loathing. No way would Spike want to become like that – not for any reason. However, he had willingly chosen to seek out his soul, knowing what the battle would be like and that the journey afterward would be hard and never-ending. Angel knew about the events in Buffy’s bathroom that had jump-started Spike’s quest for his soul. Spike had told him everything when he had shown up in LA a month ago…and what a night that had been…full of all sorts of interesting revelations – on both sides…but that was neither here nor there. The fact was that Angel did not think that it was solely guilt that had driven Spike to get the soul. First of all, since when did any soulless demon feel guilt – especially one like Spike? Second, you don’t make a decision like that overnight, even if you are brash and reckless and tend to act on emotion rather than logic. Not even Spike was crazy enough to do that on a whim. He might do a lot of stupid things without thinking them through, but Angel had no doubt that when he decided to get his soul back, Spike knew exactly what he was doing.
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