Author's Note: Crossover with AtS. Canon through the end of Buffy, Season Six. Canon for Angel through Season Three. Many relationships will be discussed or alluded to here, but the focus will be on Spike-centric relationships. This picks up several months after Grave and goes AU after that. It focuses heavily on the evolving nature of relationships family, friendships, and romance. All character thoughts are indicated in italics. Any journal entries for any character will have a specific font assigned. Humor, Angst, Drama and whatever else strikes me as we go. Rated strong R for violence, sexual situations, adult themes. ENJOY!
Angel's "Tale Spin"
Angel was making the most interesting expressions, and Xander was completely fascinated. He had long ago decided that Angel only possessed two facial expressions one of which caused him to look constipated. But tonight he was displaying a whole range of emotions that Xander had never imagined possible. Everything from fierce to concerned to amused to serious to pained. Currently he looked like he could easily pop a blood vessel, and Xander was just wondering if that was even possible with borrowed blood, when he was interrupted by a heavy sigh from Angel. Apparently he was going to try AGAIN to tell his share of what had been going on the past couple of months. Xander wondered how far he'd make it this time before one of them interrupted him with another question, and he was weighing the pros and cons of being that person. He had almost decided it would be worth it if he could see another one of those hysterical expressions cross Angel's face, but he happened to look over and notice how stressed out Buffy looked and thought better of it. With a put-upon sigh, he decided to let Angel talk this time and get his jollies torturing Brood Boy another day.
Angel sighed heavily as his attempt to explain to the others what had been happening over the past few weeks was again interrupted. It seemed that he was only allowed to get out a few words before someone jumped in with a question or statement. The first hadn't been totally unexpected. As soon as he said that "Will" had come to see him... Xander had butted in to ask who Will was. Fair question with an easy explanation. It took mere moments to explain that Spike had requested that he be referred to as Will and that he was simply honoring that request. That should have been a satisfactory explanation and he should have been able to continue his story. Instead, Buffy had turned to Giles demanding to know why he had constantly referred to Spike rather than Will earlier. Giles' explanation that it was for simplicity sake to avoid these very questions seemed to pacify and Angel was allowed to continue. Again a straightforward explanation. You would think that these children would have allowed me to move forward with my story after that, but, NO. Let me get a few more words out trying to get back on track and Anya interrupts me this time. And although I totally did not understand her references to the manliness of different misnomers and sexual appeal, I was already annoyed at being interrupted. Fortunately Giles took pity and got them to pay attention and listen. That lasted only moments before Buffy rebelliously muttered "no way in the world that Spike or Will or whoever would go to Angel for help rather than me." At that point, Angel had been totally fed up with all of them and had snapped that as Will or Spike or whatever name you preferred had come to him for help, then maybe they could be bothered to listen to him for a change. With a thoroughly disgruntled expression and a barely muffled snort, Buffy motioned Angel to continue.
Finally. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, Will came to see me... "Will came to me for assistance for several reasons. One, he didn't want anyone else in Sunnydale involved at this point other than Giles. Two, he knew I'd understand about the soul and be able to help him. Three, he wanted a chance to talk to me and mend some fences. Four, he wanted my help with what he knew was coming. Now, out of those four reasons, the first is self-explanatory and the middle two are private and not up for discussion AT ALL." Angel paused for a moment to stare hard at each person to make certain they didn't push him on the issue of privacy. No way in hell was he sharing any of that with anyone there, particularly Xander Harris.
Satisfied that they got his point, he continued. "The only part that really matters is what he shared with me about what was coming. First of all, understand that the main reason he returned to Sunnydale had to do with Dawn's safety. Will knew that the rest of you were as likely to spit on him as anything else. He knew that although no one would welcome his return, he would have to face the consequences of past actions when he saw each 1of you, particularly you Buffy. And he had planned to do so in due time, but his first priority was Dawn. He had been having dreams over the summer that had him convinced that she was in danger. When he got back to Sunnydale, the first thing he did was trail Buffy which led him to the knowledge that Willow was in an asylum."
Buffy started briefly at this fact and lost the pissed-off expression she had been wearing for the past few minutes. I had no idea that Spike was following me, never felt any tinglies...wonder why not? Oh, Angel is speaking, better pay attention before he gets mad again. Hmmph.
"When Spike saw Willow, he knew something was seriously wrong, particularly when he discovered she had been marked with a symbol which branded her as a vessel or chalice of some kind. When he brought this to Giles' attention and they further researched it, they learned that the symbol was the mark of D'Alirtk. This was alarming because of the prophecies Giles unearthed regarding D'Alirtk and the opening of a particular dimensional doorway. I'll let Giles give you the full history later if you want it. For now, suffice it to say that this was a very bad situation. D'Alirtk entered our dimension when Willow was channeling powers she never should have messed with, but she opened herself and he took advantage of this. When the power flow was cut off, he was still in non-corporeal form and was able to possess Willow's body and mind, which is why she succumbed to catatonia. D'Alirtk had been using her as a vessel to sustain himself and grow stronger for several months by the time this marking was finally discovered. Willow's life force was nearly drained by the time his followers performed the ritual to release and restore him tonight. And before any of you interrupt me again to ask, let me tell you that the only way to ensure Willow's survival was to allow the ritual to proceed. Any other action might have successfully destroyed D'Alirtk, but at the cost of Willow's life."
"By the time Will came to L.A. to see me, he and Giles already knew that they would have to allow D'Alirtk to be released and gain corporeal form in order to save Willow. However, they had also learned that D'Alirtk was a powerful being in his own right. He had been imprisoned for centuries and took advantage of the disruption caused by Willow's power surge to escape. He's not part of our world and all signs indicated that he would attempt to return to his own dimension once he was corporeal again."
Buffy interrupted him in a flat voice, "And that's where Dawn came in, right? This Alert guy needed Dawn to open a door to his dimension, just like Glory did." Her voice started to rise as her anger grew. "And I suppose you guys have a good explanation for why you let her be taken instead of letting me kill the bad guy, because that option sure makes sense to me. It is what I do, you know, kill demons and other bad types. Why..."
Angel spoke up quickly and cut her off before she could work up any more anger. "Buffy, let me finish, okay?" He waited for her sullen nod before continuing. Damn Spike anyway. He should be the one having to explain this and take the brunt of her ire, not me. "D'Alirtk did need Dawn to open the doorway that would led him return to his own dimension. Unlike Glory's ritual though, he just needed to tap into her energy to do this, not her blood. Understand that D'Alirtk had been building up his energy for months now. If not handled properly the energy released from Willow would be potent enough to cause the equivalent of several nuclear explosions. What good would it have been to save Willow if we sacrificed ourselves and half the West Coast in the process? D'Alirtk needed to maintain a connection with Dawn to make the successful transition from our dimension to his own, but he had no need to harm her or keep her after that. We knew it wouldn't kill her to open the door; however, it would kill all of us if we didn't. So, all we had to do was figure out a way to ensure Dawn's safety and her return home. And that is where Will came in to play. We had to time things perfectly to make sure he was able to join D'Alirtk just before the portal opened, so he'd be along for the ride. I hope you understand that's why I tackled you, Buffy, to make sure everything went according to plan..."
He didn't get a chance to finish his sentence, as the Slayer was suddenly blazing forth and right in his face. "According to plan! I'll give you according to plan. How about I plan the many ways I can hurt you? Or how about I plan not to trust you when it comes to issues of your sister's safety? Oh, wait, that's right, you don't have a sister. So, how the hell would you understand how important Dawn is to me? Or how angry I am that you three would dare to make all these decisions without consulting me at all. I swear, Angel, I am not going to forgive you for this anytime soon. And that goes for you too, Giles." And she whirled to direct her ire at her mentor. "How many times have we had these same arguments about other people deciding things for my own good? Both of you should have gotten the picture by now that I want to be kept in the loop particularly where my family, my only family I might add, is concerned. I guess I shouldn't be overly surprised that neither of you can get it through your thick heads to trust me with knowing what's going on. But Spike has never presumed to do that before now. I would have expected him to tell me the truth no matter what was going on between us at the time. Did he just go along with your decision not to include me or was he a willing part of this conspiracy?"
A wary look passed between Angel and Giles that was not missed by the enraged Slayer who glared at both of them waiting for her answer. It was Giles who sighed and responded. "Actually Buffy, it was Spike's idea not to tell you." He hastened to get the rest of his explanation out as her jaw audibly dropped open. "There were several reasons why he didn't want to tell you ranging from wanting to spare you a repeat of last year with Glory to being concerned that you wouldn't trust him to keep Dawn safe." He spoke louder to be heard over Buffy's sputtered exclamations of outrage. "He had several valid points why 'keeping you out of the loop' was a wise measure to take. Speaking for myself though, the reason I decided to go along with that decision was because Spike wanted it that way. Seeing as he was the one making the sacrifice, I felt it only right that he deserved that consideration." By the last he was shouting to be heard, but dead quiet fell in the room when Buffy softly repeated, "Sacrifice?" Oh, shit. Angel braced for the explosion that was sure to follow.
Giles took a moment to clean his glasses and calm down. Knowing that Buffy's eyes were glued to him, he looked up and met her gaze fully. "Buffy, something happened during the course of discovery that we haven't told you about yet. We were researching possible leads on the origin of the symbol marking Willow. There was a stack of books and papers on the table when Spike suddenly exclaimed that he'd found it. Much to my amazement, I saw he was reading from my copy of the monk's journal and he wasn't having any trouble doing so. One of traditionally agreed-upon characteristic of the Warrior is that he would be able to read Tantric prophecy just as the Guardians could. Well, that cinched it for me that Spike was indeed the Warrior. He spent days translating the rest of the journal so we'd have all the pertinent information. What we learned was most disturbing. It was foretold that the great demon D'Alirtk would escape his inter-dimensional imprisonment when the balance of power and energy was disrupted in favor of dark forces. That he would lie dormant until his faithful followers awakened him and that he would then harness the power of the Key to return to his dimension. The prophecy was quite clear that any attempts to circumvent that sequence would result in disaster for all. The Key would not perish in the journey but would be prevented from returning until the following Harvest Moon. Only the intervention and protection of the Warrior would ensure her safe return at that time, but at great personal cost. The prophecy was quite clear that the Warrior would leave our dimension, but would not return with the Key. As you can imagine, this was all quite encouraging news except for the part about the Warrior not returning. Well, never mind the fact that this was a Tantric Prophecy that could not be avoided, Spike wouldn't even consider trying to change things when the plan for Dawn's ensured safety was laid out so clearly in front of us. So, when he asked Angel and I not to reveal his presence to anyone for the time being, we readily agreed. We will be able to perform the ritual during the Harvest Moon in five weeks that will allow Dawn to return home via portal. Spike made certain that we had the necessary translations prior to leaving, and he will keep Dawn safe until then, no matter the cost. His sacrifice is really quite admirable and we should not tarnish that by bemoaning his willing choice to sacrifice himself for Dawn's sake."
There was absolute silence as Giles finished talking. Angel had been expecting an explosion. Giles was expecting tears. Xander expected more angry words. Anya expected denial. What none of them expected was for Buffy to simply get up and walk out of the apartment without a word to any of them. As the door closed, it occurred to both Giles and Angel that sometimes silence spoke more loudly than any noise could.
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TBC
...It's all about choices, innit? Decisions we make that bloody well affect the way our lives or un-lives, as the case may be, turn out. We all have reasons for the soddin' decisions we make, even if we're not totally aware of them at the time. But there's a reason you choose the chicken cacciatore over the shrimp scampi. Maybe it's because you were in the mood for chicken that night, maybe you're allergic to shellfish, whatever still a reason for your choice. I doubt anyone's aware enough to realize the reasons behind all the bloody decisions we make each day. Lots o' decisions made on instinct or emotion, no real thought behind them. Usually it's just the big decisions that we worry about, reason out, dwell on, and rationalize. And even then you usually can't see the truth behind those reasons until much farther down the road. Most of us don't want to know the truth...we'd rather hide behind the reasons we've told ourselves, even when we know that we're well and buggered already.
Well, that stops now for me. I'm bloody shot of hiding behind half-truths and excuses and rationalizations. I've made a lot of bad decisions and in the end I can honestly say that regardless of the reason, the truth behind that was my own selfishness. I chose to let Dru turn me didn't even try to fight it. Sure she was stronger 'n me and I probably wouldn't have gotten away, but I didn't even try because I bloody well wanted what she was offering. I didn't know exactly what that was, but to me it meant acceptance, by a beautiful woman no less, and I selfishly grabbed hold, not once stopping to consider any possible consequences. Killing Slayers that was all about glory and reputation and proving myself to Angelus, Dru and even Darla. Again a conscious choice made for selfish reasons. Performing the ritual to heal Dru with Angel's blood sure I loved her and didn't want her to suffer, but that ritual was so I wouldn't lose her and be alone. Selfish choices, every one, made based on what I wanted. Giles made me an offer once... He suggested that maybe my chip was a chance from the Powers that I could use to make a difference. I could have considered this or at least listened to him, but I didn't want to be bothered because I was too selfish to consider using m' time to help others. Even killin' demons and patrolling have been to satisfy m' demon's need for violence. I never thought about any people might 've been saved cause a demon was no longer a threat to 'em.
I don't think I've made any decisions since I was turned that were based on unselfish motivation until the past year or so, and even then the only ones I can in good conscience claim as mostly unselfish are those related directly to either Joyce or Niblet in some way or t'other. Any decisions made regarding Buffy may have been decent on occasion, but there was always a thought in the back of m' head about how it would affect me. Didn't want her datin' no one but me, didn't want her dyin' and leavin' me, didn't want her usin' me for sex wanted love, but was still willin' to settle for sex so long as I was getting' somethin' out of it. Bloody hell, but I make myself sick. Problem with all this is if I choose to just wallow in these realizations and mistakes from my past, then I'm still bein' selfish. Focused inward and all that rot. Never mind that I'd be thoroughly buggered right now if I hadn't taken the time to work through some of this. It's been over 2 months and it's about time I started thinkin' about movin' on.
I'll sure hate to leave Ruth & Mitchell though... Although that's kind of selfish of me too, isn't it? Because they've been so good to me, and no one's ever treated me as well as they have, and I've felt safe here, and I'll miss them. Arghh!! I'll go bug-shaggin' crazy if I don't stop thinkin' like this. It's got to be okay to be selfish sometimes! And I think I'm okay with bein' selfish in this case, because I genuinely like these people. They're the kind of people that I could learn somethin' from. They're good people and generous by nature, givin' to poor sods like m'self that don't deserve another chance. Well, they gave me that 'n' more. Time for me to show them that I wasn't a waste of time and effort. Time for me to show everyone what I've learned and how I've changed.
...Been talkin' to Ruth 'n' Mitchell 'bout leavin' and what comes next for me. I can't ignore the dreams, which are comin' almost every night now. I know in my heart that Dawn is in danger, so Sunnydale is my destination. But I've got a few stops to make first, some scores to clear before I c'n get on with m' life. Mitchell promised to get me whatever I needed in the way of supplies for my trip, and also that he and Ruth would be thinkin' of me and prayin' for me as I face the days ahead. Wonder who they pray to? Never really asked 'em about it, never thought about it before now. With all they know and all they've been exposed to, do they prefer the Christian God, the Powers That Be, or some other unknown deity? Do prayers go into a void in the ether if they're not directed at a potent entity? Maybe it doesn't matter who you pray to as long as you've got faith. Maybe none of it matters, but I'm suddenly thinkin' about this and wonderin' who I could pray to for help. 'Cause I'm gonna need all the bloody help I can get. But who answers the prayers of the likes of me?
Well, it's almost time to leave the place that's become my home these past couple months. Ruth & Mitchell are family to me now, and as such they told me there'd always be a spot for me with them. That's a heart warmin' thought, that is. I don't want to leave, but I know I need to do so. I've been havin' an odd dream the past few nights and it's always the same. A woman is beckoning me to follow her down a dimly lit path, and although I can't see the way clearly, I know that she can and she won't lead me astray. Her face is hidden in shadow when she looks back at me, but she is familiar. I know her from somewhere, but I can't place it. And I can't catch up with her no matter how fast I run. But still I catch glimpses of her ahead of me on the trail and still she beckons me to continue on the path I'm treading. Is this metaphorical? Perhaps prophetical? Nonsensical, maybe? I don't know, but each night I have this dream. And each day I awaken a little bit more ready to leave, a little bit more ready to face what comes next. So, maybe it's just my subconscious at work in this dream... But I can't shake the feelin' that there's somethin' familiar about this woman in my dream. If I could just bloody well figure it out, I think I'd have some answers...
Ruth and Mitchell are dead! That hurts me more 'n I can say. It's been over a week since I returned from a trip to town to find their bodies savaged by those Tertutio demon buggers. I wasn't there to protect them and they're gone now. And sure I had no bloody way in the world of knowin' what would happen when I went to buy m' train ticket. Could just 's easily 've happened after I left. I know that, but knowin' it doesn't make me feel any better. How can somethin' so horrible happen to such wonderful people? They were tortured, for cripes sake. No dignity in that and certainly no mercy from those soddin buggers. Wish I had some more of 'em to kill right now. I'm angrier than I c'n recall ever bein' before. I get so mad at the injustice. Funny, innit? Me talkin' about injustice. Given my history, that's a bit of a lark. 'Kay, calm down. That hysterical giggle drew some attention from the nearest passengers on the plane. I don't need anyone askin' me if everythin's okay right now. My answer just might blow their mind. Great, just great. Now I've got mental images of explodin' heads and I'm wonderin' if that would have enough force to bust a window and depressurize the cabin. Be a shame to die in a crash on m' first flight sittin' in a seat lookin' out the window at the sun. Bloody hell, but I'm miserable right now. Maybe some J.D. would help. He's never failed me before now. Where's that stewardess or flight attendant or whatever they're called these days...
I have actual food for thought, and that's much tastier 'n the crap they serve on these flights. Seriously, this woman in the aisle across from me started talkin' somewhere after the 4th shot of Jack and I guess I'd had enough to hold a conversation, p'rhaps not too coherently, but still. Anyway, she turned out to be a shrink and got me to tell 'er about losin' my friends. And then I started talkin' 'bout my feelin's like some nancy-boy! There are some aspects of havin' a soul that make me sick for reasons entirely separate from the guilt. Loss of any machismo I ever had in moments like these...definitely at the top of that list! So, anyway, Shrinkin' Violet there tells me that I'm grievin' and proceeds to explain the stages of grief to me. Never knew about those 'fore now. 'Parently I'm hoverin' around Anger, with still a touch of Denial. Don't know about this Bargaining business though. Not too sure I take any truck with that. Can't get 'em back, burned the bodies m'self, so what kind of bargains am I supposed to try 'n' make? And who has time to be Depressed? I've got things to accomplish and loved ones er, one, anyway to save. Lil Bit's safety trumps any emotions I need to sort through still. So sod this psychobabble bullshit. Ill just have to jump straight to the Acceptance portion of this so-called process. Thanks to Ruth and Mitchell, I'm stronger 'cause of them. I'm not sure I'm a better man yet, but I want to be and I'm workin' toward that. And I'm better prepared to handle things. But I still feel very alone now that they're gone. Oh, bloody bugger me upside down and six ways from Sunday! Isolation went hand-in-hand with the Denial stage. Maybe there's somethin' to this grief process after all. Where'd Shrinkin' Violet get to? I need another drink and maybe some tips on how to deal with this.
Haven't had much time to write lately. Got back to the States and returned to Sunnyhell to find things gone to pot. Found an unlikely ally in ol' Rupert and we've had our hands full figurin' out what's happenin' with Red. Couldn't get much worse than what we learned. Seems a shame to gain life and immediately lose it. It looks like it's comin' up on the end for me. Or at least the end of my time in this dimension. 'Cordin' to that prophecy, I'm not gonna return from this little junket. Maybe, maybe not. Don't rightly care s'long as Niblet gets home okay. Don't know why I won't be able to return, prophecy doesn't say. Giles surely believes it's true though, so I guess I should, too. Maybe I'll die. Maybe I'll end up getting' sucked into some hellhole for eternity. Don't really have time to worry 'bout it right now. Too busy getting things in order before the ritual. Me 'n' Giles 'n' the Magnificent Poof have been over the plan countless times, but if we don't get this right then we're well and buggered, and I can't let that happen. Maybe I'd best go over it again.
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Angel, if you're readin' my journal, you're not just a Poofter, you're also a bloody insufferable Wanker for doin' so. Stop usin' all that hair gel and your forehead won't stick out so much. (And promise to take care of m' girls after I'm gone, 'kay?)
And if anyone else is readin' this, please don't think too badly of me in the end. I'm just a flawed man who's made too many mistakes to count. Hopefully forgiveness exists somewhere for the likes of me. Guess I'll find out soon enough.
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TBC