Cast Me Not Away

Chapter 20: January 2006

“Do you have everything you need?” Buffy asked her sister, sounding a little anxious.

Dawn raised an eyebrow. “Uh, Buffy, we’re only going to be gone like one night. Maybe two. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Who said it was?” Buffy asked, sounding defensive. “I didn’t say it was a big deal.”

Dawn snorted. “Please. You’ve been jumpy all day. What’s your deal? Just because we’re going to meet Nika’s nain—” she stopped. “It’s because of Spike, isn’t it? You’re nervous about seeing him again.”

“Of course not,” Buffy scoffed. “I mean, I just saw him a few days ago.”

Dawn gave her sister a knowing look. “Except that you told him we were moving to L.A., which is sort of like saying the ‘l’-word.”

“Me moving to L.A. has nothing to do with Spike,” Buffy said firmly. “I might have strong feelings, but I’m not in love with Spike.”

“Which is why you’re acting like a teenager with her first crush,” Dawn said wisely. “Sure, Buffy. Look, just do me a favor, okay? If you really do fall in love with the guy, just go with it. Nobody cares if you’re with him. Nobody who really matters, anyway.” She reached over and gave her sister a hug. “He still loves you, you know?”

“I know,” Buffy said quietly. “I know. Amazingly enough, I don’t think that’s the point.”

“Then what is the point?”

“Do I love him enough?” Buffy sighed. “Because I know I love him enough to not want to hurt him again.”

~~~~~

Spike tugged the sweater on over his head. It was one that Nika had given him for Christmas, which she assured him was very flattering. Buffy was going to be arriving any minute, and he wanted to be sure he looked—

“Bugger this,” he muttered, although he left the sweater on. Just because the Slayer was moving to L.A. didn’t mean anything. So what if she was going to be closer? So what if it appeared as though she might actually want a relationship with him? It didn’t mean anything.

He’d gotten his hopes up before, and it had just landed him in more trouble than he wanted.

“Spike? Are you ready?” Nika came down the stairs cautiously. “Is anything wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” he replied, his tone a little sharp. Spike sighed, softening his expression slightly. “Sorry, luv. ‘s just—”

“Things can change, Spike,” Nika said with a smile. “Sometimes for the better.”

He looked away. “Not when you’re me,” he muttered.

“Hey, you met me, didn’t you?” she teased. “Not to mention Wesley. Who’s to say you won’t live happily ever after?”

“Past experience,” Spike said drily.

Nika frowned. “Spike—”

He shook his head, forestalling her words. “Don’t mind me, luv. Just feelin’ a bit out of sorts tonight.”

Nika put a gentle hand on his cheek. “You have the right, cariad. Come upstairs now?”

“Right behind you,” Spike assured her. He heard Buffy’s voice before they reached the main level, and could tell that Wesley was making introductions.

“It’s really nice to meet you,” Buffy was saying as they came out to the living room. Spike could see Enid giving her the once-over, and he had the suspicion that Nika had told her of his feelings for the Slayer.

Actually, Spike knew Nika had been filling her grandmother in on him. Every time they started giggling and speaking exclusively in Welsh, he knew they were talking about him. He’d actually been keeping fairly close to Wesley the past couple weeks, since the other man spoke the language, and they didn’t act quite as giddy when the ex-Watcher was around.

Enid smiled and warmly returned her greeting. “It is nice to meet you as well, Buffy.” She turned and looked at Dawn. “And you must be Dawn. I have heard many good things about you.”

Dawn blushed and smiled. “It’s nice to know I’m appreciated,” she joked.

“We should eat,” Enid announced. “The food will be cold soon.”

The others headed off for the small dining room, leaving Spike and Buffy face to face. Neither one of them knew how to greet each other. A few years ago, it wouldn’t have mattered—the Slayer would have either popped him in the nose or jumped his bones or not even acknowledged his presence. Everything was different these days, and the feeling of being off balance left both of them on edge and insecure.

Buffy wanted to kiss him, or embrace him, but she wasn’t sure it was allowed. She had no idea what constituted “good touching” anymore. She had no idea what he wanted from her. Finally, after several seconds of silence, she decided it was time to grab the bull by the horns.

Spike was a bit surprised when Buffy kissed him gently on the cheek in greeting, but he couldn’t help but feel pleased. Feeling very daring, he tucked her hair behind her ear. “Glad you and the Bit could make it, luv.”

Buffy simply smiled and tucked her hand into his arm, letting him lead the way into the dining room.

~~~~~

Dinner proved to be a highly enjoyable affair for all parties. Enid and Nika were both excellent cooks, and the table groaned beneath the weight of all the food. Before long, the wine was flowing, with even Dawn partaking of a small glass, although Buffy abstained. As everyone became more comfortable, the stories also began to flow.

Enid related one of the more spectacular births she’d attended, complete with triplets delivered in a raging blizzard. Nika told the story of the demon birth she’d been hijacked into helping with, and Wesley’s role in the affair. Her praise had him flushing with pleasure. Next it was Dawn’s turn to tell about one of her and Connor’s more embarrassing moments, involving a first kiss where neither of them quite knew what to do.

“That can hardly be worse than the first kiss I had with Cordelia,” Wesley commented among the chuckles.

Buffy’s eyebrows flew straight up. “You kissed Cordelia?” She gave a snort of laughter. “I knew you had your eyes on her, but then you guys didn’t seem all that close when you left Sunnydale.”

Wesley grinned ruefully and shot an apologetic glance at Nika. “I’m not sure I should be discussing past kisses in front of my girlfriend.”

“No, I think I’d quite like to hear about this disastrous kiss.” Nika gave him a playful look.

Wesley sighed. “You just want to embarrass me.”

“Of course,” was her quick reply.

“Very well, then,” he began. “It was right before we went out to face the Mayor. You remember,” he said, looking over at Buffy. She nodded and he continued. “So we were packing up books, and I believe we both had idea in our heads that we might die.”

“Carpe diem?” Spike asked with a smirk.

“Something like that,” Wesley admitted. “In any case, we go to kiss each other, and I went one way, and she went the same way, so we both bumped noses. And then I’m afraid I slobbered all over her chin. You can see why we never said anything.”

Buffy laughed. “And to think Xander was completely jealous of you.”

“Yes, well, that was probably premature,” Wesley replied with a small smile.

Nika reached over and took his hand. “Well, whatever your kissing prowess might have been like then, I would say you have improved a hundred-fold.”

Wesley gave her a small smile in return. “Thank you, my love.”

“Besides, kissing is not your only talent,” she whispered, too low for anyone but Spike and Wesley to catch the words.

Spike watched the tips of Wesley’s ears turned pink. “Well, you should have seen Spike the first time he tried to cook.”

The vampire looked over at Dawn and gave her a death-glare, “Bit—”

“Wait a minute,” Buffy said. “Spike can cook?”

“‘Tried’ being the operative word,” Dawn said with a smile. “It was the summer that Buffy was—away, right? Tara and Willow moved in, but they were both working all the time, and Spike decided I wasn’t eating ‘properly.’”

“Oh, bugger,” Spike muttered, hiding his face in his hands.

“So anyway, I get back from being out with a friend, because Spike insisted I get home by six, and he’s in the kitchen ‘making dinner,’” Dawn said this, making little air quotes. “He had all of Mom’s recipes scattered all over the place, about four pots boiling over on the stove, and whatever was in the oven was burning. He’d tried to figure out what my favorite meal was, but he couldn’t figure out what it was. Not to mention the fact that he was wearing one of Mom’s aprons.”

Wesley couldn’t hold in his laughter. “An apron?”

“Bugger off,” Spike said.

Dawn grinned. “It was a complete mess. Nothing turned out the way it was supposed to. In the end, we ordered pizza and left the clean up for the next morning. It was probably the nicest thing anybody did for me that summer.”

Spike looked up, startled. He met Dawn’s eyes across the table and smiled, one of his sweet, rare smiles that he saved for his girls. “That right, luv?”

Buffy watched the exchange and felt a pang. She’d insisted that Spike and Dawn stop spending time with one another after she got back, thinking it wrong somehow for the girl to want to hang around a vampire so much. She hadn’t understood; the Slayer hadn’t any idea of what that summer had really been like.

“Yeah,” Dawn said, but then her grin turned evil. “Of course, the apron was priceless.”

“Indeed,” Wesley agreed. “I’d pay good money to see that.”

Spike smirked. “Too bad, because it ain’t gonna happen, mate.”

Buffy watched the interplay between the two men, watched the way they interacted with Dawn, saw their responses to Nika and Enid, and was highly impressed. There was a sense of family there that had been present with the Scooby gang at the best of times. Even now, when she and her friends had grown apart, there was a feeling of coming home when they all got together again. But this—this place could be a new home, a different one.

She looked over at Nika, who had caught her watching Spike. The two women locked eyes, and then both smiled.

Buffy glanced back over at Spike. Oh, yes. This could also become home.

~~~~~

“Spike told me you’d decided you wanted to use a midwife,” Nika said, joining Buffy in the living room. Dawn had left a little earlier to meet Connor, and Wesley and Spike were helping Enid with the dishes. Buffy had been told in no uncertain terms that she was a guest and thus exempt from washing up.

Buffy smiled at the other woman. “Yeah. I was looking into it, and I thought it might be a good idea, especially given who I am. I don’t think anyone really knows what happens when the Slayer gives birth.”

“I won’t pretend that I know anything about it either, then,” Nika said with a smile. “May I ask you a personal question, Buffy?”

The Slayer looked at the other woman warily. “Sure, I guess.”

“Do you have feelings for Spike?”

Buffy hesitated before answering, though it had nothing to do with not wanting to admit to it. It had everything to do with not knowing how to answer the question. “I—yeah, I do,” she breathed. “I just haven’t sorted them all out yet.”

Nika nodded wisely. “It is often difficult to know how we feel about others. I have found that I have a tendency to let what I feel for one person influence how I feel for another. And sometimes, we fear the unknown that the other person represents for us.”

“Something like that,” Buffy admitted. “It’s more than that, though. Things between Spike and I have always been tense, either because he was trying to kill me or because I was just waiting for the chip to stop working. My worst fear came true when he got the chip out—except that he didn’t start killing again.”

Nika looked at the younger woman compassionately. She could understand Buffy’s fear of getting involved with a vampire. Loving one went against everything she was, everything she had been taught. Nika had a great deal of trepidation herself where it concerned getting involved with another demon hunter. “If your worst fear has not been realized, what is stopping you?”

Buffy shook her head. “It’s complicated. I mean, I’ve loved him for a while now, but sometimes love isn’t enough.”

“No,” Nika agreed. “Sometimes, it isn’t. Maybe if you give yourself some time to get to know him you’ll discover that it can be.”

~~~~~

Spike and Wesley were good-naturedly arguing over the last cookie when Spike’s head suddenly shot up. “Bugger me.” Wesley raised an eyebrow. Spike’s tone was equal parts angry and reverent, and the vampire abandoned the cookie and started patting his pockets. “Need a smoke,” he muttered, ducking out the backdoor.

Wesley and Enid exchanged glances. Wesley shrugged in response to her unspoken question, and headed out after his friend. “Spike?”

“’m fine.” There was a hiss and a flare as Spike lit a cigarette. “’s nothin’.”

Wesley didn’t believe him for a second. “Somehow I doubt that. What did you hear?”

It was the only thing he could think of. Buffy and Nika had been talking in the other room, and while he couldn’t make out many of their words, Spike’s hearing was quite good. The vampire whirled to face him, almost bursting with suppressed energy. Wesley couldn’t tell if he was upset or not. “She loved me. Or loves me. Not clear on that part.”

Wesley blinked. “Buffy said she’s in love with you?”

“No, she said she loved me,” Spike corrected him. “’s completely different. She said it’s been for a while. A while!” He started pacing, smoking almost frantically and running a hand through his short hair. “What the bleedin’ hell am I supposed to do now?”

Wesley frowned, sitting down on the patio chair Nika left out there for just such a purpose. He had a feeling this could take a while to sort out. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”

“No. Well, yeah. Sort of.” Spike sighed and abruptly slumped down in the chair across from him. “I just—Never thought I would hear it, yeah? An’ now she says it, but she doesn’t know I heard. An’ she doesn’t even know if I’m what she wants.” Spike stood and started pacing again. Wesley was beginning to get dizzy. “I don’t even know if she’s what I want,” he admitted in a low voice.

“Do you love her still?” Wesley asked gently.

“’Course,” Spike said impatiently. “That’s not the problem.”

“Then what is the problem?”

“Don’t know if I trust her,” Spike said quietly, sitting down again. “I—I can’t go back there, mate. I can’t give her everythin’ again. Got other obligations.”

Wesley nodded slowly. “What will you do?”

Spike took another drag and stubbed out his cigarette in the coffee can Nika kept out for that purpose. “Dunno.” He looked up sharply, and Wesley got a sinking feeling in his gut. “You could help.”

“I doubt it,” Wesley said severely. “I think this is something you and Buffy should work out for yourselves.”

Spike shook his head. “You know how well that turned out for me last time, Wesley,” he coaxed. “You could feel her out for me, figure out what she’s plannin’, why she’s movin’ to L.A.” When Wesley shook his head stubbornly, Spike fixed him with a stern glare. “You owe me.”

“Owe you for what?” Wesley asked.

Spike raised an eyebrow. “I helped you out with Nika, didn’t I? Told you she fancied you, encouraged her in your direction.”

Wesley wasn’t sure that Spike’s actions meant that he owed the vampire, but he had to admit that he probably did owe Spike something for any number of reasons. “Buffy and I are hardly the best of friends, Spike. I don’t know why you would think she’d confide in me.”

The wheels were turning in Spike’s head, and he wasn’t in the mood to be listening to Wesley’s objections. “No, you could talk to her. She’ll want to be lookin’ for apartments. You could offer to help. Or I could offer your services. Nika’s subbing for that EMT the next few weeks, so she can’t, an’ shoppin’ for a place to live is a daylight job, so I can’t. You could go with her.”

Wesley gave Spike a slightly exasperated look. “I doubt she’d need my help finding a place to live, Spike. She’s a grown woman, for one thing, and I have nothing but a bare acquaintance with her. I believe those kinds of services are usually offered by someone who is rather close.”

“But you know your way ‘round L.A.,” Spike reminded him triumphantly. “So maybe she’d want your help.”

Wesley didn’t think so, but he sighed. He was fairly certain that Buffy would reject any offer of help, as she struck him as the independent sort. On the other hand, if he offered, and Buffy refused, he would have fulfilled his promise. “I’ll offer,” he said. “But, if she says no, you’ll just have to deal with it yourself.”

“Yeah, sure,” Spike said, waving a hand.

Wesley gave him a piercing look. “Have you ever thought of asking her out?”

“Askin’ her out? Like on a date?” Spike asked, a blank look on his face.

“Yes, asking her out. I’ve heard that women like that,” Wesley said drily. “Dinner, a movie, the usual.”

Spike frowned. “Buffy an’ I don’t have that kind of relationship,” he objected. “We’ve never done that sort of thing.” At Wesley’s raised eyebrow, Spike gave him a dirty look. “She wasn’t interested! She bloody well hated me. What the hell was I supposed to do?”

“Did you ever try it?” Wesley asked gently.

Spike shrugged. “Well, there was this one time I took her lookin’ for some vamps, but she didn’t know it was s’posed to be a date.”

Wesley smiled. “What happened?”

“She figured it out, shot me down brutally, an’ I ended up chaining her up in my crypt.”

Wesley’s eyes widened and a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. It shouldn’t have been funny, but somehow the situation was so Spike—impulsive, disastrous, and probably with the best of intentions fueling the entire thing. “I’m sure that went over well.”

“She revoked my invite,” Spike said glumly. “An’ before you say it, I know ‘m an idiot.”

“I’m glad you can see that for yourself,” Wesley replied.

Spike gave him a sour look. “We worked it out eventually. I had to get tortured by a Hellgod an’ all first—that was bad—but she let me back in. That was the night she died,” he said softly.

“Has she said anything to you at all about her own feelings or intentions?” Wesley asked, noting the almost reverent look on Spike’s face. The vampire had it bad.

Spike shrugged. “Said she wanted to be friends, get to know each other.”

“There you go,” Wesley replied. “So ask her to do something with you.”

Spike thought about it. “Like goin’ demon hunting?”

“I was thinking something a little more along the lines of a nice dinner,” Wesley said, beginning to make his own plans. He and Nika had done any number of things as friends, but there had hardly been time to go on what he would term a real date since they started officially seeing one another. Plus, he wanted to make their engagement official before Enid left, and he needed to find a ring. This might be an excellent time to take his own advice.

“Ask her out to a nice restaurant,” Wesley encouraged. “Talk to her.”

Spike raised his scarred eyebrow, a sardonic expression on his face. “Right. Last time we went out to dinner, we got into a fight ‘bout her choice of boyfriends.” He shook his head. “Think I’ll wait for your update, Wesley.”

The ex-Watcher sighed. “Very well. However, I expect you to do your own work after that, Spike. I have never pretended to be any kind of matchmaker.”

“Not askin’ you to matchmake,” Spike said with a smile. “Just do what a friend might.”

~~~~~

“Maybe you should think of starting over,” Nika said. Enid was sitting in the recliner, a glass of scotch in her hand, listening avidly to the conversation. She had the sense that Spike was getting a pep-talk from Wesley on the back porch while Nika dealt with the Slayer.

Buffy gave her a skeptical look. “Start over?”

“Certainly,” Enid said firmly. “There are times when one must discard the past and move on to whatever new opportunities present themselves, create them, if necessary.”

The Slayer wasn’t convinced. “Spike and I have a lot of bad history,” she said doubtfully.

“We all have history, Buffy,” Nika said gently. “As some might say, we all have baggage. If I let it control me, I would never have gotten involved with Wesley or Spike, and yet the joy they’ve brought is worth all the pain that might come.”

Buffy shook her head. “I’m not sure,” she admitted. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t have feelings for him. It’s not even the vampire thing so much anymore. Spike’s pretty much proven that he’s in a class all his own. I just don’t know that we’re any good for each other, and we both have others besides ourselves that we have to be concerned about.”

Nika nodded. “Then perhaps this time you will be better for one another because you do have others to think about. It is sometimes easier to do right by another when you cannot be self-involved.”

“I hope you’re right,” Buffy said. “It’s just that there’s so much between us—things that we’ve both done.”

Enid smiled. “It is more difficult to forgive yourself, is it not? To trust yourself with the one you love after you hurt him so badly?”

Buffy shut her eyes against the images Enid’s words brought to mind. That night in the alley—“There’s nothing good in you…I’ll never be your girl.”

“I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes,” Buffy admitted. “Spike was probably the worst.”

“And yet you have a chance to repair those mistakes, perhaps to build a relationship that would be even stronger than before.” Nika smiled at her. “Don’t let your fear stop you Buffy, not if you think Spike is worth the risk.”

Buffy managed a smile in reply, but that wasn’t the problem. She knew Spike was worth the risk, but did Spike still feel the same way about her?

"I really appreciate you doing this, Wesley," Buffy said sincerely. She glanced out the window of her car, and then back over at the driver. "I do a lot better on the driving-front these days, but I'm still not used to L.A. traffic."

Wesley smiled in reply. "I don't mind, Buffy. I probably know my way around a little better than you do as well."

"That's for sure," she said, looking at the next address on the list. "With the offerings I've seen so far, I'm beginning to seriously reconsider this move though."

Her one-time Watcher gave her an encouraging smile. "It does take some looking, but I'm sure you'll find something that suits, Buffy." He paused. "You know, I could use your help with something."

Somehow Wesley didn't find Buffy's quips nearly as annoying as he had the first time they'd met. "Actually, no. I was thinking more along the lines of finding an engagement ring."

"No, I like to keep a spare ring around, just in case," Wesley replied sarcastically.

"Spike?" At his nod, and the look in his eyes, Buffy added softly, "And Cordelia."

"Yes," Wesley admitted quietly. "She was a very good teacher." He paused as he realized how that might sound. "In the realm of sarcasm," he added quickly.

Buffy smirked. "Like I'd think it was anything else," she teased. When Wesley shot her a dirty look, she giggled, and noticed that he couldn't help but smile in return. She also thought that the smile made a huge improvement in his appearance. Of course, five—six?—years had also made a huge improvement in the whole package, in her estimation.

"Very funny," he replied, but he was smiling slightly. "But back to the ring—I've already asked Nika to marry me actually. It sort of slipped out. I'd like to make it official, however."

"And you want me to help you look for a ring?" Buffy asked doubtfully. "That's kind of personal, Wes. I mean, I don't know Nika all that well."

"That's what I told Spike about helping someone look for a place to live," he said.

Buffy smiled and rolled her eyes. "Spike put you up to this?" she asked. "He always could get a little overprotective."

Wesley smiled in reply, not denying her impression. "I just want a second opinion."

"A woman's opinion," she supplied, and then shrugged. "Sure, I don't mind. As long as you don't blame me if she doesn't like it."

Buffy nodded. "Okay, one more place on the list, and then we can call it a day."

As it usually happened, the last place on the list was the one Buffy liked the most. "This is perfect."

Wesley stood in the doorway, looking over at the real estate agent in charge of the property. The agent was obviously getting dollar signs in her eyes at the sight of the young blonde woman, and Wesley cleared his throat. "I don't know, Buffy. I'm not sure this is what you really wanted. The price is rather high for a three bedroom flat."

"It's a townhome," the agent corrected him, giving him an annoyed, and slightly superior look. "And the price is a good one for a property like this."

It was too late, however. Buffy had already caught on to Wesley's game. "Do you really think so, Wes?" she said, a little breathlessly. Wesley had to stifle a chuckle at the utter guilelessness of her voice. He had to wonder how many vampires—including his current partner—had been taken in by her blonde beauty and led to believe she was harmless. He watched as she turned back to the agent. "I never make a decision without consulting my cousin," she gushed. "He's a genius with numbers."

The agent was getting a distinctly sour expression. "Yes, well, we can talk about the price, of course. We wouldn't want anyone to leave dissatisfied."

Buffy was giggling as they drove away from the townhome. "Why on earth did you say I was your cousin?" Wesley asked, though not without a certain amount of humor in his own voice.

"It seemed like the thing to do at the time," Buffy said, pulling herself under control. "Besides, it's not like you could pass for my brother, and I wasn't going to say you were my boyfriend."

"Cousin does seem like a reasonable alternative," he admitted with a reluctant smile. "I take it you're selling the house in Sunnydale."

Buffy nodded, sobering quickly. "I thought about renting it, but then I'd have to either play landlord or have someone there do it. I talked to an agent, and he seemed to think he could get me a good deal on the house. Enough to take care of the rest of the mortgage and have a little left over, you know? Property values have been going up in Sunnydale for the past couple years." Buffy smiled ruefully. "Listen to me talking about the prices of housing. My mom would be so proud of me."

She gave him a grateful look. "So anyway, looks like I'll be renting a townhome, thanks to you. What about looking for a ring for your girlfriend?"

Spike lounged on his couch, letting the noise from the TV wash over him. He'd been feeling rather glum the past couple of weeks, ever since the Slayer had inadvertently revealed her feelings for him. As Wesley had suggested, it was what he wanted, it just wasn't the way he wanted to find out.

Besides, their tentative relationship felt strained. Spike knew it was partly his fault; Buffy certainly hadn't pulled back or withdrawn. In fact, she had been calling at least a couple of times a week, updating him on her moving plans. He'd let her talk, asked a few questions about how other things were going, and then had let the conversation die.

Spike couldn't seem to sort out his own emotions. Yes, he was still in love with Buffy. He always would be. Every time he thought about her, however, her words would echo back at him. "You're beneath me...There's nothing good in you...I'll never be your girl." Spike thought that he'd managed to forgive her, that he'd left Sunnydale not only because of what she'd done to him, but because he'd caught a glimpse of their future.

He wasn't so sure anymore, neither about his reasons for leaving nor about whether or not he'd really forgiven Buffy. Was it true forgiveness when you couldn't forget, but you wanted to? When you wanted to trust, but couldn't?

Spike honestly didn't have the foggiest—he was a vampire. He wasn't supposed to know anything about forgiveness or redemption, nor was he supposed to care.

"William?" Spike glanced up from the TV he hadn't been watching to see Enid standing next to him. She was the only one who called him by his given name. Spike somehow didn't mind when she used it.

"H'lo. Get back from your shopping trip already, luv?" he asked, flipping the television off.

She smiled and sank down next to him gratefully. "Indeed. I wanted to get an engagement present for Wesley and Danika before I had to leave."

"You sure you can't stay?" he asked, half-seriously. "'s been nice havin' you here."

Enid smiled at the vampire in return. "Thank you, but no, I don't believe I can stay just yet. However," she added, smiling, "I have a feeling that I will be ready for retirement when Nika makes me a great-grandmother. I may find myself in L.A. permanently then."

Spike smiled in return. "That would be grand, Enid. I think both of them would appreciate it."

"And what about you?" she asked quietly. Enid had noticed Spike's growing gloom over the past couple weeks, and had labeled the Slayer as the cause, though Buffy was most likely completely unaware of her role in his mood. "What would it take to make your life grand?"

"You have been gloomy for days," Enid stated. "Ever since Buffy was here and you heard her tell Danika how she felt about you. Tell me why."

Spike shrugged. "No reason. Just a bit out of sorts, is all. Doesn't matter, really."

"Doesn't it?" Enid asked with a sigh. "Tell me about how you met. Your first thoughts when you saw her."

A baffled look crossed the vampire's face, and then he shrugged. It seemed that the person he had been so many years ago kept re-emerging every so often, and a gentleman did not deny a request from a lady, not when he could fulfill it. "It was back a while," he said. When I was evil." Spike smiled a little. "Or when I was more evil, anyway.Took Dru—my sire—to the Hellmouth. She was weak, an' I thought it would help her."

Spike closed his eyes at the memory. "Heard there was a Slayer in town, an' I was gonna kill her, yeah? It was what I did. I'd killed two of 'em before, didn't think a third would be a problem. I showed up at this club all the young ones went to, an' I saw her there, dancin' with her friends. I knew who she was immediately—was like her blood sang to me. She was bloody brilliant—full of life, an' I wanted her. I wanted her dead, of course, but for a minute I thought it would be a waste to kill her—just for a minute."

Enid nodded, careful not to disturb the spell that Spike had cast over himself, delving deeply into old memories. This was an exercise she had used before to help people connect with the truth of their feelings. It needed to be done subtly with Spike, as she didn't think he would go where he needed to willingly. She needed to bring him to the crux of the matter with care. "What happened?" she asked softly.

"Went to kill her at one of those parent nights they have at school," Spike said with a small smile. "Almost had her till her mum came up behind me an' hit me over the head with an ax. She was some lady."

"She sounds like it," Enid agreed, moving in to peel away another layer. "When did you know you loved her?"

"Had this dream," Spike replied. "Dreamt she was goin' to kill me, an' then we ended up shaggin'."

Enid let out a breath. "But when did you know you really loved her? When did you call yourself hopelessly hers?"

Spike tried to remember. The dream had been an epiphany, but he still hadn't been happy about it. When had he realized that it was impossible to fight against his fate? "I tried to kill her," he remembered out loud. "She—she wanted me to tell her how I killed the other Slayers, so I told her the truth, an' it pissed her off. Think she might have suspected how I felt then, even if she didn't admit to it. She said I was beneath her—" Spike broke off, remembering the raw pain those words had inflicted. He'd wanted to cry, there in that alley. The Big Bad had fought back tears.

"I got a shotgun, an' I was goin' to kill her, chip be damned," he said. "An' there she was, on her back steps, cryin'. Her mum was sick, an' I knew. I knew I'd be dust before I let anythin' happen to her."

"Tell me about why you left," Enid said softly. "Tell me about the night that made you go."

Spike's face twisted with the memory. "It wasn't her fists," he said softly. "I'd had those before, an' I didn't mind so much. It wasn't even her words." He swallowed hard. "She was right, I s'pose, an' I knew she was talkin' as much about herself as about me." The silence seemed stark when he paused. "But she left me there. She didn't even—she didn't even check the next day to make sure I made it back to my crypt, because I almost didn't. I waited. I thought, if she checks, I won't leave. An' then I started packin'."

"I wouldn't have minded her killin' me," Spike said earnestly, after a moment's pause. "I didn't leave because I was afraid to die for her. I was afraid I'd end up killin' her instead, that every bit of love I felt for her would die, after I'd kept it alive for her all that summer she was gone."

Enid watched as he scrubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands, like a little boy trying not to cry. "Ah, William," she murmured, pulling the vampire into her arms. He shook with silent sobs, and she merely did for him as she had done for her granddaughter for so many years—rubbed gentle circles on his back and murmured meaningless words of comfort. "There now, lad. Tell me why you are so afraid."

It was a measure of Spike's mental state that he didn't even bother denying his fear. "Can't live with losing her again. Couldn't handle her walkin' away again. I don't want to see her back, not again. I don't think I'd survive it."

"We must take risks in order to truly live, William," Enid said softly. "You love too well, my lad. You hold nothing back until there is nothing left. I think this time you must wait for the girl to come to you."

Spike didn't look up. Somehow he didn't feel ashamed of his outburst, but he didn't think he wanted to show Enid proof of his tears. Somehow having her hold him reminded him of his mother's arms, of Joyce who had been kind, of Nika who had given him his first glimpse of peace. "Patience was never one of my virtues," he replied.

If anyone had ever told Buffy that she would one day be helping Wesley Wyndam-Pryce pick out an engagement to give to his girlfriend, she would have checked them into the nearest psychiatric ward. At the very least, she would have asked them what they were smoking. It just went to show how much things could change.

Buffy trailed him over to the case with all the wedding rings and watched in amusement as he stared at the offerings. He looked as serious poring over the rings as he did over some dusty old book. "You know, Wes, you could always get something really simple and then bring Nika back here later to pick out something different."

"Okay," Buffy said cheerfully, thinking it was almost cute, the way he was taking this so seriously.

A salesman came over to greet them as soon as he had determined that they were seriously looking and weren't going to waste his time. "May I help you find something?"

The man smiled and looked over at Buffy. "Of course. Is there something specific you were looking for?"

Wesley and Buffy got identical horror-struck expressions on their faces. "Oh, no," Buffy said quickly. "I mean, we're not—I'm just here to—"

The man smiled. "Certainly. Well, perhaps I can pull something out for you to look at and you'll see something that strikes your fancy." He reached into the case to pull out a tray of gaudy rings.

"I don't think so," Buffy said decisively. "Nika isn't the type to wear something that big. She'd probably want something unobtrusive."

They spent the next half hour looking at rings, either Buffy or Wesley rejecting each ring for some odd reason. While Buffy didn't know Nika all that well, she had gotten a feel for the other woman, and had a pretty good idea of what she wouldn't like. Wesley, on the other hand, was shaking his head because they weren't something she would like.

The salesman was obviously getting a little frustrated. "Perhaps you'd like to bring your fiancé in and she could pick out a ring herself."

Buffy smiled. "He means what Nika does for a living." Turning to the salesman, she said, "She's a midwife and an EMT."

Wesley glanced over at the Slayer, who shrugged. The man came out with a different tray and pulled out a simple gold band that had diamonds channel-set all the way around. "Medical personnel in general prefer a ring like this, or a simple band," the man explained. "There's nothing to catch on surgical gloves, so she will not be required to take it off on a regular basis."

The ring was simple, but very pretty, and both Wesley and Buffy found themselves nodding. "That's the one," the ex-Watcher said with a sigh of relief. "It's perfect."

The purchase was made in a matter of minutes, and Buffy thought that the man might have made his relief to see the last of them a little less obvious, which she was quick to comment on as they left the store.

Wesley shrugged, patting the pocket where he'd stuck the black velvet box, happy just to be done. "It doesn't matter."

Buffy's eyes narrowed in thought. Wesley was in an amiable enough mood, she thought she might have a shot at getting him to do her a tiny little favor. "Would you do something for me, Wes?"

Wesley had been too well-trained as a Watcher to fall into that trap. Well, that and Cordelia had gotten the exact same tone of voice when she wanted something that he wasn't going to be happy about giving her. "That would depend on what it is."

"Do you have a vamp nest you need cleaned out, or a demon to kill, or something like that?"

"I am," Buffy replied stiffly. "That doesn't mean I can't slay as an extracurricular activity. I just thought if you had a job that needed doing, you could let me do it, and then you would be free to take Nika out. You know, I could give you a break."

Wesley wasn't completely dense. (Even if there were those who would argue with that assessment.) "What about Spike?"

"Huh?" Buffy asked, as innocently as possible. "Oh, well, Spike could come too. It would be like old times."

"I see," Wesley said, keeping his voice as toneless as possible. "This wouldn't have anything to do with a date, perhaps?"

"A date?" Buffy asked. "Of course not. I mean, we're just friends, and—" She stopped and sighed. "Fine, it's a date, but I'd like it to be a surprise, you know?"

Wesley considered for a moment. He had received a call earlier that day about a vampire nest that needed to be cleaned out. The pay would be minimal, but he had the feeling that Buffy didn't mind that. "There is a nest that I was planning to have Spike help me clean out," he conceded. "I don't see why you and he couldn't go instead. But is it wise in your condition?"

"Fragile isn't an adjective that goes with Slayer, Wesley," Buffy reminded him sharply. "Not even a pregnant one, and not one who's only a few months along."

Wesley cleared his throat. "Of course. How silly of me to be concerned for your well-being."

Buffy shot him a glare, which soon softened into a smile. "You know, I kind of like the sarcasm on you. It's refreshing."

"Indeed," he replied. "Buffy, do you think taking Spike hunting is the best idea? Perhaps a nice dinner, or—"

Wesley had to concede her point. "But if the two of you are starting over, maybe it's time to create a new tradition."

Buffy thought about the last "date" that had included a stakeout, and wondered if Wesley might not be right. On the other hand, Spike loved a good fight, and Buffy loved fighting with him. Well, not with him anymore, but definitely by his side. "Maybe," she replied, pulling her coat closer around her. "But not right now. I think we have to deal with the past first."

Wesley nodded. "Then I'll give you the address of the nest. If you feel up to it, you could do it tonight."

"Sure thing," Buffy said cheerfully, giving Wesley a sly look. "I think that ring is burning a hole in your pocket anyway."

Spike knew something was up when Wesley informed him that Buffy had volunteered to take over his spot on clearing out a nest. Spike probably could have handled it himself, but his partner was insistent about taking Buffy. "What's this really about, mate?" Spike finally demanded after going around a few times. He was emotionally exhausted from his trip down memory lane earlier, and he really had no desire to see Buffy until he could get himself sorted out.

"I bought a ring today," Wesley admitted in a low voice. They were down in the basement, and Nika was upstairs, but the walls were thin, and Wesley didn't want to give his surprise away.

Understanding dawned, and Spike nodded, immediately backing off. "Right then," he said. "I'll take care of this nest with the Slayer, give you two some time to yourselves. Been a bit hectic 'round here lately anyway."

Wesley breathed a sigh, thankful that Spike could be quite accomodating when he wanted to be. "Thank you, Spike. I appreciate that. You'll be fine going with Buffy then?"

It was a little too like old times for the vampire's comfort. Of course, they were in Buffy's Jeep instead of the DeSoto, and the Slayer wasn't impatient to be away, but Spike was getting an uncomfortable sense of déjà vu. That sense was heightened when Buffy reached over into the glove compartment and pulled out a flask. He refused the drink regretfully. "Better not, luv. Should be sharp for this one."

"Later then," she insisted, waiting until he'd taken the silver flask from her hand and tucked it into his jacket pocket.

She shook her head. "Later, Spike. I think now might be a really good time to clear that nest out."

Spike watched as two more vampires showed up. That put the count up to ten, which was about as many as he wanted to handle with the Slayer, especially with her pregnant. "Let's do this then."

He hadn't been in battle with the Slayer since long before he left Sunnydale. Other than the first few weeks since she'd been back, Buffy hadn't wanted his company on patrol. He'd mostly just waited for her to come to him, or he had followed her around. It was amazing—it was like no time had passed, as if nothing had changed.

They were as perfectly synchronized as they had ever been, perhaps better, since they were both more concerned for their partner's well-being than they had been in the past. Spike was concerned because the Slayer was carrying a child; Buffy was worried because Spike wasn't a hundred percent with that injured leg.

So they fought side by side and back to back, keeping a tight orbit around each other when the ten vampires were dusted and an additional four who had appeared from out of nowhere. When it was over, they were both covered in vamp dust and grinning from ear to ear.

Then Spike met Buffy's eyes, and his grin faded. "Well, that was fun," Buffy said cheerfully.

"That it was," the vampire agreed, looking around to make sure they hadn't left anyone unalive and that he wasn't missing a stash of valuables.

"Spike?" Buffy waited until he turned to face her. "Why do you keep avoiding me?"

"You're here because Wesley asked you to come," Buffy pointed out. "And because I asked him to let me do this."

Spike wouldn't meet her eyes. "So, you've got me where you want me, Slayer. What do you want?"

"I—I don't know," Buffy faltered. "I guess I just wanted to get a chance to talk. I thought it would be, like, a date." She trailed off. It wasn't a bad idea, but their last "date" had ended rather disastrously. "Spike—"

He shook his head, moving towards the door. "Don't think that's a good idea, pet."

He stared at her, his expression a mixture of anguish and hope. "Until when? Until you get tired of me? Until I tell you somethin' you don't want to hear? I can't do this again, Slayer. I can't—"

Buffy watched as Spike broke off and turned his back to her. She could see him trembling from where she stood, and she wanted nothing more than to go to him. "This isn't about me needing you to feel," she said quietly. "It's not about breaking up with Peter, or being pregnant, or even wanting a boyfriend. This is just about us."

When Spike still wouldn't look at her, Buffy knew it was time to pull out all the stops. "I love you."

"Then why did you walk away?" he asked. "How the bloody hell are we goin' to avoid killin' each other when I'm not even sure what went wrong in the first place? Why, Slayer? Why did you show me your back, because I can't survive another round of this."

Buffy sighed. This was harder than she thought it was going to be. There was a large part of her that had believed that if only she could say those three magic words, all would be forgiven and they'd live happily ever after. She found a relatively clean crate and sat down. "I don't know, Spike." She stared at him. "What do you want me to say? I'm sorry for what I did. I was wrong. I hated myself, and I hated you for loving me. I hated being alive. You want to know what's different? Well, most of that no longer applies. I don't hate myself, I don't hate you, and I'm actually enjoying being alive."

Spike was frozen with indecision. Enid had advised him to wait until Buffy came to him of her own accord, and here she was—her proverbial hand extended. If he didn't risk it now, if he let her go again, wouldn't that be just as bad as her not wanting to admit that there was anything between them?

He sat down gingerly beside her, the silence palpable. "I still love you, Buffy," he admitted in a low voice. "Just don't know if I can trust you."

Buffy nodded, forcing back tears. "That's fair. If I were you, I probably wouldn't trust me either."

"But I want to," he said, looking over at her with quiet intensity. "I want to be able to trust you."

Spike looked amused. "About us," he clarified. "Think we should take it slow, ease back into it like. I need some time—time to know..."

"That I'm not going to start treating you like shit again." Buffy winced, knowing the truth behind that fear. It wasn't Spike being paranoid.

"Yeah," he agreed. "But I thought maybe, if you were hungry, we could get somethin' to eat. Or go back to the house an' get somethin', maybe watch a movie."

"Like a continuation." He brushed her hair back from her face, letting the silky strands fall over his fingers.

"I meant it, you know." Buffy reached up and took his hand, entwining his fingers with hers. "I do love you. I just don't know what that's going to look like for us yet."

He smiled, and then suddenly got a twinkle of mischief in his eyes. "So you're finally admitting there is an 'us', Slayer?"

"There's always been an us," Buffy said softly. She stood and held out a hand to pull him to his feet, noticing that he was still favoring his right leg. The Slayer frowned thoughtfully, plans for a pampering session in mind. She had a shot at this—they could make this work.

Spike took the Slayer's offer of support and leaned in on her as they made their way back to the car. He felt more secure now, knowing what it was that she wanted. He felt a smile curve his lips. She wanted him.

He tightened his grip possessively. It seemed that they were finally seeing eye to eye.