Collide5

Chapter 18: Trust

"I had no choice but to hear you/You stated your case time and again/I thought about it... Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole/You're so much braver than I gave you credit for/That's not lip service...You are the bearer of unconditional things/You held your breath and the door for me/Thanks for your patience/You're the best listener that I've ever met/You're my best friend/Best friend with benefits/What took me so long?...You've already won me over in spite of me/And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet/Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are/I couldn't help it/It's all your fault." ~Alanis Morrissette, "Head Over Feet"

"I've got it," Buffy said, hurrying to grab her robe.

Dawn's cries had woken both her and Spike, but the Slayer was the first out of bed. Spike paused in reaching for his jeans. "You sure?"

Buffy gave him an apologetic look. "She wouldn't be able to hear you anyway, Spike." She heard him curse as she left the room, wincing. Hopefully, Giles had managed to translate the spell, and they would be able to lift the curse soon. It was becoming more than just a nuisance.

Dawn was awake by the time Buffy reached her sister's room, sitting up in bed and taking deep breaths. "Dawnie?"

"I'm okay." She looked up at Buffy, trying to smile. "It was just a bad dream."

Buffy sat on the edge of the bed. "Are you sure? Do you want to tell me about it?"

Dawn shook her head. "Not really. It was—just bad." She gave her sister a hopeful look. "Did you—"

"He's not going to hurt you again, Dawn." Buffy pulled her into a hug. "He can't touch you now."

"I'm glad."

"Can you tell me what happened?" Buffy asked, feeling Dawn give an involuntary shudder at the question. "You don't have to talk about it."

Dawn shook her head, pulling back slightly. "No, it's okay. I can tell you. It was—these two guys just came out of nowhere and grabbed me. They—they took me to Rack, and he did something. Something to make me feel all floaty, like I wasn't really there, and then he—" Dawn stopped. "I can't explain it. It hurt, though. It felt like he took something."

Buffy could see that Dawn was trying not to cry. "It's okay, Dawn."

Dawn shook her head. "I just feel so stupid. People keep coming after me, and then you have to rescue me, and you've got enough to worry about. And Spike, with the curse and all the demons after him..."

"This isn't your fault, Dawnie," Buffy said quietly. "I know I haven't been very good recently about hanging out with you. Since I've been back, things have been hard, but that's not your fault. Any time you get into trouble, I'm going to be there to get you out of it." Buffy gave her a wry grin. "Even when it is your fault."

Dawn laughed a little tearfully, hugging Buffy tightly and burying her face in her shoulder. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

~~~~~

Giles was jet-lagged, irritable, and not at all happy to see Xander waiting for him. "Where's Buffy?"

"At home," Xander replied, shrugging uncomfortably. "She said she wasn't going to leave Dawn, and Dawn wasn't ready to go out. I guess I'm driving you straight over."

"What on earth is going on between her and Spike?" Giles asked. "This ritual—can't Willow just lift the spell herself?"

Xander looked even more unhappy. "Tara asked her to, but Willow said it couldn't be removed."

Giles frowned. He left and everything had almost immediately gone to hell. Buffy had apparently become quite close to Spike—if the ritual was any indication—Willow was using magic irresponsibly, and Xander had called off his wedding. "Where is Anya?"

"At the Magic Box." Xander looked over at Giles. "Did she tell you what happened?"

"She told me." Giles gave him a sharp look. "What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that I'm not ready to get married." They'd reached his car. Giles had brought a carry-on, but no other luggage, and so they hadn't needed to wait by the baggage carousel. "All I wanted was to put it off."

Giles snorted. "I'm sure Anya took that well."

"No, that's when we broke up. I still want to be with her."

"Why?" Giles asked bluntly. "To what end?"

"I love her," Xander replied. "I just don't know if it's enough."

"Then you'd best figure it out," Giles said. "Anya isn't the sort to be satisfied with half-gestures."

"How would you know?" Xander asked suspiciously.

Giles shot him a dirty look. "Because we worked together for the last year, Xander. I happen to like Anya. I find her annoying at times, but she's a hard worker, and she has a good heart."

"Oh." Xander shook his head. "But how do you know if it's forever?"

"Maybe when you wouldn't want it any other way," Giles suggested. "Now, could we go, please? There is quite a bit to do, and not much time to do it in."

~~~~~

Tara smiled at Buffy. "How's Dawn today?"

"Better," Buffy replied. "She's beginning to play on my sympathy, which is probably a good sign."

Tara laughed. "Probably."

"She woke with nightmares last night, though," Buffy said, more seriously. "I sat with her until she went back to sleep, and I don't think she woke up again. It's just—I'm not sure if what Rack did is going to have any lasting effects, or what this means..." Buffy trailed off. "I hadn't even thought about Dawn still being the Key."

Tara frowned. "I don't know, Buffy. It's hard to say what being the Key will mean for Dawn in the long run. I believe that she's a perfectly normal teenage girl, but that doesn't rule out the possibility that her blood may continue to have certain properties."

"Something to have Giles research, I guess," Buffy said. "Did you bring what we need for the ritual?"

Tara shook her head. "Giles called last night while I was still at the Magic Box. He's flying in today, and he's bringing the translation with him."

Buffy made a face. "Why do I think this is going to get very uncomfortable?"

"Probably because it will," Tara replied sympathetically. "You and Spike have my support, for whatever it's worth, though. And Anya's."

"I appreciate that," Buffy replied. "I guess we should go see if Dawn's willing to part with that necklace."

Tara smiled as she realized what Dawn's sympathy ploy had been. She wondered how Spike was feeling about being in such high demand between the two Summers.

~~~~~

Spike was beginning to fidget, thinking that he should go elsewhere. Buffy had convinced Dawn to let her have the necklace back, so Spike could hear what Buffy was actually saying. Any time Dawn or Tara mentioned his name, however, it was a different story, and even though he knew he wasn't hearing them correctly, their words still hurt.

Especially since he was still stinging from his failure to protect Dawn.

When the doorbell rang, Buffy rose from her seat. "I'll get that."

Spike stayed silent, knowing that Tara and Dawn wouldn't hear anything he said anyway. Dawn's hand came to rest on his arm, and he looked up. She didn't say anything, squeezing tightly. He gave her a smile in reply.

"I can't believe you haven't staked him yet," Xander said, his voice traveling clearly from the front hall. "Spike is more trouble than he's worth, Buffy."

"Thanks for picking Giles up, Xander," Buffy replied. "I didn't want to leave Dawn. We've got it from here. Too many more people would be a crowd."

"You can't seriously be thinking of lifting the curse on Spike," Giles said. "I would think silencing him was a favor more than anything else. You ought to be thanking Willow."

"Willow refused to lift the spell," Buffy said. "She told Tara that she couldn't, but that might just mean that she wouldn't."

Giles followed Buffy into the kitchen. "What are you doing here, Spike?" Giles asked.

Spike looked at Buffy, not knowing how to reply, or even what had been said. Dealing with the curse was bad enough when there were only one or two others besides the necklace wearer. With a crowd like this, Spike's discomfort was acute, and he wanted nothing more than to escape. "Buffy—"

"This isn't going to work," Buffy said, reading the emotion on his face. "Look, Spike, why don't you go upstairs? I'll speak with Giles, and we'll figure out how we're going to lift the curse." When he hesitated, she asked, "Do you trust me?"

"Do I have a choice?" Spike asked. He saw her hurt expression and immediately regretted his hasty words. "'m sorry, luv. This is—"

"This sucks," she said. "I know, Spike, but you have to trust me to do the right thing."

He nodded shortly. "Right."

When he rose to leave, Giles opened his mouth to say something. "Don't, Giles," Buffy ordered. "Spike doesn't need to hear another insult." Buffy was quiet, waiting until she knew Spike was upstairs. "Okay, now what were you going to say?"

Giles sighed. "You know, I do realize the dangers of leaving the curse in place, Buffy, but—"

"Do not even say it," Buffy said angrily.

Giles stopped, deciding that it wasn't worth making Buffy any angrier. He looked over at Dawn. "How are you, Dawn?"

She shrugged. "Pretty good for somebody who was in the clutches of an evil warlock."

If Giles hadn't just spent the last summer watching Dawn try to put a brave face on things, he might have missed the signs. "I'm glad you're safe."

Dawn shot him a look. "Spike was the one who rescued me."

Giles winced. "Yes, well, I can see when I'm outnumbered." He pulled a folded sheet of paper out of his breast pocket, handing it to Buffy. "I don't think that this is going to work, Buffy," he warned. "The ritual must be performed by someone who loves the victim, and I don't know of anyone who fits that description."

"I do!" Dawn said indignantly. "I can do the ritual!"

"You're not doing any spells," Buffy replied, quickly reading through the words of the spell. She handed the papers to Tara. "What do you think?"

"The ingredients are easy enough to find," Tara replied. "That's not going to be the problem, Buffy."

The Slayer nodded. "Good." She looked at Giles. "You look tired. Do you want to get some rest?"

Giles decided that Buffy wasn't going to discuss matters with him further. "That would be nice."

"I'll get the bed ready," she said, heading upstairs.

Giles turned to Tara and Dawn. "How long has this thing been going on?"

Tara and Dawn looked at each other. "Between Spike and Buffy?" Tara hedged.

Giles pulled off his glasses and started cleaning them. "Yes."

"For a while," Dawn said, a note of defiance in her voice. "And it's a really good thing, so don't mess it up."

Tara shot Dawn a look. "It's been good for Buffy, Giles," she said gently. "She's been a lot happier. A lot more...engaged."

Giles sighed. "I suppose it isn't any of my business." He gave Tara a gentle look. "And Willow?"

"From bad to worse," Tara admitted. "I understand that not everyone agrees that Spike is the best choice of boyfriends, but it's Buffy's choice. Willow—she could have gotten someone killed."

Giles sat down at the table. "I don't think she'll listen to me," he admitted. "When I confronted her about the resurrection spell, she didn't take it well."

"I've been thinking about it," Tara said quietly. "I think I might have an idea, but it's going to take both of us."

"Both of us?"

"It's a spell," Tara said quietly. "It'll force Willow to see herself as we see her. I think it might help."

"I want to help," Dawn stated.

Tara looked alarmed. "Dawnie, I don't think—"

"She was the one who took me to Rack's," Dawn said. "She didn't even apologize for that. I want her to understand that she hurt me."

Giles winced and then nodded. "If Buffy agrees, it might not be a bad idea. Dawn's favor is not something Willow would want to lose."

"Okay, if Buffy agrees," Tara said. "But that's going to have to take place after we lift the curse on Spike."

"What is lifting the curse going to do to Willow?" Giles asked. "Won't it go back on her?"

"It could," Tara admitted. "Which is why I think we should try to do both spells at the same time, or nearly so. Willow's powerful enough that we'll want to try to catch her as unaware as possible." Tara didn't look at all happy about the idea of ambushing her ex-girlfriend, and Giles knew how she felt. He had a great deal of fondness for Willow.

"There's a coven in England that might be willing to train her," he said. "If we can get her to see that she needs help."

"That's a pretty big if," Dawn remarked bitterly. "Willow doesn't think she needs anybody."

~~~~~

"Are you okay?"

"Sure, just fine. Why wouldn't I be okay?"

"Spike—"

"It's fine, Buffy."

"Giles translated the ritual," Buffy said. "Tara said she could get the ingredients pretty easily."

Spike nodded, turning away from the window to look at her. Buffy had found him standing in her room, at the edge of the patch of light that was streaming through the crack between the window and the blinds. She wondered if Spike had something of a death wish. It would make sense, the way he was always chasing Slayers, braving the sunlight, picking fights with the demon-world.

"What else is involved?"

"Just me and you, from what I understand," Buffy replied. "It doesn't look all that hard."

Spike eyed her suspiciously. "What aren't you tellin' me?"

"Don't you trust me?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah, 'course I do," Spike replied. "But you're not tellin' me something."

Buffy sighed. "The spell requires a gesture of trust."

"What kind of a gesture?" Spike asked.

She shrugged. "I have no idea. Apparently that's for the individual doing the spell to decide."

Spike sat down on Buffy's bed. "Do you want to do it? You don't have to, luv. I'll figure it out. I can—"

"Leave the room anytime two or more people are talking?" Buffy suggested softly. "Feel like you're invisible every time a human who isn't wearing a charmed necklace is around? No, Spike. That's not fair."

Spike looked down at his hands. "Yeah, it's no picnic."

She sat down next to him. "I'm going to ask Tara to get what we need. We'll do the ritual tonight, and then we'll figure out what we're going to do about Willow. She can't get away with this. I've let too many things slide lately."

Spike nodded. "Ta, luv."

Buffy had some idea of how much those words still choked him. It was as difficult for Spike to accept any kind of help as it was for her.

She had a feeling that he was going to have a large problem with the ritual, too. Buffy already had some idea of what the gesture of trust was going to be, and she wondered if Spike would go through with it.

Collide

By: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG-15

Disclaimer: The standard "I don't own; please don't sue."

Archive: Anywhere that already has my stuff; anywhere else just ask.

Summary: What if that house-demolishing in Smashed was a metaphor with a different meaning than the writers gave it? What if that night marked a release of a different sort? Goes seriously AU immediately after Smashed, and makes reference to my short story, "The Promise I'm Keeping," written for summer_of_spike.

Chapter 19: Leap of Faith

"I lost it all/You got it back/Believed in me/When I gave up on myself again/A sudden rain/ Revealed your face/I knew right then/No matter where I go I'd have/Your hand to hold...I was/A tender reed/Bent in the wind/And then the storm had passed/And you helped me stand upright again/So here we are/Nothing to lose/So take my hand/We'll jump right in/The water's warm/It's time to swim..." ~Plumb, "Sink n' Swim"

Buffy took the plastic bag filled with magic supplies from Tara. "So we know how this is going to work?"

Tara had taken a trip to the Magic Box for the necessary supplies, after teaching Buffy the correct pronunciation for the Latin in the ritual. Buffy had spent the last couple of hours memorizing the words. It would have been easier if the whole thing had been in English, but that wasn't possible. Apparently, there were segments that simply weren't as potent if spoken in English. In order to break Willow's spell, the magic was going to have to be pretty powerful.

Tara nodded. "When you lift the curse, it will probably spring back on the caster."

The Slayer raised an eyebrow. "Probably?"

She sighed. "It's hard to say. It depends on how Willow set up the spell. Sometimes curses are tied to the person who made them in the first place. Sometimes they're not. If they are, then the witch will know if the curse has been broken."

"What if it doesn't work that way?" Buffy asked.

Tara looked grim. "Then Giles and I take her by surprise and cast the other spell anyway."

"The one that Dawn wants to help you with," Buffy stated. She frowned. "I don't want her involved in this, Tara. She's—"

"It's not dangerous," Tara assured her. "I wouldn't have even suggested that Dawn help if it was. I also don't think that Willow would deliberately hurt her, and..."

When the other woman trailed off, Buffy nodded. "You think that how Dawn looks at Willow will have more of an effect on her than anyone else's opinion."

"Dawn hasn't done anything to hurt Willow," Tara pointed out. When Buffy looked like she was about to protest, Tara raised her hand to forestall the argument. "That's the way Willow will see it. I think it has a better chance of working than if one of us was the focus."

"You think this will really bring her to her senses?" Buffy asked. "I mean, it just seems like this isn't really Willow, you know?"

"I think she needs to realize what kind of damage she's doing," Tara said. "And I think this might be the only way to accomplish that."

Buffy nodded slowly. "Okay. Dawn can help. I know you and Giles will take care of her. How will you know when we've completed the ritual?"

Tara smiled ruefully. "I'll know. I should be able to feel it since I'm looking for it. If I can't sense it, hopefully we'll get the timing right."

"Okay. I guess I'll get this set up, then."

Tara put a hand on Buffy's arm, watching her closely. "Buffy, are you sure about this? The ritual calls for..."

"I know." Buffy shrugged. "It's weird, and unexpected, and Spike's still a pain in the ass, but he's my pain in the ass." Her face softened. "I wouldn't have made it through the last couple of months without him."

Tara impulsively gave Buffy a hug. "If it makes you feel any better, I like Spike."

Buffy returned her embrace, thankful that at least one person in her life didn't think she was making some huge mistake. One person besides Dawn, anyway, who was completely biased in Spike's favor. "Thank you. That does make me feel better."

"Do you know what you're going to do?" Tara asked, referring to the gesture of trust that the ritual called for.

Buffy nodded, her eyes deathly serious. "Yeah, but I have no idea if Spike will cooperate."

~~~~~

Anya looked up when the bell over the door jangled, frowning when she saw Xander. "What do you want, Xander? I'm in the middle of making orders."

He hesitated. "Can I talk to you?"

She put her pen down. "Talk."

"I'm sorry," Xander began awkwardly. "When I—I was stupid."

"I'm not going to argue with you."

He winced. "Thanks. It's just that I think we're moving too fast. I wanted to slow things down." Xander met her eyes. "I love you, Anya. I don't want to break up with you."

"I didn't want to break up with you either," she replied. "Xander, you put your friends before me most of the time."

"They're my friends, An," Xander replied. "They do important work."

"And your girlfriend isn't just as important?" she asked. "I don't want you to marry me if you're just doing it because you want to keep me around."

Xander ran a hand through his hair. "I want to keep you around, but it's more than that," he said with a sheepish look. "It's just that I don't want to hurt you."

"But you did hurt me," Anya replied. "You don't want to be with me."

"I do!" he protested. "It's just—forever is a long time."

Anya nodded. "You're right, it is." She took a deep breath. "I'm not going to wait around for you to make up your mind, Xander. If you don't want forever with me, then I think we should end this now."

This was it, Xander realized. This was where he had to make a decision. Anya wasn't going to let him off the hook. There wasn't going to be any more waiting. Xander could either put aside his fears and go ahead with their relationship, or he could walk away.

He just wished he knew the right thing to do.

~~~~~

Willow had no idea what had happened. Her plan had been perfect. Once Spike was out of the way, Buffy would come back to her friends. Except that apparently Spike was still alive—or undead—and now Tara was helping him.

Tara's words haunted her. What if she had been right? Willow had just wanted to fix things. Buffy was dead; she would bring her back to life. Tara was angry with her; Willow would make her forget their fight. Both Buffy and Tara were upset and angry; Willow would make it better.

That's all she'd wanted really.

Now, however, Willow didn't know what to do to make things right. She couldn't remove the curse; she hadn't lied to Tara about that. Willow was fairly sure that the curse couldn't be lifted unless she died or Spike did. Apologizing to Buffy wouldn't change things either, and besides, Willow really didn't want to.

She'd simply been doing what she thought was best. Since when were you supposed to get into trouble for good intentions? If Buffy had just talked to her, instead of going to Spike, everything would have been okay. They could have worked something out. Willow could have fixed it, but instead everything went so horribly wrong.

And she didn't think she could do anything about it.

~~~~~

Spike watched Buffy suspiciously as she set out the various spell ingredients on her dresser, close to hand. "You haven't told me why Tara isn't doing this."

"That's because she doesn't have to," Buffy replied. "It's also because once we break the curse on you, Giles and Tara are going to go after Willow immediately, so she can't do it."

"You're not tellin' me everything."

"No, I'm not."

Her honesty surprised him. "Buffy—"

"The spell has to be done by someone who loves the victim."

Spike stared at her. "Then it's not going to work."

"Why is that?"

"You don't love me," Spike said. "You—" He stopped, staring at her in wonder as Buffy used the ritual preparations to cover her confusion. "Buffy?"

She ignored him in favor of lighting the candles at the four points of the compass on the floor. "Step into the circle, Spike."

"But you—"

"When this is over we can talk about how I feel," she said. "For right now, I want to get this done." Buffy saw the hurt on his face, and she sighed. "Spike, please. I promise we will talk about this, in great depth and in as much detail as you like. When I feel like I have more than a minute to breathe. We're kind of on a schedule here."

He stepped into the circle. Spike wanted this curse gone as much as Buffy did—more than Buffy did. He also really wanted to know what else this little magic trick was going to reveal. "So what do you have to do?"

"Say a prayer, chant a chant, make a big trust-like gesture, and boom. The curse should be lifted."

"Should be?"

"Anya said she's seen it work once before, but it turned out badly. I'm hoping we're the success story," Buffy admitted. "You ready for this?"

Spike nodded, listening as she began to chant in English, and then in Latin. His Latin was definitely rusty, but he understood the rest of it just fine. The trouble came in with the Latin, which was a plea for charity—and something else. Spike couldn't quite figure it out. He knew that Buffy loved her friends, loved her Watcher, loved Dawn. For all he knew, she could love him too, but not in the way he wanted.

How did you define love? More importantly, how did Buffy?

She'd loved Dawn enough to die for her. Spike wondered if she loved him enough to stay with him. He tended not to have great luck in that area.

The Latin ended and the English began again, a statement of complete trust to demonstrate the fact that he was worthy of being saved.

Spike was beginning to feel an odd tingling sensation, as though he was warming from the inside out. It should have been impossible because he was a vampire, and vampires didn't feel heat or cold, at least not under normal circumstances. This was anything but normal, though.

"Buffy?"

She kept going, stubbornly working through the Latin. It was just the same phrase over and over again, and Spike wondered when she'd learned to say it properly.

Spike was beginning to get warmer, and he wondered if his skin would feel hot to the touch. It felt like some great pressure was building, and he could see the flames of the candles rise and the sand marking the edges of the circle begin to glow.

Now Buffy was asking somebody or other to regard her offering with favor, and Spike started getting really uncomfortable. What the hell kind of offering was she going to make? He didn't want her to make a sacrifice. That wasn't what it was supposed to be about. Spike had been trying to make Buffy's life easier, not harder.

Buffy finished the chant with the same Latin she'd been using. Spike had heard it so many times at this point that he knew it by heart. She was asking a favor, that the curse over him be broken. They were simple words.

As was her gesture as finished the last round of chanting.

Spike watched in disbelief as Buffy pushed her hair over one shoulder, leaving the left side of her neck bare. "What are you doing?"

"It's my big gesture," she replied. "Bite me, Spike."

Spike stood frozen. He couldn't believe this was even happening. That Buffy would offer herself up to him willingly—if she came to regret it later, though... "I can't, Buffy. You don't want this."

"Actually, I do." Buffy's mouth was a straight line. "And don't tell me what I do or don't want. I'm old enough to know my own mind."

"I can't," Spike replied, knowing that he sounded like an utter git. "You'll hate me for it."

Buffy took a small step closer to him. "No, I really won't."

"Why not?" Spike demanded. "What's so important about me, Buffy? Why put your neck on the line for this?"

"Because I love you, you idiot," she said, sounding a little irritated by the whole thing. Buffy stepped even closer, invading his space. "And because I trust you. With everything. This is just the icing on the cake."

Spike couldn't have said no to her even if he wanted to, and he really didn't want to. It had been years since he'd drunk from a living human, and Slayer's blood was like a Siren's call. Spike wondered if Buffy had realized that she was the only person he could have fed from, and he hadn't done so. If that alone hadn't told Buffy everything she needed to know about his feelings, there were no words that Spike could have used to convince her.

He wondered if she'd even thought about it. Spike wondered if Buffy even knew what she was doing.

It was more than just placing her life in his hands. It meant that she was breaking down every barrier that stood between them, offering him everything she had.

His face shifted, and Buffy smiled at him, touching his cheek. "Go on, Spike. Break the spell."

Spike felt as though he was burning up from the inside out. He was on fire. The candles were still flaming, the light from the circle covering them with a blaze of glory. Buffy's face was glowing; she looked like an angel. It seemed impossible that he should even be able to touch her, monster that he was.

But he would take it because she offered.

Spike heard her cry of pain when he bit down, and he would have withdrawn, but Buffy's hands came up, her fingers gripping the short hair at the back of his head. "I'm okay," she whispered in his ear.

He kept drinking, feeling the heat explode through him in a moment of ecstasy so profound he couldn't even comprehend what had just happened. It was that night in the abandoned house all over again, only better.

It was everything he'd ever wanted, ever longed for. It was perfect.

Spike pulled back, even though Buffy's hands maintained their tight grip on his head and neck. "Gotta stop now, luv," he said quietly, his face shifting again. The room was now shrouded in darkness, the candles having gone out and the pale sand demarcating the circle glowing only faintly in the moonlight. "You okay?"

"More than okay." Buffy kissed him hungrily. It wasn't that she'd gotten off on him biting her, precisely. It wasn't quite like the excitement that came after a good fight either. She'd felt perfectly safe in his arms, even with his teeth buried in her neck.

It had been the look of wonder on Spike's face, the absolute awe that her words had kindled. It was feeling, if only for a moment, that she belonged exactly where she was.

And it was the fact that even if she was safe with Spike, Buffy was walking on the edge by having a vampire biting her. The adrenaline was coursing through her, as much from the bite as from Spike's expression of adoration. She'd put that there.

Her hands were frantic on his clothing. She wanted him now.

Spike's hands were equally insistent. "Buffy...say it again."

"I love you," she said, her hands on his belt buckle.

Spike's hands were actually warm on her skin, the remnants of the spell causing an artificial heat.

There was a kind of rough tenderness in their lovemaking, a raw need that went beyond words. It was hungry and desperate and nearly overwhelming. Buffy understood what Spike meant when he said he was drowning in her, because the feeling was mutual.

And it felt so right.

~~~~~

"How are you going to know when Buffy does the ritual?" Dawn asked. She was standing with Giles and Tara on the UC Sunnydale campus, near Willow's dorm room.

Tara looked at her watch. "Buffy was going to start around nine. We guessed that it would probably take about fifteen minutes to finish the spell."

Giles raised an eyebrow. "I thought you said you'd be able to sense when it was broken."

"I should be able to," Tara replied. "The timing is just so we have something else to go by in case it doesn't work."

"What if nothing happens when Buffy does the ritual?" Dawn asked. "Are you and Giles going to be able to take her?"

"I'm hoping that we'll catch her by surprise," Giles admitted. "If Willow is unprepared, she cannot be on the defensive."

Dawn raised her eyebrows. "That's not making me feel any better."

"It wasn't meant to," Giles replied, sounding a little snappish.

Tara straightened. "It's done."

"You felt it?" Giles asked, following her as she headed towards the front doors of the residence hall.

Tara just nodded, heading down the hall towards the corner room. She waved Giles and Dawn to stay back where Willow wouldn't be able to see them when she opened the door. Steadying herself, Tara knocked. She didn't want to do this. It felt like a betrayal, to be trying to catch her ex-girlfriend unaware. In some ways, it felt as though they were doing exactly what they had accused Willow of.

Tara just wished she could find a different way.

Willow opened the door, looking pale and ill. "Tara? What—do you know what happened?"

Tara nodded. "Buffy broke your curse, Willow." She didn't know what she was hoping for. Maybe if Willow had seemed relieved, or if she'd expressed any remorse for doing the curse in the first place. Instead, anger flashed across the redhead's face—anger and hurt pride.

"Buffy did it?" Willow asked in disbelief. "Buffy doesn't know anything about magic. I made that curse so it couldn't be broken!"

Tara set her jaw and raised a hand. "Necto."

Willow stared at her in surprise as the binding spell took affect. "What? What do you think you're doing? You can't hold me! Is this about the curse? Spike is a vampire! He's not a person! He's nothing!"

"Necto." Giles' voice took on a deeper tone as he reinforced the binding spell, coming into the room, Dawn at his heels. "Shut the door, Dawn."

Dawn did as she was told, leaning against the closed door and staring at Willow with a cold expression. "How does it feel, Willow?"

"Dawnie, what are you doing?" Willow asked. "I don't know what they told you, but it isn't true."

"You know what's true?" Dawn asked. "What's true is that you took me to Rack's, and if you hadn't, he never would have known about me. What's true is that he decided he would kidnap me because you put that spell on Spike, and Rack didn't think Spike would be around to protect me. You're the reason that bastard took what he did from me."

Willow shook her head, her eyes wide. "Dawn, you have to know that I would never hurt you. I never did anything to hurt you! You know that!" She was so focused on Dawn and her accusations that Willow didn't notice that Tara and Giles were beginning to chant quietly from either side of her.

"Now, Dawn," Tara commanded.

Dawn reached out and grabbed Willow's hand. "No, Willow, you have to know exactly how we feel about you."

Willow was suddenly inundated with Dawn's feelings of rage and helplessness, her feelings of betrayal. It was Willow who had hurt Buffy so badly, Willow who had gone after Spike just when they were starting to feel like a family again, Willow who had put her in danger.

Dawn hated this person that Willow had become, the woman who had replaced the girl she had hero-worshipped.

Willow was sobbing by the time Dawn let go of her hand, but they weren't done with her yet. Tara was next, and the sense of utter disappointment and complete loss of trust nearly did her in. She was begging them to stop in a broken voice when Tara released her. Giles just shook his head when Tara and Dawn looked at him to see if he would finish the spell.

"That's enough," he said quietly.

Tara nodded, speaking the words to end the spell and release the binding. Willow collapsed on the floor, still weeping, the emotional onslaught having broken through her denial. Tara watched her weep and couldn't help but feel compassion for her. At the same time, she couldn't go to her. Not anymore. Not now.

"Why don't you take Dawn home?" Giles suggested. "I'll take care of Willow."

"Okay," Tara said. "Dawnie?"

"Yeah, let's go," Dawn said, heading out the door. "Only, maybe we'd better stop somewhere in between first." She didn't want to be around Willow. In fact, right now Dawn thought she'd be just as happy if she never had to see her again.

Tara frowned. "Sure, if you want to, but why?"

Dawn smirked. "Knowing my sister and Spike, they're going to need some privacy for a while."

Collide

By: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG-15

Disclaimer: The standard "I don't own; please don't sue."

Archive: Anywhere that already has my stuff; anywhere else just ask.

Chapter 20: Home

"...Oh night that joined the lover/To the beloved one/Transforming each of them into the other/Upon that misty night/in secrecy, beyond such mortal sight/Without a guide or light/Than that which burned so deeply in my heart/That fire 'twas led me on/And shone more brightly than the midday sun/To where he waited still...I lost myself to him/And laid my face upon my lover's breast/And care and grief grew dim/As in the morning's mist became the light..." ~Loreena McKennitt, "The Dark Night of the Soul"

When Buffy opened her eyes, she realized that she'd passed out at some point during the course of their lovemaking. Or was it after? Perhaps she'd simply fallen asleep. It had been intense, that was for certain.

"You okay, luv?" Spike asked.

She stirred herself enough to look at him. "I'm good. A little sore."

He immediately appeared apologetic. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Buffy said.

Spike touched her neck, next to his bite mark. "Does it hurt?"

"Not that much," Buffy replied truthfully. "Slayer healing and all."

He nodded, not replying.

Buffy realized that they had moved from the floor to her bed at some point, and she dimly recalled the flames from the candles leaping and the sand of the circle glowing. "I didn't burn up the carpet, did I?"

"No, it looked alright," Spike replied. "Your sister and Tara made it back okay."

"They did the spell?"

Spike nodded. "Guess Willow broke down. Rupert stayed with her. He didn't come back here, so I'm guessing he either got a hotel room or stayed there all night."

"All night?" Buffy asked. "What time is it?"

"Near noon," Spike replied. "You were out for a while."

She sat up. "Wait, Dawn had school today. It's Monday. I—"

"I got her off," Spike replied. "Harris drove her."

Buffy settled back down in bed. "What did you tell her?"

Spike shrugged as best he could from his reclining position. "Told her that the spell took a lot out of you." He smiled. "It worked, you know. Dawn heard me yellin' at her to get her arse out of bed just fine."

"I'm sure she appreciated that."

"Probably not, but she was on time, so..." Spike trailed off. "Did you really mean it, Buffy?"

She didn't bother trying to play dumb. "I meant it."

"When?"

"When did I know? Or when did I fall in love with you?"

"Either. Both." Spike looked away. "I didn't think—I didn't know."

"I'm sorry." Buffy sighed. "I don't know when I fell in love with you," she admitted. "It just sort of happened. I knew when we had to break into your apartment, and I realized that if you weren't around anymore..."

"Yeah," Spike said quietly, running a hand down her cheek. "Wouldn't be good."

"No." Buffy gave him a sheepish look. "So when exactly did I make it to the bed?"

Spike smirked. "When I picked you up and put you in it, 'round about eleven. Then I had to let Dawn and Tara know you were alright. You were out cold." The smirk faded and softened. "Thought maybe I took too much, but you were pretty involved in what came after."

Buffy snorted. "You could say that. I think it was probably a combination of all of the above."

"All of the above includin' the mind-blowing sex?"

"Don't push it, buster," Buffy warned him, her tone indulgent. "You know very well just how good it was."

Spike's eyes grew serious as he asked, "What's next, luv?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I do like your apartment, though. I don't think I got a chance to tell you that. It's nice."

"It's not much better than a hole," he objected. "But it's something. Thought you might be happier about Dawn going there after school, giving you a break."

"Only if you're okay with it," Buffy insisted. "I'm sure you have better things to do with your time."

He just raised an eyebrow. "Not really, luv. You forget that there's not much a vamp can do in the daylight hours."

"Sleep?"

"Don't need much sleep," Spike replied. "Never have."

She sighed. "Then I'll let you tell Dawn when she can come over. It's up to you and her to work it out between yourselves."

"What about the rest of it?" Spike asked.

Buffy ran a hand down the bare skin of his chest. He was cool to the touch again. It had been decidedly odd last night to be with someone whose body heat was at least as great as her own. She thought that she preferred Spike's usual cooler temperatures. "Does it matter?"

"Not as long as you love me."

"Then I guess we'll figure it out as we go along."

~~~~~

Tara entered the Magic Box, wanting to return the book that she had borrowed for the binding spell, as well as the one they'd performed on Willow.

It had worked just as well as she'd anticipated. Dawn had broken through Willow's denial, and Tara's disappointment had put the cap on it. Giles had called her earlier, saying that he'd stayed with Willow all night, mainly because he didn't think it wise to leave her on her own. He had also spoken to her about going back to England with him, staying and studying with the coven.

Giles felt that Willow needed training, and some kind of outside control. People who could—and would—tell her when she was stepping over the line and prevent her from doing so. He had also suggested that Willow needed to find out who she was again.

Tara couldn't help but agree.

"Anya?" she called as she entered the store. Anya came out of the back, and Tara could tell immediately that she'd been crying. "What's wrong?"

The other woman managed a shaky smile. "Xander and I talked. He—he wanted to put off the wedding, but..."

"It's off for good?" Tara asked.

"He's not ready." Anya sighed. "I don't know if I'm ready, either, but I wanted this, you know?"

Tara nodded slowly. "Yeah, I know."

Anya shook her head. "It's fine, though. I mean, I'm mad at him, but not really. It's just hard."

Tara sighed, thinking of Willow. "I know it is."

They looked at each other, a shared understanding passing between the two of them. "I feel like it might be okay, though," Anya said. "I helped. It's not like..."

"Like you're just the girlfriend?" Tara suggested, knowing exactly what it was that Anya was getting at.

Anya nodded. "Exactly."

"You were a huge help," Tara said.

"Thank you." Anya smiled, liking the feeling that came from knowing she'd done something good, that she'd contributed. In fact, she'd been more of an integral part of things than Xander or Willow had been. It left her feeling rather smug.

"Where are you going to be staying?" Tara asked.

Anya shrugged. "I'll have to look for a new place."

"Do you want some help?"

Anya gave the other girl a measuring look and then nodded. "Yes. I think that would be very nice of you."

Tara smiled. The group was re-forming, although along very different lines.

~~~~~

Dawn had refused to go point-blank, and so Buffy had left her sister with Spike. After everything that had happened with Rack, Dawn was just as uncomfortable being alone as Buffy was leaving her by herself. Giles had called to let her know that he was planning on taking Willow with him back to England. He had suggested that Buffy come see Willow before they left if she wanted to talk to her.

Buffy wasn't sure that she did want to see Willow, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

The Slayer knocked on Willow's door, wondering who it was that would greet her. She didn't have to wonder for long. The witch immediately looked stricken when she saw Buffy. "Come in."

Buffy entered the dorm room, watching as Willow closed the door behind her. "Giles said you wanted to see me."

Willow lost what little color she had. "Buffy, I am so, so sorry. I don't—I don't even know what happened. It's just that I wanted to help, and—"

"I understand," Buffy said quietly. "I know that you were trying to do what you thought was best, but do you understand now that you were wrong, Willow?"

Willow nodded slowly. "Yeah. Dawn and Tara got through, loud and clear." She looked away. "I'm sorry. About the resurrection spell. I wanted you back, Buffy."

"It's not always about what we want," Buffy replied. "Sometimes it's just about making do with what we have."

"I think I understand that now," Willow said. "I do. I—I never meant to hurt you."

"I know, Willow." Buffy wondered if Willow really did understand that what she'd done was wrong, not because she realized how they all felt about it, but because she didn't have the right to control other people's lives. Buffy wasn't sure that she did, but maybe that would come with time and training.

For right now, it was enough that Willow had apologized for what she'd done. Only time would tell whether or not she'd actually learned her lesson.

"I'm sorry about Spike, too," Willow continued. "I know that the curse was wrong. Someone could have gotten hurt."

"Spike was hurt," Buffy pointed out.

Willow swallowed, nodding. "You'll tell him I'm sorry?"

"I'll tell him."

"And I called off the contract. No one should come after him now, at least not for money."

Buffy held in a sigh. Willow sounded like she did any time she made a mistake. Trying to bake cookies to make everything okay. It didn't seem as though Willow understood that she shouldn't have put the contract out on Spike in the first place. She didn't say any of that, though. All she said was, "Thank you. That will make things easier."

They stared at each other, and Buffy wondered when Willow had stopped being her best friend. She was closer to Spike at this point. Or Tara and Anya, who had put aside their own heartaches to help her save Dawn and lift the curse on Spike. Buffy knew that things had been changing for a long time, but she couldn't ignore the evidence any longer, or pretend that it wasn't true. It wasn't a passing phase. It was a fundamental change.

Even if Willow returned, even if she learned her lesson, things between them would never be the same again, not after her actions had hurt Buffy's family so horribly.

Buffy still loved her, but she didn't really like the person Willow had become.

"I should be going," Buffy said. "Dawn's been wanting me to stay pretty close."

Willow nodded, unable to meet the Slayer's eyes. "Yeah. I leave tomorrow, you know."

"Giles told me." Buffy paused. "Good luck, Will."

That was all there was to say.

~~~~~

When Buffy entered the house, she could hear voices in the kitchen, and she followed the sound to its source. Giles, Anya, and Tara were all there with Spike and Dawn, and Buffy wondered what the emergency was. "What's going on?"

"Giles was just telling us about his travel plans," Dawn replied. "And Anya and Tara dropped by to see how Spike and I were doing."

Buffy smiled, coming to stand next to Spike. She could feel his hand come to rest at her back, and she leaned into him. "It was good of you guys to come over."

"I had a proprietary interest," Anya replied. "I wanted to see if the ritual worked this time."

"It worked," Spike said, an amused gleam in his eyes.

Giles looked a little sour. "So we can see." He glanced at Buffy's neck, and the healing wound. "Did you speak to Willow?"

Buffy nodded. "I'm not sure that she really gets it yet. I mean, she feels bad, and she apologized, but..."

"Willow doesn't yet have a good understanding of what magic ought to be used for," Giles said. "I'm hoping that the coven will be able to help with that."

"If she doesn't learn her lesson what are you going to do to her?" Dawn asked. "I don't want her coming back unless she's not going to hurt Spike again."

"Niblet—"

"I don't think you need to worry about that, Dawn," Giles assured her. "She's learned that lesson anyway. Buffy's made her wishes where Spike is concerned very clear."

Buffy could feel Spike's hand grip her waist as he pulled her just a little closer. Tara nodded her agreement. "Giles has told me a little about the coven, Dawnie," she said gently. "They aren't going to let her go until she's ready. If they feel as though she would be too great a threat..."

Tara trailed off, and Dawn moved to give her a hug. "I'm really glad you're going to be here. I think we got the better deal."

The woman smiled. "Thank you, sweetie."

"Where's Xander?" Buffy asked. "Is—"

"It's off," Anya interrupted. "I haven't seen him since we talked about it."

Buffy winced. "The wedding is off for good?" She turned to Giles. "Does Xander know that Willow's leaving? He'll want to talk to her."

"I called and left a message," Giles replied. "Whether he'll do anything about it, I don't know." He looked at Buffy and Spike, noting their closeness, the happiness in Buffy's face, her relaxed posture. She was looking better than she had in months, probably since her mother's death, and Giles decided not to bother with giving his speech about the dangers of embarking on another relationship with a vampire. It wasn't like Buffy was going to listen to him anyway. "I know this hasn't been a long visit," he said, "but perhaps once I get Willow settled I can come back for a couple of weeks."

Buffy's smile was radiant. "That would be really nice. We've missed you."

"Yes, well, I've missed all of you as well." Giles looked around the group, noting Spike's raised eyebrow. "And, as much as it pains me to admit it, that does include you, Spike."

The vampire smirked. "It hasn't been the same without you here, Dad."

Giles sighed, and then looked over at Buffy. "I know it's your birthday tomorrow, but perhaps we could have dinner tonight?"

Buffy nodded. "That would be good. It's probably better to skip the birthday this year anyway. I don't need any new emergencies."

~~~~~

Xander wasn't sure how to feel about all of this. Willow was leaving. He'd just been to see her, and it had been a bittersweet parting. He knew she needed help, but he didn't want her to leave.

"I think this is the best thing to do," Willow had said bravely. "And I think Buffy would prefer it if I wasn't around for a while."

Xander hadn't been able to disagree, not with everything that had gone on. The more he found out about what Rack had done to Dawn, and exactly what Willow's role in all of it had been, the less he could blame the Slayer for wanting to put some distance between them.

Willow had messed up big time, and everyone needed a chance to cool down.

So it was for the best, but Xander found himself struggling with what to do next. Willow, his best friend, was leaving. His relationship with Anya was over, even though their break up could have been much more acrimonious. He thought that they'd both realized that their doubts were too big to move forward at the moment. Neither of them was ready for the next step, but Anya wasn't willing to go back to how things had been. Xander didn't think he could blame her for that.

Buffy had Spike now, and Xander knew that he was going to have to get used to having the vampire around. Otherwise, he'd end up losing Buffy too. He was smart enough to know that.

Xander felt as though he didn't have a place anymore. What was he good for? He'd been a lot of dead weight during the last emergency. Spike, Anya, and Tara had been more involved than he was, and they'd done a good job without him. He wasn't really needed.

Still, Xander thought it was only right that he go over to Buffy's to make sure Dawn was okay. He wanted to see with his own eyes that she was unhurt. After all, Dawn was like a little sister to him.

When he arrived, however, everyone else was already standing on the porch, waiting for Buffy to lock up. They were all going out, and Xander felt even more out of place.

And then Dawn grinned at him. "Xander! Where have you been?"

"I went to see Willow before she had to leave," he replied awkwardly. "I wanted to see how you were, but if you all are going out..."

"Don't be silly," Buffy said. "We tried to call, but you weren't home. You're invited too. It's just an early birthday dinner since Giles is leaving tomorrow."

Xander looked around, and even Spike looked—not exactly welcoming, but he didn't appear to care if Xander did join them. Anya even managed a smile for him. "Is the hangover better?"

Xander winced at the reminder, and then resolved to do better. He'd helped get rid of the nerds. He could have helped this time too, if he hadn't drunken himself into a stupor. That was the last time he'd render himself useless. "Yeah, it is, thanks for asking."

"Are you coming, Xander?" Giles asked, trying to curb his impatience. "We really should be going."

Xander nodded. "Yeah, let's go."

It was different, of course. The group would never be the same again. As Dawn came to walk beside him, Xander relaxed. Maybe it was time to let go and move on.

~~~~~

Buffy wondered if she shouldn't be concerned, seeing Dawn and Spike conspiring during dinner. Of course, seeing the two of them, heads together, deep in conversation, was nothing new. They were close, and this thing with Rack had brought them even closer. Buffy wasn't sure exactly what it had been about the situation, but she didn't think she'd have been able to separate them with a crowbar.

She was really glad she had no intention of trying to do anything of the sort.

The dinner had been awkward at first, what with Willow's absence, and Xander and Anya's break up. Giles and Anya had ended up talking about the shop, however, and Tara had drawn Xander out in her gentle way, asking him about his work. Spike and Dawn were obviously planning something, which left Buffy to watch and participate in the conversations when she liked.

It hit her suddenly that she was happy. Really and truly happy. So much had been happening over the last couple of days that Buffy hadn't had time to do anything but deal with the emergency at hand. She hadn't had time to think about missing heaven, or not feeling as though she fit inside her life anymore, or wondering what the heck she was supposed to do next.

Buffy knew in that moment that she would be okay.

"Tara, do you think I could spend the night with you?" Dawn asked from her end of the table.

Tara raised an eyebrow, but she didn't say anything. She had a feeling that she knew exactly why Dawn was making her request. "I don't have a problem with that." Tara looked at Spike, who smirked. Tara shook her head and smiled. Anya and Giles had missed the exchange, since they were still debating on making a larger order for candles, but Xander winced and then dropped his head to look at his plate.

Buffy was impressed by her friend's restraint. She knew that Xander was trying really hard, and when he looked up again, she caught his eye and gave him a grateful smile. Xander grinned back at her in return, and then said, "You know, Buffy, I was thinking about your basement. I know there's still water damage down there. If you want, I could help you fix it. Maybe we could finish it off? That would reduce chances of that happening again."

Buffy hesitated. "I don't know, Xander. I'm not sure we can afford it right now."

"It wouldn't cost much," he said. "And I could cover some of it. I feel like it's the least I can do for you."

"We can talk about it," Buffy replied, her smile widening. "But that would be really good of you."

Xander nodded, satisfied that she would think about it anyway, knowing that if that were all he could contribute, it would still be something.

~~~~~

Buffy stepped into her bedroom, taking in a quick breath. "Spike?"

"Do you like it?"

He'd lit candles all around the room, and they provided a soft glow that gave his normally pale skin a warm color. The shirt he'd worn to dinner was half-unbuttoned, and Buffy could see that he looked nervous. Although why he would appear nervous was beyond her. "It's beautiful, but why?"

"It's your birthday, innit?" he asked softly. "Dawn said they usually turn out pretty bad, and this one hasn't gotten off to a very good start. Figured we'd start a new tradition."

She looked around the room, seeing all the signs of care that Spike had taken. "It's beautiful," she repeated. "No one has ever done anything like this for me before."

Spike took a step forward. "Maybe no one's ever loved you like I have."

"No, I don't think they have," she agreed.

Spike's face softened, his expression tender. "You know that I'd do anythin' for you, right? I'd change. I am changing. I want you to know that I'm always gonna be here for you an' Dawn. You don't have to worry about me, or the chip. You—"

"I love you." Buffy looked amused and touched at the same time. "And I know, Spike. I trust you."

He took a step closer. "So, this thing between us? I'm in it for the long haul, preferably forever."

"I can't promise you forever," she said regretfully. "But how about the next, oh, say seventy years?"

Spike swallowed, hardly able to believe what she was offering him, hardly daring to believe that this was real. It was everything he'd ever wanted from her. "I think I can live with that."

They came together, unable to resist the pull. It was just as good as it had been their first night, and every time after that, but this time they both knew where they stood, even if they weren't quite sure of what the future held for them.

Buffy knew she was as close to heaven as she could get, and she was content.