Chapter 12:

Buffy walked aimlessly around the shop, waiting for Spike to return. He'd taken her to the mall to get a dress for Smith's funeral, and she'd chosen it, but he'd disappeared looking for something else.

Buffy scuffed her shoes against the floor as she passed the toy section, black dress slung carelessly over her shoulder. She paused suddenly, turning to look at the display of baby dolls. There were millions of them, cute smiles painted onto their plastic faces. Some were in christening gowns, or jumpsuits, but others were in fancy dress or more stylish attire. Buffy smiled to herself and picked a Tiny Tackers baby boy off the shelf, one with big blue eyes, wearing a white jumpsuit with a purple cardigan and blue hat. Buffy smiled at the baby and imagined him chuckling, as Smith always did.

"Buffy?" She spun around and saw Spike watching her with concerned eyes. "What're you doing, pet?"

"I think I'm going to get him." She said softly, running her hand over the pink cardboard box. "Isn't he cute?"

"I don't think that's a good idea.." He trailed off, helpless against the smile brightening Buffy's face. "Kitten, you realize this isn't Smith, right?"

"I know." She held the box under her arm and went to kiss Spike on the cheek. "I just like him, that's all. I never had a baby doll when I was little and I always wanted one."

"Fine." Spike took the box from her and forced a smile. "If that's what you want."

*

"Hey Spike." Tara greeted him warmly the next morning with a cup of coffee ready. "How's Buffy?"

"Fine." He snapped, snatching the coffee so suddenly it sloshed all down his shirt. "You know, carrying a bloody plastic kid around with her everywhere she goes, but otherwise, brilliant."

"What do you mean?" She followed him into his office. "Spike, your shirt, it's kind of.."

"I have another one." He said angrily, flopping down in his chair. "I can't believe I actually bought it for her."

"It doesn't sound like your best idea." Tara bit her lip and frowned. "Elaborate."

"We went to the mall 'cos she needed a black dress for the funeral, and I left her for a while in the department store, and when I came back she was cuddling this plastic baby in a box."

"Maybe it's just a security thing. Maybe she just misses being a mom."

"She's talking about going out shopping for fucking baby clothes!" Spike clutched his head in his hands and muttered, "It's like she thinks it's real."

"Well, little girls think that their dolls are real, and-"

"Buffy isn't a little girl. She's a grown woman."

"Yes, but she may feel like one." Tara sighed and put her arm around Spike to comfort him. "She's just undergone a lot of trauma. She might feel lost and helpless.. and she might feel like a little girl. She might need this doll right now."

"She could just come to me." Spike said quietly.

"Well, yeah. But maybe the whole male thing scares her right now. With everything that went on with Ethan, she might be scared."

"But I love her." Spike frowned and checked his wristwatch. "I'd better get ready to see Tim. He's first, right?"

"Yeah." Tara leaned down and kissed Spike on the cheek. "It'll be okay. You sure you can deal with all this, though?"

He shrugged. "I deal with this stuff everyday. I've been trained to do it. I'm paid to do it. I'm just.. used to it."

"But this time it's you and someone you love." Tara gazed at him worriedly. "Spike.."

"Just go. I have to get ready." He focused on the papers in front of him, determined that Tara didn't see how deeply her words had sunken in.

*

That evening, Spike came home to find Buffy and her baby snuggled up in bed together, asleep. Or at least Buffy was - the baby simply stared into space, making Spike feel oddly unsettled. He took a deep breath and started shaking her gently to wake her, dreading what he was about to say.

Buffy stared up at him sleepily and smiled. "Hey. How was work?"

"It was alright, sweetheart. Here, sit up." He propped some cushions behind her back and helped Buffy up. "I got a call today from the police."

"Mmm?" Buffy pulled her baby back into her arms and cuddled it, making Spike feel slightly ill. He avoided looking at the shiny plastic child and looked directly at Buffy.

"Ethan wants to come to the funeral, princess." He took her hand and kissed it. "He'll be under police escort, of course, and it will just be for a little bit. That is, if you're okay with it."

"No." She said coldly, glaring at Spike.

"I don't want him there either, kitten."

"I don't ever want to see that man again. He's a monster. He's a fucking monster!" Tears filled her eyes and Buffy turned away from Spike.

"I know, luv. I wasn't trying to force you into anything or get you hurt, I promise." He cupped her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him. "I'll tell them no."

"Thankyou." She whispered, leaning in to kiss him. Then she realized what she was doing and pulled back, blushing. "Sorry."

"Don't be." Spike kissed her softly and smiled. "You feel like pizza for dinner?"

She nodded, a tiny smile playing on her lips now as well. "Yeah."

He helped her out of bed, running his hands up the length of her body to stop at the rounding over her breasts. "I love you, Buffy. I just want you to know that. I mean, you're so sad all the time.."

"I told you, it's not you." Buffy ran her hands through his blonde hair. "I'm just messed up right now."

"Can we please throw out that ugly plastic baby?" Spike asked softly, holding her close to him. "I'm sorry, kitten, but it's a little scary."

Buffy glanced at the baby, lying on the bed, hands and feet high in the air, light bouncing off the gaudy pink plastic skin. She shuddered and turned away, pulling a face. "Yeah. It's gross."

"I promise.. things'll work out here, kitten." Spike smiled at her hopefully. "And when we're ready.. we'll have ourselves a real marriage, a real baby, and a real life. Okay? I promise, I'll make you happy."

"I don't feel like dinner any more." Buffy whispered and threw the doll aside, pushing Spike down onto the bed. She kissed him with a hunger she'd never felt before, and with some other feeling that swelled inside her and left her dizzy. His hands caressed her body and felt like heaven, stroking her with such affection Buffy was sure she was melting.

And then she knew what it was. She pulled back from Spike and felt a smile curving on her face, and whispered, "I love you too."

She watched as his eyes brimmed with tears and asked anxiously. "Isn't that a good thing?"

"No, luv, it's wonderful." He pulled her into his arms and covered her neck and shoulders with light, loving kisses. "I just never thought you would."

"Well, I do." Buffy said softly. "I do."

*
 

Chapter 13:

"Buffy?! Buffy!" Spike stormed inside the house and went straight upstairs, knowing if she was going to be anywhere, it would be Smith's room. "Buffy?"

Spike had woken alone the next morning, and panic had instantly tore through him. Buffy hadn't gotten up on her own ever since Smith died, she'd slept past noon somedays. And something deep inside Spike had told him there was something wrong.
Very wrong.

Of course, he'd been right. She wasn't anywhere in the house, or outside. Her things were all there, and he was sure she hadn't left for good. So he'd gone back to her house, thinking it was the only place she would have gone. Again, he was right. He found her in Smith's room. She was leaning against the sky-blue wall, body heaving with the sobs escaping her. The anger inside him melted away and Spike hurried to her side, wrapping his arms around her. "Princess, god, what happened?"

"I had this awful nightmare." Buffy whimpered.

"Mm, tell me what it was."

"Ethan. He was here, choking Smith to death. And I woke up, and I felt like I had to stop him, so I ran here and then I realized it had already happened and it was just too late." She let out an agonized wail and buried her face in his chest as Spike rocked her in his arms. "I feel like I could have stopped it. I feel like I could have done something. If I'd woken up, or if I'd done something before we became like that. If I'd been a better wife or-"

"Stop." Spike kissed her softly, silencing her. "There isn't anything that could have been done. I hate to say it, kitten, but it's true. Alright? Ethan was.. he was crazy, to have done something so evil. I don't want you to ever think you were responsible."

"Okay." Buffy smiled to herself as he nuzzled her neck affectionately. "Take me home?"

"Course, kitten. Of course." Spike sighed and helped her up. "We've got a big day ahead of us."

"Spike?" She took both his hands and looked into his eyes sadly. "I know you said it might be good for me, closure and all, but I can't watch the casket be lowered today. I can't watch him go like that.. it would just be so awful."

"Alright." He planted a kiss on her forehead. "That's okay, luv."

*

"You ready, kitten?" Spike looked her up and down and smiled. "You look beautiful."

Buffy blinked back tears and gazed at the floor. "I can't do this."

"You can." He took her hand and kissed it softly. "I know you can."

She turned away and looked at herself in the mirror, dressed in the black dress she'd bought a week ago. It clung to her skin much too tight, and itched like crazy. Spike looped an arm around her waist and pulled her to him. "Come on."


*

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away...

Buffy kept her eyes trained on the green, green grass covering the earth as the priest spoke to the small crowd of people. Her father was there, silently supportive, as was Tara, holding Spike's hand. A few fellow mothers she'd known from the playground were there, looking decidedly uneasy, holding their own children. Strangely, Buffy didn't want to cry at the sight of the babies. She smiled at them shyly, pulling funny faces to make them laugh. And next to her was Spike, one arm wrapped snugly around her.

"We mourn the loss of this beautiful child, who's life was much too short. But now Smith is in God's hands, safe and well, and shall remain the same in our hearts."

The crowd started to disperse, whispering gentle words of comfort or apology to Buffy as they went. She smiled at them appreciatevly and tried to remain strong as Spike walked her back to the car.

Then she saw the police car, parked right next to her cars, with Ethan staring at her from the back seat with accusing eyes.

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away..

Buffy realized he was watching her with Spike, and decided he could suffer. She grabbed Spike and kissed him passionately, making all the pain disappear. She could feel Ethan's eyes boring into her, hatefully, loathingly, but she ignored it as best she could. She pulled away from Spike and whispered, "Take me home?"

"Okay, kitten." He led her down to the car, glancing at Ethan. He unlocked the car and helped Buffy in, glaring at Ethan all the while. He tapped on the window, alerting the policeman to his presence. "Get him out of here. Buffy doesn't need this."

The officer nodded and backed the car out of the lot. Spike watched Ethan, glowering at the man, mouthing, "Fuck. You."

Don't turn away
Don't give in to the pain
Don't try to hide
Though they're screaming your name

Buffy turned the radio on in the car, flicking through the channels aimlessly. She finally gave up and turned it off, turning to Spike. "I want to organize divorce papers to be sent to Ethan."

"Alright." He smiled at her. "I'm proud of you, kitten. For being so strong."

She burst into tears then, sobbing into her hands, ashamed, heartbroken, and frightened. Hearing the priest's words had confirmed it, as had being in Smith's room. Buffy was horrified with herself for denying it for so long - pretending with the doll, imagining Smith in her arms as she'd gone to sleep every night. It was no use - he was gone. And Ethan was still alive. She wanted to kill him as he'd killed her son, make him hurt as he'd made her. She felt so alone, so empty, so utterly hopeless it ached her, deep within her, her heart bled. She was completely alone.

Spike stopped at the lights and started caressing Buffy's back. She gazed up at him and saw him for the first time. Not as her psychiatrist, or lover, or boyfriend, but her companion. Her love. Her soul mate.

She didn't feel so alone anymore. The tears stopped.

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now...

*
 

Chapter 14:

The red numbers on the digital clock read 3:45. Moonlight twinged with the faintest approaching specks of sunlight floated in the window, burning Buffy's skin. She was hot - unbelievably, uncontrollably hot. She tore the thick blankets off her and wriggled out of Spike's choking embrace, stumbling drowsily to the window. She opened it and hot air flew at her.

Summer. Buffy sighed happily and left the room, wondering how Spike could stand to be cocooned in all those blankets. But he was sleeping peacefully, he always did. Like a baby. Like her baby. Buffy had always wondered how a good sleeper could be described as someone who slept like a baby - she'd always assumed they'd cried all night. But when she'd had Smith, she realized how very peaceful they could be.

Buffy tore her clothes off as she went downstairs, suddenly filled with a new energy. Finding her bathers quickly, she hurried outside and dove into the cool depths of the swimming pool. She powered up and down the pool relentlessly, never growing tired, only finding more strength within the anger curdling inside her.

*

"Kitten?"

Buffy stopped dead in her tracks, swaying from side to side as the wavy water pushed her to and fro. Spike was standing above her, concern lining his face. She smiled. "Yep?"

"How long've you been out here?" He asked curiously.

"Since about four." Buffy shrugged. "I felt like a swim."

"It's past seven now." He said, reaching his arm out to her. "Come inside and have some breakfast."

"Come inside the pool and have me." Buffy said softly, splashing at him, a flirtacious smile on her face.

"I'm dressed for work." Spike pointed out, but a playful smirk was tugging at his lips.

"That'll come off easily." Buffy whispered, climbing out of the pool to grab him. She slid her arms around him and pulled him into the water with her, tearing his shirt and pants off as she went, pressing her wet body to his. "I want you."

Shirt saturated and ripped open, pants around his ankles, his hair sopping and curling down over his face, Spike backed her up against the wall and yanked Buffy's bikini bottoms down. She cried out and smashed her lips to his, reaching down between them to grasp his erection. Spike wrapped her legs around his waist and thrust deep inside her, pressing his finger to her clit at the same time, his moan muffled as his lips met hers in a hungry kiss. It seemed like forever since they'd done this.

Buffy's orgasm hit her almost instantly, just from feeling him pleasure her with his cock and hands at the same time. She trembled violently in his arms as her climax took over her body, sending her skyrocketing. Buffy collapsed into his arms, distantly hearing Spike shout out and come as well. Still clinging to him, Buffy slipped down into the water, refreshed and relaxed. She stood up and slung her arms around Spike's neck, smiling at him lovingly. "That was amazing. Just what I needed."

"Mmm, me too." He scowled at her. "Now I'm sopping wet and I have to get to work in half an hour."

She pulled his pants back up and smirked. "This would look a bit suspicious."

"Come on inside, kitten." He scooped her into his arms and carried her into the house, upstairs, and into the bathroom. He placed her down on the mat and removed her bikini top, stopping to lick at her breasts with a hungry tongue. Buffy moaned softly, threading her fingers through his blonde hair, slightly darker at the roots. Spike grabbed a warm towel off the rack and dried her with it, slowly rubbing the soft terry cloth over her skin.

"Make love to me again." Buffy pleaded as he pulled back.

"I have to get to work, kitten." He kissed her softly and smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She mumbled grudgingly. "Who are you seeing?"

"That's confidential, kitten." He smiled at her as she dried his hair thoroughly with the towel.

"But I'm your girlfriend." She whispered. "Your kitten."

He placed a single finger to her lips and said quietly, "You'll keep it a secret then. It's this boy, Tim, he's only 11 and he's been sent to me after his last doctor diagnosed him as manic depressive. The mother didn't believe him, she wants a second opinion."

"How can an eleven year old be a manic depressive?" Buffy wondered incredulously.

Spike shook his head. "He is, and the sad thing is, he's not the first I've seen. I've seen kids as young as six that are closer to suicidal than I've seen anyone."

Buffy stayed quiet for a while as he led her into his room where he could get dressed, grieving inside for these anonymous children. "But.. why are they like that?"

"Some are abused, or they've witnessed it. They've lost loved ones or they're put down by other kids." Spike shrugged. "I could go on for years listing reasons."

"Has Tim been abused?" Buffy asked, fear creeping into her tone. She remembered both her days with her father, and those with Ethan, the terror she'd been prone to feeling day and night.

For a moment she swore Spike looked ready to cry, but the moment passed and he shrugged. "I'm guessing so. His father left a year ago, and he refuses to talk of him. There's something going on with his mother.. she's pregnant again, and he says she doesn't know who the daddy is."

"How do you deal with all this?" Buffy wondered aloud again, stroking her hands up and down his back as he fastened his tie.

"I have for seven years now." Spike said quietly. "It's hard, but it's my job. I like helping people."

The silence hung heavily in the air again, tension surrounding them. Buffy knew what she wanted to ask, but she was afraid. Finally, she said in her softest, gentlest voice, riddled with fear, "What if you can't?"

Again his face crumpled, misery darkening his blue eyes. Spike cleared his throat awkwardly and looked away. "There've been a couple of times. And it takes getting used to. But sometimes there's nothing to be done.. or the person has simply waited too long to come to me.. or they just can't open up and find any release except for.. well, you know."

"Suicide." Buffy finished for him, horrified. "You mean you've had people who have actually.."

"Two. A man, who I saw for three years, finally gave up on himself. That was two years ago now. And a girl, around a year ago, killed herself after her third session with me. Decided I couldn't help." Spike blinked back tears. "I'd best be off, sweetheart."

Buffy kissed him on the cheek and took his hand. "I'll walk you to the car?" She offered gently, hugging her arms around him.

"Thanks, sweetheart." They walked out to his car together, holding each other close. Spike smiled at her. "If you need anything, call me."

"Okay." She cupped his face in her hands, fusing her lips to his in a passionate kiss. "You do the same, baby."

"I'll be fine." He assured her.

"I know you can help Tim, Spike." She hugged him quickly, smiling against his cheek as she whispered, "You helped me."

Buffy stood back and watched as he drove off into the distance, wrapping her arms around herself. She wished she could go with him and hold his hand through it all, for it seemed underneath his brave face there was a man who carried everyone else's worries on his shoulders.

*

 

Chapter 15:
Smith Summers - Stolen from our hearts much too soon. RIP.

Buffy stared at the words, somehow unable to tear her eyes away. She read them over and over, calmly, finding that it didn't upset her at all. There was a slightly hollow feeling within her, but it didn't hurt. It was just as though he was gone. A part of her.. simply gone.

She was glad Smith bore her name and not Ethan's. Buffy knew she'd never bring herself to visit if it read Smith Rayne.

"I got your note." His voice cut through the silence, but it was welcome to her. Buffy smiled and turned to face Spike.

"I didn't want you to worry." She said softly. "How was your day?"

"Alright." He pulled her to him and kissed her. "You okay?"

"Yeah." She turned back to face Smith's grave, decorated with the pink and yellow roses she'd brought. "I wanted daisies, but the florist didn't have any."

"Well, you didn't go to the right one, pet." He smiled as he presented her with a large bouquet of pink and white daisies. "His favourite, you said?"

She grinned and threw her arms around him, peppering kisses all over his face. "Who's a better boyfriend than you?"

"I hope there aren't any other candidates, kitten." He ran his hands over her skin. "You cold?"

"A bit." She smiled as he wrapped his coat around her. "Wanna head home? I'm kind of hungry."

"What do you feel like?" He asked as he led her down to the car.

"McDonalds?" She blushed. "I'm in a junky-foody kind of mood."

He hugged her to him. "Anything for my lady."

*

"I don't know how you can eat that." Spike pulled a face as he watched her devour handfuls of greasy chips.

"They're yum." Buffy smiled at him. "Try one?"

He shrugged and took one from her. "They're alright."

"No wonder you have that body. You don't indulge." Buffy giggled and stuffed another french fry in his mouth. "Thanks for this."

"S'okay, kitten." He took the toy she'd gotten in her Happy Meal and smiled. "Care Bears are back?"

"I love them." Buffy said softly, blushing. "You must think I'm a total idiot."

"No, I don't."

"Okay, between the Care Bears and the baby dolls? I must look like a freak." She sipped at her drink, smiling at him shyly. "Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Do you think I'm a freak?"

"No." He leaned across to her side of the table and kissed her. "I love you."

"Then you're the freak." She whispered, cupping his face in her hands as she kissed him passionately.

"Dr. James?" Buffy looked up to see a little boy standing beside the table, smiling at them shyly.

Spike pulled away from her and smiled back at the boy. "Hey Tim. Are you having tea here?"

Tim nodded. "Mom's over there with Annie."

Buffy glanced at the woman at the counter and was almost sick. She glared at Spike, slumping back in her seat, as Tim's mother hurried over. "I'm sorry, William, Tim didn't mean to interrupt."

"S'alright, pet." Spike smiled. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Tim."

"Bye." The boy hurried after his sister to the playground.

His mother smiled at Spike warmly. "He adores you. He's always talking about Dr. James this and that. And the art supplies! You shouldn't have." She batted him on the arm playfully, then turned to glance at Buffy. "But I didn't realize that you were a Dr-and-Mrs."

"We're not." Buffy said quietly. "I'm his girlfriend, Buffy."

"I'm Fred." She grinned. "I should go see to my starving children. I'll see you tomorrow, William."

Spike turned back to Buffy, the smile instantly dropping off his face. "What's wrong?"

She scowled at him. "She's gorgeous, that's all. You didn't mention the reason why you were so fond of Tim was his mother."

"That's not fair, Buffy." He frowned at her. "You know I love you."

"Fine, sorry." She gave him a small smile. "But she's a real looker."

"Not half as much as you." He took both her hands and kissed her reassuringly. "Silly girl."

"What did she mean about the art stuff?" Buffy asked curiously, fiddling with her Care Bear.

"Tim likes to paint so I bought him some stuff that he can use. He brings it with him sometimes and just sits and paints."

"You'd be such a great dad." Buffy whispered, more to herself than to him. She glanced at him and saw he was smiling at her. Buffy blushed and said quickly, "Sorry. I didn't mean that."

"I'd love to be one." He replied, adoring smile still stuck to his face.

"You think we could?" She bit down on her lip. "I mean.. it's too soon now. But you know. One day."

"One day soon." He murmered.

"Would you want a boy or a girl?" Buffy asked, grinning gleefully. The idea of her and Spike with a baby made her practically giddy.

"Either." He shrugged. "I'd just love to have a kid."

"We should then." Buffy stared at the table, wondering what it would be like to be pregnant again. It was wonferful with Smith - she'd felt so important, nurturing life inside her, holding another tiny human within her. She'd hated the sickness, and all the other gross things that tended to come with pregnancy, but she loved the way she'd grown. Her body had changed every day, developing beautiful curves, her skin became softer, and at night Buffy would hold her rounded belly and smile to herself until she lulled off to sleep. In her dreams, she was with him, her child, though at that point it wasn't technically a he or she. It had just been a magical, wonderful, lovely gift.

"Soon." She said, her lips brushing against Spike's again. "I want to again, soon."

*

 

Chapter 16:

"We might've just made a baby." Buffy whispered, running her hands over Spike's bare chest. "Do you think we did?"

"Maybe." He kissed her softly, exploring the curves of her body with the gentle sweeping of his right hand.

After a moment's silence, Buffy asked hopefully, "Which room will we use for a nursery?"

Spike frowned, gently smoothing her blonde hair where it stuck up. "Don't you think that's counting our chickens a bit much, luv?"

"You don't think I'll get pregnant." Buffy accused in a hurt voice.

"That's not what I meant." He smiled. "I'll get you pregnant if it means staying in this bed with you for the next ten years."

She giggled and jumped on top of him. "Sounds like a good plan."

He nuzzled her neck affectionately. "Yeah."

"Do you mind what.. well.. you know." Buffy sighed and asked in a tiny voice, "You won't want to stay in bed with me when I get pregnant, trust me."

"How do you mean?"

"I'll get all fat and ugly."

Spike cocked his eyebrow, asking curiously, "I thought you loved how your body changed when you were pregnant."

"You won't." She said sadly.

"I will." He promised. "You'll have life growing inside you, Buffy, that's gotta be beautiful. You're amazing how you are now, and I know you'll be just as amazing when you have our baby inside you."

Tears pricking at her eyes, Buffy smiled lovingly at him and whispere, "Thanks."

"S'okay." He shrugged. "If you do get ugly, I'll just have it off with Tim's mum."

Buffy shrieked angrily and batted him on the chest. "Jerk!"

"I'm kidding." He laughed and pulled her into his arms again. "I don't want anyone else in the whole wide world. Buffy.."

"Yeah?"

"Do you really think I'll be good at this dad thing?" He asked nervously. It had been bugging him ever since they had started talking about babies, possibly before. Maybe it was the first time he'd held Smith, knowing one day he'd have to do it, but not knowing if he could.

"Duh. Of course you will be, I saw you with Tim. You were great with Smith as well." She planted a tiny kiss on his cheek. "What names do you like?"

"Matthew.. for a boy. Maybe Ella, for a girl?"

"I always loved the name Ella too." Buffy smiled. "So, if it's a girl, Ella?"

"Sure." He wanted to tell her she was being a bit presumptuous, that they weren't pregnant yet and may not be for a while, but Buffy was smiling. She was really happy, and that was what he wanted. So Spike stayed quiet and listened to her ramble on about baby clothes and toys and other things until she'd reached the point of planning high school for their child, and he was half asleep.

*

Three weeks later, Buffy had become even more obsessive and Spike was actually dreading going home, knowing that from six in the evening until whenever she finally went to bed, all Buffy would talk of was babies. Not that he didn't love her, and how happy she was, and Spike was just as excited. But now she'd forced him into the same mindset as her, all he could think of was the right kinds of nappies and fabrics for clothing.

"Are you going to marry that girl?" Tim asked as he painted, splashing blue paint onto the canvas in front of him.

Spike smiled to himself. "Why d'you ask?"

Tim shrugged. "You looked really happy."

"I want to. I'd love to." He paused. "How do you feel today?"

"Okay." Tim glanced over at Spike. "Do you think I'm a manic depressive? All my other doctor's keep saying it."

"Do you think you are?"

Tim shrugged again. "All the people in my class think I'm crazy. My teacher found some gross drawings in my draw a while ago, of dead people, you know, from a war. I got in trouble for it."

"Why'd you draw dead people?"

"They were soldiers. Everyone thinks war's so great, but it's not, people die, and I just wanted to say that." Tim's voice started to wobble. "Is that wrong?"

Spike shook his head, reaching out to pat Tim on the back reassuringly. "No, it's not. So.. you drew some pictures, and the teacher got worried, and then you were sent to Dr. Strauss?"

"I didn't want to talk to him." Anger flickered into the boy's tone. "He thought I was a freak just like everyone else, and he just wanted to pry things out of me. It's not fair."

"He said that you didn't talk and when you did, you were angry and spoke of dark things." Spike said gently.

"I just didn't like him." Tim smiled. "I tried to scare him half the time. And I was sad after my dad left. That's all it was, I never tried to hurt myself, I'm not depressed. You believe me, right?"

Spike smiled back. "If you believe that, I do. So.. you don't feel bad about anything right now? Not about your family or school?"

"Not really."

He got up and went over to the bookshelf, drawing out a book. "Does war interest you?"

Tim nodded. "The history of it."

"Take this." Spike offered him the book. "It's all about that kind of stuff."

"Thanks." Tim's face lit up as he flipped through the book. "Will you still hang out with me even if you're not my doctor?"

Spike patted him on the head. "Course."

*

"Kitten? You know, I think this whole dad thing isn't going to be so bad." Spike frowned as he took off his jacket, the sharp smell of paint fumes hitting him instantly. "Buffy?"

"Upstairs." She called, and he went to find her.

She was in the other bedroom, on a step ladder, the entire room covered in newspaper and old sheets, slowly painting the far wall a sunny yellow. Spike sighed. "You don't really get the concept of waiting, do you?"

Buffy jumped off the ladder and came to kiss him. "How was work?"

"Good." He glanced around at the three walls already painted, the far one being the only one not completely done. "When did you get started on this?"

"This morning." Buffy said softly, smiling at him shyly. "Are you angry?"

"No. But we're not pregnant yet. It might be a good year or more before we have a baby to put in here." He sniffed, wrinkling his nose as the bitter smell hit him again. "At least the fumes will've cleared out by then. Don't tell me. You have a truckload of furniture downstairs."

Buffy scowled at him. "You think I'm stupid."

"Slightly, yeah." He smiled at her. "It's a nice colour, though."

"I ordered these whispy white curtains and went into town and got some stencil things of hearts that will be in white as well."

"Kitten.." He scooped her into his arms and kissed her. "This is a bit.. well.. it's kind of early to do this, isn't it?"

"Okay, maybe I won't mention my trip to Baby + Co." Buffy blushed. "Spike, the thing is.."

"The thing is.. this is lovely." He kissed her again, moving his lips down her neck. "I love you for doing all this, pet, but I just don't want you getting your hopes up when it might take a while."

She smirked at him. "You're an idiot, Spike. You're going to feel like such an idiot in a minute."

"No, these things take a while." He said gently. "I know. I've had friends who have really struggled with getting pregnant, and-"

"Well, the struggling thing isn't happening here." Buffy could barely contain the smile on her face, she felt like bouncing off the walls and kissing him until his face was bruised. "I'm pregnant. I went to the doctor yesterday."

"You're only just telling me now." He stated in disbelief, dragging her into his arms. "You are? Really?"

"I told you you'd feel like an idiot." She smiled as he pressed his lips to hers, holding her tightly in his arms. Buffy took his hands in hers as Spike kissed her and placed them on her stomach. "And I got a call today. Ethan got the divorce papers, he'll have them signed by the end of the month."

"Mmmm, I love you, I love you, I love you." Spike said in a hushed voice and threw her over his shoulder. "I love you, Buffy."

*

 

Chapter 17:

Eight Months Later

Buffy lay awake, running her hand over the curve of her stomach. She stared up at the ceiling, chilled by the night air, hr skin puckered with goosebumps. "Spike?"

"Mmm?" He sat up, stretching. "You alright?"

"Are there any more blankets?"

"Sure." He went over to the wardrobe and pulled out a thick blanket, tossing it over Buffy before he returned to bed. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her softly. "Can't you sleep?"

"She keeps kicking." Buffy whispered.

He caressed her swollen belly gently, a sleepy smile on his face. "Only a day now. Less than that, it's already early moring. You sure you want a caesarian, kitten?"

"I'm not pushing that thing out of me." Buffy pulled a face. "I wasn't going to do it with Smith, and this one's no different."

He laughed, pressing his lips to her belly button. "Okay."

"You know, when I was having Smith, Ethan didn't get there until after he was born." Buffy's face fell, tears springing into her eyes. "He didn't try to comfort me or anything."

"I'll be there." Spike promised. "Is there anything you need now, luv?"

"Spike.. I might go see Smith." Buffy sat up properly and stretched. "I need to see him before I see Ella."

He frowned, watching as Buffy started to get dressed. "Now?"

She nodded. "Alone. I just need to be alone."

"It's past midnight, kitten. I don't want you going to the cemetary all on your lonesome." Spike got out of bed and grabbed his jacket. "How about I take you there and stay in the car, just to be sure?"

She nodded as she raked her fingers through her tangled hair. "I'll just be a minute."

She hurried downstairs and went outside, kneeling down before the garden bed, laden with daisies and roses that she'd planted. Buffy picked a dozen or so of each flower, bunching them together with an elastic band. She sniffed in their soft scent, and smiled to herself. Buffy turned and saw Spike waiting for her, leaning against the doorframe. "You okay?"

"Yeah." She yawned and looped her arm through his. "I just want to see him."

*

Buffy knelt down and placed the bouquet of flowers on her son's grave. A year had passed now since his death, and if he were alive, he might be talking, possibly. She wished he could, she wished he could say something to her to reassure her right now. She wished that Smith could at least hear her. Then again, maybe he could. Buffy took a deep breath and started to speak.

"Hey Smithy. I know I come every week to see you, and I already have this week, but I needed to see you before what's going to happen happens. Tomorrow I'm going to the hospital and I'm going to have a baby. It's going to be like a whole new story for me after that, and it's not like you won't be a part of it, but it will be me starting over. I really need to do that, I really, really do. It's going to be great, we've decorated her room, all yellow and white, kind of like these daisies." She smiled, gently touching the blossoms. "I promise I'll visit you every week with Ella. She'll know about you, don't worry. You're her big brother, even though you won't be around for it."

Buffy glanced over her shoulder at the one car sitting in the car park, where Spike was waiting patiently, though half asleep. She turned back to Smith and said softly, "I'll never forget you, Smithy. But it's time for me to move on, and I've found someone who makes me really happy. You knew him for a little while, and I think if you were here, he'd love you and you'd love him. We could have been really happy."

She felt tears slip down her face, but then Buffy felt Ella kick. She laughed and placed her hands on her stomach, knowing by that afternoon she'd have her child in her arms. Buffy reached out and traced over the words commemorating her son, and though the cold touch of stone made her shiver, she knew Smith was safe. She took one last look at his grave. "I love you, Smith."

Something told her that he had heard that, and somewhere, he was smiling along with her.

*

I was a troubled soul
I had a worried mind
Drifting from place to place
I was the restless kind..

"I can't look." Buffy whimpered, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Okay, Buffy, I'm finished making the incision." The doctor said in a soothing tone. "We'll just take Ella out now."

"Spike. I want Spike." She said desperately, and he rushed from behind the screen to her side. "Ethan wasn't here with me for Smith, I need someone.."

"It's okay, luv, she's almost here."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Spike said softly, holding Buffy's hand in his.

..Right there in front to me, bright as the light of day
You saw a broken girl
You loved me anyway..

"You okay?" Spike asked gently, hugging her in his arms.

Buffy nodded, opening her eyes just in time to see Ella in the doctor's hands, wailing. "She's so tiny."

"She's a little underweight." The doctor noted. "I'm just going to take her to get cleaned up."

"She's alright, isn't she?" Spike asked nervously.

"Yes, she's just a little small. 2.3 kilos." The doctor had Ella wrapped in a pink blanket and handed her to Buffy. "But here she is. Happy and healthy."

"She looks amazing." Buffy said tearfully.

"We'll take you to a private room soon." The doctor said quietly. "I'll give you two a minute."

And if I sprouted wings
I would not be amazed
Cause faith is a mystery that
Rocks me for days and days and day and..
I could be in the street
I could be on a train, or struck in some doorway down in the pouring rain..
Now there is not one place that doesn't feel like home
No matter where I go
I know I'm not alone..

Buffy cradled the little girl in her arms, gazing down on her adoringly. Ella had thin whisps of blonde hair and rosy cheeks, and the cutest smile on her tiny face. "She's beautiful."

"She is." Spike whispered, planting a soft kiss on his daughter's head. "Little Ella, eh?"

"Promise you'll never hurt me or her." Buffy said suddenly. She saw the hurt in Spike's eyes and handed Ella to him, gently touching his face. "I know you wouldn't. But I want you to promise me. Just in case."

Knowing it was what she needed, Spike smiled and nodded. "I promise, luv."

I've never been so sure of love..

"Thankyou." She kissed him, their daughter snuggled between them, gazing up at them adoringly. Buffy looked from Spike to Ella and smiled, ready to begin a whole new chapter.

I've never been so in love..

The End - I hope you enjoyed it :-)