As Buffy watched the vampire disappear in a cloud of dust, she thought of him. She wished he was there. She could almost feel his hands on

her hips, stroking her waistline, his lips nuzzling her neck... wait a second. "Spike?"
"Mmmm..." He spun her around and kissed her. Buffy wanted to fight him but couldn't. It felt too good.
"I... you... no... we..."
"Come back to my place."
She followed him, holding his hand, shocked at how he could control her with one kiss.
He led her down to his bedroom. She stared at the sight before her. Candles lit the room and red rose petals were thrown over the bed.
"Wow."
Spike pulled her onto the bed, lying down so she was straddling him.
"This is beautiful." Tears stung Buffy's eyes.
"What's wrong, luv?" Spike sat up and she snuggled into his lap.
"Nobody's ever done this for me before..."
"Noone?"
"Noone. I always wanted it to be like this, especially my first time... all romantic and sweet and... this." She sighed bitterly. "Not sticky and

fumbly and awkward... and I wanted it to last for more than ten minutes!"
Spike held her lovingly, but couldn't help letting a chuckle escape. She pulled away and glared at him. "What is so funny?"
"You and Angel... couldn't even keep it up for... ten..." Spike hooted with laughter and fell back. Buffy smiled slightly, and started to giggle.
When they finally stopped, Buffy sighed again. "What are we laughing at? We did it for the first time in an abandoned building, and it was

cold and it hurt." The last thing she admitted shyly. Seeing Spike's concern, she added hastily, "Not you, the falling building."
"It doesn't have to be like that. We have the chance to do it perfectly..." He kissed her again. He had never wanted her so badly in his unlife.
Buffy saw the hope in his eyes, but pulled away. "I can't..."
"Let me love you, Buffy. Like you deserve..." Spike pleaded with her.
"No."
She left in a hurry.

*

"Hey, Buff. A little late, don't you think?" Xander motioned at the clock.
"Oh, sorry. I had a bad night."
Buffy yawned and thought back to her endless tossing and turning. Wishing she was with Spike. Damn him.
"Well, we got Chinese for lunch. Hope you're hungry."
"Definetly."

*

"Stupid cookie!" Buffy stared at the paper, rereading the words again for the millionth time. "Not true. So not true."
YOU WILL FIND HAPPINESS WITH AN UNEXPECTED LOVE.
"Stupid vampire." Buffy ripped up the paper and went downstairs in hope of a distraction.
Dawn smiled at her as she came downstairs. "Hey Buffy! Guess what Anya and Xander sent us?"
Buffy took the card from Dawn. It was a glittery, festive card with "Merry Xmas" scrawled across a photo of Xander and Anya smiling

happily.
All Buffy could see was her and Spike.
"Cute." She murmered, handing the card back.
Dawn smiled and ran up to her room. Buffy barely noticed, Spike being the only thought on her mind.
"Buffy, control yourself. You are not going to see Spike. You are certainly not going to let him..."

"... make love to me, Spike!" Buffy threw herself into his arms and kissed him.
Stupid vampire.

*

"Wow. That was... wow."
Buffy was lying in Spike's arms, tingling from head to toe. "Mmm..." Spike nuzzled her neck.
"Wow."
"Not cold are you, luv?"
"A bit." Spike pulled the doona over her, cuddling her to him.
Buffy replied by kissing him on the cheek. She started to giggle.
"What's so funny?"
"You have rose petals all through your hair!" Buffy ran her fingers through his hair, spiking it up. She smiled, pleased.
"So do you."
They kissed, but suddenly guilt rushed through Buffy. "I shouldn't be here."
Spike tensed. "Luv, don't do this."
"It's wrong... this is all so wrong..."
"Fine." Spike pulled away and started to get dressed.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting dressed." He shrugged her hand away when she reached out to touch him.
"Why?"
"Maybe I don't feel like sticking around to hear you preach about what's wrong and what's right."
"Spike, please..." Tears stung her eyes.
"I can't do this anymore. Fuck, Buffy! I can't stay here anymore and love you like this! You give me hope and then you wrench it away and

stab me in the back! I can't stand you doing this and still expecting me to love you unconditionally."
Buffy started to cry. Spike softened. "I have to leave. We both know if I stay this is going to keep going on. We both know I'm not going to stop

loving you and you're taking advantage of that."
"Spike, you can't... leave... no! You can't!"
"I have to." He kissed her gently. "You know I do."
He started to climb the ladder, when she grabbed at his leg. "No! What if I say I love you? I love you! Now you can stay!"
Spike stared at her. She was standing below him, clawing at his leg, sobbing hysterically, entirely naked.
"You don't mean that. You never will."
Buffy fainted.
Spike sighed, picking her up and laying her on the bed. He covered her with the doona, kissing her lovingly. "I love you, Buffy."
Spike stood, staring at her sleeping form. He couldn't move.
Finally, he mustered all of his strength and left her behind, and any part of William that was insisting he stay.

*

Buffy awoke, alone and cold, despite the blanket covering her. Her head spun. What had happened?
She remembered Spike and her having sex... she had come, he had told her he loved her as he came. She remembered giggling and kissing

him.
That couldn't be it...
suddenly the memory of their fight came back. Spike's words rung harshly in her ears.... "I have to leave.... you know I do... You don't mean

it.... never will..."
Buffy shrieked in pain, clawing at the sheets and pillows, bashing against the headboard. Pain throbbed through her. "No...." she screamed,

aching for him.
Spike's final words came back to her. "I love you Buffy." They repeated, whispering around her, protecting her.
She missed him, willing him to return. Realising she loved him.
Realising he made her.

*

Spike entered the lair, and stared at the disgusting scenery. Vampires were sprawled over the floors, bloodied, beaten. The place stunk of

cold blood and drugs. He searched the room, seeking out the leader.
His eyes rested upon a tall vampire, covered almost entirely by a velvet cloak. The vampire guarded a door.
"You in charge here?" Spike demanded.
"Yes." The demon's voice was solemn, almost eerily empty.
"I need to find Kagru. You know where I can find him?"
"Yes."
Spike growled. He was already getting pissed off. "Well, where?"
"Through this door."
Suddenly another vampire jumped in. His voice was slurred, probably the aftermath of booze, blood and drugs. "No... I'm next for

Kkaaaaa.... Kaaaa..."
Spike hit the fledgling with all the force he could. The vampire fell back in pain, his face broken and bloodied, barely human.
"I need to see Kagru, now." Spike glared at the guard.
the guard stepped back without hesitation to let Spike pass.

*

Buffy walked through her front door, everything black and white. In her hand she clutched dead rose petals.
"Buffy! We were worried!" Willow came forward and studied the broken Slayer. "Buffy?"
"Buffy?" Dawn hurried over and waved her hand in front of her sister's face. Buffy gave no response.
Willow slapped Buffy gently, and shook her out of her trance. "Spike!" She yelped.
Willow glanced at Dawn, worriedly. "No, Buffy, it's just me... Willow."
"And Dawn! Are you okay?"
"Spike..."
"What's wrong with her?" Dawn whispered, scared.
"Buffy, why don't we go have a nice cup of tea, then if you want you can go see Spike?"
Buffy stared at her friend. Suddenly she started to sob, tears streaming down her face, "He's gone he's gone he's gone..."
Willow led Buffy to the sofa. "What are you talking about?"
"Buffy? Is Spike really gone?" Dawn said, her eyes wide and full of fear.
"He's gone.... it's all my fault!"
"Of course it isn't, Buffy. I'm sure he isn't gone forever!" Willow reassured her gently.
"He is... I was so horrible to him... we were together and happy, and then I ruined it by telling him it was all so wrong!"
"What was all so wrong?" Willow and Dawn glanced at each other, utterly confused.
"Us sleeping together..." Buffy buried her face in her hands.
"WHAT?" Willow cried. Dawn stared at Buffy in horror.
"We slept together... I asked him to make love to me and he did.... and then I went and ruined everything!"
As Buffy sobbed, Willow and Dawn stared at the ruined girl cowering helplessly before them.
"Why did he leave?" Dawn choked on her words, tears finally coming.
"Said he couldn't love me like this and have me reject him... said he had to leave, best for both of us..." Buffy and Willow turned to see Dawn

run upstairs in tears. "... and I love him."
"Oh, Buffy." Willow hugged her friend and let her cry.

*

Spike stared at the little boy in front of him. He could smell the child's blood, so thick and fresh, pulsing speedily through his veins. Spike

studied the little child and felt a sense of familiarity, and wondered where he knew the boy from.
"Kid. Get over here."
The boy hung back. "Please don't hurt me." He whispered.
Spike sighed. His vampire instinct was telling him to kill the child, but he couldn't. Something was wrong. "You're only little, aren't ya?" The

boy whimpered. "Well?"
"I'm this many." The boy held up six fingers.
"Ah."
They stood, still quite a distance from one another, quiet. The boy cried silently.
"Don't cry." Spike started to walk towards the child, who backed away.
"You're a monster."
Spike's instinct told him to lunge at the child and bash his insolent head in. Spike again resisted. "I won't hurt you."
"But you might. I don't believe you."
Spike stared at the child. He was tiny, with curly brown hair, and an English accent. Spike thought hard. Where the hell did he know the kid from?
"What's your name?"
"William."

*

Buffy sobbed into the pillow. It was midnight and all she had done all day was cry. And think of Spike. She wanted to sleep so badly, to just go away from all the pain, but she didn't feel safe.
Spike made her feel safe. Safe and loved.
Now he was gone.
Buffy got up and put on her jacket. She made her way to Spike's crypt, praying that he might be there. She imagined him, tall and strong. His blonde hair just waiting for her to spike it up, just how she liked it. His eyes, staring lovingly into hers.
She kicked open the door. No Spike watching TV. She went downstairs. No Spike sleeping.
No Spike whatsoever, and God did it kill her.
She undressed and rummaged around in his drawer until she found a red shirt that smelt distictly of him. She put it on slowly, fixing every button, only to imagine Spike undoing them.
Buffy lay down, on his pillow, and slept.
Because here, she felt safe.

*

"What's yours?" The boy asked innocently.
"Bloody hell."
Spike's head spun. Was this kid really him? "It's um... it's William too, actually."
"Wow."
They again stood silently, everything completely still.
"Raaargh!" Suddenly a huge demon pounced on William. The boy screamed shrilly.
"Yep. That's me." Spike murmered, before lunging at the demon. The demon turned and snarled at Spike, clawing at his face. Spike yelped, and kicked the demon, sending it across the cave. "Will! Get out of the way!" The boy ran and his behind a rock, sobbing in fear.
Spike and the demon battled violently, before Spike finally managed to get the creature in a headlock and rip it's head off.
The demon fell to the floor in a mess of blood.William let out a final sob and started to run.
"Will! Wait!"
Spike followed the boy and grabbed him by the shoulder, maybe a little too roughly. "I'm sorry you had to see that."
"You said you weren't a monster." The boy whimpered.
"No, I said I wouldn't hurt you. But I'm here to fix things, so I'm not a monster anymore."
"You mean get a soul?"
"Yes."
"Why?" The boy sat down, as if Spike was about to tell him a fairytale.
"There's someone I love very much. You haven't met her ye--- You don't know her. In fact, there's two girls. One is like a little sister to me, and one is someone I love a lot."
"She's your soul mate?"
Spike stared at the child. He didn't know what to say. "I like to think so. But she doesn't trust me-"
"-because you're evil." The boy finished. "And you want to make up for all the hurt you've caused?"
"Yes, how did you know?"
Suddenly the child morphed into a girl, no more than William's age. "Because you're gonna make up for killing me."

*

Buffy woke up. "Spike?"
Her body, heart and soul screamed for him. He wasn't there.
She could tell it was morning. She got up, put her jacket and pants back on and left for the Magic Box.
Now she'd have to pretend everything was okay.

*

Spike heaved up cold blood onto the floor again. His entire body was consumed with pain, and as the little girl planted one final kick into his stomach, he started to cry.
Maybe it was over. Maybe he could go now.
Then he looked up, and saw three kids glaring at him, their eyes red. "You sent us to hell. Fuck you." They raised their knives.
Ouch.

*

"Hey Buffy..." Willow smiled gently at her friend. Everyone else greeted her normally.
"Hi." Buffy started for the training room.
"Hey, um, Buffy?" Buffy turned to see Xander staring at her in confusion. "Is that, um, Spike's shirt?"
Everyone turned to look. Buffy nodded. "Yes."
"Well, why are you wearing it?"
Buffy walked over and hauled Xander off his seat. "Because I love him." She hissed, and dropped Xander to the floor, storming into the training room.
Everyone stared after her.
"Whoa." Anya murmered.
"Yeah." Xander rubbed his neck where Buffy had grabbed him. "Was she kidding?"
Willow sighed and went after Buffy.
"Buffy? You okay?"
"Get. Out." Buffy hit the punching bag and sent it flying to the ground.
"Whoa. Buffy, c'mon, talk to me."
Buffy turned and glared at Willow. "Oh, I'm sorry. You wanna tell me how sorry you are? Poor Buffy, always alone. Everyone leaves the freak Slayer. Even that freak Spike. All you ever saw him as was a freak! Or someone who could help you look after Dawn, or bash up demons, or just stand around and protect everyone. You didn't even treat him good! You treated him like SHIT!" Buffy screeched, slapping Willow.
Willow fell down, terrified. Xander, Anya and Tara stared from the doorway. Tara ran to Willow's aid. Anya clung to Xander in fear.
Buffy stared around her. She hung her head in shame. "Will... I'm sorry."
"It's... it's okay." Willow stood and held Buffy as she sobbed. "We'll find him... I promise. It'll all be okay."

*

"Please.... no." Spike whispered as the girl cracked his last rib. She cackled.
"That's how it felt. When you and that girl came and got me, you didn't think of how scared I was. I was with my fiancee, sleeping. You took me and killed me. I begged and begged, silly me. Thought you might have a shred of decency in you."
The girl brought her foot back and drove it into Spike's groin. "Well fuck you."
Spike passed out.

*

Buffy sat silently, watching Willow and Tara prepare the spell. She felt Xander's eyes on her. "What?"
"Nothing." Xander looked away quickly.

Willow stared at the spell one final time. "You sure you're okay with me doing this? Tara?"
Tara looked at her ex. "Yes."
"I know I've done a lot of wrong stuff, and I just want to make sure you're okay with this."
"We need to do this for Buffy. I know you want to help her." Tara smiled genuinely. "It'll be okay. I swear."
"Thanks."
They smiled at each other. Tara finally looked away, blushing. "Buffy? We're ready."

Tara and Willow sat in the circle, amongst candles and a potion. Tara stared into Willow's eyes.
"We seek out the soul of William. We wish to find him. Bring him to us. Show us where he is."
Energy shot through Willow. She winced.
Tara quietly added to the others, "We're channeling his emotions. If we can find him through those, we can find his whereabouts. Okay?"
"Okay." Xander whispered. Buffy closed her eyes.
All Willow could see was black. Nothing else but black. The others watched on for minutes. Black was all the trance had to offer. Finally, she saw a shocking white and Spike's screams echoed loudly through her mind. Willow shrieked and fell from the trance, breathless and terrified.
"What's wrong? Where is he?" Buffy ran to Willow and shook her.
"I... I don't know. All I could see and feel was black."
Tara jumped in. "We might have done the spell wrong."
"You promised me you'd find him!! You promised, and you couldn't! He's dead, isn't he? He's dead and you aren't telling me!" Buffy ran off in tears, ignoring Xander and Tara who called after her.
Willow stared up at the others. "He's either dead, or in a lot of pain and about to die. We need to find him."

*

Buffy stormed into Spike's crypt, furious. "FUCK YOU SPIKE! I DON'T NEED YOU!" She tore into his seat, smashing the legs and destructing the cushions. She grabbed the television and hurled it at the wall, sending sparks flying. She grabbed Spike's tequila, smashed it, along with all the other bottles. She found a pile of books and ripped them apart. She took his knives and axes and stakes and snapped them over her legs.
She took the final knife and stared at the blade, so terribly inviting. It's razor sharp tip glistened, calling to her. Buffy took the blade to her wrist, and started to cut...

*

"Buffy, NO!!" Dawn screamed, as she raced towards her sister.
Buffy was kneeling on the ground, and the blood was pooling around the cut on her wrist. Buffy held the knife to her hand and was just about to cut when Dawn tackled her and grabbed the knife, sobbing frantically.
"Stop! Don't do it!" Buffy fell back in defeat, crying quietly as Dawn ripped part of her shirt off and wrapped it around the wound.
"Why, Buffy? I know you miss him, but why?"
"I don't know." Buffy's voice was choked with fear and anger.
"You love him, don't you? You love him and now he's gone."
"No. I can't love a monster like that. He's evil, and revolting, and cruel and-"
"-He's NOT! He's sweet and kind and loving and you know it!"
Buffy stared into space, then finally looked up at Dawn, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. "I love him. I do."
Dawn embraced Buffy comfortingly. "I know."

*

Spike woke up days later, naked, swallowed by a pool of his own blood and bruised from head to toe. He could barely think from the overwhelming pain coursing through his body. He struggled to open his eyes. Both of them were blackened and his vision was almost gone.
"It's over." William stroked Spike's hair, thick and sticky with blood.
"You... me.... you're me..."
"I know. I waited for you to come back to me." William stared blankly at Spike.
"Oh." Spike wasn't quite sure what the child meant.
"But you survived. You're stronger than I ever was."
"I'm sorry... for what I became."
"I know."
Spike groaned and rolled over.
"You can have what you came for now. It's time."
Spike stared at the blurry vision of his six-year-old self.
The child put his hand on Spike's and guided it to Spike's heart. He held it there and then muttered something Spike couldn't hear.
Suddenly light shone from Spike as if he were on fire. Spike felt strangely soothed -- his body felt relaxed and light. William watched at Spike's wounds disappeared in a golden shimmer.
Suddenly the light exploded throughout Spike as he let out one final scream.
And then he was William.

*

Buffy lay in her own bed, letting Dawn pull the covers over her and kiss her goodnight. "You tell me if you need anything."
She needed Spike.
As soon as Dawn was gone, Buffy started to cry again. She couldn't breathe properly. She couldn't sleep. She needed him so badly it hurt.
There was only one place she felt truly safe. She felt safe in the slightes hope he might return and be with her, holding her and soothing her pain.
She knew he wouldn't be there, but she went anyway. It was the only place she felt okay.

*

Spike put his hand to his chest for the sixth time in the past ten minutes. He was sitting on top of a grave in the cemetary, consumed by a feeling of enlightenment. For the past 100 years his body had been heavy and cold, now it was warm. He listened to his heart beat again. He smiled.
Spike made his way back to his crypt. For the briefest moment he wanted her to be there, but she wouldn't be. He knew it. She'd never speak to him again for leaving her. She'd never even try to understand.
As Spike opened the door, he was greeted by a mess of rubble. His possessions were completely destroyed.
He searched through it. He could smell something strange.
The knife lay there, and he knew instantly who had used it. Spike let out a strangled sob and then realised he wasn't alone.
He turned to see her standing there, her eyes wide and filled with tears.
"Buffy..."
He approached her, not knowing what to expect. Not knowing what to say.
Buffy fell into his arms, sobbing. Spike held her, shocked by her sudden outburst. He stroked her hair soothingly.
"Don't cry, luv."
"You left! How could you?"
Buffy started hitting at his chest weakly. Spike took her fists and pulled her to him, kissing her brow. "I'm sorry. I am. I love you."
"Spike?" Buffy stuck her ear to his chest. "Is that your heart?"
"I think I have a lot to tell you, luv..."

*

"You got a soul?" Buffy was sitting in Spike's lap, now downstairs on his bed. "Why?"
"Because I love you."
"But you loved me for ages before this, why now?"
Spike kissed her gently. "I don't want you seeing me as a monster anymore. I love you and it kills me to have you say that."
Buffy kissed him, still crying. "I love you."
Spike stared at her, smiling slightly. "I love you more." Buffy giggled.
"Not possible..."

THE END