Chapter 10:

*

The next day, Spike approached Harmony carefully. He wanted more than anything to break up with her and get it over and done with, but he knew Harmony wasn't going to be happy about it.

"Hey." He smiled at her. "Can we talk?"

"Sure." Harmony blew a pink bubble with her gum and grinned at him.

"Harmony.. luv.." Spike sighed. "This isn't gonna be easy, alright?"

Harmony's smile faded. "What's wrong?"

Spike knew Harmony wasn't the type to beat around the bush with. "I think we should end things."

Harmony gaped at him, her bubble popping so that gum ran down her chin. "Excuse me?"

Spike chewed on his lower lip. "I just don't think we work any more."

"You big, fat jerk!" Harmony shrieked, kicking him in the shin repetedly. Spike yelped and started hopping around, clutching his leg. He'd seen this coming, but the pain was still a shock. "You asshole!"

"Luv, you're making a scene." Spike mumbled, feeling people watching them.

"I don't fucking care! 7 fucking years and what do I get?"

"Well, what the hell did I get? You cheated on me, you were never there when I really needed you, and you never understood me!" Spike glared at her, all sympathy for Harmony gone in a flash. "You're a nasty bitch!"

"Fuck you, William." Harmony took her gum out of her mouth and stuck it in Spike's hair. "You were never any good as a boyfriend any way."

Spike sighed angrily and turned away from her, trying to block out her screams as he walked down the hall away from her and tried to ignore the crowd of people watching them.

Infuriated he was just walking away from her, Harmony shouted, "Don't think I don't know that this is about Buffy!"

*

Spike went around the back of the school to have a smoke. His coach had forbidden him from smoking, but he was stressed and needed to relieve his cravings before he went to the pool.

"Get here, you faggot!" Angel shouted, coming around the corner close on Xander's heels. He pushed the boy into the wall, punching him in the gut. "That'll teach you to try and run."

Spike stared down at Xander, who met his gaze with tears in his eyes. Angel ignored Spike and kicked Xander in the head.

"Aw, crybaby!" Angel sneered, hauling him up by the collar. He sneered at Xander triumphantly. "Admit you're a faggot. Say it."

Xander felt sick, but started to say the words any way. "I'm a-"

"Back off." Spike growled, pulling Angel back. Xander dropped to the floor, silent tears slipping down his cheeks, blood running from his nose.

"Excuse me?" Angel snapped, glaring at Spike. "Are you sticking up for this fag?"

Xander stared up at Spike, shocked that he had dared to intervene.

Spike could see that Xander expected him to back away any moment, as he had in the past, and gripped Angel's arm harder. "Yeah, I am. You leave him alone."

Angel shoved Spike against the wall. "You're a faggot too, aren't ya? That's why you ditched Harmony."

"Fuck you." Spike spat. He turned to Xander. "Come on, mate."

Spike helped him up and led him away.

"Will you be okay?" Spike asked once they were a safe distance away.

"Yeah. Thanks, man."

"I owe you.. god, all the times I just stood back and watched.."

"I guess you had your reasons." Xander said quietly. "I'd better get home."

"Okay." Spike patted him on the back and headed off towards the pools.

*

It was nearly 9, and after a gruelling swimming session, Spike returned home to found Buffy in his room with a tub of icecream.

"Hey you. You're kind of late." Buffy pointed to the clock on his bedside table.

"So what?" Spike said gruffly, clawing at the pink gum in his hair.

"Did you break up with Harmony?" Buffy asked softly, sitting him down and taking the bits of gum out carefully.

"Mmm."

"Apparently she took it well." Buffy said, giggling. "I got us icecream. You hungry?"

"Yeah." Spike took the spoon, scooping up a portion of the chocolate iceacream and feeding it to Buffy. "Taste good, sweetheart?"

"Yep." Buffy kissed him. "Not as good as you though."

"Tease." Spike whispered, kissing her back passionately. Buffy's hands slid under his shirt, caressing his chest as his lips wandered down her neck. Buffy nudged him away, worrying Spike momentarily, but rather than run off, Buffy removed her blouse.

"Luv.. are you sure?" Spike couldn't take his eyes off her, for all she was wearing were her tiny pyjama shorts and a pink bra.

Buffy responded by reaching forward and stroking his thigh gently. "It sounds like you're the one whose not sure."

She straddled him and continued the kiss, taking Spike's hands and placing them on her breasts. Spike took the hint and unhooked her bra, breaking their embrace to admire her bare beauty. Spike flipped Buffy onto her back and lavished attention on her breasts, kissing them gently and working his way up to her nipples. Buffy cried out as his tongue flicked over the rosy buds, sending rushes of arousal through her. Spike kissed the silky soft valley between her breasts, eliciting more gasps of need from Buffy. She could feel her arousal burning down below, making her underwear damp. Spike was now sealing his mouth over her left nipple, suckling gently at the erect flesh. Buffy cried out, tangling her fingers in his hair, her entire body skyrocketing and she was sure she'd burst into flames. She'd never felt passion like this - never even thought it possible for something so simple to feel so good. Falling back down from her climax, Buffy opened her eyes and stared at Spike. He crushed his lips to hers in their most fiery kiss yet.

When Spike broke away they were both breathless, staring into each other's eyes.

Buffy struggled to find words, still speechless after her orgasm. Spike was the first to speak, simply choking out, "I think the icecream's melting, luv."

Buffy burst out laughing, only silenced when Spike kissed her again.

*


Buffy woke up, immediately panicking when she saw she was alone. She raced downstairs, half naked, calling out to Spike.

"Yeah?" He emerged from the kitchen, pulling on a jacket. "I've got to get to school."

"Can you not go today?" Buffy asked softly, taking his hands in hers.

"Princess, I have to. I think I have a maths test, and I have training."

"Call in sick." Buffy said firmly, leaning up to kiss him.

She pulled away after several minutes, leaving Spike dizzied and out of breath. "Okay."

He went into the kitchen to make the call. Buffy sat down on the stairs, considering what she was about to do. Gingerly touching the bruises on her thighs through her flannel pants, she decided that she did indeed have to get it out of her. The secret was eating away at her - the only possible relief would be confiding in the man she loved.

Spike returned and sat beside her. "Last night was wonderful."

"It really was." Buffy smiled up at him, snuggling further into his embrace. "Spike?"

"Right here, luv." He kissed her softly on the nose.

"Promise me that I can trust you?"

"I promise, luv."

"Okay." Buffy said quietly, staring into space for a moment.

"What's up, sweet pea?"

"You come up with the silliest nicknames." Buffy giggled. "But they're cute as well."

Spike chuckled and pulled her into his lap. "Something you want to tell me?"

Buffy took a deep breath, and looked him straight in the eye, letting him know it was serious. "I want to tell you what really happened to me."

*

 

Chapter 11:

*

Spike followed Buffy upstairs into his bedroom, where she sprawled out on the bed and motioned for him to join her. Spike lay beside her, waiting for Buffy to speak. He could see tears in her eyes and put his hand on hers to comfort her.

"It happened on September 21st." Buffy said quietly, staring up at the ceiling in a mournful way. "Where were you that day?"

Spike thought about this. "Was that a Wednesday?"

Buffy nodded.

"I went home sick."

"So did I." Buffy mumbled sadly, then continued. "I checked your schedule and saw you were training.. so I went to see you after school. You didn't show up right away, so I swam for a while." Buffy took a ragged breath. "You still didn't show."

Spike pulled her into his arms, seeing Buffy was getting more upset with every word she spoke. Once cocooned in his arms, she seemed to calm slightly.

"Anyway.. I got out, and Angel was there. He said you were in the change rooms and I could go see you." Tears began to slip down Buffy's cheeks. "You weren't in there, but Riley and Parker were. They grabbed me and held me down.." Buffy stared up at Spike. His mouth was open in a tiny "o" of horror, and his blue eyes were wide and filled with tears.

Spike struggled to find words. "You mean they..."

"They raped me. All three of them..." Buffy burst into tears, sobs loudly escaping her. Spike hugged her to him, burying his face in her shoulder as he cried too.

"I'm so sorry, luv." Spike whispered, clutching her to him. "God, if I'd known..."

He pulled her shorts up a tiny bit and looked at the bruises. They had faded considerably since the last time he'd seen them, but Spike was horrified none the less.

"I'll never let them hurt you again. I'll never let anyone hurt you again, princess." Spike kissed her softly. "I promise."

Buffy forced a smile.

"You wait here." Spike said, tucking her in under the doona.

"Where are you going?" Buffy asked softly, sitting up so the sheets fell away and exposed her bare breasts.

Spike smiled, silently admiring her body. Then his smile faded, and he frowned. "I'm gonna go teach those fuckers a lesson, alright?"

"You can't, they'll be at school." Buffy said softly, trying to pull him back into bed. Spike resisted, putting his jacket back on.

"I don't care. They're gonna get punished for hurting my girl." He stormed out of the room, slamming every door he went through loudly.

Buffy smiled, touched to think that she was, once again, his girl.

*

Spike waited outside the maths classroom, getting angrier by the second. He could hear Angel and Parker making cocky, sexist remarks every five seconds, unnoticed by their senile teacher. He wondered how many girls they'd done this to - Spike clenched his fists as the bell rang, ready for a fight.

Xander was the first to leave the class, hurrying to escape Parker and Angel who were looking forward to another lunchtime beating. Spike grabbed him and pulled him back. "Wait."

Several girls left the classroom, each leaving with a slap on the ass from Angel. He stepped out the door, his arrogant smirk turning to a cruel leer. "Look, its the fags. Parker, get out here, man!"

Spike's fist smashed into Angel's face, the unexpected blow sending him to the floor. People stopped to stare as Will Blake, famous for being kind and even-tempered, started to bash the crap out of Parker and Angel. Teachers ran forward to stop the fight, stopping as they got closer, frightened to intervene.

"What's going on?" Willow pushed her way through the crowd, watching in horror as Spike and Parker wrestled on the floor.

"I don't know." Xander said quietly. "But it's really cool."

Giles came running down the hallway and shoved several students aside. He dragged Spike away from Angel and Parker by the scruff of his neck, still staring at the boys lying on the floor, bloodied and bruised.

"William, what the hell is the matter with you?!" Giles roared, helping Angel and Parker up. "Go on, report to the nurse. I expect to see you both in my office after school as well." He glared at the crowd of students still watching the commotion. "Get to lunch, all of you!"

*

Spike heard the door slam shut behind him. He turned to face his uncle with a smile. "Hi Uncle Rupert."

"Don't give me that." Giles spat, glaring at Spike. He sat down in his chair and lit a cigarette.

"There's a no smoking policy here." Spike said, still smiling. He was strangely proud of himself - Spike knew there would be consequences for what he'd done, but the most important thing was that he defended Buffy.

Giles slammed his fist down on the desk, startling Spike with his anger. "I've had to send those two off to hospital. You know why? Because Angel has serious concussion, a broken jaw, and a broken arm. And the other one, Parker, has a broken nose, a popped blood vessel in his eye, minor concussion and a broken wrist."

Spike couldn't help but smirk triumphantly. Giles took a deep breath to calm himself. "I can't believe you did this, Will. You're meant to be a star student!"

"I had to do it." Spike said softly, twiddling his thumbs as he spoke. "They deserved it."

"They're your friends!"

Spike's smile turned to a hateful glower. "There is no way that they're my friends."

"You're facing expulsion because of this." Giles said quietly. "For god's sakes, please try and make me understand why you did this."

"They hurt Buffy."

"For fuck's sake!" Giles shouted. "We all heard the rumours about Buffy and Angel sleeping together, it's probably absolute nonsense and no reason for you to worry! It's certainly no reason for you going around bashing up fellow students!"

"You don't understand!" Spike yelled back. "Parker, Angel, and Riley, wherever the fuck he was today, they raped her."

Processing the words slowly, Giles stared at Spike. "Excuse me?"

"They raped her." Spike repeated slowly. "Are you gonna defend them now?"

Giles was silent for several moments. "That can't be true. That's a serious allegation, William. I hope you realise that."

"Why don't you ask Buffy then?" Spike growled, standing up and grabbing his bag.

"Where are you going?" Giles asked. "I'm not done talking to you yet!"

"I'm out of here." Spike snapped and stormed out of the office. He stopped at the door briefly, turning back to face his uncle. "If you won't help Buffy, then you're just as bad as those three wankers. And I don't see why I have to be punished for doing the right thing."

*

Spike went home and found Buffy curled up asleep in his bed. He stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed beside her, waking Buffy the instant he touched her.

"Go back to sleep luv." He said softly. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"What happened?" Buffy sat up, even in her drowsy state knowing something was wrong.

"I think I've just been expelled, luv." Spike smiled sadly.

Buffy wrapped her arms around him, planting a tiny kiss on his cheek. "It'll be okay. I'm sure Giles won't expel you, you're family."

Spike pulled her closer to him. "But I made them pay, Buffy. They'll never hurt my girl again."

*
 

Chapter 12:

*


Spike threw her over his shoulder and jumped into the pool, both of them laughing as they splashed each other. He dunked her under the water, but Buffy kicked him and wriggled away, swimming to the far end. Spike chased her, reaching her just as Buffy got to the ladder.

"Don't try to run." He whispered, pressing her to the wall. Buffy gasped, feeling his erection rubbing against her. She reached down, slipping her hand inside Spike's black speedos, and stroked the hard, velvety length. Spike groaned, and yanked her bikini bottoms.

"I want you." Buffy gasped as Spike's fingers traced over her swollen clit.

"I know." Spike thrust inside her, eliciting another scream from Buffy.

Before her own eyes, Spike morphed into Angel, his blonde hair going brown along with his eyes. Angel gripped her hips with bruising intensity and slammed her up and down on his cock as Buffy's screams of pleasure turned to wails of pure pain. She wrenched away and tried to scramble out of the pool, now filled with blood. Her blood.

Angel's shouts echoed in her mind - "Don't try to run, don't try, don't try, just don't..."

She slipped and fell onto the concrete, sobbing, her entire body shaking from the pain...


... Buffy woke to her mother shaking her. She could feel tears on her cheeks, and a dull throbbing between her thighs that returned after all of her nightmares.

"Buffy, what the hell is the matter?"

Buffy pulled away from her mother and got out of bed. "I'm fine."

"It's four AM and you're screaming the house down!" Joyce stared at her daughter, watching each silent tear slip down Buffy's face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Buffy said and left the room.

"Get back here!" Joyce yelled, running after her daughter. "I want you to tell me what you dreamt about that caused you to scream like that."

"Fuck off!" Buffy shrieked and hurried downstairs, running out the front door into the snow. She could hear her mother calling after her, and the icy touch of the snow stung her bare feet. But Buffy knew the only place she would find comfort at this hour was in the arms of Spike - four AM or otherwise.

Buffy rung the doorbell, wishing Spike would hurry up. Relief came when Buffy heard his feet pounding down the stairs, cursing to himself. Spike swung the door open, ready to mouth off at the early morning caller, when he saw it was Buffy. Tears streaked her cheeks, and she was shivering from the cold, only dressed in her tiny nightgown. Spike bundled her up into his arms and carried her inside.

The fire was still crackling in the corner, and after he'd deposited Buffy on the couch under a thick doona, Spike went to rekindle it.

"What happened?" Spike asked, sitting beside her. Buffy instinctively crawled into his lap, a smile growing on her face when Spike's arms slid around her waist.

"I had a nightmare." Buffy whispered in a childish voice. "Can I stay here?"

"Of course, luv." Spike kissed her softly. "Bloody crazy, you are, running through the snow like that."

Buffy snuggled into him.

"Though you do look bloody sexy in that satin concoction." Spike smirked at her before Buffy devoured his lips in a greedy kiss.

They were interrupted by a loud knocking at the door. Buffy wriggled away from Spike, blushing bright red. "That's probably my mom."

Spike went to the door, plastering a charming smile on his face before he opened it. "Hi Joyce."

"Is Buffy here?" Joyce glared at him, not in the mood to be nice at all.

"Yeah, she's in there." Spike stepped aside as Joyce stormed past him into the living room.

"Buffy, you're coming home." Joyce pointed to the door, signalling for her daughter to get up.

"I want to stay here with Spike." Buffy said defiantly, again in a ridiculously childlike voice.

"Spike doesn't need to be bothered at this hour!" Joyce frowned at Spike, daring him to say otherwise. He remained silent.

"I don't want to go home." Buffy insisted. "I like it here."

Joyce turned to Spike. "Can I speak to you for a moment?" She led him into the kitchen where she thought Buffy couldn't hear them. "If you're okay with her being her, then I am. But if you have any idea what happened to my daughter that made her suicidal, you'd better not be keeping it from me. I will castrate you if I find out that you know something I don't."

Spike backed away from her slightly at this threat and forced a smile. "I really don't know."

Joyce's face fell and she sighed in defeat, half yawning at the same time. "Very well. I'll go."

He was sure Joyce had recognized he was lying. But as soon as he heard the door slam shut, Buffy came running into the kitchen and kissed him. "Thanks for not telling."

Spike wanted to remind Buffy that she would eventually have to tell her mother, and that he wasn't going to let her get away with lying for much longer. But distracted by her kisses, Spike was silent.


*


April 9th, 1996

Buffy stood on tiptoes, trying to reach the last helium balloons that floated up near the ceiling.

"Here you are." Giles lifted her onto his shoulders so she could grasp the yellow balloons.

"Thanks Mr. Willow's Dad." Buffy gave him a near-toothless grin and hurried to Willow, who was helping Joyce tie balloons up around the house.

"Spike's gonna love this!" Willow jumped up and down, clapping her hands. "Is he getting here soon?"

"I said to come around about 10, sweetie." Joyce smiled down at the enthused redhead dancing around the kitchen.

Buffy went upstairs and continued brushing her hair, making sure it never left it's silky perfection. She picked up Spike's present off the end of her bed and rushed downstairs, her heart speeding up when the doorbell rang.

Her face fell when she saw it was Xander waiting.

"Don't be so happy to see me." He said sarcastically, grinning at her. "Check out what I got Spike. Three all new comics."

"Cool! He'll love them." Buffy led him inside. "Spike's gonna be here soon, so everyone hide."

Everyone went to duck behind some item of furniture as the doorbell rung again. Buffy jumped up and down as she pulled the door open. Spike flew at her, his arms tightly wrapping around her. Sobs racked Spike's small body as he cried into Buffy.

Joyce rushed towards him, leaving her hiding spot. She pulled Spike away from Buffy and saw a deep gash on the boy's forehead that was spilling blood down his face.

Everyone slowly stood, staring at Spike as he cried. His hair was matted with blood, and his arms were almost black with bruises. Joyce pulled him into her arms and hugged him.

"Suprise?" Xander said meekly, sharing a worried look with Willow and Buffy.

"I'll take William to the hospital." Giles murmered, taking the boy's hand. "Come on, tiger."

"Can I come?" Buffy asked, tugging on Giles' arm desperately.

"I think it's best you stay here." Joyce said softly, pulling her daughter away from the doorway.

Giles opened the passenger door for Spike, helping him inside. The boy continued to cry despite attempts to calm him, and in a moment Giles saw why. He glanced up at Spike's house - upstairs, Drusilla stared down at the boy, cackling evilly as though proud of inflicting such injuries on an innocent boy. Giles pulled Spike to him and hugged him. "It'll be okay."

Spike yanked away from his uncle. "Everyone says that," he choked in a tiny voice, "But it never is."

*

TBC - please review :-)

Chapter 13:

*

Buffy woke safely wrapped in the warmth of Spike's embrace. Checking the clock on the wall, she saw it was almost 10:30 and realized Spike would be late for school.

Then she remembered he'd been expelled - because of her. Buffy sat up, stirring Spike immediately.

"Are you mad at me?" She asked softly, curling her fingers through his hair.

"Why would I be mad at you, luv?" Spike sat up beside her and kissed her on the cheek.

"For getting you expelled."

"Nah, I'll be fine." Spike said quietly, cuddling her into his arms. "Besides, I'd rather be here with you."

"But what about your training? Wasn't there a competition coming up?" Buffy's stomach turned when she saw the disappointment on Spike's face.

"Yeah, well, probably wouldn't have won anyway."

"That's not true." Buffy straddled him, dropping a light kiss on his forehead. "You're the best swimmer in like.. the whole of America."

Spike burst out laughing. "I'm sure that's not true, sweetheart. But thanks for thinking so."

He rolled her over onto her back and kissed her, hands exploring the curves of Buffy's body. She seemed to be enjoying his gentle touch, but just as Spike's hand reached her thigh, Buffy pulled away.

"Luv, I'm not going to do anything you don't want." Spike said, watching Buffy's state of distress with a deep concern. "Don't you think you might need to talk to someone else about this?"

Buffy shook her head vehemently. "No way."

"But luv-"

"No. The only person I trust is you, so the only person who should know is you. Alright?" Buffy glared at him. "If you tell anyone else, I swear I'll-"

"I won't." Spike interrupted, edging closer to her. He knew that keeping this secret would mean him getting expelled - and he also wondered if he was risking Buffy's wellbeing. She seemed to be getting better once she'd told him, and Spike wondered if telling her mother, or the authorities, would help as well. But he'd also be risking her love if he did tell. Spike sighed in defeat. "I promise, kitten, I won't."

Buffy visibly relaxed and allowed Spike to pull her back into his arms, her troubled thoughts melting away when he kissed her.

*

April 9th, 1995 - continued

Giles slipped inside the hospital room, smiling at Spike. "How do you feel?"

"Fine." Spike said quietly, gingerly touching the bandages on his arm. There were more wrapped around his forehead as well, but it stung too much to touch them there.

"William.." Giles sat down beside the boy. "I know this is hard for you. Your mother is very unstable, and I always thought her quite brave to keep you.. with all the memories. But this isn't right. She can't take her aggressions out on you."

Spike didn't say anything, instead he reached for a comic on the beside table. Giles snatched it away.

"I think we should talk to the police about this. They can help you, and of course, your mother-"

"NO!" Spike yelled, alarmed at the thought of putting his own mother in jail. "You can't! You won't!"

"I realise this is hard for you to consider, but she's hurt you seriously!" Giles patted the boy on the back. "Please, understand it's for the best."

"No! She didn't do this, I did!"

Giles sighed angrily as Spike launched into a speech about falling down the stairs. It wasn't the first time the child had tried to lie in his mother's defence - the stories ranged from hitting his head in the shower, to more elaborate ones concerning a rabid dog in the neighbourhood. But Giles knew there was only one bitch hurting Spike.

"William." Giles said simply, frowning at his nephew. "Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's the truth." Spike said firmly. "You can't put my mom in jail for my stupid accidents!"

Giles stared at the boy, studying for a very long time. Spike was again ready to cry, his blue eyes wide with fear. It was quite possible the lies he was telling right now were things Drusilla had convinced him of - it was his fault, and nobody else's. Gileswondered what he was scared of - his mother herself, or losing one of the only people he had left in the world.


*
Present Day

"Okay.. I have no food." Spike said, staring into the fridge. "I'd better go out and get something. Can't let my sweetheart get hungry."

Buffy smiled at him lovingly. "Get me chocolate?"

"Okay." Spike put his jacket on and grabbed his keys. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay." Buffy switched on the TV, flicking through the channels. Eventually the minimal amounts of programs got boring, so she went upstairs and ran herself a hot bubble bath.

She was just relaxing when the doorbell rang. She dried herself quickly and dressed in one of Spike's shirts, running downstairs to greet him, assuming he'd forgotten his house keys.

"Well, well, well." Riley stared down at her. "If it isn't Little Miss Slut."

Buffy was about to slam the door, but Riley had already barged into the house. "Where's Will?"

"He's upstairs sleeping." Buffy lied, not wanting to admit she was alone. But when a smirk grew on Riley's face, she realised what she must have implied.

"Well, the slut has now slept with all the popular guys. Except, Will's not so popular anymore. He beat the crap out of my friends, so I'm here to return the favour."

"I think you should leave." Buffy said in a wobbly voice.

"Is Will really up there? I don't think he is." Riley grabbed Buffy and pulled her to him. "Lying, dirty bitch."

Buffy was about to scream when the door swung open.

"Buffy?" Her mother smiled at her. "I just came to see if you and Spike wanted lunch. Oh, Riley!"

"Hi, Mrs. Summers!" Riley turned to her with an affectionate grin. "It's good to see you again!"

Buffy felt like throwing up - she wasn't sure if it was out of the fear curdling inside her, or Riley's sickeningly sweet act.

"Oh, well, why don't you join us for lunch?" Joyce put her hand on Riley's arm, about to lead him into the kitchen. She turned to Buffy. "Where's Spike?"

She looked Buffy up and down suspiciously - her hair was mussed, her cheeks were flushed, and all she was wearing was Spike's shirt. "Buffy? Where is Spike?"

"He's gone out to the shops." Buffy said quietly. Riley turned and leered at her again, unnoticed by Joyce who had always adored Riley.

"Riley, don't you have school?" Joyce frowned at him. "I'll drive you back there."

"Oh, okay." He agreed reluctantly. "Thanks, Mrs. Summers."

"That's okay, sweetie. Buffy, why don't you go get dressed?" Joyce raised her eyebrows at Buffy, as if to say, 'We'll talk later.'

Buffy sat down on the couch once they'd gone, stiff with shock.
She heard Spike's car pull up in the driveway and wiped the tears that were speckled on her face away.

"Hey princess!" Spike stopped to stare at her, putting the groceries down on the foot of the stairs. He rushed over. "What's wrong?"

Buffy let out a long wail of anguish and flew into his arms.

"What happened?" Spike demanded, sitting her down on the couch.

"Riley was here." She screamed at him hysterically.

"Don't yell at me." Spike snapped. His anger only upset Buffy more and Spike softened. "Come on, princess. Let's get you upstairs to rest, eh?"

Buffy mumbled something that sounded like 'yes', so Spike bundled her up into his arms and carried her upstairs.

He lay her down among the rumpled sheet and tucked her in. "Look at me."

Buffy obliged, turning her head to face him. "Mmm?"

"This isn't about me anymore, Buffy. This is about you and how this has got to stop. I'm telling you now, you're going to a psychiatrist." Spike put his hand to her lips to stop her from speaking. "This is eating you alive. I'm going to find the best damn shrink I can and get you proper help."

Buffy turned away from him, staring into space.

"I just want to help, sweetheart. It's beyond my reach now."

He kissed her on the cheek and left her to sleep. Spike wasn't sure she would sleep - once he was downstairs he heard her start to cry again. It was eating her alive.. and Spike's pain was no less. He hated seeing her like this more than anything.

Spike picked up his address book and searched for the right number. He dialled the office number, and after several rings, Tara picked up.

"Hey, Tara, can you do me a favour?"

"Sure. What is it?" Tara smiled at the sound of Spike's voice - he was her favourite patient by far, but more of a friend than a client.

"You know Buffy?"

"The girl you keep mentioning."

"Only for the past seven years, sweetheart." Spike chuckled. "She needs your help."

*

 

Chapter 14:

*

Buffy stared around the office, thinking it almost looked too cosy for a psychiatrist. There were two plush yellow sofas, with a fire crackling in the corner, no desk, and many shelves with books and plaques.

"Where do I sit?" Buffy asked Spike coldly, placing her hands on his and prying them off her hips.

Spike replaced his hands around her waist, nibbling at the back of her neck. "Anywhere, sweetheart. I'm sure Tara won't mind."

Buffy walked stiffly across the room and sat on one of the sofas. "You can go now. By the way, I hate you."

"I know you're mad, luv." Spike sat beside her. "But you don't hate me."

"Well, maybe I don't like to be forced into things." Buffy hissed, glaring at him.

Spike wouldn't let this get to him, and kissed her on the cheek. "Tara isn't like any of the shrinks your mom would have gotten you. She's different."

"Hey Spike. And you must be Buffy." Tara entered the room and ran to give Spike a hug.

They looked so cosy Buffy's heart ached. "So you're in love with her too. Sleaze." She mumbled bitterly, narrowing her eyes at Tara.

Spike and Tara both laughed. "You tell her." Spike chuckled.

Tara smiled politely. "Buffy, I'm gay."

Buffy went bright red. "Oh."

"I'll see you in an hour, princess." Spike kissed her softly, then whispered, "You're the only girl for me."

Buffy smiled and kissed him back. Spike grinned at her and left.

"Okay, Buffy." Tara sat down on the other couch. "How are you?"

Buffy rolled her eyes and held out her wrists. "Does that answer your question?"

Reaching out with a curious smile, Tara held Buffy's hands and studied the wounds. "You really wanted to hurt yourself."

"Duh." Buffy mumbled and snatched her hands away.

"Tell me about yourself." Tara said softly, never taking her eyes off Buffy once. Ordinarily Buffy's skin would have crawled from being stared at, but Tara's gaze was caring, and slightly soothing.

Buffy relaxed a little. "What do you already know?"

"Well.. I've read you're medical reports, and Spike's told me some stuff." Tara laughed lightheartedly. "And I've got to say, Spike's words were a little more encouraging."

Buffy smiled. "What did he say?"

"He's been talking about you since he was 10, Buffy. It's hard to sum it all up in one go."

Buffy blushed again. "He never mentioned you."

"Spike was a bit ashamed about coming to a psychiatrist at such an early age." Tara said softly. "He was always a lovely boy though."

"How long has he known that you're.. you know. Gay."

"Since the beginning." Tara replied, sipping her tea. "I hear you have a friend who's gay. Are you this nervous around her too?"

"He told you too?" Buffy cried angrily, standing up.

"He tells me everything." Tara pointed to the couch, signalling for Buffy to sit down. Buffy obeyed.

"Did he tell you about.. you know. What happened to me." Buffy looked away, afraid Tara would see the tears in her eyes.

"Spike told me there was an 'incident'. He and I both believe it's up to you to tell me." Tara smiled. "You can come here to talk about that, or you can come here to just talk. The main thing is, I'm a person who can be here for you."

"No matter what?" Buffy asked in a feeble voice.

"No matter what." Tara amended with another warm smile.

*

January 11th, 1999

Giles knelt down in front of Spike. "If you're still unsure, we don't have to do this."

"I want to." Spike said somberly.

"Tara will see you now." The receptionist announced.

"You ready, tiger?" Giles patted the boy on the head.

"Sure." Spike followed the receptionist into the office.

Giles watched as he went, proud of his nephew for being so bold. Spike himself had suggested he talk to someone about what was going on in his life, but had only confirmed that he wanted this after his falling out with Buffy. Giles was trying to get Willow to remain Spike's friend, but he suspected Xander and Buffy had insisted upon icing Spike out, and knowing his daughter, she would follow whatever they did.

"Spike?" Giles called out, suprising himself and Spike by using the unusual nickname.

"Yeah?"

Giles smiled encouragingly. "Good luck, tiger. I know you'll do great."

*

Present Day

"How was the psychiatrist?" Joyce asked with a smile, sitting beside Buffy.

"Good."

"What are you reading?"

"Vogue."

"Okay." Joyce wriggled further onto the bed next to her daughter. "Want a cookie?"

"Sure." Buffy smiled and reached for a cookie, but Joyce snatched the plate away.

"I'll give you a cookie, if you talk to me."

The cookies were very tempting, fresh out of the oven and still steaming. Buffy's mouth was watering from the delicious aroma of chocolate. "Okay."

"Tell me what the first thing is that went wrong." Joyce put her arm around Buffy, glancing down at the catwalk models on the glossy pages. "That's a nice dress."

Buffy smiled. "Yeah. You can buy it for me if you like."

They both laughed, relaxing slightly. Buffy took a deep breath. "The first thing that went wrong was when Spike left me."

Joyce listened intently as Buffy described how much it hurt to lose him, and then have to cope with seeing him everyday, and realize he was quite happy without her. Joyce was suprised Buffy hadn't seen through Spike's act - he may have become popular and successful over the years he and Buffy were apart, but Joyce knew he was far from happy. Buffy went on to talk about her grades, her looks, and concerns about losing Spike again.

"Mom? Are you even listening?" Buffy asked tearfully, gazing at her mother.

"Yes, sweetie, of course I am!" Joyce threw her arms around Buffy and hugged her. When she pulled away, she smiled. "I think that definetly deserves a cookie."

"Thanks." Buffy helped herself to three chocolate chip cookies in a row.

"Is that all?" Joyce whispered, suspecting there was more.

"Yes." Buffy said firmly. They both knew there was more, but Buffy seemed insistent that she had said all she was going to say for the night.

"Okay." Joyce kissed her on the cheek.

"Can I go to Spike's for the night?" Buffy asked, leaning over the side of her bed to get her shoes.

Joyce frowned at her daughter. "Are you sleeping with him?"

"Yes." Buffy said casually, then covered her mouth, her cheeks burning again. "I mean, we sleep together, but not in a sex way."

"So you're telling me that you two sleep in the same bed but nothing more?" Joyce raised one eyebrow at Buffy, still suspicious.

"Yeah. We're taking it slow, stop fussing." Buffy put on the leather jacket that was draped over her armchair.

Joyce noticed the jacket was considerably large on Buffy's tiny frame. "Is that Spike's?"

"Yep." Buffy grinned and danced downstairs and out the door.

*

"Hey baby." Buffy kissed Spike when he opened the door. "What's up?"

"I'm just a bit busy right now. But come in, sweetheart." Spike led her inside.

"Hey Giles!" Buffy smiled at him, then turned back to Spike. "Are you talking about.. you know?"

"Yeah." Spike sat down on the couch, facing his uncle. "So I'll just be suspended?"

"For the next two weeks."

"Score." Buffy said brightly, sitting on Spike's lap.

They both looked at her curiously.

"Well, if he spends the next two weeks off, then it's only another week until the Christmas holidays." She explained.

"If only you could apply that quick thinking to actual maths." Giles said with a smile.

"How are the wankers?" Spike asked with a frown, feeling Buffy tense instantly. He pulled her closer and kissed her neck softly to soothe her.

"They have names, William." Giles glanced at Buffy and noticed she'd gone ashen. "Buffy? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Buffy said breathlessly and reached for Spike's cup of coffee. She sipped it slowly, trying to make her head stop spinning.

"Is it true?" Giles asked softly, looking at Buffy worriedly.

"Is what true?" Buffy jumped off Spike's lap and glared accusingly at him.

"Spike has told me-"

"You jerk!" Buffy screamed. "You promised!"

"I know, princess. I know." Spike tried to pull her back into his arms despite the fact Buffy was lashing out in attempts to hit him. "But I had to tell him, or it wouldn't have made any sense, me just attacking them."

"You promised." Buffy said again softly.

"I'm sorry." Spike kissed her on the forehead and held her to him. "I really am, luv."

Giles watched the two, their display of love touching him. He stood and pulled Buffy away from Spike to look at her properly. "Buffy, if these boys did do this to you... then you have to tell me."

Buffy stared at the floor.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of. This isn't your fault. They'll go to jail for what they've done, alright? I hope you can trust me like you have Spike."

Buffy buried her face in Spike's shoulder. He could feel her tears soaking through his shirt and tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

"I'll see you two later." Giles patted Spike on the back and went to the door. "Oh, and William? You're permitted to use the pool facilities after school to prepare for the competition."

Spike grinned at his uncle. "Thanks mate."

Buffy stared up at him when Giles had gone and smiled. "I'll be there cheering you on."

"Thanks." Spike kissed her.

"No, Spike." Buffy kissed him passionately. "Thank you."

"For?"

"For finally making me realise I'm not alone."

*
 

Chapter 15:

*

"I can't believe the sodding movies you chose, Summers." Spike frowned at her as they left the video store. "Bloody chick flicks they are. Xander won't be happy."

"Xander can shove it. They're good movies!" Buffy snuggled further into him as they trudged through the snow back to Spike's car.

"Wait, I just have to find my keys." He muttered, searching his pockets. "Where the bugger are they?"

Buffy turned away to look in the shop windows while Spike continued cursing to himself.

"Aha! Come on, princess." Spike looked around for Buffy. "Princess?"

He saw her standing far up the street, staring at something in a shop window. Spike deposited the movies into the car and jogged over to get her. "Trying to give me a heart attack, just disappearing like that?"

"Sorry, baby." Buffy said softly, still gazing at the kittens inside the shop. "Aren't they cute?"

Spike watched as she smiled at the tiny kittens, tapping the glass to amuse them. "Which one do you want?"

Buffy turned to him, her eyes wide. "Really? For me?"

"Mmm." Spike led her inside the shop.

"The black one.. no, the ginger one! Or the tabby..." Buffy pouted. "They're all so cute. You choose."

Spike went to the counter with a small smile on his face. "I'll take the black one, the ginger one, and the tiny tabby."

The shop assistant went to retrieve the kittens. Buffy let out a scream of joy and threw her arms around Spike's neck to kiss him. "I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart." Spike watched as the kittens were put into a cage and handed the assistant the money. "Thanks."

Buffy danced all the way to the car, giggling crazily. "Hurry up, they don't like it in that horrible cage."

Spike put the kittens in the back seat then went around to his door. Buffy leaned across from her side and kissed him. "I love you."

She rested her head on his shoulder for the rest of the ride home.

*

Spike opened the door and frowned down at the blonde visitor. "Who are you?"

"Is Buffy here? Her sister said she would be." Anya bowled past him and ran to Buffy, who was sitting on the couch among her kittens. "How are you sweetie?"

"I'm good. Spike, this is Anya. She was a nurse at the hospital."

"Who are these little furry critters?" Anya picked one up by the scruff of his neck.

"That's Mickey." Buffy picked up the ginger one. "This is Ginger." She motioned for Spike to come closer and plucked the last cat off his shoulder. "And this is Tabitha."
The doorbell rung, and Spike went to get it as Anya and Buffy "oohed" and "aahed" over the kittens.



"Hey man." Xander frowned. "Why have you got a kitten on your head?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Don't bloody well ask."

Xander handed Spike his coat and went inside. "Can I have a --- oh my god."

"What?" Spike put Xander's coat in the closet by the door.

"Who is she?" Xander was gaping at Anya.

"Shut your mouth, you're practically drooling." Spike went into the kitchen to get drinks, signalling for Xander to follow. "She's Anya, a nurse Buffy became friends with at the hospital."

"What's she like?" Xander asked with a dazed smile on his face.

"She's a bit forward." Spike handed Xander his drink.

"But she's gorgeous." Xander sighed dreamily. The doorbell rang and Spike went to get it, hoping Xander wasn't going to make a huge fool of himself around Anya.

"Hey Spike." Willow gave him a funny look. "Why is there a kitten on you?"

Spike glanced down and saw that Ginger was dangling from his belt. "Never mind." He grumbled and led Willow inside.

"Let's start the movies!" Buffy clapped her hands happily.

"What are we watching?" Xander asked, eyes still trained on Anya. She smiled back uneasily, wishing to herself he'd stop staring.

"Bloody pansy movies." Spike sat beside Buffy, pulling her into his lap a moment later.

"Are you kidding, I love this movie!" Xander grabbed 'Legally Blonde' and grinned. "It's the best!"

Spike was about to laugh when he realised Xander was being serious. "Right then." Spike coughed, muttering "Pansy" under his breath. Buffy punched him playfully and nodded to Xander to put the movie on.

*

An hour later, Spike could feel Buffy rubbing against him in a way he could only describe as amazing. He was sure she could feel his erection pressed against her, but as he got harder, her motions only became stronger.

"Buffy, let's go get more popcorn." He said hurriedly and dragged her into the kitchen.

She smiled at him innocently. "Let's get popping then."

"What are you doing?" He glared at her. "Are you crazy?"

"Crazy for you." Buffy murmered, sitting on the kitchen bench.

"You're gonna make me.." He cut himself off and went to the sink, splashing his face with cold water.

"Gonna make you come?" Buffy whispered in his ear, making him jump. She coiled her arms around his waist, her fingers slipping under the waistband of his jeans. "That was my plan."

Spike pulled away just as her fingers were touching his cock. "Don't, luv. This isn't the right time."

Buffy pressed her lips to his in a demanding kiss. "Then you touch me." She guided his hand down to her crotch. "I want you, Spike."

"Stop it." He snapped, snatching his hand away.

Buffy looked absolutely wounded. "You don't want me?"

Spike took her hand and held it to his raging erection for a brief moment. "Of course I do. But it's not right to do this now.. we should be alone, alright?"

Buffy nodded and went to the microwave to prepare the popcorn. Seconds later Spike had his arms around her waist and she could feel his lips fluttering over her neck and shoulders in tiny kisses. "I love you so much, princess."

"Mmm." Buffy stepped away from the microwave as it cooked the popcorn and threw herself at Spike, ravishing his face with millons of kisses. "Love you too."

*

Anya felt Xander's eyes on her again and threw a small smile at him, hoping this would satisfy him so he might leave her alone. Instead it encouraged him all the more, for Xander grinned cheesily at her, still staring at her.

"I'm going to get more drinks." Anya announced. "Xander, why don't you help me?"

Xander shot out of his seat and raced into the kitchen. Anya sighed. "Okay then."

Buffy gave her an apologetic smile. "Sorry about him."

"Yeah." Spike nodded, turning his attention away from Buffy for a moment.

"Spike, you have a kitten in your hair." Anya muttered and made way for the kitchen.

"You want cola or lemonade?" Xander asked, showing her to the fridge. "Or you could have orange juice.. or coffee.. anything you want, I'll get it. I make a great cappucino, I think Spike has a machine.. yeah, it's over here. You like cappucinos? I do."

"You didn't stop to breathe for that entire sentence." Anya frowned at him. "Why not just ask for my number?"

"Okay. What's your number?" Xander asked softly. Anya reached for a pen that was lying on the counter, then took Xander's hand and scrawled it down on his palm.

"You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen." Xander said breathlessly.

"Really?" Anya smiled at him. "I'm a lot older than you."

Xander leant in closer, staring at her full, red lips. "How much older?"

Anya pressed her body to his, whispering in his ear, "Nearly 23."

"That's not much." Xander said and kissed her passionately.

*

"I can't believe we had to watch all those sodding girly movies." Spike grumbled once everyone was gone.

"Were those girls prettier than me?" Buffy asked softly as he carried her upstairs.

"They weren't a millionth as pretty as you." Spike laid her down on his bed and kissed her.

Buffy started giggling uncontrollably.

"What?" Spike glared at her.

"You have a kitten in your shirt-pocket." Buffy removed Tabitha. "We should set up a bed for them."

"Mmm." Spike went to his closet and got out a shoe box. "In here?"

"Too small!" Buffy exclaimed as though it was a scandal.

Spike retrieved a larger box, emptying the contents onto the floor. "Chuck me that pillow next to you."

Buffy handed him the pillow and Spike put it into the box. "Now we just find the little buggers."

"They're all up here." Buffy reached under his bed and got Ginger and Mickey. "Here you go, cutie pies."

Spike and Buffy watched as the three kittens biffed each other gently, rolling around in their new bed.

"What's all this?" Buffy asked, noticing the photo albums scattered on the floor. "Ooh! That's me!"

She crawled into Spike's lap so he could look at the photos too. There were hundreds of photos taken at birthdays, holidays, in the treehouse, at school, and many other locations in Sunnydale.

"God, I was chubby!" Buffy cried.

"You were not." Spike flipped to the next page as Buffy pulled at the non-existant flab on her stomach. Spike noticed and slapped her playfully. "Quit it, Summers. You're skin and bone."

Buffy sighed happily. "Remember when Giles and my mom took us to New York for New Years?"

"And we got lost in Bloomingdales while your mom was trying shoes on." Spike started laughing.

"That was so your fault, dragging me off to look at boy stuff."

"You're the stupid chit that decided to play hide and seek in the change rooms!"

They burst out laughing to the point where they were nearly crying.

"That was the best New Year's ever." Buffy kissed Spike on the cheek. "My mom was ready to kill us, but it was so much fun."

"She's the one who ditched us to try on shoes." Spike pointed out distantly, staring at Buffy lovingly. He swept her up into his arms and threw her on the bed. Buffy landed among the many cushions, giggling crazily as Spike mounted her body and kissed her. "Love you."

Buffy yawned and rolled over. "Kissing make Buffy sleepy. Kissing wait til morning."

"Okay, sweetheart." Spike wrapped his arms around her and held her as she fell asleep.

Spike was half asleep when he felt sharp claws dig into his chest and he yelped loudly, so startled he fell off the bed.

Mickey stared back at him with mischeivous green eyes.

"Bloody kittens."

*
 

Chapter 16:

*

"How are you feeling today?" Tara handed Buffy her hot chocolate with a smile.

"I'm okay." Buffy grinned. "Spike and I got pet kittens."

"I know, he told me. He came to the office with one in his coat pocket."

Buffy giggled and took a sip of her hot chocolate. "I think he's their favourite."

"He's definetly a cat person." Tara's smile faded. "Well, he was once. Did her ever tell you about Lizzy?"

"Lizzy?" Buffy's brow crumpled in confusion.

"Maybe you should ask Spike and not me." She said softly. "How are things with Spike? I'd be interested to hear your side of it."

"Things are... wonderful. He's wonderful." Buffy blushed. "It's good to have him back again."

"If it's alright for me to say.. I think you always had Spike. He never loved Harmony like he loved you, Buffy. For the past seven years he's come to see me two days a week, and until he got comfortable talking about his mother, all he spoke of was you."

*

May 2000

"I saw Buffy again today." Spike said quietly, staring at the floor.

"How was she?" Tara asked, staring at the bruises on Spike's face.

"We didn't talk."

"Why not?"

Spike fought back tears. "I don't know."

"Okay." Tara smiled at him. "Hey, where'd you get those bruises?"

Spike glared at her. "Nowhere."

"Why can't you tell me?" Tara frowned at him. "Did a school friend hurt you?"

"No." The lump in Spike's throat was growing bigger by the second.

"Did you hurt yourself?"

"No."

Tara sighed and stood, moving over to sit beside Spike. "Did your mother do this to you?"

Spike stared at her, trying to find words to deny that his mother had done any such thing. But he couldn't lie to Tara. He burst into tears. Tara put her arms around him as he sobbed, clinging to her helplessly.

"She's killing... Spike muttered, but cut himself off before he said anything worse. He buried his face in his hands.

"Who?" Tara ran her hands through his hair, trying to soothe him.

"Nothing." Spike said quickly.

"Maybe you mean.. she's killing you?"

Spike stared at Tara, his blue eyes pleading with her. "Yeah."

"We can talk to the police, Spike. We can help you."

"I told you, no." Spike stood up and went to get his school bag.

"We still have half an hour."

"I don't care." He stormed out of her office without looking back.

*

Present Day

"Sorry I'm late, sweetheart, I went to the pool." Spike kissed her on the cheek. "What's up?"

"Just looking at photo albums again." Buffy flicked to the next page.

"I'm going to take a shower, alright?" Spike took his jacket off, and was halfway out the door when Buffy said,

"Who was Lizzy?"

Spike froze. After several moments, he turned and stared at her. "What?"

"I went to see Tara and she asked if you'd ever mentioned Lizzy to me." Buffy sat up and studied Spike. He'd gone pale and looked tense. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Spike shook his head as if to clear it. "She was nobody. Doesn't matter."

"Well, it does. You're upset about it." Buffy went to his side and put her arms around his neck. "Who was she?"

"No-one." Spike snapped and pushed Buffy away, storming into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him, slumping against it, trying to block out the awful memories as Buffy banged on the door.

"Was she another girl?"

"Fuck off, Buffy. It doesn't matter!"

Buffy was stung by the harsh nature of his words and backed away from the door. But she wouldn't be defeated, and whispered, "Spike, just tell me."

After several long moments of silence, Buffy heard the lock click open and Spike was staring back at her with tears in his eyes. "She was my cat, okay?"

*

May 2000 - that same afternoon

Spike returned home with a horrible headache, his limbs throbbing, exhausted after swimming all afternoon. He threw his bag down and went upstairs, hoping to avoid his mother at all costs.

He opened his bedroom door and, like a sledgehammer to his gut, he instantly knew something was wrong. There was a foul smell in the room, and dots of red on the floor. Spike spun around and noticed that someone had picked the lock.

"Lizzy?" He asked weakly, his voice wobbling.

"Pretty kitty, pretty kitty," Dru sung, dancing past his door in a drunken state. "Pretty kitty down the well.."

Spike stared at the blood staining his mother's dress and felt sick. He raced into her room and saw blood was staining the carpet, leading to the bathroom. Spike ran into the bathroom, despite all his instincts screaming at him not to. He pulled back the shower curtain, and saw the bath was full of cold water, stained pink.

Lizzy had sunken to the bottom, blood still seeping from the gashes covering her body. Spike let out a tortured scream, horrified by the sight.

"Pretty kitty." Dru giggled, putting her hands around Spike's neck. "Naughty boy."

Spike didn't resist as his mother started choking him, shutting his eyes only to avoid looking at Lizzy. Eventually Dru's weak hands left his neck, and Spike heard her body hit the floor as she passed out. He opened his eyes, letting the tears fall freely, and took one last look at Lizzy before he ran.

*

Present Day

Buffy held Spike in her arms as he cried, sobbing out all the pain. It was nearly every night he had tortured dreams of Lizzy, his mother's chants still echoing in his mind.

"It's okay, baby." Buffy whispered, kissing him softly. "It'll be okay. She's gone now."

He could feel her lips on his neck, and her body hot against his. Spike had never needed her more than now, and roughly pulled Buffy to him and kissed her, ravaging her lips with his kisses. He pushed her onto her back, hands exploring her body's curves again, but this time with force. Buffy cried out, terrified by his violent approach.

She shoved him back, gingerly touching her bruised lips. Spike stared back at her, horrified with himself. "Oh, god, luv, I'm sorry."

Buffy grabbed her jacket from the floor and ran from the room.

*

Sleep wasn't coming to Buffy easily. She found that without Spike's arms wrapped snugly around her, she was distracted easily and restless.

She couldn't believe the way he'd acted before, especially when he knew what she'd been through. Mickey crawled over her chest and gazed up at her with big green eyes, clawing at her skin affectionately.

"You miss daddy, huh?" Buffy smiled. "I do too. But we're mad at daddy for being a big, arrogant, sleazy jerk right now, okay?"

Ginger biffed her ear gently, staring at her with huge, pleading eyes.

"You wanna go see daddy?" Buffy picked the two kittens up, and searched under the sheets for Tabitha. "Well, majority rules."

Buffy put Spike's duster on and slipped the kittens into the pockets. "If he asks, you guys ganged up on me."

*

Spike woke, feeling Buffy's body pressed against his. She was spooning up against him, and their three tiny kittens were crawling around his bed, sleepy, and tripping over their own feet.

"Buffy?"

"Mmmm." Buffy purred, snuggling into him.

"I'm sorry about before, sweetheart. I really am." Spike kissed her on the cheek. "Are we okay?"

"I guess." Buffy felt Spike watching her and reluctantly opened her eyes to meet his gaze. "What?"

"I hate myself for what happened before, luv. I just.. I was upset. And you were there..." Spike smiled, "Looking damn beautiful as usual."

Buffy couldn't help but smile at this remark. "It's okay."

Spike pressed his lips to her brow gently. "Sweet dreams, luv."

"You too."

Spike wrapped his arms around her and they drifted off to sleep, moonlight washing over them as they lay entwined among their kittens.

But even in Spike's arms, Buffy's thoughts were still decidedly dark and troubled.
*

 

Chapter 17:

*

Spike woke with Buffy still wrapped in his arms, but she was awake, playing with Mickey and Tabitha. Ginger was curled over his shoulder, purring as she slept.

"Morning sweetheart." Spike kissed the nape of her neck softly.

"Hi." Buffy said uneasily.

"Can we talk about last night?" Spike took the kittens away from her and placed the dizzy little creatures on the floor.

"We talked about it though." Buffy mumbled, moving to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Not properly." Spike sat beside her and waited for her to move into his lap as she normally did. Buffy glanced at him nervously, knowing what he wanted her to do, but couldn't move.

"Princess.." Spike pressed his lips to her temple gently. "I'm sorry. I know that I could say that millions of times and it wouldn't change what I did, but I just got confused. I was upset and angry.. and I wanted you. It's not a good combination, I know."

Buffy stared at the floor, shuffling her feet. Ginger popped out from under the bed and biffed at her foot as though it were a mouse, and Buffy plucked the orange kitten up and cuddled her.

Spike could feel one of the other kittens, crawling up and down his back, digging their tiny claws into his skin. "Ouch!"

Buffy watched as Mickey dangled from Spike's back. "They don't know how to retract their claws yet." She gently pulled him off Spike and deposited the black furball on the bedside table.

"Can you forgive me?" Spike asked softly, picking Mickey up again. He made the kitten jab Buffy gently on the nose, smiling at her hopefully.

"You're exploting innocent kittens to get my forgiveness." Buffy shook her head at him. "That's really lame, Spike."

"Did it work?" Spike tucked a lock of her blonde hair away behind her ear.

"Kind of." Buffy moved into his lap and kissed him. "Okay, definetly."

*

"How are things with Spike?" Willow asked, stepping out of the change rooms to show Buffy how the dress looked.

"They're good." Buffy grinned. "That dress looks really pretty on you."

"Thanks." Willow checked the price tag. "Whoa. I think I'd have to take out a loan on this one."

Buffy's eyes went wide when she saw the price. "Yeah."

"Oh well." Willow went to change back into her clothes, handing Buffy the dress over the door to put away. "I met someone."

"You did?" Buffy picked up a pair of earrings, admiring the jewels.

"You should get those." Willow noted before continuing. "Well, her name's Kennedy. She's really pretty.. and sweet.."

"But?" Buffy went to the counter to purchase the earrings.

"But she's.. I don't know. I think she's a little uneasy about coming out to her mom and dad. I'd rather be with someone who's comfortable with themselves."

Buffy nodded and took Willow's arm as they left the store. "You'll find someone."


"You want to go get lunch?"

"Ooh, can we go in the athletics store first?" Buffy grinned at Willow's puzzled expression. "It's nearly Christmas, and I thought I'd get Spike some new swimmers."

"They're way expensive." Willow warned.

"Nah, I've been saving, and my Mom gave me some money."
Buffy dragged Willow inside to the men's section.

"What about these?"

"Speedos?" Willow made a face. "Does he really wear them?"

Buffy nodded with a silly smile on her face. "He looks damn yummy too."

"Buffy!" Willow slapped her on the arm.

"Buffy, hi!"

Buffy turned around and saw Tara approaching them.

"Hi!" They hugged quickly. "This is my friend Willow."

"Hi." Tara smiled at the girl, suddenly feeling shy. "I'm Tara."

"
Nice to meet you." Willow smiled back, her cheeks burning. "Spike and my dad talk about you a lot."

"What are you doing here?" Buffy asked.

"Getting Spike a Christmas present." Tara bit her lip. "You had the same idea, huh?"

"Sort of." Buffy laughed. "Don't worry, this stuff is way too pricey. I'll find something else."

"Do you want to have lunch with us?" Willow blurted out, her cheeks going redder.

"Okay." Tara smiled at Willow. "I'll just go pay for this stuff."

"Why don't we meet at Elle's Cafe?" Buffy suggested. "We'll get a table before it gets too crowded."

She led Willow out of the shop, towards the cafe. "Do you like her?"

"No! She's too old.. but she's very pretty." Willow was almost turning purple. "Okay, maybe I do like her."

Buffy grinned. "She is really nice, Wills."

"How old is she though?"

"Thirty-something?" Buffy guessed, watching as Willow's face fell. "I'm sure age doesn't matter when you're in lo-ove!"

"Stop teasing!" Willow frowned at Buffy. "I only just met her."

"I think she liked you too." Buffy said softly as they sat down. But Willow wasn't listening - she was grinning madly at Tara over Buffy's shoulder as the older woman approached, a similar smile brightening her face.

"Yep. It's love." Buffy muttered, and signalled for the waitress to come and take their orders.

*

June 2000

"Willow, I know that you've had a falling out with Spike." Giles knelt down in front of his daughter. "But Spike's going through a hard time right now and he's coming to stay with us, okay?"

"That's okay." Willow went back to doing her science homework.

"Spike, come and have dinner!" Giles called out. His nephew had spent the entire day in his room listening to loud music, possibly so that nobody could hear him crying. Spike wandered into the kitchen with red circles under his eyes, confirming Giles' worries.

"We're having lasagna." Willow smiled at Spike. "You can sit here."

He sat beside Willow nervously. "How are you?"

"I'm good. You?"

Spike raised his eyebrows at Willow. "Do I look good?"

Willow blushed and looked down at the tablecloth.

"How was school, Willow?" Giles handed the two teenagers their dinner and sat down on the other side of the table.

"It was good." Willow was about to tell her father all about Xander laughing milk out of his nose, but mentioning the Scoobies in front of Spike seemed wrong. He looked upset enough without having to hear about how much fun they were having without him.

"Spike, if you'd like me to drive you to the pool tomorrow I can." Giles offered, watching with concern as the boy pushed his dinner around his plate.

"Thanks."

Giles looked at Willow to say something to her cousin and relieve the tension in the room.

"Ummm..." Willow wondered what she could say. "How's Lizzy?"

Spike's head snapped up and he glared at her. Giles held his head in his hands, deeply regretting his decision not to tell Willow about the incident with the cat.

"Fuck you." Spike hissed and stormed out of the room.

Willow and Giles winced as they heard Spike's music come blasting out of his room, sharing a worried look.

"I'll call Tara." Giles said softly, kissing Willow on the forehead on his way to the phone. "This isn't your fault, okay?"

Willow nodded, wishing there was something she could do for her cousin. She went to his door and even with the music cranked right up, his sobs echoed loudly.

*

Present Day

Buffy slammed the door shut and dumped her shopping bags on the floor.

"How was the mall, kitten?" Spike hurried downstairs, drying his hair with a towel. Buffy jumped into his arms and hugged him, ignoring the fact he only had a towel draped around his waist. "Not good?"

"No, it was good. For most of the time." Buffy sat down on the couch and smiled at him. "You look sexy."

"I'm going to go get dressed, okay?" Spike went back upstairs, returning a few minutes later fully dressed in tight black jeans and a blue button-up shirt.

"You look sexy in that too." Buffy grinned and pulled him onto the couch to kiss him.

"What happened at the mall?" Spike glanced at the mountains of shopping bags and parcels. "You clear em out?"

Buffy giggled. "I just got some new clothes. Then I got ditched."

"Who ditched you? Willow?" Spike frowned, puzzled. It didn't sound like his cousin to 'ditch' Buffy.

"Well, we saw Tara, and they hit it off and went to a movie together."

"Why didn't you go?" Spike moaned softly as Buffy ran her hands through his hair, still damp from his shower.

"Well, I didn't feel like watching my best friend and my psych make out." Buffy pouted. "It's not fair. Xander's all busy with Anya, and now Willow's dumped me for Tara."

"Well, you've got me." Spike whispered, pulling her into his arms. He nibbled gently at her neck. "And now I have you all to myself, eh?"

"Mmm." Buffy agreed, kissing him passionately. "All yours."

"And we have three little buggers to keep us company." Spike frowned as Ginger pounced on his leg, clinging to the black denim.

"We should have called one Lizzy." Buffy said quietly, kissing the tip of Spike's nose. "We could get a fourth one and call her Lizzy Junior?"

"Sweetheart, if we have any more kittens, we'll be drowning in them."

Buffy gave a dramatic sigh, edging away. "Fine, if you don't love me enough..."

Spike chuckled and pulled her back into his lap. "I love you plenty. But if we have another kitten, we're not going to have any time for each other, okay?"

"Okay." Buffy kissed him softly, reaching up to pluck Mickey out of his hair. "These little rascals are enough."

Spike smiled and kissed her until she was breathless. "I love you."

*
 

Chapter 18:

*

Spike walked carefully upstairs, carrying Buffy's dessert on a tray. It was almost midnight - they'd spent most of the night watching movies in his room and playing with their kittens, and Buffy had now demanded chocolate icecream.

Spike pushed his door open with his foot and instantly dropped the tray. Buffy was lying on his bed, legs spread, entirely naked and smiling devilishly at him.

"Come here." Buffy whispered, batting her eyelashes at him.

Spike could barely move for shock. He could feel his erection throbbing in his jeans, but something was holding him back.

After several awkward moments of silence, Spike sighed and went to sit beside her, covering Buffy with the doona. "Stop this."

"Stop what?" Buffy reached out and ran her fingers through his hair, only arousing Spike all the more.

"What are you doing?" Spike held her wrists firmly, making sure she couldn't entice him with any more soft touches.

"I want us to have sex." Buffy said softly, wriggling into his lap. "I want to give you what you want."

Spike felt her lips pressed to his and groaned inwardly. Pushing her away would be excruciatingly difficult, as feeling the warmth of her slender body pressed to his was making him wild with lust. But Buffy felt tense, and Spike could see the fear and doubt embedded in her hazel eyes.

"But you aren't ready, sweetheart." Spike kissed her gently and nudged her away. Just as he had predicted, Buffy was infuriated.

"Why don't I be the judge of that?" She snapped and got to her feet.

"Princess, don't be silly." Spike pulled her back onto the bed and pressed his lips to hers.

"Aaargh!" Buffy cried out and yanked away. "Why don't you stop it? You want me, I can feel it! I want to give you what you want and-"

"And," Spike interrupted, "I'm very grateful, sweetheart. But I don't want to do anything until you're ready." He put a hand on her thigh and instantly Buffy clamped her legs shut. "See? You aren't ready for this yet."

"But I thought all boys wanted sex." Buffy said in a small voice, staring up at him, doe-eyed.

"Well, yes." Spike pulled her to him. "But some things matter more."

"Like?" Buffy prodded, pulling the doona up a little.

"Like.. love. Sex is fine, sweetheart, but that's all it is until we're both ready. And when we are ready, we'll be celebrating our love in the closest, most amazing way possible." Spike smiled at her. "Okay?"

"Okay." Buffy said shyly, thinking of something suddenly. "Does it upset you that you won't be my first?"

"No. What really upsets me is that you had to lose your virginity in such an awful way, luv. You won't be my first either, pet." Spike sighed and brushed a single tear off Buffy's cheek. "Don't cry, please."

"I'm sorry." She mumbled, just hurting to think of Spike with anyone but her.

"Don't apologise." Spike dropped a light kiss on her lips. "I might go take a bath and relax, alright?"

He gently moved away from her and walked across the room get his bathrobe.

"Can I come too?" Buffy asked, approaching him to slide her arms around his waist.

"Princess-"

"Please? We don't have to have sex, I just want to be close to you." She led him into the private bathroom branching off from Spike's room and sat on the edge of the large tub. "Is that okay?"

"That's okay." Spike managed to choke out, still in awe of how very beautiful she was when naked. Buffy smiled, blushing all over as Spike silently appreciated her body, and started to run the hot water.

*

"Hi sweetie." Anya kissed Buffy on the cheek. "How are you?"

"Good." Buffy shut the door and followed Anya into the living room.

"I just thought we could catch up?" Anya grinned. "I brought snacks."

She pulled two bags of chips out of her bag with a smile.

"Yummy." Buffy sat beside her and opened the first bag. "How are things with Xander?"

"Wonderful. We had sex last night."

"But it's been a week!" Buffy said, almost horrified, not only by the speed their relationship seemed to be progressing at, but also by Anya's brazen nature where concerning such a private topic.

Anya shrugged. "So? We were both ready. As all guys that age are. Have you and Spike done anything yet?"

"We've done... stuff." Buffy said quietly, playing with a lock of her hair nervously.

"Like?" Anya smiled warmly.

"Like.. you know, stuff." Buffy blushed. "Nothing below the waist with me, but last night.."

"Last night..." Anya said slowly, waiting for Buffy to continue.

"I came onto him, because we watched all these movies, and all these girls were putting out, and I got really nervous. You know, just thinking that Spike might be tempted by another woman just because I wasn't ready for that level of intimacy. So I thought maybe.. I should just do it." Buffy bit down on her lip, unable to look Anya in the eye. "Anyway, we didn't end up doing that... but then we took a bath together."

"Ooooh!" Anya clapped her hands together. "What happened?"

"I kind of.. well, we just touched each other." Buffy felt a smile grow on her face just at the thought of their soapy hands sliding over each other's slippery bodies, her own hand running up and down Spike's erect penis until he'd come. She'd been nervous, and he'd been unsure of whether she should do it or not, but Buffy had thoroughly enjoyed how powerful and sexy she felt when she'd done this.

"It was really.. wow." Buffy sighed happily and slumped against the couch cushions.

"Morning ladies." Spike came downstairs and smiled at Anya, then turned his gaze to Buffy. "I'm going to the pool, okay?"

"Can I come?" Buffy jumped up. "I feel like a swim."

"Sure, sweetheart."

"How you can swim in such cold weather, I'll never know. But I should get to the hospital." Anya said as Buffy ran upstairs to get her bathers. "I'll tell Xander you said hi?"

"That'd be good, yeah." Spike opened the door for her as Buffy hurried back downstairs. Spike leant against the doorframe and smiled at her teasingly. "What were you two talking about?"

"You heard that?" She looked absolutely mortified. Spike chuckled and gently kissed her on the nose, getting her lips when Buffy tilted her head up.

"It was amazing, sweetheart, I must say." Spike led her to his car and opened the passenger door for her to get in.

"You're amazing." Buffy said, and then without thinking, blurted out, "You're so big."

She slapped her hand over her mouth as Spike burst out laughing. "You're adorable, you know that?"

Buffy blushed and stared at her feet. "Sorry."

"Stop apologising." Spike pulled her to him and kissed her. "You're such a silly little chit."

Buffy smiled and snuggled up to him as they drove down Revello Drive.

*

June 2000 - continued

Spike rushed into Tara's open arms the moment he got into the office.

"Your uncle told me what happened." Tara said quietly as Spike clung to her. "I'm so sorry."

She had given Spike the cat as a way to cheer him up and gain his trust, and it had worked. Although he had to keep Lizzy a secret from his mother, Spike loved the cat a lot and Tara thought it was good for him to have something to talk to or hold when she wasn't around.

"How are you?" Tara asked as Spike sat on his favourite of the two couches.

To anyone else, Spike would have glared at her and spat out, "How the fuck do you think I am?" But this was Tara, and he simply said, "Not so good."

"I kind of figured." Tara smiled sympathetically. "What's on your mind?"

"I.. I.." Spike stared up at Tara with teary eyes. "I can't stop thinking about it."

"I know."

"It was so disgusting.. how can she do that to an innocent animal?"

Tara felt she should say straight back - "How can she do the same to an innocent boy?" - but Spike was babbling out the entire story and she didn't dare interrupt. It was one of the few times Spike ever talked without being pushed, although the detailed descriptions he gave made Tara feel sick.

"Spike?" Tara said softly when he'd finished, "If it wasn't the cat, it would have been you."

She knew it was a harsh thing to say, but they both knew it was true.

"Your mother is unstable, Spike. She needs help - at the moment the only way she relieves her pain is by hurting you, and that's not right."

"Yeah." Spike agreed reluctantly.

"If you let me, I can talk to a policeman about this, and he can help both you, and your mom. Would you maybe let me do that?"

Spike was silent for a while, staring up at the ceiling, contemplating this. Finally, he stared up at Tara and shook his head. "I can't."

"Spike-"

"Please don't try to make me, because I can't." Spike said firmly.

"Okay." Tara smiled at him gently. "I'll respect whatever decision you make."

Spike returned the smile, although something inside him told him that he'd made the wrong decision.

*
 

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