Chapter 17: What We’ll Find

“I was born to laugh/I learned to laugh through my tears/I was born to love/I’m gonna learn to love without fear/Pour me a glass of wine/Talk deep into the night/Who knows what we’ll find?...We’ve seen the landfill rainbow/We’ve seen the junkyard of love/Baby, that’s no place for you and me.” ~Over the Rhine, “Born”

“It’s so not fair,” Dawn pouted, laying on Buffy’s bed, watching her sister finish getting dressed. It felt like old times—to be in her bedroom, gossiping over little things, just being together.

She’d missed this since Buffy had left Rome, and although it would only be a few weeks until Dawn came to join her in L.A. permanently, it still seemed like a long time. Especially since she was nearly missing Willow’s visit entirely.

Buffy sighed, unable to disagree with her younger sister. “I know, Dawn, but we both know that it’s for the best.”

“Okay, but you have to promise that we’re going to get together, all of us, after I’m done with school.” Dawn used her best puppy-dog eyes. “You guys could even come pick me up in Rome.”

Buffy thought about that for a minute. Exploring Rome with Spike for a few weeks could be fun. Besides, she wasn’t entirely certain that he would want to stay if Angel ended up leaving Wolfram & Hart. Working with Angel full time was bound to end with one of them killing the other.

“We’ll see,” she finally said. “I’ll discuss it with Willow while she’s here, but you’re going to have to work on Xander. It doesn’t look like he’s leaving Africa any time soon.”

“He still misses Anya,” Dawn said wisely. “I don’t blame him.”

Buffy’s expression turned sad. “No, I don’t either,” she agreed softly, remembering her own months of mourning. Spike had come back, but there wouldn’t be a similar miracle for Anya.

Dawn sighed. “I’m just glad that you and Spike are okay,” she finally said. “It’s only a few more weeks, I guess.”

“Not that long at all.” Buffy turned to look at her sister. “Do you want to come with me to pick Willow up?”

Dawn rolled her eyes. “Well, duh. Is Spike coming?”

“Spike is with Connor, trying to explain how everything is going to get cleared up in a few hours.”

Dawn snorted. “Good luck with that.”

“What are you talking about?” Buffy asked, surprised at Dawn’s skeptical tone.

“Please, like any of this is going to make sense to him,” she said. “I mean, he’s basically going to find out that he’s some sort of psycho-kid with superpowers. That’s real comforting.”

~~~~~

“So you’re getting a witch to do this spell, which will make me safe again?” Connor asked, not sounding particularly sure about that plan. Spike couldn’t exactly blame him; it sounded pretty far-fetched.

Wesley sighed. “No, but it will help you protect yourself.”

“By giving me more super-powers?” Connor asked unhappily. “Isn’t that what got me into this in the first place?”

“No. The spell will merely allow you to defend yourself using the skills that you already have,” Wesley replied. “I believe I know who is responsible for the attack on you and your parents. We need someone who is skilled in magic in order to confront him, however.”

“What about you?” Connor asked. “I thought—”

“Someone more powerful than I am,” Wesley added belatedly.

Connor shook his head. “So who is this guy and what would he want from me?”

“His name is Vail, and he’s a powerful magician.” Wesley didn’t bother telling the boy that Vail was the one who had performed the memory spell they were about to break. “I don’t know what he wants from you.” That much, at least, was true.

“So this lady is going to come and do a spell that will help me protect myself?” Connor asked, sounding incredulous. “What about my parents?”

“I think this thing is after you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Connor asked, leaping to his feet with the gawky grace of an adolescent. “I have to stay away from them for forever? If I never see them again, they’ll be safe?”

“No,” Spike answered quietly. “It’s actually a bit more complicated than that.”

Connor laughed. “I guess the next thing you’re going to tell me is that they really aren’t my parents.” At the expressions on the men’s faces, he stopped laughing. “You are. You—”

“It’s true, Connor.” Cordelia’s voice came from the doorway where she’d appeared.

Connor whirled to face her. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I know who you are,” Cordelia replied. “When Willow does the spell, you’ll understand.”

“But until then, I’m going to have to sit around like a good boy?” he demanded. “Look, I appreciate you all protecting me for the last few days, and letting me stay here, but I should get going.”

Spike blocked his way, although his voice was gentle. “We can’t let you leave, lad. There’s someone after you. We think we know a little bit about why, but if he gets to you before Willow can do this spell, you could easily end up dead. If you don’t believe anything else, believe this: none of us want to see you hurt.”

The raw sincerity in Spike’s eyes convinced Connor the vampire was telling the truth. Still, this whole thing was getting out of hand. He just wanted to protect his parents, go back to college, forget about all of this.

He was in over his head.

Connor was a little surprised when Cordelia reached out and cupped his cheek. It was a maternal gesture that suggested a close relationship—that they didn’t have. She was practically a stranger, and she was looking at him the way his mom did sometimes when she was worried about him. “Connor, I promise that we’re going to help you and your parents, whatever that takes.”

“How long?” he asked.

“Give us 24 hours,” Wesley replied. “Not much longer.”

Connor took a deep breath. His parents weren’t going anywhere any time soon. It would be at least a week before either of them were ready to leave the hospital. He had a day. After that, he’d start looking for some answers on his own.

Even though he had no idea where to start.

~~~~~

“Willow!” Buffy embraced her friend, laughing. “You look great!”

“So do you,” Willow replied, meaning every word. “Spike definitely agrees with you.”

The Slayer blushed furiously. “He does,” she replied, a silly grin forming on her face. “Where’s Kennedy? I would have thought she’d be with you.”

Willow shrugged. “We broke up.”

“I’m sorry?” Buffy said, Willow’s casual tone making her unsure of whether or not condolences needed to be offered.

“It was nice while it lasted,” Willow replied. “We had some good times, and we ended things amicably. It’s fine.”

“Good,” Buffy replied. “Dawn’s around here somewhere. She wanted junk food. Again.”

“Same old Dawnie,” Willow said fondly, waving as the girl made her way through the crowd. They hugged, chattering away quickly, filling each other in. “So what’s up with this spell?” the witch finally asked, once they were about halfway to the hotel.

“It’s to help Angel’s son,” Buffy replied. “He did this big memory-wipe spell, and we want to undo it.”

“Who, Angel’s son?”

“No, Angel,” Buffy replied. “Actually, it was a magician who did the spell, but Angel requested it. Now, something is after Connor—Angel’s son—and we need everyone to have their memories back.”

Willow frowned. “I’m willing to do the spell, Buffy, but this is big mojo, and it could have really nasty consequences. If the memories were gone, they were probably gone for a reason.”

“There was a good reason,” Buffy admitted. “Connor was going a little crazy. We’re hoping that Spike and I can control him if he goes off the deep end again.”

Willow whistled under her breath. “That’s pretty serious stuff, Buffy.”

“I know, Wills. You know I wouldn’t ask you to do this if I didn’t think it was the best thing.”

“I do,” Willow replied. “Okay, I want to talk with Connor and Wesley both. If everything goes well, we can get this done tonight.”

“Maybe I should stay with him,” Dawn suggested from the back seat. She’d been quiet for most of the discussion, listening raptly.

Buffy frowned. “Dawn, I don’t think—”

“I know what it’s like to find out your whole life is a fake, Buffy.”

That much was true, Buffy had to admit. “Okay, but I want you to be careful,” she insisted. “Connor’s a really nice guy right now, but from Cordelia’s stories, that wasn’t always the case.”

“Like I haven’t dealt with psycho superheroes before,” was Dawn’s rather biting response.

~~~~~

Connor wasn’t sure what he’d expected a witch to look like, but he was pretty sure it wasn’t like the perky redhead that came in with Buffy. She hugged everyone and then gave him a quick smile. “Okay,” she said. “Let’s get to work. I’m thinking that time might be of the essence here.”

No one tried to insist that he leave, so Connor listened to the ensuing discussion, growing increasingly more bewildered. He knew that Angel was the CEO of Wolfram & Hart, but he didn’t understand why he played such a large role in this situation. They kept talking about calling people named Gunn and Lorne, but he wasn’t sure who they were at all.

Fred left at some point to make a couple of phone calls, and Connor found himself tuning out the discussion. “Connor?”

Willow was looking at him. “Oh, sorry. Yeah?”

“Is this what you want?” she asked.

Connor looked around the room. They were all looking at him as though they really cared. In fact, that’s how they’d been treating him for the last few days—as if they really were concerned for his welfare. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I don’t understand any of this.” His eyes locked on Cordelia. “Is this the right thing?”

“I think it is, Connor,” Cordelia said softly.

Wesley was nodding as well, and Dawn was giving him a sympathetic look that suggested she knew what he was going through, although he didn’t see how she could.

“The truth might hurt, but once you know you can deal,” Buffy said. “It’s the not knowing that’s gotten you in trouble up to now.”

Connor frowned. “If this happens—if you do this spell—I’ll be able to protect my parents?”

“I believe so,” Wesley said firmly.

“Then let’s do it,” he said, with no hesitation. “That’s all I really want.”

~~~~~

Buffy leaned back against Spike, who was rubbing his hands up and down her arms in a comforting gesture. They were watching Willow get ready to do the spell. Lorne and Gunn were on their way over. It had seemed best if they were there for it, although it would work at a distance.

“I hate this,” Buffy muttered.

Spike pulled her just a little bit closer. “Hate what?”

“Waiting,” she replied. “I hate the waiting. Where are Wes and Fred?”

“Talking.” Spike grimaced. “I think Wesley’s a little nervous about how this spell is going to affect Fred’s feelings for him.”

Buffy shook her head. “Wes is a worrywart,” she said affectionately. “Fred’s in love with him.”

“He’s chalkin’ that up to this spell,” Spike said. “I don’t blame him. There are days when I’m pretty damn sure this is all a fluke.”

“There is no fluke,” Buffy said fiercely. “We fought long and hard to get here.”

They both fell silent, watching as Fred came out of the office, followed by Wesley. An awkwardness seemed to hang between them, and both the Slayer and Spike winced in sympathy, knowing how they felt.

Lorne and Gunn came through the hotel doors moments later, looking a little nervous. “So when is this party getting started?” Gunn asked.

“Fifteen minutes,” Willow said, sounding fairly cheeful. After all, she was just undoing what had been done. In a situation like this, it took a whole lot less power to put things back the way they were than it did to create a new reality.

Lorne sighed. “Well, I for one will feel much better knowing what I’ve been missing.”

Connor was staring nervously at the spell preparations. “Does this stuff actually work?”

“Yep,” Willow replied. “I haven’t had a spell go wonky in ages.” She looked up quickly, seeing the alarm that her reply brought to Connor’s face. “I have a really good success rate with spells. Just ask Buffy.”

Connor shot the Slayer a look. “She’s right,” Buffy replied. “Willow is the best.”

“It’s all about control,” Willow assured him. “And I’ve been working really hard on that the last few years.”

An uneasy silence hung over the hotel lobby after that as they all watched as the witch finished her preparations. “All done,” Willow finally said. “Connor, I need you to sit here,” she explained, pointing to the center of the design she’d chalked on the floor. “Don’t smudge the lines, please.” She waited until he was sitting cross-legged. “Okay. Any big flashing lights go off, don’t be alarmed.”

With that less-than-reassuring statement, Willow began to chant. Connor kept on looking nervous, and Dawn came over to stand next to Buffy and Spike. “So do you think he’ll be okay after this?”

“I have no idea, Dawn,” Buffy said. “There’s definitely going to be some adjustment.”

“He’ll be fine.” Spike was watching him.

Dawn looked over. “How do you know?”

“Because he won’t be alone. That makes all the difference in the world,” Spike replied.

The chanting seemed to go on forever as all eyes remained on Willow and Connor. As promised, there was suddenly a flash of light as the last words of a dead language were shouted out in ringing tones.

Lorne had been right. The acoustics in the lobby were great.

Nothing happened for the longest time. Silence reigned. Suddenly, Wesley turned and stalked towards the office, slamming the door behind him. Fred stared after him for a moment before turning and walking out the front door.

Gunn and Lorne looked at each other. “Oh, man,” Gunn finally said.

“Yeah,” Lorne agreed softly. “I can see why Angel would want to wipe those memories.”

Connor still hadn’t moved, hadn’t spoken. Finally, he rose, a grace in his movements that hadn’t been there before. Spike and Buffy both recognized the difference. He was moving like a dancer—like a fighter.

Like he’d been born to it.

Connor looked Willow in the eye. “Thank you.”

Willow watched him carefully, finally seeing whatever it was that she had been looking for. “You’re welcome.”

The boy looked at Cordelia. “We should probably talk.”

“Yeah,” Cordy agreed softly. “That’s probably a good idea.”

The rest of the group watched as they climbed the stairs. “Why is it that I suddenly have a really bad feeling about this?” Dawn asked no one in particular.

“It’s probably the same feeling the rest of us have,” Spike said, giving Buffy’s arms a final squeeze as he released her. The Slayer watched as he headed towards the office where Wesley had shut himself up.

Gunn shook his head. “I should go,” he said reluctantly. “I need to talk to Angel.”

Lorne nodded. “What do you have in the kitchen, sweetheart?” he asked Buffy.

“Everything you need,” she replied, knowing his fondness for a stiff Seabreeze.

Willow, Buffy, and Dawn were left to stare at each other, feeling removed from everything that had just occurred. “Let’s go get something to eat,” Buffy suggested. “I have a feeling that it’s going to be a while before it all gets sorted out.”
 

Chapter 18: Give Me Strength

“Sitting in the rain alone/looking at a place that’s gone/boarded up my memories/but something’s drawn me here again and I/I cannot leave the past alone/Hoped that I would never find/all the shit I left behind …I don’t want to hear the things/you say you know all you’ve redeemed/’cause I can’t change what’s come before/build myself some better dreams…Give me strength to find the road that’s lost in me/Give me time to heal and build myself a dream/Give me eyes to see the world surrounding me/Give me strength to be only me.” ~Over the Rhine, “Give Me Strength

Fred had no idea where she was going, only that she needed to leave. She needed space to deal with the memories that had suddenly flooded the empty spaces in her mind. She needed to know if she could deal with it all.

Not that she actually had a choice.

It was all there now. Wesley’s betrayal, her harsh words spoken in his hospital room, the way she’d used him. The way they had all used him.

He had told her that he’d loved her for a long time, but she wondered if remembering wouldn’t change that, because she was certain that his love wouldn’t have survived that horrible year.

Although, there had been that kiss in the midst of all the trouble with Angelus, even if their feelings had been horribly confused.

But he’d liked Lilah. Maybe even loved her, and Fred knew that she and Lilah had nothing in common. How could Wesley like the both of them?

She ended up walking the beach, watching the waves break against the sand, men and women in their bathing suits, children building sandcastles. There were college students, either on break or escaping from campus for the day.

Fred remembered doing the same thing herself on occasion. She and some of the other students in the physics lab would come to the beach for a few hours. They had talked about particle theory and quantum mechanics even as the sun beat down on them from overhead.

That fragile innocence had been destroyed in Pylea.

What strength she’d regained seemed ready to snap under the weight of her newly returned memories.

The craziest part of all of it was that Fred still loved him. She had loved Wesley even when she stood in his hospital room, telling him never to come back to the Hyperion. Maybe she hadn’t loved him as anything more than a friend, but the seeds had been there.

She should have known. She should have realized how he felt about her. The clues were all there, now that she looked back on that time with clear eyes. She had stood in his hospital room, looking at the pale figure in the bed, and she had broken him.

And then she’d gone to him for help, and he had done everything she asked.

He’d killed his father for her. Somehow she knew he would have done so even if he’d remembered everything. That was just Wesley.

Fred somehow knew that what had happened between her and Gunn, what had gone on with Connor and Jasmine and all the rest, didn’t matter to Wesley even now. He had helped her kill Professor Seidel. Gunn had been the one to snap the man’s neck, but Wesley had shown her what to do, what spell to use to open the right portal. He’d told her how she would feel afterwards, and then he’d wished her luck.

He’d kissed her in Angel’s office, and the way he had looked at her—

Fred sat down on the sand with a bump as the weight came crashing down again, the weight of all that had come before, and she suddenly hated Angel.

She hated him because maybe they all might have gone on to rebuild what they’d once had, and maybe they could have rebuilt it better if they had had their memories intact. They knew the horrible truth of what they were all capable of being and doing. They knew each other better than anyone in the world could know them because they had seen the worst and the best, the secrets that hid beneath their masks.

Now, everything they thought they had was revealed as false, because they didn’t know, not really. She had loved a mask, never knowing what lay underneath.

The real problem was that she loved the man, too. She loved Wesley, even with the gaps in her memory filled. Fred just didn’t understand how he could love her.

~~~~~

“They won’t remember, will they?” Connor asked as they stood awkwardly in Cordelia’s room. At her puzzled look, he explained, “My parents. They won’t remember me now that the spell is broken.”

Cordelia sighed. “I don’t know. You could go by and find out.”

Connor shook his head. “I have the memories, you know. I remember what it was like to grow up in a normal home, with regular parents, and it’s all a lie.”

“It’s not a complete lie,” Cordelia said softly.

“How can you say that?” Connor demanded, his voice rising. “How could he do this to me?”

“It’s not a lie because it’s what he wanted for you.” They both knew she was referring to Angel. “He loved you enough to give you up. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but—”

“I get it.” It was almost a whisper, and a fat tear trickled down his cheek. “I remember that, too. You know what the craziest part of it all is?”

Cordelia sat down next to him on the bed and put an arm around his shoulders. “What’s that?”

“This last year was real. That was me. I didn’t—before, I didn’t know who I was, but I do now. At least, I know who I want to be. I liked who I was,” he added wistfully.

Cordelia was quiet. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t.” They hadn’t talked about the rest of it. She hadn’t yet spoken of the fact that she had slept with him—even if it was only her body. “I loved you,” Connor said quietly. “I guess I still do, but not—I understand now.”

“What do you understand?” she asked softly.

The boy shrugged. “I get that you’re like my mom, and that makes it kind of gross, you know?” He looked off into the distance. “I know what it’s supposed to feel like now. I know it’s supposed to be—different than it was. I’ve had—”

“You’ve had a mother,” Cordelia said.

He nodded, relieved that she understood, that he didn’t have to explain further. “Yeah, that.”

“Connor,” she began, pausing as she tried to find the right words. Cordelia was used to speaking her mind, letting her thoughts pop out of her mouth. This boy was too fragile, and too precious for that. She wanted to find the right thing to say for his sake. “Last year was really bad,” she finally said. “You know I wasn’t really me, right?”

He nodded, and she continued. “I can promise you that I won’t lie to you, and I can promise that we’ll be here for you, all of us, no matter how things work out with your parents.”

“Thanks,” he replied hoarsely. Connor stared down at his hands. “I think I want to stay in school. That was real.”

“Yes, it was,” Cordelia agreed.

Connor took a deep breath. “I want to see my—Angel, too. I need to talk to him.”

“Okay. I’ll set it up,” she promised.

Connor nodded. “And if something happens with my folks, can I come back here?”

“Always.”

And she held him as he mourned his fake parents, in a fake life, that still felt more real to him than any of his newly restored memories.

~~~~~

Spike broke the lock on the door easily. Wesley would make him repair it later, but he didn’t care. The ex-Watcher needed to not be alone right now, and since Fred had dashed off, it seemed like he was nominated.

“I locked the door for a reason, you know,” Wesley said, his voice cold.

Spike lifted an eyebrow and sat down, sprawling comfortably. “It was a stupid reason.”

“This isn’t about you,” Wesley said. “You have no idea—”

“You betrayed him,” Spike said evenly. “I know. You told me.”

“No, you don’t—”

“Then they betrayed you and left you out in the cold,” Spike continued inexorably. “That loneliness ate at you so bad you thought you’d go crazy.” Wesley remained silent. Spike figured he was probably on the right track. “You lost everything that ever meant anything to you, and Angel took that away. He took everything that might have made a difference, and now that all those memories are back, you’re pretty damn sure that it’s going to destroy everything you’ve been working towards. When you leave this office, it’s all gonna fall apart.”

Wesley sat down behind the desk. “How do you do that?” he asked wearily.

“Think about who I lived with,” Spike replied. “You’d better know how to read subtext around Angelus and Dru or they’ll eat you alive. Trust me.”

He buried his head in his hands. “Did Fred leave?”

“Yeah, she did, but probably not for the reasons you’re thinking,” Spike replied. “She loves you, Wesley.”

“You don’t know that,” he replied. “You don’t know what she said, or—how could she?”

“What?”

“How could she love me after what I did?”

Spike took a deep, unnecessary breath. “I don’t know.”

Wesley shot him a hurt look. “Thank you so much.”

“How could I love Buffy after she left me to dust in an alley?” Spike continued, as though he was simply continuing the discussion. As though it had some relevance. “How could Buffy still love me after I tried to rape her? You tell me.”

Wesley was staring at him. “I didn’t—”

“It’s not something either of us are particularly proud of,” Spike replied quietly. “Why would we spread it around?”

He rose, going to the cupboard where he knew the ex-Watcher kept his alcohol. “This is what’s goin’ to happen,” Spike said, almost cheerfully. “I’m going to get you drunk, then you’re going to sleep. Tomorrow, you’ll wake up with a hangover, and then you’ll hunt Fred down and tell her that knowing everything that went on doesn’t make a difference to you. If she’s anything like the girl I think I know, she’ll tell you the same, and you’ll shag like a couple of rabbits while Buffy and I make sure that whoever’s after Connor gets what’s comin’ to him.”

Wesley stared at the proffered glass. “Spike—”

“’s a good plan.”

Wesley slammed back the shot and watched as Spike refilled the glass. “I like that plan.”

~~~~~

The knock on the door startled Connor. He looked up to see Dawn. “Hey.”

“Hey,” he replied.

“How are you?”

“Okay,” he replied. “I think it’s going to be okay. Where did you guys go?”

“I went to get something to eat with Buffy and Willow, since I have to fly back tomorrow.” At his crestfallen expression, Dawn added, “But I’m coming back as soon as school’s over, and then I’m staying here.” She sat down on the bed. “I wanted to tell you that we stopped by the hospital.”

Connor shut his eyes. “Did you—”

“I’m so sorry.” Dawn didn’t tell him that she’d disguised herself as a hospital volunteer so she could chat up his mother. Or that when asked about her kids, the only child she remembered having was a daughter.

“I figured. I didn’t think—”

“I don’t think anyone really did,” she said. “I know how you feel.” His eyes shot open, and anger flashed hot sparks at her. “No, really, because I’m fake too.”

Connor stared at her. “What are you talking about?” he asked in a flat tone.

“I mean, I didn’t actually exist until I was fourteen, and everything I remember before that was because some monks made it up.” Dawn smiled at him. “I was really mad when I found out.”

“What did you do?” he asked, curiosity getting the better of him.

She shrugged. “I cut myself to see if I was real. I figured if I bled, I had to be real, right?”

Strangely enough, that made perfect sense to Connor. “And then?”

“And then my sister told me that I was a Summers, and Mom basically said the same, so it didn’t matter if I wasn’t real, because we chose each other.”

“What are you saying?” Connor asked.

Dawn gave him a look that suggested he was being intentionally obtuse. “I’m saying that you’re not fake. That you’ve got a real family here that want you, and that counts for a lot.”

Connor looked at her. “What happened to your mom?”

“She died,” Dawn said simply. “So it’s just me and Buffy. Well, there’s Spike too. He’s family.”

“I’m sorry,” Connor replied.

Dawn nodded. “Yeah, I know. Everyone always is. Do you want to go out?”

“What?”

“Do you want to go out?”

“Like on a date?” he asked, sounding so bewildered that Dawn took pity on him.

“Or as friends. I don’t care. I just figured you’d want to get out of here.”

“I do.” Connor realized that he needed out. He needed something else, too. He needed a good fight, the opportunity to stretch muscles that hadn’t been used for months. That could wait, though. First, he needed to escape for a little while. “You want to go see a movie?”

“Sure,” Dawn replied. “I’ll even let you pick.”

~~~~~

Fred entered the office just as Spike was spreading a blanket over Wesley. “Is he asleep?”

“Not so much asleep as unconscious,” Spike replied, straightening. “You okay?”

“I’m fine.” Fred stopped, realizing that it was true. She was fine. “I think we’ll be fine, too.”

Spike smiled at her. “I know you will be, Pixie. You got a lot of fight in you.”

“Enough to fight for him,” she agreed. “Have you talked to Cordelia?”

The vampire shook his head. “No. What’s she got to say?”

“She’s taking Connor to see Angel tomorrow.” Fred hesitated. “Buffy, Willow and Dawn went to see Connor’s parents. They don’t remember him anymore. It’s like he never existed in their minds. No one is sure where the last year went, but—”

“I imagine it went where everything else goes when you see something that doesn’t make any sense,” Spike replied. “Ask the Slayer. We saw it all the time in Sunnydale. You could vamp right in front of someone, and they’d write it off as a gang member on PCP.”

“Yeah,” Fred agreed. “We’ve seen it before too.” She walked over to where Wesley lay, touching his stubbled cheek fondly. “Do you think he’ll be okay, Spike?”

Spike hesitated. “If I were in your shoes, pet, I’d be here when he wakes up.”

Fred understood what he meant without any elaboration. If she was here, it might give him the reassurance that he needed. “I’ll be here.”

Spike smiled at her. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

“Spike?”

“Yeah, pet?”

“Thanks. For staying with him.”

Spike looked at the sleeping man. “Not a problem.”

~~~~~

Buffy woke as Spike entered their room. She had fallen asleep while waiting for him to come up. Sitting up, she watched as he stripped and then crawled under the covers, unsurprised when he immediately reached for her.

They just held each other, legs and arms tangled so that it was difficult to tell where one began and the other ended.

“I have to say that it’s really nice not to be in the middle of the drama for once.”

Spike chuckled. “Can’t disagree with you, luv.”

Buffy sighed, pressing her lips to his bare chest, beginning to nibble at his skin. “I mean, for once we’re not the ones doing the whole big dramatic scene, you know?”

“I know,” he said, sighing under her ministrations. “Also nice to know that there isn’t anything like that hanging between us. One thing we can say, we’ve never really been dishonest with each other.”

Buffy looked up to meet his eyes. “Actually, that’s not true.”

Spike’s eyes narrowed. “What are you talkin’ about?” he asked suspiciously.

“I loved you when I was telling you I didn’t,” she replied.

Spike snorted. “Well, yeah. I knew that already, pet.”

Buffy glared at him. “Hey! I’m trying to be honest here, buster.”

“Buffy-luv, I knew. Something in me knew, even if I couldn’t quite bring myself to believe it.” Spike smirked at her. “Your lips might lie, but your eyes can’t. You’re a horrible liar, Slayer.”

“Tell that to my mother,” Buffy said in a hurt tone. “I lied about being the Slayer for years, and she never found out.”

“No, she thought you were a trouble-maker,” he corrected her. “She had no clue about the Slayer part, but she was mostly right about the other.”

“I was not a trouble-maker,” Buffy retorted, gasping as Spike’s mouth began to work its way south. “Trouble found me.”

“Right.” He didn’t stop. Spike’s lips and tongue were working their magic, and Buffy lost the thread of their conversation entirely. “Point is, we’re honest with each other now,” Spike said, taking a momentary break.

“Don’t stop,” she commanded. “And, yes, very honest. Can we get back to the point now?”

“What is the point?” Spike teased.

Buffy mock-glared at him. “That I love you and you love me, and you need to get back to what you’re doing.”

“Whatever my lady wants,” he replied, and set about doing just that.

Chapter 19: Redeeming an Angel

"You're makin' a mess/Somethin' I can't fix/This time you're on your own/I'd make it alright/But I wouldn't get it right/I'm leavin' it alone...I'm waiting for the end/Waiting to begin again/You're makin' a mess/Somethin' you can't hide/A slow suicide/Just one bite at a time/I should love you less/But I can't I guess..." Over the Rhine, "B.P.D."

"I'm done," Gunn said quietly.

Angel had known this moment was coming. He'd watched over the last month as the lab tech's death ate at the man. Somehow he'd known that Wolfram & Hart was the end of the line for all of them. You couldn't be given your heart's desire and not have it change you.

Not always for the better, either.

"Okay," Angel replied.

"My contract has a non-compete clause," Gunn said, "but you're not really in competition with Angel Investigations. I'm going to be doing some work for Anne, too. Pro-bono stuff."

"That's good." The vampire's face revealed none of his inner turmoil. He had asked for this. He had freely agreed to come work here, and he realized that he would have to make the best of a bad situation.

Angel had never believed that it would get this bad, however.

Gunn nodded. "I'm gone by the end of today. I figure you'll be hearing from Lorne, too."

"I expected to," Angel admitted, watching his friend leave without saying anything else.

When the door shut behind Gunn, Angel stood and walked over to the windows, looking out over the city. It was a great view. In some ways, it was a great job. Most people would love to be where he was.

Of course, Angel wasn't most guys.

He missed his friends. He missed the camaraderie they'd had before everything had gone all to hell. Angel missed getting up close and personal with the people he was trying to save. If he could have left, he would have, but there was no chance of that, not while Wolfram & Hart still held his soul hostage.

His mind wandered to Connor. Angel knew he probably should have kept a closer eye on his son, but it had been too painful. That was his boy who was calling strangers "mom" and "dad."

Connor was his. No, he corrected himself, Connor had been his. He wasn't any longer.

"Brooding again, huh?"

Angel stiffened. "Cordelia." He hadn't seen her since she'd woken and insisted on calling Wesley. "What are you doing here?"

 

"I came to talk to you," she replied. "What else?"

He turned slowly. "How are you?"

"I'm good." Cordelia smiled softly. "Probably better than you are."

Angel shook his head. "Cordy—"

"There's someone here who wants to see you," she said, looking behind her to the open door of his office.

Connor walked in. Angel could see that his son was troubled. Connor looked tired, and there were deep circles under his eyes. "Connor..."

"Hey, Dad."

~~~~~

Dawn hugged both Buffy and Spike. "You guys are coming this summer, right?"

"We'll be there with bells on," Buffy promised. "Although, probably without the bells."

Spike just grinned. "Yeah, sure, Niblet. Wouldn't miss it for the world. Have to drag back the rest of your sister's stuff, right?"

"We're so going to deserve a vacation after all of this anyway," Buffy said. "We haven't gotten one of those yet."

Dawn beamed. "Cool." She glanced back over her shoulder, knowing that her time was growing short. "You guys will take care of Connor?"

"We're on the team," Spike said. "Don't worry, Bit. He's a tough kid."

Dawn shrugged. "Yeah, but this is a really sucky thing to have happen."

"He'll be fine, I'm sure." Buffy hugged her sister one last time. "But we'll tell him you were worried. Go, before you miss your flight."

There was another last-minute hug for Spike, and then Dawn dashed off, slipping through the crowd. Spike reflexively wrapped an arm around Buffy's shoulders. "It's just a few more weeks, luv," he said softly.

"I know," Buffy replied. "It's just—I don't think I realized how much I missed her until she came to visit."

"Do you want to go back to Rome until she's through with school for the year?" Spike asked. "We can have you on a flight tomorrow."

Buffy hesitated before shaking her head. "Dawn and I talked, Spike. We'll see her again soon enough, and she doesn't mind. Plus, with everything that's been going on here..." She sighed. "You do know that they're going to manage to get Angel out of Wolfram and Hart one of these days, don't you?"

"That was the plan," he replied flippantly as they made their way back to the parking lot.

Buffy bumped him with her shoulder. "What are you going to want to do when that happens? I know you and Angel don't see eye to eye. On anything."

Spike smiled. "Buffy, luv, the main reason I've always hated Angel is because he always seemed to get what I want. That's no longer a concern."

She frowned. "What do you—" There was a long silence. "You aren't going to be insufferable about this, are you? Because I really don't like thinking of myself as a prize to be won."

"Have you seen the look on Cordelia's face when Angel's name is mentioned?" Spike asked softly.

Buffy looked at him. "I know she's in love with him, Spike."

 

"The feeling is mutual, I can guarantee that much." Spike smirked. "I don't need to rub it in, because Angel has his own girl. If he does get jealous for some idiotic reason, Cordelia'll kick his ass."

Buffy laughed. "Okay, I guess that much is true. You're really thinking you want to stay, though?"

Spike shrugged. "Well, much as I like the hotel, 'm not sure I want to stay there, but stay in L.A.? Yeah, I do. I've got friends here, pet."

"I know. So do I," Buffy murmured. "This is what I missed, you know."

"What's that?"

"Being a part of a group," she replied. "I mean, training the Slayers was okay, but when everyone got so spread out, all the fun went out of it." Buffy sighed. "I'm going to miss Willow when she has to leave in a few days."

Willow had decided to stick around for a few extra days, just to make sure that the magician didn't pose any more problems for them now that his spell had been broken. She was off seeing her parents at the moment, but she was coming back to the hotel later that day.

"I know you will, luv," Spike said. "Buffy, I don't want you to feel like you're stuck here in L.A. for anythin'. You can go wherever you need to go."

She knew what Spike was trying to say. He didn't want to tie her down to one place if she wanted to travel. "Maybe one of these days," Buffy acknowledged. "I'm right where I want to be for the moment, though."

~~~~~

When Wesley woke up, the light coming into the office seemed to pierce his brain. He was beginning to remember why he'd stopped drinking so much, but downing the bottle of scotch had seemed like a good idea last night.

He was going to kill Spike.

"Here." The voice was soft, almost a whisper, and Wesley took the glass of water and aspirin she was handing to him. "Spike said you probably wouldn't be feeling very well."

"I'm going to kill Spike."

"He might have been pouring, but you were drinking," Fred said, her tone wry. "I don't think blaming him will make the hangover go away either."

The memories came rushing back, and Wesley winced. "What are you doing here?"

"You know," Fred replied in a conversational tone. "I think we've both made some really stupid mistakes."

"That goes without saying," Wesley muttered, his head in his hands. The room wouldn't stop spinning.

"So I thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that Angel was really wrong to take our memories, because it was like we got together under false pretences."

He bit back a groan. Here it was. Fred was going to tell him that they couldn't be together. Her feelings for him had been manufactured by that spell, and now—

"The funny thing is, I still love you."

Wesley's head shot up. "What?"

"I love you," she said clearly. "Wesley, you shot your father for me. Granted, that was before you remembered those horrible things I said to you, and so if you don't like me anymore, I'll completely understand, but—"

He stopped her ramble with one finger over her lips. Wesley would have tried kissing her, but with the taste in his mouth, he was fairly certain she'd never forgive him for that. "Say the first part again."

"I love you." Fred raised her eyebrows. "I'm assuming you don't hate me."

"No, of course not," Wesley exclaimed. "How could I?"

"Remember the whole 'we both made stupid mistakes' thing?" Fred asked. She cupped his stubbled cheek. "You have just as much right to not love me anymore as I have to not love you anymore."

"I've loved you since I've known you," Wesley replied. "Or perhaps before. I think maybe before."

Fred smiled at him. "Sometimes I can be sorta slow. It took me a little longer."

Hangover nearly forgotten, Wesley pulled her to him. "I was so afraid—"

"I know." She ran her fingers through his hair. "You don't have to be afraid of that anymore. I love you." There was a pause. "I wouldn't mind hearing it from you again, you know."

"I love you," he murmured.

"Then you won't mind me telling you that you really need a shower," she said, teasing him.

He chuckled. "I would believe you." Wesley ran a hand down her hair. "I love you."

"I know," Fred replied. "You've proven it again and again." She grinned at him, her eyes full of mischief. "By the way, my parents know about us."

Wesley looked a little alarmed. "Really?"

"Yep, and they're thrilled." Her grin turned sly. "They're going to be here in a coupla weeks. I know they'll love seeing both of us."

Wesley gulped. He might be a bad-ass demon hunter, but meeting the parents was still fraught with danger. "Great."

She laughed out loud. "They already love you, Wes. Come on," she stood, pulling him with her. "Shower, and then breakfast." Glancing at the clock, she amended, "Okay, lunch."

"Right behind you," Wesley replied, his heart lighter than it had been in a very long time.

~~~~~

"I'll let you two get caught up," Cordy said, slipping out the door, leaving Angel to stare at his son.

"What—what happened?" Angel finally asked after a long silence.

Connor shrugged, not quite meeting his eyes. "Wesley broke the memory spell you had put on everyone."

"Why?" Angel demanded. "That was for your protection!"

"It didn't protect me!" Connor shot back. "My—" He stopped. "The people you gave me to, they were hurt because of me, and I couldn't protect them." His face reflected conflicted emotions: despair, rage, longing. "If I had known—I could have stopped it from happening."

Angel sat down heavily, closing his eyes. Nothing was working out how he had planned. Connor was supposed to have a nice life, have everything Angel hadn't been able to give him. "Who broke the spell?"

"Someone named Willow," Connor replied, sitting down in the available chair.

Angel shook his head. "She'd be the only one powerful enough," he muttered. "I don't know of anyone else."

"They—my parents—they don't remember me anymore," Connor said quietly. "It's like I never existed for them. We—I still don't know how far that goes, but I'm pretty sure I'm still going to college."

"Where?"

"Stanford."

"Really?" Angel smiled. "That's great. Do you like it there?"

"Yeah, I do," Connor replied. "I'm going back just as soon as we clear this up. I need to know who was after me."

Angel nodded slowly. "Okay. I'll look into it."

Connor stood. "I should get back to Cordy. Do you have the phone number?"

"I have it." Angel watched him as he headed towards the door. "If you need anything—anything at all—"

Connor paused, then looked back over his shoulder. "I know who to come to." He was just about to close the door behind him, when he met Angel's eyes. "I'm going to be okay."

Angel watched as the door closed, and then ran a hand over his face. Connor was doing fine. He was the same well-adjusted kid he'd been a week ago when he was in the office for the first time.

And Angel was still trapped at Wolfram & Hart, with no way to leave. No way at all.

~~~~~

When Willow returned to the hotel, it was to find everyone gone except for Lorne, who was still sipping a Seabreeze. "Hey, Lorne," the witch greeted him. "Where is everybody?"

"Out and about," he replied. "Scattered to the four winds."

Willow frowned. "Are you okay?"

"Okay?" Lorne asked, bitterness edging his tone. "Okay was owning Caritas, listening to people sing, setting them on their paths. Okay was entertaining folks every night. This—this is not it."

She sat down next to him. "That doesn't mean you can't get it back, right? You could open another club."

He sighed. "Ignore me. I'm just—"

"Still reeling from the spell?" she asked. "It was a big change."

"What exactly did you do?" Lorne asked. "It felt like—"

"I restored things to the way they were meant to be," Willow replied. "You can alter reality all you want, and sometimes it's okay. I mean, the monks that made Dawn inserted her into a reality that already existed. This warlock basically created something entirely new. It wasn't necessarily a good thing."

"Angel meant for it to be, I think," Lorne said softly. "I can't blame him. We all loved Connor, you know. As a baby, anway. When he came back from Quortoth all grown up, he was a real pill. Then everything went bad, and—maybe I would have done the same thing in his place."

Willow smiled. "Angel usually has the best of intentions, even if the execution isn't the greatest."

Cordelia and Connor came walking through the doors of the hotel. "Hey guys," Cordelia said. "Anything new?"

"Everybody's gone," Willow replied. "That's new." She gave Connor a sympathetic look. "How are you today?"

He shrugged. "I'm okay. It's weird, but I'll deal." Connor looked over at Lorne. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Lorne asked with some surprise.

"For being a jerk." Connor suddenly smiled, and it caused his whole face to light up. "It's not like I can really throw stones. My dad's a vampire."

Lorne gave him a considering look. "Apology accepted. Would you mind humming a few bars for me?"

Connor looked surprised, and then started humming a nondescript top-40 radio tune. Lorne was just grateful that it wasn't Barry Manilow, since Angel had murdered him enough for one century. "Thanks, lamb," he said, looking at Cordy. "Connor here needs to kill someone. Actually, it would be better for everyone involved if he killed more than one someone."

"Is it a demon?" Connor asked hopefully.

"A couple of demons, including a magician of some sort." Lorne shrugged. "I don't know much more than that, but when Angel calls, make sure you take some backup. You'll know who to get then." Lorne's face suddenly softened. "And you've got a family and a home, kiddo. This is it right here."

Connor looked surprised for a minute and then nodded. "I'm going to be upstairs," he told Cordelia. "You'll tell me when Angel calls?" She nodded and watched him walk away, his shoulders slumped.

"Maybe we shouldn't have done the spell," Cordy murmured. "Or have done—"

"There wasn't any other way," Willow replied. "Or if there was, and I missed something, I'm not sure the outcome would have been any better."

"I guess the question is how we're supposed to get Angel out of Wolfram and Hart," Cordy mused.

Lorne took another sip of his Seabreeze. "That's up to Connor."

"What?" Cordelia stared at him.

Lorne shrugged. "The only one who can get Angel out is his son, but the kid has to want to do it. Give it some time, and don't push him. Connor will figure it out for himself."

Cordelia sighed. She'd been patient this long. A little longer wouldn't hurt.

~~~~~

Wesley had showered at his place, Fred waiting patiently in his living room. The steam cleared his head, so that he felt almost human by the time he got out.

When he emerged from the bathroom, Fred was watching a special on whales on PBS. "I don't have much food here," he said quietly, trying not to startle her.

She glanced up at him, over the back of the couch. "I called and ordered takeout," she replied.

"That will be fine, then."

There was an awkward pause. Wesley wasn't quite sure what to say, what the next step might be. He wasn't quite sure if they knew one another better, or not at all.

Fred patted the cushion next to her, and he came to sit down, both of them turning their attention towards the television. Wesley wasn't particularly interested in whales, but it was better than trying to make small talk, which they'd long outgrown.

How the bloody hell did you make small talk with someone you'd tried to kill, someone you'd known and loved for years? Even if you hadn't remembered all of it until 24 hours before.

They might have sat there forever, not saying anything, until Fred turned to him, pulling his head down so that his lips met hers. Her fingers curled around his neck as she deepened her kiss. After a moment's shock, Wesley began to return the embrace, entwining his fingers in her hair, his thumb caressing the side of her face where it rested.

Neither of them wanted to come up for air. The long, slow burn grew hotter, their hands became more frantic. Fred stretched out on top of him where they both lay on his couch. Things might have grown more heated yet if the doorbell hadn't rung.

They both gave simultaneous groans. "That would be our food."

Wesley grunted in response. "Ignore it."

"Wesley, we can't ignore it. I'm supposed to pay for it." Fred hated being practical as much as he did at that moment, but she was hungry. If things were going to progress, she needed fuel.

By the time she came back with their order, Wesley was sitting up, a rueful expression on his face. "I suppose we shouldn't have gotten started, knowing that our dinner was coming."

Fred shrugged. "Well, I'm starving, and you have to be hungry. We'll need our energy for later."

He smiled, good humor sparkling in his blue eyes. "I fully intend on there being a later," he warned.

"Good," Fred replied, taking a huge bite of beef lo mein. "Because I wouldn't have it any other way."