Father Knows Jack

Season 8, Episode 11

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Acknowledgments: Many thanks to Mel D for beta reading this episode.

Watching Willow move about the apartment, Fred understood what it meant for a person to “flutter about.” She’d been straightening the living room in fits and starts all day and it was beginning to get irritating. The fourth time Willow straightened the already Jesse Helms-straight photos, Fred intervened.

“Honey, come on. Everything’s fine,” she said, taking Willow’s hands in hers.

Willow looked at her without really seeing. “Yeah, I just need to check the-“

Fred cut her off with a deep kiss. After a few moments she pulled away and whispered, “It’s just your mom.”

“No, it’s also judgment and lectures. And is it ok to have this African mask on the wall?” Willow said, walking over to it. “Am I honoring African culture or is it cultural colonialism? I can never tell.”

“If I say it’s cultural colonialism will you take it down?” Fred asked. “That thing gives me the willies.”

Before Willow could reply Xander burst into the room.

“Anyone seen my green sweater?”

“Does it have butterflies on it?” Fred asked, holding up one of Willow’s.

“No.”

“No then.”

Xander threw up his hands. “I’m a dead man.”

“It was a magical life saving sweater?” Willow asked.

“Yes it had the power to ward off the horrifying ‘Why don’t you wear the things I send you? You don’t love me!’ guilt trip.”

Willow nodded appreciatively. “Powerful sweater.”

“Maybe Dawn borrowed it,” Fred offered.

“Excellent,” Xander replied and took off down the hall, yelling for Dawn.

“I wish I had a magic guilt repelling sweater,” Willow said glumly

“What would your mom guilt you about? She’s more liberal than Al Frankin and Michael Moore combined.”

“I guess it’s not the guilt so much as the awkwardness,” Willow said and looked down at the floor. “I don’t even know her.”

“She’s your mom of course you know her.”

“No. I know her work. I can recite her vita but the longest conversation we ever had ended with me tied to a stake.”

“Harsh.”

“I just don’t-“

“What?”

“I don’t want her here,” Willow said, sinking into the couch. “Isn’t that awful?”

“Yes. You’re sure to burn in hell,” Fred replied and sat beside her. “At least it’ll be warm,” she added cheerfully.

Willow rolled her eyes in response. “You know, in Dante’s cosmology the worst part of hell is frozen. It symbolizes the absence if God’s love,” she said. “Mom wrote a paper about The Inferno and the legend of the abominable Snowman.”

“Fascinating,” Fred replied and wrapped her arm around Willow’s back. “Don’t worry. I’ll protect you from your mom.”

“With magical knitwear?”

“I was thinking with my charming personality, and when that fails, by making an ass of myself.”

“Who’s making an ass of themselves?” Xander said, poking his head in the door again. “That’s my domain.”

“Fred’s gonna throw herself on the sword for me,” Willow said and turned to gaze at Fred.

Xander snapped his fingers and pointed at them, “Yes – swords. Good thinking,” he said and disappeared again.

“Why do all our parents have to come at once?” Willow asked. “Xander’s and mine hate each other.”

“Maybe it’s because you all got drunk and called them to say you were ok on the same night,” Fred offered.

“Further evidence that beer is bad,” Willow said and nodded sagely.

“Hey,” Buffy said as she walked into the room. “Why did Xander just ask where we kept the broadswords?”

“I’m not sure,” Willow replied. “Either he’s killing himself or his dad.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Why is he freaking out? He’s an adult. This isn’t a big.”

“Uhuh,” Willow replied.

“What’s that mean?”

“Nothin’,” Willow replied and looked down with faux innocence.

“What? You don’t see me freaking out because my dad’s coming to visit.”

“Course not,” Willow replied.

“What? I’m not.”

Willow looked up at her. “I would bet all my meager worldly possession that sometime tonight your slayer senses’ll go a-tingly and you’ll be off to save the day.”

“I can’t help it, it’s my job.”

“Faith is here. Kennedy is here-“

“And I will therefore send one of them if something that they can handle comes up. It’s not like I’m afraid of spending time with my dad.”

“Really? I am,” Dawn said as she entered the apartment and plopped down on the couch next to Fred. “This is too weird.”

“No, Spike working for Angel is too weird,” Buffy said. “This is just sort of odd.”

“For you. You’ve met the guy.”

“You’ve never met your father?” Fred asked.

“Not really,” Dawn replied. “I mean, I remember him, but that’s all fake. I’ve never met him. What if he knows?”

“He won’t know,” Buffy replied.

“Mom knew.”

“Mom had a tumor.”

“Maybe he has one too. You don’t know,” Dawn argued.

“Come on, we’ll talk on the way to the airport,” Buffy replied.

The Scoobies gathered in the foyer and got ready to pick up their parents with an air of dead men walking to the chair. Maybe it was the dread that all adult children feel when faced with their parents. Maybe it was memories of chloroform and insane asylums. Or maybe it was the fact that Xander insisted on humming the imperial death march the whole time.

“Really, I think you’re over doing it a bit,” Giles said.

“Says the man who’s abandoning us,” Dawn replied sullenly as she pulled on her coat.

“This is a family thing. I don’t really think it’s appropriate for me to attend.

“What will you be doing instead?” Fred asked.

Giles took off his glasses and began to clean them. “I’m going to visit Olivia.”

Everyone exchanged a look.

“You sure that’s safe?” Dawn said.

“Faith is going with,” Buffy replied.

None of them had talked about it much. But he knew that they knew. What he didn’t know was whether it was pity or horror he saw in their eyes.

“So, um,” he said as they walked toward the door. “Have fun and try not to let your parents get to you. Remember – you’ve faced far worse monsters.”

The Scoobies’ parental units hadn’t maintained the closeness that their children had and were therefore coming in at three separate times at two different airports. Xander was off to Gatwick. Willow, Fred, Dawn and Buffy hung out together at Heathrow as long as they could, but eventually it came time to part and go to their respective gates.

Buffy and Dawn took their place outside customs and waited.

“When was the last time you saw him?” Dawn asked as they scanned the group coming out of the door.

“Ah, hallucinations aside, the summer after I killed the Master.”

“That’s my last memory too.”

“Dawn,” Buffy said and turned to look at her. “I know the whole thing with Maddock freaked you out but you can’t let dad being here make you feel less real. I love you and he loves you. It doesn’t matter that your memories were made up by monks,” Buffy said and turned to look at the woman who was staring at them.

“We’re in a soap opera,” Dawn explained.

The woman nodded and turned away.

Just then, Dawn caught sight of Hank coming trough the gates. And in that moment all real/not real thoughts were replaced by ‘Daddy!’

“Look, look. That’s him,” Dawn exclaimed and waved wildly. “Dad over here!”

Hank caught sight of her and strode up, arms outstretched.

“Dawny doll. Oh I missed you,” Hank said, hugging her close.

“Hey, I need love too,” Buffy complained.

“Of course,” Hank said and reached over to pull Buffy into the hug.

Meanwhile at the domestic arrivals gate Mrs. Rosenberg was getting off her plane from Edinburgh where she had delivered a paper entitled, “Elves of the world unite: How the Santa Clause folktale perpetrates the myth of the happy slave.”

Willow didn’t cry out joyfully. She just clutched Fred’s hand tighter. And Mrs. Rosenberg didn’t throw her arms out. Actually, she had to fight the instinct to offer a hand shake. She knew she was no good at this, and intellectually she knew how to be better. She’d read all the books, co-authored a few papers, but putting knowledge into action had never been her forte.

So, instead of a hug or warm greeting she said, “I’m so pleased you’ve shucked our society’s condemnation of your lifestyle to the point where you feel comfortable expressing your sexual preference openly.”

Willow and Fred smiled.

“Thanks mom,” Willow replied through a forced smile. “So, where do we pick up your bags?”

As usual, Xander heard them before he saw them. More than anything he wanted to just turn and run, but he stood his ground and watched as his parents emerged from customs, bickering.

“I didn’t hit on the stewardess,” his father bellowed.

“You grabbed her ass,” his mother countered.

“Pat, a little pat. Why are you making such a big deal?” he said and looked around to the men in the group, as if wanting back up.

They all looked away.

Before the fight could progress into its next inevitable step - throwing things, Mrs. Harris spotted Xander. Her face lit up, then promptly fell.

It took Xander a moment to realize she didn’t know about the eye.

“Hey mom,” he said with forced cheerfulness.

“What happened?” she breathed.

“Whatdja do that for?” his father said a little louder than necessary and gestured at Xander’s eye.

“Accident at work,” Xander replied. “Which carousel-“

“Why didn’t you tell us?” his mother asked.

“I didn’t want to worry you. It’s really not a big deal. Come on,” he said, pulling them down the concourse.

In the interest of safety in numbers all of the Scoobies brought their parents back to the council for dinner. And not surprisingly, it was a complete disaster. The Harrises were inebriated and loud, Hank gamely tried to diffuse the arguments with his winning smiles and easy jokes, and Sylvia sat back and watched like an anthropologist taking notes on a newly discovered tribe.

After dinner the Scoobies said goodnight and escorted (and in the case of Mr. Harris – carried) their parents to the guest rooms while two dark figures lurked outside.

“I don’t think this was a good idea,” Spike said.

“Of course it wasn’t, you came up with it,” Angel replied.

“You didn’t have to come.”

Angel wasn’t entirely sure why he had. All he knew was that he had no intention of letting Spike traipse around Europe with Buffy while he sat alone in LA. Now, watching Spike pace around the front door he wished he was back home. No good could come of this.

Angel finally got fed up with Spike’s hemming and hawing and walked up to the door and knocked.

No answer.

“They’re asleep. We should just go home,” Spike said.

“No,” Angel said and smiled as he looked up.

Buffy had spent too many years beset on all sides by demons and vampires to be able to sleep soundly. Every thud was a potentially lethal foe.

Which is why she was waiting at the window, stake in hand, when Angel crawled through. She lunged and if it hadn’t been for the trademark ridiculous hair, would have driven the stake home.

Angel recoiled and fell more than stepped into the room.

“Hey,” he said, looking up at her sheepishly.

“Hey,” Buffy replied, stepping back and crossing her arms. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Angel smiled up at her. “I was in the neighborhood.”

“And you thought you’d climb by?”

He shrugged and picked both himself and his dignity off the floor. “Thought it’d be fun – for old time’s sake.”

Buffy smiled a bit and shook her head. “You’re such a spaz,” she said affectionately.

Just then Spike’s head popped into the window frame.

“Nice place. Got a spare room?”

Buffy paused a moment to take in the absurdity of her life. “Normally, yes, but we’ve got guests.”

“I guess we’ll have to share the couch then,” Spike said as he climbed through the window.

Buffy pictured them curled up together like kittens and smiled.

Spike walked toward her and leaned in to say, “Course one of us could bunk with you.”

“Or both, we could have a big orgy, your presence would probably be enough to keep Angel’s happiness clause in check,” Buffy replied.

“I don’t know,” Spike said. “He is rather fond of me, but even if he does go all evil, killing him would be a fun topper for the evening.”

“As tempting as that is, I’m not eager to get caught having sex with a vampire with my dad, Willow’s mom, and Xander’s parents in the house.”

Angel watched on, envious of the banter. Why wasn’t respectful silence considered sexy?

“Oh, well if that’s the only thing stopping you, we can go drain them dry,” Angel offered, quite pleased at his entry into the conversation.

“Sure,” Spike agreed. “It’s not like our damnation’s going to get any more eternal.”

Buffy tried not to smile. “Eating people is not funny,” she said sternly. “Living room, both of you and try not to rip any throats out on the way to the couch.”

Hank wasn’t a prude by any stretch, still, the sight of not one, but two young men coming out of his daughter’s bedroom in the middle of the night was somewhat alarming. Before he knew it his long dormant parental instincts took over and he felt his legs carry him forward and listened as his strangely loud voice bellowed, “What the hell is going on here?”

Buffy had been just about to close the door and go to bed when her father’s voice called out. She wanted more than anything to just pretend nothing was happening and go back to bed. But somehow she doubted she’d get away with it. She trudged out to the living room where Angel was protesting, “It’s not what you think. We crawled through the window for old time’s sake.”

“What? What old times?” Hank shouted.

“They’re just friends dad,” Buffy said wearily as she came up behind Spike and Angel.

“Just go back to bed, I’ll get rid of these guys.”

Hank wasn’t at all sure about this but he acquiesced and went back to his room. No sooner was he gone than Dawn came barreling down the hall, stake in hand.

“Stay back,” she commanded. “Buffy are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine Dawn. Put down the stake. They’re not evil.”

“Are you sure? Cause sometimes they seem nice, but really they’re evil,” Dawn said eyeing both vamps.

“I’m sure. See, Angel’s not wearing eye liner. Dead give away.”

Dawn tucked the stake into her waist band and crossed her arms. “So, what brings you here?”

“Just visiting,” Angel replied, holding up his hands. “Why does everyone assume I’m evil when I stop by?”

“Cause we have memories?” Dawn offered.

“But I didn’t really do anything to you,” Angel protested.

“You strangled my puppy,” Dawn replied incredulously.

“There was no puppy. That wasn’t real,” Angel protested. “I have enough to feel guilty about without the stuff a bunch of monks attributed to me.”

Buffy caught Dawn’s wince at the ‘not real’ comment and stepped forward, eyes blazing. “Ok, everyone out.”

“The thing is,” Hank said, coming back into the room. “I don’t think it sets a good example for Dawn – you having men climb in your room at all hours.”

“Yeah,” Spike said, smile forming on his face. “You’re corrupting her innocent young mind. Hussy.”

“What? You’re not funny,” Dawn hissed.

“I don’t think it sets a bad example at all,” Angel protested and turned to face Hank. “The situation’s all-“

Buffy didn’t wait to find out what the situation was. She walked back to her room, crossed floor, and climbed out the window.

Meanwhile, Dawn continued to berate Spike. “I was kidding,” he protested as Hank and Angel debated Buffy’s parenting skills.

The cold air was nice and the silence – divine. Buffy walked quickly to the nearest cemetery, grabbed a branch, and began her hunt.

Across town Faith and Giles sat in the car outside Olivia’s house.

“You got your panic button?” Faith asked.

“Yes,” Giles replied.

“Knife?”

“Check.”

“Alright. You go have fun with your psycho girlfriend. I’ve got your back,” Faith said as she pulled out a comic book.

“She’s not a psycho. She was merely going through a hard time.”

“How come no one makes that excuse for me?” Faith said. turning to look at him.

“Actually, we do,” Giles answered.

“Well maybe you shouldn’t,” Faith replied.

“Of course we should,” Giles replied. “I would think you of all people would appreciate the importance of forgiveness, the- the human capacity for redemption.”

Faith shrugged and returned to her comic book. “Ok Billy Graham. Have fun. Try not to get drugged.”

“Where’s Buffy?” Dawn finally asked after ten minutes of listening to the boys bicker.

Angel, Spike and Hank looked around the room.

“Buffy!” Spike called out and rushed into her room. The others followed immediately after.

“Where’d she go?” Dawn asked, a note of panic entering her voice.

“She’s probably just out hunting,” Angel said reassuringly.

Everyone turned to look at Hank.

“-for bargains,” Angel added.

“At midnight?” Hank asked.

“British people are weird,” Dawn replied. “They have rummage sales at all hours.”

“I don’t know,” Hank replied. “I think I should go look for her. I think maybe I hurt her feelings.”

“Great,” Spike agreed. There was no sign of a struggle. He was sure Buffy had just gotten a bit nauseous from Angel’s hair gel and went out for some air. “You do that. I’ll get some shut eye.”

“Spike,” Angel said warningly. “Don’t you think we should help?”

“Why? Buffy can ‘bargain hunt’ on her own.”

“Yes, but Hank might ‘get lost’,” Angel replied.

“Oh. Alright,” Spike agreed.

Two hours later Buffy returned, not so much triumphant as annoyed. The slaying hadn’t been as satisfying as she’d hoped. So now, in addition to being so pissed off at the men in her life that she was contemplating switching teams, she was covered in purple slime.

As soon as she came through the door Dawn rushed forward to hug her, but stopped short as she caught a whiff of the blood.

“What’s that?”

“Slimy purple ooze. Want some?” Buffy said, wiping a glob off her arm and offering it to Dawn.

“No thanks.”

“Are dad and the guys asleep?” Buffy asked hopefully.

“No, they went out looking for you a couple hours ago.”

Buffy took a deep breath. “Great,” she muttered and turned to walk out the door.

“Where are you going?” Dawn asked.

Buffy turned back to face her. “To let them know I’m alright.”

Dawn grinned slyly. “Why?”

Buffy smiled back. “Excellent question,” she replied and shut the door.

“So, you both dated her,” Hank said looking from vamp to vamp.

“Well she didn’t so much ‘date’ Spike,” Angel clarified.

“And her thing with Angel was more puppy love,” Spike added.

“At least it was love,” Angel countered.

Spike was formulating a eunuch jab when he felt it – the presence of another vamp.

“Hey,” Angel said, picking up on it too. “Uh Hank – why don’t you go check behind that building? Maybe there’s an alley.”

“Ok,” Hank replied. He was more than a little confused but he didn’t want to seem afraid so he walked toward the alley.

Angel and Spike unconsciously maneuvered so they were back to back and looked into the night.

“How many do you think?” Spike asked.

“At least ten,” Angel replied.

“We can take ten.”

“Yeah, be nice if we had Buffy though,” Angel replied.

“In so many ways mate.”

“And what was that hussy comment? Like secretly I’m out there doing the entire football team?” Buffy said, taking another bite of ice cream.

“Even if you are – that’s not nearly as bad as slaughtering an entire football team,” Dawn said.

“Amen.”

“I think he was trying to be funny,” Dawn offered, though she wasn’t entirely comfortable defending Spike.

“Men suck,” was Buffy’s only reply.

“Tell me about it,” Willow said as she entered the kitchen. “My dad called – he won’t be able to make it. Cause why? Cause one of his rats got sick.”

“Ouch,” Dawn replied.

“Yeah,” Willow said, grabbing a bowl and digging into the ice cream. “What’s up with you?”

“My dad thinks I’m incompetent. Angel still thinks breaking and entering is a romantic gesture and Spike’s gone back to showing his affection with insults.”

“At least he isn’t showing it with a cattle prod.”

“Small mercies,” Buffy agreed. “And another thing,” she added, anger rising anew. “Where does Mr. Dead Beat get off questioning the example I’m setting?”

“True dat,” Dawn agreed and continued through a mouth full of ice cream, “I love you so much better than I love him.”

“Aw that’s sweet,” Buffy replied.

“I think we should evict the lot of them,” Xander announced as he entered the kitchen.

“Parent’s fighting?” Willow asked.

“Hard to tell over the racket those chimpanzees are making,” Xander answered and grabbed a bowl. He was about to continue when he saw a face that never failed to strike fear in his heart – Sleep deprived Anya.

“What the hell is wrong with those people?” she bellowed as she plodded in and collapsed against the counter. “Were all of you raised by wolves?”

“I think so,” Xander said. “Maybe orangutans – we’ll have to wait for the DNA results to come back. Ice cream?”

“Thanks,” Anya replied. “It’s like a Dickens novel in here. All of your parents are awful.”

“Our dad’s not so bad,” Dawn protested.

“He’s the worst of the lot. He plays the charming good guy but deep down he cares more about himself then he ever did about you. No wonder you’re all so screwed up.”

“And I suppose your parents were perfect?” Dawn retorted.

Anya shrugged. “I don’t remember,” she said disinterestedly.

“How can you not remember your parents?” Willow asked.

“See how much you remember a thousand years from now,” Anya replied defensively.

“Yeah but they were your parents.”

“I understand that and I’m saying ELEVEN HUNDRED years,” Anya repeated patiently. “You can’t even conceive of how long that is.”

“Not nearly as long as a night with my folks,” Xander said.

“True,” Anya replied. “Times like this, I’m grateful for the whole abandonment at the altar thing.”

“You’re welcome.”

“What time is it?” Buffy suddenly interjected.

“Two,” Dawn answered.

“Crap.”

“What?”

“They’ve been gone too long. I should go find them,” she said and hurried out the door.

“Who’s they?” Xander asked.

“Dad, Spike and Angel.”

“Fun mix. Sure to end well.”

“Yeah,” Dawn replied.

Giles and Olivia stood at her front door and embraced like friends parting after a pleasant evening, like there was nothing between them, no dead child, no murder attempt. Faith watched on in bewilderment. Killing the guy who smothered your kid- that she got. Despite how extremely annoyed she was with the lot of them most days – someone touched one of her slayers – she’d hunt them down. And Giles killing the kid to save who knows how many people, made a certain sense. It was their relationship she didn’t get.

“How can you two even look at each other?” she asked as soon as Giles opened the car door.

“Hello Faith,” Giles replied and sat down.

“So?”

Giles looked at her and replied. “It’s hard.”

“That’s it?”

“No of course – look, this isn’t really any of your business and I’m not in the mood to take moral superiority from a murderer.”

“I’m not- Fine,” Faith replied and started up the car.

As Xander walked down the hall he became aware of faint sobs coming from his apartment. At first he thought it was one of Cynthia’s tricks. He pushed he door open, threats of exorcism on the tip of his tongue, but it wasn’t Cynthia. It was his mother. She sat on the couch, shoulders hunched. She looked so small – like a child.

“Mom?” he said quietly.

Rebecca looked up at him and said. “I want a divorce.”

“What?” Xander replied. “Mom, what happened?” he said as he hurried to her side.

“Please don’t make me go back home with him,” she said, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Mom, no. I-,” Xander said and put his arms around her. “You don’t have to go anywhere.”

“He’ll be angry.”

“I’ll take care of it,” Xander replied. He didn’t know what else to say. How many times had he protected his friends, risked his life for strangers while his mother was so miserable? “I didn’t know,” he finally said. “I mean– I knew. I just– I’m sorry.”

“I can’t find them,” Buffy said, trying to catch her breath.

“What?”

“I looked everywhere. Oh God. I should have gone sooner. They’re dead. Dad is in a ditch bleeding and Spike and Angel are big piles of dust.”

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” Dawn replied. “They probably got lost.”

“Spike grew up here,” Buffy replied.

“But that was years ago,” Dawn countered. “And none of them are the type to ask for directions. Don’t worry. All the slayers are out looking for them. We’ll find them.”

“Buffy,” Rona exclaimed as she burst into the room.

“What?”

“We found them. There’s a nest. They’ve got Spike, Angel and your dad.”

Buffy’s face lit up. She was so overjoyed she reached out to hug Rona.

“Uhuh,” Rona replied, stepping back.

“Right. You, Vi, Caridad and Chao An are with me,” Buffy said. “Assuming you don’t have a problem helping them.”

Rona shrugged. “Nah, not like I got anything better to do.”

“That was embarrassing,” Spike said.

“For you maybe, I fought just fine,” Angel replied.

“Yeah, that’s why you’re chained to a cave wall.”

“I’m not the only one.”

“But you’re the only one who’s at fault,” Spike said.

“It was your stupid idea to come here in the first place.”

“And you just had to tag along – so afraid Buffy and I might-“

Angel turned as far as the chains would allow and glared at Spike. “She would never touch you and you know it.”

“Least she can touch me.”

“ENOUGH!”

Both vamps turned in the direction of the shout. A well dressed vampire walked into the cave.

“Raoul,” Angel said. “What do you want?”

Raoul grinned and raked his eyes over Spike and Angel.

“You know me – I just like to see you all tied up,” he replied.

“Great, you’ve seen us. Now what?”

“Now we wait for the slayer to come to the rescue and we kill her,” Raoul said menacingly.

Angel and Spike burst out laughing.

“What? What?” Raoul said, checking his hair.

“Nothing mate. Great plan,” Spike said with a faux appreciative nod.

“You think I can’t kill a slayer?”

“Better beasts than you have tried,” Angel replied.

“Well you know what they say – it only takes one good day.”

“Not for you,” Spike replied. “She won’t come for us. She’s pissed as hell.”

“Maybe she won’t come for you, but she’ll come for him,” Raoul said and stepped aside to reveal Hank. “And if she doesn’t – hey I still get a meal out of it.”

Hank looked from Raoul to Spike and Angel. “What the hell is going on?”

“Now this is something that’s always fascinated me,” Sylvia said, leaning over the breakfast table. “How does your generation feel about labels like ‘Butch’ and ‘Fem’?”

Fred tried to think of an answer, but Willow was having none of it.

“Stop it,” she exclaimed.

“What?”

“That’s the fifth time you’ve made reference to my sexuality in the last two days.”

“Well,” Sylvia said, quite taken aback by the outburst. “It’s an important part of who you are.”

“Yes, but it’s not all I am and it’s not all Fred is,” Willow said, pointing at her. “She’s a physicist. She’s brilliant. And she likes Blue’s Clues and my favorite band is not the Indigo Girls, it’s the Strokes and I’m-“ Willow said flapping her arms slightly. She gathered her thoughts before continuing. “I’m not what I like or what I read or who I sleep with. I’m Willow.”

Silvia sat in silence for a moment. She didn’t know what to say so she just murmured, “I’m sorry.”

Willow, true to form, immediately felt guilty. “I didn’t mean to-“

“No, I – I shouldn’t,” Sylvia faltered and looked down. “I don’t know how to do this.”

“It’s easy,” Willow said. “Just talk to me like I’m a person.”

Sylvia looked up at Willow and repeated, more earnest this time. “I don’t know how.”

Willow didn’t know what to say. She racked her memory. Had her mother ever had friends? Not colleagues, just friends? She couldn’t remember any. Suddenly her mother’s life seemed so sad and lonely.

“Ok,” Fred said. “I’ll start. Why do you wear that broach?”

Sylvia’s hand reached up to straighten the inlayed bird on her jacket.

“My mother gave it to me.”

“Does it make you think of her?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because,” Sylvia shrugged. “She gave it to me.”

“Come on,” Fred cajoled. “You can do better that that.”

“She was thin, like Willow, bird like.”

“Do you miss her?” Fred asked.

Sylvia turned to look at Willow and replied, “I’m not sure I really knew her, but yes, I miss her.”

The clash of mental and roars of vampires dusting finally died down and both vamps watched the entrance expectantly. Buffy entered, spotted them and walked over to stand before them, eyes furious.

“Hello pet, we’re so glad to-“ Spike began.

“Do have any idea how I spent my night?” Buffy demanded.

“Shoe shopping?”

“First I looked for you,” she said, raising the scythe to take a swing at Angel’s chains, “Then I looked for you,” she said and slammed down. “Then I panicked and looked for you again,” she continued, delivering another blow. “Then I saw a pile of dust, started weeping in the middle of the street and commenced looking again.” With a final swing she freed Angel.

“Oh, I get it,” Spike said, turning to Angel. “She isn’t really angry at us, she was just worried, she does this all the time with Dawn.” He turned to address Buffy. “Now I know you like the chained look, love, but we have got a set at home,” he finished, smirking at Angel.

“No,” Buffy replied and raised the scythe again. “Mainly,” Whack. “I’m just angry,” Whack. “that you got my father kidnapped by a vampire cult!” She smashed through Spike’s chains and whirled around to lead them out but stopped short at the sight of her father.

“Vampire cult?” Hank said.

“No,” Buffy replied but didn’t have anything to follow it up with, so she just stood there, scythe in hand.

“Those guys think they’re vampires?”

“Yes, yes. That’s exactly right,” Buffy said. “British people – whacky. Let’s go.”

They were walking toward the exit when Raoul entered with ten more vamps.

“Slayer, I’m disappointed, you saving vamps, not very heroic. You should be killing them.”

“If you insist,” she said, walking toward him. “Spike.”

“Got it.” Spike said, moving to stand between Hank and the vamps.

“Get ‘em,” Raoul yelled.

Spike, Angel, and Buffy each fought quickly and precisely, taking out the vamps in no time. Soon only Raoul and a cowering minion were left. Buffy pinned Raoul to a wall and raised the stake end of the scythe.

“Wait!” Spike yelled.

Buffy turned to him. “What?”

Spike grabbed the remaining vamp and said, “There are no good days. This is what happens when you attack the slayer. Every time. No fail. Understand?”

The vamp nodded furiously and Spike shoved him toward the exit. “Go ahead love.”

She drove the point home and Raoul dissolved into a pile of dust, a normal enough sight for Buffy, Spike and Angel, but for Hank it was somewhat alarming.

“What the hell is? What? I…” he tapered off and just gestured at the piles of dust. “I’m so confused.”

“I,” Rebecca said, trembling. “I’m not going back with you.”

“What?” Harry replied.

“Xander,” Rebecca said, resolve crumbling.

“It’s ok,” Xander said and moved to stand in front of her. “She wants a divorce. I got her a lawyer. She’s staying here.”

“What? Why? I-“ Harry stammered. “We’re- she’s my wife. I love her.”

“Then you should have treated her better.”

“Treated? I never hurt her. What did she tell you?” Harry said, taking a few steps forward.

“I know you didn’t hit her, but you hurt her and it stops now.”

“Alexander Harris,” Harry said warningly.

Xander answered back forcefully. “Harrison Harris, this isn’t a discussion. This is my house. Leave now.”

“Listen,” Harry said, backing down a bit. “Can we just talk?” he said, looking past Xander to Rebecca.

“No,” Xander said. “Got something to say? Write a letter. Right now you have to leave.”

Harry looked at his son as if he were a stranger. He couldn’t put his finger on why, but he was suddenly sure he hadn’t lost the eye in an accident. “Alright. I’ll write a letter,” he said and picked up his bags. “Rebecca—I’m sorry.”

Rebecca and Xander watched him leave and turned to each other.

“It’s over,” Xander said.

“No,” Rebecca replied, the worry easing off her face. “It’s not over.”

Meanwhile in Buffy and Dawn’s apartment the girls were staring at the door to Hank’s room.

“He knows?” Dawn asked.

“Just enough to make him really confused.”

“You should go explain,” Dawn said.

“True,” Buffy replied but made no move.

“Are you gonna tell him about me?” Dawn asked.

“Huh?”

“You know, that I’m not really his?”

“Oh, right. Do you want me to?” Buffy said, turning toward her.

“No, I kinda like having someone who doesn’t think I’m a freak, even if he is a totally negligent lame-o.”

“Ok,” Buffy said but still she made no move to open the door.

“Prolonging it will only make it harder.”

“Yes, but it will make it harder later and easier now,” Buffy pointed out.

Dawn gave her a shove. “It’ll be fine. Holler if you need anything. And Buffy.”

“What?”

“Leave the scythe.”

“Hey Dad,” Buffy said as she entered the guest room.

“You know, this is a pretty nice place,” Hank replied.

Buffy was a little taken aback. He’d just witnessed a man disintegrate but he wanted to talk décor? “Thanks.”

“A little sparse, but I suppose you lost a lot in the….”

Buffy narrowed her eyes. “In the what?” she asked.

“You know the – disaster.”

“What exactly do you think happened to Sunnydale?”

Hank shrugged. “Earthquake.”

“That just swallowed that one town?”

“I guess, I don’t know much about that stuff. Why do you ask?”

“I- Well, I’m just trying to introduce the idea that, maybe, there are things we think we understand but actually it’s another thing altogether.”

“Buffy what are you talking about?”

“For example, maybe that cult didn’t think they were vampires so much as they really were vampires. And maybe their disappearance wasn’t a trick of the light. For example,” Buffy said slowly, trying to gauge Hank’s reaction.

“Oh God, it’s happening again. You’ve had a relapse. Oh sweetheart don’t worry,” Hank said, rushing forward. “We are going to get you the best care.”

“No,” Buffy said panicking slightly and pulling back out of his reach. “No, no care. No. This is real. This is my life. Monsters exist and I fight them. Watch.” She walked to the coffee table, kicked it up into the air and as it came down, neatly kicked it in half.

“Ok, that’s very impressive dear, but-“

“Impressive? That’s solid oak. Ok, here SPIKE,” she yelled.

“Honey, he’s all the way downstairs.”

“What, what’s wrong?” Spike asked as he burst into the room.

“Do the face.”

He cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow.

“No, not that face, the grr face.”

“Oh right,” he said and vamped out.

Hank recoiled and stuttered “It-It’s a trick.”

“Yeah I’ve got this other trick where I can take three bullets in the chest and walk away, wanna see?”

“Spike,” Buffy said wearily.

“What, I’m helping.”

“I’m so confused.”

“What’s confusing? Your daughter’s the slayer; she’s saved the world more times than you’ve visited your kids. You should be proud,” Spike said. “Of her, not you,” he added.

“You’re like a- a super hero?”

“Uhuh. Wanna see me bend steel?” Buffy asked lamely.

Hank nodded a few times. “I have to go,” he finally said and walked toward the door.

Buffy reached out to grab his arm but he jerked away from her touch.

“Dad please,” she said, but he slammed the door and she could hear him sprinting down the stairs.

“Wanna see me bend steel? Could I be any lamer?” Buffy said dejectedly.

Spike tentatively put a hand on her shoulder.

“You did fine. He’ll come around.”

Angel stood by the front door waiting for Hank to panic and bolt down the stairs. While he waited, he brooded. It hadn’t escaped his notice that it was Spike’s name Buffy had called. Nor had it escaped his notice that it was Spike she chose to guard her father in the fight, nor the way they’d fallen into an easy banter as soon as they saw each other. Maybe it was just familiarity. She and Spike had spent a lot of time together over the last few years. Maybe it was just that. Or maybe there was more to their relationship than he had wanted to admit. Angel was still brooding when Hank came hurtling down the stairs.

Hank halted in his tracks and eyed Angel.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Angel said.

“Ok,” Hank replied. “Then move away from the door.”

Angel shook his head. “Not going to do that either.”

“This is insane. You’re all insane,” Hank said.

“You know that’s not true,” Angel replied. “Buffy is-“

“Buffy’s crazy. She needs help.”

“No,” Angel said forcefully. “And if you try to have her put away or take Dawn from her I will destroy you.”

“What happened to not hurting me?” Hank asked.

Angel shrugged. “It was an idea. Don’t push me.”

“But she needs help, guidance.”

“No she doesn’t. She’s wiser and stronger than you can comprehend. We have to respect her choices.”

“Choices? What choices?” Hank said “She chose to be this slayer thing?”

“No, nothing,” Angel replied. “My stuff. Just go back upstairs.”

“But-“

“Now.”

“Faith,” Giles called out over the sound of her punches.

Faith stopped hitting the punching bag and turned to him. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry I was short with you earlier.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it. None of my business.”

“No. But you were kind enough to act as my body guard and I was rude and I apologize.”

“Apology accepted. Hey – you busy tonight?”

“No,” Giles said warily.

“Up for a little watchin’?”

Giles eyed Faith.

“Nothing pervy,” Faith added. “Sheesh. One track mind much?”

“My mind was never near that track.”

“Uhuh,” Faith replied, then looked down nervously. “I just thought we could go cruise the cemeteries, get some good old fashioned slaying in – maybe on a regular basis.”

Giles looked at her for a moment. “Are you asking me to be your watcher?”

Faith shrugged. “Maybe. I mean – I never really had one and now I am one and I think it’d be good to have someone to…,” Faith trailed off and looked down at her hands.

“To keep you in line?” Giles asked.

Faith nodded. She looked up and said simply, “People don’t change. I know you think they do but- If you knew the things that go through this head… I’m not Buffy.”

“I know,” Giles said, meeting her gaze. “I know who you are and what you’re capable of and I’d be honored to be your watcher.”

Buffy was sitting in his bed when Hank returned.

“Hey,” she said, looking up at him anxiously.

“Hello,” Hank replied. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

“It’s ok,” Buffy said quickly. “Everyone freaks out at first.”

Hank sat next to her on the bed and looked at her hands. How strong was she exactly? Could she break his neck?

“Did Angel threaten you?” Buffy said, interrupting his thoughts.

“Just a little,” Hank replied. “I was going to come back anyway,” he added. “I just needed a minute.”

“I get that.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“So I have a question,” Hank finally said.

“Yeah?”

“Angel and Spike. What exactly did you see in them?”

Buffy smiled in relief. At least it was an easy one. “Well, Spike’s got those cheek bones and Angel’s got the cool hair – so.”

Hank laughed and nodded, “Can’t argue with that.”

“When they’re not bickering, they’re actually two of the most amazing men I’ve ever met.”

“They stop bickering?”

“Yeah, when they’re apart.”

“Ah. So, if they’re so amazing why’d you break up with them?”

Buffy smiled. It was such a dad thing – to assume she was the one who did the leaving. Because what man would dump a girl as pretty as his?

“It’s complicated. Right now is just not a good time for relationships. I kinda have this tendency to let myself be completely subsumed by the guy I’m with.”

“That doesn’t sound like you.”

“Well it is. I get like totally obsessed. I dated a soldier once – so of course I joined the army.”

“You what? When did you- How do I not know these things?”

“See my point?”

“Yes. Actually, I think you might get that from me.”

“Really?”

“I um,” Hank said, a little embarrassed. “I was a business major, you know. When I met your mother I switched my major to Fine Arts.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep – specializing in ceramics. Only lasted a semester – but still.”

“Like father like daughter.”

“No,” Hank said, shaking his head. “In every way that matters you’re nothing like me and I couldn’t be more proud.”

“You only say that cause you don’t have to live with her,” Dawn quipped from the doorway.

“I’m sure it’s an ordeal,” Hank said and gestured for her to sit beside him. “So, got any startling super power revelations?” he joked.

Dawn glanced at him and smiled weakly.

Hank tried to smile back, “What? You can fly?”

“No, nothing that cool. I’m not-“

“What?” Hank asked a little apprehensively.

“I’m not allergic to anything. Super, huh? And – pretty rare,” Dawn said with a nod.

Hank smiled in relief. “I’m very impressed. Come here.”

He pulled her into a hug and she held on tight. “Nothing freaky about me,” she whispered, and sitting there in her father’s arms, she believed it.

A few days later all the parents, save Rebecca, were safely on their way to their respective homes, leaving the Scoobies with just two extra house guests.

“So, you enjoy your visit?” Buffy asked as she entered Spike’s room.

Spike stopped shoving stolen souvenirs into his bag and looked up. “Oh just fine, right peaceful,” he replied. “Tell me, why is it that whenever you’re around I end up tied up and captive?”

Buffy shrugged. “It’s a metaphor.”

Spike looked at her quizzically. “For kinky bondage fun?”

Buffy smiled. “No, for the way I make you tangled up and miserable.”

“You don’t make me miserable.”

Buffy raised her eyebrows in response.

“Ok, sometimes. But it’s worth it.”

“Really?” she asked, trying to suppress a smile.

Spike eyed her. Was she happy? Happy that he liked her? Did that mean she’d be happy to hear about his undying love? Probably not. Better to leave things as they stood. “Really,” he answered as he zipped up his bag. “Suppose I should go say goodbye to the super friends.

“Buffy nodded and forced a smile. “Of course you have your new life to get back to.”

When Buffy and Spike walked into the library Willow was explaining the Cemtaur sitch to Angel. “We can’t find much about him in the books,” she said. “All we really know is that he’s called Cemtaur, he’s powerful, and he’s pissed.”

“You’re joking. Taury’s your big bad?” Spike exclaimed.

“Yeah – you know him?” Buffy asked.

“Know him, I almost employed him.”

“Spike, as cute as it is, we really don’t have time for your self important posturing,” Xander said.

“Cute?” Spike asked in reply. “As in attractive?”

“As in insipid.”

“What? I’m telling the truth. When I went after my first slayer he offered to help.”

“How?”

“Dunno. He clamed he could weaken her somehow. Didn’t seem very sportsmanlike so I passed.”

“Great,” Willow said. “New source of intel.”

“But, alas we’re on the next flight,” Angel replied. “He’ll call you from LA.”

“Couldn’t you stay just a couple more days?” Buffy asked.

“Well, it’s just that here’s so much to do at the firm-”Angel started to reply.

But Spike jumped in with, “I can stay.”

“Great,” Angel muttered. “First Fred…Hey, can I interest you in a secretary? Types thirteen words a minute and makes a mean cup of blood.”

Buffy ignored the offer. “Well I don’t want to cause problems at the firm,” she said. “I’m sure we can question him by phone.”

Angel looked from Spike to Buffy and replied, “Nah, it’ll be nice to have him out of my hair for a while.”

“It’s all settled then,” Buffy said, smiling nervously at Spike. “You’ll stay here – for a while. As long as need be, I should… train.”