Chapter 11:
Buffy woke slowly, her limbs heavily dug into the soft mattress, her bare body covered only by a thin white sheet. She was opening her eyes when she felt someone cover her with a thicker blanket, followed by soft lips coating her shoulder with kisses. Buffy spun around and smiled sleepily up at Spike, murmering, "Good morning."

"Good morning to you too, sweetheart." He brushed his hand through her silky golden hair and whispered, "You look lovely."

"Why are you dressed?" Buffy asked with a frown, scowling down at the suit he was wearing. "Clothes aren't allowed."

Chuckling, he kissed her on the forehead and explained gently, "I have to go into work, my secretary just called."

"Secretary?" Buffy glared at him and asked, envy rich in her tone, "Is she pretty?"

Spike smiled and said laughingly, "It's a he, sweetheart."

"Oh. Well.. anyway.. work isn't allowed either." She pouted and ran her hand down his chest, fiddling with his tie playfully. "I want you here with me."

"I'll be back by this evening." He noticed the shock on her face and explained, "I have a bunch of meetings."

"I don't like you when you're human." Buffy grumbled and turned away from him, burying her face in his pillow.

"If I weren't human I wouldn't have Jacob." Spike pointed out as he pulled her into his arms and kissed her softly, adding, "And I mightn't have gotten you pregnant last night."

"Do you think you did?" Buffy asked hopefully, smiling down at her flat belly curiously.

"I hope so." Spike kissed her on the cheek and said sadly, "I have to get going now. But you just stay here and do what you please.. Dawn said she'll take Jacob for the day and--"

"Whoa!" Buffy put her hands on his chest to steady herself as she got up and insisted, "I'll take Jacob."

"You don't have to do that, pet."

"I want to." She smiled at him and promised, "I'll take him out and we'll have lots of fun."

"Alright. Why don't you get dressed quickly and we'll share a cab in that direction?"

"Okay." Buffy rushed into the bathroom and grabbed her clothes quickly, holding her hand over her stomach all the way.. just in case.

*

"No way! Spike asked me to take him." Dawn scowled at Buffy as she scooped Jacob up and kissed him on the cheek. "You can't just stomp in here and steal him from me."

Ignoring Dawn completely, Buffy smiled at Jacob and announced, "Your daddy's at work today, so I thought you and I could go and have some fun around the city. Huh?"

Jacob nodded ecstatically, a huge grin on his face. Buffy planted a kiss on his forehead and said gently, "I'll just go get dressed. You keep watching Spidey, honey."

She watched as Jacob rushed back to the TV and went into her room, closely followed by her sister.

"Did Amy get off to school okay?" Buffy asked Dawn over her shoulder as she dug through her wardrobe.

"Yeah, she wore the special dress Spike bought her." Dawn smiled and asked Buffy curiously, "How were things with Spike?"

"Wonderful." Buffy paused as she grabbed a dress and turned to Dawn, admitting, "We're trying to get pregnant."

"Again? Do you want a whole zoo of kids or something?"

Buffy shrugged and said quietly, a proud smile painted on her face, "We want a big happy family. That's all."

"You're staying in the city, right?" Dawn asked worriedly. "I mean, you aren't moving to Conneticut to become all cheesy and boring, are you?"

"Nah, I don't see us like that." Buffy shrugged and admitted, "Maybe we should get a bigger apartment together, though. Spike's is great, but it only has two bedrooms.. and I can't see Jacob and Amy and a screaming baby all squished up in one little room."

"Amy and Jacob get along great." Dawn smiled and gushed, "Jacob drew this gorgeous picture. You have to see it."

Dawn rushed from the room and returned a moment later, thrusting a piece of paper at Buffy. She took it and studied it, a smile growing on her face slowly. It was hard to decipher all the crayon scribbles, but after a while, she identified the stick figures in the centre of the page. One was obviously Spike, with bright blonde hair, and next to him was Jacob's interpretation of Buffy, with long honey blonde hair that tumbled to her ankles. On stick-figure Spike's other side stood what was clearly Amy, with bright blue eyes and a sticky red smile, dressed in pink from head to toe. And towering above them all was a blur of blue and red, a huge image of Spiderman with a five-legged black spider in the centre of his chest.

Scrawled at the top of the page in bright green crayon were the wobbly letters spelling out, big happy family.

"I helped him write that." Dawn piped up, watching as Buffy clutched the drawing to her chest and blinked back tears. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." Buffy set the drawing down and pulled the dress she'd chosen over her head, letting a few tears spill as she fabric washed over her, concealing her from Dawn for a moment. She emerged with a smile and suggested, "Why don't you make sure Jacob has his stuff packed and his shoes on? I'm going to take him out all around the city."

"Okay." Dawn left the room and Buffy collapsed down onto the bed, gazing down at the picture in awe. She took it and set it carefully on her beside table so it was propped up against her lap, where she could easily see it.

"Buffy Buffy Buffy Buffy!" Jacob cried, running into the room to hug her. He was only tall enough to wrap his arms around her legs, but Buffy scooped him up and hugged him fiercely, planting a kiss to the top of his head.

She smiled and bumped her nose against his affectionately, and announced, "Let's go have fun."

*

"Hey. Can I come in?"

Spike looked up from his computer and smiled. "Sure, Nibblet. Make yourself cozy."

She slumped down into one of the chairs facing him and sighed. "Buffy stole Jacob from me. And Amy's at school.. so I thought I'd visit. It's okay, right? I called and your secretary said you didn't have a meeting 'til one."

"It's fine, Bit." Spike turned away from the computer, clicking the monitor off, and smiled at her. "How are you?"

"Great. The kids were so much fun last night." Dawn pulled her handbag into her lap and pulled out a scrapbook, coated in yellow contact, and handed it to him. "This is for you."

"What is it?" Spike asked curiously, turning it over in his hands.

"Well.. ever since Amy was born I've been the official babysitter, and whenever I looked after her, I got her to draw in that book for me. There's pictures in there from when she was like one year old.. up until now." Dawn took it and flipped through it, displaying the colourful pages to him. "I want you to have it. I always knew I was saving it for something.. and I thought it was for Amy, so she could look back on it.. but I think you should have it."

Spike turned the pages slowly, and it was as though he were watching Amy grow up right before him. The pictures turned from scribbles of colour to stick figures, and then to more detailed people, with heart-shaped lips and glittering eyes. There were pictures of flowers, the ocean, starlit skies, with familiar people surrounding these scenes. There was Xander, Willow, Dawn, and Buffy, and in some of the newer pictures, Spike realized Amy had featured him and Jacob quite regularily.

"She can't stop talking about you." Dawn said softly, leaning across his desk to look at the picture he was staring at. Amy was wearing her new dress, and she was holding Spike's hand and laughing into the sunny sky.

"Really?" Spike smiled, warming from head to toe at the idea of it.

"She's crazy about you and Jacob." Dawn murmered and queried, "When are you gonna tell her that.. well, you know..?"

Spike frowned and leaned back in his seat, his eyes still trained on the pictures in front of him as he muttered, "I don't know. I mean.. how do you tell a kid that?"

Dawn shrugged and said gently, "I think she'll be happy. I mean.. you didn't think Buffy would be happy to know you were back, but look at you guys now. It's like you're not even you guys.. I mean, you are.. you look the same, and talk the same, and act the same.. but it's like you're different. It's like you've forgotten you've both died twice and that you've broken each other's hearts. It's like you've just gotten over all that and realized you're meant to be together."

Spike smiled and agreed quietly, "Yeah."

"Isn't it hard?" She wondered, chewing on her lip nervously.

He paused and thought it over for a moment, then admitted with a shake of his head, "Not really, Bit. I guess it's like when I decided to have a kid.. I knew if I didn't do it then, I wouldn't ever do it.. and I was so bloody lucky with Jacob. I just know if me and Buffy aren't over all that bollocks now, we never will be.. but we are, and it feels fantastic."

*

"Okay, Jacob! Stop running." Buffy groaned and hurried after him, just managing to grab him as he reached the corner. She pulled him into her arms and scolded, "Don't run ahead of me, okay?"

"Will daddy be home when we get there?" Jacob asked excitedly, staring at the lights as they waited for the pedestrian one to flash green.

"Hope so." Buffy smiled at him and they crossed the road quickly. She set him down but held his hand tightly as they reached the other side of the road. "Daddy will love to see all your new toys."

She instantly regretted her words. With a squeal of joy, Jacob ran ahead, ecstatic at the idea of seeing Spike again and boasting all his new purchases.

"JACOB!" Buffy shouted as he got too far ahead. They'd almost reached the apartment block, but she hated the thought of someone whisking the running boy up into their arms and escaping with him. "JACOB!!"

He was halfway up the steps to the building when she screamed out his name again and he spun around. Somehow Jacob lost his footing and slipped down to the sidewalk, his face striking the concrete hard.

Everything fell silent for a moment as the boy lifted his head and stared up at Buffy in shock. She grabbed him up into his arms and hugged him, but it did nothing to soothe him. Jacob wailed loudly, screeching in agony as blood poured from his nose and the grazes on his cheeks.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god." Buffy rushed up the steps and made way for the lift, staring in horror at the blood coating Jacob's tiny face. She kissed him on the forehead, pleading as he wept, "Jacob, come on, honey. It's okay. Come on.. brave boys don't cry. It's just a few little cuts."

As they reached Spike's apartment Buffy could barely contain her own tears. Jacob was crying loudly, blood pouring from his nose as though it were a faucet. She carried him into the apartment and set him down on the kitchen counter, grabbing at paper towels as Jacob wails reached an intolerable pitch.

"Jacob, be QUIET!" Buffy snapped, and again an eerie silence rained.

He stared at her, his blood-stained lip wobbling in protest. Buffy felt guilt swarm through her and was about to kiss him and reassure him when Spike's voice rose from behind her.

"Don't talk to him like that." He warned, stepping closer, a frown blackening his face. Spike's eyes went wide as he caught sight of Jacob and he rushed forward, sweeping the boy into his arms. Spike stared at Jacob in horror and asked Buffy in a dangerously quiet voice, "What did you do?"

She was too shocked to speak, but she knew it didn't look good. Jacob's face was coated with blood and traces of bruises forming. But it wasn't possible he thought she had done this.. right?

But Spike glared at her and growled, "What did you do?"

*

 

Chapter 12:

"He needs bloody stitches on his lip." Spike muttered as he emerged from the hospital room, glaring down at Buffy.

She stared up at him and whispered, "You don't really think I did that, do you?"

"Just tell me exactly what happened to make him bleed like that, then." He snapped, sitting down beside her on the bench, but at quite a distance. Spike refused to look at her, his eyes trained on his hands, which were stained with Jacob's blood.

"We were coming home and he kept running ahead of me." Buffy explained, a small whimper in her voice. "And he got to the steps and he tripped, alright? I didn't do anything to him. I don't know how you could think that."

"I know how I could bloody well think that!" He shouted, glowering at her. "I came home and you were shouting at my little boy, and there was blood pouring down his face!"

"I didn't do it!" Buffy screamed, hot tears spilling from her eyes. "I wouldn't hurt a hair on his head!"

"How was I meant to know that? If you'd come and seen me yelling at Amy like that, and seen her bleeding like Jacob was, you'd kill me!"

"I would not. I'd trust you." Buffy spat, staring at him in disgust. "It isn't my fault Jacob was acting the way he was."

"How was he acting, then?" Spike challenged, his face coloured deep red with fury.

"He could have gotten himself killed running away from me like that! And he would not stop screaming." Buffy put her head in her hands, aching at the mere thought of how loud the boy's cries had been.

"Kids scream all the bloody time, Buffy." Spike snapped and turned away from her. "Especially when they get hurt like that."

"You keep talking like it was my fault!"

"You should have kept a better eye on him." He muttered, standing up slowly. He glanced at Buffy and saw the tears streaking her face. Spike softened and knelt down in front of her, murmering, "I wouldn't think you'd abuse him. I just freaked out, okay, pet?"

"No, it's not okay." Buffy snatched her hand away when he tried to take it and refused to look at him. "First you act like I don't love him because he isn't mine. And now you act like I'd hurt him."

Flaring up with anger again, Spike backed away from her and hissed, "I saw you yelling, I saw the blood, and that was enough for me. Alright? He got really, really hurt."

"DADDY!" Jacob threw himself into Spike's arms as he came rushing from the hospital room and announced, "I got stitches! Look! Dr. Mills said stitches are for heroes."

"That's great, cookie." Spike kissed Jacob on the forehead and smiled. "You feel alright, then?"

Jacob nodded and grinned over at Buffy. "I got stitches, Buffy."

"Wow." She ruffled his hair affectionately and took his hand, giving it a small squeeze. "I'm glad you feel better, honey."

He reached his arms out and flung them around her neck. Buffy pulled Jacob into her arms and clung to him, burying her face in his shoulder as she stared forlornly up at Spike. He frowned back at her and muttered, "You should get home to Amy. It's late."

"You don't want me to come around?" She asked in a tiny voice, her eyes filling with tears.

The answer was already clear. As Buffy got into a seperate cab outside the hospital, Jacob waved and shouted after her, but Spike seemed to want to forget she was there at all.

*

From the moment she heard the knock on the door, Buffy felt sick with dread. The last thing she wanted was to see Spike. As the night passed by her, her tears endless, his words echoing in her mind, her misery had turned to fury. She listened intently to the voices on the other side of her bedroom wall as she dug herself deeper under the blankets.

"SPIKE!"

"Amy, looky my stitches!"

"Wow."

"Hey, princess. Where's your mum?"

"Sleeping. But she won't mind if you wake her up."

Buffy cursed her daughter for being so presumptuous and hid herself further under the blankets as her door squeaked open.

"Buffy? Sweetheart?" Spike sat down beside the lump on the bed and caressed it gently, feeling out her body and her legs slowly. He moved closer to her and murmered, "You awake, luv?"

"Yes." Buffy mumbled sullenly and crawled out from under the blanket, finding Jacob and Spike staring at her with big blue eyes. She smiled at Jacob, turning her back to Spike as she asked, "How are you, honey?"

"I got a new jacket!" Jacob announced, lifting his arms up and spinning around to show it off to her. He jumped into her arms and snuggled into her.

"And?" Spike prompted, patting Jacob on the back. "Was there something else you had to say?"

"I'm sorry for running when you said no." Jacob said softly, his eyes welling up suddenly.

"It's okay." Buffy drew him close to her and kissed him on the nose.

"Jacob, why don't you go play with Amy for a bit?" Spike suggested, smiling as the boy jumped into his arms and kissed him on the cheek. "Go on, cookie. Me and Buffy need a little while alone."

As soon as Jacob was gone, Buffy glared at Spike and hissed, "You shouldn't have come here. I'm not done hating you yet."

She turned away from him, tossing the blanket over herself again. He ran his hand down the length of her body and murmered, "That's fair.. I was completely out of line, sweetheart. I shouldn't have attacked you like that."

"Just leave me alone." Buffy muttered, yanking away from whatever touch he offered her.

"No." Spike said firmly and pulled her into his arms. He ignored the look of total hatred on her face and planted a soft kiss to her cheek, admitting softly, "I was a jerk. I know you'd never hurt Jacob.. but kitten, it just scared me so bad to see him so hurt. It breaks my heart to see him shed a single tear.. he's my son, Buffy. I love him."

"I'm well aware of that." She retorted bitterly, wrenching herself out of his arms. Buffy got out of bed and stormed into the bathroom branching off from her bedroom, quickly turning on the basin and shower faucets. She turned to glare at him as he leant against the doorframe and spat, "My problem is you seem to love him more than you love Amy."

Spike's eyes went wide and he was unable to speak. He opened and closed his mouth several times, shellshocked by her accusation, and finally spluttered, "That is bloody bollocks!"

"It is not." Buffy scoffed, regarding him with distaste as though he were completely stupid and unworthy of her attention. It stung Spike deeply and again he was rendered speechless - it was the look he had feared for years now, the look she'd worn around him for too long. When he'd told her he'd loved her. After they'd slept together the first time. When he'd called her his girl. But the pain barely had time to settle in before she started yelling again. "I know you've only just met Amy, but she's your child too. Not everything is about Jacob."

"I never said that. I love Amy just as much as I love Jacob.. and I cannot believe you're throwing this in my face." Spike spat, glowering at her. "You know, last night my little boy had to go to bloody hospital, yet all you seemed to care about was clearing your name! You didn't spend a second worrying about how he was, all that mattered was you insisting you were innocent."

"Yeah, well maybe I don't care for being labelled as a child abuser." She seethed, suddenly wishing she still had the strength, physical and emotional, to hit him. She wanted to smash him about until he couldn't breathe. As Buffy realized how very awful these thoughts were, she felt ready to crumble. But the words didn't stop flowing - all she wanted was to hurt him as much as he had her. "What I'm saying is that you don't care at all about Amy - you seem to think you can buy her with pretty dresses and dolls, when what she needed was you to be here the past six years! What she needs is a father who loves her, and doesn't place his other child up on a pedestal constantly!"

Tears welled in his eyes and he insisted, his voice cracking with the strain to keep from crying, "I do love her. Forgive me if I didn't know she existed for the past six years, Buffy. I'm not bloody psychic! Do you know how hard it is for me knowing what I've missed out on?"

Buffy remained silent, shying away suddenly as she saw how hurt he was. Spike continued, sobbing, "I love her so much. She's an amazing girl, and I can barely believe I'm lucky enough to have her as mine. But that's the problem.. she's not mine. I've only just come into her life, and I barely know her. She didn't even like me at first.. she might not even like me now, I have no idea. I don't know.. she's spent some of the most important years of her life without me, so why should she want me now? I can't just give my heart to her. I can't just love her.. because she might not give it back. I'm terrified that I'll get attatched to her and love her like I do Jacob, as my own, and she'll reject me. God knows that's what happened with you.. I loved you with all my heart and you just pushed me away."

She moved closer to him and caressed his face, brushing the tears away from his cheek. Buffy kissed him softly on the lips and wrapped her arms around him tightly, promising in a whisper, "I love you now. I know that it doesn't make up for any of what I did back then--"

"It does." He smiled and repeated, kissing her on the forehead gently, "It does, luv."

"Maybe we just need a little time apart." Buffy murmered, glancing up to see agony etched on his face. She peppered kisses over his face and whispered, "Just until we figure out what to do about Amy and Jacob. It's just going to be more complicated than we thought."

"I don't want to be apart from you." Spike said in a small whimper, clutching her hands in his. "I need you, Buffy."

"You didn't need me for the past six years." Buffy replied softly.

Spike snatched his hands away from her and snapped, "Fine, I'll leave you alone."

"Spike.. I was.. I was joking!" Buffy tried to pull him back to her but Spike wrenched away and stormed out of her room.

"Come on Jacob." Spike swept the boy up and headed for the door. He glanced at Amy, noticing the confusion on her face, and smiled at her, saying softly, "We have to be going, princess. I'll see you another time."

The door slammed behind them and Amy turned to Buffy, asking in a tiny voice, "When?"

Buffy didn't respond. She turned away from Amy and retreated to her room to cry.

*

 

Chapter 13:
Spike had just put Jacob down for a nap when his phone started ringing. Jacob let out a small mumble in his sleep, and Spike quickly ran to pick up before he woke.

"Hello?"

"Mr. Greene? It's Mike, the doorman. I'm sorry to bother you.. but there's a little girl down here asking to see you. She said she caught a cab here to see you."

"Bloody hell." Spike ran back to Jacob's room and checked to make sure the boy was still sleeping, and whispered down the phone, "I'll be down in a minute."

He tore out of the apartment, cursing as he saw the lift was just closing. The thought of Amy in any pain aching him, Spike tore down the eight flights of stairs to the lobby. He saw Amy standing with the doorman, fat tears pouring down her face, and raced towards her, sweeping the girl up into his arms.

Amy clung to him, more tears pouring from her. Spike hugged her, whispering frantically in her ear, "What is it? What's wrong?"

"Mommy said you didn't want to see us anymore." Amy hiccuped and added in a whimper, "But I still want to see you."

"I still want to see you too, princess." Spike pressed a soft kiss to her button nose and whispered, "Between you and me, your mum can be a bit silly. We did have a bit of a fight, though, so I can see why she thought it."

Amy buried her face in his chest and whispered, "I really like you."

"I really like you too, sweetheart." Spike settled her in his arms and suggested, "Why don't we go upstairs? I can fix you a chocolate milkshake.. and we can call your mum."

"She's going to be mad." Amy said in a tiny voice, hugging him tighter as they reached the lifts.

Spike smiled down at her, brushing his hand through her soft wave of butter-golden curls that fell down her back. "I think she will be, cookie. Little girls shouldn't be running off and catching cabs around the city."

"I wanted to see you." She murmered, snuggling into him as he stepped out of the lift and carried her towards his apartment. "Mommy's always talking about how she wants to see you.. so maybe she'll understand."

"Yeah, maybe. But probably not, princess. Where was she when you ran off?"

"At the grocery store." Amy giggled as his mouth dropped open and laughed, "You and mommy have the same I'm-going-to-kill-you look."

"I'm not going to kill you, princess." Spike promised as he unlocked the door and let Amy past. "Look, I'll call her up.. why don't you wait in the kitchen? Your picture book is there.. Dawn gave it to me. Maybe you could draw me a new one?"

She grinned and nodded, rushing into the kitchen as Spike grabbed the phone and dialled Buffy's cell number slowly. He followed Amy into the kitchen as it started to ring and retrieved crayons and other drawing equipment for her, setting them down before her on the table and ruffling her hair.

"Is she picking up yet?" Amy whispered, flipping the book open to the next clean page.

Spike opened his mouth to answer when Buffy picked up and screamed hysterically down the phone, "Amy, is that you?!"

"She's mad, isn't she?" Amy said sadly as she fumbled through the crayons.

"Sweetheart, calm down. Amy's here with me... no, I didn't bloody kidnap her! She caught a cab here.. she said you said I didn't want to see her anymore and it freaked her out." Spike paused and held the phone away from his ear as Buffy launched into another fit of screams. Amy started giggling and he hugged her close, smiling down at her adoringly. As the screams died down, Spike listened in again and agreed, "I'll see you then, pet. I love you."

He hung up just as Buffy started to sneer and turned to Amy. "How about that chocolate milkshake, then?"

*

"And I really want a horse but mommy says that we can't in the city." Amy pulled a face and grabbed a yellow crayon, gazing up at him with curious blue eyes. "Are horses bad in the city?"

"You wouldn't really have a place to put it, sugar." Spike said gently, glancing down at her picture. Amy instantly covered it with her hands and shook her head insistantly. He smiled and laughed, "Okay, I won't look 'til you're done."

"May I please have some more popcorn?" She asked politely, smiling up at him hopefully.

"Of course you can, sweet pea." Spike grabbed the microwave bag and emptied the last of it into the bowl sitting in front of Amy.

"Thankyou." Amy grabbed a handful and stuffed it into her mouth as she rifled through the crayons again. "Do you have dark blue?"

"Let's see." He took the box and found it quickly, handing it to her with a smile. "What's your favourite colour, pixie?"

Amy grinned and said smugly, "Guess."

"Let's see." Spike took the book, careful not to look at her new drawing, and leafed through the pages. He frowned in a moment of mock thought and guessed slowly, "Perhaps.. pink?"

Amy grinned and shouted, blocking out the sound of Buffy turning the key in the lock, "Yeah!"

"I wonder how I guessed." Spike placed the book back down in front of her, jumping in fright as Buffy stormed into the kitchen, a face like thunder.

"AMY MICHELLE-"

"Let's calm down a minute, kitten." Spike pleaded, noticing the tremor of Amy's lip as she stared into her mother's furious eyes.

"Calm down? You practically threw me in jail when Jacob had a blood nose! How would you feel if he ran away?"

"I didn't run away." Amy said in a tiny voice, clinging to Spike's arm.

"See, she didn't run away. And to be fair, sweetheart, it was a little more than a blood nose." Spike shrunk back as Buffy glared at him and added meekly, "Not that it was in any way your fault, luv. But all I'm saying is that.. Amy's safe, and that's what's important."

"Amy.." Buffy took a deep breath to calm herself and continued frostily, "If you ever do this to me again.. I swear, I have never been so terrified! I came back from the shop and you were gone!"

Spike smoothed Amy's hair down and said softly, "It wasn't the best of ideas, princess."

"I'm sorry." Amy stretched her arms out, pleading for a hug from Buffy.

Buffy wrapped Amy up in her embrace and whispered, her voice wobbling slightly, "Don't ever run away from me again."

"But I just wanted to see Spike." Amy swung around to face him and inquired, "What's your favourite colour?"

"I quite like red, cookie." Spike smiled as she grabbed for a red crayon and murmered, "You keep on colouring, princess. Me and your mum need to have a chat."

Buffy stormed out of the kitchen ahead of him and headed straight for his room. As soon as Spike set a foot in the doorway, she burst into tears and collapsed into his arms. He gathered her up and set her down on the bed, sidling up to her as Buffy wept into his pillow. Spike ran his hand down her back and whispered, "I'm sorry this happened, luv. It must've been awful for you."

"I was so scared." She buried herself in his arms and asked quietly, fear lacing her tone, "Why did she run away?"

"She wasn't running away, as such. Apparently you said I didn't want to see her anymore.." Spike noticed the guilt flood Buffy's face and planted a reassuring kiss on her nose, then continuing, ".. and Amy wanted to still see me, apparently, so she came over here."

"I didn't mean to upset her when I said that.. I really thought you wouldn't want to see me anymore." She gave him a tiny kiss and whispered, "I think I did mean what I said to you the other day. I feel like you don't need me.. why would you? You haven't come after me for the past six years, and you've built your own life."

"I wanted to, pet.. so badly." He caressed the side of her face affectionately and said in a hushed voice, "I came back and I knew I was finally everything you deserved.. and that we could have everything we always wanted.. but I was so scared. I mean, I pushed you away when you told me you loved me, and I knew I'd hurt you. I didn't want to know how much. I didn't want to run after you only to be pushed away again."

"But I wouldn't have." She said quietly, moving away from him. "If you didn't have faith in us then, how can you have faith in us now?"

"Hey, c'mere." Spike drew her back into his arms and brushed a soft kiss over her lips. "There is never going to be a good enough reason as to why I wasn't here for you. I'll hate myself forever for missing out on all those years of Amy's life. Watching her grow up shouldn't be something I have to see through photos, it should have been right there in front of me."

"It can be now." She whispered, kissing along his jawline. "It hurt back then when you weren't here.. but everything now makes up for it. This feels so good."

"Exactly." He laced his fingers through hers and gave her hand an affectionate squeeze. "I love you, Buffy."

She snuggled into him, happily caught up in his warm embrace, purring contentedly, "I love you too."

"SPIKE!" Amy rushed into the room and handed him the book. "I finished the picture for you."

Spike pulled her up onto the bed beside him and Buffy and gazed down at the drawing admiringly. "It's beautiful, princess."

She pointed to the pictures on the page and explained, "That's me as a princess, like you call me, and me and Prince Jacob are riding a pony. And then you and mommy are King and Queen. And see? I'm wearing a pink dress 'cause it's my favourite, and you're wearing red, 'cause it's your favourite."

He kissed her on the forehead and said happily, "I love it, sugar. Thankyou."

"May I please watch TV?" Amy asked, beaming at Spike. "You have lots of good movies."

"Amy!" Buffy scolded. "You better not be leafing through his stuff."

"No, they're all lying around the floor. Jacob was having a bit of a fit this morning and tore the place apart." Spike kissed Amy's fingertips and said with a smile, "Go watch whatever you please, princess."

"Jacob had a fit?" Buffy inquired worriedly, running her hand up and down Spike's chest gently. "Is he okay?"

"He needed a shot at the doctors.. and first he seemed to think a gun was involved, so I had to explain it was a needle.. and all hell broke loose."

Buffy giggled and kissed him on the nose. "I remember Amy's first doctors appointment involving a needle. It wasn't pleasant.. she screamed for hours. I'll bring you next time.. she's crazy about you, and being your little princess."

"I want to take you two out this weekend." Spike announced, adding secretively, "I have a suprise for Amy."

"What is it?"

"You'll have to wait and see, sweetheart." He kissed her and repeated in a whisper, before closing his lips over hers again, "You'll just have to wait and see."

*

 

Chapter 14:

"Hey Jacob!" Buffy knelt down and kissed him on the forehead as the little boy wandered sleepily into the kitchen.

"Hey, cookie." Spike reached down to pick Jacob up but he edged away, scowling at Spike. Spike picked him up anyway and kissed Jacob on the cheek, murmering, "You're not still grumpy with me, are you?"

"It hurt." Jacob mumbled, rolling his sleeve up to bear the patch on his left arm to Buffy. "Daddy made me get a needle and he said it wouldn't hurt. But it did."

"You got a bloody lollipop out of it, stop whining." Spike ruffled Jacob's hair but the boy's face remained stony.

"It hurt."

"I'm sure it did, honey. But you need the shot to be a strong, healthy boy." Buffy said gently, running her hand through Jacob's curly hair. "Like Spidey."

"It hurt." Jacob said stubbornly, though it was clear his mood had brightened slightly.

"You look like a little war veteran with all those scrapes." Spike said softly, running his hand over Jacob's cheek, still coloured with wounds after his fall. Spike placed the boy down and requested, "Amy's in front of the TV, mate. Can you get 'er for me?"

Jacob rushed from the room, smiling with pride at being trusted with such a duty, and seconds later returned with Amy. She grinned at Spike and begged, "Can I have my suprise now?"

"Of course you can, sweetheart. I just have to get this little monster dressed." Spike scooped Jacob up and pecked him on the cheek. "Do you want to get dressed, cookie?"

"M'hungry." Jacob mumbled through a yawn, collapsing against Spike sleepily.

"We'll get you something to eat once we've left, I promise." Spike carried Jacob back into his room and set the boy down on his bed. He went to the chest of drawers by the window and rummaged through the drawers to find clothes. He turned back to Jacob and inquired, "D'you feel like a blue or yellow top today, cookie?"

"Yellow." Jacob said quietly, hugging his teddy to his chest as he curled up into a ball, his eyes drooping shut.

"No, you can't go back to sleep." Spike scolded, sitting Jacob up gently to get his pyjama shirt off. "We're going down to the park, cookie. And I bet there'll be an icecream in it for you if you're good."

Jacob smiled and lifted his arms so Spike could dress him in the yellow t-shirt. He squealed as Buffy came into the room and rushed towards her with the t-shirt covering his eyes, narrowly missing bumping into the door as she swept him up. Buffy pulled the t-shirt down and kissed him on the nose, smiling at Spike as he took Jacob and tried to calm the boy down.

"You aren't going to tell me what this suprise is?" She asked sadly, caressing Spike's arm gently.

"Now that you've riled him up like this? No."

"It's not my fault." Buffy grabbed Jacob and sat down, pulling him into her lap and stilling him as Spike helped Jacob into a pair of red shorts.

"Cookie, where's your hat?" Spike asked curiously, glancing around the room in search for it.

"Here!" Jacob yelled, fishing it out from under his bed. He secured it on his head and grinned up at Spike.

"That's very good, tiger. Can you go get the sunscreen?" Spike turned back to Buffy and explained with a grimace, "He burns after a second out in the sun. Ends up looking like a lobster."

Buffy jumped up and flung her arms around his neck, kissing him firmly on the lips. She smiled and whispered, "I love how lovely you are with him. And I can't wait to see what lovely things you have for Amy."

*

"Are you sure that's safe?" Buffy asked worriedly as she watched another little girl exit the stables atop a black horse. "I mean, Amy gets scared riding the bus. And the bus.. that's like a mechanical horse."

"What?" Spike laughed and shook his head, muttering, "You're a strange one, kitten."

Buffy let out a squeak as one of the horses whinnied and babbled, "I just don't think this is a good idea."

"Spike, can I ride the white one?" Amy pleaded, tugging on his hand, beaming up at him.

"Of course you can, sugar." He smiled at the assistant and nodded towards the white horse.

"He's called Snowdrop, you'll love him. He's wonderful with children. Though, for someone as young as Amy, we do recommend an adult ride with her."

Spike glanced at Buffy and suggested, "Why don't you give it a try, luv?"

"You've gone crazy." Buffy said, laughing nervously as she backed away from him. She noticed Jacob cowering behind her leg, staring around at the horses in fear, and scooped him up into her arms. He buried his face in her shoulder and she whispered to him, "It's okay, I don't like them either."

"I'll go with you, cookie." Spike promised, noticing the disappointment crumpling Amy's face.

She grinned up at him as the assistant handed Spike two helmets. He knelt down and placed the smaller one on Amy's head, gently reaching under her chin to secure the buckle. Spike smiled at her as he tightened it and inquired, "That feel alright, princess?"

She nodded and grabbed his helmet, plonking it on his head and securing the buckle with a very serious look on her face. She patted the helmet and announced, "All good."

"Thankyou, princess." Spike kissed her helmet-covered head and turned back to Buffy. "Do you and Jakie want to share a horse?"

"I'd rather die a third time." Buffy said quietly, staring around at the horses uneasily. "What if one of them goes crazy? Like that creepy horse in The Ring?"

"That's not going to happen, sweetheart." Spike kissed her on the forehead and murmered, "Are you scared of horses?"

"YES!" Buffy replied adamently, glaring at him as he started laughing. "Would you like to laugh at your son as well? Because he doesn't like them either. And we have our reasons.. they stomp on you, they have huge teeth, they make strange noises--"

"You don't like 'em?" Spike asked Jacob worriedly, suddenly noticing how scared the boy was, his eyes wide and glossy with tears as he stared around at the huge animals. He kissed the top of Jacob's head and suggested to Buffy, "Why don't you take him for an icecream or something?"

"Gladly." Buffy jumped out of the way as Amy approached atop her horse, a look of total glee adorning her face. Buffy forced a smile and squeaked, "That's great, honey."

"Go on, you silly bint." Spike kissed Buffy on the cheek, placing some money in her hand. "You and Jacob go get some snacks, and we'll meet up with you after we've ridden on these murderous, stomping creatures."

"I'll stomp you in a minute." Buffy muttered, scowling back at him over her shoulder as she hurried out of the stables with Jacob in her arms.

"Alright, princess." Spike swung up on the top of the horse behind Amy and held her hands in his, guiding them to the reigns. "You ready?"

"Yep." Amy turned to smile at him and they were off through the park atop Snowdrop, Amy laughing and cheering ecstatically the whole way.

*

"MOMMY!" Amy grinned at Spike and pointed towards Buffy and Jacob, sitting together eating icecreams. She raced towards them, dragging Spike along with her, shouting excitedly as she reached them, "We took Snowdrop everywhere! Nearly all around the park! And Spike let me ride her on my own a little bit, but we couldn't go very fast. And I fed Snowdrop sugar and carrots.. and he licked my fingers. It was the best fun ever."

She threw her arms around Spike and whispered, "Thankyou."

"Here, finish my icecream." Buffy offered, handing Amy the cup. "It's triple-chocolate, your favourite."

"Thanks, mommy." Amy sat down beside Jacob on the bench and dug into the icecream, recounting her adventures to him as they swapped their cups occasionally.

Buffy smiled up at Spike and kissed him softly, whispering, "Did you have fun?"

"I love that girl so much." He grinned and laughed, "She's just so beautiful."

"She is." Buffy agreed, resting her head on his shoulder. "Your son is just the cutest thing in the world."

"He's a funny little thing." Spike chuckled and asked curiously, "What did you two do all this time?"

"Well, that's his second lot of icecream, and we talked about lots of stuff. Like how you promised to get him a pet kitten when he turns five.. he says he wants to call it Spidey, and he wants it to be black and white. You gonna win that kitten at poker?"

He pulled a face at her and explained, "He wanted a puppy.. but I don't care much for them. So when it's his birthday, we're going to go down to the pet shop and choose him out a nice kitten. He's very strict with me.. he says we have to get up extra early so they don't sell out."

Buffy giggled and asked softly, "When does he turn five?"

"In two months."

"Well.. maybe before then.. we could find a little more space for his kitten?" Buffy smiled and elaborated, "I want us to live together. I just want to be as close to you as possible. And now that Amy's completely in love with you.. maybe we can?"

Spike peppered kisses over her face, finishing on her lips, and then breathed, "I'd love that so damn much."

Buffy hugged him closer, grinning at him as they went to join their icecream-bloated children on the bench under the sinking sun of the afternoon.

*
 

Chapter 15:

"I've been dying of old age waiting for you. Jacob's gone off to college." Spike grabbed Buffy and hugged her fiercely, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead before releasing her. "Where were you?"

"Today's just been hectic." Buffy placed Amy in Spike's arms and moaned, "God, I'm tired. Too much has happened."

"Hey, cookie." Spike kissed Amy on the forehead, smiling at her adoringly. "How are you?"

"I'm good. I missed you." Amy threw her arms around his neck and begged, "Can we see Snowdrop again?"

"I hope so, princess." He set her down and suggested, nodding at the pink backpack she was wearing, "Why don't you go pop into your pyjamas and climb into bed? Jacob's waiting for me to come read him a story."

She nodded and ran off to get changed. Buffy threw her arms around Spike and sagged against him, grumbling, "I had the longest, hardest day. I'm sorry I'm late."

"It's alright, sweetheart." He scooped her up into his arms and kissed her softly, raking his fingers through her hair gently. "What happened with you today?"

"I did lots of grocery shopping, I took Amy to the dentist, I dropped her at Dawn's while I went clothes shopping, I had coffee with Amy and Willow, Dawn came to see me again this evening after she was done looking after Jacob.. and then I spent the last three hours sorting something out." Buffy dug into her handbag and pulled out a gold-coloured photo album. "Dawn was looking through photos with Jacob and she took some of the negatives with her to print."

"Yeah, she told me." Spike ran his hand over the shimmering cover of the album and queried, "So, what's this then?"

"This is our album." Buffy flipped it open and displayed the pages to him with a proud smile. "I printed off all your negatives of Jacob growing up so far, and I reprinted mine of Amy, and now we have our very-own special togetherness photo album."

He took it from her and leafed through it, staring at the photos stuck down to the glossy pages. It almost looked as though his life with Jacob was the same as Buffy's life with Amy, like they'd never been apart. Spike smiled at Buffy and said in a hushed voice, "It's wonderful, sweetheart. Thankyou."

"DADDY!" Jacob hollered from his room, followed by echoes from Amy.

"I'd better go read those two monkeys a story." Spike pecked Buffy on the forehead and suggested in a voice husky with lust, "Why don't you go take a nice, long shower, and I'll join you in there as soon as I'm done with the bits."

"Okay." Buffy smiled and brushed past him, her hand fluttering over his chest enticingly as she hurried towards the bathroom.

"Alright! What story is it tonight?" Spike called as he joined Jacob and Amy. The two were nestled up among cushions and blankets on the top bunk, cuddled together as they waited for him.

"Pooh Bear?" Jacob asked as he chewed on his thumb.

"How does that sound to you, princess?" Spike whisked the book off Jacob's shelf as Amy nodded and climbed up to join them on the top bunk. He pulled both of them into his embrace and flipped to the place where he'd finished reading last, and started.

*

"And Pooh said in a very solemn voice, 'I have decided to catch a Heffalump.' He nodded his head several times and waited for Piglet to say 'How?' or 'Pooh, you couldn't!', or something helpful of that sort, but Piglet said nothing. In fact, the little pig was wishing he had thought of it first." Spike paused as he noticed Amy's eyes were drooping shut, and turned to glance down at Jacob, who was deep asleep. He smiled at Amy and whispered, "I'll finish tomorrow, princess."

"No, keep going." She whined, trying to stifle a yawn as it came bubbling out of her.

"No, you're sleepy." Spike jumped off the bed and laid her down, smoothing her hair gently. "Do you mind Jacob sleeping up here with you? If I wake him he'll scream bloody murder."

"That's okay." Amy murmered, pulling Jacob close to her.

Spike tucked the pair of them in carefully, placing Jacob's teddy in his arms gently. He kissed Jacob on the tip of his nose and planted a small one on Amy's cheek, whispering, "Sweet dreams, princess."

"I love you, Spike." She mumbled as her eyes closed, smiling sleepily as she snuggled into Jacob.

Tears filled his eyes and Spike brushed his hand over hers, which was closed over Jacob's, and replied softly, "I love you too, Amy."

He turned on the night-light and tiptoed out of the room, colliding with Buffy, who was waiting outside Jacob's door with a frosty look on her face. "Are you done with that dumb story yet?"

Spike placed a finger over his lips and hissed, "Ssshh. They're asleep, luv."

Buffy led him away and whispered, playing the buttons on his shirt distractedly, "You said all those seductive things and I waited for you.. and turned all prunish."

She held her hand up to him and showed him her wrinkled fingers with a pout. Spike took her hand in his and pressed kisses to each of her fingertips, whispering, "I'm sorry, sweetheart. But you'll never guess what.. Amy just said she loved me."

Buffy grinned and kissed him, sighing, "That's wonderful. Can't say I'm suprised, though.. she does nothing but talk about you. In fact.. I mentioned the moving in thing to her today."

"Really? What'd she think?" Spike asked curiously as he led Buffy into his room.

"She loved the idea." Buffy smiled from ear to ear and added happily, "She looked so, so happy at the idea of it."

"I had an idea about that today." He said as he sat her down on the bed and ran his hand up her thigh, smirking as he found a silky garter belt. He tugged at it playfully and murmered, "You don't know what you do to me, kitten."

Buffy slapped his hand away as it continued up her thigh and frowned down at him, scolding, "None of that yet. What was your idea?"

"Doesn't matter." Spike said as he leaned in to kiss her, an advance she quickly refused. Scowling at her, he muttered, "Fine. I was thinking, until we find a big place for all of us, you and Amy could move in here. It wouldn't be for long.. but it would be so much nicer, kitten. It's closer to Amy's school.. Jacob's always sulking when you aren't here.. I am too, for that matter.. and I just want to have you here every second that it's possible."

"I'd love that." She pulled him close and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "I don't like my apartment, anyway. It was nice when it was just me.. well, me and my huge tummy.. but when Amy came along it just got too cramped. So I can sell it.. and we can put that towards buying the new place."

"Where'd you get the money to buy your place?" Spike asked, guilt instantly creeping into him as he heard what he'd said. He blushed and muttered, shaking his head at himself, "I didn't mean that to sound so.. you know."

"No, it's okay. I was pretty poor back in Sunnydale.. and losing all my possessions and my house didn't exactly help my financial sitch. Giles got me my apartment, as some sort of compensation. You know, after the gruelling years of Slaying, and the two deaths, and then the love of my life going all dusty to save the world, especially since Giles did nothing but put you down.. I think he felt he owed me." Buffy blushed as her rambling came to a halt, and whispered, "Yeah. That's what happened. Wanna make love?"

He chuckled and pulled her to him, kissing her passionately.

*

"You're amazing." Buffy said softly as she traced her fingers over his chest in strange patterns. "I've missed this so much."

"I've missed this too." Spike pressed a soft kiss to her temple and murmered, "I love lying here with you.. the sun everywhere.. you all snuggled up to me, naked and soft and warm. Feels so brilliant."

Buffy smiled up at him and whispered, "It'll be like this every day when we move in together."

"MOMMY!"

Amy's cry brought Buffy hurtling back to reality and she quickly threw the doona over her nakedness, pulling it right up to her chin as her daughter came flying into the room with Jacob at her heels. They jumped up on the bed and Amy shouted, "We want to hear Spike's guitar! And we want to go shopping."

"Uh-huh.. sure." Buffy squeaked, checking to make sure she and Spike were both completely covered up.

"Why don't you two rascals go wait in the kitchen? We'll whip you up some breakfast and I'll play some guitar and then we'll go out shopping." Spike promised, nudging them both off the bed gently. "We'll just be five minutes."

"Okay!" Amy and Jacob shouted together, their feet thundering as they raced from the room.

"I've scarred them for life, haven't I?" Buffy mumbled in mortification as she buried herself beneath the covers.

Spike laughed and assured her, "They didn't see anything, pet."

"How are we going to maintain a sex life if we have them rushing in all the time?" She whined, burying her face in his chest as Spike tried to pull her out of her hiding place. "We'll never get to be naked. We'll have to do it with clothes on all the time, or they'll see something and grow up warped."

"We won't have to do it with clothes on. We'll just make sure they don't see. Even if they had realized just then that we were naked, they wouldn't have understood what we were doing, kitten. They wouldn't know it to be anything dirty. They'd just think it natural for mums and dads to be naked with each other in bed occasionally. Which it is."

"You mean I didn't warp them?" Buffy asked uncertainly, peeking up at him reluctantly. "They're okay?"

"They didn't see anything." Spike promised and added in a whisper, "I think you should just get over it.. we're going to be naked around each other a whole lot more in the near future, living together and all.. there's no way to avoid it. I'm not going to be able to take my hands off you. And think of when we get married!"

This sent Buffy bolting upright. She stared down at him with eyes as wide as saucers and gasped, "When we get what?"

Spike smiled and murmered, "I'm going to get those two some breakfast and play them some guitar."

"H-hey! Get back here!" Buffy protested, but Spike got dressed and left, ignoring her pleas with the same smirk on his face.

She flopped back down and stared up at the ceiling, in a total daze as she ran his words over and over in her mind. They enticed her, confused her, and even scared her a little, but as Buffy got up to get dressed, she caught her reflection in the mirror, and saw a smile brighter than the sunshine adorning her face, that only seemed to be growing wider.

*
 

Chapter 16:

"Mommy says we're moving in with you." Amy said in a curious tone as Spike walked her to her school.

"Yeah, we decided we both want that." He paused in his tracks and knelt down in front of her, asking, "Would you like that? Because it's really up to you, sweetheart. I want you to be happy."

"Mommy's made up her mind, but. She says you're packing today."

"If you're not happy, it won't happen." Spike promised, taking her hand in his. "Sounds like your mum just pushed this on you.. thing is, I know she really wants it. She probably just assumed you would too."

"I might." She said softly, scraping her feet over the ground. "You're really nice. Sometimes it feels like.."

"What?" Spike smiled at her and gave her hand a squeeze. "What is it, luv? You can tell me."

"Like you'd be a good dad." Amy whispered secretively, her cheeks turning pink as she smiled and inquired in a sing-songy voice, "Would you read me stories every night?"

"Of course, princess." Spike checked his wristwatch and announced, "We'd better hurry or you'll be late, luv."

They continued down the street with Amy asking countless questions. But as they reached the school gates, she asked one that stuck out from the rest. "Could I call you daddy?"

Spike knelt down in front of her again and said gently, "I'd love that, Amy. But only if you want to, okay?"

"I think I might want to." Amy smiled at him and announced, "Then we could be a family. I like it just mommy and me.. but I'd like it better with a daddy and a little brother."

"I'd like it better that way too, princess." Spike kissed her on the forehead and murmered, "You have a lovely day at school, okay?"

Amy started up the path towards the school, then turned back to him, her lip twitching nervously as she stared back at Spike. Amy rushed to him and grabbed his hand, requesting, "Walk me to my classroom?"

"Sure, luv." Spike smiled at her and led her towards the school, their hands swinging together as Amy chattered excitedly.

*

"Amy hasn't been nervous about going to school ever." Buffy stopped the shopping cart and asked leant down to ask Jacob, "Peanut butter or marshmallow spread?"

"Mallow." Jacob mumbled as he sucked on his thumb.

"Quit chomping on that, cookie." Spike pulled Jacob's hand away from his mouth and smiled at Buffy, adding, "She wouldn't let me leave until I'd met all her friends and seen the display of pictures and the Storytime corner. She asked me to come and read a few times a week."

"I tried that a few times... I don't think the kids liked me."

"That's crazy, sweetheart." Spike pulled her close to him and kissed her softly, ignoring Jacob's cry of disgust as he murmered, "You're wonderful."

She blushed and whispered, kissing his chin gently as she moved on up to his lips, "I love you."

"Icky!" Jacob yelled as they started kissing again.

"You shut up!" Spike pulled Jacob out of the trolley and scolded, "Do you want us yelling that at you on your wedding day? Because we will."

Jacob snuggled into Spike and they continued down the aisle to the confectionary section, where the contents of the shopping cart seemed to double instantaneously. Spike raised his eyebrows at Buffy as she filled the cart with chocolate and lollies and other sweet things, and she explained sheepishly, "I have a sweet tooth. And it'll keep Jacob and Amy happy."

"It'll keep 'em hyper is what it'll--"

Buffy frowned as Spike fell silent, opening and closing his mouth as he gaped at someone behind her. Buffy turned and saw a woman walking towards them, smiling at Spike.

"Hello, William." She smiled at him, reaching out to touch his arm gently. "How are you?"

"I... I.. I'm great. Uh, this is my girlfriend, Buffy. Buffy, sweetheart, this is Eleanor. She's.. an old friend." Spike hung his head and tightened his arms around Jacob as the woman explained,

"Me and Eric are in the city for the week. It's our anniversary." Her eyes settled on Jacob for a moment, and Buffy saw a sadness tint them for a mere second before she turned back to Spike, forcing a smile. "It was nice to see you again. I hope things are.. going well?"

"They're going great." Spike assured her, and added, "Hope you have a nice time in the city."

"You too." She smiled politely at Buffy, glancing at Jacob one last time before they parted ways.

"Who was that?" Jacob yelled, squirming in Spike's arms.

"An old friend." Spike mumbled, setting him down in the cart gently. He glanced at Buffy and snaked his arm around her waist, hugging her gently as they headed towards the checkout.

But she turned to ice as he touched her. Buffy felt like her breath was cement in her throat. Her eyes were burning with tears.

She felt like she was dying, choked by the woman's polite yet frosty smile, choked by Jacob's questioning, choked by their matching chocolate curls.

Choked by Spike's attempts to comfort her.

*

"Okay, Jacob's with Dawn, Amy's at school.. apartment's all ours.. let's start packing?" Buffy suggested with forced cheer as she let Spike into her home.

"Kitten, about what happened--"

"What do you mean?" Buffy wondered, trying to sound as clueless as possible as he drew her into his arms. Why was it she wanted to fight him off and scream at him? Tears welled in her eyes and she murmered defiantly, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm talking about Eleanor." Spike said softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"She's just an old friend." Buffy laughed nervously and cried, "Let's start packing the books. They'll take the longest.. we'd better get a move on."

"Buffy, come on." Spike wrapped his arms around her, stilling her as she stretched up to pull books off the shelves. He swayed her back and forth gently as he coated her neck in kisses and whispered, "You looked really upset about it. And now you're acting completely insane."

"It's the sugar." She mumbled, biting on her nail, trying to pull away from him.

"We left the groceries at my place." Spike reminded her, pulling her hand away from her mouth. "He give you this bad habit? Come on, sweetheart. Talk to me."

"It was just weird, alright?" Buffy blinked, trying to force her tears away, but they spilled out, hot and harsh against her skin. "We were standing in the shop, and we were completely happy.. like a real family, you know? And then she came along and I realized he's not mine.. but I've been pretending he is. I've loved him like he's mine.. but one day we're going to have to tell him he's not, and he'll want his real mom, and he won't love me and--"

"Buffy, Jacob's crazy about you. If you're away from him for even a second he's ready to burst into tears over it." Spike brushed her tears away gently and murmered, "He is completely in love with you. You're his real mum, and I don't think he'll care--"

"What? He won't care about his blood? He's that woman's child, Spike. He looks like her.. they have the same hair and the same nose.. and the same genes. He's her's in every way that counts."

"No, he's not!"

"Yes, he is! She's his real mother." Buffy turned away from Spike and started pulling books off the shelf, tossing them over the floor carelessly as she struggled to contain her tears. "And when he finds out I'll just be this stranger, this dumb blonde who pretended for too long. And he'll go back to her, because she's his real mom."

"She isn't. She doesn't know him, or love him." Spike reached out and smoothed Buffy's hair down gently, his hand moving down to caress her back and draw her close again. "You know him, and you love him, and he can see that. He can feel it. He has some sort of connection with you, even if you don't have the same blood. Jacob had forgotten her as soon as we'd gotten to the Bit's place. He loves you."

"He won't, though." Buffy whimpered, shaking her head as Spike hugged her. "And you'll leave me.."

"You're talking absolute nonsense, Slayer." Spike saw a smile spark over her face at the use of this old name and whispered, "She was his mother for nine months. You'll be his mother for the rest of his life. That's what Jacob wants. That's what he'll care about. Being a parent isn't about genes or biology, it's about what's in your heart. And you're buried so deep in Jacob's, sweetheart, you wouldn't believe the half of how much that boy loves you."

Buffy giggled, her tears joyful as the last of them streamed down her face. She smiled up at him and mumbled, "You sweet-talker, you."

"Let's get packing, kitten." Spike kissed her gently and whispered, "My sweet little Slayer."

Buffy grinned and nodded towards the bookshelf and the pile of boxes sitting by the door. "You pack these books up, I'm going to start on videos and CDs and stuff."

She tossed to him and called, "Hey, Captain Peroxide."

"Yes, Slayer?" He replied with a smirk as she moved towards him slowly.

Buffy grabbed him by the lapels of his shirt and yanked him in for a passionate kiss, her lips crushing to his. She pulled away and whispered, "I think we should tell Amy."

He raised his eyebrows and murmered, seemingly stunned by the ferocious kiss, "You sure?"

"You don't want to?" Buffy asked worriedly, running her hand through his hair until it fell down over his forehead in tiny curls.

"I'd love to.. but how would we even.. I mean.." Spike sighed and muttered, "It's just impossible."

"No, it's not. You said she said she wanted to call you dad, right?"

"Yeah, but that's different. She might want me as her dad, but she thinks I'm just your boyfriend who's just dropped into her life. How do we tell her I'm her actual dad?"

Buffy opened her mouth to answer but was left completely stumped. Her brow crumpled in confusion, she mumbled, "I don't know."

He smiled weakly at her as he continued packing books into the boxes and sighed, "It's just complicated, luv. It's a little girl.. she's not exactly adept to how babies are made. She just reckons there are mums, and dads, and with a whole lot of love comes a bub. And seeing as she reckons her dad is just gone.. she's probably going to reckon that he doesn't love her. How do I explain how I was gone? Or why I didn't come back? Or why I spent time making another family?"

Buffy frowned even more and repeated, even more confused now, "I don't know."

"Well.. maybe we need time to figure all that out." Spike said softly, sitting down on the couch with a look of defeat on his face.

Buffy jumped onto the couch beside him and snuggled into Spike's arms, assuring gently, "When she finds out, she's going to be so happy. She's the luckiest girl in the world to have a dad like you."

"I don't know about that, sweetheart. But I reckon we do make a good team on the parenting front." Spike smiled at her adoringly and placed his hand over her belly gently. "Do you know yet?"

"Um.. no." Buffy shook her head and mumbled, "No, I don't know yet. Things being crazy like they are, I haven't had time to take a test. So no. I don't know."

"Okay." Spike pecked her on the cheek and said, "I'm going to go keep on packing up those books, pet."

Buffy nodded and stood on shaking legs as she returned to her boxes to pack.

She didn't know why she'd lied. She'd taken a test that morning, after Spike whisked Amy off to school. She just didn't know how to tell him.

*

 

Chapter 17:

"Why didn't Spike come over tonight?" Amy wondered sadly, fidgeting as Buffy tried to get her into her pyjamas.

"He was busy with work stuff." Buffy explained as she closed the top button on the flanelette shirt. She smiled up at Amy and announced, "There. All ready for bed, huh?"

"Will Spike come over tomorrow?" Amy asked hopefully as Buffy tucked her into bed.

"Yeah, we've got more packing to do." Buffy kissed Amy on the forehead and murmered, "Hey.. you're being wonderful with him. It means a lot."

"I really like him." Amy said softly, a yawn stretching her words out. "He said I can call him daddy."

"Yeah, he told me about that." Buffy smiled down at Amy and whispered, "I'm so glad you love him so much, Amy. He really adores you."

"He's a good new daddy." Amy beamed up at Buffy and snuggled down into her pillows. "Can I have a story now?"

"Of course, honey." Buffy picked up the book of fairytales and inquired, "Do you want to hear Cinderella tonight?"

"Okay, mommy."

"Once upon a time.." Buffy trailed off, the words heavy in her mouth as she imagined the next part. There was a little girl who grew up loving her 'new' daddy, when he was actually her real daddy. And everyone wound up broken hearted, NO happily ever after. Buffy ran her hand through Amy's hair gently and said softly, "We need to talk about something, Amy."

"After the story?"

"No, now. You know what? It's kind of like a story. You'll like it, I promise." She could see Amy wasn't even slightly convinced, but Buffy shut the book and set it aside, pulling Amy up gently. "You know how I told you I've loved Spike for a very long time? Well, I think we should talk a little more about that."

She rested down beside Amy and wrapped her arm around the little girl, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek as she started, "When I used to live in California, that's when I met Spike. It was probably about ten, eleven years ago now. And at first we didn't like each other very much, but over time, we both changed and we fell very much in love."

The look of boredom lifted from Amy's face and she inquired curiously, "Was it like in Cinderella with the prince?"

Buffy laughed and murmered, "A bit. Spike was very handsome and lovely, just like the prince.. but it was complicated. He and I couldn't be together for a long time.. and we hurt each other a lot. There was a lot getting in the way of us, but at the same time, we were completely crazy about each other. Eventually all those feelings came bubbling up out of us, and we were together again, but it didn't last."

"Why not?" Amy asked in desperation, her eyes wide as she got more into the story.

Buffy paused for a moment, drooping inside at the memory. The amulet, the burning light, the rejection. He'd told her to run and with her pain acting as a heavy shot of adrenalin, she did. She'd run and escaped the fiery death he was sure to endure. He'd given her freedom and life and it felt amazing to know he loved her that much. Buffy had smiled out over what used to be her home and lasted a few seconds, filled with bubbling glory, until it all came crashing down. She'd collapsed and wailed, sobbing into the empty earth as she burned with self-loathing for letting him die.

"Mommy?!" Amy tugged on her hand and demanded, "Keep going!"

"Oh, sorry, honey." Buffy hugged her daughter closer, burying her face in Amy's glistening locks of hair, her tears melting into the butter-gold ringlets. "Well, it was a very crazy time, and Spike had to go away suddenly. And all these years I've missed him so much, and all I had to survive with was the memory of how happy we were for that one night we spent together as a couple. And something very special happened that night.. because Spike and I loved each other so much, we got to have ourselves a little baby girl."

Amy was quiet all of a sudden, her brow furrowing in confusion. Buffy kissed the creased surface and whispered, "It was you, sweetie. But before Spike could know about you, he went away. But he loves you so much, Amy, and I know that--"

"He's my real daddy?" Amy interrupted, her blue eyes rounding and filling with tears.

"Yes." Buffy felt her tears spill and she whispered, "I wanted to tell you, honey, I just didn't know how to."

"Go away." Amy hissed, turning away from Buffy as she sobbed again, "Go AWAY!"

"Amy.. sweetheart.."

"GO AWAY!" Amy's screech tore through Buffy and she ran from the room, tears burning down her face as she collapsed to the floor, sobbing just as hard as her little girl was in the next room.

*

"Thank god you're here." Buffy threw her arms around Spike and held him in a choking embrace, burying her face in his shoulder as she wept.

"What's happened? You sounded hysterical." Spike scooped Buffy up and took her inside the apartment, kicking the door shut behind them. He set her down on the couch, keeping her close as Buffy cried. "Buffy, tell me, luv."

"It's Amy." Buffy whimpered, clinging to him with a bruising grip, too afraid he'd get mad and turn away from her.

"What's wrong with Amy?" Spike asked worriedly, rocking Buffy in his arms as he did with Jacob when he was upset. It seemed to work - her tears died down slowly, and her breaths steadied. Spike kissed her on the tip of her nose and murmered, "Tell me what happened."

"I told her." She whispered, sighing as she clutched her head in her hands. "I told Amy that she's yours and she completely freaked out. And now she's in her room and she won't come out to talk to me--"

"She's locked herself in?" Spike panicked, jumping up and heading towards the door.

"No, but whenever I go in she screams at me." Buffy drew her knees to her chest and whispered, "She hates me."

"She doesn't hate you, luv." He kissed her on the forehead and murmered, "I'll go talk to her. Okay?"

He ignored Buffy's protests and went to Amy's door, tapping on it gently. Spike could hear the girl crying and it ached him from head to toe, so he slipped inside the room and rushed to her side.

"Amy?" Spike placed his hand over hers, where she clutched at her pillow, scrunching the cotton up with her angry fist. "Princess? Are you okay?"

"Go away." Amy whispered, diving under the blankets.

"I want to talk to you, luv." Spike pulled her out from under the blankets and sat her up gently, smiling unsurely at her. "Don't you want to talk to me, just a little bit?"

"Why weren't you here?" Amy asked in a hushed voice, tugging at a loose thread on her sheets. "Mommy says you went away."

"Yeah, I did. But there's no excuse for why I wasn't here for you and your mum. I love you both so much." Spike took Amy's hand in his and whispered, "You're so lovely, and I just can't believe I missed out on so much."

Amy hung her head and refused to look at him, mumbling, "It's your fault."

"I know, princess. I can't say that this is anyone's fault but mine. And I'll never forgive myself. I was such a stupid, silly, stupid idiot." Spike released a shaky breath, wishing she'd look at him. He tugged on her hand and pleaded, "Just give me a chance. I'd give you the whole world, Amy, and then some. Hell, I'd give you the moon if I could. I'd throw a lasso around it and pull it down for you. That's how much I love you."

"That's from a movie." Amy accused, scowling at him. "Me and mommy watch it at Christmas."

"Yeah, it is. See how silly I am?" Spike smiled at her and murmered, "You probably don't need an idiot like me for a dad, huh?"

"I might." Amy mumbled, failing to supress her smile.

"I would give you anything, luv." Spike kissed her on the forehead and promised, "I'll do anything to keep you smiling, okay?"

"You won't ever leave again?"

"I promise you with everything in the world I won't do that." Spike smiled and scooped her up, murmering, "We'd better go see your mum. She's pretty worried about you."

Amy planted a kiss to his cheek and said with a grin, "Anyway, I'm used to silly parents. My mommy's pretty funny."

"Yeah, she is." Spike agreed, laughing softly. "But we love her for it."

"Yeah." Amy settled into his arms and Spike carried her out to Buffy, who threw her arms around both Spike and Amy and stuck to them like glue.

"Is everything okay?" Buffy whispered, burying her face in Spike's shoulder.

"I reckon so." Spike smiled down at them adoringly.

"Amy, I think it's your bedtime, honey." Buffy said gently, still wary around the little girl. "You must be sleepy."

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" Amy pleaded, still clinging to both of them.

"Of course you can." Buffy kissed the top of Amy's head and they retired to Buffy's bedroom together, snuggling up together peacefully.

*
 

Chapter 18:

"Spike, I'm taking more boxes down to the trailer!" Buffy hollered as she swung two boxes up onto her hip. "Can you keep packing Amy's stuff as soon as you've had your shower?"

"Sure, kitten." Spike came out of her bedroom, his wet hair curling down over his forehead. Buffy giggled and ruffled it affectionately, planting a kiss to his lips. He smiled and said, "I've had my shower, I don't take ages like some people."

Buffy smiled and ran her hand down his damp chest, teasing, "I only take ages cos I keep hoping you'll come and join me and do naughty things with me."

"Why don't you go hop in the shower and we'll see?" Spike growled playfully, nipping at her ear.

"Later." She kissed him on the cheek and sighed, "The trailer awaits boxes."

She slipped out of his arms and hurried out of the apartment. Spike closed the door behind her and went to get dressed, returning to the bathroom where his clothes were hung over a chair. As he pulled his shirt on, Spike looked around and realized where ever Buffy touched, beauty grew. She'd decorated the bathroom carefully, with crystal ornaments, candles, bowls of potpouri. The lotions atop the shelf were kept in elegant glass bottles, stained pink, decorated with strings of pearls. Photos in gold frames sat next to the lotions and other items, the main subject being Amy. But next to her bottle of perfume sat a silver heart-shaped frame, with a picture of them inside. Jacob had taken it not long ago, so it was incredibly lopsided, and their heads had only just crept into the frame. But Buffy had centred it in the frame, so they were smiling out, their faces glowing with joy.

He stepped forward the pluck it off the shelf when something clattered beneath his foot. Spike glanced down and saw he'd knocked over the trash, and was leaning down to clean it up when he saw something rather confusing.

*

Buffy was skipping back towards her apartment, humming happily when someone shouted out to her. She screamed happily as she saw who was waiting by her door and jumped into his arms, laughing, "Giles! What are you doing here?"

"I thought I'd come see you." He smiled at her and asked gently, "How are you? How's Amy?"

"Wonderful. Come in! You should have knocked, Sp.." Buffy trailed off and compensated with a nervous laugh. "Boy, do I have news for you!"

"Why are there boxes everywhere?" Giles asked in confusion as they stepped into the apartment. "Are you moving?"

"Are you pregnant?!" Spike yelled as he came storming out of the bathroom. He stopped dead in his tracks as he caught sight of Giles.

Buffy glanced from Giles to Spike and moaned, collapsing down onto one of the boxes, "Oh god, oh god, oh god."

"What.. how.. when..?"

"Yeah." Spike turned away from Giles and snapped at Buffy, "I thought you said you hadn't taken a test."

"How long has he been back?" Giles glared at Buffy and demanded, "Were you not going to tell the Council of this developement?"

"He's been back for ages.. he didn't last long all dusty. I figured there wasn't a point.. and I didn't see that Spike had any reason to go helping you with any vampire-cum-human resurrection details. You hated him. Besides, it's no big deal. It's not a prophecy or anything. Me and Spike are all out of the slayage biz." Buffy sighed and faced Spike, whispering, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, it's just--"

"Buffy, this is a huge deal!" Giles interrupted. "I mean, the very idea of a vampire returning to earth as a hum--"

"Oh, shut up!" Spike snapped at Giles, and tossed Buffy's pregnancy test to her. "This says positive. Weren't you going to tell me?!"

"Does Amy know about this?"

"No, I've been hiding Spike in the closet!" Buffy groaned, clawing her hands through her hair. "Of course she knows!"

"Spike, this is an astounding developement." Giles breathed, stepping towards him. "I mean, the Council--"

"I'm not going anywhere near the bloody Council."

"But this information--"

"Don't care, Rupert. Buffy, can you please explain why you didn't tell me about this?"

"Well, they have awarded Buffy compensation for her trials during her time as the Slayer, and I'm sure for someone who saved the world--"

"Not interested." Spike swung back around to face Buffy and knelt down before her, wondering, "I thought you wanted another kid. Don't you?"

Buffy cupped his face in her hand and whispered, "Of course I do."

"You two are back together then?"

"Why didn't you tell me then? This is my child!"

"Wait, you're pregnant?"

"She didn't tell me either, and I'm the bloody father."

"I hope you won't curse like that around the baby."

"Oh, bugger off. Buffy, why didn't you tell me?"

"How far along are you?"

"One British man at a time, please!" Buffy glowered at them and hissed, "Giles, Spike doesn't have to do anything concerning the Council. Spike, you might as well consider it. They gave me a bunch of money after the Sunnydale kerploophey thing and it's gotten me and Amy by for ages."

"I hardly think money should be his moti--"

"GILES!" Buffy shouted, silencing him. She glared at Spike and snapped, "I didn't tell you because I'm not very far along and I didn't want to get worked up over nothing. Okay? I'm not sure we should get too excited.. and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet."

"I thought you wanted a new baby." Spike said softly, running his hand over her knee gently.

"I do." She smiled and whispered, "It'd be amazing. But I'm only two months and that's a tricky stage.. we could still lose it."

"We're not gonna lose it." He kissed her gently and murmered against her lips, "It's gonna be fine."

"So.. the boxes?" Giles inquired, smiling at Buffy as she hugged Spike.

"We're moving in together." Buffy explained, smiling adoringly up at Spike.

"Why? Isn't there enough room here?"

"Spike has a son. Little Jacob." Buffy grinned as she uttered his name and added, "He's adorable, but two kids aren't going to fit in this tiny place. So I'm moving in with Spike, and then we're going to eventually get a big place."

"You have a son?" Giles asked curiously, frowning at Spike. "How old is he?"

"Four." Spike frowned as Giles narrowed his eyes, his lips pursing tightly.

"I'm going to take some stuff down to the truck." Buffy said, picking up another box. She let out a moan as her arms dropped down with it's weight and groaned, "I miss being part of the Slayage biz."

"I'll take it, sweetheart." Spike collected it out of her arms and kissed her on the cheek. "Why don't you call the doctor? We should make a proper appointment."

"I'll accompany you down to the trailer." Giles said briskly, picking up a box and following Spike out of the apartment. As they reached the lift, he turned to Spike and started, "I was very wrong about you. Buffy always said you were an asset and I failed to listen. I want to thank you very much for what you did, Spike."

Spike smiled as the lift descended and said lightly, "Thanks, Rupert."

"That was before today." Giles snapped, his face clouding black with rage. "I cannot believe your nerve. You've been back here all this time, and you haven't contacted her?"

"Well, I--" Spike cut himself off and wished he could find something to say. Even though he couldn't care less about Giles, the older man's words cut through him, slicing through scars that were already there. Giles was really the first to throw it in his face, maliciously, but there were always the others. Dawn and Amy, questioning him sadly, left partially empty by his absence. And Buffy, although she forgave him, her eyes sparkled a little less when the topic came up. It was as though the wounds could never really be healed, no matter how hard he tried.

Spike glared at Giles, fighting back tears, and snapped, "You don't understand."

"No, I don't. But I don't want to hear a single word you have to say about it. Do you have any idea how much she suffered?" Giles shook his head in disgust and spat, "I have never seen her so broken hearted. And you just let that continue? You don't deserve her, not then, not now, not ever."

Tense from head to toe now, Spike unlocked the trailer and tossed the box of books in. He glared at Giles and hissed, "I love her, and I love Amy, and--"

"Yet you spent four years without either of them, having another child. I can't think of how messed up the poor thing must be to have you as a father."

With a vicious growl, Spike grabbed Giles and slammed him up against the trailer and hissed, "You leave Jacob out of this."

He released Giles, shaking the man so he again collided with the trailer. Spike stormed back into the apartment building and collided with Buffy, on her way out with another lot of boxes. He weakened when he saw her, his anger melting away fast. Spike pulled her close and whispered, "I have to go home, okay? Dawn's probably gone crazy with Jacob anyway. I know I'll go bloody insane having to be around that.. that.."

Spike shook with rage and finished, "Around him anymore."

"What'd he do?" Buffy asked, following Spike back into the lift.

"It doesn't matter, luv." Spike pressed the button for her floor and muttered, "Just need my jacket."

"Tell me." She insisted.

"Just the way he thinks of me, even after all this time. He looks at me like I'm dirt." Spike sighed and said firmly, though the lie shone through his words as though they were glass, "I'm fine."

"Gimme a smile, then." Buffy pleaded as Spike leaned against the wall, a weary look lining his face. He smiled at her and she hugged her arms around him, whispering, "Forget Giles. He's all with the "once an evil bloodsucking vamp, always an evil bloodsucking vamp" theory. Even with a shiny soul and a heartbeat. But I'm not like that.. I love you, and I need you here. Please stay?"

"You tell him to back off, then. He had a go at Jacob." Spike sighed as the doors swung open with a chime and murmered, "I might go take another shower. M'all tense."

"Okay." Buffy ran her fingers through his hair and placed her hand on the back of his neck, gently pulling him down to kiss her. Spike crushed his lips to hers, kissing her passionately as Buffy's hands roamed down his back. She smiled up at him and breathed happily, "You go take your shower. I'll join you in a few minutes, okay? We'll ensue in naughtiness."

"That's my girl." Spike smiled and murmered, peppering kisses over her brow, "I love you."

"I love you too." She slipped back into the lift and placed her hand over her belly protectively as the lift descended. Buffy reached the ground floor, and came face to face with Giles as the doors opened. She glared at him and asked in a whisper, "Why do you have to try and hurt me?"

"I'm not trying to hurt you. I just wish you'd stop counting on him. I want better for you!"

"Spike is the best for me. He loves our daughter, and our son. That's how much I love him! To consider myself a mother to a child that's not mine. I love Spike, and Jacob, and they love me and Amy." Buffy blinked back tears as Giles put his hand on her arm and hissed, "Don't."

"He can't make you happy."

"Well, that's funny, because this is the happiest I've been in my whole life. Spike keeps me smiling.. and if you're just here to break all that, you can go to hell." Buffy stormed away from him, heading to the trailer with the boxes.

She wished she could just walk away from Giles and not care. She hated his words, his judgement, his condescending looks. She hated he couldn't love the man she loved. She hated that she loved Giles even when he was so cruel. He was still like a father.

And she hated to think of pushing him out of her life, even if he was trying to destroy hers.

*
 

Chapter 19:

They were strolling along Fifth Avenue, exploring the city for the morning. Buffy had Jacob in her arms, and was resting against Spike, drooping in the sticky spring heat. Jacob was half asleep, his face pink as the sun bounced down on his tiny face.

"Why don't we stop in here?" Spike said gently, kissing Buffy's sweat-speckled face. She smiled, hoping to God it was somewhere she could drown herself in a bucket of ice. As Buffy turned, she let out a small gasp. She was too stunned to even breathe for a minute. The first thought that occured to her was,

Different kind of ice..

Then, gaping up at Spike, she breathed, "Really?"

"Yeah." He took her hand and led her into Tiffany's.

*

"I like that one." Jacob announced, pointing to one of the rings in the display.

Buffy wrinkled her nose and said, chewing on her lip, "I don't like the red stones."

"Spidey wears red." Jacob pointed out, as though that arguement should win her over. He grinned at her expectantly, but Buffy shook her head again, kissing him gently on the nose.

"I don't think Spidey and I should mix our tastes right now, honey."

"This is important for Buffy." Spike said, lifting Jacob into his arms. "Let her decide."

Buffy smiled over at Spike and reached out to clasp his hand in hers, leading him towards the display. She pointed to the sparkling display and said softly, "I like these two."

"They're lovely, sweetheart." He curled one arm around her waist and murmered, "Which one do you like the best?"

"I don't know. I want you to choose.. so it's special to both of us." She leaned into him, smiling as both Spike and Jacob wrapped their arms around her. "Jakie? Which one do you like?"

"The Spidey ring."

"No, honey." Buffy pulled Jacob into her arms and cuddled him as she stared down at the rings. She took his hand in hers and pointed it down to the two sparkling rings. "Out of those two."

"That one." Jacob said softly, slapping his hand down over the chosen ring. "It's pretty like you."

Buffy grinned over her shoulder at Spike and whispered, "I love this child."

"Which one is it, then?" Spike asked, peppering kisses over her shoulder.

Snuggling deep into his arms, Buffy pointed to the shimmering diamond ring in the case and announced happily, "That one."

*

Spike was itching to go home. The meeting had gone for two hours now, and it seemed like a complete waste of time. He'd been with Buffy, her ring sparkling on her finger, an even brighter smile on her face, and they'd left Amy and Jacob with Dawn so they could celebrate.

Then his beeper had gone off.

Spike clawed at the papers in front of him and wished he could kill everyone in the room, just to be with his girl.

The phone beeped in suddenly and the boss's secretary called out, "I have a call for Mr. Greene."

"We're in a meeting, Sarah." The boss snapped, reaching over to click the phone off.

The girl persisted, announcing nervously, "It's an emergency. Something to do with his girlfriend?"

"Can I take this?" Spike asked, his hand already on the phone. He picked up, his heart thudding nervously as he answered, "Hello?"

"Spike.. it's me." Buffy's voice was high and strained as she explained, "I'm at the hospital, and--"

Before he had to hear anymore, Spike slammed the phone down and rushed out of the boardroom.

*

"What happened? Are you alright? Is he alright?" Spike babbled, sweeping Buffy clear off the hospital bed into his arms. She giggled, but Spike mistook it for a sob and he asked frantically, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine." Buffy kissed him softly and explained quietly, "I was at home and I felt this pain in my stomach.. I freaked out a bit and came here, but it was just a cramp."

Spike hugged her to him, burying his face in her shoulder and securing his hand over her belly. He cried silently into her soft skin and whispered, "You scared me so much, pet."

"Calm down." She ran her hand down his arm and murmered, "We're fine. The baby's fine."

"You sure?"

"I'm fine." Buffy slapped him playfully on the knee as he sat down beside her and sighed. "Just a little wiggy still. Hospitals freak me out. Images of mom.. Caleb aftermath.. not good."

"Images of.. you giving birth to Amy alone?" Spike inquired nervously, his hand trembling slightly as it grazed her knee, left bare as the hospital gown rode up. He cupped it under her leg and caressed the inside of her knee, tingling as he felt the patch of silky skin there. He glanced at Buffy and saw her teeth digging into her bottom lip, attempting to stop it from quivering as tears approached. Spike kissed her temple and prompted gently, "Luv?"

"It doesn't matter. Things are good now, that's what's important."

"I want to know what you went through." He said, taking her left hand in his. Spike ran his finger over the diamond sitting atop hers, shimmering under the hospital's fluorescent lights. He smiled at her and pleaded softly, "I need to know."

"Maybe when we get home." Buffy nodded towards the door, swinging open as the doctor strode in.

"You can go, Miss Summers. You'll be absolutely fine.. cramps are normal at any stage of the pregnancy, but it's also normal to worry. I'm glad you did." She smiled and glanced at Spike, inquiring, "Who's this?"

"This is my fiance, William. William, this is Doctor Preston. She helped me through my pregnancy with Amy as well." Buffy smiled up at the doctor and added, "William is Amy's father."

The doctor smiled at Spike but he could see the judgement in her eyes. He whisked Buffy up off the bed and suggested, "Why don't you get dressed, then we'll grab the kids from Dawn and get home in time for tea."

"Okay." Buffy kissed him on the cheek and disappeared to get changed. Once she was alone in the bathroom, she held her left hand up in front of her and screamed silently in delight as the diamond glittered back at her.

*

Their conversation didn't happen as planned. Jacob and Amy were collected from Dawn's, on a complete sugar high, after being pumped full of candy and icecream. It was almost midnight before they finally conceded to sleep, after three hours of TV, another two of games, and one more of stories. Amy was the first to go - in the middle of the last chapter of Winnie The Pooh, she drooped down and fell asleep in the arms of her giant pink teddy bear, Russel. Jacob was much less co-operative.

"I want more story." He demanded, wriggling about as Spike tried to set him down.

"No, you're all storied out." Spike insisted, forcing Jacob to lie down. It still didn't phase the boy, however. Jacob started squirming about among the sheets, sucking on his thumb hungrily.

"I'm not sleepy." Jacob announced, sitting up again as Spike went to turn on the night light.

"Well, I think you'd better make yourself sleepy." Spike leaned against the guard on the top bunk and said, "Spidey would want you to go to sleep."

"Spidey's up fighting bad guys right now!" Jacob cried, grabbing his Spiderman toy and cuddling it.

"Well, he does spend a lot of time fighting the bad guys, but he's always in bed by now." Spike gently laid Jacob down next to Amy and whispered, "He'd be disappointed to know you're still up at this hour, cookie."

Jacob's eyes snapped shut and he whispered, "Goodnight, daddy."

"G'night, cookie. I love you." Spike kissed Jacob on the forehead and tucked the two cuddling children in properly, then tiptoed out of the room.

He found Buffy snuggled up on the couch, buried beneath a blanket that reached right up over her nose. Spike knelt down before her and plucked the blanket away, then kissed her softly, his lips lingering over hers until she woke. He smiled at her and whispered, "Thanks for waiting up, pet."

"I'll kill Dawn for feeding whatever she fed them." Buffy groaned, only just managing to sit up, her limbs heavy with need for sleep. She wriggled about, trying to wake herself, and complained, "She must have kept them on a sugar drip or something."

"Let's get you into the bedroom." Spike hooked his right arm under her knees, and curled his left around her back. Buffy snuggled into him, purring contentedly as Spike took her into their room. He pulled the covers on his bed back and laid her beneath them, carefully tucking her in, hating to think of an inch of her getting cold. He kissed her on the cheek and whispered, "We'll talk about that thing later, okay, kitten? You get some sleep."

"No, you wanted to talk." Buffy sat up and smiled sleepily at him. "It's important to you."

"It's important to me you get your rest." Spike pushed her down into the pillows and kissed her, barely brushing her lips before he felt Buffy sag, surrendering to sleep.

Buffy kept her eyes closed and let herself drift off, but she reached out and patted around, trying to find his hand. She smiled as his fingers laced through hers and whispered, "In my part of the wardrobe.. on the shelf.. there's a pile of boxes They're all coloured pink, but the bottom one is the one you need. Look through it."

"What is it?" Spike asked gently, caressing her face affectionately.

She sighed in frustration, his words constantly cutting through her peace. "A bunch of stuff from my pregnancy. Ultrasounds, photos, and some diaries I kept. I want you to read them. They'll tell you everything you need to know."

*
 

Today I cried so hard I almost couldn't breathe at the end of it. Why won't this stop? Can I really love him this much? He said I didn't. I want that to be true but it isn't. I love with with everything I have and now all that's shattered because he's gone. My heart's trapped, pained, waiting for him to return so it has somewhere to belong. Why won't he come back to me?

This punctuated every single one of her entries. Buffy went on for pages and pages, filling up six years, and around ten journals. For a day straight Spike had done nothing but read them, pouring over them for hours on end. He soaked up every single one of the words at least twice, maybe three times. Every time he read them, more tears would fall.

Giles says I need help. Dawn says I need help. Xander and Willow and Andrew and EVERYONE says I need help. I need Spike. I need him, and only him. Why won't he come back to me?

Spike was barely aware of what was going on around him as he leafed through her journals. He didn't feel Jacob's embrace, or Amy's, or Buffy's. He didn't remember the cab trip to work. He didn't realize he was at work at all. With her words and her memories and her broken heart in his hands, Spike was in a whole other world.

I saw Angel today. He had the nerve to ask me if I was baked yet. If I was done. I spat at him, I screamed at him, I hit him. It didn't hurt him though. I hit him for hours, possibly, screaming that I hated him, my weak fists colliding with his chest. I wish I was strong enough to break his head in. I wish I could hurt him the way he's hurting me. Can't anyone see? I will never be done now. I am forever cookie dough, left out to rot. Why won't he come back to me?

Then, in the middle of the first journal, came six consecutive pages with nothing but the words I'm pregnant scrawled over the paper. The ink was blotted, undoubtedly from tears. The pen had almost torn the page for how deeply Buffy had scratched the ink. It was as though she was trying to press the words into her own mind.

I had a sonogram today. I saw my baby. She's tiny, as small as the tip of my finger, but she's there. A little slice of him.. I wonder if she'll have his eyes. His soft skin. I hope to God she does.. I need him. I need to hold him again, even if he's not really here. Having his child would be wonderful. She'd be like me and Spike, bottled up together, all our love, in one tiny package. I need this baby. Maybe I do see fat grandchildren in the offing with Spike. But he's not here. Why isn't he here? Why won't he come back to me?

Again the ink was blurred, the page stained with evidence of her pain. Spike put his head in his hands and rested heavily against the desk, crying as her words sunk in, hitting him over and over, delivering agonizing blows.

I grow everyday. I get rounder and fuller and bigger. It's scary, really. It's like she's trying to tell me she's there, and she'll change things. But it seems like with every pound I gain, I lose more memory of Spike. He becomes so faint to me. After all, he won't be here. He won't ever hold his daughter or hold me or love me ever again. And as time goes by it just gets harder. I hurt more, and I remember less. I don't understand it, but he's fading away. I don't want him to. I want him here. Why won't he come back to me?

"Sir?" Spike's assistant poked his head into the room, his eyes widening as he took in Spike. "Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Elliot, thanks." Spike shook his head, expelling all the painful thoughts, and asked, "What is it?"

"Dawn and your son are here to see you." Elliot said, stepping aside to let Dawn and Jacob in.

"Thanks." Spike grinned at Jacob and held out his arms, laughing as the boy leapt into his embrace. Spike hugged Jacob and sighed into his shoulder, breathing in his son's warmth and affection. He glanced over at Dawn and smiled. "Hey, Nibblet. What's up?"

"Jacob was just begging to see you." Dawn explained, glancing in confusion at Spike and the journals spread out over his desk. "What's going on with you?"

"Buffy just gave me some stuff to read." Spike murmered, shifting Jacob down onto his knee. "What've you been doing, cookie?"

"Dawnie took me for icecream." Jacob announced happily, holding his chocolate-stained hands up to Spike.

Spike took a handkerchief from his pocket and started cleaning Jacob's hands, scowling at Dawn. "What'd I tell about you giving him sweets?"

Dawn shrugged and pointed out, "You can't not give a child sweets. That would be cruel."

"Yeah, it's cruel to dump them on me and Buffy when they're hyper." Spike finished wiping Jacob's hands and sat the boy down on his desk. "Why aren't you with Buffy? Last time I checked you were glued to her."

"Buffy had to go to the doctors." Dawn explained softly.

"Is Buffy sick?" Jacob asked, his forehead crumpling with concern.

"No, cookie, she's perfect." Spike ruffled Jacob's mop of curls and said to Dawn, "Did she tell you..?"

"You guys are getting married? Yeah." She smiled and sighed, "Buffy wouldn't let me leave until she'd practically shoved the ring up my nose."

"Buffy's ring is pretty." Jacob announced, throwing his feet down on Spike's keyboard.

"Be careful there, mate." Spike lifted Jacob off the desk and set him down on the floor.

"I'll get him out of here. I have to pick Amy up from her friend's place, anyway. You should come home soon.. it's getting late." Dawn scooped Jacob up and glanced at the journals again. She took Spike's hand and squeezed it gently, whispering, "She's happy now. That's what matters, 'kay?"

"Thanks, Bit." Spike smiled at her and Jacob brightly, promising them he was okay, but as soon as they were gone he turned back to the journals.

It was late, he always left by five. It was five thirty and he was probably the only one left in the office. People always seemed to be in a hurry to get home, but tonight, he was anything but. Spike had seen the shock in Elliot's eyes, and Dawn's, and knew he looked a total mess. He was. Her words, though aged now, were slashing through him like knives.

My due date is in a week. I don't want it to happen unless Spike's there. I want him to hold his daughter before anyone else. I don't know how to do it on my own. How do I explain where he is? Why should I have to? I want him. I love him. I need him more than anything else in the universe. Why won't he come back to me?

I have a beautiful baby girl. She has his eyes. She is the loveliest thing in the wide world. She's soft and sweet and loving and just a bundle of joy. When I hold her hand I can almost feel Spike. I still have the burns from where our hands connected. They still hurt. They still sting. Like his soul. I hope the burns ever stop hurting. God, I wish I'd done more. I wish I could have kissed him. I wish I could have held him and loved him. Well, all I have is Amy now. Amy. I called her that because it means 'beloved'. He was my beloved. I just wish he knew it as well as I do. Why won't he come back to me?

Spike turned the page, his tears burning slippery paths down his face. This page was heavier, decorated with photos, drawings, and an envelope with his name. It slipped from the journal and landed in his lap, staring up at him expectantly. Spike picked it up with trembling, tear-stained, salty fingers and drew out a folded piece of paper.

I've hardly been outside this room in days,
Cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays..
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it's then I realized the conscience never fades..
When you're young you have this image of your life,
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife..
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost..
But I will fight for you,
Be sure that I will fight..
Until we're the special two once again..

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two..
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
Cause we're the special two..

A knock at the door broke Spike's peace and his eyes tore away from the page, still burning with new tears that blossomed. Buffy was standing there, frowning at him. "You still reading those?"

She went to him and slipped down into his lap, looping her arms around his neck. Buffy glanced down at the paper scrunched in his hands and pulled it away, studying it briefly. She smiled at him and whispered, "I wrote this after I had Amy. I was so messed up at the beginning.. I just wanted you so badly."

"I can see that." Spike mumbled, setting her journal aside. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her softly, whispering as her lips moved down, brushing over his chin, "I'm so sorry, luv."

"I'm fine." Buffy grazed her thumb over his face, wiping his tears away. She smiled and assured, "I'm happy now."

"I never wanted to hurt you.." Spike laughed bitterly and whispered, "I thought I was protecting you."

"I know." She kissed him again and insisted, "I'm fine."

"Fine's not good enough for my girl." Spike caressed the small of her back gently as Buffy snuggled into him and whispered, "Are you sure you can--"

"Shut up." Buffy kissed him firmly and said, "I have two beautiful children, and one more on the way. I have a huge diamond on my finger. We just have this huge yellow brick road before us. I want you to quit whining."

"Just tell me what this is about." Spike insisted, grabbing her journal to leafe through it again. He found the page and read out, "I saw Angel today. He had the nerve to ask me if I was baked yet. Blahedy, blahedy, blah.. good stuff about hitting him and screaming at him.. ah, here. I am forever cookie dough."

Buffy smiled and murmered, "Kind of had to be there to get it. Important thing is.. I'm warm, delicious cookie.. all ready to be happy. I'm done."

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two..
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
Cause we're the special two..