Chapter 1:

"I'm sorry, William."

And with that, she left. Spike stared after her, frozen with shock. Tears stung his eyes to the point of burning, but he couldn't move. Finally, after several minutes of stupidly standing there, he fell to the floor and started to cry, clawing his face with his hands.

He sobbed until his throat was raw and his face was bleeding. The pain still remained, a dull throbbing echoing in the pit of his stomach, in the deepest cavern of his broken heart.

She couldn't love him. She was using him. It was all so awful to think about.

Spike had given her everything - his heart, his body, his entire worthless being was devoted to her. She'd stepped on him repetedly, broken him, driven him to almost complete insanity... and even now, when she tried to treat him like a man, he felt utterly hopeless. Unloved.. and unlovable.

Even when she was trying to be kind, her eyes were cold. Dead. The only time he saw a flicker of life in them was when they made love - why was she giving that up? Hadn't anything changed?

Spike edged back into the corner and drew his knees to his chest, burying his face in the denim of his jeans. His tears soaked the fabric, relentlessly falling from his bloodshot eyes.

Distantly, he heard the crypt door open, and heard someone gasp. He snapped his head up and stared at the visitor - Tara. She stared back at him with wide, pitying, worrisome eyes. "Spike? Are you.. oh, god."

She hurried to his side and wiped the tears and blood away from his face. "Did Buffy do this to you?"

A sob caught in his throat and fresh waves of pain consumed him. Tara put her arms around him and allowed him to cling to her as he cried.

"It's okay. It's going to be okay." She planted a tiny kiss on his temple, and drew a handkerchief out of her pocket. She held it to the worst wound on his face, hideously scarring his forehead. The cold blood quickly soaked the thin cotton, and Tara felt tears sting her own green eyes. "Honey, tell me what happened."

She listened hard as he choked out words. "She doesn't love me. She can't love me."

And finally, "She never will."

*

TBC - this isn't going to be a long story, it's just going to look at what Spike was going through with a few personal touches. It will be dark and angsty, but have I ever written a story that isn't Spuffylicious by the end? Please review :-)

Chapter 2:

"Tell me more." Tara said softly, cradling Spike in her arms.

The distressed vampire didn't reply. Tara hugged him tighter and whispered, "Please, Spike? Talk to me."

"She doesn't love me." He repeated in a hollow, disbelieving voice. He'd truly convinced himself she did.. and now, with a crushing feeling of defeat, he realized he'd been deluding himself.

"I know, honey. I know it hurts." Tara said, speaking softly and soothingly. "Tell me what she did to you. I want to know what she did to make you hurt so bad."

"She let me make love to her.. she let me express everything I felt for her, and it was so wonderful.. and then she'd just look at me with total disgust and run off. Like it was some service I was providing her, and once it was over, she could treat me as bad as she wanted. She told me I was revolting, unlovable.. a monster. I know I am, but I honestly thought I changed! And then she'd actually pretend to like me.. pretend to love me, even, just to get me to.." Spike trailed off, tears burning his blue eyes again. "I was her whore."

Anger flared through Tara as she felt Spike tremble in her arms and break down into tears again. She hugged him to her and waited for his tears to subside, and finally he whispered, "I was horrible to her. The things I said.. sometimes I didn't even believe it. I called her an animal-"

"Well, it sounds like she was!" Tara cried. "How can you blame yourself for this? She was using you, Spike, and she didn't stop until it was too late for you. Look at what she's done to you - you're one of the strongest people I know, and now you're just.."

As she searched for words, Spike stared at her with sad blue eyes, and Tara finished, "She's broken you. And I bet she's the one who gave you that black eye, wasn't she?"

"What black.. oh." Spike started crying again.

"How did that happen?" Tara asked gently, smoothing his blonde hair.

"We had a fight about.. something. Anyway, she was really angry, and I asked her to let it all out on me.. and I called her my girl. She didn't exactly take well to that." Spike winced slightly.

"And she bashed you up?" Tara asked through clenched teeth.

"Just a bit." Spike said quietly. "Well.. she broke my nose, actually. Cracked one of my teeth at the back as well.."

"And?" Tara prompted him to go on.

"Burst a blood vessel in my eye." Spike admitted meekly. "But, hey, I heal fast, and-"

"This is bullshit." Tara stood up and pulled Spike to his feet as well. "She's the Slayer! She's meant to be kind, and loving, and here she is, treating you like absolute shit!"

"Well, I am a vamp-"

"And after all you've done to change yourself! After everything you've been through, she still treats you horribly! You don't deserve that, Spike. Nobody does." Tara stormed out of the crypt, muttering things to herself as she went.

Spike blinked back tears and headed for the ladder to go downstairs. He paused halfway down - how could he sleep in a bed that still reminded him so strongly of Buffy?"

*

"How dare you?!" Tara yelled as she stormed into Buffy's room. Buffy was lying on her bed, flipping through a magazine. She stared at Tara cluelessly.

"Huh?"

"How can you be so goddamned cruel to him? How can you treat him like dirt and not even feel a shred of remorse? You only think of yourself! You say you feel so guilty for using him, but that's not it, is it? You feel guilty because you slept with a vampire! You don't care how deeply you've hurt him, you just care about being 'normal', or 'right', or whatever the hell you think you will be if you're not with Spike!" Tara paused to take a deep breath. "He told me everything, Buffy."

The Slayer's eyes turned angry. "He told you everything? That bast-"

"I asked him to! I asked him to because I found him crying. He was in absolute despair, Buffy. You've forced him to believe he's worth nothing! You've broken his heart and now he's suffering, and blaming himself."

Buffy blinked, shocked by Tara's anger. She'd never seen the Wicca like this.. or anyone, for that matter. Tara was beyond furious. "Just tell me why."

"I don't know." Buffy said quietly. And then, in total disbelief, "He was crying?"

"No, of course not." Tara sneered. "Of course Spike wouldn't be crying, after all, he doesn't have feelings, does he? He's just a thing!"

"You don't understand!" Buffy fired back.

"You're right! I don't!" Tara glared at Buffy loathingly. "I don't understand how you can treat him like that. But I do understand that you've taken a strong, confident man and made him one that's self-loathing, weak and shattered. You're the thing, Buffy. There is something wrong with you."

She turned on her heel and left. She opened the door to leave and bashed into Xander. He pulled away and smiled at her. "Hey Tara."

"Hi." She said stiffly.

"Hey, here's your official invite to our wedding. You can have a guest... hint, hint, Willow." Xander grinned.

"Are you giving one to Spike?" Tara challenged him, gritting her teeth.

"Well.. Anya wanted to, but she wrote one out, and I ripped it out. We already have a hoard of demons coming, we don't need one who's just gonna try and mack onto the maid of.." Xander paused, seeing the look of total hatred pasted on Tara's face. "What's wrong?"

Shoving past him, she muttered, "You people make me sick."

*

TBC - please review :-) Thanks to Cordykitten, Spuffy, Beth and BuffyandSpikeForever.
 

Chapter 3:

"Don't you look great?" Tara smiled as she straightened Spike's tie.

"I don't know how you forced me into this, but I'm not going." He slumped down in his chair and glared at her.

"I need a date."

"I wasn't invited. I can take a bloody hint - they don't want me there." Spike scowled and started taking his tie off.

Tara took his hand and pulled him to his feet. "I want you to go and face Buffy with me."

"Well, that sounds like fun, luv, but no."

"Please, Spike?" Tara smiled at him gently. "You can't avoid her forever. Besides, I saw Dawnie the other day, and she misses you. You'd think the whole tantrum at Buffy's birthday would've motivated you to see her a little more."

"I tried! I did. I went over there to see her a million bloody times and every time Buffy was like, 'Spike, we're not having sex' and slammed the door in my face." Spike frowned. "Bitch."

"That's the spirit. Let's go and show her that you've moved on." Tara dragged him out the door.

Spike yanked her back and stared down at her sadly. "But I haven't."

Tara didn't know what to say.

*

"Tara! Spike!" Willow grinned and hurried to greet them, and said quietly so only the Wicca and Vampire could hear it, "Aren't these dresses hideous?"

"Does Buffy have to wear one of those?" Spike asked, staring at the green silk, aghast. Willow nodded and a smile grew on his face. "Brilliant. I'm going to have a nice drink."

"So.. you find a date?" Willow asked shyly.

"Spike, actually." Tara replied, glancing over at him as he ordered a drink. She turned back to Willow and saw the redhead's eyes were bugging out of her head.

"Spike's your date?" Willow said in small voice.

"Yeah."

"Oh. Okay." Willow glanced over at the blonde vampire and felt close to tears. "I'd better go.. do the.. thing."

She ran towards the bathrooms, in search of a private space where she could cry, when Willow bashed into Buffy. "Oh. Sorry."

"Are you okay?" Buffy studied Willow carefully. "You look like you're about to cr-- oh good god, Spike's here."

"I know!" Willow cried. "He's Tara's date! Did I hurt her so bad I turned her straight? And worse than that, into demons? Not that I hate Spike, he's great! But I don't like him dating my girlfriend!"

"I'll talk to him. Xander needs help with his cummerbund." Buffy took a deep breath and approached Spike carefully, taking the seat beside him. "Hey you."

He glanced up at her, and Buffy was shocked to see his face contort with anger. "What do you want?"

"It's just.. I heard Tara's your date."

"Yeah." Spike retorted defensively. "So?"

"So.. isn't it kind of lame trying to make me jealous with a lesbian?" Buffy laughed softly, trying to make it come off as a joke, but Spike stood up and stormed away from her. "Spike, come on..Wait!"

Tara blocked her way, the same furious glare painted on her face. "Leave him alone, Buffy."

"Tara.." Buffy stared at her friend in confusion. "I just want to talk to him, and maybe explain-"

"What? Explain to him for the thousandth time that you hate him?"

"Well, no-"

"That you're incapable of loving him?"

"Tara, you don't understand!" Buffy yelled, drawing the unwanted attention of several other guests. She lowered her voice and said, "Anyway, since when are you Spike's friend instead of mine?"

"I was your friend, Buffy." Tara took a deep breath. "But I can't stand to see anyone hurt, even if they are a demon. You really hurt him.. I can barely stand to be around you right now."

"I just want to talk to Spike." Buffy said softly, guilt flooding through her.

Tara sighed, "You're hurt him enough, haven't you?"

"I don't want to hurt him." Buffy snapped and pushed past her. "You're not his keeper."

*

She found Spike talking with Dawn, smiled lighting up both of their faces. Buffy realized she hadn't seen Spike or Dawn this happy in ages.. it saddened her to realize she was the reason. "Spike?"

He glanced up at her and his smile faded. "Yeah?"

She gave him her prettiest smile. "Can we talk for a minute?"

"Um.." He really couldn't see any way out of this.

"Please?" Buffy took a deep breath to calm herself.

"Spike?" Willow approached him hurriedly. "Do you know how to do up cummerbunds? Xander's won't go on."

Normally any request to within a hundred yards of Xander would have sent him running, let alone one to help him with his formal wear. But Spike wasn't in any mood to listen to Buffy start on with, "I didn't mean to hurt you", or his all-time favourite, "What happened with us was wrong."

"Sure, Red." Spike smiled and followed her. He fought the urge to glance back and see the furious expression on Buffy's face.

"So.. Tara." Willow looked up at him worriedly. "You like her?"

"Sure, she's a nice bird." Spike paused. "Wait.. you don't mean.."

"If you guys are together, that's fine, I just.." Willow's voice started to wobble and it was clear that it wasn't at all fine.

"Sweetheart, we aren't 'together', as you put it. We're just friends." Spike chuckled. "You thought she and I were.."

Willow started laughing along with him. "I miss her, that's all."

"Don't tell her I told you, but she's always talking about you." Spike smiled. "You should ask her to dance, eh?"

Willow's face lit up. "You think she'd say yes?"

"I'm sure. Now what does the ponce want?"

"Too many pre-wedding beers. We can't get his cummerbund done up." Willow opened the door and let Spike past.

"Spike. What a pleasant suprise." Xander glared at Willow. "Please, include more people in this."

"You boys don't kill each other." Willow shut the door.

After moments of struggling with the piece of formal wear, it finally decided to hold. "There." Spike muttered and stepped away.

"Spike?" Xander turned and faced him with troubled eyes. "I know we hate each other, but have you got a minute?"

He could either spend his time with Xander bugging him, or with Buffy preaching to him. Spike forced a smile and sat down. "Sure."

"Have you ever been scared?" Xander asked quietly, tugging at his cufflinks worriedly.

Spike furrowed his brow in confusion. "Scared of..?"

"Not of stupid things, like martians or stuff.. real things." Xander swallowed hard. "Marriage, for instance."

"Why should I be scared of.. oh." Spike caught on suddenly, his eyes going wide. "You mean.. you? You're scared of.."

"Of marrying Anya." Xander finished in a mumble. "I don't think I can do it."

A long silence followed, broken when Spike yelled, "Are you fucking crazy?!"

"What?! Plenty of people get cold feet." Xander snapped defensively.

"You make it sound like you actually want to cancel the wedding, though." Spike studied Xander carefully. "Do you?"

"I don't know. I don't want to be miserable like my parents, though. I don't want Anya to nag me to death, I don't want her to cry herself to sleep every night, and I don't want to be trapped in an unhappy relationship."

"You don't know that you'll be unhappy-"

Xander cut him off quickly. "But I mess everything up. I can barely make coffee right, how the hell do I handle a marriage?!"

Spike paused. "You want to know what I'm scared of? Being alone. That's the worst thing I can imagine in the whole wide world."

"Yeah, I guess." Xander was quiet, shocked by the sincere pain in Spike's eyes.

"You've seen your parents bugger it up, so you know what not to do. And you know you love Anya, right?"

"Yeah." Xander smiled hopefully. "You really think I could make it work?"

"Sure you can." Spike stood up and straightened his jacket. "If you tried to run out on this, you'd regret it forever. And I'm pretty sure Anya would rip your head off."

"She has been planning for ages. And this isn't even the important bit." Xander laughed nervously. "Can you believe those dresses?"

"Bloody radioactive."

*

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight..

Even though she looked like Kermit the Frog, she was beautiful. He hated to admit it, and he hated that he'd actually convinced Tara to go and dance with Willow. Dawn had abandoned him as well to go and dance with some guy with horns, and that left him with Buffy.

Spike downed his drink in one go. He could feel her eyes on him again.

"This was lovely." Buffy said softly, wishing he'd just acknowledge her presence. It was as though she wasn't there.

"Sure." Spike muttered, signalling for the waiter. "Another drink?"

"Me too." Buffy agreed eagerly. She met Spike's eye and he glared at her, his eyes so full of anger she had to look away.

Because underneath all that anger, there was pain. And it terrified her.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight..

This song was her favourite song, and she wanted to dance to it. She and Spike were the only people not dancing, and even though she wanted desperately to deny it, Buffy wanted to be wrapped up in his arms.

She hoped he felt the same. He glanced at her nervously every so often, and she always met his gaze with a friendly smile. Spike continued to frown at her whenever she did so.

"Spike?" She started, and again he glowered at her. "Want to dance?"

"No thanks." He mumbled and took another sip of his drink. "Not fond of dancing, really."

"But.." Buffy giggled nervously. "It's all we've ever-"

"Don't." He warned, and grabbed his coat off the neighboring chair before storming off.

"You have really screwed this one up." Buffy muttered to herself, and rested her head in her hands.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart..

*

TBC - please review :-) Thanks to Spuffy, Kate, Cordykitten, Beth, Elanor and Mariana.
 

Chapter 4:

*

"I'm so not impressed."

Tara's voice woke him and Spike turned onto his front and covered his head with a pillow. "Go away."

She kicked at the pile of empty liquor bottles amounted on the stone floor. "This is gross, Spike."

He grumbled incoherantly and pulled the doona over his head.

"What upset you so much?" She asked softly, sitting down on the edge of his bed.

"Go away." He mumbled again.

Tara grabbed a big clump of his blonde hair and yanked his head up from under the pillows. "Talk. Now. Did Buffy upset you?"

"No." Spike sighed and sat up to face her properly. "Well, at least not directly. Just thinking about stuff. I should have danced with her."

Tara frowned, puzzled. "Huh?"

"She asked me to dance at the wedding. I just walked off." Spike scowled. "I shouldn't've."

"Well-"

"Don't start. Let's just leave it."

"Do you mind picking me up from college tonight?" Tara smiled at him. "I have a late lecture, it finishes at eight."

"Sure, sweetheart."

"I'd better go." She took his hand and squeezed it. "You'll be okay? I won't come back here and find you making out with the tequila worm?"

"None left. G'night." Spike turned over and buried himself in the covers.

Tara smiled to herself. "See ya at eight."

*

With the blinding headache he was sporting, sleep didn't come back easily. He got up reluctantly and lugged the TV downstairs so he could watch it in bed.

He was half asleep, bored with the re-runs of Passions, when he heard someone come in upstairs. He bolted upright. "Hello?"

"Hi." Dawn came down the ladder and grinned at him.

Spike relaxed, slightly relieved it was her and not the older Summers sister. "Hey Nibblet.

Dawn stretched out on the bed next to him. "Can I hang out here?"

"Sure." He handed her a pillow so she could rest comfortably against the headboard. "You alright?"

"Just bored. Nobody's home." Dawn smiled at him. "My homework's upstairs, can you help me with it later?"

"What's it on?"

"The Chinese Boxer's Rebellion. We got to choose, and I thought you might know about it." She grinned at him knowingly.

Spike smiled at her. "Yeah, I'll help with that. You want to put a movie on? Everything on TV's bollocks at the moment."

*

Buffy peeked inside, reluctant to enter without Spike's permission. She couldn't see him anywhere upstairs, so she slid inside and shut the door quietly. "Spike?"

She walked over to his chair and caressed the soft fabric. The non-Spike-hating part of her wished that he was sitting in it now, with her in his arms. They'd be cuddling, eating popcorn, and watching a movie. His arms always felt so good around her.

The non-Spike-hater inside her seemed to be overpowering the bitch inside her. Buffy sunk down in the chair and breathed in the scent of tobacco and cherries. His scent. Buffy wished she could be covered in it forever.

She heard voices coming from downstairs and headed towards the ladder.

Dawn rolled her eyes. "You think that was bitchy? Just listen to what Janice said-"

"Oh my god."

Spike and Dawn turned to see Buffy standing by the ladder, staring at them in total horror. Then fury flashed in her green eyes and she stormed towards Spike, hauling him up off the bed.

"Buffy!" Dawn cried, watching as Buffy shoved Spike up against the stone wall.

"Go. Home. Now." Buffy hissed. Dawn didn't need to be told twice, and hurried for the ladder.

Spike was trying to choke out words but Buffy's grip on him was too tight. "You bastard!"

She released him and he dropped to the floor. Spike stared up at her in fear. "What?"

"You horrid, perverted, disgusting BASTARD!" She punctuated each word with a harsh kick to his face. "How could you?"

"How could I what? Oh Jesus, my bloody nose is broken!" Spike crawled over to the bed and grabbed the sheets to hold to his bloody face. He mumbled words through the cotton, "Buffy, what in God's name did I do now?"

Buffy grabbed him and spun him around to face her. "She's fourteen, Spike! She's fourteen!"

"Who's fourt-"

"I thought you loved me!" Buffy screeched, cutting off any of Spike's protests with another punch.

"Buffy.. stop.. please.." Spike stared at her through his tears. "I don't know what I've done!"

"You slept with my little sister!" Buffy yelled.

"What?!" Forgetting his pain, Spike got to his feet and glared at her. "You think I did what?"

He loomed above her, a look of such fury in his eyes Buffy shrunk back slightly. "Um.."

"You actually think I'd do something like that?" He yelled.

"Spike, your face-" Buffy reached out to touch him but he shoved her away.

"What the hell gave you that sick idea?"

"You were in bed with her." Buffy mumbled quietly.

"Fully clothed, at least half a metre apart. Talking. Watching TV. That's it!" He sat down on the edge of the bed and clutched his head in his hands. "I can't believe it. I'd never do that."

"I'm sorry." Buffy sat beside him and put her arms around him. "I just jumped to a stupid conclusion."

"Damn right you did." Spike muttered, wiping blood from his face. "Jesus, you practically accused me of being a child molester!"

He glared at her and Buffy felt tears sting her eyes. "I'm really sorry. For everything.. really."

Spike sighed. "Stop crying."

Buffy snuggled into him. "Do you forgive me?"

Spike wasn't succumbing to any offers of affection, and simply snapped, "For what? Accusing me of being a paedophile?"

Buffy shook her head. "For everything. I really.. I feel awful, Spike. For.. well, like I said, for everything."

"I can't forgive you for everything. Not right now." He got up, pushing her aside.

"I never meant to hurt you." Buffy said softly, her hand still entwined with his.

Spike turned on her and growled, "But you knew. You knew what you were doing. You knew you were using me, you knew I meant shit to you, and at the same time, you knew I loved you. You just stepped all over that."

"I'm sor-"

"No, don't give me that bullshit, Buffy!" Spike snatched his hand away. "I don't want to hear it."

Buffy found herself close to tears again. "I know you're mad. I know you're hurting."

Spike snorted with bitter laughter. "Well, if you know all that, then why can't you just leave me the hell alone?"

"Fine." Buffy got up and stared at him longingly for a moment, and with a giggle, said, "So, I guess this means you don't want us to be friends?"

Spike failed to see the humour and pointed to the ladder. "Get. Out."

*
 

Chapter 5:

It was late on a Friday night, possibly already Saturday morning, when Spike returned home from a successful game of kitten poker at the bar. He'd only brought home three tonight, after letting Clem snack on two.

The two weeks Spike had spent avoiding Buffy had been easier than expected. All it had meant was either hiding away in his crypt for days on end with the door locked, or patrolling on his own. However, Dawn constantly begged him to come over, but eventually realized that he only would if Buffy wasn't there. Spike wondered if Dawn had realized exactly what Buffy had accused him of, but letting it rest seemed a better idea than getting her upset with her sister.

However, he also knew Dawn wasn't going to take forever figuring it out.

And right now he was shocked to see Buffy. Sitting in his favourite armchair. Smiling as though she was delighted to see him.

"Hey!" Buffy grinned at him.

"How did you get in? I locked the door." Spike glared at her and dumped the basket of kittens down.

"I came through the tunnels. With pizza." Buffy held out the box. "You hungry?"

"I don't like pizza." Spike was well aware of how childish he sounded, but he really wanted to get rid of her. He wished he could say she was annoying the hell out of him, but Spike was unable to stop staring at her. She looked absolutely beautiful.

"Dawn said you had pizza with her the other night." Buffy said, offering him a slice. "Come on. It's yummy."

"Why're you doing this?" He asked, placing the slice of pizza in the basket for the kittens to eat.

"Aww! Can I see?" Buffy scooted across the room to look at the kittens. "They're so cute!"


"They were more my idea of dinner." Spike muttered, flopping down into his chair.

"Hey." Buffy pouted. "I was sitting there."

"Tough. Shouldn't be here, anyway." He continued scowling at her.

"I just want to make it up to you." Buffy said softly, moving towards him slowly. "I.. well, I feel really bad."

She sat down in his lap and wrapped her arms around him. "Tell me what you're thinking?"

This was the first time she'd ever really acted affectionate towards him, and he wondered briefly whether to soak it up or push her away. Spike slid his arm around her waist and gave her a pensive look. "You want to know what I'm thinking?"

"Yes." Buffy whispered, snuggling into him.

I'm thinking how goddamned beautiful you are, luv. I'm thinking that we should be together. Then again, I'm thinking you broke my nose.. and my heart. I'm thinking of how much you hurt me before. I'm thinking.. I can't give my heart to you again.

"I think you should-" He was cut off when Buffy kissed him softly.

"I think you're really cute.." Buffy ran her hands over his chest, "In this shirt."

She started kissing his neck, and Spike wished he could bring himself to stop her. "Buffy-"

"I think that we should make up." She finished unbuttoning his shirt and slid it off. "What do you think?"

"I think you should go." Spike whispered, shutting his eyes so he could pretend she was already gone.

"No." Buffy whimpered, pressing her lips to his. Spike could feel her tears dampening both of their faces and pushed her away.

"I'm sorry, luv."

He opened his eyes and watched as she crawled out of his lap. Tears streamed down her face, and Spike took her hand. "Take the kittens. I'm not.. well, I'm not hungry, but I wouldn't eat the poor things anyway."

Buffy snatched the basket up, too embarrassed to look at Spike again. "I'm sorry if I hurt you. But I want us to be together again."

"I-"

"You're probably not ready yet. That's okay." She disappeared out into the night, slamming the door shut behind her. A moment later she returned and gave him a tiny smile. "But.. if you want to talk, you probably know where to find me. Sulking away in my room, ashamed because the only person who ever truly loved me-" Her voice cracked, along with Spike's heart, "-just rejected me. I wish I could just.. erase everything that happened."

He was nanoseconds away from jumping up and taking her into his arms, but Buffy raced out the door in a flurry of tears.

*

Buffy returned home and dumped the basket of kittens on the floor. She breathed deeply and counted to ten, then called out to Willow and Dawn. They came downstairs, all smiles, unaware of how torn up she was inside.

Okay, maybe not all smiles. Right now Dawn was staring daggers at her.

"Aww, they're so itty-bitty and cute!" Willow cooed, kneeling down to look at the kittens. "Can I have one?"

"Sure, choose." Buffy turned to Dawn. "You're still up at this hour?"

"Well, I had nightmares about the monster that is Spike coming to get me." Dawn glared at her.

"What's going on?" Xander emerged from the kitchen, holding a can of beer. "Hey Buff. I just wanted to say hi, well, actually bye, before me and the missus depart."

"Oh, your honeymoon!" Buffy kissed him on the cheek. "That's great."

"Yeah. Cute kittens.." Xander looked at her questioningly.

"They're from Spike." She explained, picking up one of them gingerly. "They are cute, huh?"

"So you hang out with him when he's not raping teenage girls?" Dawn asked, venom in her voice.

Xander's eyes practically bugged out of his head. "What?"

"He didn't really." Dawn rolled her eyes. "Buffy just accused him of it."

Xander's eyes went even wider. "Geez, Buff! Why'd you do that? He's not that bad. Actually, he's an okay guy. I mean.. demon."

"This coming from you, of all people?" Buffy frowned at him in confusion.

"Yeah." Willow said, equally bewildered.

"Don't tell anyone.. especially Anya, but Spike's the reason the wedding went ahead." Xander shrugged, unable to look anyone else in the eye. "I was kind of having second thoughts."

"And Spike.. reassured you?" Buffy smiled. "He is sweet."

All eyes fell on Buffy, who had a dreamy smile on her face.

"You okay, Buffy?" Willow frowned at her.

"Yeah." Buffy placed her kitten in the basket. "I have to go see someone."

"Spike?" Dawn asked, still fixing Buffy with an icy look.

"No. Someone else." Buffy patted her kitten on the head, and before leaving, added, "Make sure you feed little William."

"Geez, I'd better go." Xander said, checking his watch. He pretended to tip his hat to Dawn and Willow. "Ladies."

"Have fun, honey." Willow hugged him. "You're not going to have a big freak out over what is so obviously a big Buffy crush on Spike?"

Xander shrugged. "He's okay. For a demon, I mean."

*

"Buffy? What're you doing here?" Tara asked, rubbing her eyes. "It's like, 2 in the morning."

"I know." Buffy pushed past her to get inside. "I need your help."

"With what?"

Buffy sighed, and admitted reluctantly, "With getting Spike back."

*
 

Chapter 6:
*

"What in god's name are you wearing?" Spike felt a smile cross his face as Buffy swanned into his crypt.

"Come on, we're going Bronzing." She grinned at him, glancing down at her short red dress. He definitely likes it.

"Why me?" He asked, but got up anyway.

"Because everyone's busy." Buffy pouted. "Come on. We'll have drinks and dance and have fun. Please?"

"Okay." He smiled down at her. "Do you want me to put on my cute shirt?"

She giggled and slapped him playfully on the chest. "Yeah."

He went downstairs and Buffy flopped down in his chair. Remember what Tara said. Take it easy. She laughed quietly to herself. Like I can do that in this dress.

"You ready?" He helped her up and wrapped his arm around her waist.

"Sure." She kissed him softly on the cheek. "Let's go dancing."

*

"You don't make it easy for me, pet." Spike said softly as they shared their drinks up on the balcony.

She smiled to herself, knowing that she'd driven him completely crazy for the past half-hour with her body writhing against his to the music. "Remember what happened up here?"

"Mmm." He leant over and nuzzled her neck. "You don't belong in the dark, though."

"No." Buffy sunk down and rested against the rails, her legs crossed. "I think you belong in the light, with me. Not literally, because you'd get all sizzly, but you're a good person. You have a good heart."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Buffy snuggled into his arms. "We could be happy together, I know. It's Valentine's Day soon, as well, I think we should spend it together." She finished her drink off and smiled. "I'll just go get some more."

"I'll go." He offered quickly, but she'd already gotten up.

"No, I need to walk. My legs are all stiff." Buffy smirked and gently ran her foot up his thigh. "Something else is as well."

"Let's go home after this then." He smiled at her and watched as she disappeared down the spiralling stairs.


"Um.. a martini and a shot of whisky." Buffy requested at the bar.

"Buffy.. hey!" Someone reached out and grabbed her arm. Buffy turned and found a blonde guy smiling at her. "Xander's friend.. from your party. Richard?"

"Right." She smiled at him. "What's up?"

"He said you might still go out with me sometime."

"Right." She said again, itching to go upstairs and be with Spike. "Give me your number, I'll call you sometime."

Richard winked at her as she grabbed a pen out of your bag, and took it to write his number on her hand. "Can I have yours?"

"Er.. sure." She quickly scribbled down a wrong number on his hand and grinned. "See ya."

"Looking forward to it." He kissed her on the cheek, a cocky smile pasted on his face.

Buffy pushed past him and bashed straight into Spike, spilling their drinks all down his shirt. He glared at her and shoved past, striding out of the club before Buffy could even react. She quickly dumped the glasses down on the bar, cracking one of them in half, and raced after him. "Spike!"

He was halfway down the street when she finally managed to catch up to him. He glanced at her and snarled, "Bugger off."

"I was just.."

"Flirting. Giving him your number. Organizing a daylight date for Valentine's." He glared at her. "It bloody figures, doesn't it?"

"What figures.. Spike, I gave him a fake number." She grabbed his arm and held it tight so he couldn't move. "Please, just listen."

"I don't want to." He muttered and wrenched out of her grip, then stormed off ahead again.

Buffy almost tripped up and felt one of her heels break beneath her, but she continued hobbling after him. "I don't even like him."

"You do so."

"I don't." Buffy took his arm again and stroked the soft leather of his coat. "I like you. Not him."

"You looked pretty damn interested." He spat out as though the words poisoned him. "Or maybe it's just that you'd prefer a natural blonde? Or a human? Or just someone with a soul? You know, when you call me evil and soulless, I know who you're comparing me to."

"That's just childish." Buffy snapped and dropped his arm as though it burnt her. "You're so.."

"What? What am I, Buffy?" He narrowed his eyes at her, waiting for her answer.

"You're so unbelievable." She finished quietly and glared back at him.

"Couldn't you do better than that, Slayer? Aren't I pathetic, or evil, or disgusting? Aren't I just a thing?"

Buffy cried out in frustration and held her head in her hands as it spun, but whether it was from three drinks and a night of dancing or anger she wasn't sure. "I try to apologize and make it up to you and you just.. you ignore it! Jesus, I'm wearing this dress that makes me look like a hooker! I'm freezing my ass off for you! How long do you want me to suffer?"

"As long as I did." Spike replied, looking at her with cold eyes, but he still took his coat off and handed it to her.

"Why can't you forget what happened? All the bad stuff?" She asked sadly as she pulled the duster around her. "I have! I want to start all over again, and you just don't get how I feel about y-"

"You broke my heart!" He roared, cutting her off and completely silencing her. She gaped at him, suddenly soaking up all his pain in one go, from the fury in his words and the grief in his eyes. Spike turned and walked away, head hung, feet scuffing the ground. He said something, almost to quiet for her to hear, but Buffy just caught it before he turned the corner. "Don't come after me again tonight."

She started to shake, both from the cold and the approaching tears. Buffy wrapped his duster around her and started to walk home, feeling completely solitary, completely rejected, and completely, hopelessly, in love.

*
 

Chapter 7:

It was Valentine's Day. Two weeks had passed, and at Spike's request, Buffy had left him alone. She'd been mad as well - and the more time she spent away from him, the more time she thought of how horrible he'd been. But then she'd imagined what having Spike as her valentine would be like, and it seemed worth it. For the past fortnight, she imagined their bodies melted together, his hands all over her, his lips tasting her and touching her in the most pleasurable ways.

And even through all the pain, all the anger and sadness she'd felt, it seemed worth it. It seemed more than worth it.

This, however, wasn't. His door was locked, it had been for hours. Buffy had bashed on it and tried to bust it open but it wouldn't budge. Now, covered in cobwebs and dirt, Buffy clambered through the twisting tunnels, absolutely furious. She was clutching Spike's duster around her, battered box of chocolates in one hand, a stake in the other. Buffy flung the trap-door open and climbed up into the basement of Spike's crypt.

She was so mad she didn't notice the candles or the roses or the romantic music. She stormed over to Spike and grabbed him by the throat, pinning him against the stone wall. Buffy pressed the stake to his chest and glared at him. "I. Hate. You. I fucking hate you!"

Spike sighed and wriggled out of her grip with incredible ease. He held her at arms length and smiled at her. "Kitten-"

"Don't you kitten me." Buffy pulled out of his grip and pushed him backwards, so that he hit the wall again, his head striking the stone. She ignored his cry of pain and continued yelling. "I wanted the perfect Valentine's Day. It's now past midnight and I'm covered in grime from your shitty tunnels I had to climb through for hours! And since when do you lock your door? Since when do you deserve privacy? Since when do you deserve any kind of respect?! You're horrible and evil and.. and.. I hate you!"

"This is why the door was locked." Spike snapped, waving his arm around. "I was working all bloody day getting this ready so we could have a perfect night! But since I don't deserve it-"

"That's goddamn right, you don't deserve it!" Buffy screamed hysterically. "You keep pushing me away, and I don't see why I have to put up with it!"

"Because you made me put up with it!"

"I apologised." Buffy said icily. "Or is that not enough for you?"

"Buffy.." Spike sighed angrily and sat down on the bed. "I loved you. I tried to give you everything. But apparently that wasn't enough."

"I was going through a hard time." She snapped. "Why don't you get that?"

"No, I got that!" Spike yelled back. "I got that you were depressed and all you wanted was to escape. You know what you did? You trapped me. You hurt me-"

"I fucking get it!" Buffy cut in furiously. "I get that I hurt you! I get that your stupid heart got broken! You said it yourself, Spike, you're love's bitch. Just get used to it already!"

"I can't believe it." He said quietly, glaring at her.

"What? What can't you believe?" Buffy demanded.

"That I built you up to be this wonderful, kind, gentle, loving woman." Spike laughed bitterly to himself. "I can't believe it. You're such a nasty bitch, Buffy."

Tears stung her eyes but Buffy didn't let them fall. She didn't dare let him see her cry for him again. In a voice so cold it almost extinguised the candles surrounding them, Buffy said, "Thanks for ruining Valentines Day, Spike."

She tore his duster off and threw it on the bed, forgetting that she was only wearing a pink lacy bra and sheer silk nightgown. Buffy pushed past Spike and hurried up the ladder, racing out of his house, ignoring him as Spike called after her.

She got a few yards into the cemetary when the tears fell out of her, in anguished sobs that echoed into the still night. The hairs on the back of her neck prickled, and she knew vampires were nearby, but Buffy was too weak to think of her own safety. She could hear Spike running towards her and simply didn't have the energy to try and escape him.

"Slayer." A vampire loomed over her, a smirk on his pale face.

"Get away from her!" Spike barked and ripped it's head off in his rage. He knelt down in front of Buffy and started softly, "Luv-"

"Get your hands off me!" She shoved him back, glowering at him. "How dare you? You have no goddamned right to try and touch me! Ever again! Understand? We're over."

"Kitten.. look at what you're wearing." Spike hesitated, a tiny smirk tugging at his lips. "Or, the lack there of."

Buffy glanced down at herself and let out a horrified cry, trying to cover herself with her hands unsuccessfully. Spike wrapped his coat around her and smiled. "Come on. Let's go home."

"You ruined Valentines Day." She repeated in a mumble as he led her back towards his place.

"There's still an hour left." Spike said softly, leaning down to kiss her neck.

"An hour's not enough to tell you..." Buffy paused, pulling him properly into her arms, cuddling him close to her. "To tell you I love you."

"Say it again." He pleaded quietly, the words music to his ears.

"I love you." She covered his neck with kisses, moving her lips up to meet with his.

"I love you too." He smiled. "Say it again, kitten. It feels so good."

Buffy caressed his chest with one hand, stroking his hair with the other. "I love you. I'm going to love you all.. night.. long."

Spike collected her up into his arms and tossed her over his shoulder, making Buffy squeal. "We'll take it right past tomorrow's midnight, kitten."

*

The End