This was his favourite place in the whole world. It was so calm here, so serene, so free of any worry. William came here every day after school, sometimes to do schoolwork, or read, or think, or just sit and stare. He could stare for hours at the rippling turquoise waves hitting the golden shore, laced with white foam and the sparks of sunlight reflected. From the hill above the beach he could see it all - not just the scenery, but in his mind, he could see his future. He could practically taste it, it was so close. He was going to escape Sunnyhell and go on to be successful, happy, and undisturbed.

His thoughts were broken by the screeching of tires on the nearby road, the hooting of excited teenagers. William grabbed his books and was ready to make a run for it, realizing who it was. There were three cars, the first very familiar - the red SUV of his stepbrother, Angel, who was really anything but. Right now, Angel was jumping out of the car, pointing at William, leading his gang over to the spot under the trees where William stood, wrapped in tense silence, choking on his own fear. He didn't know why they were here, or how they knew he'd be here. It was like a nightmare, coming alive.

"Hey fag." Angel smirked. "What're you doing here?"

"Nothing." William said softly, glancing around at the crowd of people he knew from school, all wearing the same cruel smirks as Angel did, all watching him with malice in their eyes. He glanced at the girl practically glued to Angel, and wished that he could understand how something so beautiful could be so low as to side with Angel.

"Doesn't look like 'nothing'." Angel said in a cocky tone, striding over. "Probably thinking about her again, aren't you?"

He cocked his head at Buffy. "My girl. You get it? She's mine."

"She's not property." William blurted out, the words simply flying from his mouth. Angel's face contorted with rage and his fist struck William straight in the nose.

"Fag." Angel hit him again, sending William to the floor, helpless against his brother's attack. The other guys closed in, hurling insults, and hard, sharp, objects at him. Rocks. He realized it when one of the smaller pebbles cracked his glasses, a second hitting him in the nose. This was worse than usual, this was brutal and about more than schoolyard bullying. William would never understand for the life of him why Angel hated him so much, but he knew that until he escaped the hell he was forced to call his home, these beatings would be mandatory.

He didn't cry, though. The pain was terrible, and relentless, but it was like water off a duck's back to him now. What hurt more was the sniggers of the girls, watching him being beaten to a pulp, seeing it as some form of entertainment. Including Buffy. He barely knew anything about her, and she barely knew him, but somehow, she hated him along with the rest of them. They all hated him. He didn't know why.

Suddenly everyone froze. Another car was coming, William could distantly hear the tires trucking up the gravel road. He lifted his head, bruised and battered, and saw his dad. The other boys started to disperse, along with their girlfriends, along with Buffy. He and Angel remained, staring at each other with raw hatred in their gazes.

"What the hell is going on?" Giles yelled as he stormed towards them. "I got a call saying that there were people on the way up here to beat up my son.."

William briefly wondered through all the pain who had made the call. He was sure Angel was thinking the same - he had no friends, nobody came even close.

Giles helped William up and stared at him. "My god."

"I tried to stop them!" Angel insisted, gently touching William's arm. With false sympathy, he said, "Man, are you okay?"

"Like hell you tried to stop it." William hissed in response. "You started it."

Giles glared at both of them, disgust in his eyes. "You two are unbelievable."

"Dad, believe me." Angel pleaded.

"The one time you call him dad." William muttered bitterly.

"Shutup, fag." Angel said quietly.

"Right. I want your girl, but I'm also a fag." William glared at Angel. "Pillock."

Angel dove at him again, fists flying, but Giles stood in the way and held Angel back. "Get in the goddamn car, Angel. You too, William. Right the fuck now!"

A tense silence reigned. Angel and William were both quite shocked to see their father this angry, and shut up for the time being, afraid to speak again.

But once they were all in the car, the yelling really started. William didn't hear the words, merely the harsh levels of their voices as they fought. William just sat there, staring out the window, his fists clenched as blood poured down his face. He wished that they'd just put him out of his misery and kill him. He muttered softly, unheard by either Angel or Giles, "Just kill me. You don't want me. Nobody does. I'm in hell here."

But Angel was yelling at Giles hysterically, throwing insults William's way every two seconds, but Giles retaliated, more furious than ever.

"Fuck you!" Angel shouted, seething. "Fuck the both of you!"

Giles slammed his foot down on the brakes, making the car swerve and screech to a stop. "Excuse me? You don't ever, ever talk to me like that. I can't believe your nerve! To harm my son this way and then-"

"Your son! Your son! William always comes first. He's a retarded geek! Nobody likes him and I never wanted him in my life to begin with. I'm your son too, but you don't give a shit!"

"I do, god, Angel I do." Giles put his head in his hands. "I do."

William was the only one who saw it happen. He was the only one who saw the other car, speeding towards them, lights blinding, tires wailing in protest as it tried to brake in time.

It didn't. The last he heard was the crunching of metal, the agonized scream of Angel that was somehow music to his ears, and then silence, harsh, unwelcome, as William faded to black, slumping on top of his father's lifeless body.

*

 

Chapter 1:

William pushed his way through the crowds of students, hurrying to get to class. He'd taken the past two weeks off and didn't want to miss anything more for fear of falling behind. Of course, he didn't want to return either, for fear of what would happen when he got there. What always happened, no matter what. He be waiting for it, all day, on edge - to be bashed into a locker, to be mocked in class, to be taken behind the buildings and beaten up.

It didn't take long, of course. As he hurried to second period, he turned a corner, striding towards his locker to go and get his books. Just as he was retrieving them, a jock walked past and bashed into him, whispering cruelly, "Geek."

William cursed to himself and hurried off down the hall, the word ringing in his mind. Geek. Geek. Geek. Geek.

He was so distracted he didn't see a girl coming around the corner, also loaded with textbooks. They slammed into each other and fell to the floor, books scattered everywhere, along with the contents of her makeup case which she'd been fumbling with. Buffy stared at William in shock, wondering to herself whether it was the crash that had suprised her, or seeing him back at school so soon.

"Jesus, I'm sorry." He muttered, gathering her books up. "I didn't see you there, pet, really, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay." Buffy jumped in, a tiny smile on her face. "It was an accident."

"I broke some of your stuff." He said guiltily, holding up the two eye pencils that had been snapped in half along with a spilt bottle of nail varnish.

"It's fine." She reassured him gently, taking his hand in hers. "I'm fine, William."

"I hit you pretty hard.." He said worriedly, trying to figure out which of the books were hers or his. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah." Buffy stood up and held out her hand to him. "Are you okay?"

He shrugged, getting up by himself. "I'm fine, I couldn't see you with all these sodding books."

"I mean about your dad." She said quietly, lacing her fingers through his again. "I'm so sorry."

He glanced down at her hand, caressing his, and blushed. "I'm fine. Or.. you know.. I will be."

Buffy nodded, slightly unsure. "If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here."

He was suprised by this offer and fell silent for a moment. This was Buffy, one of the people who had made his life miserable for years, now offering comfort. On top of that, she seemed to be the only person who remembered or cared that two weeks ago he'd lost the only other person in the world who cared about him. William nodded and smiled at her. "Um.. thanks."

"Jesus, we'd better get to class." Buffy sighed. "I'll see you later, William."

"Yeah." He handed her the last of her books and watched as Buffy skipped off down the hallway. For a moment, he smiled to himself, touched by her offer of friendship.

But it could just be pity. And he didn't want any of that from anyone. William scowled and stormed off to English class.

*

"Hey." Buffy greeted Angel brightly, kissing him on the cheek as she sat down with her lunch tray. "How was science?"

"Fine." He smiled at her. "What's up?"

"I just wondered how William is." Buffy said softly. "I mean.. is he okay?"

Angel shrugged. "Who gives a shit?"

Buffy recoiled from him, shocked. "Angel.."

"Come on, Buffy, really." He snickered. "He's such a loser."

"He's your brother." She said quietly.

"Step. No blood ties." Angel pointed out through a mouthful of cafeteria lasagna. "He's a dweeb, Buffy, forget him."

*

She couldn't, though. And Buffy couldn't forget how dismissive and cruel Angel had been. It was as though he didn't care that Giles was gone or that William was mourning. She sighed angrily to herself and strode confidently into her new maths classroom, heading for the teacher. "Hi, I'm Buffy Summers, I've been transferred into this class."

"Great." The teacher smiled. "I'm Ms. Nite. There's a seat over there ajoint to Mr. Giles."

She pointed to a desk in the second row, right next to William's. Buffy smiled at him and went to sit down. "I'm not stalking you, promise."

He smiled in response but continued working. Buffy pulled out her exercise book and pen, then turned to him again. "Can I share your textbook?"

William pushed it to the middle of the desks, but still said nothing and kept his eyes set on the work he was doing.

Buffy got to work, trying to solve the equations, but it was impossible. She tapped William on the arm and said, "Do you get this?"

He nodded and said, "We've done it since the beginning of the year."

"I haven't." Buffy said softly, trying to make sense of the algebra in front of her.

He shrugged. "I have notes on it, if you need it."

"I'm not a ditz, if that's what you're thinking." Buffy said, blushing as he handed her his notes. "I was switched up here because I was the cleverest."

"Buffy. Shh." The teacher frowned at her. "Or I'll have to move you."

"Sorry." She whispered and concentrated on William's notes. She glanced at him and quickly tore a piece of paper out of her notepad, scribbling on it, You don't think I'm a ditz, do you?

He glanced at it and frowned, quickly responding, Of course I don't.

Good. She paused and added, It's just most people draw that conclusion from the cheerleader thing.

She turned back to the notes, looking them over slowly, then copied down the first question from the text. But the notes were no help - it was all just a mess of letters and numbers mashed together.

William looked over to Buffy again and saw she was confused. He took his notes and circled the right paragraph, then handed them back to her with a smile. "Look at this, it should help."

"Thanks." Buffy smiled back at him and then studied the notes carefully, and started to understand.

*

"Thanks for everything back there." Buffy grinned at him as they left the classroom. "You heading to the cafeteria?"

"Well.. yeah, I guess." William stopped and grabbed hold of Buffy's arm. "If this is just about pity, luv, I don't need it."

"It's not." Buffy insisted, rolling her eyes at him. "I just like you. I think you're a good guy. We can be friends, right?"

"Right." William smiled at her and took her arm. "Cafeteria?"

She smiled. "Sure."

"Hey fag." They turned and saw Angel glaring at them accusingly. "Get away from my girl."

William released Buffy quickly and stepped back. "I was just-"

"She doesn't need a filthy faggot like you touching her." Angel sneered. "Apologize."

"Angel, stop." Buffy pleaded, seeing the pain in William's eyes. "It's fine. We were just talking."

People had stopped to watch, forming a crowd around Angel, Buffy and William. Angel seemed to enjoy having an audience, and continued. "Apologize, fag."

"I'm sorry." William said quickly, and started to walk away.

"No." Angel grabbed his arm. "Say, 'Buffy, I'm sorry. I'm a filthy faggot and I shouldn't be putting my dirty hands on you.' Okay?"

A gasp ran through the crowd, along with several laughs from other jocks that were Angel's friends, and loyal to him. But most people were appalled to see Angel treating his brother, of all people, this way, especially after what had happened only two weeks ago. Buffy grabbed Angel's arms and hissed, "Stop. Right now."

"Say it." Angel challenged William, smirking, as though already screaming victory.

William met Buffy's eye and said softly, to the horror of her and everyone else watching, "Buffy, I'm sorry. I'm a filthy faggot and I shouldn't be putting my dirty hands on you."

He pushed through the crowd and disappeared down the corridor. Angel smiled at Buffy. "Come on, let's go, babe."

"Don't touch me." She snapped and pushed him away from her.

He sighed angrily and said, as though exhausted, "Buffy, come on."

Ignorning his pleas, she stormed away from him, wishing she could find William, but he was long gone. Buffy had seen the tears in his eyes though, the bright red of his face from humiliation. She hated to think she used to be one of the people who made him feel like that, and vowed never to be like that again.

*

 

Chapter 2:

Buffy had maths first up the next day, and for the first time since she'd started school, she was looking forward to it. She grinned at William as she sat down beside him and tapped him on the arm. "Hey. How are you?"

He forced a smile at her. "Fine."

She nodded and opened her books, ripping out another page that she pushed to the middle of the desk so they could communicate. Buffy smiled at him and waited for the teacher to finish giving instructions, turned to the right page of the text, and started writing. She did three questions before she couldn't resist it any longer, and grabbed the spare piece of paper to write.

Are you okay after yesterday?
Fine
Angel can be such a jerk. I felt like hitting him. I bet everyone else did, too. He's so insensitive.
I'm used to it, don't worry.

Buffy frowned as she read this over and over in her mind. She snatched the piece of paper and scribbled down angrily, That's not fair. You should't have to be accustomed to bullying. He treats you like shit. He calls you names and beats you up and you say you're used to it? That's not fair. You have to stand up to him.

She watched as a frown passed over William's face as he read it, and her heart sunk. William scrunched the piece of paper up and shoved it at her, turning away to continue with his work.

Buffy did the same, but everything was still a big jumble to her, and nothing made sense. She was too afraid to ask William for his notes, for he looked seriously upset by what she'd written. Buffy spent the next the next hour doodling all over her book, the events of yesterday stuck in her mind, along with Angel's words. Filthy fag.. filthy fag.. filthy fag..

*

"Hey."

William mentally sighed and reluctantly looked up at Buffy. "Hello."

"Can I sit?" She asked, a hopeful smile lighting up her face. He shrugged and she did so, laying her pom-poms down on the ground. "Sorry. I had practise during lunch. I never realized we had free periods together, huh?"

He shrugged again, eyes trained on his books.

"I guess it's cos I never come into the library. Hey, William.. I'm sorry for what happened before." Buffy said softly, reaching across the table to take his hand. "I shouldn't have said that stuff, I just didn't think it would upset you. But I know that you're thinking I'm one of them, I'd never understand."

He glanced up at her and saw that Buffy had tears in her eyes. She gave his hand a squeeze and whispered, "I'm not. I don't want to be like that - cruel and mean to anyone different. I don't want to be ditzy and superficial. I really admire you, you know. You're clever and you try really hard at school and you do well and I-"

"It's okay." He smiled. "Apology accepted, pet."

"Thanks. For accepting it, and for cutting me off. I tend to ramble sometimes." She smiled. "You're studying pretty hard."

William nodded. "History test tomorrow."

"That, I'm good at." Buffy said happily. "I like history. It's interesting and it's really just a whole bunch of dates. Ooh, especially French stuff. That's really fascinating."

"Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo." He challenged her.

"1815." Buffy smirked. "When was the Eiffel Tower built?"

"1889." He replied just as quickly and they burst out laughing. William smiled and said gently, "You're not a ditz at all, Buffy. Don't think that."

"How come I never see you when I come over?" Buffy asked curiously.

William shrugged. "I stay in my room most of the time. Angel doesn't like me hanging around if he has you or his friends over. I don't want to hang around, I like being alone."

"Same." Buffy admitted. "I mean, I like hanging out with the other girls and Angel and everything, but sometimes it's too much. All they talk about is cheerleading or football. Ugh."

"I thought you liked cheerleading."

Buffy pulled a face. "Come on. It's so.. ugh. I only do it cos Angel has to have a girlfriend who's on the squad."

"You-" William stopped himself before he said it, but the words hung heavily in the air - they both knew what he'd been about to say.

You shouldn't be his girlfriend, then.

Buffy blushed and said uneasily, "There's another reason I came to see you."

"What's that, pet?"

"I was thinking.." Buffy paused, glancing down at their entwined hands. She felt her face burning bright red again and wondered to herself why William, of all people, was affecting her like this. "Maybe you could tutor me? I just need help with a lot of my subjects at the moment."

"Sure." William said quickly, not wanting her to take it back. "I'd love to. What subjects are they?"

"Maths, obviously. Physics, which is basically sciencey maths." They laughed at that and Buffy squeezed his hand. "And.. maybe Lit. Do you think you could help me with all that?"

"Yeah."

She turned his hands over in hers and suddenly everything stopped. Scars criss-crossed over William's wrists, some white, some a darker purple, and it frightened Buffy. Her eyes snapped up and she stared at him in horror. "What are these?"

He snatched his hands away. "Nothing."

Buffy grabbed them back and stared at the scars. "Did you do this?"

William sighed. Yes. "No. Well.. it was ages ago."

"But.. why?"

Because I was fucking miserable. "I went through a hard time."

Buffy ran her hands over the lines and felt sick. "Do you still do it? Some of these look fresh."

"No." William denied angrily and wrenched out of her grip.

"I just wanted to know." Buffy said softly. "It just looks like some of those are new."

"They're not." William snapped and started packing his books into his bag, trying to ignore the hollow, haunting voice echoing in his head, responding to her question. He did still do it. They were new. He did it all the fucking time.

All the fucking time.

*
 

Chapter 3:

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you...

William returned home that evening, after a long afternoon of strolling aimlessly around the town. He'd left school, too humiliated to return, and too scared to go home because he knew sooner or later, Angel would turn up.

Not that they ever spoke at home. They each liked to pretend the other didn't even exist, except for the occasional shove Angel gave him when they passed in the hallway. William's arms were both covered in bruises from all the times Angel and his friends decided to knock him into things.

When he did come home, he brought two orders of Chinese food, as an offer of peace. It never lasted more than a few hours, but a few hours of peace was better than nothing. Buffy was there when he turned up, curled up in Angel's arms as they watched TV. Angel got up, and with a cruel smirk, took both the meals away from William. "Thanks. Me and Buffy were getting hungry."

Buffy glanced at William with concern and said softly, "No, that was William's. I'm fine."

"Are you going to make her go hungry?" Angel asked angrily, glaring at William.

"Have it." He muttered and stormed upstairs, into his bedroom, where he locked the door behind him, shutting everyone else out. Nobody was allowed in here, it was his place, and not even his father had dared come in here.

He felt like crying, but William didn't dare let Angel affect him like that.

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming..

William stayed up until after midnight studying, not because he really needed to, but schoolwork acted as a distraction. He'd read every word in his textbooks over and over, but he didn't care. Maths and science and english always had a meaning, they made sense, and he understood it, unlike other things. Like Angel, or Buffy. He didn't understand why he had to suffer, day in, day out, all at the hand of his brother. And William certainly didn't understand why Buffy was being so nice to him lately.

It was almost 12:30 when a knock came at the door. He went and opened it reluctantly, relieved to find Buffy there instead of Angel. William came out into the hall, unwilling to let her into his room. "Yeah?"

"Are you hungry?" She asked gently. "I made some popcorn. I'm sorry about before, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay." He shrugged. "Wasn't very hungry anyway."

She placed her hand on his arm and led him downstairs. "I know it's late, but Angel wanted me to watch this sports thing, and I was just wondering if you'd help me study for this science test I have."

"Sure."

"So.." Buffy offered him the bowl of popcorn. "Your mom's in England, huh?"

"Yeah, she went to sort stuff out with Dad's family."

Buffy smiled. "Wow. For how long?"

"Two months or so." William said softly.

"That'll be cool." Buffy reached for her bag and started retrieving her textbooks. "At least Angel apologized for the other day."

William stared at her. "Huh?"

"He told me apoligized." Buffy paused, frowning. "He did, didn't he?"

"No, he didn't." William said quietly. "He's treated me like shit for the past two days, not that that's out of the ordinary."

Buffy swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump swelling in her throat, choking her, forcing her eyes to sting with unfallen tears. Angel had lied - not that that was out of the ordinary, but this time, he'd done it to get her into bed. Before Giles had died they'd been at it all the time, and totally in love, but after what happened had happened, it had put Buffy off. And just this afternoon, he'd promised her everything with William would be okay. She blinked back tears and said softly, "I'm sorry, William."

"It's not your fault." He said, reassuring her by taking her hand.

"No. I think I should go." Buffy said quickly, taking her books and running from the house before William could see her cry.

No, you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me...

They didn't speak the next day in maths, and they didn't write notes, either. William and Buffy sat side by side, tense for the entire period, unable to define exactly what had upset the other person. Buffy couldn't concentrate, and simply sat there, her eyes boring into the blank page where her work should be. She glanced over at William occasionally and saw he'd done nothing but work. She assumed while her way of dealing was to avoid any stress such as maths, his was to disappear into all the equations and be in a state of mind where nothing but maths existed.

On the way to class, she'd seen William a few metres ahead, being shoved into a locker by Parker, one of Angel's friends. Buffy had felt like going and hitting Parker, but something kept her from going to see William.

And it was at the end of the lesson that she saw the fresh gashes on William's wrists, and ran from the room, feeling totally ill. Buffy had raced down the corridor, pushing the hundreds of students flooding the halls out of the way as she went to the bathroom to be sick.

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding..

William was leaving the classroom when someone called out to him. He froze, expecting another attack, but he turned to see Xander Harris and Willow Rosenberg approaching him.

"Hey." Willow said brightly. "You heading to the cafeteria?"

"Sure." He said with a shrug.

"Cool, sit with us." She smiled and took his arm, her other arm looped through Xander's, and they walked to the cafeteria together as though they were the best of friends.

They sat down with their lunches ten minutes later, William and Willow sitting across from Xander at the table. Xander grinned at William. "So..."

There was a long, awkward pause, ended by Xander blurting out, "So you're dad's dead, but how are you?"

"Xander!" Willow gasped in horror.

"I was kidding!" He said defensively.

"He's an idiot, ignore him." Willow patted William on the arm. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." He said, smiling at her gratefully, sure he could find a million things to thank Willow for. For daring to talk to him, for inviting him to lunch with her and Xander.. it all seemed amazing to finally have people to sit with who weren't intent on ignoring him for fear of being beaten up as well.

He glanced around the cafeteria, and saw Buffy sitting at the jock table, practically in Angel's lap. Kissing him, passionately.

To be hurt..

It seemed like the whole world stopped for a minute, or at least William's heart did.

To feel lost..

He'd never hurt like this before. William stared at them, horrified. He'd always wanted Buffy to not be with Angel, but that was because he knew she was better than that. Now it seemed like everything inside him was screaming at Angel to get away from her, because it felt like if William had to watch them together for another second he'd just die.

To be left out in the dark..

Not that anyone would notice. Or care. He smiled at Willow and Xander politely, and agreed to sit with them another time, before grabbing his bag so he could get out of the room. It felt like everything, even the air around him, was choking him.

To be kicked when you're down..

On his way out, he was shoved again, by Parker, for the second time that day. William winced as the pain coursed through him, but it was nothing compared to how it felt to see Buffy with Angel.

To feel like you've been pushed around..

He ran home, unable to continue with the day. Anger, envy, and pure, raw, pain consumed him, making his stomach swell and heart slam hard against his chest. Once he got home, he raced upstairs and fumbled through his nightstand drawer, searching for the pocket knife his father had given him.

And he started to cut, because it made him feel better. It made him feel in control. It made him feel free. Watching the blood was fascinating, it enchanted him in some strange way. William watched it pool around his wrist and started to cry.

To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like..

He cried for all the pain inside him, that had been there for years now. The sense of being completely alone, completely hated by everyone around him, and completely helpless. He cried for his father, the only person to ever really love him, to respect and have trust in him.

And he cried for Buffy, because he wanted her more than anything else in the world. He'd take another eight years of being beaten up, no matter how brutal, just as long as Buffy could be there to kiss him and hold him and make it better.

he swore to himself, if he had to wait a hundred years, if he had to put up with all this pain, he'd wait for her. Somehow, if Buffy was there at the end of it, it seemed worth it.

But she never will be, William realized, digging the knife into his skin again.

Welcome to my life..

*

 

Chapter 4:

Buffy went to find William the next day, determined to talk to him properly about what was going on. She found him in the library, nose buried in a pile of textbooks, studying hard as always. She stormed over and grabbed his hands immediately, eyes flying to his wrists.

"Oh." She let out a soft moan at the sight of new gashes and felt weak at the knees.

William glared at her and pulled away from her. "Do you mind?"

"Yes, I do mind." Buffy's eyes filled with tears and she sat down, unable to stand anymore. "William.. I don't know why someone so clever would do something so stupid and dangerous."

Stony-faced, eyes cold to ice her out, William simply went back to studying. Simply being near her made him feel dizzy - he looked at her and ached for her, and the warm touch of her hands on his drove him almost insane.

"William." Buffy cupped his face in her hands, pushing his golden-brown hair out of the way. "Please talk to me. Please."

"I'm fine." He said weakly, trembling as Buffy caressed his face.

"You're not. And after maths yesterday I was sick after seeing all those.. those things.. on you. You're my friend and I care about you."

"No you don't." William said quietly. "You just pity me."

"No, it's not." Buffy took his hands in hers again and studied the cuts. "You know.. I respect you, and I trust you, and I care about you. You're a great guy."

"So tell your wanker boyfriend to stop ruining my life." William hissed. "You want to know why I do this?"

Buffy felt tears run down her face and knew they weren't going to stop anytime soon. "Yes, I do. But can we please.. can we please go somewhere else?"

"Don't cry." He whispered, brushing her tears away with a swipe of his thumb. "Please, don't. Look, we'll go somewhere else. Okay?"

*

He took her to his place, the hill above the beach, at Buffy's request. William glanced around and shuddered. He remembered everything that happened here in an instant - the harsh words thrown at him, along with the stones, the laughs of the girls as they watched. The arguement between Angel and his father that had followed.. and then the crash, the roar of metal smashing together, the screams of Angel who, in the end, had only come out with a gash on the forehead. And his father, dead, covered in blood, his skin beneath blue and cold.

William wondered if everyone had laughed afterwards, when they realized what had happened. He wondered why they'd laughed at all. He wondered if they actually had any hearts, to see him suffer and perceive it as a form of entertainment.

"I wasn't laughing." Buffy said softly, as though she'd read his mind. "I hated what happened here."

"You still could have stopped him." William murmered sadly, sitting down beneath the trees. Buffy sat down beside him and rested her head on his shoulder, and the words came out, enticed by every small caress she offered, every comforting word whispered. "It's been happening for nine years now. That's when Dad met Cecily. I knew Angel hated me for coming into his life after his father had left his mother. It wasn't so bad during elementary school, he just ignored me. But then in high school I got these sodding glasses and I looked even more like a freak, and Angel hated me even more because his mom and I got so close, she used to call me her son as well, and it really started getting bad."

"How bad?" Buffy asked gently.

"It's gotten worse, but the same stuff really. Calling me things and making me say things and beating me up. He chipped my tooth one time and broke my arm another, but he made me tell everyone I fell down the stairs." William shut his eyes as if to block out all the painful memories and whispered, "I hate him. I fucking hate him."

Buffy remained silent, stroking his knee with one hand, the other running through his hair. William continued, not sad now, but angry, "I don't know why you're with him. You deserve so much better."

She paused and said, "He told me he apologized to you. He actually told me that everything was 'cool' between you now, and that it wouldn't ever happen again. You know why he did it?"

"Why?"

"He wanted me to sleep with him." Buffy put her head in her hands. "And I did. Sometimes I hate him, too, but I like.. I like.. I guess I like being popular. I like that people look up to me and I like.. I just like it. It feels good to know even though some people hate you, you have this whole safety net of friends. If something bad happens, they'll be there. And I know that with Angel as my boyfriend I'll get to be Prom Queen."

She heard William snort with laughter and batted him on the arm. "Hey, I know it's superficial, but I'd just love to be that. It'd be so great."

"What about all the people you look down on?" William asked, frowning. "What about all the people who feel inadequate because of you and all the people who get bitched about and hurt for no reason?"

"I know." Buffy sighed and looked him straight in the eye. "I hate myself for that. I hate that part of this whole jock-cheerleader thing, that we're somehow royalty and everyone else is shit. I hate that I treated you like that, William."

"It's okay." He replied, completely sure he meant it. "Buffy.."

"Yeah?" She smiled at him.

William smiled back. "Thankyou."

*

"Buffy, you're fucking late." Faith hissed the next day, thrusting pom-poms at her.

"I know, I know." Buffy muttered, pushing past Faith. "I slept in a little."

"How are we meant to practice for the big game when you're always fucking late?" Faith barked.

"Leave her alone, Faith." Cordy said in a flat voice. "We'll get it done."

"Y-y-yeah." Buffy stood up and suddenly the room started swirling. Her head became light and it was like she was floating for a second in mid-air.

Then she hit the floor, hard, and everything went black.

*

"Miss Summers?"

Buffy woke to a nurse gazing down at her and she bolted upright. The dizzying feeling hit her again, hard, and she fell back down on the bed.

"You've had a nasty fall. You fainted." The nurse said softly.

"Y-yeah." Buffy swallowed hard. "I didn't eat breakfast.. I think I just didn't have any energy.. everything was spinning."

The nurse frowned. "Well, you need to think about these things. I tried calling your mother-"

"She's out of town for the week." Buffy said softly.

"You'll need someone to take you home." The nurse replied.

Buffy thought for a second. "William. William Giles, he's a friend of mine."

"Is he another student?"

"Yes, but he'll have a free period now. He'll be in the library." She squeezed her eyes shut and willed the dizzying feelings to go away.

*

"I just haven't had anything to eat and I had barely any sleep." Buffy murmered as she stumbled through the front door.

William grabbed her to steady her and said gently, "Go upstairs and get into your pajamas, luv. I'll get you some tea and a snack."

She started up the stairs when her legs buckled beneath her and she fell, only saved when William caught her. He gathered her into his arms and carried her upstairs, whispering soft words of comfort in her ear. He laid her down on her bed and glanced around, smiling to himself. "Nice place you got here."

She smiled, her eyes still shut. "Thanks."

"I'll be back in a second with some food, pet." He helped her sit up, propping her up against cushions. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I feel a little better." Buffy said softly.

"Okay." Completely impulsively, William leaned in and planted a soft kiss on her cheek. Buffy stared at him, half shocked, half pleased at this display of affection. He left in a hurry, leaving Buffy to wonder what had just happened, and why she suddenly felt dizzy all over again.

*

 

Chapter 5:

Being home alone was a luxury these days. William didn't have to tip-toe around, or be afraid of getting in Angel's way. He could do anything he pleased, really, and today that meant lifting weights. He'd been working out this way since he was fifteen and he'd made a vow, after having his arm broken, that one day he'd be the one beating Angel to a pulp.

He was up to lifting fifteens, when the doorbell rang. William put the weights down and went upstairs, opening the door to Buffy. "Hey."

"H.." She paused for a second, taking in his appearance. William. Shirtless. With muscles. Oh my. She smiled at him, meeting his eye. "Hi."

"Angel isn't home, pet."

"Oh." Her eyes ran over his body again and she stepped inside the house, brushing past him on her way. "Well.. I just wanted to say thanks for.. you know.. looking after me the other day."

"That's alright. You okay now, luv?"

"Yeah." Buffy flopped down on the couch. "Look.. I know what you're thinking. Everyone has this rumour going around I'm.. you know."

He frowned. "No.. I don't."

"Anorexic." Buffy said in a whisper. "I'm not. I just didn't have time to eat yesterday and I had no sleep."

"That's okay."

She smiled, relieved there was one person in the world who was going to believe and respect her. "William, can I tell you soemthing? Since you told me about the cutting thing and why it happens?"

"Sure." He sat down beside her, and to Buffy's disappointment, he reached for the shirt he'd left hung over the armrest. She watched as he put it on, and smiled as she saw he didn't button it up.

"The thing is.. I used to kind of be that way. Not anorexic, bulimic." She blushed. "You think I'm a weirdo, right? A prom-queeney, bulimic, cheerleading weirdo."

"No." He replied gently. "I mean, the prom-queen thing is a little-"

"Pathetic?" She finished for him, smiling knowingly. "I know. But it's like my dream."

William frowned again, wondering to himself how someone could be so kind and compassionate and clever, yet such a Barbie at the same time. "You must have more dreams than that, sweetheart."

"I kind of do." Buffy shrugged. "But I'm used to the whole talking with other high-school girls thing. Which revolves around boys and prom-queening and which flavours of lip gloss we like best."

"You're kidding me, right?" He said through his laughter.

"No. God, I want to rip their eyes out sometimes." Buffy admitted. "I guess.. okay, if I tell you this, don't laugh."

He chuckled. "If you tell me you want to be a supermodel I'll have no choice, kitten."

"No!" She slapped his arm, scowling at him. "Okay. I think I want to be a teacher. I mean, I'd also love to be things like a journalist or writer, because that would be amazing, but I'd love to be a teacher and teach little kids things. I just think that it would be really rewarding, knowing you're changing the lives of children."

"That would be great." He agreed, smiling at her.

"And I know prom-queen isn't important." Buffy said softly. "But it's just nice to think I could be her."

"I understand, pet." He paused. "You aren't bulimic any more are you?"

"It was a few years ago I was into that stuff." Buffy said with a shrug. "I was fourteen. I don't do it anymore, it kind of wore off."

"You're beautiful just how you are." William said. "I can't see a way you'd be more perfect, pet."

"T-thanks." Blushing furiously, she got up, smoothing the wrinkles in her skirt. "Can I hang out here for a while? Maybe watch TV?"

"Sure."

"I'm just going to go get a drink." She said and hurried into the kitchen, still trying to erase the memory of shirtless William.

She returned with two cans of Coca-cola, and handed one to him. "Gimme the remote."

"I want to watch this, pet." He nodded at the TV guide. "You can choose what to watch next."

"Okay." She grabbed the magazine and glanced at the lists of programs. "Ooh, can't we watch this?"

"That's bollocks." He said, glancing at the program she was pointing at.

"Give me the remote." Buffy demanded, thrusting her hand out. "Please."

"No."

"What happened to gentlemanly-William?" Buffy tried to grab the remote but he held it over his head, keeping it out of her reach.

Buffy smirked at him. "I've played this game a million times, you should be warned. I have a remote-hogging little sister."

She pounced on him and tried to pry it out of his hands but it was close to impossible. William kept it out of her reach, laughing as Buffy grabbed for it desperately, and shoved the remote behind his back. Buffy straddled him and started digging her hands beneath him, trying to find it, when she pulled at his shirt and ripped it open. Buffy gasped and blushed bright red, freezing for a second. William started buttoning his shirt again, equally embarrassed, when Buffy leaned down and kissed him.

It felt different to anything Buffy had ever done before. With Angel, it was as though they were in a frenzy, or at least he was. His hands were everywhere, along with his tongue, and it often made Buffy gag. But William was gentle, yet passionate at the same time. As his tongue traced over her lips, Buffy slid her hands over his bare chest, still slightly damp with sweat, shivering as his arms wrapped around her.

They paused for a moment, gazing at each other in amazement. William was pulling her to him again when they heard a key turning in the lock. Buffy jumped off William and stared at the door, waiting for Angel to burst in and start screaming accusingly at them. William swallowed hard and said softly, "I'm sorry."

Then he went upstairs, leaving Buffy disoriented from their kiss, and confused by his apology. She had no time to think about it though, because Angel came in, grinning at her. "Hey baby."

"H-h-hey." Buffy forced a smile and ducked away when he tried to kiss her. "I, um, thought we could hang out for the afternoon but you didn't show up on time, so, um, I gotta go."

"Too bad." Angel smiled at her. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Sure." Buffy grabbed her bag and raced out the door, continuing to sprint all the way home. Sorry? Why was William sorry? Did he think I was mad? He probably thinks I'm crazy, that's what.

She got into her bedroom and slammed the door shut, then collapsed onto her bed. Okay, bad Buffy. Stop thinking about William. William is your friend, that's all. He's not sexy. He's not a good kisser. Okay, he's a great kisser. And he's very sexy. But that doesn't matter because if something ever happened you'd be proving everyone right. Everyone thinks you're a slut already, and going between brothers isn't going to help that matter. You are going out with one of them. Angel. He's great too. He is. He's your choice. Forget William. Angel is your boyfriend.

She repeated this thought over and over in her head, but it didn't make sense. She couldn't forget William and she didn't want Angel to be her boyfriend. All she wanted was to feel William kissing her again, his arms curled around her snugly, his body pressed to hers. All she wanted was to feel what she'd felt when they'd kissed - her heart slamming against her chest, her body trembling, her entire being wrapped in a feeling of warmth.

Buffy hugged her pillow to her chest, just as she'd done when she had first been asked out by Angel at 14 years old, giddy and ecstatic that Angel Giles would be interested in her. And after three years of being Angel's girlfriend, she should feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But now, all she felt was William, his soft lips against hers.

And as wrong as Buffy knew it was, she didn't want it to go away.

*
 

Chapter 6:

Buffy sat down beside William in maths the next day, offering him an awkward smile. "Hey."

"Hi." He smiled and they sat silently for a moment, immersed in the tension surrounding them. Finally William broke the silence and said uneasily, "Yesterday was silly, luv. I'm sorry."

"Yeah.." Buffy felt her heart plummet from up in her mouth, right down to the floor. "It was silly."

"Yeah." He nodded and they started working.

"We can still be friends, right?" Buffy took his hand in hers, desperate for some sort of contact.

"Of course we can, pet." He smiled at her again but took his hand away.

"William.." She started, but as soon as he looked at her the words melted away. Buffy forgot what they were altogether, she'd had them perfectly composed in her mind and now they were gone.

"Yes?" He prompted her curiously.

"Nothing." Buffy said dismally and pretended to concentrate on her work. She was fine. She had to be.

*

But the next day Buffy didn't sit next to William in maths. She couldn't bring herself to look his way even once. She could feel him watching her and wished she had sat with him. It wasn't just the confusing work, it was everything. She loved sitting with William and passing notes to him, chatting to him, joking around with him. There was this amazing connection between them Buffy hadn't ever had with anyone. Once again, she felt his eyes boring into her, and wondered if she could move over there. No. You can't. One, you're in a class full of people who hate you and if you disrupt the class the teacher will yell and people will laugh. Two, you aren't going near William today. Not after last night.

Buffy didn't remember exactly what had happened in her dream, but that morning she'd woken with a start, her mind filled with images of her and William, tangled together naked. Buffy blinked hard as the images started to resurface and tried to concentrate on her work. Luckily, the bell rang, and she could escape.

But apparently, today, that wasn't an option. As Buffy packed her books into her bag William's hand landed on her shoulder, turning her to face him. He smiled and said softly, "Hey."

"Hi." Buffy smiled in return. "What's up?"

"Why didn't you sit with me today?" He asked curiously, helping her to collect her books.

"I just felt like some alone-time." Buffy replied uneasily, snatching her hand away as it brushed against his.

"If I'm bugging you, just say, pet."

"No, no you're not." Buffy insisted. "Look.. here."

She dug around in her bag for a moment and produced a card with his name on it. "I'm having a party.. it's at your house, really, so the invitation isn't totally necessary.. but normally you hide up in your room during parties, or so says Angel.. and I just thought you'd like to be there for this one."

"Your friends wouldn't want me to." William said quietly.

"I invited Xander and Willow too, they'll be there to hang out with you. Trust me, half the guys who beat you up are scared shitless of Xander because he's always armed with sarcastic comments to embarrass them in class, and his dad's a cop. And Willow.. she's a girl, they won't hurt girls. And I'll be there." Buffy added brightly, smiling at him. "Please come?"

"Okay." He smiled, tucking the invitation into his bag quickly. "Thanks, pet."

"It's okay." She grinned and left the classroom in a hurry, then skidded to a stop in the doorway. "William.. I have a test after lunch, and I'm meant to have practice for cheerleading, but I can skip it. It's just, I failed my last science test. Maybe you can help?"

"Sure." They walked to the library in a companionable silence, arms linked. Buffy knew Faith was going to kill her for skipping practice, but today she couldn't be bothered. Some things are more important than kicks and splits and crummy pom-poms. Like homework. And William holding my hand...

*

"I need to talk to you." Angel snapped as they walked home together. He gripped her arm tight and dragged her along the sidewalk. "Buffy, we have a problem."

The fact I'm attracted to your brother? Check. Buffy sighed. "I know."

"Faith tells me you've been skipping practice and you've made excuses to get out of squad meetings."

"Excuses? I was sick!" Buffy retorted angrily.

They had reached his house now, and Angel shoved her through the front door. "If you aren't taking cheerleading seriously-"

"Do you hear yourself?" Buffy yelled, laughing as she continued, "It's cheerleading! It's just a trivial little pathetic thing."

"Like our relationship?" He challenged.

"I'm leaving." Buffy muttered, and went to go, but Angel blocked her way.

"We can't be together if you think what I do is trivial and pathetic." Angel said softly, caressing her face. Buffy fought the urge to shudder and moved slowly away from him. "Look, just say if you don't want to be a cheerleader anymore."

"You talk about it like it's the whole world." Buffy's eyes filled with tears, wishing that he was like William for a brief moment, so Angel could understand. "It's just a stupid dance with pom-poms that celebrates men being worshipped by women, it's sexist and-"

She could see Angel was either unimpressed or very confused by what she was saying. Buffy sighed and said softly, "I'll keep on with the squad."

"I love you." Angel whispered and kissed her gently.

She melted into him, hoping to forget everything, such as Angel's brother of all people kissing her. Buffy let Angel scoop her into his arms and carry her upstairs, knowing that he'd make her forget once and for all.

*

"Where are you going?" Angel demanded as Buffy started dressing.

"I.. um.. well.. you see.. I'm late for the thing. My mom.. she's probably waiting. Late. I have to go." Buffy pulled her top over her head and smoothed her hair out, then rushed from the room, mortified. I am sick. There is something seriously wrong with me. I just had sex with Angel and.. oh god, oh god, oh god!

"Well, I'll see you later, babe. Me and the guys were going to kick a ball around." Angel passed her, his lips landing lightly on her cheek, and he disappeared downstairs, shoving past William with a smirk on his way.

"Hey, luv." William forced a smile at her as he came upstairs, sweaty and shirtless again. Buffy let out a soft moan and backed away from him. "You alright there, pet?"

"F-f-fine." Buffy stuttered. Except for the fact I just imagined you making love to me rather than your brother.

"Okay." He smiled again and disappeared into his room. Buffy heard the lock click and clutched her head in her hands as it spun. She hurried into the bathroom and started taking deep breaths, trying to calm herself. She splashed her face with cold water and sat down on the edge of the bathtub, still absolutely horrified with herself.

Of course, the imagining had only lasted seconds, just like the action. But those few seconds had driven Buffy crazy with lust, again not for Angel, but for William. She wished she could slap herself and bring herself out of the horrifying mess that was stacking up around her. You are twisted. You are seriously, seriously twisted.

She needed a shower. She needed to wash the tingling feeling away that her imaginary sex with William had supplied her with. Buffy slid the glass door open and turned the shower on. Steam started to fill the bathroom, and she stepped under the hot spray without closing the door. Buffy already felt as though she couldn't breathe, she didn't need to be trapped in a glass cubicle surrounded by clouds of steam.

But the water did nothing to wash the feelings away, except for how disgusted Buffy was with herself. She stopped worrying about Angel, or anything else, and buried her hand between her legs. She sighed happily and disappeared into her fantasy, forgetting the world around her.

William. William touching me, whispering loving words to me. Pressing me against the tile wall and touching me, caressing me, kissing me. Buffy threw her head back and moaned, her cry blocking out the sound of the door opening. As soon as his name left her lips again, a soft groan of "William..", she realized he was there. His shocked gasp gave him away and Buffy snapped back to reality, finding herself completely exposed in front of William. His eyes took her in and before Buffy could say anything, he turned and ran from the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Utterly horrifed, Buffy didn't bother to dry herself, she just threw her clothes on, her shirt inside out, her skirt lopsided, but it didn't matter. She had to get out before the room swallowed her whole. But at least if it did swallow her whole, she could forget about what had just happened.

Buffy raced all the way home, her lungs burning, her feet aching. But that was nothing compared to how her heart was pounding, her head spinning, her face bright red from the humiliation she'd just suffered.

I don't care if I have to quit school. There is no way in hell I am ever, ever seeing him again.

She realized that her face didn't feel damp from the shower or the sweat, but tears pouring out of her uncontrollably.

*
 

Chapter 7:

"Buffy, please sit in your regular seat today." Ms. Nite requested as Buffy made way for the back of the classroom. Buffy felt her stomach turn slightly, but she went back to the front of the room and sat beside William. He glanced at her and then looked down.

"Can we please not talk today?" Buffy asked in a gentle tone, too embarrassed to meet his gaze.


"Sure." He replied quietly. "But, luv, first can I just-"

"What?" Buffy snapped, glaring at him.

"I'm sorry, pet, I am. I didn't mean for what happened to happen. I should've knocked but I didn't know you were in there and I didn't know you'd be.. you know.. doing that. I didn't even hear the shower going. I'm really sorry, luv."

"Fine." She said tensely and dug her pen into the paper so hard it ripped.

"I didn't see much." He offered uneasily. But Buffy gave him a 'Do-you-think-I'm-stupid?' look, and William quickly said in a low voice, "Right, I saw a lot. But it's not like-"

"Please. Don't." Buffy sighed and concentrated on the work in front of her.

"Right." She could hear the sad note in his voice and guilt swelled inside her. Buffy quickly leaned over and scribbled on the corner of his book, We'll talk after school.

*

Just as she'd promised, Buffy met William in the library after school. She dragged him right to the back, behind all the really old books nobody took out anymore, and they sat down together, leaning against the shelf.

"What happened yesterday.." She begun, a lump slowly building in her throat with her every word, "Look, I'm really embarrassed about it. The seeing-me-naked thing is humiliating enough, then there's the.. touching.. and the saying of your name."

He nodded uneasily. "Yeah."

"I think what I really need is to not see you for a while." Buffy said softly. "Like.. not in a friend way. You know? I don't think hanging out together is going to be easy and I do need a tutor but I'd prefer to find one who hasn't seen me naked."

"Right." William was suddenly angry, but not sure whether it was with Buffy or himself. He didn't want to wait around to find out, though, and stood up, grabbing his bag. "Might have been best we'd never been friends at all."

"True." She was about to explain how glad she was they were friends when he started walking away.

"William-" Buffy grabbed his arm. "Please don't be mad at me."

He glared at her and stormed out of the library, ignoring her as she called after him. He knew she'd be embarrassed by what had happened, and wanted to be able to respect her decision to not see him anymore, but it didn't seem fair. What am I meant to do? All I can think of now is Buffy. Naked Buffy, of all things. I'm in love with her and she doesn't give a shit.

He stormed down the corridor towards the exit, when suddenly his heart stopped at the sound of Angel's call. It practically sent ice through William's veins. "Hey fag."

He turned and saw Angel, Parker and another guy standing there, all smirking. William normally would have cowered, but today he simply snapped, "What the sodding hell do you want now?"

For a moment Angel looked too shocked to speak, then he smirked and said, curious and angry at the same time, "What did you say?"

William noticed Buffy coming down the hall and went to walk away. Angel's arm reached out and grabbed William's, making him wince as Angel squeezed it tight, putting harsh pressure on the bruised flesh. "Repeat what you said."

"I said, what the sodding hell do you want?" William repeated in a low voice, staring at Angel with cold eyes.

"Angel, leave him." Buffy warned softly, trying to pull Angel away.

"Do you think you have a right to speak to me like that?" Angel hissed, drawing his arm back, ready to strike William.

"I'll speak to you however the bloody hell I like." William said.

"No, you won't." Parker said, stepping forward.

William glanced at Buffy, and she gazed back at him sympathetically, as thought to say, "I tried. There's nothing I can do."

Angel stood back as Parker hit William square in the nose. William tumbled backwards, ears ringing as the pain shot through him. Several other blows came to his face from Angel, harder than the one from Parker. Then he felt two hands grab him by the arms, and William knew they were about to drag him somewhere to beat him up properly without the risk of teachers intervening, but he looked up and saw Buffy had grabbed him. She looked absolutely livid. "What the hell is your problem, Angel? Leave him the hell alone!"

Now Angel was too shocked to speak. Parker jumped in though, demanding furiously, "You're sticking up for this faggot?"

"He isn't a faggot." Buffy said in a low voice. "Angel, apologize."

"No way in hell."

"Fine. We're over." Buffy helped William to his feet properly and dragged him away with her. "Jesus, are you okay?"

"Fine." He muttered dismally, the taste of blood in his mouth, his face aching.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered as they got outside. "I wish I could do something, but it's like no matter what I say, he still hurts you. Maybe if you come to the party-"

"How's that meant to work?" He challenged her. "They'll see me there and make a fool of me. There's no point even trying."

"There is, you might-"

"Buffy, come here." Angel stormed towards her and ripped her out of William's arms. "I swear to God-"

"No, he doesn't want anything to do with you." Buffy said icily. "You're a heartless bastard, Angel, I want nothing to do with you."

"What about the party?" He asked in a hurt tone.

"Ohh, the party!" Buffy yelled dramatically, shoving him back. "Like, that's the most important thing in the whole, like, world! I don't give a shit about your parties or cheerleading or being prom queen. You don't know me. Why the fuck do I fucking waste my time with you?"

"Why don't we talk about this when you're not so PMS?" Angel snapped.

"Why don't we talk about what's really important, Angel." She turned and saw William had gone and cried out angrily, "Jesus! What about your brother?"

"St-"

"I know, I know. Step. No blood ties. He suffers day in day out because of you." She blinked back her tears of fury and said in a low voice, "He cuts himself. He tries to kill himself because of you. You've treated him so badly he feels he has no reason to live."

She could see the shock in Angel's eyes, also heavy with guilt, and Buffy turned away from him. "Stay away from him. And me."

She wished William was still there, because, just to hurt Angel, she would have jumped on him and kissed him. But then again, it wouldn't be just about hurting Angel. It would be about kissing William for the sake of kissing William. It would be about how she felt for him, and how she was sure he felt for her. She imagined William's soft lips on hers for the millionth time that week and sighed happily to herself, knowing it would be more than a fantasy soon enough.


*

 

Chapter 8:

William was lifting weights in the basement again when he heard someone coming down the stairs. He stopped lifting for a moment and sat up, meeting Angel's eye. Angel stared at him from the bottom of the stairs, frowning slightly. "Do you really do it?"

"Do what?" William laid back down and grasped the weights in his hands again, lifting them up and down once more.

"Cut yourself."

Angel's voice might as well have been the knife slicing at his heart. William bolted upright and stared at him. "What?"

"Buffy said you cut yourself." Angel stepped forward and reached out to William but he stood up and stormed past him.

"It's none of your business." William growled and started up the steps.

"If you do.." Angel broke off, staring at the ground. "Is it because of me?"

"Why don't you just bugger off?" William glared at him loathingly. "Stupid bloody pillock."

"Listen, you little fuckhead." Angel started angrily. "I don't give a shit whether you kill yourself or not. What I care about is Buffy. Because of you she dumped me."

"Go to hell." William left the basement and stormed upstairs into his room, locking the door. He went and sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the easel in the corner. The painting was almost finished, it's soft oils illuminated in the golden afternoon light. William reached out and caressed the curve of Buffy's bare thigh, slightly blurred by the clouds of steam. Her mouth in an 'o' shape, trimmed with perfect pink lips, her tongue peaking out slightly, he could almost hear her now, whispering his name.

William knew if Buffy ever found out what he'd done she'd hate him. But he didn't see this as doing anything wrong or perverted, it was simply for his own peace of mind. All he thought of was that afternoon when he'd walked in on her, and his mind wasn't put properly to rest until he'd started painting.

*

"I can't believe she broke up with him." Cordy giggled, glancing around as though to make sure nobody was listening, even though she, Faith and Amy were well aware Buffy heard every word.

"She's either a dyke or a schizo." Amy said, licking her lips maliciously. "All we know is she's a freak."

Every word was a dagger. Buffy shut her eyes, trying to block them out. They never mentioned her name nor Angel's once, but she knew. She knew in her blood they were talking about her. It stung her, really deeply, and she felt like screaming.

Is this how William feels? She wondered, sick at the thought. Is that why he cuts himself? Is that why he's so sad?

"What a freak." Faith repeated, sniggering, finally meeting Buffy's eye. Buffy glared straight back at Faith, determined not to break down. That was what they wanted.

*

"Can I sit with you guys today?" Buffy asked as she sidled up beside William and Willow who were leaving the lunch line together.

"Sure." Willow agreed with a smile. William glanced at her quickly, unsurely, and then looked away. His first thought was, There's something wrong. She looks all pale, disoriented.

They strolled past Buffy's old table, where Cordy and Amy were, and William noticed Buffy wince as she passed them. Something's happened.

They sat down together and Buffy smiled at Xander, across from her. "Hey."

"Hey, it's the Buffster!" He grinned. "You sitting here today?"

"If you don't mind." She said, slightly shy. "My friends have kind of gone cold on me."

"I heard you and Angel.. you know." Willow pulled a face. "Sorry."

"He's a jerk." Xander said. "You're better off."

"There's better people I can spend time with." Buffy agreed with a smile, nudging William slightly. She turned and said softly, "Wanna meet in the library for our free?"

"Sure, pet." He forced a smile. It's my fault. I'm the one who ruins everything for her.

She grinned and rested against him slightly, a small smile on her face as she, William, Xander and Willow chatted over lunch. It was the first time in years she'd been able to genuinely laugh at jokes, and also the first time it hadn't felt like her smile was so forced it was about to break her face. Snuggling into William, she realized this was the first time in years she'd had real friends.

I stole her away from her real friends. Because of me she's a loser. She's filth. She's as low as I am, now, at least to them. What the hell have I done?

*

"Your party was meant to be tonight, wasn't it?"

Buffy pulled a face and rolled her eyes. "Yeah. It was such a lame idea."

"You seemed pretty keen on it, though, luv." William said gently as he looked over her answers. "Number three's wrong, kitten."

This is wrong. Our stupid bloody friendship. I'm messing up her whole life.

"Oh." Buffy glanced at it and sighed. "I hate maths."

"What was the party in celebration of?"

"Um." She paused, putting her pen down. "Teen guys being idiots and dancing like drunken gorillas. Though.. how that differs to their normal behaviour, I don't know."

He smiled at her, again, it was slightly forced. "So you're okay then, after breaking up with him?"

She nodded. "Definitely."

They remained silent for a while, working companionably together. After a few minutes Buffy glanced at William and realized he was staring at her, a strange look in his eyes. "What's the matter?"

I'm sorry, Buffy. Goddamit, I'm sorry. He frowned, trying to find something to say. "Why did you tell Angel?"

"About?" Buffy prompted him uneasily, already aware of what he meant.

"About me cutting my wrists." William said softly. "I kind of told you that in privacy, sweetheart."

"I was angry. It just came out." She reached over and took his hand. "I'm sorry. Did Angel say something?"

"He asked what I'd done." William shrugged. "Told me he didn't care if I were to die, he just cared that I'd upset you."

She squeezed his hand gently. "If he said that, he's a bastard. William, if you ever really hurt yourself.." She fell silent, gazing down at the table, tears in her eyes. "William.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"

"What for?" He asked worriedly, moving closer to her. Jesus, look what I've done to her. "Buffy.. calm down, pet. You're causing a scene."

She stared at him as tears ran down her face and whispered, suddenly aware there were other people around, "I don't know. But everything I do is wrong. It always ends up hurting you."

"No, that's not true, pet." He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her. "Stop crying."

"You don't understand. Or at least, if you do, you're the only one." She sniffled and buried her face in his shoulder, mumbling, "All my supposed friends hate me. Angel keeps treating you like shit no matter what I do. I'm so sick of everything here."

"Let's get you home." William said gently, ignoring the stares of people around them. He helped her up and led her out of the library, ready to take her home, when Faith interrupted.

"Well, it's the fag and the hag."

"Go to hell." Buffy hissed as she turned to face her.

She smirked. "Soon as you tell me why you're with this loser, B."

"He's not a loser." Buffy said through gritted teeth. She felt William's arm slip away but she grabbed him and held him to her. "Neither am I. So why don't you just fuck off?"

Faith's eyes widened slightly, and she gasped, "B.."

"Don't 'B' me, Faith." Buffy snapped and stormed out of the library, dragging William behind her. She turned and grinned at him. "How good was that?" She threw her arms around him and hugged him. "Wasn't that great?"

Buffy then noticed William had a sad look on his face. "What's wrong?"

"Buffy.. I'm the one who's doing everything wrong. What I'm doing.." He sighed, trying to collect his thoughts. "We can't be friends without it hurting you. I have feelings for you and that's never going to work. I think what would be best would be.. if we stayed away from each other."

Buffy was speechless. She opened and closed her mouth several times, searching for words. When she found them they were jumbled, confused, just as she felt. "But.. we.. we're friends. Your feelings.. I have.. too. I.. we.. you.."

"I'm sorry, pet." He said quietly, turning and walking away from her determinedly. It's better this way. It is.

*
 

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