Definition of a Monster 3

GG Noel

Chapter One

She puts a lot of effort into keeping it together, her willed illusion of comfort and stability, the words flowing from left to right, the routines of love; but underneath is darkness. Menace, chaos, cities aflame, towers crashing down, the anarchy of deep water.

--Margaret Atwood

I wake up and look around. I smell something, a white rose on the pillow next to me. I sit up and realize he's gone. He has to be, the room is covered in sunlight. There's a box sitting on the table near the window. On the box is a note with my name on it.

I open it, and pull out three sheets of paper in Spike's handwriting. I sit on the bed and read,

Dearest Buffy,

I almost wish I was there, because you're probably waking up brassed off, and you're beautiful when you wake and when you're mad, and I don't know if I could stand the combination. But I can't be there, and I know that now. I know a lot of things now.

I know you'll never love me. I've told you that before, but some part of me still wanted to believe it wasn't true. Now, it doesn't matter, because I know the truth. People make unrequited love out to be such a tragedy for the one who's in love. It's not. It's just a test. A test of how true that love is, because if you love someone, they don't have to love you back. True love is selfless, non-possessive. It's about how it makes you feel, what they give you by simply being who they are. And Miss Summers, you've given me a lot. You gave it to me whether I wanted it or not. I don't need for you to declare that you're mine, swear undying love. That won't make me love you any more than I already do. But know that I'm yours. It's the one blessing I can count. Loving you has made me a man again. For that, I can't thank you enough.

But we both know I'm not a man, I'm a monster. A monster that's coming for you. I screwed up when I broke Dru's neck. He'll be coming for me, and we both know you'll be the first person he kills, just to spite me. And he'll do it. You know I'm right. It's like some bleeding Twilight Zone episode, the thing that can destroy what I hold most dear is myself. So I'm going to try and keep my promise to you, Buffy. I'm going to keep Dawn safe. To me, keeping her sister alive ranks pretty high on the list of things that would keep the niblet safe. And it's not like I don't have a stake in the matter, no pun intended.

I'm not coming back if this is to end. Perhaps you'll have never known me, and maybe that's not such a bad thing. It's selfish of me, I know, but I can die happy knowing you're safe, alive and happy. Me leaving is the safe and alive part, the contents of the box are the happy. When you get back (and I know you will) give it to Peaches if it suits your fancy if he ever becomes of the souled again. Maybe if I didn't exist, he wouldn't have lost it the first time. I know part of you dreams for a normal life. This is as close as I can come to providing that, dear. We both know your life will never be normal, but maybe this will let it appear so, and keep you from some pain. Nothing hurts me like you in pain, and you'll forgive me for this selfishness. This is my choice, Buffy. Do not feel guilty about it, like I know you want to. You've nothing to feel guilty about. The kiss we shared on the dance floor last night was the most perfect moment I've ever known, and to me it was proof that whatever sacrifice you might think I'm making is not near what I would be willing to pay to insure your safety.

I know you'll still want to go after Grannie Wicca, and I won't try and stop you. I'll only ask you to wait, to give me time to draw him away, and for some people to arrive. I've asked my brother to find some people to help you and they should arrive in a couple of days. You won't have to worry about trusting them. You'll understand when they arrive. If you still remember me when this is all over, tell Dawn that I love her, and put some flowers on Joyce's grave for me.

Yours always,

Spike

I realize I can't read the last few lines because I'm crying. I look out the window and watch the birds sitting on the ledge. I want to take the box and throw it at them. Instead I open it.

I take it out and look at it, then start crying again. The Ring of Amara. He had it, and he's giving to me, to give to Angel. God damn it, he loves me. He loves me. Too damn much.

I take the box and chuck it through the window…I miss the pigeons.

I'm sitting there staring at the broken glass when Elena knocks on the door.

"Buffy….may I come in?"

"Sure, sure," I say, wiping away tears. "What can I do for you…"

"General Sumner called. He's contacted the people Spike wanted to speak to. They should be here the day after tomorrow."

"Why so long?"

"It appears they had to come from America…"

"Oh…okay…" I say, palming the ring. Probably not something I want the Council to know I have. "Did…did Spike tell you he was leaving…?"

"Yes…he did…and he told me why…I find it simply…"

"Stupid?"

"Unbelievable was the word I was looking for. He truly does love you, doesn't he…"

"Oh, yeah," I say, going a little over the top. "He loves me so much, he's going to get himself killed…"

"Pardon me…but isn't he the best equipped to handle this situation? I mean, after all, he's…him…"

"No…no he's not…that Spike…he's a cold blooded killer…a monster…and my Spike..he's…."

"Not?"

"No…he's not…I mean he is, but…besides…if anyone's going to kill him, it's going to be me." I find myself crying again. I bury my head in my hands. Why is this happening? Spike left. He never leaves. He's always there. Always here. Beside me. Giving me a hard time. Making me fight. Making me laugh. Damn him for leaving.

He knows I have to go after Willow's grandmother. And he doesn't even know about Simone's father, but he could probably tell something was up. I can't hide things from him for some reason. I never could. Why doesn't it work the other way around?

"So," says Elena, "How long has he been `your' Spike?"

"You make him sound like a sex toy," I laugh…

She blushes…I forget I'm talking to a prissy English lady…

"Well, that's not what I call mine…"she says.

"Oh…my…god…" I'm laughing again. Maybe she's not so prissy.

"So…how long…"

"I don't know…I mean…for so long, he was just there…wouldn't go away…that was before I died…"

"Which time?" she grins.

"The second time…I didn't know him the first time…and after I came back…he …he was a rock. If I couldn't count on anything else, I could count on Spike. He never changed. Never treated me any different."

"He let you be you…"

"Even when I wouldn't…I never thought to just let him be him…"

"Well, I think he has a pretty good idea of who you are…and of who he is…and who he isn't."

I look over at her. "Do you know who we are…I mean besides a slayer and a vampire?"

"Other than two people who seem to mean a lot to each other…no…"

I stand up and take a shard of glass in my hand.

"Sorry about the window…"

"It's alright. It's not often we have the Slayer Queen in residence."

"You really believe that?"

"After seeing what Spike is doing for you? I don't doubt it. But you know what…I don't think it has anything to do with you being the Slayer Queen."

"Then what?"

"It's about you being Buffy. Being who you are."

She's smiling at me. She reminds me of my mom.

"Are you married, Elena?"

"I was engaged."

"You were?"

"He was killed in the early days of the war."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"Was..was he your first love…?"

"Yes….yes he was…"

"How do you get past it…I mean, do you think you can do it again?"

"It? Do you mean sex or love?"

"Love…"

"I hope so…I still hope to have children one day…"

"Children…whoa…something I've not really thought about…"

"Being a slayer I would think not. But you are the Slayer Queen. If any slayer has the opportunity to be a mother, it's you."

"You think?"

"The legends say you make the impossible possible."

Yeah right. "You think?"

"I just saw a soulless remorseless killer leave here crying because he was sacrificing himself for love…it that's not making the impossible possible I don't know what is…"

"He was crying…"

"He tried not to show it, but he was. I didn't even know vampires could cry."

Damn you, Spike.

Two nights later there's a knock at the door. I open it, and stare at the two men standing there. I can't help but smile. Thank you, Spike.

Chapter Two

Despite what you see on The Guns of Navarone or Where Eagles Dare, it's really not as easy as all that to move behind enemy lines. Especially when you have peroxide blonde hair and can only move at night. Hogan's Heroes, it's bloody not.

So I improvise. Show a little game face and it'll get you far. Winter's coming on, so I figure the farther north I go, the more night I'll get. Besides, I know Buffy won't like the cold. Discourage her from following me. It won't discourage him, though. I've never minded the cold, and neither will he.

He'll take advantage of Hitler's resources, the prat, anywhere I go on the continent, he'll likely know about it, and beat me there. If anything makes this easier, it's that he's in cahoots with the dictator. In my heart I know that was something I'd never do. But he's not me, then, is he, at the heart of things. Change a point in time, change who you are. He's still enough of me that I know that's not an option. So north I go. Besides, if memory serves me right, there's somewhere this general direction where Hitler wasn't having such a bonnie time of it. I dropped a few crumbs when I stopped in Aberdeen. He probably already knows where I'm headed. In order to get there, he'll have to drop the midget, at least partially.

I've been on the boat for four days now, and only had to spend the first day under deck. This far north, there's only sunlight a couple of hours a day this time of year. I wonder why more vampires don't move north in the winter, like a reverse exodus of birds. Go away, pretty chirpies, hello nasty vamps. Wouldn't that be quite the yearly processional. The Swallows of Capistrano, the Nosferatu of Oslo.

<Mr. Summers?> says the deckhand. <We'll be in port within the hour.>

I know, Summers isn't that different from my real name, and Buffy would spot it in a minute. I'm not worried about Buffy spotting it, because she knows I'm right. Despite all the protests, she was always good about listening to me about the important things. But seeing Morris made me think of family again, and I had to be honest myself. The Summers were my family now. Joyce pouring me some cocoa, discussing our soap, and listening to me prattle on about my problems….The Nibblet showing up at all hours, and listening to my stories…and Buffy…threatening to kill me, fighting at my side….being Buffy. If I was truly honest, all the Scoobies were my family. Even that stuffy Watcher and the Harris boy. Now I understand why they didn't like me at first. If I was them, I'd resist me being there too. Especially now. If there was ever any proof that I'm a threat to Buffy, this is it. I think Rupert would approve of what I'm doing.

As the ship pulls into the harbor, it looks deserted. I chance looking up at the sun, and I'll be damned if I can tell if it's day or night. We cleared the last of the ice a few hours back, but frost still covers the chains on the anchors of every ship in the port. We seem to be the only ship that has moved in quite a while.

The ship docks and the deckhands are quick to start unloading the cargo. I'm the only passenger. The rest of the ship is filled with weapons and ammunition, from America by way of England. I think half the crew thought I was some sort of spy, half didn't know what to think. Some of the old hands I could tell knew what I was. Wearing garlic necklaces around a chap tends to make one think they know you're a vampire. Beats me all to hell where they got the garlic.

I make my way down to where there are some trucks loading weapons. There are some men standing there in the cold, smoking some cheap cigarettes. I hand them a couple of my English silk-cuts and light them up.

<Hello, Comrades>

They all raise their heads in acknowledgment, thankful for real tobacco.

<Where would you be wanting to go?> asks the guy who looks to be the big dog.

<Yes, I do.> I pull a bottle from my coat, and show it too him. <Real vodka, lads. From before the war…>

<Stalingrad, eh…>

<Yeah, comrade. This bottle, and four more like it are all yours if you get me to Stalingrad, and overlook a few of my eccentricities…> I say, putting my arm around him.

<Eccentricities…what sort of eccentricities…>

<Well, you see, I have this thing about mirrors…and you know somewhere where I can get a good, rare steak? I mean bloody…>

Chapter Three

"Hello, Whistler."

"Hey, Buffy," he says.

"You…you know who I am?"

"Yeah," he says walking into the room. "I'm part chaos demon. Time's not all that linear to me…"

"Chaos demons? Aren't they the one's with…"

"The antler's, yeah. You should see my mom, she's got a rack on her like you wouldn't believe…"

I try not to laugh…I look back in the doorway, and the other man's still standing there…

"Come in," I say.

He walks in, and looks around like the roof's about to cave in on him. His clothes are falling apart, he smells, and he looks overall disheveled. Disheveled? Did I just use that word? Willow would be proud of me.

"What about him? Is he going to remember?"

"That'll all be taken care of, once we get the Wicca."

"So Willow's grandma was a witch, too."

"Until Willow, she was the most powerful one there was…"

"And the Nazi's still got her."

"Nazis did a lot of things."

"I'm getting that picture." I look back at the other man. "And you…you up for this?"

"I don't know much…He told me to come…and for some reason I did…"

"Well, I'm glad you're here, but you're going to have to get yourself together before we leave. I'm not taking any chances on this, even if it is you…"

"Me, I don't understand…"

This is going to be hard. He's never met me. He won't for another fifty years. "First thing, we do we're cleaning you up. You're not going to be able to sneak up on anyone smelling like that…"

Elena comes up and takes him to get a shower. I sit and look at Whistler…

"If time isn't linear for you…can you tell me what's going to happen…?"

"I know what can happen…that's it.."

"Do you know if he's safe…?"

"Which one….?"

"Both of them….either…"

"Yeah…they are…"

"What happens if he kills…if he kills the other one…?"

"I don't know. Maybe he never existed….maybe nothing…"

"Nothing…so there's a chance he can do it, and still be here?"

"You two aren't supposed to be here in the first place. You've already changed things by killing Simone…from then on, this wasn't where you came from…"

"So…is there any way to get back…?"

"Yeah…but not for a while. You'll have to stick it out here for a little bit…"

"How long's a while?"

"A while, I don't know. What do I look like, Albert Einstein? All I know is that you have to get the Wicca back…if you do that, you can take care of Willow and your boy…"

"And you're on my side in this?"

"The Powers want you back where you belong. Things have happened back there that weren't supposed to…"

"Angel?"

He nods… "That went down bad. You've got to fix it."

"How can I from here…?"

"There's a way."

"And you're not going to tell me, are you?"

"No, but hey, I get to go with you on this one."

"Great, just great…just what I need, you'll annoy the Nazis to death…"

"Buffy?" said Elena. "She was standing in the doorway, glancing back down the hall.

"I think he's presentable, now…He's just dressing."

"Good. Any line on what we talked about before?"

"Yes…she's in Spain…"

"We'll pick her up on the way…"

"Buffy, I have some reservations about this…I mean…"

"I thought we talked about this. I'm as good a person to tell her as anyone. Probably better."

"Yes, of course, but she's…"

"We need her…besides, you want what happened last time to happen again. We have to get there before Darla and her little buddy gets a line on her…"

"Yes…you're right…I'm just…hesitant…"

"I understand…but this is the only way…"

Elena glances back down the hall… "He's ready…"

"Bring him in…"

He walked in the room, his head hung low. They had put him in dark brown pants and a British military sweater, the kind with the patches on the shoulder. He looked good, more like I remembered. His hair was longer, and combed off of his face, thought the stray strand fell out here and there.

I walk up to him, and move one away from his eyes. He steps back, afraid.

"I won't hurt you….I'm Buffy…"

"Hello," he says, his eyes darting down to the floor, then back up at me… "I'm…"

"Angel…I know…"

Chapter Four

My hair is almost dry when there's a knock on the door. I shake it loose, and throwing the towel on a chair I open the door to find Joseph standing there, looking a little wigged.

"Miss Summers? Can I talk to you?"

"Sure…come in," I say, tightening the robe around me. I don't know what I'm worried about, he's a married man, but hey guys are guys. They look. That was the whole point of dyeing my hair today. Hitler's guys are looking for a blonde, not a brunette, and the other Spike only saw me for a minute, so he probably wouldn't recognize me. I'm not fooling myself, though. I'm still me. My Spike would spot me in a second.

"You look…different…" he says.

"Disguise…" I say, sitting in the chair next to the window. The view is pretty good. I've never been to Spain before, and Barcelona is a very pretty city. I wish I could go out during the day, but what I'm here to do doesn't happen when the sun's out.

"I…I just want to thank you for letting me come along," he says sheepishly. "I know you didn't have to."

"Well, it's going to be a lot easier to get Sarah to come with us if you're there…and I mean come on…were-bear," I laugh.

"Still..it means a lot to me…I was wondering a couple of things…"

"Go ahead…ask…"

"The men we're with…they…they're not human are they?"

"No…Angel's a vampire..and Whistler…I don't know exactly what Whistler is, but he's not human."

"You trust them?"

"Yes…"

"Then so will I. Elena told me who you were…"

"That whole Slayer Queen bit, huh…well, glad one of us believes it…"

"I do. I have to. If anyone can free my Sarah, it is you…"

"It's gonna be us, Joseph. I need you there, too."

"I…I'm not much of one for combat, Miss Summers…"

"Buffy…and you could have fooled me…"

"Yes, well, I hope so…can you tell me what we are to do tonight, or is it something I don't need to know…"

"We've got one more person to pick up before we go after Sarah…"

"Oh…so no violence tonight then…"

"I wouldn't bet on that, Joey…"

"Joey…Sarah called me that…"

"She will again. Just go get ready. We're going to leave as soon as the sun sets…"

As he shuts the door behind him, I get my clothes out for the night and spread them on the bed. Ankle length leather jacket, black riding pants with matching boots and a red blouse. I don't care much for the boots, but the 1940s don't seem big on ladies' combat wear, especially not in petite. I dig the weapons out of the false bottom of the suitcase Elena gave me, and hide them on myself as I dress. Looking in the mirror, I realize why Spike likes the duster look. Not only does it look good, it hides a lot. Something seems off, though. I look deadly, ready to kill. The last time I felt this way was the night I went after Faith. I don't know why I dressed up like this tonight. I'm not planning on killing anything more than any other night. It's not that special. Then I look at myself again and realize. I'm dressed like him. Down to the red shirt. Only the hair is wrong. But that's okay. I'm sorry, Spike, wherever you are. Peroxide blonde may work for you, but it's just not my thing. I spend a couple of minutes braiding my hair, and I'm almost ready. I take the cross from my neck, and slip the ring onto the chain. The last thing I want is someone taking it while I'm gone.

I walk into the hall, and find the three boys waiting for me. Angel's in a trenchcoat, and I almost laugh at how typical that is. I've decided the less I speak to Angel the better. He's not the Angel I know, and from what Whistler has said, just by being here, he never will be. Whistler's wearing his same crappy suit, and Joseph is in a gray tweed suit that Giles would just salivate over, I'm sure. I almost feel bad for the suit. It's going to be ruined if he has to shift.

"Don't you look like you mean business. Where to?" asks Whistler.

"Where else? Show me the biggest cemetery…"

We get there, and it's already started. She's surrounded by four vampires, and she's doing okay for her first time out. She gets one of them with a neat roll, and does a nice little back-flip maneuver, but one gets her from behind. When you're starting, they always get you from behind. What am I saying, even five years in, they can still get you from behind. At least now it's only the really good ones.

I stake the vampire that's holding her while Angel takes out the other one. She goes to run but runs straight into Angel. Even with a soul, Angel is too much vampire for a beginning slayer. Good thing for her he's got one. He holds her until the rest of us catch up…

"Do you speak English?" I say. I may come from California, but I only know sorority Spanish. Uno mas cerveza, por favor.

"Yes…"

"Good…good….You're Maria, right?"

"Si…"

"Hi, I'm Buffy. Bet this has been happening a lot lately, huh?"

"Si…the last four days…they're everywhere….you…you are going to kill me…"

"No….Angel, let her go…"

She looked up at him, not quite trusting him. I don't blame her. Angel in vamp mode is one of the scariest things I've ever seen. Lucky for her this is the PG-13 version. My friends are dealing with the full NC-17…or didn't, from what Whistler said.

"Who…who are you?" she asks.

"Like I said, I'm Buffy, that's Angel" I say, pointing. He shifts back into his normal face, and does the bashful shuffle again. Geez, was he always this goofy?

"That's Whistler, and this is Joseph. We're here to help you…"

"Help me…help me what?"

"Help you be a slayer…."

"A slayer…what is that?"

Oh goody. Time to channel Giles…. "Unto every generation…."

I think I say the speech right. I should. I've heard it enough. I bet Giles would have given me a cookie.

"And…you…you are my…Watcher?"

"No," I say. "We'll get you a watcher later. Right now we don't have time for that…"

"So…if you are not a watcher…and you are not a vampire…you're just a girl…"

"No…I'm a slayer."

"But I thought you said there could be only one…"

"Yeah, well…these are special circumstances…"

"So..you're just like me?"

"Just like you. Maybe a little older, more experienced. But I'm just a girl. Just like you."

"Not quite, darlin'" says Whistler. He points to me, and says "She's the Slayer Queen…"

I really wish people would get off of that…

"What is the Slayer Queen…?"

I look at Whistler, waiting for him to answer.

He looks at me, then at Angel, who looks like he wants to know, too.

"Well….she is," he says, pointing to me. "I've only seen the one…."

"What no wisdom from the Powers that Be? No `How to be a Slayer Queen in Ten Easy Lessons'?"

"As far as I know, honey, you're writing the book…"

"Excuse me," said Maria… "You still haven't told me what…"

"Just do what she does," says Angel quietly. "And you'll be okay…"

I look at him, and I see some of the Angel I knew. The one that knew what to say. She was scared, and he saw it. I didn't. She's still scared, and what I'm going to ask her isn't going to make her any less scared.

"Maria…are your parents still alive?"

"No…no, they're not. The vampires got them the first night…I…I couldn't stop them. There were too many. I ran…" she says, starting to cry.

I wince. This wasn't going to be easy. "Maria…I'll make you a deal…we help you kill the vampires that got your parents…and then you'll help us do something, okay."

She smiled through her tears and stood a little straighter.

"Si…I would like that very much…"

"Okay," I say, handing her a stake. "Let's get it done."

We were on our way to Italy in less than an hour.