Title: Into The Fires
Author: Gillian Silverlight
Distribution: My site, those that already have permission to post my fic, all others please ask. (If you post my fic. Please do not rearrange the sentence groupings. It can alter the flow of the story. Thanks.)
Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and the WB, UPN, FX; just about everybody except me. I just play with them.
Summary: Post 'Smashed' - Buffy searches for a reason for her attraction to Spike and why he feels she came back 'wrong' as well as the true origins of Slayers and Vampires. Little can any of them begin to imagine the truth. (Spoilers for both BTVS and ATS)
Rating:PG-15 (Violence)
Lyrics: 'Listen, Learn, Read on' By Deep Purple; 'As The World Falls Down' By David Bowie; 'Fear' and 'Into The Fire' By Sarah McLachlan; 'View To A Kill (Dance Into The Fire)' By Duran Duran; "Under The Milky Way" by The Church; 'Dead Souls' - Joy Division; 'Drops Of Jupiter' By Train; 'Cry Little Sister' By Gerard McMann; 'My Sacrifice' By Creed; 'You Took The Words Right Out of My Mouth' By Meatloaf; 'Fire Burning' by Stevie Nicks; 'OverFire' by Verucka/Shy/THC; "Beauty and The Beast' By Stevie Nicks; 'Who Will Save Your Soul' By Jewel; "Standing Still' By Jewel; 'Crystal' By Stevie Nicks.
Author's Notes: Many special thanks to my wonderful Beta - Patti. She keeps me in line.
** Special author's note: Often the use of spell-casting in various fictions and in the Jossverse are referred to as the 'dark arts', the 'black arts', however to clarify the matter, it is the intent of the magickal working that often determines if it is 'white' magick or 'black' magick. That used for harm or in an unethical fashion is indeed dark, while that for protection or self-improvement is white. In the Television series, Willow's actions to resurrect Buffy can be viewed as 'dark' in that Willow 'impressed her will on Buffy without permission' which is ALWAYS unethical, even for the best of reasons.
One MUST have permission.
Into The Fires
'Falling.
Falling in love
As the world falls down.'
Exhaustion finally claimed Buffy just before daylight.
For once, Dawn didn't come into her room before going to school and Buffy knew she had Willow to thank. The redheaded witch was still feeling horribly guilty about getting Dawn hurt, and that guilt gave Buffy a few extra hours to try and figure out her own situation.
It was almost two in the afternoon when Buffy made the decision to pick up the phone and make the call she had been avoiding. She'd thought about it while she showered; and later while she choked down a sandwich, which seemed to dry her throat more with each bite she took.
Buffy dialed the numbers and, as the phone rang on the other end, she felt her pulse quicken. This was not going to be an easy call.
"Hullo?”
The small blonde Slayer almost allowed a small smile to escape her lips as she heard the sleepy voice. She'd forgotten the time difference. "Giles? I… I know you wanted me to handle things for myself, and I've been trying, but I really need to talk to you..." Her voice trailed off as fear clenched tighter around her heart.
"Buffy? Good Lord. What's wrong? Are you all right? Is it Dawn? Do you know it's one am?" Giles had come wide-awake at the first sound of Buffy's voice. He'd missed her more than he could say; but as many times as he'd picked up the phone to call her, the tired Watcher had put the phone back down, determined to force the Slayer to stand on her own. That she'd called him... Now that she had, he wasn't sure if it was a good sign or not. She might simply be trying to dump the things she needed to handle right back into his lap again.
"Giles... I... No, Dawn is ok. I'm... I don't know what I am, Giles." The words came out hesitatingly at first and then finally in a rush, as if Buffy had to get them out before they choked her.
Sitting in the darkened room of his flat in England, Giles heard a suppressed sob catch in her voice. His own voice softened at the sound. "Buffy, dear... If you don't tell me the problem, I can't do much to try and help. Do you need my help or do you just need to talk?"
"I don't know. Both, I think. I… I did something... And I don't know what to think, how to feel. I don't know why, Giles! And he can hit me and I hit him and we beat the hell out of each other and then we… and the building fell down around us and still we... and then I did it again and again and I can't stay away from him and I don't know why or what's wrong with me."
"Calm down now and let me try to sort this all out, all right?" He took a deep breath, fearful of what her confusing words might actually mean. "Do I assume that the 'he' you mean is Spike? I can't imagine any other of your acquaintances I'm familiar with that could withstand such a fight with you. So something has happened to enable him to strike you again. Has his chip failed in some way that you can tell?"
"No. No, it's just me. He said I came back wrong, Giles. But he's wrong, right?" Buffy couldn't keep the slight note of near panic out of her voice.
Giles took a deep breath as he hesitated before he answered. He wished he had his glasses to clean, but they were across the room on the dresser. "Buffy, I know you overheard the conversation between Willow and myself about the ritual she used to bring you back. Those magicks... well, they can easily be incorrect or incomplete if not done precisely. I suspect we may need to talk to Willow and find out exactly how she did the ritual to bring you back. But you say that it is only you that Spike can hit, no other humans; so we need to see if it is something about the ritual that brought you back or something about you specifically being resurrected because you are a Slayer."
Giles reached for the carafe of water next to the bed. Pouring a bit into a small matching glass, the still drowsy Watcher drank a swallow before wading back into the conversation again. "And the rest, Buffy? You said you couldn't stay away from him? I assume you mean Spike again? I suspect I don't really want to know what you did with him and a building falling down; however, I also fear it may be important to the situation."
Silence, with a life all its own, hovered across the phone lines.
"We... I did. I... Giles, remember what happened to cause Angel to lose his soul? You said I'd acted rashly... That. That's what we did. What I started. I... I kissed him first, Giles, then did it again and again and then -"
"I see." Giles interrupted. They were verging on the edge of more information than he wanted to know, but he knew he'd have to get a grasp on his emotions and find out the rest if he was to assist her in determining what was wrong. "All right. Tell me what happened. I need to know, but with as little detail as possible please, Buffy."
"I know." Buffy told him in a shaky voice. She took her own deep breath and then haltingly told him everything as gently as possible.
****************************************
'but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much
to lose here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like better than
to fall'
“…so I need to know what I am, Giles. The dreams, the vision quest, Dracula, all of it. I need to know. Just that I'm the Slayer isn't good enough anymore. I need answers, not riddles, if we can find them. Doesn't the Council have records of stuff like that? You know, what a Slayer is other than just to kill vampires and demons; where we came from? You still have access to those files, don't you?"
It had been long minutes as Buffy explained all that had occurred between she and Spike as well as describing her own worries about what and who she might be now.
"Yes, I do still have access to all of their files and I certainly agree that we need to find the answers you're seeking. I think you also need to look inside yourself as well, Buffy. Not just for any 'Slayer' dreams but to discover what is in your own heart about Spike." Giles held up his hand to forestall her protests even though he knew she couldn't see him. "Don't tell me that you feel nothing, Buffy. The new information you've given me makes the fact that he had entry into your home for so many years, that you have never killed him although you've have more than enough opportunity and reason to do so... Well, it seems much more clear now." Giles paused a moment as he struggled with the realization. "You feel something for him, regardless of your protests." The Watcher's voice softened again. "You can't kill Spike any more than you could kill Angel."
Her voice was barely audible when she replied. "I did kill Angel -"
"Yes, you thought you did; and, given the situation, were right to do so. Sending him to Hell was the only way. But he came back. You couldn't have known he'd come back. And given a similar situation where the world was in danger, you might well kill Spike." Giles didn't utter the words out loud, but they rang clear and true in his head and his heart. But I suspect you'd throw yourself into that danger again to save him, as you did for all of us, so that you never had to go through your own 'Hell' again as you did when you sent Angel there. "Although I suspect you'd throw yourself into the danger again instead."
"I... I don't know, Giles. I've thought about it a lot and the thought of having to stake him, to see him crumble into just so much dust... It bothers something in me."
"It's that very 'something' you need to put a name to, Buffy. If you really love him, don't throw that away. He's proven he'll stay, he'll help you, he cares about you and about Dawn and I cannot believe that I am advising you to love Spike." The incredulous tone of Giles' voice caused a small chuckle to sound through the receiver as Buffy pictured Giles' face while he advised her about a 'vampire/human love life'.
"He did tell me again during the middle of our fight that he loves me."
Buffy's off-handed comment regarding the vampire's feelings brought the memory that was burned into Giles' mind rushing to the surface. That same memory turned his tone serious and somber very suddenly. "I saw him after you... fell. He was as devastated as I... as any of us. I think that only his promise to you to take care of Dawn kept him from throwing himself into the sunlight on top of your... ah, on you. It was quite obvious that he wanted to do just that. However, he 'mothered' Dawn so much that at times she was ready to stake him herself." He chuckled slightly at the memory of one of Dawn's many 'rants' on the subject.
"Ummm, he does seem to have that effect on people. Giles, I do believe that he loves me; but I don't know if he thinks of love as I do, or like anyone else does. I'm not really sure what his idea of love really is -"
"Remember what he's known most of his existence, Buffy. What with Angelus and Darla, not to mention Druscilla... well, let's say it has been far from the norm and leave it at that. You, however, should search your heart and your dreams, dear. Determine what you do feel for Spike. Meanwhile, I'll search the records here on the 'Slayer' matter and call you in a few days. Now let me go back to sleep and you should get off the phone before this call equals your national debt."
"Goodnight, Giles. Thank you." Buffy paused, but Giles could hear her still breathing across the line and waited. Within seconds she continued. " I do love you, you know."
"I love you too, Buffy. Goodnight." Giles sat and stared at the phone after he hung it up; his thoughts tumbling over each other as they raced through his brain, chasing their own tails. He grabbed his robe as he stood in the dark. Sleep wasn't going to return any time soon, so he headed into the kitchen of the flat to put the kettle on to boil. A cup of tea would be just about right.
**********************************************
'I am the spark
Into the night
I yearn for comfort
Free the water that carries me to the sea
You I see as my security'
Buffy needed to talk about Spike to someone with a clear head. Willow was out. She had her own problems to handle right now and wasn't unbiased in any of it. Buffy suddenly realized that she wished she knew where Oz was right now. He was always levelheaded and she could talk to him and know he'd tell her the truth no matter what.
The worried blonde Slayer finally realized there was someone else who would do that too. She almost laughed at the thought, but picked up the phone to call L.A.
"Angel Investigations. We help the helpless."
"Cordelia, it's Buffy. Don't say my name."
"Oh! Oh, well, hi. How are you doing?"
"I've been better. Cordy, I need to ask you a favor please?"
"Sure, if I can." The brunette's voice altered, becoming slightly wary of what the favor might be. Never in her life did she expect the one Buffy asked.
"Can you come to Sunnydale for a few days? I have a problem I need to talk to someone about and I think you'd be the best person to do that with. This is a 'longer than a phone call' problem. And you... well, you've always told me the truth even when I didn't like it and I need that now."
"Uh... Well... Wow! I can't believe you asked me that! Well, we just wrapped up a big case and don't have another one right now so, yeah; I can leave for a few days. Where would I be staying?" Cordelia hedged again slightly. Her parent's house was the last place she wanted to stay.
"With me, if that's ok. After all, everybody else stays here. The room Giles used when he came back from England is empty now that he's gone back."
"He went to England?! When, I mean why, how? Never mind, you can tell me when I get there. I can leave after work tonight unless there's an emergency. Will that be okay? Oh, and can I leave your number to reach me if they need me?"
Buffy thought for a minute and agreed. "Yeah, tonight is fine. Can you leave the number with someone other than Angel please?"
"Sure. I understand -"
"No, actually you don't, Cordelia, but I hope you will soon. I'll see you later tonight then... and thank you."
*****************************************
'Three times I have been born
I know this from meditation...
So listen, so learn, so read on
You gotta turn the page, read the Book of Taliesyn'
Still feeling rather 'loggy' from the missed sleep during the night, Giles entered the oldest section of the huge library in the Watcher's Council building. He knew the answers he sought, if there at all, would be in the oldest sections in the oldest and most fragile books. He sighed as he wished he knew the right questions.
Two hours later, he had a small, select pile of dusty, crumbling, ancient books to examine. Settling down for what he knew would be a long process, Giles rang for a pot of Earl Grey tea and a sandwich then opened the first book.
*********************************************
'Dance into the fire
That fatal kiss is all we need
Dance into the fire
To fatal sounds of broken dreams'
Cordelia arrived late that night. Buffy had just gotten back from patrol and had actually managed to avoid Spike as well. She knew if she saw him now, she might not be back home for hours and she had to be there when Cordy arrived.
When the brunette pulled her car into the driveway and got out, Cordelia looked as tired as Buffy felt.
“Long day, Cordelia?"
"Yeah. I'll tell you about it later. Where can I put my bags and can I get a shower?"
"Both do-able." Buffy lead the way up to the guest room and Cordelia dropped her small bag on the floor then turned and looked expectantly at her hostess.
"Willow kinda has the other shower even though she's not in right now. If you don't mind, can you come talk to me while I shower and then it's all yours? I just got in from patrol." The Slayer indicated the dried, sickly yellow stain on her shirt. Buffy normally felt odd about anyone being in the bathroom with her, but she really needed to talk about this and she had put up that new opaque curtain after she'd 'gotten back'.
Cordelia was a bit surprised at the request, knowing how the blonde used to be about that type of thing, but agreed. The sooner Buffy talked, then the sooner she'd be out of the shower and Cordelia was almost ready to kill for a bath.
The two girls headed up the stairs to the bathroom. Cordelia stood facing the door while Buffy undressed and got into the shower; then she sat on the closed toilet seat, listening as Buffy talked.
"It's all so complicated that I don't know where to begin, Cordy. Thank you for coming though, by the way."
Cordelia heard the splashing of water and the squishing of suds as she guessed Buffy was washing the same slime from her hair. "Well, why not start with getting brought back. I kinda know most of it up to that point."
"Good enough place to start, but I'm gonna guess there is a lot that Willow didn't tell you guys and just as much that she didn't know to be able to tell. Several months before that last battle with Glory, Spike told me that he loved me. You did know that the government guys that Riley used to be with had put a chip in Spike’s head so he can't hurt humans, right? So after he told me that..."
Buffy had finished her shower; Cordelia had traded places, and now both girls sat on the floor of Buffy's room as they leaned against the bed, each sipping a cup of hot chocolate.
Cordy's eyes were wide, her expression a combination of amazement and admiration. "God, Buffy... Up against the wall, brought the house down and never missed a stroke... Wow! So I gotta ask... How was he?" Besides being simply curious, Cordelia was actually fishing for information with her question. Buffy's reaction would tell her a lot.
"He was... It was..." Buffy looked into Cordelia's face, suddenly wondering where this news might travel. "It doesn't mean that I didn't love Angel. But Spike was..." The small blonde looked back down at the floor, studying her hands intently. "He was fantastic. I felt... filled with... power. I felt something that wasn't there with Angel that only time. It was primitive and intense. It was like we were suddenly inside of one skin."
Buffy laughed, a short bark of sound, as she looked back at the brunette. "Sounds silly, I know. I think it was all the fighting we did first, and I was tired and I've not been feeling like me since they brought me back."
Silently absorbing what she'd been told so far, Cordelia took a breath and jumped in. "Okay, this is what you brought me here for, Buffy, and I'm sure you're not gonna like it..." Cordelia shifted position on the floor so she could face her friend. "No matter what you tell yourself, you care about him. You've cared about him for a long time now and have been hiding from it as hard as you could until it finally hit you in the face. We see a lot of different kinds of demons in L.A.... some are good and some are pretty icky, but they all have feelings and lives and some have families. Buffy, I share my apartment with a ghost, who is really sweet once you get to know him. One of our friends is a demon. He's green with red eyes and horns and just as cute as he can be in a really irritating kind of way."
Cordelia reached out a hand to touch the Slayer's shoulder. "I'm guessing you love Spike. He's never been quite like a normal vampire; not like the ones we've fought in L.A. or like when Angel went all dark or when he was Angelus. Spike's different. I think his demon is different. They do have souls too, you know."
All Buffy could do was stare at Cordelia. The Slayer's face reflected the confusion and struggle that raged inside of her as she tried to convince her mind to wrap itself around the words she'd heard and didn't want to accept.
****************************************
‘Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find
And it's something quite peculiar
Something shimmering and white
Leads you here despite your destination'
'This world is older than any of you know. Contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons demons walked the Earth. They made it their home, their... their Hell. But in time they lost their purchase on this reality. The way was made for mortal animals, for… for man. All that remains of the old ones are vestiges, certain magicks, certain creatures... The books tell that the last demon to leave this reality fed off a human, mixed their blood. He was a human form possessed, infected by the demon's soul. He bit another, and another, and so they walk the Earth, feeding... Killing some, mixing their blood with others to make more of their kind. Waiting for the animals to die out and the old ones to return.'
(Giles - The Harvest)
The woman walked away from the trees, her back stooped with the weight of her gravid belly.
She heard noises in the trees and tried to hurry, but her strength was failing with the continued onslaught of the contractions she'd been having for hours.
She didn't understand what was happening, but still she sought the shelter of her cave and the others who were like her.
Her food gathering that day had taken her further away than she'd been before; then the pains struck for the first time. Now, just as surely as darkness threatened to close around her before she could reach the shelter of the caves, something menaced her from the cover of the trees. Her eyes recognized the land around her and she knew in the primitive dimness of her mind that the cave was close. As she rounded the large rock formation, where she'd been months before with the other one of her kind, danger finally struck from the woods.
The scaled creature sprang at her, gripping her with humanoid arms. Its hands ended in razor sharp talons and the yellow eyes almost glowed in the murky twilight. Long ragged fangs tried to pierce her neck but she twisted and shoved at the creature's chest. A guttural scream was wrenched from her throat and the seeking teeth found her shoulder instead.
Fire lanced through her flesh, down her arm as the thing bit deeper, sucking at the wound. She could feel the sandpaper roughness of its tongue as it scoured the hole its teeth had made, causing more blood to flow.
The female scrabbled in the dirt and sand with her other hand, seeking something to injure the thing. She heard noises that let her know the ones in the cave had heard her own sounds and were seeking her.
The tips of her fingers touched the cold, rough shape of a rock and pulled it into her hand. With every ounce of force she could manage, she slammed the rock into the side of the thing's head, dislodging its grip on her shoulder.
With pain gripping her belly and burning into her shoulder, she fell back to the ground, the rock tumbling from her limp hand. She struggled to force her body to move, to stop hurting and to simply breathe.
The demon sat back on his haunches, shaking his head to clear the ringing caused by the blow to his skull. He felt the sand rub against his member where he hung hard and ready, touching the ground. The sensation added to the excitement that had been stirred by the taste of the hot blood in his mouth and the smell of the female on the ground. To his sensitive nostrils, the female animal smelled like food and satiation. The scent of her blood lingered on the air like a subtle perfume, the nearing childbirth a promise of tender morsels to eat.
The demon had detected the traces of her blood miles back and had followed the scent straight to her. He could tell by the scent that she was about to whelp, and the demon had always enjoyed the tender young flesh of these animals.
After a good meal of her young in his belly and her blood on his tongue, he'd planned to have her over and over until she'd torn apart from the barbs on his member. The fear of him and his rutting with her would make her blood a savory treat, in addition to his own excitement from the meal, the kill and the rut. But the sounds of other animals of her kind running toward them let him know his enjoyment was to be cut short. He'd make the most of it he could until they arrived.
Leaning back over her, the demon pushed his scaled and ridged face close to hers and suddenly ran the roughness of his tongue over her mouth, forcing it inside the opening, hoping to build the taste of fear in her blood quickly then drink her before the other animals reached them.
The female felt the icy-hot, sharp tongue of the monster run across her face and into her mouth, cutting the tender flesh and filling her mouth with blood, along with a horrible taste all its own.
The demon's yellow eyes glittered in the near darkness, just inches from her own; when in sheer desperation, she bit down hard on the rough, rubbery thing in her mouth.
Teeth, used to eating the tough flesh of animals the cave people killed, sank into the demon's tongue, spilling its own blood into her mouth. The taste was bitter and, together with the foulness of its flesh, caused the female to gag, swallowing some of the vile mixture of demon blood and her own.
With that reflex, she loosened her teeth in its tongue and the monster pulled free and out of her sight. Within seconds, she knew where it had gone as she felt its ragged fangs sink into her neck from behind and the now familiar icy hot pain flow into her body as her blood flowed into its sucking mouth.
**************************************************
The ragged leaders reached the female just as the monster bit her throat. The male that was with her most often growled at the monster and swung at it with the huge burning club he had brought from the cave. They had learned that the monsters feared the fire, and the fire gave a dim light to help find their way in the dark night.
Flames caught the monster's flesh; and he pulled away from the blinding light and painful heat the new animal carried, but the pain followed. He leaped several feet away from the animal in one rapid graceful move that carried him to the dirty sand of the ground. There he rubbed his back into the earth, trying to remove the burning flesh from his body. All thoughts of food and satiation disappeared as the pain only worsened. Seeking relief, the demon finally rolled to his feet and ran back into the trees, toward the deep pool of water where he could soothe his injured flesh.
****************************************************
'Someone take these dreams away
That point to me another day
A dual of personalities
And they keep calling me’
'My blood is your blood. My soul is your soul.
My body is your instrument.'
(The Master and Luke - The Harvest)
'There is so much I have to teach you. Your history, your power ... what your body is capable of... Your power so near to our own... You think you know ... what you are ... what's to come. You haven't even begun. Find it. The darkness. Find your true nature.'
(Dracula to Buffy)
Giles almost closed the small book to lay it in the huge pile of useless tomes when he turned one last page and the words caught his eyes.
+++++
April 16, 1632
My Yaszette stopped breathing for a short time today. I feared I had lost her and tried to breathe air into her mouth to force her to breathe again. It was a horrible fight with the Master Vampire Andre that almost took her from me. I know one day that one of the beasts will kill her, but to have them hold her under water and drown her is too much to bear!
Andre escaped like always, but left one of his minions to hold my Yaszette under the water. I managed to return him to the ashes he came from with a well placed arrow; but by the time I reached her, her tiny lips were blue and no breath came from between them.
Frantic, I breathed my own breath into her, pulling it back out again, over and over until finally the most blessed sound possible occurred! She coughed!
As she coughed, the water sprayed from her lips. Water that must have filled her chest and kept the air out.
It has been only a few short hours and she should be weak but tells me she is well, even stronger. This should not be so!
Yet it is. What has happened to my sweet Yaszette?
+++++
The similarity was not lost on Giles between the earlier Slayer and his own. Why was this book in the locked section of materials? It seems to be a Watcher's diary like the rest we are required to study. This would have been a help to me when Buffy drowned at the hands of the Master.
Knowing the Council wouldn't hide this diary unless there was something in it they wanted to keep hidden from both Watchers and Slayers, Giles slipped the small volume into his pocket to take back with him to his flat. Looking carefully around, even though he was alone in the small library room, he saw nothing suspicious and turned back to the small pile of books left before him, opening the next one.
****************************************
'Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance, five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had... and me'
"Do I what?! No, I don't love Spike!" Buffy was emphatic with Cordelia. She wanted to stop that idea before the brunette could say something to the wrong person... like Spike.
"No? Then why did you allow him in your house until after he told you he loved you? Why in all these years haven't you killed him? I've seen you kill worse vampires than him before, Buffy. For that matter, I've killed worse vampires than him since I left Sunnydale. Why are you so attracted to him?" That tone of command, that the L.A. crew was all too familiar with, rang in Cordelia's voice as she asked the intrusive questions.
"I... I... I just don't need to. He's harmless with the chip and all... and, uh, he does help me, us; and Dawn cares about him. He took care of her while I was gone."
"Yeah. All that, but why are you so attracted to him?" Cordelia pushed the question again.
"I don't know." The words were squeezed out in a near whisper.
The brunette looked at the small blonde next to her, each with a cup of cold chocolate forgotten in her hand. Setting her own cup on the bedside table, Cordelia got decisively to her feet, looking at Buffy still sitting on the floor. "All right, let's go settle this. Get dressed, Buffy. We're going to go find this vampire of yours. I want to see the two of you together." Cordelia reached for her clothes.
Jumping up from the floor, Buffy was almost frantic in her denial. "No! No, I'm not going out to find Spike. It's late. I'm tired. You've had a long drive. Dawn is asleep -"
Holding the sweatshirt and pants in her arms, Cordy turned to look directly at Buffy, her expression firm. Even Angel knew better than to argue with that expression. "Fine. If you don't want to go with me to find Spike, I'll find him on my own and bring him back with me; but I'd rather you just came with me. Dawn will be fine. She's asleep and we heard Willow come in an hour ago. I didn't drive all the way up here to let you keep wallowing in indecision. This is why you called me. So are you coming with me or not?"
Finally seeing the futility of any further refusal clearly in the determined expression on Cordelia's face, Buffy sighed and reached for her own clothes. Once dressed, the two women headed toward the cemetery.
***************************************************
'Blue Masquerade, strangers look on
When will they learn, this loneliness
Temptation heat, beats like a drum
Deep in your veins'
'Ever since we did that spell where we called on the first slayer ... I've been going out a lot. (Giles looks surprised) Every night.
Patrolling?
Hunting.'
(Buffy and Giles - Dracula)
Giles carried the small pile of books he'd found that might be of some use back to his flat. The Council had allowed him to borrow them, never realizing he had the smaller diary hidden in his pocket. The Watcher was sure they'd never allow him to read it had they known, much less allow him to borrow it.
Dinner was again a quick affair accompanied by a large pot of tea. He had the feeling he'd need more than tea before the night was over. Something about that diary... He poured another cup of tea, added a sliver of lemon and a dollop of milk, then settled back into the comfort of an overstuffed chair and opened the diary.
+++++
May12, 1632
Yaszette has become distant over the last few weeks since the incident. She is much stronger now. I can no longer train with her as before. The last time we did so, a well-placed kick from her so small foot cracked a bone in my ribs.
But at times she is so loving toward me that I can barely resist the desire to touch my lips to hers once again as I did when I breathed life back into her body. I dream about the feel of them warm under my own lips.
July 23, 1632
I do not know how it happened. We sat at dinner last evening and then as I took my glass of port before the fire; Yaszette came to me in her night shift and sat in my lap as she had done when she was younger. Before I realized what had happened, the glass lay on the floor and my Slayer's lips were on mine as she guided my hand to the warmth of her body beneath her clothing.
My senses were lost to me as I carried her firm yet supple form to my bed. I still am not sure if I made love to Yaszette or if she made love to me. I do know I love her more than as my charge, my Slayer... I love her as a man loves a woman.
I should contact the Council and advise them about the last few months. Her near death, her new strength, the change in our relationship, the way she hunts them at night.
+++++
Giles felt himself grow hard at the thought of the Watcher with his Slayer and blushed at the thought. He'd know of such things to happen between Watcher and Slayer before, yet Buffy was too much like a daughter to him to really consider such an action. She was young and strong while he was too old and slow for such ideas. He added a dollop of whiskey to his next cup of tea and returned to the diary.
+++++
September 19, 1632
Yaszette sleeps by my side every night now since soon after the first time we were intimate. She is no longer the shy young girl and is instead the bold woman with an insatiable appetite in bed. I worry that she may get with child and be injured while seeking the vampires of evening.
I worry also that she seems to spend more and more time each evening looking for them.
October 3, 1632
Yaszette was out all night several nights ago. She said she was following a very bad vampire we have had much trouble with for some time. But tonight while we made love, I felt the small raised marks of several healed bites on her neck under her hair.
I said nothing to her but will bide my time and when she is so restless to seek them next, I shall follow her.
October 17, 1632
How could she? After all we have been to each other, how could she let such a monster touch even a fingertip to her?
I followed her tonight and saw her meet a young vampire. Young in appearance only, for I know Dupree died over 75 years ago as a human. She went directly to the lair in which he hid and boldly entered. I feared for her and felt he would kill her at once. Yet when I made my way to the small, boarded window, I looked between the wood pieces and saw her in his arms, kissing him!
She allowed him to undress her and… I cannot even say it! She did with that monster what she does with me each night!
I could stand no more and broke in, staking the monster where he lay on her. She screamed and flew at me, striking me greatly before I finally calmed her enough to get her dressed and away from that place.
October 21, 1632
I would have killed her myself for allowing that beast to touch her and daring to say that she had loved the monster! Yet she says she is with child. I never dreamed to have a child when I became a Watcher; such is the devotion to my calling that it leaves no time for normal relationships. All thoughts of marriage or children vanished completely when I was assigned Yaszette as my Slayer, for training and guarding her would be my whole life. So how could I harm her now as she carries my child?
I cannot bear to touch her as before, yet my love for her continues... But still... to let that monster touch her...
March 8, 1633
Yaszette is large with child now, yet is so strange. I would think she grieves for that animal Dupree, but she becomes stranger still. Such dreams she tells me of... of demons and ancient women, two children... one dark, one light. I do not know what she means and she cannot explain more.
I desire to contact the Council to seek advice and assurance or answers to this mystery, yet… I fear what they might do.
May 21, 1633
Her dreams have continued until they are now every night. Yaszette sleeps in the room with me, yet I still cannot bear to sleep with her so she has a bed to herself.
I finally wrote the Council and told them all, the dreams troubled me so. There was much talk of one child being a vampire and the other being a Slayer... All from the bite of some demon to the mother before the children were born. I thought they were simply fearful dreams for our child until the last one.
She said the child talked to her in the dream, that the small girl was Dupree's child and not mine, yet it is not possible for a vampire to father a child! The Council has told us this. But Yaszette was so insistent of this 'truth' that I sought information from them.
A letter arrived from them today. They know all that has happened because, in my trust and ignorance, I told them! They are coming to kill both the child and my Yaszette. The letter told me to do so myself, as she was 'contaminated' and they must have another Slayer now. I was told I must 'do my duty' as a Watcher and remove the 'tainted Slayer'. They did not answer my queries about a vampire fathering a child, but how can they kill the child knowing it must be mine? Is there something they are not telling me?
I should take Yaszette and leave before the Council can arrive; yet she is so ill with this child. She keeps to her bed, moving little as it causes her such pain... What shall I do now?
June 2, 1633
Yaszette had the child last evening. I know now the reason the Council is on its way here.
Yaszette is a fair redhead with sea green eyes. Myself, I have black hair and brown eyes. The child is a girl with blonde hair so pale as to be white and eyes the blue of the autumn sky. Her hair, her eyes, her very features look exactly like her father. The vampire Dupree.
June 3, 1633
A woman appeared at the door last evening. She seemed gypsy, yet I'd swear she was a vampire. She knew the child was Dupree's and that the Council was on the way to kill both of them.
Yaszette spoke with her alone for some time and then afterwards begged me to let the child go with this stranger.
The woman told me then that her name was Yanni and that Yaszette's dreams are true. She urged me to seek the answers within the Council. I do not know if I understand what she means.
Yanni took the child with her when she left.
I struggled to give the small beautiful girl to this unknown woman. Everything within me screamed at the outrage of handing the child to her. I continued to have the nagging sensation that she was a vampire, yet she did not seem to be an animal like the rest of them.
However, Yaszette and Yanni both pled with me to give the baby to her to 'take to safety', as they called it. I do not understand, but finally could not bear the tears and sorrow in my Slayer's eyes and gave in to them.
I stood in the doorway until the woman was swallowed up by the night, carrying the precious baby.
Yaszette then called out to me from her room. I went to her, sitting gently on the side of the now cleaned bedding. She took my hand in her two trembling ones and told me she was dying. She said that she could feel it. She was very upset and made me promise her that after her death, that I would burn her body so the Council could not get it and bring her back. I do not understand what she could mean by that, but I promised.
June 5, 1633
Yaszette died as she said was happening. I kept my promise and burned her body, covered with herbs and flowers for purification.
I sat and watched as the flames consumed her, staring at the ash of her once strong and beautiful body as it floated to the heavens. Stray ash would at times fall upon my face to mingle with the unstoppable tears that coursed down my face. They were like tiny feather-light kisses from my lost lover.
Yet I was allowed no longer than a few hours for my grief as the Council arrived the evening afterwards seeking her body and that of the child. I told them that both had died in childbirth and I had burned them. They were outraged. I am under house arrest with a guard outside the door of my own room. They take me back to England tomorrow.
I believe now that all they taught me was a lie and the dreams and tales of Yaszette are probably the truth. Once back in England, I shall seek out the answers to these puzzling questions. I must keep this diary hidden for if they ever find out that the child still lives and who its father was...
+++++
Giles closed the diary and wiped the tears from his face once more. He didn't know whether to be upset at the fate of those of the diary or to be angry with the Council for its lies and secrets. In his own time as a Watcher he'd learned that all too many of their 'truths' were lies.
Could the long ago Slayer, pregnant by her vampire lover, actually have had dreams depicting the origins of vampires and Slayers?
It was early morning again and he'd still not had any sleep since Buffy had called him. As the questions whirled in his head, his eyes felt like burning holes in his skull and sleep simply had to come before he could read or research any further. Giles was asleep almost before his head hit the pillow.
************************************************
'When you are with me, I'm free,
I'm careless I believe,
Above all others, we'll fly,
this brings tears to my eyes,
My sacrifice.'
Cordelia knocked on the door of Spike's crypt as Buffy stood silently beside her.
"Couldn't stay away from me, Pet?" Spike asked as he opened the door, knowing Buffy was on the other side. He didn't expect to see the tall, leggy brunette.
"No, dear. I just needed to see you and Buffy together for a bit to help her with a problem," Cordelia answered, catching the blonde vampire by surprise.
Spike looked at Buffy standing quietly beside Cordelia, almost huddled in on herself. He immediately stepped past the other woman and gathered Buffy into his arms. "What's wrong, Love? Are you hurt? Is there trouble?"
"N… o, no, Spike. I'm trying to figure some things out and asked Cordelia to help me. She said she needed to see us together before she could help me."
"This about us? I'm guessin' she knows then?" Spike asked softly.
"Yep, it's about you two." Cordelia told the two lovers. "There is one more little thing that has happened to me since I've been in L.A. that you don't know, Buffy. I'd guess now would be a good time to tell you. Someone I cared about very much was half-demon and he had these visions, you know? He passed them to me, but they were killing me cause I wasn't any demon at all. So I chose to be part demon to keep the visions because they come from the PTB's and help Angel and the guys a lot. I'm gonna see if I can't convince a vision to help us understand just what's between you two."
Cordelia looked with satisfaction from one surprised face to the other. "So you gonna kiss now or what?"
"Now? Just like this, in front of you? Bloody Hell, woman. D'you think we're a show?" Spike was feeling anxious and, as usual, it came out in the protective disguise of anger.
"No, I don't think you two are a 'show', as you put it, but I do need to get more information so I can help Buffy answer her questions and that's the best way I can think of off the top of my head. I sure don't want to see the two of you in bed or tearing down houses... Gross much, Spike?"
The slender blonde vampire tipped Buffy's face up so he could look into her eyes. "You told her?"
Tears tried to well in Buffy's eyes as she nodded slightly against the gentle pressure of his fingers under her chin. Spike slid his hand over her damp cheek, caressing her face with a soft loving gesture.
Cordy watched every move closely.
"Then if she's come all this way to help us, Love, we shouldn't disappoint her." Spike dipped his head slowly, catching Buffy's lips with his own as he gathered her closer in his arms. Without thinking, the small blonde wrapped her arms around Spike, pulling him closer. She always felt like she couldn't get close enough to him when they were like this, but when she was away... she only felt ashamed.
As Cordelia watched the pair, she 'reached' inside herself to try and trigger something to tell her more about the couple, because it was obvious even without a vision that they were a couple. She felt the beginnings of her 'sight' begin to build inside of her. The air around Buffy and Spike flickered and glowed with a pale rosy light just seconds before the images flooded her mind. There was no pain from the vision; but the pictures overwhelmed her, causing her to succumb to gravity in a sudden uncontrolled movement. She fell, but landed in a sitting position as the air around the kissing vampire and Slayer sparkled with coruscating bands of color. "Enough! Enough! God, get a room, you two!"
Spike pulled away from Buffy's lips slowly as she leaned into him, trying to follow. He kept an arm tucked around her as he turned to look at the brunette sitting on the ground. "You're the one wanted us to kiss so you could watch. See enough, did you?"
"That's an understatement." Cordelia muttered under her breath.
"So, what did you see?" Buffy asked in a worry-tinged voice as she leaned unconsciously closer to the vampire.
"Plenty, Buffy. Oh, yeah. You two are big time in love with each other whether you like it or not."
Cordy gingerly moved to stand again as Spike took the few steps toward her to offer the brunette a hand up. "The air around you was glowing and I saw so much... God, so much! I... I've never seen anything like this and I kinda need to sort it all out in my head, and if you can get Giles here soon that would be good."
"Giles?"
"Yeah. Mr. Tweed himself has got some of your answers and is looking for more, but he'd better not let the Council catch him. They'll kill him to keep this quiet." Cordelia was finally steady on her feet.
"Let's go back to your place, Buffy. You call Giles and then I'll call L.A. and let them know I'll be here a few days." Buffy started to pull away from Spike when the brunette interrupted. "No, he needs to come too. Grab your blood bags and let's go."
Spike recognized the look of determination Cordelia gave him and without another word went back inside his crypt to quickly grab a change of clothes, his duster and his blood supply.
"Cordelia, what is it? What's wrong?" Buffy was worried, and rightly so it seemed.
"Giles is on the right track, but he has to be careful. You need to call him right now so I can talk to him and warn him of what not to do. We need to go now."
Spike emerged from the crypt, closing the door behind him, and fell into step with the two women as they headed quickly back to the Summers' house.
***************************************************
'Oh who is the beauty
Who the beast
Would you die of grieving when I leave
Two children too blind to see
I would fall in your shadow I believe'
The people of the cave carried the female back to their shelter. The oldest female among them pointed at a spot on the rock floor of the cave, close to the carefully tended fire. She turned to the wall, picked up a handful of moss from a pile there, then made her way to the next chamber of the cavern and scooped up a handful of the mud at the edge of the water. The stream that flowed across the floor there constantly renewed the supply of the silt they used for healing.
The old female rubbed the mud into the handful of moss and turned back toward the wounded female, moaning and writhing on the ground. She grunted to the males and pointed at the wounded one. The males grabbed the arms and legs of the injured female, holding her down.
The pregnant one knew what was about to happen. She had seen it before when someone had been injured and the red liquid poured out of their skin. Fear filled her again, almost as when the monster had attacked her. The old female grabbed a glowing branch from the fire and pushed it against the ragged hole in the other's shoulder.
The scream echoed from the walls of the cavern, mixing thickly with the stench of burning flesh. The branch was carefully placed back into the fire by one of the males as the elder female packed the cold, wet, muddy moss over the burnt wound. She waved her hands at the others of the cave, moving them away. Turning back to the wounded female, she watched the ripples in the flesh of the gravid female and knew this often happened before the magick pushed small others out of the female's body.
The older one stuck the well gnawed bone she used for this purpose in the other's mouth as the other started to claw at the rock beside her while the lump in her body twitched and made her body jump. She moaned louder and the crone, who was considered the wisest of the cave dwellers, knelt between her legs to receive the gift of the new small one.
The new small one emerged wet, glistening with blood, from the female only to be scooped into old gnarled hands and wiped with a warm fur from next to the fire. She looked at it and saw it was one of those... It had the small stick on its body.
Wiping the face and body of the small new male, the old one watched as it turned its face from the light of the fire and saw the ridges form across its face only to disappear again. She was confused and turned toward the entrance of the cave where the rest stood watching. She motioned to a female whose own small one had been still and cold when it had emerged a few darks before.
The other female came to the crone and took the fur-wrapped bundle, looking at the new male with a soft expression on her face. She held the small male close to her as he wiggled his head, seeking the lumps on her front. Finding one, the small face became ridged again as its small mouth closed over the end of the lump, sucking at the flesh. The woman felt a small sharp pain as the little one sucked, but pleasure replaced the pain so she let it continue.
The wounded one on the floor bit harder on the bone as she moaned and growled around it. The old woman saw her body still bulging and moving, and went back to look again between her legs. A second small new one appeared and the old female knew the magick was great in this one to have carried two new ones inside her body.
Grabbing another fur, she wrapped this one up as well. Then looked to see what kind it was...
This one was like herself and the female on the floor. It had no stick and a hole where new small ones would enter the world once this one had gotten big and after many comings of cold.
The old one turned to the female holding the small male and saw the red liquid around its mouth, running in a small trail from the chest lump, down the flesh of the female. She had her eyes closed, a look of pleasure on her face, as she held the small male close to her, her head leaned back against the cave wall.
Shaking her head at this unknown magick of the male's face ridges and the drinking of the red liquid, the old one finally turned back to the wounded one on the floor to hand her the small new female, then stopped.
The red liquid had made a spreading, sticky pool around the wounded shoulder even after the fire and the plant and mud. More red liquid made a large puddle beneath where the new ones had come from her body. The female was still, her eyes staring at the top of the cave. They didn't move like normal eyes. Shaking her head with agitation and making small cries, the old one backed away, still holding the small female. This one would be powerful for she had pulled the life of the one that had carried her with her as she emerged into the world.
The old female stooped to pick up a small stick covered with the black from the fire. She drew the magick lines on the face of the small female and gave her to yet another female whose own small one had joined them more than one cold ago yet still sucked the chest lumps.
This bigger small one would have to eat the flesh of the animals now so the new, special female could have the white liquid from the chest lumps of this one.
********************************************
August 13, 1633
We arrived back in London several days ago. The Council took me straight to the Castle. I have a small room with food and water, yet I'm locked inside. No one will speak to me. I begin to fear for my own life and more, that I will not be able to seek the truth for Yaszette.
September 1, 1633
The Council head returned and called me to his own room. There were curtains across the room so that it appeared small. I know there were others behind the material for I could hear them moving, breathing, and saw one brush the cloth from the other side.
The Master asked me many questions about Yaszette, the child, and the vampires. I told them no more than I had already betrayed in my ill-sent letter. I do not know if he believed me or not, but my tears were real when I spoke of the loss of my Yaszette and the loss of our child. It should have been our child had Dupree not taken my child from me by filling Yaszette with his own. But how!
Even if the child was created from that monster of a vampire, she was also the last remaining part of Yaszette, so how can I not love her?
I must find the answers to the mysteries so that Yaszette can rest in what peace she may find and so that our little girl will be safe.
September 20, 1633
The Council Master must have believed at least some of what I told them for they have unlocked my room and have allowed me the freedom of the Council keep.
I can start finally to search for answers to the questions that nag at me endlessly.
As I wandered the keep, looking in all the odd and dark corners, I found a cache of books hidden in the wall of the oldest part of the library. I stumbled on an uneven bit of floor and reached for the metal bracket that holds the torches. It moved and I feared I had pulled it from the stone somehow. Instead, I heard a grinding as a small section of the wall moved. I looked, of course, and found even older books and actual scrolls.
I quickly hurried to lock the main door with the inside bolt and went back to read the books.
Most were full of magickal formulas and rituals, but one seemed to be a journal such as this. I brought it back to my room with me, hidden in my clothes.
September 21, 1633
They call the vampires animals and monsters yet they have done more monstrous deeds than any vampire! How could they use the poor girls in such a way? I know now why they sought the child. Dupree was the father and they knew it was possible. They have forced Slayers to have children by vampires, but very, very few vampires are able to have children. The journal says that the 'best results are with another vampire aided by magick, or with a Slayer since they are so closely related'!
What can they mean? How could the Slayers, the innocent girls who risk their lives and die so quickly, have anything to do with the demon-filled vampires? Could this be the meaning of Yaszette's dreams?
I must hide the books with greater care! A guard almost found them earlier as I wrote. I feel my life would be forfeit if the Master knew what I have been learning!"
+++++
Giles leaned back in his chair and massaged the bridge of his nose with two fingers. He was so tired, yet he had to finish this diary. He also needed to look for the hidden chamber the Watcher mentioned. He allowed his mind to wander over the information he had read and realized something. Odd, I know his Slayer so well now, yet not once is his name ever mentioned. Well, that is to be expected I'm sure as it is his own journal and he'd not normally write his name in it. The ringing of the phone quickly broke Giles' light doze and he quickly lifted the handset to his ear. "Hullo?"
"Giles, it's me. Cordelia is here and Spike. Cordelia had a vision... It's a long story, but we need you here and you need to come now, Giles. You have to be very, very careful. Cordy says you're looking for two books and have found one already but that the Council will kill you if they know you have seen the books. Bring them with you, but please be careful!" Buffy told him rapidly, with a shaking voice.
****************************************
like the face
of a newborn child,
innocent, unknowing.'
'She's uncomfortable with certain concepts. It's understandable. Aggression is a natural human tendency. (Looks at Buffy) Though you and me come by it another way.
We're not demons.
Is that a fact?'
(Pre-Adam and Buffy - Restless)
Giles quietly headed down the darkened hallway in the Council's building. He only hoped he could remember the instructions from the journal and Cordelia's directions correctly, and that her vision had been of the corridor as it was now, not as it had been centuries before. Turning one last corner, he stepped back into the deeper shadows and reached into his pocket for the lock picks he'd brought with him.
Kneeling before the door, Giles started work on the locks. It was several nerve-racking minutes before the rusted lock finally gave and he heard the sharp click of success. Tucking the picks back to an inner pocket, Giles entered the dust and cobweb shrouded room. He closed the door behind him with one hand as he reached into the other pocket for the small flashlight.
****************************************
"Are you sure he'll be safe?" Buffy asked the brunette seer again for the umpteenth time since the phone call two hours earlier.
"He will if he does what I told him; but if you keep pacing and asking me that, you may not be! We can't do any more right now, Buffy. Let me get some sleep and you go in there and curl up with your vampire." Cordelia knew the Slayer was worried about Giles. "He'll be okay and I can keep 'watch' even while I sleep. If a vision comes, it'll wake me. I promise."
Face filled with resignation, Buffy nodded slowly and headed back to her own room where Spike waited for her.
The blonde vampire sat on the side of Buffy's bed. He'd tossed his shirt on the footboard and was clad in just his jeans. "Finally gonna try to sleep, Pet? Come let me relax you."
He stood, taking a step toward her as she almost threw herself into his arms, trying not to sob. She felt the familiar desire for him rising in her as it always did when she was near him, even as the back of her mind worried about Giles.
*********************************
The small ones had been with the cave group for several colds now, but were bigger than those that had come before them. The young male was strange from the others in many ways. He didn't eat the animals they killed, but would only drink the red liquid of the beasts.
Since the first time he had gone outside the cave when the burning was in the sky and the fire had moved to his hand, the male stayed inside the cave except at night. Then too, his face was so odd. Sometimes it was ridged and lumpy like when he drank the red liquid of the animals, his eyes yellow; and other times it was a smooth face like the others of the cave.
The crone had to watch the small female that had arrived with the strange male. She was different too, but in other ways.
The young female often tried to kill the male. She was much stronger than the older ones of the cave and it took several of them to keep her from pushing the sharp sticks into the young male.
Finally, many colds after the two had arrived, after one of the others had been found unmoving, the male left. The unmoving one had a ragged hole in his throat yet his red liquid was not on the ground around him.
They carried him to the small distant cave where they put all of the unmoving ones, but he returned to them two darks later with his face ridged like the young male, who was with him. The eyes of both males were a glowing yellow. The young female had attacked them both, and had stuck the sharp stick deep into the chest of the returned male. As he crumbled into dust, the young male fled the cavern.
The crone didn't understand what was happening.
After that first time, others would become still with ragged holes in their necks, yet none of the red liquid was found around them. Each one of them would return again, moving, but with the yellow eyes, ridged faces and sharp ragged teeth. The crone would watch as the young female stabbed each one of the ridged-faced ones with the sharp stick she always kept with her and the different one turned to dust on the ground.
One dark, while trying to force her undeveloped mind to understand what these magicks meant, the crone crept closer to the fire, seeking its warmth. Without warning, one of the ridged ones was next to her, their yellow eyes looking at her in a way that troubled her. She finally understood the danger all too quickly as the ridged one sank his raggedly sharp teeth into her neck and sucked hard at the red liquid she knew was running from the hole.
The cave wavered around her and the light of the fire didn't seem as bright when the ridged one released the crone and with a sharp nail, cut its own arm, forcing it to the old female's mouth, making her swallow the warm, sticky liquid.