Title: The secret of lies

Part: 1/1

Author: Gemma

Rating: PG

Summery: Buffy reads Spike’s diary

Spoilers: The beginning of season six. Buffy is back.

Disclaimer: I own nothing here but the story. Everything else belongs to Joss Whedon and Co.

Feedback: Please!!!!!!!

Buffy waited as Spike slept, she was early for patrolling tonight and would just wait for him to wake up. She knew he hadn’t been sleeping well lately so some sleep would do him some good.

Buffy watched him as he slept, who knew this Angel, this innocent sleeping childlike man, could be a soulless demon who has killed countless people.

Buffy knew Spike had changed, she could see it in his eyes.

Something caught Buffy’s eye and she looked down to see a small black, leather bound book poking out from under the bed.

She slowly walked over to the bed and picked it up. It looked like a diary, Spike’s diary!

She opened it quietly not wanting to wake him up.

I wish I would die. Life has no meaning. I have this bloody chip in my head and now I can’t feed, what’s the point of living? I feel so useless and alone. The slayer and the Scoobies are helping me but I wish it was any one else. They all see the weak side of me and will hurt me. I hate them.

She paged through more and more pages until she came to some during the time of Glory.

Buffy. Beautiful, and wonderful Buffy. I love her so much but why does she hate me so? What have I done? Except for trying to kill her and her mates a few times. But come on, who hasn’t. Angel did while he was Angelus. Bloody Angel the wanker. If he had loved her so much then why did he leave. Stupid fucking wanker. I hate him. He took everything from me, my dignity, Drusilla. Why?

Drusilla. Well I guess in some way I will always love her but hey, the insane bitch always loved Angel. I don’t know if she even loved me at all. Buffy is everything to me, I even like her friends, especially Xander, the Welps got balls.

Dawn. I love her so much, she’s like a little sister, like the one that was taken from me so long ago. Bess. My little sister died with that bloody awful plague. I miss her so much, she was my best friend. Dawn reminds me a lot of her, I’m glad Buffy doesn’t know any of this, she’d probably use it to blackmail me or something. Haha. I wish she saw me as something other than a monster. I guess I will always live with that. But I love her all the same.

Buffy smiled and paged through most of the book until she came to the entry during her death.

I WANT TO DIE!!!

I failed her, I failed Buffy. The woman I loved more than anything in the world. I might as well killed her myself. I want to die instead of her. If me dying meant that she could come back and live for one more second then I would die in a heartbeat. I hate living, I hate my un-life. I want her back, to hold her in my arms, to kiss her, to love her. I hate myself. I hate this crypt this town this world. Maybe I should just go and say hi to Mr. Sun. I need her to be here, I can’t live without her but I can’t live without her. Never again will I see her or talk to her. I want to die. But I can’t. I made her a promise that I would protect Dawn until the end of the world without question. I would die for Dawn. I would die for Xander, for Willow, for Tara, for Anya and even for Giles. I would and could never tell them any of this. I guess I am getting soft in my old age. I want to die, die, and die.

Buffy felt tears spring to her eyes when she saw a small photo of her taken in high school. Written at the back were the words:

My love forever.

Buffy Anne Summers

1981-2001

Buffy looked up to the sleeping Spike and walked to him. She placed her hand gently on the side of his face and his eyes fluttered open,

“Buffy?”

Buffy smiled,

“I’m sorry Spike.”

Spike was confused, “What are you talking about love?”

Buffy kissed him, “For never having the guts to tell you that I loved you.”

Spike was frozen, “You love me?”

Buffy smiled and nodded, “With all my heart. Always and forever.”

Spike was overjoyed and responded by wrapping his arms around her and kissing her deeply,

“I love you so much Buffy.”

“I know.”

Was her response.

THE END