Title: A Shoulder To Cry On
Author: Gillian Silverlight
Rating: NC 17
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, but to Joss Whedon and the WB. I just borrow them for my own amusement.
Summary: Riley has gone, Buffy seeks comfort
“If I were you, I’d run. Run as fast as you can.” Xander told her.
Fear dawning in her eyes, Buffy turned and ran. She had to get there before he left. She couldn’t handle being left again.
So through the streets she ran…
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Riley looked into the darkness of the night as it surrounded the men, thick, heavy, broken only by the lights of the chopper and punctuated by the hushed terse orders given.
He strained his eyes looking into the darkness for any sign of familiar movement.
Surely she would come, even just to say good-bye. Riley looked at his watch again for the umpteenth time in the last few seconds but still no Buffy.
The rest of the commandos were ready to leave.
Disappointment threatened to overwhelm him before he clamped down tight with his jaw and allowed the pain to swell, shoving it into anger as his shield.
He had to face it; she wasn’t coming. He didn’t matter enough for her to even come tell him goodbye, much less ask him to stay.
Riley turned and climbed into the ‘copter. As it rose from the ground, a small blonde ran into the landing area. Her eyes full of fright, Buffy called Riley’s name over and over, trying to be heard past the swishing blades of the chopper, the revving engine as the small craft lifted higher into the air.
Jaw set so tight the teeth in it were in danger of cracking; Riley stared stonily ahead and refused to look back even once.
He never saw the small form, blonde hair whipping around her shoulders from the wind stirred by the rotors.
She’d run as fast as her Slayer strength and speed could propel her across the ground and he didn’t even care enough about her to look back.
Buffy stood and watched the helicopter disappear from sight feeling as if her heart had fallen, shattering into a million white-hot shards on the ground.
Turning slowly, the Slayer walked toward home on leaded feet, feeling numb and empty and lost inside. The tears rolled down her cheeks without her noticing them.
**************************************
In the darkness, a man stood watching from the shadows. He saw her walk away, so very slowly, as if her feet were made of lead. He felt the hurt in her heart. He hadn’t meant to hurt her with his information, but she had to know.
She needed to know that her boyfriend was being a vampire whore’s snack lunch.
As she walked away, he stepped out of the shadows and slowly shook his white blonde head.
*Bloody hell! I didn’t want her hurt! She’s gonna hate me now! * He thought to himself.
**********************************************************************
Buffy walked on home and climbed the stairs to her room. She got ready for bed as one already asleep, crawled under the covers and cried herself to sleep, holding her pillow and Mr. Gordo.
Outside her window, the blonde vampire watched her. He was worried. What was she going to think of him now? Would she hate him? Would she be ok?
He watched her until almost dawn, telling himself he wanted to be sure she was alright; but knowing he was lying to himself again. What he really wanted was just to see her, to touch her, to hold her while she cried into his shoulder instead of a pillow. He wanted to take the pain away. Her pain and his own.
**********************************************************************
Buffy awoke the next morning and realized again that Riley was gone. How was she going to get through the day? Not to mention all the days to come?
* I got through losing Angel. I can get through this. * Buffy thought to herself in a determined-not-to-cry voice.
The blonde Slayer sleepwalked through the day, finally going to Giles’s house.
Xander and Willow were there already when Buffy arrived.
**********************************************************************
Across town, Spike had the small radio he’d ‘found’ playing. He wasn’t really paying attention to the music; it was just noise to keep him company as he paced the floor while he worried what Buffy would say to him the next time they saw each other.
Finally one song caught his attention.
‘ Hold on, hold on to yourself,
Cause this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on, Hold on to yourself,
You know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn’t easier than the real thing
And my love, you know that you’re my best friend
You know that I’d do anything for you
My love, let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am I
at the crossroads I am standing
And now you’re sleeping peaceful,
I lie awake and pray
You’ll be strong tomorrow
And we’ll see another day
And we will praise it and
Love the life that brings a smile
Across your face
Oh, God, if you’re out there won’t you hear me
I know that we’ve never talked before
Oh God, the one I love is leaving, won’t you take them
When they come close to your door
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
at the cross roads I am standing
And now you’re sleeping peaceful,
I lie awake and pray
You’ll be strong tomorrow
And we’ll see another day
And we will praise it and
Love the life that brings a smile
Around your sleeping peaceful face
Hold on, hold on to yourself,
Cause this is gonna hurt like hell’
As Spike listened to the words of the song, he thought of the Slayer who’d taken his heart. He remembered that his information had brought her pain.
* Then the wanker had to leave her like that, bloody pillock! Now she’s gonna blame me! I’ll never get bleedin’ close to her! * He growled in his own head as he turned the radio off.
************************************************************************
At Giles’s, Buffy was hearing the same song on his radio. Xander had turned it on and changed the station in the long running battle with the ‘oldies’ music Giles usually preferred.
Thoughts of Riley ran through her head as she listened to the words. She felt the tears prickle behind her eyes and determined not to let her friends see her cry, she turned to leave.
“Uh, forgot. Got errands to do for Mom. She’s got to rest and all. Gotta run.
Later.”
She hurried out the door just as the first of the scalding tears fell across her cheek.
Giles looked at Xander and Willow, his face plainly showing his confusion. “ What was that about?”
“Guess she didn’t make it to the field last night before Riley left.” Xander told them, then had to explain what had happened.
“Oh…I see. Well, we must be sure Buffy is all right.” Giles said in typical Giles-ness.
Willow and Xander looked at each other worried.
“Someone should patrol with her. She might be too distracted to watch her back.” Willow told both men.
“Excellent idea. Xander, Spike and I can alternate so that she has back up. Good idea, Willow.” Giles told them.
“Can one of you let Spike know?” The Watcher asked as he cleaned his glasses again.
Sighing heavily, Xander told them, “I’ll go tell him. He can take tonight. I didn’t get much sleep last night trying to keep an eye on Buffy and all.”
*********************************************************************
‘BAM, BAM, BAM’
“BLOODY HELL, SLAYER! CAN’T A BLOKE HAVE ANY PRIVACY?!” Spike yelled as he snatched the door open, expecting to see her there and knowing he would most likely get his ass kicked for yelling at her, for telling her about Riley’s actions and simply for being her handy punching bag.
“Sorry, Spike. Just me. You were like, expecting company?” Xander sneered at the vampire.
“Yeah! Expecting the Slayer to kick my ass for being the messenger of bad news about her lap-dog boyfriend.”
“Gee, Spike. That would be such a shame….NOT!” Xander shot back
“Did you have a reason for beatin’ the bloody door down other than to insult me?”
“Yeah, Spike. Much as I hate to include you, even harmless as you are now,” Xander taunted back,” Buffy is pretty upset about Riley leaving last night so you, Giles and I get to patrol with her to watch her back. You get tonight.”
“And if I don’t want to patrol with the Slayer…?”
“You have that chip in your head now. I’ll come stake you myself if you let Buffy get hurt”
“You don’t have the stones for it, boy! If I…”
Spike broke off his tirade just as he was beginning as Xander grabbed him by the front of his shirt, slamming the vampire back against the door.
“Try me and see, Dead-boy!” growled Xander.
Spike snarled back at him. “Turn. My. Bleedin’ shirt loose! I may not be able to kill you myself, but I’m sure I could find someone to scrag your worthless hide.”
Xander released Spike’s shirt as he stepped back.
“Besides… I didn’t say I wouldn’t patrol with her.” Spike told him, as he smoothed the black tee shirt back down. “I’ll meet her tonight at her place. Does she know we’re baby-sittin’ ‘er?”
“No, she stopped in at Giles’s for a few minutes but left after a couple of minutes with a lame excuse before we could say much of anything to her. She seemed pretty upset about Riley leaving, but maybe it won’t be as bad as when Angel left her.”
Spike lit up a cigarette and pulled the smoke into his non-breathing lungs.
“The wanker didn’t wait for her long last night. Never looked back after he got in the ‘chopper. The Slayer got there as it was lifting off the ground. He couldn’t or wouldn’t hear her calling him”
“Damn! That’s why she was so upset.” Xander chewed on his lower lip in thought. “Just keep an eye on her tonight, Spike. Don’t you dare let her get hurt! Giles or I will cover with her tomorrow night.”
Xander turned and walked away deep in thought, leaving Spike to stand there in the shadows of his crypt.
Spike slammed the door behind Xander as he muttered to himself.
*Bleedin’ sod, can’t even say goodbye.* Spike thought to himself.
* So they are worried about the Slayer, are they? Yeah, I’ll patrol with her, if she doesn’t stake me on sight. Maybe she’ll even talk to me about how she’s feeling. *
He sighed.
* Not bloody likely though. *
**********************************************************************
Buffy spent most of the day just wandering, dazed, thinking about Riley and the events of the previous night. Actually, she thought about everything that had happened over the last few weeks and months; their argument of last night and the things Riley accused her of….
* Was I really like that? *
She knew she’d ignored him recently, but with her Mom being so sick, and Dawn and all problems with Glory, who wouldn’t be distracted?
Why did she feel like she had to take care of Riley? Was it because he was human and that was her job as Slayer?
She’d never had to take care of Angel. She did it because she loved him, not because he was weaker than her. Was that the difference? Did she need to find someone like Angel again, or like Riley had been before the doctor fixed what the Initiative had done to him? Buffy had no answers and her questions only left her more confused than before.
* I’ll go home and check on Mom and Dawn. Maybe catch a nap before I patrol tonight.*
Having finally made that one decision, Buffy headed toward home.
Later that afternoon as Buffy slept, Willow called the Summers household, only to have Joyce answer the phone.
“ Summer’s residence.”
“Oh, hi, Mrs. Summers. This is Willow, are you feeling better?”
“I’m improving a little each day. Thank you for asking, Willow. Were you looking for Buffy? She’s taking a nap before she goes out to patrol tonight. I think she was up late last night and has seemed tired all day.”
“Oh..Uh, ok, no don’t wake her. Just let her know that we, uh, kinda thought she might want some company on patrol, so Spike will meet her tonight to go with her.”
“Spike? What’s wrong, Willow? Is there something bad Buffy is going to have to handle tonight?”
“ No, no, nothing like that, Mrs. Summers. We were just kinda worried about Buffy because of ah.. Riley leaving last night. We thought since she was upset, that she just might like some company, maybe someone to talk to, you know?”
“You’re worried that she might be distracted and not paying attention aren’t you?
“Uh, well, yeah, we did think about that too. So Spike is gonna patrol with her tonight. I think Xander or Giles will go with her tomorrow night. Kinda sharing the patrol and taking turns keeping her company. But don’t tell her any of that, please! She’ll think we’re trying to baby-sit her..”
“ Only because you are, Willow.” Joyce smiled into the phone.
“I’m just glad my daughter has such good friends to watch out for her and care about her. I’ll just let her know that Spike will be by to keep her company on patrol.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Summers. You’re great!”
As she hung up the phone, Joyce looked up the stairs toward her daughter’s room.
*No Willow. You and all of Buffy’s friends are great. *
Joyce sighed as she walked slowly back to her room to lie down. She just seemed to be tired all the time since this illness and surgery. The doctors had warned them about it, but it was still such a bother and she felt guilty for adding to the burden Buffy already carried. She was glad that Buffy had such caring friends. Even Spike, who was always so nice to her….
Later that evening as Buffy was ready to go out on patrol, she popped into her Mom’s room to check on her before leaving.
“Mom, I need to go out. Patrol and all, you know. Are you feeling ok?”
“I’m fine, Buffy. And it’s ok, I understand. Dawn and I will be just fine. You be careful, Honey.”
“I will Mom.” Buffy leaned over to kiss her mother on the forehead.
“Oh Buffy, I almost forgot. Willow called earlier while you were sleeping and said that Spike would be meeting you to patrol with you tonight.”
“Spike? Meeting me to go on patrol? Why is someone going on patrol with me? Why Spike?”
“Buffy, your friends are worried about you. I’m sure that Riley leaving last night has been on your mind. You have been preoccupied all day, dear. Someone with you won’t hurt.”
“Yeah. I have been kind of mind-less girl all day, but why Spike?”
“They must have decided to take turns, Buffy. Either Xander or Giles will go with you tomorrow night. Spike’s turn is tonight. Besides, he’s been so nice recently and it’s not like you have to keep him from getting hurt…”
“Yeah, he can always take care of himself and occasionally is even some help. Ok, I’ll put up with him tonight. I’ll check on you again when I get back, Mom. Get some rest.”
“Rest is all I do, Dear,” Joyce said very wirily, as Buffy left the room.
* Great! Now I have to put up with Spike all evening. He’s like the last person I want to see. *
Buffy headed down the stairs and grabbed her coat, heading toward the front door.
“Dawn! I’m going out now. Keep an eye on Mom while I’m gone.” Buffy called back to her sister as she went out the door. She wondered which corner Spike would be lurking around or if he’d be in his usual spot under the tree in her yard.
As she glanced around, leaning against the tree was Spike, smoking a cigarette as he waited on her.
“Hullo, luv. I’m suppose to keep you company tonight according to your Watcher.” Spike told her in that slow English drawl he often used around her.
“Fine, Spike. Since I’m stuck with you tonight, let’s go. But if you annoy me, chip or no chip, you’ll get a stake to go with it!”
Buffy set off down the street toward the heading for the cemetery, with Spike trailing along beside her.
“Great! Bad jokes and threats already. Is that any way to greet someone who’s watching your back tonight?”
“Maybe not, but it’s a great way to greet someone who told me about what Riley was doing.” Buffy snarled back at the blonde vampire.
He grabbed her by one arm, stopping her as he asked the question he knew she didn’t want to hear.
“What did you want me to do, Slayer? Wait ‘til he’d been drained and Turned so you’d get to stake your boyfriend?”
Buffy just looking at the vampire beside her, her eyes brimming with tears again as she fought to not cry in front of Spike.
“No.. No.. I wouldn’t have wanted that at all.” She knew that he’d told her for her sake and not Riley’s. The thought of what could have happened had haunted her all day and she knew she was taking her anger at Riley out on Spike.
“ Sorry, Spike. I shouldn’t take it out on the messenger. I’ve just been all mopey- girl all day.”
“ ’S why we’re watching your back, Pet.”
“Well, come on then. Let’s go find something for me to kill so I’ll feel better.”
The small blonde Slayer headed down the street at a rapid pace, looking forward to finding a few vamps to stake. Spike walked beside her, just watching her every few seconds. Buffy was upset, and upset Slayers were careless.
*It’s a good thing I’m with her tonight. She could get herself killed like this.*
That was one of the last things he wanted to have happen.
*********************************************************************
Spike and Buffy got to the cemetery just as a new vamp was clawing his way out of the ground.
Spike launched a flying kick at the fledgling, slamming him back into the headstone behind him.
Buffy had run toward the vamp at the same time and simply had to stake him against the stone in one easy motion. She watched for a few seconds as he crumbled to dust back into the grave he’d just climbed from.
“Thanks, Spike.”
“We make a good team, Slayer.”
Buffy just glared at him before she turned on her heel and stalked away from him.
“What? What did I say wrong now?”
“Just leave it, Spike.”
The blonde vampire sighed to himself as he caught up to her and paced beside her again.
They hadn’t walked for long before a rustling in the brush caught their attention. Both motioned for the other to keep quiet as they crept toward the sounds to find three older vampires emerging from the bushes.
Buffy grabbed the first one by the arm and rolled backwards pulling him off balance. As he fell toward her, she kicked upward, catching him in the stomach and tossing him over her head to hit the ground with a hard thud.
She was on her feet, twisted, and slammed the stake into the vamp before he could even rise.
She looked around for the other two and saw Spike fighting both of them.
She stepped in, catching the shoulder of one of the vamps pulling him away from Spike.
“ Uh-uh. Two against one isn’t fair, fang-boy.”
“Ah, the Slayer! We’d hoped you’d be alone tonight, but no matter. You’ll die anyway.”
She punched him in the face. “I hate when you guys talk to me! Just shut-up and die!”
The vampire swung at her as Buffy ducked, coming around to kick him in the back.
He fell forward but caught himself and turned back toward the petite Slayer to swing at her again.
She stepped to one side in a graceful move and grabbed his arm as it shot past her. Pulling him sharply toward her, she twisted and slammed him again with a knee to the chest. This time the vamp did fall, but before she could stake him, he looked at her and chuckled. “You’re off tonight, Slayer. Your ‘boy-friend’ leaving you has made you slow, vulnerable. Good! You may kill me, but there will be more seeking you while you’re weak.”
Buffy froze for a second as she heard his comments. The vampire took advantage of that moment to continue taunting her.
“ It was amusing to see the ‘mighty’ Slayer’s human toy willingly give himself to the ecstasy of being feed upon.”
“SHUT UP!”
She screamed at the vampire as she staked him, then crumpled to the ground, her eyes spilling over with tears. She couldn’t think, couldn’t see past the scalding liquid blurring her vision. Buffy curled up on the ground, her arms around her knees as she rocked back and forth, sobbing harder with each breath.
She felt hands on her back and didn’t care, didn’t notice they were gentle.
Spike had finished off his own vamp in time to hear what the other one had said to Buffy, saw her crumple to the ground, sobbing as her heart broke.
“Slayer, you can’t stay here like this. More of them will be coming tonight.”
“Leave me alone, Spike, I don’t care.”
“Slayer! Buffy!” Spike shouted as he took her by the shoulders and shook her.
The only response was the wracking sobs. Spike reached down and picked her up in his arms, heading toward his crypt.
“I care even if you don’t.”
He muttered under his breath, as he carried her, never intending her to hear him.
Spike kicked open his door and laid Buffy on the bed. He shoved the chair under the door to lock it this time. Dropping his coat in the same chair, he moved back to the bed and knelt down on it beside Buffy, pulling her into his arms as she cried.
He held her in his lap, rocking her gently, whispering soothing words to her and smoothing back the tumbled golden hair.
“Buffy, luv, it will be ok. I know it ‘urts right now, but it’ll get better. Don’t cry so, luv, don’t cry.”
Spike continued to hold her as the tears she had held back for so long refused to stop now that they had finally started falling. He held her gently as he continued to rock slightly, not knowing what else to do as she cried into his shoulder.
How long they stayed that way, he had no idea, and he didn’t care. She was in his arms and for a little while he could pretend she was his Buffy. He’d wanted to be able to hold her and now when he finally did, he could only wish it wasn’t for this reason.
Buffy’s tears finally began to slow, giving way to sniffling, yet she made no move to leave the shelter of the vampire’s arms.
He felt her fingers pick at his shirt in an abstract, distracted way as she sat curled in his lap, her head nestled on his shoulder.
“Spike.”
“Yes, luv?”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, luv. Better now?”
“A bit. You don’t want me to move do you?”
“No. You don’t need to move if you don’t want to. Maybe just someone to hold you a bit is what you need. Know you’ve had a rough time of it of late.”
“Yeah. Don’t wanna move just yet. Feel safe here.”
“You are, luv, you are.”
“Spike, why did you say you cared when you picked me up back in the cemetery?
“Oh. Y-you heard me?
“Yeah. What did you mean?
* Oh, hell! How do I get out of this? *
Spike thought to himself, quickly searching for an innocent answer.
“I’ve gotten fond of you, Slayer. I care what happens to you. Must be this bloody chip in my head.”
“ Oh…” Buffy noticed the front of his shirt was damp and sticky. She lifted her fingers and saw the red of blood on them.
“Spike? Why is there blood on your shirt? Are you hurt or did I get wounded and can’t feel it?”
“ No, you’re not wounded, it’s my blood. It’s a wound that broke open while I was fighting that vamp, but it’s stopped again.”
Buffy had gotten good at hearing the undercurrents in the vampire’s voice at times. This was one of them and she knew there was something he wasn’t telling her.
“ How did you get hurt?”
“ Don’t ask, Slayer, don’t ask. Please?”
Buffy struggled to pull back enough to look up at the vampire’s face. There had been something very odd in his voice just then and he never said please to her. She saw a sad, pained expression quickly cross his face and then was gone. She didn’t think it had to do with the physical wound in his chest.
“Spike, what happened? Please tell me.” She asked him very quietly. If he could say ‘please’ to her, she could return the favor.. just this once.
He took a deep breath that he didn’t need and told her, knowing she wouldn’t drop the subject. “Your boyfriend came over yesterday and staked me with a plastic stake.”
She was still sitting in his lap so that she could see his face. She felt the slightest tremor through his chest.
“Why did he do that Spike? What happened? Was it because of what you showed me? Are you ok?”
“Are you going to make me tell you, Buffy?”
She finally noticed he was calling her by her name instead of ‘Slayer’ as he usually did. Something was up.
“Yeah. I think I am. Tell me what happened.”
Reluctantly, Spike started to tell her.
“He came in suddenly, grabbed me and slammed me against a post and staked me with a plastic stake. Then he told me to stay away from you or it would be for real next time.”
“What else?”
“Nothing, luv. We just talked for a bit. Man talk.”
“Spike, why did he tell you to stay away from me? Why did he think he had to threaten you like that? What kind of man talk? If he did something like that and warned you away from me, you didn’t just have normal-any-old-conversation-man talk afterwards."
“Buffy, don’t ask me to explain this cause if I do, it’s gonna change things. I don’t know what the changes might be, and neither one of us might like them, so don’t ask me to do this.”
Buffy sat up straighter and looked Spike in the eye, but stayed in his lap and the circle of his arms. Somewhere in the back of her head she accepted that it felt very good and safe to be where she was; but Spike was a soulless vampire, a demon, and Riley had just left her last night. This shouldn’t feel good, but it did, and right now she wanted, desperately needed, to feel good.
“Spike, I want to know what happened and why. You’re going to tell me.”
He knew he had no defenses against her when she looked at him like that, especially with her in his arms, in his lap. The scent of her body all over him, the warmth of her next to him, separated only by layers of cloth. He wanted her so badly, but if he told her the truth, she might turn away from him completely. If he didn’t…. He knew she’d force the issue.
He groaned and gave in, as he knew he would.
“Ok, I’ll tell you if you’ll make me a promise?’
“What promise?”
“Just stay here where you are and hear me out all the way through without interrupting me, OK? This isn’t bloody easy for me.”
“Alright, Spike, I promise.”
He looked at her in surprise; but started talking, telling her everything.
“He warned me away from you because he knows how I feel about you. Yeah, the man talk was about you.
Riley was jealous of your past relationship with Angel, especially once he knew my sire is a vampire. The soul part didn’t matter. When the government fixed whatever they had done to Riley, so he was normal again, he felt like less of a man, not as strong as you. Not as strong as Angel or me. He knew you hadn’t un-invited me to you house, and you hadn’t killed me. So he was afraid you were looking for a replacement for Angel. Didn’t matter what you’d told him, luv. It was his own insecurity. And your own need. He knew you needed a man in your life that was more your equal. He couldn’t understand who and what you really are. Not like Angel did. Like I do.” Spike paused, but Buffy didn’t move from his lap or interrupt him, so he continued as he had promised her.
“He asked me if I thought I had a chance with you. Not in a spiteful way, but serious like he wanted to see if you might be happy. I told him no, that I didn’t have a chance with you. ‘Cause I know I don’t. But I told him, a bloke had to try. He told me again that if I touched you, he’d kill me. Then he left.”
“Spike? What are you saying? HOW do you feel about me? I thought you hated me. You’ve tried to kill me enough times in the past. What do you mean you understand me like Angel? What do you both understand about me?”
Since she hadn’t moved from his lap or his arms, he knew he had to answer her. He’d agreed to that.
“Buffy, I – I – I love you. Yeah, I tried to kill you, but from the first time I saw you, I’ve been attracted to you. And for the same reasons that Angel was and is attracted to you. You’re beautiful, strong, confident, so full of life and passion. But I’m just a soul-less demon. You said it yourself enough times. I knew you were a danger to me. Not just as the Slayer. You haunted my dreams. I knew eventually, I’d do just about anything to have you.
Then the government went and put this bloody chip in my head. I couldn’t kill anyone so I had a lot of time to think. The chip calmed the demon. I’ve always been able to love, which is unusual for a vampire, I can tell you. But it’s there and I can. Calming the demon made it stronger. I seek you out, because I love you, I want to be with you. Dru left me because she was angry with me for helping you against Angelus, but more because I couldn’t get you out of my head, and out of my heart.
Drac was right in a way, luv. What he and Angel and I understand about you is that like us, you are a predator. You hunt, you kill, you touch the darkness of that. But you do it for good, for proper reasons. You lift it up into the light. Each of us wants to touch that light in you. My sire has his soul to make that difference in him. I’ve just always been different. Dracula wanted to pull you down into his darkness.” Spike was afraid to look at her, to see what was in her eyes, yet he had to tell her what was in his heart.
“ I just want to love you, to hold you like this, to touch you. ‘S now you know. You hate me even more, don’t you?”
Buffy stared at him. Her thoughts were whirling in her head. She didn’t know what to think. Spike loved her? Was that why she kept finding him in her house? Lurking in the shadows waiting for her in such odd places? Following her around and acting so weird? Is that why he was calling her Buffy and not Slayer? She needed to think. She looked up at him. “ No. No, Spike I don’t hate you….”
He interrupted her very softly, “I don’t want any pity from you either, Slayer”
“Buffy. Call me Buffy, Spike, like you’ve been doing. I like that better than you calling me Slayer.” She told him very shyly, blushing.
“Buffy then. You’re blushing, Buffy. If you don’t hate me, how DO you feel about me?”
“Confused, Spike. I don’t know what to think, I didn’t realize…
I owe you an apology, Spike. When you told me about the other two Slayers and how you were turned… Afterwards, you tried to kiss me. I see that now. I said something very cruel to you. You didn’t deserve that, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Yeah, it hurt. Thanks for apologizing. Means a lot to me, Buffy.
I know you need to think about this. Want me to walk you home and let you think?”
Spike knew that was what he should offer to do, but he didn’t want her to go, didn’t want her to move from where she was. He wanted to keep holding her.
“Yeah, Spike, I need to go home and think. But right now, what I need most is to be held. It helps chase away the hurt. Will you hold me, Spike?”
“ I am holding you.” He whispered back with a voice suddenly rough with passion.
“But I won’t be a substitute for my sire or for farm-boy.”
“ No, Spike, you’re not a substitute. You’re you. I know you’re holding me. Can you hold me some more?”
“ With pleasure, Luv. With pleasure.”
Still looking up at his chiseled face of hard planes, so very different than Angel’s face or Riley’s face, Buffy traced the edges of those planes with a gentle fingertip.
*He’s cool, like Angel always was.. Not cold. * She knew that was what she would find when she touched him, yet it had come as a surprise as she traced the line of his jaw with the ball of her thumb.
Spike reached out and captured her hand, bringing it to his lips gently kissed her fingertips.
Buffy inhaled softly, her breath catching in her throat at the sensation of his touch, the gentleness she’d never expected.
“Spike, I think you missed.”
“Missed? How did I miss, luv?”
The tiny blonde slid her hand back up his face, cupping his cheek.
“Like this.” she told him as she leaned forward slightly and brushed his lips with her own.
They drew back a bit, looking into each others eyes. Whatever the question had been, they found the answer as they moved together to join their lips again. This time harder, deeper, sweeter.
Buffy slid her tongue inside of Spike’s mouth, hot, darting, exploring the inner recesses. He was no less busy exploring her own mouth. He nibbled on her lower lip, pulling the tender flesh inside of his mouth to rub his tongue across it, sucking gently on it.
Spike moaned deep in his throat from the kiss, while Buffy whimpered and pulled him closer as if she could crawl inside of his skin.
Breaking the kiss, she licked and nibbled her way down the line of his jaw to his neck, finally biting gently into the flesh of his neck at the soft, sweet spot where it joined his shoulder. She could hear him growl deep in his throat from her lips and tongue on his neck.
It was a superhuman effort for Spike to even think, with the turmoil her lips were creating in his mind and body, but somehow he managed to remove her jacket. Then he started unfastening the buttons of her shirt, while he bit gently with blunt teeth along Buffy’s neck and jaw, behind her ear and anywhere else he could reach.
“Luv, why don’t we find a more comfortable position?” he whispered in her ear as he slid her off his lap and onto the bed, curling up next to her so they could continue to kiss, and nibble and taste each other.
“Spike, you have on way too many clothes. They’re in my way. I want to see your body. Please, Spike?”
He knew he couldn’t resist her when she asked him in that soft, husky whisper. Especially when it was pleading with him to do something he’d dreamed of so often.
He captured her mouth with his own again, whispering against her lips, “Only if you let me see your body too, Pet.”
In moments they had all their clothing off from the waist up.
“You’re beautiful, Spike, so very beautiful. I had no idea you were hiding such a fantastic body under that shirt.”
Her voice trailed off as her mouth nibbled over his neck and down his chest, making a stop first at one of his nipples and then the other, licking, sucking and gently biting them.
“Is this where you were hurt?” she asked him as she kissed the reddened area of his chest. The heat of her mouth felt like fire through his skin. She turned her head enough to look at his beautiful blue eyes that were watching everything she did.
“Yes, luv, “ he whispered back to her, “that is where I was hurt. Because I love you.”
Buffy looked at him with wonder in her eyes, “Do you really love me, Spike?”
“Yeah I do, luv. I want to show you how much.” Spike’s voice was roughened and husky with desire.
With those words he roller Buffy over on her back and slid his body over hers, seeking her own breasts with his mouth. He took the soft flesh into his mouth, running his tongue around the darker skin and onto the pale flesh of the globe. He loved the moans of pleasure that brought from her and quickly slid to the nipple. Grasping it in his teeth he tugged gently, stretching it slightly out from her body. She sought his body blindly, her head tossed on the pillow, eyes closed as her hands slid over the cool flesh of his smooth chest.
Spike moved to the other breast, giving it the same attention before he finally dipped lower, trailing nipping kisses down the planes of her stomach.
Spike’s actions were setting her on fire and Buffy knew she couldn’t stand much more with their clothes keeping them apart. She wanted him so badly, wanted to see all of his body, wanted to feel him inside of her. She pushed her shoes and socks off with the other foot as he unfastened her pants, sliding them down her body along with her panties. In seconds he had her naked before his eyes, feasting in every pore of himself with the sight of her body that he’d only dreamed of for so long. She was here with him, caressing him, wanting him and he felt like a schoolboy. Felt so unworthy to be with her, but Spike also wasn’t going to allow that to stop him now..
The blonde vampire kissed her again where he’d left off, seeking further down her abdomen, smelling the scent of her flesh, her blood, her arousal at his touch.
He dipped his tongue into the scalding hot wetness of her center, tasting the musk of her; swirling his tongue around the most sensitive parts, sucking gently until she screamed as she exploded for him. He looked up at her, and as she looked into his eyes, he reached down to dip two fingers into her wetness. Spike’s eyes never left her own as he brought his fingers to his lips, taking them into his mouth, licking the taste of her from them.
Buffy gasped as she saw what he was doing. She’d never seen anything so incredibly sexy.
“Did you enjoy that, luv?” He asked her softly.
“Mmmm, yes, Spike.” Buffy whispered as she rose up toward him, “I’ve never seen anything as sexy as that before.”
He smiled wickedly at her answer and she wanted everything that smile promised
Buffy urged him on the bed with her hands, sliding them over his chest, down his stomach to the waistband of his jeans. She unfastened the top button as she saw how hard and large he was, strained against the denim. Buffy slid the jeans down his body, dropping them to the floor and releasing his hardness to her sight.
“Ummmmmm,” she moaned, taking him into her hot wet mouth.
* A Spike-cicle, how yummy! * She thought as she ran her tongue around the head of his shaft, sliding as much of him into her mouth as she could, then dragging her teeth lightly back up as she came back to the tip.
It was Spike’s turn to grasp as the bedclothes, hanging on for dear un-life, for all the control he could find. What he wanted to do was scream as she had previously done under his mouth.
His control rapidly disappearing, Spike reached down and grasped her hair, gently tugging to get her back up toward his mouth. “Luv. Buffy! Not yet, luv, not yet”
With a sly smile, she slid back up his body, rubbing her nipples up his skin, his hard shaft between her breasts.
“Buffy!” he cried out, as he reached down and grasped her arms to pull her up, rolling over her and taking her mouth. He could taste himself, the muskiness of her and the sweetness of her mouth mingled as he kissed her. They were drowning in each other’s mouth.
She felt his hardness against her stomach, “Spike, please, Spike! Now!”
“Please what, luv?” he growled back at her, “Tell me what you want!”
“I want you, Spike. I want to feel you inside of me.”
“Whatever my Lady wishes.” He said as he entered her and recaptured her mouth with his own. She gasped, pulling the breath he didn’t need from his mouth, as he entered her.
Spike was still only with much effort, as he allowed her to get used to the feel of him inside of her. He savored the feel of her heat encircling him completely.
Buffy knew Spike was letting her body have time to adjust to the size of him, but the small blonde Slayer had other ideas. She twisted and moaned under him, as she reached down his sides to grasp his firm butt, pulling him closer to her.
Spike moved slowly, wanting this to last, but knew it wasn’t going to. He’d thought of this much too long to have the kind of control he wanted to have, and she was hotter and sweeter than any of his dreams.
They moved together, finding the rhythm of each other’s body. He kissed, licked, and nibbled her neck, carefully keeping his teeth blunt. At the same time, Buffy softly savaged the side of Spike’s neck with her own blunt teeth.
He felt her inner muscles start to tighten as she raised her legs to grasp him around his hips, holding him closer and tighter inside of herself. Spike knew he was rapidly losing control.
Moments later, Buffy hit that white-hot edge of release, clinching and releasing him with the strong muscles inside her body. She bit down harder on his neck, on that soft skin, keeping the scream back in her throat. The multiple sensations were too much for the long deprived vampire to handle and he arched back to avoid her neck as he shuddered inside of her and spilled himself into her body.
Sated, he collapsed slightly to one side to keep all his weight off of her. Although as the Slayer, she could have handled his weight, he was more conscious of her as the woman he loved, and cared about her comfort.
They lay entwined, arms and legs wrapped with the other for what seemed like forever and seconds only.
Holding her to him, Spike rolled over so they lay on their sides facing each other. Buffy snuggled her face into the curve of his neck with a contented sigh as he traced the line of her cheek to her jaw and down her neck with one cool finger.
“I love you, Buffy. D’you believe me now?” He asked her hesitantly.
“Yeah. I do believe you, Spike. I don’t understand why you love me, but I do believe you.” She told him in a soft whisper, her voice still filled with passion.
“I’ve never felt anything like that in my life.’
“I’m glad I could please you, Luv. You were certainly worth waiting for.” He said to her with a small laugh.
“ So what do we do now?” She asked him, with shakiness to her voice.
“Do you mean right this minute, or after tonight?” he asked her, knowing what she meant, knowing what her fear was, hearing it in her question.
Buffy inner nervousness filled her reply, making her voice sound small as she gave him the answer he knew she had meant.
“After tonight”
“We do whatever you want, luv, but I don’t want to let you go. I don’t mean tonight. I know you have to go home sooner or later.”
He rose onto one elbow and looked deep into her hazel eyes, seeing the confusion there.
“I want to be with you, Buffy. I want you to be mine. I want to have the right to care for you and look out for you. To watch your back every night, to keep you safe, to make love to you as often as you’ll let me.”
He trailed his finger down her shoulder as he spoke. “I don’t have a bloody soul to lose, and I love you anyway, even without one. You would have staked me through the heart a year ago, now you hold my heart in your hands. I won’t leave you Buffy, unless you tell me to go.”
Buffy looked deep into the eyes of the soul-less vampire beside her, weighing his words as she felt the touch of his fingers on her body and she believed him. By all the Powers that Be, she believed him.
“I want you to stay, Spike. I want you to stay with me. I can’t tell you right now that I love you. But I can say I care about you. That’s why you still have an open invite to my house, and why I haven’t staked you when I’ve had so many chances to do it. You told me the truth as my mortal enemy a year ago, so why should you lie to me as my lover?
Will you be patient with me and just keep loving me?”
“You know I will, Buffy. I can wait for you to love me, knowing I at least have a chance. I’ll keep loving you, body and heart.” He answered huskily, overwhelmed with emotion that she’d have him.
“Good. Wanna start now?” She said teasingly
“It’ll be my pleasure, luv. And I’ll make sure it’s yours too.”
With those words he rolled back over her, reaching past her to turn the radio on for them.
* Oh boy! The gang and Giles are gonna LOVE this! * Buffy thought as she pulled Spike’s lips back down to hers. It was the last coherent thought she had for sometime.
The radio played softly in the background.
I didn't hear you leave, I wonder how am I still here
I don't want to move a thing, it might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me
I don't want to call my friends, they might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed, risk forgetting all that's been
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me.
Gillian Silverlight 1/19/01
Partially rewritten 2/28/02