Title: I wish…

Part: 1/1

Author: Gemma

Rating: PG

Summery: What Spike says at Buffy’s grave.

Spoilers: To the end of season five.

Disclaimer: I own nothing here but the story, everything else belongs to Joss Whedon and Co. Please don’t sue.

Spike slowly traced his finger around her name, Buffy Summers. It had been one month since it happened. Since she died.

Spike held back a small sob as he saw her broken body lying on her back, in his mind. He wished it had been him, he wished he could just end it, watch the sunrise. But he promised her too look after Dawn, and he wouldn’t fail her again.

“ ‘ello Buffy, How are you today?”

Spike let a small tear drop silently onto her grave,

“I…We all miss you Buffy. I can still hear Dawn as she cries herself to sleep every night, I still see Xander’s puffy eyes when he comes back from your grave. Willow is just like a zombie now, she is lifeless. Anya and Tara are quiet, well more than before and Giles is gone. I guess he couldn’t bear to be around us anymore. I wish you had survived Buffy, I really do, I wish it had been me instead, I wish I could turn back time and stop you, or kill Doc before he got to Dawn, but I failed you, I couldn’t protect her.”

Spike was pacing now, around her grave.

“I wish you could of loved me like I loved you, I wish you could of died at least not hating me. I wish I had proved myself to you, but I tried so hard. You never saw me, not the way I saw you, the way your eyes twinkled while you slayed, or the way you eyes filled up with love at the sight of Dawn. I loved every little insult you used on me, I loved the way you loved your friends and your watcher. I’m just sorry that you never loved me too. But I will always love you Buffy. Until I leave this sorry world, I will never stop.

I wish…”

Spike was now wracked with sobs and put his head into his hands,

“I wish that I had the courage to do something good with my life, but what’s the point, I will always end up going to hell, I’ll never see you again. You will at least be happy up there, with your mum. I loved your Mum you know. She was always nice to me and listened to my problems, she also made me that nice hot chocolate with the little marshmallows. She was just like you, well she was nicer to me, but you had her heart.”

Spike sat watching the headstone like it was gonna answer him, but it didn’t. The night was silent and still and not even an owl hooted or a bird chirped. All was mourning with Spike for his lost love.

“I wish I could see you one last time Buffy. I wish I could love you the way you deserved to be loved. I wish you were still alive to find someone who cared about you as much as I did, but were human and could give you a normal life. You deserved to have someone who could walk in the sunlight with you, whom you could watch the sunrise with. I didn’t deserve you.

Spike sighed and wiped the tears off his face and stood up to leave,

“I wish you could have known how much I loved you.”

Spike walked away and disappeared into the shadows of the night.

Buffy watched from heaven,

“Maybe someday you will find out the I already knew.”

THE END