The slayer was impossible to find. She hadn’t been out patrolling in a long time, and no one knew where she lived. Judas was at a loss. He had to find the bitch. It had become an obsession. Every waking hour was focused on killing the slayer. He had imagined thousands of glorifying ways to do her in. He even had a fantasy where Ges ate her up, except for the head, which he mounted on the wall.

After a few weeks of turning up nothing, he made his decision. He needed help. Someone who could find the whereabouts of Buffy Summers.

He asked around at Willie’s Bar, the supreme place to gather information. That was how he heard of the witch Celeste. She was known for her black magic, the darkest there was. Rumor had it she had died and gone to hell once. The devil allowed her to return with the gift of powers, granted she used the arts to spread havoc on earth.

She would aid him in discovering where the slayer was. And then he could hack her up into little pieces. Or throw her in a pit of fire. Or stab her a hundred times. Or . . . There were just so many ways.

*************************

Willow stepped into the kitchen. The aroma of something baking filled her nostrils. “Mmmm, I smell yummy goodness,” she commented.

“Cheese lasagna. With garlic bread,” Buffy informed, opening the oven to check on the food. “Few more minutes.”

A smile formed on the red-head’s mouth. “I think you’re getting a grip on the cooking deal.”

“Well, it’s frozen. I just stick it in the oven.”

“True,” Willow agreed. “But, you got the timing deal down. No more burnt-ness.”

The slayer went over to the cupboard and got down some plates.

“I can set the table,” Willow offered.

“Thanks, Will.”

Buffy handed over the stack of china. Willow eyed the plates with a frown. She counted five.

“Buffy, why are there five plates? There are only four people in the house.” Then a thought struck her. “Is Tara coming for dinner?”

Hating to disappoint her, Buffy didn’t want to tell her the truth. Tara still wasn’t comfortable around Willow. She did ask about her, though. That was good. It meant she still cared.

“Sorry, no. Spike’s coming,” Buffy said.

“Spike?” Willow asked in surprise.

“Yeah.”

Willow furrowed her brow. “Not that I’m opposed to seeing him, but can I ask why? You never seemed too hospitable toward him before.”

“I know,” Buffy confessed. “But he’s human now. I feel like I should be nice to him. I mean, he has a soul now.”

The witch nodded. “He does. I think Spike could use a little friendship because of it. I sense sadness coming off him, even if he hides it well. He’s getting better, though. He isn’t all ‘Woe is me, please change me back’ anymore.”

“It’s weird,” stated Buffy. “Hearing Spike and friendship in the same sentence.”

“Definitely,” replied Willow.

“Is the world gonna end now?”

“Naw, not till Xander uses the ‘f’ word in regards to Spike.”

“We’re probably safe. Besides, if this is a sign of an apocalypse, I‘ll just stop it. That‘s what we slayers do.”

*************************

Spike stood outside the Summers’ house. He glanced down at his clothes and frowned. Why the hell did he decide to wear this again? He had on a blue shirt and jeans. He fidgeted, longing for his usual duster and black ensemble. Sod the ’boy next door’ routine. He was early, he could always run back to the apartment and change.

Just then the door swung open. Buffy stood there. She looked him up-and-down, studying him. She smiled. “Did Rainbow Bright visit you?”

“What are you goin on about?”

Laughing she said, “Never mind. I like it. Matches your eyes.”

Shocked, Spike stared at her. Maybe wearing something different was a good idea after all.

She cracked the door wider, allowing him passage.

“So, slayer, how’d ya know I was here? I didn’t get a chance to knock. Were you watchin for me?”

She replied quickly,” What? No! I-I just went by the window and noticed you were on the porch.”

A smirk came to his lips. “Right, luv.”

It wasn’t long before the food was done. Buffy took it out of the oven and dished it out on their plates. They gathered in the dining room to eat. Spike sat beside Alexis, and Buffy sat beside her sister. Willow ended up on the end of the table.

“This is good, Buffy,” Willow stated after taking a bite.

“Thanks,” Buffy responded.

The only male in the room eyed Buffy’s plate in dismay. She had the smallest pieces of lasagna and garlic bread. She really should eat more, he thought. Especially if she is eating for two now.

“It’s good to see you, Spike,” Dawn said with a happy grin.

“You too, Lil’ Bit.”

Their small talk continued. Alexis remained generally quiet, seemingly lost in her own contemplations.

Suddenly Buffy stood up.

“Buffy, is something wrong?” Willow asked, concerned.

Without saying a word, Buffy put her hand over her mouth, fleeing the room. She ran up the stairs and into the bathroom. Spike stood up, knowing exactly what was going on. He went after his slayer.

He found her bent over the toilet, retching up all that she had consumed. He realized then that this must be why she had so little on her plate.

A moan escaped Buffy. Spike moved, pulling her hair out of the way.

“You all right, pet?”

“Do I look all right!?” she inquired, testily.

Spike heard Willow and Dawn come up the stairs. The two made it into the bathroom, taking in the scene.

“Buffy!” Dawn gasped. “Are you okay?”

Buffy flushed the toilet. She went over to wash her face. “Fine. I’m fine,” she assured.

“No you’re not!” Dawn exclaimed. “I’ve heard you throw up a lot lately.”

Buffy looked over, her eyes wide in panic.

“You thought I didn’t know? Well, I do.”

“How long have you been sick?” Willow asked.

The slayer didn’t answer.

“You need to go to the doctor,” Willow continued.

“Willow’s right,” Dawn said. “There could be something really wrong. I don’t want to lose you. Not-Not like Mom.”

Softly, Buffy said, “You aren’t going to lose me. I’m not dying.”

“How do you know that?” Dawn questioned. “Please, go to the doctor.”

“I’ve gone,” confessed Buffy.

“What did he say? What is wrong?”

The slayer shared a look with Spike. “I’m pregnant.”

**************************

Alexis stood at the bottom of the stairs. She listened to the conversation going on upstairs, intently.

“You’re pregnant? As in having a baby?” Willow asked in disbelief.

“Look the term up in the dictionary. I’m sure you’ll find the definition to mean that, yes,” Buffy said.

“How?”

“Will, I’m pretty sure you went through sex education.”

“I mean . . . Buffy, who have you been with?”

Alexis held her breath. This was the turning point.

“Spike.”

“Spike?”

“Did you hit your head today, Will? Cuz your brain and hearing isn’t quite so good.”

“I’m trying to grasp this and it’s hard. I don’t understand how this could happen. Are you and Spike together? As in all couply?”

“No.” It was Spike who spoke. He had basically been quiet until then. “We aren’t together in that way.” His voice was toneless.

“It was a mistake,” Buffy told her friend. “I never meant for this to happen. I’m not ready to be a mother. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be ready.”

Alexis had heard enough. She rushed to the door and ran out. On her way, she bumped into someone. When she looked up, she came face-to-face with Giles.

Giles stared at her long and hard. She gulped.

“I know who you are,” Giles stated.

__________________________________________________

Chapter Sixteen- Secrets Out

Alexis opened her mouth, unable to speak. Her expression was full of alarm.

“Buffy and Spike don’t know, I take it?” Giles said.

The girl shook her head. “No, nobody was supposed to. Not even you. You were the one that went on about the danger of it all too. How ironic, huh?”

“Yes, quite. I do believe I was right. Knowing who you are could drastically change history. The bit of information would make Buffy and Spike do things differently.”

“How’d you find out?” Alexis questioned.

He adjusted his glasses. “I was researching the cause of Spike’s transformation. I came across a very interesting prophecy.”

“Oh, that.”

“Yes, that.”

“It’s not as spectacular as it sounds.”

“Oh, really? Cleansing the world of vampires and demons isn’t as important as it sounds? Sorry if I don’t accept that.”

“I don’t do much. I just stand around and look pretty while power streams out of me. Kinda like the key. But I don’t have to bleed. Which is good. The Glory story always gave me the wiggins.”

The ex-watcher couldn’t help but smile. He could see the same spirit Buffy possessed inside her.

“We have to keep this a secret,” Alexis informed.

“I agree . . . Alexis Summers.”

“Alexis Anne Shayne,” she corrected.

“Dear lord, that is Spike’s last name?”

“Yep.”

“And Buffy marries him?”

He couldn’t hold back any longer, and reached for his glasses to clean.

Serious, Alexis nodded. “Somehow, although, I’m not seeing any sparks just yet.”

***************************

Upstairs, Willow, Dawn, Buffy, and Spike, were still in the bathroom. They had fallen silent, not sure what to say. It was Dawn who decided to act. She stepped up to her sister and gave her a hug.

“It will be okay,” assured Dawn. “You’re going to be a good mother. I know it. And you won’t have to deal alone. I fully take on the responsibility of aunt-ness.”

The slayer held Dawn back hard. “I’m scared,” she whispered.

The roles seemed to be reversed then. Dawn had taken over being the older sibling. She reached up and tucked a lock of hair behind Buffy’s ear.

“Don’t not want this baby. Please, Buffy. This should be the most amazing, exciting thing that ever happened to you. Come on, Buffy, it’s a baby,” Dawn told her.

Buffy jerked away. “I do want this baby. That’s the hard part. I want it so bad. But I am so afraid I’ll screw up. How can I not?” Her gaze landed on Spike for a few seconds before jolting away again. “I’ve already made so many mistakes concerning my own life. I don’t want to make more for someone else’s.”

That made Willow come forward. “Did you hear Dawn say that you aren’t alone? Well, she‘s right. We’re here for you. The whole gang. You have a whole army ready to fight with you.”

A small, wobbly, smile came to Buffy’s lips. “Th-Thanks. But I doubt Xander is going to rush at signing up for the cavalry.”

“Not right away,” agreed Willow. “But he’s your friend. He’ll come around. And the sooner you tell him, the sooner he will.”

The three girls pulled in for a group hug.

***************************

Spike watched the girls hug. He had been there through the entire discussion and they hardly noticed he was there. He was an outsider and that would never change. No matter how much he changed himself.

“I’ll go see how Xander’s doing. If he’s in a good mood I’ll give you a call,” he heard Willow say.

The bleached-blonde slipped past them, exiting the bathroom. He began his descent down the stairs.

“Spike!?”

He turned around to see Buffy. She stood at the top of the stairs, giving him a questioning look.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m gonna push off. Don’t rightly think I should be around when you break the news to the whelp,” he replied.

Her green eyes enlarged. “You’re leaving? This concerns you. You helped make this mess. I think you should be around to help clean it up.”

The words stung. He hated the way she referred to their creation as a mistake. How could she say she wanted it, but yet act like it was an abomination?

“Sticking around is only going to make it worse, Buffy,” he explained. “Harris hates me enough as it is.”

A sigh escaped Buffy. She nodded. “You’re right. All right, go.”

“I’ll be back. I’m not abandoning you.”

She gave him a long, intense stare. “I know.”

*************************

Buffy sat down on the couch. She felt as if a giant weight had lifted off her shoulders. Four down, one to go.

“Buffy?”

She looked up to see Dawn standing a few feet away.

“Yeah, Dawnie?”

“Why did you sleep with Spike?” Dawn asked.

A very good question. Buffy would love to know the answer to that one herself.

“I-I dunno,” Buffy confessed. “It’s been so hard since I’ve been back. I . . .”

It seemed like an excuse. There had to be a better reason than that.

“Do you love him?”

Buffy’s eyes widened. “No. Why would you think that?”

“Just . . . I wanted you to know that it is all right if you do. And if not, okay. But if you do later, that’s all right too.”

Buffy didn’t answer. Having said what she had wanted, Dawn left the room.

*************************

Willow called Buffy about twenty minutes later.

“Come on over to the Magic Box. I know it’s Sunday, but Anya wants to get some work done when there aren’t any customers. Xander’s here and in a good mood. I think Anya and he had some fun in the cellar before I came over.”

“Willow! Too much info!” Buffy exclaimed.

“Sorry,” her friend apologized.

It wasn’t long before Buffy and Dawn made it to the store. Buffy took a moment to brace herself before going to the door. It was locked, but Willow let her inside. The witch went back to the table afterward, typing away on her laptop. Xander was leaning on the counter, while Anya stood next to him. She was taking things out of a box.

At the sight of Buffy and Dawn, Xander straightened. “Hey, glad you could join the party.”

Buffy forced a smile.

Anya held up a CD. “Look, the shipment of music came in.”

“Huh? I thought this was a magic shop, not Sam Goody,” remarked Buffy.

“It’s New Age,” the ex-demon said as if it explained it all. “I heard this will bring me lots of money.”

Willow glanced over. “You know, that is a misconception.”

“It won’t bring me money?”

“Not that. About New Age music. Real witches don’t necessarily listen to that. Although, Enya’s not too bad.”

“I have Enya!” Anya dug in the box. She brought out the CD in triumph. “I also have Yanni, Tangerine Dream, and Enigma.”

Buffy fidgeted. She wanted the prattle to continue so she didn’t have to actually do what she came there to do, but she also wanted to get it over with.

“Guys!” Dawn got everybody’s attention.

“What, Dawn-miester?” Xander asked.

“Uh . . .”

Gathering her slayer strength, Buffy announced, “I have something important to say.”

All attention fell on her. For some odd reason she wished Spike was there. She didn’t know why. It’s not like his presence would have helped any. He had been right. Him being there just would have complicated things even more.

Well, why bother building things up? Better to just get to the point.

“I’m pregnant.”

Anya dropped the CD she was holding. It fell to the floor with a thump. She didn’t even bother to acknowledge that her fingers no longer clutched the item. All the life seemed to have left her. The others saw Anya’s reaction, but were more concerned about Buffy’s confession.

“Is this a joke?” Xander choked out.

“No, Xander, it’s not,” Buffy answered.

Stunned, Xander blinked. “How could you let this happen?”

She looked away.

“With who? Last time I checked you were single.”

“I am.”

“What? So what is this? Artificial insemination?”

Buffy shook her head.

“Well, doubt you’re the next Virgin Mary. So tell me, Buff, what happened?” Xander spat.

“Sp-Spike,” she got out.

“Excuse me?”

“Spike. It was Spike.”

All of a sudden Xander burst out laughing. He pointed a finger. “Good one, guys. You had me going there for a sec.”

Dawn took a step forward. “This isn’t a joke, Xand. Buffy’s going to have a baby and Spike’s the father.”

He surveyed the others, realizing by their faces that it wasn’t a joke. His laughter faded to be replaced with anger.

“It’s true then? And you all knew?”

Willow got to her feet. “I just found out today. I . . .”

“You knew when you came in here all smiles and laughs,” he said to Willow accusingly. His gaze traveled to Buffy. “And you didn’t want to tell me. I was the last one to find out.”

The words were rich with venom. She shivered from the malice they held. She raised her head to see the coldness in his brown eyes that were usually soft and caring.

“You don’t love him, do you?”

“No,” Buffy answered.

“I don’t understand. Why did you do it?” Worry crept into his expression. “Did he force you?”

She was quick to reply. “No! God, no!”

“Then why? All those times I told Spike to get lost. That he never had a chance with a girl like you.”

“You don’t know how hard it’s been just being here. After I was brought back . . . It’s been so hard. I needed something. I . . . I made a mistake thinking Spike could give it to me.”

Xander laughed. It was different than before. This time it was bitter.

“You thought Spike would give you something? Well he certainly did, didn’t he!? It wasn‘t what you were looking for, though, was it?”

“It just happened, okay.”

“Oh, like, ‘Say, you’re evil, get on me’?”

Her green eyes flashed with warning. “He’s human now, Xander.”

“That doesn’t change who he is. He’s still Spike,” Xander threw back.

“Even without a soul and beating heart he wasn’t what you are condemning him of. He fought by your side all summer. He looked after Dawn.”

“But I never forgot what he really was. And I don’t see him out donating to charity now. He seems like the same evil bleached wonder to me.”

Buffy clenched her hands. She fought the urge to deck one of her best friends in the jaw.

“Let’s stop. All I wanted was to tell you. You can feel anyway you want about it, but I have the right to do what I choose. My personal life isn’t any of your business,” she told him.

“It used to be.”

No one spoke for a moment.

“This is finished,” Buffy announced.

“Yeah, it is,” Xander agreed. He turned around. “Let’s go, Any. . .”

Anya was gone. The wrapped CD she had dropped still lay on the floor.

“She left,” Willow informed. “She seemed pretty upset about something.”

Xander nodded. “I know you don’t believe it, but Anya really is smart. I think I’ll follow her lead.”

With that, Xander stormed out of the store.

______________________________________________________

Chapter Seventeen- Decisions

Xander walked into his apartment to find it dark. This was unusual. Anya was known to wait up for him before going to bed. He groped his way through the place, heading into the bedroom. The window let in a subtle amount of moonlight, just enough for him to make out his fiancé’s form curled up under the covers.

“Ahn?”

He sat down on the mattress beside her. He took a gentle hand and touched her back.

Turning over, Anya faced him. He couldn’t see her expression in the shadows.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“Tired,” she murmured.

Letting out a sigh of relief, he said, “So, you’re not mad then.”

“Not at you.” She rose up to a sitting position. “How dare Buffy announce that she is having a baby.”

“I take it you aren’t on the ‘I love Spike bandwagon’ either?”

“That’s not it. Spike is a very good asset to my business. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Buffy can’t have a little person now,” Anya complained.

Confusion spread over Xander. He ran his fingers through his hair. “Not sure I’m following you, Ahn. Why are you upset with Buffy if it isn‘t about her boyfriend?”

All of a sudden Anya turned on the lamp. Xander blinked, his eyes adjusting to it.

The blonde woman grabbed his arm. “Let’s get married soon. Not a couple months from now. Like, in a couple weeks.” Her voice was pleading.

“Why the change in topic? I thought we were talking about Buffy here,” Xander stated.

She let go of his arm. “I don’t care about Buffy. I want to talk about us and our ceremony of eternal love.”

This wasn’t how Xander wanted to discuss their wedding. He had been meaning to bring up the subject, but not when she was in a state of distress.

Xander got to his feet. “About that . . .” His gaze met hers. “Anya, I love you with all my heart. You know that, right?”

A bright smile came to her lips. “I love you too.”

“But . . .” He took in a deep breath. “I think we should wait.” There, he had said it.

She gaped at him.

“I’m not ready yet. I should have told you this sooner, but . . .”

Anya jumped out of bed. “Yes, you should have told me this sooner, Xander Harris!” In a frenzy, she began to take off her nightgown and put on regular clothes.

“Anya, what are you doing?” he asked with concern.

“First Buffy has to announce she’s pregnant and now. . .” She looked over at him with pain in her eyes. “I can’t believe you are breaking up with me!”

“Breaking up?” He shook his head. “I’m not breaking up with you.”

“But you don’t want to get married.”

“I do. Just not right away.”

She buttoned her jeans, now fully dressed. Then she walked briskly out of the room. Xander followed. He snatched her arm.

“Where are you going?” he demanded.

“I don’t know!” she threw back.

Anya thrust her arm back. She reached for the doorknob.

“Please don’t go, Ahn. I love you,” he begged.

She hesitated.

“I’d rather marry you this second than have you walk out of my life forever,” Xander declared.

Anya spun around. Her eyes glimmered with wetness. “Really?”

“If that is what it takes.”

She stepped up to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. She buried her face in his shoulder, soaking his gray shirt with salty tears. He stroked her hair with tenderness.

“I never want to be without you,” Xander said. “I’d be content if it was just the two of us forever.”

Anya lifted her head. “What about three?”

“What?”

******************************

Giles had his watcher diary open, a black pen in his hand.

“All right, so you are from fifteen years in the future?” he questioned.

“And the Gestalt demon is also from your time?”

Again, she confirmed his question. He jotted the information down.

“Buffy and I sent you here to prevent the demon from killing the Buffy here? Which, in result would cause yourself to perish and never be able to cleanse the future?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

He looked up. “Now, about Spike’s condition. He . . .”

Just then the bell over the door tinkled. Giles slammed his diary closed. They shifted their attention to see who entered. Buffy came in. She was wearing black pants and a white v-neck top. Her hair was up in a cute twist.

“Hey, guys,” Buffy greeted. She glanced around. “Where’s Anya?”

“She never showed up,” Alexis announced.

The slayer frowned. “I hope it doesn’t have anything to do with last night. She seemed pretty upset.”

“Really, about what?” Giles inquired.

Buffy shrugged. “I’m not sure. My confession was what set her off.”

Alexis squirmed in her seat.

“Interesting,” muttered Giles.

“I just hope she’s all right. Maybe we should call.”

“A splendid idea, Buffy. I’ll do just that.” He got up to fetch the phone.

“Wait, uh, Giles, about the research. Anything new?”

“Sorry, no,” he lied. “But I will keep looking.”

He went over to the phone and grabbed it. He punched in the numbers to Xander and Anya’s apartment. After several rings he hung up.

Giles turned back. “I’m afraid no one is home.”

*******************************

Buffy dug her hand into the bowl that teetered on her lap. She put the buttery popcorn into her mouth. She was rather enjoying herself. An old classic romance movie was on AMC. It was pretty good. And what was even better was that she was lacking the nausea that had accompanied the past month.

The movie ended with the man and woman kissing after agreeing to get married. How sweet, she thought.

There was a knock at the door. Buffy got up and went to answer it. As she swung open the door, she saw Spike standing on the other side. He gave her a smile.

“Hullo, luv.”

“Hi, Spike. Come in,” she greeted.

She went over and picked up the remote. She pressed the off button and the television went black.

Buffy plopped back down on the couch. She munched on some more popcorn.

“How was the conversation with Harris?” Spike asked.

She frowned. “Not good, but I knew that it wouldn’t be.”

He nodded.

Nervous, Spike took something out of his duster. “I uh. . . have something for you.”

The slayer sat up straighter. “Ooo, prezzies,” she squealed. “And it isn’t even Christmas or my Birthday.”

Her good mood caught him off guard. It wasn’t often she treated him like someone she wanted around.

Spike handed her something square. She took it, realizing that it was a book. Her excitement faded. She wasn’t much for reading. Then she took in the cover. It had a mother holding a baby on the front.

Spike combed a hand through his hair. He seemed embarrassed. “I thought it might help. It tells what to expect and all.”

A genuine smile came to her face. “Thank-you, Spike. I hadn’t even thought about getting a pregnancy book.”

He pointed to the book. “That one pretty much has everything in it.”

She lifted an eyebrow. “You read it?”

“Well, yeah.”

She giggled.

“Hey, I am literate, ya know. And I wanted to know what is going on with the itzy bitzy,” he defended.

She quenched her laughter. “I’m not making fun of you. I think it’s cute.”

A smirk made it’s way to his lips. “Cute, huh? You think I’m cute?”

“Hey!” she protested. “I said what you did was cute, not that you were cute.”

“Same thing, pet. You are what you do.”

“Whatever.”

Buffy stifled a yawn. This didn’t go unnoticed by Spike.

“Right then, I think I better go. Let me know what ya think of the book,” Spike said.

Buffy reached for his hand. “Wait!”

He turned back to face her. “What is it, slayer?”

There was a softness in her eyes that he had never seen in them before.

“Will you stay with me?” she questioned.

“I told you that I’d never deny you. If you really . . .”

She shook her head, interrupting him. “Not like that, Spike. Stay with me tonight. H-Hold me.”

His eyes widened in surprise.

A while later the two were lying comfortably in Buffy’s bed. She was propped against Spike, his arm around her. She drifted off to sleep, feeling warm and content.

***********************

Buffy awoke during the night to feel something rubbing against her belly. Her pajama shirt was lifted, and something was touching her on her bare skin. Her groggy mind came to awareness that it was a hand. Spike’s hand to be exact. He was by the side of the bed, on his knees.

“Hullo, itty bitty, it’s daddy,” he whispered tenderly.

Buffy felt her heart swell. Oh God. He had been right. He was cute.

“Your mum says you’re going to be a little girl. I can just imagine how beautiful you are going to be. You’re going to look just like your mum, you are.”

The way he was talking so sweetly. . . He really loves us, Buffy thought.

“I wish I could give you a right perfect family,” Spike went on. “One where both parents loved each other. I don’t think that’ll ever happen, though. But that doesn’t mean your mum and I don’t love you. We’re going to take good care of you. I’m never going to leave either of you. I’m not like that bloody poof or captain cardboard.”

Buffy felt Spike press his lips to her stomach. “I love you,” he muttered.

He stood up. She kept her eyes shut, feigning slumber. He bent down and kissed her forehead as well. “And I love you.”

A moment later, Spike got back in bed. She risked a glance over at him a short time later. He was asleep, or close to it.

Buffy’s eyes burned with tears. They streamed down her face. She reached out and stroked Spike’s hollow cheek. Poor Spike.

Right then, for the first time, Buffy wished with all her heart that she could love Spike back. Not only for the sake of her baby and Spike, but also for herself.

_________________________________________________

Chapter Eighteen- Love and Hate

Buffy opened her eyes. The sun shown through the window, bathing her in radiance. She was enveloped in something as warm as the rays. She moaned in contentment, rolling over.

Her gaze fell on Spike. She soaked in the sight of him, noticing how childlike he looked while asleep. His hair was free of gel, falling in gentle curls around his face. The arm around her twitched, the first sign of his arousal. Everything came rushing back. She remembered their sleeping arrangements last night; and also his private conversation to their unborn child that she had invaded upon.

Spike shifted, his crystal blue orbs coming to life. They focused on her. At that moment she could see the love the pair held. It had always been there, she was sure, but she had never truly acknowledged it until then. Probably because she hadn’t wanted to.

“Do you want me to go?” Spike asked.

It was strange how fast something could change. Yesterday morning Buffy would have cast him aside without a second thought.

“No,” Buffy replied. “I want you to stay.”

Shock and then confusion passed over him. He rose up on his elbows, taking her in.

“What is this? There is only so much a bloke can take. Are you serious? I don’t think I can stand it if you deny this ever happened and kick me aside.”

She shook her head. “I’m through hurting you, Spike. It’s not good for either of us. Or . . . Or our daughter.”

“Is that what this is then? An attempt to make things right for the baby? A front so she won’t suspect mummy hates daddy. I won’t live a lie, Buffy.”

Sadness fell over her. She’d done real damage to him. Would she be able to fix it? Or was it too late?

“I don’t hate you, Spike. I haven’t for a long time,” she told him.

“What is it you feel then? Do you feel anything at all for me?”

She could tell from his voice that not feeling anything would be far worse than hate.

“I care about you,” she truthfully said.

The expression on his face turned to hope.

“And . . .” She took a deep breath. “I’d like to change that.”

“Change it?” His tone was cold, thinking her words meant something else.

“Yes,” she said gently. “I’d like to make it more.”

“What exactly are you saying, ducks?”

Pleading, Buffy asked, “Will you help me love you, Spike?”

That left him speechless. He stared at her in disbelief.

Smiling, she took his hand. “I think it would be best for all three of us. Don’t you agree?”

His mouth slowly turned into a grin. “Buffy?” he choked. “I . . .”

“So, it’s settled,” she declared. “Buffy mission finding love is now in session.”

That was how Spike became Buffy’s boyfriend. No one fought it. Although, the most likely candidate to do so was missing. Two days went by and neither Xander no Anya had been seen. Everyone was worried. Even Spike was a little concerned. Mostly because they were important to Buffy, and Buffy was important to him.

On the third day, Willow was considering going to Tara for help. Her ex-girlfriend could do a location spell to help. Just as she had made up her mind to do so, the two showed up.

Xander and Anya came into the Magic Box, holding hands. Willow instantly stood up. She put on her resolve face, determined to find out answers.

“You are in big trouble, mister!” Willow declared. “Where have you been?”

“Sorry, Will,” Xander apologized. “I should have told you all that we were leaving.”

“Yeah, you so should have. We were tempted to go to desperate measures. Like slapping your picture on milk cartons.”

At that moment Buffy and Spike came out of the training room. Spike looked exhausted and sore, while Buffy was glowing and full of energy. The slayer held a bottle of water in her hands. She stopped in her tracks, uncertain, when she noticed Xander and Anya.

Xander glanced Buffy’s way. “It was on the spur of the moment. I . . .”

Excitement came over Anya. “We have major news. Even more so than Buffy’s announcement.” She held up her hand. A golden band accompanied her diamond engagement ring. “Look, we got married!”

Buffy’s mouth hung open in aghast. “What about the dream wedding you had planned?”

“We decided it wasn’t needed. All it was doing was tearing us apart rather than bringing us together. We eloped.”

Willow pouted. “I can’t believe I missed your wedding, Xand.”

“We might have another one later,” Xander assured his friend.

The red-head nodded. “You promise?”

“When we’re ready. Right now I don‘t think I could handle it. I have enough to deal with.”

“On that case . . .” Willow moved forward. She hugged Xander, and then even hugged a surprised Anya. “Congratulations.”

Buffy stood there, longing to embrace her friend as well, but held back.

“Can I tell the rest?” Anya eagerly asked.

“Not yet, Ahn. In a bit. I have to do something first,” Xander told her. His eyes landed on Buffy.

“Buffy, can I-uh, can I talk to you for a moment?” He glanced at Spike. “Alone.”

Nodding, Buffy moved toward the back of the store. The newly wedded man followed behind her. They stopped near the couch in the training room. The two friends looked at each other awkwardly like strangers.

Buffy broke the silence. “So, you went and got yourself a wife?”

“Yeah.” He gave her a small smile. “I feel as if a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders. I realize now that it wasn’t marrying Anya that was the problem. It was the whole wedding thing. All I wanted was to declare my love for Anya, not a big mess.”

“Well, I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks.”

There was another pause between them.

“About Spike,” they both began at the same moment.

They grinned.

Buffy gestured to Xander. “You go first.”

He sighed. “Buffy, you were right. What you do with your life is your business. I shouldn’t try to interfere even if I don’t approve.”

“I’m sorry you were the last one to know,” Buffy told him. “I wanted to tell you. You and Will were the ones I wanted to tell first, but I was afraid. I was afraid I might lose you guys.”

“I don’t wanna lose you either. I don’t know what I’d do without you or Willow.”

“Let’s not find out.”

They moved toward each other then, hugging tightly. Xander pulled back slightly.

“So, a baby, huh?” he asked.

“Yeah. Can you deal with that?” she inquired.

“I don’t have to be nice to Spike do I?”

Buffy laughed. “I’m not asking for miracles.”

“Good, cause you aren’t likely to get any.”

“You might want to know something, Xander.” She took a deep breath. “Spike is going to be hanging around a lot. We’re sort of together.”

Xander looked far from happy, but he tried to be accepting. “Are you in love with him?”

“No, I’m not. But I wish I was.”

“How can you say that, Buffy?”

“You’re supposed to be understanding Xander. Where’d he go?”

Sighing, he said, “All right. Living dead boy is going to be around, gotcha.”

“And I might fall in love with him someday.” She met his eyes. “Does the thought of that disgust you?”

“Yes,” he told her, not being able to lie. “But if it ever happens I won’t stand in your way. I’ll grit my teeth and bear.”

She smiled. “Thanks.”

“Friends?”

Her smile brightened. “Friends,” she confirmed.

“As my friend,” he began, “I’d like you to be the first to know something.”

Curious, she asked, “What, Xand?”

“Anya’s going to have a baby.”

Her green eyes got large. “Oh my gosh!”

“Yeah.”

“That is so great, Xander. You’re going to be a daddy.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you excited?”

He nodded. “And petrified.”

“I think that comes with the package.”

Sudden understanding came over Buffy. “That’s why Anya was upset the other day.”

“Yeah,” Xander agreed. “You know, Ahn, she likes the spotlight.”

Buffy and Xander went back out into the main part of the store. Anya rushed over to meet them.

“Can I tell now!?” Anya questioned.

“Go ahead, Ahn,” Xander said, giving the okay.

With a squeal, Anya proclaimed, “Xander and I are going to be parents.”