Chapter 35:

After his fight with Angel, Buffy had bandaged him up, both physically and mentally. They had napped for most of the morning, then they had gone back downstairs to find Angel Investigations still busily trying to deal with the Darla problem. Spike really didn't care, but Buffy still thought Darla had to be dealt with.

So now it was early evening and the two of them were traveling around L.A. checking out a list of hotels, motels, and apartments buildings that Wolfram & Hart was known to use, searching for Darla. They were just about to enter an apartment building when Lilah Morgan stepped outside.

'Bollocks,' Spike thought. 'What the hell is she doing here?'

Buffy eyed him curiously as he regarded the brunette lawyer with trepidation.

"Well isn't this a lucky coincidence," Lilah said in her too sweet voice.

Spike was willing to bet it was anything but a coincidence.

"I was just on my way to find you," she continued. "Dr. Roberts realized that he forgot to give you his card." She produced a business card from her purse and shoved it in Spike's hand. "You know, in case you need a follow up appointment. Brain surgery is a tricky thing. Well, tatah."

With that she beeped open the locks on a nearby Lexus, got in and drove off.

"Brain surgery? What is she talking about? Not to mention who is she?" a confused Buffy asked.

Spike looked down at his shoes, unable to look her in the eye.

"Umm, Lilah's her name. She's one of the lawyers at Wolfram & Hart."

Silence stretched between them. Buffy just waited for him to answer his other question. Realizing he had no way out of this, but concocting some absurd lie, he gave in and hesitantly looked her in the eye. Her hazel eyes were filled with pain. Obviously she knew he was hiding something, and the hint of fear in her eyes told him she'd already guessed what he was going to say.

He found he couldn't look her in the eye after all, and he started to play nervously with the doctor's card.

"I umm. . . I got the chip removed."

"When?" Her voice was barley audible, and yet it was hard.

He looked up at her again. "It's been about two days now."

"Have you killed anyone?" she asked with the same quiet voice.

There was no accusation in her voice, but Spike heard it all the same. Guilt at not telling her flooded him. He was going to. Knew he had to. But he'd wanted a chance to prove himself.

"What?! No. When have I had bloody time for killing? Been dragged all over the place trying to help Angel, haven't I?"

She leaned wearily back against the rough, brick wall of the apartment building.

"So, just haven't had time to schedule it in, huh?" Buffy's voice started to crack.

The tears rolling down her face broke his heart. It wasn't supposed to go like this.

"No. . . I'm not. . . I wouldn't. . . "

"Why not?" she screamed at him. "That's what you've been going on about since they put it in your head. How we should all be careful 'cause of what would happen when you got the chip out."

"It's not like that," he pleaded with her. "Look, I'm not going to kill anyone."

"How do I know that? How can I ever know that?" she sobbed.

"I wanted to kill your dad and I didn't," he said before he could think about what he was saying.

"Oh, great. That's a real big assurance. You only want to kill my family."

"No, I didn't mean it like that. Look, I've changed. I can be-"

"You can be what? Human? You're not. You never will be," she shouted back at him. Then she crumpled. Her legs went out from beneath her and she huddled on the ground hugging herself. "I can't. . . I can't do this again."

"Do what, baby?"

He ran to her, sat next to her and reached out to comfort her, but she flinched away.

"You have to go. You have to leave L.A, leave Sunnydale." She got back to her feet. "I'm the Slayer. If I see you again, I have to kill you."

She walked away.

He ran after her.

"No, it doesn't have to be like that. Look I promise. I won't kill. Just give me a chance," he begged.

She stopped and looked at him. Her hand reached up and she stroked his cheek.

"William, I know you mean it. I know you think you're different, that you won't. . . But if I give you a chance, and you fail, then what? I couldn't. . . I can't. . . Do you love me?"

"Yes, god yes, Buffy. You know I do. I just wanted. . .I just wanted to protect you. That's all. If something happened to you. . ."

"If you love me, Spike. If you really love me, then leave. Do as I ask because I can't. . . I'm not strong enough. I won't survive this again."

Her voice was so soft, the fear and the pain in her eyes so real, that it broke him. She was wrong. It would all be okay, if she would just trust him. But he had already broken that trust. He could see in her eyes that she wouldn't give in. That no sweet words or kisses would win his way back into her heart. Would win back her trust. Slim as it was, his only hope was to do what she wanted, and hope she came around.

"I won't kill. But if you think. . . If you ever need me, I'll be there. I promise. The claim, it won't go away. You just have to let me know you need me, and I'll come."

Spike couldn't remember anything more difficult than turning his back on her and walking away. It was too much, it was more than he could bear. He turned back around to fall on his knees to beg her to come back. But she was gone. He hadn't heard her run off, so she couldn't have gone far. But the fact that she had disappeared when his back was turned, that she hadn't stayed to watch him leave made it clear that she really did want him gone.

Hanging his head he left, never noticing that Darla had been watching the whole thing from a window above them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy sat staring out the window of the bus as she left L.A. behind. She didn't dare face Angel, and if she didn't get back to Sunnydale soon she knew she'd run after Spike.

The worst part was that he meant it. He really did believe that he had changed. That without the chip, and without a soul he could be good. That he could overcome his very nature for her.

She'd felt his sincerity through their bond, just as she'd felt his heartbreak when she'd told him that he had to leave. It had been the second hardest thing she'd ever done.

She wished she could be brave, be the young idealistic girl that had followed after Angel no matter what. That had believed love would conquer all and that if you just held on there would be a happy ending. But she knew where that got you. That got your friends dead, and sooner or later you ended up having to kill the person you loved.

She didn't have that anymore. She knew that. She loved Spike, and there was no way she could kill him. No matter what the cost, and she suspected the cost would be her soul. No, if he killed again, she wouldn't be able to stake him, she'd let it slide. And the next victim, and the next, until her soul was stained with every innocent life he took.

That was why he had to leave. Had to go away so she couldn't feel him any more. It was so that she would never have to face her worst fear. To choose between love and duty again.

Chapter 36:

When Buffy first got back to Sunnydale, she'd promised herself that she wasn't going to just sit around and cry and mope. At first she found other things to occupy her mind. Like Lou and the Mermaid's Grasp. So much had happened to her in the last few days that she'd forgotten her fear at being made helpless by the slimy strip club owner. So she figured she'd do something about it.

She didn't know exactly what he'd done to her, but she clearly remembered him putting on red sunglasses and then a bright flash of light. It didn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that that this was a bad guy to be fought with accessories. So she bought herself a new set of shades, and paid a visit to the Mermaid's Grasp early the next morning.

It was all rather anticlimactic. The last time she and Spike had been there, the other patrons had been willing to join in the fray. But there had been a lot of customers that night. She had carefully planned her visit for a time when there would be few demons about, so once she had dispatched the bouncers he'd sicked on her nothing stood between her and Lou.

Lou, it turned out, had a severe allergy to pain. Even though she didn't remember hitting him, he sure did. Not the least because she'd broken his nose and given him two impressive black eyes. So he pretty much fell sobbing at her feet begging for mercy. She made it very clear to him that in the future he would leave humans alone, and that if she heard differently she would return and burn his place down.

As she strode away from the sleazy club, she felt let down by the lack of excitement. She'd been expecting this big showdown to distract her from the pain in her heart. Not a Willy-want-to-be who crumpled at the sight of a fist.

She actually managed to keep busy for a day and a half after that, because the new school year was about to begin and it was time for her to move back into the dorms. She told her friends that she didn't want any help so that it would take her longer, and so that they wouldn't ask her any questions about Spike and L.A.

Once the moving and unpacking was done, things were even worse. She'd managed to get a corner dorm room without a roommate. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Willow had wanted to move in with Tara, and Buffy had thought having a room that she could bring her boyfriend back to without worrying about disturbing a roommate had seemed perfect. Of course that had been when she was dating Riley. Now she wasn't dating anyone, and for the first time in her life she was living on her own.

It was terribly lonely. The next couple days were the most miserable of her life. This was worse than when Angel had left her, because not only did she have her own heartbreak and loneliness to deal with but she could feel Spike's as well. Distance hadn't diminished her connection to him, and she felt his emotions as strongly as if he was in the room with her.

She'd hoped class would distract her, but nothing was really happening in any of her classes. It was all going over rules and reading syllabi. She had very little homework, and nothing to do but sit in her room and think.

Thinking caused her to realize some very painful truths. The first one was that what she had done to Spike was almost exactly the same thing Angel had done to her. She'd made the decision for both of them, without really allowing him to have much input. This time she was the one who didn't have faith in the relationship.

But Angel had never had to deal with her pain, and she had to deal with Spike's. There was no pretending it wasn't real, or pretending he was better without her.

Almost worse than his pain, was the knowledge that he was up to something. She didn't know what. She couldn't read his mind–all she could feel was purpose. Spike was planning something and she was pretty sure it involved her somehow.

Half the time this frightened her. She imagined him returning to Sunnydale having arranged some grand romantic gesture that would take away all her will, and despite her better judgment, she would take him back. The other half of the time she hoped that he would return, whether he had a big romantic gesture or not (though if given a choice, she voted for romantic gesture).

Just when she thought it couldn't get any worse, Giles tracked her down. He'd gotten a call from Angel and had found out not only about the claim, but also about Spike having his chip removed. She hadn't understood how Angel could have known about a chip, and she tried to distract Giles by pushing the issue. Finally they called Angel and learned that he had found out from Darla. It seemed that she had watched the entire break up scene.

Buffy had never had a very high opinion of Darla, but now she thought of her as little more than a busy body.

One good thing had come out of the whole tearful scene. Since he knew about the claim, she figured she might as well tell him about the mystery connection she had to Spike. Despite his anger and disappointment, the mystery of why his Slayer was becoming empathic with vampires was a research opportunity he could not pass up. He promised to look into it, muttering something about "the origins of the Slayer."

Buffy was just getting ready for patrol two nights later when she suddenly realized that Spike was closer than he'd been since she'd left L.A. As she concentrated on the bond she realized not only was he closer, but that he was moving toward her rapidly. She tried to examine his emotions and found both anxiety, and eagerness. He was coming home, back to her.

Now that it was actually happening, she didn't know how she felt about his return. She kept wavering between continuing on with her routine as if nothing had happened, or staying where she was. Finally indecision won out and she stayed within the safety of her dorm room, to which he had not been invited.

Then it came, the knock on her door. He was there, just outside within easy reach of her fists or her lips. She was scared to open the door. She was both afraid to face him, and afraid that he wouldn't really be there at all.

"Buffy?" he called through the door.

Her heart thudded in her throat. It was definitely him. She practically flew across the room and threw the door open.

"Spike I-"

RING!

The phone interrupted her.

"I um. . . " she started.

RING!

"Oh, dammit! Hold on."

Buffy rushed back over to her bed and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" she snapped into the receiver.

"Buffy?" came Dawn's weepy voice.

'Great,' thought Buffy, 'Mom refused to buy her that new top she absolutely had to have and now she's calling me to complain.'

"Yeah, Dawn. What is it?"

"Mom, she. . . " Dawn was crying into the phone. "Oh God, Buffy. She didn't know who I was and the she just. . . she just fell. And-" Someone in the background interrupted Dawn and Buffy could hear men's voices.

Buffy wanted to yell at Dawn to get back on the phone. What did she mean that mom fell down? Mom's don't just fall down. Horrid seconds ticked by before Dawn's voice floated back over the telephone line.

"Buffy. . . the paramedics, they're taking us to the hospital."

"Okay, Dawn. It's Okay. You go with them. I'll be there right away."

She hung up the phone with a trembling hand.

"Buffy, what's wrong?" came Spike's worried voice.

She almost jumped. In the few short minutes she'd been on the phone with Dawn she'd forgotten about him completely. His words pushed her into action, however, and she headed for the door, not paying attention to whether he followed or not.

"My mom. I have to get to the hospital."

As she exited the dorm he grabbed her by the arm and pulled her in a different direction.

"I have the bike. I'll drive you."

She could do nothing but nod.

A/N: Includes some excerpts from "Out of My Mind"

Chapter 37:

Buffy burst through the doors of the emergency room looking for her sister. Spike was right behind her. From one moment to the next, Buffy couldn't decide whether she found his presence comforting or not. It had certainly been nice on the ride over, having her arms around him as she pressed her cheek against his back. But Spike meant a whole other set of issues she had to deal with and if something was wrong with her mom, she didn't know how she would manage.

They found Dawn sitting in a hall playing with a stethoscope that was hung around her neck.

"Hey. How's Mom? Are you okay?" Buffy asked her sister while enveloping her in a big hug.

"I'm okay."

"And your mom's doing just fine," said a young man in a doctor's coat.

Buffy let go of Dawn and stood up to face the newcomer.

"This is Ben," Dawn introduced him. "He gave me his stethoscope."

"Lent you his stethoscope. Buffy, right?" He held out his hand to her. "I'm Ben, I'm an intern here. I've had the pleasure of hanging out with the renowned Dr. Dawn here while your mom's being tested."

Buffy shook his hand. The intern began to explain to her about her mom's condition. Reassuring Buffy over and over that there was no reason to think it was anything serious. It could be something as harmless as low blood sugar.

Buffy was trying hard to pay attention, but Dawn was flitting back and forth playing with the stethoscope. She listened to all of their hearts in turn. When she came to Spike, she giggled. Buffy wanted to roll her eyes, or shake her sister. Didn't she realize how serious this could be? Instead of paying attention to the doctor, Dawn was trying to listen to a heart that didn't beat.

Dawn was also making Spike nervous. His emotions were as all over the place as Buffy's, but when Dawn placed the stethoscope over his heart he became jumpy, even if he seemed to retain his normal cool on the outside. Buffy just figured his heart was sort of a sensitive subject.

"Hey." Buffy reached out to stop Dawn.

"S o r r y," Dawn replied sarcastically and sat back down in her chair, pouting.

"Why don't I take you to your mom?" Ben said, seeing the tension between the two sisters. "She's still got some tests, but I'm sure she's pretty bored and would like to see you."

Buffy nodded and followed Ben into one of the rooms where her mother was sitting in a hospital gown. Buffy and Dawn rushed forward to hug their mom while Spike hung back by the door.

"Hi," Joyce greeted her daughters.

"Hey. How are you?" Buffy asked.

"Oh . . . embarrassed, mostly. I'm sorry to put you through this. Hopefully these tests will be done soon so we can go home." She looked towards the door. "Hello, Spike. I've been wondering where you were. Come in, sit down."

"Uh, thanks." He moved clumsily into the room and took a seat to one side.

Buffy was relived to find her mom was still mom. Joyce easily took over the conversation, comforting her daughters, including Spike, and keeping everyone's mind away from the fact they were in the hospital with her usual grace.

There were more tests. When the doctors promised there would only be one more, they realized for the first time they didn't have a car. They decided that Spike would take Joyce's keys, ride his bike back to the Summers' house and bring her car back.

By the time he returned they were ready to go and he drove them all home.

For a little bit, Buffy sort of forgot about Spike. She could feel him hovering there at the edge of her house, not interfering as Buffy convinced Dawn that both she and their mother needed to get some sleep.

Finally, the house had quieted down. There was nothing left to do except confront the vampire who was lurking in her living room.

"Are you all right, pet?" he asked as she trudged down the stairs.

"Spike, you have to go," She couldn't deal with this right now. Not when all she wanted was for him to hold her and tell her that it would all be all right.

"Right," he mumbled and headed for the door. Then he turned back. "No, look. Love I know you've had a rough night, but I have to tell you something." He raised his hand to silence her as she started to protest. "It's nothing to do with us. It's probably nothing to do with. . . but it's something to do with something."

"Spike." She plopped down on the couch. "I really can't do cryptic tonight."

"Right. Sorry." He sat down next to her. "Do you remember, back in L.A, when you mentioned your sister, and I couldn't remember her?"

"Yeah, but what-"

"Just listen. I thought. . . well I thought maybe it had to do with the chip. I mean, for a moment there, I couldn't remember her existing at all. And then, just like that, I knew exactly who she was. So anyway, I went back to the doctor. Had them look at me brain again." Spike chuckled. "He was real upset. Claimed he didn't do anything wrong. Went on about how people always blame the brain surgeon first."

She just stared at him blankly, wondering why she was letting a vampire who could kill her or her family babble in her living room.

"Uh, well. Guess you had to be there. Anyway, he said it had nothing to do with the chip. It was a memory spell. He couldn't tell me much more, not quite his area, you know? So I've been up and down the coast, visiting every witch-doctor and mystic, trying to figure out this spell I'm under."

"Spike, what does this have to do with anything."

"It's Dawn. She's not. . . I don't know what she is, but she's not your sister. Look pet, I finally found someone to tell me what the spell was. It's her. I mean she's not the spell. But someone put a spell on me, and I'm guessing everyone else to make us think the nibblet was your sister."

"That's absurd. You're saying my sister is what? A demon spy?"

"No. . . I don't know what she is. Don't think she's a demon, though. She's got a heartbeat and all that, she even smells human. . . Oh! I could bite her, see if she's-"

"YOU ARE NOT," Buffy remembered her mother and sister were asleep upstairs and lowered her voice. "You are not biting my sister. Look, I don't know what this is about Spike, but this is the most ridiculous attempt at getting back together I've ever seen."

"This isn't about getting back together," he snapped back at her. "I'm trying to warn you. . ." He desperately looked for the words, after all he didn't know what he was trying to warn her about.

Buffy wasn't paying attention to that. She'd been so sure that whatever Spike had been up to, it was about her. About trying to get her back. She was hurt to know that he wasn't even trying to be with her.

"So you don't want to get back together?" she asked quietly.

"What? No. I mean, yes. I mean. . . Of course I want you, I just didn't think. You said. . . I didn't think. . . that is. . . "

Spike gave up on trying to find the right words. Instead, he fell back on what he knew best. He took her face in his hands, and before she could protest or move away, he kissed her.

It wasn't a kiss of crushing and overwhelming passion. It wasn't a long kiss, either. Just the barest brushing of their lips. But even so, Buffy could feel the deep longing in both of them in that brief moment.

It was too much. She'd been saying that to herself all night, but this time it really was. A damn broke inside her and once again she was crying in his arms. He held and rocked her. Whispering to her that it was all going to be okay. When she fell asleep, he carried her upstairs, tucked her into her bed, and kissed her goodnight.

Chapter 38:

Buffy's fist crashed into the vampire's nose with a satisfying crunch. This was exactly what she needed to relax herself after the stressful day she'd had. Buffy had tried to spend the day pampering her mother. Unfortunately, Dawn kept doing stupid things to get her mother's attention, and her mother had been too busy for Buffy's liking.

It was almost enough to make you think your kid sister was a demon. Almost, but not quite. Sure, Dawn was evil, but it was bratty-kid-sister evil, not needs-to-be slain evil. Whatever Spike thought, Buffy was sure of this. It would have been easier if Spike had known about Ted, her mother's robotic ex-boyfriend, or Kathy her demonic roommate. Buffy had known both of them were evil, when everyone else just thought they annoyed her, and she had been right. Considering how much Dawn annoyed her, if she was evil she would have set off Buffy's spider sense a long time ago.

Which brought up another problem. What was she to do with Spike? She'd been disappointed when she'd woken up and he hadn't been there. True it made things easier, since she would have been stuck with him all day once the sun came up, but she didn't know what to make of it.

Did he want her or not? His emotions told her he loved her, but his actions raised some doubt. Buffy had learned the hard way that love wasn't enough. She did believe that Angel still loved her, but that hadn't meant he was willing to stay with her. And Spike had given in so easily. He hadn't fought the way she'd expected him to. All in all it just gave her a headache.

So she was more than happy to be pummeling the vampire. Unfortunately, she was so preoccupied that she slew him too quickly. She'd even been quipping on autopilot.

"Hey!" A man yelled at her as a bright light was shone in her face. A night watchman approached her. "Miss, if you're looking for one of those rave parties, I'm afraid you're late. Chased a bunch of kids out of here last night."

"Oh, right." Buffy quickly went along with the guard's explanation of why a young woman would be in the industrial district at night. "Yeah. Darn. My fellow ravers will be so disappointed. It was my turn to bring the Bundt cake."

"You know, if it was my call, I'd let you do whatever you want. It's not like anybody's using this place or nothin'. But they just don't pay me enough to argue with the boss, so..."

"Already gone," she assured him.

She turned to leave when the guard called her back. "Oh, hey! Hold it, Miss. Take your... whatever this is with you."

He bent over, picked up a large glowing yellow orb and handed it to her.

"Thank you," she said as she looked at the curious object.

"Glow balls, huh?" He laughed. "I swear, I don't get your generation. What is that thing?"

Not really paying any attention to him, she replied, "I'll let you know as soon as I find out."

After a moment's consideration, she decided she did know what it was. It was a good excuse to talk to the vampire that had been stalking her all night.

She walked a distance away from the warehouse. Then she called out softly, "Any ideas?"

"About your new night-light? Not a one," Spike admitted as he stepped out of the shadows. He looked a little sheepish. "How'd you know I was there?"

"I always know where you are," she told him simply.

"Any word on your mum?" he asked her.

"No, still waiting on test results."

The walked deeper into Sunnydale's industrial district as Buffy continued her patrol.

He nodded. "Well, if you need any help. . . Slaying or taking care of your mum. Let me know."

"What?" Buffy was shocked. "You're not supposed to say that."

"Huh?"

"You're supposed to tell me that you're sure that it's nothing and that every thing's going to be okay."

"Oh, right. I'm sure it's nothing. Every thing's going to be okay," he said in a dead pan voice.

Buffy laughed. Spike looked startled for a moment, and then he joined in.

"Oh, god. Don't ever do that again," she told him.

"Never was good at the polite insincerity." He smiled at her and started to reach out his hand to touch her shoulder, but then he pulled back. "Seriously, Buffy. If you need anything, I know a thing or two about caring for the sick."

"I can't believe you just compared my mom to Drusilla!" Buffy spun around and started to walk away from him.

"No, I didn't mean. . . " He grabbed her arm to stop her. "I meant my mum."

That stopped Buffy dead in her tracks.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know. What did she. . ."

"It's all right. luv. It was a long time ago. It was consumption. Uh, you call it tuberculosis nowadays."

"Did she. . ? I mean, of course by now. . . That is. . . "

"Did she die? That what you're trying to ask?"

"Yeah," she said weakly.

Despite his saying it was a long time ago, Buffy could tell the pain was still real for Spike. It surprised her a little. She knew Spike was capable of great love, but it was unusual for a vampire to care for any of the people they had cared for in life.

"How old where you when she. . . died?" she asked carefully.

Conflicting emotions spread through him. He felt guilty. She supposed that he felt that he should have been able to do more, been able to save her somehow. There was also revulsion, and Buffy wondered if his mother's death had been particularly ugly. It made her unsure if she should be asking about it. Although he had brought it up.

He stopped and leaned against the wall of the building they were passing. "I was. . . She didn't die of the consumption. I killed her."

He looked her in the eye, as if daring her to say something, But Buffy could feel his shame. It surprised her. Not that he'd killed her–that was pretty normal for a vampire–but that he felt shame about it, or grief. It did explain the guilt, though.

She moved close to him for the first time that night, and put a hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay. A lot of vampires kill thei-"

"It wasn't like that!" Spike interrupted her frustratedly. He broke away from her, and started pacing. "I know what you think," he continued. "You think I'm like Angel. Killed his dad cause he could never live up to his expectations." He saw her startled look. "Yeah, I know all about that."

Buffy was surprised, not so much at Spike's knowing that Angelus had killed his family, but the reasons he'd given for it. Buffy had never stopped to consider why Angelus, or any vampire would go back and kill their mortal family. It was just one of those things they did. She'd never really thought it was motivated by anything. It was odd, and a little frightening to think that a vampire's first acts were to take revenge for their mortal lives.

"It wasn't like that. I loved my mum. I was trying to. . ." He sank to the ground, hugging his knees. "Trying to save her." His voice softened, "You know. I thought I could make her better, that she'd be healthy. . ."

"But she wasn't your mother anymore," Buffy finished for him. She sat next to him and put her arm around him.

"Yeah, she was. . . It was pretty bad. I had to stake her, not fifteen minutes after she rose. But before that. . . before Dru, I took care of her for a couple years. So like I said. . ."

"Thanks," Buffy told him.

She hated him a little for the revelation he'd given her. Not because it made him seem more evil, but it made him more human. It was all too understandable. And it made her all the more vulnerable to him.

She'd talked to all her friends about her mother's hospital trip over the course of the day and they'd all offered her empty consolations. Spike had been the only one with the courage, or the understanding to really try and talk to her about it.

It frightened her more than anything ever had to think that her mother might be sick. That someone she loved might be endangered by something she couldn't fight. And Spike would get that. William understood what it was like to have a sick mother, and Spike understood the need to deal with your problems directly and with force.

"It's different now," Spike interrupted the silence. She looked at him quizzically. "In my day, doctors, all they could do was tell you how you were going to die, and how to make it hurt less. If something's wrong, they'll cure her up before you know it."

She smiled at him. "Spike-"

"Shh. Look, you could use a friend right now. Let me be your friend Buffy."

She rested her head against his shoulder. "Yeah, I'd like that."

Chapter 39:

Spike had a hard time sleeping ever since he moved back into his crypt. For the first time he was aware of the fact that everything around him was dead, and still, and quiet. He'd gotten into the habit of leaving the TV on, just so there would be other voices around him.

He knew the reasons he had to return. He had even argued for them, still it was hard after the months he had spent living in the Summers' house to live alone in his crypt again.

He had moved in with the Summers women for two reasons. The obvious one, the reason that had initially been told to Dawn and the other Scoobies was to help Joyce while she was ill. The secondary reason known only to himself, Buffy, and Giles was to help protect Dawn from Glory.

Buffy had not been happy to find out that Spike had been right about all their memories of Dawn being fake. She'd been even less happy to find out that a group of monks had decided to simply shove a little sister into her life and expect her to guard said sister.

But Buffy was the Slayer, and she quickly accepted the new duty that had been thrust upon her. Besides, as she had told Spike when he'd tried to convince her that her sister wasn't her sister, she knew Dawn wasn't evil. She knew that Dawn belonged.

But once Joyce had recovered from her surgery, they could no longer pretend that her health was the reason he was staying there. Scared that his presence might tip off Glory to the fact that the Key was in the Slayer's house, he had moved out.

The crypt now felt quiet and lonely. He had grown used to the sounds of the three Summers women. He had grown used to being part of a family again.

"Poor little William," an all too familiar voice called from the sewer tunnels. "They've left him all alone. He thinks she'll love him. Thinks she'll trust him, but it doesn't matter they all fall down."

"Dru?" he called into the darkness.

The shadows seemed to part like curtains to let her through. Drusilla always knew how to make an entrance. Burns marred her beautiful pale face, but her eyes sparkled with stolen life. He could smell the sweet perfume of fresh death on her and it called to him.

Pale arms snaked around his neck as his Dark Princess pressed herself against him.

"What happened?" he asked, ghosting his fingers over her scarred flesh.

"We had a great party, Grand-mummy and I." She laughed with joy. "She's not Grand-mummy, she's my little girl now. I made her, and I'll love her forever, but she went away." Her smile turned into a frown and she whimpered.

"Darla burned you?" he asked.

"No, we thought it was Daddy, but it wasn't. He let us have our party, though. Knocked them all down, all but two. But then he tricked us, he burned us. Why is it never Daddy?" Tears spilled down her alabaster cheeks.

Habit overtook Spike and he brushed them away, gently bringing her cheek to rest against his chest. He rocked her as if she were a small child, comforting her.

"Hush, now, luv. You'll be fine. Angel won't come for you here."

After a few moments she stopped crying and began to purr softly.

"I've missed you, Spike. Have you missed me?" She pulled back a little to fix him with her eyes.

"I did miss you, Dru, but it's been too long." He tried to pull away from her, but she held him tightly.

"We'll be a family again. You're my knight not hers," she insisted.

"No, Dru," he told her firmly. This time he forcibly broke away. "You can't just come back and expect me to follow you around like a puppy. Not anymore."

"No, you're her dog now. But she doesn't give you scraps."

She slipped down the shoulder of her dress, exposing more of her breasts. She opened her arms and approached him, running her hands over his chest.

"Come back to me, you belong to me. There is only blood and tears for you here, and they will not make you laugh. They will dig you open, and toss you aside. Shhh, they will not tell their secrets."

He listened to her, trying to determine what among her ramblings were prophecies, and what was merely an attempt to get him back.

That's when it occurred to him. He could chain her up, get Buffy, and prove his love. He would stake Drusilla in front of Buffy and then she would know that he was good. She would take him back.

"There is nothing here but the tower for you," Drusilla accused him.

The look in her eyes told him she knew what he was thinking.

"Death and ashes. Death and ashes. It bleeds, and they all turn away," she ranted.

Drusilla looked him in the eye. She took two steps back, and then she ran back towards the sewer tunnels she'd come from.

He was on her in an instant. Tackling her to the ground. Insane shrieking filled the air, as the two vampires struggled. It didn't last long. Drusilla was still recovering from her burns, and Spike was the better fighter. As much as it still pained him to do it, he beat her until he could drag her to the chains that hung along one wall of the crypt.

He chained her, double checked to make sure that she could not pull free. Then he grabbed a cell phone from next to his bed, careful to shield it from Drusilla's eyes.

It embarrassed him to own a cell phone, but Buffy and Joyce had insisted that if he was going to help protect Dawn, they needed a way to keep in touch with him, and there was no way to get a regular phone line to his crypt.

He moved to the upper level and flipped open the phone. Hitting the speed dial he called Buffy's phone. It was bad enough they made him carry the damn thing, it was somehow worse being part of their family calling plan, but Joyce insisted that it was more economical for her to pay the phone along with phones for the girls, than for him to have his own.

He called Buffy and asked her to meet him at his crypt as soon as she could. While he waited he listened to Dru. He was fairly sure that a lot of what she was saying was to just to keep him from staking her, but some of it was most likely prophecy, and Spike had learned it was always best to listen and remember what she said.

He heard the door to his crypt open and rushed up to greet Buffy.

"Spike! What is it? What's happened? Is it Glory?"

"Easy, luv. Didn't mean to frighten you. It's nothing to do with Glory. Just want to show you something. Do you have a stake?" he asked.

"What?! You had me completely panicked. And of course I have a stake!"

He held out his hand and she handed him the wooden stake, glaring at him the whole time.

Dru took up wailing below.

"What's that?" Buffy asked.

"A present," he told her as he beckoned her to follow him to the lower level.

"No, no, no, no, no," Drusilla was moaning over and over again.

"Drusilla?" Buffy asked wide eyed as she saw the chained vampire. "What the hell is going on, Spike?"

"What do you think, pet. She came back. Wanted me to go with her. But I wouldn't. I wanted to show you, luv. Show you that it's over."

He approached Drusilla with the stake raised.

"Whoa! Hold on," Buffy ordered him. He paused, confused. This wasn't the reaction he'd anticipated. "Let me get this straight. You're going to stake your ex-girlfriend because. . ." She waited for him to finish for her.

"To prove I love you. To prove I'm not evil anymore."

Drusilla began to laugh. "She doesn't see. But she will when the worms have her eyes. Scratch, scratch. Scratch, scratch."

"Yeah, okay," was Buffy's only comment on the insane vampire's ramblings. "Look, I get this. Kind of, but killing your ex-girlfriend to prove you love me, kind of creepy. Besides, I know you love me."

"No, you don't," Spike insisted. "If you knew how much. . . You wouldn't doubt me, pet. Not if you knew."

"Eyes on the inside, do you feel the worms when they bite?" Drusilla asked.

"I do, and can we either stake Drusilla or move somewhere else, really hard to have a serious conversation here."

"Just like that? You want me to casually stake my sire? You won't even admit that it means anything," Spike argued.

"I didn't say that," Buffy insisted. "I get it. But I mean, it makes a girl wonder; if you move on from me, will you come back to kill me for your next girlfriend?"

Spike roared in frustration and threw the stake against the wall. "Maybe I should just let her go and see which one of you kills the other first. Hmm?"

"Oh, yes, I like that plan," Drusilla chimed in.

"You see," Buffy said with frustration. "This is the point. I know you don't mean it, but why would you even say that? I can't. . . I can't talk to you when you're like this."

With that Buffy headed back up the ladder to the upper level and the door.

"Wait, luv," Spike called after her. He grabbed her arm to slow her down. "This went all wrong somehow. Please, I'm just trying to. . ."

But Buffy broke free from his grasp and opened the crypt door, stepping out into the sunshine.

"I'll see you later, okay?" she asked. But she didn't wait for him to follow. Instead, she walked off into the afternoon sun where he couldn't follow, leaving him behind, and alone.

Chapter 40:

For a while Spike did nothing but rant and rave. Not to Drusilla, who was still chained on the lower level, but simply to the stone walls of his crypt. Why was it that nothing he did ever went right?

Finally he settled down on the couch and buried his face in his hands. But the calm only lasted a moment. Below his feet he could hear Drusilla trying to pull loose the chains that bound her.

Wearily he descended to the lower level to deal with her. To his surprise she was silent as he picked up the stake he'd thrown earlier and approached her. He stroked her cheek with his hand and looked sadly at her. It wasn't as if he didn't love her anymore, it just wasn't enough.

"Good bye, William. You should have run while you could," she told him.

"Good bye, Dru."

He kissed her forehead and plunged the stake into her heart. There was a strange sensation as her face turned to dust in his hand.

Once the last of her dust had crumbled through his fingertips, he fell to the ground where he stood and began to cry. He lost track of everything as he lay on the floor sobbing, so it startled him when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Buffy's soft voice said. "Both for what I said, and for Drusilla."

He sat up and started to wipe the tears from his eyes, trying to control his sobbing.

"No, don't," she told him. "You should cry. It's okay."

She wrapped her arms around him, pulled his face close to her chest, and ran her fingers through his hair. For a moment he tried to resist, but he felt so comforted by her touch and her scent that instead he found himself beginning to cry all over again.

He didn't know how long he sat there, being rocked in Buffy's arms, and listening to her murmur comforting words. Finally he had no more tears, and reluctantly pulled away from her.

She was smiling sadly at him. "You okay?" she asked.

"What'd you care?" he sulked.

"I care. Look, I am sorry. I just was kind of surprised. I thought. . . I don't know that maybe you'd found a weapon to fight Glory or something. 'Cause you know, if anyone could find some mythical what's it that isn't even really supposed to exist, it's you."

He snorted, refusing to be won over by her flattery, as he continued to wipe away his tears.

"It's just," she continued. "It was sort of this horrible deja vu."

"Huh?"

"It was just after I found out that Angel was a vampire that he killed Darla. It was sort of like, 'See I'm a good vampire, I killed my sire.' I don't think Angel cried though."

Spike started up defensively, "Yeah, well-"

"No, I mean. It's good you cried. I never really knew if it meant anything to Angel. I mean, he didn't exactly make a big deal of it, but. . . Well it was always hard to know what Angel thought about anything." She stopped and looked at him seriously, "I should tell you something, and you're going to be mad."

He looked at her suspiciously. Was it finally coming? Was she finally going to tell him to go away forever? Technically she'd already told him that once, but would she really mean it?

"There's this thing. It has to do with being the Slayer. I can sense vampires. The thing is ever since we. . . first had sex, it's been getting stronger when it comes to you. At first it was just that I could pick you out from any other vampire, and then I knew where you were no matter what. The closer we get the stronger it gets and I can sort of. . . " She took a deep breath. "Sense your emotions."

Spike was stunned; he wasn't expecting anything like this. He didn't even know how to respond. "How long. . ?"

"The emotion thing, sometime in L.A. There wasn't an exact moment. It's not like someone suddenly turned on a Slayer switch or anything. Look. . . before you say anything, the reason I told you is because I want you to know that I really know. I know that you love me and how much. It's not you I doubt, Spike. It's me I don't trust. If something happened, I don't know if I could stop you in time."

He got up pushing her away from him. "That's just. . . stupid. If you trust me, which obviously you don't, then it wouldn't matter because you'd know I'd never put you in the situation where you'd have to stop me."

"Well yeah, when you get all logical about it. I want to Spike. I want so much to let you be strong for me. To just give in, but I'm the Slayer, and if I'm weak. . ."

"Love doesn't make you weak, pet. You're the good guy, you're supposed to know that." He sat back down next to her. "And if you let me help a little, if you let me take just a small part of your burden, it doesn't mean you aren't strong enough, just means you're saving your strength for the things that really matter."

"I don't know. . ."

"Shh, listen to me. I know I can't take it all away. I know that when the chips are down, you're the one who's going to have to save the world, and I may be able to help some, but I can't take that over for you. But being with me, that doesn't mean you can't do that, too. Do you think I want to take you away from you mum, and the bit? Why is it all right to help if we're friends, but not if we're lovers?"

"See there you go with the logic again. But you're forgetting Hellmouth logic. It's when you give in that things go all kerplewy. There will be a curse, or a prophecy or something and it'll all go bad."

He chuckled, "You're a real piece of work Summers, you know that? You're not afraid that you won't be strong enough, even you aren't that daft. You're afraid to be happy. Trying to avoid all the cliches here, but isn't it better to try and be happy for as long as you can? If you really trust me, then trust me to help you through whatever comes. Is that really too much to ask?"

She looked him in the eyes for what seemed an eternity. Thinking over his words, weighing her fears against her desires. Finally, slowly, she leaned forward and kissed him.

He wrapped his arms around her and lifted her up off the floor and onto the bed. He pulled back to look in her eyes for permission. She nodded slightly and he lay down next to her. He could tell that she was still scared, but it was a first step, and with time he was convinced he could show her that they were the one thing she didn't ever have to fear.

The End