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Chapter 9
Heading for a wall?

Buffy hadn’t moved at all for a good half hour. She was still sitting at her desk, holding her head the way she had been after Giles and Spike left the room. When Harmony walked in without knocking, she didn’t even look up.

“Buffy, Ms. Osbourne is here.”

“Harmony, I.. “

A voice, that wasn‘t Harmony‘s, cut her off before she could get another word out.

“Wow. I knew it was you but--Wow! I can’t believe it. Buffy Summers. I just can’t believe--Did I already say wow?” Harmony kept looking between the grinning red head and the staring Buffy, not understanding what was going on. Then Buffy let out an excited squeal just before running into the red head’s arms.

“Just my luck, I work for a freak.” Harmony snorted before exiting the office.

“Oh. My. God. Willow!” Buffy had tears in her eyes when she pushed Willow at arm length, holding her by her shoulders to look at her. “Saying that you have changed would be an understatement.”

“I could say the same to you Buffy. You look great.”

“So do you.”

They looked at each other and giggled like school girls.

“Damn this is so weird.” Buffy said after she finally calmed down. “It’s been what? Ten years?”

“Almost fourteen.” Willow corrected with a sad smile. “I can’t believe it’s been that long. I remember like it was yesterday. I was so sad when my parents decided to leave L.A. But I thought it wouldn’t be for more than a year and that we would manage to keep in touch somehow. Who would have known it would take them five years to grow out of their hippie phase?”

“So, you were in South America for five years?”

“No. We only stayed there for two months, then we went to Africa. I went to a private school there with other Americans. When my parents got tired of that and we finally moved back, they decided Sunnydale would be a great place to live. I tried to find you, but you moved… Oh Buffy, I missed you so much!”

Buffy hugged Willow again, crushing the poor girl against her.

“Huh… Buff? Blue doesn’t look good on me.”

“What?”

“Can’t. Breath.”

“Oh. Sorry!” She released her. “With all that, I forgot to ask. What are you doing here?”

“Hello? Work here. Didn’t your charming and oh-so-sharp secretary tell you?”

“I think I would remember if she did.”

“I’m the head criminologist here. I do most of the psychological evaluations and sit at the parole board.”

“She told me the head criminologist was… “

“Ms. Osbourne?” Willow grinned. “Duh. I got married.”

“No kidding!”

“Harmony is the only one calling me by my married name. And she usually says it with a touch of disdain. She’s a bit upset that the big geek that I am is married and she’s not.”

“Oh Will, I’m so happy for you! We have so much to catch up on. Let’s get out of here for a few hours so we can talk.”

“Shopping?”

“Shopping!”

They walked out of the office giggling and talking excitedly. Harmony looked up from what she was doing.

“Where are you going?”

“Take my messages Harm, we’re going for lunch and a bit of shopping.”

“Oh.” Harmony looked up, obviously trying hard not to look too hopeful. “Can I come with?”

“… Sorry Harm, but Willow and I haven’t seen each other for years.”

A hurt look flashed across Harmony’s features before she could hide it. She huffed. “Fine. Whatever.”

Buffy was about to leave, but she felt bad for the girl. She gave her a kind smile. “Tell you what. Why don’t we go for drinks tomorrow after work?”

Harmony beamed. “Sure. I could probably help improve your social life.” She looked pointedly at Willow.

Buffy chuckled and shook her head while Willow pulled her along by her sleeve. “This girl’s a work of art, Will.”

“Yep. Not the brightest crayon in the box, but she’s entertaining.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Dawn? Dawnie are you home?”

Buffy dropped her stuff carelessly by the door and went to the kitchen. She looked out the window to see if her sister was outside. It was already dark and Dawn was nowhere to be seen. She went to the fridge in case her sister had left a note for her. As expected, there was a note.

Hey sis,
Met people today when I went out for coffee and they invited me to this club called The Bronze. If you feel like it, you can join me there. If not, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.
Love,
Dawn

Buffy sighed and went to her room to change into something more comfortable. She was physically and emotionally exhausted. She had been hoping Dawn would be home. It would have been a distraction from the thoughts that were bouncing around in her head.

Buffy took off her pink shirt and black leather skirt, letting the garments fall to the floor without a second glance. She then put on white boy’s shorts and a white tank top, pulled her hair back into a loose ponytail and made her way downstairs to the basement.

The blonde girl looked around, suddenly feeling lost and lonely. She usually enjoyed silence, but tonight, she found it oppressive. She went to the stereo system and turned it on, then walked to the bar to get herself a drink. She was gonna keep it simple and grab a beer, but opening the mini fridge, the Margarita mix caught her eye and she changed her mind. She pulled out the ice, the mixer, the tequilla and the salt and busied herself making her drink. It kept her mind occupied for a moment and she welcomed the diversion. Too bad it didn’t last.

Going to the couch, she sat down, her legs tucked under her. Buffy tried to keep her mind blank and just listen to the music without thinking. It worked for a while, but too soon, her mind drifter away to places she didn’t want it to go. Changing tactics, she decided to focus on something positive that wouldn’t lead to heartaches.

Her afternoon with Willow had been great. They had been apart for so many years, but it seemed their friendship had survived. Sure they had changed, but in a way, they were both still the same. Especially Willow. She might look much cooler now, but she was still a big lovable geek inside. Buffy had missed her so much. She remembered crying when Willow had left L.A. to go travel the world with her parents. They had known each other since they were three years old. She could still see little Willow in her mind, with her long red pigtails and her green dress, sitting Indian style in the tree house Buffy’s dad had built for them. They were inseparable.

Buffy chuckled when she remembered how they used to hide in the tree to plot against Cordelia. Back then, Cordy was living down the street from them and was an insufferable little princess who would make their lives miserable. With Xander, they even created the ‘We hate Cordelia’ club. Willow almost choked on her latte this afternoon when she learnt that Cordelia and Buffy were now best friends. When Buffy gave her the final blow by adding that Cord married Xander, Willow spat out her coffee.

Buffy got up to get a refill of Margarita. She took the mixer back with her so she wouldn’t have to get up again. She hadn’t had anything to eat all day except for the ice cream she had at the mall, and was really tired, so the alcohol was already getting to her.

She’d had a great time shopping and talking with Willow. But it wasn’t long before her mind had started wandering again to places she’d rather not go. The kiss. Willow noticed but didn’t insist when Buffy obviously did her best to avoid answering. She just couldn’t talk to her about it. Hell, she couldn’t talk to anyone about it. And it was really killing her.

Damn was it ever killing her!

She slowly let herself slide down on the couch until she was sitting on the floor. She tried to put her empty glass on the coffee table, but her aim was a little off and it fell on the carpet. She giggled drunkenly and taking the mixer’s container, she started drinking directly from it. Who cared, she was alone anyway. She had decided that the best solution to her problem was to drink until she wouldn’t think of Spike’s lips anymore. Or, until she passed out. Unconsciousness sounded very good.

How could she be so attracted to a guy she barely knew? This wasn’t like her at all. She had dated guys for months without ever being able to feel anything for them, and yet, there she was, longing for a man she only met a few times. She wondered what the hell was wrong with her. Why did she have to fall for the only guy she really couldn’t have? And the worst part was that even through her panic this morning when she realized what she‘d done, she had still been dying to kiss him again. Her work was the most important thing in her life, and yet, she had been willing to jeopardize everything for one man.

Her eyelids were starting to get heavy and soon, she drifted off to sleep. That’s how Dawn found her when she got back a few hours later. The young girl shook her head when she saw the state her sister was in.

“Damn it Buffy, what the Hell?” She asked, mostly to herself.

She approached her sleeping sister and crouched next to her. Dawn took away the mixer’s container Buffy was hugging in her sleep, and tried to wake her by shaking her shoulder. Buffy groaned, then finally open one eye.

“Mmmm… What?”

“You know, if you wanted to party, you could have joined me at the club instead of drinking by yourself like a big loser.”

“Mnot a loser. Just pathetic.”

“Don’t you have to work in a few hours?”

“I’m the freakin’ warden... I do what I want.” Buffy said, her speech slightly slurred.

“Oh Buffy,” The younger girl said mockingly. “you are such a great example to me. If someone ever asks me where I got my sense of responsibility, your name will definitely come to mind.”

“Pfff. ‘m waaaay responshible. ’m taking the morning off. I’ll stay late, is all. If someone’s not happy with it, they can tell the warden. Oh, wait… that’s me.” Buffy giggled, proud of her cleverness.

“Whatever you say Buff. Let’s get you to bed.”

She helped Buffy up the stairs, and unceremoniously dropped her on her bed.

“Get some sleep. We’ll go out for breakfast tomorrow morning and then I’ll drive you to work.”

“Just an excuse to get the car.” Buffy mumbled, already half asleep. Then, she was gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Around 10 am, Dawn walked into Buffy’s room, going straight to the window. She pulled the curtains apart, letting the sun light flow into the room. Buffy yelped and hid under her white duvet.

“Good morning sunshine!” Dawn said while noisily shaking a bottle of Tylenols. “Don’t hide, it’s time to rise and shine and welcome a new day.”

She climbed on the bed and hugged the form of her sister through the duvet. A mumble came from under the covers.

“What was that?”

Buffy pulled the covers from her face. “I said, are you overdosing on Prozac or something?”

“Ha ha, funny. I just figured that in the state you must be in right now, I need to be over joyous in order to even get you out of bed. Let’s go. I’ll start the shower, pick out your outfit, then we’ll go out for breakfast. I met the cutest guy last night--can‘t wait to tell you all about it.”

Buffy pulled the covers back up. Not having it, Dawn attempted to pull her from under there by her foot. A quick pillow fight followed, but it didn’t last. Buffy moaned, holding her painful head.

“Stop it! My head… It hurts like a bitch.”

“The shower and Tylenols will help. So stop being stubborn and get out of there. It’s your fault anyway for drinking yourself unconscious.”

“Never again. I promise.”

“Yeah, yeah. Get in the shower and don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

Half an hour later, Buffy was making her way to the car. She was wearing simple black trousers, a gray sleeveless turtleneck and big black sunglasses. Dawn, who was waiting for her leaning on the car, snickered.

“I’m sure no one will notice anything. But don’t take the sunglasses off, cause if your staff sees what your face looks like right now, they’ll run away screaming.”

“Shut up and drive.” Buffy pouted, tossing Dawn the Miata’s keys. She knew her sister’s rule about not getting in a car with her if she was behind the wheel, and she felt too shitty this morning to argue with the brunette.

Dawn drove to the nearest Denny’s in silence. She parked the car and they went inside, finding a boot that was well away from other customers so they could have some privacy. They ordered without even looking at the menu. Breakfast at Denny’s was a tradition for the sisters. Especially when it was time to help with bad cases of hangover.

Dawn fidgeted with her napkin while waiting for the coffees and blueberry pancakes to arrive. She wanted to wait for Buffy to talk first, thinking that she had played ‘annoying Dawn’ enough for the day. Make that for the month. After she got her coffee and took a sip of it, Buffy finally opened her mouth.

“How was your night? Had any fun?”

“It was cool. I liked the place. Too many high school kids though.”

“Weren’t you a high school kid yourself only a few months ago?”

“I’m in College now. I’m a grown up. I don’t hang with kids.”

Buffy snickered. “Sorry, you’re right. You’re the epitome of cool now.”

“Shut up!” Dawn whined playfully.

Buffy finally started relaxing. The headache was getting more bearable. She manage to give Dawn a weak smile. “I’m feeling a bit better. Thanks for getting me out of bed. I really can’t afford to miss an entire day of work. So sorry about the ubber crankiness this morning but yesterday… not such a great day.”

“Did something bad happen at work?”

“No.. Hey, do you know who I’m working with?”

“No. Who?”

“Willow! Do you remember her? We were best friends when we were kid. She left town when she was thirteen.”

“The little red head geek? The one who babysat me that one time and decided that Dante’s Inferno would be a great bedtime story for a five year old?”

“It put you to sleep, didn’t it?”

“Sure did!” Dawn laughed.

“She’s not a geek anymore anyway. She married a rock star.”

“No way! Anyone famous?”

“You know that group that plays a lot these days in L.A.? Dingoes Ate My Baby? He’s the bassist. Oz.”

“Get. OUT! That’s freakin’ awesome! Wow. And what is she doing at the prison?”

“She’s the criminologist.”

“So you guys are gonna be working together a lot then. That’s really great.”

“I know!” Buffy took a bite of her blueberry pancake.

“Who’s Spike?”

Buffy violently choked on her pancake.

Dawn cringed. She had hoped to make Buffy react, but not that much. She was so excited the night before when Buffy had mumbled the name in her sleep. She had put two and two together. First, she found her drunk off her ass, then she said a guy’s name. It was no rocket science. She thought it would be easier to get the story out of her by shocking her. But seeing the reaction, she was starting to feel bad.

Noticing Buffy coughing loudly, the waitress discretely brought her a glass of water.

“Sorry Buff. Didn’t mean to cause a near death experience by saying that name. It’s just that you said ’Spike’ last night after I put you to bed and I wanted to find out who it was. Didn‘t know I‘d almost kill you by doing that.”

“I’m all right.” Buffy said, out of breath. “It’s just the last thing I expected you to ask.”

“Is that why you got drunk last night? Because of that guy?”

“Can we not be talking about this right now?”

“Why?”

“Because I CAN’T talk about this. Not even with you.”

Dawn chose to ignore her and keep asking. “I might tease you a lot, but despite all your issues, you’re still a catch. So why is he not bringing you flowers and bonbons, and taking you out on romantic dates? Is he gay or something?”

Buffy growled menacingly.

“Married? Oh, I know. He’s a dangerous murderer! Or even better, one of your prisoners.”

Buffy turned dangerously white.

“Buffy?..” Dawn’s eyes widened with realization. “You have got to be kidding me. No way! Are you telling me the guy who got you all mushy and pathetic is a prisoner?!”

“Why don’t you publish it in the Sunnydale Post while you’re at it, Dawn.”

“Sorry. But--are you out of your MIND?”

“Yes, yes that’s exactly it.” Buffy answered in a sarcastic tone. “I forgot to take my medication. That’s why I’m pinning over a convict. Thank you ever so much for pointing that out to me. You’re a great help.”

“Ok. I’ll try to calm down and turn off the judgmental part of my brain for a second so I can try to understand this. But first, I have to ask. He didn’t kill anybody, did he?”

“No. He didn’t.”

“All right. That’s good. What is he in for then?”

Buffy blushed and looked away. “Well, technically--huh--Murder.”

It was Dawn’s turn to spit out her coffee.

“But you just said…”

“He didn’t kill anybody, it was someone else… Or at least, I‘m pretty sure he didn‘t.”

This time, her younger sibling laughed openly in her face.

“Buffy, be serious. You’ve been working in prison for ten fucking years, don’t tell me you believe that shit? Prisons are filled with innocents. That’s common knowledge. No matter how hot he is, you can’t be that naïve? He could be just another psychopath that happens to be really charming and convincing.”

“Are you done being a bitch? Can I talk?”

“Talk. I’ll shut up.”

Buffy sighed. “Did it ever happen to you that someone tells you something completely unbelievable, but you look into their eyes and believe them?”

“Yes. If it’s someone I KNOW. Like for example, if you’d tell me: “Dawn, last night, I ran outside around my house butt naked with a hot pink feather boa around my neck.” I’d believe you because I know you… And you’re INSANE.”

“God, my sister is sooo adorable.”

“I know.” Dawn grinned.

“I have met hot prisoners before you know. Hot prisoners who told me they were innocent. Did I believe them? No. Why? Because they were not innocent. But William… There’s just a sincerity in his eyes, a passion… I don’t know how to explain it, but can you for once trust me on this? I’m not being fooled because of my feelings for him. I swear. And yes, despite the fact that I tend to believe him, I‘m still on my guards just in case.”

“Did you say the word ‘feelings‘? You have feelings? You? Buffy Summers?”

“Well…” Buffy started playing with her food, pushing it around her plate, looking embarrassed. “Not feelings feelings. But… Ya know.”

“Do you realize it’s the first time I ever hear you saying you have feelings for a guy? Ever! Wow. This is more serious than I thought. Why does it have to be about a potential murderer?!.. You didn’t act on it, did you?”

The blonde girl looked away guiltily.

“BUFFY!”

“Dawn, you can never repeat this to anybody, understand? Not even your best friend or mom or… anybody! If someone finds out, I’ll lose my job.”

“I know. I wouldn’t tell anyone. What happened?”

“We kinda kissed yesterday. That’s why I was so upset last night. I don’t know how it happened. It just did. We were talking in my office and, next thing you know, there were lips connecting. And tongues. I know it’s hard for you to believe because you never met him, but I don‘t think he‘s bullshitting me to get his way or anything. The attraction goes both ways.”

“Buffy,” Dawn said softly. “the guy is in for murder. And unless someone proves that he is innocent, he’s guilty. He’s there for life. Nothing good can come out of this. Couldn’t you just fall for the guy next door? Everything has to be complicated with you. What kind of a relationship can you have with a guy who’s stuck in jail until he dies?”

“Well… Do you really wanna hear my crazy plan?”

The brunette sighed heavily. “I probably should answer no, but do tell.”

“Keep in mind that it’s not just because I like him. I want to do this because I think it’s unfair for someone to waste their lives in prison when they haven’t done anything.”

Dawn shook her head. “I have a feeling I won’t like what‘s coming.”

“I want to try to find out more about the guy Spike says is the real murderer. If Spike is lying, I’ll find out one way or another. If he’s saying the truth, then I can maybe try to get some kind of proof that he’s not guilty and possibly get him out of jail.”

“Sounds potentially dangerous. And again with the insanity. Buff, it’s just a guy you know…”

“Just a guy?! It’s not just a guy, it’s a human being. I told you it’s not because I like him, it’s because it’s unfair. What if it was you, huh? What if someone killed a friend of yours and made it look like it was you who did it? Wouldn’t you like it if someone cared enough to get you out of jail?”

“I see your point, but it’s still dangerous.”

“I know, Dawnie. But knowing that someone in my prison is innocent goes against everything I believe in. I couldn’t live with myself if I don’t at least try to do something. Of course, it helps that he‘s the most gorgeous guy I‘ve ever seen, he‘s smart, funny, sensitive and turns me into a puddle of goo every time I see him…” She added with a wicked grin.

Dawn took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Despite her disapproving, there was some kind of understanding in her blue eyes when she looked at her sister.

She knew her well. They had lived on their own, just the two of them, the year their mom had been sick. That time alone together had brought them so close that they knew everything there was to know about each other. And Dawn knew that Buffy was the type of person who always, ALWAYS, did the right thing. She often thought that if she ever decided to write a comic book, she’d use Buffy as a model for her superhero. The girl always had someone she wanted to save and when she’d set her mind on something, Dawn knew Buffy would not give up no matter what she said. “Buffy, you know I love you more than anything, right? You and mom are my entire world. When I found out mom had brain cancer and she had to go to that private clinic in Boston, I felt like the world was falling down around us. I was so scared. But I had you. We had each other. We went through some tough times together and you became so important to me. I just don’t want you to get hurt. Physically or emotionally. And now I’m seeing you heading straight for the concrete wall at full speed and it frightens me. My heart wants to think that it’s so romantic and sweet and you‘ll get your happy ending somehow. But my head warns me that it will most likely end with tears and pain. I don‘t want that for you. I just want you to be happy. Promise me you‘ll be careful and you won‘t do anything stupid.”

Buffy had tears in her eyes when she finally looked up at her sister. “Don’t worry about me, Dawnie. I promise you nothing bad will happen. I‘ll be careful.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 10
Journal of a convict

"Stop giving him the evil look of death. Spike would never do something like that. He's like a Jedi. He's a pure soul betrayed by society, a hero wasting away in this unholy place because of a cruel twist of fate."

Jonathan glared at his friend who had a dreamy look on his face, "Yeah? Well, Darth Vader was a Jedi too. Didn't stop him from turning to the dark side of the Force, did it."

Andrew huffed, clearly insulted, "Darth Vader was an idiot."

"Darth Vader was cool, you moron!"

"Never as cool as Spike, you brain dead!!"

"At least, Darth never hit Leia, or any woman!" Jonathan yelled back.

"He did too! Or at least, if he didn't, he got someone to do it for him. Spike didn't hit the warden."

Jonathan pinched him.

"Ouch! You freak!" Andrew slapped the shorter boy upside the head.

"Hey! Quit it!!"

The two bickering boys got silent when Spike walked by, on his way out of the cafeteria with his friend Gunn.

"Spike! Wait up!"

Andrew walked quickly to where Spike was standing, pulling Jonathan along with him.

"Oh bollocks," Spike rolled his eyes and kept walking, "Go away."

"Come on, Spike, wait… Is it true?"

"What?" he asked, still walking.

"Is it true you beat up the warden? Everybody says…"

"I bloody well did not!" Angry, the blonde man stormed off, closely followed by Gunn.

Andrew turned to give Jonathan a smug look, "See? Told you so!"

"Fine. Whatever."

Gunn trotted behind his angry friend, "Spike. Come on man, chill. What's the deal with you anyway?"

Spike stopped abruptly and turned to face the taller man, "What's the deal? What's the DEAL? Let me tell you what the bleeding deal is, mate. Every wanker in the place has been giving me the thumbs up since yesterday afternoon. They all think I beat up Bu… Ms. Summers, a woman who's half my size, and they praise me for it. It sickens me. They think I'm the kind of man who would send a woman flying into a wall. Bloody hell, they think I'm the kind of man who would put a bullet into a woman's heart. When did this happen, Gunn? When did my life get turned so upside down and inside out that people would think me capable of such a thing? When did this happen? That's not me. I'm not like that."

"Hey, don’t sweat it buddy. These guys don’t matter. They don’t know you."

Spike looked away, his inner turmoil written plainly on his face, "Nobody knows me. I'm not even sure I know myself anymore. I can't deal with this, Charles. I--I just can't deal." He started walking away.

"Spike! Where are you going?"

He didn't stop, "Library. I'm late for my shift.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was getting late, and there were only two guys left in the library. Not your typical bookworms, but they were quietly reading their porn magazines, only exchanging a comment once in a while. Spike appreciated the peaceful moment. These were a rare luxury at the prison. He needed the time to organize his thoughts. Quality solitary moments were one of the things he missed the most about freedom. Well, that, and spicy chicken wings. The warden had no idea how happy she made him by assigning him to the library. With most of the prisoners having no interest in books whatsoever, it was usually the quietest place in Sunnydale's prison.

It wasn't the most impressive book collection-mostly donations from Sunnydale's libraries-but to Spike who grew up surrounded by books, it was heaven. Ten or so bookshelves, five tables with ratty old chairs that looked like they had been pulled out of a dumpster, and five study rooms, made up what they called the library. The prison was offering classes to keep the convicts busy, and they used these rooms to work on their assignments.

Spike pulled out a small notebook from the back pocket of his pants. It was a gift from Charles’ sister. That girl was an angel. Spike had no one visiting him, no one bringing him anything. He had been going insane without anything to write on, so she had brought him a leather bound journal and a smaller, matching, notepad.

Spike's only family was his father, Ethan, and he had abandoned his son to his fate completely. The man's only worry when he had found out about his son's troubles was about the consequences on his own reputation. He never even showed up in court to show William some support. There was only one phone call, and it was basically to tell him that he wasn't his son anymore.

Spike sat behind the counter and started scribbling away in his pad. Writing had always been his way of keeping his sanity. It had helped him through the worst moments of his life. Angel and Darla had teased him relentlessly about it, but he didn't give a bloody damn if they thought he was a nancy boy. Well, considering the turn of events, maybe he should have given a damn. He probably shouldn't have let them see that he was a hopeless romantic fool. By doing so, he had only given them the perfect victim for their evil machinations, but that didn't matter anymore now, did it.

He tried to find coherent words to describe what happened the day before, but it seemed like an impossible task. He wasn't even sure if he was writing a story that came right out of his fantasist mind, a poem, his thoughts… It was a little bit of everything.

Buffy's beauty, her strength, the sharpness of her mind. How relieved he had been when he found out she hadn't known about him being locked up in isolation. The fear that coursed through his veins the second he realized he had just kissed her. And most of all, the explosion of emotions he had felt when she kissed him back.

She tasted like a perfect summer day. Ripe strawberries, juicy watermelon, refreshing lemonade. I could almost feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, and the coolness of the freshly cut grass underneath my bare feet. In a matter of seconds, she took me away from here and made me travel half way across the world to a place I never knew existed. I felt the incredible urge to pray and beg whichever God is looking over us, to let me stay there forever. But then reality came crashing back on us and left me broken and with the strong desire to weep.

Spike looked up when one of the guys laughed and made a lewd comment. He pointed something out in the magazine he was reading and the other guy laughed too. Then the quiet settled once more and Spike went back to his writing.

How am I supposed not to want this again? It's like offering a sip of fresh water to a man dying of thirst, then taking the glass away from him. I almost regret she walked into my life. I was getting used to my misery before she came along, almost comfortable with it. But it now seems unbearable to me. Is life done playing games with me? Everything I've ever had has been taken away. Isn't that enough? Why taunt me in such a cruel way as to let me meet the perfect woman at the worst possible time of my life? I barely know her, and yet it feels like I do. And the ironic thing is, she seems to be feeling the same way. But what hurts the most is that she probably regrets that brief moment between us with all her heart right now. She's probably afraid that somehow, the word will get out. I can only hope that she knows in her heart that I wouldn't betray her confidence and that this kiss will remain between us.

"Did I ever tell you how I find that writers are useless members of society that only give people more reasons to waste time with their nose in books?"

"Did I ever tell you how I enjoy scraping midgets' faces against brick walls? I'd be worried if I were you, Snyder, you're pretty damn short."

"You can't get me with threats, Spikey. I've been a high school principal before ending up in jail. I've mastered the art of threats a long time ago."

"And I've mastered the art of putting threats to execution a long time ago. Now be a good troll and bugger off before I get really cross with you and decide to kill you in your sleep."

"Stupid, idiotic, bleached, psycho freak," Snyder mumbled while walking away. "You're a threat to society, Spike, and a waste of perfectly good living space. That's all I have to say about it."

"Yeah, yeah, love you too. Troll."

Spike shook his head, annoyed at the interruption, **Where was I? Oh, yeah…**

…but despite everything, despite how wrong it is and how much it could potentially hurt both of us--God, I can't help but hope that I'll see her again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 11
Sightseeing tour

Her kitten heels clacked rhythmically on the well polished floor as Buffy made her way to the security guards lunchroom. She was well rested, in a good mood after spending the weekend with Dawn, and determined to make the most of her morning. She usually avoided the guards’ lunchroom because of the slight tension between her and her employees, but she wanted to say hello to Giles, and that’s where Harmony said she’d find him.

She composed her best “friendly boss” face, then walked in. Giles was sitting at a table, reading a news paper, while two of the guys where getting coffee from the vending machine. The two guards saw her, then walked out of the room. They brushed past her without as much as a look. They were obviously still not forgiving her for suspending Jake and Devon. Well, if they wanted to blame her for doing her job, too bad. They’d just have to get used to working for a warden who wasn’t corrupt.

Giles looked up from his reading and smiled.

“Looky, I walk in and the place clears up. Am I the most popular girl in the building or what?” she sat in front of him.

“Blubbering idiots they all are. Don’t pay attention.”

Buffy tilted her head to observe Giles, an amused grin forming on her lips. “You look tired Giles. Didn’t sleep well this weekend? Tell me, how was that date with Anya?”

She laughed when he blushed. He took off his glasses, a nervous habit she’d noticed he had.

“It went--rather well, I must say.”

“I still can’t believe you let her chose where you guys were going. I’m impressed, Giles. Knowing the girl, I’d say that was really daring of you. Where did she take you anyway? A strip club?”

He put his glasses back on his nose and tried to look dignified despite what he was about to say. “To a--wrestling show.”

Buffy went hysterical. She laughed so hard that tears were running down her face. She finally managed to calm down. “Please, tell me you’re kidding?”

“Surprisingly, I’m not. But I must say that after two or three lagers, I did enjoy myself. And it turned out that watching sweaty barbarian looking men rolling around on the ring together, puts Anya in a really good mood.”

“Hence the dark circles under your eyes?”

“Precisely.”

Buffy cracked up again, incapable of keeping serious. “Oh God, that’s too good! Well at least one of us is getting some action.”

Giles turned even more red at her comment.

“Yes, well, when you’re done laughing at my expense…” His words were scolding her, but he couldn‘t hold back the happy grin that was lighting up his face.

“Sorry, Giles.“ Buffy took a deep breath. “I‘m calm now, promise.” She got up. “Other than to tease you, there’s actually a reason why I’m here. My friend Cordelia is coming here this afternoon and I’d like to take her for a tour of the place. She’ll be here around 1:30. Could you have an escort ready for us? I‘ll need maybe two guards--no, make it three. Cordelia is kinda hot.”

Giles chuckled. “That’s not a problem, Buffy. I’ll have Faith, Ron and Dave to come with you. Faith is starting her shift at 1pm so I’ll just keep her around until then, and I’ll make sure the other two will be available In time.”

“That’s cool. Faith isn’t too much of a bitch when you get to know her. And Ron and Dave--they’re the nice ones, right?”

“Yes, they are. They like you so I’ll feel better knowing you’re with them. I would go, but I have to train a new guy this afternoon. Perhaps I could call him to reschedule if you‘d prefer.”

“No, don’t worry. That won’t be necessary. We’ll be all right. I’ll call you when my friend gets here.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy was sitting comfortably on her couch with her shoes off, trying to concentrate on a file. She had to attend the parole board in the afternoon to study a case and having nothing else to do until Cordelia got there, she decided to take a look at it. She was starting to get bored when harmony walked in.

“Ms. Chase-Harris is here. Can I bring her in?”

Buffy looked between Cordelia who had already walked in, and Harmony who seemed to be waiting for an answer. “She’s… already in, Harm. But--huh--thanks anyway. That‘d be all.”

“All right then. If you need anything, I’ll be at my desk.”

“That’s--great. I’ll make sure to call you.”

Harmony closed the door, leaving the two girls alone.

“Ok. What’s with the poodle?”

“She made an attempt at curling her hair this morning. I think she didn’t get the result she was hoping for.”

“I wasn’t talking about the hair, I was talking about the IQ. But thanks for answering my next question.”

“Harm is harmless.” They both giggled at how funny that sounded. “You get used to her after a while. She’s actually quite entertaining. If I’m down, or just plain bored, I go and try to have a conversation with her for five minutes. I always come back to my office feeling so much better.”

“You don’t say.” Cordelia laughed. “Speaking of office…”

The brunette gave her surroundings an appreciative look. “Quite posh if I can say so myself. Not crazy about the sky blue of the walls though. I’d suggest a light green. Green goes well with your complexion so you’d look stunning sitting in that big leather chair of yours. Oh, and I have this great painting at home that would look awesome on this wall over there. And…”

“Cordy!” Buffy interrupted her, clearly amused. “My office is your canvas, oh great master of everything pretty and tasteful. Do whatever you want with it.”

“Really? Cause this place has huge potential. I could go nuts in here.”

“Go nuts, have fun.”

“Awesome! I’ll come back maybe next week or the one after if work permits. You won’t recognize the place. You won’t want to leave work anymore. It’s gonna be fabulous. It’s gonna be…”

“Is that Chinese food in your bag?”

Cordelia opened her eyes wide, not sure what Buffy was talking about, then looked down at the bag she was holding. “Oh. Yes. Yes, it’s food. Let’s eat.”

Buffy smiled and shook her head. Her friend was so enthusiastic whenever decoration or fashion was concerned that she could talk about it for hours and lose track of what was going on around her.

They set up the food on the coffee table and sat down to enjoy it. Buffy fought Cordelia for the pineapple chicken and won. She started eating voraciously.

“Oh God, this is soooo good. I was starving.”

Cordelia pouted. “You better leave some of that chicken for me, you ogre, or else your office will stay the way it Is.”

Buffy rolled her eyes and handed her the chicken container then took a bite off a spring roll. “So, how’s my little cutie pie going?”

“I’m doing great.”

“Not you doofus. Camille.”

“Relentlessly asking about you.” Cordelia said with a heavy sigh. She mimicked a high pitched voice, trying to imitate her daughter. “Mooommy? When are we gonna see auntie Buffy? Huh? When? Is auntie Buffy coming to see us? How many nightie nights before we visit auntie Buffy moooommy? I miss her!”

“Awww! Poor Cam. She’s so used to having me over at your place almost everyday, it must be hard for her to understand. I’ll visit soon, I promise. Maybe I could take her with me for the weekend. Give you and Xander some quality alone time.”

“That’d be great. She misses her godmother and I miss Xander.” Cordy frowned lightly. “He works like crazy and is tired all the time. Forget about his husband duties, he’s way too exhausted for that.”

“You mean the cleaning and the cooking?” Buffy asked, innocently.

“Ha, ha, funny. I’m horny as hell. He started last night, and fell asleep on top of me. I should have gone with my first idea and go on top. Do you have any idea how heavy a construction worker can be? Anyway, I had to finish the job myself. Damn, I’m actually looking forward to seeing a couple of rugged, prisoners. Can we stop by the work out area and look at the hot sweaty ones?” She batted her eyelashes at Buffy. “Please?”

Buffy chuckled and shoved a piece of chicken in her mouth. “Whatever you want, Cor. But I’m telling Xander you said that.”

“Don’t you dare!”

They both laughed and finished their lunch, just enjoying each other’s company. Then Buffy called Giles and he sent the guards to Buffy’s office.

There was a knock on the door.

“Come in.”

A tall, tough looking brunette in uniform walked through the door, followed by two other guards.

“Yo boss, how’s it going?”

“I’m cool, Faith. How are you?”

“Bitchin’.” She cracked her knuckles, making Cordelia wince. “Ready to whack some prison boys upside the head if they come anywhere near one of you girls.”

Cordelia gave Buffy a look, but the warden just shrugged. The two other guys chuckled and snorted when they saw the shocked look on Cordy’s face.

“Don’t worry about Faith, ma‘am,” the tallest one said “she’s not dangerous. Well… unless you’re a con an you’re not behaving.”

“Yeah, I can be quite the bitch. A girl’s gotta earn some respect around here if she wants to survive. Let’s get this show on the road, shall we?”

They all left the office. Cordelia elbowed Buffy and whispered in her ear. “What’s the deal with that girl? Does she get testosterone shots or does prison do that to all women who work here for too long? Are you gonna turn like that?”

“That’s just the way Faith is. But I kinda like her. She looks after me and isn’t afraid to stand up for me. I appreciate that. I wasn’t so sure about having a female guard at first, but she really can hold her own. She has quite the reputation and the prisoners respect her.”

“No kidding. They’re probably scared of her.”

Cordelia had never been in a prison so Buffy showed her everything, explaining what was what and introducing her to people. They reached the open space that was the work out area Cordy had been asking about earlier.

“Wanted sweaty men?” Buffy whispered in Cordelia’s ear. “Here they are.”

“I think I specified hot sweaty men.”

“Well, if you’re gonna be difficult…”

Buffy spotted Spike. He was lying on the bench press, shirtless, sweat making his muscular torso look sleek and well defined. Faith noticed him too.

“Damn that’s a fine piece of man. The things I would do to that guy if I had the chance…” The brunette said under her breath.

Buffy turned sharply to look at her, barely controlling the urge to tell her to back off. She managed to give her a tight smile.

“A wise woman once told me ‘don’t ogle prisoners’.” Cordelia gave Buffy a questioning look but the blonde girl merely smiled. “I think that was one great piece of advice that you should follow too.. For your own good I mean.”

“Hey boss, don’t worry, just looking. That job can be a drag sometimes if you don’t have yourself a little look once in a while, don’t you think?”

She winked at Buffy, not noticing how the blonde girl gritted her teeth.

The group started to walk out of the room but Buffy stopped them.

“Wait for me outside, I’ll be right there.”

“Want me to stay with you, B?”

“No, Faith, I’ll only be a second.”

They all walked away, and Buffy made her way to the other end of the room, pretending to have to check on something. She made sure to say a word to two or three guys on the way so it wouldn‘t look too strange when she‘d talk to Spike. When she came back, she stopped by where he was sitting on the bench press. He had been looking at her.

Buffy made sure to keep a neutral expression not to attract any unwanted attention.

“Just so we’re clear…” She said in a voice low enough that nobody else would hear, “I haven’t been avoiding you. I just haven’t found a good reason to justify seeing you yet.”

His lips didn’t smile, but his eyes did. He just nodded, realizing that it would look suspicious if they seemed too friendly. She walked away. She could almost feel his eyes on her as she left the room.

She joined the others who were waiting for her outside.

“All taken care off.” She said with a bright smile. “Let’s go now.”

Cordelia kept giving her sideway glances as they walked, but Buffy ignored her. They passed through security and the two of them went back to Buffy’s office.

“So…” Cordelia started, her voice dragging. “I can see what the fuss was all about.”

Buffy looked up, her eyes full of incomprehension. “Fuss?”

“Bleached blonde, blue eyes, pouty lips, body to die for, smoking hot… staring at you with puppy dog eyes. That’s the guy, right?”

Buffy turned bright red. “No idea what you’re talking about.”

“Liar. I’m sure he was the one you were talking about the other day.”

“Oh. Him? I don’t know. Was he in there? I didn’t notice.”

“Yeah right. If YOU haven’t noticed, just call me Sister Cordelia and spank me. I saw the way you snapped at Faith in there for making that comment.”

“I did not!”

“Sure you did. You’re lucky she probably assumed it’s because you don’t want your employees to have too much fun with the prisoners. Why did you go back in there by the way?”

“Nothing. I just--wanted to check something.”

“Sure you didn’t go back to compliment Adonis on his toned body?”

“You’re such a freak, Cord. We’re not all like you, you know.” Buffy pouted exaggeratedly and silently hoped that Cordelia would let it go.

Cordelia laughed. “Oh come on. Stop blushing like a school girl. Nobody can blame you for drooling over that guy. He made me want to stay in prison for Christ sake. Too bad you can’t have him though. That’s a real shame cause the way he was looking at you…”

“He was probably looking at me the way a prisoner looks at his warden: with contempt and hatred.”

Cordelia just rolled her eyes. “Whatever you say, blondie.” She grabbed her purse and started making her way to the door. “I have a couple of potential clients to meet in town this afternoon, but I’ll meet you at your place later. What time will you be out of here?”

“6ish.”

“I’ll stop by the grocery store and buy stuff we can cook on the grill outside.”

“Sounds like a plan to me. Do you need someone to escort you out?”

“I’ll be fine.” Cordelia said, blowing her a kiss. “See you later.”

Buffy felt almost relieved when her friend left. She had felt so guilty for not telling her the truth about Spike. But Cordelia would have screamed and call her a dumb ass, then she would have spent the next two hours telling her all the reasons why kissing Spike had been a bad idea. And how wanting to see him again was an even worst idea. She didn’t feel like hearing that right now, didn’t want someone to try to convince her that what she was doing was stupid. She knew it was. She just didn’t care so much anymore. She wanted that guy more than she’d ever want anything in her life and the last thing she wanted to do was being reasonable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy got back to her office after her session at the parole board. The parole had been denied, and the guy didn’t take it well. She was exhausted. She was tidying up her desk and getting ready to leave when the door opened and a smirking Spike was roughly pushed inside by Giles.

“What’s going on?” She asked, surprised. Her eyes kept darting between Spike who had a smug look on his face, and Giles who looked pissed beyond the telling of it. “What did he do?”

“You heard the lady, Spike. Why don’t you explain to her what you did?”

“I walked up to Parker and broke his nose. Or at least, it sounded like it broke. Can’t be too sure though.”

Conveniently, someone called Giles on his walkie talkie. The timing couldn’t have been better.

“I’m sorry. I’ll be right back.” He walked out, closing the door behind him.

“What the Hell did you do that for?” Buffy got up and walked around her desk to face Spike. He had instantly dropped the though guy attitude he was putting on for Giles’ benefit and now looked like the man she had kissed a week ago.

He shrugged. “You said you hadn’t been able to come up with a reason to see me yet. So I gave you one.”

Buffy couldn’t help the smile that was tugging at her lips. “And why Parker?”

Spike smiled back at her. “You can never go wrong with Parker. He always deserves a good punch in the nose. I‘m sure he did something bad today. I just don't happen to know exactly what it is.”

Her grin grew wider. “You’re impossible.”

“Yeah. I know.”

They looked into each other’s eyes for a few moments until Buffy finally said “Oh fuck it!” and crossed the few steps that were still separating them.

Their lips met for a passionate kiss. His bound hands automatically came up to cup her face. That was the best he could do with the handcuffs around his wrists.

Buffy was scared of getting caught, but that only made it taste better. There was some desperation behind the act, but also tenderness and all kinds of emotions that couldn’t be described. They tried to take whatever they could from each other in the little time they were allowed. The kiss only lasted a couple of minutes, and it wasn’t enough, but they both knew they had to end it soon. They let their tongues duel for a few moments, both reluctant to stop even though they knew they should. It was too good to give it up, but they finally pulled apart. As soon as they did, they missed the other’s taste but there was nothing they could do about it. Giles would come back soon.

Her forehead still touching his, Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep shaky breath to try to regain her senses.

“Next time, I’ll make sure to tell Giles I need time alone with you to give you a long speech on how to behave correctly in a prison. And I’ll lock the door.”

“Yes. That’d be best. I wish I could have time to just sit with you for a while and find out more about you, pet.”

“Me too. This situation sucks beyond words.”

“I thought…“ He hesitated, looking embarrassed at his own insecurities. “I thought you’d changed your mind and didn’t want to see me again. Decided I wasn’t worth the trouble. I was going crazy. It’s been the longest bloody week of my life.”

“I know. I missed you, but I didn’t know what to do. I spent the week fighting with myself about how wrong this is. And even if I wanted to see you, I just couldn’t find a way. I’ll try being more clever from now on so it doesn’t take as long.”

Spike smirked. “You better. I can’t go around punching people for no reasons all the time.”

Buffy frowned. “You know I’ll have to do something about this now, right? If I just let it slide, people will start asking questions.”

“I know, luv, but it was worth it. Just send me to the hole for a couple of days, I don’t mind one bit. I’ll use the peace and quiet to replay that kiss in my mind. Besides, my cellmate snores so it’ll be good to spend a few nights alone without the little rat.”

Buffy heard someone behind the door and took two quick steps back to put a decent distance between Spike and her.

Giles walked in.

“Sorry about that, Buffy. There was an emergency.”

“Anything I should worry about?”

“No. Nothing like that. It was a false alarm.”

“All right.” Buffy nodded toward Spike. “Take him to the hole for a good two days. He obviously can’t be around people. It might do him some good to be isolated for a while.”

Giles took Spike’s arm and guided him out of the office. Spike turned his head to look at Buffy one last time. She mouthed the word “sorry” and he gave her a quick smile before disappearing into the hallway.

She sighed and hung her head.

“Was that William Rayne I just saw walking out of your office?”

Buffy looked up. Willow was standing in her doorway.

“Hi Will. Yes, it was Spike. Why?”

“Nothing. It’s just that this boy gives me the hardest time whenever we have a session together.”

Buffy looked surprised. “Really? I’ve never had a problem with him. Other prisoners have problems with him, obviously, since he was in my office, but he’s always been really nice and respectful to me.”

She went to sit at her desk and invited Willow to take a seat too.

“I’m not saying he’s mean or rude or anything. But he’s… Difficult.”

“What do you mean?”

Buffy was starting to worry. **What is it? Does he have a split personality or something and I was too naïve and blinded by his hotness to see it?**

“I’m really good at what I do, or at least, I like to think so.” Willow explained. “And yet, I’ve never been able to get a word out of him. He’s the absolute master of answering a question with a question, changing the subject, or distracting me until I forget what question I asked. He won’t say a word about himself, no matter what I try.”

“I don’t know what to say, Will. That just doesn’t sound like the guy I met.”

“I tried something different the other day. I tried having a conversation with him about trivial stuff. He was a completely different person. He sounded very well educated, smart, funny, almost outgoing. Then I asked him something personal, and he shut down like a clam.”

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief. She had been worried for a second that Willow would tell her Spike was a psychopath. But he probably just didn’t want to tell the criminologist about his private life and his past.

“He probably just has a hard time opening up to people, is all.”

“But you said he wasn’t like that with you.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Will. He did tell me a little bit about his past, but that doesn’t mean we have a special connection or anything. He was probably just in a good mood that day…”

The redhead’s face lit up. “Do you think you could sit in with us tomorrow? I have a session with him in the afternoon. It would be great to have a second opinion.”

Buffy thought about it. First, that would get Spike out of the hole for an hour, second, she’d get to see him twice in twenty four hours. And as a bonus, she’d get to know a little more about him.

“Sure.” She answered with her brightest smile. “Not a problem at all. Tell me what time, and I’ll be there.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 12
Couch confessions

The man who walked into Willow’s office was not the man Buffy knew, or thought she knew. He had a smug smile on his face and an arrogant swagger to his step. Despite the handcuffs on his wrists, he walked in like he owned the place. He slouched on the chair in front of the two women, legs spread wide in a defiant manner.

Buffy wasn’t duped by the mask though. She had worn it quite a few times in the past when confronted to a situation she wasn’t sure she could handle, not wanting to show her weakness and vulnerability. It was fairly obvious to her what Spike was doing.

Willow had arranged three chairs on the other side of her desk so they would be facing each other in a more intimate way, instead of having the huge wooden desk separating them. She had been hoping the friendlier settings would prompt Spike to open up to them. It was now painfully clear that her tactic wouldn’t work.

Spike raised a cocky eyebrow at the criminologist, barely sparing Buffy a glance. “Long time no see, pet. I was starting to think you don’t like me very much. Bloody hurt my feelings, it did.”

“Hello William. How are you doing?” Willow asked, ignoring his sarcastic comment.

“Right then,” He said without answering her. “Are we done with the niceties and all that rubbish? Can I go now?”

Spike’s attitude and the hostility he was projecting was bothering Buffy more than she‘d like. He wasn’t acknowledging her, choosing to focus on Willow instead. Willow who was now giving Buffy a look that clearly said: “See what I meant?!”

“No. Not yet.” The redhead answered him. She was trying her best to look professional and in control of the situation, but she was quickly losing the fight under Spike’s intense stare. “I was hoping we could have a talk.”

Spike tilted his head toward Buffy, but his eyes never left Willow. “Ganging up on me now? Why are you so determined to get me to ‘talk’ anyway, Red? You’re making us both waste precious time. I was perfectly happy in my hole, staring at the bleeding wall and day dreaming about nice things.”

“We are not ganging up on you, William…”

“It’s Spike. You know that.”

Willow ignored the comment and kept talking. “Ms. Summers will be sitting in, not participating. And this is not a waste of your time or my time. These evaluations are necessary, and I think talking to someone else about you and your past could help you deal with…”

“Don’t need your bloody help, all right? I’m dealing with my problems on my own. I don’t need someone who doesn’t give a bleedin’ damn about me to pretend to care. So if we’re about done here, ducks, you can have the guards escort me back to isolation.” Spike started getting up from the chair.

“Sit. Down.” Buffy held his eyes for a few stretching moments.

Willow was clutching her clip board, looking somewhat uncomfortable at the sudden tension in the room. Something was happening between the two blondes now engaged in a staring contest. She couldn’t tell what it was, but she was getting the definite feeling that she didn’t belong in the room with them.

You could hear the seconds ticking away on the office’s clock, the only thing breaking the heavy silence.

Spike slowly sat back down, his stormy eyes never leaving Buffy’s.

Not looking away either, Buffy addressed Willow in a tone that didn’t give her any option but to obey. “Willow, could you leave us for a little while. Go grab a cup of coffee or something. Come back in about half an hour.”

Willow merely nodded, and after handing Buffy her little digital voice recorder, she left the room without a word.

Buffy turned the thing off and put it on the desk behind her. Willow would have to live without hearing the conversation that was soon to follow. She pulled her chair up until she was sitting knee to knee with Spike.

She waited a few more seconds before finally speaking. “I don’t understand what the Hell got into you. Why are you acting this way?”

“What? Can you really blame me for refusing to spill my guts in front of someone who gives bugger all about me? Someone who will study my case as if I were some kind of lab rat? I’m sorry if I disappoint, but I usually chose who I want to talk to.”

He was right, she couldn’t blame him. She understood what he meant, and when she spoke again, she wasn’t as angry anymore. “Spike, you didn’t even give her a chance. I know how you feel, but Willow is a nice, caring person. And she’s really good at her job. She could help you, you know.”

Spike laughed, but it was a humorless sound.

“No one can help me, Buffy.”

“Have you so little faith left in people that you can’t believe someone might actually want to help you?”

She couldn’t speak for Willow, but she knew she wanted to help him… More than he’d ever know. But he wasn’t in the mood to hear that right then.

“And have you conveniently forgotten that I’m in here for life? Cause I haven’t.” He said, his voice laced with bitterness. “I was there when the judge sentenced me to prison for life with no chance of parole. Not the sort of thing you forget easily, pet.”

“Spike…”

“So what is Red gonna do exactly that could possibly help me? I’ll tell her ‘I didn’t do it’, she’ll write on her little clip board somewhere between all the doodles she must be doing while pretending to listen: ‘delusional’ or maybe even ‘pathological liar’--then what?.. I’ll tell you what. Nothing. Because there is nothing she can do, or will do for me.”

“You still need to talk to someone, Spike.”

“I don’t see why.” He said stubbornly.

“All the bad things that happened--if you keep it all to yourself, it will drive you mad.”

He looked away. “I know.”

Buffy waited a moment, observing his somber features. He was in a dark place, and she wasn’t sure if she should go there, but she had to.

“Talk to me.” She said softly, her hand on his knee to try to get him to look at her. He finally did.

“Why?” He asked as if everything depended on the right answer to this simple question.

“Because I care.”

He nodded. “Where do you want me to start?”

“I don’t know--why don’t you tell me who the girl was?”

He chuckled. “Right. Let’s cut to the chase then.” He took a deep breath and concentrated on bringing back painful memories he most likely spent months trying not to stir.

“I was in my first year at UCLA when I met Drusilla Blackwell.” He started slowly, saying the name with emotion. “The two of us were from two completely opposite worlds. I was a nerdy freshman studying English literature in hope of some day becoming a writer, and she was the Goth princess of the campus. One of those eternal students attending college only to kill time, and have some fun while doing it. She wasn’t my usual type of girl. I was raised in a wealthy family, surrounded by those high society snob women, who couldn’t care less about me.”

“Is that what attracted you to her? That she was so different?”

“It was a little bit of this, yeah, and so much more. Dru could have charmed the devil if she wanted. Sure, she was a beautiful girl. Thick raven mane, pale skin, piercing eyes. But it wasn’t just that. There was something else about her. Something I can’t describe. And the minute she showed me interest, I was doomed. When Dru wanted something, she’d get it. And it didn’t take long for her to get me. At first, everything was perfect. She was my dark princess, and I was her bloody awful poet.”

Buffy frowned. “She thought you were a bad writer?”

He laughed. “I don’t know. Probably not. But soon after we started dating, I wrote her a poem. Turned out she hated poetry. So she laughed and started calling me her bloody awful poet. Anyway, things turned sour pretty quickly. I was so bloody enthralled by her that I started skipping classes just to be with her. I spent so much money to make her happy, but it was never enough. I ended up spending my tuition money on her and dropping out of college. We had nowhere to stay so we came here to Sunnydale. She said she had mates here and they wouldn’t mind giving us a place to crash for a while. That’s how I had the misfortune to meet Liam ‘Angel’ MacAlister, and his wife Darla.”

Spike stopped talking for a moment, lost in his thoughts. Buffy wanted to know more, but didn’t want to press him. She was eagerly leaning forward on her chair, hands between her knees, giving him her full attention.

“I knew right away that these people were bad news.” He continued. “Even their three year old son, Connor, was evil. I love kids, but after being around that brat, I almost changed my mind. I don’t usually talk like that about people, but Angel was a right bastard, and Darla was a whore. All they cared about was having fun at other people’s expense, never worrying about consequences. That’s what they did with Drusilla and me. I haven’t mentioned this, but Dru had a drug problem. I only found out after I started fancying her. I was so in love with her that I made it my only goal to save her. I knew she was stealing my money to buy that shit, but I believed in her and believed that she was strong and would get over her addiction.”

“Did she?”

Spike shook his head. “She almost did, but as soon as we moved in with Angel and Darla, it got worse. They encouraged her addiction, going as far as buying coke for her and leaving it around the house. They made it almost impossible for her to ever get better. Things got so bad in that house, it killed the passion between Dru and I. But even if I wasn’t in love with her anymore, I still loved her and didn’t want to give up on her. These people were destroying her life. She was sick and she needed me. Abandoning her there would have been like signing her death sentence.”

“But, these people, Angel and Darla, they were destroying your life too, weren’t they?”

“That’s the biggest understatement of the century, pet. They didn’t just destroy my life, they went way beyond that and I let them because I loved her. That’s me. I’m a right fool when it comes to love. But even if I loved her, I still ended up having to chose between me or her. I finally woke up when I was faced with the choice of leaving and saving myself, or staying to help her, and risking my sanity--I was sinking with her. The choice was hard, but I had to make it. Besides, at that point, I had reason to think that she was cheating on me. So I tried breaking it off with her a couple times. Every time though, she’d beg me to stay, and things would get back to the way they were at first. But it would only last a week or two. She’d be affectionate, calling me her sweet William, cuddling with me and promising me the world. Then, things would deteriorate again. That’s when…”

Buffy noticed how emotional Spike suddenly became. She took one of his hands that was resting on his knee and squeezed it gently in a discreet sign of support.

“I--I wanted to confront her that night. I came back early on purpose. I wanted to catch her in the act so there wouldn’t be anymore doubts in my mind. I was tired of deluding myself. When I noticed Angel’s car in the driveway, I figured I had missed my chance to catch her cheating because there was no way she’d shag that tosser. But as soon as I walked into the house, I knew I was wrong. The thing is, it wasn’t Angel I saw her with, but Darla. They were on the bed, naked.”

“You mean--Drusilla and Darla were…”

“Yep. They were. And Dru looked like she was enjoying herself too. She was all sprawled out on the bed with Darla‘s hand between her legs. I don‘t even think she saw me there. Unfortunately for me, I was so surprised at the sight that I think I zoned out for a few moments. That’s when…”

He took a deep breath and for a moment, Buffy thought he wouldn’t continue his story. His hand was shaking badly in hers.

“That’s when my world went to Hell. Literally. I was so shocked by the display, that I didn’t notice Angel standing right next to me. He was wearing surgeon‘s gloves and nothing else, and he was holding the gun Darla had bought for Dru. She had begged her to buy it so she could defend herself against the bad guys a few months before, when she was in one of her paranoiac phase. I had been against the idea, and I guess I was right to be after all. Before I could do anything to stop it--Angel shot her.”

Silent tears were now streaming down Spike’s face as he relived the horrible memories. Buffy didn’t realize it, but she was crying too.

“It took me a few seconds to understand what had just happened. But it was too late. Darla was laughing, there was blood everywhere, and Angel had used the moment of shock to put the gun in my hand. I dropped it to the floor and left the room. I don’t remember much after that. I think I went outside. I remember throwing up, but it’s foggy. I didn’t even try to run away. I just sat on the front porch, trying to understand what had just happened. That’s where the cops found me. Time flew by after that. Everything worked against me in court so it didn’t take very long for the verdict. They had eye witnesses, my hand prints on the gun, and the motive. Darla sat at the witness-box, crying hysterically and pointing a shaky finger in my direction with all the day time TV drama she could put in the act. Next thing I knew, a judge was telling me in technical words that life was over for me. The very worst moment of my life, is when I heard the word ‘guilty’ resonating in that court room. I’ll never forget. Never.”

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Willow opened to door, and froze. In front of her was Spike, his head on his knees, obviously crying. Buffy was kneeling in front of him, running her hand through his hair, the way a mother comfort a child. She gaped at the scene, incapable of tearing her eyes away.

Finally, feeling like she was intruding, she quietly walked out and closed the door behind her.

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