Chapter 6:

Chapter 7:

Robin Wood walked slowly and stiffly back to his room. He fumbled for his keys with one hand, pressing gently over his week-old stab wound with the other. He shouldn’t have gone out patrolling so soon. He was an educated man and, rationally, he knew that he could have done serious damage to himself. But that damn woman was turning him into a macho idiot.

He still hadn’t convinced her to come with him. Her latest excuse was that Cleveland wouldn’t have anything new to offer her since she’d already been to prison. Maybe it would be better if he and Faith went their separate ways. The throbbing pain in his lower right side was almost a warning that Faith would eventually be the death of him. Robin wasn’t quite sure he cared.

He entered his room, threw his keys on the night stand and turned on the light. Carefully, he removed his shirt so that he could examine his bandages in the mirror. The stitches hadn’t pulled. That was a good thing. He let out a little sigh of relief. Then, he noticed something odd in the reflection of the room. There was something on his bed that wasn’t there when he left. He turned slowly, hoping that whatever it was didn’t need to be slayed in any way, because he wasn’t quite up to it.

When he finally recognized what it was, it took a minute for him to understand it. Finally, he sat down in one of the guest chairs and hung his head. There, draped over the edge of Robin’s bed, was a black leather duster.

***
There was a soft knock at the door. Spike was just finishing up in the shower and quickly wrapped a towel around himself.

“Come in.”

Buffy poked her head into the room. “You decent?”

“Never,” he smiled.

Buffy laughed softly and stepped into the room, closing the door behind her. “Don’t know why I even asked,” she quipped.

Spike laughed a bit and then the room fell silent again.

They were both strangely nervous and ill at ease with each other all of a sudden. The initial dizzy joy of seeing each other again started to dissolve into a kind of insecurity about what would happen next.

Spike felt silly just standing there, so he took another towel and started to dry his hair. “Everyone tucked in for the night, then?”

“Yeah... yeah. So, do you like your room?”

Spike’s eyes fell on Buffy’s busy hands. She always played with her hands when she was anxious. “It’s everything I’ve ever dreamed it could be,” he snarked, “and so much more.”

Buffy laughed a little. “Good. That’s good.”

“What is it, love?”

Buffy seemed startled. “What is what?”

“You’re fidgeting. And you’re saying everything twice.”

“I’m not!” Buffy looked down at herself and saw that she was twisting her fingers around each other. She yanked her hands apart and forced them into her pockets. “I’m not.” She stopped again, realizing she had just said that for the second time, and exhaled her frustration, “I’m just... full of nervous energy or something.”

“Big day,” he said, quietly.

“One of the biggest in... at least a week.” she replied.

“Right,” Spike laughed.

She laughed too, but then the room fell silent yet again. Spike suddenly felt a little too naked. He went over to the bed and picked up the clothes he had been wearing earlier. “Gonna have to go shopping, tomorrow,” he said, and pulled the shirt over his head.

“We all had to do it. The shopping thing. It’s kind of fun at first... but then you start remembering all the things that got left behind and it gets kinda sad.”

He stopped and looked into her eyes. There was double meaning there, but he didn’t know how to respond. He pulled his pants up under his towel and fastened them.

Buffy looked away, politely, as he did so. “You know, I’m sure I can find you something to sleep in. I mean... being human now, you might be uncomfortable and you might not be able to sleep. It’s... bad when you can’t sleep,” she added, softly.

A second later, Spike was standing next to her. “Buffy? What’s wrong?” He put a tentative hand on her back. “Why can’t you sleep?”

She suddenly turned into him and slipped her arms around his middle, resting her head on his chest. This was unexpected, but lovely. He put his arms around her and held her head gently to him.

She closed her eyes and sighed as she listened to his beating heart. “I guess I...” she began, then stopped. “...it’s stupid.”

“Tell me anyway. I promise I’ll hardly mock you at all,” he teased.

She listened to the rumble in his chest as he spoke and it made her giddy and relaxed. “Gee, thanks.”

“Come on, Slayer, it’s me. Just say it.”

After a moment, she began again, “Remember... right before... the couple of nights before...”

“Before? You mean before the battle of Sunnydale?”

“Right,” she breathed shakily, “Before the battle. Those last few nights, do you remember? With the sleeping?”

Spike’s heart started to beat a little faster. In a million years, he never would have guessed that was what was on Buffy’s mind. “I remember.”

“Well, I know it was only a few nights. But... I think I might have gotten too used to... because ever since then I can’t sleep. Sometimes...” She pulled away and looked into his eyes, “Sometimes I imagine that you’re with me and you’re holding me. And those are the only times I can ever get any rest.”

Spike was astonished. He put a hand to her cheek. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying if you don’t ask me to stay here with you tonight I’m going to punch you.” She laughed, very nervously, and waited.

God how he wished it was enough, but things were different now. Without his demon, things were even more clear than when he was a weepy vampire with a soul. He couldn’t go back to the way things were. As much as he ached to spend another night with her in his arms, he had to say no, until he could be sure she really wanted to be there... forever. “Buffy, I...” He trailed off, couldn’t think of how to continue.

She stepped away from him. “You know what? It’s okay. I totally understand. You just got back, and...” She was making her way to the door. “...I know what that’s like. You’re overwhelmed. You have your whole life ahead of you. So many... decisions.” She was breaking up, tears were starting to fall.

Spike couldn’t stand to see her in pain. It didn’t matter if he got his heart broken again. Only she mattered. Nothing much had changed in that area. He got to her with two big steps and stood in front of the door. “Don’t go.”

“No... really. It’s okay,” she said, barely able to speak through crying, “I’m a grown up woman who should be able to sleep alone by now. Just because you’re back doesn’t mean... I don’t want to use you again.”

His heart sank. “Is that what you’d be doing?”

She looked up into his pain filled eyes and answered honestly, “I don’t know.”

He didn’t move, couldn’t move, as she slipped quietly around him and left the room.

***
Angel stumbled into his dark office at Wolfram and Hart after an hour or two of drinking alone in a bar down the street. He’d gotten hit on four times, by three women and one man. By the time the last woman came around, he was so apathetic that he almost went home with her. Why the hell not? What was he, saving himself? He certainly wasn’t going to find perfect happiness tonight, so why shouldn’t he indulge? He got as far as the street corner with her and stopped. He apologized and told her it was a bad idea, that he would just be using her. She grinned wickedly at him and told him she didn’t mind. That’s when Angel realized she was a vampire. He staked her, matter-of-factly, and decided that if he couldn’t tell vamps from humans anymore, it was time to stop drinking.

He could see his way around the office perfectly well in the dark, but that didn’t stop him from tripping on his own feet and knocking over a priceless antique sitting on a pedestal by the door. Good, he thought. He felt like destroying more priceless things. He felt it was his right, for what had been done to him. Take that, Powers that Be! You took my son! You took my love! You took away my promise of humanity! So I’m taking... my expensive office decor... away from YOU. Yeah, that’ll show ‘em.

Or... not.

With impotent rage, he slammed the door behind him and trudged over to his desk, falling into the squeaky chair and putting his feet up.

“You seem down, Boss.”

Startled, Angel tried to sit up but ended up falling out of his chair. He quickly got to his feet and looked toward the direction of the familiar voice.

“Lilah?”

Lilah snapped on the light next to the chair she was sitting in. “Need a shoulder to cry on?” she said, mockingly.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“I’m always here,” Lilah said, not without a bit of sadness. “I’m dead, remember? Enslaved to this place for all eternity...”

Angel sat down again. “I didn’t realize you couldn’t leave.”

Lilah looked a little sheepish, “Well... I can... but by the time I got back they had sublet my apartment.”

“So you live here?”

She shrugged. There was no snappy comeback. She was embarrassed. After a minute, she feebly defended her digs, “You know this place isn’t so bad. There’s a pool on the roof and a gym. A kitchen downstairs... all the comforts of home. You know, if your home... sucks.”

Angel caught himself almost feeling sorry for her and shook it off. “Well, you should have told me. I have a hotel, remember?”

“Oh, right. That’s what you need, another wildly diverse personality moving into that place. Just throw in a bellhop with a little mustache and you’ve got yourself a zany, door-slamming farce.”

“Okay, so that’s a no. How about telling me what you’re doing in my office.”

“Could ask the same of you.”

“It’s my office, I don’t have to have a reason. Your turn.”

“I needed a change of scenery.”

“You were sitting in the dark.”

”What are you a detective?!” Lilah yelled, losing her cool composure.

Angel just gave her a look.

She stood up, tugging at her suit and feeling stupid. “Oh, right, I guess you are.” She walked to the window and looked out at the city. “I don’t know. Sometimes I just gravitate toward this office. It’s got the best view.”

“You like to pretend it’s yours, don’t you?”

“Yeah, little bit,” she looked at him and nodded. He gave her kind of a half smile in return. She was quiet for a minute, looking at her shoes, deciding whether or not to bring up the touchy subject... but what the hell, “So... I take it Buffy *wasn’t* pissed that her really hot boyfriend was returned to her better than new.”

Angel was quiet for a long time, then, “You think he’s hot?”

Lilah smiled to herself. She walked over to his desk and hopped up on it, facing him. “Oh, yeah. But that’s my type, you know. The bad boy.”

“But he isn’t! That’s what drives me crazy!” Angel sat up, hollering. “He’s a big weenie, he always has been!”

Lilah gave him a look.

“Well,” he said, quieting down, “relatively speaking.”

“He was no Angelus, that’s for sure,” she said, rather pointedly.

“You know what, Lilah, I’d really like to be alone.”

“Would you?”

Their eyes met and understanding passed between them.

“That’s not what I meant,” he muttered. “I meant tonight.”

“I know what you meant,” she said softly, leaning in toward him, a little too close. “But, you came out looking for something tonight. Maybe I can help you find it.”

Angel backed up in his chair. “What is this? Are you hitting on me?”

She threw up her hands in exasperation. “Way to ruin the moment! God, you’re worse than an ape!” She hopped off the desk.

Angel stood up and got as far away from her as he could. “What the hell, Lilah? What about Wesley?”

“Oh yeah, I’d hate to do anything to ruin that perfect relationship we have.” She folded her arms and started toward him. For the first time in a long time, Angel was scared. “In case you haven’t noticed, Angel, Wesley doesn’t want me. And, I hate to be the one to say it, but it’s perfectly clear that Buffy doesn’t want you.”

Angel winced a bit.

“And poor Cordelia... well... she’s a veg.”

That was enough. Angel stormed over to her and pushed her against the glass by her throat.

She giggled a little, but there was fear in her eyes. “Ooh, baby. I’m glad you remember how I like it.”

Angel felt himself fighting to keep his demon down. His demon, and... other things. This was not the first time Lilah had been able to bring these feelings out in him. He didn’t know if he wanted to kill her or throw her on the desk and tear her clothes off. When you couldn’t decide between the two, it was always a bad thing.

She grinned at him, reading his mind.

“Kiss me, or kill me, Boss. But I’ll tell you one thing--” He stopped her mouth with a burning kiss. She thought, for a moment, that he would push her right through the window with the force of it and they would both fall to their non-deaths on the street below. He let her put her arms around him and she grasped at the back of his neck, trying to hold herself up on her weakening knees.

She never expected that this would be how she’d be spending her evening, but she certainly wasn’t complaining.

Suddenly and jarringly, he broke the kiss. Without even stopping to look at her, he spun around and stormed out of the office, leaving her alone, sagging against the glass and panting.

“I’ll just catch up with you later, then,” she muttered, before sliding down the glass, making loud, streaking noises as she did so.

***
 

Chapter 8:

Buffy sat alone in the large, restaurant style kitchen, pushing at the ice cream in the little container sitting in front of her. She wasn’t hungry anymore. She didn’t know what she was feeling, but she knew she was damn tired of feeling it.

All she wanted to do was go up to Spike’s room, crawl into bed with him and forget about everything for a while. But things were different now. Spike was human, and had a future. A real future. She didn’t want to mess things up for him by starting in with the same old tortured crap. He deserved better.

She heard Spike telling Dawn, earlier that night, that he wasn’t going anywhere. Buffy hoped it was true. No matter what happened between them, the thought of Spike being gone from their lives again just terrified her. But what did that mean? Was she just being selfish again? She told him once that she wasn’t ready for him not to be around, and at that pitifully ungrateful request he decided to stay.

But Spike had a right to live his own life, without her, now more than ever. He came back from the dead not knowing if he would ever see her again, so the old *everything for the girl* Spike must really have checked out with the demon inside of him. She had to admit to herself, that’s what worried her the most. Could he still love her as much, without his demon, the part of him that was drawn to her darkness? Her rational mind told her that was nonsense. She saw the look in his eyes tonight, before she left his room. His heart was breaking. So why did she feel so unsure?

She pushed at the melting ice cream some more. This was a bad idea. The kitchen was too quiet and it was way too easy to hear herself think.

Irony stepped in, as it always does, and she suddenly heard the service elevator doors slide open, then close with a clacking sound. She heard footsteps getting closer and knew who they belonged to. No one else would be up this late.

“What are you doing up?”

“Hello to you too, Angel.”

Angel couldn’t meet her eyes. “Sorry, I... I didn’t know anyone would be down here. I... need to...”

He opened the fridge and took out a container of blood.

Buffy remembered that Angel usually fed alone. He was always squeamish about doing so in front of people, especially her.

“You know, I’ve seen you drink blood before. Some of it was even mine.” She said this in a light tone, but he didn’t seem to think it was funny. “Sorry... I’ll just get out of your hair.”

She hopped off the stool, put her ice cream back in the freezer and was about to leave when he called after her.

“Why aren’t you with him?”

She stopped and turned around. “I’m not sure.”

Angel popped the container of blood into the microwave and set the timer. “Trouble in paradise already? That didn’t take long.”

Buffy was shocked by his attempt to hurt her. It quickly dissolved into anger, “Angel, when are you going to stop acting like I dumped you for Spike?”

“Isn’t that what you did?” he muttered, hating himself even as the words left his mouth.

“Dumped what? The idea of you? The ghost of Angel past and future?” Buffy wasn’t planning on having this conversation with him tonight, she was still a little too angry from his big, dramatic exit earlier and she was likely to say things she’d regret later. But she just couldn’t stop herself. “In case you missed a few chapters, you were out of my life for a long time. By your own choice. You dumped ME and left me all alone because we couldn’t be together without you turning into a monster.”

The microwave beeped but Angel didn’t move. He was frozen in place as her words cut into him.

“I’m sorry if I didn’t pick up your subtle signals that I wasn’t supposed to move on,” Buffy continued. “I didn’t quite get that crying and pining over you was just another part of my sacred duty as a slayer... and that I had to remain unhappy and unfulfilled because some day you might be back to collect me if you ever got through perfecting your tortured act.”

“Oh, isn’t that cute,” Angel said in low, angry tones, “Now you’re even starting to sound like Spike.” He paused. This was a bad idea. They were both angry and confused. His reaction was to try and hurt her back, because she’d hurt him so badly, but one of them had to be the adult in this. “Look. I’m sorry. Can we slow down a minute?”

Buffy just shrugged and stood there, waiting. Angel figured it was as good as he was going to get.

“Buffy, you know all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy. That’s why I left. You don’t know how much I wish things could have gone differently, but it’s always been completely out of my control.”

“Maybe... or maybe it was exactly the way you wanted it.”

“What does that mean?”

She was quiet for a moment, not really sure if she wanted to go further. Too late now. She took a deep breath. “Angel, if I came to you tonight and said that I changed my mind... that Giles and Wesley found a way to reverse things so that I could give you the Shanshu instead of Spike... would you accept it?”

Angel couldn’t respond. Was that the case? Is that why she wasn’t with Spike right now? He wanted his mouth to form the word “yes” but it wouldn’t come.

“Buffy... what do you... are you...”

“Just answer me, Angel. Yes or no.”

It took everything in him. Finally, he answered, “Yes. Of course, yes.”

Buffy’s face was cold and blank, but as she moved closer to him, he saw that she had tears in her eyes. She got so close that Angel backed off slightly, unreasonably worried that she would be able to smell Lilah on him.

She looked up into his eyes and with a wavering voice, she said, “You’re a liar.”

Angel was stunned. It was a slap in the face. “Buffy... what are you talking about?”

Her voice was shaky, but her tone was firm, “Don’t tell me that you would give it all up to be human for me... because I know it’s a lie.”

Angel could sense her anger and tried as hard as he could to tread softly. “Okay. You’re gonna have to help me out here, because I’m lost. I really wish I knew what you were talking about... but I don’t.”

She backed off a bit, crossed her arms over her chest and cast her eyes to the floor. When she spoke, it was nothing more than a whisper. “When I came back... when Willow brought me back, two years ago... I came through with all my memories still intact... and one memory that was brand new.” She forced herself to look up at him. “Do you know which memory I’m talking about?”

Angel thought for a minute, his mind reeling. A new memory? That he knew about? It didn’t make any sense. He hadn’t even seen her-- Suddenly, he knew... and wished he didn’t. “Are you talking about the time you came here, to Los Angeles.... and...”

Buffy went on, eyes cast down again, “Tara... she told me that when I came back, I was still me, but something got mixed up. I was put back together a little differently or something and I guess that’s how the memory got through. I thought it was just a dream I’d had in Heaven at first, but then you called and it all came rushing back. I knew it was real, and I knew I wasn’t supposed to remember. Which is probably why I was acting kinda weird when we met a few days after I came back.”

Angel was dumfounded. He thought he would spend an eternity being the only one who remembered that day. For twenty-four hours he was human. He and Buffy spent most of that time in bed together, laughing, eating, making love, making plans... It was amazing. It was perfect. But it couldn’t last. “I didn’t realize...”

“Whatever... was done... to make me forget, it worked like a charm. I didn’t remember it then, not at all. All I knew was that I came to talk to you, to try to get you to open up a little... and I got nothing but a blank stare for my troubles. As usual, you had shut me out.”

Angel found his voice again. “First of all, you didn’t come to talk, you came to yell. And it was a little hard for me to be the smiling host and invite you to tea after all that had happened.”

Buffy opened her mouth to speak, stopped herself and then decided to say it. “You mean after you gave up our future happiness, without even consulting me, so you could go be Supervamp again?”

He was losing patience very quickly. His instincts told him to grab her, shake her, throttle her if he had to, just to get her to stop saying these hateful things to him. It took him a minute to get himself under control. Then, quietly, he said, “If you really do remember that day, you remember that I told you what I was going to do.”

Buffy couldn’t believe that *this* was his argument. “You told me literally one minute before it happened. ‘Hey, honey, remember the perfect night we just spent together? Yeah, that’s never gonna happen again, but don’t worry, you won’t remember anyway. You now have one minute before we self destruct.’”

“You said you understood.”

“I was lying!” she cried, causing an echo in the large, empty kitchen. “I had no choice, you had already made the decision without me! It’s always YOUR CHOICE! Every decision that was made about us was made by you! And for the longest time I thought it was because you knew what was best. You were older... wiser... and it was for my own good and blah, blah, blah. And now I’m starting to realize that all of it was just an excuse to hide the fact that you just don’t love me enough.”

Angel closed in on her, frowning darkly. His voice was almost a growl. “I have never loved anything in my life the way I love you.”

She looked up into his dark eyes with total confidence. “And it’s still not enough. So what does that say about us?”

This stopped him. He looked away, confused. Buffy felt bad for him. She hated saying these things as much as he hated hearing them.

She put a hand on his arm and spoke kindly. “I’m the perfect girl for you, Angel... as long as you can’t have me.”

Angel understood this a little too well. He protested, feebly, “No, Buffy. That’s not true.”

“It is.” It was so clear in her mind now. “You don’t want to be the Slayer’s dopey human boyfriend, who sits on the sidelines and watches her fight. You like who you’ve become! You like the darkness and the creature of the night thing. You enjoy being the hero. And the best kind of hero... is the tortured kind.”

“You’re being really unfair.”

“And you’re lying to yourself. All this talk about forbidden love and how we can never be together and it’s tearing us up... it’s a good story for the Watcher Diaries, but as real life goes, it’s pretty pathetic.”

Angel loomed over her, angry and shocked by her biting words. He didn’t know how to respond. It almost looked as if he might hit her.

“If you want to hit me, just hit me, Angel. It’ll be the first honest thing you’ve done in a long time.”

He glared at her another moment, then walked away, putting some distance between them. “I don’t need this, Buffy. Not from you. I don’t deserve it.”

Buffy was on a roll and she wasn’t about to back down now. “Why? Because you’re being so noble? You’re allowing Spike to enjoy his reward that he rightfully earned and may even deserve MORE than you?”

Angel laughed, humorlessly. “How did you get THERE?”

“Spike went looking for his soul,” she said simply.

“Yeah, for selfish reasons,” he argued, “He only did it for you.” After he said it, Angel realized the stupidity of that statement.

“People keep saying that, but somehow I’m not seeing the part where that’s a bad thing. Sorry.” Angel had no response, so she continued. “Look, Spike hurt me. He hurt me very badly, once. I hurt him too. We hurt each other. It was a great big old festival of pain. But Spike didn’t leave me. Even when leaving really would have been for my own good, he stuck around.” She smiled, remembering. “He was always saying and doing the absolute wrong thing... and he took beating after beating for it. But he NEVER gave up. He kept on trying... until he got it right. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t a storybook, but I wouldn’t change a second of it. Because now I know how much he loves me.”

“Buffy, you know I love you.” Off her look, Angel threw his hands up in exasperation. “If you want me to prove it... I’ll prove it. Find a spell! Reverse it all... give me the humanity! I’ll do anything you want me to. I’ll turn my back on everything I’ve built here in Los Angeles so I can sit on your sofa and watch tv with you. Okay? Is that what you want?”

Buffy was quiet for a while. She thought of a hundred flippant answers for that little tirade of his, but after serious thought, it had to be the truth. “I wanted you...” she said calmly, “...to fight for me. When it mattered.”

And there it was. It all came down to that. Angel didn’t want to ask the next question. “So you’re saying it doesn’t matter now?”

Tears began to fall from Buffy’s wide, hazel eyes. A tiny part of her heart was breaking for Angel, but the rest of it soared, because she finally knew what she wanted... and who. “What I’m saying, Angel, is that I love him.”

Somewhere between the lobby floor and the kitchen level, Andrew had managed to trap himself in the dumbwaiter. He thought he’d go for a ride and fetch himself a midnight snack. When he heard voices in the kitchen, he tried to pull himself back up. Instead, he got stuck. With nothing else to do, he was forced to listen to every juicy minute of Angel and Buffy’s conversation. It was almost impossible to keep from oohing and ahhing at every word uttered. Especially that last part. But he didn’t want to break it up. It was important that these issues were out on the table. He was just a fly on the wall. Or... IN the wall... to be more accurate.

After a heavily silent moment, he heard Buffy speak again. Her words were muffled but Andrew understood them, perfectly.

“I’m in love with Spike,” she declared, with a smile in her voice, as if she was realizing it for the first time.

At this, Andrew smiled and nodded. “Awesome.”

***
TBC

 

Chapter 9:

Chapter 10:

There was an awful lot of chattering going on downstairs, which oddly turned to silence when Buffy got to the mid-landing of the lobby staircase. She paused there, watching her friends pretend they weren’t just gossiping at an alarming speed, and a suspicious smile formed on her lips.

“Hey, Buffy!” perked Willow, as if she’d just noticed Buffy standing there. “You’re finally up!”

“Yeah, I kinda had a late night.” Buffy yawned, and failed to notice the pointed looks going on right under her nose.

Andrew was the reason for it all. When Xander fished him out of the dumbwaiter that morning, Andrew couldn’t wait to do two things... tell everyone what Buffy had said to Angel, and urinate. In that order.

Xander took the news better than even he expected. He supposed there wasn’t really a reason to hate Spike anymore. And even if there was, what Buffy did with her love life was none of his business. Losing Anya and other recent developments had given him more of a perspective on the complicated nature of love.

Willow was glad that Buffy finally admitted her feelings for Spike, but wished she could have been there to witness Angel finally getting a well-deserved earful. Willow cared for Angel, but sometimes that guy could just be a great big lunk head.

Oz was given the cliffs notes on the Buffy and Spike saga and couldn’t be more confused on the matter. He decided to be happy that Willow was happy and reserve his judgement on the relationship until more information could be gathered.

Dawn... well, Dawn was so excited, Xander had to all but muzzle her at breakfast that morning.

Spike had clearly enjoyed their stroll to IHOP in the morning sun, but at the same time he looked a little lost and sad. He made a few jokes and was, for the most part, his usual cocky self, but he kept thanking them for inviting him along. Dawn couldn’t stand it. Her heart was about to burst. During breakfast, she totally inconspicuously mentioned that Buffy might want to talk to Spike later that day.

For that, Xander pinched her leg under the table, making her jump. Spike gave them a suspicious look that strangely made Dawn blush. Did he think she and Xander were being sexy under the table? Ew! Well, not ew, but it was Xander! People weren’t supposed to think sexiness was going on between her and Xander. He was all old... and too... muscle-y. And his hair--”

“Dawn?”

Buffy was waving a hand in front Dawn’s face, blocking her sister’s view of Xander.

“What?”

“Where’d you go?”

“When?”

Buffy just smiled and shook her head.

“Oh... nowhere.” Dawn felt the blush coming on again. “I just zoned out.”

Xander wasn’t even paying attention; he was looking at something on his shoe. So, that was good.

“Nice of you to join the living,” Dawn overcompensated.

“Okay, so I slept in!” Buffy pushed her sister, playfully. “It’s not like I’m sleeping till sunset like some people who shall remain nameless because we mustn’t speak ill of the undead.” It was just a good-natured little jab. She and Angel had actually left things in a slightly uneasy yet friendly place last night.

After some awkward silence following her admission, Angel claimed to know about her feelings for Spike. He mentioned something about their meeting back in Sunnydale and how it felt like she really had moved on. Then, he proceeded to tease her about Spike. He said he didn’t want to be invited to the white wedding and that her babies would have ridiculous yellow hair and surly cockney accents. She let him have his silly say. Buffy knew he was hurting a lot more than he let on, but that was Angel’s M.O. and there was nothing she could do about it. She had bigger, or actually slightly smaller, fish to fry.

“Anyone know if Spike is up yet?” Buffy asked, trying hard for a breezy tone of voice.

***

Spike sat in one of the courtyard benches, not ready to come in out of the sun just yet. When Buffy saw him her heart surged. He looked amazing. She’d seen Spike in the daylight before, but she kind of hated him at the time and he kind of wanted to kill her, so it wasn’t exactly a memory you keep close to your heart. This moment, however, was one she would never forget.

“Hey, look at you,” she said softly, covering up the emotion,“You’re all sun-dapled. You could be in a commercial for fabric softener.”

He looked up, a bit startled at first, then smiled. His heart began thrumming out what he now thought of as the Buffy Beat. “Hi,” was the only thing he could think to say.

“Whatcha doin’ out here all by yourself?”

“Saying goodbye.”

“Goodbye?”

Spike lifted his hand to show that he was holding a cigarette. “Goodbye to these things. According to Dawn, they’re very bad for you.”

“Well,” Buffy breathed a sigh of relief, “she’s up on all the latest information, so I’d believe her if I were you.”

Spike smiled and took one last drag off of his cigarette, then flicked it to the dirt. “She’s fairly current on the latest fashion trends, as well.”

“Ah, that explains the outfit.” Buffy grinned. Spike was wearing a blue button down shirt that perfectly matched his eyes, and a pair of dark blue jeans. Yum.

“You don’t really think I picked this out for myself, do you? I look like the cookie monster.” He stood up from the bench and suddenly they were very close.

Buffy looked up into his eyes and smiled at herself for what she was about to say. “Well, then I’ll give you a cookie.”

Spike wasn’t sure what to make of that. He smiled, but he was a little uncomfortable with their proximity and the fact that she seemed to be in on some joke he wasn’t aware of. “So... did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, really well,” Buffy blurted, not really thinking.

“Oh, well... good. See there, you didn’t need me after all.”

Spike moved away slightly, trying for a casual tone. Buffy absolutely adored this side of him. She loved him when he was dark and dangerous, she loved him when he was a sexy smart ass, but she loved him most of all when he was like this... bashful, insecure and tentative. It’s not that she enjoyed seeing him in pain, and back when she was all confused she hated seeing him this way because it made her feel like the bad guy. But now... everything was different.

“I only slept well because I was exhausted. I was up pretty late last night.”

“What, patrolling? Don’t you have flunkies to do that for you now?”

“Hey,just because I’m not the only slayer in town doesn’t mean I’m gonna slack off and let everyone else have all the fun.”

Spike gave her a little, knowing grin.

“I mean...” Buffy sneered at his gleefulness, “... do all the work.” She crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. Why couldn’t she ever get anything by him? It was annoying. And, dammit, slightly conforting. “I was up late... talking to Angel.”

“Oh,” Spike turned away. After a long pause, he said, “Makes sense. I’ve had my share of coma inducing chats with Angel. You’re lucky you came out of it so quickly.” He began pulling leaves off of the rose bush he’d been pretending to admire.

Buffy smiled. “Spike, don’t hurt the plants, it’s not what you’re thinking.”

“What am I thinking?”

“My first guess would be lots of British curses about Angel. And then probably some stuff about how Angel and I rekindled our romance while you were gone and how seeing you yesterday only temporary confused me... and how last night I went to Angel to reassure him that you could never mean as much to me as he does and how we made love until the sun came up.”

Spike shrugged as he pouted, “Good guess.”

Buffy put her hands on her hips. “Yeah, well I know how stupid you can be.”

Spike sighed and shook his head, looking at the ground. “Well, it’s none of my business anyway, is it?”

“Actually,” Buffy said, taking a step closer to him, forcing him to look at her. “I’d like to make it your business.”

Spike looked into her eyes, confusion wrinkling his brow.

“As a matter of fact,” she took a deep breath and continued, “I’d like to make just about everything in my life your business.” She moved even closer to him and he watched in perplexed silence as she played with the buttons on his shirt. “And, if you don’t object too strongly, I’d like just about everything in your life to be my business. One might even say I’d like us to share our lives... you know... together.”

Spike was frozen. He couldn’t even make sounds.

“Forever?” Buffy waited. “Are any of these words making sense to you?”

Slowly, Spike shook his head “no.”

Buffy smiled and laughed nervously. “Look, I’m really not good at this... Obviously. I mean I’m all but proposing and you’re not getting the message. I already told you I loved you and you didn’t believe me, so I--”

Spike reacted as if she’d thrown cold water on him.

“What? What’s the matter?”

“Buffy, I can’t do this anymore.”

Her heart sank. “Do what?”

“This. These games. Last night you left my room saying you weren’t sure if you’d be using me and today you show up saying... I don’t know what... You had a long talk with Angel last night and suddenly realized you were deeply in love with me?”

His tone was sarcastic, but Buffy smiled in return. “Well... yeah.”

He stared her down, but her smile wouldn’t fade. Finally, the corners of his own mouth slid up into a smile.

“Oh,” he said, quietly. Then, with a grin, he asked, “Well... what else did you suddenly realize?”

Buffy took the bait, happily. She ran a hand down his arm, stopping to take his hand in hers. “I realized that you were... devastatingly handsome.”

“Of course.”

“Brilliant.”

“’Bout time.”

“Funny--”

Spike lifted an eyebrow.

“--But only in the sexy, sharp witted way, not clown funny.”

Spike nodded, satisfied. “And?”

Buffy’s face grew serious. “And I realized I am so lucky that I don’t have to face the rest of my life without you.”

Spike wasn’t quite expecting that. He fought around the lump in his throat to speak. “I’m not going anywhere, Buffy. No matter what happens. But... are you sure about this?”

“Spike, I love you.”

He felt it this time. With his entire body, he knew it was the truth. He exhaled heavily and smiled down at her. “Buffy, I love you so much.”

“Good answer,” she grinned, then tiptoed up to kiss him.

~TBC~

 

Chapter 11:

Everyone was all smiles at dinner that night.

Buffy and Spike were downright giddy and it was affecting the whole room. Even Giles caught himself smiling a few times.

They sat at a very large, very old dinner table that looked practically mideval. Wesley found it in one of the big storage rooms in the basement at Wolfram and Heart and had it brought over to accomodate the multitude of guests at the Hyperion. He thought the idea of everyone eating together was just what the group needed to heal from their various losses. Of course, it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that deep down he secretly wanted to run a bed and breakfast.

Faith and Gunn were laughing and talking loudly down at one end of the table, opting against proper table manners to the horror of both Robin and Giles. Oz and Willow chatted with Buffy, Spike, Wesley and Fred, while Xander and Dawn played table football with their little potatoes. Andrew was relaying all of the day’s gossip to Lorne and a few of the new slayers, embellishing here and there and making himself the key figure in the events that transpired.

No one mentioned the conspicuous absence of Angel. It was pretty much understood that he wouldn’t be making an appearance that night.

Angel, in fact, was still in the hotel... he was in Cordelia’s room, sitting by her bed and telling her about the conversation he had with Buffy the night before. He was simply pouring out all of his feelings about what Buffy had told him, his thoughts on Spike, the prophecy, Connor, the situation in Iraq... everything he’d been keeping to himself these past few weeks. He couldn’t hold it in any longer. Even if Cordelia couldn’t hear him, it felt so much better to get everything off his chest. To not be the strong silent type, even if it was just for a little while. When he finally stopped to take a breath he took Cordelia’s hand, held it and watched her face. To the casual observer, she was just a beautiful girl, sleeping peacefully, but after a while even the most casual of observers would notice that her body was too still, her eyelids didn’t move to reflect dreams of being a famous Hollywood actress one day and her breath was too shallow and rythmic. Angel wondered if the Cordelia he knew was even in this body anymore. With tears welling in his eyes he whispered, “I miss you, Cordy.” He laid his head on her chest and for the first time since before even he could remember, Angel cried.

It was a while before the sobs became sniffles, and he felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Who knew that letting emotions out also meant letting them go? Not that he was going to make a habit of this crying thing. He certainly wasn’t going to turn into to a big flaming pansy like a certain ex-vampire he knew and hated. He sat up, wiped his eyes and instinctively checked around the room to make sure there were no witnesses.

“Okay, that ought to do me for a hundred or so years.” He stood up and turned to leave. He took a couple of steps, stopped and turned back to place a soft kiss on Cordelia’s lips. “Thanks for listening.” He turned again, toward the door, and was about to leave when he heard:

“Thank God you kissed me.”

Angel spun around. Impossibly, Cordelia’s eyes were open. She was looking at him. “I was afraid you were gonna talk me to death and then leave without so much as a twenty on the night stand.”

Was this real? “Cordelia?”

Slowly and with great care, Cordelia pulled herself up to a sitting position. “Ugh, I feel like I’ve got rickets. Except I don’t really know what rickets are.” She started to teeter backward again and Angel snapped out of it. He ran to her and steadied her.

When he was confident in her ability to sit upright, he plopped down next to her on the bed, staring at her with amazement. “This is unbelievable. Are you... how do you feel?”

“Like I’ve been asleep for five months.”

“Do you remember anything? Of what happened?”
“Even the parts I wish I didn’t.”

“This is amazing. You’re... I have to go get the others.” Angel started to stand but Cordelia grabbed his sleeve.

“Whoa!” She urged him to sit beside her once more. “Just a sec, okay? I don’t know if I’m quite ready for the whole press conference just yet. Let’s just... sit here for a minute and talk.”

Angel could only stare at her, his mind was a blank.

Cordelia chuckled hoarsely. “Or do you only like to talk to me when I’m in a coma?”

Oh. Holy. Mother. “You heard that?”

She put an arm around him and pressed her forehead to his. “Every word. So... were you crying for me or her?”

Angel was having a complete mental breakdown. Cordelia was awake when he thought he’d lost her for good... sure, that was a biggie, but he had never been caught having feelings before. That was huge. He stammered for a while, but couldn’t think of a cover. The jig was up, so he decided to tell the truth. “Both, I think.”

“Rough couple of months, huh?”

“It’s getting better now.”

She smiled at him. It was the famous Cordelia smile that, he realized now, his heart had ached for all this time. “Thanks for waking me up, Prince Charming.”

“Thanks for waking up, Sleeping Beauty.”

“Okay, due to extreme circumstances we are allowed to be cheesy just this once, but that’s gonna have to be the end of it.”

Angel smiled and laughed, “Agreed.”

“Good. Why’d you kiss me?”

That was abrupt. “Uh... I don’t know. I just... wanted to.”

“Do you want to again?”

And again, he was thrown. Instead of wasting time searching for the right answer, he leaned in and kissed her a second time. This time, she kissed back. It was slow and deep and a long time coming. When they finally pulled apart, Cordelia giggled and covered her mouth. “I’m sorry, must have the worst morning breath in history.”

Angel grinned, “I didn’t notice.” He leaned in to kiss her again, briefly, then pulled away and swept her now much longer hair out of her face. “Welcome back, Cordelia.”
***