Chapter 17:

By the time Buffy reached ground level it was barely noon. Somehow, it felt like more time had passed. Like she’d aged a lifetime in an hour. The sun was bright and blazing, not a cloud in the sky as she trudged along keeping to the shadows and trying to get her hair to resemble something close to presentable. She got the feeling she looked tragically mussed, someone to feel sorry for but easily forgotten.

The soft material of Spike’s T-shirt glided against her breasts pleasantly, reminding her of his touch. Buffy wanted to be ashamed. In many ways, she was. He was Spike and a vampire and evil. She had only ever had sex twice and both times it had been with someone who was classified as “undead”. She wondered if it was her. If maybe she attracted them, in other ways than just a Slayer capacity. Or maybe it was she that was drawn to them. Either way, it had to be wrong. She’d spent many hours perusing through Giles’ Watcher’s Journals and never once had any of them mentioned a Slayer having relations with a vampire.

Of course, whether the Watcher’s would have recorded such matters was unknown. Perhaps they were selective with what they wrote. The need to have everything prim and proper and make sure their Slayer didn’t come off as ‘untoward’ was probably important to these people. Buffy had a hard time believing that if Giles found out about what she had done with Spike that he’d jot it down for all to see.

Not that he could ever find out. None of them could.

Buffy barely wanted to think about it herself. Yet, here she was, walking down the road wearing his T-shirt, aching from the way he had pounded into her. It wasn’t a bad ache but that wasn’t the point. She got the horrible feeling that the memory of Spike above her, inside her, wasn’t just going to fade away. She didn’t really understand why he hadn’t bitten her. He’d had the chance, she’d given him the chance, but he still hadn’t. That made two opportunities he’d had to kill her but hadn’t. Buffy didn’t know what was going on in Spike’s head, neither did she care to imagine, but it seemed to her like he should have taken advantage of her and gone for the kill. It seemed like a Spike thing to do.

Everything was such a mystery to her now. Nothing was the same as it had been.
She found herself in a world where she barely felt comfortably in her own skin, where her friends didn’t make time for her anymore, and where she fucked vampires who were evil through and through. It was like a nightmare, only worse. At least you got to wake up from nightmares. This was her life now, no taking it back, no waking up. Buffy had to deal with this, with the consequences of what she had just done and with whom.

“Buffy?”

Annoyed at being interrupted in the middle of her thinking session, she spun around, an irritated expression on her face. She came face to face with Xander, of all people. Xander who she hadn’t seen it what felt like weeks, possibly months. Xander whose hair had grown out longer than the last time she’d seen him.

She removed her sunglasses to get a better look at him. He seemed taller, somehow. Taller and broader, like he had been working out. His warm brown eyes lit up as they took her in, a slow smile curving his lips. Buffy thought he looked incredibly different. He hadn’t undergone a miraculous makeover or anything but when she thought back to the Xander she’d first met in high school and the kind of man he had grown into, it seemed almost unreal.

They stood only a few feet apart but the distance between them felt longer to her. A branch from a tree snapped in the breeze, the sound of birdsong up above them.

“Xander,” she replied, finally.

God, why was this hard? Why would talking to a friend be so hard? It didn’t make much sense to her, but still it felt strange. She shifted from foot to foot, uncomfortable with being in his presence. For his part Xander just looked like he didn’t know what to say. His hands were linked behind his back and he was rocking on the balls of his feet. Maybe he expected some kind of outpouring of emotion. If that was the case then he would be out of luck. Emotion wasn’t exactly one of her strong points anymore.

“It’s good to see you, Buff,” he took a small step closer “I mean, you look good. Sort of...glowy.”

Buffy almost snorted at that. If he knew how she obtained this so-called ‘glow’ she could just see his lips curling up with distaste, that usual self-righteous Xander face she had been on the wrong end of so many times. The Slayer had no idea why he thought he could judge people the way he did, but that wasn’t really relevant right now. He didn’t know about Spike and never would. She didn’t want to see that look directed at her again.

She didn’t graciously accept his compliment as she might once have. Instead she just looked at him; waiting for him to say whatever it was that was on his mind.

“That a new shirt? Kind of big on you,” he noted with a smile, pointing.

Buffy looked down at Spike’s T-shirt. She looked back up, blank-faced.

Xander cleared his throat, “So, are you coming over to Giles’ tonight?”

“No,” Buffy shook her head, “why would I?”

“Oh, I thought...well, you’ve seen the newspapers, right? The sudden increase in vamp activity?”

She swallowed hard, feeling something in the pit of her stomach roil. Buffy pulled a face of vague interest, urging him to continue.

Xander gave a half-shrug, “Giles thought we should gather the troops. Do a little research, a little recon. Like the old days, remember?”

“I...see,” she said softly, looking at her shoes.

“Could be we got a new big bad in town,” Xander continued, oblivious to the conflicting emotions bubbling within her.

Or an old one.

Buffy looked up to meet his eyes, “Maybe you should let me handle this.”

“Hey, the more the merrier, right?” he grinned, “We can make it a party. Stake a few vamps, a couple of bags of chips and movies for afterwards.”

She just looked at him, not really comprehending what he was saying. Her brain was too busy trying to think up reasons to get Giles and the gang away from this subject. If they found out Spike was back in town and went to hunt him down, the vampire might – no, scratch that – would let something slip about just how much the Slayer knew he was in town. That couldn’t be allowed to happen.

“We’d...we’d really like to see you, Buff.” Xander added earnestly.

Buffy lowered her eyes so she was looking over his shoulder instead of directly into his eyes. If she was honest with herself, if she let down her own defences to be honest with herself for just one moment, she would have admitted that it didn’t sound that bad to her. Xander’s proposal for slaying and playing. Deep down she missed her friends and she missed how things used to be, and she would have loved to have curled up on the couch with them after a hard night’s patrolling and watch crappy martial arts films.

I’d really like to see you too.

“I can’t.” she told him, “I have some things I need to take care of. Xander, tell Giles that I’ll handle the new vampires. Tell him that for me. I don’t want you guys to get hurt.”

He frowned, “Yeah, but –”

“Please. Just tell him.” Buffy started to back away. She put her sunglasses back on and watched him a moment longer before she turned and walked hurriedly away. She heard him call her name once before she disappeared around the corner.

+ + +

After she had showered and dressed again, Buffy paced the floor of her room trying to figure out what she should do. She had told Spike that if he left then she wouldn’t hurt him, but now Giles would expect her to come to him with some results on the recent cluster of victims. If the gang knew that Spike was back and that Buffy had kept it from them they would react badly. They would probably try and go after Spike themselves and that would end in nothing but their own deaths.

She sat on the edge of the bed and propped her elbows on her knees, staring at the wallpaper with disdain. She didn’t like her room, anymore. The stuffed animals, the butterflies taped to the walls, the little girly knickknacks just weren’t her anymore. Buffy briefly considered trashing it in a violent burst of hysteria. Her mother probably wouldn’t say anything. She’d lost her spine where it came to confronting her daughter. It was always best to humour her emotionally deficient daughter. It was out of the question, though. She didn’t have the time or the effort to launch herself into a destructive massacre of Mr. Gordo and his pals.

She reached over and plucked the soft pig from her bedcover, running her fingers lightly over his ears. Buffy had always treasured the little hog, ever since her father had won him for her at the carnival when she was six. Gordo was a little worn around the edges these days but he was still holding it together. He was a refined kind of pig.

She sighed and put the pig down. His beady black eyes continued to stare at her though. Buffy wondered if a vicious diatribe towards the animal would make herself feel better, but decided against it. She had to deal with this in a rational and adult way. There was no point in taking it out on a toy. She wasn’t a little girl anymore. The Slayer knew what needed to be done.

Buffy stood and left her room, walking down the stairs slowly, and seeing her mother curled up on the couch watching some soap opera. She stood in the doorway. Joyce turned to look at her, surprised.

“Buffy,” she smiled warmly, “want to watch this with me? I’ve got some hot cocoa with your name on it…”

Buffy shook her head, “No.”

“Oh, okay.” Joyce’s smile faded a little.

“But…thanks, mom. You know…for asking,” she shifted from foot to foot awkwardly.

Her mother nodded, “No problem. Of course, this just means there’s more for me.”

Buffy smiled briefly, “I’m going out.”

“Oh? Patrolling?”

“Yeah.”

“Be careful, Buffy.”

“I always am.”

She gave her mother one last look before she slipped on her shoes and jacket and left the house to go and find Spike.


 

Chapter 18:

Of course, when she wanted to find him he was nowhere to be found. So typical of him. Buffy wandered through the empty streets of Sunnydale and found herself speculating on what the bleach-blonde vampire might be doing. Every option she came up with ended in him committing a slayable offense. She couldn't shake the feeling that because she had let Spike colour her judgment that some innocent was having the life drained out of them as she took a tour of the town.

The grip on her stake tightened almost painfully but she didn't mind. It provided her with some focus.

In the near-distance she heard an unearthly howl and added werewolves to the list of things she should look out for on her nightly patrols. The town was becoming swamped with all sorts of beasts, these days. She was the only guardian of the Hellmouth and it was wearing on her. To shoulder this much responsibility was just too much for one girl to take, super powers or no super powers.

Buffy sighed and kicked a stray pebble across the street. She stopped in surprise when it hit a leather boot. She looked up, expecting it to be him. It wasn't. It was a vampire but not the right one. This guy was tall and sinewy, a mop of black hair atop his head and serious stubble covering his angular chin. His eyes were blue, his nose had been broken at least once. It was odd; usually when vampires faced up against her they were already in game face.

She shrugged to herself and lifted the stake, motioned wearily for the vampire to come and get her. He shook his head slightly, a peculiar smile etched on his face.

Buffy sighed, "Vampires. Aren't you at least going to put up a little fight?"

"Only if you like that kind of thing" He drawled in a Southern accent.

She frowned "What? You do realise I'm the Slayer"

"Right. Guess it makes sense you'd like it rough"

Buffy was still trying to process on whether he was playing some sick joke, simply being suggestive, or was really a dimwit, as he crossed the road towards her. He wore the standard creature of the night costume - leather pants, white wife-beater, leather jacket. He still hadn't changed into vamp face, however. She got into a defensive stance as he came to stand a few feet in front of her.

"Oh, but you're a pretty one, darlin'," he looked her over "don't want to damage you too much."

Buffy rolled her eyes "Can we just get on with this?"

"Feisty, too."

Buffy kicked him in the head. Just to shut him up. Then she whirled around and landed another kick to his gut knocking him to the ground. He flipped up, barely wounded and began to circle her, all the while grinning. Buffy shifted her stake from hand to hand, eyes watching his every move. He moved gracefully, quickly, and with an ease to it all. She estimated he was at least a hundred, possibly slightly more.

"I've heard about them, you know. Your scars." He confided. "And I'm here to tell you, they don't bother me"

She gave him a look. This was some tactic to put her off her game, bringing up the scars, she did her best to ignore it.

"I'm so glad." Buffy replied landing a sold punch to his chin.

The vampire stumbled backwards "Woo! You sure know how to hit, Slayer. I can tell this is going to be fun"

"Yeah," she nodded, slamming another punch into him "my fun!"

He chuckled and instead of moving away out of her reach, as she would have expected, he moved in closer. He drew in the scent of her and moaned in delight. Buffy grimaced and lifted her hand up to stake him. The vampire grabbed her wrists quickly and then did the one thing Buffy really didn't account for. He kissed her.

Instinctively, her foot shot out and connected with his abdomen sending him tumbling to the floor. Buffy reached up and wiped her mouth, spitting several times on the floor at his feet. She raised the stake and looked down at him.

"What the fuck! What the fuck...!"

The vampire sat up "Oh, damn, you're not exclusively his, are you?"

"What are you even talking about!" Buffy yelled, still trying to work out what the hell was going on.

"Spike"

She froze, hand still clutching the stake tightly, eyes on the vampire in front of her. How did he know? Well, that was a stupid question. Spike had obviously made it public knowledge. She shouldn't have expected better from him but she did. She'd actually thought that he might let her keep a little shred of respect. Foolish to think so. He'd probably bragged to half the demon population of Sunnydale by now.

They all knew what she had done. Who she had done.

Buffy took a step back and cleared her throat, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Right," He smiled getting up "playing coy? I like that in a girl."

"Well, I'm not a girl. I'm a Slayer. I slay vampires."

"Slay and lay, the way I heard it" He chuckled, working the cricks out of his shoulders.

Buffy felt a blush burn at her cheeks "Well, you won't be hearing anything after I stake you"

"Tough talk." He motioned her closer "Let's have it, then"

She paused a moment, waiting for him to shift into vamp face. He didn't and it disconcerted her. It wasn't like she hadn't staked vampires that looked human before, but she had never held a conversation with them. Buffy clenched her fist and hit him squarely on the nose. He stumbled backwards but was back on form within seconds.

He blocked another punch from her "Name's Jeremiah, by the way"

"You tell me this after you kiss me? Boy, you vamps have really got to learn a thing or two about manners" She replied kicking him in the knee and sending him to the ground.

"Well, figured if you're doing Spike you were pretty much willing to forgo the formalities" Jeremiah grunted as he looked up at the stars.

She climbed onto him, sweeping her arms down to stake him. He blocked the blow and his knee connected painfully with her side, sending her tumbling to the asphalt. The next thing she knew Jeremiah the vampire was on top of her, still in his pretty boy human visage. His hands pinned her shoulders to the ground.

"I've never grappled with a Slayer, before." He noted "I kind of thought you'd be butch. Or, maybe, taller?"

"Size doesn't matter, Jer." Buffy replied bringing her knee up to meet his groin.

He yelped and fell to the ground on his back, clutching his family jewels. Buffy sighed and stood up looking for her stake. She spied it in the middle of the road and moved towards it automatically. It was only when she heard the sound of a car horn that she realised she was about to get hit. And, in that split-second, she didn't fear it. She didn't exactly want it, either, but it felt alright. Not a bad way to go.

Strangely, Jeremiah had other ideas. He slammed into the side of her at blurring speed knocking both of them out of harms way and into a tangle of limbs.

Buffy was still trying to get her head around the concept of a vampire saving her life again when he backhanded her across the face.

"Are you stupid, girl?" He yelled angrily. "Are you tryin' to get yourself killed?"

She pulled her fist back and punched him in the face "Why the hell do you care! You're a vampire, you want me dead!"

Jeremiah actually looked dumbfounded "Now, why would you say such a thing? I'm not hungry and you're definitely not easy pickings. So why would I ever concern myself with killing you?"

"You...what?" Buffy cried "I'm the Slayer. I kill your kind"

"As long as you don't kill me, I don't hold no grudge"

The Slayer stood, shaking her head "God! What is wrong with you vampires? Haven't you read the rules?"

"Don't you see, girl?" Jeremiah dusted himself up as he stood "Not everything is black and white. I pride myself on being a nice grayish hue"

"You kill people"

"To survive, yes"

She shook her head "And you think that makes it okay?"

"Now, you don't go throwing stones in glass houses, missy." He wagged his finger at her "You're sleeping with a vampire who's twice as bad as I could ever want to be"

"I'm...not sleeping with him"

"The scent doesn't lie, Slayer"

So, that was how he had known. Spike hadn't been shouting his mouth of. Buffy found herself feeling relieved. Then that was squashed when she realised that she was covered in Spike's scent and that every demon or supernatural would know. She suddenly felt the need to shower over and over again.

First she had a vampire to deal with.

Buffy scooped up the stake and looked at him standing easily before her, arms folded. He looked so human but every nerve in her body told her otherwise. It was her job to kill vampires and if she was ever going to be able to stake Spike she should at least be able to take out a vampire she barely knew.

Jeremiah locked eyes with her "You got a tough life, Slayer. Killin' demons when all you probably want is a nice white picket fence and a couple of rug-rats. I don't envy you."

"Well, it's better than being a vampire"

"Maybe," he nodded "but then how would you know?"

Buffy sighed "I'm going to stake you, Jeremiah"

"You gonna stake your boyfriend too? It's only fair, after all"

"He's not my boyfriend"

"Really not the point, darlin'"

She knew that he was probably full of crap - that he probably killed innocent people all the time just for fun or out of a sadistic need, but he was really making this hard for her. She had no fangs to focus on, no bumpy forehead, no yellow eyes. Nothing to make him just another villain of the week. She knew his name, he'd saved her life and he called her pet names.

It suddenly became very obvious why she was hesitating. He reminded her of Spike.

"You know what, Jeremiah?" Buffy shrugged, stake loose by her side "I'm gonna let you go. Let's call it Buffy's 'get out of slayage free' card. One time only deal"

He tilted his head to the side. Buffy was starting to think that he was Spike's brother or something. Stranger things had happened.

"That's very gracious of you, Buffy" Jeremiah said her name as if it were a novelty, something to be careful with.

"Better get gone before I change my mind" She warned.

He nodded and turned away, walking slowly down the road he called back "He's up on the roof of the cinema, in case you're wondering"

Buffy watched him go, completely confused. Deciding it was better to just let it go she looked down at the stake in her hand and after a moment started off towards the Sun Cinema.
 

Chapter 19:

Spike was right where Jeremiah said he would be. Buffy contemplated whether it was a possibility he was working for Spike, then decided against it. The platinum vampire tended to prefer the newly risen vampires for lackeys. 'Recently dead, easily led' seemed to be his motto.

It wasn't really all that important, anyway. She climbed up the remaining rungs of the side ladder and set foot on the roof of the cinema. Spike sat with his back to her on the ledge, legs dangling over the edge of the building. The green neon of the Sun Cinema sign next to him lit him up like a horror movie monster. He was humming a tune she didn't recognise as he took a drag of his cigarette. He seemed oblivious of her presence but, of course, he wasn't.

"Here to off me?"

Buffy took a step forward "I told you to leave town"

"Yeah, well, I'm not in the habit of taking orders from anyone," He replied still giving her nothing but a view of his back "especially not you, Slayer"

She watched him take another easy hit from the cigarette, absently flicking the ash down onto the ground below. Buffy had a very vivid image of herself pushing him off the roof. It wouldn't kill him but it might be fun. As if reading her mind, Spike glanced over his shoulder at her. He looked her over appreciatively and so openly that it made her squirm.

Patting a space on the ledge next to him, he called "Pull up a seat, love"

She smirked "Right. How about I just give you my neck on a platter, too?"

"That sounds like a splendid idea" He grinned. "But in all honestly, I'm not goin' to push you off a roof"

"And I'm supposed to believe that, why?"

"There's no fun in shoving you off here, is there?"

Buffy folded her arms and tilted her head "I'm sure you'd find the fun in it. Why should I trust you?"

"'Cos if I was gonna kill you I'd have done it while I was fucking your brains out." Spike raised on eyebrow, a grin lighting up his features.

With the green light colouring his pale skin in such a way it painted a somewhat frightening picture. He looked inhuman, which he was, but now he looked garish and sickly. Kind of reminded her of what she saw when she looked in the mirror. Deciding there was a measure of truth in what he had said, Buffy warily moved over to the ledge, sitting down tentatively and swinging her legs over. She made sure there was a decent amount of space between them.

Spike looked over at her smugly "You know, when you ran away from me I cried for hours"

"Shut up, Spike."

"A man could end up feeling used"

She scowled at him "Good thing you're not a man, then"

He shrugged with one shoulder "Got all the right parts. You can attest to that"

Buffy shook her head and looked up at the sky. It was late enough for the sky to look black. She could just about see the stars struggling to shine through the darkness. There was a metaphor or something there but Buffy hadn't exactly been a scholar so she just kept it simple; it was pretty....in an overrated way. In different circumstances, with a different man, it might have been romantic. She glanced over at Spike to see he was staring at his boots still humming. When he felt her gaze on him he looked up and they stared at each other.

"In all seriousness, love..." He started.

"The evil vampire now wants to be serious? Somebody call the press!" She rolled her eyes.

"Will you shut up for ten bloody seconds?" Spike groused and she made a 'get on with it' motion "You know I'm not in love with you or anything, right?"

Buffy laughed, looking back up the sky "Trust me, Spike, the possibility had never crossed my mind"

"Good. So, you'll know what I'm about to say isn't because I actually care or anything...but just out of curiosity. Why aren't your mates around you anymore?"

She turned to look at him again, surprised. That had really been the last thing she expected him to ask. She wasn't altogether shocked he had noticed the absence of her friends but she did wonder why he wanted to know the reason. She had figured him for pretty much a two-track mind - kill and fuck. Why he wanted to know anything about her life now, she didn't know.

Buffy stared down at the ground and swallowed "I'm not much fun to be around these days"

"So, they just ditched you?"

For someone who didn't care he sure sounded irate. Buffy really didn't understand his interest in the matter or his indignation but she doubted she'd ever understand Spike.

"No." She shook her head "I pushed away. After...after the accident. It was me who didn't want to see them and they tried. They really did...but people can only take so much. And I know if I went back to them today they'd let me but..."

"You don't much fancy being in that crowd now? Don't blame you. They always were a bunch of tossers"

"You know nothing about them" Buffy said icily.

Spike shrugged again, taking a drag from his cigarette "I know enough. Mustn't be too fond of them if you won't see them"

"It's not that. I just don't feel like being around anyone"

"Now, that's a load of bullshit" Spike pointed at her "humans, like vampires, are generally pack animals. They need contact with others no matter how much they're hurting. Often more so because of that."

She arched an eyebrow "And you became a Psych major, when?"

"You live as long as me...you pick up a few things. 'Sides I met Jung a couple of times. He had some weird stuff going on in his mind. Not half as dirty as Freud mind you..."

"You've lost me, nerd-boy" Buffy replied lightly.

Spike smiled then. She found herself almost returning it before she caught herself. Being a Slayer she should've known better than to let her guard down around him. Her moral compass had gotten pretty screwed recently and Jeremiah's apparent "grayish hue" had unbalanced her even further. Whether Spike had the capacity for good remained to be seen but she severely doubted it. He'd done nothing to prove himself. Except maybe help her save the world once...and not kill her a couple of times...

Buffy dropped her head into her hands. Nothing made sense. She wished he would just attack her and make it easy. That way she could dust him without a second thought.

"Cheer up, Summers." Spike patted her shoulder "It's a beautiful night, you've got a handsome companion and you're still young enough to be considered veal in my book"

She straightened her shoulders and lifted her head "Why won't you just leave?"

"I like it here. A decent club, a nice comfy Hellmouth, Slayer ass on tap...no where better"

"You're an asshole"

Spike brightened up, shifting closer "Speaking of, where's Angelus these days?"

Buffy's spine went rigid at the mention of his name. She stood up on the ledge, and after only a brief moment looking down at the ground below, she set foot back on the roof and turned to leave. Spike called out to her asking, with a gleeful giggle, what her problem was.

She stopped with her back to him, her fists clenching "Where's Dru, Spike? I thought you were going to make her love you again. Yet, here you are, alone"

"Yeah, well," Spike mumbled chucking his cigarette off the edge of the roof "Didn't work out, did it?"

Buffy turned to look at him, smugly "I'm guessing she found someone better, someone who could satisfy all her freaky vampire tendencies. Probably some nasty old demon. Taller than you, stronger, bigger in so many ways..."

"Enough!" He growled on the verge of vamping out.

She smiled slowly, pressing the tip of her finger against the point of the stake "What's the matter, Spike? You don't want to talk about your ex?"

He looked at her then, a strange mixture of surprise and respect on his face. He took a step towards her on the roof but didn't come any closer.

Folding his arms, an easy smile played at his lips "You made your point, Slayer. No Dru, no Angel. Works fine enough for me, anyway. The less time spent dwelling on that piss-pot the better. We'll keep things strictly in the present. Just you and me now, pet"

"There is no you and me"

"Could've fooled me"

Buffy sighed, tossing her hair over her shoulder "Spike, you've gotten careless. Bodies have been turning up everywhere. I've noticed. Giles has noticed, they all have...and they will hunt you down and kill you"

The vampire chuckled "They can try, you mean"

"I'll kill you"

"You can't"

"I can." She held up the stake "I will"

"So why haven't you, then?"

Buffy eyed him a long while "I want you to prove something to me. If you're not going to leave this town, then you have to stop killing people"

"You are hysterical you know that, love?" Spike grinned.

"I'm serious. Either stop, or be stopped"

He scratched his chin "Fuck me again and I'll think about it"

Buffy threw her hands up in disgust and started to walk away from him back towards the ladder she had used to get up there in the first place. The vampire chuckled and jogged back to her, grabbing her arm. She shook him off, placed both hands onto his chest and shoved him back hard. He gracelessly fell onto his ass and Buffy looked down at him with a hard expression on his face.

"You bloody bitch!" Spike snarled, morphing into vamp face.

"I'm sick of this! I'm sick of you playing the big bad vampire because if that's all you are, Spike...well, if that's all you are then fine. I'll stake you. I'll get on with existing." Buffy's voice began to rise as her anger flared "You think you can keep treating me this way? Taunting and laughing and trying to hurt me - then think again. I'm through with being your little project."

He stood slowly, amber eyes narrowed "I don't know what you mean, Slayer"

"You think this is fun. Being a shithead to me, not bothering to tell me that I'm carrying your stench on me for every demon in this goddamn town to recognise..."

"Ah, now, you see -"

"I don't want to hear it, Spike. Yes, I'm different than I was before. I guess I've been more vulnerable. But if you think I'm just going to sit back and let you kill then you're even more of an idiot then I thought" She stared him unwavingly in the eyes.

Spike looked back at her and he smiled. It wasn't a malicious smile or even one of his usual arrogant, flirting smiles. It was just a smile. A genuine one. He nodded slowly and let his arms hang loose down at his sides.

"Now, that's more like it." He beamed "Not taking no shit from anyone, being a snotty bitch...that's my Slayer"

She didn't know exactly what he meant by that. She had never been his in any way and if he thought that their...what they had done constituted him having posession over her, then he was wrong. Buffy would never belong to anyone ever again. It just caused heartache and pain that she didn't have the strength for anymore. Up until recently she had thought she'd never even know the feel of someone else's body against hers again. Being naked in anyone's presence had disgusted her. In a way, it still did, but Spike...he hadn't made her feel undesirable. He'd tried to earlier to hurt her but when it came down to it he still wanted her. When they had had sex he had looked at her with need in his eyes. She had seen it then if not truly believed it.

Buffy held her stake out "So, what's it going to be?"

"Well, naturally I don't want you to stake me but I'm a vampire. I kill to feed. It's in my bloody nature -"

"No. It isn't. You don't have to kill to eat. There's butcher shops that sell blood"

Spike snorted "Oh yeah, - congealed, cold, pig's blood. Mmm baby. I don't think so"

"Then don't kill. You don't have to kill"

He cupped his chin in his hand as if in deep thought "Well, now that you mention it...I did get wind of a little place in town that's recruiting"

"What?" She frowned.

"Place where humans go to get bitten and pay for it too" Spike grinned "I could do with some cash"

"They pay you to bite them?"

"Yeah, sweet deal. I could charge more with my rep"

Buffy pulled a face "Sounds like a whore house"

"Yeah" He sighed wistfully.

The Slayer stared a him a long moment "Fine. Do that. As long as you're not leaving bodies, I don't care how you feed"

Spike took a couple of steps towards her "Do I get a kiss out of it?"

"How about - no way in hell?"

"I like a girl who plays hard to get" He smirked "If I stick to my end of the bargain, I expect a reward"

"Not dying isn't reward enough?"

"Not nearly"

Buffy tilted her head and scrutinised him for several moments as he had done to her, earlier. He didn't bristle at the attention though. He revelled in it. She figured he might even pose for her if she carried on looking.

She nodded "Okay, I'll kiss you"

"Knew you couldn't resist -" He started forward.

Buffy put her hand against his chest to stop him "I'll kiss you when you earn it, Spike"

She looked at him a moment longer before turning away and making a graceful retreat down the ladder. Buffy decided she'd done her part. Whether Spike showed any shades of gray was up to him.
 

Chapter 20:

The walk home seemed shorter than usual and she had turned into Revello Drive before she even realised it. Her mind was occupied on other things. Namely on Spike. On whether she was right to give him this chance. She could be endangering people’s lives. The chances of Spike actually letting his victims live was extremely small. And, even so, he’d killed a lot of people. He more than deserved to meet the pointy end of a stake. He wouldn’t reform, he didn’t want to. She began to feel ill, knowing that she’d probably let Spike go again and that someone else would pay for her misjudgement.

It wasn’t only Spike that was playing on her mind. There was also Jeremiah. She didn’t even know him and she’d let him go too. If she wasn’t careful she’d get the reputation of being a vampire sympathiser. As well as being vamp-whore. Buffy cringed. The whole demon underworld knew about her relationship with Angel and now her tryst with Spike. Were they all going to try chatting her up now instead of killing her? She wasn’t trained to deal with that kind of shit. It used to be so simple. Vampire Slayer slays vampires; not sleeps with them.

Angel. Spike just had to mention him, didn’t he? She’d done her best to stop thinking about him and she’d done pretty well, too. Now, though, she couldn’t help it. Buffy wondered what he was doing in L.A. Probably being noble and gallant, saving the damsels in distress and never faltering. Not like her. She was more screwed up than she had ever been. It made her jealous that Angel, who was technically dead, was having more of a life than she was. That he was better than she was. At the job, at life as a whole. She felt all kinds of useless.

He didn’t know about her, either. Angel probably thought she was doing fine, slaying, going to college, having the life he had so desperately wanted for her. Buffy laughed bitterly to herself. He had been so self-sacrificing, hadn’t he? Leaving her for her own good, supposedly. It hadn’t felt so damn good at the time. Still didn’t. She had no doubt that if she called him up now and told him about her scars that he would come running. He’d probably try to hold her, console her and apologise for not being there. The thought made her shudder. She never wanted Angel to know. She wanted him to still have this idealised picture of her in his head. If she were to come face to face with him now, she would probably just break down. He’d never just think of her as Buffy again, she’d be Buffy – his mutilated ex.

Angel had called a few times quite soon after leaving, just to check in on her. After she got burned she stopped taking those calls. Giles and Willow offered to tell him, to get him to come and see her in the hospital. She had practically begged them not too. Angel had stopped calling, eventually. It had been easier then.

And harder.

Buffy sighed to herself as she unlocked her front door and entered the house. She shrugged off her jacket and placed it on the coat hook. She fully intended on going straight to bed to get some much needed rest and she was half way up the stairs when a voice called out to her.

The Slayer froze on the staircase and turned to look into the living room. It had been Giles’ who had spoken but he was not alone. He’d brought the whole gang with him this time. Buffy cursed inwardly and backtracked down the stairs, coming to stand in the doorway of the living room.

For a few moments she just let her eyes glance over her friends. Xander sat on the couch giving her a friendly smile and a small wave. Willow was next to him.God, Willow…it had been so long since she’d even laid eyes on the witch. Too long for best friends. Her hair was shorter, in a cute flicked up style and she seemed to be going for a sort of bohemian look. Noticing Buffy’s attention was on her Willow gave her one of her brightest smiles that faded considerably when the Slayer did not return it.

Next to Willow was Oz. Buffy had never exactly taken the time to get to know the werewolf too well but she knew she had liked him and in a strange way she felt close to him too. He was so monosyllabic and closed off about his emotions that she felt they had more in common now. Oz acknowledged her with his eyes only, not unfriendly, just casual. She preferred that to the beaming smile her mother was giving her from her position in the armchair.

“Buffy!” Joyce came to stand next to Giles “Look who came to see you”

Buffy felt like rolling her eyes. It wasn’t as if she was blind, she had already seen who was here. And she hated it. Not because she hated them, not by any means, but because she now felt wholly uncomfortable again.

“Why are you guys here?” Buffy asked sounding a little more annoyed than she had intended.

Giles stepped up to her, removing his glasses and polishing them with the bottom of his sweater “We came to see if you succeeded in ridding Sunnydale of the latest vampire threat?”

The wave of guilt flooded over her again, this time stronger as she saw her friends’ expectant looks. She hadn’t even told them about Spike. There would have been a time that she confided everything to them and now she was keeping the secret that one of the most vicious killers they had ever faced was back in town and that she had just given him a free pass at murdering more people. Not to mention the small fact of sleeping with him.

She nodded, swallowing hard “Yeah, I think so. I slayed a couple. I’m pretty sure they were the ones causing the increase in bodies”

“But we should all be on the lookout just to be safe?” Giles questioned.

“No.” Buffy shook her head “I’ll be on the lookout. You should all just get on with your lives”

Xander sat up straighter “This is a part of our lives, Buff”

“No, it isn’t. I’m the Slayer. It’s my life”

“You make it sound like that’s all there is,” Willow frowned, clutching Oz’ arm “like that’s your only purpose”

Buffy wanted to turn away and go upstairs to bed. She didn’t want to get into an argument about her life or lack thereof. This was exactly why she had been avoiding her friends. It was easier if she was alone because then she could just get on with her job, without being distracted. Buffy was aware that thinking of her friends as distractions was a terrible thing to do but that was truly how she felt. Before she had the time to speak up Oz did it for her.

“This isn’t what we came here for” He reminded Willow, before turning to look at Buffy.

Giles nodded “Oz is quite right. We’re not here to make you feel uncomfortable, Buffy. We’re just here to offer our support and help should you want it”

“I don’t want to go against the plan or anything, but come on! Since when did we need a plan to talk to our friend?” Xander stood holding his hands out in a gesture of disbelief “This is Buffy, guys. And Willow has a point. We can go on pretending like we’re not being ripped apart but that won’t solve anything”

Willow nodded, her eyes sad “We can’t carry on like this. I don’t know how we let it get this bad to start with. Well, yeah, actually I do. We were all scared. We couldn’t deal with this. And Buffy shut us out because of that. It’s our fault. It’s my fault that I can look at my best friend and not even recognise who she is anymore”

Buffy felt the skin on her face heat up as everyone in the room turned to stare at her. Her mother looked like she might say something but quickly closed her mouth when she saw the stare her daughter gave her. She felt herself take a step backwards into the hallway. Her mouth felt incredibly dry like she needed a cup of water.

“Willow” Oz said with a slight warning in his voice.

“No, I’m sorry. I know I said I’d try and be strong about this but…” She stood, taking steps towards Buffy “But being strong isn’t about brushing this all under the carpet. It’s about getting it out in the open. I want my friend back”

The Slayer took another step away and her back hit the stair railings “I don’t have time for this, Willow”

“You never have time for us anymore,” Xander replied angrily, also coming towards her.

Buffy couldn’t help it; she snorted “Who abandoned whom, Xander? I know it wasn’t me who was too busy fucking Anya to visit me in hospital”

That shut him up. And everyone else in the room. She didn’t know if it was the use of expletives or because it was the stone cold truth. Buffy regretted it almost as soon as she said it, mostly because she knew it would result in more confrontation. She had let slip that their absence had bothered her and now she knew they would not let it go. She should have just stayed cold but that time had passed. If they really wanted to know who she was now, then they damn well would. It was their problem if they didn’t like it.

“That’s not true, Buffy” He replied finally, shaking his head and a blush coating his cheeks “You made it pretty clear you didn’t want me, or any of us, around”

She folded her arms “Then what makes you think I do now?”

“Buffy!” Her mother scolded her.

The Slayer shook her head “You all come here to ambush me into some, what, intervention? And you expect me to just stand here and take it when you tell me it’s all my fault.”

“That’s not what we were saying at all, Buffy” Willow took another step towards her.

Buffy put her hand out “Don’t”

“This was not intended as an ambush” Giles told her, wearily “But there are issues that need addressing”

“Right. I can’t see where I got the ambush idea from!” She spat, turning on her heel to leave.

Xander grabbed her arm to stop her. Buffy froze, staring down at the hand gripping her. She looked up into his eyes, her face a mask of complete and utter anger. He didn’t even have the sense to let go of her. She felt her hand tighten into a fist. She was going to punch him, every Slayer urge in her screamed at her to do it. The blood in her veins felt like it was boiling, her heart pounding. Her rage was a live, tangible thing.

“Enough”

That one word broke her out of the spell. She might have expected it from Giles, but not Oz. They all turned to him – the short werewolf standing slightly behind Xander, looking her in the eyes. She felt her fist loosen slightly and sucked in a deep lungful of air.

Oz reached over and took Willow’s hand “I think we should go. Give Buffy some time.”

“Not to sound like an asshole or anything, Oz, but we’ve known Buffy longer –” Xander started.

“Let go of me” She seethed.

His eyes locked on her. She saw the sadness behind them. He really did miss her and she missed him too but now was not the time for a heartfelt reconciliation. Not that it had looked like it was going that way. Xander’s hand dropped from her arm and he took a step back, shaking his head.

“Fine,” He shrugged “I guess there’s nothing more to say”

Buffy watched as he grabbed his jacket and stormed out the front door leaving it wide open. She didn’t mind, though, because the breeze was effective in calming her down a little more. However, when she turned to face Willow she felt instantly worse again. The redhead’s whole face had wilted, her eyes filling up with unshed tears. Oz’s arm slid around her shoulders but she shook it off.

“I’m sorry, Buffy” She whispered before following Xander out of the door.

Oz barely glanced at the Slayer before he went after his girlfriend. Buffy turned to face Giles. His expression was unreadable as he headed for the door. Before he left he turned back and looked her square in the eyes.

“They all care for you, as do I. We are still your friends.” He spoke softly “It’s time you started treating us as such”

And then he was gone. She gave her mother a look that told her not to even bother trying to speak to her right then. Buffy turned and walked up the stairs, sighing audibly. She wondered how badly they might have all reacted to her news regarding Spike. And, despite the seriousness of the situation, she found herself laughing at the visual as she trudged to bed.

+ + +

Spike drained the very last drop of blood from the girl he held tightly against his body. When he was sated he let the body crumple to the floor. The vampire wiped his hands across his mouth then licked the fluid from his fingers.

Sighing, he scooped the girl’s body up into his arms and walked over to the edge of the quarry. He tossed her over the side and watched as she tumbled down further and further before the darkness swallowed her whole.

Spike turned and walked away, lighting a cigarette, the sound of the body hitting water barely reached him before he was gone.

 

Chapter 21:

He had been looking for the Slayer for two nights but she’d managed to evade him thus far. Purposefully avoiding him, that was for sure. Well, Spike was having none of that. He’d been all around town looking for her and he wasn’t too fond of having to hunt her down like a tamed little puppy dog. By rights she should have come to him. He was the one who was supposed to be in charge here. Have himself a little fun with Buffy and then kick her to the curb. That was always the way. But since their last meeting the balance of power had shifted.

For the first time since he got back in town she actually seemed to be behaving like herself again. Partly, at least. She had laid down the ground rules of their relationship – if it could be called that – and made it clear that she wasn’t going to be walked all over by him. Spike kind of liked it, if he was honest. He’d always been a bit of a sucker for being dominated. And her determination and stubbornness had been what first attracted her to him way back when they first fought. Of course, just because she’d been all resolute didn’t mean he was actually going to do what she asked. Stop killing? Not bloody likely. He was a vampire. It was, as he had once told Angelus, their raison d’être. Still, she didn’t have to know that. Spike was fine with her believing he’d gone down the reformation route. It kept her off his back – in the non-literal sense only – and it meant he had the best of both worlds.

He jumped over the gate to Buffy’s back garden deftly, keeping to the shadows and being as quiet as possible. It would do no good to alert his presence to Buffy or, even worse, her mum.

Spike scaled the trellis placed again the wall of the house, and then climbed onto the small ledge of roof outside the Slayer’s window. He peeked in and could see her laying in bed, or rather just a mass of blonde hair was visible above the covers. The window had been left open a crack, which was handy for him. He slid it up swiftly and climbed into her room. She didn’t wake up. Probably knackered from slaying and being such a depressed bint.

It still gave him some pleasure that she had yet to revoke his invitation into her house. She knew he was dangerous, so either she trusted him or she had a death wish. Giving her present state of mind it was probably the latter.

Spike kicked off his boots and shrugged the duster off, leaving them in a pile on the floor. He glided across the floor and over to her bed. Leaning over her he could see Buffy was still fast asleep. Her face looked troubled, even when resting. Her eyebrows knitted and her lips set in a frown. He slipped into bed behind her as gently as he could. His arms snaked around her waist and he awaited her inevitable indignant scream regarding his being in her bed. Instead, she stayed mercifully silent. Still asleep.

Spike was flummoxed for a moment but then a grin spread across his lips. He’d make sure she got a pleasant awakening.
The vampire’s hand slithered up the front of her tank top, his cold hand reacting to the warmth of her skin beneath it. He saw the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, the goose bumps rising, but still she slept on. He ran a fingertip along the underside of her breast, noting with approval that she wasn’t wearing a bra.

Spike used his other hand to sweep the hair away from her neck, he placed a soft kiss there, and the feel of her pulse steadily beating against his lips almost made him change into game face. He held it back though, knowing that if the Slayer woke up to find him nuzzling her neck with his fangs on display he’d get a sharp stick to the heart.

He moved his mouth to her shoulder, kissing the bare skin exposed there. Spike pushed the strap of her top down her arm, displaying a small portion of her scarred skin. He ran his fingers lightly over them and she instinctively shifted away from his touch even in her sleep.

Pulling her back to him, he spooned more closely against her back, burying his face into her hair and inhaling the scent of her. She always smelt so damn good. Spike found that Slayers always had an appealing smell to them but with Buffy it manifested itself tenfold. A primal part of him was attracted to the Slayer but Spike found that he, actually, found Buffy Summers more captivating. Sure she was a ditzy blonde Californian girl but there was something else underneath that. He’d seen it, even back when they’d first met. And now that she’d shut herself off from her pals and her mother he could sense it even stronger. There was a coldness inside her, a darkness. She was a mixture of light and dark.

And Spike identified with that.

He was by no means good but he had the capacity to be good. He just chose not to be. The dark ruled over him, the light suffusing below the surface. Spike was aware of his difference to other vampires like Angelus, Darla or Drusilla. He could be as evil as they were but there were moments when he simply wasn’t. Sometimes, that poncy git William reared his ugly head. It made no sense, really, since he lacked a soul. But ever since he’d been turned Spike had the nagging feeling the geeky sod had managed to cling onto him instead of being swept away.

The softer side of him always seemed to manifest itself around women, too. He could slaughter a whole town with glee but the minute he laid eyes on Drusilla his stomach would flip-flop and for a moment he felt like a schoolboy. With Buffy, he’d always wanted to kill her, but beneath that all he’d held a bit of a candle for her ever since he first watched her dance. Nothing serious, just thought she was a pretty bit of skirt. He’d wanted to kill her and kiss her in equal measure.

Buffy’s foot moved backwards and hit his leg, a moment later the blonde tensed in his arms. Spike knew she had woken up. She was probably deciding the best course of action for finding someone in bed with her who hadn’t been there earlier.

“Comfy?” He drawled, announcing himself.

She didn’t relax a jot. “…what are you doing here?”

“Came to see my best girl, didn’t I?” He replied jovially. “She promised me a kiss if I was a good boy”

Buffy broke away from his hold and sat up in bed. She turned around to face him and inched towards the furthest side of the mattress away from him. Spike propped his face on his hand and looked her over – with the bed hair and the bleary eyes, not to mention the polar bear pyjama bottoms, she looked adorable even to an evil git such as himself.

Buffy’s expression turned into something not-so-adorable. “Get out of my bed, get out of my house. And, hey, get out of town if you’re feeling generous.”

“Now, now. That’s no way to treat a paramour.”

“You’re not my para-anything,” Buffy groused. “And I notice how you’re still not getting the hell out”

Spike sat up slowly, stretching. “What’s gotten your knickers in a twist?”

The Slayer rolled her eyes at his choice of words before her face returned to its sullen disposition again. She threw the covers off of her legs and turned away from him, sitting on the edge of her bed with her back to him. Spike arched an eyebrow and wondered if this was the part where he was supposed to comfort her. He almost snorted aloud. He wasn’t the dutiful boyfriend, he wasn’t even a friend. Still, he found himself crawling up next to her and sitting with his legs dangling off the bed in a position that mirrored hers.

Buffy barely glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. “Like you care, Spike. Like you even care what’s wrong.”

“You’re right; I don’t,” Spike nodded. “But why don’t you tell me anyway?”

“It’s nothing. Just my friends stopped by a few days ago.”

Spike frowned. “And this is a bad thing?”

“They stopped by to tell me they don’t like who I’ve become,” She looked at him. “And it’s not like they’re wrong. I mean, look at me.”

He did look at her “Seem perfectly fine to me.”

“Yeah, ’cos perfectly fine Buffy would really close herself off from her friends and have sex with you.”

“I’d like to think so,” Spike grinned.

“Why am I talking to you?” She huffed.

“Look, love, the truth of the matter is your friends are ninnies,” Spike announced. “They handled you all wrong, from what I can gather. They didn’t know how to deal with you so they just didn’t. Kept their distance, hoped you’d just revert to Happy Sunshine Buffy. People don’t work that way. If they don’t have anyone to keep them afloat, they’ll sink and drown.”

She regarded him suspiciously. “The fact that that made some kind of sense to me really just goes to show that hell has frozen over.”

“I understand humans, Buffy. I was one for a while. And now, being set apart from the whole race I can still observe and laugh at pathetic human behaviour.” Spike leaned back on his hands.

She glared at him “Right. Like vampires are so perfect.”

“Far from it,” he acquiesced. “But we just kill anyone that makes us feel low. Want me to wipe out your old mob for you? Be a pleasure.”

“I thought you were being a good boy, now.”

Spike smirked, “Haven’t given me my kiss yet, I could still revert to form.”

“And how do I know you’re not still killing?”

“Trust me.”

Buffy scoffed. “Not likely –”

He shut her up with a kiss. Spike’s arms slid around her waist and he pulled her close. And, for all her many protestations, she kissed him back hungrily after her initial surprise faded. He felt her hands tangling in his hair and sighed into her mouth. The Slayer kissed like she fought – vicious and uncompromising. He loved it.

Spike moved down onto the bed, taking her with him and placing her on top of him. She straddled his waist uneasily and he kissed her more softly to soothe her. And, somehow, the kiss turned slow and sensual and not at all like any of the others kisses they had shared with each other. Buffy’s tongue slid smoothly over his as her fingers drew circles on his chest. He trailed his hand down her bare arm, feeling the hairs rise up in his path, and her hips push into his, and knew he had to have her right there and then.

So, naturally, Buffy pulled away. She sat upright, her back ramrod straight as she looked down at him warily.

Then she did something unexpected. She grinned.

“Oh, I get it,” she arched an eyebrow. “You think you can throw around a few insightful words and you’re gonna get you some.”

Spike sniggered. “You’ve got me pegged, Slayer.”

“Buffy,” she corrected. “I mean, unless I’m slaying you, then it’s Slayer. And Miss. Summers if I’m asking you for a loan.”

He rubbed his forehead in a sign of stress. “Please tell me I’m going to get a shag after this very useful lecture on the naming of things.”

“You’re a prick,” Buffy smacked him on the shoulder and started to climb off him.

Spike sat up with her still straddling his lap, and grabbed her arms. Her hands went to his shoulders, eyes searching his face for malicious intent. He placed a soft kiss on her jaw line, followed it with another behind her ear and then down on her neck. She didn’t even tense. Maybe it was because she wanted him to bite her. His hands moved down her arms and to her waist, gathering up the bottom of her tank top he started to lift it up. Buffy placed her hands on top of his to stop him.

“My mom’s in the next room.” She informed him seriously.

Spike waited for her to elaborate and when she didn’t asked, “Yeah, so?”

“So, she’ll hear!”

“Best be quiet then, hadn’t you?” He teased, pulling her top up over her body and head, tossing it to the floor casually.
Buffy automatically crossed her arms over her breasts to conceal them from him. He rolled his eyes and took one of her wrists in each hand, pulling them away. Spike’s eyes looked her over unabashed before he bowed his head and pressed his lips to the hollow of her collarbone, arms snaking around her waist to rest on her lower back. It was then that she shifted off of his lap and scuttled backwards on the mattress.

“Buffy, I’ve seen them before,” he groaned, referring to her scars, “I’ve touched them before. Come back ’ere.” When she made no move to do as he asked Spike looked into her eyes and spoke, “I’ve lived a long life, Buffy. I’ve seen things that’d make you scream, things that are sick and twisted and revolting. Things your mind won’t even let you conjure up. And, you know what? You’re not one of them. You’re not disgusting. Far from it. So, you have a few scars, so bloody what? Everyone does. Yours just happen to be more visible than other people’s. People, in general, are royally fucked up. Their scars are in their heads. Yours are on your back. They’re behind you. So, put them behind you. Forget about them.”

Her eyes swept over him cynically, “Easy for you to say, Spike. You’re not the one who’s scarred for life.”

“No, I’m not.”

Spike expected her to give him the brush off. It was, after all, her raison d’être. But she’d surprised him more than once tonight and it seemed that he was about to get another one. Buffy crawled towards him on the bed and in her topless state it was a very pleasant view. Then she climbed onto his lap, reinstating her earlier position there. Before he could make some arrogant comment about this she slammed her lips down on his and he suddenly didn’t find it so important.

He wrapped his arms around her and slowly slid his hands up the length of her back. She stiffened in his arms, pulling just far enough away for her forehead to touch his as she looked him in the eyes. Spike gazed back at her a little perplexed. She had avoided any kind of deep eye contact with him ever since he’d made his presence known. His hands glided over the rough and smooth of her back, the warmth of her skin pleasant to his cold body.

“Turn around,” he instructed, voice hoarse.

Buffy pulled away further then. Spike kept his hold on her and watched her face earnestly. A few moments passed before the Slayer sucked in a shuddering breath and turned herself around, sitting back down on his lap. Spike eyes swept over the scars, they looked darker in the moonlight. He could feel her trembling and understood how much it must have taken her to do this. To let him see, again. And it made him feel guilty about lying to her. He wasn’t supposed to feel guilty but he did. Spike was on the verge of just calling it all off when she spoke.

“So,” Buffy said, a nervous tremor in her voice, “regretting seeing the full monty again?”

Spike barked out a laugh “Oh, this is no where near the full monty. And, no. Not regretting. Just admiring.”

“Yeah, it’s a sight for sore eyes,” Buffy riposted a tinge of self-deprecation evident.

Spike found himself wanting her all over again. She was so fragile and vulnerable these days but he would still see flashes of the old Buffy Summers in her. As if to back up his observation, she began to move her hips around in slow, grinding circles against his. Spike’s eyes widened and a small smile curved at his lips. He kissed her shoulder and then dipped his head lower, kissing along the jut of her shoulder blade. She made a small sound as his lips landed on a particularly ruinous looking scar. He placed a hand on her back and attempted to push her forward, so she would be positioned on her hands and knees in front of him.

Buffy wasn’t quite so compliant this time.

“What are you doing?” She asked, resisting his semi-gentle pressure.

“I want you on all fours.” Spike explained casually.

Buffy snorted, “Not a chance, Spike. Now take off your clothes.”

This girl just did not stop baffling him. He laughed aloud but after she climbed off of him, he did as she asked – shedding his shirt, T-shirt and jeans he resumed his position naked as the day he was born. Buffy had followed suit and got rid of the pyjama bottoms. Spike just admired the view for a few moments before reaching out to her.

She shook her head and climbed onto his lap, her back against his chest. “God, what am I doing?”

“Me,” he grinned, taking the lobe of her ear between his teeth and pulling it gently.

Buffy hissed and lifted herself up to get the right angle before she slid down onto his cock. Spike gasped at the sensation, the heat of her, and bucked his hips up driving himself in deeper. As they rocked together he found himself noticing the way it felt when his chest rubbed against her back. The sensation was an odd one, bordering on pleasant, as the rough patches moved against his smooth skin. His hands slid around and up to fondle her breasts as she began to move faster, leaning forwards slightly to find a better angle for her. Spike bent his head down to kiss and lick her scars, still not quite believing that the Slayer was riding him. And it wasn’t even the first time they’d fucked. He started grinning goofily to himself and was half glad she couldn’t see the expression on his face. I’m a lucky sod, oh yeah he thought to himself as he lets his hands roam over her body.

He’d never been with someone so warm, so alive. And what she lacked in experience she definitely made up for in vigour, in the very physicality of every one of her touches, in every one of her movements.

“Buffy,” Spike sighed in her ear, almost in delirium, as she moved her hips around in a circle while he was still encased in her.

She arched her back as she neared her orgasm, back of her head resting against his shoulder and giving him a partial view of her face and the line of her torso, “This the great vampire stamina you keep boasting about?” she smirked.

Spike’s eyes narrowed and he kissed her roughly, his neck bent at an odd angle to reach her lips. He placed his hands firmly on her waist and thrust into her slower and more laboriously, prolonging the experience and bringing her down from the edge of ecstasy. She moaned a little in both disappointment and anticipation of a greater pleasure. As he inched his way out of her, deliberately drawing it out, Spike began to think that maybe he should just leave town. Just leave the Slayer well enough alone. It’d be better for her. She’d make up with her moronic pals, buck up and be the Little Slayer Who Could all over again. He knew this thing that they had would not end well and for one reason or another he actually cared. It was like he was in a parallel universe – he cared how Buffy Summers felt.

But then she reached up and ran her hand down his cheek so softly that he actually quivered inside her. Her hand fixed around his neck and she pulled his face down, pushing it into her neck. The heat of her skin, the pulse beneath it, made him thrust into her harder than he intended, bumping against her cervix and making her cry out. Spike pulled up and kissed her temple in apology, drawing himself out of her once again before sinking back in slightly faster this time. Buffy rocked back and forth on him, starting out slowly, her momentum getting faster and faster.

“Spike,” she groaned, annoyed, clearly wanting him to finish her off.

Spike arched an eyebrow “What, pet? Don’t want me to showcase my stamina anymore?”

“No!” Buffy leant forward again; the friction between their bodies was pleasurable agony.

“Want to come right quick?” He asked, his voice sounding casual but he was anything but.

She nodded vigorously and Spike was secretly relieved. He didn’t know how much longer he could have kept himself from coming if she’d insisted upon the whole tantric bit. Just because it was good enough for Sting didn’t mean much to Spike. He’d met the man once and found him to be a nice enough bloke, if not a touch eccentric. But that was hardly relevant, Spike reminded himself.

He increased the speed of his strokes and watched curiously as Buffy took one of his hands from her waist and guided it down over her hip, to her clitoris. He obliged, touching her gently between the legs, whilst whispering inconsequential things into her ear, making her shudder. His touch became rougher, running the nail of his finger over her and making her whimper. Spike loved that sound.

He continued to use his hand to bring her pleasure at the same time he pulled out of her and slammed into her hard enough that she came without warning, Buffy cried out in surprise as much as euphoria. When her inner muscles clenched and unclenched around him Spike could no longer stop himself from coming inside her, even as she was still riding the waves of her own orgasm.

All he could hear was Buffy’s shuddering breaths, and the pounding of her heart, for a moment before he collapsed backwards onto the bed, taking a very satisfied Slayer with him.
 

Chapter 22:

The following night Buffy patrolled one of the largest cemeteries in Sunnydale. She wasn’t exactly sure if she wanted to encounter any demons tonight. Part of her wanted to have her mind taken off all the stuff that was clogging up her brain whereas another part of her wanted to go over it all in depth and come to some conclusions about what she should do.

Her problems came down to two very different issues – number one being Spike, number two being her friends.

She had woken up that morning alone in bed. Not that she had expected different. In fact, if Spike had stayed over and gotten trapped in her house due to the extreme sunshine outside she probably would have had a mental breakdown. She envisioned a whole day of having to shove him under the bed or into her wardrobe to keep Joyce from seeing him. Although, Buffy reasoned, her mother would probably be somewhat happy to see she had a “boyfriend”. Never mind that she and Spike would never have that kind of relationship or that he was an evil vampire. In fact, if Buffy remembered correctly Spike and her mother had actually got along quite well considering the circumstances. Joyce would beam and cook him breakfast in blissful ignorance. She cringed, just thinking about it.

However, her original train of thought had been leading her to a certain comparison; when she had awoken that morning alone, it reminded her of Angel. Of being abandoned. It was stupid, really. The thing she had with Spike was nothing like her relationship to Angel. Which, in a way, was a good thing. Buffy didn’t think she could handle another relationship based on that much angst and wanting and not having. It wasn’t “healthy”, as Giles had told her once. Of course, fucking an evil vampire probably wasn’t healthy either.

Spike was weird. She’d come to that conclusion. He wanted her and he could look at and touch her scars without being disgusted. It made her wonder, briefly, if perhaps Angel would feel the same way. If maybe he could look at her, at all of her, and how she had changed, and still have that same look in his eyes that he had always had for her – that she was perfect. Then she realised that she had answered her own query. Angel had always put her up upon a pedestal, holding her to ideals that she wasn’t sure she actually fulfilled. If he were to see her now, less than flawless, less than whole, he wouldn’t be able to take it.

A part of her noted that she couldn’t be sure how he’d react at all. But the doubt was enough. She wouldn’t call him. She wouldn’t ask him to come down to Sunnydale, simply because she feared his rejection.

But, God, how this is so not about Angel…Buffy scowled to herself, weaving between tombstones absently, stake in hand. It was about Spike. About how he was totally wrong for her. About how he was the antithesis of everything she was supposed to stand for. And, it was about how he actually made her feel like Buffy Summers again. Not the Slayer, just Buffy. She’d felt different, recently. A fraction of her old self-confidence returning. She’d been quipping, for god’s sake. She hadn’t quipped in a long time. It felt nice; to banter, to spar, to have some kind of conviction in herself, again. Buffy had begun to feel like maybe it didn’t matter that Spike was Mr. Wrong. The sex was good…very good…and it wasn’t like there was anyone around to stop her from doing what – or who – she wanted.

And that’s where her friends came into it. They wanted a reunion, all is forgiven, let’s be friends again. She should have resented them for trying to just sweep the past year of abandonment and separation under the carpet, but she didn’t. Buffy missed all of her friends so much that sometimes it physically hurt. She missed sitting in the Espresso Pump with Willow, dancing with Xander in the Bronze, bowling with Oz and training with Giles. Buffy knew if they found out about Spike, about her neglecting to tell them he was back in town, they might not be so quick to want to be best friends again.

They’d take it as a personal betrayal and they’d never understand her sleeping with him. They’d probably disown her.
So, she guessed, either she had to get rid of Spike and make up with her friends or let things continue as they were. Buffy had no idea what the hell to do.

Thankfully, a couple of vampires jumped her from behind, thus cutting off her increasingly annoying introspective mood. She tumbled to the floor, but her reflexes were fast and she rolled off to the side just as one of the vampires leapt at the space on the ground where she had been.

The Slayer jumped up and slammed the heel of her hand into the nose of the nearest vampire. He stumbled backwards, screeching, as blood sluiced down his face. Buffy took a step towards him, stake raised. Unfortunately, the other vampire had recovered and barrelled into the side of her, sending them both sailing down to the ground.

Buffy’s head truck the edge of a tombstone on the way down and pain exploded from behind her eyes. She must have blacked out for a few seconds because the next thing she was aware of was the slobbering vampire on top of her, holding her hair in one hand and her stake in another. He grinned and swung the stake down towards her heart. Buffy took a second to appreciate the irony before she braced herself for the pain.

Instead, all she saw was a heavy black biker boot slam into the side of the vampire’s head causing him to topple off her and drop the stake harmlessly by her side. Buffy’s gaze swept up to the owner of the foot. It wasn’t who she had been expecting.

“Buffy,” Jeremiah smiled down at her. “You looked to be in a bit of a precarious situation there, girl. I was worried.”

She sat up, clutching the side of her head. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Just lending a helping hand.” He replied.

“Why?” Buffy asked, incredulous.

“My mama always told me if a lady is in need, a proper gentleman will always do whatever he can to help her. Speaking of…” Jeremiah offered his hand to help her up.

Buffy scowled and grabbed the tombstone, using it to pull herself up, “Jeremiah! You are a vampire. I am a Slayer. You don’t help me.”

“Oh.” Jeremiah’s eyebrows knitted. “Good point.” He walked over to one of the tombstones slightly out of the way and lifted himself up, sitting on it. “I’ll just sit here and wait ’til you’re done”

Buffy rolled her eyes and was about to say something else when an arm wrapped around her neck from behind. She cursed herself for losing concentration so easily and shot an elbow back into the gut of the vampire behind her. Then for good measure she swept her arm up and knocked her fist into his face. The hold around her neck was released and she spun around, aiming a roundhouse kick to the vampire’s head. He went down and Buffy scooped up her stake, intent on finishing him.

The second vampire jumped onto her back, nearly sending the Slayer back down to the ground. Instead she stumbled forward a few steps and growled as the vampire started pummelling her about the head. Buffy shot her head up and backwards straight into the face of the vampire. It’s hold on her loosened enough so that she could simply shake him off and to the ground.

Buffy backed away a few steps so she could keep both of the vampires in her line of sight. In the corner of her eye she saw Jeremiah watching eagerly and she wondered why it was all the wacko vampires seemed to be attracted to her.

The vampires were both on their feet again, hissing at her and looking just generally pissed off. Buffy motioned them forward and they rushed her together. How unfair. The Slayer shrugged and jumped up in the air, lashing both her feet out simultaneously and striking both demons in the face. They both yelled out and fell to the floor. Buffy smiled to herself and dusted one as he attempted to sit up. The other vampire seemed to realise his days were numbered and tried to make a break for it. Buffy ran after him and shoved him hard in the back. He careened into a mausoleum and fell back to the ground, dazed. Then it was just a simple matter of dusting him, and brushing the dirt from her clothes.

Jeremiah jumped off the tombstone jauntily and clapped. “I liked that kick. I might try it someday.”

“How ’bout right now?” Buffy challenged, motioning to herself with her stake.

“Buffy, come on. You know I have no interest in fightin’ with you,” he took steps towards her, “not unless it’s a precursor to sex.”

She made a sound, “You wish.”

“I never wish. Got into trouble with a Justice Demon once, ’cos of a foolish wish. You shoulda been there. See, I wished that human blood tasted like ice cream and, I don’t mind telling you, I got mighty fat that decade –”

“Jeremiah!” Buffy interrupted him testily. “What are you still doing in my town?”

He clasped his hands behind his back, his face the very picture of confusion. “Why, whatever do you mean?”

“I told you I’d let you go one time. You should have left town, Jeremiah. Now, I’m gonna have to dust you.” She took a step towards him, stake ready.

“Oh, like how you dusted Spike, you mean?”

The Slayer opened her mouth then closed it again, before answering “Spike has nothing to do with this.”

“Really? I’m inclined to think he has everything to do with this.” He took another step towards her, “I know for a fact that he’s done far worse than me during his existence.”

Buffy shifted from foot to foot, “Oh yeah? You a Spike groupie or something?”

“Not hardly. A vampire like him tends to make a good deal of noise in my world. Second only to Angelus in his viciousness, I heard.”

She turned and started to walk away. For some reason she really wasn’t in the mood to get a lecture from a vampire about how her current boyfriend was almost as evil as her ex-boyfriend. Not that Spike was her boyfriend. Jeremiah, however, did not get the hint and came up to the side of her to walk with her.

He shook his head slightly. “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me, Buffy. I’m certainly not judging you; I don’t have the right to. It’s up to you who you sleep with. Even if I happen to think I’d make a much studlier vampire consort for you.”

Buffy snorted at that and kept walking, intent on getting home and shutting out the annoying vampire who just would not get the hint. She sighed. Her real problem was that she didn’t find Jeremiah annoying. If she was completely honest with herself, she kind of liked him. He’d done nothing untoward in front of her and he seemed like a nice guy. However, he wasn’t a guy. He was a demon. She could not start getting friendly with vampires. That was the road to career failure.

“So, how are things goin’ with you two anyway?”

Buffy turned and looked at him, disbelieving “Are you trying to ask me about my…involvement with Spike? Why are you even talking to me? Why aren’t you fleeing in terror or at least trying to kill me? I really do not understand vampires!”

“Woah, down girl.” He held his hands up. “I was just asking a simple question. You know, just because I’m a demon doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a bit of gossip. It’s so hard to engage people in conversation these days. They’re all too busy screaming and running for their lives, you know? Gets a guy down sometimes.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sure you’d prefer your victims to just stay still listening to your scintillating conversational skills while you drain them dry,” she rolled her eyes.

Jeremiah arched an eyebrow “That’s rich coming from you, girl. You make out like I’m evil to the core well your boyfriend is no better. So, what, it’s alright for him to kill but not me?”

“Spike’s not killing anymore.” Buffy blurted out in defence.

She wasn’t exactly prepared for the vampire next to her to burst out laughing in hysterical giggles. Buffy scowled and traipsed forward, quickening her steps in an attempt to lose Jeremiah as he almost doubled over with laughing. She was just so glad that her life was one big joke to a vampire, of all non-people. She gave a moment’s pause to staking him while he was unprepared for it but decided that she’d rather provoke him into fighting her. As it was, a dark blush had begun to creep up her neck towards her face at the implications of his mirth. He clearly thought she was nuts for believing Spike and, if she were perfectly honest with herself, she thought pretty much the same thing.

“Aw, come on now,” Jeremiah jogged up behind her. “I didn’t mean to be rude or anything. You just caught me by surprise, is all. Come on, Buffy, you can’t blame me. Spike not killing is like me saying I don’t go to church.”

Buffy looked at him, frowning. “You go to church?”

“Well, ’o course I do.”

“You do realise that God’s pretty much forsaken you, right? Hence the cross and holy water damage.”

Jeremiah shrugged, slowly. “Just because He has turned His back on me, doesn’t mean I’ve turned mine on Him.”

The Slayer made a sound. “You’re wacko, you know that?”

“Hey, I’m not the one making friendly with William the Bloody.” He pointed out. “Where’s your proof he’s stopped killing?”

She paused. “Well…the number of bodies…I mean, there hasn’t been any reported…any more than before he came, I mean.”

“Pretty shoddy reasoning, Buffy. I’m sure he’s more than capable of disposing of his dinner.”

“I’m well aware of the situation, Jeremiah. I don’t need advice from a vampire!” Buffy snarled storming ahead.

“Alright, alright. You always gotta bring up the vampire thing don’t y – YAAH!” Jeremiah screamed and dropped down out of sight.

The Slayer called over her shoulder, “Might want to watch out for that open grave.”

She carried on walking at a brisk pace until she left the cemetery, running over the seeds of doubt Jeremiah had sown, her mind in turmoil about Spike and the promise he had made her.
 

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