By Janna, May 2002
“So you'll give me what I want, make me what I
was so Buffy can get what she deserves,” I said firmly, excited that I would
be back to my old self once again.
“Very
well, we will return your… soul.”
Before I could say anything to the demon, his hand clutched my chest and light lit up the dark cave. I screamed in agony. When his hand left my chest, I fell to the ground. This was not what I had wanted. When I’d said I wanted to be restored to “as I was”, I meant without my chip. The chip was making me a wimp, a fluffy bunny. I’m a vampire, but the chip in my brain prevented me from hurting humans. It was making me love the Slayer instead of killing her. So I went to Africa, to this demon, to get the chip out. Instead he gave me a soul.
With my soul now, I felt pain. I remembered people dying, killing people. Trying to kill Buffy, trying to rape her. My chest hurt, as if my heart was beating again. I thought of Angel, who had been part of my vampire family until he got his bloody soul. Then he teamed up with Buffy and they fell in love. He wanted her to be able to have a good life, so he left town to live in Los Angeles. Angel was so moody with his soul. He was always unhappy because every moment of his life he remembered the people he’d killed. I used to think he was such a wimp.
But now I understood all too well. I’d hurt and killed so many people in all my undead vampire years, up until the time the chip was put into my brain by those bloody people at the military-based Initiative. But even with the chip, I still hurt Buffy. I clutched my stomach, feeling nauseous. I didn’t want a soul; I wanted to be purely evil!
The demon laughed deeply. I looked up at him, tears and anger in my eyes.
“I wanted you to take my chip out,” I managed to say. “You knew that.”
“You said you wished to be restored to how you were. You have your former soul now. You should be happy.”
I wanted to hurt that demon so much. But wait… Something was sinking in now. With my soul, I wouldn’t hurt Buffy. I realized this was perhaps what I’d really wanted all along. I was frustrated with loving Buffy and not being able to have her. I knew I wasn’t worthy of her, not as an evil vampire. She deserves someone with a soul. She gave me her trust until I proved myself unworthy of it. Now she hated me. When I was soulless, I thought this meant I should get my chip out so I could be truly evil and have my revenge. But now, I had a soul. Now I wouldn’t ever even think of hurting Buffy. I had a soul, like Angel. Buffy had loved Angel. Could she love me now?
I tried to forget the victims of my evil vampire days, but they plagued me nonetheless. The two Slayers I’d killed haunted me on my journey home to Sunnydale, California. I had killed those two girls who had only been trying to keep the vampire population down. Being a Slayer was something you were born into, you didn’t even have a choice about it. I tried to remind myself that I had been evil then. But if I was such a different person back then, how was it I could still remember everything so clearly?
When I walked into my crypt, Clem was there. Clem was a friendly demon I’d let take care of my crypt while I was away.
“Hey! Spike! Did you have a good trip?” the floppy-eared demon asked.
“Yeah. I guess,” I replied.
“Clem, is there any popcorn--?” Dawn started, walking into the room. She stared at me.
“Hey, Niblet,” I said, trying to smile a little. I really loved Buffy’s little sister, Dawn. I’d taken care of her while Buffy was dead during the summer, but when Buffy came back I sort of neglected her. I was too obsessed with Buffy to notice, I guess. I was really fond of the Lil Bit, though.
Dawn just looked at me angrily. “You’re back.”
I nodded. “Yep.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Well, I was only planning on being gone for a bit. I just had some stuff I had to do.”
“You missed a lot,” she said, arms across her chest.
“Yeah,” Clem added. “A lot of not-so-fun stuff happened. But some good stuff, too.”
“Yeah. Well, I’ll hear about it later, but right now, uh, I need to talk to Buffy. Do you know where she is?”
I could tell Dawn was still mad about me having had sex with Anya. I was mad at myself for that, too. But I hadn’t meant to, that’s not what I’d gone for. I’d wanted to get a spell that could make me fully evil again, but Anya and I had drunk some vodka, and she was feeling so bad about herself. That stupid bloke Xander had left her at the altar. Buffy had put an end to our weird relationship recently, too. So we were both feeling hurt and unwanted. Buffy told me to move on, so I did. I hadn’t meant to hurt her.
“Well, I’ll go check at the house?” Dawn still didn’t say anything, so I left.
I rang the doorbell at the Summers’ house. After a while, Buffy answered.
“Spike,” she said, surprised. Then, more unpleasantly and just like her sister, she said coolly, “You’re back.”
“I need to talk to you.”
“I’d prefer if you stay out there,” Buffy said. I didn’t blame her, not after what I’d put her through.
“I promise I won’t... hurt you,” I told her. She looked at me, confused. She looked at my sad eyes. Was it so obvious?
She opened the door more, and I started to walk in, only to feel the force of a space I wasn’t invited into. Vampires can only go into buildings they are invited into, even if it’s just a vague written welcome on a door.
“Come in, Spike,” she said, and I walked inside.
“You had Tara do a spell to keep me out?”
The Slayer’s eyes darted to the floor. “Tara’s dead. Warren shot her.”
“What? That bloody piece of…”
“He’s dead now. Willow killed him. It’s a long story. You left at kind of an inconvenient time. Anya did the spell. She has some of her vengeance demon powers back.”
I wanted to make Buffy feel better. I wished I could help her, but I knew she wouldn’t be able to trust me for a long time. I wished I could take back everything I’d done. My stomach started to hurt again. Tears trickled down my cheek despite myself.
Buffy look horrified. “What’s happened? What’s wrong with you?”
“I… I went to Africa to get my chip out.”
“What?” Buffy backed away from me, edging towards her big trunk of weapons.
“But I didn’t get it out. I mean, I tried to. I went to this bloody demon and went through all these tests. And I passed them. But the demon tricked me. He didn’t take my chip out for me. He gave me a soul.”
I, being stupid as I was, had thought Buffy might be happy when she heard this news. I thought she’d be glad I wasn’t an evil vampire. Buffy looked totally betrayed, though.
“You’re lying. You don’t…”
I looked down at the floor. The screaming and crying of innocent people filled my ears. I wished she would just stake me. I didn’t want to have to go through this. I looked at Buffy, and I could tell she knew I was telling the truth. She had seen a tortured soul in a vampire before.
“Oh my God. I can’t deal with this,” she cried, heading upstairs.
I went to the trunk of weapons. I pulled out a stake. Staking didn’t hurt much, I didn’t think. Even if it did, it’d be over soon. I’d rather die than have to live with this awful soul.
Just as the sharp wooden stick was about to penetrate my non-beating heart, I felt a hand clutch mine. Buffy pulled the stake out of my grasp, and pushed me to the floor.
“Stop it!” She flung the stake back into her trunk.
“It hurts,” I moaned.
“I know. I know. I heard about it all the time with Angel. How could you be so stupid?”
“I told you. I wanted to be evil. I wanted to get my chip out.”
“You were already evil,” she retorted. “The chip didn’t make you any less evil, it just prevented you from hurting people. You could still hurt me, though. If you wanted to kill me, you could have. Well, you could have tried anyway. Getting your chip out wouldn’t have changed anything. You would have just been able to also kill my friends and everyone else. I guess that’s what you wanted.”
“It prevented me from feeling truly evil. I was in love with you. Why would a vampire be in love with a Slayer? I’m supposed to kill you.”
“Maybe because you were better than your average vampire. Maybe you weren’t all evil. You had the ability to love. Even if it was in a sick and twisted way.”
“It doesn’t matter now. You hate me, I hate me. I have nothing to live for. I don’t want to make amends like Angel wants to; it’s too much work and pain. I just want to die.”
“I’m not going to have anyone with a soul die in this house. Understand?!” Buffy was certainly bossy. Ever since her mother had died, she had become the woman of the house. More sympathetically she said, “You’re just going to have to deal with it.”
“I don’t know where to begin dealing. All day and night I just hear screaming. I feel all the pain and suffering of all the people I killed. I know you’ve been through this before with Angel. But I just… It’s my first time. And it hurts too much. I can’t bear it.”
Buffy sat next to me on the floor. “Remember when you stopped me from killing myself? It was when that demon put a spell on Sunnydale and we couldn’t stop singing and dancing. Oh god, that was awful. But, anyway, I was so depressed about being taken out of Heaven by my friends. I wanted to go back to that peaceful, perfect place. But you told me that I could only heal my pain by living. You told me to go on living, so that at least one of us was living. You were always pushing me to live, since you didn’t have a choice about that. You wanted to live, Spike. I know you’re still undead, but having a soul can be something good. You can maybe finally feel compassion and true love again. Yeah, some things will hurt. But that’s what living is about. It’s worth it.”
I loved Buffy so much at that moment. I knew she didn’t love me back, at least not yet, but I was okay with that. I was happy enough just being with her. The memories of the people I killed will never leave my conscience, but I’m going to try to be a good person. I want to prove to the world and myself that I’m not just a monster; I can really be a man.