I try to remember how I used to sleep without Spike. It hasn't been long, but I'm finding it all but impossible to find any rest without him. Of course, thinking about him, imagining what's being done to him, well, it's not designed to give a restful sleep.

Against Giles' advice, I patrolled tonight. There was nothing too worrying around, just the usual fledglings, but I took out my fury on them. I just had to get rid of the energy that's filling me, desperate to get out, desperate to mete out punishment to whoever's got Spike.

Of course, lying here like this, it's giving me time to think back. I don't want to do it, but I can't help it. It's slightly better than imagining them torturing Spike, but one alternative is memories of me torturing him. I did it every way it can be done. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I pulled him apart, and it's only recently I've had the chance to put him back together again, or at least to start doing it. Despite that, he loved me. Every time I hit him, every time I told him he was worthless, every time I broke his heart, he loved me anyway.

I'm the Chosen one, a warrior for good. How could I have treated him so badly?

I need him so much, his absence is like part of me is missing. It wasn't so long ago I realised how much he meant to me, and thought he couldn't still love me, but I was wrong. His love is something precious, something I need like I need oxygen.

My hands are on my stomach again. I wonder if it's something I've always done, but been unaware of, or if it's just since I've known I'm pregnant. I imagine the baby, tiny and unrecognisable if I remember High School biology. Of course, I really didn't think it'd ever be me, with a child growing inside me. I love her. I love her so much it scares me. She needs me. I feel a pang of guilt when I remember patrol. I took risks. No, nothing too major, there really wasn't anything out there which was a significant threat, but I could have staked them quickly, without pounding on them first.

I suppose it's the demon in me that makes me do it, makes me love the fight. Except I think I always did.

When I finished patrol, I went to Willy's. I've asked there before, but I had to do it again. I had to find out if anyone knows anything about demons disappearing, or has any clue where they might be taken. All I got were shoulders shrugging, and comments that one or two regulars hadn't come in for a while, but no one seemed to think it was too unusual.

I turn over, desperate to find a position that will allow me to sleep, but in doing so, I spot the clock. It'll be light in half an hour, and I know I've got to go to work. I've offered to do some of Spike's job while he's gone. It's funny. I suppose it's hellmouthy, but when I called the Principal to explain that Spike won't be coming to work for a while, he accepted it without question. He seemed surprised when I offered to do some security checks and keep up to date with some of the projects I know Spike's working on.

Of course, the last thing I want to do is go to work, but I've got no choice. If it was just me, I'd leave, spend all my time trying to find Spike, but I don't have that luxury, not any more. I've got to think about Zara. If .. I hate to even imagine it, but if Spike doesn't make it, I'm all she's got. I don't earn a lot, but it's enough to keep us fed and clothed, and maybe, if I sell the house, buy something smaller, I'll be able to get all the things she's going to need.

The prospect of Zara being born into a world without Spike causes my eyes to fill with tears. I won't let it happen. I don't know how I'm going to prevent it, but I'm determined it won't happen.

I wish I could talk to him, let him know I'm doing my best to find him, but I can't.

I open my eyes, and scan the room. Spike's room. It's still rather bare, almost like a hotel room with its lack of personal items. I don't suppose he's had much time to do any nesting.

The word nesting scrambles around in my brain. It's something I need to start considering. Not yet, it's too early, but the baby's going to need so much. And I want to share the choosing with Spike.

It occurs to me for the first time that I don't know how Spike's going to react to fatherhood. I mean, it's not something he's considered for a long time. He was angry with himself when he realised we'd been together without taking precautions, but he didn't give me any real indication of how he would feel if it happened, beyond feeling guilty about what it would do to me.

Despite that, I just know he's going to be happy about it. I remember the dream, the look of complete awe on his face as he looked at the baby. He seemed happy. If he's not, .. No, that's not a possibility. He's going to love her, all the more so because he already does.

I remember Giles agreeing to meet Xander and Jenna at the Magic Box early this morning, before Xander goes to work. I know I'm not going to sleep now, so I get up, shower quickly, and go into the kitchen to see if there's any food. Buying food on anything like a regular basis hasn't exactly been a high priority for either Spike or me recently. I'm relieved to find some eggs, so I boil two and eat them with some toast made from bread that's a little hard, but showing no signs of mould. Whatever else I do today, I've got to do some grocery shopping.

I arrive at the Magic Box before anyone else, so I use the key Giles gave me so I can train, and let myself in. I go out to the training room, but I decide to leave the punch bag alone. In some ways it'd do me good to spend some time on it, but in others, I'd only need to shower after, and I'm dressed for work, not training, so I close the door behind me as I go into the main shop.

I'm faced with Anya, looking irritated.

"Oh, it's you. I thought someone had broken in, and was stealing all my stock. You shouldn’t frighten me like that," she chides.

I apologise, and turn to see Xander on her heals. It looks like they're mending their fences. I'm glad, for both of them. They were both so unhappy apart, but seeing them just makes me feel the lack of Spike even more.

Within minutes, Giles arrives with Jenna, and a box of doughnuts. I can't help myself, I've got to have one, even though I've already had breakfast. I've always had a good appetite, but this whole being pregnant thing seems to have put it up a notch. If I'm not careful, by the time the baby's due, I'll be huge.

We sit around the table, well, not Anya. She's much too busy making the store ready for opening to sit down, but I know she's listening.

"So, Giles, what's going on?" Xander asks.

"Well, I wanted to get together to let you know about Riley, and to discuss what we're going to do about him."

Xander's face darkens at the mention of the name, but he doesn't understand what's going on and says so.

Giles tells him, going through the details of his attempt on my life, and the information we gleaned from him before the energy started to take him over again. If there's something to be said for being brought up on a hellmouth, it's the fact that he doesn't once look as though he doesn't believe what he's being told. Well, unless you count the bit where he mentions that we're looking for a way to help him.

"I think we should just leave him as he is," he states. "If he's not a threat, he deserves what's happening to him, after what he did to Dawn."

"Xander," I butt in, "I would have said the same too a while ago, especially now we know the Initiative's got Spike, but there was something about him. When I think back, I suspect it was always there, but I didn't have the senses to really feel it. The others, in the Initiative, they had it too. They had a fear of demons that made them kinda crazy. I think that's why they see every thing so black and white. The fear that he'd become infected by a demon was completely overwhelming him. Like I said to Giles. I know fear. I feel it now, like another sense. I've rescued people who thought they were going to die, and I've felt their fear. What Riley was feeling the other night is so far beyond that, there's no way it could be natural."

"So, what are you suggesting?" he asks.

"Well," Giles goes on. "If we can't find Spike by any other means, maybe we can use Riley. I propose we all start to research a way to remove this energy from Riley. If we can do it in such a way that we can put it back if he dupes us, so much the better. I'm not saying I trust Riley, I'm just saying we're out of other options at the moment."

"So, any ideas? I mean, you've got to have something we can work on, right?" Xander's hopefulness is naïve, but almost heart-warming.

"Well, no, I'm afraid we haven't. Jenna's got her coven looking into their historical records, and we've got the books here. Between us, perhaps we'll .."

"Willow." It's a single word from Xander, but it gets our attention.

"Willow? I echo.

"Willow'll come up with something. She always does." His faith in her is undaunted.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea to get her involved in this," Giles advises. "We don't know how she's going to recover from her latest set back. What do you think, Jenna?"

"Well," the witch says after considering the question for a few seconds. "I'm inclined to agree with you, but for one thing."

"And that is?"

"I'm not sure we're going to have a choice."

Giles sighs, and Xander looks almost triumphant. I've got mixed feelings. I mean, regardless of everything else, Riley hates Spike. It's more than the whole 'demon hating' thing, too. With Spike, it's personal. The whole eggs fiasco proved that if nothing else. It wasn't enough for him to kill Spike, let's face it, Riley had opportunity enough. He had to destroy him, and making me think he'd decided to incubate a nest of demon eggs was pretty effective. I think he even expected me to stake him.

That memory reminds me of Spike's face when I told him it was over. His expression, even then, made me want to go to him, hold him. Walking out of his crypt that day is one of the hardest things I'd ever done, and it was all for nothing.

I return to the present, to find that the conversation's gone ahead. They're discussing Willow's imminent return from hospital.

" .. .. too soon. I told her, but she won't listen."

"I know, Xander," Giles replies. "But, you know Willow when she's made up her mind about something."

"Resolve face," I mutter.

"Well, yes," Giles agrees. "So, she'll be out of hospital tomorrow. I don't know how she thinks she's going to manage in that house, without her sight, but she's determined. They've offered to help with that, there're people who specialise in helping the newly blind acclimatise to their new way of life, but she's turned them down flat."

"Well," Xander begins, then stops.

"Well what?" I ask.

"When I went to see her yesterday, I'm pretty sure she could see."

Now, that's got our attention. "What do you mean? If there's been some change in her condition, they should have informed me, I'm down as her next of kin," Giles blusters.

"No, there's no change, I don't think. Look, it was Anya who made me see that I wasn't going mad, and I think she's right."

All eyes turn to Anya, who returns the look.

"Well," she states, in her best, 'you humans really don't know anything' voice. "Willow probably doesn't need her eyes to see. I mean, she's used them because she could. But, if they're damaged, she can probably see without them. It won't be the same, of course, and the detail seen varies from person to person, but I'm sure she can use her gift to see."

Giles turns his attention back to Xander.

"Xander, I think you'd better tell me what makes you think she can see."

Anya huffs at the way Giles has taken his attention away from her.

"Well, when I visited, she followed me round the room. I don't mean she got up and walked around, I mean, her head moved, so she was always looking towards me."

"She could probably hear you," I offer.

"That's what I thought at first," he counters. "But then, I tried to fool her, move quietly, but she always knew where I was. And then, two nurses came in, and she called them both by name."

"She must have known they were on shift," Giles suggests.

"No, she was surprised at one of them, but she had been asked to cover for someone else at the last minute."

"If you suspected something," Giles asks, "why didn't you mention it last night."

"Because it didn't make sense. It was only when I told Anya last night, and she suggested .."

All eyes flit back to the vengeance demon, who's now pointedly ignoring us.

"Anya," Giles calls.

"Oh, so you do want my opinion, then?" She bristles as she says the words. "I thought the opinion of a mere demon couldn't possibly be important enough."

Anya's words cut me, renewing the guilt I already feel for how I treated Spike. I get up and go to the counter. Her hands are on top of the unit, clenching the edge, and I grasp one in each of my own hands.

"I'm a demon too," I remind her.

She nods, relaxing a little.

"So, you think she's using, what, magic to allow her to 'see'?"

"It's been done before. There was a time, in some cultures, when babies would be blinded at birth to improve the development of the other sight. History has hundreds of examples of seers, and a disproportionate number of them were blind."

"Well," Giles says, taking off his glasses. "That changes things, I suppose. I'll see what I can discover when I visit her this morning."

"Meeting over?" Xander asks, getting up. "'Cos I've got a team starting a new job this morning, and I need to get over there and make sure everything's ready."

"And I'd better get to work," I add, following him.

"Yes, yes, that's everything." Giles' mind is obviously locked on Willow right now, and I suspect he's glad to be rid of us.

"Wanna ride, Buffy?" Xander asks, as he approaches Anya for a good bye kiss.

"Thanks," I say. "I've got a lot to do today, that'd be great."

"Buffy," Giles pulls his attention back to the present. "I know you're worried, but you've got to be careful not to get too tired. Did you sleep last night?"

"No, not much, " I admit.

"Well, don't take on too much at work. Jenna's going to get in touch with the coven later this morning, and if there's nothing hopeful there, then we'll broach the subject of Riley with Willow. We will get him back."

Giles' reassurance means a lot to me, and I run to him and give him a hug. He's really not sure what to do with that, but he returns it rather stiffly, before I disengage myself, and head for the door.

Once in Xander's car, I know he's got something to say. He keeps glancing at me as he drives, as if trying to gauge my mood.

"Out with it," I demand.

He has the grace to look sheepish.

"So, what have you got to say that you're afraid is going to make me hit you?"

"Well, Buff. I've been thinking. You know, about your news. That you're pregnant."

"And," I reply, trying to keep the edge of irritation out of my voice. I'm still waiting for the big Spike put-down.

"And, I just want you to know that I'll be there for you all the way."

I sigh with relief. I really don't feel like arguing with Xander right now.

"And you know," he continues, and I just know he's going to say something I don't want to hear.

"If.. if Spike doesn't make it, I'll be there for you. And, if he does, and, you know, doesn't want the .. responsibility."

The anger rises in me, but I do my best to keep my voice level.

"Stop the car."

"Buffy, I .."

"Stop the car."

He pulls into the kerb, and I go to get out, but he puts a hand on my arm.

"Buffy, you've got to admit it's a possibility. He's been a vampire for a century. It's not the ideal training for fatherhood."

Xander's words remind me of my own niggling doubt of earlier, but I realised it was stupid of me to doubt him.

"And remember what happened during that time. He looked after Dru - crazy Dru, staying with her, even when Angelus .. And then there's Dawn. He didn't know there was any link to him, but he cared for her, looked after her, loved her. When it comes to responsibility, I can't help thinking evil, undead Spike could teach some humans a thing or two."

I pull my arm out of Xander's grip, and get out of the car. I don't know what hurts more, the fact that Xander would think so little of Spike, or the fact that the same thought flashed through my mind. Spike loves our daughter. I know that. He loved her when she was an obnoxious teenager, and he'll love her as a baby.

I walk to school in record time, adrenaline fuelling my efforts. I just hope I don't get any sensitive types coming to me for counselling today, because I suspect I'll traumatise them if I don't manage to calm down

Another morning in the hospital. The problem with this place is there's too much time to think, too many questions, and no answers to be had.

When I woke to a world of darkness, I felt it was deserved. I knew I'd allowed the darkness to take me again, although the reasons weren't clear. It seemed fair that the world should be dark too.

Over the days since then, they've explained how I was injured, and how they're amazed at my recovery. Giles thinks it's the magic that's done it, working from the inside, so its effects were hidden until almost complete.

The doctors don't know about my eyes. They think they might recover over time, but I suspect that's only because I've defied all their experience so far.

Of course, the prospect of being blind terrified me at first. The first couple of days were like a nightmare, and it was all the worse for being deserved. Then things started to change. It crept up on me without my even realising it. Almost like it'd always been there, but I'd been so used to ignoring it, that I didn't know it was there. I can see people. I can't see the colour of their eyes or their hairstyle. I can't see what they're wearing or whether or not they're smiling. I can see how they feeling, only in crude terms just now, but I think there's a lot more information that I just need to understand. It's going to take some learning.

I don't know how far this new 'sight' of mine can reach, or what else it might be able to do. When I've tried to push the sense beyond the room I'm in, I tire quickly, but I don't know how much of that is simply because I need practice, or because I'm not as strong as usual.

I sense inanimate objects, but don't get a lot of information on what they are. I might be able to do more of that, but it's going to take time. Still, it should be enough to stop me tripping over things too much.

I haven't mentioned this new sense to anyone yet. I know, it's cowardly, but I'm scared of their reaction. If it's the magic, and I'm using it, they're going to be scared that I'm out of control again.

I've been allowed up to walk around the room, and apart from a bit of residual pain and a lot of stiffness, that's ok.

The one thing I've had to rely on others for is how I look. I know, after what I've done, allowing the darkness to take me, I don't deserve a pretty face, but it's something you get used to. Even back in High School days, before I was happy with my body, I was always glad that my face seemed good. Well, to me, anyway. And Tara. And everyone says it's fine. I can't feel any scarring, so I suppose I've got to believe them.

It's hard that I can't think of Tara without remembering what I've done in her memory. I tried to end the world once. The second time, I'm not so sure what happened. I know I started a fire, destroying everything I had left of Tara's, but I think there was more to it than that. It's like there's something in my mind, but it's behind a locked door, and I've lost the key. I think it's got something to do with Buffy's sister.

Now that's really weird. It seems there's this girl, and I knew her, cared for her, but she has no part in my memory at all. It gives me a little taster of how Tara must've felt when I meddled with her memory. It's hard not to hate myself for that, and the only thing that stops me is the knowledge that she forgave me.

I sense him coming before the door opens. Giles walks in, and I notice he's alone.

"Xander had to go to work," he explains.

"Yeah, he said."

"So, how are you feeling this morning?"

"Good. Really looking forward to getting home. The doctor's coming in a while, and if he gives the ok, I should be able to leave right away."

"That's fine. I can take you home. I've arranged with Buffy that Jenna and I will stay with you for a while, but you may need to consider moving to somewhere smaller."

"Why?"

"Well, in the short term, if you can't see, somewhere smaller might be easier."

There's a note to his voice that tells me he's fishing for information. Maybe I've not been so good at keeping secrets as I thought. I decide to ignore it, for now anyway.

"I'll be ok, Giles," I reassure. "But you said that as if there's another reason."

"Well, perhaps there is, but it's not my place to tell you."

"Oh," I reply, and I'm getting such mixed signals from Giles that I can't work out whether it's good news or bad. "So, any news on Spike?"

"Sadly, no. We tried some further spells, but there's no sign of him. We followed his trail, but it disappeared in the middle of nowhere."

I know I'm knitting my brows as I consider this. The spell they must have used to follow his trail is foolproof if you can get it to work. It's pretty advanced, though, and I've never tried it. Suppose I've never wanted to find someone that badly.

"So, how's Buffy?"

"She's coping, but I can't say she's coping well. I never thought I'd say this, but she needs him."

"I must admit it seems a bit odd to hear you saying that."

He smiles wryly at me. "Yes. After everything she went through with Angel, you'd think a vampire would be the last thing she'd need, but especially now.."

I thought he was going to go on, but he stopped. I suppose it's whatever it's not his place to tell.

"So, you got the sofa again?" I joke.

"At Buffy's? No. I er, I've got Buffy's room - the one you and .. you used to have. I've taken it because I can move out quickly if Buffy wants it back. You've got Buffy's old room, and Jenna's going to use Dawn's room."

"So, where's Buffy sleeping?"

"She's using Spike's flat. I think she's finding it easier to be there. I suspect she finds our concern for her a bit more than she can take."

There's silence then, until Giles glances at his watch. "Did the doctor give any indication of when he would be coming?"

"Eleven, I think."

"Oh."

I hear him getting up and moving around the room. Of course I can feel him too. He's a strange mixture of dependable logic and emotion. Emotionally, there's concern for Buffy, and some fear too.

"Riley tried to kill Buffy the other night."

I didn't see that one coming.

"Because she's not human any more?" It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

"No, oddly enough. I don't think he knew that. No. You know what I told you about when Dawn left. The fact that it happened too soon?"

"Yeah, so there would've been some energy left over."

"Exactly. Anyway, I believe, that energy, or at least some of it, took refuge in Riley Finn."

"And?"

"And that energy seems to want Buffy dead."

"Why? Revenge? It's energy, surely it's not intelligent."

"Well, it almost seemed that way. But, no, it's not revenge. You see, we think that Dawn was sent from the future. She's still to be born, and so Buffy and Spike still have to keep her safe. If she dies before the time comes for her to travel back in time, she won't be able to become the Key, and it's possible Glory will find the energy and release it, as she planned. How that will affect the Orb energy is anybody's guess, but I can't help but think we won't care very much by then."

"So it's trying to rewrite history?"

"It looks that way."

"So, what about Riley?"

"Jenna has him incapacitated. He's terrified of the energy that's forcing him to do things. We managed to talk to him without his 'visitor' for a while, and he's offered to help us get Spike back if we can remove it."

"Has Jenna got any ideas?" I ask, a glimmer of an idea in my head.

"No. The coven seems to have come up blank too. If you felt up to it, do you think you could consider researching a solution? When you get home, of course."

He stops short, and I feel his regret. "I'm sorry, Willow. I forgot. You .. you won't be able to read, at least not without translation into Braille or something."

"There are other ways to research," I point out. "Look, I can't read a book, but it should be possible to come up with a simple spell to read for me. I'm not sure how to get around some of the details, but I'm sure Jenna will be able to help."

"Oh, really?" Giles sounds much brighter.

I can't see him, but I know he's cleaning his glasses. That normally means he's working out how to say something.

"Willow," he begins. "When Xander was here yesterday, he got the impression you could see."

"Well, I can't." I move my hand in front of my sightless eyes to prove the point.

"No, Willow, not with your eyes, with your magic."

Now, either Xander's a lot cleverer than he's seemed, or he's had help with that. Anya, of course.

"Well, I can't see, exactly .."

There's no point in lying. I explain what I've discovered of this side-effect of my blindness. He listens patiently, and to my relief, there's no increase in the fear that's part of him. The longer he's been here, the clearer it's been that the fear isn't for himself, but for others.

"Well," he continues when I finish my explanation. "That's interesting. We should find out exactly what you can do with this sight."

I sense someone else approaching, and turn my head towards the door. It doesn't change what I can perceive, but it's habit. Giles catches the gesture, and turns too, to see the doctor coming in, followed by a nurse.

"I'll leave you for a moment," Giles offers, heading towards the door.

"Thank you Mr. Giles. I shouldn't be long, and when I'm finished, you can take Miss Rosenberg home."

*-*-*

I wait outside, and get down to some thinking. Certainly there's no hint of darkness about Willow. I am concerned at the way her magic seems to be acting without her control. The healing, well, it's unprecedented. That she could do that without conscious thought is amazing, and not a little disturbing. Now there's this sight of hers. Of course, I don't know how much of that is unintentional.

Jenna is hopeful that without any further intervention, Willow will be able to return to normal, or as near as she can. There's still the possibility that she can be used as a weapon, and we've got to try to find a way round that.

I'm hoping Jenna can stay for a while. Willow needs her help, and she needs female companionship - not in a sexual sense, I mean, .. With Dawn gone, and Buffy wrapped up in the search for Spike, and the baby of course, she's not going to have much time for Willow. There's Anya, of course, but I can't see that working. Anya's become a strange mixture since she reverted to being a demon. On one hand, she's proud of her status, and will challenge any suggestion that she's less than human. On the other, she's sure that's exactly what we do think, and I can see it's tearing her apart.

I wonder at Xander. Remembering how vehement he's always been about the evil of demons, it's hard to reconcile them being together. I wonder how he's done it. I've tried to talk to him, but he's, well, giddy. He seems giddy at the fact that Anya's giving him another chance, but I also sense he's walking a tightrope. One false step, and Anya'll be out of his life forever.

The door to Willow's room opens, and the doctor approaches.

"Miss Rosenberg is just going to get dressed, and then she'll be ready."

"Thank you," I answer.

He's hovering, and I know he wants to say more.

"I really would like to write up Miss Rosenberg's case, but she's told me she'd rather I didn't."

"Then, I've got to say you should respect her wishes."

"I was hoping, you could persuade her to change her mind."

"That shows how little you know your patient. I really don't think her mind can be changed once she's decided something like this, and I've got to say that I support her decision. She needs to put this behind her, and get on with the rest of her life."

"I see," he replies, disappointment evident in his voice. "This case is so unique, but, naturally, I'll abide by her wishes."

He shakes my hand, and leaves, just as Willow's door opens, and a nurse beckons me in.

Willow's standing beside her bed. Her stance is a little stiff, but she looks remarkably well.

"Ok, Willow, you've got your pain medication?" she asks.

Willow smiles back, gesturing to her bag. "Check."

"And you've got an appointment for a check up in a week."

"Got it."

"We can decide then if you need anything further. Right, then, off you go."

She takes Willow's arm and leads her to a waiting wheelchair. I can see from the expression on Willow's face that she's not happy about that, but she's resigned.

With visible relief, Willow gets out of the chair and into my waiting car. She's moving stiffly, but shows no obvious sign of pain, but I suspect she's not going to let me see that anyway.

"I expect Xander'll be round after work," I say in an attempt to start a conversation. I wonder when I started finding it difficult to spend time with Willow. Even after the first time, when she tried to end the world, I could talk to her. We spent a lot of time together while we were in England, and for the most part I found her good company. Of course, she's intelligent. Sometimes I think that's part of her trouble. She's driven to achieve. I suppose it's her background. She has a good deal of intelligence, and she's been largely neglected by her parents. Probably the only way she could get any attention from them was to excel academically.

Then she took up magic, and of course, she had to put everything she had into it. In that case, it wasn't her parents' approval she wanted, it was Buffy's. Well, perhaps not Buffy's approval, but she certainly wanted to feel she was contributing to the Slaying effort.

"It'll be good to see him," she answers. "Of course, I've seen him most days since I woke up anyway. He's a good friend. I'm glad he and Anya are working things out."

"Yes, he certainly seems happier."

When I glance at her, I notice her eyes are closed. She seems intent on something, possibly she's trying out her new senses outside of the hospital for the first time. I decide to concentrate on driving and leave her to her own explorations.

When we pull up outside the house, she immediately opens the door and gets out. I run round to help her, only to have her bat my arm away impatiently.

"I know where I am," she insists.

I stay close to her as she walks up the path towards the front door. She's certainly chosen the right route, but I'm hovering close just in case.

I open the door with the key from my pocket, and we go inside. She walks straight into the lounge, and finds the sofa easily. She sits down with visible relief, and pulls her feet up.

"That was tiring," she comments. "But pretty successful. I'm gonna have to take things easy for a while, but I think it's going to work"

"Willow, maybe if it tires you that much you shouldn't use this sight." I'm concerned, because she really does look tired.

"Giles, the doctor told me it'd be a while before I got back to full strength. He said I'd tire easily, and I think I'm as much tired by the short walk as I am from the other thing. I'll be fine, I promise I won't do too much."

"Good," I reply. "I've got to call Jenna, let her know you're home. Once Xander gets here this evening, I'll go and bring over Jenna's things, and she can move in properly."

She nods, but I can see that she's sleepy. I leave the room quietly, hoping that she'll rest if she needs it.

When I get back from the call, she's asleep. I pop out to the car to retrieve some books, and I set myself up in the dining room to do some serious reading. Something I came across the other day hints that the spells used to take the Key energy and put it into Dawn came from a particular text. I don't have a copy of that, and I've sent out requests to everyone I know who might. What I do have are a number of texts which refer to it, and I'm going to comb through them. There might be some indications of the type of spell needed, even if there are not enough details to actually perform it. I refuse to consider the fact that we have no idea how to make a receptacle for this energy. We can only proceed one step at a time, and hope that we succeed.

I must've slept. I mean, there's not a lot else to do here. Lay down after my chat with Jacob and had a good think. They haven't killed me, so they need me for something. Sooner or later, they'll let me out of this place, and when they do, I've got a chance to put things right. Until then, well, might as well conserve my energy.

No dreams this time. I'm almost disappointed. Scratch that, I'm bloody disappointed. Seems like Niblet's been visiting me while I sleep a lot lately, and when she can give me dreams like that last one, well, of course I'm disappointed. Only thing better than that would be for it to be real.

I think the sizzle woke me, 'cos when I open my eyes, Jacob's gone. Funny bloke. Well, maybe bloke isn't the right word, but it'll do. Hate to admit it, but he kind of reminds me of William. Of everything I despise about William. The way he believes the best of people. The way he wants to do the right thing. The way he thinks he can fix things, with nothing more than his intellect as a weapon. He doesn't stand a bloody chance, but ..

So, I'm on my own again. Wonder how long it'll be. I'm not left wondering for long, because there's another sizzle, and there's something in here with me. Gas canister, and it's filling the air with something. For a fraction of a second, I wish I was still a vampire and didn't need to breathe, but then, they wouldn't be using it then, now would they? Then ..

***

Ok, hangover. No, not a hangover, 'cos I haven't been drinking. Feels like one, though. Worse than a hangover. Maybe a hangover while the chip's zapping my poor noggin. I open my eyes carefully. I'm in a cage. There aren't any bars, but I know a cage when I see one. This one's made of some clear material, but its purpose is obvious - to keep me inside.

My head's spinning a bit, so I sit myself up slowly. I'm not alone. Massive great Fyarl demon's dozing a few yards away. Still seems sound asleep, so I look around a bit more. Then I see her. Sitting on the other side of the partition. Dawson. The after-effects of whatever they zapped me with disappear instantly in a wave of fury. I'm on my feet and throwing myself at her. Needless to say, the partition doesn't give in any way. Dawson doesn't even flinch.

"Hello, Hostile 17," she greets me.

The sound that answers her couldn't be called language.

"Now, now, don't be like that. You're very interesting, you know that? First, you're the only vampire who survived the chipping process. You actually adapted to it, finding another way to live. Very clever of you. But the rest? Well, I can't even start to understand how you've done it. I mean, no chip, you're warm, you breathe, and you don't need the sun-block any more. We'll be having a chat later, and you're going to tell me all about how you did that. In the meantime, we're going for a practical test. The people in the lab tell me you should be just as strong as you were before, but I wanted to see for myself. Got you a special treat. Hostile 347's been around for a while, and he's never come close to losing a fight. He's unusually aggressive, and he seems determined to kill anything that isn't him. If you manage to survive, we'll have a little chat. If you don't, then there's probably no point."

"You've taken your samples, you've got all the information you're going to get," I tell her, my voice a whisper.

"Oh, I don't think so. There are a lot of ways of getting information. There's always a post mortem exam, and I suspect you'd actually have something left to examine now, but I'm betting on your will to live. I think that's why you survived the last time. You had the strongest will to live. You'll fight, and you'll do what you have to do so that I don't kill you."

I shake my head, but as I do so, I remember the Bit's words. I've got to be strong. Buffy needs me. She needs me - Zara. Or is it just a cruel deception to keep me fighting, keep me suffering when there's nothing left for me?

I swallow, my brain trying to make sense of conflicting feelings. More or less believed the dream before, and what's changed? Nothing, except seeing that bitch outside. She didn't send the dream. Wasn't her style. Oh, I don't doubt she could do it, but maybe it'd take her a bit more time than she's had so far.

I'm pulled from my thoughts by a growl that signifies that my companion's waking. He's pulling himself to his feet faster than I managed, and he doesn't look happy to see me. Before I know it, he's charging towards me, and I know I've only got two choices. Kill or die. So, I decide to kill.

***

I pull his head, and hear the satisfying crunch that tells me I've broken his neck. I collapse on the ground, my breathing heavy, and excruciating due to the broken ribs. I suspect my face's a mess too. Certainly got hit there enough. That Fyarl was strong. Can't remember when one of them took me that long. I don't have any problem believing he's killed a lot of demons for them. Neat trick, that. Getting demons to kill other demons. Saves them getting their lily-white hands dirty.

"I knew you wouldn't disappoint," she says. I'd almost forgotten she was there. I ignore her and stay where I am, getting my breathing under control and trying not to wince. Don't want to let her know I'm hurt.

I hear a sizzle, and the Fyarl's gone. A couple of seconds later there's a bag filled with blood in its place.

"Very useful contraption," she comments. "We can effectively transport anything anywhere on this base, as long as it goes by way of the universe you will come to know as home. And soon, we'll be able to get around that little restriction. Jacob's no doubt told you his story. It won't be long until we have the master control unit, and when we do, we'll make our own units, with appropriate modifications."

I maintain my silence, but I reach for the blood and drink it quickly. I've already made up my mind about that. It might be drugged, but if I'm going to take advantage of any opportunities that turn up, I need to be strong.

"So, 17, what have you been up to since you were last where you belong?"

There's a pause, which I'm not about to grace with a comment.

"Not telling, eh? I thought you knew better than that. Remember last time? You learned then. Did exactly what you were told, in the end."

She's still waiting for a reply. I don't even look at her.

"Oh, I see. You think that because you don't have the chip any more, I can't hurt you. I think it's time for a demonstration."

I glance up and notice for the first time that she's sitting at a console. Her attention is on that, but I can't see what she's doing. There's a sound, it's filling my ears, a humming, getting louder, and then the pain hits. It seems to affect every nerve in my body simultaneously, yet I can't scream. Even those muscles are stretched taut in agony.

I don't know how long it went on, but I'm panting with the aftershocks.

"You see, I don't need the chip any more. The chip's electronic, and it was never going to last forever. It was only a means to an end, and I don't need it now. You were conditioned to react to some external signals. Sounds, pictures, faces. You remembered some things when you saw my face the other day, didn't you?"

She's still waiting for a reaction, and this time I give her one. I throw myself towards her. I know I'm not going to get her, but I want her to be under no misconceptions about my intentions if I ever get free.

This time she flinches away. Just a fraction, but I see it. It's a small victory, but we both know that's what it is.

"Sooner or later, that pain will start to destroy your brain," she tells me. "It's a disadvantage of the system, but it can't be helped. We already knew you were resistant to pain, so we had to maximise the output. I must admit, I thought that level would render you unconscious. I'm impressed. So, why don't you tell me what you've been up to? Or, why don't I give you a few minutes to think about it."

She hits a switch on the console, and there's another noise. This one doesn't give pain. It's pleasure, low level, leaving every nerve humming expectantly. She glances at me, then gets up and leaves the room. I try to get my brain in gear. I know she can break me. So, I've got to tell her something. I've got to tell her enough for her to think she's got me, but not so much that I endanger my girls. But what? I mean, glowing girls? She's going to believe that one, now isn't she? But then, how else do I account for it? I can hardly give her a recipe for turning any old vampire into another one of me.

She's coming back, and I've made my decision. I'll tell her about my trip to Africa, but I'm going to spin a line about the soul. I'll tell her the soul I won was incompatible with being a vampire, so they gave me a different body. No mention of Dawn, of needing to keep her safe.

***

I don't suppose it was a long session. In the end, she seemed worried at the amount of damage the pain would do to my brain, so she backed off, commenting that the cumulative effect would have a greater effect on my reticence. I decided to play hard to get. I know what I'm going to tell her, but I'm feeding it a bit at a time, and I made her wait for the first instalment. If I give her what I want to too quickly, she's going to know there's more. There's not been a lot of pleasure, just the pain whenever she wasn't happy about my answers. She gave up in the end, and sent me back, and I'm right back where I started. She enjoyed it, that much was obvious. Even through the partition, I knew she found it exhilarating. I wonder what her plans are for me when I'm no longer needed here. Somehow, I don't think death is too high on her list.

Jacob's back, too. He looks bad. There're what look like bruises and cuts over all the skin I can see, and he looks a very odd shade. He's out of it, though, and I'm not about to disturb him 'cos he looks like he needs some peace.

I'm angry. Furious that they treat demons like that without thought. I know, I've killed demons, but only when they threaten me, or someone I care about. There're enough demons around whose only thought is the pain and suffering of others, and there're more who consider the rest of us to be no more than food. I get that. That's how I used to think, too. But there're others, too. Clem, for example. Cheats at poker, but don't know anyone who knows him who'd say anything worse. They've no right to put all demons in one bundle. It's like saying all mammals are the same, and because some are dangerous, they should all be wiped out.

I'm not saying I don't deserve it. I do, I know that. If it wasn't for Buffy and Zara, I'd just let them kill me. I swear I'd not even fight back, but they don't just threaten me. It's the others, the ones who don't threaten anyone, that's what I object to. And I know Buffy understands that now. So, why can't these morons work it out?

It seems funny walking up to my own front door. It's not so long ago it was home, but it doesn't feel like it any more. I'm so overcome with the feeling that I almost knock, but then change my mind. Instead, I open the door and walk in. For an instant, I find I'm listening for Dawn yelling her welcome from upstairs. That's one of the reasons I decided to go stay at Spike's. There aren't any memories of Dawn there. This house is full of them.

I shake off the ghosts, not only of Dawn, but of Mom, too, and head into the lounge where I can hear voices.

Willow's sitting on one side, with Jenna sitting opposite. Giles occupies a chair close to Willow, and I sit next to Jenna on the sofa. A few moments later, Xander arrives, with Anya, and they take seats, although I notice that Anya makes sure to sit where Xander can't get too close. He looks lost for a second before sitting on the third seat of the sofa.

"So, what's the news from the wiccans?" Xander asks.

"Willow thinks she has an idea. Some of it looks good, but the rest, well, I have some concerns. It'd probably be best if I let Willow explain," Jenna tells us.

Willow's looking on top form. The redness in her exposed skin has faded dramatically since she's been home, and it's obvious that she'll soon look as she did.

"Well, the information Giles got looks good. I think we'll be able to use a spell very close to what the monks used to put the Key energy into Dawn to take it from Riley. Jenna's quite ok with that too, aren't you?"

All eyes flick to Jenna and she nods.

"So, the difficult part is what we do with the energy. I know Jenna and the coven had been considering various mystical receptacles, but they haven't found anything."

There's another nod from Jenna, this time accompanied by pursed lips.

"Well, you know what happened to me. I mean, I don't remember a lot of it, but I know Jenna explained it to me. Something happened to me, before the fire. I've got a reservoir for mystical energy inside me, that's bigger than she's seen before. She tried to fill it up with something to make sure I can't take on dark magic again, but there's still a lot of room left."

I can see where this is going, and I don't like it. Before I can even move to complain, Willow holds up a hand. "Buffy, just wait, please. There's more, and all I'm asking is that you listen."

"Ok, so I had a good look at Riley last night. Funny thing is, I wouldn't have known it was Riley if you hadn't told me, because all I could see was the energy. It's purply and it's evil. But, and this is the important thing, it's not too big, at least not right now. I think I can take on enough earth energy, earth magic, to neutralise it, and then take the orb energy. When they get together, they'll cancel out, and it'll be gone. Poof, just like that."

She stops, knowing that our attention has transferred to Jenna.

"What do you think?" Giles' voice is quiet, but it's obvious he's concerned.

"Well, I'm reasonably confident about the spell," she begins. "And, I'm sure that Willow could contain the Orb energy. The problem is that I don't 'see' the energy the way Willow can. I've got no way to estimate the size of the problem, and therefore no way to work out how much earth energy would be needed to neutralise it. And, particularly, if there's an element of intelligence inherent in the energy, we don't know how it will react. As I understand it, when the Orb was breached, all of it didn't go towards the Key. Some of it infected this Riley. Now, did it have some knowledge of how strong the Key was, and knew exactly how much was available for elsewhere? Because if so, we're going to have to swamp it with so much earth energy that there's no possibility of the same thing happening again. The last thing we need is for someone present at the time to be similarly infected."

"But, what about Willow?" Xander voices his concern.

"I think I'll be ok," she reassures.

"But we don't know that," Jenna adds.

"And apart from the danger to Willow, there's the possibility that we would simply release Riley from the energy to have it entrap Willow. While Riley can be restrained, I wouldn't like to have to restrain her. I'm not even sure I could if it became necessary."

"It'd certainly be a lot more difficult," Willow agrees. "But it's not going to happen. I can do this, I know I can."

"I don't doubt you can do it, Willow," Giles' voice is soft, but steely. "But the level of control needed is such that, there is just too much chance of something going wrong."

I haven't spoken during the exchange. I feel as if my only chance of getting Spike back is slipping away.

"So, what do we do?" I ask. "Because Spike's still in trouble. I need to get him back, and I'm not going to stop until I've done that. Is there some way we can modify this plan to make it an acceptable risk?"

"As far as I'm concerned, the risk is already acceptable," Willow counters.

"No, Willow." Xander is annoyed, and it's obvious from his stance. "No matter how much Spike has changed, there's no way I'm going to stand for us risking you to save him."

"That's not your decision," Willow reminds him.

"Maybe not, but surely no one here could agree to it." He looks at me accusingly as he speaks. He's waiting for me to back down.

"Xander, I know you don't like Spike. You never have. But, if we don't get him back, .."

The mixture of rage and fear that's engulfing me has made it impossible for me to finish that thought.

"We don't need Spike. You don't need Spike. We'll help you, the rest of us. And when we find another way to free Riley from the energy, he'll help too. He still cares about you, you know that."

"Xander," Anya intercedes. "Be quiet. Of course Buffy needs Spike, and so does the baby. And I wouldn't be at all surprised if you didn't find him useful to have around in the end. It's back to our old problem. You can't cope with any man having a role in Buffy's life that's more important than yours. That's been your problem all along. Now, I agree that we should find ways to minimise the danger to Willow, but we've got to go with this plan. And if you're too short-sighted to see that, then you'd better go home tonight, because I don't want you with me."

Xander's mouth is open in disbelief. He's looking around dumbfounded, waiting for someone to contradict her, but it's not happening.

"I'm not sure I would have put it that way," Giles interrupts, "But, I have to agree to some extent. The information we have points clearly to Spike being important. I don't want to sacrifice or take any unreasonable risks with Willow, but we've got to do something. Given this basis, we may be able to come up with some sort of safeguard. I suggest we research some more, and see what we can come up with."

"I've been out of the loop a bit," admits Anya. "But, this energy that's needed to counter the Orb energy. Can you describe it a bit better? Because, there are sources of energy I could get access to, you know, if it was important?"

"I'm not staying here to listen to you finding a way to destroy my oldest friend," Xander warns, standing up to leave.

"Xander," Willow stands and approaches him. "I'm not looking to be a martyr here. I'm not going to do anything I can't handle. Don't you believe that?"

"No, Willow, I don't. Not any more. There's been so much recently, and I'm not sure you can handle this sort of power any more. I'm not going to help you to do this, and I'm not sure I can be around to pick up the pieces any more, either."

He walks out of the door, leaving Anya looking irritated, and Willow unbelievably sad.

Anya approaches Willow, and the two talk softly for a few moments. When they finish, Anya nods her understanding, the she comes to sit beside me. She puts an arm around my shoulders, but it's too much for me. She's the only one who's offered that sort of support since Spike was taken, and when I think about how I used to treat her, I'm ashamed. For so long, she was Xander's girlfriend, and as such, she was tolerated. Her strange ways were irritating, and her habit of discussing her sexual experiences embarrassing. I never spotted what was under that - the genuine warmth and caring that underlies all the idiosyncrasies.

I hide my face in her shoulder, trying to breathe deeply and regain control. I'm the Slayer. I'm not supposed to crumble under pressure. I've got to stay strong for the rest of them, but I feel anything but strong.

I slowly become aware of Giles. He's fidgeting, embarrassed by the emotional display. Willow doesn't seem to have moved. I lift my head to see her watching me with concern on her face.

Anya sits back and takes a look around the room. "I'm going to go and see what I can find," she announces. "If I find some sort of neutralising energy that's likely to work better than simple earth energy, I'll find a way to bring it back."

With that, she stands up, and without any dramatic gesture, she disappears.

"I'd do it now, you know," Willow reminds me.

I know she means it as a consolation to me. I don't know how much she's worked out about what happened before the fire, but if she can feel what I'm feeling, she knows that I don't trust her as I once did. I get up and walk towards her, leaning in to give her a hug.

"I know, Willow. And I don't want to waste any time getting Spike back, but if there's some way to increase the chance of success, we've got to take it, so we'll wait for a while, ok?"

She nods, and gives me a shy smile that's reminiscent of the Willow I first knew - the one who couldn’t believe that someone who Cordelia Chase spoke to would also speak to her. She's come so far since then, but in so many ways, she's exactly the same. She's still basically insecure inside, all the confidence and arrogance that she's showed over the past couple of years are just a cover for the insecurities she's always felt.

I want to put everything that's happened between us aside, and go back to the way things were. It'll never happen, though, because we're both different. She's lost Tara, and I've got Spike and a baby on the way. Things might never go back, but maybe we've got the chance to build a new sort of friendship. I don't know, but I do know I've got to try.

Anya's been gone for a week. At least, I haven't been able to contact her in that long. It hurt they way she made it clear that she thought I was wrong.

I know, I haven't always been too friendly to demons. It might just have something to do with the number of them that seem to have taken a personal dislike to my continued life. But, I was dealing with her new status. I really was. And, I was trying to cope with Buffy being with Spike. Of course, when it comes to that relationship, only half the problem has to do with Spike being a demon. The other half is just because he's Spike.

I hated the way he waltzed into our lives, after all the attempts to kill us, and still thought we'd want him around. I know, he's been useful, but from my point of view, that usefulness hasn't made up for the annoyance factor.

So, when it seemed to me that they were suggesting we sacrifice Willow for Spike, naturally I'm going to object. It's not that I object to rescuing Spike as such, it's just that I'd put him at the bottom of the list. I mean, I wouldn't want to risk Willow, Buffy, Anya or even Giles.

I thought for the first few days that Anya was just avoiding me. Then I found out that the others hadn't seen her, and that Giles was back in the Magic Box full-time because Anya was off looking for an alternative to Willow's plan.

I've been hanging around at the shop all week after work. Ok, nothing new there, I know. Willow's been there a lot too, saying she wants to get out of the house. That means Jenna's there too, and Buffy has been coming in after work. They've all been researching alternatives to Willow's plan, but they haven't come up with anything.

Buffy seemed a little strange with me the first couple of times we met after the argument. I've done my best to show her that I want to help rescue Spike, just not to risk one of my friends, and she seems to have accepted that, in a tired, rather understated way.

That's pretty much the way she's taking everything these days. She looks more tired than I've ever seen before, and I've seen her post-apocalypse tired. Sometimes you see her sitting there, staring into the distance, and you just know she's thinking about Spike, wondering what they're doing to him. I hate to see her suffering. It hurts me too to know she's scared stiff of having to face life without him.

She doesn't seem to be suffering from any of the oft-mooted side-effects of pregnancy. I mean, she isn't being sick (as far as I know) and she hasn't been asking anyone to get her strange food combinations. She's eating better than usual, though, and it's good to see.

She's distant, though. It seems like the only one of her friends she's been entirely comfortable with lately has been Anya, and with her gone ..

I want to be there for her, to hold her or whatever she needs, but she doesn't seem to want me. So, situation normal. Don't get me wrong. I love Anya. The things I feel for Buffy include love, but it's love of a different sort. I'd like to think of myself as her big brother, but apart from the fact of being physically bigger, and male, it's not really an apt description. 'Big brother' sort of implies looking after her, keeping her safe, and the truth is, she's done more of that for me over the years than the other way around.

Willow's kinda spooky too. She's my oldest friend, and I love her to bits, but looking at her, with eyes that don't follow her attention, it's, well, spooky. If she couldn't see, I could deal. Not that I want her to be blind, I don't, I'd just kinda like her to be my old Will again. This other sight, it's like her power's on all the time. You don't ever get the chance to forget about her being into magic.

She's been trying to persuade me to feel comfortable about her plan. She can be pretty damn persuasive too, when she puts on that resolve face, too. And, maybe if Giles seemed altogether happy about the plan, she might have persuaded me. But, it's quite obvious that Giles isn't happy. I don't think his reasons are exactly the same as mine, either. He's not so worried about Willow not making it, as of Willow trying to destroy the world again. And, I get that. I've seen it first hand, and .. not a pretty sight. And can I add painful? Those bolts of lightning she threw at me - don't want that again.

Buffy just got up from the books to announce she's going to patrol. Giles gets up too, saying he's going with. He's been doing that every night, I think. On the spur of the moment, I stand too.

"Let me go tonight, G-man," I ask.

"Shouldn't you be asking me?" Buffy demands. "I'm the Slayer. I'm perfectly capable of patrolling alone."

"Of course you are," Giles reassures. "It's just that I thought you'd like some company."

"Not really," she answers.

"Still," he continues. "I think you should avoid patrolling alone, at least while you're pregnant. There's no saying what side-effects it might have on you. And we've no physiological information to go on."

She shrugs and turns to me.

"Ok, you coming?"

I know, she's only turned to me to make a point to Giles. She wants me to go along because she knows there's absolutely nothing I can do if she gets into serious trouble, and I know it. Giles isn't happy, but he concedes.

I grab some stakes and follow her out.

It's a fairly standard patrol. There're a few fledglings, and she takes them out effortlessly. She's said things are quiet in Sunnydale just now, and what I see confirms that. I remember the time she was gone, patrolling with the bot or with Spike. Things were a lot harder then.

As we turn into the last cemetery on her route, she spots something ahead. There're a couple of figures crouched over something. She motions to me to stay put, and approaches quietly.

I do as she asked, but I'm waiting, ready to pounce as soon as she attacks. She does, and it's soon obvious these two aren't fledglings. Even so, she's more than holding her own. In fact, the pace of the fight is so furious that I haven't a hope of joining in. All of the vamps' attention is on the Slayer, and they're doing pretty well, but it's obvious that she doesn't need my help.

A few minutes later, in her patent 'double vamp stake' move, they're dust, and Buffy's breathing heavily as she relaxes. I take the opportunity to move closer to whatever it was the vamps were looking at.

Once I'm close enough to get a good look, I'm still none the wiser. Definitely not human, although not nearly as ugly as most demons. It seems to be unconscious, and from the marks around its head, that's where the damage was done. I don't know if those vampires were trying to feed from it or not.

As I'm looking at the figure on the ground, Buffy comes up behind me.

"What is it?" I ask.

She shrugs. "We could ask Giles, I suppose."

"So, we heading back?" I ask.

"Yeah."

Then she bends down to pick up the creature, cradling the small body as if it were a child.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm taking it back to the shop. I don't know what it is, but, as a general rule, if it's prey to vamps, it's probably vulnerable. And, it's been injured. If we just leave it here, there'll probably be some more vamps along in a few to finish the job."

"Ok," I agree, although I can't keep the doubt out of my voice.

She flashes me an exasperated look.

"Do you want me to .." I ask, gesturing carrying.

"No, it's ok, Xander. I'm fine."

Once back at the shop, and with the demon lying on one of the mats in the training room, we can take a proper look at it. It's about three foot tall, maybe a little more. It's a reddish orange in colour. It's got a fairly standard head, two eyes, nose, mouth, two arms and two legs. No clothes I can see, but nothing embarrassing to be seen either.

Buffy immediately got out her first aid kit and started to get it cleaned up. She motioned me out of her way when I tried to help. I guess I failed the demon-friendly test again. I know, I don't adapt easily. It's just, we spent years learning the lesson 'demons are bad'. It's hard to have to reconsider it, not just for specifics like Anya, or Buffy, or even Spike, but now it seems we've got to reconsider it for anything that's at danger from vamps.

Of course, Giles hit the books as soon as he had a glimpse of it. He didn't recognise it at all. Willow, well, she's only got our description for its physical appearance, and she doesn't seem to be getting a lot else. Might be because of the unconsciousness, of course.

When she's finished, Buffy comes back into the shop. By this time, I've given Giles a full account of the patrol, but he's no closer to recognising the demon.

"It was attacked by vampires, you say?" he asks.

"Yes, Giles, at least that's what it looked like."

"Most unusual. Vampires, of course, they're naturally violent, but, for the most part, it's all to do with the hunt. Most don't worry too much about anything they can't eat, unless they perceive it as a threat of some kind. Or, unless it's actually annoyed them in some way. And, I can't see a creature of that size annoying a pair of vampires unless it had some pretty impressive defensive system. Which by the look of it, it doesn't have."

There's a sound, something between a whimper and a growl, and we all rush back into the training room. Whatever it is has opened its eyes. It's looking around, obviously scared. Buffy kneels at its side, and places a comforting hand on its shoulder.

"It's ok, you're safe. The vampires've gone."

Buffy repeats this a few times but there's no sign of a change in its fear level. It scrambles to a sitting position with its back against a wall, eyes flicking from one to another of us.

Buffy immediately takes charge, and shoos the rest of us back into the shop. Of course, that makes no difference to Willow, but it's irritating for the rest of us. Even more so when Giles hands me a huge book with the obvious intention of getting me to read it.

I can't hear anything coming from the other room. So, wearily, I start to leaf through the book. It's at least more interesting than most, with pictures I can look at without having to go into the text much. Despite myself, I half smile. At least Giles knows me.

Using my newly-acquired skills, I can feel the waves of fear emanating from the creature on the mat. Struggling to maintain a civil tone, I manage to persuade the others to leave us alone, judging that it'll feel much less vulnerable without being the main attraction at a circus.

When they've gone, I carry on speaking quietly to it, trying to get it to relax, and at last I sense it's doing just that. Moving slowly, I sit opposite it on the floor, allowing it to get used to my new position before speaking again.

"I'm Buffy. We found you being attacked by some vampires and brought you here. I tried to clean up your injuries, but .."

"I thank you," it replies. "I am not too badly hurt. I think they planned to subdue me and take me somewhere else. From what I can gather, they thought I was responsible for irritating their master, and they expected a reward for delivering me to him."

Ok, that makes some sense. I suppose. I take a deep breath, not really knowing how to proceed.

"Look, I'm not going to hurt you, you know that, right?"

"I believe you," it replies, softly.

"It might help me to understand who was trying to capture you if I knew more about you. Then, maybe I could make sure it won't happen again."

There's a long silence then, and it's taking all the patience I've got not to just get up and show it the door. I don't have time for this, not now when I should be looking for Spike.

"It's a long story, and I'm not sure about why they wanted me. I've got an idea, but .."

"Ok, I can deal with that. Just tell me what you know, or suspect about what happened."

"My name is Rebecca, and I'm not from your world."

She pauses, obviously gauging my reaction before continuing. She seems relieved that I didn't laugh her first statement out of court.

"Ok. My people have long been able to move between worlds, but we normally leave those inhabited by intelligent life alone. Long ago, before your kind came to be, we visited this world, and if the stories are true, one of our kind tried to destroy the it."

She pauses, looking carefully at me, and I nod to tell her that I've understood so far. I notice that I'm now calling her 'she' - just because of the name.

"I don’t know too much about the stories, at least, not the detail. The overview is common knowledge on my world. Someone .. important to me is a scholar of history, and he has studied the old legends with great care. He believed that something momentous was going to happen here, and I think he came to witness it. He did so .. illegally. He stole a device which allowed him to travel here. The theft has been discovered, but they don't, as yet, know that he stole it. I hoped that by letting him know about the discovery, I could help him evade capture on his return."

"But, if he came illegally, didn't you?"

"Well, yes, I did. But, .. you're right. But, I didn't have to steal anything. I was able to borrow a device from my father. It's just, Jacob's not very .. practical. He didn't tell me what he was planning, he just disappeared. I worked out what had happened, and though he could use some help."

"Jacob's the one you're following."

She nods, and I can feel her fear for him. In many ways, it mirrors my own feelings for Spike.

"Are there any other creatures like you on this world?" I ask.

"Apart from Jacob and me, there shouldn't be."

"So, it could be Jacob who irritated that master vamp," I suggest.

"I suppose so," she agrees. "But, I can't see how. He's not going to try to do anything to irritate anyone. It's just not his way."

"So, how did they catch you?"

"I'd just arrived. Literally landed at their feet. Unlucky, I suppose. The co-ordinates I chose were exactly the ones used by Jacob."

Oh boy. So, Jacob landed in the middle of a cemetery, probably in the dark. Anything could've happened to him.

"So, do you think you could cope with meeting the others now?" I ask.

She swallows, in a very human gesture, and agrees. I help her to her feet, and she follows me into the shop.

She repeats her story, only this time, with Giles in on the questioning, it becomes obvious that she's more involved with us than I'd thought. She's one of the people whose race was responsible for the Key, and the Orb of Fire. Unfortunately, she doesn't have details, only a sketchy understanding of the basics.

"So, how were you planning on finding Jacob now you're here?" Giles asks. He's exasperated that she had so much information available to her, yet she can't help.

"I hoped it wouldn't be difficult. Of course, if he's used the device to hide, it will take a while."

"Wait a minute," I butt in. "How could he use your world travelling device to hide?"

"Well," she explains. "You can travel from world to world with it, but you can also create worlds within worlds. He could literally have made another world to hide in. It was what I planned to do, except I didn't get the chance."

"Is there any way to find out if he's hiding like that?" Giles asks.

"There should be. My device should be able to find other worlds within this one. And, assuming that you don't have that ability yet yourselves, any that do exist, should point to Jacob."

"And you say that some vampires thought you were responsible for something that upset their master?" Giles wants clarification.

"That's what they said, before they knocked me out," she agrees.

"Who could have upset some vampires? Apart from the Slayer, of course?"

He's looking at us, waiting for us to make the same leap he's already completed.

"The Initiative," I answer.

Suddenly our new friend doesn't seem so friendly. If Jacob's involved with the Initiative .. but that doesn't make sense. Jacob's not human. There's no way the Initiative would have anything to do with him .. unless ..

"Buffy, do you think the Initiative would be willing to work with Jacob?" Giles' question is close to my own thoughts.

"Only if he had something they could use," I answer.

"Like a device for travelling between worlds, or creating new ones," he completes the thought.

There's silence, and I can see that Rebecca has lost the thread of the conversation.

"Suddenly a trail that ended in the middle of nowhere makes sense."

Giles nods at me.

"Rebecca, I think that Jacob's device has been used to take someone I care about," I tell her.

I explain what we know about Spike's disappearance. She agrees that it's a possibility.

"So, can you track Jacob?"

The fear returns, and it hits me like a wave.

"But, if he's involved with the disappearance of your friend, you'll hurt him." Her manner has changed completely. Previously she'd been open and willing to help.

"Rebecca," I reply, "if Jacob has been helping the Initiative, it could only be because he doesn't understand what they're doing. They are a group of humans, employed by our Government, whose job it is to wipe out all non-human intelligent life on the planet. If they've taken help from Jacob, it can only be to further their own ends. And, I'm sure, once he's provided them with whatever help he can, they'll have no qualms about killing him."

That silences her. The panic that we might hurt Jacob has gone, but the more general fear for him starts to increase.

"If .. if I agree to track Jacob, will you promise that you won't hurt him?"

"I promise I won't do anything I don't have to. I don't want to hurt him, because I can't see how he can be anything other than a pawn to the Initiative."

For the first time, I become aware of a small device strapped to her wrist. I'd dismissed it as a piece of very plain jewellery, but now it looks different. She concentrates on it, and presses some buttons, then shakes her head.

"The method of tracking is complicated. I'm tired, and feeling rather ill after being attacked. Maybe I could try after some sleep?"

In truth, she seems very tired. I hadn't noticed it before, but she's wilting before my eyes. Despite my impatience, I agree. She's not the only one running on empty.

"You can stay with me tonight," I offer.

She seems grateful, but Giles looks worried.

"Is that wise?" he asks.

"As wise as anything else," I offer.

Xander seems about to object too, but one look at me, and he offers to drive us home instead. I agree gratefully.

When we get to Spike's, I quickly prepare a bed for my guest, before falling onto my bed. Spike's bed. For the first time in ages, I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

I come awake with a start. Something's moving, and it takes me a few seconds to realise what it is. I get up and pull on a wrap. In the kitchen, I find Rebecca, fiddling with the device on her arm again. She looks intent on what she's doing, so I don't speak, just put on some coffee, and pull out some cereal.

When she looks up, I ask her what she's found.

"There's an artificial world here. It's a big one, and it's busy."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's big. I mean, it could be any size, but this one is many times the size of this dwelling. And, there are a lot of people there."

"Can you tell who? I mean, can you recognise Jacob? Or .. or Spike?"

"I believe I should be able to recognise Jacob, but I haven't found him. Of course, there may be another world inside the one I found, and that's another level of difficulty to locate. I'm going to try .."

"Can I get you something?" I ask, pointing to the cereal.

"I believe I should be able to eat anything that is vegetable in origin." She peers at the package as she speaks. Well, the cereal probably passes that test, but she'd have to eat it dry. I go to the fridge, and pull out some fresh fruit. She lifts an apple first, sniffs it, then does the same in turn to an orange and a pear, and then a bunch of grapes. She pulls off one of the grapes, and nibbles at it carefully. She must like what she finds, because soon she's eating grapes whole.

When she's finished eating, she turns her attention back to her wrist, and I head off to shower. I'm on edge, the feeling that at last we're going to be able to find Spike giving me hope. When I've finished, Rebecca's still working, and I'm wondering what to do when the phone rings.

"Buffy?" Giles' voice is welcome.

"Hey, Giles."

"How are you? How's Rebecca?"

"She's fine. She's still working. She says she's found one world, but that there may be another inside that. She thinks she'll be able to recognise Jacob, so she's checking. I got the impression that might take a while, so I'm trying not to hover. But it's hard."

"I know, Buffy. Look, I don't want to worry you, but something's happened. I couldn't sleep, so I went to check on Riley. He's gone. Somehow, something broke Jenna's spell. I'm going to take her to the mansion in a moment, to see if she can tell us anything about what happened. It's crucial we know whether Riley broke the spell from the inside, or whether he had help."

I can't speak for a moment. I'm so keyed up at the prospect of being able to find Spike, that I just don't want to have to be looking over my shoulder again.

"Buffy, are you alright?" Giles prompts.

"Y ..yeah, Giles. I'm fine."

"Listen, Buffy, if Rebecca finds something, don't go rushing off. I'll have a mobile with me, so call me as soon as you know something."

I don't want to hear about anything that might delay Spike's rescue, but I know he's right. I really don't have any more than my instinct to tell me I can trust Rebecca, and even with Slayer strength, I'm no match for a gun. If Spike is being held by the Initiative, I'm going to need a plan.

"Ok, Giles." I agree.

I hang up and go back to watching Rebecca.

When Giles calls again a couple of hours later, I'm climbing the walls. Rebecca's still working, and saying nothing about what's happening.

"What did you find?" I ask.

"Nothing, I'm afraid. There's nothing to tell what happened. I'm going to drop Jenna and Willow at the shop, then I'll come and over. They're going to go back to the books. Given what they're looking for, I'm not sure how much I can help, and it sounds like you could do with some company."

"Thanks, Giles," I answer. The truth is that I'm desperate for something - anything to do.

"One more thing," he adds. "Anya's back. I haven't had a chance to find out what she's found, but it doesn't seem too important if we haven't got Riley."

"Yeah," I agree and he hangs up.

It seems like I've been waiting forever. When I hear a knock on the door, I rush to answer it.

As soon as I see his face, I know that there's something wrong. I don't have to wait long to find out what it is, because Riley's behind him, and it's obvious that he's holding something to Giles' back.

"Well hello there," he drawls at me. It's Riley, but it isn't. The malice in his eyes is something I've not seen before. But then, maybe it's because he thought I was human the last time I saw him.

Giles apologises, and Riley continues into the apartment keeping his hostage between us. He's wary of me, so that's good, but I can't see how I can do anything while he's holding a gun to Giles' back.

I move away, backwards, keeping my eyes on Giles, and on Riley's face over Giles' shoulder. Suddenly, I bump into something unexpected, and I glance round to find Rebecca there. It also takes Riley by surprise, and he gives Giles a dig in the back while he shouts "What the hell's that?"

Rebecca ducks behind me, shielding herself from Riley. If she can feel a fraction of the hostility emanating from him, it's not surprising. She grabs my arm, and I'm about to pull away, exasperated that she wants my protection, when she pulls my hand to her wrist. It only takes me a second to realise she must mean she's found something. I glance behind, and she nods, but gestures towards Giles. I don't have any idea of how her device works, but I can't imagine how it would work for anyone but her unless there's contact. I take the chance that that's what she means, and reach out my hand to Giles. Before Riley can react, the world fades, then reappears, dark and cramped.

"What on earth happened?" whispers a very confused Watcher.

"I'm not sure," I admit. "I think Rebecca was trying to tell me that she'd found something, so I grabbed you in case she could move all of us. I'd guess it worked."

"It did, but I suggest you keep very quiet, Rebecca tells us. "I found there is another world within the first one I found, and I found evidence that Jacob's there. I'm not sure about your friend, though. We're in the first world, and we're pretty well surrounded here. I managed to locate somewhere that seemed to be quiet, and aimed for it. If you'll just wait a moment, I should be able to arrange for us to jump again."

She goes back to examining her wrist band again, and I glance at Giles. He's looking a little confused, but I guess I must have a similar expression, so it's hardly surprising. We're in what looks like a storage room, with shelves stacked with medical supplies. I don't have a lot of time to look around before Rebecca's pulling on my arm again, and I grab Giles for the next move.

There's that same sense of dislocation, and we're inside a sphere. It's small, so an instant later, I spot him, Spike, lying, apparently asleep. Rebecca's sound of recognition is aimed at the other figure here - but I haven't got time to look that way. I rush to Spike, pulling his head into my lap, and shaking him to try to waken him. He seems to be unharmed, no bruising or blood, but he doesn't waken.

It's then I hear his companion speak. I turn around, and see what looks to be Rebecca's twin, although I assume from her reaction that this is Jacob. He's looking as I expected to find Spike, bruised and cut, but he's conscious, and Spike isn't. I missed what he said the first time, a combination, I assume, of the fact that my attention was on Spike and the state of his mouth, swollen and damaged enough to make speech difficult.

"He's been like that since the last time she took him. He said there was a sound, and that it could cause him pain. Said she warned him it could damage his brain if it went too far."

Rebecca's hushing him, telling him there'll be time for explanations when we get to safety. I know she's right, but it doesn't stop me from wanting him to give me the whole story right away. Giles sees how I'm feeling, and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Can you take us back to the store room?" he asks.

"Yes, that's easy. The hard part will be where we go after that. I'm guessing back where we came from wouldn't be a good idea?"

"No," Giles agrees. "Let me think, Riley waited until I was away from the shop before he took me. That suggests that he's wary of someone there - I assume Jenna. So, that'd be the best place. Could you take us there? Where we were last night?"

Rebecca gives that some thought. "No, I don't think I could do that accurately enough. How about the place where you found me last night? I could get there easily, the co-ordinate are already programmed in."

It's not ideal, and I know it, but it's the best we've got. Giles nods our assent, and helps me to drag Spike closer to Jacob. When we're all in contact, we shift, and a few seconds later, we shift again.

Fortunately, it's daylight, so we're unlikely to meet any vamps, but we've still got the problem of an unconscious Spike, and a badly injured Jacob to contend with. With Giles' help, I manage to get Spike onto my shoulder, and Giles then goes to help Rebecca with Jacob. As we start to walk, he pulls out his phone, and calls the Magic Box.

He arranges for Anya to meet us just outside the cemetery, cutting off her complaints that it'll mean closing the store. He doesn't explain what's going on, just tells her to be wary of Riley, and ends the call.

To my relief, I can see Anya's car as we near the street. We bundle everyone into it, and Anya drives back. Once inside the store, there're questions all round, but I'm not listening. I'm sitting on the floor, cradling Spike in my arms. He's alive, I know that, I can hear his heart beating, feel his breath on my arm. There's nothing else.

Slowly, I start to become aware of the voices around me. Jacob's explaining what happened to them. He's detailing the fact that the humans were trying to 'persuade' him to hand control of his device to them. And then he's explaining as well as he can what happened to Spike. It was Dawson. She's been hurting Spike, and by the sound of it, it was for no better reason than the fact that she enjoyed it.

"He made up his mind what he was going to tell her. But he did it a bit at a time, trying to make her think she'd got it out of him unwillingly. He said when he'd finished talking, she seemed to believe that was all. But it didn't stop her taking him again. And each time he took longer to come round after her treatment. He said it was something they did to him when they put the chip in his head. Didn't understand it, but he said they'd conditioned him to feel pain or pleasure when he heard certain sounds. I think .. I think she's destroyed his brain. It's been so long this time, I don't think he's coming back."

I listen to him in shocked silence. That last bit causes me to shake my head. "He's coming back. He's got to. We need him. Zara and I, we need him."

I shift his position, taking one of his hands in mine. I hold it to my stomach, where our child is growing, hoping that she can get through to him where I can't. Because he's got to wake up. He's just got to.