Blue Horizons
Chapter Thirty-Eight

“I love you,” Spike sighed wistfully just as they heard Xander and Anya’s cries from the room next door.

“I know,” Elizabeth agreed softly. After a moment’s reflection, she scooted across the bed to lie in his arms.

He gave her a shy smile in response to that and carefully wrapped his arms around her.

“I miss the way things were,” she commented, leaning into the gentle kiss he placed on her brow.

“’m sorry things’ve gotten so nasty for you,” he agreed, stroking her hair slowly. “Wish there was somethin’ I could do…”

Elizabeth nodded against him and slipped her arm around his waist. “I can’t go against my father’s wishes,” she insisted.

The muscle in his jaw clenched, and he tried to calm himself down before speaking. “At least look into the other possibilities,” he advised. “That way, you’ll have some ammo next time the two of you come head to head…”

Elizabeth gave him an annoyed glare and sat up so that she could stare down at him. “Why won’t you let this drop?” she demanded.

“Because you won’t let it drop!” he shot back, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation.

“Of course I want it to drop!” she insisted. “I don’t ever want to hear about it again!”

“An’ if you didn’t mope about all the time, bein’ so miserable, then maybe ‘d believe you,” he countered.

“Maybe that’s not why I’m moping,” she bit back harshly. “Ever think of that?”

He blinked in hurt and surprise. “’Lizabeth…” he began cautiously.

Instant guilt hit her. “I didn’t mean that,” she assured him. “It’s not you. I’m just…”

“Angry? Pissed? Afraid?” he suggested.

“What part of ‘I don’t want to talk about this’ don’t you understand?” she sighed in exasperation.

“The part where ‘s hanging over your head every second,” he retorted. “Yeah, you can handle it, but you don’t really want to, and ‘s tearing you apart inside.” He stiffened for a minute as if fighting back some powerful emotion. “It’s hurting you, and it’s hurting us, and you won’t let me in…” His voice broke on the last part.

“I don’t have any choice,” she insisted.

“You’re not even botherin’ to look at the other choices!” he exclaimed in frustration.

“I can’t do it,” she repeated with a vehement shake of her head. “I can’t abandon my father.”

He let out a rueful laugh at that. “Oh no,” he said sarcastically, “certainly can’t abandon daddy. ‘Cause he’s never abandoned you or anything.”

Tears sprung to her eyes at that. “Stop it!” she practically screeched, brushing away the persistent tears that were trying to escape. “Don’t talk about him like that,” she insisted in a ragged voice.

“Why not?” Spike demanded. “You do it all the time. ‘S true, and everyone knows it.” He sighed and reached over to rest his hand on her shoulder. “Look, ‘m sorry if I hurt your feelin’s, but…”

“What?” she whispered, her voice hoarse with emotion.

“He has no right to control you like this,” he stated.

“He’s my father,” Elizabeth shot back.

“I get that,” he agreed, “but he’s never been much ‘f one, and-”

“Oh, I’m so sorry my father’s not exactly like yours,” she snapped bitterly. “Is that inconvenient for you? My bad.”

He let out a roar of frustration. “’S not about me,” he insisted. “I don’t matter. ‘S-”

“You know what?” Elizabeth yanked herself away from his hand. “You’re right. You don’t matter.” Her eyes narrowed as she got off the bed. “And I don’t think I can stand to be around you right now,” she struck out hurtfully before dashing from his room and slamming the door shut behind her.

Spike let out a broken sigh and banged his head back against the wall a couple of times. “Wanker…” he cursed himself.

* * *

Willow had been somewhat surprised to return to her room to find that she suddenly had a roommate once more and that that roommate had apparently been crying for hours.

“Elizabeth, what’s wrong?” she asked carefully, sitting down on her own mattress.

The other woman blinked in surprise, apparently unaware until this point that anyone else was there. She blinked at Willow through red-rimmed eyes, brushing helplessly at the tear-tracks that ran down her cheeks.

“Oh no, sweetie,” Willow cooed reassuringly. “You go ahead and cry. Don’t hold it back…”

“Why is it all going so wrong?” Elizabeth managed to gasp out before breaking into tears once more.

“What is it?” Willow pressed softly. “What happened?”

“S-Spike,” she finally managed to reply.

Willow’s face softened further. “Oh no, did you two have a fight?”

Elizabeth nodded meekly. “Actually, more like a lot of fights. Or just one really big, long fight, depending on how you look at it,” she amended.

“You want me to go give him the Evil Glare of Death?” Willow suggested. “Or, ooh! I could give him the ‘you’re a heartless pig, and you’d better go apologize right now’ speech,” she added excitedly.

Elizabeth managed a weak smile at her friend’s efforts. “Except he kinda isn’t,” she felt obliged to point out.

Willow looked at her sympathetically. “Can you tell me what happened?” she requested softly.

Elizabeth shuddered with one last sob but nodded, pulling the blankets up around her as she sat up against the wall. “Spike wants me to blow off my father and stop with the whole econ thing,” she explained.

Willow frowned slightly. “That sounds pretty demanding,” she pointed out softly.

Elizabeth shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s also…” She bit her lower lip nervously.

“Also what?” Willow asked, curious.

“Kinda what I wish I could do,” Elizabeth admitted with a sigh. “But it can never work,” she quickly amended. “I can’t just…” She broke out crying again.

“That’s it,” Willow soothed, moving over to Elizabeth’s bed and wrapping her arms around her friend. “Just cry it all out…”

“I try to *sob* be so *sniffle* good, and he always *gasp* leaves me,” Elizabeth got out in a jerky staccato. Her voice turned quiet and frightened. “If I do something like this, how do I know he won’t just leave me forever?”

“Oh, honey…” Willow felt tears in her eyes as well, and she caught Elizabeth in a fierce hug. “You don’t,” she finally admitted softly.

“I just can’t,” Elizabeth insisted with a shake of her head. “My dad… I can’t lose him…”

Willow sighed at that. “You love him even though he’s never really been there for you,” she commented. “I get that. I kinda had the whole absentee parents thing myself.”

“But your parents never did this to you,” Elizabeth insisted.

Willow thought for a second. “They really didn’t like that I chose to go here,” she finally said. “They thought I could do better than this.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that one a lot,” Elizabeth agreed with a sniffle. She was too caught up in what Willow was saying to keep crying, though.

“Well, I didn’t want anything better,” Willow insisted. “This was what I wanted. And once my parents realized I was serious... Well, all they really cared about was that I was happy and that I was all right. Because they loved me.”

“I don’t even know that much,” Elizabeth shuddered slightly.

Willow frowned. “Oh, I’m sure your dad-”

“He says he does,” Elizabeth cut her off, “but I’m not even convinced he knows what love is. I’ve never seen him really care about anything but himself and his career.”

“Everyone loves in their own way,” Willow insisted. “And he does love you, even if he’s a complete idiot.”

Elizabeth managed a wry laugh at that. “No doubt about the complete idiot part,” she agreed.

Willow smiled as well. “And, ultimately, I’ve gotta believe that he’s doing all this stuff to you because he thinks it will make you happy.”

“Well, then, maybe he should stop by and see how miserable I am,” she sulked.

Willow winced. “Doesn’t work. I tried it,” she admitted. “Then you just get the ‘you’ll be happier in the long run’ argument.”

“From what I see, I’m miserable now, and I’m going to miserable for ever and ever,” Elizabeth sighed.

“Yeah, there have been times in my life like that, too,” Willow agreed. “And, frankly, right now is one of them.”

Elizabeth looked at her in surprise at this.

“My best friend’s moved away, I don’t have enough time for my girlfriend, I’ve got more schoolwork than I can handle, and I still haven’t solidified my plans for after graduation,” Willow listed off on her fingers. “So, at least you don’t have all that on top of your problems.”

“How do you deal?” Elizabeth wondered.

“Well, you decide what’s most important in the long run and you take the immediate steps to deal with that,” Willow suggested.

“I’d say not being constantly miserable is what’s most important to me right now,” Elizabeth decided, only half-joking.

Willow cracked a small smile. “Be more specific. What’s making you the most miserable?”

Elizabeth sighed. “I-I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.” She immediately blushed at the fact that Spike fit the metaphor in more ways than one.

Willow chuckled slightly. “Go on,” she requested softly.

“My dad wants me to go one way, and Spike’s trying to pull me in the other. It’s like they’re trying to make me choose between them, and I don’t want to!” she exclaimed angrily.

“Have you talked with Spike about this?” Willow inquired.

“Yes,” Elizabeth insisted, “well…sort of. But all he really sees of me is the way I am now, and my dad only sees who I was in the past, and I’m kinda, well…both. And Spike can’t possibly understand all that.”

“No one can ever completely understand what another person is going through,” Willow pointed out. Then frowned. “Well, unless they’re telepathic. Or maybe if they’ve had the exact, identical life experiences. Or-”

“Babbling,” Elizabeth pointed out with an amused grin.

“Right,” Willow agreed, her face flaming to the same color as her hair. “But, still… Spike can only understand what you tell him.”

“But how can I possibly tell him some of this stuff?” Elizabeth insisted. “Especially the stuff about him…”

“But that’s exactly the stuff that he needs to hear the most,” Willow pointed out. “I mean, if you really want your relationship to work…”

“What’s the point?” Elizabeth retorted bitterly.

“Wh-What?” Willow asked somewhat shakily.

“It’s not like we’re going to last,” Elizabeth explained. “I mean, the thing we had was nice and all, but… It would be impossible for me to stay with him forever.”

Willow blinked in complete surprise at that. “I thought you loved him?” she asked hesitantly.

Elizabeth sighed and brushed aside the recent but so seemingly distant memories of their Valentine’s weekend together. Before Dawn had interrupted, she had so wanted to… “I don’t think I know how to love,” she said bitterly. “Just another little inheritance from daddy…”

“You know how to love,” Willow assured her vehemently. “You wouldn’t be this good of a friend and a person if you didn’t.”

Elizabeth shrugged.

“You really don’t love Spike?” Willow ventured once more, still unable to believe this fact.

Elizabeth sighed. “I really like him,” she insisted, “and I like being with him…” She trailed off. “But we’ve just been fighting so much lately and…”

“That’s not an answer,” Willow pointed out astutely.

He’s not the one. No matter how hard I try, we’re doomed. It could never work out. It’s not even worth the effort to… “No,” Elizabeth said aloud, feeling like she was dying inside, “I don’t love him.”

Even Willow looked almost heartbroken at this admission. “J-Just ‘no’?”

Elizabeth nodded. “I like him, and it’s nice being with him, but…” She shrugged.

“Then, really, Spike’s not any different than Riley was.” It pained Willow to say this about her friend, but it seemed to be what Elizabeth was saying.

Elizabeth hadn’t thought about Riley for months. And to put sweet, sensitive Spike in the same category with his loving eyes, and the way he always seemed to see the real her, like deep down inside they were the same person… But what she had just said, wasn’t it exactly what she had felt about Riley?

“I guess they’re not,” she bit out painfully. God, why was this conversation hurting so much? Why did she want to scream out loud?

“Then, why are you making yourself miserable over this?” Willow pointed out. “If Spike really doesn’t matter to you…”

He matters to me. He’s everything… “He’s my boyfriend,” Elizabeth retorted.

“One you admitted a while back that you have no intention of staying with.” Willow actually sounded slightly angry at this.

Elizabeth belatedly wondered whether she should talk about this with someone who wasn’t Spike’s friend. The only problem was that all her friends were his friends, too. “It’s not that I want to break up with him,” she insisted. “It’s just that we can’t work, and eventually I’m going to end up with someone be-” She broke off the word.

Willow heard it, though. “Someone better?” she finished.

“That’s not how I meant it,” Elizabeth insisted. “But I’m kind of caught in this whole other world that he’s not a part of, and I can’t just leave that.”

“You use that word a lot,” Willow commented. “ ‘Can’t’. But, really, unless you’re talking about defying gravity or something, there’s nothing you really can’t do. The question is, what do you want to do?”

“I want everything to be like it was,” Elizabeth insisted. “I want my father to get off my back, and I want Spike and I to be perfect again, and I don’t want to have to worry about any of this.”

“Well, at least we’ve got a goal now, even if it is a bit unrealistic,” Willow sighed.

“And I don’t wanna have to choose!” Elizabeth insisted. “Why can’t things just work themselves out?”

“I don’t know,” Willow shrugged. “They just don’t. But things are always changing, and you’re not going to just be able to go back. So, what you’ve got to do is find a realistic alternative that makes you as happy as you can.”

“I can’t do that with both my father and Spike breathing down my neck,” Elizabeth insisted.

“Then you really do have to make a choice,” Willow pointed out. “’Cause it sounds like they both have valid points.”

“How can I choose between them?” Elizabeth was on the verge of bursting into tears once more.

“It’s not about choosing one of them,” Willow insisted. “It’s about choosing for yourself. What do you want?”

“I already told you,” Elizabeth insisted.

“No,” Willow countered, “you told me a fantasy. There’s got to be something real in this world that you want.”

“Does there?” Elizabeth retorted gloomily.

Willow sighed. “Yeah, and you’re going to have to figure out what it is before your choice is stripped from you…”

* * *

It hadn’t exactly been pleasant, but it was possible.

Elizabeth became aware of this fact as she slowly woke up, rolled over to reach out to Spike…and promptly crash-landed on the floor of her and Willow’s room. It took her foggy mind a moment to figure out why Spike hadn’t been in the bed beside her. The realization came with mixed emotions.

Loss was a big one. This was the first night she had spent alone since…well, since she and Spike had started really getting serious. Somewhere right after Thanksgiving. So, it was perfectly natural for her to feel a little pang when he wasn’t beside her.

She could now dimly recall him showing up around midnight and begging her to come to bed with him. She’d been tempted beyond imagining but had managed to hold firm. She needed to think things through, and she needed a bit of space to do that. Sadness still filled her heart at the pained expression on his face, but he had just reminded her that he loved her, brushed a soft kiss across her forehead, and left her to her introspection.

But along with all the icky emotions, there was something there that she hadn’t quite expected. Pride. She had actually managed to get through a whole night - sleep and all - without Spike. Logically, she’d known that she wouldn’t spontaneously keel over and die if they were separated for just one night, but the fact that she’d actually done it made her feel…well, proud. Like she could stand on her own two feet if she ever needed to.

Picking herself up off of the floor, she searched in vain for her bathrobe. Oh damn, it was in Spike’s room… Figuring Willow wouldn’t notice if she borrowed hers for all of five minutes - especially given the way her roommate was snoring - Elizabeth slipped on Willow’s jade green robe and headed for the bathroom.

“Luv.”

Elizabeth’s heart beat faster at the sound of the pet name, and she took an unconscious step towards where Spike was shaving over the sink. “Hey,” she agreed softly.

“Sleep well?” he inquired, his voice sounding strained.

She bit out a tired laugh. “Not exactly,” she assured him, “but I slept. You?”

“The same,” he agreed, toweling off his now smooth chin. “I missed you.” The words were said with such naked longing…

Instinctively, Elizabeth leaned in and brushed a kiss across his lips. He sighed into her touch and wrapped his arms around her, savoring the scent of her, the feel… “We better now?” he inquired cautiously.

Elizabeth sighed against the soft skin of his throat. “We have to talk,” she informed him.

He nodded. “Our room? Or someplace more neutral…?” he offered.

She nodded absentmindedly to the second option. “Wanna go get breakfast?” she suggested.

“You askin’ me out on a date, Summers?” he joked lightly.

She smiled up at him, a hint of sadness still in her eyes. “You agreeing to go out on a date with me, Big Bad?”

She got a dimpled smile in response to the nickname. “Always,” he said emotionally.

“I’d, um, better brush my teeth, then.” She plucked her shower basket off of the shelf over the radiator and dangled the toothbrush out in front of her as if to demonstrate this point.

“’ll meet you in the lounge?” he suggested. “Fifteen minutes?”

“We’ve been dating how long?” she said skeptically. “And you honestly think I can get ready in just fifteen minutes?”

He chuckled at that. “Half an hour,” he agreed. “’Though I can’t imagine what you need the extra time for. You’re beautiful as you are now.”

A blush lit up her cheeks. “Spike…” she protested slightly.

“Right,” he nodded. “Half an hour. ‘ll get outta your hair ‘til then.”

Elizabeth watched him go with a sigh. Why, oh why, did this have to be so difficult?

* * *

Eight o’clock Saturday morning wasn’t exactly the most popular time for the small diner. In fact, aside from two juniors over in the corner that had obviously just pulled an all-nighter, Elizabeth and Spike were the only two that had gotten up at the god-awful (for students, at least) hour. Elizabeth smiled slightly at that fact.

“What?” Spike inquired curiously.

“You,” she exclaimed. “Conscious. Before noon. The world must be coming to an end.”

He gave her a wistful smile. “Not sure you’re wrong, pet,” he countered. He stabbed at his omelet a couple of times just for good measure, intentionally keeping his eyes focused on his plate.

Elizabeth reached over to cover his right hand with her own. “It’ll be all right,” she assured him.

“Really?” He let out a laugh that was half a sob. “Seems like we’re quite well buggered to me. But, please, tell me how it’ll be all right.” His tone was angry, but his eyes were sad, lost.

“I need to do this my way,” she informed him.

“Great song,” he shrugged, downing a breakfast sausage. “What does that mean?”

“It means that if we want this to work out, then you’re going to have to accept that I’m not turning against my father,” she said matter-of-factly.

He sighed. “An ultimatum, then?” he inquired.

“It’s not like that,” she insisted. “I just need-”

“What about what I need?” he cut her off.

She blinked in surprise. “What do you mean?” she said, frowning slightly.

He sighed and slumped back in his seat, staring off into the distance a moment for inspiration. “Whenever I try to bring up any of my concerns,” he began in a careful voice, more like his father’s, “it always turns into this screaming match until eventually you make me cave in.”

“Cave in?” Elizabeth retorted. “That’s funny, ‘cause to me it looks like you’re being annoyingly persistent…”

“I am being persistent,” he agreed. “I just…” He threw up his hands in despair. “I can’t stand it anymore,” he informed her. “I see you makin’ yourself more an’ more miserable everyday, tryin’ to please this father who doesn’t even care. I see you compromisin’ the woman I fell in love with because you’re too scared to stand up for yourself. And every time I try to do something to help…”

“Maybe I don’t want your help,” she retorted vehemently. “I’m fine.”

“Fine?” he repeated in disbelief. “You’ve been frowning almost nonstop since daddy came to visit. And when I touch you…” He bit back a tear. “I can tell ‘s different. I can tell you’re different.”

She worried her lower lip between her teeth nervously at that. Yeah, he was probably right that her realization that they were just a temporary thing made her a bit more closed off. “I’m sorry,” was all she had to offer him.

“I thought we were in love,” he insisted.

She gave him a sad smile. “You were,” she agreed. “I-I never lied to you that…” She trailed off guiltily. She had been about to, though. She had been so close to…

“So that’s it, then?” he said angrily, pulling out a cigarette.

“Spike, we’re in the non-smoking section,” she pointed out.

“Bugger. That.” He bit out angrily, lighting up.

She let out an exasperated sigh. “Look, I’m sorry,” she insisted, “but we don’t even really belong to the same worlds. I’ve got this whole other…life, with my mother’s name and my father’s fortune and all that, and it’s just going to keep coming between us. And…you deserve better than that, baby.”

“I see,” he retorted sarcastically, “you’re better’n me, and I deserve someone better’n you. Do you have any idea how little sense that makes?”

“Stop ridiculing me!” she hissed angrily. “I’m not stupid!”

“No, you’re just lettin’ your father manipulate you again,” he shot back. “You think us breakin’ up isn’t part of his master plan?”

“That is so unfair!” she insisted. “This has nothing to do with him. This has to do with us. You can’t honestly think this won’t just keep coming up over and over again.”

“Yes, I can,” he retorted, “because all this stuff you’re talkin’ about - this whole class thing you’re obsessin’ over - well, it doesn’t matter one bit to me. From what I can tell, this is your li’l obsession. ‘ve never said a thing about it, because in the end it makes no difference.”

“How can you say that?” she said in disbelief. “Do you know what my father’s friends are like? Do you know what they’re saying about us - about you - right now?”

“They can all go to hell for all I care!” Spike shouted out. “I. Don’t. Give. A. Bleedin’. Fuck.”

She scrunched up her nose. “Nice imagery,” she retorted sarcastically. “And, you know what? I believe I mentioned that I wanted you to drop this.”

“Oh no.” He shook one finger at her. “That’s not how this works. You can’t just order me around like ‘m your boy-toy.”

“You’re not-” she insisted.

“Let me finish,” he cut her off. “We want this to work, we actually hafta talk this stuff through, as unpleasant as it may be.”

“You’re not listening to me!” she exclaimed, tears in her eyes.

“And neither are you!” he shot back, rising from his seat.

Her eyes turned cold as she stood up as well. “You know what?” she informed him icily. “You’re not worth the trouble. This is over now.”

He blinked in slow disbelief. “’Lizabeth, luv…” he tried to soothe her, his hand reaching for hers.

She brushed it aside. “It’s over,” she repeated vehemently as she slipped out of the booth. “I don’t think I can eat with you,” she informed him before practically fleeing from the diner.

Spike just stood there stunned for a minute. Surely, he hadn’t heard her right. It was just a heat of the moment thing, temporary anger or…

He fell back into his seat when he felt it hit him like a ton of bricks. Elizabeth, the love of his life, gone over something so ridiculous…

“Hey, man, you OK?” One of the other students in the restaurant had ventured to approach him.

In answer, he burst out crying…

Blue Horizons
Chapter Thirty-Nine

In retrospect, Elizabeth really should’ve anticipated the awkwardness. In fact, now that she thought about it, she wished she had considered this whole situation before she broke up with Spike.

As it was, she sat down and got nervous smiles from Willow, Jonathan, and Andrew. Spike and Anya had been a little bit behind her in line. They didn’t even look in the direction of the Westing House table as they sat down at one of the guest tables at the far side of the dining hall. Soon, they were joined by Cordelia and Xander.

Willow bit her lip at the split. Elizabeth felt guilty. Spike had obviously passed the denial stage and was well into the ‘wronged party’ act. Elizabeth couldn’t exactly say she blamed him. After all, she had been the one to call things off as well as refusing all his overtures of peace and reconciliation. With a pain in her heart, she wondered if this was what it had been like after Drusilla had dumped him. In any case, it sure wasn’t pretty.

“So…where’s Tara today?” Jonathan asked nervously, trying to come up with some remotely neutral topic.

“Don’t know,” Willow shrugged. “Haven’t had time to see her in a week.”

“Oh,” Jonathan said quietly.

“That sucks,” Andrew offered.

Willow nodded. “Yeah,” she agreed.

More munching in silence ensued.

“This, er, food,” Andrew offered. “Sucks, huh?”

“Yeah,” Elizabeth and Willow agreed in perfect monotone.

More silence.

“You know what also sucks?” Jonathan spoke up after a minute.

“What?” Andrew asked curiously.

“This.” Jonathan gestured around vaguely. “It’s all uncomfortable. That sucks.”

“Yeah,” Andrew agreed.

Elizabeth sighed. “I’m fine,” she insisted. “I’m not going to break down if someone mentions Spike’s name.”

“That’s good,” Willow said with a bit more spirit. “’Cause for a while you, y’know, did. Whenever anyone mentioned him, I mean.”

Elizabeth smiled at her roommate’s babbling habit.

“He’s not sitting here,” Andrew pointed out the obvious. “Is it really…y’know…that bad?”

“Worse,” Elizabeth groaned. “God, this all turned out so terribly…”

“Well, it’s dangerous,” Willow pointed out, “dating someone in the house. ‘Cause, then, if it doesn’t work out… Well, badness follows.”

“Major badness,” Jonathan agreed, giving Elizabeth a sympathetic smile.

“I’m so sorry about this, guys,” she apologized. “Maybe I should sit somewhere else so-”

“You have a right to sit wherever you want,” Willow pointed out. “Just like Spike does. It’s his choice.”

She sighed. “I just feel bad for… Sorry you all have to get dragged into this,” she assured them.

“Hey, at least it can only get better,” Jonathan offered her a smile.

“Unless it doesn’t,” Andrew countered, looking over to where Spike’s group was huddled around him, obviously talking about something grave. It didn’t exactly take a genius to figure out what it was.

“Shut up, doofus!” Jonathan exclaimed in a hushed whisper, whacking Andrew on the back of the head.

“Ow,” Andrew complained in a whiny voice, rubbing at his head. “That hurt, you penis.”

“It’s all right,” Elizabeth cut them off before the fighting could escalate. “He’s probably just telling the truth,” she assured Jonathan.

He turned back to the task of swirling the inedible ‘food’ on his plate around in a nervous manner. “So, how’s calc going?” he abruptly changed the subject.

Elizabeth was only too glad to let him get away with it. “Midterm’s a week from Friday,” she answered. “I was wondering if you could help me review?”

“No problem,” Jonathan agreed. “I’m always in my room. Like always.”

Elizabeth nodded. “How about you, Wills?” she inquired. “Dreading midterms this time around?”

Willow sighed. “The devil created my schedule this semester,” she agreed.

“Didn’t you choose your own schedule?” Elizabeth asked with a slight smile.

“Yeah, that would make you the devil, then,” Andrew caught onto the line of teasing.

“It’s always the one you least suspect,” Willow agreed with a grin.

Light, somewhat-forced laughter followed.

“Uh-oh, here’s Devon,” Jonathan pointed out.

Both tables looked up as the junior in question looked back and forth between the two, trying to make up his mind. Elizabeth rubbed her temples. Oh yes, as Jonathan had so eloquently put it, this very much sucked…

* * *

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sooo sorry!”

Elizabeth smiled at the words that had immediately greeted her upon answering the phone. “That’s only sixty-five more you owe me,” she informed her half-sister, marking off the latest five of the hundred apologies the other girl had chosen to give her in increments.

“I’m getting there,” Dawn agreed. “So how goes dad’s evil scheme to fuck up your life?”

Elizabeth didn’t even bother to scold her for swearing. “Pretty life-fuck-up-ing,” she answered with a slight smile. “You?”

“Mom chucked him out last night,” Dawn offered in a jaded voice.

“Think it’ll take this time?” Elizabeth wondered.

“Didn’t take the last five times,” Dawn countered with a wistful sigh.

“I’m sorry you have to be stuck in the middle of it,” Elizabeth said with a grimace.

“Well, at least June’s only two months away,” Dawn countered hopefully. “Have you and Spike decided what you’re doing this summer yet?”

Elizabeth felt the beginnings of a headache forming. This was the first time her sister had called since… Well, to put it mildly, she hadn’t been particularly looking forward to this conversation. “Dawn, are you sitting down?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Dawn answered somewhat confusedly before her breath caught. “Oh my god! Elizabeth, did something bad happen?” she asked worriedly.

“You might say that,” Elizabeth agreed sadly.

“No one died, did they?” Dawn asked with a squeak. “Not Giles? ‘Cause I know he’s old and-”

“No one died,” Elizabeth cut her off, putting those worries to rest. “It’s just…”

“What?” Dawn demanded when the silence on the other end of the line had gone on for too long.

“Spike and I…we kinda broke up,” Elizabeth finally admitted.

Complete silence on Dawn’s part.

“Dawn, are you still there?” Elizabeth finally ventured to ask.

“You’re not kidding?” Dawn’s voice sounded sad and hopeful at the same time.

“No,” Elizabeth informed her with equal sadness.

“How long?” Dawn asked, obviously trying to keep her voice composed. “I mean, is this just a fight, or…?”

“A little over a week,” Elizabeth answered. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but…”

“I guess you’ve had a lot on your mind,” Dawn agreed with a sniff. “I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah…” Elizabeth sighed.

“How?” Dawn wanted to know. “I mean, did he just call it off, or-?”

“I broke up with him,” Elizabeth immediately corrected her.

“What?!” Dawn screeched in disbelief. “Are you out of your mind?”

“Everyone seems to think so,” Elizabeth winced. “But, really, Dawn, things were-”

“What?” Dawn demanded in a sullen voice. “What could he possibly have done?” She let out a gasp of surprise. “Oh my god, he didn’t cheat on you, did he?”

“No, of course not,” Elizabeth insisted vehemently. “Things just got…well, strained, and then it just sort of fell apart, and…” A sob.

Dawn frowned. “It’s dad’s fault, isn’t it?” she accused.

“Kinda,” Elizabeth admitted. “Having him as a third-wheel in our relationship wasn’t exactly helping.”

“And you dumped Spike instead of dad?” Dawn asked in disbelief. “Screwed up much?”

“Look, Dawn, I’m sorry,” Elizabeth said sincerely. “I know you really like Spike, but…things really just weren’t working out.”

“Did you even bother to try and fix them?” Dawn snapped angrily.

“As a matter of fact, I did,” Elizabeth shot back. “What happened was not all my fault!”

“Whatever,” Dawn retorted sourly. Elizabeth could practically hear her sulking.

“This doesn’t mean our summer’s ruined, though,” Elizabeth assured her. “We can still get together and escaped evil parental clutches…”

“God, I didn’t even think about that,” Dawn said with a sigh. And then a sniffle. “This means I’m never going to see him again, doesn’t it?” An all-out sob. “Or Giles and Joyce?”

“Oh, Dawn, I’m so sorry,” Elizabeth cooed. “And that’s not necessarily true…” Her voice broke as tears formed in her own eyes. “I don’t want it to be true,” she gasped between sobs, “because then I won’t ever get to see them again, either.”

“Then, why?” Dawn demanded.

“I don’t know,” Elizabeth sniffled wearily. “He just got me so mad, and then…”

“Can’t you just apologize?” Dawn wondered. “Make it up to him?”

“I’m not sure that would be enough,” Elizabeth sighed before her resolve hardened once more. “Besides, I was right about some of the stuff.”

“So, make him apologize, too,” Dawn requested.

“It’s not that simple,” Elizabeth insisted.

“Why not?” Dawn demanded. “Don’t you miss him?”

“I cried nonstop for three days after we broke up.” Elizabeth brushed at her teared-up eyes once more.

“Then, why don’t you just un-break-up with him?” Dawn persisted.

“Because I don’t know how,” Elizabeth answered with a whimper. “He’s so mad at me… And I don’t know what I can do, or even if I should do anything… God, I’m such a complete screw-up!”

“No arguing here,” Dawn mumbled under her breath. “But he still loves you, right? That means he has to forgive you.”

“I can’t,” Elizabeth insisted. “I can’t drag him through this again. He deserves better than me. He deserves someone who’s not this messed up…”

“Shouldn’t that be his choice to make?” Dawn pointed out, exasperated.

“I don’t know,” Elizabeth sighed, wiping away her latest tears. “I don’t know anything anymore…”

* * *

“You’re sure you’re gonna be all right, man?” Xander asked cautiously, watching Spike where he was curled up on the bed, staring at nothing.

“’ll be fine,” he replied half-heartedly.

“Y’know, that’s funny ‘cause you really don’t sound fine,” Xander pointed out.

Spike let out a weary sigh and ran a hand through his unruly platinum curls. “’ve got practice this afternoon,” he insisted with a bit of the old confidence in his voice. “Was figurin’ on going home after that. Get away from this place for a while and all…”

“You’re going to practice?” Xander asked, surprised.

“Always go,” Spike insisted vehemently.

“Yeah, but I kinda figured that what with you not going to class all week…” Xander trailed off. “Won’t Elizabeth be there?” he finally asked bluntly.

Spike had to force himself not to flinch at the name. “So what?” he shrugged.

“So, that way lies endless pain,” Xander pointed out.

“’m not fleeing my entire life just ‘cause I might run into her,” Spike insisted stubbornly.

Xander would have commented, but he found it encouraging enough that Spike was willing to leave his room of his own devices that he didn’t push things. Avoiding Elizabeth at all costs and moping about had been his primary activities as of late.

“You’re sure you don’t want me and Anya to stay in for the evening?” he offered one last time. “’Cause we could all play poker or watch a movie or something.”

“Don’t need your pity, Harris,” Spike grumbled in a surly manner.

Xander gave him a skeptical look.

“’ll be fine,” Spike insisted with a sigh, “or as good as I can get, anyway. Don’t wanna mess up things for you an’ Anyanka just ‘cause ‘m depressed right now.”

“Despite all her complaining, Anya actually doesn’t really mind hanging out with you,” Xander pointed out. “We’re both cool with staying here.”

Spike let out a sigh of exasperation. “Go,” he insisted. “Make with the merry and all that rot. Didn’t stick my nose into your business just so the two ‘f you could play nursemaids to me.”

“That’s funny,” Xander joked lightly, “’cause that’s actually one of Anya’s favorite games…”

Spike didn’t even crack a smile.

“Wow, tough crowd,” Xander added hopefully.

“Look, Xander,” Spike finally said wearily, “I get what you’re tryin’ to do, and I ‘ppreciate it. But I can handle myself, an’ you and Anyanka can’t revolve your lives around me.”

“You really promise you’ll be okay?” Xander pressed.

“Have Anyanka write up a business contract to that effect, and ‘ll sign it,” Spike agreed.

“Joke,” Xander nodded. “Definitely a sign of the good…”

“Go,” Spike insisted. “I’ll live.”

“Right,” Xander nodded. “Thanks, man.”

Spike shrugged and nabbed his volume of ‘Catch 22’ from the bookshelf.

“And you won’t drink, right?” Xander pressed.

Spike scowled up at him. “No, mother,” he said sarcastically.

Xander nodded and raised an eyebrow when Spike pulled out a cigarette.

“What? ‘m not allowed to smoke now?” Spike demanded in indignation.

“Actually, Anya gave us a rather detailed speech this afternoon about how we should encourage it,” Xander admitted with a smile. “Something about periods of high emotional stress not being the best time to quit smoking.”

Spike took in a deep breath of smoke and managed a smile. “Better hold onto that woman ‘f yours,” he teased lightly. “She’s got brains. You don’t keep a look out, and I might just steal her from you.”

“I can honestly say that Anya would like nothing better than for you to try,” Xander agreed with a grin.

“Oh, so she can ‘ave two men fightin’ over her, but you can’t have two women goin’ after you?” Spike inquired with a raised eyebrow.

“Double standard,” Xander decided with a rueful shake of his head.

“Women… Bloody impossible to understand,” Spike agreed.

Xander nodded. “There’s anything I can do…” he left the offer open.

“’ll let you know,” Spike assured him. “Now, don’t keep that beautiful girlfriend ‘f yours waiting.”

“Right,” Xander agreed. “Bye.”

Spike gave him an inarticulate grunt in response. As soon as the other man had shut the door behind him, however, Spike dropped his book and snatched up the phone. Hitting the redial button, he waited impatiently for the other end to be picked up.

“Hello?” a familiar voice inquired.

“’lo, dad,” Spike said, allowing his eyes to tear up for the first time that day.

“How are you, Will?” Giles asked sympathetically.

“Crappy,” Spike admitted, reaching over for a tissue. “I just… ‘S not getting any easier…”

“It will get easier,” Giles promised him. “Are you in a killing mood right now or a begging forgiveness one?” he inquired matter-of-factly.

Spike managed a wry smile. “A little ‘f both, actually.”

“Ah, yes,” Giles agreed. “I believe I managed to perfectly alternate threats with pleas after Olivia broke up with me,” he reminisced. “Not one of my finer moments.”

“She next?” Spike inquired with a little sniffle.

“Oh no,” Giles assured him. “I have much more misery to get through before I reach her.”

Spike lay back again his pillows and sighed. “It gets better?” he demanded skeptically.

“I promise,” Giles assured him. “Now, where was I?”

“Jenny,” Spike provided with a small smile.

Giles groaned. “You’re sure you want to hear all this?” he inquired for the umpteenth time.

“Beats my own pain,” Spike shrugged.

“Indeed, it does,” Giles agreed emotionally before relating his tale.

Spike closed his eyes and let his father’s comforting voice wash over him, allowing himself to forget about the petite blond that had just ripped out his heart, if only for a moment…

* * *

“You think it’s all my fault, don’t you?”

The question came right in the middle of one of the intense study sessions Elizabeth had forced herself into to avoid thinking about Spike. It was especially awkward right now when she usually would’ve been at Tae Kwon-Do, but she didn’t want him to feel like she was encroaching upon his life right now, so she hadn’t gone.

“What do you mean?” Willow looked up from her lab book.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean,” she insisted.

Willow nodded slowly. “As RA, it’s my job not to blame either of you,” she answered.

“That’s not a real answer,” Elizabeth pointed out.

“It’s the one I have to give,” Willow countered.

Elizabeth sighed. “I want to know how you really feel,” she requested, “not your ‘official’ feelings.”

Willow grimaced. “You’re sure?” she asked hesitantly.

“I’m sure,” Elizabeth insisted.

“I think you kinda handled things a bit…harshly?” Willow ventured.

“You think it’s my fault,” Elizabeth repeated matter-of-factly.

“Oh, god, yes,” Willow blurted out reflexively. She winced. “What I mean is, well, it was your choice, obviously, but given that Spike got completely…well, screwed over… Not that I’m not sure that you had your reasons…which, admittedly, were a bit confused, but…” Her face flushed bright red. “This is a really bad thing to babble about, isn’t it?”

“It’s okay,” Elizabeth said quietly. “I kinda think I deserve it.”

“Oh no, honey,” Willow assured her. “You don’t-”

“But it’s my fault,” Elizabeth pointed out.

“The break-up, yes,” Willow agreed. “I don’t think there’s much argument on that.”

“Well, that’s good to know,” Elizabeth shivered slightly.

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t get why you did it,” Willow hastily added. “I mean, you had all this conflicting stuff, and something had to happen, so you made your choice, and… I guess, if it was the right one for you to make…”

“God, the first real choice that I make, and I completely blow it!” Elizabeth exclaimed in disgust.

“I wouldn’t say you completely blew it,” Willow assured her. “I mean, this does relieve the pressure on you a bit…”

“Except that everyone hates me now,” Elizabeth said gloomily. “That kinda adds a whole load of pressure right there.”

“Everyone doesn’t hate you,” Willow insisted. “They’re just both Spike’s friends and your friends, and they kinda don’t want to have to choose between you. So, that just makes everything weird since no one knows what to do now that you’re not together.”

“I don’t know what to do now that we’re not together,” Elizabeth pointed out.

“Well, that’s what you’ve got to figure out,” Willow pointed out. “You gave up something big - huge - to figure this problem out.”

“So why isn’t it any easier now?” Elizabeth demanded petulantly.

“’Cause I think there’s some universal rule that things just keep getting harder,” Willow admitted ruefully.

Elizabeth nodded in agreement. “I thought everything was supposed to get clearer,” she sighed, “but now all I can think about is how much I miss him…”

“And that’s not clearer?” Willow inquired gently…

Blue Horizons
Chapter Forty

“Elizabeth, how’s your project coming along?”

Elizabeth started at the voice. It was actually one she’d been avoiding by keeping all sorts of wacky studio hours. “All right,” she lied through her teeth. She’d been pretty permanently stumped ever since she got the assignment. There were a couple ideas she’d considered bouncing off of Spike, but that option was closed to her now.

“Blank canvas kind of ‘all right’?” Joyce pointed out wryly.

Elizabeth looked at the empty painting before her. “Yeah, well…” she trailed off, not knowing what to say.

“You’ll have all of Spring Break to think about it,” Joyce assured her. A devilish smile crossed her face. “And at least you haven’t just spun off a self-portrait like certain other students who will not be named…”

Elizabeth grinned at the two spectacularly un-thought-out final projects that a pair of jocks had graced the studio with. “I’m stuck,” she agreed.

“You’ve come up with something to be stuck on, and that’s half the work right there,” Joyce encouraged her.

Elizabeth bit her lip. “Look,” she finally began, “do you know-?”

“That something came between you and my son?” Joyce finished for her. “Yeah, I know. Although only second-hand, since apparently this is a ‘call dad’ sort of problem…”

“How can you still be so nice to me, then?” Elizabeth wondered.

Joyce sighed. “You hurt my baby,” she agreed, “and the mother in me is screaming for blood. But the teacher…the teacher sees another young student, horribly confused by life, and it’s the teacher’s job to help with that.”

“So you want to kill me and help me?” Elizabeth inquired with a smile.

“Just the ‘help’ part, really,” Joyce assured her. “It’s half of what being a grown-up’s about.”

“I don’t think I could do that,” Elizabeth admitted. “I’d be killing me right now. Or, at least, writing a big, fat F in my grade-book.”

“I didn’t realize that dating William was part of the curriculum,” Joyce teased lightly. “Although,” she turned a skeptical eye to the pair of crappily sketched portraits off to one corner, “that might explain a few things…”

Elizabeth managed a smile.

“And you don’t seem to be denouncing my son’s name from the highest parapets,” Joyce pointed out. “That’s quite an accomplishment of maturity right there.”

“It wasn’t his fault,” Elizabeth insisted.

Joyce smiled. “You know, he says the same thing about you. You two seem to have the opposite of the usual blame-game, more like the anti-blame-game.”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “How can he possibly think it’s his fault?” she demanded. “I was the one who-”

“Why don’t you ask him?” Joyce pressed softly. “I get the feeling that you kids didn’t quite talk things through enough.”

Elizabeth groaned. “I suck at the talking,” she admitted. “I…I don’t mean… It just comes out all wrong!” she exclaimed in exasperation.

“It seems to come out just fine,” Joyce countered, “only to the wrong person.”

Elizabeth couldn’t really argue with that.

“Now,” Joyce turned to the blank canvas that had mocked Elizabeth for so long, “don’t tell me you don’t have any ideas?”

Elizabeth’s brow furrowed as she ran through her chaotic thoughts about the project. After only a moment’s pondering, she opened her mouth to speak…

* * *

“Can we…talk?” Elizabeth ventured nervously.

Spike’s expression was a perfect mixture of anger and hope, stubbornness and uncertainty.

“If you don’t want to, I’ll understand,” she assured him. “But I would like to…talk.” God, why was it so hard to get that word out? “God, why is it so hard to get that word out?” she repeated out loud.

He curiously raised an eyebrow.

“I’m trying not to suck,” she explained.

A slight twitch of his lips.

“At talking, I mean,” she hastily amended, “Mr. Gutter-Mind. I’m trying to break my habit of saying idiotic things that have no connection to what I’m thinking.”

“Yeah, know exactly what you mean,” he agreed, scratching his scarred eyebrow absentmindedly.

“So can we?” she inquired. “Talk, I mean. And I promise not to suck.”

A little chortle escaped his lips.

“Or I promise I will,” she ventured to tease. “Whatever will get you to agree to talk to me.”

He gulped at that. “Cruel vixen,” he joked lightly.

She shrugged, unable to deny the accusation. “Do you want me to go away, or do you want to talk?” she inquired again.

He gave her a skeptical look before swinging the door open. “Hurry up about it, Summers,” he grumbled. “’ve got better things to do, y’know…”

She couldn’t help but smile, charmed by his defensive posturing. “Yeah, the middle of midterms is probably a shitty time,” she agreed. “Does that suck, too?”

“Not so much,” he assured her. “Just finished a paper.” He settled down into the chair at his desk.

“History?”

“English.”

“Oh. Right,” Elizabeth nodded, shutting the door behind her. Nervously readjusting her skirts, she sat on the edge of the armchair across from him.

For a moment, they each looked at the other in anticipation.

“You wanted to talk,” he finally spoke up.

“Um, yeah…” Her cheeks flushed. “The thing is that you do this thing to me where my heart starts pounding like crazy and I can’t think straight and…” She trailed off, embarrassed.

“Should see a doctor about that,” he retorted.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. It was much easier to think this way; she could just pretend that she was saying the words out loud to herself, practicing them…

“I’m sorry about some of the things I said,” she began.

“Oh?”

The metallic click of a lighter let her know that he’d just lit up a cigarette. She was surprised to find that she’d missed the scent. He always smoked cigarettes from England, and they were much better smelling than the cheap Americans brands. Very distinctive, too. She allowed herself to savor the scent for a minute, let it wash over her…

“I…implied some stuff,” she agreed. “I got angry and…some of the vital stuff - the stuff that didn’t make it quite so bad - didn’t really get said.”

“This other stuff happen to be a ‘not’ in the sentence ‘we’re over’?” he inquired.

“Not exactly,” she said apologetically.

“Then, isn’t this whole conversation a bit like pourin’ salt into an open wound?” he countered.

She sighed and ventured to open her eyes, looking right at him once more. “You were the best thing I’ve ever had in my life,” she admitted softly.

Whatever he’d been expecting, it certainly hadn’t been that.

She waited until the complete stunned surprise was over before she continued. After all, it was hard enough to find words to describe this once, so she wanted to be sure he heard her. “This isn’t easy for me, or fun. Every second I…” She let out a sigh of exasperation when the words failed her once more. “I feel like I’m drowning,” she finally began once more, “and you’re the oxygen I need to live, and I just need to go back to you, and then everything will be all right again…”

“Are you sayin’ you want to get back together?” His tone was carefully neutral.

“No…well, yes…well, I don’t know… Argh!” she exclaimed in frustration. “Why can’t I…?”

He shrugged and took a quick drag of his cigarette. Elizabeth watched his fingers fidget over the filter. He was undoubtedly nervous and probably just as confused as she was. It would’ve been nice to know whether he hated her or loved her or both, but she didn’t really think it was fair to ask. Plus, she’d given up her shot of doing this the easy way, so hard way it was…

“We were kinda doomed,” she finally settled on a few short sentences. “And not because you didn’t love me enough or,” her face flushed, “I didn’t love you enough. We were just from different worlds. And I’m not saying my world’s better,” she insisted vehemently. “It’s just…different. In some ways it’s worse than your world, and there are some things that I like about it. It’s just this completely different…thing.” Her hands fluttered about in exasperation at how badly this was turning out.

“Fascinating,” he said sarcastically. “Really.”

She knew what he was doing. He was trying to bite at her insecurities about her intelligence because he was afraid she was going to cut into him next. It really was scary how well she knew him. And this time she wasn’t going to rise to the bait.

“That trick won’t work on me,” she pointed out gently.

He seemed to slump into his chair in response, looking more defeated than she’d ever seen him. It was clear from the circles beneath his eyes that he hadn’t been sleeping well. It was probably evidence of crying as well. The urge to just go over to him and hold him and take care of him was practically overwhelming, but she fought it.

“Just get it over with an’ get out,” he demanded sullenly.

She gave him a soft smile. “You know what I wish?” she asked.

“What?” he gave her a scowl for good-measure.

“That all these problems would just go away. Then I could beg your forgiveness, and everything would be good again.”

“What makes you think ‘d give it?” he bit back hurtfully.

“I don’t know if you would,” she admitted. “I’d like to think so, but that isn’t what matters. What I really want to do right now is try to win you back. Just try.”

“If everythin’ else went away,” he reminded her with a grumble. It was a more gentle grumble now, though.

“Yeah, but it’s not going to just vanish on its own, is it?” she agreed.

“Rarely does.”

“And that’s kinda why I had to do this,” she sighed. “Why I have to fight every instinct in my body that’s just telling me to go to you.”

“The sense vanished a while back,” he informed her.

“Sorry about that,” she assured him. “That would be the sucking.”

“’ve heard worse,” he pointed out.

She managed a rueful smile in response. “I don’t know what I want to do with my life,” she admitted. “I’m just a kid, really. But, thanks to my ever-annoying father, this huge choice has been forced upon me, and I’m really just not ready to make it.”

“’d kinda noticed,” he accused.

She grimaced. “Yeah, well it’s not exactly going to give me the time I need,” she decided. “If I want to choose the one path, I’ve got to do it now. I go for the other… Well, in a lot of ways, that’s the path of least resistance.”

“The path of non-resistance,” Spike echoed softly.

“And I don’t know which one I want,” she concluded. “There are some appealing things about each and…” She shook her head. “No one should have to deal with this,” she decided.

“But you do.”

“But I do,” she echoed. “God, I’m so sorry to have put through all of this…”

“’S your life,” he pointed. “I wanted to be a part ‘f it. The good and the bad.”

“And the ugly,” she grimaced.

He managed a ghost of a smile. The first she’d seen since she came in.

“I miss you,” she informed him wistfully.

The smile was gone. “Yeah,” he said flatly, grabbing for another cigarette.

“I really do, y’know,” she repeated just as confidently. “I wake up at night and…well, usually I manage to roll right off the bed ‘cause I’m not used to being alone in it.”

No reaction beyond disinterested contemplation.

“I actually had to start sleeping the other way, so now I crash into the wall instead,” she went on. She sighed. “Is there anything I can say?” she wondered hopelessly.

He thought about that for a long time. “Not sure,” he finally admitted.

“I never wanted to see you hurt,” she assured him. “God, I just…” She got choked up at this point and had to fight back tears. She blinked in surprise when a Kleenex box tapped her on the shoulder.

“Had to stock up,” Spike muttered, looking her in the eyes for the first time.

She managed a shy smile. “Thanks,” she whispered, taking a tissue and blowing her reddened nose. “Kinda have a Kleenex farm back in my own room, too.”

“A necessity.” He backed away and sat back down in the desk chair.

His distance was like a palpable ache, but she forced herself to concentrate. “I wanted it to be better,” she finally got on track. “For you.”

“This is better?” he inquired skeptically, scarred eyebrow raised.

“Well, see, the idea was that you would move on and be free. Run off and be merry,” she joked lightly. “There’d be some frolicking and the like, and I’d still be stuck in my miserable life, but I’d at least know that you were happy.”

“Martyr complex much?” he scoffed.

“Much,” she agreed. “Very much. But…”

“Another ‘but’,” he sighed wearily.

“There are some things that I have to do alone,” she informed him, “and I realize that it’s not fair to you, but-”

“What’s not fair to me is you tryin’ to dictate all this to me without even botherin’ to explain yourself,” he interrupted angrily.

“I’m trying to explain!” she shot back. “If you would just listen, I-“ She cut herself off and took several deep, relaxing breaths to calm herself down. “Why are you making this so difficult?” she wondered in exasperation.

“Me?!” he demanded in shocked indignation.

“Yes, you,” she agreed. “Are you really so afraid of what I have to say that you decide to turn everything into a scream-fest instead? ‘Cause I gotta say, me screaming is a lot worse than me talking.”

“’m not doin’ a bleedin’ thing,” he insisted.

“You’re trying to provoke me,” she countered, “and we both know it.”

He sulked with all the skill of pouty child. Elizabeth’s respect for Joyce increased tenfold. He must’ve been one hell of a handful what with the stubbornness and that adorable lower lip jutting out. Almost impossible to refuse…

“There are just some things I need to figure out,” she continued doggedly. “For me. I need to know that I’m making the right choice, and I need to know that it’s something I’m doing for myself and not just because it’s what you want me to do.”

“Only wanted what made you happy,” he insisted.

She smiled softly. “I know,” she assured him, “but I need to figure out what makes me happy.”

“And ‘m not it?” he demanded, eyes fierce.

“No, you are,” she insisted. “Or were, or…something. But there’s got to be more to me than ‘us’, and I need to know what that is before I…” She sighed. “I just need some time.”

“Right. And we couldn’t discuss this earlier because…?” he snarked.

“Because I’m very, very confused right now, and it took me this long just to piece together that much,” she informed him matter-of-factly.

His eyes flickered heavenward for an instant as if seeking inspiration. “I would’ve-” he began.

“I know,” she assured him, “but I need to do this alone. If I let you help me… I’ll just cave into you because I really can’t resist you very well, baby, and then it’ll just be me going along with whatever happens and never really bothering to learn…”

“Wasn’t exactly complainin’,” he pointed out.

“No, you were,” she countered, “in your own way. And you were right.”

“Told you so,” he couldn’t help but tease.

A silent laugh followed her smile. “Yeah, you did,” she agreed. Her fingers suddenly felt the irresistible urge to reach out for him. She sat on her hands in response.

He smirked around his cigarette as if he knew exactly why she had just done that. Which he probably did.

“When I look at you,” she began nervously, “I see such strength and…I want that.”

A quirked eyebrow.

Her face flushed. “Not like that,” she hastily amended. “I don’t want you, I just-” All-out flinch. “I do want you,” she corrected, “but that wasn’t what I was talking about.” She nervously braced herself for the imminent explosion, eyes squeezed shut tight.

He chuckled. “Go on, pet,” he assured her that he was more amused than offended by her strange rant.

She gave him a grateful smile. “Why do I suck so much?” she wondered.

“As I recall, you din’t suck much at all.” The words from his lips without thought. He grimaced. “’m sorry,” he insisted immediately. “I din’t mean-”

“It’s all right,” she assured him hastily, blushing slightly. The fact that she didn’t do that had been an issue they’d carefully skirted around, largely because she wasn’t enough over Angel’s assault to really handle it.

“Just to prove that I suck, too,” Spike sighed wearily.

Elizabeth couldn’t help but giggle at that. “And very well, too,” she informed him.

“Bloody hell!” He rolled his eyes heavenwards.

“Sorry,” she assured him, “too good a set-up to refuse. Although maybe we should find a less, er…distracting word than ‘suck’. How about ‘blow’?”

He gave her a disbelieving look.

She whapped herself on the forehead. “Words hate me,” she informed him, hopelessly embarrassed.

“Dunno,” he shrugged, “they seem to be havin’ fun.”

“As long as they’re laughing with me and not at me,” she shrugged. “So where was I?”

“Well, you were blowing for a while, an’ then you were sucking, and before that you were sayin’ how you wanted me,” Spike responded unhelpfully.

Elizabeth gave him an annoyed glare. “What would I ever do without you?”

“An’ that was before all that other stuff,” Spike agreed.

Elizabeth sighed as the conversation turned serious once more. “That’s what I need to know the answer to,” she informed him. “Because I know I can do it. As nice as the words ‘I need you’ are, they’re never really true.”

“There were a couple times when you got me…” Spike began to joke before trailing off. He nodded slowly.

“You deserve…” she sighed. “You deserve so much more. You deserve someone who can be just as strong and confident as you are. Someone who knows their path and-”

“’S all a myth, you know,” he pointed out. “I have no more clue what I wanna do with my life than you do.”

“But you’re-”

“What?” he cut her off again. “’m a sophomore with no major, no clue what I want to do when I graduate. I just put on more airs than you. We’re no different.”

“Given that I have to make my choice right now,” Elizabeth pointed out, “I’d say there’s still a difference. And you deserve-”

“If I deserve so much, why can’t I deserve what I want?” he pointed out.

She shook her head. “You’re trying to annoy me again,” she informed him. “You’re-”

“’m-”

“-intentionally cutting off all my sentences,” she plowed straight through yet another interruption.

He couldn’t help but let out a bark of laughter at that. “Doesn’t anythin’ work on you?” he wondered absentmindedly.

“Nope,” she assured him. “Because I know all about you. Every little thing, every little quirk, so you’ll just have to get used to it. You can’t trick me. I can see beyond any bravado you put up.”

He seemed strangely touched by her admission, and she immediately wished she’d told him something like this sooner. “I did have a point,” he finally commented with a sigh.

She nodded. “You did,” she agreed, “and you very much deserve me - hell, way better than me - if that’s what you still want.”

“And here comes another ‘but’,” he predicted.

“This is where I got the strange notion in my head that all I had to do was think about something and you’d instantly pick up on it telepathically,” she only half-teased.

“I have no clue what you’re about to say,” he assured her.

“Good,” she decided. “It’d be pretty pointless to have this conversation if you did.”

“Words can be nice,” he countered.

“Yeah,” she agreed softly, “they can. But these words aren’t going to be nice. They’re going to be kinda painful, harsh, even a bit selfish.”

“In other words, real,” he commented.

“Unfortunately,” she agreed.

“Let’s have it then,” he insisted, his voice quavering only slightly. “’ve got plenty more Kleenex where that came from.”

She smiled at him sadly. “I have to be by myself for a while,” she informed him. “I need to figure some things out, and when I do, I have to really be sure that it was me who made the choice.”

He let out a weary sigh. “And ‘m supposed to what? Just sit around and wait while you make a choice that could cut me out of your life completely?”

“No,” she bit her lower lip, “I don’t expect you to do that for me. If you want to move on, I’ll understand. I’ll be pissed, but I’ll understand.”

“This is some clever way of makin’ it all my fault, isn’t it?” he half-joked.

“No,” she assured him, “not your fault. We’ve both got issues, but…I’m the one who has to work on things at the moment. I don’t expect you to wait for me.”

“Good,” he crossed his arms over his chest defensively, “’cause ‘m not promisin’ you anything.”

She managed to keep the inner smile off her face. Despite what he said, she had a sneaking suspicion deep down inside… In any case, she’d done something right here today because the naked hurt in his eyes had been replaced by something else. Not exactly the open love and devotion he’d shown her before. More like understanding. And maybe a little hope.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, daring to approach him.

He didn’t move away.

“I’m just…difficult,” she assured him.

“’S the difficult ones that’re worth it,” he responded matter-of-factly.

She smiled and leaned in to brush her lips across his forehead. To her surprise, he didn’t try to stop her when she backed away again. Although that was definitely a good thing because it would have been so easy for her to fall back into her old pattern right then. Just a word, really, or a look…

He was very studiously not looking at her. Apparently, the chipped black nail polish on his thumb was quite fascinating.

“I miss you,” she informed him, hand on the doorknob. “God, I miss you so much…” She discovered much to her chagrin that her eyes were tearing up again. She batted at them ineffectively.

“Luv…” His face was closed off from her again now, but his voice sounded strained.

A fierce resolve took over her in that moment. There was so much she was still unsure of, but of one thing she was positive: she never, ever wanted to hear that pained tone in his voice again. Somehow, something was going to have to change and…

“I’ll see you around,” she assured him with a wan smile before leaving him alone to his thoughts once more…

Next