Chapter 10:

Buffy knocked on the hotel door that possibly would lead her to some answers. That would maybe give her the ammunition to protect her family from him truly entering and disrupting their lives.

To say she was shocked with how young this doctor looked when he answered the door would have been an understatement. It threw her for a loop and raised her suspicions.

Wesley recognized the look and said, "I take it you are surprised that I'm not some older version with horn rimmed glasses, dressed in tweed, and looking in need of assistance of my own."

Buffy immediately relaxed hearing the humor in his voice. "Well, I have to admit I was expecting someone more mature looking."

"Ah, it's the mature that gets them every time," Wesley teased, as he opened the door and asked her, "Please come in, I took it upon myself to order some tea and cookies if you don't mind."

She could see how this man could have won the trust of Spike and his family. Either he was a charmer at the height of his game, or a true nurturing human being that really wanted to help a man get his life back together.

"Please, sit and make yourself as comfortable as you can. I am not here to judge you or tell you what you should do. I'm just here to assist both of you anyway I can to talk about what happened a little over a year ago, but I have to say my priority is William's well being."

"I understand." Buffy replied as she took the seat by the window.

"Before I get started, is there anything you wish to ask before hand?"

"I hope he doesn't expect me to come back to him?"

Wesley sighed as he looked at her with sad eyes and say, "Actually the exact opposite, he expects you to ask him to leave and never come back, I think he's preparing himself for just that."

"And the children?"

"He wants very badly to be their father, but doesn't think he could be as good as a father as Riley. Maybe I had better just say this now. Between his father and Fred, together they've stripped him of any real self worth. I'm not sure he will ever find it again, he is not here really to find closure for himself, but for you. His thoughts and plans during this journey to find you was he didn't want you thinking he meant what he said about your mother."

"Please, I have a hard time believing he didn't mean what he said to me that day."

"Mrs. Finn, or can I call you Buffy? I'm sorry I should have formally introduced myself earlier, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, you can call me Wes if you'd like."

"Wes, Buffy would be fine."

"Buffy, he does not remember much of anything during that time. What he knows is what he has read from Miss Burkle's journal and what others have told him. You see she kept a rather precise journal concerning her time spent with William and none of it is pretty. She was a rather sick woman that unfortunately no one realized it before she ruined his life. He gets pieces here and there, mostly when he dreams, and I question how much it really his memory or nightmares of what he read."

"What has that got to do with me?"

"It has everything to do with you it would seem. She used her influence and knowledge with the help of illegal substances, and legal medication to take advantage and make him believe you did not love him, but was using him. She used the fact that she was there and you weren't to warp his sense of who loved him and who didn't. She managed to separate him from his friends and family. She made him believe, they would take her away from him if they found out about their relationship. She was able to manipulate herself into the position of being his salvation. She used a few hypnotic tricks to plant ideas in his head."

"How can I help him?"

"By just giving him a chance to apologize for the hell he put you through since that day he told you he didn't love you." Wesley said and then suggested, "Maybe if you tell him he didn't do anything wrong, he might start to believe it."

"Where is Fred now?"

Wesley bowed his head and sighed, "She's dead, killed herself soon after the birth of their daughter."

"That poor little girl, her mother's dead, and her father ignores her." Buffy felt angry, not understanding how Spike could not love his daughter.

"William has his reasons, and if you decide to view his side you might have a better understanding concerning his feelings toward his daughter." Wesley politely reprimanded the young woman who was being quick to judge.

"I'm sorry I just have a hard time believing a parent could ignore the fact their child needs them."

"You took it upon yourself to keep your children's father from knowing they existed, so who are you to judge?" Wesley countered. "You made a decision based on your feelings at the time, so what makes him less human? If I'm not mistaken you even turned your back on your friends that have done nothing but worry about you and wondered if you were even alive all this time."

Buffy realized he was telling the harsh truth. She was no better then him for running and hiding the truth from everyone, including her best friend, Willow. Leaving them all behind, so she wouldn't have to deal with Spike's rejection of her and the lives they had created.

"I have something I would like you to read. Fred had left all of her belongings to Spike, and thank God she had. If she hadn't I never would've found her journal and figured out just what it was I needed to put Spike on the road to a possible real recovery. I've blackened out the intimate parts, but bare in mind she used those times as her secret weapon to strip him down and rebuild him to meet her needs." Wesley warned her as he handed her a very thick stack of papers.

"What is this?"

"Photo copies of her journal, William at first didn't want you to read it. But after yesterday he's not so sure he could tell you everything in person that the journal could tell you more clearly. I have to tell you he was rather shocked you asked to talk with me."

"Really?"

"He expected never to hear from you."

"I love my husband."

"I believe you."

"Do you really believe that Spike can be a father to the twins?"

"I think he is already a great father, for he is thinking about their welfare before his."

Buffy felt the tears threaten as she whispered, "He always said his child would always come first and will always know he loves them."

"I will let you in a little secret. I think for him to love Abby, that's his daughter's name, he needs you to forgive him, so he can forgive himself and then find it in his heart to forgive Fred for what she's done. It's like the domino effect, all it takes is one domino to start the breaking down of walls one builds around themselves to keep the world at bay."

Buffy smiled sadly as she realized he was right, "I will try and do my best, and maybe reading this will make it better."

"Take it one day at a time, and if you have any questions feel free to call me anytime."

"Thank you!"

"You're very welcome."

"No, I mean thank you for being here for him."

"He is very special to me."

"Do you love him?"

"Not in the way you think, I've been with him for 13 months, and he's come to be like a brother to me. You can't help but care about him."

"Yeah, he has a way of just worming in and before you know it he's in your heart." Buffy giggled.

"My girlfriend, Kate is great at understanding it as well. He sort of did the same with her."

"He's lucky to have you taking care of him, you have a gift with people." Buffy complimented him.

"Thank you, and please remember it is not pleasant reading I just gave you. If any point you wish to stop and let me tell you the condensed version let me know."

"No, I think that I will suffer through and read it all, how better to understand what this witch did to him, to us."

"My door and phone is at your disposal anytime."

"I will remember that."

"Is there anything else I might be able to help you with?"

"Do you think you can refer me to someone for couple counseling, not for me and Riley as a couple, but how to deal with the prospect of Spike being a part of the twins' life?"

"I will make some phone calls and see what I come up with. I have a few connections that can help me find someone near by and the best at their job."

Wesley walked her to the door and bid her farewell. He knew he'd be seeing her again soon. He could tell that she did love her husband, but her heart was still in love with someone else.

*******

The tears fell as she read how the night Spike had called her all looped up on drugs was the night this bitch had violated her man. By the time she was done with just that portion she wanted Fred back alive just so she could kill her herself.

The more she read the harder it was to hold Spike responsible for his actions. It became apparent that it was the shit that crazy, so-called doctor had planted in his brain.

Riley became concerned when he noticed the tears running down his wife's face. "Buffy, leave it, don't read anymore."

"I have to, you don't understand what she did to him, God Riley it's unspeakable what she did to his mind. How she abused him."

"I find it hard to believe she abused him."

Buffy became angry and thrust the papers, "Here, read it for yourself, read how she raped him. She raped his body, his mind, and soul."

Riley kept from rolling his eyes as he took the papers from her and began to read. His medical training and military training did nothing to prepare him for what he was about the read.

"Holy shit!"

"Yeah, read on, it only gets better." Buffy said sarcastically.

"Dear, lord, Buffy I can see why he has a hard time with accepting his daughter."

"Yeah, you can say that again. I'm not sure I should've let you read that."

"No, don't worry it's safe with me, I would never do anything to add to his pain and suffering."

"I understand why he needs me."

Riley closed his eyes as he realized something as well. He would never doubt his wife's love, but he knew she was still in love with Spike. The words on the paper in his hand made him realize that for some reason he now had what really belonged to another man. Spike's chance of being with the woman he loved, and who had given birth to his children ended up stolen from him.

"I know I do, I understand perfectly why." Riley sighed, wondering if he would be able to stand letting her go.

"Riley, I'm not going to leave you for him. I've made my life with you now."

"You and me, it's based on a lie. You came with me believing he didn't love you, that there was no future with him."

"I will honor our vows. I do love you."

"But you're in love with him."

"Riley, don't do this."

"Buffy, I understand, I really do."

"No! You don't, it would seem. I will do what I can to help him, within reason, to find what he needs to move on, if he wants to be a father to the twins, I won't stop him. I will not leave you to go and live with him. We might be able to become friends, but that is all."

Riley in his heart knew that she was running from her true feelings, afraid to trust that kind of love she had with Spike again. He would play along for now, and see where things go, but prepared to let her go if need be.

"I think we've read enough for tonight, don't you?" Buffy asked, as she took the papers out of her husband's hands and placed them on the desktop.

"Yes, more then either of us wanted, but needed to know."

"I can't even imagine what he's gone through." Buffy said as she followed her husband into their bedroom.

"I can." Riley said as he turned to look at his lovely wife and explained. "I would be devastated beyond reason to find out I lost the woman I loved this way. To find out another man has shared with her the things that should have been mine would be like a stake in my heart and someone was grinding it deeper every time I thought about it. Knowing another man was playing father to my children would eat me up inside."

Buffy began to cry as she saw the true pain on Riley's face and in his voice was telling her. "I don't know what to do, I really am at a crossroads."

Riley gathered her in his arms and said truthfully, "Follow your heart, Buffy, it won't lead you astray."

"It did once."

"Did it now? I don't see it that way. I see it was true, it knew to trust him, and he didn't betray that trust, it was taken from both of you. That bitch stole both of your lives, not just his. She stole from your children their real father and the chance to have spent their first six months of life with him. She stole something from me as well; she stole from me the time that I could have used to get over loving you, not that I regret the time I've had with you."

Buffy tears flowed as she broke down and sobbed causing Riley to lift her up and carry her to their room. There he placed her on the bed, crawling up along side her, letting her wrap her arms around him and continue to cry against his chest. His tears mixed with hers as they fell asleep holding on to one another.

*******
 

Chapter 11:
A/N: I wish to thank everyone that has stayed with this story. I hope you keep the faith.

"So, how did it go?" Xander asked, watching with pride as his wife walked around rubbing her very pregnant belly.

"It was hard on him finding out Buffy had been pregnant when she left." Angel explained to his friend and band mate over the phone.

Xander whistled softly, getting Anya's attention, "Buffy had Will's baby?"

Anya's eyes grew big as she plopped down on the chair as she waited patiently for her husband to get off the phone. She prayed that William would be strong enough to handle all of this.

"Twins."

"Wow, twins!" Xander sighed, feeling his heart grow heavy thinking about what William had missed.

"Yeah." Angel replied and then changed the subject by asking, "what's everyone doing to pass the time?"

"Sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear from you guys. Tara is meditating and doing that thing she does to send William strength. Oz and Willow are with Seth and little Ally waiting to hear more so they can ask about Buffy and if they can see her. Penn is wondering when his mentors are coming back." Xander rattled off as his wife blew him a kiss. "My wife is blowing you kisses."

"Tell Oz and Willow I will ask Buffy about contacting them once things settle a bit." Angel promised wanting to close his eyes, make a wish for everything to be okay and have it come true. "Tell Anya, back at her."

"Tell boy wonder we are here for him and all he has to do is call and I'm on the next plane out."

"I will do that." Angel sighed, wishing they were all here right now, giving his cousin their support.

"Hey, if only we knew then what we know now, ya know."

"Yeah, I know, but what's past is past, we just need to try and salvage the future." Angel replied, wishing he'd been a better cousin and noticed what Fred had been doing all along.

"We will, wait and see. He will come out of this stronger in the end, you mark my words." Xander's voice sounded confident, having never faltered in his belief that his friend would beat this.

"I'm glad we have you, Xan-man. You are the loyal soul that keeps us believing."

"You betcha, tomorrow is Oz's turn to call for the update and be the morale booster."

"I appreciate everything you guys have done."

"Hey it's what family is for, and family sticks together."

"Tell Anya I said hey and hope little Harris is not giving her too much trouble."

"I will, buddy, give Cordy a kiss on the cheek and tell her it's from me." Xander said with a teasing smile and wink toward his wife.

"I will do that." Angel laughed, knowing his girl would then give him a look, roll her eyes and say, "Damn, he just has to invoke my nightmare of that day in kindergarten when he kissed my cheek and I had to wash my face to get his cooties off."

"Have the washcloth close by." Xander chuckled, knowing what she would do.

"Take care man and be talking to you soon."

"You too and tell William I'm in his corner no matter what."

Both men hung up the phone with sad hearts. They knew that it was a long shot that William's dream would come true and he'd get the girl of his dreams this time. But, then it had been a long shot the man would ever play guitar again after slashing his wrist thirteen months ago, but yet he could still play just as good if not better then before the injury.

*******

Hearing a knock at the door, Wes opened it, wondering if it was Buffy coming to talk. To his surprise a man, fitting the description William had given him of Mr. Finn stood before him. He could tell the man was extremely nervous.

"Can I help you?"

"Are you Wesley Wyndam-Pryce?"

"Yes, may I ask who might be?"

"Riley Finn, Buffy's husband."

"Mr. Finn, please come in." Wesley stood aside and ushered him in.

Riley walked in the room with his hands in his pockets, feeling more nervous then on the day that Buffy had become his wife. He knew there was a chance the man before him would not tell him what he needed to know, but it was worth a try.

"Mr. Finn." Wesley said as he started to ask why the man was here.

"Riley, please call me Riley."

Wesley could see that the man was nervous, and wished there was something he could do to help him to relax. "You can call me Wes or Wesley."

"I know you must be wondering why I'm here."

"Yes, it has crossed my mind." Wesley replied, sounding curious and not at all upset.

"I'm not here to cause any problems, you see I'm a doctor myself, I'm enlisted with the Army right now. To be honest I'm not sure why I'm here exactly." Riley sighed as he glanced away.

Wesley wondered if Buffy had shared a part, if not all, of what he'd given her of Fred's journal with her husband. He was sure if she had, it was for a very good reason and in his client's best interest. He would give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

"Riley I will advice you as I did your wife to seek counseling for you both. I'm really not at liberty to discuss this matter with you."

"I know, I just wanted to meet you, to get a feel that you're on the up and up." Riley explained as he walked over and stared out the window. "A part of me wants to ask him to leave and never come back. Another part wants me to bow out, let him have his family, the one that is mine only because of what happened to him. Then the third is to offer what assistance I can but keep my family intact as much as possible."

Wesley got the answer to his question, she had let him read the journal, "I take it she let you read the journal?"

"She was so upset while reading it, I got a bit angry. So she then wanted me to understand his pain and made me read it. I promise it stays with me no matter what, I would not betray him like that." Riley promised, his voice shaky with sadness.

"I would say to let time take its course, and that it's normal to want to ask him to leave, to protect those you love. It also shows that you are a good man, to even consider, backing down. Either way I cannot advice you, but I have gotten some high marks of recommendations concerning a Dr. Walsh who practices not far from here. I strongly encourage you and Buffy not to make any rash decisions until you've talked to someone. If you'd like I can place a call to Dr. Walsh to see if she can fit you in. I hear she has a military background so she would be easy for you to investigate."

"I have heard about her. She takes on some of the more difficult cases for us." Riley explained, feeling glad he came here today. "Buffy was right, you're a nice guy. Loyal to Spike, yet fair."

"May I ask that in the future you refer to Spike as William, he's not comfortable with that moniker any longer."

"Sure, no problem."

"Good, now is there anything further I can do for you?"

"Just tell William I will not stand in the way of him being a father to his children if he wishes. But I will continue to be an important part of their lives."

"I'm sure he will be happy to hear that and will want to meet with you in the future to discuss it further."

"I will meet with him anytime he is ready, no rush."

Wesley walked over to the desk and wrote down the information concerning Dr. Walsh. He then turned and walked back to where Riley was standing, handing him the information.

"Here is her number, so you don't have to look it up if you both decide to go and see her."

"I will talk to Buffy about it tonight."

"Does she know you were coming here today?"

"No, but I will tell her."

"Good, secrets right now are not good."

"Never planned on it being a secret, just didn't want to cause her any unnecessary worry."

"But remember we are talking about a woman." Wesley replied in a teasing manner.

Riley chuckled, feeling relaxed as he said, "You're right, I think it's time I go and face the music."

Wesley looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, "I would not sugar coat it or present with flowers and candy. I don't think Buffy is that kind of woman."

Riley couldn't get over how much the man understood his wife, having just met her, "You have her pegged. How do you do that?"

Wesley smiled shyly as he answered honestly, "I just have a knack at reading people, it's a part of what makes me good at what I do."

"William's lucky to have you."

"I will pass on to him everything you have said, and I thank you for your kind words." Wesley said as he held out his hand. "I must say it was a pleasure to have met you. I just wish it could have been under less stressful times."

Riley accepted the handshake with a firm grip, "Same here."

Wesley walked him to the door and took sometime to think about the man's presence here today. He knew that Riley was just another victim caught up in the fallout of what Fred had done. Buffy's husband was a good man with a good heart and Wesley was glad this was not one of them damn reality shows with him as the judge.

*******

"So he came to check you out, did he?" William chuckled nervously, "Can't say that I blame him."

"No, can't say I do either."

"He said he'd not prevent me being a father to my son."

Wesley felt bad not telling his client and friend the truth about the twins as he replied, "Correct."

"So she let him read the journal."

"It think she made a sound decision, she will need his support after all."

"Yeah, she will." William said as he stood and walked over toward the window with his shoulders hunched looking defeated. "I think I'm ready to leave now."

"Would you like to explain that statement?"

"She knows the truth, now."

"And?"

"She has a good life here."

"Go on."

"She and the boy will be better off with him."

"I think you should talk to her first."

"No, I've decided, its best I move on and just leave her alone."

"I think it's not only your decision to make now she knows the truth."

"But I think it is. I'm choosing not to be a part of my son's life and let a normal bloke with no fucked up issues be the role model he needs."

"I think you are afraid to face her."

"Not so much at facing her. I'm afraid I will not be able to let her or our son go if I talk to her or meet him."

"Give it some more time, don't rush and make any hasty decisions."

William looked over at the man who'd been with him, helping him find his place in life again over the last thirteen months. The first few months had been hell in just getting through the detox from the alcohol, drugs, and Fred's manipulations, the rehab needed on his wrist, and getting him to step out of the house. The rest of the time until now was finding Buffy, getting back into playing with the band as a real functioning member.

"I think I'm going to go for a walk and clear my head."

"Do you wish some company or do you want some alone time." Wesley asked, knowing the man would refuse his company.

"Alone time."

"I will be here if you wish to talk."

"I know."

William walked out the door and headed to the elevator. He was at war with himself on what to do. The need to do the right thing for Buffy and their boy was the most important thing plaguing his mind. It was just hard for him to believe that he would even come close to being what they needed.

*******

"You went to see Wesley?" Buffy asked her husband trying not to get angry.

Riley knew his decision to meet the man was a good one, but going behind his wife's back had been a very bad one. He prayed she would understand where it was he was coming from.

"Yes, I know now I should have told you before I went, but at that time I didn't take the time to think about it."

"Why?"

"I needed to meet the man taking care of Spike, for my own peace of mind after reading that woman's journal." Riley explained as he sat down at the table across from Buffy.

"And what do you think?" She asked, understanding his reasoning. "And just for the record, I do understand, don't like how you went about it, but I do understand why."

"I think he's very good at what he does and that Spike, I mean William, is lucky to have him."

"I agree, and Wes is supposed to give us some a few numbers to some people we should talk to."

"I have someone he recommended; her name is Dr. Maggie Walsh. I haven't met her personally, but she has done some work for us in the past."

"Do you want to call and make an appointment to meet with her?"

"I would, do you mind if I do it, I know my schedule and we can get someone to watch Ryan and Molly."

"Okay, let me know when and then I will let Wes know. I think I might want to talk with Dr. Walsh before I meet with William."

"I'll call her right now and see what can be worked out."

"Great, I'm going to check on the kids and be right back." Buffy replied, since it had been awhile since she had laid them down for their nap.

Riley picked up the phone and dialed the number, feeling relieved it had gone better then he had expected when he told Buffy he'd gone to visit Wesley.

"Dr. Walsh's office, this is Jasmine. How can I assist you?"

"Yes, my name is Dr. Riley Finn and I was wondering if I could speak with Dr. Walsh."

"Most certainly Dr. Finn, hold the line please."

Riley waited on the phone for only a few seconds when someone picked up and said, "This is Maggie Walsh, Mr. Finn, I've been expecting your call."

"You have?"

"Yes, a Mr. Wyndam-Pryce alerted me you and your wife may be calling. He was hoping I would be able to fit you in as soon as I could."

"He's a very thorough man."

"Yes, his reputation is impeccable and well respected. So when is a good time for you?"

"I'm off this Friday, I know it's very short notice."

"Hmm, how about 1pm on Friday then? I would like to meet with you and your wife first and get an idea of why you need my help. Then we can work out the rest and if any single sessions might be needed."

Buffy walked in at the time and Riley replied, "Let me make sure it's an okay time with my wife, can you hold for a moment?"

"Yes, no problem."

"Honey, how about this Friday at one?"

"Great, I can have Barb come over around noon."

"Friday at one will be fine. Did he tell you anything about why we would be coming to see you?"

"No, not a word, other then it would be something in the field I'm researching at the moment."

"Researching?"

"Yes, I'm constantly trying to learn more about second family dynamics and how the family units are not like when we were growing up. It's more common now that the children do not live with both parents and have step parents in the role of their mother or father. My goal is to help as many of these families become well adjusted functioning units that grow together and not apart."

"I see, are you working on a book?" Riley asked cautiously.

"Not one you'd find a Borders or Barnes and Nobles but hopefully in a classroom full of medical students. I'm all about education, not money, Mr. Finn if that answers your question about my ethics."

"It does and thank you for telling me."

"Believe me; my first priority will be helping you and your family." Maggie reassured him.

"Then we will see you on Friday."

"I'm looking forward to doing what I can."

"I hope you can."

Buffy watched her husband as he hung up the phone and gave her an encouraging smile, "Friday at one, and she seems like a nice lady and might be who was need to talk too."

"Great, let me call Wes and let him know I will call him Friday when we get back."

"Okay, baby, I'm going to go and cut the grass before Mr. Harper calls the city on us." Riley said as he gave her a wink and swatted her behind gently.

"You do that Mr. Finn, last thing we need is a visit from the city because of some over grown grass." She teased as she went to get the number out of her purse.

*******

William sat on the e park bench and watched as a father played with his young son. At one time being a dad was one of his biggest dreams. Now it was one of the most painful times in his life. One baby made him cringe at the thought of seeing her, which saddened his heart greatly. The other one was in a better place without him in it.

The more he thought about it, he could only think of one thing to do that would help them both. He knew Giles and Jenny would probably disown him for what he was about to do. The little girl needed a good and stable home where she'd never find out about her mother's fall from grace and her father's inability to look past how she was conceived. Adoption was the only answer he could think of.

As for Ryan, he could remember seeing how Riley had been holding the baby. It screamed protection, love, and good father material. He trusted Buffy enough to realize she'd never have someone that close to her and their boy and not trust him. Riley Finn he could say with all honesty was a good man, someone he'd feel comfortable raising his son.

A song came to mind as he began to hum, then he began to sing softly

Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,
Love was such a easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Angel stood behind the man he loved like a brother as tears ran down his face. He could feel the pain in his cousin's voice as he sang, longing for that time that he couldn't have back. He had a feeling he knew what Will was planning, and he knew it wouldn't set well with his parents.

"Want to talk about it?" Angel calmly said as placed his hands on William's shoulders, giving them a supportive squeeze.

"Are you sure you want to hear it?"

"All ears."

"Adoption for one that I know will piss a couple people off. Stepping back, and letting another man be the father to the other."

"As long as this is what you really want I will stand beside you all the way. But you have to convince me this is really what you want."

"It's not a matter of what I want; it's a matter of what's best for them. She deserves to have a life untouched by the sickness that surrounds her conception. He deserves to have someone he can look up to and advise him and be a role model."

"I think you'd make a great role model for your son, and a good father to your daughter one day. Will, what you have been doing over the last year shows how strong you are. Most men would've crumbled and fallen to their demons, but you continue to fight them. I'm so proud of the man you are and have yet to become. I believe in you."

Angel felt the shoulders underneath his hands begin to shake. He leaned down and kissed the top of his cousin's head as he said, "Like I said I will support any decision you make as long as you truly believe it is what is best."

"I'm afraid I will be like him."

"Like who, your father?"

"Liam, he hurt me."

Angel's gut told him it just wasn't the hitting kind of hurt William was talking about. "What kind of hurt are we talking about?"

William started to cry harder, giving Angel the answer, he was afraid to be true. He let go and stepped back so he could move to sit next to his cousin. The gasp of pain made him realize William mistook it for something else.

"I'm going to kill that bastard one day." Angel snarled as he sat down and opened his arms giving his cousin the choice of seeking his comfort.

William's tortured expression was all the incentive for Angel to say, "I love you no less Will. I will never believe you'll become like him. Your heart is pure and you need to realize Ethan's the bastard. He is the one with the illness, and you were his victim. I will trust you with any child I bring into this world be it male or female."

"Only you and Wes know, I never told Buffy about the vile acts he made me do."

"Your secret is safe with me and I will never leave you because of it either. I love you just as much if not more for confiding in me."

"I bet we look like a couple of Nancy boys right about now." William chuckled softly through the tears.

"Nah, their just jealous since we're both the two sexiest men in the world right now." Angel teased.

"Not with my blotchy complexion right now, I'd say I look rather not up to par."

"Will, about the song you sang just now."

"Yeah."

"Just keep in mind the saying, 'you never know what tomorrow brings'."

"Wanker."

"Cry baby."

"Hey, I'm not the only one with blotchy skin."

"You're the only one that cries like girl."

"Oh, right you're all manly holding me close to your chest."

Angel laughed as William sat up, "You just better be happy I like you."

He looked at his dark haired cousin and sadly smiled, "I thank God everyday you do."

"Let's get back before Cordy sends the hounds."

"She's a great gal, you let her slip away I'm going kick your arse."

"Buddy, I'd let you. So am I going to have to put on the body armor or are you going to think about the kids a little longer?"

"Don't suit up yet, Peaches. I think I will take what you said about tomorrow under my hat and see what happens."

"Like I said, when you decide for sure, I will be at your back."

"Well we had better go find your girl. I'm feeling a bit peckish."

"I could use a spot of tea myself." Angel replied as he tried to use a British accent.

"Don't do that again. I'm sure the Queen Mother is rolling around in the family crypt as we speak.

Angel threw his arm across his cousin's shoulders as they walked back toward the hotel with the taller man doing his best to master the accent. Thus making William groan and beg him to stop the torture.
 

Chapter 12:
"Wesley here."

"Hi Wes, Buffy. Just wanted to let you know Riley and I have an appointment Friday with Dr. Walsh."

"Marvelous, I'm glad to hear it. I will touch base with her again and go over some particulars with her so she has some time to acclimate herself with the sensitive subject matter."

"Thank you."

After a brief pause she whispered, "How is he doing?"

Wesley knew William had given him carte blanche on talking things over with Mrs. Finn, but some things he wasn't comfortable discussing.

"He is holding his own."

"Does he want to meet Ryan, or meet with me?"

"Are you ready to see him, or let him meet Ryan?"

"I need to see him, no make that I want to see him. I need to see him and tell him I don't hate him and forgive him for hurting me. Even if he wasn't himself, I think he needs to hear me say the words."

"Have you been using the internet, Mrs. Finn?"

Buffy snorted, "How can you tell?"

"Lucky guess actually. I figured it was that or you missed your calling and should have studied in psychology instead of finer arts and teaching."

"I had some time to think about things as well. I know if I were one of my kids, I would hate that someone lied to me about whom my real father was. The truth always has a way of coming out and can hurt more from the lies told to protect then to just come out and admit the truth."

"You are correct and maybe it's best you both do meet very soon. When would be a good time for you and I will run it past William, or you could call him yourself, if you'd like."

Buffy thought on it for a moment and replied, "Can you give me his number?"

Wesley smiled feeling for the first time that something good was about to happen. "He is in room 226, and the code word is slayer."

Buffy felt faint when she heard him say slayer, "He still uses the same code word?"

"He says it's to remind him of a better time." Wesley said, realizing now it had something to do with her.

"We picked it out together. He said I was his slayer, taking care of Dru so she never came around to bother him anymore. Oh God, I failed him. I was supposed to be there to protect him and I failed."

"No, you did the right thing from what I've been told. He needed to do it on his own, it was his decision to get clean and in the past he depended on you keeping him clean instead of facing his own demons."

"But she used my not being there against him to play with his vulnerability. If I had at least came for the first week she'd never had gotten to him."

"Are you sure about that?"

"What do you mean?"

"She was determined to have him as her own. She could have still found a way to separate you. Maybe, in a more harmful way if you'd been with him physically. Would it have been easier to face this now, if she'd set it up for you to walk in on them having sex. No doubt in my mind she would have found a way to come between you and William. She was that far gone in her delusions, but still in touch with reality enough to have pulled it off.

Buffy took a deep breath as she replied, "Thank you for everything you are doing for him, and taking the time to help me, and my family. Talk to you soon."

"You are most welcome." He replied before hanging up the phone.

Wesley sat on the bed and thought about all he had gone through over the last year and a half. First finding out his father was dying of cancer and waiting to hear what the doctors gave as a prognosis. Just two days after his father's death he received a call from his boss, Lilah Morgan.

"Wyndam-Pryce residence."

"Wesley, is that you?"

"What can I do for you, Lilah?"

"I need your help desperately."

Wesley rolled his eyes, biting off the sarcastic remark that came to mind. "What troubles are you finding yourself in that would have you calling me so soon after my father's death?" Finding it hard to control his anger at what he was hearing. "Now is not a good time Lilah." He growled as he hung up the phone.

His mother, Constance, walked into the room soon after he'd slammed down the phone and asked, "My dear boy why are you so angry?"

"I cannot believe the nerve of her to call me now about a case she feels needs my attention."

"Son, remember you father dedicated his life to helping those in need. He of all people would understand if you had to go."

"I know, but it's the fact she called."

"Wesley, dear, do you think maybe she called because she thinks you are the best one to help reach and help this person in need?"

"I don't want to leave you alone at a time like this."

"Oh, my dear, sweet Wesley, I've been preparing for this day since you father told me he was dying. I have my sisters to keep me company if I so desire. I have the garden that needs my attention. There is a phone at my disposal to call and check up on my son, or so he can use it to check on his mother. Your father was so proud of you. He had people calling him complementing him on what a fine doctor you'd become."

"You are sure you will be alright if I left so soon?"

"If you can help this person then yes I'm all for you going."

"It is rather delicate, and it will take a good amount of time to help him if I decide to take it."

"I have faith you will do the best that you can, and that is all anyone can ask."

"Have I told you lately that I love you?"

"Not since yesterday, you are slipping."

Wesley laughed as he leaned down and kissed her cheek, "You are one cheeky old lady."

"Well I had to be to put up with your father, you know. He was not always the settled old man you came to know. Took me some time to get him to realize I was the woman for him."

"Not how he tells it, it's not."

"Oh, you men, now off with you and I will see about getting a flight arranged. Tell me where you are flying off to."

It was not soon after that he was on a plane for the states. He'd also gotten a call from Eric Stewart, telling him how sorry he was to hear about his father. Then graciously thanking him for taking the time to come and help with William. The moment he walked in and looked at the faces of the Giles' family and then William he knew he was taking the case. His mother had been the one that sent him on his way.

Wesley chuckled as he reminded himself to call his mother in the morning when he got up. She had come out to visit him a few times and had fallen in love with Sunnydale, California. Threatened a few times to sell the family home and move there, especially if he and Kate married and started a family. He was sure that soon he would have to make some decisions concerning his future, but for now he was content where he was.

*******

William heard the phone start to ring as he unlocked the door. He rushed over to the desk to pick up the phone.

"Hello."

"William?"

"Buffy?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"Is everything okay?"

"We, Riley and I, are going to see someone Wesley recommended."

"You are, that's great."

"I think we need to talk face to face before I go." She said, having found she didn't want to wait and see Dr. Walsh first.

"Why?"

"I need to tell you something I think you need to hear." The need to tell him she forgave him was begging to be said.

"Bad or good, something?"

"I think good something, but I don't want to say it over the phone. I want you to hear it from me in person."

"I will see if I can get one of the little meeting rooms here at the hotel. Call me back in, say, 10."

"Okay, will do, and don't worry I promise it is of the good stuff, not bad."

"I will try, but not sure if what might be good for you might be bad for me."

"William, don't imagine anything, just know at last we get to talk."

"Call me in 10."

*******

"I don't know if I can do this?"

"Will, you can do it. I'll be right outside waiting for you, we both will." Angel promised.

"Yep, both of us sitting right there." Cordy said as she pointed at a couple of seats just down the hall from the small conference room the hotel let them use.

"She told me not to think about it, that is was good what she had to say."

"Won't know until you march your ass in there and hear what she has to say." Cordy said with a wink before kissing his cheek and taking her fiancé's hand leading him toward the chairs, "remember we'll be right here."

William turned and walked to the door, separating him from the one thing he wanted, but would never have. She was everything to him, and soon he would have to try and forget that and move on. There had to be someone else he could settle down with, Buffy did.

He opened the door and walked into the room. The first thing he noticed was her face, gone was the open adoration that used to be there whenever he walked into a room. Now all he saw was what looked like pity. He couldn't help but wonder if that was what she had to tell him, how much she pitied him.

The first thing she noticed was the sadness that radiated from him like thick molasses. Gone was the bouncing energy that once kept him vibrant and so full of life. The need to hold him and try and find that man again overwhelmed her, as she moved forward with the intent to do just that.

"Buffy?"

"Shush, just let me hold you for a little while." She cried as she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. "I just want to bring her back to life so I can kill her myself. I hate her for what she did to you, to us."

He tried to keep the tears at bay as he embraced her pulling her closer. Hearing her, feeling her, her scent so unchanged, it broke the dam. His legs gave out as he dropped to his knees sobbing, taking her with him since she wouldn't let go. They ended up on the floor with her in his lap with her legs wrapped around his waist as they held each other in a death grip and cried.

"I'm sorry, so sorry I was so weak. I'm sorry I hurt you like that, never would I hurt you like that on purpose, never." He was able to say after some time as the tears started to lessen.

"I know, baby, I know. She's the only one to blame here, her. You weren't weak, baby, never. She took advantage of your vulnerable state and used it for her own evil means. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, to protect you, like I should have." Buffy reassured him, letting him know who she blamed for all of this.

"No, Buffy, it's my fault, I had the problem that caused it all."

"No!" She leaned back and took his face between her small hands and said, "look at me, you did nothing wrong here. You said you don't remember much from that time, do you know why?"

"I just remember bits and pieces and I'm not even sure what is real memory or not. I only know what I've read in her journal. She wrote it down what it was I was supposed to have said. Did you read that part?"

"Yes."

"Did I really say those words to you, and say what I did about your mother?"

Buffy nodded her head yes, unable to say the word. The pain of hearing him say it still hurt, even knowing what she knew now.

"God, Buffy. You must hate me."

Her eyes grew large as she hurried to shake her head no and say, "I don't hate you, I did at first but I don't now."

"Now you pity me." His voice sounding dejected.

"No, I don't pity you or feel sorry for you. I hurt for you and for us." She said reaching around taking his hand and placing it over her heart. "You are still in my heart."

"I never stopped loving you, never." He said as he removed his hand from her chest and cupped her cheek, "I'm sorry for everything. I keep thinking my love should have stopped her from doing this."

"This is real life, not some Nora Roberts romance novel, baby. She used her knowledge, skill, and other gifts, to do a Manchurian on you, sounds like she should have worked in the government. I forgive you, even though I don't think you did anything wrong. Can you forgive me for not being there when you needed me the most?"

"Buffy, luv, there is nothing you did wrong, nothing. God, only knows what she would have done if you'd been there. I never would have forgiven myself if she'd had harmed you in any way."

"Then let's agree to place the blame where it belongs. Dr. Fred Burkle is the one responsible." Buffy said as she leaned into his hand. "Can you forgive me for not telling you I was pregnant?"

His hand traveled to the back on her head as he pulled her closer. He leaned in to kiss her forehead as he sighed, "A small part of me is angry, but the rest understands and accepts you found someone that can give you the normal life you and the baby needs."

"I think I had better clarify something while we are on the subject of baby. I didn't have one, but two babies, I had twins."

"Twins, as in boy, boy or boy, girl?"

Buffy softly giggled," Boy, girl."

"Ryan and?"

"Molly, and I can see you in them, other then Molly having my green eyes they both look just like you."

"Which one is older?"

"Ryan by a whole 5 minutes, and let me tell you Molly came out screaming. I think she was mad her brother cut her off at the pass."

"How old are they and when were the born?"

"They were born on July 17 at 1:10 and 1:15 in the morning. I was in labor for 12 hours and 48 minutes making them 6 months old."

"Is he a good father to them?"

"Yes."

"Does he treat you good?"

"Yes."

"Do you love him?"

"Yes, I do love him, not the same as how I love you."

"You still love me?"

"Yes."

"Would you hate me if I decide to not be involved in their lives?"

Buffy looked thoughtful as she asked, "Why don't you want to be a part of their lives?"

William's tortured expression said it all as she pushed her fingers up and into his hair as she leaned her forehead against his and looked deep into his eyes and said, "You are their father and I want them to know you. Meet them and see if you still want to walk away then."

"That's what I'm afraid of, it not being able to do the right thing if the right thing would be to walk away if I saw them, let alone held them in my arms."

"Why would you think the right thing would be to walk away?"

"So they're not touched by the ugliness."

"Nothing about you is ugly. Just you being here right now demonstrates to me what a strong man you really are. I want them to know their father. I think you'd make a wonderful father if you want to be."

"I want it, I really do."

"Then give it a try, I don't think you'll regret it." Buffy smiled, praying that maybe if she got him to accept the twins, it might help him accept Abby as well.

"I'm scared."

"So am I, I'm thinking that's the first trait needed to being a good parent, is being afraid you'll fail them."

"Do you plan on having more kiddies?"

Buffy sighed as she answered, "Riley can't have children of his own."

"Oh! I'm sorry to hear that." She could hear the sincerity in his voice.

"Would you like to meet them this Saturday?"

"Are you sure you want to do this without talking to the doctor on Friday?"

"We are meeting with her on how to raise them with you involved. I don't want to raise them with lies, they have a way of coming back to bite you in the ass."

"I want to be a part of their lives."

"Then be a part of their lives."

"Would you be upset if I moved closer to them?"

"No." She lied, but not really.

The fact he'd be closer didn't upset her, as much as it made her wonder if she' d be able to handle seeing him with another woman. She knew that was being hypocritical since he was dealing with her being married to someone else.

"Are you sure?"

"It will be awkward at first for both of us, but I think it's something we can come to manage. The children's needs have to be considered, and the closer you are to them, the stronger the role you can play in their lives."

"I did get a few books out of the library a few days ago."

She smiled as she leaned back, dropping her hands to his shoulders and asked, "What kind of books?"

"Everything you need to know about handling a baby. From diapers, teething, feeding schedules, to appropriate toys for ages under one years of age."

"My, it's not your usual reading of poetry before bedtime." Buffy smiled as she started to realize the intimate position they where in.

William knew the exact moment she felt his erection; it had been so long since he'd been with anyone, not since Fred. The look of discomfort on her face made him withdraw into himself, shifting her away from him as the disgust at not being about to control his desire for her took over.

She put her finger over his lips before he could apologize. "Don't apologize for wanting me."

He tilted his head and watched her take her time, trying to get the words right. He knew she had to be embarrassed and was going to tell him how wrong he was for letting his hormones take over at a time it should have.

Buffy was surprised how much she wanted him right now. The tingle that shot through her body was intoxicating, when she felt his arousal against her. So much that she almost began to add friction to the fire. The sudden thought of her husband had saved her from acting on her impulse.

"William, don't let this keep us from trying to be friends. I know it might take us sometime to learn to accept we can no longer be lovers, but I think we can at least try and be friends."

"I will always love you."

"And I will always love you, but I'm married now and honoring my vows is very important to me."

"I understand. I promise I will never put you in a position to keep you from honoring them."

Buffy smiled as she moved to stand so she could give him what she brought him, "I have a little something for you."

William smiled softly as he wiggled the life back in to his legs before attempting to stand. "Really, what?"

"I took some videos of the bundles of energy and put them on a disk. It works in most DVD players and thought you might enjoy seeing them in action."

He reached out and took the couple of disks giving her a teary smile, "Thank you, I can't wait to play them."

"I need to get home it's close to dinner time."

"Thank you for everything today."

"You're welcome, and I have to say thank you as well."

William looked at her with that lovable confused expression that always melted her heart as he asked, "What do you have to thank me for?"

She walked over and gently stroked his cheek, "For not hating me for stealing your children away."

"Buffy, I could never hate you, never in a hundred years could I ever come close to hating you. My greatest fear is I will never find anyone that comes close to the way I love you."

"Don't give up on finding someone that would break my heart even more, then if you did find someone to share your life with."

"I will just need time. I think before I can even think of looking I need learn to depend on myself."

"Do you want to walk out together?" She asked him, as she prepared to leave.

"No, go on, I need a few minutes before facing Peaches and Demon girl."

"Okay, I will be talking to you soon and will be looking forward to seeing you on Saturday." She replied, fighting the urge to throw herself in his arms, forsake her vows and take back what was hers.

She walked out the door feeling like she was leaving something very important behind. He watched her leave knowing he'd never find anyone else to fill the void in his life. That he would be growing old lonely and alone.

Two anxious looking people met Buffy, when she came face to face with Angel and Cordy. She expected them to give her the cold shoulder and demand to know what she had done to Spike.

"How is he? Should I go in and check on him?" Angel asked worried, the love for his cousin evident in his voice and expression.

"He said he needed to have some time before facing Peaches and Demon girl." Buffy offered with a reassuring smile. "I think it went well and he has a couple disks of the twins with a tentative meeting set up to see the kiddies on Saturday."

She watched as Angel visibly relaxed, "Thank the powers that be. I was so afraid he was going to just walk away."

Buffy gave him a concerned look and asked, "Care to explain?"

"This afternoon, he told me he planned to put Abby up for adoption and to leave here and let Riley play father to the twins. I wasn't sure if the talk we had changed his mind, but I'm glad for whatever did change it."

"So you will support him if he chooses to stay and be their father?"

"I will support him in any decision he makes as long as it is truly what he believes is best and not what he thinks best." Angel said, letting her know he was with his cousin 100 percent.

"I really should be going, but I would like to spend some time with both of you soon." Buffy told them, hoping they'd want to as well.

"I think that would be a great idea." Angel replied.

"Me too, but can I have a word with you in private, just some girl talk?" Cordy asked while giving her man a reassuring wink.

"Sure, walk me to my car?"

"Lead the way."

"Buffy, don't break his heart or lead him on. Be very careful for you still own his heart and soul. But I think you already know that, so the real mission I'm on is to give you this." Cordy said as she handed her a thick envelope. "It's from Willow and Faith, you do remember them, don't you?"

Buffy became defensive as she took the missive from the other woman and answered sarcastically, "Yes, I remember them perfectly."

"Well no one would have guessed since you didn't leave a note or let them know you were okay. Do you know that Willow worried you had ended up somewhere hurt or dead. She loved you like a sister and this is how you treated her. I can see hiding things from William, but not to trust Willow to keep your secret, well it was like stabbing her in the back is how I look at it. We all were worried sick about you until the private investigator found you and told us you were alive and living the married life on the east coast."

"I didn't want to put her in the middle."

"But instead you left her out in the cold worried and wondering what she had done to make you think so little of her. You're Seth's Godmother for Pete's sake."

"I'm sorry."

"Honey, it's not me you need to say it to, it's the two women who thought of you more then a friend, but more like a sister." Cordy eased her words with a warm hug. "Nice thing about it, I think they both will forgive and take you back if you send pictures of those sweet babies and beg them to come and visit."

"I don't know, you don't know how many times I reached for the phone to call either of them."

"Then this time, pick up, dial, and speak." Cordy winked, "Well gotta go, going to drag William up and make him show us baby pictures and pig out on pizza and wings."

"I'm glad he has all of you."

"It was rough at first, but we've worked it out. I think you have some things to work out as well."

"I don't know what you mean."

"I think you do."

"Cordy, I'm married now, and Riley is a good husband."

"Just put this in your bonnet and think on it, is he the one? Is Riley the one that makes you scream when you're angry, or does he even make you angry? Do you know when he walks into the room without seeing him enter, or know when he's looking at you that special way? Does he make you tingle in places that no one else should make tingle? Is it fair that you stay married to a man because you don't want to break your vows of marriage? These are things you should ask yourself when it comes to figuring out if Riley is the one you want to grow old with and honor until death do you part."

"Cordy, please don't do this?"

"What, make you think outside the box you've put yourself in? Buffy is it fair to Riley that you stay married to him out of loyalty and not because you love him, honor him, and want to forsake all others before him. Does he make you feel the passion? Do you make love or just have sex? You could be keeping him from finding what you know you could have again. I'm just saying you should consider the answers to these questions while you think about what it is you really want out of life, what you deserve out of life, and Riley too." Cordy explained as she looked at Buffy with nothing but understanding and warmth. "I just want to make sure you don't run and hide anymore. Face the music and be able to live your life to its full potential."

Buffy knew what she was being told was true, but right now she didn't want to deal with it. So instead she nodded her head yes and turned to return home to her husband and children with the belief that right now it was the best thing to do.

Cordy watched her leave and prayed the woman would wake up from her denial. That one day soon, she would realize she was hiding behind Riley and the safe vows of marriage. She truly believed that Buffy and William belonged together and one day Mrs. Finn would wake up and smell the coffee.
 

Chapter 13:

Buffy sat in the study and stared at the envelope. Not for the first time did she feel the regret of totally cutting her friends out of her life weigh heavy on her heart and mind. Now in her hands was the evidence of that mistake.

She reached over to pick it up and started to open it slowly. Inside she found two folded up letters with what felt like pictures inside. She closed her eyes and chose the one she'd read first.

Dear "B"

You know it now stands for bitch. Sorry, but I'm pissed at you and yet hope you call me after you read this. I hate you and I love you, but most important I miss you. I kind of know why you did what you did, but it still hurts and is hard to understand.

I went to see him, to kick his ass for making you leave the way you did. But, after seeing him, all messed up I didn't have the heart to kick a dog when it was down.

Just so you know, Robin is doing well, and has a few words to say to you as well. The only problem is he wants to say them to your face. He's not happy that I'm making first contact; he thinks you should be the one.

I hear you hooked up with Dr. Finn, and he's the one you ran away with. I hope you both are happy. I'm not sure how I feel about Spike, or should I say William. Robin stills calls him Spike and I see the blonde boy wonder cringe every time. The man is a shadow of his former self.

Inside I sent a couple pictures so you could see the new me. Maybe it will give you an incentive to call me and congratulate me on a job well done.

Your friend always, like it or not

Faith Wood.

Buffy sniffled as she then looked at the pictures, three exact. The first one was of what appeared to be a home bought pregnancy test, with a big plus sign in the middle. The second one was of Robin with a big grin on his face and daddy written across the bottom. The third and last one had Faith standing to the side, with her hand on her rounded tummy with a content smile on her face. Across the bottom was written, 'proud mommy to be'.

"Oh, Faith, I'm so happy for you." Buffy cried as she hugged the picture close to her chest.

*******

"Look at how adorable." Cordy laughed, as they watched the video of the twins sleeping in the nursery after they were born.

"I think they're ugly, they look like little old men." Angel teased.

"Shut up you, they are the most gorgeous babies alive." William growled playfully as he ate up the screen watching his children for the first time.

They laughed and teased as they watched the video and pictures being displayed chronologically of the twins on the TV screen. Everyone noticed, but didn't mention the fact that Riley had been missing. Buffy would be seen and sometimes heard, making it obvious that the silent portions, must have been shot by Riley and the commentary muted.

"Hey, look, action footage." Cordy waved at them to be quiet. "Oh, look how the baby's laughing as the swing is going. Angel, I want one of those, not two, just one to start off with."

"Marry me, baby and you can have as many as you want." Angel winked, and then sighed when the last of the documentary of the young babies lives came to an end.

"How about New Year's Eve?"

Angel smiled as he nodded his head yes, "Sounds like a great way to bring in the New Year."

Cordy noticed the melancholy look that came over William as she moved to sit next to him and say, "I want you to give me away."

He looked at her with a shocked expression and found himself unable to speak. The stunned blonde looked over at his cousin to see what he had to say and found the big brute smiling.

"Are you sure?" He finally found his voice and asked.

"Yes, you are the closest thing I have to a brother, and since my parents disowned me, you are it, the only other choice for me." Cordy answered as she lay her head on his shoulder, "besides, Peaches there figured it would kill two birds with one stone."

William became confused as he again looked over at Angel with a questionable look on his face, "Care to spill, cuz?"

"Well, I figured you can be the one to bring me my future, and then stand beside me and be my best man while me and Cordy exchange our vows."

William looked from one to the other, smiling. "I would love it, as you said, it would be a lovely way to bring in the New Year."

"Great, I was thinking about having you wear a dress."

"No, no, dresses. No razors will touch my pretty legs, and it would be too much torture to wax them. Then you also have the problem of me upstaging the bride on her special day. I mean, all the men would want me and the women would wish they could look like me."

Cordy laughed until she cried, "Oh, William, I do love you so, only you can make me laugh until I'm about ready to pee my pants."

He jumped up and gasped in mock distress, "That is just, gross, honestly, Peaches, can you make her wear a diaper or something."

Angel sat and watched two of the most important people in his life banter and joke with each other. His heart told him it would only get better, but he knew he'd have to warn his parents of the possibility that Abby would be placed for adoption.

A part of him thought it was wrong, where the other part agreed with his cousin's reasoning. How could a child grow up and live with the knowledge her father couldn't love her like she deserved because of what her mother had done.

*******

Buffy started to cry, as she picked up the letter she now knew would be from Willow. The one thing she knew without a doubt before reading it was that her best friend would forgive her. She understood their friendship would never have the same sense of closeness, but Willow would still be her friend.

Dear Buffy

First off let me say I'm disappointed in how little you thought of our friendship. Okay now that's off my chest I can tell you how much I have missed you in my life. There has been so much I wanted to share with you but couldn't. Why? Because, I didn't know where to find you.

I worried and worried you'd done something horrible. Even if my heart told me you'd never hurt yourself like that, but my mind keep whispering other things. It reminded me that I never thought you'd runaway without telling me goodbye, but you did.

Seth misses his Godmother, and so do I. There has been an addition to the family since you've been gone. Seth has a baby sister, Rebecca. Yes I have me a set of Irish twins, how about that. So much for the rhythm method, but I can't say I regret it. She's beautiful and Seth loves being big brother. His first word was Sissy, can you believe it. Oz is having a great time playing the proud papa bear.

Oz and the band is doing very well, which I'm sure you know, or maybe you don't? I'm thinking maybe you dropped out of the music scene all together. I mean if you'd drop your friends to avoid Spike, then I'm sure you haven't kept up with the band's success.

I want you to know I want my friend back. I know it will take us some time to work out the issues, but I want to at least a chance to try. I can understand the hurt and pain you went through to drop everything here and move on like you did. Do you love Riley that much, or was it he was right there to pick up the pieces?

I know, don't ask. But I just need to hear your voice telling me you are really okay. I'm just a phone call away and a plane ride will get me there pronto if you say the word.

Oz sends his love and wishes you would come back into our lives. I so want Seth to know his Godmother and Rebecca Elizabeth to meet you. I sent a couple pictures for you to look at, and don't mind the subliminal messages not so hidden throughout.

Love and miss you

Still your bestest friend in the whole wide world

Willow

Buffy lay her head on the desk and sobbed, hearing Willow's voice reading to her as she let the words to the letter filter in her brain. She had done her best not to think of what she had done when she'd left. How she must have hurt those that never would've turned their backs on her or betrayed her whereabouts. The fact of the matter was she knew if she'd kept in contact with them it would weaken her need to stay away from Spike.

After a while, she sat up picking up the pictures, amazed at how much Seth had grown. His hair was a blend of his parents, but his eyes were just like his fathers. His smile belonged to his mother, a perfect blend of both his parents.

Rebecca was the cutest little bald headed baby she'd ever seen. Her big green eyes sparkled for the camera as it captured the perfection of a happy baby. The next one was of both children wearing tee shirts with, 'call mom', on them. Then came the nice little family shot, showing how Willow's hair had grown, and Oz looked nothing but proud. The last one, again a family photo, had the kids wearing their tee shirts, and Willow and Oz wearing theirs that read, 'call us'.

*******

"Giles residence."

"Hi, Mom." Angel greeted his mother.

"Angel, how are you?" Jenny asked, as she watched her husband play with the baby.
"I'm great, Cordy finally set a date."

"She did? Wonderful, when are you both getting married?" The excitement in her voice made him happy and yet sad.

"Congratulations, son." Rupert called out as he tickled his great-niece, making her laugh.

Giles and his wife found it hard to comprehend how William could hold this innocent child accountable for her mother's actions. She was a sweet angel and such a good baby. He also realized he was not William and would never truly understand, having not walked in his shoes.

"New Year's Eve is when." He told his mom, and he smiled hearing his father's comment in the background, and Abby laughing as well.

"How's William?" She asked.

"He's dealing, and I have to warn you he is doing some heavy, hard thinking about Abby's future."

"Really, is he ready to see her?"

"I'm sorry Mom, but no, it's more of him thinking that she never knows him is more like it."

"Angel, talk to me, what is he thinking?" She asked, as she sat down knowing already what he was going to tell her.

"Mom, I hope you understand why he would think about putting her up for adoption."

"Adoption, he would really want to do that without ever holding her."

"Mom, his reasoning is having her grow up loved and untouched by her mother's sins."

"So she would never know her father and would be separated from those who love her." Jenny's voice filled with anger toward her nephew.

"Mom, Wesley warned you both this could happen. That once Will, started to heal and look at things he could wish not to keep the baby. He was even talking about never meeting the twins and making sure they never knew he was their father. Something about keeping them protected from the ugliness."

"You say he was talking about it? Has something happened to change his mind about the twins?" She asked sarcastically.

"Yeah, he talked to Buffy, and she gave him pictures."

"Oh, so they are good enough for him to meet and get to know? While, this sweet baby has been waiting for him to acknowledge her birth."

"Mom, try and see it from Will's point, I understand where you're coming from, but I understand his feelings too. Maybe I made a mistake with telling you, but I thought you should know what he's thinking."

"I guess I should tell you, we've been talking to a lawyer about getting legal guardianship of her anyway. Maybe we will see about adopting her instead." Jenny fumed.

"Mom, I know you mean well, but think about it. How do you explain to her when she's older why her father didn't want to keep her?"

"We will come to that bridge when and if we come to it."

"Oh, that bridge will come, it will happen. How will she react finding out her mother conceived her while raping her father?"

"Angel, really, I know Fred took advantage of his condition, but to call it rape?"

"Mom, you really haven't listened to Will and Wesley at all have you? If not for the drugs she used, on Will, he never would have slept with the woman. She had him so high and stung out he doesn't remember much of anything. I tried to tell Will you needed to read her journal; he won't let me read it. But Wes had no problem telling me that Fred chemically, mentally, and physically raped my cousin, your nephew. Yes, Abby is an innocent victim, but so is William. The problem is William is learning to deal with what happened to him, Abby has a chance at a fresh start." Angel explained, knowing he was being brutal in his explanation.

Jenny started to cry as she looked at Abby's smiling face, "But she is just a baby."

"A baby that reminds him of a time he was taken advantage of, abused, and violated. Wesley says that for Will to handle things with Abby, he first must come to terms with his own feelings about what was done to him and the price paid. He finds out that Buffy left carrying his children, and is now married to someone else, who is raising them as his own. I’m so proud of him, not once has he fallen back to the bottle or the drugs. He's let me in finally, and I think he'd let you in too if you'd not push him about Abby. Love him like he deserves to be loved, no matter if he decides to be Abby's father or not. He needs you, Mom, not your judgment of him."

Jenny stood quietly letting her son's words sink in. Slowly she realized that was what she'd been doing ever since Abby had come to live with them right after she was born. She had been judging her nephew by her standards of being a responsible parent and not taking in consideration his circumstances. Until Angel had be direct with using the 'R' word, she'd never really thought about how Abby's birth truly affected William.

"No, Angel you were right to call and warn us. Even more important was you telling me how you honestly feel. You are right he does deserve our unconditional love and support. I think I will call him tomorrow and ask him how he is, and only bring up Abby if he asks about her."

"I think that would be great, and I know he misses not talking to you and Dad like you guys used to."

"I'm glad he has you."

"Did I tell you that Will is going to give Cordy away, be my best man, and wear a dress?"

"Angel, William in a dress?"

"Going to try and get him to catch the bouquet and everything." Angel did his best to keep from laughing.

"I will tell your father, dear." Jenny giggled.

"I love you both."

"Goodnight, honey and I will call you soon."

Jenny hung up the phone sighing as she turned to her husband. "William is going to give Cordy away, be Angel's best man and I think wear a dress."

"I hope you are kidding." Giles looked at her with his eyebrows raised and a look of fear on his face. "About the dress that is."

Jenny shrugged her shoulders and replied, "You never can tell with those three."

Giles nodded his head and smiled, "No, you can't. I heard you mention adoption and lawyers."

"Be a dear, and get Abby ready for bed, I'll make us some tea and then we can sit and talk." Jenny suggested.

"Must be serious." Giles expression became determined, "I will tell you now I will not give her up to be sent to a house full of strangers."

She gave him an understanding smile as she said, "Let's get the little one off to bed."

Jenny watched as her husband gently cradled Abby to his chest. For the first time she questioned if they had been right in making William let them take the baby into their home. She knew it was going to be hard to let her go, and even harder to choose between her William and Abby if it came down to it.

*******

Wesley startled awake at the loud knocking on his door. He looked at the clock and noticed it was three in the morning. He reached grabbing his glasses and putting them on as he got out the bed.

"I'm coming." He said when the knocking resumed.

"Please, hurry."

The young doctor hurried and put on his robe and walked quickly toward the door. The desperation he heard in William's voice concerned him.

"William, what's the matter?" He asked as soon as he opened the door, noticing the red eyes and anxious look on his face.

"The dreams are back, and I hate it. I hate her. I hate what I've done, I hate me!"

Wesley opened his door and motioned for William to enter, "Tell me what about the dreams make you hate so much."

Wes watched as William walked over to the corner of the room and slid down the wall. The shadows made it hard to see his face, but the way he wrapped his arms around his legs and huddled was not a good sign.

He walked over sitting down on the floor in front of the tortured young man, and patiently waited to see if the man would answer the question asked of him. He could see by the shaking of Will's shoulders he was crying.

"I dreamed I liked what she did to me, that I craved her to make it hurt worse. Then my father takes her place and tells me I'm like him and the more it hurts the more I like it. That I will be just like him no matter what I do. Then she comes back and makes me beg for more, telling me we belong together." William explained, his voice ragged and sad.

"Did you like what she did to you?"

"I can't remember what she really did to me, I really can't."

"We could use hypnoses and try and bring back your memories, if you do have any, to light."

"Not sure I can deal with what they might reveal."

"Could be it's what you need to be free from all of this, knowing the truth, no matter how harmful. It might be better then trying to live with the what ifs."

William whispered, "What if I remember I wanted her to hurt me, that I craved her to do those things to me?"

"We would have to ask that question, if indeed you find out that is true. I will be honest William; I think if you wanted what she did, you'd not be so conflicted about it. I think with you not remembering and reading her words and not knowing how it affected you at the time is what's eating at you."

"I'm so afraid, I don't know anymore what is real and what is not when I dream."

"Maybe it's time we tried to open the window and let the truth come out. I think you're punishing yourself in your dreams for not being stronger. For not standing up to your father, and for being weak and falling into the life of drugs, alcohol, and being taken advantage of by someone that you should have been able to trust. In the long run you're letting them win, and you shouldn't. You, William, from what I've read from Fred's journal, and the year that I've been your doctor and friend, believe with all my heart you didn't want what Fred or you Father did to you." Wesley said, hoping he was ready to take the next step.

"Sunday, can we do it Sunday?" William asked, "I want to see twins first on Saturday, and then we can do the mind meld thingy on Sunday."

"I will have everything ready, and you come to me when you are ready." Wes felt encouraged, "and by the way, I think you are doing a great job here. I'm very proud of you and how far you have come this week."

William looked shocked as he replied, "I've come far, in what way."

"You came to me tonight, I didn't have to question you about the tired look of not sleeping. You've made decisions on your own, and so far you have handled things very well. Not once have you mentioned the need to have a drink or want to find something to help take the pain away." Wesley explained with a proud look on his face, since he sat in the soft glow of the bedside lamp.

"What about her, I'm thinking of putting her up for adoption?" William asked cautiously. Still, unable to say Abby's name aloud.

"As long as you truly believe that is the best thing you could do for you, then so be it. It is not a bad decision, William, as long as you are sure that is what you want to do."

"It will make Jenny and Giles disown me."

"They were warned of the possibility when they took on her care. It could be they will fight to adopt her themselves."

William sighed, "I hope not, it would defeat the purpose of giving her a chance to be free from all of this mess. I want her to have a nice family, a mother and father that can look at her and love her unconditionally. I want her to be wanted, no whispering behind her back that her father hated her and her mother was the reason."

"Do you hate her?" Wesley asked, since this was the closest the man had come to mentioning any emotion associated with the baby.

William looked up and said, "I don't know, and I don't want to know."

Wesley could see how William truly didn't know how he felt about Abby. "Let's see how things go on Sunday, then we can talk more about it. Just know I will support whatever decision you make as long as you are sure that is what you want to do."

"Thanks, Wes."

"You're very welcome. Now, if you don't wish to go back to your room, there's the extra bed here you can sleep in."

"Do you snore?"

"Kate tells I'm not too bad. How about you?"

"Buffy said it was more like a purr." William whispered, "I want her back. I want her and our kids, and I want more babies with her. I want me and my Goldilocks to be a family."

"I know you do."

"But they are dreams that no hypnotizing will make better or come true."

"No, it will not. Take one day at a time, William." Was all Wesley could say, he was sure if Buffy was truthful to herself, she'd see that it was what she wanted as well. Like he'd told Riley, he could read people very well, and he knew that Mrs. Finn was still in love with her babies father. "Get some rest, tomorrow is another day."

William stood up and made his way to the other bed. All he could think of was that during the last year he'd found someone he could trust with his darkest secrets. Wesley had turned out to be not only a great doctor, but a good friend as well.

*******

Giles sat stunned as his wife repeated what their son had told him. He had a different understanding concerning William now. No one had used the word rape before when describing what Fred had done. They had softened it by always using the words 'taken advantage of''.

"I had believed, or maybe lived in denial, that the sexual nature of their relationship was consensual. I never let myself think that she'd somehow forced the sex to happen." Jenny explained.

"He had to have known he was having intimate relations with the woman." Giles exclaimed, as he took off his glasses and cleaned them a bit harshly.

"Remember the mess we found him in. It all makes sense now, it really does. If she had not used those drugs would he have slept with her? Did she warp his mind into thinking it was what he wanted, when they had sex. Oh God, Rupert, that bitch raped our boy." Jenny started to sob, as her husband pulled her on his lap.

"We will get through this, sweetheart." Giles tried to console her.

Jenny pulled back and whispered, "You don't understand, he thinks we will choose the baby over him. We've judged him while wearing our blinders. I understand now, looking at it from Will's point of view, he is trying to do what is best for her, for Abby. You see, if she is adopted she has a chance to grow up with a clean slate, nothing about her mother or father's past will touch her. He has to live with it all for the rest of his life, including the part of giving up his own daughter."

"So, you will support him putting Abby up for adoption?" Giles sighed, wondering if he'd be able to agree to it.

"Rupert, think about it from William's point of view. Would it be fair for her live in the shadow of what Fred has done to this family? I don't think I could let my boy walk away from me while I raised his baby, the baby that would remind him every day of something that cost him everything. His self-respect, his future with Buffy and their kids, gone by what that monster had done." Jenny, knew soon he'd come to see it her way.

"You don't think we could protect her from it?" He asked, not wanting to give up the baby that melted his heart.

"Who do we tell her William is? How do we explain why he wants nothing to do with her, being family and all? Can we really walk away from him when he needs us too, maybe even more then Abby does? Will he think we abandoned him? As much as I've come to love her, I'm not sure we'd be the best parents for her. I'm not sure Anne would forgive me for forsaking her son when he needs me the most." Jenny tried to make him see her reasoning and understand where she was coming from.

"Let me sleep on it. I need some time to think it all out in my head." Giles sighed.

"Take whatever time you need. You don't have to agree, just try and understand the why of it all."

"I will try. I promise you this, my love, no matter what I decide I will make sure that William knows that I love him. Maybe I should make sure I tell him that tomorrow when we call."

Jenny hugged her husband and said, "Thank you for that. I think he needs to hear us tell him that."

"I have faith this will all work out for the best." Giles sighed, his heart already breaking at the prospect of losing that little one upstairs.

"I pray to God everyday you're right."

"Let's go to bed, Abby will have us up at the break of dawn." Giles said before he kissed his wife and led her upstairs to bed.