Chapter 9
From Beneath You
it Devours
“Willow?” Buffy called out as she entered her room. “Willow, are you here?” Her only reply was silence. Crap! Buffy thought to herself. “I have had such a day, and I really need to talk to you damn it!” Buffy fussed out loud to no one. Sighing heavily she retreated to her bathroom to get ready for bed. She had an eight o’clock class in the morning, but she planned on getting up early and going to check out Willow and Tara’s old apartment. She doubted very seriously that she would find Willow there but it was worth a try. Buffy watched herself in the mirror as she brushed her teeth and reflected on the events of the afternoon. She had just had dinner with Riley and was going over the details of their conversation in her head.
Riley was born and raised in Iowa. His mother had moved he and his sister down to Georgia to escape their abusive father when he was nine and his sister was six. He graduated from high school outside metro-Atlanta and came to the University of Georgia where he was now studying to get his law degree. His sister, now nineteen, decided to stay in the city and attended Georgia State University located in the heart of Atlanta. Buffy told of her life in California. How she and her friends ruled Sunnydale High School, decided who was popular and what was cool. Varsity Cheerleading and the latest fashion trends molded her existence back then, right up until the time she met William. She told Riley how she hated him at first. He was a transfer student from England and she remembered how cocky and arrogant he seemed.
“All the girls wanted him, so of course I thought he was revolting,” Buffy laughed at the memory. “He could tell that I hated him and of course that just made his ego get ruffled and he made a habit of getting under my skin.”
“Sounds like a typical adolescent romance,” Riley smiled. “You know the one where you run up to him, knock the hell out of him and then run away. That’s how you know it’s love.” Riley sighed as he clutched his heart in mock sarcasm.
Buffy smiled weakly and nodded. “Exactly, she agreed. He used to make it a point to come by my locker every morning with some sort of wisecrack or another, my favorite was: ‘Gee Summers, I don’t know what everyone is talking about, that outfit doesn’t make you look like a hooker,’ and he would always walk away with that ridiculous smirk of his before I had a chance to say anything. It didn’t take him long to win me over, though.”
“So what changed?” Riley asked curiously.
“We got stuck doing our senior project together. We worked on it day in and day out and eventually...you know,” Buffy trailed off taking a sip of her soda. “He was my first love.” She could feel a lump rising in her throat and her eyes were beginning to water.
“Buffy,” Riley sighed heavily. “I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am. I-”
“Riley,” Buffy interrupted him feeling the tears beginning to well. “Please don’t.”
“No,” he countered. “No, I need to tell you this. Buffy, I don’t know what you must think of me. I know that if I were you I’d hate me right now. I want to tell you what happened that night.”
“Riley, please” Buffy pleaded. “I can’t.”
“Please just hear me out,” Riley continued. “I don’t know what you were told about that night; about what happened but I want a chance to explain.”
Buffy nodded in response. She had to admit she was just a little bit curious. Part of her was screaming at her that she should hate him for what he had taken from her. The other part was so tired and so numb that she just didn’t think she had the energy to feel anything, much less hate someone.
“I’m sure that the police report would say that I was driving recklessly, and I’m the first to admit that I was. I wasn’t drunk. I’m not one of those people that get behind the wheel and goes nuts, I’m really not. That night I was on my way to Atlanta. I had just gotten a call from Jenna, my sister. She was crying, hysterical really. Her boyfriend had come home and they had gotten into a fight, which is pretty normal. Well, this time it escalated even further and he beat her. I don’t mean he just slapped her around, that’s bad enough; I mean he beat the shit out of her. Broke two of her ribs, and her nose. She was so scared and crying so hard when I talked to her she could barely tell me what happened. I lost it Buffy; I had to get to her. I know that I shouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel in that state of mind but I had to...” Riley had to stop to swallow the lump in his throat. His voice was now thick with emotion. He looked up at Buffy with unshed tears in his eyes and said, “ I will never be able to give back what I took from you.” With that, Riley let his emotions take over and began to shake with the force of his own tears.
“Shh, Riley,” Buffy reached out and took his hand to try to soothe him. “You don’t have to do this. The truth is if anyone is to blame for the accident it’s me. William and I had a pretty big fight that night. He asked me to drive and I did which was probably a big mistake because Buffy and cars are not very mixy when I’m in a right state of mind, much less all wiggy from an argument. I was trying to make nice with him and wasn’t exactly paying attention to what I was doing. Honestly, I never even saw you until it was too late. If I had been paying attention I could have-”
“No Buffy,” Riley interrupted squeezing her hand. “Don’t blame yourself, I told you it’s my-”
“I have an idea,” Buffy again interrupted wiping the tears that were now flowing freely down her cheeks. “Why don’t we make a promise to ourselves and to each other?”
“What’s that?” Riley asked releasing her hand and wiping his own face.
“We’ll stop with the blame game. And that means we don’t blame each other or ourselves. What do you say to that?”
“I’d say that you’ve got yourself a deal.” Riley smiled and attempted to take Buffy’s hand again. He was only slightly surprised when she pulled back away from him.
“Sorry!” Buffy exclaimed noticing his surprise. “It’s just that here lately I haven’t been really big with the touchy-feeley.” Riley nodded and Buffy could see a hint of disappointment in his eyes. “Riley,” Buffy started looking intently into his eyes. “I feel the need to be totally honest with you. I don’t know when I’m going to be ready for the touchy-feeley again, or if I ever will be. Does that make sense?”
“It does,” Riley replied nodding in agreement.
“But, I could always use another friend.” Buffy continued. “I mean you can never have too many of those, right?”
He looked at her and smiled. “No, I guess not.”
Buffy finished brushing her teeth and changed into her Yummy Sushi pajamas. When she was finally ready she climbed up into her loft and into bed. Once she was under the covers she turned off her bedside lamp. She lay there in the quiet dark for a few minutes before reaching under her pillow and taking out William’s t-shirt. She brought the fabric to her nose and inhaled deeply. She could still make out his faint scent. As she bunched the shirt up and cradled it against her body her lips curled into a smile. She drifted off to sleep remembering the words that Father Angel had spoken to her just that afternoon.
“I think he’s still trying to save you.”
***
“Willow, are you in there?” Buffy looked down at her watch and knocked on the door again. She had about ten minutes before she had to get to class. She really hadn’t expected to find Willow here, but it felt like the only place that she hadn’t tried.
“Do you need some help Miss?” An older and almost creepy voice asked from behind her, causing Buffy to jump slightly.
“Oh my gosh,” Buffy gasped. “You startled me.”
“I’m Mr. Snyder, the landlord here. I live next door and I heard a lot of commotion, and thought I’d come see if there was a problem.”
“Um, well...” Buffy stammered. “My friend used to live here and she’s...well...she’s missing, and I thought that maybe I’d find her here. Have you seen her? Willow Rosenberg?”
“No, I can’t say that I have.” Mr. Snyder replied looking Buffy up and down. She suddenly felt very uncomfortable under his gaze and decided it was time for her to go.
“Well thanks. If you see her could you tell her that a friend came by?” With that, Buffy turned and began to walk down the stairs of the apartment complex.
“Oh, I don’t think I’ll be seeing Ms. Rosenberg again,” Snyder called after her. “I haven’t seen her since the accident.”
When Buffy heard this, she stopped halfway down the steps and turned to look back at the smug little man who was now staring intently at her. “How did you-”
“Truth is,” Snyder continued “She’s gone on ahead of you.” Snyder paused a moment as he broke off into laughter. “Not hardly helpful,” he said as he continued in hysterics.
“Excuse me?” Buffy asked fear welling up inside of her.
Snyder’s laughter came to a serious halt and he stared icily at Buffy. “If you hurry, you can catch up with her, but you need to hurry and go to them.”
“Go to who?” Buffy asked
“To them, silly girl,” he replied inching closer to the staircase. “ Go now before it’s too late. There is nothing for you here now. All of this,” he said as he gestured wildly with his arms, “is nothing. It’s inside you and soon it will come tumbling in death, and screaming, horror and bloodshed.” He paused for a moment and pointed down to the ground tilting his head slightly as he said only loud enough for Buffy to hear, “ From beneath you it devours, and if you don’t go soon you too will be consumed.”
That was all Buffy needed to hear. She took off down the stairs and ran the short distance back to campus, never pausing to look behind her.
***
Buffy made it to class with five minutes to spare. She paused just outside the door to her history lecture and let out a gasping breath. What the friggin’ hell was that all about? Note to self, when you see Will again KILL HER! Stupid crazy landlord man. Buffy was torn from her thoughts by a familiar voice.
“Buffy, there you are.”
“Hey Anya,” Buffy smiled.
“I knocked on your door this morning. Xander and I went to breakfast and we thought you might like to join us, but you weren’t there. Were you having orgasms?” Anya asked with a devilish grin.
“What?” Buffy asked, No, I just-”
“Because if you were, that would be totally fine,” Anya recovered. “I was just surprised that you weren’t there and-”
“I went to go look for Willow,” Buffy clarified grinning at her yammering friend.
“Still no sign of her?” Anya asked.
“Nothing,” Buffy sighed. “I went to her old apartment to see if maybe she was there. I figured it was a long shot, but you never know. Well, now I know and knowing means no Willow.”
“She’ll turn up,” Anya tried to reassure her. “Have you tried her Mom’s?”
“Not yet,” Buffy answered. “ I didn’t want to worry Mrs. Rosenberg unnecessarily, you know, just in case she hadn’t heard from her either.”
“I can understand that,” Anya nodded. “But maybe she went home, this has been a stressful couple of months.”
“Maybe,” Buffy replied uncertainly. “Well, we’d better grab our seats, I’m thinking it’s about to start.” Buffy and Anya headed into the lecture hall and took their seat.
Buffy and Anya sat relatively close to the back of the room. They each took out their books and turned to the page the professor requested. About thirty minutes into the lecture Buffy began to get bored. Okay, okay Renaissance period, poets, nature and naked people...is the clock even moving? She thought to herself. Buffy was seriously considering getting up and skipping the end of the lecture when she heard it. It was so soft she had to strain her ears, but she could make out the sound of music playing ever so softly in the back ground.
A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face
She turned around in her seat to see if maybe the person behind or beside her had a radio or Walkman. She didn’t see anyone, but could clearly hear the music as it continued to play,
I’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me
“What the hell?” Buffy asked out loud to no one.
“Huh?” Anya whispered.
“Nothing,” Buffy replied still listening to the music. It was steadily becoming louder. She continued to look around the room to see some sign that someone else could hear it. All the other students were busy paying attention to the professor’s lecture, scribbling madly in their notebooks.
Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
It gets hard but it won’t take away my love
“Do you hear that?” Buffy asked as she turned to Anya.
“Hear what?”
“That music, do you hear it?” Buffy repeated.
I’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me
“I don’t hear any music,” Anya answered. “What song is it?”
“It’s...” Buffy trailed off as she listened to the words in her head.
I’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreams
But tonight girl it’s only you and me
“You know,” Buffy stated collecting her books and her bag. “I’m not feeling too well. I think I’m going to duck out of here. Will you come by tonight and give me the notes?”
“Sure thing,” Anya replied. “Take care, Buffy.”
Buffy smiled at her friend as she hurried out of the lecture hall. She practically ran to the doors that lead from the History building out into a small courtyard and parked herself on a bench just outside. She was breathing heavily trying to process what had just happened. Someone had to have been listening to a radio, that was the only logical explanation. But, then again, her life seemed to have abandoned all that was logical lately. Her mind began to wander back to when she had first heard that song. The dance she and William shared. Making love to him in what was to be their bed. She felt suffocated. Quietly, Buffy wished for the one thing, that a few months ago seemed to surround her, and was now so far out of reach: some sort of peace.
***
Buffy walked quietly back to her room. She didn’t notice the tears that had begun to fall, so she didn’t bother to wipe them away. As she neared her dorm she saw a familiar figure in front of her.
“Buffy?” Riley called still a short distance away.
Afraid to speak, she could only mutely wave in reply. Riley jogged the distance between them smiling.
“ I thought I’d see if you wanted to go for a cup of- what’s wrong?” He quickly changed the subject when he noticed her tears.
“Nothing,” she replied quickly, still not bothering to wipe her face. “Just, bad day.”
“Are you okay?” he asked, placing a concerned hand on her shoulder.
“I will be, I just want to get home and rest a little.” With that, she began to walk away from him. He quickly caught up to her.
“Well I’ll just walk you to your room, make sure you get in okay.”
“Riley that’s really not necessary,” she replied coldly. “Look I’m almost there.”
“I know it’s not necessary,” he replied. “I want to.”
“Suit yourself.”
They walked the rest of the distance in silence. When they reached O-House Riley held the door open for Buffy and was slightly held up by a stream of students just coming back from the dining hall. Buffy didn’t wait for him and continued on to her room. She reached the door and slowly took out her key. When she unlocked the door she called out,
“Willow? Willow, Please be here.” There was no answer and Buffy felt defeated. She collapsed onto the floor in wailing sobs, crying out to whoever would listen. “Please help me.”
***
Buffy woke in her old bedroom, in Sunnydale. She sat up and took in her surroundings. It looked just the way she left it. The house was quiet, and she listened intently for a familiar sound but heard none. “Mom?” she called out. When there was no reply she shrugged her shoulders and assumed her mother had gone out of town on another one of her buying trips. Buffy felt safe. She was home and here nothing could hurt her. That’s when she heard it, the front door was flung open and slammed shut swiftly, shaking the house as it did so. Buffy sat up further in her bed and grabbed her comforter pulling it over her pajama clad body. She strained her ears as she listened, footsteps. She could hear foot steps climbing the staircase. Thick heavy footsteps, the sound they made chilled her to the bone. She frantically looked to her bedside table and grabbed her phone. 9*1*1* she dialed into the phone. When she put the earpiece up to her all she could hear was a busy signal. “Shit!” Buffy exclaimed as she slammed down the phone. The footsteps were getting closer and she thought about hiding or jumping out the window, but she was paralyzed with fear and couldn’t move. She heard the footsteps come to a stop right outside her door, and her breath caught in her chest as she saw the gold door knob turn very slowly. The door opened and she had to shield her eyes to the light behind it. She could make out a man’s form silhouetted against the light and tried to discern any details that she could. That’s when she heard him.
“Buffy, Luv, I’ve been looking for you.” He stepped away from the door and she was able to focus on him.
“William?” Buffy breathed. “You scared me.”
“Shh, Pet. I didn’t mean to scare you, baby. I knew I’d find you here,” he whispered as he walked to the side of the bed. When he reached her, he slowly ran his thumb across her cheek, catching a stray hair that had fallen into her face, and he tucked it behind her ear. She closed her eyes when he made contact with her skin, breathing in his essence.
“Mmm,” she sighed, “I’ve missed you.”
“I miss you, so much. It feels so good to touch you baby,” he whispered as he placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. Buffy took advantage of his closeness and pulled him down to her.
“You’re too far away,” she whispered as she kissed him soundly on the lips. Her tongue darted out, licking his bottom lip, begging him to let her in. He responded instantly and opened up to her. Their tongues danced slowly around each other as William climbed into bed with her. They broke the kiss when air became an issue and Buffy laid her head upon his chest, nuzzling his warmth.
“You feel good,” she whispered.
“Not as good as you, love.”
She looked up into his eyes and noticed they were glistening with unshed tears. “William,” she breathed as she reached up and traced the outline of his face with her index finger. He closed his eyes and relished the feel of her touch. A single tear slid down his cheek and she caught it with the pad of her thumb.
“No tears,” she whispered softly.
“It feels so good to have you here, like this,” William sighed, his voice quaking with emotion. “I wish you’d come home love, to me, to us...”
“Shh,” she interrupted, placing a finger over his lips to quiet him. “Can’t we just be here, where it’s safe and it’s just us?”
He smiled at her and bent down to catch her lips in a passionate kiss. Buffy broke the kiss first, her skin was slightly flushed, and her lips were swollen from kisses. She leaned toward him and placed feather light kisses along his jaw line. “I love you,” she breathed as she placed an open mouthed kiss at the base of his neck.
“Buffy,” he gasped.
Buffy worked her way to his ear tugging lightly on the lobe with her teeth. “William?” she breathed quietly.
“Yes love.”
“Make love to me.”
William pushed her back slightly so that she was facing him. She looked deep into his eyes and thought that he was going to push her away.
“I’m sorry, I thought-”
“Shh,” he reached out to her and slowly began to unbutton the top to her pajamas. Never breaking eye contact, he removed her shirt. Buffy was panting with want as she stared into his eyes. She leaned in to kiss him softly as she began to tug at his t-shirt. Once she had freed the hem of his shirt from his jeans, she slowly lifted it over his head, breaking their kiss to discard the material. He breathed heavily as he ran the palm of his hand down her cheek, then her neck to her collarbone and eventually finding his target, he cupped her right breast in his hand. She hissed at the contact, and arched into his hand. He slowly licked her neck starting from her collarbone and ending at the base of her chin.
“I want you,” he whispered huskily.
“I’m yours,” she replied.
William gently grabbed Buffy’s waist and turned her so that she was now laying on the bed beneath him. Without a word he began to untie the belt to her pajama bottoms. When he had them loose, he slowly removed them along with the cotton underwear she wore underneath. Once she was completely bared to him, he sat back in awe of her.
“You are so bloody beautiful,” he exclaimed as he showered her body with kisses. “So sweet,” he sighed as he kissed her bellybutton. He ran his hands up and down her sides and smiled when he felt the goose bumps appear upon her skin. One of William’s hands found his way to her heat and lightly caressed her.
“William,” Buffy gasped when she felt his hand come in contact with her. “Please, I need you,” she begged.
He smiled lovingly at her as his finger began to slowly trace circles around her throbbing clit. Buffy writhed beneath him, panting and gasping for breath. She had suddenly lost the ability to think, the only words that she could form were a faint, “Don’t stop.” William continued his ministrations until she was almost to the edge. He could feel her body beginning to quake and he quickly pulled away from her. Buffy groaned in protest and opened her eyes at the loss of contact. She could see him standing beside her bed as he quickly removed the rest of his clothing. When he stood naked before her, she reached out to him, beckoning him to join her. He slowly climbed up her body until his eyes met hers in a comfortable gaze. He leaned down and kissed her, pushing her legs apart with his knee, positioning himself at her opening. When he broke the kiss he softly rested his forehead against hers. He pushed into her slowly, his gaze never leaving hers.
“Oh God,” she cried when he was fully sheathed inside of her.
“You okay luv?” he asked shakily, fighting for control.
“I love you,” was her only reply.
William kissed her passionately as he began to slowly thrust in and out of her. Buffy moaned slightly at the feel of him inside her and he took the opportunity to run his tongue along the top of her teeth. One hand moved between their bodies and cupped one of her breasts, gently tracing the circle of her nipple as they moved together.
“William,” she gasped.
“God Pet, you feel so bloody good. Love you so much,” he panted as he quickened his pace. Buffy lifted her hips to meet his thrusts and he cried out, “Yes baby, move with me, just like that. I love you. Tell me that you love me.”
“I love you.”
“Tell me you’re mine baby, tell me there’s no one else and that you’ll always be mine.”
“No one else,” Buffy gasped. “ Could never be anyone else; you...ahh..you’re my everything.” Buffy could feel herself nearing the edge and she closed her eyes trying to fight it off. William could feel her holding back. He reached between them and traced light circles on her clit again.
“Don’t hold back baby, need you to come with me.”
“Oh God!” Buffy exclaimed. “William....I....”
“That’s it baby, come on.” That was all the encouragement Buffy needed she plummeted over the edge screaming his name. When he felt her quiver around him he followed, burying his head in the crook of her neck. When their breathing started to return to normal, he looked up into her eyes, and still sheathed inside her he kissed her lightly on the forehead. Buffy could feel him begin to pull away and she quickly tightened her grip around his neck.
“Stay with me, please, just until I fall asleep?”
William smiled lovingly at her and kissed her forehead again. “I’ll stay with you love.” He slowly pulled out of her and moved her so that he could cradle her in his arms. “Always,” he whispered and kissed the top of her head as she drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 10
Rage
Buffy awoke just as the sun rose. The dim light filtered though her window casting a bright orange and yellow glow around the room. She felt warm and safe as she realized that she was now wearing William’s black t-shirt. Buffy’s thoughts wandered back to the dream that had repeated itself over and over again in her sleep. She remembered holding William, his soft words of comfort, the way his hands molded to her body as they made love. Buffy felt rested, and for the first time since the accident she knew some sort of peace. She snuggled back into the comforter and closed her eyes, eager to allow sleep to take over once more so she could re-live the delicious dream. That’s when she heard it, the distinct sound of someone in the shower. She realized that Willow must have come home.
“It’s about freaking time,” she muttered to herself, rolling her eyes. When she heard the water turn off, she thought about bursting into the bathroom and giving her best friend a real piece of her mind for making her worry. Buffy quickly dismissed the thought, and settled back into the warmth of the bed. Willow would be out soon and she could give her what-for when she finally emerged, which she definitely planned to do.
The bathroom door opened slowly and Buffy sat up in bed to greet her roommate. “It’s about freaking time! Do you know that I’ve been worried out of my-” Buffy trailed off when she saw who emerged from the bathroom.
“Sorry,” Riley replied smiling sheepishly as he closed the bathroom door. He was wearing jeans and had yet to put on a shirt. He carried a towel in his hand and quickly used it to begin to dry his still dripping head. “I just needed to take a shower. I didn’t think that you would worry.”
“Riley!” Buffy exclaimed as she grabbed the hem of her blanket and quickly pulled it up to cover herself. “What are you doing, how did you get in here?”
The smile on Riley’s face quickly faded and was replaced by a look of concern. “Are you serious?”
“Um…. yeah,” rolling her eyes as she answered him. “How did you get in here?” Buffy demanded again.
“Buffy, I stayed here.” Riley answered her patiently. “Don’t you remember?”
“Remember? Remember what?” Buffy trailed off when she took a survey of the room. She saw the jeans and t-shirt that she had been wearing the day before in a crumpled heap next to the door. There was also another set of clothing strewn not far away from hers. Then she saw something that made her stomach turn, a discarded condom wrapper on the floor just below the foot of her bed. “Oh God.” Buffy breathed. “Riley, did we, I mean we didn’t…did we?”
“What?” Riley asked obviously confused.
Buffy wrapped the blanket around herself and jumped down from the bed and started to pace the room. “Riley,” she started as she turned to face him. “What exactly happened here last night? Did I…did we sleep together.”
“You really don’t remember,” he asked.
“I really don’t.” she replied shaking her head and growing steadily impatient.
“Do you remember me walking you home?” Riley asked, not quite knowing where to start.
“Um…” Buffy thought for a minute. “Yes, yes I do. I left class early because I wasn’t feeling great and you walked me home.”
“Right, well we got separated when we got to the dorm and you went on ahead of me. I caught up with you here, and you were pretty upset.”
“Okay…and?”
“Well,” Riley was beginning to fidget. “I tried to get you to calm down. Umm…you were collapsed on the floor so I tried to pick you up, you know to at least try to get you into a chair or into the loft. You hugged me and…”He trailed off.
“And what?” Buffy asked.
“You asked me to make love to you. You told me that you felt safe with me here. Buffy I’m sorry I didn’t mean to take advantage.”
“Oh my God,” was Buffy’s only reaction. She let out something that sounded like a mix between a laugh and a sob and began to quickly pace the room again.
“Buffy,” Riley placed his hand on her shoulder halting her nervous pacing. “I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why you’re so upset right now.” Riley paused to take a deep breath. He lifted her chin so that she was looking him in the eyes. “I do know that I don’t regret last night. I didn’t want to take advantage of you.”
Buffy shook his hand from her face where it still rested and shook her head furiously. “Riley, I don’t think that you took advantage of me. I’m sure that I did say those things, but I didn’t know that I was saying them to you.” She noticed the look of confusion in his eyes, and took a deep breath before she continued. “I know that this is going to sound crazy. Believe me it sounds crazy to me too. I was talking to William.”
“Buffy,” he rolled his eyes as he tried to reach out for her again.
“No!” Buffy took a step back out of his reach. “I know how it sounds but it’s true. William is still here with me, I can still feel him.”
“Buffy, William is gone.” Riley’s voice shook with anger and frustration. “He left you here, don’t you remember? You buried him and he’s gone. The sooner that you realize that and stop running back to him every chance you get the better off-”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Buffy interrupted, pointing a finger at him as she spoke. “You don’t know anything about me and you sure as hell don’t know anything about William. My relationship with him, past or present, is none of your business.”
“Buffy…”
“No,” Buffy interrupted, turning her back on him. “I don’t want to hear it, you’ve said more than enough. Just get your shit and get out.”
Riley started to gather up the remnants of his belongings that were strewn carelessly about the room. After he put his shirt on and had his shoes, socks tucked under his arm, and his keys in his hand he turned to her and said, “Buffy, sooner or later the time is going to come when you are going to have to make a choice.” He opened the door to the room and stepped barely into the hallway. He held the door open as he continued. Motioning towards Xander and Anya’s room he said, “You’ve got friends here that love and care about you very much. You’ve got the opportunity to make a new one if you’re open to it. But you’ve got to choose. Are you with us or are you with William? You can’t have both.”
“What?” Buffy asked shaking her head. “What are you talking about?”
“I think you know.” Riley answered letting go of the door. Before it shut completely Buffy heard a faint “See you around,” Before he was gone.
***
Knock, knock. Buffy tapped on the large wooden door impatiently. She had her arms wrapped around herself, her face streaked with tears that she didn’t take the time to wipe away. “Come on,” she whispered bouncing on her toes as she waited for an answer. “Please be here.” She was about to knock again when the door swung open.
“Buffy,” Father Angel smiled as he opened his door. He was wearing what looked like to be the same clothes that he had on the other day with the exception of the small wire rimmed glasses that adorned his nose. He was holding an open book in his hands that Buffy assumed to be the Bible. He snapped the book closed as he continued to greet her. “What brings you here today?”
“I’m sorry to bother you.” Buffy wiped at the fresh tears that were starting to form behind her eyes. “I didn’t know where else to go.”
“Please come in.” He opened the door all of the way and ushered her inside. Buffy stepped slowly into the rectory. She looked at the walls that now surrounded her. They were covered with pictures, some paintings of religious martyrs, the pope all of religious significance. In front of her was a large crucifix that hung solemnly on the opposite wall. The figure entranced her as she walked carefully across the room until she was standing directly in front of the large wall decoration. Her tears were still coming, however she was so entranced she had long forgotten them.
“Buffy, what is it?” Father Angel asked as he stepped closer to her. He noticed the tears that were continuing to fall and placed a concerned hand on her shoulder. “What happened?”
Taking a deep slow breath Buffy answered him, “I abandoned my faith a long time ago Angel. Religion just didn’t seem to fit into my life so I discarded it.” She turned to face him as she continued, “Do you think that I’m being punished?”
“God doesn’t work that way Buffy.” Father Angel replied as he led her over to a near by table and chairs. Once he had her settled he sat in the chair directly facing her. “We all have our own battles to win, how you choose to fight them is up to you.”
Buffy nodded numbly. “You told me the other day that you thought that it was possible that William was still here. Did you mean that?”
Father Angel studied her curiously before answering her. “I did,” he replied crossing his arms in front of him, and leaning back in his chair.
“What does that mean?” Buffy asked shifting uncomfortably in her chair.
Angel sighed heavily. “Buffy, no one can tell you that. You just need to trust yourself. William won’t lead you astray. I know that you’re confused right now, you should be. This is your journey, and you will come out of it. No one can know what the out come will be, you have to trust yourself.”
Buffy laid her head down on the table that sat between them. “What is he trying to save me from Angel? I think I’m losing my mind.”
“I think that you should be patient. I think that all of your questions will be answered in time. You’re not crazy,” Angel said placing a hand on her head to comfort her.
“I just don’t understand. What’s doing this to me?” Buffy asked wearily. She felt overcome with exhaustion. Father Angel’s presence was surprisingly comforting and she could feel sleep begin to creep up on her.
Sensing her apprehension Father Angel stood and turned off the overhead light before whispering, “Sleep now, Buffy.” When she could feel her breath even out as sleep finally claimed her she heard him faintly whisper, “I promise you, all will be answered soon.”
***
When Buffy awoke she was surprised to see that she was no longer sitting at the table where she had fallen asleep. She was now resting comfortably in one of the rectory bedrooms. There was a small afghan draped over her body, and she was alone. Father Angel had obviously carried her to bed, however he was now gone. Buffy strained her ears for any noise that would indicate his presence. She heard nothing. I guess he must have mass, or something. She thought to herself as she threw the blanket off of herself. She stood up from the bed and looked quickly around the room for something she could use to write a note on. When she couldn’t find anything she decided she would just go find him herself. She opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. She could see the windows in the front room and cringed inwardly when she noticed that it was now dark outside. The rectory was dimly lit in candlelight and Buffy had to walk carefully due to her limited ability to see. She was almost to the door when she felt a hand grasp lightly onto her shoulder. She jumped slightly when she heard a man’s voice ask,
“Can I help you with something Miss?”
“Oh,” Buffy exclaimed placing her hand over her heart as she turned to face the man. “You scared me a little.”
“I’m sorry,” he removed his hand from her as he apologized. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. Just wanted to make sure you didn’t need any help is all. I’m Father Conner, and you are?” he asked her raising his brow slightly.
“Buffy, Buffy Summers,” she answered offering her hand in a greeting. He took her hand and gave it a hearty shake before replying.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you Buffy.”
She smiled warmly at him. “I was actually looking for someone. He was here with me before, and I guess I fell asleep, Angel, Father Angel.
Conner looked at her quizzically. “I’m afraid that you’re mistaken miss. I do know Father Angel. He was here when I first came to this Parrish nine years ago. He left shortly there after and we’ve not heard from him since.”
“That’s impossible,” Buffy exclaimed looking wildly around the room. “He was right here with me this afternoon, and on campus the other day.”
“Again, Miss, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to tell you, but Father Angel has not been here for-”
“Thank you, Father Conner.” Buffy interrupted shaking her head. She couldn’t handle one more person looking at her like she had totally lost her mind. “I didn’t mean to intrude, I’ll just let myself out.”
Buffy quickly stepped out of the rectory and closed the door behind her. He’s wrong. I know that I didn’t imagine Father Angel. I couldn’t have. How the hell else did I end up in the bedroom. He had to have carried me. Buffy began to walk slowly back to campus. She had begun to silently cry. He was mistaken. That had to be it. Everyone else was just- Buffy rolled her eyes at what was actually going through her mind. That’s great Buffy. Blame everyone else. That doesn’t sound insane at al. I’m not crazy everyone else is, yeah that makes a lot of sense.
***
When Buffy finally reached Oglethorpe house she was both mentally and physically tired. She let out a sigh of relief as she entered the building and walked solemnly to her room. When she rounded the corner that turned into her hall, she saw Xander and Anya waiting for her in the hallway.
This doesn’t look good, she thought to herself when she noticed Anya’s concerned expression and Xander pacing angrily around the hallway.
“Hey guys,” Buffy almost whispered as she reached the couple holding up her hand in a half wave as she spoke. “What’s going on?”
Xander spun around on his heels to face the petite blonde when the sound of her voice disturbed his furious pacing. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Excuse me?” Buffy asked, puzzled by her friends sudden lashing out.
“You know good and well what I’m talking about Buffy,” Xander yelled, pointing an accusing finger at her.
Buffy shook her head as she started to walk past the couple to unlock her door. “Sorry Xand,” she said digging her keys out of her pocket. “I didn’t know I needed to report my every move to you. The next time I go out for the day I’ll be sure to leave you an itinerary.”
Xander reached out and grabbed Buffy by the arm tightly, halting her from opening her door. “That’s not what I’m talking about, Buffy. I don’t give a damn where you’ve been all day. I’m talking about what exactly happened here last night and this morning.”
Buffy’s eyes grew wide as the realization of what Xander was referring to finally hit her. “You mean Riley?”
“What did you do?” Xander asked gruffly, his grip on her not loosening.
Buffy jerked her arm from Xander’s grasp and stared at him for a moment. “Is that your business?” she asked him snidely, rubbing the red mark on her arm that his grip had left. “My God, Xander, have you never made a mistake?”
“So you admit that it was a mistake?” Anya interjected, raising her eyebrows. “See honey, she knows that she made a mistake,” she added turning to Xander.
“What were you thinking?” Xander asked her shaking his head angrily. “Buffy, how could you do that?”
Buffy took a step toward Xander so she could look him directly in the eye. “How do you even know about any of this? My God! Xander, were you spying on me? What gives you the right-”
“I talked to Riley.” Xander interrupted. “He told me the whole story. How could you do that to him Buffy?”
Buffy’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Xander what exactly are you talking about? How could I do what to who?”
Xander took Buffy by both arms before exclaiming in frustration, “He said that you practically kicked him out this morning. He said you were going on and on about Spike. When are you going to stop this Buffy?”
Buffy tried to wiggle free of Xander’s grasp, but his grip on her was far too tight this time. “Stop what?” she asked angrily.
Xander let go of her and took a small step backwards. He looked at her with utter contempt and disgust. “When are you going to stop holding out for a dead man?”
Buffy slapped Xander hard across the face, and the sound echoed through the empty hallway. “How dare you? You don’t even know what you’re talking about Xander. This conversation is over.”
Buffy turned on her heels, threw open the door to her bedroom, stormed inside slamming it shut behind her. She stood there for a moment in the darkness of the room before turning on the light. When the room was fully illuminated, Buffy stepped over to the full-length mirror that was attached to the bathroom door. She stood there looking at her frail reflection when something in the background caught her attention. She turned around and reached for it. William’s t-shirt was draped over her chair where she had hurriedly discarded it this morning when she was getting dressed. She held it in her hands for what seemed like hours before she brought it to her nose to inhale his scent. She took in a deep breath and noticed that the scent had finally faded, and was now replaced. It smelled faintly of sweat and an aftershave that she didn’t have a name for. It smelled like Riley.
That’s when the tears came. Buffy tried furiously to brush them away. She was so tired. Tired of crying. Tired of being sad and worried. She looked frantically around the room and memories of the previous night flooded her mind. She could see, very clearly, Riley coming into the room after her. She could feel him kiss her as she lay helplessly sobbing on the floor of her room. She could see him lift her into his arms and carry her to the bed. She could see them making love on the bed that she and William had shared.
For the first time Buffy felt angry. She had betrayed William. “I let myself forget.” She said out loud to no one. Buffy turned around, slowly facing the mirror again. She looked at her tear stained face. Her eyes were red-rimmed in a mixture of tears and anger.
“I killed him,” she said to her reflection. “He wasn’t dead, not really. Not till I…I let him be dead.” Buffy felt the rage build within her for the first time since the accident. She was angry that William had to die before she had the chance to say she was sorry for lying to him. She was angry that Willow had abandoned her when she needed her most. She was angry with Xander for not understanding that she needed time to heal. She was angry with Riley for being there when she was weak and vulnerable. But most of all, she was angry with herself. She could feel the rage beginning to well from within her, causing her to tremble. Buffy released a sound that sounded like something between a feral scream and a sob as in one quick motion, she punched a hole through the mirror that stood before her.
As the shattered glass fell to the floor, she looked at her hand now covered in blood. She could see the tiny pieces of glass that still clung to her cut skin, and yet she felt nothing. No pain, not even a dull ache, which only fueled her anger further. She began to lash out at the room, begging to feel something other than sorrow, desperate to erase the memories of what happened here from her mind. In one quick swoop, all of the small knick-knacks that adorned her bookshelves were destroyed as she screamed.
“I’m so sorry baby, Please I didn’t mean to,” she continued to trash the room as she cried out. “You were never really gone, you were with me, and we should have been forever!” Buffy’s motions came to an abrupt halt as her eyes fell on the telephone.
“Mommy,” she whispered as she hastily reached for it with her blood soaked hands. She quickly dialed her mother’s number and waited. The static sound of a modem connecting was all she heard on the other end. She quickly redialed the number only to be greeted with the same results.
“Damn it,” Buffy swore loudly as she slammed down the phone. She stood there in silence for a moment contemplating her next move. She wanted to go home. She needed help and deep down she knew the only person that could give it to her would be her mom. She could hitch a ride to the airport and use her savings for a ticket back to California. Not bothering to bandage her hands she stepped out of the room. She noticed that Xander and Anya had left their door wide open, and did not appear to be home.
“Guys?” Buffy called as she stepped into their room. Her only answer was silence. She stood there for moment until a small, silver shimmer caught her eye. Xander’s keys. Without giving herself time to think Buffy grabbed the keys and headed out the door.
***
Buffy had a long drive ahead of her. She tried everything she could think of to drown out her thoughts but nothing seemed to be working.
“When are you going to stop holding out for a dead man?”
“You’ve got friends here that love and care about you very much. You’ve got the opportunity to make a new one if you’re open to it. But you’ve got to choose. Are you with us or are you with William? You can’t have both.”
Buffy tried to shake the thoughts from her head as she reached for her cell phone. She dialed her mother’s number again and got a busy signal.
“Damn it,” she swore as she threw the phone into the passenger seat. The strength behind the throw was more than she intended and the phone bounced off of the seat and landed on the floorboard of the car.
“Fuck!” Buffy cried when she heard the phone land. She needed to be able to reach her phone just in case her mother tried to call. She leaned over slightly and tried to reach for the phone. Her small arms couldn’t quite reach where it had chosen to land. She noticed that she was the only car on the road. “Screw it,” she grunted as she leaned the rest of the way over. She quickly grabbed the cell phone and placed it securely in the seat of the passenger chair of the car and sat back up. She hardly had time to grip the steering wheel of the car when she saw it. She was heading straight for the median in the middle of the road. Buffy jerked the wheel frantically as she slammed on the brake. The sudden motion of the car caused it to flip over and over until she was covered in darkness once more.
Chapter 11
I Will Always Find You
“Victim is Female, Caucasian, approximately 18-21 years of age...she is suffering massive head trauma, broken ribs which appear to have punctured her lungs. Miss, Miss can you hear me.
Buffy was pulled back from the darkness by a sharp white light being shone directly into her eyes. She could hear muffled sounds all around her; occasionally she could make out faint words. She tried to speak but was halted by a plastic mask that was covering her mouth. She could feel cool air coming out of the mask, directly into her mouth assisting her to breathe. She was lying on her back, but she could feel herself moving. She moved her hand up to the mask that was covering her face and tried to remove it.
“She’s waking up,” she heard a man’s voice say. The mask was promptly removed by someone else’s hand and she could make out the face of a young man leaning over her as he checked her pulse. “Miss, can you hear me?”
Buffy opened her mouth to respond and a pain shot through her that made her grimace. She nodded her head in reply as she gripped the side of the stretcher that she was laying on. “W-What happened?” she asked her voice raspy from cottonmouth and thick with pain.
“You were in a car accident. We’re taking you to emergency surgery.” He answered her as he made notes on her condition. Buffy was trying to concentrate on the voices that were all around her. The doctors and nurses who surrounded her were speaking in hushed tones trying not alarm the small girl, however she could make out enough to know that it was bad.
“Head Trauma”
“Internal Bleeding”
“Doesn’t look good”
Their words echoed in her head as she drifted into darkness.
***
“Buffy, Buffy can you hear me?”
Buffy opened her eyes once again and could see the figure of a man standing over her. She could hear the distinct beep of a heart monitor beside her as she tried to focus her eyes.
“Hold on Buffy, you’ve got to hold on.” Father Angel pleaded with her as he gripped her hand.
“Angel?” Buffy whispered as she focused on his face. Squeezing his hand weakly she looked up at him, “I’m dying.”
“You have to keep fighting Buffy,” he pleaded with her and Buffy could hear the desperation in his voice.
She tried to sit up on the gurney that she was on but could not find the strength to do so. She looked around the small operating room. The room was circular in shape and there were doctors and nurses moving busily within. She could see a table adorned with shiny silver instruments that she didn’t have a name for, and did not want to know. She looked back to Father Angel who was smiling down at her affectionately and gave his hand another squeeze. “They told me you were gone.”
Father Angel swept a strand of blood soaked hair from her face, and took a deep breath. “I told you Buffy, we all have our own battles to face. I fought mine long ago. Yours is far from being over.”
Buffy shook her head “It’s my time.” she whispered.
“It’s been a different kind of time for you here Buffy.” He told her. “It’s true, your time here is up, but you’ve got to keep on fighting.”
“Angel what do you...” Buffy trailed off. The realization of what he was saying swept over her. She slowly let go of his hand. “Xander, Anya?” she asked searching his eyes for the answer.
“They were lost.” He told her as he shook his head.
“And Willow?”
“She, like you is still fighting. You can’t give up Buffy you have to keep fighting.” He told her sternly standing up straight beside her.
“You know,” as Buffy started to speak she turned her head so she could face him. “When William died I never got to tell him...I never told him...”
“Buffy, would you die so that he could live?” Father Angel asked her placing his hand on her forehead.
“Yes”, she replied smiling. “I would die for him.”
Father Angel studied her for a moment. “Would you live for him?”
A smile crept onto her face. She reached up and grasped Angel’s hand. “I don’t want to die.”
“Go to him Buffy,” with that Father Angel released her hand and backed away slowly. Buffy looked around the crowded room. She was confused for a moment, unsure of what she was supposed to do.
“William,” she said the name as a whisper at first. “William,” she cried out over and over again, each time growing louder.
William stepped slowly to the side of her gurney. She looked up at him and smiled. She could see tears in his eyes, and the tracks of those he had already shed adorned his face. “I’m here baby,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion.
“William,” Buffy whispered as she grabbed his hand and interlocked their fingers. “There’s something I needed to tell you.”
“Shh, luv. Just lie still okay.” He leaned in close as he whispered to her.
Buffy ignored his request and continued, “I’m so sorry baby, I never meant to lie to you. I love you so much.” Buffy was crying now. She reached her free hand up to cup the side of William’s face.
“Oh pet, don’t you worry about that now. I love you so much baby.”
Buffy pulled him down to her, she sighed when their lips met. The kiss was sweeter than it was passionate. The room grew brighter as the couple’s lips lingered together. Buffy could feel consciousness slipping away from her as she held William close to her. This is it, Buffy thought to herself. She slowly opened her eyes so that she could see him, she noticed that his eyes were also open and he was gazing at her. Buffy noticed the brightness in the room increasing as they seemed to be engulfed by a growing white light, that caused the rest of the room to fade away. Buffy smiled inwardly as she closed her eyes again, letting the darkness take her once more, never breaking the sweetest kiss she and William had ever shared.
***
Buffy slowly opened her eyes. The room that she was in was flooded with sunlight. It took her a moment and several blinks to focus on her surroundings. She could make out a form in front of her and sighed contentedly when it came into focus. William. He was sitting on the edge of the bed smiling at her lovingly. She could feel his hand gripping her own and she gave it a soft squeeze.
“There you are,” he cooed as he stood from the bed. He leaned ever so carefully down and placed a gentle kiss on her lips.
“Buffy?” She heard her name being called from the opposite side of the room and turned her head slowly to acknowledge the voice. Willow, Tara and her mother were standing on the opposite side of the bed.
“Willow?” Buffy asked weakly as she looked over at her friend. Willow’s head was bandaged and she was on crutches but other than that she appeared to be okay.
“Buffy, thank god you’re okay.” Willow exclaimed moving closer to the bed so she could take her friends hand.
“What happened?” Buffy asked as she squeezed Willow’s hand.
“There was a car accident. You’ve been in a coma for 2 weeks. I was unconscious for two days, and when I came to they told me about you and that you could wake up on your own but the longer it was the less likely it would be. William stayed by your side the whole time. He kept talking to you. He told you not to leave us, and for the first time it looks like you actually listened.” Willow told her friend smiling.
“Xander and Anya?” Buffy asked hesitantly.
Willow could only shake her head in response. Tara wrapped an arm around her in support as she started to cry tears mixed of sorrow and joy.
Buffy nodded in acknowledgement and gave Willow’s hand a reassuring squeeze. She turned to face William. “My William,” she breathed. Over come with emotion tears began to well in her eyes. “I got so lost.”
“I found you love. I will always find you.” He told her his voice thick with emotion as his own tears began to fall.
Buffy smiled at him. Her tears were falling freely now as she whispered. “I know.” she whispered. “I could hear you.
Epilogue
"Wow it's cold out here," Buffy Summers thought to herself as she wrapped her jacket around herself. It had been three months since the accident, and she was fully recovered. She and Willow had both endured serious enough injuries to require physical therapy, and with support for each other and from William and Tara they were able to fully recover in record time. William and Buffy had moved out of the dorm and into their own apartment. Being across the hall from Xander's old room was extremely difficult for William and they wanted to escape the memories. They now lived next door to Willow and Tara and the couples spent most of their free time together.
"Do you want me to come with you love?” William asked her as he stepped out of the car.
Buffy turned to face him and smiled he walked around to stand beside her and she wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. "No," she whispered. "Can you give me a minute?"
William sighed and leaned down to capture her lips in a quick kiss. "Take as long as you need pet."
She pulled back from the warmth of his embrace and smiled. He handed her a single white rose as she turned from his embrace and began to walk. The sky was overcast and hazy making the cemetery appear to be much darker than it should have been in the early afternoon. Buffy made her way past the ornate headstones until she came to a quiet corner of the vast cemetery. She stood in front of a simple plaque that seemed so out of place amidst so many decorative and memorials. Buffy stood there for a moment and took a deep breath before she started to speak.
"Umm, hi." she started as she took a deep breath. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I think that you can, and I wanted to say thank you. You saved me. I really think that if it hadn't been for you I would have died there, and now I find myself with this second chance that I'm not even sure that I deserve." Buffy wiped at the tears that had slowly started to fall down her cheeks. She kneeled down and placed the rose on top of the plaque. She gently brought her hand up to her mouth and lightly kissed her fingers. She then brought her hand down to the plaque and lightly traced the outline of the name that adorned it. She sat there for a few minutes and let the cool breeze wash over her as she silently wept. She was pulled out of her trance by the feel of a warm hand on her shoulder. She turned to see William standing behind her. She stood up and turned to face him. Smiling she asked, "How do you do that?"
William tilted his head slightly. His eyes narrowed as he studied her. "Do what luv?"
"When you look at me, I feel like the most precious thing in the world," she whispered.
He let out a small chuckle as he slipped his arm around her shoulder. "Silly girl," he smiled as he kissed the top of her head. "You are."
She smiled as she leaned into his embrace, snuggling into his warmth.
"Come on love, let's get you home,” he whispered into her hair.
She looked up into his eyes and nodded. William turned and started to walk back towards the car. Taking his hand, Buffy looked back one last time to etch the words upon the plaque into her memory before following before slowly following William's path.
Father Liam Angelus
Beloved Father
Trusted Friend
1973-2002
Thanks!! Okay, first and foremost I would like to think my betas, Charlien and Rapunzel. You ladies are so wonderful. This story would not be half of what it is if it hadn't been for you guys sticking with me. Words cannot describe how much you rock. Thank you to everyone who sent a review for Here Without You. This was my first Fanfic so all the kind hearted support that I have received regarding this story has been so encouraging.
Credits: This story is loosely based on the Movie: Soul Survivors. For the most part the dialoge in the story is mine with the exception of certain lines that were taken directly from certain episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all it's characters are the soul property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox Televison Network, and many others who are not me. I own no part of, nor am I affiliated with the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer in anyway.