Chapter Twenty-Five

I, I'm a little divided...do I stay or run away...
Leave it all behind...its times like these you learn to live again
Its times like these you give and give again...
Its times like these you learn to love again...
It's times like these time and time again...
(Times Like These: The Foo Fighters)



*


Buffy stood in front of the locked door and fingered the chain looped around the handle idly. Beyond the door was an evil presence so potent that it pulsed in waves. The evil was so tangible that it could be cut with a knife and put on bread. Seeing Dawn completely possessed by the demon that inhabited her body had been the most terrifying experience of Buffy's life. The physical changes alone were enough to send Buffy spiraling into a world of fear that she had never known before.

Closing her eyes, she tried to picture Dawn the way she looked before the possession and found that she was unable to see past the evil presence inside of her. Now that The First had taken control where had Dawn gone to? Was her spirit trapped? Was she suffering horribly? The path of Buffy's thoughts sent a tidal wave of emotions washing over her that she found it difficult to stand upright.

Crushing her fist against her mouth, Buffy stumbled backward, unable to see past the blur of tears that had built behind her eyes. Strong arms caught and held her body tightly before she could fall. Buffy felt herself being turned around and her gaze slammed into Spike's. He stared down at her in confusion, searching her eyes rapidly for answers.

Buffy squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed the sobs that were threatening to overwhelm her. Taking a deep breath, she stepped out of Spike's arms and hugged herself tightly. Spike took a step forward, his head tilted, his brow furrowed in concern.

"You shouldn't be here, love. That's not the Bit in there," Spike indicated with a tilt of his head in the direction of the closed door in front of them. Buffy shuffled down the darkened corridor and stood near a wall, pressing her back against it and then sliding down to the floor, pulling her knees to her chest.

"I know that's not Dawn, Spike. I just can't--" her words faltered and once again she pressed her fist to her mouth. Spike crouched to Buffy's level and studied her face.

"You need to get some rest, pet. It's been a bloody long night and once you've slept--"

"No!" Buffy cried out plaintively, the ache in her voice piercing Spike straight to his soul, which burned and ached with love for the woman before him.

"I-If I sleep I-I'll see that," she pointed a shaky finger toward the locked door down the corridor and then shook her head.

"No sleep for Buffy. Not until we find out how to get Dawn back."

Spike reached for Buffy's hands which had grown icy cold and clasped them tightly within his own.

"Then let's get out of here. You and me. We'll go somewhere, anywhere...just so you can take your mind off this for a bit. Please," he begged, his blue eyes round with concern as he pleaded with her silently.

Buffy shook her head slowly, her eyes widening as she stared off into space.

"No," she whispered. "I can't leave Dawn. I have to stay here. Just in case she...just in case."

Spike got to his feet and extended his hand to the Slayer.

"Walk with me, love."

"No, Spike."

"Walk with me now, or so help me I will carry you out of here myself. Won't the kiddies get a shock to see your bum hanging in the air once I haul you out of here?"

Buffy's head shot up, her eyes meeting Spike's. She couldn't help the tiny smile that spread across her features at the expression on Spike's face. Soon the smile was a laugh and Spike tossed his hands in the air in frustration, tipping his head back.

"I'm serious here and you're laughing at me. Just bloody terrific," Spike said, his hands falling to his sides as he shook his head slowly. "You're a piece of work, Slayer."

Buffy got to her feet and reached for Spike's hand, lacing their fingers together. She turned her head and accepted the kiss Spike pressed to her lips, her eyes drifting closed.

"I'm glad you're here," she whispered. "I don't know how I would be getting through this without you."

Spike tipped her chin so their eyes locked.

"Stick with me, pet. I'm not going anywhere," he stated intensely. Buffy nodded.

"A walk then?"

"Just around the building. It's not anything fancy, but enough to get your mind off things."

"Ok," Buffy agreed with a nod.

"Good."



*


The two stepped out into the stillness of the night, the cool air enveloping their bodies as they stood for a moment side by side, staring at the inky darkness of the night sky. Buffy breathed deeply, feeling her muscles beginning to relax as the tension slid from her body. She heard a faint patting sound and turned her head to see Spike searching his jacket for something. He retrieved a pack of cigarettes, shook one out and thrust it in his mouth. He muttered a 'bloody hell' to himself when he couldn't find a light and Buffy shook her head with a tiny smile tugging the corners of her mouth.

She reached into the front pocket of her jeans and pulled out a Zippo lighter, staring at it as light from a street lamp nearby caught the metal and glinted off it. She turned and extended her hand, palm up, indicating that Spike should take it. He grasped it in his hand and then lifted his head, an eyebrow shooting up questioningly.

"What's this love?" he asked, tilting his head and frowning.

"It's yours," Buffy stated simply, tipping her head back to gaze at the sky above.

"I know that. Where'd you get it?" Buffy shrugged nonchalantly, her eyes still trained on the sky.

"Found it a couple of weeks ago in my attic in Rome. It was stashed in a box of Willow's stuff if you can believe that," she explained with a shake of her head. "I figured you should have it back."

"Hmm...," was Spike's response as he took a few steps to stand beside Buffy. "You nicked it then?"

"Could say that," Buffy replied. Spike chuckled to himself and dropped the lighter into his pocket.

"Always knew you had the bad in you sweetheart," Spike joked as he put the cigarette to his lips and took a drag. Buffy turned and faced Spike, taking a few steps to close the distance between them. She placed her hands on his arms and tipped her head back to meet his eyes.

"Now that you have me here, William, whatever are you going to do with me?" she asked, her eyebrows lifting with the question. Spike smiled as he exhaled smoke through his nostrils, waving it away before it could drift into Buffy's eyes.

"Something I want to show you," he said softly, taking her hand in his and beginning to lead her somewhere. Buffy's steps faltered a moment and she turned a panicky gaze Spike's way, releasing his hand.

"I said I didn't want to leave. I'm not going anywhere, so you can stop the train in the tracks right here," Buffy said indignantly, crossing her arms over her chest and giving Spike a withering look.

"Don't get your knickers twisted, Slayer. It's just up the way a bit," he indicated with a nod toward a walkway ahead, "we won't be wanderin far. Alright?" He leaned his face closer so that it was within inches of Buffy's. She relented and lowered her eyes.

"Ok," she murmured with a nod. "As long as it's not that far. If Willow finds something--"

"I know, pet. This won't take long. Promise," Spike indicated by drawing an 'x' over his chest with his finger. "Come with me now."

Buffy nodded and slipped her hand once again into his, allowing him to lead her wherever he wanted to go. He was so insistent about it that it was impossible for her to deny him. A thought occurred to her then. She didn't think there was anything in the world that she would ever deny this man again. The thought was terrifying but welcome all at once. She depended on Spike and in his way, he depended on her. They had a mutual thing going on now. It was strange and new...and way exhilarating.

Buffy decided she was happy sharing her moments with Spike now. For so long she had done everything in her power to push him away, to make him feel that he didn't deserve her love. But now, she only wanted to pull him closer and she chastised herself for being the blind fool that she'd been back in Sunnydale years ago. Well, she thought wryly to herself, her lips twisting into a smile, we're not in Sunnydale anymore and I'm not the same woman I was before.

She was happy that things had changed. Change was good, especially during times like these when she needed a solid presence in her life. Those she had once believed to be solid in her life had managed to turn it upside down and destroy everything around her. Now the one she'd been pushing away and denying for the better part of her adult life was slowly becoming the only one she could rely on...totally. Yep, change was definitely of the good.



*



Willow's eyes widened as she stared at the computer screen that flickered in front of her. She looked closer to confirm what she was reading and a sliver of joy washed over her. I think I got something here, she thought to herself as she slowly used the mouse at her right hand to scroll down the screen. Yep, I got something. File this under the 'big something' column.

Willow bounced excitedly in her seat as she tapped the print icon with her mouse and got to her feet to grab the pages as they slid from the printer. She was glad she had claimed a large table at the far end of the waiting area where she could spread out her computer, printer and books. There wasn't much she could do sitting on the floor of the waiting room they still occupied at this time. Now she had something the gang could work with, an end to this revolving pit of hell was on the horizon.

Staring at the neatly printed pages in her hands, Willow's brain began to work furiously as she assessed what supplies she was going to need for this particular spell. She didn't bother to read the entire thing, just rolled the papers in her hand and bent to retrieve her bag from the floor. She had to tell someone about this, there was no time to lose. They were going to get Dawn back...tonight if possible. Then this would be over and they could all go home. Finally.

Willow stepped quietly from the room, casting one last glance over her shoulder. She debated on whether to tell Giles or not, but hated to disturb his sleep. The whole gang had passed out in the waiting room in mid-research. Xander and Faith had conked out on a sofa near the television; Giles' body was slumped in a chair, a book lying open on his chest as he snored softly. Angel had dozed off in a chair a few feet away from Giles and slept sitting upright, his arms folded across his chest, a frown creasing his features.

Willow would hate to wake them all, but this was important stuff and everyone would need to be involved. They were about to get a rude awakening. She would find Buffy and Spike first, she'd heard them slip out about twenty minutes before so she knew that they were outside somewhere. Willow headed in the direction of the back entrance of the hospital, her excitement causing her to break into a jog.



*


Buffy gasped and dropped Spike's hand as they stood before a clump of trees, less than a mile away from the hospital building. Underneath the trees stood a concrete bench, which was big enough for two to sit on. Buffy's eyes swung around taking everything in. Somehow Spike had managed to find a few candles, placing them around the concrete bench. A few feet away a blanket covered the grass. A radio sat atop the bench, soft music emanating from the tiny speakers. Buffy whirled around to face Spike, her green eyes shining with happiness.

"You did this?" she asked in awe and then turned to glance back at the romantic scene before her. Her eyes traveled back to Spike as she smiled. "For me?" Spike ducked his head shyly.

"It's not much, pet. Just threw it together at the last minute. Figured you could use a little breather," he explained a little embarrassed.

"Spike!" Buffy cried out, punching his arm playfully, her grin wide and unabashed. She stepped forward into his embrace, his arms immediately wrapping around her. "You...you...and this..." she waved her hand toward the candles and the radio. "I have no words."

She tipped her head back, staring innocently into the deep blue depths of Spike's eyes. He leaned forward, brushed his lips against hers and then took her hand in his, leading her to the blanket. Buffy kicked her boots and socks off, wriggling her toes in the cool grass, a little giggle escaping her lips. She plopped her body down onto the blanket and then gave Spike a come-hither stare, motioning with a tilt of her head that he should join her. Together, they snuggled on the blanket, basking in the pure simple joy of the moment. The candlelight bathed Buffy in a golden glow as Spike drank her in.

"Did this for you, love. You like it, right?" he asked softly, almost as if he needed permission to make her feel special.

"I love it," she gushed softly, placing a palm on Spike's chest. Even though his heart failed to beat, it was still capable of feeling love and giving love. Buffy hadn't felt this happy in a long time. Suddenly, a song came on the radio that Buffy recognized. It was a slow sweet sad tune and she extended her hand to Spike, who stared at it a little confused.

"Dance with me?" she asked softly.

"Uh...love...," Spike stammered running a hand nervously through his hair, "I don't dance. It's a thing. I'm just a clumsy sod. But you have at it. I'll just sit and watch."

Buffy got to her feet, pulling Spike with her.

"Not so fast. I'll teach you. It's simple," she explained, positioning Spike's hands on her hips and pressing her body close to his. "Now sway back and forth," she said demonstrating.

Spike stared at his feet and swayed awkwardly, which caused a laugh to issue from Buffy's mouth.

"No, not like a big piece of plywood, ya mook. Like this," she said and then slowly moved her feet back and forth, reaching for Spike's hands and wrapping them around her body.

He got into the rhythm and they swayed together. Soon their eyes were locked on one another and Spike had his hands buried in her hair, kneading her scalp as the song played around them. Buffy's eyes drifted shut as pleasurable sensations coursed over her body.

Spike withdrew his hands from her hair as she pressed her cheek to his chest, his hands reaching out to cradle her head. He rested his chin on top of her head and closed his eyes, savoring the closeness they were sharing.

He never dreamed he'd be sharing a moment like this with the Slayer, never thought it possible that she would ever open her heart to him. But now, here they were, together...dancing if you could believe that. The song had long ended and still they danced, lost in a moment where no one else in the world mattered but them. It was a perfect world, where there was no pain and no sadness. Just the two of them...in love. The way it was supposed to be.

Suddenly, a voice shattered the stillness of the night, breaking the bubble of happiness that surrounded Spike and Buffy. They lifted their heads in unison as their gazes fell on an agitated Willow, who fairly hopped from one foot to the next in her excitement, her chest rising and falling with exertion as if she'd run a marathon.

"I've got something here to help Dawn," she emphasized, holding up the papers in her hand. "We need to act now, before it's too late."

Willow's gaze shifted between Spike and Buffy as she realized what she had interrupted. Her hand flew to her mouth.

"Oh god you guys, I'm so sorry," she whispered and turned away.

"Wait!" Buffy called to Willow. "We'll come with you. We were just taking a breather."

Buffy slid a glance in Spike's direction and he gave her a slight nod, and then lifted his eyes to Willow.

"S'alright, Red. Anything we can do to help the Nibblet I'm up for. Let's go."

Willow nodded quickly and then began to walk away. Spike let her get a bit ahead of them and turned to Buffy, reaching out a hand to caress her cheek.

"Feel better love?" he asked. Buffy bit her lip and looked down.

"I did...until a few seconds ago," she breathed on a heavy sigh as she bent to retrieve her boots and socks. Quickly, she pulled them on and then linked her fingers through Spike's as they headed in the direction of the hospital.



*

Willow roused the group in the waiting room and waited for everyone to get situated. Spike and Buffy entered the room hand in hand, standing off to the side. Giles pushed his glasses onto his face and stretched, glancing over at Xander and Faith who stared ahead expectantly. The mood in the room was somber as everyone turned their eyes to Willow when she cleared her throat.

"I-I'm sorry I woke you guys up, but I found a spell to bring Dawn back to us and to vanquish The First...once and for all," Willow began as she studied the papers in her hands. "It's a complicated spell a-and a dangerous one. If something goes wrong...," she bit her lip and looked down, "well it could end badly. We could lose Dawn. What I mean is...we could kill The First and Dawn at the same time, since there are two essences inside of her now. It's the only one I was able to find, so we're looking at limited options here, like this being the only one."

She glanced around the room expectantly, gauging everyone's reactions. Giles got to his feet, thrust his hands in his pockets and faced Willow.

"What does the spell require?" he asked. Willow glanced at the sheaf of papers in her hand and then lifted her eyes to Giles.

"To extract the presence of The First we have to get to the source of how it managed to possess Dawn in the first place. I'm not sure exactly what that is, but the spell will capture the two spirits and attempt to extract one from the other. Simply put...pull them apart," Willow explained.

"Won't that hurt her?" Buffy asked from the other side of the room. Willow shook her head.

"I dunno. The text isn't too clear. It just says that in order to achieve extraction the two essences must be pulled away from each other, filtered out...o-or something. I'm a little unsure of the translation."

Giles crossed the room and Willow handed her notes to the Watcher, who removed his glasses as he studied them.

"It's in Babylonian," he said with a nod, glancing back at Willow and handing the notes back. "I've read an account of this type of spell being performed. It's very dangerous and rarely used. I read of an instance when a demon possessed the body of a small boy. The demon itself was killed but not before it manifested, took out the family members in the room, devoured the boy and then...uh...died soon after."

Willow's body seemed to sag as this new information washed over her.

"Damn," she muttered to herself, her gaze traveling to the floor. "I'm sorry. I thought we had something here."

"We do the spell." Buffy's voice rang out from across the room as she walked toward Willow, determination shadowing each step she took. She stood in front of her friend, placing her hands on her shoulders and leaning her face within inches of Willow's.

"You're a powerful Wicca, Will. You funneled the energy from the scythe and turned a world of girls into Slayers. I know you can do this. I believe in you. It's the only way," Buffy urged intensely. Giles cleared his throat behind the two women.

"It's not a question if she can do the spell, Buffy. It's a matter of Dawn's life being taken in the process. Is that a risk you're willing to take?” Giles questioned.

Buffy's body stiffened and then began to shake as she slowly turned to face Giles. The power of her anger caused her to flush as she took a few steps and stood before her former Watcher.

"Don't talk to me about risks," she stated slowly, thrusting her hands on her hips and regarding Giles evenly.

"But Buffy...I..."

"Shut up," Buffy's hand came up to silence him. "Just shut up."

She shook her head as her emotions got the better of her, lowering her eyes.

"I don't want to hear any of this from you. Why you are still here is beyond me, but you lost the right to an opinion when you took it upon yourself to go behind my back. Don't you see, Giles? This is entirely your fault," Buffy cried. "All of it!"

Giles lowered his head and removed his glasses.

"I'm fully aware of the consequences of my actions, Buffy," he agreed softly. "I know that I deserve your anger. What I did was wrong. But you don't understand just what is you are facing. The First Evil has possessed Dawn...and you are dealing with magicks that are far too powerful and dangerous to be taken lightly. I just want you to see that this isn't the only way...I'm sure that there are other--"

Buffy tipped her head back, cutting Giles off as she began to laugh, the sound harsh and emotionless as she leveled her gaze on Giles.

"I can't believe this. Can you possibly get over yourself for one second?" Buffy asked.

"Buffy please--"

"No!" Buffy shouted. "No. You think that you deserve to be redeemed for what you did? Do you think that you are righteous and good...that this gives you the power to pass judgment on people? It doesn't work that way," she shook her head and continued.

"Spike is good. He has a soul. You wanted to take him away because you felt that his soul doesn't warrant him another chance. So why would I give you a second chance? According to you, no one, no matter how much they've proven themselves, deserves a second chance. So no, Giles. I don't accept your advice; I don't give you a second chance. We're doing the spell and if Dawn dies...well then...that's a chance we'll have to take. I don't see another way," she finished lowering her eyes, squeezing them shut.

The room fell silent after Buffy's tirade. The tension seemed to fill the room, take up the space. It was tangible enough to taste. Buffy let out a long breath and took a step back, then turned to face Willow.

"Get what you need for the spell. If this is our last resort we better not waste time," Buffy said tightly and then slowly walked away, stalking from the room.

Willow gathered her things and left the room silently, not meeting anyone's eyes. Spike stared in the direction that Buffy had run off in and sauntered off to follow her, but not before shooting Giles a look of contempt before he exited the room. Xander and Faith took their leave as well, until only Angel and Giles remained. The two regarded one another silently.

"So do we stay?" Angel finally asked, breaking the silence as he got to his feet. "It's pretty clear to me that we're not wanted here...or needed for that matter."

Giles stared at the floor a moment and then lifted his eyes to meet Angel's stare.

"We stay. Regardless of the...tension...I-I feel duty bound to stay in case something happens," Giles said softly as he returned to his chair and sank into it slowly. Angel nodded slowly.

"Alright then. We stay," he agreed. Slowly, he faced Giles, his expression grim.

"I didn't know it was going to end up this way. If there was a way I could change things--" Giles held his hand up, silencing Angel.

"What's done is done," was all he said as he stared into space thoughtfully. "We can't change anything now...nor will we ever be able to." Giles sighed, got to his feet and left the room, leaving Angel alone.



*

Buffy stood in front of the locked door leading into the room where Dawn's body was being held captive by The First. She pressed a hand to the door and squeezed her eyes shut.

We're coming to save you, Dawn. Hold on, she thought to herself, leaning forward to press her forehead against the wood surface, the tears threatening to fall.

She could hear the faint sounds of growls and grunts that emanated from the room. Buffy swallowed hard and tamped down the fear that was beginning to rise within her. She told herself to keep it together, to be strong...to stay strong...one last time.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and opened her eyes. Slowly she turned, looped her arms around Spike's neck and let him pull her into his arms, where she pressed her cheek to his chest, a long sigh expelling from her mouth. Her eyes drifted shut as she allowed Spike's strength to wash over her, enervate her. His strength was the only thing keeping her sane in the midst of the chaos swirling around her. She lifted her head and pressed a kiss to Spike's lips. Spike returned the kiss, deepening it as he pulled her closer. No words were exchanged between them as they broke apart and began a slow stride down the corridor.



*


End of Chapter Twenty-Five
 

Chapter Twenty-Six

All our times have come...
Here but now they're gone...
(Come on baby) Don't fear the reaper...
(Baby take my hand) Don't fear the reaper...
(We'll be able to fly) Don't fear the reaper...
(Don't Fear the Reaper: Blue Oyster Cult)


~*~


Plans were set into motion as Willow hurriedly left the hospital and headed to the nearest magic shop for supplies. Buffy pointedly stayed out of Giles' way, but was unable to avoid Angel, who cornered her in the hallway as she was exiting the restroom. She sighed and tipped her head back rolling her eyes. She didn't face him, but could feel his presence behind her.

"What?" she snapped, her body stiffening as his presence drew closer.

"Buffy I want to apologize...for everything...what I did..." Buffy whirled around as the words left his mouth and made a sound in her throat.

"I'm going to get this from you too?" Buffy cried with a shake of her head in disbelief. "Do you think that I'm just not forgiving Giles here? You're not excluded from that, you know. I'm not so much in the forgiving mood with you either," Buffy offered evenly as she pointed at him. Angel sighed and lowered his head, as if he had given up.

"I'm an idiot, ok. You don't have to pound it into my brain; Buffy...I know I messed up. I know that I don't deserve any forgiveness from you. If I had known the way this would turn out, I would have stayed out of it. I only wanted to see you happy. But I see you with Spike and I get it now. Ok, Buffy? I get it," Angel said as he turned to leave.

He cast a glance over his shoulder in Buffy's direction.

"He makes you happy...I'd have to be blind...hell... anyone would have to be blind not to see that."

With those parting remarks he sauntered down the hallway. Buffy's jaw hung open as the words washed over her. She was in complete shock. Floored. Seemed to her that Angel had finally given up on the fact that Spike would never make her happy, he'd accepted it...finally.

But Buffy wasn't going to allow him to get away so easily, not this time. She suddenly found her feet
moving as she ran to catch up with him in the hallway. She grabbed his shoulder and whipped him around to face her. Then she reared back and landed a right cross on his jaw and took a step back as Angel cried out and stumbled backward. He gave her a pained look as confusion colored his expression.

"Buffy what the--" He ducked out of the way as another punch flew in his direction. "Hey! Quit that!"

Buffy reared back to punch again, but this time the punch landed in Angel's palm as he held her fist tightly, preventing the blow from hitting its mark. Buffy gritted her teeth and tried to remove her hand from Angel's. She decided the attempt was futile and gave up. She expelled a long breath and leaned against a wall nearby. Angel joined her and cast a weary glance in her direction.

"Feel better now?" he asked.

"No...not nearly enough. I should be kicking your ass halfway up and down this hallway, but I have more important things to deal with at the moment," Buffy replied, averting her eyes from Angel's piercing stare. Angel crossed his arms over his chest and stared ahead thoughtfully.

"I get why you're pissed. You have every right to be. Guess I'm not the world's greatest friend at this point, huh?"

"Just the stupidest," Buffy responded, pushing away from the wall, starting to walk away.

"Wait!" Buffy turned when he called, narrowing her eyes distrustfully at him.

"I am sorry. You believe me?" Angel asked plainly. Buffy lowered her head and stared at the floor for a moment.

"No. I don't. Probably won't for a long time," was her last remark. She turned and continued to walk down the hallway and away from Angel without looking back once. Angel sighed and shook his head, thrusting a hand in his hair.


*

Buffy entered the waiting room of the hospital and glanced around. She was sick of this stupid hospital. If it weren't for the possession thingy they would have left by now. For a moment, she wondered why the hospital staff hadn't kicked them out. They were probably afraid that the group was going to unleash Dawn on them and start causing all kinds of chaos. It wasn't funny, but the thought made the corner of Buffy's mouth lift wryly. She shook her head and tried to focus on the matter at hand. Buffy walked to a chair nearby where Spike sat and perched herself on the armrest.

Immediately, Spike's hand was at her back, slowly stroking his palm up and down, casually comforting her. He was always there, always aware of what she needed. Never before had a man in her life been so attentive and caring. It helped her cling to the last shred of sanity that she had. Spike was her rock and she was so grateful to have him standing by her side in this. It helped more than he knew.

Willow breezed into the room at that moment, holding a large bag of supplies and carrying a book. It was show time and everyone was aware of it as they got to their feet and filed from the room, following Willow as she led them down the corridor and straight to the room where Dawn's body was being held. The red-head stopped at the door, took a deep breath and then pushed it open. She blocked the doorway a moment and pointed at Spike, Faith and Buffy.

"You guys only. You're the strongest people here and I think we'll need all the muscle we can get. If this thing gets hairy I'm gonna need back up," Willow explained, stepping out of the way as the three entered the room. She closed the door and faced Buffy, stepping closer to put her hands on her friend's shoulders.

"I'll do the best I can with this," she indicated with a tip of her head toward the neon force field encasing Dawn, "but if I screw up and The First gets loose...we'll all be dead. Instantly. So no turning back, ok?"

Buffy nodded mutely and then turned to make sure Spike was nearby. Willow took another deep breath, her hesitant steps leading her toward Dawn's mystical cage. She dropped the paper sack in her hand to the floor and withdrew items from it. Once that was completed, she pulled out a lighter and lit candles around the force field, careful not to meet the malevolent glare of The First as it eyed her with its black stare. Next Willow produced a vial of a purple colored powder substance which she poured around the circle of candles that surrounded the force field. She reached for her book and indicated that Buffy, Spike and Faith should join her as she sat at the edge of the circle.

"Join hands," Willow ordered and then turned to the book in her hand. The First righted itself and cast a malicious glance at the group.

"You think you're little magic spells can stop me? This force field won't hold me forever. My strength is returning and once I'm free you will all die," The First taunted.

"Shut up," Willow snapped, her head lifting abruptly to meet the demon's gaze. "I can't concentrate with you yammering."

Buffy and Faith exchanged a look as their eyebrows lifted. Spike suppressed a snort. The seriousness of the situation returned as Willow began to read a passage from her book, the words coming out of her mouth in monotone. Buffy gripped Spike's hand in hers tightly as she stared ahead at The First who began to writhe, screaming and roaring as if it were in pain. Faith glanced around a little worriedly as the spell continued. Suddenly, the book dropped from Willow's hand as her head tipped back, her eyes turned a blood-red color and she shouted at the ceiling.

"Remove this presence from our sight! Banish it from the vessel it inhabits and send it to hell!" Willow shouted. "Evil being leave this place! Leave this place!"

Buffy glanced anxiously ahead as she stared in stupefied horror at Dawn's body as The First seemed to separate, slide away from it. Dawn's eyes widened as they turned from black to brown. She seemed to release a sigh as The First was seemingly pulled out of her body, as it took its true form.

The First shifted into that of a beast, complete with horns, large teeth and black hellish-looking eyes. Buffy's head reared back as it bared its teeth and sneered at the group, releasing a roar with such intensity that the room shook. Willow continued to shout, repeating words over and over again. The room shook harder and Buffy gripped Spike's hand tighter. She cast a glance in his direction.

"Is this supposed to be happening?" she shouted. Spike lifted a shoulder as if to say 'hell if I know.' Buffy turned a worried glance in Willow's direction. The witch suddenly got to her feet, dragging the other three with her, who continued to hold the circle as Willow's hands lifted and aimed at The First.

"Creature of darkness, born of hell and fire...you are banished! Get thee back! I banish you to the pits of hell from which you were formed! You are banished! Leave this place!"

Orange light streamed from Willow's fingers as her hair turned black, her eyes took on the same color and she directed the beams of energy at The First who lunged. It became entangled in the energy; its roars and cries sounding disemboweled as it shifted and writhed, as if it were being killed from the inside out. Buffy's gaze landed on Dawn, who was sprawled on the floor nearby. Her hair had changed back to brunette. She didn't appear to be breathing and panic shot through Buffy straight to her core. In a moment of blind fear, she broke the circle and rushed to Dawn's side. Willow's head whipped around as Buffy reached Dawn. Willow's shout caused Buffy's head to lift.

"NOOO!!!" Willow screamed as the energy holding The First stopped abruptly. Willow was tossed backward as The First became free. The roars stopped, the disemboweled sounds ceased as The First zeroed in on Buffy, its target, and made a beeline in her direction.

Spike got to his feet and tried to stand in the way, but his body was thrown across the room as if it had a mind of its own. Faith was thrown before she could move, her body slamming violently into a wall and sliding to the floor in a twisted heap. Buffy pushed Dawn's body out of the way and stood frozen to the spot as The First grabbed a hold of her and lifted her body into the air. Buffy struggled, cried out in pain as something squeezed her middle, sucking the air from her lungs. She tried to fight it, but The First was too strong, holding tightly. Suddenly, Buffy felt weak...so weak...as if she'd been drained. Her body sagged limply in The First's hold.

Down below, Willow got to her feet, grabbed Dawn's arm and pulled the now conscious teen to her feet, and dragged her to where Spike and Faith lay. They were coming to as well and Willow thrust their hands together, linking them. She crawled across the floor and retrieved her book, beginning to chant once more, this time with feeling and intensity.

The First dropped Buffy to the floor, where she fell and rolled to her side. The First began to howl as once again Willow held it captive with her power. She dragged her three companions to their feet, once again seizing the being of The First with orange colored energy. This time the beams seemed to pierce The First's body, ripping it apart piece by piece.

It let out a strangled, unearthly shout of pain, causing the room to shake intensely. Spike tried to glance around the room to see if Buffy was alright, but he was afraid to tear his eyes away, for if he did who knew what the hell would happen.

Willow's form crumpled to the floor as one last round ball of energy shot from her body and attacked The First. The impact of the magic hit The First in its center, blowing it to smithereens right before everyone's eyes. The impact of the blast caused the circle to break as Dawn, Faith and Spike were once again hurtled across the room.

When Spike opened his eyes, he saw pieces of what remained of The First floating around the room like a fog, lifting to the ceiling and dissolving and dissipating before his eyes. He blinked rapidly to clear his vision and slowly struggled to sit up. Immediately his gaze landed on Buffy who lay a few feet away, her body twisted. He was at her side in a heartbeat, rolling her gently so she lay on her back. Her breathing was labored, but she was alive. Spike hauled her body into his arms as he began to sob, rocking back and forth.

"Stupid, so stupid!" he wailed, looking down at Buffy as she lay limp in his arms, "why'd you do that? Why? Oh God!"

Spike's head tipped back and his eyes squeezed shut as he rocked Buffy in his arms. Willow crawled across the floor and joined Dawn and Faith as the three of them helped each other up. They could only stare in numb silence at Spike as they saw him fall apart with Buffy in his arms. The door of the room burst open as Giles and Angel charged into the room.

"What? What happened?" Giles cried as he took in the scene, his head darting around in a panic. Willow wearily trudged to stand by Giles' side. She gazed at him evenly.

"The First is dead. Dawn is back. I don't know about Buffy. I'm getting a doctor. I think we all need one," she said numbly and then shuffled from the room.

Faith followed with her arm wrapped around Dawn's shoulder. They both appeared as if they struggled to walk, but Faith held her own, practically carrying Dawn as they exited the room. Giles fixed his gaze on Spike and Buffy. Spike had buried his head in Buffy's shoulder and was weeping so profusely his shoulders shook, his entire body seeming to quake with the depth of his sorrow as he pressed Buffy to his body.

The Watcher assessed the scene with a blank expression and immediately knew that this wasn't going to end well, not at all. Slowly, his feet carried him out of the room as a rush of doctors and nurses flooded inside. Giles ignored them all and continued to walk down the hallway, his head hung in defeat. No one saw him exit and wander onto the highway outside the hospital, alone.


*

The doctors extricated Buffy's limp body from Spike's arms as he threw his head into his hands and sobbed gently. Her lifeless form was deposited on a bed and examined. No one bothered the man who remained seated on the floor, awash in grief. A nurse glanced over at the man and slowly walked over, crouching to his level. She put her arm around him, helped him to his feet. The kindly brunette nurse didn't ask questions, just led Spike out of the room, depositing him into Angel's arms. The older vampire caught his grandechilde stiffly as Spike wrapped his arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder. Angel sighed and silently led Spike to a row of chairs placed against the wall and helped him to sit. No words were exchanged as Angel gently placed a hand on Spike's back and tried to comfort the blonde vampire as he continued to sob.


*

Faith and Willow were treated for minor injuries and were then allowed to join Spike and Angel as they waited outside of Buffy's room somberly. Dawn was still in intensive care, as she was suffering from extreme exhaustion and dehydration, the IV's pumping fluids into her body. No one spoke, no one asked questions. The worst appeared to be over, but one glance in Spike's direction indicated that the worst was yet to come as Buffy's life hung in the balance. No one noticed the absence of Giles as a black cloud of sadness hung over the room and those that inhabited it. Morning had broken and the end was nowhere in sight. If one were to come upon the battle-weary group they would be sure to witness a brokenness that came from the pain of knowing that life was uncertain and it was fragile...it could easily be given and taken away in the blink of an eye, the beat of a heart. No, the worst was yet to come...it was only a matter of time.

Cast me gently into morning...
For the night has been unkind...
Take me to a place so holy...
That I can wash this from my mind...
The memory of choosing not to fight...

End of Chapter Twenty-Six

 

Chapter Twenty-Seven

So leave me be...I don't want to argue...
I just get confused...and I come all undone...
If I agree well...it's just to appease you...
'cause I don't remember what we're fighting for...
(Time: Sarah Mclachlan)


*


Spike stared numbly at the floor...at his feet...anything so he wouldn't have to lift his head and act as if he were actually listening to what the doctor was relaying to everyone. The sobs had long subsided and Spike only felt the numbness as it cascaded over his body in waves. The words of the doctor washed over him but didn't appear to faze him; it only absorbed into him and hung there like a bad taste in his mouth or a bleeding hangover.

He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block out the memory of Willow's spell and the defeat of The First. The actual events were blurry, but he could remember distinctly Buffy, as she dropped his hand, leapt from the circle and rushed to Dawn's side.

The connection had been broken and Willow's terrified scream in the Slayer's direction had sent a shaft of fear straight into Spike's heart. Seconds later, The First had a hold of Buffy and Spike had been rendered unconscious a few feet away unable to do a damn thing about it.

Before he knew it, the spell had ended and Buffy lay in a twisted heap on the floor, barely breathing...as if the life had been sucked out of her...which it had nearly been. But according to the sodding doctor...it was several broken ribs and internal bleeding. Her previous stomach wound had ruptured and only contributed to the other injuries, making them more serious and life-threatening. Life-threatening. The word hung in the air, and caused a sick feeling to rise within Spike.

Now the doctor was saying something else and Spike kept his eyes trained to the floor. He wanted to cover his ears, but he could hear every word, as if the words were a punishment he deserved. Then came the awful reality, the sick feeling of knowledge that washed over Spike, went through him. The words seemed to pierce his body like a hundred stakes, a thousand knives...the pain so sharp, so acute...and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

She was going to die. Buffy had hours...maybe a day if she was lucky. She was bleeding internally faster than the doctors could repair it and soon she would drown in her own blood and die. A heavy weight settled between Spike's shoulder blades as he heard the reactions of those sitting near him. Willow vaulted from her seat, sobbing and falling apart. She blindly stumbled to a corner nearby, pressed her forehead against the wall and wept with every fiber of her being. Spike kept his eyes on his feet, his eyes burning and stinging from the tears that wanted to fall but didn't. There was nothing left to feel, to say, to think. There was only the knowledge that Buffy was slipping away and that time was limited. They'd only been together a few weeks, less than a month, not even a year. Bile rose in Spike's throat and he swallowed hard. Oh God I wish I was dead....


*


Giles didn't say anything to the man who showed him to his motel room. The man opened the door, made some mundane remarks about the room and then exited. Giles closed the door softly behind him and stumbled to the lone chair in the room...an awful thing...looked is if it had been upholstered in the forties.

When he sank into it a faint smell of urine wafted from the fabric. But the Watcher didn't notice any of these things. He stared at the brown paper sack in his hand and lifted it, to reveal a bottle of liquor inside. Giles took a long pull from the bottle, swiped his mouth across his lips and then reached for something at his feet. Another brown paper sack, but this one held something much different.

Slowly, he reached into the sack and pulled out a .38 Smith and Wesson handgun. The sack dropped to the floor as Giles held the handgun up to closely inspect it. His hand stroked over the barrel as his features crumpled and sobs began to assail him.

His head tipped to his chin as the hand that clutched the gun sank limply to his side. He covered his face with the other hand, his shoulders shaking with sobs. The cell phone in his pocket began to ring and he reached into the pocket of his pants and withdrew it. He placed it on the table beside him as it continued to ring.

Once again, the gun was lifted and this time the barrel placed in his mouth, his eyes squeezing shut as his finger clumsily closed around the trigger. Sweat popped out on his brow as his breathing huffed around the cold metal protruding from his mouth. So sorry, Buffy...so sorry...loved you like a father would love a daughter...loved you so much...so sorry...


*

Angel frowned at the phone in his hand, listening to the rings on the other end. The ringing continued as the phone wasn't answered and slowly the vampire flipped his phone shut with a frown. It was odd, Giles had disappeared and now he wasn't answering his phone. Angel strolled slowly to a nearby window and noticed that the sun was starting to come up. He wondered where the Watcher could have gone to. Had he already known about Buffy's condition? Was he just taking a breather? Angel didn't want to hang around and find out. Pulling out his phone again, he dialed a familiar number and raised the phone to his ear as the line on the other end was picked up.

"Wolfram and Hart...how may I direct your call?"


*

The sun was coming up, its golden rays peeking over the horizon, bathing the world in a warm orange early morning glow. Spike didn't give sod all about the sun, hadn't bothered to watch a sunrise in over a hundred years, but now it seemed the only thing that mattered to him at this point. Of course he could watch the sunrise from a well-protected spot, the curtain he was standing behind was enough to prevent him from getting permanent sunburn.

His eyes were beginning to burn from staring at the sky and his whole body ached, especially his soul. His soul yearned for Buffy, ached for her. He wanted nothing more than to pull her in his arms, hold her. He couldn't imagine how scared she must be feeling right now. Did she know that she was going to die? Had anyone told her? Of course they have, you git, Spike thought to himself. Clenching his teeth and shaking his head, he stepped away from the window.

It seemed that time was moving in slow-motion...minutes felt like hours...and the pain kept coming...rolling over him in waves. More than once today Spike had let the tears fall. Willow had tried to comfort him, but he'd vamped out and lunged at her, causing the red-head to jump back a step, her eyes widened in fear. She shook her head and turned away and Spike immediately wanted to go to her, apologize...but he knew that it wouldn't make a bloody bit of difference.

Buffy was still going to die and he was still going to have to sit here and wait for the end, like the sodding fool he was. What he should be doing is going out and getting so pissed he couldn't see straight, anything to dull the ache of the pain in his head, his heart and his soul. He wanted to see Buffy and he couldn't take this waiting anymore. If he waited any longer he would start tearing the place apart...anything to release the pent-up rage building within him. The waiting...the not knowing...the sense of sadness and potent fear that curled around his heart, clung to his body was enough to send Spike whirling into madness. Slowly he pressed his body against a wall, sank to the floor and threw his head in his hands, weeping. Not again...not like the last time...can't lose her again......


*


Buffy slowly opened her eyes and blinked rapidly. Something was wrong with her vision, it was all cloudy. Seemed the same thing had happened to her brain, 'cause it was a little murky up there in her head. Frowning, Buffy swung her gaze from side to side, trying to decipher where she was and what was happening.

Then suddenly it all came flooding back to her in a rush, like a tidal wave washing over her body. Images and sounds assailed Buffy's senses as her eyes drifted closed. The spell...The First...it had a strong grip around her body...squeezing...squeezing...tighter...too tight...no air...can't breathe...and then the veil had dropped over her eyes and that was all that she remembered.

Then she'd had some sort of out-of-body experience 'cause she'd seemed to float above her own body, watching the events unfolding below. Spike...he was weeping...clutching her body in his arms...sobbing...screaming...terrible sounds of pain that seemed to come from somewhere deep within himself... so deep inside...where his soul was. Oh God... Buffy raised her hand slowly to her face and covered it as tears began to leak from her eyes, the moisture sliding down into her ears, wetting her hair as the sobs wracked her body. Spike...Oh God...Spike...

A sound stopped the tirade of emotions as someone entered the room. A doctor in a blinding white lab coat suddenly appeared above her...a somber expression on his face. Buffy felt her gut twist with terrified anticipation. What was happening to her? What was next? Can't handle this...Spike...where are you...Spike......


*

The motel hallway was silent and still, cloaked in the warm glow of the morning sunrise. A maid pushing a cart laden with cleaning supplies moved down the hallway slowly, stopping at a room and pulling a card from her pocket. She swiped the card in the reader and was about to enter the room when a gunshot pierced the stillness surrounding her. Startled, the woman let out a sound of fright as the card in her hand fluttered to the floor. Covering her mouth, her eyes widened in horror, the maid descended down the hallway, seemingly in slow-motion, until she was standing in front of the last door at the end. The door was ajar and she closed her hand around the knob, pushing it open slowly. She entered the room, her form disappearing inside. Seconds later an ear-piercing scream shattered the peaceful stillness of the early morning...

I need just a little more silence...yeah I just need a little more time...
For courage to pull away...there will be hell to pay...
Deeper you cut to the bone...
Time here all but means nothing...just shadows that move across the wall...
They keep me company...but they don't say nothing at all...

End of Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight


*


Spike stood at the door of her hospital room, hand poised to turn the handle, ready to enter...but not quite. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook himself, swallowing the tears that began to build. He felt as if he were walking around in a bad dream...the one that he could never seem to wake up from.

Once again, he tried to turn the door handle, but found that he was unable. He couldn't bring himself to open the door and step inside. It seemed all that waited for Spike inside was more pain and more death and he'd had about more than he could handle these days. His body sagged visibly as he pressed his forehead to the hard wooden surface of the door and his shoulders shook from sobs. Seemed he'd done nothing but cry these past few hours...the tears spilling from a bottomless pit of sorrow that twisted somewhere in his gut.

A hand touched his shoulder gently and slowly Spike turned, coming face to face with Faith. Her somber brown eyes slammed into his and once again the dam broke. He stumbled into the arms of the rogue Slayer and wrapped himself in her embrace, which was hesitant at first, as Faith's eyes widened from the sudden burst of emotion from the vampire.

She wasn't accustomed to showing her emotions, giving others comfort. She was just uncomfortable with the whole array of human emotions. The concept was just completely foreign to her.

But as Spike's body shook in her embrace, Faith knew there was nothing more she could do then hold him and let him weep. She had never seen or experienced anything quite like she was going through right now.

A vampire...a master vampire nonetheless... was sobbing with wild abandon in her arms and if the situation weren't so dire, it would almost be funny. Faith shook the thought from her brain. There was nothing funny about this. Just...odd. The Slayer of Slayers, weeping like a baby over the woman he loved. Strange twists of irony to go all around, Faith supposed.

Gently, Faith raised Spike's head from her shoulder and stared into his weepy azure blue eyes, inching her face close to his.

"You got it, Spike?" she asked.

He only nodded, swiped a hand across his nose and stumbled backward. He kept his eyes averted as if he were embarrassed and then turned and stumbled down the hallway and away from Buffy's room. Faith could only stand and watch him disappear, feeling as if she had done or said something wrong. Her eyes took in the closed door before her and she sighed, running her fingers through her shoulder-length brunette hair.

Damn B...things are fallin apart without you around to pick up the pieces. Faith shook her head and slowly shuffled down the corridor, her head bowed as if the weight of the world had parked itself on her slim shoulders.


*

It was too late. Angel skidded to a halt in front of the dingy motel room and felt the unnecessary air leave his lungs as he took in the sight before him. He took slow steps into the room, ducking under the yellow police tape that barricaded the doorway. The urge to vomit passed over Angel as he stepped closer to the body slumped in the chair, his eyes zeroing in on the gun hanging limply from lifeless fingers. He squeezed his eyes shut in a futile attempt to block out what he was seeing, hoping that once he opened them the image would be gone. But no...it was still there. He stumbled backward and looked away.

Suddenly, Angel was so overcome by the smell of fresh blood that he had to back out of the room. He stood in the hallway, hands levered on his knees, gulping in great amounts of air that he didn't really require. It made him feel a little better, at least cleared his head a bit. Angel cast one more glance at the motel room and stumbled to a wall nearby, pressing his back against it.

He pressed his fingers to his eyes and rubbed them...anything to erase the images behind them. The past night and this day were probably going to haunt him for eternity. He had nothing but time to think about what had occurred and now Angel blamed everything on himself. All of it.

Buffy lay dying in a hospital across town...the Watcher that had been like a father to her had ended his own life...and Spike was an emotional train wreck. Things were falling apart...and falling apart so hard...that it was going to be damn near impossible to pick up the pieces and move on.

Angel's shoulders sagged as he reached into the pocket of his suit and punched in the number that would connect him to Wolfram and Hart. It rang once and then someone picked up on the other end. Angel spoke briefly.

"I found him. He's gone. Send someone here to clean the room up, and then transport the body to a morgue until I can figure out where to send it for burial," Angel replied into the phone curtly, then flipped it shut. He slipped the phone back into his pocket and squared his shoulders, walking slowly away from the motel room. Angel didn't know at this point who he was going to tell first, but it would have to be someone and soon.


*

Dawn walked down the hospital corridor, clad in only a muslin gown and socks. She was still hooked up to an IV and wheeled the pole it was attached to along with her. Her eyes had shadows beneath them, her hair hung limply at her shoulders and her face was drawn and pale. She shuffled along the silent hallway, coming to a stop at a closed door. She pressed her hand against it and bowed her head, then reached down to turn the handle. She stepped inside, closing the door softly behind her.

Buffy's body was hidden beneath a pile of blankets. Machines beeped and whirred around her and there were various tubes and things attached to her arms and chest. Her breathing was labored and shallow as she appeared to sleep.

Dawn crept closer to her sister and stood over her motionless form. The younger Summers' chin quivered as she reached shaky fingers to brush across Buffy's cheek. Suddenly, Buffy's eyes opened slowly and focused on Dawn.

"Dawnie?" she mumbled weakly, "is it really you?" Dawn nodded, unable to see past the film of tears that swam in front of her eyes.

"Yeah Buffy...it's me," she whispered roughly around the tears clinging in her throat. The sisters clasped hands and held tightly, sharing the silence for a moment as they stared at one another. Finally Dawn spoke.

"A-are you going to die, Buffy? Cause the doctor...h-he wouldn't tell me...I-I asked...but he wouldn't..." Dawn's words came out faltered and rushed as the emotions got the best of her, her hand flying up to cover her eyes. Buffy turned her head to the side and stared ahead thoughtfully. She didn't meet her sister's eyes as she began to speak.

"I'm going to die, Dawn. I might not make it through the night," she stated matter-of-factly, and when Dawn began to protest, Buffy held her hand up, indicating that she wanted silence as she continued to speak.

"I'm not afraid of it. Died twice before, remember? I wanted to show you this beautiful world," Buffy continued, rolling to her back slowly and staring up at Dawn with a fathomless emerald stare. "Now I know that won't get that chance, but I got to show you things while I was here and that counts right?" Dawn shook her head brusquely, the tears flying down her cheeks unchecked.

"No, Buffy! It doesn't count...none of it...not without you here...I can't lose you...not again," Dawn sobbed, throwing her face into her hands as she began to lose control. Buffy struggled to sit up, wincing in pain and reached for Dawn's hand. The sisters clung to one another tightly as Dawn sobbed uncontrollably. Slowly, Buffy pulled away and held Dawn at arm's length.

"I'm ready to go, Dawnie. I know what's waiting for me...where I'll end up. I'll miss you and--" Buffy's voice faltered and her eyes traveled downward as she realized what she was about to say. Dawn tipped her head back, her teary eyes traveling to the ceiling. She slowly leveled her gaze with Buffy's.

"Spike," Dawn said slowly, "you're forgetting about Spike. Have you thought to consider what his feelings would be about this?" Buffy sighed and shook her head, slowly leaning her body back against the pillows behind her.

"Spike will...," Buffy stopped, eyes traveling to the ceiling as if she were trying to hold back tears and then returned her gaze to Dawn.

"Spike is gonna make it. He's strong and capable of so much. I know that it will be terrible for him and that he'll be sad, but he'll pull through. He knew what he was getting himself into with me, he's a big boy. I'm a Slayer and he knows that dying young comes with the package. He knows," Buffy uttered with feeling.

But Dawn had already closed herself off, backing up slowly. She stared down at Buffy, the hurt and the anger undulating in waves off her body as she eyed Buffy evenly.

"Try telling him that, see how far you get. Have you seen him yet?" Dawn cried pointing to the doorway behind her. "He's a frickin wreck...he hasn't stopped crying since..." her words faltered as a sob issued from her throat and her eyes lowered.”I can't...I can't do this..." She turned to walk out of the room, but before she exited, she cast a glance over her shoulder.

"Talk to Spike," was all she said and then left the room as silently as she had entered it. Buffy felt the walls closing in around her. Slowly, she rolled to her side unable to hide the wince of pain that crossed over her features. Closing her eyes, she drifted off to sleep, tears clinging to her lashes.


*


I never needed love...like I need you...
And I never lived for nobody...but I live for you...
Ooh babe...lost in love is what I feel...
When I'm with you...

Spike paced the hallway outside of Buffy's hospital room, his mind swirling with thoughts, his gut churning with emotion. Slowly, he approached a bank of plastic chairs and sunk into one, lowering his head to his hands. Images flashed in front of his eyes...every moment spent with her...every touch...every kiss...so many memories...a time capsule of whirling emotions that seemed to spin like a merry-go-round in his brain. Spike remembered it all and couldn't help falling back into the past and savoring each memory again. It was like a slideshow only for his eyes to see and he wanted to imprint each moment on his heart forever.

Maybe it's the way you touch me...with the warmth of the sun...
Maybe it's the way you smile...I come all undone
Ooh babe...lost in love is what I feel
When I'm with you...

~*~

Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you want to dance...

~

No, look at me! I ... love you. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut ... my throat ... I'm drowning in you, Summers; I'm drowning in you...

~

We're not all gonna make it. You know that...
Yeah. Hey. Always knew I'd go down fightin'...
I'm counting on you ... to protect her...
Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight...I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man. And that's...

~

Her hands...
I was gonna fix 'em. I don't know how they got like that...
I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?...
Yeah...that's what I had to do...
Done it myself. We'll take care of you...
How long was I gone?...
Hundred forty-seven days yesterday... um, one-forty-eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it? How long was it for you...where you were?...
Longer...


~
~*~

The sobs overwhelmed Spike as each image crashed into his subconscious memory. He clutched his head in his hands and continued to remember...like he needed to relive it again, just so he could remember what it felt like to have her in his life, to have her light shining on him. He wanted to remember how she had captured him in the glow of who she was, what she stood for. Love filled him from every angle, until it encompassed his entire being and at that moment he didn't think he could ever love a woman with the soul-searing capacity that he loved this one. It just wasn't possible. There could be no way to replace that much life, that much power, and all that strength. There was no one else and no woman who could even remotely come close to Buffy. This knowledge caused Spike to wash away once again on the turbulent waves of his memories, the bloody memories that would never cease...

Baby ooh I get chills when I'm with you oh
Oh baby my world stands still when I'm with you
When I'm with you...

~*~

I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I'd done that ... even if I didn't make it, you wouldn't've had to jump. I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course. But after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again, do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ...Every night I save you...


~

I don't know. I just feel like, like I'm spending all my time trying to be okay, so no one'll worry. It's exhausting, and then I get all ...
and that makes 'em worry even more. Want me to take 'em out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little. (Buffy smiles slightly... lowers her head shyly) Knew I could get a grin...


~

I'm in your system now. You're gonna crave me, like I crave blood. And the next time you come crawling, if you don't stop being such a bitch, maybe I will bite you...

~

Are we having a conversation?...
What? No! No. Maybe...
Well, isn't this usually the part where you ... kick me in the head and run out, virtue fluttering?...
What is this to you? This thing we have....
We don't have a ... thing, we have ... this. That's all...
Do you even like me?...
Sometimes...
But you like what I do to you...

~*~

Spike vaulted to his feet and started to pace again, groaning as he ground his palms into his eyes. He tried to push it out, push it away. But the memories wouldn't stop. They kept spinning like a bloody wheel in his brain and he was afraid that he would be swept away in this tidal wave of feelings and thoughts, until they consumed him and ate him alive. Anything would be better than this...anything. A stake through the heart, being set on fire, having his head cut off. But no, she was going to die and leave him here all alone without her. With a ferocious growl, Spike stalked from the hallway clutching his head.

I never cared for nobody...like I care for you
And I never wanted to share the things...I want to share with you
Ooh babe...lost in love is what I feel
When I'm with you...

~*~

You see ... you try to be with them...but you always end up in the dark ...with me. What would they think of you ... if they found out ... all the things you've done? If they knew ... who you really were?...
Don't...
Stop me...No ... don't close your eyes. Look at them. That's not your world. You belong in the shadows... with me. Look at your friends ... and tell me ... you don't love getting away with this ...right under their noses...

~

I love you...
No, you don't...
You think I haven't tried not to?...
Try harder....You can't understand why this is killing me, can you?...
Come on, that's it, put it on me. Put it all on me....that's my girl...You always hurt ... the one you love, pet...

~

Tell me you love me...
I love you. You know I do...
Tell me you want me...
I always want you. In point of fact, I --...
Shut up...

~

You meet my friend?...
No, not yet. But she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous...
Is it working?...
A little. It doesn't change anything, but if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts...
I'm sorry....or- good! You want us to go?...
No, I...you have every right to be here. I pretty much deserve-...
That's not true..you..God, this is hard..It's nice to watch you be happy..for them, even. I don't see it a lot.You, uh...You glow...

~

Why do you keep lying to yourself?...
I'm not saying I don't have feelings for you. I do. But it's not love. I could never trust you enough for it to become that...
Trust is for old marrieds, Buffy. Great love is wild and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes...

~*~

Spike found himself standing outside under the awning of the hospital entrance protected from the sun. He paced back and forth, mumbling to himself, clutching his head. The mumbling was interrupted by outbursts of sobs and seemed to rotate between the two emotions. Anyone watching him would have thought the man was crazy and wasn't he though? Crazy with love, with desire, with a yearning to be taken in, protected and cared for. Someone to laugh with, love with, stick with until the end of time.

Spike's head lifted slowly and he stared ahead, watching as the bright sunlight glinted off the cars in the parking lot ahead, felt its heat radiating all around and took a step forward. Can't do it anymore...can't live without her...won't live without her... Spike took another step forward as a fresh assault of memories slammed into his brain and he wilted to the ground, buckling from the pressure of his grief...

~*~

Baby ooh I get chills when I'm with you oh...
O baby my world stands still when I'm with you oh oh...
Baby ooh I get chills when I'm with you oh...
O baby my world stands still when I'm with you...
When I'm with you...when I'm with you...

~

I tried to find it, of course...
Find what?...
The spark, the missing...the piece, that fit...that made me fit, because you didn't want...I can't, not with you looking...I dreamed of killing you. I think they were dreams. So weak...did you make me weak? Thinking of you? Holding myself and spilling useless buckets of salt over your...ending. Angel...he should have warned me.... I'd surely forget it, but...it's here, in me, all the time... the spark. I wanted to give you what you deserve, and I got it. They put the spark in me, and now all it does is burn...
Your soul...You got your soul back? How?...
Buffy, shame on you. What does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be her's. To be the kind of man who would never...be a kind of man...and she shall look on him with forgiveness and everybody will forgive and love and he will be loved. So everything's okay, right? Can we rest now? Buffy, can we rest?...

~

That's not true. Listen to me, you're not alive because of hate, or pain. You've alive because I saw you change. Because I saw your penance...
Window dressing!...
It'd be easier, wouldn't it, if it were an act? But it's not. You faced the monster inside of you and fought back. You risked everything to be a better man...And you can be, you are. You may not see it, but I do. I do. I believe in you, Spike...

~

You listen to me. I've been a live a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. Don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I've only my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain, so I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong, bloody calls. A hundred plus years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of -- you. Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you, and it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are. What you do. How you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you, and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy...

~


Yeah...I hear you say it, but...I've lived for-soddin'-ever, Buffy. I've done everything. Done things with you I can't spell. But I've never...been close. To anyone, least of all you. Till last night. All I did was hold you, watch you sleep. And it was the best night of my life. So yeah, I'm terrified...Were you there with me?...
I was...

~

Angel said... this amulet is meant to be worn by a champion...
Been called a lot of things in my time...
I want you to be careful...
You're talking to the wrong guy, love. This is powerful...

~

I can feel it, Buffy...My soul. It's really there. Kinda stings. Go on, then...
You've done enough, you can still --...
No. You beat 'em back, it's for me to do the clean up...
Gotta move, lamb. I think it's fair to say school's out for the bloody summer...
Spike...
I mean it. I gotta do this...
I love you.
No you don't. But thanks for saying it. It's your world up there...Now GO! I wanna see how it ends...

~*~

The last of the memories washed away as Spike lifted his head and got to his feet, swiping tears from his cheeks as he stumbled closer and closer to where the shadows met the sunlight. He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them, staring at the scar on his hand, the one that was identical to Buffy's. He felt the flames of the fire licking at his hand again, just like they had that day in the Hellmouth.

He was being burned all over again...he was back in that place...telling her to run away...and suddenly it was all too much to take. Spike stumbled to the place where the shadows and the sun met, his feet ready to cross the line. One step closer and his skin would begin to smolder, the flames would burn and in moments he would be dust.

Spike closed his eyes, held out his arms and took another step, waiting to burn, waiting to die. Anything was better than the hell he was going through, anything was better than standing by while she died. A sound stopped Spike abruptly as he whipped around and came face to face with Dawn.

She waited as the automatic doors slid open and then stepped out slowly. Spike stared at the Nibblet, his features creasing into a frown as she approached. He turned and took a step forward away from where the sun shone and stood before her. His gut twisted at the sight of her and slowly he reached out a hand to touch her drawn, pale face. Her eyes fluttered closed, a sigh issued from her lips and suddenly she had thrown herself into his arms, wrapping them tightly around his body as her slim form began to shake with the power of her sobs.

Spike hesitated, tried to wrap his arms around her and then finally gave in, pulling her close and pressing his chin to the top of her head. He squeezed his eyes shut as the incredulous wave of her emotions assaulted him mentally and physically. Like it or not, they were in this together.

They had been through so much together, had clung to one another in the aftermath of Buffy's previous death and it seemed fitting that once again, here they were. It felt as if they were on a ship being tossed about in a stormy, violent sea and the only thing that kept them from being thrown overboard was each other. They were anchors for one another. Spike wouldn't have it any other way.

Slowly, Dawn extricated herself from Spike's embrace, stepped back and tucked a lock of brunette hair behind her ear. She lowered her eyes to the sidewalk.

"I-I don't know what you were going to do...I-I don't want to know," she lifted her teary eyes to Spike's equally teary gaze and gave him a grim look. "You should go to her. Now. Before it's too late. Maybe there's something you can do...give her strength...I-I don't know...you just have to...go to her."

Slowly, she turned away and walked toward the sliding doors that would lead her back into the hospital. She cast a glance over her shoulder in Spike's direction.

"Go to her, Spike. You love her and she loves you. Prove to her how much, show her."

With that parting remark, she left him standing there all alone. Spike shot a look in the direction of the sun-filled parking lot and then another glance at the entrance of the hospital. He thrust his hands in his pockets and walked to the doors and back inside. The Nibblet was right...he couldn't let Buffy go...not without seeing her one last time. It was the only thing left to do.

O baby my world stands still when I'm with you oh oh
Baby ooh I get chills when I'm with you oh
O baby my world stands still when I'm with you
When I'm with you
When I'm with you

End of Chapter Twenty-Eight

Song lyrics are taken from: ‘When I’m With You’, by Sheriff.



 

Chapter Twenty-Nine

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee unforgiven
(The Unforgiven: Metallica)

*

Angel paced the hallway in front of Buffy's hospital room, chewing his lower lip, his brow furrowed in deep thought. Willow and Xander were in there with her now, visiting. The end was getting closer and she was calling everyone for last visits. Angel knew damn well that he wouldn't be welcome and he was almost a little glad that she didn't ask to see him; maybe it was better that way.

What he had done...well...there wasn't enough apologies in the world to smooth over the rough edges and make the betrayal less sharp. Giles had taken an extreme measure, by ending his own life and Angel had been sorry that he'd felt the need to take such a measure.

But deep down, Giles had been a good man...horribly flawed...but good just the same. It wasn't his fault that he cared so much for Buffy that he went above and beyond what he believed was good for her. Even if it was wrong, even if it was unwanted. Giles had known that he'd made mistakes and now he was going to pay for them...eternally.

Angel himself felt the exact same way. He had made some awful mistakes, especially concerning Buffy, but he knew the path to redemption was a long winding road. He doubted that the fissure that split him and his former lover apart would ever be repaired. It was a price Angel was willing to pay.

He knew that he was a damn fool and now he would get the punishment he deserved. It was fitting and just and Angel would accept it. There was nothing else he could do. Plain and simple...he'd screwed up. It would serve him right to remember it for an eternity long after Buffy was gone.

But one thing was for certain, he wouldn't be making any snap decisions regarding anyone's welfare anytime soon, no matter how involved he was or who he loathed. Seeing Spike so broken over Buffy's situation had cemented something deep inside of Angel. Never again would he presume to know what was best for others. From this day forward, Angel would be watching out for himself and let the others around him take care of themselves.

Too much pain and suffering had resulted from the mistakes he'd made...and now with Buffy's impending death...it was too much for one person to take. Angel wanted to believe that Giles had gotten the better end of the deal...but Angel wasn't about to go that far.

He'd deal with it as he always did. Lots of dark lonely rooms were in his future, along with an eternity that yawned before him, so he could sit and remember what he'd done, the pain he'd caused. His soul would see to that. He would suffer daily, nightly, hourly with what he'd done. Death was too easy of an out. Maybe it was for the best...at least Angel hoped so.

The door to Buffy's room opened slowly as Xander and Willow filed out of the room, arms around each other. Willow was sobbing so violently that she was having a hard time walking and Xander was assisting her. Angel hated to intrude on their private moment, but someone had to know about Giles. He couldn't stand by and let them remain oblivious to the fact that the Watcher was gone.

It was to be Angel's burden to deliver the news. Karma was a funny thing...the actions you took always came back to bite you in the ass. Angel was the poster child for karma at least that was the way he felt about it. Unfortunately, he only brought these things upon himself. Even two hundred or so odd years of walking this god-forsaken planet hadn't taught him anything and he hated himself more now than he ever had in the past.

Hesitantly, he approached Willow and Xander who had seated themselves on plastic chairs that lined the walls of the intensive care wing. Xander comforted Willow as slowly she began to calm down, motioning to Xander with her hand that she was going to be alright. Their heads simultaneously lifted when they heard Angel approach. Xander got to his feet, his eyes flashing with anger as he stepped up to Angel.

"You stupid bastard! What the hell are you still doing here? Don't you get it? Buffy doesn't want to see you! Not now, not ever. So why don't you just leave?" Xander cried, stepping closer and jabbing a finger into the solid expanse of Angel's chest. Angel didn't back down, didn't move, just regarded Xander evenly.

"Xander," Willow begged tearfully, "please...don't...not now."

Xander turned to Willow, his chest heaving with the power of his anger. Willow's eyes widened and at long last, Xander's body relaxed. He began to walk away, but cast a glance over his shoulder at Angel.

"This isn't over dead boy," he shot back, "not by a long shot!"

His footsteps were sure and quick as he stormed away. Angel stared after him a moment and then swung his placid stare in Willow's direction. His shoulders sagged as he slowly sank to a chair beside her, resting his elbows on his knees and expelling a long unnecessary breath. He didn't meet Willow's eyes as he spoke.

"I know I'm not everyone's favorite person right now...hell I'm not even my favorite person right now, but there's bad news and I have to tell someone," Angel explained, his gaze remaining fixed on the space in front of him.

Willow sighed, the sound seeming to come from the tips of her toes, as if the weight of the world sat so heavily upon her that it was difficult to breathe around.

"What is it, Angel?" she asked flatly, mentally bracing herself for what was to come.

"It's Giles...something awful has happened," he stated flatly and then turned to Willow and told her everything.

Moments later, Willow broke down. She slid from her seat and fell to her knees on the floor, throwing her head into her hands. Angel still remained seated in his chair, his posture stiff and uncomfortable as he stared straight ahead. Willow's sobs echoed around the room, bounced off the walls and permeated the hallway. Her sadness was profound, deep and unrelenting. The sorrow would never end.


*


Buffy could feel the exhaustion claiming her, could feel the weakness seeping underneath her skin and consuming her. Deep down inside she knew that the end was coming and it wouldn't be much longer now. Her friends had sat beside her bed and tried to lighten the situation in the best way they knew how; with humor.

Xander had cracked jokes and Willow had giggled right along with Buffy. It was just like old times, like back in high school when they'd been a team, but more like family. For too long Buffy and her friends had been drifting apart. It had started to happen even before they defeated The First last year.

When the battle had ended they had all gone their separate ways and drifted away from one another. But now, Buffy felt at peace, like everything had come full circle at last. Her friends loved her and would always be the ones to hold onto her memory. They would carry her with them in their hearts and the thought comforted Buffy. She also knew that Dawn would be well taken care of; Xander and Willow would see to that she was sure.

Even Giles...

But Buffy didn't want to think about him right now. She couldn't think of Angel, either. She knew it was petty to not request a last visit with her ex-lover and the former Watcher that had once been like a father to her, but Buffy didn't want to spoil her last remaining hours on earth with bitterness and rage. In some way she had that luxury afforded to her. She didn't want to fight with anyone. Not now. Not anymore.

Circumstances being what they were, Buffy felt she was due to carry a grudge. She deserved to be angry and petty after what they had done. They would be punished for the rest of their lives with their guilt and the punishment would fit the crime. So be it.

Turning slowly onto her back, Buffy winced as sharp spasms of pain sent electric shocks up and down her body. A nurse had been in to check on her an hour before and had given her a healthy dose of morphine, just enough to make her woozy, but not too much so that she was incoherent. Which meant the pain was still there, but it lingered only on the periphery, it didn't consume her, for which Buffy was glad. She wanted to be clear-headed; she wanted her last moments to be clear, muddle-free.

The nurse had asked Buffy gently if she had a 'Do Not Resuscitate' order. Buffy's eyebrows had risen in question and the nurse had explained in the simplest of terms what the order was. Did Buffy want extreme measures to be taken if worst should come to worst? It had taken everything inside of her not to laugh out loud at the question.

It would have been horribly inappropriate and rude, so Buffy had bit her lip and shook her head. No, she didn't want extreme measures. Did magical extreme measures count? Buffy didn't want to go there. But she couldn't help the smile that lifted the corners of her mouth at the thought of the nurse's reaction if she'd told her that her best friend was a powerful Wicca capable of raising the dead and would that count as an extreme measure? Buffy doubted that would have gone over well.

Then the nurse had asked if Buffy was in any pain and once again the urge to laugh aloud had come over her. Pain? Being a Slayer defined the word 'pain'. Was she in pain? Only every day of her life since she was fifteen years old. But Buffy knew the question wasn't meant to be taken literally. Physical pain? Not so much...the morphine was working nicely, thank you.

With that assurance, the nurse had smiled sadly down at her and then left the room shaking her head. The nurse probably pitied Buffy, thought she was too young to die. Buffy had only looked away, not ready to accept her well...acceptance of what was coming. Compared to her other deaths, this one was going to top the list. She'd died twice before, but somehow those deaths meant nothing compared to the one she now faced.

Rolling onto her side slowly, Buffy's thoughts traveled to the past. Two deaths...both very similar to each other and now a new death...totally different from the ones she'd experienced once upon a time and long ago.

The Master had drowned her ineffectually and quickly. She had been revived moments later by Xander. A quick brief introduction to death. The jump from the tower had been cataclysmic, had held a deeper meaning and was laced with the direness of the circumstances. Also a quick death...painful...but quick. She'd been buried for a few months, but relatively speaking, hadn't really been gone that long.

Now there was this death. It would be slow, drawn out and probably more painful than she could ever imagine. No kiss-kiss bang-bang death for Buffy this time...only a slow death...the one everyone wants to have, Buffy thought to herself with a wry twist of her lips. Life, especially hers it seemed, was always full of little ironies; there was no escape from that.

A shaft of excruciating pain seized Buffy's body and she gritted her teeth, braced herself and then relaxed as the pain lessened. The spasms of shooting pain through out her body were growing more intense and lasting for extended periods of time...wouldn't be long now.

Buffy could feel her body growing weaker, the very essence of her, being slowly drained. She knew that the internal bleeding was taking her life away a little at a time. There wasn't much of it left either, Buffy was well aware of that fact.

Was she comfortable with it though? Was she really ready to go? Had she always been waiting for this moment, holding her breath expecting it to come and slap her in the face when she wasn't looking? Probably. But so much had changed now, so much was different. Because of one thing. Spike.

The thought of his name made Buffy's eyes squeeze shut from a different kind of pain, the one that wasn't associated with her physical injuries. This pain lived deep in her heart and had festered there as the day passed.

A whole day had gone by and still he hadn't come to see her. Buffy knew time was precious and as each moment passed and he didn't show, that much more was slipping through her fingers. The minutes that ticked by meant one less kiss, one less touch and...Buffy halted her thoughts from taking the path they were treading. She expelled a ragged breath and willed the tears that were building away. He would show. She was sure of it. He had to.


*

Spike stood in front of the closed door of her hospital room again, this time with new determination surging through his veins. He remembered the Bit, standing before him, tears still clinging to her lashes as she gently pleaded with him to go see Buffy. How could he have denied his little Bit that one thing?

Now, nothing was going to stop him from seeing Buffy. Not his fear, not his pain...nothing. He didn't know what he was going to get when he opened that door and passed through it, but he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he didn't take the chance and find out. With an unnecessary sigh, he gripped the handle of the door and turned it slowly, stepping inside. It was time to face his fear. It was time to let her go.

*

End of Chapter Twenty-Nine




 

Chapter Thirty

And fate has led you through it...
You do what you have to do...
But I have the sense to recognize...
That I don’t know how to let you go...
(Do What You Have To Do: Sarah Mclachlan)


*

Buffy could hear someone entering the room as the sound of footsteps echoed around the periphery of her mind. She struggled to open her eyes as the weakness and exhaustion slammed into her full force. Someone was in her room...another doctor maybe? Some white-coat had come to tell her that she was going to die a painful and horrible death? Sorry got that news already...moving along now.

The footsteps stopped at the edge of her bed and someone's weight dipped the mattress slightly as the person took a seat beside her. Then a familiar aroma, it filled her senses, made her heart start to pound and with that came the realization. Spike. He'd come. At last, Buffy breathed to herself.

She opened her eyes slowly, the brightness of the room causing her to wince. Spike jumped from the bed and flipped the lights off. The room was cast in midday shadows as sunlight filtered weakly through the mini-blinds covering the window on the right side of the room. Much better, Buffy thought to herself.

She struggled to sit up and found that she could hardly move her limbs. An hour or two before she had been able to sit up easily, move about. Now she found she hardly had the strength to lift her body from the bed, much less sit up.

So much for that Slayer strength, she thought.

Maybe it was ebbing away as fast as the blood that was slowly taking her life and drowning her. She settled for remaining flat on her back.

Buffy leveled her gaze at Spike, meeting his eyes, finding it hard to believe what she was seeing. Spike had changed. Overnight. Gone was the cock-sure swagger, the self-assured knowing smile that usually lifted his lips, the come-hither stare that always breathed of sex and danger.

This Spike that sat beside her appeared broken, drained and ready to give up. He could barely meet her eyes, instead shifting them around the room, doing everything in his power to avoid her stare. Was he afraid of her? Why? Slowly, her hand reached out in mid-air and immediately it was clasped within Spike's.

"Please look at me Spike," she begged softly.

He slowly turned his head and met her eyes. Buffy almost cringed from the pain that was clearly visible in the deep blue depths and something inside of her broke. She was killing him...this was killing him and Buffy hated that she was the source of his sorrow.

"Oh Spike," she breathed, squeezing his hand gently. "Look at you. What have I done?"

Spike squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw, his throat working as he appeared to be fighting back tears. Once he had himself under control he faced Buffy again, his gaze full of tenderness and love that it threatened to topple Buffy with its power.

"S'alright, pet. 'M better now...worked out some issues," he said roughly. The sound of tears clinging in his throat made Buffy's heart squeeze painfully in her chest.

"Sorry it has to be this way...wish we had more time," Buffy said, her voice reduced to that of a whisper as a new flood of exhaustion claimed her. It was getting more and more difficult to remain alert and this knowledge caused a stab of fear to pierce her sharply. Time...it was running out. If only she could cling for a little while more.

Please God, give me more time...just a little more. I need him...need to show him that I love him...that I'm sorry...please...

Buffy stared up at Spike, her eyes never leaving his. She knew he was holding back his emotions, could see the sheen of moisture shining down at her from his deep blue gaze.

A lone tear slipped out and began to crawl down the smooth pale skin of his cheek. Buffy lifted a finger, raised it to his face, and gently swiped the tear away. She was unable to stop the flow of her own tears that raced down her cheeks, the moisture running into her ears and dampening her hair.

Spike remained silent, only leaned forward, braced her face between his hands and searched her eyes desperately. Buffy wondered what it was he searched for. Answers? A way to escape the inevitable?

Buffy shuddered as he lowered his lips to her forehead, pressing a kiss there. His lips lingered for long moments on her skin, as if he were absorbing the smallest pieces of her that he could, putting them away, saving them for a rainy day.

His lips brushed over her cheeks and then finally claimed her mouth in a slow, achingly bittersweet kiss. His lips tasted of pain, sorrow and too much hardship.

"Love you," he breathed into her mouth, "always."

Buffy clung to Spike desperately as a new tidal wave of emotions assailed her violently.

"Oh God, Spike...Oh God," she cried plaintively. "I love you too. I don't want to leave you! Why is this happening and why does it have to be now?"

Buffy began to weep in great powerful sobs that shook her entire body. The tears seemed to come from somewhere deep inside where she kept her pain hidden away. Spike lost the fragile hold on his control and felt it slip away as he pressed his head to her shoulder. The floodgates opened and together they sobbed.

"Please pet...don't do that," he sobbed into her shoulder, "I can't bear it."

"Spike...Spike...God..." Buffy breathed as the pain became too much, as it consumed her. Moments before she had been almost accepting of the death that awaited her. But now...there was Spike and he was clinging to her as if his life depended on it, silently begging her not to leave him alone. It was too much.

Buffy was spiraling into a bottomless pit of regret and sadness. How could she have ever been so accepting of this? How for one second, could she have been comfortable with letting go so easily? Especially when she had this man in her life...this man who loved her passionately, deeply and thoroughly with every fiber of his being.

Clinging to Spike, she felt herself being tossed along the waves of sorrow and thrown about as she sobbed and tried to pull him closer to her. Spike stretched his body alongside hers, pulled her into his arms and buried his nose in her hair. She turned her teary eyes to Spike, catching his stare and holding it for long moments. Finally she spoke.

"Spike?"

"Yes, love?"

"Hold me? Just until I fall asleep?" she asked.

"Anything, love. Anything," he breathed into her ear and pulled her even tighter to his body. If he had the power he would have pulled her into his body...if that could only bring her closer to him, if only that could bring them closer to an escape from this pain...this death. Buffy sighed and it seemed to shake her entire body, as if she were releasing something.

"Spike?"

"Hmm?"

"I tried, you know."

"Tried what, my love?"

"To bring you back...when you died...I tried," she whispered, the words slicing right to his center as he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to hold it together.

Her words were becoming hushed and so soft-spoken that it was becoming impossible to hear her speak. Good thing for enhanced vampire hearing or he would have never been able to hold up his side of the conversation.

"No worries, love. I'm here now...not going anywhere...ever," he promised pressing a kiss to the top of her head.


*

Later, Buffy managed to turn her head so that her eyes pierced directly into Spike's. The time for words had passed as day slipped into night...as she grew weaker in his arms.

The room was cast into dusky shadows of early evening, and still their eyes remained fixed on one another. Buffy was unable to speak anymore, could only talk to him with her eyes as they blinked slowly.

Spike closed his eyes and concentrated. Her breathing was becoming even shallower and labored. Wouldn't be long now. Soon...

He pressed a finger to the pulse point at the juncture of her neck and shoulder and felt the blood that had once rushed through her veins halt slowly as the life slipped away. Spike held an unnecessary breath as he felt another long sigh shake her body. Was this it? Had she passed?

He listened for her heartbeat...no...it was still there. She moved slightly in his arms...summoned the last of her energy and opened her eyes...those beautiful emerald green eyes...to stare directly at him, as if she wanted to see inside of his soul. He knew that it took everything that she had within her, the last of her strength, but she was able to utter one last sentence.

"I love you," she whispered shakily as her body began to sag in his arms. Spike choked on his sobs and began to stroke her hair.

"I love you too, sweetheart and thanks for saying it," he whispered brokenly hugging her body to his tightly.

There was no response, only a slight whoosh of air as her last breath expelled from her lungs. Spike held her close to him long after she had faded away, unable to extricate her limbs from his body, wanting to imprint her weight against him forever.

It was over. She was gone. The pain was hard, it hurt like a bloody bitch and it took all that Spike had inside of him to sit up and gently press her still form against the pillows behind her head.

He brushed loose strands of hair from her eyes and then pressed a kiss in the space between her eyebrows. His vision blurred from tears, as he stumbled out of bed and somehow made his way to the door, opening it slowly. He cast one last long glance in Buffy's direction and then shuffled from the room, his shoulders hunched, his head lowered. It was time to tell the others.

Every moment marked...with apparitions of your soul...
I know I can’t be with you...
I do what I have to do...
But I have the sense to recognize...
That I don’t know how to let you go...
I don't know how to let you go...


*

Spike's steps wavered and faltered as he stood before Dawn, Willow, Xander, Faith and Angel. Their faces looked up at him expectantly. His expression told them everything that they needed to know, but Spike uttered the words anyway. He had to...if only to believe that they were true.

"She's gone. Passed away ten minutes ago," he said his voice thick, his throat raw from the multitude of tears that he had sobbed.

He couldn't see the figures before him as fresh tears swam in front of his eyes. But he could hear the Bit, her sobs piercing his senses and breaking something inside of him.

"No...no...no..," she wept, seeming to crumple from the weight of the terrible pain.

Spike stumbled to the chair beside the Bit and pulled her tiny body into his arms as they shared in the pain together. Faith got to her feet, walked to a nearby wall and punched a hole in it, as angry tears flew from her eyes. Willow wept softly in Xander's arms and Angel stared ahead numbly.

Angel got to his feet and walked the few feet down the hallway to the nurse's station and informed the staff that Buffy had died. Medical personnel ascended into the room, along with a coroner, who officially pronounced Buffy Anne Summers dead. It was done. She was gone. It was now finished. Complete.

And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
That I don’t know how to let you go...

*

End of Chapter Thirty

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