Chapter 5 - Runaway Train

May 21, 2007 7:15 PM

The two men sat beside each other at the table with a comfortable silence between them. Their attention was focused on the infant that Spike was holding. Benjamin waved his tiny arms while blowing bubbles in appreciation for the attention that was being bestowed on him. A finger was run along the inside of his arm finally coming within the reach of his own fingers and his little fist wrapped around the digit offered grasping it with all the strength his eight pound body held.

“Yeah, you are going to be a big tough Scoobie one day, aren’t you?” The Big Bad asked in his version of baby talk that was a cross between his usual English growl and a high pitched panic voice.

Giles smiled at the vampire holding his son so close. The first time that he had seen his one time enemy holding a child a chill had gone through his body. He knew Spike’s history and the evil he had caused. The mayhem he could create and the fear that he had wrought upon innocent lives was not lost on the watcher. But neither was the fact that love and time had changed Spike on a fundamental level. Now, instead of hurt he brought tenderness to the youngest members of the family.

“Here.” Kate said, walking back into the room bringing a bottle of formula for Benjamin.

“Thanks.” Spike took the bottle from her outstretched hand. “Here you go. Don’t want the baby to go hungry.” His attention turned to the squirming bundle in his arms as he brought the nipple to the infant’s mouth. Spike made cooing noises when the bottle was hungrily attacked. “That’s good isn’t it? You just eat it all up.”

“Have you ever told Buffy how much you want a baby?” Giles gently asked already knowing the answer. Buffy had visited alone earlier that day causing him to wonder why they hadn’t come together but the misery on Buffy’s face had told him everything he needed to know.

Spike looked briefly at Giles in surprise.

“I don’t.”

Giles sighed and pulled his glasses off to lay them on the table.

“Spike, it’s obvious how much you love the children. It would only be natural to want one of your own.”

“It’s not something I should want because of the things I have done.” He laughed harshly and added, “Or should I say who I have murdered.” This time he looked up to hold Giles gaze. “And she doesn’t need my guilt on top of everything else.”

“Did you ever think that maybe if you talked to her. Told her what you’re feeling it would help her to understand your reluctance? To let her know it has nothing to do with her.” Kate injected her opinion to the conversation. Over the last couple of months Buffy had been confiding in her about her relationship with Spike. She would never break the trust that had been placed in her but if she could figure out a way to help she would.

“Why would she think that my not wanting a baby has anything to do with her?” Spike turned to Kate with confusion in his eyes. It didn’t have anything to do with Buffy. The only reason he felt that he should want one was for her. Because she deserved to be a mother despite whom the father would be.

Spike shifted Benjamin onto his shoulder putting the almost empty bottle on the table. With gentle pats he tried to get the infant to burp away the excess air.

“Think about it. Why wouldn’t a man want to have a child with his…woman?” Kate asked trying to lead him to Buffy’s fears without revealing too much.

“I don’t know.”

A quiet burp interrupted his thoughts as he shifted Benjamin back into his arms.

“Why haven’t you ever married her?” This wasn’t the time for gentleness as Giles threw the whole thing on the table. By this time everyone knew that the couple was having troubles in their relationship and something drastic had to be done before they walked away from each other.

Kate stood as soon as she realized that Giles could handle this. She held out her arms for Spike to put Benjamin in them and after settling her baby against her she leaned over to kiss Spike on the cheek, whispering good night to him.

As soon as she left Spike turned to face the man he thought of as a father.

“Because I am a vampire or have the whole bleeding lot of you forgotten that minor detail?”

Giles rested his forearms against the table pinching his nose while he decided how to proceed. But in truth, there was really only one way; direct with total honesty.

“When was the last time that you fed from a human? And I’m taking about for food ending in death for the victim.”

“Almost seven years. That doesn’t change anything.” Spike stood to get away from the brutal honesty in the other man’s eyes. “I’m dead. A corpse. Do you want Buffy married to that? Because I don’t.”

When Giles laughed Spike turned to look at him.

“My God man, you and Buffy are already so married it puts the rest of us to shame.” Then he sobered. “You took her back when she left someone who was alive. You fought for her with everything you had. Being a corpse sure as hell didn’t hold you back then.”

“He didn’t fucking deserve her.”

“And we all agreed you did. So did she. She came back to you. Because she loves you.” Giles stated, placing emphasis on the last four words. “Spike, you’re 130 something years old. Grow up and settle down. She needs it and you sure as hell want it. You own a bloody house. You have all the paperwork to make it legal. This damn reluctance of yours, these excuses of being dead, is making her feel like she isn’t important enough to you.”

With trembling hands Giles picked his glasses up and slipped them back on his face. This was the first time he had interfered in Buffy’s relationship with Spike like this. At first he had fought their being together as his reasoning was the same as Spike’s current misgivings but Giles had been there to witness the changes in the creature before him. Sometimes it startled him when he almost forgot that he was a vampire. His habits so much of a human that it made them all forget sometimes.

“Did she tell you that?” Spike asked his voice barely above a whisper.

“She didn’t have to.”

~~~~~~~~~~

May 21, 2007 11:47 PM

Before he had left Giles house Spike had called Buffy to let her know that he would do patrol before he came home. He needed time to think before he saw her again as the other man’s words had torn through his heart and left him questioning the life he had. They could forget. Buffy could pretend. But he couldn’t. He lived with the demon inside of him wanting to reassert its authority. The soul barely could contain it at times. And he knew there were times if it wasn’t for the chip that he might have lost the battle.

He sat on their bench smoking a cigarette. That was a battle that he had lost. The cigarettes had been banished for years then in the last few months he had given in to temptation again. The comforting burn in his throat and lungs like a familiar friend when he sometimes felt he didn’t have any.

Tonight was one of those times that he felt lost and alone again, similar to the time when he first was chipped. Then he had learned what it was really like not to belong anywhere. He couldn’t be a vampire and he was no longer a man. His identity was found, established and shaped by a beautiful blond girl and her friends. The very ones he called family now.

There were no regrets because each battle, each hurt and each rejection had led him to where he was now. To her arms. To her love. To these people burned in his heart. Each moment fought for became all the more sweet now.

Spike stood, dropping the cigarette before he ground the burning butt out with the heel of his boot. It was time to head home.

The walk was short as he hurried through the cemetery. He hesitated for a moment as he surveyed his home. The lights burned a welcome home for him. Solid beneath his touch, this was his sanctuary as no other place had been. Its presence was not dependent on a whim of the heart.

As he walked through the back door she was sitting at the table. Buffy was eating her way though a pint of ice cream while reading a magazine. As soon as she saw him the magazine was closed and placed beneath another one.

“Hi.” She smiled up at him with only a hint of something besides love in her eyes.

“Hello, Love.” Spike ran a hand down her hair as he kissed her softly. This he could never tire of. Buffy waiting for him and for his touch.

He came to sit beside her at the table. His hand reached over to move aside the Cosmopolitan magazine on top to pull out the one beneath. American Baby. He glanced briefly at her when she looked away from him, an expression of guilt on her face as she realized that he had seen her try to hide the magazine.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to hide it from me.”

Her eyes widened at his words. Lately she felt anything to do with babies had to be hidden from him. Ever since the fight they had both avoided anything confrontational between them.

“I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize either, pet.”

“Well, gee aren’t we being just magnanimous tonight. What happened? Did you have an epiphany on the way home? See the light?” Her words were sarcastic in her attempt to hide her vulnerability. The egg shells they had been walking on for so long had become comfortable and this gentle and sweet Spike was a stranger to her. Someone she didn’t know how to handle. And was afraid would leave again.

“Yeah, as a matter of a fact it was at this very moment. Don’t forget what a bitch Buffy is.”

Spike pushed away from the table unable to hide his hurt. Her spiteful words destroyed his plans of making things right with her. It seemed like he would never learn. As he stood he felt something cold hit the side of his face. He glanced at her now standing beside him with the spoon clenched in one hand. She had childishly thrown ice cream at him.

“And in times like this I wonder why I ever wanted to keep my demon under control.”

Her gasp made him realize that he had spoken aloud. Her chair scraped across the floor as she moved away from him but his hand wrapped around her wrist and he pulled her to him.

“Spike, come on. I’m sorry.” There was actually a trace of fear in her voice as she struggled against him. But he was determined as he reached his hand out to grab the spoon away from her. It was flung backwards in the direction of the sink. Then his arm snaked out around her waist bringing her body against his.

“Lick it off now.”

The hand that had held her wrist moved to wrap itself in her hair. With a gentle pull to let her know who was in control he shifted so that he was bringing her face to his. Buffy squirmed in his arms trying to break free but his anger had given him the rush he needed to hold onto her.

“Lick it off of me.”

“No! Damn it, Spike, let go of me.”

Her body thrashing against his brought his body to attention. When she realized that she froze momentarily before resuming her efforts. This time she was going to fight him with everything she had. But he was ahead of her walking her backwards into the wall pinning her there. This time her head was pulled back so that he could look down at her.

“Are you going to lick it off? Or am I going to have to hurt you?”

Buffy stiffened as his words hit her. But then she saw something in his eyes that changed everything.

“No, I am not going to lick it off. Go to hell.” She only prayed that she was right as she refused to give in to his demands.

She was right.

Spike brought his face down to rub against hers, smearing the ice cream between them as his hand slipped under her shirt. His fingers played against her rib cage tickling her unmercifully.

Buffy giggled under his torture bringing their bodies together again and again. Her face turned from his as he continued to smear the ice cream all over them.

As his assault continued she decided to change the rules. He had relaxed as he moved against her giving her the edge she needed. She pushed Spike in the chest, sending him back enough to escape. He growled as she took off running down the hall with him behind her. As she slipped on an area rug he pounced bringing her down with a whoosh of air from her lungs.

“Give it up. You are going to lick this crap off of me before the night is over.”

Spike moved so that he was straddling her body. Not putting his whole weight on her he sat on her bottom. He quickly divested himself of his duster and t-shirt as she tried to turn over. Her efforts were stifled as he bounced against her sending her into the floor with each one.

“Now, now, pet, you were a bad girl and Spike is going to have to punish you.” He growled into her ear as he lay against her back.

“Wake up because you are dreaming again.”

With a push of her hands she came up throwing him off of her enough so that she could crawl out from under him. He laughed as he let her go because she was going the direction he wanted her anyway which was upstairs toward their bedroom. As she started up the stairs he caught her again rolling slightly so that she landed on him.

“I am wide awake.” He told her as he rubbed his erection against her hip. She stilled as he moved against her. “It must be you dreaming.”

He rolled them so that she was below him sprawled face down on the staircase. Her momentary loss of movement didn’t faze him as he flung one leg over hers to keep her steady. His hands moved to pull her shirt up so that he had access to her back. They moved against her flesh as he undid her bra.

“Spike, we can’t.” She whispered to him in a tortured breath. The last thing she wanted to do was break this mood but her last ovulation of the agreement was only four days away. She could almost feel the hurt from him as he stopped touching her. She closed her eyes as the tears threatened.

She felt him move over her again welcoming his weight as he settled on her. His mouth kissed her shoulder moving to nuzzle her neck. His tongue flicked along her ear making her moan in response.

“Let go, Buffy. Trust me just for tonight. Can you do that?”

Somehow he knew of her reluctance to lose herself in him. That she had to always be in control because she didn’t trust him enough to always keep her safe. That he wouldn’t always put her first. With it so open now how could she refuse his request for that trust? To hurt him was the last thing she wanted.

“Yes.”

That was all he needed before he continued what he had started. He moved back again so that he could continue his assault on her back. This time his mouth joined his hands as he felt her relax. A smile crossed his face as he kissed her between her shoulder blades while his hands moved across her waist. His fingers slipped beneath her undoing the fastenings on her jeans.

With an upwards movement her hips allowed him to tug her jeans down. His mouth licked and nipped its way down the flesh of her back and Buffy kneaded the carpet with her fingers as he played with every nerve ending along her spine. Unwittingly she arched upwards when his tongue dipped into the crevice of the first separation of her cheeks.

As her pants were peeled from her body his mouth continued to follow. Bite marks from his teeth were left imprinted in her bottom. Gentle licks across where thigh met curve of bottom. Kisses trailed down her leg with special attention to the back of her knees. Spike knew every spot, every move to make her turn to putty in his hands. This night he paid special attention to them intent on reclaiming what was his.

He sat up for a moment to finish pulling her jeans off. Then his hands pulled on her to bring her over. When she did her hands reached for him, desperately wanting to feel him. To have her hands moving somewhere useful instead of the scratchiness of the carpet. He grabbed them and tenderly pulled her to a sitting position. His hands came to pull her shirt off then removed her bra. As soon as she was naked she reached for him.

“No.” He took her hands and stretching over her moved them so they lay behind her. “No touching.”

His kiss came unexpectedly to her and as he moved his tongue feverishly in her mouth he rubbed his hardness between her thighs. Bracing her feet on the step near his knees she pushed herself up to meet him halfway. All thoughts of abstaining were lost as her lover brought back all the need she thought they had lost.

“Please, Spike. Your jeans. Take them off. I need you.” She panted in his ear as he moved the weapon that was his mouth from hers. It was now attacking her throat moving their way down toward her breasts. The nipples were already hard from wanting him.

“No. It’s only four days. And I am not going to be the one to mess things up.” He told her right before her nipple was savagely devoured by his lips and tongue. His fingers came to roll the other one between them. Alternately his mouth suckled then bit the one it was working on. As he suckled the other one was pinched, creating alternating sensations of pain and pleasure in both of them.

Buffy fought against herself to keep her hands away from him. She needed the feel of his flesh beneath them. To return the turmoil that he was causing in her. Then everything froze as she sensed him vamp out. His fangs broke through the skin on her left breast and Buffy’s first reaction was to push him away before she remembered his request for trust. So, she waited. He drank for only a moment before he returned to his human guise, gently licking the puncture wounds.

Spike never looked up or apologized for his action but continued down her body. His lips, tongue and teeth returned to pleasing her. Once she had made the decision to trust him she relaxed enough to let herself go in his arms again.

“I love the way you smell when you want me. It’s intoxicating.” He whispered before his tongue separated her folds. At his words her nerves danced along her skin ending at her most sensitive needs. Her body quivered as she felt her body release moisture under his ministrations. His fingers joined in the bringing of her pleasure. As they penetrated her warmth she began to move impaling herself on their cool length.

It was almost better than the first time he had taken her. She was careening out of control beneath him and he greedily pushed for more. The closer she got to the edge the more she moved against him and she went from calling his name to indistinguishable babble to groans.

He felt the power move through him as he took her to the edge. No one had ever reached her this way before him. He was the one who broke through her inhibitions. The one who had taught her it didn’t matter what they did as long as they both wanted it. That she wasn’t a bad girl for giving in to her needs and being able to vocalize them.

Buffy needed her release. She needed him to give it to her as she rose up on her hands. Her hips lifted off the stairs making him move back some. But he never broke contact as she pushed him for what she wanted. He hesitated only for a moment before he folded his hand completely to push into her. Her head flew back as he filled her making her cum around him. As she collapsed against the stairs he withdrew his fingers from her but continued to lick her. He wasn’t satisfied until she had crested several more times leaving her a trembling mass of flesh.

Spike moved over her resting on her as she came down. His hands moved around her back as he once again rubbed himself against her. As he felt her breathing return to normal he wondered how long it would be before she said something about biting her. It wasn’t something that was planned. Everything tonight had happened in a moment’s blink. It was a runaway train that couldn’t have been stopped.

Her hands moved across his back feeling the smoothness of his chest against her. The place from his bite still tingled. It was the bite that had made her lose control like never before. It had sent waves of pleasure through her. And even though it had scared her for a moment he hadn’t broken her trust. He hadn’t hurt her. She pushed him back so that she could look up at him.

But she couldn’t summon all the words that she wanted to say for his unselfish loving of her. It was a sacrifice for him to give to her but be unable to take. She reasoned that was why the demon had emerged. Brought forth from his tortured emotions and unsatisfied need for her.

“I love you.” She whispered to him as her hand caressed his face.

Spike’s relief was evident as he realized she wasn’t going to yell at him about the bite.

“Always, Buffy,” he said as he kissed her on the forehead, “Always.”

TBC

Chapter 6 - Languid Pain

June 6, 2007 4:45 PM

Buffy placed her hands on the headboard of their bed and slowly stretched. It was an awkward movement because she couldn’t disturb the lower half of her body. Spike and she had just had the last sex of the last ovulation of their agreement so her bottom was propped up on the pillow, a position that she had come to hate with a passion and would never willingly assume again.

A smile slowly crossed her face as the last week filtered through her mind. Spike had been a changed man since the night he had made love to her on the stairs, constantly taking care of her every need. She had been loved, massaged, cuddled, and talked with.

The only down side had been when she had hesitantly brought up extending their agreement. His response had been an immediate and firm no. Buffy hadn’t pushed her luck hoping that there wouldn’t be a need for it and if there was a need, maybe at a later date he would be willing to try again.

Buffy turned as Spike came back through the door holding the cordless phone to his ear.

“Okay, Barney, it will be in your office next Thursday. Okay?” Spike was speaking to his publisher who had called a few minutes ago. “Bye.”

After hanging up he placed the phone on the nightstand then came to lie on the bed beside Buffy facing the opposite way with his feet propped on the pillows and his head near her feet.

“Is everything all right?” Buffy asked him gesturing toward the phone.

“He just wants the rough draft by next week.” Spike explained as his hand slipped under the covers to caress her thigh.

“Will it be ready?”

“It should be but I will probably have to be hidden away a lot.” He said as he flipped the cover aside to expose her leg to him. “With some conjugal visits to help keep me focused.”

“Oh, married and never told me? So, I’m nothing more than your mistress?” Buffy asked in mock hurt.

Spike leaned over to place a kiss above her knee while one hand continued to stroke the flesh of her thigh.

“What can I say? I’ve always been bad.” He replied with a flash of a wicked grin.

Buffy giggled at his words but as his tongue moved behind her knee the giggle became a moan.

“Buffy? We do have the all clear after this?” Spike asked as he shifted his attention further down her leg, her ankle now the recipient of affectionate nips from his teeth.

“The cycle is pretty much done. This was the last time.” Buffy sputtered the words out as he moved his tongue to the arch of her foot.

“Good, because we have a lot of missed sex to make up for.” He explained as he sucked her big toe into his mouth.

“Are we going to do this make up sex all at one time or are we going to space it out some?”

Buffy squirmed as his tongue and teeth returned to the arch of her foot and his left hand slowly caressed her calf.

“Well, I don’t know, Love.” Spike answered as he put her foot back on the bed. His eyes slowly moved over body making her shiver in anticipation. “You know, I was thinking a little oral gratification twice a day for the next year would be nice?”

“For me or for you?”

Spike sat up then moved till he was on his hands and knees facing her. With deliberate slowness he placed one hand and leg on each side of her so that he could crawl up her body and watched her eyes darken with desire. Once he was positioned over her torso he leaned down to kiss her with a hard possessive kiss. After breaking from her lips his mouth danced across her neck then down over her chest. It was only after the covers were down around her waist did he stop.

“Both at the same time. You than me. Or me then you. Whatever happens to feel good at the time,” he finally answered her while keeping his eyes on the rapid movements of her chest as she breathed heavily with need.

Buffy never took her eyes from Spike as he watched her. It never ceased to amaze the innumerable expressions that shone from his face as he loved her. Everything that was in his heart was there for her to see and it humbled her that it was only for her. Almost as if he knew what she was thinking he looked up at her and smiled.

“And to make up for everything,” Spike seductively whispered as he placed a hand on her side before letting it wander leisurely down her body until he cupped the curve of her bottom. “Maybe a trip to where no man has gone before would be in order.”

“And still no man will go.” Buffy laughed up at him as she pushed his hand away from her. At first he pouted before he changed tactics.

“I promise you’ll enjoy it.” He told her seductively as he began to nuzzle her neck. “Just say yes.”

Her hands tangled in his hair as he licked and nipped at her throat.

“The only time you’ll get a yes is when I am old and senile and don’t know what I am agreeing to.” She told him breathlessly.

He laughed into the curve of her shoulder.

“That will be great. By then I won’t be able to find what I am looking for. I’ll get lost trying to move the yards of wrinkles that hang down to your knees.”

“Thanks a lot Mister I’ll Always Be Beautiful.” Buffy joked as she shoved at his chest. If he kept playing she wouldn’t have the strength to resist him long enough to get through the rest of the time allotted for the pillow.

He took the hint and crawled off her but he didn’t go far as he came to lie beside her. Her hand searched for his until they were clasped together and she brought them to rest on her stomach as they lay contentedly next to each other.

A bittersweet feeling filled her heart as she realized that it was possibly over for them having a child. If she didn’t get pregnant during this cycle it may never happen. A part of her heart closed itself off as she feared the wait over the next two weeks. If she didn’t harden a part of herself the wait might drive her crazy.

“Spike?” She called to him softly afraid to break the silence between them.

“Hmmm, Love?” Spike had been almost asleep enjoying the sated feeling of his body. It hadn’t felt this good in a long time between them. After considering the words of his friends he had taken their advice, focusing his attention on Buffy in the last week to break the tension and she had responded accordingly, relaxing under his care and giving more back to him.

He turned back onto his side so that he was facing her again and stared into eyes that were dark with emotions as she studied him.

“Is everything okay? Are we okay?” Buffy asked him in a need to reaffirm their commitment to each other. During the past week under his thoughtfulness she hadn’t doubted them at all but once they moved from this bed things would change again. The agreement was over taking with it all the rules they had lived with for a half a year. They couldn’t go back to the way they were before because they weren’t the same people. This time had changed who they were and they would have to find a new way of going forward.

Spike twirled a lock of her hair before he answered her.

“I love you, Buffy. You know that. Things have been rough lately but it will be okay. There are things we need to talk about but later. After we know where we stand.” He tried to give her the reassurance she needed the best way he could. The conversation he had with Giles had started him thinking about their future but he wanted to wait to make decisions until he knew if she was pregnant or not. The answer they got in two weeks would pretty much determine which way they went. But no matter what happened he knew his future was with her.

“I don’t know what I would do without you.” Her voice was filled with desperation at the fear of losing him. Spike had become so much a part of her that she didn’t think she could remember how to walk if he wasn’t there.

“You won’t ever have to find out.” He declared before he kissed her softly but it quickly deepened as they both needed reassurance from the other.

“Hey, is anybody home?”

They pulled apart as they recognized Clem’s voice calling to them from downstairs. Buffy rolled her eyes at the interruption as Spike yelled out to him that they would be downstairs in a moment. Spike sat up to look for his discarded clothes. The only thing he could find was his jeans which he pulled on but gave up on his shirt and grabbed a clean one from the drawer pulling it over his head as he walked to the door.

“You going to come downstairs?” He turned to ask Buffy before he left the room.

“Yeah, I’ll be down as soon as I am done here,” She answered after a quick glance at the clock before adding hopefully as her stomach growled, “Maybe he brought food.”

As soon as the appointed thirty minutes was over Buffy hurriedly threw on some jeans and Spike’s discarded t-shirt that she had found. As she started down the stairs, she pulled her hair up into a pony tail and followed the sound of voices into the living room. The two friends sat cross legged on the floor playing a game on Spike’s new PS3. She noticed happily that there were plates of food sitting beside them on the floor.

“Hi, Clem.” Buffy said as she walked into the room heading for the demon with an appreciative air.

“Hey.” Clem called over his shoulder without taking his eyes of the action on the screen. “There are wings, pizza and one of those Greek salads you like in the kitchen.”

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Buffy laughingly told her friend as she hugged him from the back. She planted a noisy kiss on his cheek before turning to head into the kitchen.

“Can you still not satisfy her, man? Cause she is coming on to me again.”

Spike waited until he gotten through the door for the next level before he responded.

“I told you to go for it if you think you can take her from me.” He deadpanned before taking a bite from a slice of pizza. It had become a joke between them over the years as Clem had become almost a member of their house. He still lived in Spike’s old crypt with an open invitation to come to the house whenever he wanted. The wall that had previously been torn down to create an entrance from the crypt to the basement of the house had been made into an actual doorway.

“Thanks and I love you too.” Buffy called out from the direction of the kitchen making the two men laugh.

Soon she wandered back into the living room taking a seat on the couch. A plate of pizza was put on the couch next to her while she started to devour her salad. Earlier she had been too nervous too eat as she had waited for Spike to make love to her. There was almost a feeling of relief that it was over so they could get back in touch with themselves and each other.

“I get to play the winner.” She announced between bites of her food.

Clem and Spike both turned to look at her before returning to their game. Buffy was notorious for not having any coordination when it came to playing the games. She was great when she was fighting but the games she couldn’t handle.

“Gotcha.” She told them letting them know that she was joking with them. It was good just to relax with Spike and Clem. It would be hard but she decided then that she wouldn’t let the next two weeks be a time of frustrated waiting. She couldn’t control the outcome so the only thing she could do was let time reveal itself. Until then she was going to concentrate on Spike and their relationship.

June 13, 2007 11:20PM

The vampire grabbed Buffy’s hair flinging her with it over a tombstone. She fell on her side on top of the cold marble before sliding off into the grass. The vampire kicked out toward her while she rolled away from it. Buffy was quickly on her feet as she sparred with the demon intent on making her night miserable. He deflected her arm when she tried to stake him then punched her with his other arm.

Buffy doubled over as he struck her. Now, she was angry. She came back up surprising him and soon his dust was falling to the ground. As she started to walk back toward the house a sudden pain ripped through her lower abdomen and her hand came to rest on the source.

“No.” She uttered as the pain became a familiar cramp. Her mind refused to accept the inevitable as she hurried toward home and by the time she came through the back door there no denying it. She could feel the warm stickiness of blood pooling between her legs as the cramps continued.

Her mind registered the still closed door of Spike’s study as she bounded up the steps. The first thing she did was call Kate telling her hysterically what had happened in the cemetery. It had to be her fault for patrolling. If she had stayed at home it might not have happened. The guilt was overwhelming her even though Kate assured her that it was just her period starting and not a miscarriage. The logical side of Buffy knew that she was right but the emotional side needed an excuse for not being pregnant.

Finally calming a little she bid Kate goodbye and headed for the bathroom. All she wanted to do was scream until there was nothing left inside of her that hurt. She climbed into the hot shower automatically going through the motions of washing and as the last of the shampoo was rinsed from her hair she leaned against the wall letting the tears come again.

Then Spike was there with his hands turning her into the comfort of his body. Her arms wrapped around him while she buried her face against his chest and as her sobs became louder he held her tighter.

“I’m sorry, Buffy. I’m so sorry.” Spike whispered to her, at a lost as how to help her. The first thought was to tell her that they would keep trying but he knew they needed some time before that happened. Their relationship needed to be strengthened so that the next time they wouldn’t hurt each other as much.

He slowly sat in the tub with Buffy cradled between his legs. His hands smoothed her hair back from her face as the water continued to spray down on them unnoticed. Time seemed to still as they were cocooned in the smallness of the shower. His hands gently stroked her back as she let her hurt and disappointment out.

When her tears had slowed to sniffles against him Spike stood bringing her up with him grabbing a towel to dry her off. Buffy stood still as the towel was rubbed against her skin. It didn’t seem to matter what happened anymore. She turned around when Spike told her to so he could dry her hair. Finally he left her there so he could get her some pajamas and when he returned he helped her dress in them as she moved the way he asked her to.

Spike was scared as she seemed to be lost to him and unwanted memories of times when she couldn’t cope flickered through his mind. That time when Dawn had been snatched by Glory and when Giles had adopted her. Times that Buffy in order to cope with her overwhelmed emotions had become catatonic or self destructive.

Once she was dried off and dressed in her pajamas he led her to their bedroom kissing her gently as he got her to lie under the covers.

“I’m going to go get you something to drink.” He told her softly brushing her hair back before he left.

When he reached the kitchen he snatched a bottle of Jack Daniels. Although he didn’t like her to drink too much when she was upset tonight seemed like a good night for exceptions. A large dollop of the alcohol was added to a cola for her.

A sound upstairs made Spike look upwards at the ceiling. Buffy was pacing making the floorboards squeak. He finished mixing the drink and hurried back upstairs.

He stopped in the door to watch her move from one end of the room to the other. She was talking to herself as the tears fell down her face again. She stopped her pacing as soon as she saw him standing there. Spike moved into the room so that he was standing across the bed from her.

“Come on, Love, let’s get back into bed.” He coaxed her as she eyed him warily.

Buffy threw her arms up in the air as she looked at him.

“I don’t understand. What did I do wrong? Did the gods just bestow misery on me when I was born?” She was bordering on hysteria as her ramblings became more incoherent. “Haven’t I done enough to deserve a little happiness? I mean is there some reason why I’m not good enough to be a mother?”

“Buffy, calm down and we can talk. Okay?” Spike said trying to break through her ranting.

But she ignored him.

“And is there some reason that you’re not good enough to be a father? What’s wrong with you? Angel is a father.” As soon the rambling left her mouth she knew she had said the wrong thing. She didn’t need to see Spike stiffen to know she had hurt him. “Spike, I’m sorry. That came out wrong.”

His eyes echoed the hurt her words had given him and he watched as Buffy knelt on the bed crawling toward him.

“No, it didn’t. Actually, pet, it is crystal clear now.” He said enunciating each word carefully. He stepped back away from her outstretched hand. “No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I love you, I will always be second in your heart.”

“No, Spike, that’s not true.” Buffy reached for him again as the tears filled his eyes.

“Yes, it is. Buffy. We both know it is. That is the something that has always been between us. Him. Angel.” Spike practically spat out his name in his hurt. “I will never be good enough. I accept that now.”

He reached a hand out to cup her face. His thumb stroked the tears from her eyes.

“I love you.” Buffy told him as her hands wrapped around his arm.

“I know you do. But I think you were right from the beginning though.”

“About what?” She asked in confusion not understanding where he was going with this.

“Love just isn’t enough.”

Then he carefully put the drink on the nightstand and turned to walk out the door away from her.

TBC

Chapter 7 - The Distance of the Heart

June 14, 2007 1:15 AM

“Damn you and all your insecurities.” Buffy screamed at Spike’s retreating back while throwing pillows uselessly toward him as he continued to walk away. Once she realized that he wasn’t going to turn around her screams quieted to a hoarse cry of, “I need you. I need you.” She bent over in the bed burying her face in the covers letting them absorb the tears that seemed to never end.

The last few weeks seemed to be almost a dream as the pain threatened to engulf her. This night had brought her brief fog of happiness to an abrupt end. First her dreams of a baby had shattered when her period had started and then Spike misunderstanding her words about Angel. It was almost like he was looking for a reason to be angry because she couldn’t see how the words could have hurt him that much. The two vampires had become uneasy friends over the years not having much choice as they were members of the same makeshift family. There was no reason for any jealousy to remain seeing that Angel and Cordy had married almost three years ago and Buffy was living with Spike.

Buffy hadn’t felt this lonely in years as she cried into their bed. Usually if she needed comfort and he wasn’t around she could find a marginal substitute by crawling into their bed. By burrowing into the comforter with her arms wrapped around his pillow she could surround herself with his scent thus being able to pretend that he was there. That he was taking care of her. But tonight even that small pittance of reassurance was unavailable to her. The only thing that would make her feel better was him holding her. To tell her that he loved her and that they and everything else was alright.

Finally the storm she was lost in began to abate as she seemed to run out of tears. Her grief slowly transformed into anger, an intense white flame burning in her as she thought of what he had said and done. After five years of living together for Spike to even think that he wasn’t first in her heart was ludicrous. She had lived with him and loved him never asking for proof of their relationship. She accepted them as they were even while everyone around them had gotten married. Even Angel had done the ceremony, albeit it was at Cordelia’s insistence, and Buffy, sure as hell had never brought that up to Spike in an attempt to change their situation.

The anger motivated her to crawl out of the bed to look for him. Buffy was intent on finding out was really bothering him and to set things right between them. Two weeks ago he had told her they needed to talk but had wanted to wait to see if she was pregnant or not, well now they knew, and it was time to talk. She was tired of this constant turmoil between them. Although she had to admit that when they were first living together the fighting was almost a game. A game that had its own set of rules which always led to passionate making up but it wasn’t that way anymore. They had both learned over the years too many secrets and too many ways to hurt each other. The fighting was now a mine field that one wrong word could lead to hurts that were difficult to heal.

As Buffy came down the stairs she spotted him sitting on the living room couch. She sighed as she looked at him with his face buried in his hands. The anger she had been feeling dissipated when she saw his shoulders shake with his own grief. As it was with him, Spike didn’t know how to cope with his extreme emotions, and had turned to lashing out at her as a way to deal. Even though he had never said, Buffy knew that he had hoped that they would have a family of their own. The failure of their efforts had hit both of them but it was different for him because it was his body that had refused to give the life force they needed. The demon that was a part of him left him in doubt of his ability to be a good father which only intensified his hurt and previous feelings of ineptitude, solidifying his beliefs that there was something wrong with him.

The only light in the room was from the floodlights that stood as sentries around their property but they cast enough light into the room so that she could see where she was going. So, Buffy didn’t bother to turn on any lights as she made her way toward Spike, who once sensing she was near, had wiped the tears from his face. Despite that precaution, Spike immediately covered his face again as if he thought that not looking at her would make her disappear.

“Spike,” Buffy spoke softly uneasy about pushing him. It wasn’t a fight that she was looking for but an honest talk and she wasn’t sure how to start the conversation. There were so many things they needed to talk about but first she needed his attention.

When he didn’t respond, she called out to him a little louder than before. When he still refused to speak to her, she shook his shoulder slightly as the anger began to build again. If he would just acknowledge that she was there then she would let him decide how to proceed, but his unresponsiveness was leaving Buffy frustrated.

“Leave me alone.” He finally said through his fingers. He felt the anger coming from her but still refused to look at her. The loss of a child that was never meant to be had finally registered with him when she had inadvertently compared him to his grand sire. It felt like everything he had been refusing to acknowledge in himself had been thrown into the light as soon as she had said Angel’s name. It wasn’t really Angel or Buffy’s previous relationship with him that was tearing him apart. It was his own sense of self that was hurting him.

He had spent the last five years categorizing who he was only to find out they were all dependent on each other. He, Buffy and the others spoke of him as if he was divided into William, Spike and the demon, some sort of freakish split personality. But it wasn’t that way. They were all one being unable to survive without the influence of the other. The past six months had served to give him constant reminders that the vampire was an indelible part of him and not a separate entity that could be hidden away. It was this knowledge and the continuous battle to control that side of him that was wearing Spike down enough to give into the temptation of who and what he really was; an evil creature of the night.

“Please talk to me.” Buffy beseeched him trying to remain calm as she knelt in front of him. Her hands wrapped around his wrists as she tried to pull them away so she could see his face. His eyes would tell her what she wanted…needed to know. Only then, after gauging his hurt, would she be able to approach him.

Spike allowed his hands to be pulled away and hoped that she could handle the confusion that warred in him. Maybe if he could tell her everything there was a chance she would understand and it wouldn’t be so hard to fight anymore for what he really wanted: the persona he had created and worn since he had returned to Sunnydale. But it seemed that the fates had other things on their mind that night instead of a vampire and his Slayer in need of heavenly intervention.

At first relief flooded Buffy as Spike’s hands came away from his face. But that relief was short lived when she saw the look in his eyes. The coldness reflected in his brilliant blue orbs reminded Buffy of their first confrontations as mortal enemies and a curl of fear settled in the pit of her belly. The warmth of the man that she loved was nowhere to be seen causing her to drop her hands and back away from him.

“Please don’t do this to me…to us. It wasn’t said the way you took it. You know I love you.” Her words pleaded with him as she misunderstood the reason for his lack of emotion. It was almost as if he had taken a switch and turned off a part of him.

Contrary to Spike’s lack of emotion a multitude of emotions passed through Buffy simultaneously: fear, compassion, anger and most of all love. If there was some way she could make him realize that he was always first then maybe he would be able to fight through the grief and whatever else was taking him away from her.

Spike stood so they could stand on the same level. A part of him screamed to just tell her what was going on within him, that she loved him enough to fight the demon with him. Another part however, whispered to him to remember the last time they had lived with the demon; to remember the night that he had almost destroyed her in a fit of torment, pain and rage. The night that had forced him to see who he really was for the first time and to seek out his soul to help keep the demon locked away. The pact still remained between them, the promise he had forced her to make, that if the demon was ever in control again that she would destroy him.

The whisper choked out the scream and Spike chose not to let her in on his struggle, leaving him with only anger to keep her safe from him. He didn’t realize that in choosing this way to keep her at a distance, he would deprive Buffy of his humanity that she needed to feel safe.

“I’m not doing anything to you or to us. I’ve just realized that maybe I have been living in a dream. A dream where you could truly love me as I love you,” he stated flatly.

“Where have I been for the past five years? I’ve been with you. Only you. You are who I love.” Buffy told him emphatically, praying that he would listen to her.

“Only because he won’t have you.” Spike replied to her yet hating the words that were meant to hurt.

“No, I’m here because I love you. You are the one I want to spend my life with.” Buffy moved closer to him. If she could touch him than maybe the love she had for him could be communicated. But he only stepped back at her advance.

Spike turned towards the hallway as if he was trying to get away from her. If he stayed to listen to her pleas then he might let his walls down and that was something that he didn’t want to do until he knew he could defeat the part of him that would destroy everything they had. In a perverse way he knew that she wouldn’t leave him, no matter how bad it got, because they were too entwined together. All he needed was time to deal with it then once he was free he would be able to give her all that she wanted. And if in the end he lost to the darkness he would rather her hate him, giving her the fighting edge, than be shattered by his lack of strength.

“Stop, don’t walk away from me. We need to talk. Seriously talk.” Her voice was rising with her emotion. If he walked away from this then she would follow him. Continue to follow him until he finally listened to her. Spike stopped then slowly turned to face her again.

“When have ever really talked? Buffy, we live together, we shag, and we put on this great front as a couple but underneath we know the truth. That if he walked through that door asking you to go away with him than you would go. Wouldn’t you?” Spike’s spoke coldly as he tried to push her emotionally away from him.

“You bastard, how could you even say that?” She cried to him not understanding where the man of just yesterday had gone. The more that she hurt the more she needed him and it seemed the further he slipped from her. She took a step closer to him without thought only following a need to be close to what would soothe her. Now that she knew that it would always be just the two of them she found herself willing to do whatever to hold onto him, even if it meant losing her pride.

As she reached out to him Spike’s hand was suddenly covering her mouth while his other hand reached out to grab her arm. It took only one pull until she was flush against the body that only a moment ago she was craving but now she struggled to free herself from. It was an automatic response to the way that he had suddenly grabbed her.

“Damn it, woman, hold still. A car with no lights just came up the drive.” Spike whispered into her ear. She stopped her struggles as soon as his words penetrated through her anger and her eyes automatically went up to meet his as she waited for him to take the lead. In that instant, their fight and internal struggles were all forgotten, as they became just a man and a woman in possible danger, ready to defend what was theirs. Once their eyes made contact and he was assured that she was going to follow his lead he dropped his hands from her. Taking charge he started to move toward the window, Buffy right behind him with a finger through one of his belt loops to keep him close. His left arm was protectively behind him as if creating a wall of safety for Buffy who walked on her tip toes in order to peek over his shoulder.

After moving the curtain aside and being certain that whoever was out there was not in the front or side of the house, Spike headed for the kitchen. As he passed their fireplace he grabbed the solid brass poker then continued toward the rear of the house. Buffy matched her strides to his so that she could keep up. They hesitated at the doorway so that Spike could quickly look into the room to make sure that someone hadn’t magically teleported in there.

“I’m going to head straight for the refrigerator for a barrier, okay?” He whispered to her so that she would move quickly. Their kitchen had windows all along the wall facing their backyard which would make them an easy target if they stood exposed in front of them.

Buffy nodded her head to let him know that she understood then when he said, “Now”, she took off running behind him until the appliance was at their backs. Spike peeked around the side so that he could look at onto the yard. As soon as his back was to her, she leaned her face into the coolness of it making him stiffen for a moment. There was nothing on that side of the yard for him to see so he turned causing Buffy to back into the handles of the refrigerator.

“Sorry, love.” Spike said while his hand went to her waist to reassure himself that she was okay. Her eyes came up to meet his filling him with a guilt that tore at him as he saw the emotional hurt still lingering in their depths. For a moment he leaned his forehead against hers as his fingers gently kneaded at her side.

Buffy, at first, was unsure how to handle his gentleness but needing it like the air she breathed finally moved to take his lips on her own. At first there was no response only their lips resting against each other but he slowly started to caress hers with his own. They created a soft friction that slowly ignited a smoldering ember. His tongue moved to separate her lips as she moaned against him and as he leaned into her to take this another step, the creaking of a board on their porch pulled them apart. In their need for the other the possible danger had been forgotten.

Reluctantly Spike moved away from her to the other side of the refrigerator which was his original destination before being distracted. When he leaned around the side he saw a small sedan pulled almost up to their back steps.

“Damn it, the grass was just growing the right way.” He muttered to himself as he crouched to hide behind the counter. The back door was only a few feet away but waddling made it a slightly longer journey. As he reached the protection of the higher cabinets and a solid wall he stood but motioned Buffy to continue to crawl to the other side of the door. Once she had passed by the door she stood as she was also hidden behind cabinets. Then he tossed her a meat cleaver from the drawer so that she was armed.

“When I count to three open the door.” Spike whispered to her as he raised the fire poker across his shoulder as if it was a baseball bat. Buffy nodded her head while reaching for the door handle with one hand and the cleaver raised in her other hand.

“One, two, Now.” Spike said mixing up the signal causing Buffy to open the door with a grin on her face.

“Aaaaah.” The woman standing poised to knock gave a small scream as she saw the man about to attack her. Then as recognition dawned on both of them, Spike threw his weapon to the floor as the woman launched herself at him. Laughing he caught her and pulled her into an embrace rocking them back and forth as they hugged each other.

Finally he put her back down so her feet were on the floor again.

“Donna, how the hell are you?” Spike gushed as he stared at the woman who had helped him on his to journey to regain his soul and, along the way, had developed a personal interest in him. An interest that had once been pursued but never fulfilled. His hands still rested on her waist as he welcomed her.

She laughed up at him as Buffy glowered at the two of them. How dare he welcome this woman into their home and hold her in his arms? Buffy found herself filled with jealousy as she watched Spike with the only human woman besides her he had shown any serious interest in. Dawn had filled her in on their date and the open invitation Donna had left him with.

“Excuse me but what the hell is going on?” Buffy said interrupting their still lingering hug. Her arms crossed around her middle as her jealousy turned to fury. If this woman didn’t let go of Spike soon then she would find herself on her backside out in the middle of the cemetery.

Donna had the good grace to step away from Spike looking from Buffy to Spike then back to Buffy.

“Hi, you must be Buffy. I’m Donna, an old friend of Spike’s.” Donna introduced herself putting her hand out for it to be shaken which Buffy blatantly ignored.

“I know who you are. What I don’t know is why the hell you’re here?”

Buffy moved forward to position herself between Spike and the object of his current good mood. He smiled as Buffy defended her territory. It sent a thrill through him to know that she was willing to fight for him but it also bothered him that she didn’t trust him and she was being impolite to someone who had once helped him.

“She is as feisty as you said she was.” Donna smiled over Buffy’s shoulder at Spike as if they had a secret that didn’t include Buffy. Then she stepped back until she leaned against the counter. “I’m here because I need a favor from both of you.”

“I don’t think so. Actually I think you need to leave.” Buffy rudely told her. There was absolutely no way she was going to let Spike do anything for her. It never occurred to her that she was acting as irrationally as Spike had done earlier about Angel. This woman had only briefly been in Spike’s life when they had been apart. And from what Dawn had told her nothing had happened between them that would justify this jealous tirade.

“I think we need to hear her out. I know that Donna wouldn’t just show up in the middle of the night without a good reason.” He placed a hand on Buffy’s shoulder squeezing it slightly to indicate that they needed to give Donna a chance.

Buffy shook his hand off of her shoulder.

“I don’t care. We have something else that we need to deal with.” Buffy told him as she glared at him over her shoulder. His eager acceptance of this woman at their back door asking for a favor was only fueling her anger. Before her arrival she had been practically begging him to just talk to her only to be refused. Now, all Donna had to do was show up and he reverted back to being in a generous mood. If anyone was to be the recipient of his kindness it should be her.

“Buffy, back off, I owe Donna a huge favor and we will hear her out.” Spike commanded as he put his hand on her shoulder again. “Let’s all go sit at the table.”

At his words Buffy stiffened up as he embarrassed her in front of this woman. The fact that Donna realized her predicament shown by a sympathetic smile behind Spike’s back only hurt her more. As they moved to the table there were footsteps on the back porch again. They all turned to look to see who was there. When Spike and Buffy saw the three figures standing in their doorway they turned to each other in confusion then turned back to face the new visitors.

A large man stood there holding a boy of about five and standing next to them was a girl of about fourteen. The two children stared openly at the new people in their lives.

“I’m sorry, Miss Donna, but he said he had to go to the bathroom and couldn’t wait.” The man spoke.

“Its okay, Max, come in.” Donna replied gesturing them into the house. This time once they were in she closed the door behind them. “Raven, why don’t you take him? It’s down that hall on the right.”

The girl nodded and took the boy from Max’s arms and set him on the floor. Then taking him by the hand she led in the direction Donna had indicated.

Once the bathroom door had closed behind them Donna turned to Buffy and Spike.

“Max, this is Buffy and Spike. Guys, this is Max, he works with me.” The three being introduced quickly shook hands and made the appropriate comments to the other. After they were done they turned to look at Donna again. “I was going to explain things to you before you met the children but it looks like things never go according to plan. Spike,” she smiled briefly as she met his eyes before turning to Buffy, “Buffy, I came here to ask you to adopt them.”

TBC

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