Chapter 13 – Suburban Weekends

June 17, 2007 2:45 PM

It was the second day after Buffy had told him to leave but where was he to go? The freedom he wanted was his for the taking but there was no one place that called to him. Last night he had finally found the courage to call Donna using the pretext of Raven’s nightmares as an excuse. Donna had seen through his deception as they talked though she let him take the lead. Spike couldn’t find the courage or the willingness to say the words, ‘I want to see you’, and had ended the call rather quickly. Her laughter at his discomfort had taken him back to his human days again and his frustration had grown. Before they hung up though she had told him that The Guardians were sending her to Japan at the end of the week and after that she would be ‘unavailable’. For the second time in as many days, he had been given a time frame by a woman and both expected him to decide a lifetime in only a few days.

The sound of a car door opening and laughter drew him to the living room window. It was Buffy returning from her outing with the children. He had still been sleeping when she came to tell him they were going to do some shopping. Then she had looked the other way when she had told him that Xander and his family and Dawn and Josh would be coming over for dinner. She felt that it was time for everyone to start meeting the children and if they wouldn’t be together then it would be a good idea for Xander and Anya to have a chance to meet Raven and Elijah before she asked the couple to adopt them.

As she was walking out the door Buffy had turned back to look at him.

“Please be there.”

One eyebrow rose and a smirk had crossed his face at her request. He had assumed that she was too embarrassed to tell everyone of their potential breakup.

“They know about us. I am asking for Raven and Eli. They don’t need to know anything yet.”

It felt like someone had punched him in the gut at the thought of everyone else knowing what he had done to her. They accepted him on his own as a part of them but now after this he didn’t know what they would do. He knew Dawn would be beyond livid with him and that she felt a sense of responsibility for him and Buffy being together and had been his staunchest ally in his pursuit of her sister.

Buffy’s sigh showed her impatience of waiting for him to reply so that she could leave.

“I’ll be there.”

A quick nod and she was gone. He had lain there as he listened to them get ready to leave, the closing of the door, then the car doors and finally the Desoto backing out of the driveway.

“We are going to need a new car now.” Spike thought out of concern for them before he remembered that they weren’t his concern if he didn’t want them to be.

He had roamed the house aimlessly while they were gone telling himself that he really couldn’t go anywhere until nightfall anyway. Then to placate himself he made a promise to himself to go somewhere tonight after the dinner and the kids were asleep. The slight niggling of missing them was repressed. They were what he wanted to be free from so there was no way that he felt lonely without them in the house.

But now they were home and he moved to open the front door for them as they brought packages in from the car. As Buffy moved into the house he reached for some bags to help her but she pulled away from him and muttered that it wasn’t his responsibility anymore. His hands fell uselessly to his sides as he turned to head for his study. Rejected and alone he told himself he didn’t need her.

“Spike, hey, are you busy?” Raven asked as he moved away.

“No, why?” He asked almost hurriedly.

“Buffy let me get a new PlayStation game and I thought we could play.”

“Okay, princess. Finish helping Buffy and I’ll wait in the living room.”

“Thanks.” Raven turned to hurry back to help unloading the groceries and the other things they had bought so she could get to the fun stuff.

Spike changed his direction for the living room trying to ignore the feeling of contentment he felt now that the house was full again. He sat on the couch reaching for the remotes to turn everything on when Buffy came into the room walking toward him.

“Here on the receipts for what I bought. If you want, keep a total and I’ll pay you back later. I already have Tara setting up a new class schedule for me.” Buffy wasn’t really sure what the rules were at this point. She had expected him to take off on Friday but he was still here although they were keeping distance between them.

The remote control was tossed back down on the table as Spike exploded at her words. He stood to look down at her about to shout before hearing Elijah in the next room his words came out as a harsh whisper.

“Bloody hell, Buffy, I don’t expect you to pay me back. As long as you are living here I told you I would take care of you.” The irony of his words was lost on him as he felt only irritation at her attempt at independence.

“And I told you that you were free from any responsibilities concerning me because you wanted it that way. So, I’ll pay you back.”

Buffy dropped the receipts on the table before heading back to the kitchen. He had to get out of here he told himself as he sat on the couch leaning his head on the back of it. A strong shot of whiskey, a few good games of poker with some unsavory blokes and a pretty bar maid to wait on him was what he needed. A trip to the Edge was defiantely his destination after his family duties tonight.

“Are we still going to play?” Raven asked hesitantly, noticing Spike’s foul mood and not wanting him to get mad at her.

“Yeah, we are. Sorry I was just thinking bout something.”

They spent the next couple of hours playing her new game. He rarely had to help her out as she moved through the game with a tenacity of a bull dog. Spike listened to the sounds of Buffy starting to prepare dinner in the background. Her voice was gentle as she kept Elijah busy at the same time. Spike’s irritation had grown reminding him of why he didn’t want to be here anymore. His eyes occasionally drifted toward the clock hoping that time would suddenly fly so he could leave.

“Hey, Spike, Buffy, you home?” Clem called as he came up the hallway toward the living room. After he had caught the couple in a compromising position once or twice he started announcing his arrival as soon as he came through the basement door.

Smiling as he heard the sound coming from the PlayStation he hurried down the hall but as he rounded the corner he froze as he saw Spike sitting on the floor next to a girl he had never seen before.

“Uh, am I interrupting something?” Clem looked around wondering where Buffy was and why she had left Spike with some other girl.

Spike turned to look at him relieved that he had a friend around. A demon friend.

“No, mate, come on in. I want you to meet Raven.” He gestured Clem to enter with one hand while he put one hand on the girl’s shoulder so she would turn around to meet his friend.

Raven paused the game shifting to her knees so she could look around. Her eyes opened wide and her mouth dropped as she saw a demon come to sit on the couch behind them. The Slayer allowed demons in her house? Surprised she turned to look at Spike as he grinned at her.

“Raven, I want you to meet Clem. He’s a friend of mine and Buffy’s. He lives in my old crypt in the cemetery. It’s connected to the house so he’s around here a lot.” Then he turned to Clem eagerly anticipating the shock Clem was going to receive. “Clem, I’d like you meet Raven. Buffy and I are planning on adopting her and her brother, Elijah.”

Clem gave Spike the reaction that he was looking for as his mouth opened just like Raven’s had a moment ago.

“Wow, hibernate for a couple of days and everything changes.” Clem smiled at the girl relieved that the situation wasn’t what he had been expecting, namely, that his friend had been having an affair but once the girl had turned around he knew that wasn’t what was going on as he saw how young she was.

Before anymore could be said between them the front door banged open.

“Buffy, we’re here.” Dawn called out purposely not saying anything to Spike. When Buffy had called her crying this morning Dawn had been more than ready to stake a certain vampire. Okay, maybe not stake him because that would hurt Buffy even more but a definite beating would be in order.

Buffy came out of the kitchen wiping her hands on a dish towel stopping as she saw not only Dawn and Josh but everyone in the family come traipsing through their front door. What was supposed to be a small gathering had become a family reunion rivaling Christmas dinner. Her gaze turned to Spike and they looked at each other for a moment before Buffy shrugged her shoulders trying to convey that this wasn’t her idea.

Willow came over to Buffy holding a covered dish in her hands.

“We know we weren’t all invited but word got out that you were ready to introduce the children and the…and well, we couldn’t resist seeing how things were going.” Willow handed the dish to the astonished Buffy. “But we all brought some extra food since you weren’t expecting us.”

The family pushed into the living room hugging Buffy and greeting Clem. Mostly Spike was ignored except for looks, some of curiosity and some of anger, and he once again felt like the outsider he had been years ago.

Raven and Elijah were introduced to everyone as they stood close together. Elijah’s thumb was back in his mouth and his arm was again wrapped around Raven’s leg. They were wide eyed as they took in these people who were going to be their family. These people were loud and noisy and affectionate as they were greeted by everyone and welcomed into their midst.

Aidan and Elijah took an instant liking to each other and took off for to play in Elijah’s room. As they hurried off Elijah was busy describing the new toys that Buffy had gotten him that day. Raven wished there was someone closer to her age in this crowd of people but Dawn stuck by her and then dragged her off to help unload her car. The older girl started to ask a million questions that the ‘adults’ wouldn’t think to ask being no longer hip to current trends.

“Hi, Spike. Are you doing all right?” Tara asked with a hand on his arm breaking him from his thoughts. “You look kind of out of it.”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” He smiled down at the blond witch grateful knowing that if anyone in this family would still be nice to him it would be her. Reaching over he took Jacob from her arms. “Hey, buddy, miss me?”

The now 13 month old smiled shyly and nodded his head at his Uncle Spike. His sweet agreement was rewarded with an overhead swing and laughter from the man holding him.

“Me next.” Little Jessica pulled on Spike’s pants legs not wanting to be left out of the games. Spike ended up sitting on the floor so that both children could play with him. Their nonsensical babble and talk was taken seriously as the cuddles and kisses went both ways.

The family settled around the living room and kitchen talking and laughing. The afternoon continued as they all relaxed with one another. Finally Spike was included in the conversations as they become more comfortable around him again. It didn’t hurt the situation that Buffy wasn’t acting any differently around him with the exception that they weren’t affectionate like they normally were. He didn’t seem to be any different than he was at any other time. It was like he was still apart of them and not someone who wanted to leave it all behind.

It was after dinner and after he had given up on anyone giving him lectures that Dawn cornered him. He had headed toward his study for a break to check his email but as he passed the bathroom Dawn had caught up with him. She grabbed his arm and hauled him into the room swinging him until he caught his hip against the counter.

“Damn it, Dawn. What the soddin’ hell do you think you’re doing?” He bit out at her as he rubbed his hip.

She reached up to grab him by the front of his shirt and threw him back against the wall before coming to stand face to face with him.

“No, you son of a bitch, it’s what the hell do you think you are doing to my sister?” She spat.

“Come on, Dawn, give me a chance to explain.” He told her hoping she would let go of him. Even if he could fight back he wouldn’t. Not that he was afraid of someone else retaliating but because he loved her too much to hurt her.

“No, you don’t need to explain. I already know the answer. You are thinking with your damn dick instead of your heart and head. Buffy worships the ground you walk on and you are in heat for some slut.”

Dawn pulled him forward a little then slammed him back into the wall again. Then she let go of him turning to sit on the edge of the tub.

“I don’t understand it. Spike, you walked away from her five years ago, why now?” Her voice cracked as she stared in disbelief at the man she thought of as her brother and she couldn’t help feeling betrayed as well.

Spike sighed as he looked down at the floor. It was hard when someone constantly put you on a pedestal to try to live up to their expectations. He went to sit on the toilet next to her reaching out to take her hands in his.

“It’s been hard these past few months, Niblet. I just feel caged.” He stopped because he still didn’t understand everything he was feeling himself.

“Do you love her?”

“Donna? No.” He stared at Dawn in astonishment that she would even ask him that.

“No. Buffy. Do you still love my sister?”

“Of course I do. I’m always going to love her.”

Dawn searched his eyes looking to see if he was telling the truth. Once satisfied that he still did love Buffy she reached into her back pocket and pulled out a piece of paper holding it out to him. He took it from her unfolding it slowly and as he read the words his eyes opened in astonishment.

“These were being passed out in the quad yesterday. It seems like they are beginning to put feelers out for followers here.” Dawn said as Spike stared at her then back down at the flyer.

It was for a new club being formed at the University called ‘Celebrate Your Humanity’. The club was described as an organization for people who wanted to celebrate life and being human.

“Spike, listen to me for a minute with a clear head. We’ve been doing some research into these SoL people. Something isn’t adding up and although we don’t have any proof yet we have a pretty good idea of what’s going on.”

Dawn waited until she was sure that she had his undivided attention before proceeding.

“Don’t you think it’s kind of odd that this Donna woman has been holding a torch for you for five years even going as far as to keep tabs on you? I know you’re special but that special?”

“Hey, thanks, give a guy’s ego a good stroking.”

“The only person who needs to be giving you any kind of stroking is Buffy.” Dawn chuckled and then sobered again. “Then Donna shows up one day out of the blue with two kids for you and Buffy to adopt. Buffy said that she knew that if she didn’t agree to it that you would probably have married Donna for them. That’s a little weird for me.”

Spike turned his head removing his hands from hers as shame moved through him. Even he couldn’t fully explain the idiocy of such an idea. It was just such a strong vibe that moved through him that night that these children were his and he had to do whatever it took for that to happen.

“Spike, why didn’t they kill Raven when they had a chance to do it?”

“What do you mean?” Neither he nor Buffy had really read through the file yet and they hadn’t asked Raven any questions yet.

“Raven doesn’t have any powers unless she touches Elijah, right?” Dawn already knew that she was right because Buffy had filled her in on everything but she waited until after Spike nodded before she proceeded. “From the newspaper accounts of the murders, their parents were shot in their backyard, before they had a chance to fight back. Raven had hidden Eli in the attic when she saw the shooting from her bedroom but the police found her in her closet. Why didn’t they search the house and kill her then? She couldn’t have fought back. Why wait to follow her around the country for three months?”

“Maybe it’s because she was a kid.” But then he remembered that Donna had said that the SoLs had known that Raven had seen them and that’s why they wanted her dead. His eyes met Dawn’s as the questions started to organize in his mind. He stood and paced the small room but as he turned to go back Dawn was standing in his way.

“What happens when you are in battle and Buffy does this?” Dawn held her hand out behind her but before Spike could answer she continued, “And what does she want when she calls your name?”

“Help.”

“So, what would happen if you weren’t there? None of us can take your place beside her. We can try but we can’t do it.”

“What are you saying, Niblet?”

“I’m saying that Donna is conveniently nearby when these kid’s parents are murdered to take care of them. That for some reason Raven was spared at the scene but is now being followed. That when you and Buffy are having trouble in your relationship Donna mysteriously shows up on your doorstep with the one thing you and Buffy want. Kids. Then lets you know that she is still lusting for you. Have you talked to her since Friday?”

“Yeah, last night.” He ignored the angry look in Dawn’s eyes as he finished explaining. “She said the Guardians are sending her to Japan the end of this week.”

“So, if you go with her, you would be with her in Japan when the SoLs hold their first meeting in Sunnydale next week. The one place where people have a knowledge of the demons whether they admit it or not and are more likely to want to join them which would make their organization mainstream and make them stronger to branch out in other places.”

“But Donna works for the Guardians. They are the ones who are fighting for good Demons.”

“Donna left the Guardians two and half years ago and rejoined about 15 months ago which is about the time the Soldiers of Light appeared.” Dawn held his gaze letting the seriousness of the situation show in her eyes. “Spike, she is trying to separate you and Buffy.”

“Bloody Hell!” Spike said right before he slammed his fist through the bathroom wall. After extricating his hand from the wall he leaned forward with both hands on the undamaged part of the wall.

“We need to tell Buffy.” Spike looked over at Dawn watching him in concern. Never in his life did he feel as much of a fool as he did at this moment. And he knew as soon as he walked out of this bathroom the feeling would intensify as he faced his family.

“Giles is talking to her right now. Now, you may not like it but we have come up with a plan.”

Dawn then began to explain to Spike what they had come up with to find out exactly what was going on.

~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile across the house in the dining room Giles was having the same talk with Buffy. He had already explained to Buffy his suspicions of Donna’s possible involvement with the Soldiers of Light and was now finishing explaining the plan they had come up with.

”Buffy, as much as I hate to say it I think the best way to find out what is going on with her is for Spike to be with her. If she thinks that he is there of his own free will then she might slip up or he might be able to find something out.”

“No, Giles, I am not going to willingly send Spike to that woman.” Buffy told her former watcher vehemently. It was inconceivable that this was the plan her family had come up with; for Buffy to throw Spike out of the house and for him to turn to Donna.

“Buffy, we need to know and that’s the only way to get close enough to her.” Giles hated asking Buffy to do this with all the problems she and Spike were having but they couldn’t come up with anything else. Since Spike had told him of the children and how they had come to be with them he had his suspicions. He immediately had Willow and Dawn start doing research on these Soldiers of Light and on Donna. It was just too coincidental for him how it had all come about.

“What about the judge and Morgana? Are they legitimate?”

“Yes, they are. And the adoption would be legal too. As far as we can tell it’s just Donna working both sides.” Giles knew from Buffy’s question that she was worried that if the adoption went through it wouldn’t be legal and she would eventually lose the children that she was already considering hers.

“But why separate us? Why not just kill us?”

“We are assuming that since they are setting up camp here in town that they are going to try and out you as the Slayer. Then announce that you are a traitor to humans by being with Spike. They can use him as an example that you can’t trust a demon. They don’t have the morals that we do. That they don’t value family the way we do because he walked out on you and the children.” Giles tried to explain what his suspicions were concerning this group. They didn’t have a lot of facts but if Donna was working for them and had brought Raven and Elijah here then they had to have a reason for it. This was the only thing to him that made a whole lot of sense. To use the couple somehow as an example for what they felt was wrong.

Buffy stood crossing her arms as she stared out the window. It was like they had been set down in a surreal version of her life. To think that Donna was deliberately involved in something so horrible was disturbing. As much as Buffy disliked the woman, she had befriended Spike when he gone to get his soul and had helped him out as much as she could. It seemed inconceivable that she was now trying to destroy him.

“Giles, why Spike? Why would Donna do this if she’s now a Soldier? Spike would be everything she is against.” Buffy turned to look at the man she hoped would have all the answers she needed.

“I don’t know Buffy. I can only surmise that they have some plan for him once he would be with Donna. Something that would end…badly.” He didn’t want to tell Buffy that he felt that they would eventually destroy Spike in another attempt of proving that demons can’t be integrated with humans.

But Buffy knew without him saying what would happen to him. Tears gathered in her eyes and she didn’t try to fight them. They rolled down her cheeks as she thought of what might have happened to Spike if he had already gone to Donna.

As soon as Giles saw Buffy breaking down he rushed to her side pulling her into his arms. After all the couple had been through it wasn’t fair that they had to deal with this too. His hands gently rubbed her back as he waited out her tears.

Suddenly she pulled back wiping her tears harshly away. There didn’t seem to be any other way to find out what they were up to except to send Spike to the woman he wanted to leave her for.

“Let’s do this.”

Then she turned to leave the dining room to join her family again.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Dawn, I can’t do this. I can’t leave Buffy now.” Spike protested the plan adamantly. He had never walked away from Buffy before during a fight and was afraid that by going he would leave her vulnerable. After he had fully comprehended what Dawn had told him relief had swept through him that he didn’t have a decision to make anymore. It had been taken out of his hands. No matter what he wanted he would stay as long as Buffy and the children were in danger.

“There isn’t any other way, Spike. We have to know if Donna is involved and what they are up to.” Dawn told him emphatically. She hated this idea of sending Spike into the arms of a woman he had always wanted but she had to believe that his love for Buffy was stronger than any lust he could have.

Spike finally nodded knowing that she was right. There didn’t seem to be any other way to find out what Donna was up to. He was just afraid that whatever would happen would destroy his family forever.

Dawn led the way out into the living room. He followed her afraid of facing everyone with them knowing how weak he was. The first person he saw when he walked into the room was Buffy. Her eyes held the evidence of her tears and his heart hurt knowing that the pain wouldn’t be going anywhere any time soon.

“The house is free from bugs so no one is listening to us. Josh checked it out earlier with that infernal thing that sounds like a game something or other.” Giles commented to the couple facing off on opposite sides of the room. “But we think the house is being watched so the two of you will have to put on a show for them. Show them a fight with Buffy throwing Spike out at the end. And a little shouting would probably help too. The children are all sleeping in Elijah’s room and Tara has put a spell around it so they won’t hear anything.”

When he was done Giles lowered his head hating what he was doing to them. Then he heard something being thrown and looked up in surprise.

“Giles told me everything, you bastard. How could you do this to us? How? For a piece of ass?” Buffy screamed at Spike.

“Buffy, come on. If you weren’t so damn needy and clinging maybe I wouldn’t have to look elsewhere for some fun.”

Buffy whirled around and took off for the stairs with Spike on her heels. The others in the room looked at each other knowing that the words being shouted weren’t just a game between the two but emotions that had been simmering for a while. They listened as the two screamed at each other all the way up the stairs.

Slamming the bedroom door open Buffy headed for the dresser yanking out drawers and pulling out Spike’s clothes.

“Get your stuff together. I don’t want you here anymore.”

Spike reached into the closet grabbing a duffel bag and started to stuff some of the clothes Buffy was throwing on the floor into it.

“Buffy, don’t do this.” Spike whispered as his chest tightened in fear of really losing her. “I don’t want to leave like this.”

He stood trying to get the zipper done and didn’t see the fist aimed at his face. The blow made him stagger backwards. The next punch pushed him back into their closet with Buffy following him in. Spike raised his arms to ward her off not wanting to hit her back. She grabbed his arms and pulled them down then she was on him. Her lips desperately crashed into his with all the love in her heart. It took him only a second to pull her as close to him as he could. Their kiss was hard and needful conveying all their fears and loneliness for the other in it.

“Don’t you ever forget where you belong. I can give you all the space you need but I will never stop being yours.” Buffy whispered raggedly as she finally let him go.

His eyes widened as he looked at the woman before him like he had never seen her before. This woman was strong and determined unlike the Buffy he had been living with for the past few months. But there wasn’t time to figure things out as she walked away from him knowing that it was time for him to leave. He followed her out into the hallway clutching the bag in his hands as he headed for Elijah’s room.

Spike knelt beside the boy’s bed and gently shook him awake.

“Hey, Eli, I need to go away for a little while but I will be back soon. Okay?” He hugged the child taking a few more moments to reassure him that he would be back. When the child was settled again he returned to the hallway and found Raven waiting for him. She launched herself on him clutching him in a bear hug as she sobbed against him.

“Promise you’ll be back.”

“I promise. I’ll be back in a few days. Do me a favor?” He pushed Raven away from him for a moment.

“What?”

“Help Buffy. She is going to need it. Be a good girl while I’m gone. Please.” Then he pulled her back into his arms gently kissing her brow.

Raven couldn’t speak and only nodded her head against him. Spike began to move down the stairs still holding her while Buffy followed. At the bottom of the stairs waiting for them was Dawn.

“Everyone else is staying in the living room. Don’t want to make this too suspicious with all of us wishing you goodbye.” Dawn explained everyone’s absence in the foyer.

They stood there for a second then Dawn rushed to hug him on his free side.

“You better come back.”

“I promised till the end of the world and I meant it, Niblet.” Spike told her as he hugged her good bye.

Then with a nod to Buffy he released his girls and was ready for the final scene to their fight. Buffy kissed him quickly then grabbed his duffel bag and opened the front door.

“Get out. Get out of here now,” she screamed as she threw the bag out the door.

“Fine, I don’t want to be staying here with a bitch like you anyway.” He bellowed as he walked away from them. After grabbing his bag he strapped it to the back of the bike and soon roared away from them.

Buffy stood on the porch and watched him drive away feeling like she had just lost the best part of her. Then she collapsed onto the steps where Willow came to her wrapping her arms around her.

“Oh my God, what have I done? I can’t do this.” She sobbed into the arms of her best friend as her world fell apart.

TBC

Chapter 14 – Distance Between Us

June 18, 2007 12:22 AM

“Is she doing any better?” Giles asked as soon as Willow stepped into the living room. Buffy had disappeared upstairs almost two hours ago with Willow and Dawn behind her. Since that time the rest of them had been waiting.

“She’s bad. Like Angel leaving her bad.” Willow said.

“It’s worse than Angel leaving her bad because she didn’t puke her guts up for over an hour then.” Dawn added as she followed Willow into the room.

“Didn’t she do that when she was in Dallas? When she found about the shootings.” Anya asked.

“Well, it’s nice to know that Spike does bring out the best in our Buffster.” Xander quipped hoping to break some of the tension in the room. They had all been lost in guilt as they had listened to the sounds of Buffy crying and vomiting upstairs. Kate had been ready to leave to get a tranquilizer for her when Willow had come back downstairs.

“Where is she now?” Giles asked.

“She’s getting cleaned up then she will be down.” Dawn informed them.

“Did you all get a chance to mention the Max part of the plan?” Giles asked.

“What plan with Max?” Buffy slipped into the room still shaking from nerves with her arms crossed in front of her. Her eyes were swollen from crying appearing huge in her pale face.

Buffy spotted Kate nursing Benjamin and went to sit next to her needing the warmth of the scene. Curling up beside them she leaned her head on Kate’s shoulder as she absently played with the baby’s foot.

“What about Max?” Buffy asked again as the others only stared at her. It had turned out to be one of the worst nights of her life and if there was more she wanted to be told now.

Her family looked from one to the other trying to nonverbally decide who would tell Buffy her side of the plan. Finally Dawn sighed and walked over to her sister taking a seat on the table in front of the couch.

“Since Max was with Donna on this trip we need to know if he is involved too. And if he’s not then find out if he can help us at all.” She explained to Buffy hoping that this part of things wouldn’t send Buffy over the edge.

“Okay, so what’s the big deal and why wasn’t this brought up when Spike was still here?” She asked looking over Dawn’s shoulder to Giles.

He sighed knowing that he wasn’t going to escape responsibility for this.

“We want you to call him on the pretext of meeting him for a…rendezvous.” Giles said carefully pulling his glasses off in a flurry of trying not to see her response.

“Excuse me. You want me to what?” Buffy said a little too loudly making Benjamin squawk in protest. “Sorry, sweetie.” She said to the infant kissing the bottom of his foot.

“You know..call him all distraught about Spike leaving you for Donna. Imply that you want to get a little revenge and you know.” Willow tried to explain but was more flustered than helpful.

“And why do you think he would even want to with me?” Buffy asked

“Buffy, come on, the guy would have to be an idiot to turn you down.” Xander offered helpfully only to receive an elbow in his side from his wife. “Owww, not that I wouldn’t…I mean I would” He backtracked.

“Like Spike.” Buffy said softly.

“Honey, he’s just going through something. You know he’s loved you forever. He’ll come around.” Tara offered.

“I hope so. Okay, so I get Max to meet me, then I am supposed to…” Buffy asked trying to clarify the plan.

“Question him and try to get information about Donna, about the Soldiers. Try to find out what side he is on.” Dawn clarified.

“I hope none of you go into couple counseling because there wouldn’t be a surviving couple in your practice. Somebody hand me the phone.” Buffy gave into her family’s ridiculous plan stamping down the small feeling of hope that this would make Spike jealous.

Once Buffy had the phone she flipped through the address book on the table to find Max’s cell phone number. She reached out for Dawn’s hand as she dialed the number and waited for someone to answer.

“Hello.” A rich baritone came through the line making Buffy want to hang up like a teenage girl scared because she was calling a boy for the first time.

“Max?” Buffy asked softly the tears coming again. Max had seemed so supportive when she had met him and maybe he could make her understand.

“Yeah, who is this?”

“It’s Buffy.”

“Buffy, hey, how are you? Are the kids all right?” Max’s voice filled with concern as he thought of the children.

Then Buffy lost it again as the tears turned into sobs.

“Oh, God, I’m sorry for calling you so late. The kids are fine. It’s Spike. He left me for Donna.” She managed to get out between the tears.

“What? What possessed him to do something so stupid?”

His voice was so kind and caring that Buffy just started speaking more truth than plan.

“I don’t know he’s always had a thing for her. And she just seemed to be all flirty and everything that night. He can smell it, you know. When a woman gets turned on. Well, apparently she was all odorous that night because it got him all revved up.”

“Buffy, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?” Max asked.

“I don’t know where to turn. Can we meet? To talk or something?” Buffy was at the point of hiccupping through her words.

There was a stunned silence on the other side of the phone and Buffy tried to fill it.

“I’m sorry. My family is blaming it on me and they won’t listen. And I just need to be with someone who is nice and understands. Oh, God, I just want someone to hold me and I don’t know where to turn. Please don’t make me beg.”

“Okay. Okay. Is this afternoon soon enough?” Max asked.

“Yeah, that’s fine. Where?”

“There’s a hotel up the coast from Sunnydale called the Melody Motel. I’ll meet you there about
1:00 and I’ll call your cell phone to give you the room number as soon as I get there. Okay?”

“That’s fine. Thank you. I’ll see you then.”

“Alright. And Buffy don’t worry it’s going to be okay.” Max tried to reassure her before they hung up.

Buffy clicked the phone off and laid it on the table then started to wipe her tears away.

“It’s done. I meet him at one.”

She stood and looked around at her family.

“I’m going to go to bed now. Figure out who will stay with Raven and Elijah, please.”

Then Buffy walked out of the room leaving her family staring at her retreating figure.

June 18, 2007 12:22 AM

The Edge was loud and noisy filled with its usual clientele of humans and demons. Spike sat at the bar about to take another shot of his old buddy Jack when her face came between him and the glass. Buffy with her eyes wide and passion filled after tackling him in the closet had turned him on more than he had been in a long time. The only thing he had wanted was to push her to the floor and take her roughly. To have her scream in his ear as he made her cum but he couldn’t. Now, he was sitting here trying to get enough liquid fortitude in him to make the next step.

He picked the glass up, raised it to his vision of Buffy, and then drank it down in one swallow. With a raised hand he signaled Arnie over.

“Hey, man, I am out of here. Sell me a bottle. ‘kay?” He asked while pulling money out of his wallet.

“Spike, ya know I can’t sell ya a bottle. Go on home and make up with Buffy. She’s probably crying her eyes out all alone.” Arnie tried giving him some friendly advice not liking the fact that Spike was here instead of at home.

The image Arnie gave him made Spike want to run home even more but he couldn’t. He laughed as he thought that yesterday all he wanted to do was get away now he just wanted to go back.

“Come on; just sell me a bloody bottle. Leave it out and I’ll steal it.” Spike said throwing extra money on the bar.

Arnie gave him a funny look but took the money and left a new bottle for him. Spike nodded, grabbed the bottle and walked out the door. He walked around the side of the building to where he had left his bike. Reaching into the pocket of his jacket he pulled out his cell phone and slowly dialed her number.

“Hello?” A sleepy feminine voice answered.

“Donna, sorry for waking you. I want to see you.” Spike said putting more of a drunken slur into his voice than was necessary.

“Spike? It’s almost one in the morning. What’s going on?” Donna sounded a little bit more awake.

“Buffy kicked me out. Said I wasn’t good enough for her anymore.”

“Come over.” Donna said softly and quickly gave him directions. She was only about an hour away staying in an extended stay apartment.

“Well, that really helps keep the bad guys from finding my children. Stay close by so they can find you.” Spike thought to himself as he poured half the bottle out so it would appear that he had already drunk it. As he watched the amber liquid soak into the ground he realized he had thought of Raven and Elijah as his children and he knew in his heart that he had to keep them safe. With renewed determination to make this plan work he started on his way to Donna’s house.

June 18, 2007 1:25 AM

No matter which way Buffy turned she couldn’t get comfortable. Even holding his pillow didn’t help. There was no cool body to wrap herself around. No arm around her waist and no hard body to cushion her bottom against. She missed him and her mind kept imagining him with Donna causing anger and hurt to well up in her again.

“Damn it,” she exclaimed as she threw his pillow, which was the last one on the bed, onto the floor hating the fact she was so dependent on him that she couldn’t even sleep without him there.

A giggle by the door caused her to sit up to see who was there. Raven was watching as she leaned against the door jamb. Buffy let a giggle slip out realizing she probably did look ridiculous as she lay there with her arms and legs askew. All the pillows were on the floor and the covers kicked to the end of the bed.

“Hey, I can’t sleep.” She told Raven softly.

“Me neither,” the girl told her. The look in her eyes was so lonely that Buffy extended her hand to the young girl. Raven came to her slowly picking up pillows on the way. She looked so forlorn yet tried to be so proud that Buffy smiled in sympathy. Buffy reached out and took the pillows from the girl arranging them on the head of the bed then reached down to pull the comforters over her leaving a corner up so Raven could slip in.

“Thanks.” Raven whispered afraid of speaking. Although she knew about the plan, Spike leaving had hurt and angered her so much. It wasn’t right that he should leave them alone and that Buffy should be so hurt from it. If it was just a game than why was Buffy so upset?

“It’s going to be okay.” Buffy whispered back. It was like when Willow would spend the night and they would whisper so her mom wouldn’t come in and yell at them to go to sleep. Not that Joyce ever really yelled about anything.

“Is it?”

“Yeah, it will be. Spike never breaks a promise.” Buffy knew this. He would never have broken his promise to her no matter how much he hated keeping it or ended up hating her because of it. Promises were meant to be kept.

“Me too?” Elijah asked standing at the door with his thumb in his mouth.

As soon as Buffy invited him he took off running then made a leap into the bed making the occupants bounce from the impact. Buffy and Raven laughed as they pulled him up between them. Once he was settled under the covers they snuggled up against him. To anyone watching they would appear to be one large lump in the middle of the bed but to them it was comforting. It took a few minutes of giggles and tickles before they started to settle down. First Elijah then Raven drifted off as Buffy watched them smiling.

“Well, if Spike isn’t here to keep me company at least I have our children.” She thought startling herself with the realization that they were really becoming their children. And a tear drifted down her face as she thought that this plan needed to work for them.

June 18, 2007 1:45 AM

Spike pulled up to the door that had the number that Donna gave him on it. He cut the motor of the bike as he pulled the bottle out of his pocket. He took the lid and threw it into the bushes then grabbed his duffel bag off the back of the bike. Fear twined through his belly as the reality of facing his fantasy was coming true.

“Think Big Bad,” he told himself as he approached the door. After taking a long swig of the whiskey he knocked, leaning on the door jamb trying to appear nonchalant and cool.

The door opened slowly to reveal Donna standing there. His eyes traced the lines of the green satin robe she wore over a nightgown of the same color both ending around her ankles. Spike unconsciously licked his lips when he noticed her nipples straining against the material. He forced his eyes up to meet her hazel ones that gazed at him with mirth.

“Well, hello, Spike, so nice to see you again,” she told him before stepping back to give him room to enter.

He purposely stumbled into the room taking another drink from the bottle. After tossing his bag into a corner he flopped onto the couch.

“Come here,” he told her with a smirk and held his hand out to her. While she walked toward him he deliberately ran his eyes over her body again as she sat next to him on the couch. She curled her body so that she was facing him so he turned toward her.

“So, what happened between you and Buffy?” She asked while her eyes watched his hand slowly go to her knee.

“She found out about us.” Spike said softly his fingers tracing the inside of her knee slowly gathering the material up so that her leg was revealed.

“Oh, is there an us?” Donna asked swatting his hand away from her.

“Yeah. We all know it. We just haven’t consummated it yet,” Spike replied as he slowly brought his eyes to meet hers as his hand resumed his previous venture.

“So, you came to consummate us?” Donna asked him as she laughed huskily.

“It was a thought.” His hand continued its ministrations but knowing he had to slow things down he pulled away from her. He took another long swig from the bottle then afterwards he gave a loud belch and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Well, I don’t think anything is going to happen tonight in your condition.” She told him standing rather abruptly with a small look of disgust in her eyes.

“Nothing wrong with my condition, pet.” Spike leered at her while grabbing his crotch.

Donna rolled her eyes and wandered off coming back a few moments later with a pillow and a blanket for him.

“You can sleep out here,” she told him putting them down on the couch but Spike was pretending to be half passed out. “Oh, Good God, you show up on my door and then pass out. How nice of you.” Donna muttered as she knelt to pull his boots off.

Spike opened his eyes to look down at her. Her robe was gaping open giving him an ample view of her breasts straining against the bodice of her gown. He froze as he stared down at her when suddenly she looked up into his eyes. Everything he had fantasized about was there for him and he suddenly didn’t want to wait anymore. Leaning down he moved his hand into her hair so he could pull her to him. Their lips met slowly as he tasted her. Before lust dulled his senses, he remembered Buffy, the children and the Soldiers and reluctantly he pulled back from her knowing he had to wait. Knowing this was wrong.

“Sorry.” He whispered to her not liking the feelings he was having or the hurt in her eyes.

“Go to sleep, Spike. We’ll talk tomorrow,” she told him shoving him back onto the couch. Then she stood and left him lying there alone turning the light out on her way out.

TBC

Chapter 15 – Undercover

June 18, 2007 10:18 AM

As Spike slowly woke, he became aware of the strangeness of his environment. The couch he was lying on was too small for him and his back was out of kink. His mouth felt like it had been stuffed with cotton and his head was pounding thanks to the whiskey. From the lack of sound, he realized that he was alone in the small apartment. With this knowledge he relaxed, raising his hands over his head as he stretched slowly trying to bring his body back to consciousness.

Suddenly the door was opened and the sun fell across his arms and face. The exposed flesh immediately began to smoke as the pain ripped along his nerve endings

“Bloody Hell,” he yelled jumping out of harm’s way as the door was quickly slammed shut.

Donna hurried over to him putting a bag down on the table before reaching for his arm to check for injury.

“Spike, I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about it.” she apologized.

He watched her cautiously as she softly ran her hands softly over his flesh making sure that he wasn’t burned seriously.

“It’s okay, pet. You’re not used to living with a vampire.” He tried to reassure her while searching her face for duplicity but there didn’t seem to be anything in her eyes except genuine concern.

They both relaxed a little once she was assured that he was going to be okay. Donna smiled at him as she lifted a bag off the table to show him.

“I went out to get you some blood. If you want I could heat some up for you. You’ll just have to tell me how long,” she offered.

Spike reached up and ran his fingers through a lock of hair that was hanging along her face.

“I think I want to take a shower first. That okay?”

“Yeah, the bathroom is back that way.” Donna responded pointing into the bedroom part of the small apartment.

Donna picked up the bag with the blood and moved into the kitchen while Spike stood grabbing his duffel bag.

“Donna?” Spike hesitated before leaving the room.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry if I was, you know, out of line last night.” Spike apologized with a sheepish grin. It was all part of the act or so he told himself. He figured if he was as drunk as he was supposed to be then he shouldn’t be remembering everything that happened. Of course there was that part of him that also didn’t want her to be out of sorts with him.

“It’s okay. Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

Relieved Spike moved into the bedroom taking a quick look around at the messy bed and Donna’s clothes and things scattered about. There was a pile of folders and papers on the edge of the dresser and he made a note to go through them later before moving into the bathroom.

It wasn’t until he was in the shower with the hot water running over him that he finally gave in and voiced the thoughts that had been tickling the back of his brain since Donna had returned.

“Fine, I admit it. Buffy would know enough not to open the door to let the sun in and she knows how I like my blood in the morning,” he muttered to himself as he lathered his body in some bath wash that smelled like raspberries that made him wrinkle his nose. “Just what I needed; to smell like some poof.”

When he came out of the bathroom Donna was in the kitchen scrambling some eggs.

“Do you want some eggs?” She asked him as he prowled across the room toward her wearing only jeans and a towel around his neck.

“That’s okay. I’ll just nibble off of yours.” Spike whispered leaning close to her ear as he moved into the small kitchen.

They moved around each other as she cooked her breakfast and he heated his blood. There was no dance of familiarity as they got in each other’s way. Uncomfortable smiles were exchanged as they bumped into each other. Finally with relief they sat across from each other at the small table in the corner.

“What happened, Spike? Don’t tell me you have had five blissful years with Buffy and then it’s all over in one night.”

He shrugged and picked a slice of toast off her plate. The plans had been made so fast last night they he hadn’t really had time to make up a background story. After taking a bite of the toast and deciding to stick to the truth as much as possible Spike looked back up at her.

“It wasn’t just one night. Buffy and I keep living in two different worlds. She wants to domesticate me and I want more than that.”

“If you love her don’t you want to be with her?” Donna asked him thoughtfully.

“Yeah, and if she loves me than why can’t she be with me? In my world? Travel, see things, do things, instead of always being caged up in damn Sunnydale. It’s always the same boring thing. I want some excitement.” As the words came out he realized that he really was speaking the truth. More truth than he had admitted in a long time. “You can’t cage a demon forever. He’s like a wild animal that needs more than a pen; he needs the thrill of the hunt, of the kill.”

Realizing he had probably said too much with the last part, Spike looked up quickly to gauge her reaction but Donna was only looking at him in sympathy. Spike laughed nervously as she surveyed him cautiously.

“And you think I can give you that?”

Before answering her he reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear, allowing his fingertips to trace her jaw line.

“I see it in you. The wildness and the same call for freedom. It’s there in your eyes and I want to taste it,” he whispered to her knowing that this was also true. It had always been there. The sensuality radiated off Donna in great waves of heat that called to him.

Donna laughed sardonically at his words.

“You want to taste it, Spike, but do you really want a steady diet of it? I don’t stay in one place for longer than a couple of months. Everything I own is in this hotel room and I don’t keep people very close to me,” she explained the bitterness unmistakable in her voice.

“Sounds like the good old days when Dru and I traveled the world. It was fun. Maybe you just need the right man to come along and make it more interesting.”

Spike’s fingers began to gentle caress her arm as a feeling of nostalgia swept over him. What Donna described was the way that he had lived with Dru. Their only rulers were the freedom, the pleasure and the kill. He couldn’t have the kill but with this woman he could have the other two and he had a feeling the pleasure would be more reminiscent of the former days than the sex he had with Buffy.

“And maybe you need to go home to your wife.” Donna stood suddenly taking her plate and glass into the kitchen.

Spike followed her into the kitchen waiting until after she had set the dishes in the sink before turning her around. He leaned into the softness of her body as he pinned her hands to the counter on both sides of her.

“I’m not married yet and Buffy told me that I was free,” he told her as his mouth traced the jaw that his fingers had followed a few moments ago. The demon was enjoying himself as he felt the door crack giving him his first taste of true freedom in forever. A low growl resounded in the base of his throat as he kissed her right below her earlobe and his hands released her arms so they could move around her waist.

“Spike, not now.” Donna told him as she pushed at his chest halfheartedly. “I’ve got a meeting I need to go to about my trip to Japan.” Her hands came up to cup his face. “ We can finish this tonight. Why don’t after I get back we go out, have a little fun and see where this leads?”

“Alright, love, we’ll finish it tonight.”

Spike stepped back to give Donna the room to walk away. He was torn as to whether he should be relieved that she had pushed him away or disappointed because she hadn’t given in. Well, at least with her gone for awhile it would give him a chance to search the apartment. Then once he knew what side she was on then he could decide his own side.

June 18, 2007 12:55 PM

Buffy pulled the Desoto in a parking place outside the small hotel that she was meeting Max at. It was a seedy looking place overlooking the ocean. The entire place was painted red with a neon sign at the entrance in the shape of a piano. She looked carefully around her noting the strange combination of semi trucks and luxury cars that filled the spaces around her. After dropping the car keys into her purse she wiped her hands on her skirt.

“Damn it. I should have worn the other dress,” she muttered as she picked at the silky fabric of her dress. Dawn had talked her into wearing a pink wrap around dress with bright flowers. She said it looked like something someone would wear to an afternoon tryst. It was easy to get off but just made Buffy feel sleazy. She decided never to take fashion advice from her younger sister again.

Realizing that she would have to get out of the car eventually she opened the door and slipped out cautiously. With a quick glance at the note clutched in her hand to make sure she had the right number she headed down the row of rooms. After turning the corner to find it she stopped outside of the one that Max told her he would be waiting at. Taking a deep breath for courage she raised her hand and knocked.

Max opened the door almost as if he had been watching for her. Buffy had forgotten or hadn’t realized just how good looking he was as she took a second look at him. He was taller than Spike and dark where Spike was light. His hair was almost black and his skin tanned. The only thing light on him was the blueness of his eyes. Max leaned against the door in amusement as Buffy studied him. She worried her lower lip when her gaze moved down his body and discovered that his shirt unbuttoned almost to his waist. Then her eyes flew back up to meet his as a slight flush raced up her cheeks.

Using grace that would rival Spike, Max moved forward putting his hand on Buffy’s waist.

“It’s just for show, Buffy. Relax.” Max whispered into her ear as he moved down to nuzzle her neck before coming around to kiss her on the corner of the mouth. He pulled her forward into the room as confusion rattled some kind of warning to run into Buffy’s brain. As soon as the door was closed Max released her leaving Buffy to almost stumble without his support.

“Would you like some coffee?” He asked as he turned away while his hands were buttoning his shirt.

“Coffee?” Buffy squeaked out unable to form a coherent thought.

“Yeah, coffee, would you like some?”

When she didn’t answer he went ahead and poured her a cup from his thermos on the dresser. He smiled in amusement as she took in the room wide eyed and her mouth hanging open. It confirmed his suspicions that an afternoon fling was not what Buffy had really called him for.

Buffy examined the room in disbelief, unable to accept that it was even more hideous than the outside of the hotel. The walls and carpet were both cotton candy pink and the bed was covered in a red velvet comforter. The only thing of interest to her was the heart shaped Jacuzzi tub that was in the corner of the room. She just couldn’t make her feet move that way to check it out on a closer level.

“Take a seat.” Max told her but when she didn’t move on her own, he pushed her gently in the direction of the bed. Once she was carefully seated on the edge he put a steaming cup in her hands and ordered her to take a drink.

“Pretty awful place, isn’t it? But if you’re going to have a little revenge on a cheating spouse, what better place to come.” Max told her as he leaned against the dresser.

Buffy nodded then took a long drink of the coffee hoping it would clear her head. Everyone was counting on her to do this but she was out of her league. Mata Hari she wasn’t and it wasn’t something she was aspiring to either.

“So, Buffy, want to tell me the real reason Spike is with Donna or do we really want to go through this charade of you trying to seduce me for information? And if that’s it then it’s not going to happen unless you loosen up some.”

A slow blush crept up Buffy’s face at the casual way that Max talked about her seducing him. There wasn’t a concrete plan except for her to meet him and find out what she could. The thought of actually having to do something hadn’t even crept into her mind. Now she knew why no one had said anything about this when Spike was around because he never would have gone for it. She laughed suddenly as she realized the duality of the situation. It was okay for him to go off to Donna for information but not her. Feeling a little revengeful and daring she leaned back on one hand and flipped her hair over her shoulder.

“Would I have to try very hard to seduce you?” She tried to purr out seductively but it came out more as a choked whisper.

Max’s eyes narrowed to a slit as he watched her. Since the moment he had walked into the house that night he had seen Buffy for who she was. He had traveled too far and wide and seen too many things not to recognize what was in her. And this wasn’t her leaning back on the bed trying to act out the part of seducer. Maybe if pushed too far or hurt too much this could be her but not now. He had seen the love in her eyes for Spike and all she wanted was what a lot of women wanted. She wanted to nest, a home of her own, somewhere safe and a man to truly love her not weekday trysts in cheap hotels.

“Buffy, quit the games. If you want to get laid, I’m not your guy. Nothing against you but I’m not taking the responsibility for hurting you. If you want to talk, let’s talk. Otherwise go home.” Max told her point blank turning to start throwing papers back in his briefcase.

Even more embarrassed than before Buffy sat back up and watched Max for a minute. Relief swept through her because it wasn’t what she wanted. Maybe she just needed to feel attractive again and wanted again. She released a sigh as she stood to walk over to the man who had just effectively put her in her place. And for the first time in a long while she felt safe. It wasn’t the same safe as she did with Spike when things were good; it was the safeness of knowing where she stood and not having to walk on egg shells.

“I’m sorry. We did some research on Donna and we think she might be involved with the Soldiers of Light. I kicked Spike out so he could see if he could find out anything.” Buffy explained.

“Was that so hard?” Max asked with a smile.

It was so genuine and warm that Buffy had no choice but to smile back at him.

“No. It wasn’t.”

“Is Spike going to be able to handle it? I know that…” Max trailed off not knowing how to put it exactly without offending her.

“That Spike is attracted to her. Well, we had already broken up because of it when this other stuff came up. Well, at least temporarily broken up. I had given him a week to decide what he wanted.” Buffy shrugged her shoulders and went back to sit down on the edge of the bed.

“I’m sorry.” Max turned to sit on the dresser facing Buffy. “We have suspected Donna for a while now. Things just haven’t been adding up. Not that we have definitive proof but maybe Spike can help us with that. We have some men watching her so we have Spike make contact so he isn’t alone and he knows that he is being listened to. We have her room bugged.”

“Oh, that’s great. His infidelity gets recorded for prosperity.” Buffy whined.

“Maybe he isn’t going to do anything. Give him the benefit of the doubt.” Max told her hoping it was true. “Okay, first step. You need to call him. First thing tell him if he isn’t alone to act like you are begging him to come back. Then tell him that we will have someone meet him at the little store on the corner as soon as it gets dark. Can you do that?”

Buffy nodded as she reached for her cell phone.

June 18, 2007 1:35 PM

Spike was busily sorting through the pile of paperwork on the dresser when his phone went off. After checking the number he tampered down the excitement when he realized it was Buffy.

“’lo Baby.” He answered.

“I take it you’re alone then,” she replied trying to ignore the way the warmth of just his hello made her stomach tie up.

“Yeah, I’m alone. Donna had a meeting to go to.”

“Good. Look, I’m with Max and…”

“Excuse me, what the hell are you doing with him?” Spike interrupted her as a picture of that man with Buffy burned through him.

Buffy smiled at the Spike’s jealous tone and then the earlier feeling of things not being fair went through her again.

“The same thing you’re doing with Donna. Getting information.” That should get him really pissed she thought knowing it wasn’t really nice to deliberately play with his emotions. Even Max rolled his eyes at her words. When Spike didn’t say anything and all she could hear was the sound of his breathing as he tried to control the anger raging through him. She was just glad that he didn’t know where she was with Max. “Spike, forget I said that. It’s not the same. It is but not. I’m just getting information.”

“Okay, Slayer, what do you want?” The words were cold as he bit them off. It was inconceivable to him that Buffy could play this kind of game with him. If she had been there he probably would have been tempted to strangle her.

“Spike, look the Guardians have suspected Donna for a while. They have people watching her and Max wants you to meet one of their men tonight. He said there’s a little store on the corner. Meet the guy there as soon as it’s dark. He’ll be in a red pullover shirt. Okay?” Buffy rushed through the words before Spike could respond.

“Fine, I’ll meet him. But you and me have something to settle when I get home.”

“Don’t Spike. Don’t even pull that crap with me. No, actually you’re right. We do have something to settle. Once and for all.”

Spike threw his head back as he heard the hurt in her words. He knew he was being unfair to her. It was asinine to be possessive yet wanting the freedom to do what he wanted. But the thought of anyone else touching Buffy made him want to kill, like he had with Richard. He had no right to chain her unless he wanted to be chained.

“You’re right. If I’m free then so are you,” he whispered in resignation. “We’ll talk soon.”

As he moved to disconnect the call he heard her voice and lifted it back to his ear.

“I love you, Spike. I miss you and so do our children.”

Then she disconnected the call.

June 18, 2007 1: 45 PM

It was done. Spike would make contact with a Guardian so they could work together to discover Donna’s true allegiance. At least he wasn’t alone there. Maybe that would prevent anything from happening too fast and give Spike a chance to use his head.

Buffy stood reaching for her purse.

“Hey, where are you going?” Max asked.

“Leaving. We got everything settled, didn’t we?” Buffy looked at him in confusion.

“Buffy, you haven’t even been here an hour and I paid for three.”

“Oh. You paid for three hours? You pay by the hour here?”

Max laughed at her naiveté but yet was touched by it. If Spike didn’t come home voluntarily he might just need to visit him and try to knock some sense into him. He shook his head as he looked at her.

“Besides it would be a blow to my manly pride to think that I would be finished with a beautiful lady like you so soon. Hang out for a while. Let’s see what they have on television. Besides I brought snacks too.”

“Snacks?”

“I knew if it wasn’t my charm then it would be the food to win her over.” Max joked as he reached for the bag with the food in it.

TBC

Chapter 16 - And The Truth Is All You See

June 21, 2007 10:15 PM

The Harris household was almost dark except for one dim light in the master bedroom. Spike grinned with devilment at the possibility of interrupting the married couple as he approached the front door. With a closed fist he laid a few pounding hits on the door and waited for someone to answer. After a couple of minutes of not getting a response he pounded a little harder and this time he heard someone approaching the door.

“What?” Xander asked in irritation as he yanked the door open. Anya was standing right behind him pulling his t-shirt down around his waist.

“Sorry, didn’t interrupt, did I?” Spike asked innocently as they both looked at him in disgust.

“Yes, as a matter of fact you did. Now go away.” Anya said as she went to close the door but was thwarted by Spike’s hand against it.

“Look, I need a favor before I go home. Come on let me in.” He tried to look like he was in desperate need as he pouted at her.

“No, Spike, this is the first time in days that we have had a chance or the energy to have sex. Now go away.” Anya tried to shut the door again.

“If you don’t let me in voluntarily then I will have to remind you that you wouldn’t even have a chance to have sex together if it wasn’t for me.” Spike pulled the little reminder of his saving Xander’s life out as a last chance effort to get through the door.

“Oh, my God. Fine, come in. Just don’t take long. I want to have orgasms tonight.” Anya muttered as she turned to head toward the back of the house.

The two men looked at each and laughed as she disappeared into the master bedroom.

“Sorry, Harris, but I need to take a shower and borrow some clothes before I go home.” Spike explained plucking at the clothes he was wearing.

Xander leaned forward and took a sniff of Spike. The vampire smelled like expensive perfume with a twinge of raspberries.

“Buffy would kill me going home smelling like her.” Spike told his friend sheepishly.

“Yeah, she would. Come on. You know where the bathroom is. I’ll get you something to wear.”

“Thanks.”

A little while later after he had showered and changed he moved toward the laundry room where he pulled his dirty clothes out of the duffel bag. After dumping them in the washer he moved into the kitchen where Xander was sitting.

“Sit, Spike,” the brunette said seriously as his friend came into the room.

Spike raised an eyebrow at the tone but sat anyway.

“We are friends aren’t we?” Xander asked waving his right hand as his eyebrows raised.

“Yeah, I guess but I don’t want it getting around. Might ruin my reputation.” Spike replied in mock seriousness.

Xander nodded not laughing at Spike’s attempt at humor which put the blonde on the defensive.

“You going to give me a lecture or tell me how wrong I am. I don’t need it, Harris.”

“No, no lectures because the way I see it, you just don’t understand some things.”

“And like you do.” Spike scoffed“

I think I do. I’ve been married for almost five years now and went through almost two years of counseling so that I could stay married. Look, Spike, I already told you no lecture. I just want to tell you about my day yesterday.”

“Go ahead because I can tell you’re not going to give up until you spin your little tale.” Spike told him feigning disinterest although he was curious as to how the Harris’s remained married in spite of everything they had and were going through.

“Let me see. The alarm didn’t go off and we woke up half an hour late. I had a meeting at 9:00 with a new supplier so Anya let me get ready first. Got out to the kitchen at 8:15. Gave me plenty of time to get there on time. Well, I kiss Anya good-bye, then Aidan but guess what, Jessy was in a mood so as I am hugging her she decides she doesn’t like peaches in her oatmeal anymore and dumps it all over me and her. Needless to say I don’t get out of the house until almost nine. I’m 25 minutes late for my meeting which makes the guy not too happy with me and I lost my bargaining edge. Then it rained and I had to send my crew home which set us back a day. You following me so far?” Xander paused to make sure that Spike was still listening.

When the opened eyes and raised eyebrows told him he was listening, Xander continued. “So, when I get home the only thing I want to do is sit on the couch with a cold beer but Anya has had the same kind of day and Jessy was still in a mood so I got to entertain the kids while Anya made dinner. Then after that, are the baths and the laundry and the cleaning of the kitchen. Plus I had to reschedule everything due to the delays at work. By the time 11:00 rolled around and we finally got to bed we were exhausted and barely had the energy to kiss good-night much less anything else. Now this is kind of day is more average than not.”

“Well, gee, Xander, that little story definitely makes me want to run home and get married and have kids.” Spike told him honestly as a chill ran through him.

“Spike, you’re not getting the point. This is life. It’s real and it’s messy and it’s good. It’s not fun and games. I thank God every night when I go to bed that I have Anya and I thank you because if it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have my wife and kids. Go home, Spike, tell Buffy you love her and make it work. It’s worth it.”

“Don’t you ever want to get out here? Run. No responsibilities.”

“Sometimes but then I think what my life might be like without my kids and Anya and it’s not worth it. We are building something together. It has roots and it’s going to last beyond me. Do you really want another relationship like the one you had with Drusilla? What is left of that except your memories? Getting married and having children is real and it lives beyond what you have. Buffy will live on through those kids and so will your love. Your way? It’s nothing but something that will last only as long as your memory holds out.”

Spike stood understanding what Xander was trying to tell him but there was something inside of him asking him if he was worth leaving behind something.

“Thanks, I’ll think about it. I’m going to get out of here. Take care of my laundry, will ya? And your wife.”

With that he walked out of his friend’s house with a lot more on his mind than when he had entered it. The past few days had turned him inside out and he needed to go home and see Buffy. Maybe then things would begin to make sense.

June 22, 2007 12:05 AM

The back light was on like he was expected, making him feel welcomed as he let himself into the house. Spike headed for the refrigerator needing some blood before he went to bed. On one door of the refrigerator was taped a dinner menu for the week and on the other were chore charts for Raven and Elijah. Spike smiled at the stars and check marks next to the days on the chore list.

As he pulled out a container of blood he noticed that it was fresh, marked with Thursday’s date. After pouring some out and heating it he headed for his study. On his desk was a pile of books and a folder that wasn’t his. He looked through them as he sipped his nourishment. They were all books on child raising, discipline and how to handle the emotions that come with adoption. The folder held notes that Buffy had made from web sites she had visited on nutrition and cooking.

He sighed as he realized that Buffy was going at motherhood like she did everything else, with total focus. Sometimes she could be cold, bitchy and throw huge self pity parties but once she made up her mind about something or someone there was no changing her mind and she gave her all for it or them.

Spike drained the last of the blood in one gulp and headed back through the kitchen to leave his mug in the sink before making his way upstairs. It seemed Buffy may be right. She didn’t need him with the way things had changed in only the few days he was gone. Their bedroom was dark and quiet except for the easy breathing of Buffy sleeping in the middle of the bed clad in his t-shirt. One sniff and he knew that his cologne had been sprayed on it. With a sigh he sat on the edge of the bed putting a hand out to touch her when he noticed her hair. While he had been gone she had cut it. Almost six inches had been taken off and it now hung around her waist instead of her hips. To him it was a statement of independence telling him that he was no longer wanted or needed. Her hair had been grown out for him and now it was gone.

Then everything hit him at one time. The guilt, the fear, the confusion, the loss of Donna and the love he had for this woman and it came out in great gulping sobs. Spike started to stand to get away when Buffy reached for him and pulled him to her. It was really the only place he wanted to be and let him self be pulled until his face was buried against her stomach. He lay there sobbing while her hands ran over him.

“Baby, are you okay? What’s wrong?” She asked as she continued to check him over for injuries.

“I’m sorry, Buffy, why did you do it?” He cried to her.

“Do what?” She asked baffled since she felt she should be the one asking him questions.

“Your hair?”

She wanted to laugh. With all the things that were wrong between them he was worried about a few inches of hair but she knew that to him it was almost a sign of submission to him. That wearing it that long was a pledge that she wanted to please him.

“Spike, I’m sorry. I didn’t do it to hurt you. It was getting all nasty and it needed to be trimmed.” She explained something so feminine not sure if he would understand it wasn’t personal.

Suddenly he moved against her needing physical affirmation that they still belonged together in spite of everything. Shifting he started to urgently kiss her stomach through the t-shirt moving up to pull one of her nipples into his mouth while his hand sought the other one out.

It felt so good for him to touch her again even though it had been only a few days. As he suckled at her the pleasure shot down her body to her center point. She felt herself getting wet as he his hand trailed down her waist to grasp her bottom kneading it as he mouth moved over hers. It was possessive and needy as his tongue demanded her response and she capitulated meeting him with her own raw need. It was quickly becoming a raging fire as he settled between her legs grinding his hardness against her as his one hand pulled her closer to him. She wanted to give in. Just give herself to him. As he started to pull her shirt up she thought it would be so easy to forget the past week. Just give in to their hearts….

Buffy pushed at him with everything she had.

“No. We are not going to do this,” she told him panting as she tried to clear her head.

“Isn’t this what we did when you came back? Didn’t you just crawl into my bed, have sex with me that I still don’t really remember and just move on?” Spike reminded her bitterly.

“We need to talk. I need to know what’s going on.” Buffy explained cautiously. This wasn’t going to be easy or safe but it was time for honesty. They couldn’t continue ignoring everything.

“Why? I didn’t ask about Richard. Or is this a way of making your guilt go away? Are you hoping that I have more to atone for so that now the score is even?” Spike was reaching as he threw that out because he didn’t think that much had really happened between Buffy and Richard.

It was Buffy’s face that made him realize that maybe her guilt was as deep as his. She had turned her blushing face away from him and was now scrambling off the bed. Spike stood and moved around the bed to catch her before she could go anywhere.

“What didn’t you tell me?” His voice was cold and devoid of emotion as he caught her by the upper arms.

“Nothing, Spike, I already told you that we didn’t have sex. What about you and Donna? You were alone with her for four nights? What do you have to atone for?” Buffy desperately tried to turn the table back to him afraid of letting him know her secrets.

But Spike having lived so long with devious behavior and lying knew there was something that she was hiding. He knew that he had never pursued it before not really wanting to know. That’s why they had just gone forward but now with his own guilt maybe he’s the one who wanted to even the score so he wouldn’t feel so bad. His fingers dug into her arms as he backed her into the wall.

“How far did you go with Richard? And don’t lie to me.”

Buffy stared into his eyes and knew. She knew that if they were going to remain together then everything had to be told. Her secrets, his secrets, their fears and doubts all had to be brought out into the open. And if they could get through this night then maybe they would survive as a couple.

“I love you. I love you more than anything.” Buffy told him hoping that he would not only believe her but remember it as the night wore on.

“How far, Buffy?”

She started to sob as she felt the walls around her break.

“Almost everything but intercourse.”

The pain of betrayal in his eyes was so deep it was as if she had put a stake into him. Spike let go of her and stumbled backwards. The bed caught him behind the knees but he slid down onto the floor instead. His face buried in his hands as tried to block out her words. He had accepted that they had had physical contact but for some reason he had blocked out the thought of his mouth on her or her on him. Foolishly he had believed that their clothes had never come off but he should have known. Even Drusilla had betrayed him. After he had been with Buffy she was supposed to have belonged to him only. And now he didn’t know if he would ever see her in the same way again.

Spike looked over at her where she had slid down the wall and was now hunched on the floor. Her arms wrapped around her knees as she rocked herself.

“How could you?” He asked not really wanting to know.

“Because I wanted to love him,” she responded with a laugh that held no amusement. “Because I didn’t want to love you like I do.”

Her hand started to absently pick at a piece of loose wall paper.

“It was after that night in my bathroom; after I came to talk to you. He came over one night and we were on the couch.”

“Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.” Spike barked at her not believing she was going to give him details. Each word would only be another cut on his heart.

But she didn’t listen.

“And we were kissing and touching. He kept telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. Have babies with him. His hand went down my leg pulling my skirt up and I let him. I let him touch me with his fingers and his hand. I had to close my eyes and imagine you to finally be able to cum.” A sob ripped through her as she remembered that night. “Then afterwards I…I took him into my mouth and I did it just the way you taught me. He told me I was the best he ever had. I felt so dirty afterwards.”

She ignored the deep moan of pain that Spike made.

“The really funny thing is I will always be the one to carry the guilt and shame even though it was your fear that pushed me away. Pushed me into Richard’s arms because you didn’t want to get married and have babies. It will always be my fault because I didn’t want to give up everything for you. They will always look at me in blame.”

“Are you saying it’s my fault for you…doing that?” Spike had almost said ‘whoring yourself out’ but he changed his words knowing his own guilt.

“No, it’s both of ours. It was your fear for pushing me away and my fear that let you do it.”

“What did you have to be afraid of? I wanted to give you the world.” He didn’t understand wanting to still give her the blame for betraying him.

“Spike, I was such a mess. I was in therapy but still a mess. When I got to LA you were different. You had a soul, and had made friends down there. Even the way you dressed was different and I couldn’t understand how you could still want me. Then you got back here and bought this house and my friends were becoming your friends. Saint Spike. And they were all angry with me for being with Richard and not you. I didn’t want to accept your love, your need for me, because once you realized what you had gotten yourself into you would leave like everyone else. Then after the shootings I didn’t care. I would take whatever love you would give me until you realized you made a mistake. And I guess you finally have.”

Buffy sounded so lonely and hurt as she finished emptying everything out of her that Spike wanted to go to her but he couldn’t. He still had to tell his side. And it was time for him to do it.

“I’d never met a human that wanted to be with me voluntarily except for the freaks and whores that like the thrill of fucking and being bitten by a vampire. Yeah, there’s even places like I showed you with Riley except its worse.” He explained as her eyes widened. “There’s still a lot things you don’t know, Buffy, things I never want you to know. As I was saying though I’d never met a human woman that looked at me like Donna did. Not even you, Love. You hated me for so long or at least acted like it. It’s intoxicating. I never thought anyone could want me like that. I went down there hoping that they were wrong. Then it would be another excuse to be with her and not you. We only kissed and hugged the first couple of days. There was always an excuse not to go further and it was a relief and disappointing too.”

Spike paused as he laid his head against the bed and tried to continue.

“Then earlier tonight I was still looking for something, anything to prove one way or another which side she was on. Donna was in the shower and I was sitting on her bed when she came out. The only thing she had on was a towel and I pretended that I was waiting for her. She came to me. I told myself that she had to be innocent because I hadn’t found anything. The Guardians hadn’t found anything yet. And I let myself go. Told myself that I would show you. That somebody could love me without having to be coaxed into it. Could love me just because they wanted too. Not because I amused them or I took care of them or because I was their muscle. Show you and Angel and Dru that I was worth it.” A sob tore through him as the truth finally came out. “And we were together and it felt good and then there was nothing between us but my jeans and her hands were undoing them. I looked down at her. She was naked and spread out beneath me and then I couldn’t do it. Oh, God, I couldn’t do it. She wasn’t you.”

Then he couldn’t continue as the tears of rage and hurt and pain swept through him again. Knowing that this was no time for recriminations or pride Buffy scrambled to him pulling him back into her arms. Together they cried. As the festering sores they had carried for so long broke and released their poisons.

“Shh, Baby, shh, I’m here.” Buffy whispered to him as they rocked together.

Finally he shook his head and pulled away from her. He needed to finish telling her everything.

“Donna is in custody with the Guardians. She is telling everything that she knows about the Soldiers. After I rejected her she freaked. Started screaming about how bad demons were and they should all be destroyed. Her…her sister fell in love with a demon and the guy turned on her and killed her. Donna fell apart and was approached by the Soldiers. But she wasn’t involved with the murders. By the time she found out about that stuff she was in too deep. She came in with the kids after their parents were already dead.” Spike finished letting Buffy know that Donna was gone from their lives.

Buffy ran her hand through his hair wanting to ask. She needed to know but was afraid too.

“Do you love her?”

“No. Only you it seems.” He laughed as he looked at her. Then tenderly he reached a finger up and wiped the tears from her face. Leaning closer he brushed his lips against hers then drew back waiting for her to say something else. To let him know he was still welcome here.

“It doesn’t change anything. Donna was a symptom and not the problem. You wanted freedom.” Buffy reminded him.

“I told you once you treat me like a man. I want to be a man for you but sometimes everything screams for me to run. That I wasn’t meant for these kinds of responsibilities. I’m a vampire…”

“Don’t. Damn it, don’t use that excuse. Every time you get scared or insecure you hide behind the fact that you are a vampire. That’s what happened five years ago and it’s still here. You’re Spike. More human than a lot of humans I’ve met. More real and wanting to be a part of this world than any creature I’ve ever met. That’s one of the reasons I love you because you make me want to be a part of this hell called life.”

She stopped so that she could turn his face back toward her so that their eyes would meet.

“What do you want Spike? I don’t expect perfection or a guarantee of being happy. We can do it together. We can save the world so I think we can do this. All I need is for you to love me and a willingness to try.”

“I do love you. I’ve loved you since you were sixteen and I will love you when you’re sixty.” He whispered almost reverently to her as she expertly took the pressure off of him. All he had to do was say he wanted to try and she would take him back. He could be cradled in her arms again and loved.

“Spike? Do you want to try, to try to be my husband and a father to Elijah and Raven? All we want is you and your love. We are supposed to become a family today and I need to know.”

Buffy made it sound so simple: so easy to give in to his heart that screamed for her. The demon whispered in his ear that it would never work, that he wasn’t worthy of this kind of adoration, that he needed to be free but William, always William, needing love reached out for her with trembling faith. The voice of the demon was lost as his heart took control and pushed outside his doubts and fears.

“Yes, I want to try.”

And that was all it took for Buffy to smile through her tears. She crawled into his lap as she buried her face in the crook of his shoulder.

“I love you. I love you,” she whispered over and over to him as her kisses rained across his neck to his cheek until his lips met hers in blinding need. Somehow they managed to move to the bed still kissing.

He positioned her so she was on her back and he was over her. His fingers gently ran over her face as he reined in his passion.

“I know this is stupid,” he told her with a laugh. “But I want to wait until after we’re married. Make everything new.”

Spike stopped waiting for her laughter or her teasing but Buffy only smiled at him and turned on her side nestling back against him.

“Hold me. I haven’t slept well all week without you,” she requested as she burrowed closer to him.

Spike reached down and pulled the comforter over them. His arm moved over her as he buried his face in her hair.

Soon they both slept. There were no words of forgiveness. They weren’t needed. It was understood that they both had been so hurt in their past that in their fear of the gift they had been given they had both tried to run from it. And found they couldn’t.

TBC

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