With or Without You

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.



Chapter 27 - With or Without You

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
U2


Morning was there before either of us was ready for it. It had been almost five before we went to sleep lying curled together in the middle of the bed. In the time that we had been together I had become accustomed to her next to me at night. Apart from her sleep had been elusive and fleeting. With her body beside mine I was able to fall into a deep for the first time in weeks. The last thing I had been aware of before drifting off was the sound of her sighing as she moved closer to me.

“Buffy?” Fred was calling to her. Waking us both from our dreams. Buffy groaned and rolled over onto her back.

“Yeah?” She responded while rubbing her eyes in an attempt to wake up.

Fred and Gunn were going to breakfast and wanted to know if Buffy wanted to join them. She looked up at me and asked if I minded if she went. I kissed her on the tip of her nose and told her to ahead. They agreed to meet in the lobby in twenty minutes. Buffy took a quick shower and came out to get clothes from her bag. After she had pulled on underwear and a pair of jeans she went over to my closet. She began to look through my shirts and sweaters.

I propped myself up on the pillows to watch her. She turned to look back at me once she realized I was gazing at her. A slow smile crossed her face that lit up her eyes.

“You don’t mind if I borrow something do you?”

“Help yourself.”

She continued to rummage until she settled on a white crew neck pullover sweater. It was a little big on her but as always she was beautiful. After rolling up the sleeves she came to sit on the side of the bed. I ran my hand over her back as she slipped into her sneakers.

“You have a lot of new clothes.” It wasn’t a question or even a conversation opener. It was a statement that resounded with disapproval.

“Yeah. You don’t like them?”

One of those uneasy feeling curled in my gut again. It seemed like she didn’t like my new look even though she was wearing a piece from it.

“They’re nice. I guess I’m not used to you wearing anything but black.” Buffy attempted to soften her words with another smile.

“Things have changed. Thought I should change with them. Be less evil looking.”

“A regular white hat.” She commented then leaned into kiss me good-bye. “I love you.”

Then she was gone leaving me confused. There were pieces of a puzzle lying scattered about and I wasn’t quite sure how to go about putting them together. They just weren’t adding up quite right. Before anything became clear to me or fit together sleep overtook me again.

It was early afternoon before I woke again. Stumbled through a shower and getting dressed. My strength was depleted and I needed nourishment. Walking toward the stairs I heard voices coming from the lobby. For everybody to be there it had to be a slow day at Angel Investigations.

“So, Buffy, do you want babies?” It was Fred. Why was she asking her that? What kind of conversation were they having?

I went down another step or two so I could see what was going on. Buffy was holding Connor in her arms. Fred was sitting next to her playing with one of his feet.

“Babies are good. Aren’t they, sweetie? Lots of babies are even better.” She cooed to him leaning forward to kiss him on his forehead.

I could feel someone watching me and glanced up to see Angel looking at me in sympathy. This was why he had left her. To give her a chance to have all the things that normal women have. Marriage and babies, a big house, and Saturday little league games. Things she couldn’t have being with a vampire. A piece of the puzzle dropped into place.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs I walked over to her and Connor. He was beginning to fuss a little. Cordelia said she was going to get his bottle and disappeared into Angel’s office. I reached for Connor taking him from Buffy. Her eyes opened wide at me as I held him in my arms.

“You’re hungry aren’t you?” I started to jiggle him like I had seen the others do when he was fussy. Angel told me to put my finger in his mouth to quiet him down. As soon as I put my finger inside of his mouth he began to suck on it greedily. “It’s not what you really want is it? But Uncle Spike still tastes good doesn’t he?”

“Maybe he should just ask Aunt Buffy if you do.” Cordelia sarcastically cooed when she returned with his bottle. I guess Angel wasn’t the only one who heard us last night. I surrendered the baby to Cordelia’s capable hands. Although Angel was adjusting to fatherhood I wasn’t even sure if it was something that I wanted. As far as I knew it wasn’t likely to happen so I had never stopped to think about it. Children had been like adults. Food.

Buffy was quiet as the conversation around us flowed. About the ongoing investigations and other business problems for them. I kept trying to catch her eye but she refused to meet mine. Deciding to change the pace I asked Cordelia if I could have some of the empty boxes that were piled in a hallway upstairs. She told me to help myself. After grabbing a couple I made my way back to my room. If Buffy wanted to ignore me then I would ignore her. Give her space. Once we were living together again things would get straightened out.

I started to pull clothes out of the closet and throwing them in the box when she finally came in to join me. Still quiet. She dumped the clothes out of the box out onto the bed. Then she started folding them and repacking them.

“What’s going on?” I asked her as I put some more stuff on the bed.

She didn’t say anything for a few moments. Stood frozen with her head bent a shirt in her hand.

“I don’t know you anymore.” Her voice forlorn as she ran her hands over the material she was holding.

“You don’t want me to go back with you, do you?” It was becoming crystal clear that somewhere from the time she got up to now something had broken between us. What and how was something I still needed to figure out.

“Yes, I do.” She looked over her shoulder at me. Her face told me she was lying as the tears gathered in her eyes.

“Where am I going to?” I had just figured when we got back together we would continue to live with one another. But I had never asked her.

She didn’t answer me just shrugged her shoulders. When I didn’t say anything she finally suggested a motel until we could me an apartment.

“No. I am not going to date you, Buffy.” I switched to this nerdy falsetto voice. “Buffy, hello, it’s me William and I was wondering if you aren’t busy Saturday maybe we could go to a movie.”

She smiled weakly at my attempt at sarcastic humor. But it wasn’t a joke.

“That’s bullshit. After everything we have been through I want to live with you.”

She turned so she was sitting on the bed. Her hands clutched together on her lap. As the silence grew between us she started to wring them. Rubbing and clutching. This had all been a mistake. All of it. Last night. Today. She should never have come here if she wasn’t ready. This was torture to have everything dangled in front of me just to have it yanked away again.

I turned and walked out. Anywhere that was away from her. Since it was the middle of the afternoon I couldn’t leave the hotel. So, I started to walk through the halls. There were a lot of empty abandoned hallways to get lost in at the Hyperion. My mind started mulling over the things that happened since she had shown up. Not once had the future ever been discussed in any conversation we had. The closest to it had been that night in the rain. We had discussed our pasts and our feelings for each other. But never where we were going. It seems we had different expectations of our relationship. I wanted forever with her. It seemed she only wanted me around until she was ready for marriage and babies.

Every once in a while as I turned corners I could hear her call to me. Each time she called my name her voice became more desperate. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I stood my ground and yelled out to her.

“You’re a damn Slayer and you can’t find one vampire in an enclosed building. That’s pathetic.”

It didn’t take long before I turned down another hallway that she was there. Waiting. We stood and looked at each other. It was time.

“I love you, Spike.” She sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as me. “I just don’t know you anymore. The new clothes and the hesitation to make love to me last night. And Fred couldn’t stop talking about you this morning. About how much you have changed. How good you are now. Then you were holding Connor. My Spike would never have done that.”

“You couldn’t be bothered to ask just once about me getting a soul could you? Maybe if you had then all of this stuff wouldn’t have been a surprise.” I didn’t want to have this conversation. Wanted to avoid this and get back to loving each other.

“I never asked you to do it. I loved you the way you were.” When I reached for her she backed away from me. Pulling her arm away from my hand.

“I did it for us. For everybody. For me. It was something that I thought that you would want. This way I can be one of the good guys and you don’t have to get a lot of flak for us being together. Like you did before.” As much as I didn’t want it to my voice was getting louder with each word. Like I could break through these walls with the sound. She backed away a few more steps. “This way we can love each other and fight together. Have a life together.”

“And you’ll fucking leave me like they did. That’s what they said too. I love you, Buffy. We can fight the demons together, Buffy. But, no, they couldn’t handle it and they left me alone. Damn you for this.” She turned to run like she always did. I reached out and grabbed her. Wrapping my arms around her. She fought against me and I moved back against the wall. With my arms still around her I slid down the wall. When we hit the floor I wrapped my legs around her middle. Holding her to me.

“I’m not going anywhere, Summers. Ever. My place is with you. I love you.”

That part of the puzzle was together. The good guys always left her. The bad boy had stayed with her even when she wasn’t perfect. Now that I was one of the ‘good guys’ she was afraid I would leave her. Just like they did. But I knew my destiny and future was with her. For whatever time that fate gave us. I just needed to prove it to her. But the only sure way of doing that was with time.

I held her until she started to calm down. I kept whispering that I would always be there for her. No matter what. There wasn’t any other place that I belonged. Or even wanted to be.

She shifted sideways until she could look at me.

“I’m so confused.”

“I know.”

“Are you still mine?” She wasn’t asking if I still belonged to her. But if I was the one she had fallen in love with. That despite the changes I would basically be the same. If I were still the same as I was then I wouldn’t leave her. She knew in her heart that the old Spike would always be there for her.

“Yeah. Couldn’t you tell from last night?”

She smiled because she knew as well as I did that was one thing that would never change between us. No matter how bad everything else was. I ran my hand down her cheek and leaned forward to kiss her. Her lips clung to mine trying to find the chain that linked us together.

There was still one part of the puzzle that still needed to be put together. I hated to keep digging into things that would only hurt. But it was better to deal now instead of waiting until it was too late. And the pain would only be greater later.

“Buffy, where do you want us to go?”

“What do you mean?” There was confusion in her eyes as her brows knitted together.

“Us. Where do you see us in a few years?”

“Can’t that take care of itself? Just enjoy what we have.”

Buffy was avoiding. I knew her enough to know that she didn’t want to live life moment to moment. She liked to have everything in her life defined. It was her way of feeling secure. She had to have thought of the future. Possible dreamed about it. What kind of life she wanted us to have.

I shook my head at her to let her know I wasn’t buying it.

“Talk to me. Be honest.”

She scooted away from me until she was leaning on the opposite wall. Her legs cross-legged in front of her. Her head was bent so she wouldn’t have to look at me.

“Do you want marriage and babies?” I threw it out there when her silence continued. She was scared of being honest. Afraid of having her dreams trampled on again. That wasn’t my intention.

“Doesn’t everyone?” She asked me almost defiantly. The tears were slowly drifting down her face again. I wanted to hold her tell her everything would be okay. To say the hell with the future but I couldn’t because we both needed to know where we stood.

“Not me.” I said it as gently as I could. After looking at me in surprise she turned her head to look down the hallway. Any place but at me. A hand came to wipe the tears from her cheeks.

“You don’t want to marry me?” Buffy sounded so wounded. I had done that to her because I loved her enough to want to be with her.

“I want to be with you. Always. But I am a vampire. Not the boy next door.”

I couldn’t look at her anymore. It was tearing me apart. I leaned my head against the wall and sighed. Was a fifteen minute ceremony worth hurting her over?

“Buffy, if it’s what you want I will marry you. Go through the whole bloody ceremony.” For her I would do anything. Except for what was out of my reach.

She looked up at me in surprise.

“But you just said you didn’t want to.”

“I’m a 130 year old vampire. I spent a century with another vampire. We never needed a ceremony.”

“I’m not Drusilla.” Her words were cold and biting as she cut me off. It was a way for her to remind me that she was a human. A girl that wanted what almost every girl wanted.

“Buffy, I was just trying to tell you that I can love you for a lifetime without it. But if it will make you happy then I will do it. Gladly. Without reservations.”

She nodded her head. I don’t think she fully understood it yet but at least my words had gotten through.

“Babies and children are something else.” I knew this was going to hurt the most so I scooted across the floor toward her. Taking her hands I came to sit cross-legged in front of her. I tried to choose my words carefully because I wanted her to be able to accept the reality of our situation.

“It’s very rare for a vampire to be able to impregnate a woman. It’s been known to happen but not very often.” I stopped for a moment for my words to sink in. “And even if it happens there are things I will never be able to do.” I hesitated as a sob caught in my throat. The more that a little Buffy ran through my head the more I wanted her. “I will never be there for her first day of school. I will never be able to go to afternoon ball games or go with her on field trips. If she gets sick I won’t be able to go pick her up from school. In a lot of ways you wouldl be a single parent. How are you going to be able to deal with it?”

“You sound like Angel.” She told me as she pulled her hands away from me. I was losing her attention fast. I could almost see the walls she was building to hide in.

“He was right. You deserve someone who can take you into the light. To do these things with you. Not just sit on the sidelines and watch.”

“I thought that was what you just did. Moved into the light to be with me.”

“It solves some things. But not all things. This isn’t a fairy tale, baby. You aren’t going to kiss the beast and turn him into a prince. That beast will always be there. I just want to make sure you’re ready for it.” I took her hands again squeezing them. She didn’t fight me on it. Then my words hit her. About her being ready for it. Not that I was saying good-bye.

“It’s my choice?”

Angel had made the decision for her. Not letting her decide what she wanted. Maybe I would do the same thing if she were still a teenager. But she was twenty-one now. She had died and come back. Fought her way through the hell she had found when she was suddenly alive again. She was perfectly capable of making the best choices for her.

“Yes. But be aware that no matter what you decide I will always be a part of your life. I am not going anywhere. Part of my decision to get my soul was to help out in Sunnydale. I still plan on doing that.”

There was a part of her that was angry with me. For making her face this when she wanted to get lost in a dream that could never be.

“And you? What do you sacrifice?” The words were harsh as if I wasn’t hurting. As if there wasn’t a price for loving her.

“You.” She didn’t understand. “I get to spend a millisecond of my lifetime with you. Then watch you grow older. And frailer. Then to finally die. Leaving me alone for centuries without you beside me.”

Even before my words were done she was in my arms. Her legs wrapped around my waist.

“I really do love you.”

She told me through her tears but I already knew that. She didn’t need to tell me. But I just wanted to make sure she was prepared to deal with the sacrifices she might have to make
for loving me. Squeezing her tightly against me I repeated that I would always be there. I picked her up and carried her back to my room. We didn’t make love again but lay there holding each other. Just enjoying being close to each other. And when the afternoon slipped away into the night she left me.

I stood at the window and watched her drive away. My heart broken into a million pieces. It was her choice now. Was she willing to give up ever having a normal life to be with me? Was our love strong enough for her to give up her dreams?

It would never be over for us even if she didn’t come back to me. Destiny had brought us together. Our fates were intertwined. Our love was too full of fire and passion to ever burn out. And somewhere centuries later we would still be burning bright.

Father Figure

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.


Chapter 28 - Father Figure

That’s all I wanted
Something special, something sacred
In your eyes
For just one moment
To be bold and naked
At your side
Sometimes I think that you’ll never
Understand me
Maybe this time is forever
Say it can be
But something tells me together
We’d be happy
That’s all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime
That’s all I wanted
Just to see my baby’s
Blue eyes shine
This time I think that my lover
Understands me
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be strong
If you are the desert
I’ll be the sea
If you ever hunger
Hunger for me
Whatever you ask for
That’s what I’ll be
So when you remember the ones who have lied
Who said that that they cared
But then laughed when you cried
Beautiful darling
Don’t think of me
I will be your father
I’ll be your preacher
I’ll be your daddy
I will be the one who love you
Until the end of time
George Michael



It was actually simple. We both wanted to be ahead of where we were. Both of us wanted to skip the preliminaries and just get into the middle of the relationship. But we had different ideas of what that middle was going to be. She wanted and deserved normal. I just wanted her. To love and be with.

Being with Dru taught me that you had to compromise and work everyday to keep love alive. That it wasn't always what you wanted. But what both of you needed. That was why I had told her I would marry her if that was what she wanted. I didn't need it but maybe she did. To feel secure. Or just for the dream. But we would never be a 'normal' couple. We would never do the suburban thing she wanted.

And I would never leave her alone. I knew that I was the one for her. All of those doubts and fears she had could stop with me. I would make them go away. The dark side of her that she was afraid of didn't frighten me. I loved her happy or sad. But she needed to take the time to figure that out on her own. That I could give her even if it was killing me.

I waited everyday for a phone call. A sign of any kind from Sunnydale to let me know what was going on. Finally after two weeks I broke down and called Giles. He wouldn't tell me anything. Said it wasn't his place that I would have to ask her. Then I told him I was coming home. That Los Angeles wasn't where I needed to be. Surprisingly he agreed with me. Told me that my life couldn't revolve around what Buffy was doing. That I needed to make a life for me and maybe that would actually help her to see things in a different light.

He offered to come and pick me up the next night. Dawn had been bugging him to bring her down here to see Connor anyway. When we got off the phone I felt a little better. At least I was taking a step forward. I debated as to whether or not to call to call Buffy and let her know. But I decided to wait until I got there and talk to her in person.

The time to go couldn't come soon enough once the decision was made. My stuff was packed into boxes and waiting in the lobby by early afternoon. And I spent the time waiting for Giles and Dawn pacing. Everybody was irritated with me and was ready for me to go by the time they showed. Dawn came through the door first with a big grin on her face. She made her way directly to me wrapping me in a bear hug. I hugged her back enjoying the feeling of being loved. And missed.

After she hugged me she made a beeline to Connor. I waited impatiently while she and Giles visited with everybody. I knew they hadn't seen each other for a while so I tried not to get irritated. But I was ready to go home.

Finally we loaded the car and headed back to Sunnydale. I rode in the back seat because I knew that I wasn't in the best of moods. Just leaned back into the seat and tried to mellow out. Listening to Dawn and Giles talk. Dawn turned so she could look back at me and tried to include me in their conversation. She reached a hand back taking a hold of mine when I didn't say a whole lot.

Right before we reached Sunnydale Dawn announced that she was starving and wanted pizza.

"Giles, please stop. I bet Spike would like some wings too." She turned back to look at me trying to get me into her conspiracy. "Wouldn't you?"

I laughed at her and shrugged my shoulders.

"Sure, Dawn, wings sound good. You know they don't have them in LA right?'

Giles laughed with me as she crossed her arms in front of her to start sulking.

"You guys are just unfair." She threw out before turning to stare out the window. I guess Giles took pity on her because he handed her the cell phone. Told her to call and place the order so it would be ready when we got there.

She smiled and told him thanks before calling to order.

When we pulled up to the restaurant Dawn and I went in to pick it up. Giles decided to wait in the car. I followed her in after holding the door for her. We went up to the counter and told them we had placed a to go order. Dawn and I were leaning on the counter waiting for them to bring it to us when I heard a familiar laugh. It was Buffy. Looking up and over the crowd I tried to spot her. Fading out the other voices searching for hers alone.

I found her. In a booth with Xander and Anya on the opposite side of the table. And next to her was a man. A human male. Someone I didn't know and she was laughing up at him.

"Spike?"

It was Dawn wondering what was going on. She followed my gaze and saw her sister.

"Oh, shit. Let's get out of here."

She reached for the food and started to walk out. There was no surprise of her seeing Buffy with him. Only that I had seen. I didn't move. The urge to kill was coursing through me as I saw him reach out and touch her hand.

Buffy must have sensed me because her head came up. Searching for me this time. Our eyes met. I held the gaze for a moment before I turned and walk out. Following Dawn across the parking lot and into the car. This time she scrambled into the back. I climbed into the front seat and told Giles to go. As we pulled out of the parking lot she was just coming out the door. I didn't want to care as she stood and watched us pull away.

I asked Giles to stop at a store down the street. Told him I needed some smokes. He didn't argue just stopped to let me out. I guess Dawn filled him in when I was gone because he didn't say anything when I lit up in his car. What I really wanted was to get stinking drunk. But I was afraid to. I didn't know what would happen if I did. What I would do.

No one said anything until we reached the house. Giles told Dawn to go upstairs so that he could talk to me.

"No, he needs all the friends he can get." She put the food down on the dining room table then returned to lead me into the living room. Taking a seat beside me on the couch. Giles sat on the other side of me.

"This isn't a surprise to the two of you?" I asked them looking from one to the other. Dawn shook her head.

"She met him right after you left. He works with Xander and he had brought him along to help move some furniture for Buffy. He liked her from the start but she kept telling him no." Giles started to explain to me.

"Until I sent her home alone from Los Angeles." I filled in the blank. It was my fault for giving her space to decide what she wanted.

"Yes. She has only been out with him a couple of times." He sighed and leaned his head back. "It's complicated. You told her to decide. She feels like she can't decide unless she has walked on both sides."

As much as it ripped my guts out in a way he was right. Unless she hit the reality of it not being right the grass would always be greener on the other side.

"What do you think she will do?" I asked hoping that he would agree with me. That she would never really fit into that world.

"She is always going to be the Slayer. That is something that will follow her everywhere. And the only way I could see to leave it all behind for a normal life would be to leave us all behind. But it's time Spike. She has a right to be happy. It's up to her to decide what that is." He told me trying to encourage me and yet not give me false hope. "Just don't do something rash. Keep giving her space and just concentrate on you until she decides."

I nodded my head.

"Can we eat now?"

"Never Dawn. You will have to starve for all eternity." I told her in mock seriousness. She laughed and pushed at me. Then she jumped up to retrieve her pizza and my wings. Leaving them on the coffee table while she went to get us something to drink. Bringing back a soda for her and a beer for me. After handing me the beer she put a movie on the TV and we settled on the floor to eat. Giles excused himself to go read in his room when he realized she had put on some teen horror flick. Rolling his eyes as he hurried from the room.

Once he was gone she started to ask me questions. More about my new soul. About what happened between Buffy and I in Los Angeles. What I was going to do and where I was going to live. I answered some of her questions. Some I didn't. The ones about the soul I answered the best I could. Told her what happened was between Buffy and me. But I had a feeling that she knew more than she was letting on. It seemed that the two of them were talking more these days. And the rest I said was still up in the air.

She seemed satisfied with my answers. Offering suggestions of where I could live and making jokes about jobs I could hold. Like bartending, professional bodyguard, a model or a singer. The suggestions started getting more outrageous the longer we talked. But it was in fun. Holding a job was one those things that were on the near impossible list.

But it felt good to laugh. When Dawn wanted to be she was a lot of fun to be around. I had been an only child so she was like the kid sister I had never had. I could only hope that Buffy would come around so I could get more of the family that I wanted. To be a part of that group that I had been trying to be a part of for so long.

It was almost midnight and we were on our second movie when she walked in. She had changed from her date clothes to jeans and a t-shirt. She was also wearing my duster around her shoulders. I could only assume that she had gone home after her date and taken the time to think about things before coming to see me.

"Can we talk?"

She was standing in the entrance to the living room by the glass doors.

"Okay, good night. See you in the morning." Dawn switched off the movie and almost ran past Buffy and up the stairs leaving us alone.

"There's nothing to say."

Her eyes searched mine. She knew I was lying to her. There was plenty to say. If she could read me then she would find pain, anger, and jealousy in my eyes.

"Spike…" She began falteringly.

"Don't say you're sorry. We both know you're not." Her eyes closed tightly and nodded her head in agreement.

I walked up to her until we were almost touching and inhaled. I could smell him on her skin. The stench of his cologne and sweat making me want to gag. Her eyes flew open when she realized what I was doing. She took a few steps away from me.

"I haven't done anything with him." She defended herself.

"I know. At least not tonight. That smell isn't on you. But you have kissed him." It wasn't a question. I knew. He had no clue what he had done by touching her. His only prayer was this soul I now carried would do its job and protect him if it ever came down to that.

"He's not you." Her words were meant to let me know that he didn't do a lot for her physically. So, she probably wasn't lying and hadn't fucked him yet.

I leaned forward so my lips were almost brushing hers.

"And he never will be."

Then I pulled back before I did something that we would both regret. My emotions were demanding to be heard. To make her feel as low and as bad as I did. But I knew that if I did hurt her it would only drive her further away. Something that I couldn't stand the thought of so I restrained myself.

"What’s the boy’s name?"

"Richard. He works…"

"With Xander." I finished for her. "Giles and Dawn filled me in."

"Oh."

We stood there awkwardly neither of us knowing what to do. She told me she was going to do some patrolling and asked if I wanted to go along. I tagged along with her because I just wanted to be close to her. And that was what I had come back for after all wasn't it? To fight the good fight.

For the next couple of hours we wandered through the cemeteries looking for vampires or demons. We hardly talked at all just walked side by side. Occasionally we would brush against each other. Sometimes it was accidental and sometimes I think we were just looking for some comfort. It was a quiet night with only a few vamps out and they were easy kills. Which was a disappointment in a way. A good fight would have helped to release my tension.

I finally walked her back to her apartment. Saying good night at the door. She didn't invite me in and I didn't try to touch her. I had promised her space and I would give it to her. As I was walking away she asked me if I wanted to go again tomorrow night. I stopped and turned to look at her standing alone on her doorstep. If I went with her then she couldn't be with him. So, I told her yes that I would go. Before she closed her door behind her I told her to take a shower before I came over. That I didn't want to be smelling him on her. I don't know if she heard me or not as the door swung shut.

She was missing me but wasn't ready to admit it yet. All I had to do was give her time and she would be in my arms again. At least I hoped so.

I'm On Fire

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVs belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.


Chapter 29 - I'm On Fire

Hey little girl is your daddy home
Did he go away and leave you all alone
I got a bad desire
I'm on fire
Tell me now baby is he good to you
Can he do the things that I do
I can take you higher
I'm on fire
Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my soul
At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the
Middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
I’m on fire
Bruce Springsteen


When I got back to the house I fixed some blood and headed for my room. Actually it was Buffy’s old room. But all of her furniture was at the apartment now. Settled down on the new bed to drink my snack before I went to take a shower. As soon as I lay down on the bed Dawn was knocking softly on the door.

"You decent?" She called to me. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. But I called to her to come in. Once she was in the room she closed the door behind her. I shifted to give her room to sit on the foot of the bed.

"Well, what happened?" Dawn was looking for the big romantic ending too. Was it in the family genes?

"We went patrolling. Nothing more than that." I hated to disappoint her but there wasn't anything exciting to tell her. The light faded slightly from her eyes.

"You didn't talk or anything. Is she still going to see him?" She was still hoping that something good had happened.

"No. Not my business anymore it seems. And as far as I know she is."

She reached out and put a hand on my leg squeezing her fingernails into me.

"She's an idiot." She let out a small scream then she released my leg.

"Dawn, don't talk like that. She's just confused." Buffy was still my girl even if was driving me around the bend.

"And she's my sister. And she's an idiot for not appreciating you."

"It's complicated, Niblet. I can't give her everything she wants. It's not that she doesn't love me." I told myself to keep saying that and maybe I’d believe it too.

"There are other ways to have babies then the usual way. Adoption. Artificial insemination." My earlier suspicions of them talking had been confirmed. At this point she probably knew more about how Buffy was feeling than I did.

"They don't let vampires adopt babies." A smiled crossed my face as I thought of Buffy and me trying to do that. Filling in the occupation of the potential father as a bloodsucker. Dawn threw her hands up in frustration accompanied by a loud sigh.

"Okay, what about the other thing."

"Artificial insemination? Don't think so." Buffy carrying another man's child would only piss me off. Maybe it was just macho pride but it just made me feel useless. It was funny because since the whole thing had started the idea of Buffy’s belly swelling with a child was something I wanted to see. But it was my child not someone else’s planted there.

"The baby would be half hers. She would be a little Buffy."

"And maybe we could end up with a little person that we wouldn't like. Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we have Xander do it? Keep it in the family."

I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to help." There was a soft apologetic tone to her voice. I sighed. I knew she only wanted us together. We both wanted the same thing. Family. And if Buffy and I were together than she had the older brother she wanted. And there wouldn't be any fear of her losing Buffy.

I felt her shift on the bed until she was lying beside me.

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"She told me that she loves you. Why is it so hard then? Isn't love supposed to conquer all?"

I opened my eyes to see tears streaming down her face. I turned until I was facing her on the bed wiping away a tear away with my thumb. Holding her hand until the tears were gone. Sometimes I forgot that she had been through a lot too. And just like Buffy she wanted security. And love. The kind of love that didn’t leave you alone in the end.

"Not always, Lil’ Bit. Not always." I finally answered her question.

She stayed with me for a few more minutes then stood to go to her room. I told her that tomorrow she could help me start looking for a place to live. That cheered her up. But before she could start off on a tangent like the one about me getting a job I sent her to bed. Telling her tomorrow I could deal a little better. She laughed as she headed for the door.

It was almost noon before I came downstairs the next day. I headed straight for the kitchen to fix a mug of blood. Dawn was sitting at the island with the newspaper spread out around her and a marker in one hand. At that point I knew I was in trouble. I turned to face her taking a sip from the mug.

“I’ve been going through all the rentals. Sorted them out by location, price and size. I figured that you would want at least two bedrooms and in a place that wasn’t really populated.” She hesitated to take a breath and to get my reaction so far. I nodded at her because she was making sense so far. “The price I wasn’t sure about. I heard Giles and Anya talking one day that you had some money stashed away. So, I put the stuff that was in the median range first.”

Dawn actually had it pretty much sorted out. I sat next to her and started going through her notes. As much as I hated to say it with her help it wouldn’t be hard to find something. I took the marker from her and crossed through a couple that I really wanted to call about. Or make her call for me since she had become the efficient little helper.

As I was going through her notes she continued to scan the paper. I heard her gasp and then she turned to me.

“Spike, could you afford to buy something? Because there’s something in the paper for sale that I think you would really like.” Dawn was a little hesitant as she asked. I looked up at her and the side of her mouth was twitching. Something was up.

“What is it? A cemetery of my own? A newly renovated crypt? I know, it’s a mortuary, isn’t it?” I joked with her. It was probably a house in the middle of a subdivision with families on both sides. Doing it to torture me with what could never be.

She shoved a section of the newspaper under my nose.

“Look! It’s better. It’s the old caretaker’s house. The one near your old crypt.” Dawn was so excited she was shaking.

I grabbed the paper away from her so I could see. There was an article about it. The city was putting it up for sale instead of tearing it down. They felt it had historical value to Sunnydale because it was part of the town’s first cemetery. I quickly went through the article until I found the contact information. Before I could ask for the phone Dawn was holding it out to me. And within the hour I had put a bid on it and had called my bank to wire the deposit to the realtor. The place was ridiculously cheap. But no one halfway intelligent would want to live next to a cemetery in Sunnydale. When I hung up the phone Dawn launched herself at me. I picked her up and swung her around the kitchen. This was perfect for me.

Where else should a vampire live except for a cemetery? Clem would be my neighbor. And the house was already holding memories for me. Good and bad ones. Memories of Buffy. Since I wasn’t too particular about living arrangements I could live there while I fixed it up. The house stood at the back corner of the cemetery with the actual front of it facing a residential street. The street was full of old two story houses that looked like it belonged in the past somewhere. The caretaker’s house was the last house on the dead end street.

Giles went with Dawn and me that night to meet the realtor. Official visit. To look it over. We walked through the place checking things out. It was really a nice place if it was taken care of. There were two bedrooms downstairs along with my old bathroom, a kitchen, dining room and living room. Upstairs were two more bedrooms, a room probably meant for a nursery and the bathroom was split. There was a half bath in one room and just a claw foot tub in the other room. Giles was pretty impressed with it. The historical architecture and all that.

The realtor didn’t think that I was going to have any problems with the purchase. The preliminary screening had gone through and I had passed. Which means they liked the fact that I could pay cash for it. Everything on my credit report except for the balance of my accounts was false. Computers could be so useful. And Willow had been a good friend. I told her that I wanted to put the sale through as soon as possible and she said she would put a rush on it. Because a loan didn’t have to be approved and the city now owned it there wasn’t going to be a whole to do. They just needed to put together the paperwork and set a time with the title company. And then it would be mine.

“Can I have a Halloween party here?” Dawn asked as soon as the realtor drove away. “This place would be cool. It is so spooky.”

“Dawn, there is some work to be done before it is safe for a bunch of teenagers to be tromping through the place.” Giles always the logical one got to be the one to tell her no.

Her lower lip came out in a pout before turning to me. She was going to try to persuade me by putting on the ‘look’.

“No. He’s right. There are some floorboards and stuff that need to be fixed first.” I told her before even giving her a chance to plead with me.

“Party poopers.” She threw her hair over her shoulder and gave us both dirty looks before heading out to the car.

Giles looked over at me and shrugged his shoulders.

“Are you and Buffy going patrolling again tonight?” He had been surprised that we had gone the night before considering what had happened. I had pretended that I was dealing with it. But I wasn’t really. It was churning inside of me waiting. Hopefully, things would change and soon.

I told him that we were planning on it and that I was to meet her at her apartment later. He nodded and said to let him know how it went. He asked if I was going to ride back with them and I told him no. That I was going to go and see Clem before heading for Buffy’s place. I waved goodbye to Dawn and headed across the lawn toward the crypt.

Clem was watching some Knight Rider reruns when I got there. He was surprised when I came strolling through the door.

“Spike, you’re back. Come sit and tell me all about it.” I grabbed a beer from the fridge and joined him. My old chair was now his so I sat on the couch. Rubbing my hand across the surface and thought of the times that Buffy and I had made love on it.

We talked about my soul a little. He thought I was nuts for doing it. Especially to work with humans but he said it was my choice. When I told him about the house he got excited. Thought that it would be great that we would be neighbors.

“Are you going to close the tunnel?” I laughed and told him no. That it would be easier for us to travel back and forth to visit without having to go outside. After a little while I left to meet Buffy.

I knocked on the door and waited listening for the sound of her footsteps. It took her a few minutes for to answer. She stepped back and waited for me to enter.

“You have to invite me in, pet.” This was the first time that I would enter her place. I guess she had forgotten that fact. Or she was getting so lost in human ways that she didn’t remember that she had to invite me in.

“Oh. Come in.”

I stepped in. Looking around. It was sparsely furnished but it was nice. There were candles everywhere and vases with flowers. Soft and feminine like her.

She reached for the duster and pulled it on. It was hers now. Funny it had been my trophy for killing Slayers and now a Slayer wore it. Because I had told her it would protect her while we were separated. I followed her out of the apartment and we headed for the cemeteries.

“Did you have a good day?”

Buffy looked at me in surprise when I asked. Then smiled at me.

“It was okay. The restaurant was busy but it meant better tips.” She smiled up at me. “How was yours?”

“Good. I bought a house.”

She stopped walking and asked me to repeat myself.

“I bought a house. The old caretaker’s house.”

“I thought you didn’t want to be domesticated.” Her expression was one of confusion.

“No, it’s just that I need a place to live. I’m a vampire. And it’s in a cemetery and I like the place. Therefore I bought it.” I explained to her.

She nodded her head and turned to start walking again.

“And it has memories of us there.” I said I would give her space. Never said I would play fair. And besides I got the reaction that I wanted. Because she remembered the same things I did. That bathroom had almost been as important as the bedroom to us. Sex and fighting had both happened there. Conversations we had and decisions that were made.

“You bought it because of memories?”

“No. It was just one of the reasons. Not all of it.”

Then I started walking leaving her behind. She hesitated for only a moment before catching up with me. We headed into the cemetery closest to her apartment.

“Any particular thing that we are looking for? Or is just general patrolling again tonight?” Figured I would change the subject before we got too deep into a conversation that would end badly. She replied telling me that it was general again. This meant a lot of walking and waiting.

We ended up running into a gang of five vampires in the third cemetery. Two were taken out when we surprised them. One of them fought but was quickly dusted by Buffy as I took off running after the other two. She caught up with me quickly and she told me to go in one direction. While she went in the other direction so that we could cut them off at the back wall. Her plan worked and they were trapped between the wall and us. Leaving them with no place to go. They both fought for their existences with everything they had. By the time we took them out we both were high on adrenaline rushes.

Buffy looked beautiful standing there. Sweaty. Breathing hard. Her eyes danced from the kick of the fight. She met my eyes and the next thing I knew she was in my arms. I don’t remember who made the first move or who touched whom first. It’s just that she was there. Right or wrong. I didn’t care. Picking her up I backed her into the wall devouring her mouth. She wasn’t fighting me. Giving as much as I was taking.

Afraid if I said anything it would break the spell and she would be gone. My hands moved to the clasp on her jeans undoing them. I kept waiting for her to say no. To push me away but she didn’t. Her mouth and tongue were clinging to mine.

I pushed her jeans down her legs. She kicked off her shoes and pulled her jeans off. Reaching down I pulled her up by the back of her thighs. Her legs wrapped around me and she had my zipper down before I had her against the wall again. Burying myself in her without any preparations. She was ready and so was I.

Neither of us said a word or even looked at each other. It was flesh meeting flesh in a basic way. Two beings familiar with each other’s body knowing and understanding the other’s needs. This was part of our world. The fighting. The rush. The passion. It was a part of her whether she wanted to admit it or not.

As she started to reach the edge she lifted her head from my shoulder and looked into my eyes. The connection was still there. The love and tenderness was evident as we took each other higher and plummeted together into bliss.

I watched her as she got dressed. Neither of saying a word. It didn’t change anything for the better. Just made things more complicated. When I lit a cigarette she took it from me to take a drag. We shared that one and another on the way back to her place.

We didn’t touch again. And as we approached her front door she turned to me.

“I’ll get Xander or someone to go with us from now on.”

I nodded my head. Understanding that she didn’t want to give in to temptation again. That being alone with me would only lead to other moments. Moments that couldn’t take her where she wanted to go.

“I’m not sorry, Buffy.”

“I know.”

She leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek before turning to go in. I sat on the step in front of her place listening to her move around inside. Contemplated what we had done. It was only going to make her feel more confused. Probably would make her feel guilty for cheating on him. Me, there wasn’t any guilt. As far as I was concerned she still belonged to me. Always would. You can’t feel guilty for taking what was yours.

But I could hope that it would make her realize that I was the only one who could reach her like that. On that level you reach when you don’t always have to explain your needs. A level of connection that reaches beyond the physical and into the hearts of those involved.

I'll Be There For You

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtvS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.


Chapter 30 - I’ll Be There For You

You say you’re cried a thousand rivers
And now you’re swimming for the shore
You left me drowning in my tears
And you won’t save me anymore
Now I’m praying to God you’ll give me one more chance, girl
I’ll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I’ll be there for you
I’d live and die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can’t say what a love can do
I’ll be there for you
And Baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be your valentine
I’ll be the water when you get thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I’ll be the wine

Giles had called a meeting to fill the others in on the changes in me. I wasn’t sure what Buffy had told to whom but this way everybody would be together and it would only have to be told once. I was looking forward to seeing everybody again. The girls anyway. Anya, Tara and Willow. Xander, well it was Xander and I was looking forward to his reaction more than actually seeing him.

I waited in the living room for them to get there. Tara and Willow arrived first. Their faces lit up when they saw me. The two of them hurried over to hug me at the same time. I asked how they were and they told me they were good. They had found a little apartment and were living together again. Just as I was telling them congratulations Xander and Anya came through the door. I walked over to give Anya a hug and tell her hello. Xander didn’t like it a lot but he didn’t say anything. After all the hellos and small talk were over we pulled some chairs from the other room and everybody took a seat.

Just as we sat down Buffy came rushing through the door. She apologized for being late and walked toward me taking a seat on the arm of my chair. As she moved to make herself more comfortable she laid a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at her surprised at her gesture and she just smiled down at me. Dawn was looking from her to me with a grin on her face. Apparently they had talked earlier because she wasn’t surprised at Buffy’s move. Now, Xander and Anya were looking a little uncomfortable about it. It didn’t make sense for her to be there supporting me like that if we weren’t together anymore. It had me a bit confused too. After last night and her statement of not wanting to be alone with me it was a bit odd.

Giles hurried into his speech trying to ignore the situation building around us. He told them first that I was back for good. That I had bought a house so my commitment to work with them was definitely a permanent one. Then he told them about my trip to Africa and my quest to regain my soul. That it wasn’t just for Buffy, Dawn or them. It was my decision on what I wanted for my life.

“You’re shitting me, right?” Xander exclaimed not even looking at me. But at Giles. This just upset his whole hatred of me. Because so far the only reasons he had said he hated me was the fact that I was an evil soulless vampire. And then, of course, there was the whole issue of Buffy.

“No shit. Now you are going to have to come up with new names for me. Besides evil and soulless.” I didn’t even give Giles a chance to respond. Wanted him to look at me. So, I could see the look in his eyes at my changes. Petty but it felt good. To see his limited little views on the world shattered by me.

We were staring each other down. He was threatened by me because he was afraid of losing his place in the gang. I felt Buffy squeeze my shoulder as a warning and I broke the stare. Letting him win. Time would tell anyway. It didn’t have to be settled now.

Everybody else was happy for me. I got the usual questions about how I felt and what was different. Made me glad that Giles had done it like this so it could all be over with at one time. I didn’t want to keep repeating this. It was time to move on.

After the questions were over with everybody broke apart to talk. Buffy was heading for the kitchen and I was right behind her. This game of hot and cold was really beginning to get to me.

“What was that about?” I stood just inside the doorway and watched her get some water out of the refrigerator. She turned to look back at me.

“What was what about?” She was wearing that innocent look. The one that made me want to shake her. As I sighed she broke into a grin and walked over to lean on the island.

Before she could say anything else to me Dawn and Tara came into the room.

“Umm, do you want us to leave?” Tara asked as she realized they had interrupted us.

Buffy shook her head.

“No, it’s okay.” She walked past me on the way to the door. Stopping beside me she whispered to me that I already knew the answer. I did. She still cared even if she wasn’t with me anymore.

Xander came looking for me a few minutes later asking me if I was ready to go patrolling. Buffy was keeping her word about us not being alone together. She would be friendly and even affectionate around other people. But she wasn’t going to take a chance on us doing anything again. In a way it made me smile to think that she didn’t think she could control herself around me.

The three of us headed out toward the cemetery. Buffy and Xander did most of the talking while I just followed them. It was another slow night. All the beasties seemed to be staying indoors. As the night wore on and the boredom was setting in Xander turned to me.

“So, you bought a house?”

“Yeah, the old caretaker’s house in the cemetery.” I wasn’t sure where he was going with this so I was cryptic with my answer. Not giving him any details.

“That place is so supposed to be haunted. It was THE place to go when Willow and I were kids to prove how brave we were on Halloween. A lot of spooky stuff is supposed to have happened there.” Xander seemed like he was actually being friendly.

“I’ve never seen any haunts or beasties in it. Did you Buffy?” She looked like she was drifting off in her mind somewhere. Thought I would bring her back to us.

“Only you.” I guess she had been paying attention. We smiled at each other at her comment and Xander was looking confused.

“You’ve been in there?” He asked Buffy like it was an impossible concept.

“It’s attached to his old crypt. That’s where we took showers and stuff.” She explained to him but her eyes kept going to me.

“Really? I never thought about what you all did for that.” He paused for a minute then looked at me. “I have always wanted to see the inside of that place. No one actually went in when we were kids.”

“Let’s go.” I turned and headed in the direction of the house.

“Hey, we are supposed to be patrolling here.” Buffy tried to remind me but I kept walking with Xander right behind me.

“It’s slow. The vamps and demons aren’t going miss us. Are you coming or not?” I hollered back at her. I snickered as I heard her hands slap against her legs after she threw them up in the air. Then she was hurrying to catch up to us so she wasn’t left behind.

“I give up. If the city is overrun by demon attacks don’t anyone complain to me.” She bitched as she started to trail behind us.

It took only a few minutes to reach the old place. At night it gave off ominous vibes. The paint was peeling off leaving bare wood behind. The windows were all boarded up with some of the windows broken behind them. And when the wind blew through them it sounded like the lonely wail of a banshee. Warning people away before harm befell them. The inside of the house was different though. It had always welcomed us like a beloved aunt at whose house you could always find sanctuary. Safe and inviting in its own way.

At the back of the house the boards on one window were loose. You could swing them aside and crawl through the window. I went through first and then Xander and I helped Buffy through. Xander came through last. I started to walk through the house turning on lights as I went.

Xander kept stopping to check something out. Making comments on things that needed to be done. Buffy just followed us not saying anything. We carefully made our way up the stairs that were broken through in some places. You couldn’t even hold onto the banister for support because it was loose and getting ready to fall off.

The first stop was the master bedroom. It had to have been a quite a beauty in its day. I turned to see what Buffy thought of it. She stood in the middle of the room and slowly turned around. Her gaze was taking in the high ceilings, the bay window with a seat and the fireplace. I could tell that she liked it.

“What would you do with it?”

Her head swiveled around to look at me in surprise. I was right. She did have ideas about what to do with the room but thought she had forfeited her right to say anything.

“It’s not mine to decide. Do what you want.” Then she turned to walk out.

Xander and I finished walking around the upstairs. He continued his list of things to be done and a list of tools and materials that I would need. Don’t ask me where it came from because it surprised me too.

“Would you help me with it?” He turned to look at me because I had surprised him too. “I mean I am going to do as much of the work myself. But you know construction and everything so I thought you might have some ideas or could help out.”

Toward the end of my speech my voice started to trail off. His eyes were getting bigger as he contemplated my request. He looked around the upstairs and then back at me. A decision made.

“Sure. It’s a great house.” He shook his head yes. “Yeah, I’ll be glad to help to get it back in shape.” Even though he had said yes to my request he also made it seem he was just interested in the house. One step forward and two steps back.

With that we turned to make our way downstairs. His cell phone went off as we reached the bottom step. He walked off into the living room to take the call. I went off in search of Buffy. She was in the bathroom. Sitting on the counter her hands folded in her lap. There was a hint of tears in her eyes.

I came to stand in front of her forcing her to lift her head and look at me.

“All you have to do is say the word and the decision is yours too.”

“I know.” She shrugged her shoulders and looked away.

“Buffy, don’t do this. Don’t throw us away. I’ll do everything I can to make you happy.” My hand went out to cup her cheek. She rubbed herself against it.

“Baby, I know that too. I don’t doubt that you would give me everything you can. I just don’t know if it’s enough.”

She gently pushed me away and stood up turning to leave me there.

“No one can give you everything.” There was desperation in my words but I couldn’t help it. She was slowly destroying me. But she didn’t stop. Never even acknowledged that she had heard my words.

The three of us ended up meeting in the kitchen. Xander knew something had happened but didn’t ask. We didn’t go back to patrolling but headed for Buffy’s place. We saw her through the front door then we headed back toward Giles’ house. His car and my bike were still parked there.

We didn’t say a lot as we headed back. I was lost in my thoughts of her. As we turned the last corner Xander hesitated.

“I didn’t know that they would get together and I didn’t know that you were doing what you did.” That was all he said. Not really an apology. But then again it was. He was slowly coming around though. And for now it was enough.

Landslide

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVs belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.


Chapter 31 - Landslide


I took my love and took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
‘til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’…ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don’t know…..I don’t know
Well I’ve been afraid of changin’
Because I’ve built my life around you

Before the ink was even dry on the papers I had moved into my house. For over a century I had moved from one place to another. Never wanting or needing permanence. But now it felt good. The changes in me were moving at a rapid pace and to be able to count on at least one constant was a relief. Everything that I had lived by was no longer there. And I needed one thing to hold me down as an anchor. I wandered through the place after the closing touching things and taking it in. To make myself believe that it was real and not a figment of my imagination.

I cleaned out the back bedroom downstairs for me to live in while the rest of the place was being worked on. For right now it was back to sleeping on a mattress on the floor. The only other things that were in the room were a television and a small refrigerator. It was okay. I had survived in less luxurious accommodations than this.

Tara and Willow came over the first night to check out the place. They both thought it was great. And they kept giving me ideas of what to do with it. I laughed and said I would take it into consideration. Before they left Tara said a blessing for the house. That it would only hold happiness and goodness. She was too late. Without Buffy it would always be an empty shell.
But I told her thank you and who knows maybe the blessing would help bring Buffy home.

My life fell into a pattern. I would work on the house during the day. Dawn came over almost every afternoon to help. Kept her doing things where she couldn’t really get hurt. Giles was actually kind of relieved because he knew where she was while he was at the Magic Box.

Two or three times a week Xander would come over to help me with the house. He turned out to be really helpful with everything. He went with me to buy the tools that I would need. I got lost in the store looking at all the things that I could buy to fix the house up. He was laughing at the expression on my face. Said I looked like a school boy with a crush on his teacher as I stared in awe at all the things I could get to restore my house. But as much as possible I would have to find original items or authentic reproductions in order for the house to be returned to its former glory.

At night I would go patrolling with Buffy and usually Xander. Sometimes one of the others would go. And sometimes it would be just me if Buffy had plans with Richard.

And the nights I patrolled alone I would go past her apartment when I was done. To see if Richard was there and if he was I would wait to see when he left. He never stayed late. Always leaving before midnight. They still hadn’t had sex. It wasn’t just the not staying late. It was the way he left. Fully dressed and looking frustrated. And it was also her actions around me. The moment she became his I would know it. Because she wouldn’t be able to handle the guilt. She wouldn’t be able to look me in the eye. With him it wouldn’t be making love. It would be business. She would give him sex in order to get what she wanted. The illusion of normality.

So, my life had become as it had before. Still on the outside. Buffy still not being with me. And me still waiting for her.

But life is full of surprises.

It was the middle of the week and I was ripping up the vinyl floor in the kitchen. Someone had gotten the bright idea of covering the hardwood floor with this appalling green speckled vinyl. I was kneeling on the floor covered in the dirt and dust from the floor when I heard footsteps walking through the living room. I figured it was Dawn showing up for the day.

“Dawn, I’m back here.” I yelled out to her so she would know where I was. She didn’t respond to me which I didn’t think anything of. The floor was giving me trouble and I was ripping at it when out of the corner of my eye I saw a pair of feet at the doorway. The toenails painted a bright red. I stopped what I was doing and followed them up to some very long beautiful legs. As my eyes traveled upwards I heard a giggle. My eyes hurried their appraisal upwards and I found myself looking into a pair of hazel eyes. It was Donna. The girl from the plane when I had gone to Africa.

I sat back on my haunches and stared at her.

“Hi.” She smiled at me and looked me over with awareness in her eyes. I was only wearing a pair of jeans and boots. She didn’t even seem to mind the dirt and grime.

“Hello.” I returned the look. She was dressed in a pair of khaki shorts and a sleeveless white blouse. I could see the lace of her bra through the almost sheer material.

Then our eyes met and we smiled.

“Giles told me where to find you. I’m on my way to a retreat for the next week. And I thought I would stop and see how you were.” She gave a reasonable explanation for her being there. But her eyes said something else. Donna was looking for a walk on the wild side. And in the mood I was in I might even consider giving it to her.

“And what happened to Africa?”

“It got too dangerous and they pulled us out. After the retreat I am heading to Mexico for six months.”

She was letting me know that what she was looking for was a one night stand. A way to appease her curiosity about vampires. The message she was sending was clear even for a girl that was spreading the word of God. Even the saints had an itch to scratch.

“So, do I get to see your house?”

I nodded yes and came to my feet heading toward her. As I passed through the doorway I passed close to her. She didn’t move an inch. Her eyes moved slowly from my chest to meet my eyes. That chill that accompanies the first sexual pull passed through me like lightening. She followed me as I showed her around the place. As we went up the stairs she took my hand so she wouldn’t fall through. Her hand was soft in mine. It felt good to be wanted. My ego definitely needed the stroking. So, I flirted back.

After the tour I showed her into my room. Told her to make herself comfortable while I took a shower. She slid back on the mattress picking up the book I was reading. I grabbed some clean clothes and headed to the bathroom.

When I came back out I found Dawn with her. As soon as she realized I was there Dawn became quiet and looked sheepish. Donna smiled at me with amusement. Apparently she now knew quite a bit about Buffy and me. Dawn was defending her sister’s turf. She still believed that there was going to be a happy ending.

Nothing ever happens the way you wanted. Dawn was firmly planted there. Telling me that Giles had to go away for the afternoon and I was supposed to ‘watch’ her until he got back that night. We ended up spending the rest of the afternoon talking. Donna won Dawn over sharing tales of her travels. I had been most of the places she had been so we had a lot to talk about. Dawn just kept asking questions to keep the conversation going.

When it started to get dark the girls were hungry so we headed out to a small Italian restaurant near the Bronze. We rode in Donna’s rental car with her driving. Dawn sat in the back seat giving me dirty looks in the mirror. When she caught me staring at Donna’s legs she thumped me on the back of the head.

I laughed at her and Donna looked back at her.

“I’m not going to take him away from you. I’ll be gone tomorrow. Okay?” She told her trying to get her to get calm down.

But we just riled her some more as we slid into a booth on the same side. Dawn sat across from us her arms crossed.

“Dawn, I’ll take you over to Xander’s if you don’t quit.”

As we went through dinner she started to calm down a bit. Then they got back into the swing of things as Donna drew her out. Asking her about school and the kind of boys that she liked. And as she talked I realized how she could do what she did. She was totally open and full of self confidence. There was nothing shy about her at all. The whole time she was making friends with Dawn her leg was pressed to mine. Hip to hip. Thigh to thigh. All the way down to our calves.

I watched them eat their dinner. Stealing bites from both of them. It was relaxed and fun. They were both laughing and making me laugh. We decided to go the Bronze when they were done eating.

Donna didn’t want a drink because she had to drive so I went up to the bar. Had a quick shot of whiskey and then went back to them with a beer for me and sodas for them. I looked around seeing if anyone we knew were there. But no one seemed to be there. When I looked back at them they were sharing a conspiratorial look.

“Drink up.” Donna told me smiling at me. Who was I to argue with a lady? I downed the beer in a few swallows. She took the cup from me and put it down with hers then reached for my hand. Dawn took a hold of my other. They began to drag me to the dance floor. I put on an appropriate show of protesting. But I knew like they did that I could pull away anytime that I wanted. They didn’t stop until we were in the middle of the floor.

They started to dance around me.

“Come on. Let loose and have some fun.” Donna laughed up at me. Then she moved behind me putting her hands on my hips. “Shake the butt, boy.” Dawn took a hold of my hands and was moving them with her. Between the one in back of me and the one in front my body was soon moving to the music.

With Buffy I was afraid of appearing to be a fool. So, I preferred not to even try. With the two of them it didn’t seem to matter. I actually let loose and danced for a while. As Dawn moved off with a friend from school I moved Donna into my arms. She was soft and willing. But something just didn’t feel right. Before I could make a decision Dawn was making her way back. And we separated.

We moved off the floor toward the pool tables. Dawn was still learning so I let her break some of the rules. Donna was different. The girl could play. She beat me twice laughing at my astonishment.

Giles called to check on Dawn and let us know he was home now. I told him that I was bringing her back. Dawn wasn’t happy about that. But I insisted with my eye on Donna. When we pulled up to the house Dawn asked me to walk her to the door.

“How could you? What about Buffy?” She was not happy about what was going on. One to one she liked Donna but she didn’t want me involved with her. On any level. For any length of time.

“Dawn, it’s none of your business. And Buffy was the one who left me.” I reminded her as gently as I could.

“Well, if you do anything I will never forgive you.” With that announcement she turned and flounced off into the house.

“She okay?” Donna asked me as I slid into the car.

“Yeah, she’ll be fine.”

I reached for her hand as we headed back to my place.

“So, where are you staying?” She wasn’t supposed to be at the retreat until tomorrow sometime. I figured she had checked into a hotel somewhere.

“Umm, I didn’t make any arrangements.” She never took her eyes off the road.

“Pretty sure of yourself aren’t you?”

“Was I right?” This time she looked over at me. The question in her eyes of whether or not I would let her into my bed.

And now that it was here. I felt something move in my heart. The fear about being with someone other than Buffy and how much it would hurt her if she found out. When my silence became too long she glanced over at me.

“You really love her don’t you?”

I closed my eyes and leaned my head on the back of the seat.

“Really do.” I answered both of her questions at the same time. “I guess I am pretty much a chump.”

She squeezed my hand that was still holding hers.

“No. Just loyal.”

When we pulled into the driveway I asked her to come in anyway. She turned the car off and followed me up. I went to get her a soda and the bottle of whiskey for me. We sat on the front steps and talked. She was a good listener as well as talker. I pretty much covered everything that had happened in the last couple of years. And she told me how she had come to be a missionary.

Then somewhere later in the night I turned to her. Her eyes were soft with compassion and wanting. Buffy was gone from my life. And Donna was here.

I leaned toward her. And she started to lean toward me. Our lips met hesitantly. Seeking and learning the curves of the other’s lips. When I drew back she put her hand on the back of my head and pulled me back to her. I went willingly. Her tongue was gentle as she sought entrance to my mouth. I followed her lead. Deepening the kiss. Letting the passion start to build.

My hand curved around her hips as I scooted closer to her. As I reached to pull her body closer to me to make the move to relieve both of our aches. She suddenly drew back from me.

“I have to go.”

She stood and waited for me to stand.

“I’m not a tease. But where I wouldn’t have any regrets I think you would. And I don’t want to be remembered as a mistake.”

She was right. It felt good now but tomorrow things might change. When things couldn’t be undone. I followed her out to her car and kissed her one more time. She slipped behind the wheel and told me she would call me when she got back from Mexico.

I watched the car until it disappeared from view. As I went back into the house I picked up the glasses and the bottle and took them in with me. My cell phone was ringing as I stepped into my bedroom. Picking it up I saw it was Dawn. Yeah, big surprise.

“Hello.’

“Spike, I’ve been calling for hours.”

“Dawn. I told you that it was none of your business.” I thought I was going to get yelled at. Bitched at. But she started to cry choking out a good-bye before she broke the connection.

My frustration level was getting out of control. These women were pulling my emotions all over the place. Playing with them. And not one of them seeming to care if I was happy about any of it. I grabbed the keys to the bike and headed out. First I drove by Buffy’s to make sure his car wasn’t parked there. It wasn’t. I turned the bike off and made my way to her bedroom window.

I pressed my ear to the glass listening for any sounds. The fan was blowing softly and I could hear her turn over mumbling in her sleep. She was there and she was alone. With a sense of relief I left.

My next stop was to see Dawn. Climbed up on the roof of the porch and knocked softly on her window.

“Who is it?” She called out.

“Shhh. Dawn it’s me.”

She came over to open the window.

“What are you doing here?” She kept looking over her shoulder. I guess she was afraid Giles would come in. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen from crying.

“I just wanted to check on you.” I was concerned about her. She was too involved with Buffy and me getting back together. I wasn’t the only one paying the price for this mess.

“I’m fine. No thanks to you.” She sniffed dramatically.

“She’s gone and nothing happened. Okay?”

She responded with a big grin. After that I told her good-night and slipped away. As I returned home I realized that I was alone again. And it didn’t feel good. I wondered what Buffy would do if I went to her apartment and slipped into her bed. Stake me most likely.

But it didn’t stop me from dreaming about her. No matter what she did she couldn’t take that away from me.

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