Baby Did A Bad Thing

by Mrs. Muir

Chapter 40 - Hero

I am so high, I can hear heaven
Whoa, but heaven…no, heaven don't hear me
And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away
Someone told me
Love would all save us
But, how can that be
Look what love gave us
A world full of killing
And blood spilling
That world never came
Now that the world isn't ending
It's love that I'm sending to you
It's in the love of a hero
And that's why I fear it won't do
Chad Kroeger

She had left with him as planned on Saturday morning. Dawn had called me crying when the plane took off. Until the last moment she didn’t think that Buffy would actually leave. I had told her to be patient that eventually she would return to us. But it’s hard to convince someone else of that when I had a hard time believing it myself.

A part of me still thought that this would all work out. That this trip was just a way to tie up loose ends and finish her relationship with him. A week wasn’t forever and she would come back to me. To all of us. And when she did we would start a life together.

Then there was the part of me that kept saying it was over. This part I hated. It was all my insecurities and fears wrapped up in a very vocal part. It kept telling me that I was a fool to even hope that someone like her could love me.

I hated her. I loved her. She was turning me inside out. And upside down. I just wanted to know. One way or another if she wanted to be with me. It wasn’t her love I doubted but whether or not I was good enough to build a life with. To share her hopes and dreams. To be a part of her days and nights for the rest of her life.

And that scared me too. Her life. To give everything I had to a human. She was a human that would only exist for a fraction of the time that I would. And eventually I would have to watch her wither away and die. Leaving me to live eternity without her.

Okay, too many thoughts as I sat alone in my house. Smoking one cigarette after another as I tried to visualize what she was doing. The day slowly ebbed away and I still didn’t move. As the darkness settled around me like a blanket. I wondered detachedly if I would still be sitting there when she got back. Had everything ceased to exist while she was gone? And had I also ceased to be?

I really don’t know how long I would have sat there if they hadn’t come to find me. Of course they didn’t knock. They just walked in like they were welcome. I watched their shadows move into the room as I wondered why they mattered to me. And if I could if I would still leave them bloodless and dead. Or if I would cradle them to me and protect them.

Xander reached for the light switch causing my eyes to blink as the room flooded with light. Anya stood beside him. Behind them were Willow and Tara hand in hand. I just stared at them as I took a deep drag from my cigarette and then reached over to crush it out. I exhaled the smoke that still remained in my lungs and waited. It was their show. Let them talk first.

“Well, just as we thought. He has gone into deep depressed mood.” Willow commented as she looked at me.

“Not depressed.” I mumbled to her lying about the black cloud that surrounded me. Looked away from them to stare at the floor between my feet.

I heard them laugh as if I had told a joke. The tears burned behind my eyelids and I blinked them away. Time enough for that when she took the last of my hopes away.

“Come on, you worthless, lazy vampire. It’s time to get out of here.” Xander came over and put a hand on my shoulder.

“And do you know how much I want you dead.” I looked up at him with his big goofy grin on his face. Yeah, smash it into a bloody pulp.

“And do you know how much I want to stake you. Let’s see, chip man, who would win? Get up and let’s go.” He didn’t believe me. And I didn’t either. Time had caused a familiarity between us. The old insults were still tossed about but now they were laced with an almost brotherly affection.

“And where might we be going?” I asked him.

“We rented movies and are going back to my place. Someplace that has air conditioning to watch them.” He explained to me. The heat of the day had relentlessly stayed into the night. The inside of my house had a heavy humid feel to it.

“Sounds like a right fine time for a vampire. Hanging out with food and watching movies.” I didn’t really want to go. Just wanted to stay here and drown in my misery.

“But we need you to be the VCR man.” Anya piped up and when I gave her a funny look she explained why. “Because you’re the single one. You work the VCR so we don’t have to move.”

Tara and Willow giggled but stopped as soon as I flashed them a dirty look. But then I smiled at them. The two of them lately had been lost in each other. And it was good to see. They waited for me to make up my mind. Eventually I gave in and went with them. What else was there to do?

We decided to stop at the corner store to pick up beer and stuff. The beer was the only thing I was really concerned about. But they all wanted different snacks and drinks so once we were in the store we separated. Willow and Tara went off to look for ice cream, Anya to get chips and Xander and I went for the liquid refreshment.

I was carrying the beer and Xander the soda when I looked up and saw the man that would change our lives forever. None of us would ever look at life again the same way. They all grew up in one moment and I took another step to being one of them.

This man stood just inside the door nervously looking about.

“Everybody freeze. No one moves unless I tell you to.” He shouted out to the clerk and patrons as he lifted a gun into the air. I immediately looked to see where the girls were. Tara and Willow were coming around the corner their heads together as they whispered to each other. As they rounded the end of the aisle the man turned toward them. His gun pointed right at Tara. As she looked up her eyes grew wide in fright as she realized what was happening. His finger began to depress the trigger and I realized that it was too late.

“Noooooooooooooooooooo.”

To this day I can’t tell you who screamed it. I dropped the beer and jumped toward Tara. To my left I saw Xander move. My arm snagged her around the waist and pulled her to the floor. The shot reverberated around us. I fell on the floor partially on top of Willow and Tara was on top of me.

“It’s okay. Everything is okay. I moved her out of the way. Everybody is just fine..”

I lay there for a second in shock. Feeling their bodies around mine. Then the blood flowed over me. Sticky and warm. Its sweet scent filled the air around me.

“No. No. She’s not hurt. You are imagining it.”

I laid her on the floor as I shifted out from under her.

“Tara. Tara, Baby, wake up.” Willow was sobbing hysterically as she bent over Tara. I stared down at her in disbelief. At the blood that was flowing from the wound on her shoulder.

“Blood. It’s everywhere. Feed. No. Not feed. She can’t live without it. It has to stay in her. Have to stop it from leaving her. Come on. Fifty years of watching medical shows. What do I do?”

I looked around me and saw paper towels on the shelf. In one motion I grabbed it and ripped them from their package then the roll in half. I picked her up and laid her on her side. Her head cradled on Willow’s lap. The bullet had gone straight through her shoulder. The blood was flowing from both sides of her. I put half of the towels on one side and half on the other.

“Put pressure on it. There has to be pressure for it to stop.”

Willow kept running her fingers through her hair as she rocked back and forth. An endless litany of ‘I love you’ and ‘Don’t leave me’ was spoken through her tears.

“Good. It will stop now. She’ll be okay now. She’ll be okay. She’ll be okay. Don’t go away. Let her die. Fresh blood. Has been so long. No. Tara is my friend. Don’t vamp out. Don’t vamp out. Whatever you do don’t do the vampire thing.””

The sound of scuffling finally reached me. From the front of the store came the sound of cursing and flesh hitting flesh. A moment of silence then another shot rang out.

“No. No. Xander. Be okay. Xander. Was supposed to take care of them. Fucking failure.”

The gunman appeared in front of me as he ran from the store. Then in the parking lot he fell clutching his chest. I looked at Willow. Her eyes were black as she stared at him.

“Xander. No, Xander, don’t die. I need you.” Anya screamed out.

“Willow.” I shouted at her. She turned to me still lost in her pain somewhere. “Hold this. You have to hold this so I can check on Xander.”

She stared blankly at me for a moment then shook her head. Her trembling hands reached to cover mine. I slipped mine out and pressed on hers so she would apply the pressure on Tara’s wound.

“My hands. My hands are covered with blood. Tara’s blood. Oh my god. Tara’s life is covering me.”

I stood and headed for the sound of Anya’s cries. I turned to go down the aisle and slipped. My feet sliding in Xander’s blood that lay in a pool on the floor. As I landed on my hip I winced from the pain as it jarred through me. Turning onto my stomach I crawled to Xander. He was laying there with his eyes closed. I reached a shaking hand out to lay it on his chest. To feel for his heart to make sure that it was still beating.

“Thank God. He is still alive. Not dead yet. They’re not dead yet. Have to help him. Think. God damn it. Think.”

“Anya, he’s still alive.” I told her calmer than I felt. The bullet had ripped through his upper leg leaving it a mess.

“It’s hurts like a son of a bitch.” Xander spoke through gritted teeth. His eyes watched every move I made. As I looked around an idea came to me and I reached toward Anya pulling on her belt.

“Take it off. Need to stop him from bleeding.”

She pulled it off and I tied it around his thigh above his injury. I knew I needed to get back to Tara. Willow wasn’t in the frame of mind to keep holding the pressure. I told Xander to hang on and he nodded slightly in response. Then I told Anya to call me if anything changed. I didn’t even try to stand up. Just crawled across the floor toward the birds. As I slid around to hold onto Tara again. Someone kneeled in front of us and said that an ambulance was on the way.

“Can’t handle this. Please don’t let them die.” I wiped my tears on my shoulder. “Buffy will never forgive me if they die. I need them. Love them. When the hell did that happen?”

I stayed there trying to keep Tara from bleeding anymore. Lights flashed in the parking lot. People came into the store. Some toward Xander. Some toward us. Someone moved my hands from her and told me to get out of the way. I crab walked back till I hit the counter and couldn’t go any further. Sat down on my butt and watched as they worked on them. A paramedic came to kneel in front of me.

“Sir, are you hurt?” I stared blankly at her. “Who the hell is sir? I’m a vampire. Why the fuck do they care if I am hurt or not.”

“Sir, you are covered in blood. Is any of it yours?” She asked me again. I finally shook my head at her as I stared at my hands. Moved them slowly around inspecting them. There wasn’t any part of them that wasn’t covered in blood. I looked down at myself. My stomach and legs were all soaked in it like I had taken a bath in it.

“Look at you. Covered in blood. Their blood and all you can think of us if they are okay. If you were a decent vampire you would be rejoicing in the carnage. You are pathetic. No. Not pathetic. Family. They are my family. My family.”

It went through me like a shock. I didn’t know exactly when it had happened. When exactly did they go from being my enemies to my friends to my family? But they were now. I wouldn’t be alone anymore as I felt them through my heart and soul.

“They’re leaving. They are being loaded up and taken away. Where’s Buffy? I need Buffy. Have to be with them.”

I stood on legs that were shaking and tried to follow. But they wouldn’t let me into the ambulances with any of them. I saw the shooter was being loaded into one of the ambulances and wondered why they were bothering.

“I have to go with them. They are my family.” I said to no one in particular. A police officer next to me turned to look at me and then yelled out for someone to get me a blanket. That I was going into shock. A blanket was laid across my shoulders as I was led to a police car. They said they would give me a ride to the hospital. I followed them without reservations my mind was occupied with the others. They put me in the back of the car closing the door behind me. One of them went to check his rearview mirror and I scooted down in the seat so he wouldn’t realize I didn’t have any reflection.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Blood everywhere. Need to feed. Can’t feed. Lick it off your hands. No, it’s their blood. Family. Not food.”

I started to shake uncontrollably as I huddled there. My stomach was queasy as I inhaled the sweet scent of fresh human blood.

“Just a taste. Just a taste. No one will ever know. NO. I would. I would know.”

My hand seemed to move involuntarily toward my mouth. The vampire tickled my face as he tried to surge toward the surface. My stomach lurched.

“Oh, my God I am going to be sick. Stop the car.” I called out. When the car stopped the one police officer in the passenger seat moved to open the door for me to get out. I staggered away from them and sank to my knees. I didn’t even know I could do this as I emptied my stomach onto the grass. Blood. I threw up the blood that I had drunk earlier. It was all I could taste as it coated my mouth. Causing me to retch some more.

My stomach finally calmed down a little and I slipped back into the car. My arms wrapped around myself as I practically lay on the seat. I didn’t move until we reached the hospital.

“It’s okay. They are okay. I’m okay. Fuck. Everybody is okay. Giles. Oh my God. I have to call Giles. I have to let him know.”

The car stopped at the entrance to the emergency room. One of them came to help me out of the car. He walked into the hospital waiting room with me. I spotted Willow and Anya sitting together holding hands to keep from feeling alone. When they saw me they stood and ran toward me. I stopped them before they could hug me. If they touched me the blood would get all over them. Willow was cleaned up and wearing scrubs now.

“How are they?” I asked them hoping they had some information on their condition.

“They’re working on them. We don’t know anything yet.” Willow explained to me then motioned for me to follow her to the nurse’s desk. She asked the nurse on duty if I could have something to change in to. The nurse took one look at my condition and told me to follow her. She pointed me to a bathroom and handed me a set of scrubs. Leaving me alone to get cleaned up and changed.

I emptied out my pockets then peeled my clothes from my body. They ended up in a trash can. They weren’t worth saving. I looked down at the blood that still clung to my stomach and legs. The trembling started again as I tried to wash the blood from me. With only paper towels it didn’t want to come off. It mixed with the water as I wrung out the towels and I watched it as it swirled down the drain. The water making it lose its intensity and in the end was a bright pink as it vanished.

“What the hell am I doing? Pretending to be one of them. I’m a fucking vampire. Blood isn’t supposed to make me sick. It’s food. I am covered in my food. No, it’s not food. It’s Tara and Xander. It’s a part of them. Love them.”

I fell to my knees again trying to throw up again but my stomach was empty from the last time.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Where was Buffy? We need her. She isn’t here. I need her. God, need to call her. Need to hear her voice.”

I forced myself to stand and to pull on the scrubs. After grabbing my stuff I stepped into the hallway again. There was a pay phone hanging on the wall across from me. After finding the right change I dialed the number for Giles. Thankfully he answered because I didn’t think I could talk to Dawn right now.

“Giles, there’s been an accident.”

“What happened?” His voice was instantly alert and filled with concern. I could see him standing there rubbing his brow.

“Tara and Xander. They’re doing okay. At least I think. They were shot.” I didn’t say it in the best way. Just threw it out there and let him deal. At least I hoped so because I was beyond dealing.

“That was all of you. I…we saw it on the news.” He stammered it out. His voice began to crack as he put us together with whatever he had seen on TV. “We’ll be right there.”

He hung up without saying anything else to me. When I returned to the waiting room they were back in the same place. I walked over to them and gestured for them to make room for me. They moved apart just enough for me to sit between them. Anya took my hand squeezing it hard in her fear and Willow moved to lay her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her to pull her closer to me. My fingers softly stroked her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her.

We were still sitting like that when Giles and Dawn came running through the door. Dawn didn’t stop until she was in front of us. Willow moved away from me to make room for her. She sat between us with her legs draped over mine.

“Have you heard anything yet?” Giles asked me as he stood over us.

“No, not yet.”

He went to sit on the other side of Anya taking her free hand. We were like one being all connected together by touch. None of us talked as we waited for news of the other two.

“We need to call Buffy.” Dawn announced when another 45 minutes passed without news.

“No, she can’t do anything from there. We’ll wait until we know what’s going on.” Giles answered her. I was so glad that he was there. He knew what to do when all I could do was fumble my way through this. This was totally out of my realm of experience.

Finally a doctor came to see us. He was some young guy that I didn’t like from the first moment. Just from the way he looked.

“Ummm, the patient…the girl…” He stopped as he started to fumble with this chart apparently looking for a name. I really hoped that he was a better doctor than a human being.

“Her name is Tara.” I told him with so much force that Dawn jumped in my arms. The doctor looked from his chart to me startled that I would actually stand up to him like that. But it wasn’t right that he would reduce her to being a non-person. No one was going to do that with me around.

“I’m sorry, sir, you’re girlfriend.” That did it. Willow stood up and faced him.

“She’s my girlfriend. And if you are done being an ass, could you tell me how she is.”

The doctor actually took a step back as he came under fire of Willow’s anger.

“She is going to be fine. The bullet passed through the shoulder without hitting a bone or major artery. Would you like to see her?”

Willow nodded at him and started to follow him.

“Xander? What about Xander?” Anya cried out to him. Her patience was wearing thin waiting for word on him.

The doctor turned to look back at her.

“I’ll check and have someone come tell you. Okay?”

“That’s fine. But hurry.” I answered for her. Just wanted to let the doctor know that he had better watch it or he would answer to me. They were with me and I would take care of them. It was only a few minutes later that another doctor approached us. She smiled as she came toward us. I could feel Anya relax beside me.

“Hi, I’m Dr McGowan. Are you all with Xander?”

Anya stood and we followed her up. She kept her hold on Giles and me as she faced the doctor.
“Is he okay? Is Xander all right?” She anxiously asked her.

“He is stable right now. They are taking him up to surgery right now.”

She went ahead and explained to us that the bullet had hit the bone and they needed to clean it up and set his leg. It looked liked everything would be fine. She proceeded to tell us how to get to the surgical waiting room. We could wait for further word there.

While Giles went with Anya and Dawn upstairs I went to check on Willow and Tara. I asked Giles if he would call Buffy once they got upstairs. Although I really wanted to talk to her I was afraid of breaking down with her. Not that I minded her knowing that I was upset it was just that I was afraid of begging her to come back. Letting all the emotions I had been holding back come gushing out and I would end up making an ass out of myself. Let Giles handle it. That was my last thought as I stepped into the exam room where Tara was.

“Hey, you two.”

“Hi, Spike.” Tara looked so pale lying there. Her arm was in a sling and there was a bandage peeking out from under her gown.

“You doing better?” I stepped closer to them. Willow was sitting next to her bed holding her hand. I walked over to the other side and looked down at her.

“Yeah, thanks to you.” She smiled up at me. I was so glad that she was going to be okay. Life without Tara’s serenity and kindness would have a huge gaping hole in it.

“You’re welcome.” I leaned forehead and placed a kiss on her forehead. Then I gently brushed back a piece of her hair.

“How is Xander?” Willow looked up at me with concern for her friend on her face.

I explained to them what I knew about Xander. Willow seemed to relax a bit when she heard the news. I only stayed with them for a few minutes before heading back upstairs to check on the others.

When I came off the elevator Giles was on a pay phone talking to Buffy. He was telling her that it looked like they would both be okay. I came up beside him and waited for him to finish. He mouthed to me asking if I wanted to talk to her and I shook my head no. Then told him I would talk to her later.

“No, Buffy, it wasn’t a demon attack. It was a…human trying to rob the store. He’s here in the hospital. Apparently he had a heart attack in the parking lot of the store.”

He continued to talk with her for a few more minutes describing their injuries and letting her know that we were all okay. Finally he told her that he would call her in the morning to give her an update.

“She’s not coming back?” I asked him when he hung up the phone. We turned to start toward the waiting room. I could see Dawn and Anya waiting in chairs across from each other.

“I told her that we would see how they were in the morning. Then if necessary she could make arrangements to return.”

I didn’t understand it. She should have been on the next plane home. Why wasn’t she coming home if they mattered as much as she said they did? The logic of the matter didn’t phase my righteous anger. That there wasn’t really anything she couldn’t do anything tonight. To attempt to leave tonight would only put Richard’s family out. To make arrangements to return tomorrow did make sense but not to me. Not then. Maybe I was looking for a reason to be mad at her. The real reason I wanted to be angry wasn’t allowed since I had been the one to tell her to go with him. At least here I could check on her not like being halfway across the country from me.

I sat down next to Dawn moving so that she could curl into my side. My arm around her shoulder again. Being here reminded her of when Joyce was sick. It only made her afraid that she would lose someone else. And the fact that Buffy wasn’t here wasn’t helping her state of mine. This only made me angrier with Buffy.

It was a couple of more hours before we heard word about Xander. By that time Willow was with us. She had been kicked out of Tara’s room after they had given her a sedative to sleep through the night. A different doctor came out after a while to us to let us know that everything had gone well. Xander was going to be fine. But he would be in a cast for a month or so while the leg healed. He would be in recovery for a few hours and only after they had determined that everything was good would he be moved to a room. They said we wouldn’t be allowed to see him until morning so we may as well go home for the night.

Anya was distraught. She thought that it was unfair that she couldn’t see him when Willow had been able to see Tara. But we managed to convince her that to wait until tomorrow would be the best idea. Letting him get some rest would be the best thing for him. The four of us left the hospital in a somber mood. It had been a long night and we were worn out from the stress. I suggested that we all go back to Giles’s and spend the night. It was late anyway and they would want to leave first thing in the morning to come back to the hospital.

Once we got back to the house Giles acted like the mother hen and made everybody tea. And after we had all gotten a cup he started to bustle about figuring out where everybody would sleep. Dawn suggested that she and I go to pick up supplies for Willow and Anya. She had already lent them some pajamas so they could go ahead to bed. I hugged and kissed them both good night before we left.

Giles lent me his car to drive so we could get there and back faster. Dawn went with me because I felt uncomfortable roaming through their personal things. Things went fine at Willow and Tara’s place. I waited in the living room while Dawn packed a bag for Willow. From there we headed to Anya’s place. While Dawn was packing her some clothes I headed into the bathroom to get the stuff on her list. She had been very precise on what she needed and we were trying to hurry because it was almost sunrise by then. I reached into her medicine cabinet to get some things. As I swung the door closed I glanced into the mirror. Only seeing the room behind me. I wasn’t there. I reached my hand up and ran it over the cold glass.

“You are nothing. See there is only empty space where you are. They don’t see you either. No one sees you. That’s why Buffy left. To be with someone good enough for her.”

The pressure of the night finally hit me. The fear of losing them. The family I had just realized I had. I stared into the room that didn’t show me existing. I drew back my fist and made contact with the mirror.

“Quit your bloody lies. I am somebody.” I shouted as the mirror shattered into a thousand pieces and then the cabinet fell from the wall. I stared down at my bleeding hand with the shards of glass dotting it.

“Spike, are you okay?” Dawn stood in the doorway looking at me. When she saw the mess I had made her eyes opened wide. “Anya is going to be so mad.” She sort of laughed until she saw my hand. I stared at her with vacant eyes. I was feeling overwhelmed at all that had happened and all I could think of that I wanted was to curl up next to Buffy. But she wasn’t here for me. She wasn’t coming back.

Dawn walked up to me and took me by the arm. She led me into the dining room and made me sit down. The things that I had collected were taken from me and put in the pile with the clothes she had gotten together. She sat across me so she could pick the glass from my hand. I watched her with detachment as the pieces were pulled from me. When she had gotten the last piece she took me over to the sink to wash the blood away. More blood. It just never seemed to go away. It would never go away. I closed my eyes as the tears began to fall.

Dawn reached out and hugged me. Her arms tight around me as she rocked me in an effort to comfort me. I put my hand on the back of her head then laid my head on the top of hers. It felt so good just to have someone hold me. With no motive other than to take care of me. No complications.

“Dawn.”

“Yeah?”

She pulled back to look up at me. My shaking hand reached out to touch her face. Her skin soft beneath mine.

“That night in the Bronze when you introduced me as your brother. I just want you to know that in my heart that you are my sister.”

“I know.” Then she smiled up at me. It was going to be okay. No matter what happened in the end it would turn out okay. “Come on. We need to hurry before the sun gets up.”

She put Anya’s stuff into a bag and we hurried out to the car. We got back to the house just as the sun was peeking over the horizon. I took the bags upstairs and put them just inside their doors. Then went back downstairs to collapse on the couch. Dawn had pulled the curtains shut so the sun wouldn’t get to me. . As I lay down she covered me with a blanket softly kissing me on the cheek.

“Good night, Spike.”

Soon it was all gone and I was sound asleep. She was there when I went to sleep and she was there when I woke up. Because the next thing I knew Dawn was gently shaking my shoulder rousing me into wakefulness. I opened my eyes to see her sitting on the coffee table beside me.

“Hi.” She reminded me of a mother that was patiently trying to wake their child for school. In her hand was a cup of blood for me. I could smell its scent drifting toward me. It called out to me. Letting me know that I needed it. That I couldn’t survive without it. The only thing in my mind though was all the blood that covered the floor of the store last night. Their blood. All I wanted to do was refuse it. I could live without it for awhile so I looked away from it.

“We need you to be strong.” Dawn laid a hand on my arm. Somehow she knew where my head was. I forced myself to sit up and take the cup from her. Then without taking the time to think about it I downed it one long continuous gulp. Then I waited for her approval. This came in the form of another smile.

“What’s going on?” I asked because I knew they had all been up and doing things while I slept.
She told me that Willow and Anya were at the hospital. Tara would be released tomorrow. They wanted to watch her one more day. Xander was awake and doing okay. He was pissed because he wouldn’t be able to work for a couple of months. Giles was on his way back to pick the two of us up to go visit.

“And Buffy?”

“She can’t be bothered. Giles has talked to her but as far as I know she isn’t coming back until the end of the week. Just like nothing had happened.”

Dawn was upset with her again. But I couldn’t excuse Buffy this time. I needed her too and she wasn’t here. She was off with her dream come true and couldn’t be bothered with those of us here. The discarded ones. A part of me whispered that I was assuming things again and that I should talk to Giles first. Find out what they had talked about. But I was too hurt and angry to care what her excuses were. As far as I was concerned she should have been on the first plane back.

“Hello.”

Dawn and I turned to look at Giles as he walked into the room. He was showing the strain of the last twenty-four hours himself. His hair was sticking up in tufts in places from where he had been running his hand through it.

“I hope you don’t mind, Spike, I stopped by your house and picked you up some clothes.” He gestured toward a bag that he was carrying.

“Thanks. I will be glad to get out of these things.” I told him while pulling at the top of the scrubs that I was still wearing. “I’m going to go and take a shower. Put some clothes on.”

“All right. I told Anya and Willow that we would be back to the hospital in time to take them to get some dinner.” He had been with them all day. Probably going from one room to the other taking care of them. And now he was exhausted.

“Do you want me to handle things tonight and let you get some rest?” I offered to give the guy a break since they had let me sleep all day.

“No. No. I want to be there.”

After I had cleaned up we went to the hospital to visit. A quick stop in the gift shop produced flowers for Tara and junk food for Xander. Like what the hell were we going to get him in a hospital gift shop? But it was to show him that we hadn’t forgotten him.

They were both in pretty good spirits considering how much they had gone through. Both thanked me for what I had done and I let them know that it wasn’t necessary. I did what I had to do. There was no thought into it. They had been hurt and I wanted to make it go away.

We cajoled Willow and Anya down to the cafeteria for them to get something to eat. The nurses were grateful anyway because it was that time for them to check everything and dispense medication. We stayed at the hospital until they kicked us out. Everybody ended up back at Giles’s house again. No one really wanted to be alone. Except for me.

Once everyone had settled in for the night I excused myself to head for home. I really needed some privacy. Giles stopped me on the way out.

“Are you doing okay?” He asked me while searching my face for a sign of what was troubling me.

“Yeah, I am fine. I just thought…Forget it’s nothing.” It was the whole Buffy thing the more time that went by without her the angrier I got.

“No, tell me. Maybe I can help you out.” Giles was a good man but he loved Buffy like a daughter. No matter how much he liked me he would always defend her first. I could understand it. And it was something that I admired about him. Loyal to the end.

“Giles, it’s my problem and I’ll handle it. Okay?”

The phone started to ring saving me from answering any more questions. I waved to him and turned to leave. As I opened the door he called out my name and I turned back to see what he needed.

“Never mind, I’ll talk to you later.” He told me then returned to his phone call. As I walked out the door I heard him saying something about being sure of waiting. But I didn’t try to figure out what he was talking about. My mind was already somewhere else. On a little blond Slayer that was tearing me apart. I decided then it was over. The game was minus one player. Let her go and do what she wanted I wasn’t going to wait anymore.

And it was time to celebrate my decision. A bottle of whiskey would be my companion tonight. Let myself get totally and completely wasted. Then tomorrow I would start my new life. Right outside of the liquor store I took my first drink straight from the bottle. And then headed home to finish my party alone.

Chapter 41 - The Rose / Part 1

Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
And you its only seed
It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid waking
That never takes a chance
It’s the one who won’t be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.

There was not a part of my body that didn’t ache from exhaustion. It was an effort to keep the wheel of the Desoto on the road. I hadn’t slept since Giles called me yesterday. The first thing that I thought of when he said there had been an accident was Spike and that I hadn’t been there to protect him. Somehow his words had penetrated and I understood that it was Tara and Xander. Then another set of guilt took hold. Spike could handle himself. They couldn’t. It was my job to protect. It was who I was. And I was off in another state trying to hide from that fact when they needed me.

The news had done a double whammy on me. First I realized how much I wanted to be with Spike. And that I was an idiot for wanting to be anywhere than at home with them. Actually three because when I realized how careless I had been with Spike’s heart a pain like nothing I had ever felt ripped through me. Richard almost had to call an ambulance for me as I became more and more hysterical from my epiphany. I was hyperventilating from crying so hard and my stomach went into revolt. The poor guy had to watch me fall apart over someone else. And the fact that I was hurting him only made me worse.

They finally gave me a drink of bourbon to help me calm down. I tried to sleep but all I could do was toss and turn. Finally as morning came the first thing I did was call Giles. Told him that I was going to make arrangements to come home as soon as possible. But that was easier said than done. It seemed like everybody in fucking Dallas was trying to get to California. I ended up taking a flight into San Diego where I had to transfer planes. Finally after what seemed forever I got to Sunnydale. When I called Giles to tell him I was in town he had called out to Spike to wait. But I told him not to tell him I was there. I wanted him to be surprised when he saw me.

After going home briefly to shower and change I headed for the hospital to see my friends. They didn’t want to let me in since it was after visiting hours. I lied saying that I was their sister and had just come in from out of town to see them. That I just wanted to peek in on them and then I would leave them alone. My plane tickets helped and I got a few minutes with each of them. Tara was sleeping and I didn’t disturb her. But really all I wanted to know was that she was okay. I left her a note saying that I had been there and would be back in the morning.

Xander was awake and restless as anything. He was flipping channels on the television. As soon as he saw me he held his arms out to me. I ran to him so glad to be home and that they were okay. He hugged me tightly telling me that he was happy that I was there. I started to cry again when he told me. I was still wanted even after what I had done. But when I told him that he told me in no uncertain terms that if I ever hurt Spike again he would kick my butt. I looked at him in surprise. His eyes were filled with admiration and affection for my vampire.

Giles was right. He was now a part of them. And they were a part of him. I was glad. He deserved the feeling of being a part of a family. Now he would never be just Buffy’s boyfriend. Maybe some good had come out of my stupidity. Because I don’t think they would have bonded as well if I had been with him all summer.

My last stop before going to him was Giles’s house. He told me that everybody else was there. Willow and Anya welcomed me with open arms. Giles had held me in his gentle way welcoming me back. It was Dawn that gave me the trouble. She was angry with me for not getting back sooner and for hurting Spike. I was told about his incident with the mirror and that it was my fault that his self-esteem was so bad. She was told that, yeah, some of it was my fault but a lot of people had contributed to it before I ever got there. Then I told her I wasn’t leaving the house until we had made up. And the longer that I sat there the longer it would be until I was with him. She was on her feet and pulling me up before I could even get the sentence out. I was told that I was loved and forgiven. My purse and keys were put into my hands as I was shoved out onto the porch. I ended up saying good night to the closed door.

As I drove to his house I could feel the tension all the way through me. From the exhaustion and fear of his reaction. Dawn had told me that he was hurt and angry with me. In a way I wanted to take back the last couple of months and that I had just brought him home with me from Los Angeles that night. But I also knew that if I hadn’t done this then there would always be a part of me that would wonder about living a normal life. Now I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt where I belonged. With him. Loving him. Fighting beside him. Living with him.

There is a part of me that wishes he had claimed me that first night he saw me. When I was sixteen and still believed in happy endings. Then I could have loved him with a totally open and innocent heart. Of course I would be a vampire and we would be creating havoc all over the world. But in my fantasy he takes my virginity and turns me all in the same act. Then I would have been truly his in every sense of the word. Someday I will tell him about it. He’ll like it and then we’ll probably have to act it out. I giggled at the thought breaking some of my mood.

There are so many things that I need to tell him. Things he doesn’t know about. Like the nights that I have cried myself to sleep thinking I would die without him. The daily phone calls to Giles to check on him to make sure he was doing okay. The times I have held a knife or a bottle and it is my memories of his calm presence that have given me the strength to resist. I don’t think he understands how he truly saved me. If he hadn’t returned when he did I probably would be the drunk and whore that he first thought I was. I had given up hope and hated myself so much. It was his love that saved me.

I pulled the car into the drive cutting the lights before he could spot them. He would hear the car but I hoped that he would think it was just someone turning around. I had to take several deep breaths to have the courage to do this. Not that I doubted what I was doing. I was surer of this than anything I had ever done. But to face the hurt I had caused.

From the trunk of the car I picked up my suitcase and overnight bag. And forced myself to move toward the house. It was quiet as I moved through the house looking for him. Outside of his bedroom I put my stuff down. It is times like that that I miss him breathing. The comforting rumble of air moving through his chest would let me know where he was. I think of what it would be like to lay my head on his chest and be able to listen to a heartbeat beneath my ear. The gentle rise and fall of his body. But it is something that hasn’t been since I have known him and it will never be there.

I stand in the doorway of his bedroom and spot him sleeping. He is stretched on his back a blanket low on his belly. He is beautiful in the moonlight. Pale and solid like the finest marble. He is striking in his slumber like a stone. My stone. My rock.

The past two years he has always been the one solid connection in my life. Always there. Always trying to take care of me and my own. I am glad that he is part of them now. He deserves so much love. And I pray that I am up to the task. That somehow I won’t disappoint him again like I have done in the past.

As I took the first step into his room I accidentally kicked an empty whisky bottle. It slid across the floor and bumped into the corner of the dresser. I winced at the noise and my eyes darted quickly to see if he had heard. I froze as his eyes flickered open and he saw me. They widen in hope then quickly closed in pain.

“Buffy, quit fucking haunting me. Please just leave me be.”

He must think that I’m not real. A hallucination brought on from his drinking. The real me wouldn’t be wearing his duster. To him it had gone to the dump with someone’s garbage. The night he thought I had given myself to someone else. I had watched from the window as he threw it away. But I rescued his prize possession. I knew that one day it would hurt him that it was gone. And I wanted to keep it safe for him. And the only time I truly felt safe away from him was when I was wearing it.

I start to pull the clothes from my body while watching him. He moved to his side covering his eyes with his hands. Once I was nude I crawled into bed beside him. Curled onto my side in front of him I gently pulled his hands from his face.

“I’m here. It’s going to be okay.” I whispered to him holding his hands. He stared at me in disbelief pulling a hand free to touch my face. His eyes shuttered in fear.

“You can’t be real. My Buffy doesn’t want me. You can’t be real.” He started to say that over and over again.

But his hand kept touching me. It moved down my body while his eyes held mine. He cupped my breast running his thumb over my nipple. Then changed motions to squeeze at the mound then returned to squeezing and gently pinching the nipple again. It has been so long since he has touched me. I moved closer to him pressing my lips to his. He tastes of whiskey, cigarettes and the taste that is uniquely him. He takes to my mouth like a starving man. His tongue plunged into my mouth unlike his usual gentle request. He ravished my mouth and I couldn’t keep up with the intensity of his probing.

I moved yet closer to him draping my leg over his hip. His hardened cock now lies against me. I stir restlessly against it as I began to burn from the desire for him. My fingernails tear into his flesh as I feel myself trying to keep up with his need. I forced myself to relax that even drunk he would never hurt me. I start to close my mouth. My teeth slowly came down on his tongue trying to force him out of my mouth because I need to breathe. As he breaks contact I throw my head back gulping in great quantities of oxygen.

His hand has found a place between my legs. Separating me. Seeking. His mouth had moved on to my neck. His teeth nipped at my flesh. Then his tongue licked at what he bit. Gentle and then rough. Over and over. While his hand continues to prod and plunge into my cunt.

Those words. Cunt. Cock. Fuck. Cum. I could never say them when we were first together. There were so many things I didn’t know. But I became his eager pupil as he took me to places that I didn’t even know existed. How to truly give and take pleasure without embarrassment. No matter what we have done he has never shamed or degraded me. I trust him now with my body. It is his to do as he wishes. No matter where he leads it will only lead to a greater sense of pleasure for the both of us.

I started to gyrate against his hand that is now coated with my wetness. My body eager for his touch was flowing out of control. The heady musk was like a cloud around us. His hand slips away to cup my ass. His mouth has moved down to my breasts. There is so much heat coming from me. I try to arch closer to the coolness of his flesh. But he holds me down as he assaults my breast with his tongue. He circles the entire globe with his tongue. With each rotation he closes in on my nipple. His other hand has moved up to fondle the neglected one. I moan and quiver beneath his ministrations. I want him now and begin to rotate my hips against his cock. But he isn’t done with me yet.

He pulls away from me pushing me into the mattress. Then he moves over me coming to rest between my legs. He started to kiss my belly progressing slowly downwards until his face is buried against me. Soft kisses against my outer lips. Then he gave a quick lick from bottom to top before he separated them with his tongue. He knows how to take me to the heights of euphoria with his touches. I reached down to bury my fingers in his hair. Pulled him closer to me. He joked once that if he were human he would have suffocated from my demands. It doesn’t take long before I scream out his name as I cum around him. He moved back over me holding himself on his hands above me. I couldn’t stand it and reached up for him to bring him down to kiss him. A smile crossed his lips as I reached my tongue out to trace his lips to taste myself on him. This is something that pleases him.

He was resting against my entrance and I reached down between us to guide him to me. I hold him until his tip is buried inside of me. Then my hands moved to rest on his sides. I opened my legs more to give him better access. He plunges into me without hesitation filling me completely. I gasp and arch up toward him. He stretches me like no one else has. He hesitated as I adjusted to having him back inside of me. Then began to move building power with each thrust. I drew him down to rest on me as my arms encircled him. Then pulled my legs up to wrap around him with my feet resting on his butt.

I can only hold on as he forcefully pounds into me. It is not done cruelly or thoughtlessly this relentless fucking. It has been so long and his next words let me knows that he still doesn’t think that I am really here. He muttered into my neck without losing momentum.

“How pathetic I have become. Humping my damn bed trying to get an hallucination off.”

Tears began to fall down my face as I face what I have driven him to. I start to caress him softly whispering in his ear how much I love him. That I will never go away again. I tell him that I need him always. As I speak to him he changes rhythm to a slow grind. He knows this will get me off with no other simulation. And as I do I squeeze him from inside as he brings me to another orgasm.

As soon as I am done he rolls off of me. He laughed that at least he was able to get his dream off. His hand wrapped around himself and begins to stroke his still hardened flesh. I turned toward him removing his hand and replacing it with my mouth. The time for the slow tease is over and I began to suck and move over him to bring him to fulfillment. His hand wrapped in my hair and he began to thrust upwards. I take as much of him in as I can while my hands try to hold his hips down. But it only takes a couple of moments before he cums into my mouth. He won’t let me move until he is done. But he is mine. And it doesn’t matter as I swallow his essence down.

Then he releases me and rolls over to face the wall. I told him that I love him and everything is fine. But he shouted at me to shut up and leave him alone to let him sleep in peace. To please just let him sleep without me haunting him. A pillow is pulled over his head and he holds it into place. His face buried into the wall. I lay down behind him and he scoots closer to the wall. I waited until he was asleep again and took the pillow from over his head. It was put back under his head and then I moved to share it with him. My hand rested on his side.

My last thought before I went to sleep was that I was blessed to be his.

Chapter 42 - The Rose / Part 2

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the suns love
In the spring becomes the rose.

I wake to the feeling that my head was being ripped apart. My mouth felt full of cotton. I opened and closed it a few times to try to work moisture through it. My face was pressed against the coolness of the wall. It felt good against my skin. I laid there for a few minutes trying to get my bearings. Last night was a foggy memory where even removing my clothes and going to bed are lost to it. But I do remember the dreams of Buffy. More vivid than any I have ever had before. And I hurt. She hurts me. The decision I had made the night before to forget her is the best for me. I turned onto my back as the heels of hands attempted to wipe sleep from my eyes. My elbow collided into something soft. I stopped for a moment.

“Oww, Spike.”

It’s her. In my bed. Last night hadn’t been a dream after all. The damn girl had crawled into my bed while I was sleeping. I threw the blanket back and stand up to look down at her. Her eyes open and I see a hint of fear in them as she realizes that I am angry. Good. Let her feel it.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

She reached for the blanket to cover herself but I kicked it away from her. Her eyes closed for a moment then she looked up at me with determination in her eyes now.

“I’ve come home to you.”

She couldn’t have dealt it any plainer than that. But it was too late. The decision had been made and I wanted to stick by it. At the time it seemed the only way to survive.

“Get out. I don’t want you anymore.”

I went to my dresser to grab a clean pair of jeans and then a towel from the shelf. She didn’t move just followed me with her eyes as I started to leave the room.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Her voice was softer this time but no less determined.

I turned back to her and my foot got caught in the strap of her bag causing me to trip. That was just what I needed was to be humiliated in front of her. I glanced over at her as I fell against the wall. Her eyes widened in trepidation but she didn’t say or do anything. As I stood back up I kicked her bag down the hallway.

“I don’t give a shit what you think. Get your god damn stuff and get out of my house.”

Then I turned to go into the bathroom. The shower felt good against me as I stood letting the spray fall over me. She was there in my room. Naked. We had sex last night and I couldn’t remember but just a few moments of it. She said she was staying. But it was too much to believe. There were no sounds at all outside the bathroom as I finished up. After I pulled my jeans on I went back to my room to see if she was still there. Not really sure if I wanted her to be there or not. But she was. She was sitting on the bed wrapped in the blanket flipping through one of the wallpaper sample books.

“I thought I told you to get out.”

I grabbed a clean t-shirt out of the dresser and pulled it over my head. She sighed and looked up at me. The book was closed and laid back down on the floor.

“And I already told you that I wasn’t going anywhere.”

I moved to stand over her while her eyes had the beginnings of fear again. I didn’t want to hurt her just wanted her gone. Something nudged me inside telling me to be careful that I needed to move slowly and watch my temper. I reached down wrapping my hands around her arms and pulled her up. There was nothing rough in my motions. It was slow and deliberate. She could have stopped me at any moment. Once she was standing I leaned against her pushing her back into the wall. My hands were on either side of her. Her face was so close I could feel her breathe against me.

“I don’t believe you, Buffy. You feel guilty because of what happened. This isn’t about love. It’s about making you feel better for leaving us. And I don’t care how you feel anymore. And I want you out.”

I didn’t shout but said it calmly so she would understand that I meant it. Her eyes searched mine as she listened to me. I could see it. The guilt. It was big enough to consume her and she was trying to make amends. If she had loved me she would have come back sooner.

“I do love you, Spike. Just give me a chance to prove it.” Buffy stammered the words out to me. She moved a hand to rest it on my side under my shirt. Softly she stroked my flesh. It screamed out for her. Every nerve ending in my body wanted to make love to her again.

“You know if the situation was reversed. If it had been you passed out drunk last night and I had come in here to fuck you this morning you would have been screaming rape. Is that how you prove your love.”

I let go of her and stepped back. The tears had started to fall and I felt like a bastard for hurting her. Last night hadn’t been rape. I had seen the bruises on her skin. There had been no gentleness in what we had done last night. Or in what I had done. But she had taken the roughness because she had been trying to comfort me. And in a way it made me love her more.

Her face turned bright red and she turned her face from me. I wanted so badly to reach out and pull her to me. To tell her how much I loved her. But I was afraid of making myself vulnerable again. She tightened the blanket around her and moved toward the door. I stood my ground and waited to see what she would do. She knelt beside her suitcase and took out some clothes. Then she moved down the hallway to grab her tote bag. She slipped into the bathroom closing the door behind her.

When I heard her turn the shower on I moved to go upstairs. It was the living room that I was working on right now but I wanted to be away from her. There was a bunch of junk left behind from someone in the master bedroom and I began to gather it up into one pile. As I was throwing some stuff into an old box she stepped into the room. I ignored her.

“Spike, I’m going to go and pick up Dawn. We’re going to go and help bring Tara home.” She stayed in the doorway and waited for some kind of response. When I didn’t give it she told me that she would be home in a few hours.

“This isn’t your bloody home.” I shouted out to her as she moved down the stairs. When she didn’t answer me I threw an old book across the room. Enjoying the thud as it landed against the wall. Now that she was gone I went back downstairs. The rest of the wallpaper needed to come off the walls.

The kitchen was done now. The appliances had arrived on Friday and were now operational. There were still a few things to be done to it. But it felt good that it was now functional. My blood was now stored in the fancy new refrigerator.

I grabbed a quick mug of it and returned to work in the living room. After I finished ripping all the wallpaper off that would be easily removed I started to scrape at some places that the glue and paper had stuck.

It was almost six when I heard the car pull into the drive. I glanced out the window and saw her come up the walk. She was carrying a bag of take out with her. I guess this morning she realized that there wasn’t anything for her to eat here. I returned to my work as she came through the door. She came to stand beside me before she said anything. Once she realized she had my attention she told me hello.

I looked at her briefly before returning to what I was doing. She moved to put the bag of food on the table in the corner. Her movements were careful and methodical. Like she was telling herself what to do. There wasn’t anything natural about her. She glanced over at me before she headed for the kitchen. I listened as she busied herself in the kitchen. She poured out a mug of blood for me popping it into the microwave to warm up. After it beeped she came back into the living room with the mug, some plates, napkins and silverware. I stopped what I was doing to watch her play the little wife. She set the plates out. The mug was placed next to the plate across from her. Then she set the food out.

“Go wash up before it gets cold.” She looked at me in defiance. Daring me to be nasty to her when she was trying so hard to be nice to me. I shrugged my shoulders and decided to play along. She had brought home Chinese food. Next to wings it was one of my favorites. And the blood had been a thoughtful touch because it showed she remembered I liked to dip my egg roll in it.

When I returned to sit across from her there was already an egg roll on my plate and the containers of food were open and waiting for me to help myself.

As we began to eat she told me that Tara was settled at home and was feeling pretty good. She and Willow had decided they just wanted to be alone tonight. Buffy had gone to rent movies for them and picked them up some food too.

“I told Xander that we would be back after dinner to see him.”

I was looking for a reason to be angry with her even as slim of an excuse as this one. She wasn’t doing anything wrong. If the truth were to be told she was doing everything right. But I didn’t want it. Not now. I put my fork down moving to lean on my arms on the table. And then waited until she was looking at me.

“So, not only do you presume to just crawl into my bed and move into my house yet again. Now you’re making decisions for me. Forget it. I do what I want when I want.”

A slow blush covered her face and she blinked back some tears. I knew I was being an ass about everything. Shame moved through me as I realized that I had embarrassed her.

“How long are you going to punish me?” She held my gaze unwaveringly. A bit of defiance was flashing in her eyes again. “I’m not saying I don’t deserve this but just give some time frame for how long you’re going to do this.”

“For as long as it takes for you to realize I don’t want your guilt and for you to get the fuck out of my life.” I stood sending my chair crashing to the ground. She stood when I did and glared at me across the table.

“And I have already told you that I am not going anywhere.”

She started to pack up the cartons of food and clean up the table. I just watched her as she did not offering to help. If she wanted to play wife let her do it. When she moved to take the leftovers to the kitchen I left to take another shower. I was going to see Xander. I had planned on it anyway. In a lot of ways I was being unfair to her and I knew it. She kept telling me what I had always told her. That I wasn’t going anywhere. But she had gone somewhere. She had left me. I couldn’t let myself believe that she was really here to stay. It was too much to hope for.

She was waiting for me in the living room when I got out of the shower. Curled into a corner of the couch her arms wrapped around herself. She looked like a lost little girl and it tugged at my heartstrings. For some reason though I still held onto my pride.

I walked past her to head outside. She scrambled up and followed me out. But I didn’t wait for her as I moved toward the bike. She tried to follow me but as I soon as I started it up I turned it toward the street. Leaving her behind. I hesitated at the edge of the street to turn back to look at her. She was watching me leave her. Her face etched in hurt. I could be an ass to her and excuse that away. But I couldn’t be deliberately cruel to her.

I pulled out onto the street and turned back around. She was opening the door of the Desoto when I pulled up next to her. My eyes met the greenness of hers waiting for the jolt of awareness that I knew would come. It did. The connection was still there. I gestured toward the back of the bike and waited as she climbed on. I closed my eyes as her legs pressed against mine. And I remembered the first time she had ridden with me. The night I had gotten back. She moved me like no one else did and I wanted her even more in that moment. Her arms slid around my waist and she scooted forward so that she was pressed against me. I just wanted to drive on and on. To never let her off that bike. Maybe if we ran away we could delude ourselves with love forever.

The visit with Xander was pretty good. He was in better spirits then the last time I had seen him. And he liked that we had come together. Making jokes that we were all back together. I let it slide because he didn’t need to know right now how strained things were between us. Having an excuse to touch her I put my arm around her and pulled her close. Enjoying having her softness against me. She stiffened when I first moved toward to her but she soon relaxed into me. It was almost like we were really together. Her arms moved around me and her hand rested on my stomach.

I had difficulty following the conversation around me with her being so near to me. Hopefully, I made the right responses at the right time. Xander made a joke about something and she laughed. The sound went though me and I wondered if we would ever laugh together again. Would we ever be able to relax enough around each other to have fun? Like that night in the cemetery when we just played together. Involuntarily I squeezed her a little harder against me. When I did I came under her scrutiny resulting in a gentle pat to my stomach. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be closer to her. But I smiled it out until we left.

She was under my arm right up until we were out of sight of Xander’s room. Then I took it away from her and continued down the hall without her. It wasn’t until I had pressed the button for the elevator did I turn to look at her. She looked so crushed. And I had been the one to do it to her. She was a smart girl and would know that it was just an act in front of Xander. I looked away. If I didn’t look I wouldn’t know. If I didn’t know then I didn’t have to make the decision. I could keep my heart guarded.

It was becoming harder to stay angry with her. Buffy had been there all day taking my bullshit and hadn’t bailed yet. A few times she had even stood up to me. I was just so afraid to believe that that this was happening. That she was here to stay. If I let her in and tomorrow she changed her mind again I would probably kill her. Destroy everything that I had been building. Was being with her worth the risk of losing myself? I didn’t know.

It was still early when we got back home. I let her get off the bike at the front door while I took it around back to park it. I went in through the back door and found her in the kitchen getting ice. Then ice water. And I was reminded again that there wasn’t anything in the house for her to eat or drink.

“Do you want to go to the store?”

Where the bloody hell had that come from? I had just basically told her that she was staying. And she had taken it that way from the look in her eyes. I sighed as I realized I had just out maneuvered myself.

“Let’s go.” I didn’t wait for a response from her just turned and headed out to the car. She followed me without saying anything. Neither of us said a word until we got to the store. When she thought I wasn’t looking I caught her checking her wallet for money. She was startled when I laid my hand on hers. It was the classic deer-in-the-headlights look.

“Get what you want.” I held her eyes so she would know that I would take care of her. There was only a moment of hesitation before she nodded her head. We moved slowly through the store both of us grabbing stuff that we wanted or looked good. The talk was coming later. But it was kind of understood now that I was letting her stay. Actually we both had known it earlier. If I had really wanted her to leave I would have found a way to get rid of her.

She was trying to decide what flavor ice cream she wanted when I opened the freezer case and started to grab different flavors.

“What are you doing? If you want that much it’s cheaper to just buy it by the half gallon.” She laughed at the dozen different ones in the cart.

“Yeah, but I don’t know which flavor tastes better on you.”

She stopped laughing as I saw the desire run through her. Lighting her eyes up. I couldn’t resist her any longer as I reached over and tugged her by the hair toward me. She sighed just as I captured her mouth. She was so sweet as she opened her mouth to me. I heard someone giggle and I broke away from her. But kept her tucked under my arm as we finished the grocery rounds.

As we left the store there were some guys breaking down boxes. I asked them if I could have some of them. When they let me I put them in the trunk of the car. Buffy just looked at me but I didn’t explain. On the ride home she was sitting by the passenger door, which was too far away for me. I reached over putting my hand between her legs.

“Spike!”

I laughed and squeezed her upper thigh then pulled her toward me.

“All you had to do was ask.” She said as she scooted toward me. It just felt right to have her beside me. Snuggled into my side with her hand on my leg. There was still a lot of things to work out but this was right.

We got the groceries in the house and I told her to just worry about the cold stuff for now. I kissed her on the brow and told her just do it for me. I unpacked the stuff and handed it to her to put away. Except for one pint of ice cream. Mint Chocolate Chip. After everything else was put away I pulled the top off of it and scooped some out on my finger. As she closed the door I pinned her to it.

“Buffy, close your eyes and open your mouth.”

We needed to talk because she did it without question. That was either really gutsy or really trusting. I opted for the latter choice. I took the scoop of ice cream and sucked it off my finger and leaned into her. She giggled when my mouth closed over hers and she tasted the ice cream on me. Then it was a battle as to who could get the most of it before it melted. I won.

“I love you, Spike.”

She looked relaxed and happier than she had all day. Like she had been given a present that she really wanted and had been looking forward too. I wasn’t there just yet. It was closer than before but I wasn’t ready to say the words just yet. I kissed her quickly again and took her by the hand.

“Come on.”

There was one more thing to do that night. Get her stuff. Not all of it. Just her clothes and bathroom stuff. Whatever personal stuff she couldn’t live without until we could move everything else. When we got to her apartment I sent her into the bathroom to pack while I started on her closet. Pulling clothes down and taking them out to the car. After I got everything out of the closet I went in to start taking out the boxes she had already packed. I glanced around before we left when I spotted a box in the closet. I almost called out to her to see if she wanted it. But she was already down the hall. I grabbed it putting it on the bed to check it out. When I pulled the top off I saw it was the lingerie I had bought her. I ran it over my hands as I pulled it out. Didn’t she want it?

“I couldn’t wear it unless you could see it.”

I looked back at her as she stood in the doorway. Then back down at the pile of silk and satin covering her bed. All the pink and white and the other few colors mixed in. All piled on the bed that I had never had a chance to make love to her in. This bed had been part of my fantasies for so long. It wouldn’t go in the house. Not in the master bedroom anyway. So, it was now or never for us on this bed.

She moved to my side as I threw the box on the floor.

“Give me a fantasy before we have to face reality.”

A quizzical look crossed her face as her eyes studied my face. I stepped closer to her reaching for the hem of her shirt. Her eyes closed as I began to draw it up. She raised her arms so I could pull it over her head. We had been through so much together. I didn’t want to wait to be with her. There was all the time in the world to talk. Soft kisses across her shoulders while I reached behind and undid her bra. It joined the shirt on the floor.

“Kiss me.” She asked so nicely. But it wasn’t time yet. Wanted her naked first. I picked her up and dropped her on the bed instead. Knelt beside it to remove her shoes and socks. Holding her foot in my hand I dropped a kiss to her ankle. I stood to pull my shirt off. A knee on the bed between her legs while I reached for the clasp of her jeans. I watched her as I undid them. Her eyes smoldered as they followed my movements. She rose up some so I could pull them off her hips and down her legs.

She was naked. The way I wanted her to be. I gazed at her wondering where to start. There wasn’t a part of her that I didn’t want to reacquaint myself with. Every satiny inch of her flesh was there waiting for me. And I was like a kid in a candy store trying to figure out what to taste first.

Buffy moved so she wasn’t lying across the bed anymore. Her hands picked up a handful of the lingerie to dump it over the side of the bed.

“Don’t.”

I went to lie next to her. Reached a hand out to take the bundle of satin and silk from her. Then I dropped it on her. She stirred restlessly on the bed letting me know that I was making her wait. A finger hooked into one of the straps and I dragged it slowly across her. Up and over her breasts watching as her nipple puckered as it slid across her. I heard her breath catch as it tickled her. I rose to my knees next to her. Pushing aside the other pieces I kept a hold of the one teddy. Soft and rosy pink. Like her. I bunched it up and moved down to her feet. Letting one piece of material out I trailed it slowly over her legs. Goosebumps were left in its wake. Then soft kisses followed them. All the way up to her thighs. My knee moved to separate her legs.

She opened for me. The silk was trailed on the inside of her thighs. Her eyes never left me until I moved to kneel between her legs. I bent forward and blew softly against her curls. She arched up toward my face while her head tossed. Her eyes closed now.

“Mmmmmh, Spike. Please.”

The silk visited her slowly then started up her belly. I paused for a quick taste of her sweet honey. Then followed the silk up her body. I let it play with her breasts. Softly tickling her nipples. They beaded up. So sweetly asking for attention. I brought my hips down to be cradled against her apex. Resting on my elbows above her. She pulled her knees up to use her heels for leverage against the bed. So, she could rub herself against me. I looked down into her face. This was the woman that I loved. The woman who had given me a life that I didn’t know I could have. And the anger was gone. All that mattered was that she was here with me now.

I moved so that I could wind my fingers in her hair. She looked up at me. Then I brought my lips to hers. We kissed slowly at first. Her tongue demanded my attention and I gave it. To the dance that was so primal and raw in nature that I didn’t ever want it to stop. Her hands held me to her so I wouldn’t move away from her. My hands started to roam what I could reach of her body. All of a sudden I found myself on my back. With her above me.

“I love you.” She whispered it against my mouth as she broke our kiss. Her mouth started to kiss me hurriedly down my neck. Down my chest. Down my belly. Her hands tore at my jeans undoing them then bringing down my legs. She moved to the side so she could pull them off. They landed on the floor.

She moved over me again. Kissing my thighs moving my legs apart with her hands. But I didn’t want that now. I wanted her. To be inside of her. I reached down and grasped her under her arms and pulled her up. Until she was above me.

“Now, Buffy.”

She sank down on me and I arched up into her. My hands holding her hips as she began to move against me. Coming down to grind against me so that I was in her to the hilt. She felt so good as she squeezed me and made me hers again.

I reached a finger up to trace a bead of sweat down her chest. She shifted to move her breast to my hand. My eyes went to hers as I obeyed her request. Kneading the mound that I held. Tweaking and rolling the beaded pebble. I searched her face for the love I needed from her. It was there in her eyes as she took me into her body over and over again. My hand moved back to her face. Cupping the cheek in my palm. She leaned into it. And I realized that no matter what she had my heart and this was the only place I wanted to be.

I reached my hands out to her and flipped us again. She groaned against the momentary loss of contact. I leaned on my elbows again so I could watch her face.

“Wrap your legs around me, Baby.”

I waited until she did then began to move inside of her. Watching every expression on her face. Every nuance that the pleasure gave her. She held my eyes as we became lost in the journey. The heat building between us to the point where I thought she would combust. I waited until she crested before I let myself go. Falling with her to other side of love.

As she regained her breath I leaned down and kissed her softly.

“Buffy?”

“Mmmmh.”

“What do you want from us? Because I can’t take you ever leaving again.”

She looked up at me her hand tracing the edge of my face.

“To love you forever. To be here with you. I promise, Spike, that I will never leave you again. Not if I have anything to say about it.”

Then she rose up to kiss me. To seal her promise to me.

It’s a promise that she has kept so far. She has been with me for five years now. Sometimes even now I go to look for her to make sure she is there. Just to reach out to touch her. And when I do she will a reach out to hold me. Her eyes always filled with love. A patient smile on her face as if to reassure me that she is still there.

I wish I could tell you that we have lived happily ever after. But we haven’t. What did you expect? Champagne, roses and glass slippers? This is Buffy and me. A vampire slayer and a vampire building a life together on a hellmouth. Life is hard and living in it is even harder. We have had to stop a couple more apocalypses, fought more vampires and demons than we care to count. There have been family problems to contend with. And always power struggles between us. We still fight as passionately as we make love. But we are doing it together. And that’s all that counts.

The End.