Christmas 1851

Alice

I do declare that Tom is the meanest boy I have ever met. He does nothing but pull my hair and throw frogs at me. Mama says it is because he likes me and wants my attention, but he has a funny way of showing it. I turn my nose up when he comes near me, for he is so rough and uncouth. He seems to take a particular delight in getting himself as dirty as possible and he will not join in with the entertainment that we are planning for the grown ups this Christmas. All he does is sit at the back and make rude noises and make up silly words to the songs. I have told Uncle Alex, but all he says is that boys will be boys.

Tom

Alice is such a simpering idiot of a girl. I only have to look at her and she cries. It is no fun teasing her when it is so easy. When I pulled Bella's hair she knocked me into the lake, but Alice only sat and wailed because I'd pulled her curls loose. They won't let me join in the Christmas entertainment because they say I am too silly, but I don't want to be in it, so there.

Will

I have written a short play which we will be performing on Christmas eve. Bella is to take the part of the handsome prince and Alice is to be the princess. Lizzie will play the woodsman and I will be musical director. Tom was to have been the villain but he cannot be serious about anything. Bella gave him a bloody nose this morning because he laughed at her singing and Uncle Alex had to be called to sort them out. If he will not cooperate then I shall have to play the part myself. I do not like performing.

My tutor says that I might try for Oxford or Cambridge in a few years time. I will think on it though I do not know if I would like to travel so far from home.

Dawn

The children gave us great amusement today with their Christmas play. Bella and Lizzie had us in stitches with their manly striding about. I do declare that they should both have been boys. Alice was so pretty as the princess and it is nice to have one girl in the family who appreciates beautiful gowns and such. Will was his usual serious self as he conducted the singing and Tom was absent for the whole performance.

His father found him in the cellar, eventually, in a monumental sulk, and it was a whole hour before he was persuaded to come back upstairs. Tara claims that he will be the death of her, but despite his boisterousness he is the most generous child that I have ever met and has a smile that would melt the heart of a stone statue. I love him dearly, although he is so reckless that I sometimes wonder how he will ever reach manhood.

And what can I say about my Alex, other than that every expectation that I had of him has been fulfilled, and I love him dearly? He is loving and hardworking and would do anything for me and the children. They simply adore him and he is the only one who can do anything with Tom when he is in one of his bad moods. My husband has never ceased to surprise me, and has a strange fascination for haylofts. I swear that one day we will be caught up there by one of the children.

Alex

Christmas Day, and Tom chose to give us all the fright of our lives by falling out of the apple tree yet again. From the amount of screaming from Alice we all thought he had killed himself, but he survived it with only a broken arm. More screaming and swearing from Tom as the doctor set it for him, then the poor lad passed clean out. He is a handful, but I think he will do alright as he has a very kind heart under all the bravado. I love my little family very much.

Random letters and journal entries to May 1856

Elizabeth

We have achieved such a great deal since we came here. Three whole new streets were added to the village this year and all our mill-worker's children are now in school on a daily basis. Lizzie has been helping with the teaching and I am wondering whether her extreme enthusiasm in this matter might have anything to do with the new headmaster who has just taken up his post there. Mr. Nicholas Johnson is recently returned from Africa where he led an expedition into the interior. Lizzie seems most taken with his tales and talks of nothing else but going there herself. I have so far managed to talk her out of it.

Our good friend Sir Robert Peel, the Prime Minister, died unexpectedly in 1850 and William made a large contribution to his memorial in the nearby town of Bury where he was born. I stood in for William at the opening of the Peel Tower in 1852, which stands at the top of the hill behind Forest Park.

Alex, William, Will and I travelled down to London for The Great Exhibition at the Crystal Palace in Hyde Park in 1851. As it was a giant glasshouse, William had to attend in the evening. Will was most taken with it all and wants to be an inventor.

Will did very well at Cambridge University where he studied engineering, although he came home three times during the first term because he was homesick, declaring that he wasn't going back. We managed to persuade him to return and he is now touring Italy with a friend and his family. We will all join him at the Tuscan villa in September where we will also catch up with Aunt Joan and Rupert.

Willow and her four children visit us every summer and we see them when we go down to Devon. It is such a long way though, and I do miss her.

William still paints and writes poetry, although he does not have so much time these days as he spends so much time with Alex at the mills. I am so proud of the both of them, and of the way that William has tried not let his handicap stop him from achieving what he wants to.

My father died in 1853 and we have brought mother to live with us.

Another notable death was that of Caleb who was killed in a riding accident early in 1856. My mind has never really been at peace while he was alive. I always imagined he might turn up one day and spoil everything we have here. He never did make any attempt to contact us again, but with him truly gone I feel that I can relax fully at last.

Some days we still cannot believe how fortunate we are and how far we have come.

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September 1856

William

Italy is quite beautiful and the sun hasn't been so much of a problem. Will and I have spent many an interesting hour sitting in the shade and discussing his ideas for improvements to the mills. He is quite the engineer now and has great plans for us. I'm glad that they will be left in good hands. He also has developed quite a thing for Bella, who has blossomed into a stunningly beautiful young lady this year. She has no shortage of admirers of course, and poor Will is so tongue tied around her that if he does not act soon he will miss his chance. He asked my advice on the matter and I said as much, but every time he goes near her all he talks about is the weather or his other favourite topic, steam engines.

Lizzie wanted to stay behind and had to be forced to accompany us. I know the reason and that is why I insisted that she come. I will never stop my children from doing anything that makes them happy, but I'll just say that without a parental eye to keep a check on things, I think the temptation between her and Mr. Johnson might have proved too great. She has spent a great deal of the time sulking and is trying to persuade us to take her climbing in the Alps while we are here.

Tom still teases Alice mercilessly, but it is my opinion that he is secretly besotted with her and that is why he cannot leave her alone. She is still a dainty little thing, very pretty with masses of blond curls and at fifteen too young, in my opinion, to receive the attention of young men. However, Tom is relieving me of my fatherly duty in this respect by standing and glowering at any young man who so much as looks at her. It is very amusing to watch as she rounds on him and tells him that she will never have a beau with him around, and then he storms off swearing and tells her that they are welcome to her.

We have had a very relaxing time here and even Tara, who insisted that she was becoming too old for all this, has managed to enjoy herself.

The more love you receive the more you have to give back. My Buffy is still as beautiful as the day I first saw her, and I still want her as much. I used to think that people of my age wouldn't be interested in that sort of thing, but we still find a great deal of pleasure in each other, and I don't think we'll ever be too old for it.

I think the time has come for us to rebuild our ties with the old Angelus Mansion. The tenants have recently given notice and, with Caleb gone, there is no reason why we cannot go back for visits. I wasn't always happy there, but I am tied to it by birth and sometimes it just seems to call me back. I wonder if it is something to do with age? The need to reconnect and build some good memories there? I am determined that we shall.

Alice

Tom is being his usual beastly self. If he does not like me as he is so fond of telling me, then why does he follow me around so? I have tried so hard to be a part of this family and know that they all love me very much, but he seems intent on spoiling things for me all the time. Sometimes he just stares at me and then walks away when I ask him what is wrong. I have tried to be friends with him but as he grows older he gets worse. I should like to be able to tell him exactly what I think of him, but I have always been aware of my place here and do not want to do anything to make them think that I am not truly grateful for all that they have done for me. I shall just have to put up with it, I suppose and instead count my many blessings.

Bella

I despair that Will is ever going to notice me and I cannot think what else to do. I have spent the whole of this holiday parading myself in front of him, trying to make conversation with him all to no avail. All he ever talks about is the weather and engineering. Perhaps he doesn't like me after all. I think desperate measures are called for.

Lizzie

A letter came this morning from Nicholas. He has asked me to marry him, but I am to keep it a secret until we return as we want to tell the family together. No doubt everyone will say that I am too young and father still thinks that I am an innocent, but I have been sharing Nicholas's bed for the past three months. This was at my insistence as Nicholas is well aware that he would probably lose his job if we were caught. I think a modern girl should try these things out before marriage, otherwise, how will we know if we are compatible or not? We have been very careful so that I do not fall with child, but it has been difficult and frustrating, because once you have done that sort of thing with someone you love, you just want to do it all the time.

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October 1856

Will

Bella quite unexpectedly kissed me this morning and I have yet to recover from the shock. I was telling her about a new idea I have for a new twin-beam alternating steam engine and I thought she seemed quite interested in what I had to say, when all of a sudden she grabbed my face between her hands and kissed me quite soundly on the lips. Before I had time to react, she was gone. I think the next move is up to me, but I have no idea how to proceed from here.

1857

Elizabeth

Two weddings this year. Will and Bella were married in September and live with us here at Forest Park and Lizzie married Mr. Johnson just before Christmas. In her usual independent way she has insisted that they live at the schoolmasters cottage even though it is very small. I do not think they will be with us for long as they have been talking about going to Africa to found a school somewhere. I have talked with William on this matter and he agrees with me that if they go we will help them as much as possible. Much as I love my children around me, I admire their spirit of independence and would never want to do anything to stop them.

With Caleb gone we have been spending some time at the mansion. William seems to want to be there more these days, and I am always happy to be where he is. I think he wants to erase those early memories and replace them with good ones, and we will.

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November 1858

Alex

Will and Bella have a baby boy. I'm strangely proud that they called him after me as I never thought I'd care about such things, but he is to be known as Xander since I am already Alex. So we have another family member with the Angelus looks as he is dark haired and dark eyed. Mother never lets him alone and it seems in some way she is trying to reclaim something that she squandered in her youth.

Tara.

God has been very merciful to me. When I should be punished for the way I treated Alex as a baby he has chosen to give me a second chance. Young Xander is so much like he was and I only hope that I can in some way make it up to Alex by giving his grandchild the love that I didn't give him. It didn't strike me this hard when Tom was born and I wonder that I feel like this now, but I suspect that as you get older and near to your death then you must necessarily begin to put your life in order. Alex has long forgiven me, but I will never forgive myself for the way I treated him.

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June 1860

Dawn

Tara passed away quietly in her sleep this morning. She had been failing in health all winter and seems to have made it this far through sheer determination of will. We are at the mansion for a holiday and she so wanted to come with us, even though I thought she wasn't strong enough to make the journey. I offered to stay at Forest Park with her, but she would have none of it. I found her seemingly asleep in one of the garden chairs in the orchard, a favourite spot of hers, and it took me a while to realise that she'd left us. I have rarely seen Alex cry in the whole of the time that I have known him, but he was quite distraught over it, as were the children. All I could do was hold him and tell him that I loved him dearly. She is buried in the family graveyard here.

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August 1860

William

Tara is much mourned. May she rest in peace.

I thought it was about time I took my seat in the House of Lords and I believe that my maiden speech was one of the shortest in the history of the house. Still, I am proud to have done it at last.

In late August we said goodbye to Nicholas and Lizzie as they set off for their great adventure to Africa. They have promised not to stay away forever, but say they want to give the world something back in return for the good fortune they have had.

The other big drama this year was, not unsurprisingly, caused by Tom and Alice. I do not know what happened, but Tom mysteriously disappeared at the beginning of September and by the time we'd tracked him down we found that he was in the army, and already on a ship bound for India.

Alice disappeared two days after him, and we found her at the railway station in Manchester clutching a train ticket to London. She was persuaded to come home but seems to be wasting away in front of our eyes. She neither eats, nor sleeps, it would seem and I am at a loss as to how to comfort her. I only hope that I can use my position to good effect and find out where he is, although as he signed on as an ordinary recruit I fear there is little that I can do.

Alex

The news from India is not good. The Times newspaper had been reporting more unrest and I am starting to fear that I will never see my foolhardy son again. We are all so worried about him.

Alice

It's all my fault. Tom told me that he loved me and then he kissed me without asking permission. I was so incensed at his presumption that I told him that I hated him and could never love him. I do not know what possessed me to say such a stupid thing because, since he has been gone, it is as if he has taken a part of me with him. I can neither eat, nor sleep for worry of him. How is he going to survive without us to stop him from doing stupid things? When I read the letter that he left me it hit me all at once that I love him more than my own life and now he is going to die a horrible death because of me, and I will never see him again.

If only he'd done things properly for once, this would never have happened. If he dies I don't know what I will do.

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Tom's journal - Northern Frontier, India 1861

Everything I write here, I dedicate to Alice.

Dear Alice,

I start another letter that you will probably never see. It is very cold here as they have sent us into the mountains to guard the border crossings. I cannot help but wonder what we are doing in this strange country that is not our own. Soldiers are dying here on a daily basis just so that there can be more of the Great British Empire. I wish more than ever to be home and see your face once more. Did you ever forgive me for what I did? I have to say that it was the best moment of my life so far. If I find anyone travelling back to England I will ask them to take this journal with them so that you can see that I did truly love you, even if I didn't deserve your love in return. You may say that I had a strange way of showing it, but that is just me. I'm not very good at affairs of the heart as you know by my bungled attempt to show my feelings to you. Please forgive me for all the teasing and torment I put you through. I think I was just in awe of you, and it scared me. What a fool I am.

If you do get this then give my love to mother and father and tell them that I am sorry for any pain I have caused them. I didn't mean to join the army but I was so drunk that night that I had no idea what I was doing, then it was too late and I was too ashamed to come home.

We could be attacked at any time and I may not live through this. I only pray that this will somehow get to you. Forever yours, Tom.

Dawn

In late October Tom was mentioned in despatches in the Times newspaper. The article spoke of great heroism and also of great losses. We do not know at this time whether he is alive or dead.

At the end of March 1862, after a terrible wait, Alice received Tom's journal which told us that he had been badly wounded and was being shipped home via South Africa and given an honourable discharge. This was all dependant on whether he lived or not as his injuries were very severe, although he did not describe exactly the nature of them.

I still do not know whether this is good news or bad. Alex and William have gone to London to see what they can find out.

Alice

It is right that I should be punished like this. Every day I read Tom's journal so that I can see just what I condemned him to with my harsh words. I refuse to believe that he is dead, however. Surely God will send him back to us and give me a chance to put this right? I think that I have always been in love with him, only I have never known it until now.

Alex

The news is very confusing, but it seems that there is a good chance that Tom was sent to South Africa. I am preparing to leave immediately to go and fetch him home. It will be a long journey and I will hate being away from Dawn for so long, but if Tom is alive, then he will be in need of me. Alice has insisted that she accompany me. I do not think it a good idea, but is seems that she is like all the other females in this family even though she is not a blood relation, and appeared on the doorstep this morning with a suitcase of clothes asking when we would be leaving.

I have consulted with William and Buffy and they have agreed that she can come with me. We will overnight in Manchester and be on our way south by tomorrow.

Tom - military hospital, South Africa.

One of the nurses is writing this for me.

Little by little my sight is improving and I can now make out shapes and colours, although there is little substance to them and everything is still somewhat of a blur. I was quite terrified that I had gone permanently blind. There is something so lonely about being in the dark like this. It makes you feel so cut off from the world. So unloved. I often wonder if Alice ever got my journal and what she thought of my mad ramblings. I wonder too, if by now she may be married to someone else.

I have begged them to send me home but they say my injuries are, as yet, too bad for me to be moved. Being stuck in bed like this and having to depend on others for everything is pure torture for me. Were it not for the thought of my family waiting for me at home, I would have ended it myself long ago.

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November 1862

Elizabeth

It was eight months before they came home. They found Tom in a military hospital in a very bad way. It seems that he had been suffering from recurring infections due to a bullet lodged near his heart. None of the doctors seemed inclined to operate in case the operation itself killed him and so they had left it, as they put it, up to God. Ironically, Alex found an Indian doctor willing to undertake it, on the payment of a large sum of money.

It was a very difficult decision for Alex to have to make, but Tom agreed that he was willing to take the risk and so it went ahead. Before the operation he and Alice were married, which does not surprise me in the slightest. She is only, after all, carrying on a great family tradition of marrying for love. I'm not surprised that Tom survived the operation. With Alice by his side I think that he would survive anything.

Dawn

The sight of the carriage rounding the bend, and bringing my beloved family home to me once more is one which I shall never forget. Poor Tom is so changed, but we hope that with good nursing and much love he will be back to something of his own self with time. His sight may never be back to normal but I think that a pair of spectacles will make him look very dashing. He is very thin, poor boy, but I can see that in a roundabout way he has found happiness at last. He has lost that restless edge that he has carried all his life, and has the look of one who has truly come home.

I did not realise that I could miss someone the way that I missed Alex, while he was away. I am so used to him always being there, like a solid rock at my back and when he is gone then the world is such a strange place. I have told him that he is never to leave me alone again.

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1866

Elizabeth

Another Christmas and another year together. Lizzie and Nicholas have returned from Africa with their two children and we are all at the mansion in Devon for the festivities this year because William particularly wanted to be here. The place is much changed with so much noise and laughter, but sometimes, at night, when it is finally quiet, I can hear the echoes of the old days. A place like this, that has seen so much, cannot help but resonate with the memories of everything that has happened here.

I love William more with each passing day, yet he will never know how much. He says that I am the strong one and that he could never live without me, but I have found such a haven in him. I don't think that he will ever realise how brave and how strong he is, and how much we all need him. To love and be loved in return is such a simple need, yet sometimes so hard to come by. Those who find true love should count themselves fortunate for it is the greatest gift of them all.

I think I will go and find him and tell him just how much I do love him, and perhaps show him as well. He still likes it when I surprise him in that way.

William

The family is together once more and we are at the mansion for Christmas. Lizzie and Nicholas are returned from Africa with their two children and I have taken this opportunity to sit quietly here on this Christmas Eve and count the considerable blessings that my life has shown me. And to remember those no longer with us.

Epilogue part one merges in here…….

Thank you for reading.

Epilogue - Part One

1866 - The Angelus Mansion, Devon.

From the journal of William Angelus

The family is together once more. The children and grandchildren have gathered here with us, at the Angelus Mansion, and the house if full of noise and laughter. This year there will be fifteen of us around the table, such a contrast to the grim silence and loneliness of my early days here.

I have taken this opportunity to sit quietly, in my old bedroom, on this Christmas Eve and count the considerable blessings that my life has shown me.

Aunt Joan, who now lives in Italy with her husband Rupert, once told Buffy that she deserved her happiness because she had worked so hard for it. And she was right. We all did.

Alex with his years of torment at the hands of Ethan. I, in my terrible lonely prison of darkness, and Buffy with the prospect of marriage to a wicked, evil man like Caleb.

Alex has had to carry his father's murder and the fear of eternal damnation because of it, for the rest of his life. He more than deserved the comfort that his family gives him.

I would have lived a million lifetimes in the dark if only I had Buffy by my side.

And she did, and has always done, what she had to do to keep those she loved safe.

I prayed that God would take pity on us and grant us some happiness and I have not been disappointed. I count each and every one a blessing, because they were things I never thought to have.

We have been spending more and more time at the mansion lately. I promised Buffy that one day we would come back and I feel that perhaps the time has come to lay the ghosts of this old house to rest. Despite the trauma of my early life, I am bound to this place and I should like to be buried, one day, in the grounds with all my ancestors.

While I was writing this, Buffy found me and crept onto my lap for a cuddle and a kiss. We locked the door and made love there and then, and afterwards laughed at something Tara told her a long time ago. She said that Buffy would remember that conversation when she was older, and she did.

We stood and looked at the moon shining on the snow covered lawns and time, as it always seemedto do when we were that close, appearedto play tricks on us.

I imagined us back on the cliff road that first night we met. I stood on the brink of something that night and all I had to do was reach out and take it. I'm so glad I found the courage to do so.

Then we were on the back steps as I told Buffy about my sad little bag of sixpences that I have kept to this day.

The night we went fishing came into such sharp focus that I could see us as clearly as if it had been only yesterday, and I remembered that wonderful feeling of breaking free at last. Of finding myself.

And of course, the night we first made love. How could I ever forget that?

They are all here, the memories of those early days with my Buffy, and those since. I have managed to fill nine journals since then, documenting a life that has had, as with most people, its share of highs and lows. We have known the joys of bringing new life into the world, and the sadness of saying goodbye to those dearly loved. A cure still hasn't been found for my disease and I hold little hope that it will be in my lifetime. I have tried to not let it be too much of a handicap, but I should have liked to have been able to walk in the sunlight with Buffy. And I think she would have too, although she has never spoken of it.

Buffy never forgot Caleb and worried constantly that he would come for revenge, but he never did. He was killed in an accident some ten years ago and the only place he can reach us now is in our memories and dreams.

I once told myself to find Buffy, hold on to her and never let her go, and that is what I have done. She has been my light and my anchor. I try not to dwell on the unhappy memories, although they have taught us all lessons we need to know.

That life is precious, and love, once found, is worth hanging on to, and fighting for to your last breath.

It could have all ended so differently. I once walked towards the bright light that I truly believed would be my eternal rest, but I did have a job to do after all. I came back to rescue Buffy, and in doing so, she rescued me. And I'm glad I wrote it all down. I want people to read it and know how much we loved each other.

Buffy always said that my first journal wouldn't burn because it was destined to be found by two special people who would understand what we'd found in each other. It always made me smile. Every couple in love imagines that theirs is the truest and the best and we were no exception, but many have loved before us just as well as we have. And so they will in the future. I have hidden my first journal and left it to chance. Perhaps it will have a message for someone.

As I grow older I believe more and more that love never fades. People may pass on into memory, and into history, but the love they make between them lingers for all time. Perhaps that's all that ghosts are? Stories, both good and bad, that need to be told, and want to be heard. Emotions so strong that they can be felt long after the people who made them have gone.

I'm just an old romantic fool at heart. I always have been, and I always will be. And I know that one lifetime with Buffy will never be enough. I sometimes wonder if we have known each other in another life, for there are times when the path feels so familiar, and the way is so clear that I feel that we must have walked itbefore. A fanciful notion, yes, but if it is true, then we will know each other again. A dozen lifetimes will not be enough to tell Buffy how much I love her. If it is at all possible, I will find her again.

Every year, on Christmas Eve, I light a candle for each of the years we have been together. This year there will be thirty one.

I pray that there will be many more.

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Epilogue - Part Two

I have been here before, But when or how I cannot tell:

I know the grass beyond the door, The sweet, keen smell,

The sighing sound, The lights around the shore.

You have been mine before - How long ago, I may not know:

But just when at that Swallow's soar,

You neck turned so, Some veil did fall, - I knew it all of yore.

Has this been thus before? And shall not thus time's eddying flight

Still with our lives, our love restore In death's despite

And day and night yield one delight once more?

Sudden Light, by Dante Gabriel Rossetti

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August 2003 - Devon, England

"Are you sure this is the right road?"

"Trust me, it's just round that bend."

"You can't know that, the map says the village isn't for another five or so miles."

"Will you quit worrying. I just have this feeling, right?"

Spike held up his hands in surrender, causing the car to swerve as he tookthem off the steering wheel. Buffy grabbed it and yanked the car straight as Spike slammed on the brakes. She glared at him.

"So, you're trying to get yourself killed, again? What, once wasn't enough?"

"It's twice to be exact, and yeah, I really enjoyed my stint as the towering inferno. Can't wait to do it again."

"Stop it, Spike. How can you be so flippant about all this?"

Spike waited as a car overtook them, then pulled back onto the road. "Missed me did ya?"

"Hey, don't go all slushy on me, heaven forbid."

"Will you shut up and let me finish, for a change. Why did they have to send the snarky version back? Where's quiet, little William with all his poetry when you need him?"

"Died a long time ago, did you miss the memo or something? Oh my god, you were right."

Spike slowed the car once more as the old house came into sight, and brought it to rest in front of a pair of rusting iron gates. They were padlocked closed but the fence on either side was long gone so he put the car back into gear and swung an arc round the gateposts and back onto the road on the other side.

Buffy crept nearer to him as he cruised slowly up the drive and he chuckled to himself and slipped his arm around her.

"Spooked, are we?"

She stayed in his arms. She who had seen everything, unbelievable things you couldn't even begin to describe, was allowing herself to get seriously freaked out by a burned out old shell of a house that had seen it's prime long ago and was now home to a colony of bats, and what else? Ghosts? Since when had she been afraid of ghosts?

The grand, arched entrance was still there, and Spike stopped the car in front of it, killed the engine and opened the door.

"So, someone's left this pile of bricks to the new council and they want us to do what, exactly?"

He stepped out into the sunshine as he spoke and stuck his head back into the car. "You coming?"

He'd just turned up one day. Had nearly given her a heart attack when she'd opened the door and seen him standing there, the sun at his back. She'd dragged him in through the door before she'd realised that it wasn't hurting him. Yet he was still a vampire, of sorts. Part of the reason they'd come to England was that the new council needed their help in setting up. And they'd wanted to meet this new phenomenon. A vampire who could go out into the sun.

And now that she wasn't the only one any more, she had time to do stuff like this. Visit spooky old burned- out mansions that someone, for some unfathomable reason, had left to the council. If they had any sense they would bulldoze the place and sell the land for development. It had to be worth a fortune, right? On the coast, stunning scenery.

"No."

She heard it as clear as day. Snapping herself out of her thoughts, she looked up at Spike, who was still in the same position, waiting for her.

"What did you say?"

"I said, you coming?" He slammed his door and walked round to her side, opening it for her. "Come on, saw a nice pub back there. Let's do this reccy then go get some lunch."

She frowned, but let it go as she took his hand and let him pull her out of the car. Looking around, she suddenly had a very strong urge to go inside, even though they'd been told not to as it wasn't safe. Before Spike could stop her she was through the door and making her way towards the grand staircase that still stood intact in the middle of the hall.

She shivered and hugged her arms around herself, turning to Spike as he followed her in through the door.

"Tell me I'm not crazy, Spike. Can you feel something?"

He stood behind her, very close, spooning up against her back and slipping his arms around her.

"Hey, you're shaking. What's up?"

She leaned back, gratefully into his embrace and tried to relax against him, but her heart was bouncing about all over the place, and she was shaking. And she had no idea why.

"I don't know. This place, seems to be calling to me, it's weird." She swivelled herself so that she was facing him, his arms now around her back and she looked up at him. "I've never been here before, yet I knew the way. The kitchen is down that corridor, and that's," she stopped and thought for a moment. "The music room. The library's down there and there's the drawing room. I've never been here before, have I? So, how do I know all that?

"You don't, Buffy. Maybe you're just guessing? He gave her one of his slow, patient smiles and smoothed back her hair. Hey, legend has it that vampires used to live here."

"Did they?" she said absently. "Spike, I'm not imagining this, I think maybe I have seen this place before. Don't ask me how."

She slipped her hand into his and pulled him up the stairs. He went, reluctantly, muttering about bricks falling on their heads and staircases giving way.

She stopped at the top to get her bearings. One end of the long gallery-like corridor was entirely open to the elements where the fire had destroyed it but the other was relatively intact. She turned left, dropped his hand and walked confidently to one of the bedroom doors.

"Whatever it is, it's in here. Someone, or something, wants us to find it." She stopped and thought again, almost as if she was listening to invisible voices. Then she opened the door and disappeared inside.

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"It's something that was lost and needs to be found. Something that needs to be known. A story, I think."

It was getting to him now. Nothing ever scared him, except perhaps that night when Buffy had taken the leap off that tower. Saving the world again, because it's what she did.

There was something about this place. It wasn't bad, just a feeling that something was waiting, just as she'd said. And all they needed to do was open their eyes and look.

And god, she was beautiful. With the sun's rays slanting through the window and catching the gold of her hair, she looked like an angel. He moved towards her in almost a dreamlike state and the room, that had been empty when they'd come in, now had furniture in it. Maybe he was imagining it, but the four poster bed with its heavy drapes and the leather topped writing desk looked real enough to him.

"I think," he began hesitantly, "that you are the most beautiful thing that I have ever laid eyes on."

She did a little twirl for him then, the long gauzy gown swirling about her ankles. Her hair swinging to and fro.

"Do you like it, William?"

"I do, my love. May I call you that?"

She lowered her head modestly and looked at him from under her lashes.

"I think I should like that very much." Then she walked over to him and he felt her hands sliding up his arms and over his shoulders. He shivered as they framed his face and she reached up so that her lips were a hairs breadth away from his.

"Tell me where you hid it, my love. We want them to know, don't we?"

He leaned in for a kiss that he was quite desperate for. And it was like tasting something he hadn't had for a long time. Like coming home to a place you thought you'd never see again.

"Under the floorboards, over there. Is it time?"

"I think so, my love. It's time this story was told."

Her hand was in his once more and together they knelt and he pulled up the floorboard. The leather journal was just where he thought it would be. Feeling about and reaching as far as he could go, his hand found a single sheet of paper with faded, old fashioned writing on it. He frowned as he brought it out and tried to read it, but the ink had faded and couldn't be read by the human eye any more. So he vamped out and read it with his demon eyes, and when he'd finished they were heavy with tears and her hand was stroking his ridges and bumps as if he was the most precious thing in the world to her.

He felt about one more time but his hand stopped short of the other thing that was hidden there. The tale of Spike and the Slayer didn't want to be found. Not in this lifetime, anyway.

"Nothing else," he said, carefully replacing the board. He handed the book to Buffy who was now wearing her normal attire again. "Is this what you wanted?"

"I think so, is it his?"

She was staring at the book wide eyed, wiping at the dusty cover. Opening it to reveal yet more faded, copper plate script.

"William Angelus?" She ran her finger over the writing as she spoke. "What does this all mean, Spike? Your name, Angel's? This is too damned creepy. Let's get out of here."

"No, Buffy. It's alright. I can feel it too, and whatever it is, it's not nasty. I think it just wanted us to find this. But it won't hurt us, I know that much. Let's go outside."

He rose and strode purposefully to the door.

"Come with me," he said holding out his hand to her. "There's one more thing we have to do and then we can leave them in peace. It's in the garden."

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Buffy followed him down the back corridor and into the kitchen, which was just where she'd thought it would be. It had been modernised at some time but the large open fireplace and old cast iron range had been left in place. They opened the back door and stood on the steps as Spike got his bearings.

Whatever had possessed them in the bedroom seemed to be still with them. Something hovering and shimmering. Coming in and out of focus. One minute she wanted nothing more than to sit on these back steps and stay there with him forever, and the next she just wanted to leave and never come back.

Both good and bad things had happened here, and they needed laying to rest. The energy was very strong now, surrounding them, filling them, leading them forward.

Spike closed his eyes for a second and then pointed towards the woods.

"Tell them to leave the trees, there are things there that mustn't be disturbed."

"What?" Buffy clutched the journal to her chest, gripping it hard to stop her hands shaking. "What the hell are you talking about, Spike, can we just go?"

He turned to her and held out his hand once more. "Don't be frightened Come, there's something we need to see."

Her hand was reaching for his seemingly of its own accord. He held it gently, letting her walk ahead of him as he steered her towards what looked like another garden, enclosed by an iron railing. He opened the gate for her and she passed through, lifting her skirts as she did so. His hair needed cutting, she would do that for him when they went back inside. He'd always loved her messing with his hair.

"We should have brought flowers," she said, looking around the small graveyard. And there was that feeling again. She'd been here before, or she'd dreamed it, she just couldn't tell. She dropped his hand and bent to read the inscriptions, testaments to people who had lived long ago.

They weren't here. She went from one to another, aware that Spike was looking too until she spotted them, two stones marking one grave, together in the far corner. One had cracked at some time and was leaning across the other, almost as if it wouldn't bear to be apart from it. Buffy knelt in front of them and smoothed away the ivy that was creeping over the surface, like a thread binding the two stones together.

She traced the inscription with her finger and then looked back at Spike who was standing quietly by, his hands folded in front of him.

"Oh my god, Spike, they're here."

He held his hand out to her once more. "No Buffy, they're here."

She took it and let him pull her up, smoothing out the thin, filmy material of her skirts as she did so. Moving towards him as his fingers laced with hers, and his other hand slipped to the small of her back. She'd never waltzed before, but suddenly she knew all the steps as he moved her slowly round.

"Can you feel it Buffy? The past, present and the future, it's all around us, right now."

She nodded as she buried her head into his chest, the dance slowing to a gentle swaying. Her mouth was very dry as she spoke.

"I can feel it, Spike." She pointed to the gravestones. "We're walking the same path that they did."

She felt his finger under her chin then, angling her face upwards so that he could look into her eyes.

"What do you want of me, Buffy. I've never known what you really wanted."

Everything was on show just then, nothing hidden in those dark blue eyes of his that always held so much emotion.

"I want you, just you, William."

He replied without hesitation. "Then you have me, now and always. Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it. I'd save the world for you if only you'd let me."

She looked away from him then, ashamed that she'd kept secrets and not trusted him as she should have.

"What do you want of me?"

She felt his grip tighten on her arm and his voice, when he answered her, was low, and intense.

"I want your body, your heart and your soul. Does that cover everything?"

"Just about," she said smiling back at him. "Kiss me now to show you mean what you say."

Their lips met, an achingly sweet touch building to a fierce possessiveness. His arms pulling her against him as time eddied and swirled about them. She could feel it now. The happiness and love of two special souls who'd lived long ago. Once in a lifetime you might meet that special person and love comes knocking on your door. How will you ever know, if you don't open it and ask it in? If you leave it there standing in the cold, that's what you'll be.

Cold, all your life.

The past reached out to her as Spike's lips continued to move over hers, and she wondered if she should open that door. A love like this comes only once in a lifetime, and it was here, in her arms. She shouldn't let it go again.

Then the past faded away and it was just Buffy and Spike, Slayer and Vampire, standing in the graveyard of a burnt -out old house. The people who were buried here had lived their lives and died long ago. They'd had their chance at love. Now it was her turn, she thought, breaking the kiss to breathe. He might not have to, but she did.

This was here, and this was now, and this was all they had. You can remember the past and dream of the future, but all you really have is this moment in time.

"Spike, when were you vamped?"

"1880. Same year he died. Coincidence, Buffy, nothing more."

There wasn't anything else to say except that that she thought that the house and grounds should be left as they were and not interfered with. Spike agreed, as he slipped his hand into hers and led her away.

A slight breeze rustled the leaves on the trees, causing Buffy to look back one last time as they returned to the car.

"Thank you," she whispered. I'll keep your book safe, and you will be remembered."

And the breeze caressed her, and lifted her hair, and it whispered back.

She squeezed Spike's hand as she heard it, and he tilted his head and looked at her in that way he had of asking questions without words.

And she smiled back at him and simply said, "Yes."

The End

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It's so hard ending a story like this, but I hope I've managed to keep them in character to the end. I've written the journals giving us a look at their lives and children and it will be up soon.

What on earth can I say that will adequately convey my thanks to everyone who has supported this story so generously? To all of you who have read and taken the trouble to review, those of you who have mailed me personally, I send a great big hug and a million thanks. I really wanted it to be finished for Chirstmas and I send particular thanks to Lady Anne my wonderful beta who has always been there for me with her advice and friendship as well as being a great editor, and to Becky who always gives insightful comment despite juggling two kids who seem to spend their time throwing up on her. And hi, Hazel - remember when we first thought of this idea? It's nothing like it really, is it? I think I like this William a lot better though.

I'm always terrified of mentioning names because I might offend someone by leaving them out so please know that I've appreciated each and every imput and thank you all again. It's hard letting go of characters lke these. They really do start to feel like real people after a while and being historical it's easier to think that they did exist somewhere in the past. I like to think of them sitting on the back steps of the mansion, in the evening, happy and content.