Disclaimer:


Buffy the Vampire Slayer & the Angel television series are the property of Joss Whedon (Poster boy for evilly brilliant geniuses) Mutant Enemy (with that too funny Grr Arg vamp logo) and a whole host of other wonderfully lucky entities that are not me. *Side Note: If those entities ever wanna share with me, I’ll gladly take Spike and James if possible.* This story is not intended to infringe upon the copyrights of those rightful owners it is simply me borrowing the characters for a bit to write them in situations I would have liked to see in the show. :-)

Author’s Notes:


With the resurrection of Spike (my favorite character from all things Buffy) on the Angel series I have begun watching that show and this story will contain many spoilers from season 5 of Angel (up to epsiode 5x05) as well as lots of references back to random episodes throughout the BtVS & Angel series.

It is at times intended to be a heartbreaking tale of longing, regret and lost love as well as having some seemingly tragic moments of love that cannot be, so in the beginning I warn that tissues may very well be needed to read the story, but it’s gonna have one hell of a happy Spuffy ending.

Also, there will be some smut ‘cause Spike tends to inspire such moments in fiction, BUT this is a series that will be heavy on plot and the sex is really there to just highlight the powerful emotions and connection between Buffy & Spike.

Story Summary:


Having truly realized her love for Spike only in the final moments of Chosen Buffy is struggling to handle her pain and responsibilities with little success until she learns something to turn her world upside down again. Somehow, someway Spike is in LA with Angel.

Without any specific details about what is going on she rushes to Los Angeles to be with her lost love only to be hit with the news of his 'ghost' status. Willow and the Fang Gang work to restore Spike using the same ritual Wolfram & Hart did to bring Darla back in the Angel series.

As a human again, with a few perks, Spike and Buffy make their plans for futures neither of them had ever dared dream of for themselves.

Other pairings implied in the series: Willow/Kennedy, Angel/Eve and Andrew/Xander

// // Contain the song’s lyrics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It Was (Prologue)

//I guess we guess our way through life//
//How many times do we really know for sure//

Spike awoke with a start on the cot and the First vanished from Buffy’s sight.

"Buffy?" he asked her with a bit of sleepy confusion and a lot of loving concern on his face, "Is something wrong?"

She almost smiled at him - a smile to show that she returned that love, but this wasn’t the time for that.

"No. Yeah. I just realized something. Something that really never occurred to me before. We're gonna win," she answered instead. For once in her life she knew something without a doubt and felt no fear or hesitation in admitting and facing that knowledge.

They were going to beat this.

//I was just hoping for the best//
//Then I woke up in those lovin' arms of yours//

There were no words to describe what he’d done for her by being there in that abandoned house.

That he truly cared that much, touched her heart and soul in ways that were still so new they scared her. The words he said to express his love to her cracked every wall she’d ever tried to erect around her heart to keep him out and as he slid in through those cracks she became stronger than she’d ever been before.

He had in her something she had lost so long ago.

Faith – belief in herself and good and the future.

Being held in his arms that night healed her. Every doubt she had faded. Her insecurities were brushed aside by his hand lovingly stroking her hair as he held her head to his chest and they were replaced with the conviction that she could do anything that this battle required of her.

To leave him the following morning had been hard to do, but he had given her the strength and conviction to be able to do this and do it on her own.

Still she wished she had done more than slip from his loving arms, jot down an impersonal little note and leave.

She should have moved a little closer to his body and held him as tightly as he had held her through the night. She should have allowed her fingers to trace his features and memorize the feel of his soft cool skin as her eyes recorded the moment forever – the peace and serenity of his expression as he slept beside her. She should have kissed him, a feather light touch of her lips to his or his forehead or his stunning cheekbone, but she knew that would wake him and she’s had to do it alone even if he would be with her in spirit making sure she succeeded.

//What I felt was unmistakable//
//When I fell for you//

Looking back, Buffy could see hundred of moments that told her she was fooling herself by labeling what she felt for Spike as anything other than what it was.

When he made love to her or simply fucked her brains out, she told herself it was just lust. An itch that needed scratched and he was the only one volunteering for the duty.

When he said he loved her, she told herself he was a demon and didn’t know a damned thing about love.

When they fought, fists and feet flying at each other, she told herself it was hatred driving them to hit harder with their blows and verbal jabs.

When they simply talked she told herself it wasn’t friendship or love or companionship it was a lack of any other options for her. He was the only one who wouldn’t be all surprised and judgmental about what she felt and said because he was an evil dead thing that had felt and said much worse in his life so he’d never dare judge her.

When he smiled at her, touched her body as if worshipping her, looked into her eyes with love and desire and want and need and such care, she told herself the reactions she had were simply from being admired. It didn’t matter that Xander had often looked at her in a similar fashion back in the beginning and never once had she reacted to his open admiration with an increase in her heartbeat as emotions began pounding through her system. Only when Spike looked at her like that did her stomach flip over, her knees go weak, her core grow moist and heart ache with the need to allow herself to look back at him with the same things in her eyes.

But always she told herself it wasn’t love on her part.

//Who thought I could laugh so hard//

He’d made her happy.

So often he’d know just what to say or how to look at her to make all her burdens lighter and get a reluctant smile or uncontrollable laugh from her.

//Then turn around and cry so many tears//

They had hurt each other so much.

To deny the depths of their emotions and the pain they were capable of causing each other with that denial they had attacked verbally with insults and truths that tore at their guts and left them both sobbing with regret and remorse.

She had cried her eyes out at how much he made her feel and the unbelievable things she loved doing with him. She had sobbed over having pushed him too far and nearly gotten raped in response then sobbed at him going on to someone else before leaving her completely.

She’d cried at knowing that she had hurt him so much and allowed herself to be hurt just as much by her actions. She’d wept her heart out at how beautiful and pure their love was when he came back to her with a soul.

Now tears leaked from her eyes every time she closed them and tried to sleep without dreaming of all they’d had and she would never have again.

//I used to have so many doubts//
//But one by one you made them disappear//

She had been broken after they all voted her out like the weakest link when she had always tried to be the strongest.

As always he had come to her.

She’d wanted to quit, been ready to really finally give up, and he reminded her that wasn’t her style.

"You were their leader, and you still are. This isn't something you gave up, it's something they took," he had looked into her eyes so passionately as he said it. "We can take it back."

She’d had enough of it. The responsibility, the pain, the guilt, the inability to feel things that others so often took for granted and abused.

"Being the slayer made me different, but it’s my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me and I just slip away," she remembered the conversation and smiled bitterly at the way she’d chuckled then. "You should know."

"I seem to recall a certain amount of connecting," he had smirked a little as he sat next to her on that bed.

"We were never close," she had lied in an attempt to close the connection between them. "You just wanted me because I was...unattainable."

He’d jumped up and turned on her angrily, "You think that’s all it was?"

"Please, let’s not go over the past," she couldn’t handle more emotions at that moment.

"Oh, no no," typical Spike wasn’t about to let it go down like that. "Let's hold on here. I'm hummed along to your pity-ditty, and I think I should have the mic for a bit."

"Fine," she had tried for her bitchiest tone. "The stage is yours. Cheer me up."

"You’re insufferable," he’d said with such conviction the words stabbed her unprotected heart.

"Thank you," she attempted to hide the hurt caused. "That really helped."

"I’m not trying to cheer you up," his beautiful blue eyes had locked with hers.

"What are you trying to say?" she had had to know.

"I don’t know. I’ll know when I’m done saying it," she still smiled at the memory of those words and the way he’d said them. "Something pissed me off and I just – ‘unattainable.’ That’s what it was."

"Fine. I’m attainable," she had said tiredly. "I’m an attain-a-thon. May I please just go to sleep?"

"You listen to me," he had refused to give in to her defeated spirits and knelt before on as she sat on the bed. "I’ve been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls," his emotional eyes locked powerfully with hers. "A hundred plus years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of: you."

It had taken all her strength not to crumble under those words. To look away from him rather than throw herself into his arms and find solace.

"Hey, look at me," he turned her gaze back to his with a firm yet gentle hand. "I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me," she had loved him so much in that moment nothing could have stopped the tear that fell from her eyes at his words. "I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy."

"I don’t wanna be the one," she had said quietly while mentally adding, "for anyone but you."

Then he had made her laugh, like only he could with a smirking, "I don't wanna be this good looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear."

Just like that she had been restored.

His words had put the life and fire and strength back inside her.

//What I found was unbelievable//
//But I believe it's true//

In his arms she found things she had never known with another.

All that she had felt for Angel and Riley in the entirety of those relationships could never compare to what she felt in one moment in Spike’s embrace.

From his being the most unlikely source of comfort for her when her mother first became sick to the instant his fingers meshed tightly with her own as they said their final goodbye, he somehow became the only one.

//You ask what I felt//
//When you walked through the door//
//Was it fear? Was it clear?//
//It was all that and more//

It wasn’t until that night after leaving him to get the scythe that she saw him again due to his inability to follow her in the daylight.

He walked in the front door of her house and there was such relief in him when he saw her walking down the stairs with the weapon in hand.

"Well, pointy and wooden is not exactly the look I wanna know better, but it does have flair. Can see why a girl would ditch a fella for one of these," he had said when she tried to distract him with talk of the scythe.

"I'm sorry about that," she had said with quiet honesty as she turned from his soul seeing gaze.

"It doesn't matter. You're back in the bosom," he had followed her toward the kitchen. "All's forgiven. And, uh," he had moved in front of her and looked at her a little uncertainly, "last night...was just a glitch. A bit of cold comfort from the cellar dweller. Let's don't make a thing out of it."

"Great. I have work to do," she had tried to dismiss it all as he appeared to be doing.

They’d bickered a bit trying to deny their feelings and he turned to leave and this time she was the one to follow.

"You're a dope," she had had to say.

"I'm a what?" he had asked in surprise.

"You're a dope. And a bonehead. And you're shirty," she had continued.

"Have you gone completely carrot-top?"

"Do you see this?" she had asked while indicating the scythe and ignoring yet another of his weird British expressions. "This may actually help me fight my war. This might be the key to everything. And the reason I'm holding it is because of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. Look, I am tired of defensiveness and weird, mixed signals. You know, I have Faith for that. Let's just get to the truth here, OK? I don't know how you felt about last night, but I will not - "

"Terrified," he had interrupted with a shaky breath as he looked away from her.

"Of what?" she wondered if they were the same fears she had at that moment.

"Last night was..." he had exhaled slowly and looked up, "God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this."

"Spike…" she had no idea what she would have said, maybe she had just needed to feel his name on her lips at that moment.

"It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that, 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but - " he had said with such passion and nerves and near fear.

"I just told you it did," she looked into his eyes and guesses now that she had succeeded in disguising the love she felt for him then.

He had sighed with such hope and relief before saying, "Yeah...I hear you say it, but... I've lived for soddin' ever, Buffy. I've done everything. Done things with you I can't spell, but... I've never... been close... to anyone. Least of all, you. 'Til last night. All I did was...," he looked at her and smiled so softly her heart nearly burst at the memory, "hold you, watch you sleep. And it was the best night of my life. So, yeah... I'm... terrified."

"You don't have to be," she had said softly and hoped those words would be enough.

"Were you there with me?" he had looked at her as if he needed to believe the words but had been hurt too much allow himself to accept them.

"I was," she had met his gaze head on without reserve or hesitation with the whole truth shining in her eyes.

"What does that mean?" he had so obviously been afraid to believe in what he was seeing and hearing beyond her spoken words.

"I don’t know," she didn’t have the courage to make a full confession just then. "Does it have to mean something?" she would have told him everything if he pushed her to.

"No," part of her will always regret that he hadn’t pushed. "Not right now."

"Maybe when," she had begun not knowing where she intended to take the statement.

"No," he had stopped her wishful thinking with an upraised hand, "let's just leave it."

"Ok," she had agreed almost gratefully.

"We’ll go be heroes," he had ended the moment by saying.

And he had been that, she thought tearfully.

//It was real ... it was magic//

The first time she’d taken him inside herself.

Part of her still couldn’t believe it had happened, but she remembered every second of it.

She’d felt his erection beneath those tight jeans he wore and as if possessed she’d pushed her skirt and underwear out of the way, unzipped his pants and sank down on his hard length.

Her world had slowed as she felt him sink into her, filling a void she’d had her entire life and filling it so perfectly the moment had been magical for them both.

His expression in that moment would never fade from her memory and she’d never try to push it out.
It had been so beautiful and captured the essence of their joining.

Surprise, disbelief, love, desire, need, want, hunger, passion, trust, fear – it had all been there in that moment between them.

//It was calm ... it was savage//

They had run the gamut of emotions.

Most of the time it had been rough and cold and angry and hard. They had screwed, fucked and mated. The only thing soft about it being their flesh and they had bit and clawed that softness to mar it with cuts and bites and bruises to attest to the lack of any gentleness in what they had.

But then they had moments like their very last time together in the basement of her house on a ratty little cot with a house full of friends and practical strangers above their heads preparing for the battle to come. Those times they had lovingly explored each other’s bodies. Tracing every contour with light touches of lips and fingertips. Their words had been soft and while she never spoke of loving him she would tell him with sighs and whimpers and hesitant whispers how much those moments touched her inside and out.

That last time, a stolen moment to be together and show each other with their bodies the things they could not say aloud, had shown her the truth of the lies she’d been trying to tell herself for so long when it came to Spike.

//It was cool as a breeze//

His skin had always been so cool.

He built fires within her that only he could put out with his cool hands and lips and flesh.

//It was warm to the touch//

He’d always marveled at her heat when they made love.

His body would shudder with rapture at her every touch.

When her hot little hands or mouth or body would envelop his he would always cry out in delight at her heat.

//It was never enough//

With their advanced healing and recovery abilities they had rarely just done it once.

Each time they got together to make love or screw they would do it again and again and again and still want to do it again and again and again.

It never lasted long enough to satisfy the aches in both their spirits.

He never went deep enough to stay inside her forever.

She never held him hard enough to prove that it all meant something.

They hadn’t talked enough, touched enough, kissed enough, loved enough for him to be gone.

//It was always too much//

From the beginning it overwhelmed her.

His presence was never a tame one in her life.

He’d scared her in the beginning with his confidence and determination to kill her to add another slayer to his legacy.

After being chipped he’d annoyed, harassed, amused and intrigued her.

When he’d fallen in love with her he had terrified her because she didn’t want it to be real.

His words, his kisses, his touch, his eyes, his truths, his love, his trust, his loyalty and devotion had been more than she could handle.

The feelings, good and bad, that he stirred inside her at all times had been to raw and real and powerful for her to face until too late.

//It did all the things love does//

Anyone who knows anything about life knows that love is what makes it Heaven and Hell on earth.

It is pleasure and pain. Acceptance and rejection. Truth and denial. Hope and cynicism. Strength and weakness. Need and indifference. Control and submission.

Love and hate.

They had it all with so many highs and lows to forever haunt her memories.

//That's how I knew//
//It was//

He’s gone now.

A champion like no other having sacrificed his life for all of theirs.

And with his departure from this life and this world the timer’s gone off to announce that the cookie dough she was just days ago is done baking and ready to eat.

Only problem is the one the cookie was made for is gone.

Of all the mistakes she had made, not telling him she loved him before that very end is the worst.

She’d known before that moment.

She’d known when she tried to deny it to Angel.

She’d known when Spike made love to her even though she had Angel breath and he was stung by the memory of having seen her kiss the man he thought she loved for all eternity.

She’d known when he held her all through that night in a house she’d kind of evicted the rightful owner from.

She’d known when she realized Giles was distracted her with his ‘training’ to prevent her from being there to protect Spike from Robin. Known by the tears that streamed down her face as she ran and prayed she wouldn’t reach him too late.

She’d known when she saved him from the First – when she had had to save him from the First.

Part of her had known throughout every second they had known each other that he was the one for her.

But she had never said it in a time or place he would believe her and so he died for her without knowing that he had her heart and it had broken in ways she never would have dreamed possible as she held his hand and watched him begin to burn under the sun’s rays while he saved the world.

Now all she had were the memories.

The moments she would cherish forever of when they laughed and loved and fought side by side, so in sync they were as one in their strength.

And the regret that would haunt her forever that she had confessed to him too late what it was.

Chapter One

She was laying on her side hugging her pillow to her chest and trying to sleep when he came to her.

She didn’t feel the bed sink beneath his weight as he joined her there. Her first clue that she was no longer alone had been his familiar fingers tracing the bare expanse of her lightly tanned shoulder before his hand curled around her upper arm as he moved to kiss the nape of her neck with his cool lips.

"Spike," she sighed with all the absolute rapture she felt at being with him again.

"I’m here, luv," he assured her as his hand slid down her arm to move over her hip and upper thigh. "Didn’t really think I’d ever leave you, did you?"

"I was so afraid you wouldn’t get back to me," her eyes grew moist and she pressed her face into the pillow she held to keep the tears from falling.

His arms came around her tightly and his lips kissed their way from the back of her neck to her waiting lips.

"Nothing," he said between kisses, "nothing will ever keep me from getting to you again."

"I love you so much," she whispered against his lips. "You have to believe me this time, Spike, I love you so much."

"I know you do, luv. I’ve always known just like you’ve always known I love you right back," his words were so soft and gentle even as his hands began moving harder over her body.

"I need you, Spike," her body started grinding urgently into his hands and touch. "I’m so empty without you. So incomplete," she rolled onto her back and pulled his body between her legs and over her. "Fill me again," she begged. "Please, Spike, make me whole again."

"Anything," he whispered into her ear as he joined their starving bodies together, "anything you need, luv, I will always give it to you."

"I just need you," she wrapped her legs around his gently thrusting hips and slid one hand into his bleached blonde hair as the other lovingly traced his cheekbones and soft lips. "I need you so much, Spike."

As she said those words his beautiful blue eyes opened wide and went away from hers, turning to stare intently at something just beyond her that she could not see.

"No," she sobbed as she recognized this moment all too well, "Spike don’t leave me again."

But it was happening and her tears and pleading did nothing to stop it.

"I’ll always love you, Buffy," he said as his body began to burn and dissolve into ash above her.

Her grasping fingers went through his image as her mind wanted so badly to stay in the dream as she screamed out his name.

Buffy sprang upright in her bed with tears streaming down her face and both her hands outstretched in their attempt to pull him back to her – to hold him a little longer.

Staring at those hands she pulled the left one in and cradled it against her heart. She still felt the heat there from having held his burning hand before he made her leave to save her life. She still remembered the way that hand had begun to crumble away in hers as she didn’t want to leave without him – didn’t ever want to let go of him again.

She had let go, though, and she’d have to live with that the rest of her life.

~*~*~

Standing outside her sister’s room in the hotel suite they were staying in while in Germany, Dawn wondered as she did every night since they’d left the ruins of Sunnydale if she should go in there and try to offer some kind of comfort.

As always, though, she just stood there and listened to Buffy sob until her voice broke over Spike’s name, which was said often and with such longing during these nightly sessions.

Two months, Dawn thought as she turned to go back to her own bedroom.

For two months they had been traveling the globe to help all the new ‘slayers’ in the world adjust to the powers they now had thanks to Willow’s spell and while Buffy was "fine" during the day, every night she cried out for Spike.

Checking the alarm clock on her bedside table she saw it was after 2 am and did a quick calculation to figure out the time in Los Angeles.

She was pretty sure it would be about 5 pm, so she picked up the telephone and dialed the long series of numbers that would connect her to Willow’s apartment in LA.

"Hello?" asked a female voice after two rings.

"Hi, Kennedy, is Willow there?"

"Sure, let me go get her," Willow’s lover said before apparently putting the receiver down and going in search of the redhead.

"Hey, Dawnie," the Wiccan said a moment later when she came to the phone. "What are you doing calling this late? It’s gotta be like tomorrow there."

"That’s kinda why I’m calling," Dawn sighed. "She’s getting worse."

"Still with the crying all night?" Willow asked with worry in her voice.

"I can’t keep going through this night after night, Will. She talks to him. Every night, she talks to him like he’s there then she wakes up screaming and crying for him and I just can’t keep seeing her like this," the teenager choked out with a sob.

"Dawnie, I know you hate hearing this, but maybe you shouldn’t be traveling with her. Come back to California and stay with me or Xander or even your father."

"The last thing she needs right now is for me to leave her too," Dawn said with a quiet sniffle. "And I need to be with her."

"Do you want me to try talking to her?"

"I do and I don’t. Every day she acts like it doesn’t happen and I still can’t bring myself to let her know that I hear her and know what she’s doing. If you talk to her she’ll know I know and I talked to you instead of talking to her and it’ll be a whole bunch of bad feelings."

"Has Giles noticed anything?"

"Buffy kinda broke us off from him," Dawn confessed while biting her lower lip.

"What? What do you mean ‘broke you off from him,’" Willow asked worriedly.

"She stills doesn’t trust him after what he tried to do to Spike. It got bad them trying to work together all friendly and like it used to be so they decided it would be better for her to work here and him to work somewhere else to get this job done faster."

"Where is he?"

"He finished up Japan and Southeast Asia then went back to his place in England," Dawn said, "I think."

"Wow and you guys are still in Europe?"

"We’re taking our time to connect with these girls so they aren’t all freaked out by the whole superpowers to protect humanity from the undead and demons thing," Dawn defended.

"Oh-kay," the woman on the other end said with a little laugh. "Let me do a quick locator on him."

Just like that Willow was off leaving Dawn sitting there twiddling her thumbs while she worked a quick mojo to find out where Buffy’s former watcher was.

"He’s not at his apartment, he’s in Westbury," Willow said a few minutes later as she returned to the phone.

"Isn’t that where - "

"The coven, yeah, but I don’t think there’s much of them left after the First," the witch interrupted. "It looks like that’s where he’s set up shop for now, though, and I think you should go to him there."

"Why? And how am I supposed to convince Buffy?"

"Why because it sounds like you need him and as for the how tell Buffy just that. That you think you should be with Giles right now. You both should be with Giles right now."

~*~*~

With a scalding hot shower to revive her skin and icy cold water splashed over her face to try and dull the obvious signs of her sobfest Buffy was ready to put on her mask and face the day.

She purposefully avoided her reflection in the mirror, knowing that what she saw would prove the mask a lie and not a very good one at that.

"I bring you highly caffeinated and super hot coffee," Dawn said cheerfully as she entered the bedroom moments after Buffy returned to it from her shower.

"Thanks," Buffy gave her sister a slight smile and took the mug she was offering. "You’re all perky," she observed between sips of the hot liquid. "You been drinking this stuff, too?"

"No, no coffee for Dawn," her sister smiled then grew all serious and a bit nervous. "I’m attempting to gain brownie points."

"What are you after?" Buffy sat down on the bed and waved her sibling to do the same.

"I want us to go to England and be with Giles.

"That’s direct and unexpected," the slayer said with a questioning look.

"This flitting around the world that we’re doing it’s been really cool and fun, but it’s old and I’m tired and I miss the almost like a family vibe we had when Giles was with us so I wanna go to England and be with him," the teenager confessed with her head dropped forward so her long brown hair covered her face.

"Oh," Buffy blinked repeatedly and swallowed the hurt her sister’s words caused her.

"And it’s more than that," Dawn took a steadying breath and met her sister’s gaze head on. "I hear. I’ve heard you every night since Spike … saved the world and I can’t take it anymore. You’re hurting so much and it’s hurting me so much not being able to do anything to help you and I know how being with Giles only reminds you of how he tried to kill Spike, but he was your watcher and someone you loved and trusted and he’s the only one who can help you right now and we need to be with him."

Gulping down the contents of her mug, Buffy rose and walked slowly to the window in her room. As she stared out over the city – she couldn’t even remember where they were this week – she struggled with the pain any mention of Spike sent through her and the guilt she felt for now knowing that she hadn’t been at all effective in hiding that pain.

"Why didn’t you tell me sooner?" she asked with her voice breaking over the words as she looked at her sister.

"The first night I knew I couldn’t even try to comfort you and then the next morning you were all fine and dandy it never happened and that’s just how it kept going every night and every day and I just didn’t know what to say," Dawn looked at her with watery eyes. "I miss him, too, more than I thought I would and it all hurts so much, Buffy. I wanna go home and Giles is the closest thing we have to that now."

"I’ll make the arrangements you start packing."

Chapter Two

They stepped off the plane with the carryon suitcases that were all they’d been traveling with these long weeks they’d been trotting around the globe.

Happy to be on ground that felt somewhat familiar Dawn looked at her sister with a relieved smile that was eventually returned.

Silently they walked side by side through the gate and Buffy ground to a stunned halt upon seeing her former watcher apparently waiting for their arrival.

"Willow called me," Giles said simply as the girls made their way to him.

Still without saying a word Buffy nodded her acceptance of that statement as Dawn happily threw herself in the older man’s arms.

"Have you any baggage to collect?" the watcher asked over her sister’s shoulder as he hugged the girl back.

Buffy raised her carryon with the silent message that that was all they had and the man nodded before freeing himself from Dawn’s embrace.

"I’ve a car outside," he informed them both. "Shall we go?"

Silently the trio made their way through the bustling airport and outside to make their way to his car and then wherever they would be staying.

~*~*~

"All settled in, I trust," Giles greeted Buffy as she came down the stairs of his house for dinner.

"Dawn’s happy," she replied coolly.

"Willow filled me in," he informed her with a touch of indifference in response to her attitude. "Even dead he’s trying to destroy you."

Eyes opening wide in fury, Buffy lunged at her former watcher and slammed him back against a wall with her hand on his throat.

"Do. Not. Ever. Talk. About. Him. Like that. Again," she said through clenched teeth. "He never tried to destroy me. All he ever did was love me and try to make me the incredible woman he saw me as."

Giles looked her straight in the eye and calmly removed her hand from his throat.

"Exactly," he said as he gasped for breath. "So why are you acting like this with him gone. You know what it would do to him to hear what Dawn has to say about how you pass the nights. Stop doing it, move on and be strong like he would have wanted."

"Is that what that was about? More of your damned cruel to be kind teachings?" she swallowed the pain and anger inside her and turned away from the man.

"Someone has to be, Buffy, and unfortunately with you that duty has always fallen on me. It’s why you’re here," he informed her quietly.

"So, um, we’re not gonna have some bland and gross English dish for dinner are we?" Dawn asked awkwardly from the stairs behind them.

"English dishes may be bland on occasion, but they certainly are not gross," the Englishman said wryly as he removed and cleaned his glasses.

"Need I remind you that I know what’s in that ‘hot pot’ thing you tried to feed me back in Sunnydale. Anything with lamb neck and kidneys in the recipe is totally gross," the teenager teased with a grin to ease the tension in the room.

"Lamb kidneys. That was lamb kidneys?" Buffy asked in horror at the revelation. "I ate lamb kidneys?"

~*~*~

After two days with Giles Dawn was completely back to her carefree teenaged self and Buffy had managed to keep her nightly grieving so quiet that both her sister and former watcher believed she too was improving with this change of scenery.

The slayer knew the truth of that lie, though.

She wasn’t getting better. Her dreams and nightmares weren’t going away. Her need and love and longing for Spike were growing stronger not lessening so that she could feel normal again.

And that is why on the third night of her stay with Rupert she was quietly roaming the halls of his house searching for something to distract her from her mourning.

"She’s finally showing signs of improvement, this is the last thing we need. Are you certain there is no mistake?" she heard suddenly when she arrived downstairs and passed his office on the way to the library.

Something about the low and secret way he was speaking at this late hour within that office had her stopping in her tracks outside the door as her ears focused in to try and hear more.

"He died. There was nothing left of him or Sunnydale. Nothing to bring back or have back, your sources must be wrong," her watcher said firmly to whoever he was talking to. "With your own eyes and ears?" she heard after a moments pause. "So … Spike is in LA," Giles said tiredly.

"Repeat that for me," Buffy said to the man after bursting into the room without even knowing she had moved.

"I will have to call you back," Giles muttered into the receiver he held before dropping in its cradle and rising to go to his liquor cabinet.

"Tell me that you did not just say what I think you said," she ordered in her hardest tone.

Calmly he opened a bottle and poured some of its contents into two glasses before picking one up for himself and moving to hand the other one to her.

"I wish that I could just as much as I wish you hadn’t been eavesdropping on that particular call," the man sat down in his chair behind the desk and took a sip of his drink. "How long were you listening."

"Long enough to imagine I heard you say that Spike is in LA," she met his gaze. "Is Spike really in LA?"

Giles gulped down the remainder of the amber liquid in his glass then gave her a simple, "Yes" of confirmation.

"How long?"

"Your entrance," he glanced pointedly at the door behind her that was hanging crooked on it’s hinges, "prevented me from getting the exact details. All I know is that apparently he’s back, at Wolfram & Hart and that those two facts are being closely guarded by Angel."

She studied him closely for any signs that he was lying, but the reluctance and weariness written all over her former watcher spoke to the truth of his statement.

"I’ll be leaving as soon as I make the arrangements," she knocked back the drink he’d given her then rose to her feet. "I trust you’ll be able to drive me to the airport?"

He moved to close up his liquor cabinet as he gave her a nod of agreement.

"And Dawn?"

"Goes with me always," Buffy stated as she left the office to make some calls and get packed.

~*~*~

"Dawnie, wake up."

Not wanting to wake up from the great dream she was having Dawn muttered and smacked away the hand on her shoulder trying to shake her awake.

"Dawn, wake up. We’re leaving."

"What?"

Those last two words ringing clear as a bell in her sleep fogged mind awakened the teenager and she stared at her sister in disbelief.

"Wake up, get packed, we’re going to LA," Buffy said firmly.

"Now?! What time is it? And what’s in LA?" she asked groggily.

"Yes, now. Our flight leaves at 4:40 and Spike is in LA."

"Buffy," Dawn stilled at that and looked at her sibling worriedly. "Spike is dead. He died in Sunnydale. I know it hurts and you may not want to accept that, but we all saw it happen."

"He’s alive," Buffy said to her with a smile touching her lips and tears springing to her eyes. "Ask Giles. I’m not crazy or dreaming or wishful thinking here. Spike is in LA and we’re gonna go get him."

"How much time do I have to get ready?" Dawn subdued her reservations and slid from the bed.

"Twenty minutes to get dressed and pack."

~*~*~

"You aren’t coming with us?" Dawn was asking Giles while Buffy got their passports and papers in order for departure.

"I believe this is one reunion I’ll gladly pass on," the Englishman said with a glance in the slayers direction.

Buffy ignored him and the silent reprimand in that look as their flight was announced.

"That’s us," she gave the man an abrupt nod then grabbed Dawn’s arm to lead her sister to the proper gate.

"Buffy," Giles called out before they got to far away from him.

She paused and looked back at him over her shoulder.

"You always have my number. If you need me call it and I will help you."

"Thank you," she replied before turning to continue on her way.

After making sure their flight took off on time and without problems, Rupert hurried to his car to get back home. Once there he went straight to his study and dialed an all too familiar phone number.

"They’re on their way," he said the second the call was answered.

"I knew I should’ve kept my big blabber mouth shut," Willow’s sigh of regret echoed across the phone lines.

"No, Willow, it was something we all needed to know," he assured the girl. "Unfortunately Buffy decided to listen in at a rather revealing moment."

"Was she … much with the mad?"

"My study door will need replaced, but in all honesty I don’t think she’s really believing what she heard. And I am in a similar situation. How could he have survived that?" Giles sighed.

"Uh … that’s something I probably should’ve said up front. He … um … didn’t survive it."

"What on Earth does that mean?"

"It means you need to tell me when their flight should be landing so I can head them off at the airport."

Chapter Three

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I’m awake, mom," Willow sat up abruptly in response to the elbow jabbing into her ribs.

"Their flight’s been diverted to Vegas because of the fires," Kennedy informed her ‘awake’ partner.

"What?" the redhead rubbed her gritty eyes. "When?"

"It landed there two hours ago."

"Two hours? And you’re only just telling me this now?" Willow was wide awake and on her feet.

"Sorry. I dozed too and when I woke up it took me forever to get the information from the witc–bitch manning the information desk."

"So she probably rented a car to make it the rest of the way. This is not good."

"I know. Isn’t Buffy supposed to be one of the world’s worst drivers? I mean does she even have a license?" Kennedy tried to relax her girlfriend with a joke.

"She is and she somehow did manage to actually get a California license, but that is so not the source of the bad. She’s coming here expecting to find Spike all … there and when she doesn’t …. we have to call Angel."

~*~*~

"Car accidents are so not fun, do you think you could try a little harder not to get us into one?" Dawn asked as her hands gripped her seatbelt tighter and she cringed as her sister swerved past the car on the highway in front of them.

"Dawnie, do not tell me how to drive," Buffy responded with her eyes on the road, both hands clenched on the wheel and her right foot pressed hard on the gas pedal. "I am not going to wreck."

"Can you pull over and put that in writing for me so I have proof that you don’t know what the heck you’re talking about?"

"Tiredness and distractions are the number one cause of accidents in the United States. We were crammed on a plane for eight hours straight, forced to hang out in an loud airport for our four hour layover and then back on a plane for nearly four more no fun filled hours after which we still have not reached our destination so the tired I’ve got plenty of," Buffy took her eyes off the road to glare at her sibling. "Do you really wanna be bickering with me right now to add that distraction to the mix?"

"Good point," the teenager said after a moment before closing her eyes and making a big show of praying as her sister drove on.

~*~*~

"And how exactly is it that you found out to lead to Buffy finding out?" Angel raked his hands through his hair ‘causing it to stand up in even more disarray than usual.

"Really a long beside the point story. All that matters is she and Dawn are on their way and they are under the impression that Spike is here here for them to see," Willow bit her lip and flopped down in a chair in the vampire’s office.

"Technically, luv, I am here for them to ‘see,’" Spike informed her with a wry smile.

"Yeah," the redhead glanced at the apparition, "and that’s really kinda givin me the wiggins."

"Spike, leave," Angel ordered as he sat down heavily behind his desk.

"Sorry, mate, I’m not going anywhere. This whole conversation’s about me and I’ve got bloody good reason to stay put."

"But you can’t be here when they get here," Willow jumped up with panic in her eyes. "Buffy so can’t see you like this."

Spike opened his mouth to say something, but the Wiccan held up a hand to keep him quiet.

"I know you want to see her as much as she wants to see you, but this can only make things worse. She doesn’t know you’re all ghosty and if she finds out without being told there’s no telling how she’ll react. We just need for you to make yourself scarce until we’ve braced her then, hopefully, you’ll get your chance."

"Really, does she need to see him at all?" Angel asked sulkily.

"Yes, she does," Willow looked at the older vampire. "She really does."

~*~*~

"What’s the rush? Can’t we check into a nice hotel to get some sleep or at least go get some nice fatty American food to celebrate our return home?" Dawn whined as Buffy drove in circles trying to find a parking space near the Wolfram & Hart building.

"Angel will feed you and give us a place to crash," the slayer squealed excitedly as she saw a car pulling out of a spot she could take. "Ok, we are good to go."

"Sorry to burst your bubble, sis, but skinny as I am there’s no way I can get out of this car unless you give me more than two inches to open this door," Dawn stared pointedly at how closely her sister had pulled in to the vehicle parked in the slot on the passenger side.

"Party pooper," Buffy pouted as she put the car in reverse and backed up then pulled back into the slot a few more times until it was parked better. "Happy?"

"Utterly joyful," the teenager muttered as she got out of the vehicle and stretched. "I’d forgotten how bright the sun is here," she shielded her eyes from the bright afternoon light.

"Daylight," her sister cringed as she too exited the car. "He’ll probably be sleeping. Dammit."

"He’ll wake up for you," Dawn said a bit jealously as she still sometimes felt the effects of the major crush she’d had on the vampire they were here for.

"What am I going to say to him," Buffy bit her lip and got all nervous now that they were at their destination. "Do I look ok? Oh, God, I’ve got like limp and grungy travel hair, don’t I?"

"Travel hair?"

"And makeup," the young woman ignored the look she was getting from her little sister. "I need to put makeup on. And these clothes have got to go," she looked at herself critically. "We must shop. Now," Buffy opened the driver’s side door and got back in.

"No way am I getting in that deathtrap with you again. I don’t know what miracle kept me alive on the trip here, but I’m not pushing it with a second go."

"But … I need nice clothes and new shoes to face him. I wanna look my best," her sister was leaning across the front seats and practically begging out the passenger side window.

"The things I do for family," Dawn groaned as she reluctantly got back in the car and fastened her seatbelt tight.

~*~*~

"They should be here by now," Angel and Spike were both pacing the office and glaring at each other for showing such similar worry.

"You two are making me way too dizzy to think," Willow closed her eyes and took a deep calming breath. "They’ll be here soon, I’m sure."

"It’s only a four hour drive here from Vegas," Angel growled.

"Oh, dear God," Spike stopped dead in his tracks and stared at them in horror. "Buffy wouldn’t be driving would she?"

"Will you both relax?!" Willow snapped as Angel instantly rushed to the phone and began making calls to see if there had been any accidents on the roads from Las Vegas to Los Angeles. "They’re fine. I sense that."

"No accidents to report involving two women matching Buffy and Dawn’s description," Angel confirmed the redhead’s suspicions a few minutes later as he hung up the phone.

"See," she looked at both skeptical males, "the witch is always right."

Spike’s scarred eyebrow shot up at that in a ‘yeah, right’ look that had the girl blushing then adding, "Ok, most of the time I’m right."

"Why aren’t they here yet?" Angel asked as he resumed his pacing while Spike and Willow continued to argue in a friendly fashion over her accuracy rate in the past.

~*~*~

"Do you really wanna be saying ‘I’m your love slave do with me what you will’ when you see him again?" Dawn asked as Buffy modeled yet another very skimpy outfit for possible wearing to face Spike.

"This does not say that," the blonde argued with a pout.

"It’s leather and it screams ‘take me to a room now and shag my brains out.’"

"He always liked me in leather," Buffy admired the tight fit of the pants she wore, but agreed that maybe the bustier was a bit much.

"Not as much as he liked you out of it," Dawn muttered with a roll of her eyes. "Like that isn’t the truth," the teenager said when her older sister gave her a reprimanding look.

"Be that as it may, you’re too young to be talking like that."

Dawn rose and gave her sibling a look of her own before crossing her arms over her chest and saying, "Should be out doing it like you were at my age instead of talking about it then?"

"I was not doing it when I was your age," her sister stated when she picked her stunned jaw up off the floor. "I’ll have you know I waited until I was 18 and you’d better believe you won’t be doing anything until you’re that old or older. If I ever let you date."

"Like you could stop me," long brown hair was flicked back defiantly as the sisters faced off.

"I may not be able to stop you, but I bet I can scare your dates off in a heartbeat. Not many young guys will stick around when someone’s threatening their manhood with an axe and I still have plenty of axes," shoulder length blonde hair was flipped back in a similar fashion as Dawn had done hers.

"I think you should wear a dress. Something soft and pretty for him," the teenager folded under her big sister’s challenging stare and she switched topics back to the reason they were at the mall. "Something feminine. Save the leather for more private moments that my innocent little mind does not need to know anything about."

"You’re right. He always preferred me wearing skirts," Buffy sighed dreamily and her expression went all soft as she was obviously remembering some private moments that Dawn’s innocent little mind did not need to know about.

Three hours later the sisters breezed into the Wolfram & Hart lobby and strolled easily past security to the elevators with numerous shopping bags in freshly manicured hands.

"Are you sure this looks good?" Buffy asked worriedly as they waited for the elevator to arrive and she fidgeted with the tiny straps holding up the cream colored mini dress she wore.

"You look fabulous, as usual, and I am being eaten alive inside by my jealousy that you got mom’s good looks while I got her figure," Dawn said with equal parts teasing and sincerity while frowning down at the new jeans and T-shirt she wore.

"So you think he’ll like it? And my hair?"

"Have you always been this neurotic about guys? ‘Cause if so I’m really seeing why you never dated as much as you should have."

"I’m not being neurotic and I doubt you even know what that word means," the elevator arrived but Buffy didn’t really notice it. "Spike’s special and I wanna show him that he’s worth all the effort of getting dolled up for. I never really bothered when we were … before."

"You look beautiful and he’s totally going to fall in love with you all over again the second he sees you," Dawn assured her nervous sibling with a genuine smile. "And he’s gonna love the hair."

Unseen by the duo stepping into the lift Kennedy tossed down the magazine she’d been thumbing through in the lobby for what felt like an eternity and rushed to a phone to tip them off upstairs.

Chapter Four

"So you’re the little bird that sang to Red," Spike said as he messed with the things on Fred’s desk, having been banished to her office while the poof and witch had their little powwow with his slayer.

"There was no singing involved," Winifred put her papers back in order as quickly as he disturbed them with that annoying new ability he had to actually interact with the world around him physically. "I needed to bounce some theories off someone with knowledge of the supernatural and you made it clear Wesley was off limits, so that left Willow."

"Had you been paying attention, pet, you would have realized I was asking to keep my problems strictly between us," he pressed a few keys on the keyboard of her computer and stood back to admire his work as she started shrieking at the data he’d lost with his playing. "Is that what that key does? Never really learned much of the tech stuff myself, bloody headache I’ll gladly leave to you mortals."

"Go bother someone else," Fred’s neat bun came undone when she righted her glasses and ran her hands through her hair in frustration. "Lorne’s afternoon is free, I believe."

"You’re wanting to pawn me off on the big green guy with horns that likes those around him to hum him a little ditty? I thought we were mates now."

"You say that like you don’t like Lorne. Everyone likes Lorne."

"Fine, I’ll leave you to it," he began leaving the room. "By the way, pet, even I know enough about computers to hit save before messing with your work. I believe it’s a simple matter of restoring the saved version, so no skin off your back."

His chuckles as he phased through the wall off to bother someone else Fred did as suggested and flopped down in her chair with a relieved sigh at seeing all her work still there.

~*~*~

"Tell me again why she’s here," Buffy ordered as Harmony strolled into Angel’s office with a mug of blood for the brooding man.

"She works here and is perfectly capable of answering such questions herself," Spike’s ex-vampire lover huffed. "Not, that I really want to talk to you. I mean … still the whole you and my blondie bear thing is just … yecch."

"His name is Spike, he is not your anything and the only thing ‘yecch’ here is you and that outfit. Crimson only goes to show how little sun you get now, but feel free to try for a tan again to pull the look off," the slayer glared at the other woman before glancing longingly at the lovely sharp objects gleaming invitingly on the wall behind Angel’s desk.

"Only I get to kill the hired help around here, it’s one of my few perks, so get that look off your face," Angel told his ex firmly as he drank some of his blood. "Harmony, go type or answered phones or whatever you do between filing your nails."

"That is just the kind of hurtful statement from you that has crippled the morale of all your employees," his assistant turned on him with a pout. "Would it kill you to just thank me for the blood and dismiss me with a wave of the hand or a smile?"

"Thank you for the blood, Harmony, now please leave before I start admiring the sharp shiny things behind me," the boss said with a slight glare.

"I repeat," Buffy repeated when the other woman left, "why is Harmony here?"

"I was just as surprised to see her at first as you are, but she’s been with the firm for a bit now and she’s good at her job," Angel finished his blood. "As long as she doesn’t feel the need to chat it works."

"Does Spike - " the slayer broke off and bit her lip.

"I really don’t like seeing your eyes that green over Captain Peroxide, so put any jealousies to rest. He avoids her like the plague as I wish I could avoid him."

"Are we going to get to see him anytime soon?" Dawn asked from the sofa where she sat catching up with Willow. "It is kinda why we’re here."

Willow looked up and exchanged a few pointed glances with Angel before getting to her feet and moving to stand in front of his desk.

"We kind of have something we need to tell you about Spike before you see him," the redhead fidgeted a bit then looked at Buffy. "I guess beating around the bush would just make it all confusing so … I’ll just," she looked to Angel for guidance and he shrugged as if to say he wasn’t touching the topic, "I guess I’ll just come our and say it. Spike is a ghost."

She said the last in a rush that took the sisters a minute to figure out.

"A ghost?" they both said in surprise as they sorted the truth out of Willow’s statement.

"I keep telling you all that he’s more that just a common spectral disturbance," Winifred Burke said as she came into the office with her arms weighed down with books and papers.

"What are … isn’t he …" Willow stammered at seeing the brunette enter.

"With Lorne," Fred waved off the redhead’s concerns then paused, "I think."

"You think?" Angel rose. "I thought you were keeping track of him."

"He’s a free spirit and babysitting him is not necessary. He knows to stay clear of here until they been filled in and I think, being the one to know the most about his exact situation, that I should have some part in the filling them in."

"I think you filled in enough people when you brought Willow in knowing I wanted this kept under wraps. Here I’d been worried about Harmony spilling the beans."

"There were no beans spilled by me. I simply approached Willow with a few hypotheticals trying get some ideas and I can’t be blames if she put two and two together and then told others."

"Hey, you never told me it was a secret and I only told Giles," the witch interrupted with a touch of hurt in her tone at being blamed by the scientist for the current situation.

"Enough," Buffy got to her feet and waved them all into silence. "You say you’re the expert on this situation you start explaining it to me," she told Fred. "Now."

"Ok, it all started when we settled into the offices about three weeks after the destruction of the Hellmouth. Angel opened an envelope out fell the amulet Spike used to save the world and then out of the amulet popped Spike, which was really something to see I mean he just like formed out of thin air into what looked like a solid being until you realized that half of his body was stuck in the desk the amulet had been dropped on and the other half was above the desk and then all of him tried to attack Angel and just ended up going right through him, which started the whole ‘he’s a ghost’ story. The tests I’ve run on him indicate that he isn’t a ghost by paranormal standards. He’s fully visible though lacking the ectoplasmic matrix that makes most apparitions that way, has a warm body temperature rather than the cold chill normally associated with spirits and there is also a high level of brain activity, indicating that he’s actually thinking, processing and interacting with the physical world. ‘Ghosts’ rarely realize the situation they find themselves in as they’re usually bound to this realm by their memories of life and cling only to those memories. Non-corporeal is the phrase that best captures what we’ve learned of Spike. He’s here, but he’s not touchable."

"I’m hoping there’s a version of all that for normal people to understand because the bulk just went way over my head," the slayer said with confusion all over her face.

"Sorry, I get a little carried away," Fred smiled at the other woman. "The last bit is the most important one for you to understand. He’s here, but not touchable."

"If not a ghost then you’re saying he’s like the First? Like one of the First’s mind games?" Dawn asked tearfully.

"No. No mind games. Nothing like the First," Willow assured the girl. "Well, a bit like that with the not able to touch even though you see him thing, but it’s Spike. Really Spike all he has to do is open that mouth of his and start talking and there’s no doubting that it’s him."

"I want to see him now," Buffy said simply.

"Buffy, you do understand what we’re saying, don’t you? You can see him, but he won’t really be there," the redhead placed a hand on her friend’s shoulder.

"You just said it’s really Spike and that we can see and talk to him and I need to see and talk to Spike."

~*~*~

"Show time for you, sunshine," Lorne said with relief dripping from his words.

"Don’t pretend like you aren’t gonna miss me, green," Spike smirked at having successfully annoyed yet another of his grandsire’s lackeys with only have the day gone by.

"As much as I miss my dear Pylean family," the host muttered sincerely.

Pleased smirk still in place Spike left the demon’s office via the door and proceeded to take the long way to Angel’s office.

He wasn’t scared, he told himself firmly.

He was already the dead undead how much worse could it get seeing her again?

Only pain a thousand times worse than that he felt at the end of Sunnydale when his skin and muscles burnt away from bones crumbling to ash as his internal organs exploded inside him and his eyeballs melted in their sockets if she’s only here to thank him for doing the good deed then go back off on her merry way, he answered his own question.

"Would you just go in already?" Harm groaned from behind her desk. "Trust me she’s so eager to see you it’s nauseating so stop pacing and just get in there, get it over with and try not to do anything that makes me require even more therapy. My master vampire ex-boyfriend mooning over the slayer," the git typed away disgustedly at her computer. "I cannot fully express the yecch factors of it all."

"She’s really anxious?" he asked with a touch of nerves showing.

"Yes and disgustingly possessive as well. All I did was call you ‘blondie bear’ once and she was looking to cut my head off."

"Can’t blame her for that, twit, I have the same bloody urge when I hear you say it," he smiled then laughed at the book she threw at him going straight through his body to thud loudly to the floor.

While she began muttering about ‘ghosts’ and ‘idiot boyfriends’ as she clicked and clacked away on her keyboard he took a deep unnecessary breath and went to face his beloved Buffy.

~*~*~

Buffy knew the very second he stepped into the room behind her as she stood awaiting his arrival.

It wasn’t the telltale signs from the other’s in the room that tipped her off. It was her own body.

Even with him however Fred had described him to be, she still knew without looking or being told that he was near from the way her skin tingled and her heart did a little lurch in her chest.

Swallowing convulsively past the knot of nerves in her throat she turned to face him and her heartbeat slowed to a complete stop upon seeing him again before it picked up a rapid rhythm as she fought the urge to rush into his arms.

"Leave us," she ordered without a hint of her extreme emotions showing in her firm tone.

"This is my office, Buffy, there’s no way - "

"Then tell me where we can be alone," she interrupted Angel with a glare.

Obviously feeling awkward in the tense situation Fred gathered up her materials and quickly left the room just as Eve entered to remind Angel of a meeting should have started in the main conference room five minutes ago.

"Fine you can use my office," the vampire said begrudgingly as he stood and fixed his suit to go attend the forgotten meeting. "Don’t even think of trying anything with her in here," he warned Spike on his way out.

"I’m Casper, remember you git?"

The two men glared at each other until Eve forcibly urged her boss along.

"I guess I should go see how Kennedy’s holding up in the lobby," Willow said with nervous glances at Buffy and Spike. "Maybe I can convince security to let her up here now. Dawnie, wanna come with?"

Just then Buffy looked at her sister and saw that she was just as affected by seeing Spike again as the slayer was.

"Hey there, nibblit," he said quietly with a smile at the girl he’d just noticed.

Dawn gasped at the endearment she hadn’t heard in so long and her eyes watered as she rushed forward to hug the man as Buffy was longing to do. When the rushing teenager rushed right through her target and clutched only air Willow and the slayer both gasped.

"Sorry about that, pet," Spike watched the girl whip back around to face him with a look of horror on her face. "Wasn’t expected a hug."

"I," twin tears began rolling down from her eyes, "I forgot I couldn’t touch you. I didn’t think you’d look so touchable and I’d forget you’re not touchable."

Before Willow could try comforting Dawn or the girl could flee as she clearly wanted to, Spike reached out and wiped at the tears on her face.

"Let you in on a little something, nibblit. You may not be able to touch me, but I can touch you so how’s about we try that hug again?"

Chapter Five

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So we’re alone now," Spike said into the growing silence after Buffy finally got her sister to leave the office and shut the doors to give them a bit of privacy. "You look beautiful, luv."

"We went shopping," she smiled at his compliment then tugged nervously at the hem of her dress.

"That explains the delay in your getting here and that pile of shopping bags on the floor," he smiled and jerked his chin toward the sofa next to which she’d deposited her things earlier. "Get your hair done, too?"

"Just a trim and bit of color," she smoothed a hand over her head. "I wanted it to look like …"

"Before," they finished together.

Buffy smiled weakly at him then moved to sit down in the chair she’d claimed upon first entering this room an hour ago.

"This is weird," she sighed. "I was expecting awkward at most, but weird has me all spacey."

"Yeah, the whole ghost thing takes adjusting. For me as well," he approached her slowly.

"I’m this close," she held up a hand with the thumb and forefinger about an inch apart, "to acting just like Dawn and running through you."

"That good or bad?"

"I don’t really know," their gazes locked. "I want so badly to touch you. I’ve been thinking of nothing else since I overheard Giles saying you were here and now that I’m here with you I’m told I can’t touch you and," she looked away and whispered, "I hate it."

Suddenly he was kneeling before her and cupping her face in his hands - hands that her skin felt the presence of yet didn’t feel the texture of skin against hers.

"Did you mean it?" he whispered unexpectedly.

Her breath caught in her throat and her eyes grew moist with tears as she turned them to look into his again.

"With all my heart," she said firmly as there was no doubt in her mind as to what his question meant.

"You’ve no idea how hard it was to let you go," he ran his fingers over her hair and face. "I couldn’t let myself believe it then, but it’s all I think about now."

"It was just as hard for me to go," she confessed without a care for the tears beginning to fall. "I almost hated you for not believing me. I still may never forgive you for not leaving with me."

"We both knew at that moment that it was a job that had to be done to the very end, pet. Wasn’t about to take you down with me."

"Do you still … ?" she sniffled and looked at him closely.

"Always," he wiped away the tears then wrapped his arms around her. "I bloody persistent bugger and nothing so minor as death could stop me loving you. Loved you as a demon, a "

Closing her eyes she relished the feel of his embrace and her memories supplied the scents of leather and tobacco that was lacking from him at the moment. All to easily in that instant she forgot everything wasn’t normal and her hands lifted to hug him back.

Only to slip through his image as they did at the nightmarish end of so many of her dreams.

Putting a hand over her mouth to stifle the sob that was rising in her she jumped to her feet, passing right through his kneeling form, and began pacing the room in an attempt to regain control of herself.

"How could this happen?" she tipped back her head and asked toward the ceiling. "What are they doing to us?" she looked back at Spike. "Do they want me to go completely insane? I thought nothing could hurt more than loving you and not telling you I loved you until the very moment you were the least likely to believe me, but, as usual, the fates have to prove me wrong. How can you be here like this and not here like this?" she moved back toward him to touch his cheek and curse again how her hand touched nothing.

"Your guess is as good as mine why the powers get their jollies off shit like this," he reached up with both hands to take hold of hers. "It’s not so bad, though, being all ghosty. Trust me it could be worse. And at least I can touch now. Took me weeks to learn how to do with. Before that all I did was pass through every bloody thing around me."

"But I need to be able to touch you," she sat down again. "Every night I dream of us. I dream of you being with me and me telling you how much I love you and we make love and then you just vanish. It’s the Hellmouth all over again with you standing there telling me to get out while the hand I hold catches fire and you start falling about and I try to hold on and my fingers just pass through you and you’re gone," she was sobbing now. "I heard you were here and came running thinking that my dreams were coming true and we could be together and instead I find that you’re here, but we can’t be together. My hands just pass right through you and I can’t hold on and I need to hold on to you. I need it so much and I don’t think I can handle this right now."

"Buffy," he grabbed her shoulders and shook her firmly. "Don’t you do this. You may not be able to touch me, but I’m here and you’re here and I’m not vanishing. You love me and I bloody well love you with all I’ve got and I swear to you that we will be together."

"How?" her anguished eyes met his.

"Fred’s been working on making me a real boy again. She even pulled it off last week, but another bloke kinda reaped the benefits," he ignored her questioning look. "We’ll get her to work on it again then we’ll be together and nothing of Heaven or Hell or those bloody Powers That Be will break us up again."

~*~*~

"Look we tried it once, it failed, we’re done," Angel said firmly when he re-entered his office and was met with the gathering awaiting him there.

"No," Winifred approached his desk and reminded him, "it succeeded at doing exactly what it was supposed to – recorporealizing a non-corporeal entity. Spike sacrificed his chance at having that happen to save my life. We can’t stop trying after that. If anything we need to try harder to thank him."

"There really is no reason not to try again after succeeding once," Wesley chimed in calmly. "Leaving him in limbo like this is something I wouldn’t wish on anything, even Spike, so we’ve only two options. Restore him fully or destroy the amulet."

"No!" Fred glared at the former watcher. "You’re getting no where near that amulet if that idea is still in your head. You’ve already decided that you can’t do that, right?" she turned to ask Angel.

"What happens if it’s destroyed?" Dawn asked as she watched those standing argue.

"One way ticket to Hell for me, pet," Spike said without turning from his contemplation of the skyline outside Angel’s office.

"What?!" Buffy jumped up from her chair and moved to stand behind her lover.

"Relax," Angel sighed and poured himself a glass of blood. "I’ve got enough guilt attached to my soul without adding being the one to kill him to the list. Tempting though the idea is when in proximity to him," the vampire muttered.

"I bloody heard that," Spike whipped around to glare at his grandsire. "And that guilt sure as hell didn’t stop you from trying, did it?"

"You tried to destroy the amulet?" Buffy joined in on the glaring as did Dawn who moved to stand with her sister as human shields against anything trying to harm Spike. "Knowing what it would do?!"

"I was trying to do him a favor," the object of their angry stares defended. "He hated being ‘nothing’ as he was at the time and destroying the amulet would have released him from the realm and given him some piece. But," he glared back at his grandchilde, "I never had any intention of following through and you know it. The only reason I even went so far as almost doing it was your stupid plan."

"That stupid plan worked bloody well, you’re welcome very much, and don’t even try to look me in the eye and say weren’t tempted to really whack the thing to bits when you had the chance."

"I could have brought Hainsley down without you," Angel countered.

"Oh, yeah, you were doing a bloody brilliant job against him. Admit it," Spike got in the other man’s face, "my plan saved your bits from being mounted on that necromancer’s wall."

"We got lucky and your plan succeeded. My bits were never in any danger,"

"Enough!" Willow jumped up from the couch the pair was arguing in front of. "This," she wagged her finger at their confrontational stances, "is so not helping with anything here."

"Might not be helping, but its pretty darn entertaining. Riveting even," Kennedy said from the couch her lover had just left.

All eyes in the room turned on her and she fell silent with a slight shrug and muttered, "Like I was the only one enjoying it."

"Willow is right," Wesley said causing the redhead to smile and stand up straighter. "This bickering between you too gets us no where. If the amulet is not an option then we need to get down to serious research on just what we can do to recorporealize Spike again."

"Before we get to that, I want that amulet," Buffy stated.

"Buffy, I told you, I’m not going to destroy it," Angel sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"I’ll just be making sure no ‘accidents’ happen," she informed him coolly.

"You’ve nothing to fear in that area," Wes informed her. "The amulet is protected from harm unless taken onto hallowed ground. Only then can it be destroyed."

"Reassuring, but I repeat - I want that amulet."

On the other side of the room Fred rifled through the things she had brought into the office until she found the item.

"Here," she passed it to Buffy. "All safe and sound with you. Now … can we begin brainstorming or are there more issues you all want to air out in this very not private setting?"

Willow smiled at the scientist as she stood there with her hands on her lean little hips and Kennedy glared at the obvious interest in her girlfriend’s eyes.

"Storm away," Angel muttered as he sat down behind his desk. "Feel free to continue using my office like I’m the one not really here," he sulked over his glass of blood. "Not like there’s a whole world of more important things we could all be doing. By all means, let’s put all our energy into saving Captain Peroxide."

"Were you always this whiny?" Buffy rolled her eyes at him before sitting back down in the chair she favored.

"’Course he was. It’s his thing on the occasions he stops with the brooding, soulful block of wood routine he’s been perfecting ever since he got his bleeding soul," Spike smirked as he leant against the arm of Buffy’s chair.

"I am not whining," Angel informed them all.

"From one whiner to another, I’ve gotta say that thing you’re doing just now is major whining," Dawn said with a bratty smile that got her a thumbs up from Spike.

"I am not whining," the vampire repeated firmly. "I am talking to myself so kindly stop interrupting me and go on with your ‘brainstorm’ to save bleach boy."

"Food," Fred suddenly blurted out. "We need food to fuel our brains."

"Ooh, good idea," Willow seconded. "What kinda takeout you get on this side of town?"

As the group gathered around and argued over menus from local eating establishments, Angel continued to brood and ‘not whine.’

"Sure take me literally with the whole pretend I’m the one not here. My office, my staff, my business doing all the Spike saving, but do any of them say thank you for not going ahead and just smashing the stupid necklace? Noooo. They call me whiny. I don’t whine. I brood and sometimes maybe mope, but I never whine," he seemed to be telling the wall to his left.

"Would you shut your gob already," Spike ordered. "You’re making yourself look like the wanker you are in front of your fans."

"Angel, your five o’clock is waiting conference room number two," Eve interrupted just as he was about to lunge at the smirking ghost.

"That one really knows how to crack the whip. Outta give her a second go, mate," the bleached blonde continued to push his luck.

Buffy noticed a series of awkward glances from Angel, Eve, Fred and Wesley while Spike was definitely gloating at the reaction his last statement had.

"I so don’t even want to know," she sighed and went back to deciding what she wanted to eat.

"Funny story actually," the figure next to her said. "You’ve met Lorne, right? Green guy with horns? That demon knows how to throw a party, luv, and Halloween was a real kicker. See he-"

"Spike," she smiled at his formerly annoying and now beloved smirk, "I really don’t want to know."

Chapter Six


"I’m not going to be a bloody robot," Spike scoffed at one idea being suggested.

"You wouldn’t be a robot. You’d be you in a synthetic body," Winifred explained.

"It’s actually a pretty good fallback plan," Willow added. "If we can’t find a way to really recorporealize you then an artificial form would be ideal as all you’re missing is a surface others can touch."

"So what did I use a politically incorrect term by saying ‘robot’ instead of android? However you try to dress it up, it’s fake and I’ll stay a ghost thank you very much."

"I think it’s kinda cool. You’d be like robo-Spike," Dawn said.

"Next," he rolled his eyes at the grinning teenager and dismissed the idea cold.

There was really no real opposition to scrapping that train of thought.

~*~*~

"Tell me again why we can’t just do the thing that worked before again," Buffy sighed as theories and possibilities were thrown around by Fred, Wesley and Willow at a rate that had her head spinning.

"No power source for a repeat," Gunn, who had entered the session five hours ago when Angel returned from his last meeting of the day, replied. "We were lucky to get it once and we’re outta favors on that end."

"Also dealing with nearly non-existent resources to get the thing done," Fred sighed. "They’re most likely extinct after our using them once."

"It’s unbelievable that you were able to pull it off once," Willow looked up from the notes she was studying to smile at the scientist. "These formulas boggle even my mind."

"If you kinda forget and bypass all the standard laws of physics they’re pretty simple. The extrapolation of interdimensional plasma dynamics was a bit tricky but luckily the numbers held to support my theories," the brunette smiled back and fixed her glasses on her face.

"There’s really no way we can do this ritual again?" the redhead shared Buffy’s opinion that it appeared to be the best way to go.

"It’s vaguely possible that the materials needed can be collected again and there is tell of a volcano in South Africa that could provide for us the kind of power source need to try it again, but we exhausted most of our resources the first time around so getting everything together for a second go would likely take months," Wesley sighed and rubbed at his gritty eyes.

"No. No months, this needs done now," Buffy said quietly but firmly as she gazed longingly at Spike where he stood at the windows once more.

Sensing her gaze he turned and gave her a smile that she returned so weakly he crossed the room to stroke her face reassuringly.

"Hey," Angel made his continued presence in the office known by shouting, "None of that with me here. Or ever for that matter."

~*~*~

"Enough with all this potentially dimension altering science stuff," Kennedy said as she placed herself rather possessively next to Willow on the floor. "What are our options on the magic front?"

"I’m drawing blanks. There’s no body to bring back to life like we did with Buffy even if it were possible to try that ritual again," the redhead sighed. "Same with most every other form of magik I can think of. Any ritual that comes to mind requires actual remains to restore the spirit to and give it physical form again."

"Darla," Wesley said suddenly with a glance at Angel who sat brooding at his desk. "Of course! Wolfram & Hart restored Darla from dust. We may be able to find out what they did and try it with Spike."

"Darla came back human until Drusilla turned her again," the vampire looked from Spike to Buffy. "Trust me, we don’t want ‘William’ running around here and there’s no way I’ll turn him back into Spike for you."

"If I remember correctly Darla was exactly the same as you had always known her to be aside from the fact that she was human rather than a vampire," Wesley reminded.

"A dying human," Angel countered.

"Chances are she was only that way because of her lifestyle as a human before being turned. From what you told us the Master found her dying and offered her immortality. Spike," the former watcher glanced at the rather interested ‘ghost,’ "you were in good health at the time of your turning were you not?"

"Fit as a fiddle."

"The scroll of Aberjian should still be somewhere among our files and possessions. It would just be a matter of accessing corporate records to find details of the actual ceremony that was used to bring her back. I’ve no doubt they have it all well documented and we should be able to perform the ritual again for Spike."

"Why is this only just coming up?" Buffy rose and looked from her ex to the Englishman. "You can bring him back - make him human - and you’re only just bothering to tell us after all the weeks Fred’s been working her ass off trying to find some way to restore him and we’ve been closed in here for eight hours now when there’s been an answer all along? Something even better than just making him touchable again?!"

"Whoa, there pet, don’t get ahead of yourself," Spike placed a hand on her shoulder.

"For one thing, Buffy, Fred kept her work on this matter very closely guarded so I was unable to inform her of what had happened with Darla’s resurrection. For another it simply wasn’t something that came to me until just now," Wes defended himself.

"Find what you need and find it now," the slayer ordered firmly.

"We really shouldn’t put all our eggs in that basket," Spike said with a bit of apprehension in his tone.

"It’s a good basket," she turned and smiled at him. "It’s something that worked before and they can find a way to do again," her smile got wider. "And you’d be human. We’d be humans together."

"Yippee," Angel said sarcastically in the background.

"I do believe that sounds like our plan," Willow rose from the floor with a smile. "Why don’t we get to work on it tomorrow?"

"We’re already here, why not start now?" Buffy countered. "Just tell us where to look for the scroll thingy and we can work on that while you see what you can find about the ritual," she said to Wesley.

"It’s late and we have work in the morning and now that we know what our objectives are we can wait until tomorrow to begin achieving them," he replied while rising and gathering his things to leave.

Kennedy readily jumped up to get her and her girlfriend out of there while Winifred slowly began gathering up all her papers.

"I’ll could stay and look," the scientist said helpfully.

"No more nights in the lab for you," Wesley pulled the woman up and began ushering her from the office. "We’re all going to get a good night’s sleep and start on this tomorrow. No exceptions."

"I kind of forgot to ask you sooner, but," the slayer sighed then turned to look at Angel as they all left, "you got a place for Dawn and I to crash?"

He gave her a rather disbelieving look to which she responded by crossing her arms over her chest and tilting her head to the side with an ‘oh, come on’ expression on her face.

"Fine, get your things and follow me," the vampire got to his feet.

The Summers sisters hurriedly gathered up their shopping bags and carryon suitcases then followed him out of the office to the elevator.

"I really don’t recall inviting you to tag along," he glared at Spike as the bleached blonde followed the trio into the lift.

"You’re how old again?" Buffy asked as she stayed close to her love’s side.

"All things considered, I’d say I’m handling this pretty maturely," he countered. "So I complain about it, but I let bleach boy stay and am giving you, the love of my unlife, access to all of this firm’s resources to try getting your boy toy back. You think any of this is fun for me?"

~*~*~

Dressed for bed in the cotton camisole and boxer shorts she’d worn as pajamas these past two months, Buffy stepped from the bathroom into the private room Angel had reluctantly given her.

Spike stood staring out the window at the clear night sky and after a moment’s hesitation she moved to stand beside him.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Brooding a bit like the poof," he turned to give her a smile. "Contemplating my sins, how I came to be here and all that rot."

"I guess I should have asked you sooner how you feel about this," she wrapped her arms around her waist and stared out the window.

"Not too shabby," he deliberately misunderstood her words and gave the room they were in a look over. "Bed looks nice and comfy and the not sharing with the nibblit is a plus."

"No, I meant - "

"I know what you meant, Buffy," he reached out to stroke her hair. "Don’t rightly know how I feel about it. Wasn’t much to write home about as a human," he sighed and slouched a bit in his leather duster. "Bit of Nancy boy, I hate to say. I’ve gotten rather used to having the vampire strength to strike fear in the hearts of all who crossed my path."

"You don’t want it do you?" she sniffled back a tear. "We could be together and normal and get married and have babies," she looked at him with her eyes suspiciously moist, "but you don’t want it."

"I’d love to be able to create life with you, pet," he cupped her face in his hands, "don’t ever doubt that. It’s just," he dropped his hands and paced away from her. "I don’t ever want to be that bloody weak again. I may have been a demon, but as a vampire I was always something. As a human I was nothing. A nobody," his voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. "I need to be somebody."

"And you are. You’ll always be somebody. No matter what," she approached his back and clenched her fists at her inability to reach out and comfort him, "you’ll never be a nobody again. You," she moved to stand in front of him and look into his eyes, "are Spike now. The vampire who loved me despite my utter bitchiness and by doing that showed me what love really is. You’re a champion and hero who saved the world at the cost of your own life. You’re the man I love in every sense of the word and now that I’ve admitted that to myself nothing will change it. If you don’t want to go this route we’ll have Fred explain more of her ideas to us tomorrow and find a way to recorporealize you. It will be your choice and whatever decision you make I’ll stand by you as you always stood by me and I’ll still love you."

~*~*~

Angel let himself into the darkened storage room and moved toward the stack of boxes at the back.

Knowing almost exactly where to look he put aside the top box then rifled through the one underneath it searching for the scroll he’d hadn’t even thought of for over two years. Having no luck with that box he put it aside and delved into the next one down.

The torn and ragged edge of parchment caught his eye instantly and when he directed the beam of his flashlight at the paper he saw that it was what he was looking for.

He put the flashlight down and used the hand that had been holding it to fish the lighter out of his pocket as his other hand pulled the scroll of Aberjian from the box. After opening the lighter he stared into the flickering flame for a moment before turning his attention to the irreplaceable item in his other hand.

With a heavy sigh he closed his eyes and began moving his hands toward one another for the things he held to meet.

Interlude:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emotionally drained from her day Buffy moved to the bed to turn down the covers and prepare to climb in.

"Are you … " she paused in her actions and turned to face him with a questioning look.

"Whatever you want," he correctly interpreted her look.

Looking him in the eye she pushed off her shorts then pulled off her camisole before sliding into the bed and holding the covers up inviting him to join her there.

He hesitated a bit at her having stripped down before laying down then he seemed to take a bracing breath before closing his eyes and wishing his own clothing away.

"How’d you do that?" she asked with her eyes wide at the quick removal of all he wore before he slid into bed next to her.

"It’s a ghost thing," he smirked as he moved to lay next to her. "Little trick I learned to get around reality."

"Any chance you can use it to get around this reality?" she smiled sadly and allowed the fingers of one hand to trail through the image of his chest.

"I have a few ideas if you’re really interested," he gave her a crooked grin and playful leer.

"Really?" her eyes went wide.

"You’ve got to remember not to try and touch me, though," he grew serious. "It won’t work if you get all upset over that."

"Where are those handcuffs of yours when we need them?" she joked.

"I’m sure we could rustle up some shackles if you don’t think you can control yourself," his smirk returned.

"Still sure you’re that good?"

"Well, luv, it’s a talent one doesn’t lose just being dead."

"Prove it," she whispered with a flare of desire in her gaze.

"Put your hands behind your head and keep them there," he ordered while urging her onto her back and leaning over her body.

Looking into his familiar features with total trust she obeyed and folded her arms beneath her head to hopefully keep her urges to reach for him subdued.

"If this gets too much for you, tell me and I’ll stop," he whispered into her ear with a tender stroke of his hand over her cheek.

At her nod he pressed his mouth against her ear then moved it along her jaw as his hands slid softly over her neck and shoulders.

The touches were like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

She felt them, feather light and sending tingles of sensation through the nerve endings beneath the surface of the skin her touched, but on a deeper level she didn’t feel them. She knew his lips were making their ways toward hers for a kiss, but they didn’t feel like his lips – the softness and texture was lacking leaving her with only the realization that something was brushing across her face.

A sound that was part moan at being touched by him, part whimper of need for more substantial touches emanated from her throat and she looked into his eyes to try expressing her needs without words.

"Let’s try it this way," he kissed her eyelids shut. "Tell me what you dream about us before you wake up. Keep them closed, luv," he ordered when she made to open her eyes as she spoke.

"It varies," she whispered.

"Tell me the last dream."

"I’m laying on my side and you come into the bed behind me," she remembers clearly. "You stroke my shoulder then kiss my neck and I sigh your name."

As she speaks he does what she described, his hands gliding lovingly over her shoulderblades and his mouth nipping at the skin of her neck until she sighs his name.

"What did you feel?" he asked against the pulse pounding in her throat.

"You," she sighed. "I felt your skin and your hands and lips and your body behind mine and your erection against me."

"Remember that," he said as his hands and lips again began exploring her body at will. "Did I touch you here?"

"Yes," she moaned at his phantom fingers plucking at her hardened nipples as her memory supplied the feelings her body craved.

Behind her closed eyelids she replayed moments when he had touched her like this in the basement of her house in Sunnydale or his crypt. She remembered him touching her breasts gently, like he was now, and firmly with the intention of pushing her hard toward orgasm as he had many times in the past.

"That’s it," he said with satisfaction as he saw her forgetting the present and sinking into more pleasant memories of the past.

She felt a different kind of pull on her right breast and realized he’d drawn the mound into his mouth and was sucking on the flesh. In her mind she clearly remembered the warm wet heat of his mouth and the strength of his suckling and her core clenched in response. Suddenly there was a firmer, sharper pressure against her skin and she knew he was biting at her nipples. Her memories turned to images of his pearly white teeth nipping at and sinking into the soft flesh of her breasts as they had in the past.

"Spike," her fingers gripped the forearm they were folded against under her head as her body wanted more.

"Tell me what you’re thinking," he moved to her other breast.

"I remember this," she said after a moment. "Remember watching and feeling you do this."

"Do what?"

"Touch and kiss my breasts," a shiver ran through her body. "Your teeth biting them and your fingers squeezing and your mouth sucking."

"Remember this?"

"Yes," her body lurched upward as his hands moved down her sides to her thighs while his mouth traced a slow path down her sternum and stomach.

"Tell me what you remember," his tongue delved into her bellybutton.

"Your tongue … licking, making me wet," she gasped. "Fingers," it was getting hard to concentrate on forming the words, "gripping my thighs, parting them. Nails scraping skin to make me cry out for more. Your eyes watching me. That smirk," she smiled at the memory.

His hands shifted to the inside of her thighs and urged them apart for his body to settle between.

"What do you feel right now?"

"You," she whimpered and her fingernails bit into the skin of her arms as she waited for what she knew would be coming.

"Tell me."

"Hands running up and down the insides of my legs," she parted them further. "Fingers coming so close but not touching me - "

"I’m touching you, pet," he interrupted.

"Not where I need," she argued with a buck of her hips.

"Where you need them, luv?"

"Inside me," she whimpered.

"Here?"

She knew somehow that it was his tongue sliding along her slit to part her wet lips before lightly tracing her opening. In her mind she saw Spike doing that, remembered watching his bleached blonde head move between her legs as his lips suckled, his teeth nipped and his tongue lapped up her juices – for hours on end he’d done it one time that still blew her mind to think of.

"Need an answer, luv," he teased with a smirk evident in his tone before his mouth moved to lavish attention on her clit.

"Yes," she cried out, having pretty much forgotten the question but knowing whatever it was she was all for it.

After what felt like an eternity she felt him inside her again and that fact had tears welling up behind her closed eyelids. It didn’t matter that it was just his fingers and phantom ones at that, her heart knew that her Spike was lying between her widespread legs sucking on her clit with occasional nips of his teeth to make her body arch and shake in reaction as first one, then two and finally three of his fingers were plunging into her core.

"Spike," it was practically a sob as his fingers curled inside her so that they found the spot only he had ever managed to locate and raked over it until she was shaking uncontrollably and clenching around his not really there digits.

Her thighs were growing slick as her juices flowed forward with nowhere else to go and her bangs were sticking to her forehead as a sheen of sweat dotted the skin there, but still her arching body needed more.

Without even realizing it she was saying that word over and over again, "More," and Spike tried to satisfy her. Three fingers became four pushing harder and faster and deeper into her writhing body and his gentle suckling at her clit grew hard and almost angry with teeth being used constantly. His other hand was moving roughly over her breasts, squeezing and pinching and pulling at her nipples until finally memories of how all those actions really felt overwhelmed her and with a sharp cry that was his name she found the release her body had denied itself during two whole months of empty longing dreams.

"Shhh, it’s alright. Relax," he slowly moved up her body and took her into his arms. "I’ve got you, luv. Breathe in for me, Buffy."

Instinctively she obeyed his words and as she did she realized that her lungs had ceased working at some point during her orgasm and while she gulped in air she now desperately needed her tensed muscles started relaxing so that her body wasn’t arched and clenched as tautly as a bowstring.

He continued to sooth her body with words and gentle touches until tears she didn't know she cired ceased falling, her breathing returned to normal and she laid limply on the bed next to him.

"You’re even better," she joked breathlessly as she lowered her arms and saw the scratches on them from her own fingers with a bit of surprise.

"What were you thinking of at the end?" he rested on his side next to her and brushed the damp tendrils of hair back from her face.

Buffy searched for a way to describe it, looked at him and replied, "Everything and nothing. Is that possible?"

"Course it is," he smiled and kissed her brow. "Think you can sleep now?"

"If you’ll hold me again," she raised a hand to stroke his cheek then dropped it with a sad sigh.

"It won’t be this way for long," he assured her. "We’re gonna have the geeks around here find that bloody ritual and make me a real boy again."

"Really?" her eyes went wide with hope that he meant what she thought he meant. "You wanna go ahead with that even though you’ll be human?"

"Something tells me I’m gonna enjoy being human with you," he smiled. "You’ll just have to remember I won’t have that infamous vampire stamina going for me."

"I think we’ll manage ok without it," she smiled as joy blossomed in her heart. "Even with my slayer stamina thirteen times in one night was a bit much."

"Our record was fifteen times in one night and you bloody well know it," he looked affronted at being shortchanged those two times.

"Oh, yes, fifteen, you stud you," she teased and got herself a smack on the bottom that had her giggling. "I’ve missed this more than I can ever say," she grew serious in the midst of their playfulness.

"Me, too, luv," he rolled her onto her side, wrapped his arms around her waist and spooned up against her back. "Was so afraid I’d never have it again."

"I was so sure I’d lost you," she closed her eyes and laid imaging that he really held her like this and she could feel his skin pressed against hers. "Sometimes I didn’t know if I’d be able to go on thinking we’d never have this again."

"Don’t talk like that, luv, you’re a survivor. You’d live a long happy life with or without me," he kissed her shoulder.

"I know that. I would have gone on for Dawn and the slayer destiny and because it’s what you told me to do so often - live," a tear rolled down her cheek. "It’s just so much better to do all that with you with me."

He didn’t say anything to that, just seemed to hold her a little tighter and press a few more kisses against her shoulder until she let go of the emotions swirling through her and just went to sleep.

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