Chapter 44 - Love is All We Have

The house was filled with family sounds that gave the facade of normalcy. Del and Buffy were in the kitchen starting dinner preparations. Elijah and Aidan ran through the house with Candy nipping at their heels while Sean and Raven both had their love interests there. All four were in the living room playing monopoly and their laughter was an echoing background for everything else.

All in all Spike felt good today. If only Buffy and he could breach the wall of emotional distance from each other everything would be perfect. Since the day she had been chained they only spoke to each other when it was absolutely needed. And it seemed that neither of them wanted to be the one to take the first step toward reconciliation.

Spike forced himself to pay attention to Angel filling him in on Max’s progress with finding the stalker. Angel had reluctantly told him about the conversation in the bathroom and the subsequent threat against his friend. Since then Max would phone Angel everyday who in turn would call him. And Spike wanted to choke them both for their childish behavior.

“Yeah, so they have this woman’s picture all over Atlanta and the surrounding area,” Angel said. “But they can’t get a name or a plate number.”

“Something will break soon,” Spike said trying to placate his Sire.

“Not with that imbecile friend of yours running the investigation,” Angel grumbled. “Don’t know how you can stand him.”

Spike laughed. Angel’s jealousy of Max in their lives was becoming more pronounced with every conversation. He wondered how long it would take before other people noticed. It would probably be never because they wouldn’t understand why Angel would care about anyone in Spike’s or Buffy’s life. They would assume it was simply that he didn’t like the man and not the truth. Angel felt that Max was encroaching on what he considered his territory.

“Why don’t you just turn him?” Spike asked, laughing when Angel snorted. “You could make him a minion and torture him by turning him into your personal servant.”

“Not worth the time,” Angel said. “Besides he probably tastes sour and please don’t tell me that you know if he does or not.”

“Nope, I sure don’t.”

“Well, at least I understand why you didn’t get jealous of Buffy playing with him,” Angel said, his voice trying to subtly pry into Spike’s emotions. “He’s not much of a man.”

“Yes, he is,” Spike said, standing to look out the window. “He has strength that he has forgotten he has. It will come through when we need it.”

Angel sighed, loudly, in his ear. It was enough for now. Eventually the two males would accept each other. They would have to because Spike figured by the time all this ended he would need them both to get through what was coming.

“We’ll see,” Angel said. “Is Buffy talking to you yet?”

“Not really,” Spike said, his head bowing under the threat of emotions he was trying to ignore. “She only says what has to be said and not much else.”

“She’ll come around. Somewhere she knows you only did what you had to.”

Spike wanted to ask how Angel or Buffy could know. In hindsight he wasn’t sure if it was what he had to do or if he could have found another way to deal with the situation. His hand rubbed the back of his neck trying to alleviate the tension that was cramping his muscles. He had been over it so many times in the past week that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“Has Cordelia forgiven you yet?” Spike asked, hoping that Angel would follow his lead and let the subject of Buffy drop.

“Good God no,” Angel moaned. “I have been cast into a purgatory of endless lectures. I need to stay away from my exes, no good will come from helping you two, and the constant questions on vampire relationships because I consider you family.”

“Did you tell her all the gory details? Or just go with the ‘we’ve all known each other so long that we seem like family’ story.”

“Tried the second one but she went to Wesley and he gave in and now she knows more about us than I ever wanted her to know.”

“What did she expect?” Spike scoffed. “That if she believed hard enough that you would just be human.”

“No, just that it was over with,” Angel said. “And in a way so did I.”

Spike paced down the hallway to look in on the young people in his living room. There was such a combined air of innocence and world weariness about them. Raven glanced up at him and he smiled at her. The events of the weekend before had taken a toll on them all. Denial was becoming a strong part of his personality as he turned to head back to his study.

“How’s the new approach coming on the research?” Spike asked. “Good I hope because it’s not moving much here.”

“Wesley and Fred are buried under a pile of books right now,” Angel confirmed. “Wes dug up some new ones on prophecies.”

“Yeah, it’s like old times around here. The little Scoobies burning the midnight oil gathered around the table at the Magic Box.”

“At least they’re trying,” Angel admonished. “It’s more than they were a few weeks ago.”

It was true. The only positive thing to be brought out of the weekend before was the renewed effort to find a prophecy that would explain Buffy’s condition. If only Buffy and Elijah would tell everything they knew it would help but they were more secretive than before.

“I know, Angel,” Spike agreed. “I do appreciate it. It’s just frustrating because it’s taken so long for them to come back around.”

“Don’t drive them away with your temper. Let them know that their help and hard work are welcomed and needed.”

Spike leaned his head against the back of his chair and let the nostalgia sweep through him. He let himself remember the days that he learned from his Grand-Sire even if he was fighting Angelus every step of the way. He wondered if Angel realized what he was doing and how much Spike appreciated it. Since he had grown up without a father, Angelus had taken that role in more ways than one. And now when he needed it the most Angel was taking over that void in his life.

“I’ve missed that,” Spike said, deciding to take the risk to let Angel know and he hoped that he wouldn’t be rejected.

“What’s that?”

“My Sire.”

The silence was almost deafening for a moment and Spike waited for the sarcasm to flow so easily from that being he still loved and hated with equal fervor.

“I’ve missed you too, William.”

The phone clicked off and Spike felt like a load had been lifted from his shoulders. His family was rallying around again to help. If there was an answer they would find it. They always had before.

With a lighter step Spike wandered into the kitchen where Del and Buffy were chopping vegetables to make chicken stir fry. He snitched a piece of carrot before heading to the refrigerator to grab a beer.

“No sampling,” Del said, playfully waving a knife at him.

“Tyrant,” Spike joked, tossing the lid into the garbage and after kissing Buffy on the top of her head he headed outside.

Sighing he sat on the top step and took a long drink of the cold beer. His fingers picked at the label and wondered how everything had gotten so complicated. It was times like this that he missed the days right after Buffy came back from Dallas when life seemed almost flat lined.

The back door opened and Buffy stepped out. His heart gave an expectant lurch at the loving smile she gave him. Maybe it was time for them to make up. She sat beside him and her fingers ran through his hair as he leaned into her palm.

“Don’t look so sad,” Buffy whispered. “You’re doing the only thing that you can.”

“Which is?’

“Letting go of me,” she said, tears welling up in her eyes.

It took Spike a couple of seconds to be sure he heard her right. Every good feeling he had when he got off the phone was gone. They had vanished under a streak of anger that burned into his heart. It took another few seconds for Spike to comprehend that other thoughts and emotions were screaming at him to be heard. And the loudest was asking why he hadn’t attempted reconciliation with her if he wasn’t letting go.

The truth rocked his soul because until she said the words he hadn’t realized that was what he was doing. Somewhere in their chaotic daily life and the rapid progression of her disease he had been distancing himself a little more every day. In having to make the hard choices and sometimes hurting her with those decisions he had to close off parts of his heart to keep from falling apart. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her anymore. But he needed to survive emotionally so he could continue to care for her and their family. After all these years the links in the chain that bound them together were being undone. And he wanted to fight it with all the love that he had won her with.

“No, I am bloody well not,” Spike exclaimed, jumping up to stare down at her. His words were meant to convince both of them that he intended to keep his promises. “I love you and I will be here for you no matter what happens.”

“You don’t have a choice,” Buffy declared. “The only way you are going to survive this.” Her hand cut a path through the air with the same disregard as the apparent insanity that was taking her away. “Is if you let me go and concentrate on our children and you.”

“So, I just give up on you and me. What about our love? What about us?”

Buffy reached a hand out to him and he helped her to stand. In her eyes was the defeat he had seen a week ago and along with it the acceptance that she would probably never be well again. She was giving up and he didn’t know how to fight that.

“Listen,” Buffy said. In the house he could hear the sound of their children and friends screaming with laughter as they played. “William, that’s the evidence of our love. It’s not over. It never will be as long as they go on. Without us, without our love, God only knows where they would be. I know that Sean would probably be a street kid selling his body to survive. Raven and Elijah would be somewhere where they couldn’t be themselves and they would have to hide the powers they have. Even Connor is healing because of this house and because of our love. Our love is alive and stronger than ever. It never will die as long as they and this baby I carry lives. Nurture them. Love them with the single minded devotion that you loved me with in the beginning. Promise me?”

“No, I am not going to promise anything. Why don’t you fight?” Spike yelled. “This whole fucking conversation pisses me off. I’m angry that you’re giving up, that you think you have to be Drusilla to keep me, angry that you won’t tell me everything, and it infuriates me that you are willing to hurt our children to keep your, oh so precious, secrets.”

Buffy didn’t fight back. Her expression was indulgent of his tantrum and she waited until he was finished with his tirade before speaking.

“And you are angry with yourself because you think you are failing me,” Buffy said. “But you’re not. I know that you will continue to care for my physical well being but emotionally you have to be responsible to yourself and our children first.” She took his face in her hands, stroking his cheeks with her fingers. “Don’t tear yourself up with guilt. It’s not going to do any of us any good.” She pressed a kiss to his lips. “I forgive you. Forgive yourself for doing what you have to do.”

“No, Buffy,” Spike cried. “I promised that I would always be here. Always love you.”

“And you will, Baby, you will.” Buffy tilted his head down until he was forced to look into her eyes. There was so much serenity in them and he could almost feel it flowing from her hands as she forced him to face what was in his heart. “It’s okay. If I don’t get through this I want you to live as much as you can. Love as much as you can.”

“I can’t do this,” Spike sobbed. “Please don’t leave me. I don’t know how to make it without you. I don’t who the hell I am without you.”

“You are the man I love,” Buffy whispered, laying her hand over his heart. “Carry me here and I will always be with you. And know that what we have will transcend time because we have changed the rules and our story will be told in the years to come. But only if you cultivate what we started and don’t let it die. Promise me?”

Spike pulled her against him and her arms wrapped around his waist. His hands stroked her hair and face as the grief threatened to overwhelm him. He was hanging on the edge of a cliff and couldn’t find solid ground and he knew the only choice he had was to let go and hope that the fall wouldn’t kill him.

“I promise,” Spike choked out.

Buffy smiled her approval at him and her arms squeezed him tighter. She would be beside him, she would sleep with him and make love to him but in so many ways she was already gone. By letting go he understood what was happening to them both. Their lives were getting ugly and desperate in an attempt just to survive. She had let go of him the day he had chained her to the bed. It was the only way she could tolerate the humiliation and pain of what he had to do. If they both kept pretending that it wasn’t happening they would eventually destroy their love by the sheer frustration of dealing with her illness. And Spike hoped that if their hearts were frozen while they still believed that their love could conquer all then maybe there was the chance that one day they could be thawed.

To be continued in Chapter 45 - Baby Love

Chapter 45 - Baby Love

February 9, 2008 1:25 PM

Tara watched in amusement as Buffy and Willow stared open mouthed at the inside of the huge baby store. It was part of the new shopping district that was being developed on the outskirts of Sunnydale and unlike anything the town had seen before.

“Holy crap,” Buffy muttered. “This is going to take months to get through.”

“I am right there with you,” Willow echoed, slipping her hand into Buffy’s. “Feeling a bit overwhelmed myself.”

It had been Tara’s idea to mobilize them into doing some baby shopping. Buffy needed to get registered before they could even think about planning a shower for her. So, Dawn and Raven had tagged along on the expedition. And from the size of this store it was going to be an expedition.

“We’ll get through as much as we can,” Tara said in her best mommy’s voice. It was stern but tender. “If we get tired we’ll go have an ice cream break and come back.” Her hands on Buffy’s shoulder she turned her to the baby registry desk. “Let’s get you signed in so we can get started.”

“Dawn and I are going to scope out the store,” Raven said, already walking away. “Find out where everything is and we’ll catch up with you.”

The three older women watched the girls walk away before heading for the counter. They shook their heads because it figured that the two retreating figures were along for the fun and the not the endless work it was going to take to get Buffy registered and through the day.

“Xander said the attic would be ready for move in by next weekend,” Willow said while they sat down at the registry desk.

“It should be but we need to buy a new bed,” Buffy replied, leaning on the counter. “Where we want to put the bed the ceiling slopes and the canopy on ours won’t fit.”

“Well, I guess that’s going to cramp your style,” Tara joked. “No more handcuffs on the scroll work.”

“Spike worked it out. He’s going to hang the chains from the wall,” Buffy said, smiling up at the representative who had just come to help them. At the moment the woman looked horrified at Buffy’s words. “It’s all right. He never leaves me there for long.” Her expression turned sweet as the woman’s eyes got bigger. “I need to register.”

The older woman merely nodded and handed Buffy the forms. It took only a couple of minute for her to fill everything out and be handed the ‘gun’ for her to record the codes for the products they wanted. Buffy was also handed a coupon for a discount for everything she bought that day.

“Okay,” Buffy said, looking around. “Where do we start?”

“I think the practical things,” Tara said. “Receiving blankets, t-shirts, bottles, sleepers, that kind of stuff. Let’s start over here in the nursery supplies and focus only on things that you will need right away to save time.”

“Lead on, expert one,” Buffy quipped, her hands planted on the handle of the shopping cart. “I have list of necessary supplies, UPC gun and credit card so let’s get everything ready for the baby.”

Tara smiled indulgently at her friend. Spike hadn’t been sure about them taking Buffy out but Tara had argued that maybe if Buffy was doing more normal things than maybe she’d feel and act more normal. He had been swayed when Willow had donned resolved face and told him that they really weren’t prepared for the baby’s arrival and there were only a couple of months left. He had agreed with stipulations, Raven went in case they needed to subdue Buffy, and they made sure Buffy wasn’t alone long enough to hire a hit man or something with the credit card. Tara and Willow had agreed and here they were.

They stood in front of the vast array of nursery items. Buffy’s fingers lingered over items that she liked as they made their way through the supply list. Tara helped her pick out items to put on Buffy’s wish list that she had found to be the best quality.

“Hey, guys,” Raven said, sliding to a stop next to her mother. “This place is great.”

“They have the coolest shi...stuff,” Dawn exclaimed. “I think I want a baby.”

Four pairs of eyes turned in dismay at her announcement. Dawn laughed and put her hands up.

“Not right now. I promise to graduate from college first.”

“You’d better,” Buffy said. “Or you will be mince meat pie.”

They turned the corner into the baby bottles and other sundry items to feed the infant.

“You’re going to breast feed, right Buffy?” Tara asked, searching for a particular breast pump that she had used.

“What’s wrong?” Willow asked.

Tara looked up to find Buffy silently crying and being embraced in a hug by the other three. Hurrying she joined them so Buffy was being encircled by her friends.

“My doctors…they said,” Buffy said, between hiccupping sobs. “They said that I shouldn’t count…on, I asked them and, they don’t think I’ll be able to take care of the baby.”

Tara pulled her closer and stroked Buffy’s hair as she looked at the other women. They all looked as horrified as she felt. In spite of the progression of her illness none of them had thought that she wouldn’t be able to take care of her baby at all. Tara felt a pang of guilt for pushing the shopping trip.

“I’m sorry, sweetie,” Tara whispered, in her friend’s ear. “If I had known that I wouldn’t have suggested doing this.”

The mother to be pulled back from them and furiously wiped the tears from her face. She patted her stomach and offered a tremulous smile that showed her bravery in facing the future.

“No, Tara, all of you, thanks for doing this. I want to do as much for my baby as possible. I want her or him to know that I did everything I could. That I fought as long as I could to be there for her.” Buffy stopped for a second and slipped back into their embrace. “Promise me that the four of you will take care of this baby. That you’ll teach her everything she needs to know. Tell her to be strong and true to herself.”

“That goes without saying,” Tara said. “You know we will.”

It felt like the oxygen was sucked out of the air around them as they contemplated Buffy’s request. Tara had said the first thing that came to her mind and even to her it sounded like she was placating Buffy and not taking it seriously. Willow took a deep breath and stepped in front of Buffy cradling her face in her hands.

“Listen to me,” Willow said. “If and that’s a pretty big if something should prevent you from mothering this child, we will step in and care for her or him as if she was our own. But you are going to be mothering this child because we are going to find the answers and we are going to fix it. Like we always have, well, except for the times we have screwed up royally, but not anymore. This baby needs you and you will be there for her. Do you understand?”

Buffy nodded but didn’t say a word. An eerie feeling passed through Tara as she watched Buffy’s reaction to the situation. She had gone from being worried about her baby to an almost blasé attitude. Everyone was floundering as they sensed the change in Buffy.

“Well, even if you can’t breast feed your baby yourself,” Tara explained, hoping to get things back on track. “Your milk can be pumped so your child can still have the benefits.”

“Yeah,” Dawn said. “Spike will probably think it’s a torture device and be more than happy to do it for you.”

Everyone laughed as they continued to shop. Raven took control of the ‘gun’ so Buffy could concentrate on choosing items. Occasionally there would be something that she particularly liked and it would get tossed into the cart that Dawn was now pushing. It became serious as they checked items off and moved through the store. Tara questioned her when Buffy insisted on buying a carrier that would hold the baby close to the body so you could have your hands free. The only explanation was that she thought that Spike would look cute carrying the infant in it. Tara let it go as they drifted into the furniture section.

“Have all this ordered,” Buffy said. “We found a site on line and they had this crib that looks like an antique spindle bed. William fell in love with it so it is on the way along with the entire matching set.”

“Oooh,” Dawn said. “Spike is taking care of his baby.”

“Both of them it seems,” Tara replied. “How about the crib set?”

“Not yet. I’m still thinking lambs or ducks.”

“Lambs or ducks? Why not Winnie the Pooh or snapdragons?” Raven asked.

“Because it’s what I like,” Buffy said sternly. “I’ve asked William a couple of times but he won’t give me a preference.”

“Why are you calling him William now?” Dawn asked, peering over her sister’s shoulders. “I know it’s his name but you never have before.”

Tara placed the two sets place side by side so Buffy could look closer at them.

“Different names for different times,” Buffy said, never taking her eyes off the crib sets. “Things are changing and he should be William again.” She sighed. “I don’t know. I like them both.”

“I think you’re waiting for Daddy’s opinion,” Raven said. “Let’s call him and ask.”

Before anyone could stop her she had pulled out her cell phone and dialed home. She left it on speaker phone so that Buffy could hear.

“Hello,” Del answered.

“Hi Del. It’s Raven. Is Daddy around?”

“He’s up in the attic with the rest of them,” Del answered. “Let me go and get him.”

“No, you don’t have to. I’ll call him on his cell phone.”

“Silly girl,” Del said, with a giggle. “They’re all up there working on the room. They’ve taken their shirts off in some macho display and all that sweat is glistening off those chests. Believe me it’s no bother to find your father for you.”

The women giggled as they waited for Del to retrieve Spike to the phone.

“Hey, what ‘cha need, Princess?” Spike asked.

“Mum wants to know which you prefer,” Raven said. “Lambs or ducks?”

“Lambs or ducks for what?”

“The nursery theme,” Raven said, with a trace of impatience. “She’s asked you before and you haven’t answered so which is it going to be?”

“Lambs or ducks,” Angel’s voice carried through the phone, “Sounds like she wants you to choose between those cute nicknames that you call the women in your life. Which is Buffy?”

“Lamb for her fluffy little…” Spike started but was stopped by groans and protests from everyone within earshot. ‘Look I really don’t care. It’s up to Buffy what she wants.”

Buffy sniffled again.

“Spike,” Tara said, slipping an arm around Buffy to try and comfort her. “Would you please just say which one?”

“Yeah, Mum is upset,” Raven added.

There was a loud crash, a couple of expletives and then Spike was on the phone.

“Buffy, I’m sorry,” Spike said. “We’re trying to get the bathtub installed. I didn’t mean I didn’t care at all. If it’s a choice lets go with the lambs. Okay?”

“Okay,” Buffy said.

“Anything else you need?” Spike asked, the pitch of his voice had lowered and had a soothing quality to the tone.

“No, that’s it,” Buffy answered. “I’m sorry to bother you. I just don’t want you to hate what I choose.”

“It wasn’t a bother. The only thing that was between me and broken fingers was Angel. Sorry I seemed like I didn’t care. I’m getting glares from everyone so I’m going to let you go. Call if you need anything else.”

“Thanks Spike,” Tara said.

Raven clicked the phone off while Dawn threw the crib set into the cart. Tara brushed Buffy’s hair away from her face as she stared blankly at the set for a minute. Buffy looked disappointed somehow at the selection they had made, she turned her head and stared at a set that was obviously for a girl. It was predominantly pink with brightly colored butterflies on it.

“Buffy, do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?” Tara asked.

“No, we haven’t officially found out but I have a feeling it’s a girl.” Buffy answered, turning away from the set she had been looking out.

Tara followed her as Buffy headed for the clothing department.

“Why don’t you wait then on the theme for the nursery? Find out at your next sonogram and then you could get the butterfly set if you prefer that one.”

“No, William said lambs so its lambs,” Buffy said. “Now what clothes do we need to get?”

Even with everyone scattering to admire the baby clothes they managed to get through the list pretty quickly. A few items were purchased just so they would have some on hand. Buffy chose a neutral outfit for the baby to wear home from the hospital. After they had double checked the list to make sure nothing essential was left out they walked toward the check out lines.

Tara had to admit that the day hadn’t been that bad. No real catastrophes and Buffy was a lot closer to having what she needed for her baby. All they had to do was plan the baby shower, get everyone shopping to supply the rest and hope that the mother to be was herself at the party. She sighed as the new found respect she felt for Spike at dealing with this on a daily basis.

~~~~~~~~~~

February 9, 2007 5: 12 PM

Everything on her body ached. Buffy fidgeted in her seat and longed for a hot bath. It had been a long afternoon and although she had enjoyed spending time with her friends she was ready to go home.

Tara pulled the van into the driveway and with dismay Buffy saw all the rest of the family gathered on the front porch and spilling onto the front lawn. They looked up as the van pulled in and she knew she couldn’t face them.

“Please pull around the back,” Buffy pleaded, when Tara stopped the van. “I just can’t…I’m sorry…not right now.”

“No problem, sweetie,” Tara answered, pressing the gas again and driving to the back of the house.

Buffy climbed out of the van and was relieved when Dawn and Raven offered to unload everything. Knowing that everyone was there was overwhelming her. The camaraderie was pulling her into an emotional abyss of hope and love that she wasn’t sure she could handle at the moment. She didn’t dare let herself hope too much at this point.

Forcing herself to hurry she made her way through the back door. Thankfully only Del was in the kitchen and the older woman smiled at her.

“You look exhausted, child,” Del said, crossing to where she was. “Are you hungry or thirsty?”

“I just want to get some juice,” Buffy whispered.

“Go on upstairs and lie down. I’ll get one of the children to bring it to you.”

Buffy hugged Del. She had never been as grateful as when this woman had walked into their lives. Del was like the grandmother she had always wished she had with a little bit of mother thrown into it. All she felt was love when Del wrapped her in a hug. It was the best feeling in the world and Buffy longed for the simpler times of childhood when the monsters under the bed could be chased away by the presence of a loving adult.

“Thank you, Del. I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome. Now go on before everybody decides to come looking for you.”

The hallway seemed a mile long as she pushed her exhausted body away from the temptation of the couch. It was at the bottom of the stairs that she had to really give herself a mental pep talk just to put her foot on the first step. Before she could even try the second step, he was there scooping her up in his arms. She closed her eyes and let her husband carry her upstairs. Nuzzling her face into his neck she let her hand drift across his bare chest. He smelled like sweat and wood and all man. Her man. She pressed a kiss to his neck before he sat her on the edge of the bed. When he knelt at her feet and began to remove her shoes she remembered. She had given up the rights for the loving touches from him.

Buffy closed her eyes as he disrobed her. It was humiliating to be so dependent on another person even her husband. Her socks were pulled off before he had her stand so he could remove her jeans. There was nothing condescending or impatient about him as he cared for her. There was only gentleness in the way he touched her and talked to her.

“Lie on your side, Buffy.”

His words left no room for argument so she did as he requested. A moment later when his fingers kneaded her back loosening the tied muscles she sighed in ecstasy. Spike knew exactly where to massage her and which muscles to loosen as he eased the ache. Her legs and feet were next after he moved her to lie on her back. Her entire body was melting and she could feel the pull of sleep.

“Thank you. I appreciate it.”

“No problem, Luv,” Spike said, pulling her body pillow next to her so she could arrange herself in the way that was most comfortable.

Buffy turned a little onto her side as Spike covered her with the comforter. His hand ran lovingly over her hair and she wanted to pull him down on the bed with her. She wanted to hold him and tell him of the nightmares that were with her constantly but she couldn’t. Her eyes fluttered closed as she prepared to give up for a little while.

“Mummy, I brought your juice,” Elijah said. “And Candy wants to take a nap with you.”

Opening her eyes, she saw her son standing next to the bed with a glass in his hand.

“Thank you, would you put it on the nightstand for me,” Buffy said, too tired to even drink it at the moment.

Spike lifted the dog to the bed and she pulled Candy close to her. The small, warm body was reassuring as it settled next to her.

“We’re going to fire up the grill pretty soon,” Spike said, sitting on the bed with Elijah on his lap. “Thought I’d feed everybody for all the help they gave today. Do you want me to wake you when it’s done?”

Buffy wanted to. She wanted to go down and be with her family. She wanted to laugh and party and drink a quart of Xander’s margaritas but it just wasn’t meant to be.

“No, all I want is sleep right now. Go on though have a good time,” Buffy said, grabbing his hand when she saw the guilt on his face. “No, it’s your right and I want you to for me. It’s easier for me knowing that you’re with people who love you.”

“You’re sad, Mummy,” Elijah said. “Don’t worry. The baby is almost here and then everybody will be happy again.”

“I know, sweetheart,” Buffy answered, running her hand through his curls. “Go on both of you and let this woman get much needed rest.”

They both kissed her cheek before they left. She wiped the tear that wound its way down her cheek. It was too late to cry. She listened to her family laugh and play as she petted the dog. It was what she wanted if things didn’t work out. She wanted Spike to be happy.

Her hand moved to her stomach and pressed the spot where her baby was kicking her.

“I know, baby, I know,” Buffy murmured. “I want to be with them too. Hopefully your Daddy will figure everything out soon and we’ll be safe again.”

Buffy closed her eyes and gave up trying to hold back the floodgates in her mind. It was taking too much strength and she didn’t have it anymore. The nightmares began to take over her mind and whimpering she wished Spike was holding her.

To be continued in Chapter 46 - Sanctuary

Chapter 46 - Sanctuary

February 14, 2008 8:25 PM

Blindfolded, Buffy carefully felt for the next step before lifting her foot. She was safe. She knew that because Spike’s arm was wrapped around her chest. He wouldn’t let her fall.

“Just a couple more, Luv,” Spike whispered in her ear sending chills shooting through her.

The evening so far had been romantic. Dinner, specially prepared by Del, and served by their children in the dining room had been a respite from their lives. It had been a delightful surprise after the decision she and Spike had made. Everyone was so giving to her and it was hard to believe that only a year ago it had only been the two of them having a midnight breakfast. Shaking the memories from her head Buffy took the next step.

“That was the last one,” Spike said, sliding around her to lead her further into the attic.

It had been finished the night before. Only a couple of more details and they could start moving in. His hands lifted the blindfold and Buffy blinked a couple of times before she could focus. It was beautiful. The wood along the walls and sloped ceiling had been polished until it shown. Tucked in the front corner was the nursery with white washed walls and a huge window that overlooked the side yard. The baby would benefit from the morning sun. The ceiling sloped on one side and there was soft carpeting beneath her feet.

“It’s gorgeous,” Buffy said, awed by the details that her husband and friends had given to the baby’s first room.

“Bryant said that he would paint a mural if you’d like. He said to call him and tell him what you want.”

It was exciting to have a new place to explore and claim. Buffy hurried to the bathroom that was next to the nursery. She gasped as she stepped into the rectangular shaped room. There were his and her sinks along one long counter. Shelves, instead of medicine cabinets, were only interrupted by two mirrors above each sink. Tucked into the corners were a stand alone shower and a large bathtub.

“William, where’s the toilet?” Buffy asked, glancing around and wondering how they could have forgotten that small detail.

Spike laughed and opened a door next to the shower to reveal the missing item.

“Privacy,” Spike said.

“That is so cool,” Buffy said. “I love it.”

“Let’s go, there’s more to see.”

Spike led her across to where he had set up a small sitting area with a loveseat and two chairs. The flat screened television hung on the wall with shelves on either side. Spike had made room in their private space for his books. Buffy ran her hands over the beloved adventures that her husband spent so much time lost in. If only they could pick one and disappear into another time or place. Someplace where they weren’t a vampire and slayer and could just be an ordinary man and woman in love. This macabre life they were living wouldn’t be happening and they could be normal. But it was her wish for normal was what had gotten them into this in the first place. Her desire for a home and a baby had changed everything.

“I love you,” Buffy said, needing to hear the words out loud and not just as an echo inside a mind she didn’t trust anymore. “Right now, here in this moment, with all my heart.”

Blue eyes filled with confusion as he studied her. She had changed the rules again. The words hadn’t been spoken in weeks. Assumption and actions were all they were living on now. Wishes could be cruelly twisted and never being satisfied left you unhappy. They had been happy but she hadn’t let herself enjoy it and now it was costing them everything. If only somehow she could tell him everything but the price was too high for honesty. Sighing, she held her arms out to her husband and he came to her.

“Insane slip,” Buffy quipped, squeezing his hands. “Finish showing me around.”

Spike kissed her and pulled her to the small kitchenette area. It wasn’t like she couldn’t see everything in the large open spaces. It was a game to them; letting him escort her from one ‘room’ to the other. Each room another present for her to marvel over as he pointed out features or designs that she had put on her wish list.

There was a small sink and microwave along the small L-shaped counter. The small refrigerator would enable them to have snacks, drinks and blood handy. Along the front of the house was a storage unit to hold the miscellaneous junk they had accumulated over the years. Finally it was time to inspect their bedroom.

“I ordered the bed awhile back as a surprise,” Spike said, sitting on the end of it. “Do you like it?”

“Yeah, you’re in it,” Buffy said, taking in the king sized bed. “It’s huge though. I could get lost in it.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll find you.”

The laughter was resonant of times long ago. Buffy opened the closet to hide the pain that it brought. It was a huge walk-in with shelves and drawers built in. She peeked out and grinned at her husband lying across the bed.

“This way you don’t have to buy a new dresser, huh?”

“Something like that.”

Buffy leaned against the door frame and took in the rest of the area. There were two windows on either side of the bed parallel to the brass headboard. The ceiling sloped all along the back wall and it gave a protective air to the space. Where the two sides met high above her, two fans with lights were hung. It was a beautiful and cozy place where they could be alone or share with the family. She could see games being played on the wood floors or personal talks held while curled up in the loveseat.

“It’s like a small apartment up here.”

Words were awkward and Buffy wasn’t sure where to go from here. If both of them were smart, they’d go back downstairs and maintain the distance between them. But the air was crackling between them as their bodies called to join with their mate. She knew that for him to be thinking clearly Spike had to lose his emotions for her. It was almost a losing battle because Spike had always been a romantic and a slave to his heart.

“Join me,” Spike said, patting the bed. His eyes were overflowing with love and desire as he waited for her to answer.

Giving in would only make matters worse. The pain only grew with each touch as she wondered if it would be their last. It was going to change soon and they needed to stand by the decision to let go. No magic words or steadfast love was going to fix what was wrong. If anything could at all. Maybe this would be the last time he would ever hold her and make love to her. Knowing it was selfish she went to him anyway. Greedy for his touch she took every morsel he gave her and returned it with every bit of love she held for him.

~~~~~~~~

February 14, 2008 10:15 PM

Spike eased his arm out from under Buffy and reached for his jeans. His cell phone was ringing insistently and he pulled it out of his pocket. A glance at the Caller ID let him know it was Dawn. The heel of his hand rubbed at his eyes as he tried to focus.

“Yeah, Bit, what’s going on?”

“Spike,” Dawn said, hysteria tinged her words. “Willy’s, it was bombed, oh my God, they’re in there. Josh, the others…Raven went in to help.”

“Bollocks, I’m on my way,” Spike said, pulling his pants on and reached for his shirt. He tucked his phone into his pants and pulled his shirt over his head. Buffy was sitting up and he quickly explained where he was going.

“I’m going with you,” Buffy said, scrambling off the bed.

“No, please, I need to know that you are least safe.”

She nodded and pulled her own clothes on and followed him. She waited while he quickly gave instructions to Sean. Spike left them with a promise that he’d bring the family home safely. The Desoto was pushed to its limit as he sped to the bar. Plumes of smoke reached into the sky from a couple of blocks away screaming the destruction of a Sunnydale institution. He turned the last corner and slammed on the brakes. Firemen were drenching the still smoking building but it looked like the fire had been put out. Running into the crowd he looked for Dawn but she found him first.

“Where are the others?”

“Josh, they can’t find him,” Dawn cried, her hands clutching him. “He went into the bathroom as soon as they went in. The ceiling collapsed. They’re trying to dig him out.”

“Stay here,” Spike instructed, running past authority figures, ignoring their warnings to stay out.

Coughing, Spike shifted to his demon face, needing the heightened senses in the smoke filled building. Getting his bearings he headed to the area where the bathrooms were in the back room. He could hear the sounds of material being shifted from the others digging to find Josh. Connor and Raven were trying to lift a heavy beam out of the way. Spike went to Raven’s side and helped her. A large chunk of the wall that was on top of it went flying as they tossed it to the side.

“Go outside, Raven,” Spike shouted. It was then that he noticed Clem, his arm hanging uselessly by his side. “Take him out of here and get him help.”

His daughter didn’t hesitate in wrapping her arm around their demon friend and helping him out. Spike and Connor returned to pushing the debris out of the way. Every breath was labored as he inhaled the thick smoke that still wafted from what once the inside of Willy’s. His hands were seared raw as he threw aside the obstacles that were between him and his brother-in-law. Firemen came flooding into the building and the way was hastily cleared with the extra hands. In only moments the door was opened to reveal Josh lying unconscious under the wreckage of a collapsed wall. As one of the men moved to uncover him, a paramedic knelt beside him feeling for a pulse. But Spike already knew he was alive, even under the circumstances he could smell the life that flowed through the younger man’s veins.

“He’s breathing,” one of the firemen said. “Tell them to get a board in here now.”

“No, no I’m fine,” Josh mumbled.

“You’d better be,” Spike said, kneeling beside him. “I’m not dealing with Dawn being a grieving widow.”

“Wouldn’t put anyone through that misery,” Josh said, feeling the back of his head. “Ouch, I think I busted my skull in.”

The board was brought in and Josh was quickly strapped down. With the paramedic and firemen leading the way out, Connor and Spike followed to the clear night air. Spike took several deep breaths to clear his lungs and started hacking instead. Connor was doing the same beside him and they were led to the rescue truck. They were given oxygen masks and instructed to breathe deeply for a few moments. Feeling more human than he ever had, Spike allowed the oxygen to revive him.

“It was the Soldiers, Daddy,” Raven said softly, sitting between him and Connor. Her face held a maturity that hadn’t been there a scant few hours ago. “They left a message spray painted on the sidewalk. It said something about demons and humans never being of one mind.”

“They were wrong,” Spike answered, dropping the mask from his face. “We both hate them. Look Raven,” he nodded toward the street. “You’ve started something that will change everything.”

They looked out over the demons and humans mingling on the street. All outraged at a group that had come to their community and tried to tell them how to live. Willy was in the center of them screaming at the injustice and garnering support from both sides as well as the police. Clem was being loaded into an ambulance by humans. Voices declared that these Soldiers weren’t welcome here. Things would never be the same again as both groups began to talk.

A small hand slipped into his and Spike smiled at his daughter. He was proud of her and the stand she had made. It was almost surreal as sat on the back of a fire truck with her and the son of his Sire. He laughed at how many changes he had seen in his life time and was glad that he had seen them all.

~~~~~~~~

February 15, 2008 1:20 AM

Something was wrong.

Spike stopped the car as Candy made a stand barking at the invader to her driveway. Raven rushed from the car to pick up the small animal while Connor and he followed slowly. Spike knew he should hurry but his feet seemed to be leaden as they struggled to move. He rounded the corner of the house to find the back door standing open. His eyes closed as exhaustion crept into every pore of his being. He didn’t know if he could deal with anything else tonight.

“Dad, thank god, you’re home,” Sean said, running from the structure. His eyes darted frantically around the back yard. “I went to the bathroom and she was gone. She’s not in the house.”

Despite the need to sleep, Spike felt the adrenaline rushing into his system. He took the dog and put her into Sean’s arms.

“Stay here and lock up behind us. Call us if she comes back.”

“I’m sorry,” Sean said, unable to make eye contact. “I shouldn’t have…”

“Don’t. If she wanted out then she would have gotten out somehow. Go on in,” Spike said and turned to Raven and Connor. “I need you to help me.”

They both agreed and as soon as the back door had locked again, they headed for the cemetery. Hesitating for a moment, Spike raised his head and searched for her scent on the night air. The lingering odor of smoke still clung to the sky above the town but he still found her. It was faint but the unique fragrance that was only Buffy sought him out and he followed it. As it became stronger, mixing with the aroma of fear and blood, he began to run toward her. The two figures behind him were forgotten as the need to protect his mate dominated everything else within him. He heard her cry, a sound that belied her frustration and pain, as he rounded the corner of a tomb.

Buffy looked up at him as he halted in front of her. Sadness clung to her as she held the lifeless body of a man in her arms. His blood coated her lips like some kind of grotesque lipstick. A drop slid down her chin and her tongue darted out to catch it. Though his eyes saw the scene before him, his mind could only scream at him the refrain that was his life story.

He was too late.

Every effort he had made to protect her had failed. Buffy had slipped away into the night to feed destroying the last vestiges of the priggish and self-righteous girl he had fallen in love with.

To be continued in Chapter 47 - Maternal Instincts

Chapter 47 - Maternal Instincts

February 15, 2008 1:30 AM

Spike ignored everything else around him; Raven’s horrified gasp, Connor’s outraged mutterings. Even the body was ignored as he concentrated on the tiny woman looking at him in bewilderment and fear. He dropped to his knees beside her and wiped the blood from her mouth. The sight and smell of it clinging to her was sickening and he rubbed his hand against his jeans in an effort to rid himself of the sticky fluid but it clung steadfast in its refusal to disappear.

“I was hungry,” Buffy whined.

”I know, Baby,” Spike said softly. “Why didn’t you get it from the refrigerator?”

It was a stupid question. He was trying to force his mind to work. To lose this stunned feeling and do what had to be done. He had once dreamed of the day that he could take Buffy onto the killing fields but now all he wanted to do was wake up from this nightmare.

“It’s nasty,” Buffy said, as if it was all the justification she needed for the act she had just perpetrated. “It’s not working.” Her index finger ran along her teeth. “No fangs.”

His eyes flickered to the body’s throat and saw the puncture wounds that Buffy couldn’t have possibly made. Spike looked around as his senses started working again. Dust coated Buffy’s clothes and a stake lay next to her. She had taken a vampire’s kill. Her body didn’t have the speed and flexibility at this point in her pregnancy to take down a vamp. The only way she had gotten the vampire had to have been by surprising him in those few moments after the kill when the demon was sated and full.

Spike laughed, feeling nearly intoxicated with relief. He raked shaky hands through his hair and came back to himself. Standing, he pulled the body from Buffy ignoring her protests.

“No,” Spike said, as she reached for it again. “We don’t eat people. It’s wrong.” He laughed at the irony of that statement and pulled his wife over to Raven. “Take her back to the house. Don’t call anyone. Don’t answer the phone. Don’t tell anyone what happened. Watch her and wait for me to come back. Do you understand me?”

The questions were welling up in his daughter’s eyes and he waved her off. He needed obedience.

“Raven, she didn’t kill him. I’ll explain later. Take her and go.”

This time Raven moved. She took her mother’s hand and they headed back to the house. Spike turned to Connor and could see the hate and confusion on his face. Connor hatred for vampires hadn’t diminished over time. He had opened his heart enough to let Spike in because of his love for the rest of the family. His own father was still being torn in two, one moment hated, one moment loved depending on Connor’s mood.

“Are you going to help me? Or are you going to the police and turn my wife in?”

Spike could almost see the thoughts being formed in the young man’s head as they collided against one another. Love for Buffy and the baby so much like him fighting against a childhood spent in hell. Hatred for a father that hadn’t protected him warred against his father’s family that loved and protected him. The memories of earlier that night, of a hatred born out of prejudice alone and the young girl he loved fighting against ancient laws to bring peace to a bitter world. They were all there in the depths of his blue eyes. Until finally, black and white standards eroded until they were gray.

“I’ll help you,” Connor said.

“Right then,” Spike answered, returning to the body. He cupped his hands under the man’s shoulders while Connor took his feet. In silence they moved. Spike led them to the oldest part of the cemetery where the graves were almost never visited. Oak trees towered over them, standing sentry to people that time and family had forgotten. He stopped in front of a crypt that was still pristine. Rumors flew among demons and humans alike of the great magic that was once held by the person interred there. No one dared risk disturbing his peace until a vampire needed protection for his wife more than he was superstitious of a wizard gone over a hundred years.

The lock was easily broken and the door groaned in protest as Spike pushed it open. Nothing jumped out at him and he picked the body up again. Connor was getting jumpier as they stepped into the place. His eyes darted around the dark interior.

“Raven tell you the stories?”

“Yeah, but they’re just stories, right?”

“Yep, no such things as great magicks and vampires. Just tall tales to keep the kiddies in line.”

They removed the lid of the sarcophagus and peered inside. Only bones and dust lay before them and they added a new body to keep the old one company. The lid was replaced, the door closed, and they stood outside for a moment. The consequences of what they had just done sunk a little further into their consciences. This time it was Connor who spoke first.

“It was the only thing we could do.”

“The only thing,” Spike agreed. “Come on, we need to go and make sure everything is all right at the house.”

~~~~~~~~~

February 15, 2008 2:05 AM

Xander wanted to check in with Spike before heading home. He stopped his car behind the Desoto noting the lights still burning at the back of the house. Making his way through the back yard he could hear Buffy talking. The words were indistinct but he could tell that she was agitated. He strode across the back porch and knocked on the back door.

He had heard about the fire at Willy’s from the news and after calling Buffy’s to find out if any of them had been involved, had rushed down to help. Every thing was over with by the time he got there but had volunteered to take Dawn to the hospital so Spike could return home. After dropping the couple and Clem off, Xander had come to the Blood house to let them know everyone was fine.

Sean’s frightened face peered out at him before the door was opened. Xander stepped into the house, scanning the room’s occupants. Raven sat at the table while Buffy paced the floor.

“What’s going on?” Xander asked.

“Waiting for Dad to come back,” Raven explained. “There was some kind of commotion in the cemetery and he and Connor went to check on it.”

“Oh,” Xander said, watching Buffy for a moment. He jerked his thumb in her direction and raised his eyebrows to silently ask what was going on. “She all right?”

Both teenagers stared at their mother for a moment, shrugged and turned their gaze to the table top. Something was definitely up and he approached Buffy slowly so as not to frighten her. She looked up at him and walked around him to continue her pacing.

“What’s going on, Buffy?”

“I’m hungry. Want, need blood,” Buffy muttered, her hand resting on her stomach. “Don’t want that abomination.” Her finger pointed at a mug sitting on the counter. “It’s stale and cold. The baby doesn’t like it either.”

“Why don’t we open another bag?”

“No, no, still nasty. Was I wrong? Isn’t that what Mummys do? Feed their baby’s what is best for them. Need fresh. That vileness might hurt the wee one.”

Chills ran through his body at the thought of what Buffy was saying; she wanted to drink blood from a person. His friend, the Slayer, was becoming what he hated and had hated for years. Only through time, effort and the assurance of an anchored soul had he been able to become friends with Spike. Angel was still barely tolerated. He couldn’t become close to him because of the past. How could he? Vampires were monsters. Evil creatures that killed without mercy or thought to the pain they caused.

His thoughts turned to Jesse, one of his best friends growing up and turned into a soulless demon at sixteen. What would he have done if Jesse hadn’t been staked that afternoon? Would he have staked him later? Had Buffy do it? If he had known that souls were obtainable, would he have fought for one for his friend? Would he have been like Max and let Jesse feed from him while he tried to find a way to bring his friend back?

His heart lurched as he looked at Buffy and it gave him the answer to questions that had plagued him for ten years. Xander took Buffy’s hand and led her to the study. He shut the door behind them locking her children out.

“Xander, open up,” Raven called, pounding on the door. “Wait until Dad comes home.”

“Are you going to feed me?” Buffy asked.

Her voice was soft with wonder as she looked up at him.

“Yeah, I am,” Xander said, sitting on the couch. He pulled his pocket knife out and opened it. “I don’t know quite how to do this.”

It was all she needed as she curled up in his lap. She cupped his face and nuzzled his neck, nipping gently at the side.

“I wish I could drink from there,” Buffy whispered, stroking him. “It would give you more pleasure.”

“Uh huh.”

“It is pleasurable. Haven’t you read William’s book?”

Xander nodded; uncomfortable to have her on his lap and talking about pleasure as if it was going to be a sexual experience. He had heard about the thrill. Isn’t that one of the reasons Riley went to a vampire whore house? Hadn’t he heard Anya tell him of Buffy’s experiences with Spike? Even the title of Spike’s book The Pleasure of the Bite said it plainly enough without having to read the erotic adventures of the characters.

He didn’t want it to be that. He didn’t want to be drawn into a world that he wasn’t sure he could resist. This was to help a friend and that was it. He held his wrist out, allowing her to cut it, and her eyes met his as she brought it to her mouth. Those lips he used to dream about for hours on end closed around the oozing wound. She suckled and he felt it. The delight they spoke about. It raced along his nerves, through his body and ended at his cock. This wasn’t right but he couldn’t stop it now. Not when she was making happy sounds at the blood that flowed into her mouth. His arm settled her closer against him and he laid his head on the back of the couch.

Tears cascaded down his cheeks as an understanding he had never felt before came over him. Anger that he had carried for a decade eased away with his life force. Dizziness overcame him and he surrendered to the feeling of euphoria.

~~~~~~~~~~

February 15, 2008 2:30 AM

“Daddy, Daddy,” Raven called.

The panic in his daughter’s voice spurred Spike into a run. It had to be Buffy. Connor kept pace with him and they raced into this back yard.

“What’s wrong?” Spike asked.

“Mum, Xander, I think he’s feeding her,” Raven gasped. “They locked the study door.”

Spike swore. Neither of them had any clue how to temper the feed. Neither could listen for the fading heartbeat and the slowing of the blood; she would kill Xander. His feet barely touched the floor as he made his way to the study. He didn’t even pause to knock or try the door. He went through it barely managing to stay on his feet.

Xander was fading. His face was pale and he barely looked up as Spike and the door crashed open. Buffy stared at him. She knew she was in trouble as she crawled off of her friend’s lap and backed up. Ignoring her for the moment Spike knelt next to Xander.

“Xander, wake up mate,” Spike said, slapping his face. “Come on, don’t do this.”

“Did I hurt him?” Buffy asked her eyes huge in her confusion. “He fed me and I gave him pleasure.”

“Sorry Spike,” Xander whispered, opening his eyes. “She was hungry and I…I wanted to help.”

“Yeah, well no more getting pleasure with my wife without me supervising,” Spike growled. “You could have been dead pretty soon.”

“You’re not mad?”

“After this night, I’m just happy that everybody is alive,” Spike said. Well, except for the dead guy I just hid. “Time to get up and walk around. Get whatever blood you got left pumping and pour some juice down your throat.”

Spike hoisted Xander up and with an arm wrapped around his waist they made their way into the kitchen. Propping his friend up against the counter, Spike opened the refrigerator and handed the orange juice to Xander.

“Drink it. Get your blood sugar up again.”

While Xander drank, Spike went to get Buffy. She was curled in his chair, wrapped in the afghan, rocking back and forth. It was time to make decisions again. With each step further into the madness, there were more decisions to make and more ways to cover up and hide what she was doing. He wasn’t sure if he stopped to think about it if he would do it differently. If he would find somewhere else where she would be protected or if he would continue to protect her the only way he knew how.

“Don’t baby, it’s going to be okay. I’m going to take care of everything.”

“Promise?” Buffy asked, clutching at his hands. She was coming back to herself again and he knew what she had done frightened her. “It was wrong. I know it was but the hunger…it was too much...calling to me, it did.”

Spike couldn’t tell her that he was frightened too. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could pretend to the world that everything was fine. Her actions were bearing more consequences with each passing day. Bowing his head he made the choice that he knew had been a long time coming. Kissing her hands, he murmured his assent, and stood.

“Stay here. I’ll come for you soon.”

Buffy nodded, wrapping herself tighter into a ball. Even she was beyond tears at this point. Spike closed the door behind him and returned to the kitchen. Xander was still standing, watching him as he came closer.

“You okay?” Spike asked.

“Yeah, I’m feeling better,” Xander said. “Walk me to my car.”

The pair was silent until they reached Xander’s truck. Spike waited while his friend gathered his thoughts. Spike stood; hands stuffed into his pockets, studying the ground at his feet. This conversation was going to hurt either way and he wanted to know what Xander was thinking first. Maybe if the fates could be with him but he knew they wouldn’t. Spike exhaled, a long and slow breath, as he looked up into the one person who knew him almost as well as his wife and Angel.

“What happened tonight?”

“Don’t ask questions that I can’t answer,” Spike said.

“What can I do to help?”

“Nothing.”

“Damn it, let me help,” Xander said, slamming his fist into the side of the truck. “You know how much I love her. Don’t shut me out.”

Everyone was depending on him. Everyone was waiting for his next move. Everyone’s future rested in his hands. His demon stirred. Its interest peaked at the situation. The Spike that had existed since he had been chipped found himself floundering under the responsibility that was laid on his shoulders. The joke Spike, the muscle Spike, the Buffy whipped Spike and the domesticated husband and father Spike faded as the Spike he had once been reasserted itself. Once upon a time control and power had come easy to him. The Master Vampire that had caused terror and ruled minions found himself needed and he answered the call eagerly.

Decisions snapped into place as the power flowed through his ego again. This was his family. Where once he had been the outcast and only one of Buffy’s side kick, it was now up to him to lead them. Buffy was incapacitated and incapable of making choices for them leaving him to take control. Spike stepped closer to Xander and cupped his friend’s face in his hands.

“I know how much you love her,” Spike said, talking as if to a child. “How much you love us but not this time.” He leaned into Xander when he tried to pull away. “Listen to me. It’s not because you can’t help, or I don’t want you to, it’s because of your family. I’m not going to ask for help from any of you. All of you have too much to risk and I won’t do it. Do you understand? Aidan and Jessy come first before this. Connor has no such responsibility.”

Xander’s hands clutched at his waist as tears flowed down his cheeks and over Spike’s fingers.

“Something really bad happened and you’re going to run, aren’t you?”

“I can’t answer that, mate, the less you know the better off you are.”

Spike found himself shoved away as anger vibrated through the human. Once Xander and the others would have fled with them but it couldn’t be asked anymore. If he decided to go only his immediate family would go. It all depended on whether the police came looking for them again. He knew places and owned property where no one would ever find them. Money was already in overseas bank accounts should they ever need it. It just wasn’t something that he wanted to do or do to his children. But he would protect them the best way he knew how.

“Fine, do whatever, but I swear if I ever hear of the Blood Family Singers**, I won’t listen,” Xander said, climbing into his truck. He hesitated after he started the motor, glanced up quickly and muttered, “I love you, too.”

Spike pulled his friend from the truck and wrapped his arms around him. The two clung to each other for a moment before letting go. Hopefully, the day would come again when Spike could call him for help or friendship again. For now he needed to push the others away. With regret he watched the boy drive away. Slowly he faced the house again and sighing, he walked inside to his family. It was time to take the next steps.

The three young people sat around the kitchen table looking up as he walked in. There were so many emotions in their faces; confusion, isolation, fear, and love but also the need for assurance that things would work out. Spike studied them for a moment and knew he had to give them honesty.

“She didn’t kill that man. He was already dead when she got there but if someone…anyone else saw her, she’ll be the one to pay the price. With her past and the suspicion of Nikki still lingering, we’ll lose her. I need to know if you are willing to stand by her and keep this a secret.”

“Are you going to kill us if we aren’t?” Raven asked, her emotions bringing out her sarcasm in a feeble attempt at a joke.

There was a time that he would have. The family unit was to be protected at all costs and the sacrifice of one or more was acceptable to achieve that end. Spike smiled and shook his head. Today there were other ways.

“If you want out, I will have your memories erased of the time spent with us. And I’ll find someplace safe for you to live.”

“You can do that?” Sean asked, fear lacing his question.

“Yes, it’s possible and I will do it to protect her and you. The choice is yours though.”

Footsteps padded on the tile behind him and Spike raised his arm allowing Buffy close to his body. He kissed her on the temple as he waited.

“I’m in,” Sean said. “This is my family and I’m not giving it up.”

“Me too,” Raven echoed.

All eyes fell to Connor as he once again struggled with a decision. He looked at each of them before turning to Spike.

“This baby is the only one that I know that is similar to me. It’s going to need me to help it understand,” Connor whispered and ducked his head. “I’m in.”

Spike exhaled the breath he hadn’t know he was holding. “All right, Connor I need you to do me a favor. Give me a second.” He turned to head to the study when Raven stopped him.

“Daddy, I feel like its kind of anti-climatic just to say we’re in. Shouldn’t we, I don’t know, have like a ceremony or something?”

They were children in age but in life and pain they were older than many people would ever be. A ritual, like a marriage ceremony, would give them the assurances they needed. Spike closed his eyes for a second remembering the rites he had participated in as a vampire. Allegiances and enemies formed over the spilling of blood. Maybe they all needed the return to roots that had been forgotten by many.

Spike reached into the cabinet and removed a wine glass, searched the drawer for a sharp enough knife before returning to the table. The glass was placed in the center and the three children stood in respect of what they knew was a sacred ceremony. Buffy returned to his side as his mate. Her body danced to the excitement that vibrated from her being. He looked each of them in the eye before he cut his palm and let blood flow into the glass. The words that once would have been spoken were changed to fit the new family.

“I offer my blood to you as a sign that I accept leadership of this clan. I will lead with love and honesty. I give you my strength and will lay down my life to protect its members.”

Buffy was first and he knew somehow that the words would flow easily from her lips. Her blood joined his.

“I offer my blood to you as a sign that you have my allegiance and will follow where you dictate. My obedience will be given without question and will give you my life and my heart as your mate.”

One by one the children gave him their hand so that their blood could be mingled. They repeated Buffy’s word changing the word mate for child. It was only at Connor that Spike hesitated.

“If you do this than you must also accept your father as part of it. He is my Sire and has ultimate power over us.”

Connor stretched out his hand to join them. Spike picked up the glass that held their blood and swirled it until they were completely mixed. He took a sip and staggered backwards from the power and magic that was contained within. The blood of two Slayers, two Lankasha and the son of two vampires was a heady mix. Even if Raven and Sean had no visible powers, it was there, simmering beneath the surface available to future generations. His demon roared to the surface at the offerings it was given, wanting and demanding more. It was all Spike could do to contain the need to feed from these vessels that were now his. Gaining his composure he straightened and spoke the next words.

“I drink the blood of the family to show my loyalty is first to its members. It is to be protected and nurtured before any other relationships.”

The glass was handed to Buffy; she took a sip, made her vow and passed it to Connor. Spike watched as his family became one. The looks of revulsion that passed over their faces as they tasted blood for the first time was amusing. Raven, for all her bravado, gagged as she swallowed it. The boys teased her and took their share as manly as possible. The glass was returned to him and he drank the rest with greed. It was an offering that would probably never happen again and he wasn’t going to let the opportunity go.

“Okay, I need ice cream to get rid of that taste,” Raven said, opening the freezer. “Anyone else want some?”

“Just bring it here,” Buffy said.

The container was put in the middle of the table and Raven handed spoons to everyone. They started to eat while Spike returned to his study. He could hear their laughter and conversation as he searched through Sean’s school papers on his computer. Choosing a two-page history report, Spike meticulously changed certain words to insert a coded message within the content. It would be sent to Angel for him to set things up in case they needed to flee.

Spike printed the pages out and slipped them into a folder before returning to the kitchen.

“Connor,” Spike said and waited until the young man stood. “Take this to your father. Tell him everything including that you love him. He’ll know about the ritual as soon as he sees you. Be honest.” He handed him the folder and pulled Connor into a hug. “Be careful.”

Spike watched as his messenger said good-bye to the others. He even tolerated the quick kiss that was given to Raven along with promises to return. The boy he once disliked and now his accomplice fled into the night, taking with him the family’s future. It was an uneasy feeling but he had to trust someone. Spike looked over his family still at the table with a melted bucket of ice cream in front of them. He smiled and held his hand out to Buffy.

“I think it’s time for bed,” Spike said.

“May as well stay up,” Raven said. “Only a couple of hours until school starts.”

“Skip it. Let’s make it a long weekend,” Spike answered, leading Buffy from the room. “That okay, wife?”

“Sounds good to me.”

Spike laughed as the kids whooped and ran for their rooms. It had been a long and hellish night. They all deserved some rest and he was feeling indulgent. A few minutes later he was curled around Buffy in their bed. In spite of everything he felt peaceful as he listened to her breath and felt his baby move beneath his hand. Maybe things were about to change…

To be continued in Chapter 48 - Unholy Alliances….

**Author’s Note: This was a reference to the Von Trapp Family Singers. The family fled Hitler-invaded Austria in 1938. The family sang to survive and was immortalized in the movie The Sound of Music.

Next