March 24, 2008 7:45 AM

Her hands wouldn’t stop shaking. They seemed to have a life of their own as they twitched and jerked in her lap. Buffy slipped them under her legs hoping that if she couldn’t stop them then she could hide them. It didn’t help because the rest of her body was following suit; trembling and shivering all over. She feared that her body was going to shatter into the million pieces her heart seemed to be in.

Once when she was a girl she’d told Willow that Angel leaving her left her feeling like she couldn’t breathe. She would welcome that hurt now. It in no way compared to the pain she was in now; wracking her down to her very soul. She was empty. A vessel discarded by the very beings she had kept alive within her. Drusilla who had filled her mind with endless chatter, William who had never left her heart since she was sixteen and her baby that had filled her womb; they were all gone. She was as blank as the day that her father’s sperm had met her mother’s egg.

And she had no one to blame but herself.

Buffy reached into the back seat of the car to grab her jacket and pull it around her shoulders. It was so cold that she didn’t think she’d ever be warm again.

“Are you all right, Buffy?” Giles asked. “Do you need to go back?”

But it wasn’t really what he was asking. What he was asking was if she wanted to go back. Did she? Yes, more than anything. Her eyes filled with tears as she remembered walking down to nursery to have one last look at Journey before Giles drove her to the clinic. But her baby was gone. The nurses were apologetic as they told her that her husband had picked the infant up a mere fifteen minutes before. Didn’t he come by and see her? Her eyes closed as she leaned against the window.

“No, I can’t,” Buffy whispered. “I don’t trust myself to be around them.”

It was the simplest explanation she could give. She didn’t trust herself because she didn’t know who she was anymore. So, how could William? It was funny that she had expected him to know and understand though. He had always known the secrets of her heart especially the ones she wasn’t willing to face. But he didn’t know anymore because she had pushed him away like she had a thousand other times. This time she didn’t think he was coming back.

How the tables had turned. The good had become evil and the evil had become good. Their roles were reversed and she was now the one looking through the window wishing she could belong. Buffy choked back a sob as they crossed the line taking them out of Sunnydale. Unable to let go, she turned in her seat to watch it retreat behind her. Everything was back there. She didn’t even have the familiar anymore.

Buffy turned around when she couldn’t see anything but the road anymore. She stared at Giles driving without comment. He was the only one that volunteered to take her. Everyone else was too angry with her or too hurt to deal with it.

“Why?”

Giles glanced at her and gave that tired smile he always wore when they were teenagers.

“It felt like my duty and…and my responsibility.”

“You’re not my watcher anymore,” Buffy said, looking to stare at the scenery. “I’m not even the Slayer anymore. I’m nothing.”

“Bullshit, Buffy,” Giles said, surprising her with the expletive. “Self-pity isn’t going to get you anything or anywhere. You need to take responsibility for what you’ve done, deal with it and go home to your family. You’re a mother now for God’s sake and that is not nothing. That is everything.”

Chastised, Buffy wrung her hands together and smiled at the gesture. It was familiar. It was something to cling to even no matter how small it might appear to be. They rode in silence the rest of the way to the clinic that would be her new home for awhile. Giles pulled the car up to the entrance and started to step out.

“No, you’re right,” Buffy said, laying her hand on his arm. “It’s time that I took responsibility and it may as well start with me walking in by myself.” She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “And thank you for everything.”

“You’re welcome.”

Buffy stepped from the car, took her suitcase from the backseat, waved good-bye to Giles and walked in to face her demons.

~~~~~~~~~

March 29, 2008 1:46 PM

I’m gonna step into the fire

The girl in the mirror kept mocking her.

It was the girl who once had the world by the tail and didn’t even realize it. She was a constant reminder with her blonde hair, green eyes and slim body that Buffy had failed. It wasn’t thought out; it was a gesture of futile hope, as she shattered the mirror with her bare hand. From outside her open door, she heard Judson, another patient, rushing away and muttering that he knew the new one was violent.

Buffy stared at the pieces of the glass and the fragmented reflection of her face. There that was better. Now everything was in pieces including that idiot girl who didn’t have a clue except beyond her clothes and her selfish desire to date.

“Everything okay?” Essie said, walking up behind her.

“Now it is,” Buffy whispered, turning to look at the woman beside her. Essie was one of the most beautiful women she’d ever seen. She was petite, with short blonde hair and blue eyes the color of a summer sky. And her heart was as beautiful as her looks. “I…couldn’t stand looking at her anymore.”

Buffy had been there for three days now clinging to the wall around her. Afraid of the repercussions of letting go she’d held her emotions close to her breast. She paced the room, stepping out of the way of the broken glass and Essie now sitting on the edge of her bed. If something didn’t happen soon she was going to explode. Like a junkie in withdrawal the shaking had returned. Her body unable to hold onto her overloaded senses anymore was going to give up the fight.

“It’s all there in my head,” Buffy said, turning to walk the other way. “Telling me what a bitch I am, how stupid I was, how vicious I was in my certainty that I was right. I can’t sit still because it will suffocate me.”

“What do you want to do, Buffy? Not the answer that you think you should give but what are your senses telling you?”

“To run.”

It was simple. Catch a train or a plane away from Sunnydale. Start a new life somewhere with no reminders of her past. They could be squirreled away like William’s memories.

“Come on,” Essie said, taking her hand. She led Buffy to the back entrance of the clinic and tugged her outside. “I know it’s probably not what you intended.” She swept an arm out the landscape behind them. Hills and forest stretched for as far as the eye could see. “Run. There’s five hundred acres for you to pound away at the wall you’re behind.” She slipped a cell phone in Buffy’s pocket and gave her a gentle push. “You won’t heal until you let it loose. And it sounds like you’re ready to do that.”

“What if I get lost?”

“You won’t,” Essie said. “The cell phone has a two way radio and I’m going to give you a ten minute head start then I’ll follow on horseback. You’re safe.”

Buffy felt silly at first and only walked through the field. But the voices came; bringing with them the recriminations they always did and she walked faster. By the time she hit the line of trees she was jogging and it was only a matter of moments before she was running like the hounds of hell was after her. But they were. Her hounds carefully raised to protect the persona she’d perfected since she was fifteen.

They nipped at her heels as they barked out the truth and fears. You took a good man and you broke his heart. You let your children be in danger. You were a lousy friend. You were always more concerned with how things affected you. You let Jenny die. You had a stranger punished for something that she didn’t really do. Every fault she’d ever carried any guilt for rained down around her as she ran.

She fell, sprawling onto the ground when she tripped over a tree root. Buffy lay there for a moment listening to the pounding of her heart and feeling the sweat as it rolled down her body. She sat up and spat the dirt from her mouth. But as soon as she opened her mouth, she screamed. Every single time she’d stifled anything in her life was set free as the mournful wails left her. And finally when her throat was raw and the only sound she could make was a squeak, she found her catharsis in tears. Arms held her when Essie found her and she lay there in the leaves and the dirt as her soul emptied itself.

“Cry it all out,” Essie cooed, stroking her back. “Don’t let anything remain in those dark corners. Pull it all out and let it go.”

It could have been hours that she cried. Buffy wasn’t sure of anything when she weakly pushed herself to stand. A final sniffle accompanied by a dirty hand that wiped the tears from her cheeks left her looking like a child that had been lost for too long. And for the first time since she could remember when Buffy felt strong and sure even standing in the ruins of her life. Hope had been unburied and she held onto it with a death grip

~~~~~~~~~~

April 8, 2008 1:20 PM

Monday through Friday from 1:00 PM to 2:00 PM she sat in this office wrapped in a blanket and talked. It didn’t matter what the subject was. The only thing that mattered was that she didn’t hold back, didn’t care what anyone thought, it was who she really was. Essie listened, curled in the chair across from her, never judging, never expecting anything but the truth.

She said the words she’d never said before. The beauty of making love for the first time, the horror of watching that love falling apart, the things that slipped through her fingers, the dreams she could never have, the love for a vampire that still terrified with its intensity. The need to punish herself for all the things she should have done and never did. It was all laid bare, ugly, scary, joyous, and welcoming, while she worked her way through boxes of tissues.

Twice a week Sara joined them, offering nudges when Buffy became caught in a loop, asking questions of things she already knew. Slowly the landscape of her life became a bit easier to traverse as the road was cleared of debris.

Today it was just Buffy and Essie facing her guilt.

“What were you trying to accomplish by having Nikki attacked?”

“To make me feel like I was fighting for him,” Buffy said, ducking her head. “Twice in a year he’s looked to another woman for something he can’t find with me.”

“Did it work?”

Buffy shook her head. “No, it only made it worse. It’s one of the things he can’t forgive me for.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“It’s something that I can’t forgive myself for.”

“Am I going to have to pry this out of you? Why? Why no forgiveness? Why did you think it was all right to hire someone to attack a woman that your husband didn’t even sleep with?”

“So, it would have been all right if he had?” Buffy said, smiling.

“Maybe a little more understandable,” Essie said, returning the smile.

Buffy drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. “I was so pissed. More than pissed I was enraged at the thought that my husband, my lover, would even look at a two bit tramp he picked up in a bar.” She flung her arms and head back against the couch. “Arrgh, just like Riley did. Damn it. They all fucking do this. Angel turned his back on me and walked away, Riley was letting some vampire whore suck from him and William…oh God, I just wanted to hurt her. I wanted to hurt them all but I couldn’t do anything to William. I needed him to survive. Drusilla was there encouraging me. And it felt good to strike back for once. They never heard my rage and my pain. They told me how I was supposed to feel. They told me what I wanted. Decisions without my consent and I hated them for it.” She buried her face in her hands as the tears came again. “All I wanted was to be loved.”

“Were they without pain? Did you listen to their feelings?”

“No,” Buffy whispered. “Their pain was my fault. I wanted things they couldn’t give me. I’ve always demanded too much.”

“Asking for what you need is not demanding too much,” Essie said. “William didn’t do it though. He may have faltered but he chose to do the right thing in the end. Why do something that would only push him away? Was it you or Drusilla that came up with this plan?”

“Dru.”

“What did she have to gain by encouraging you in an act that would drive another wedge in your marriage?”

It was too simple and she’d been too blinded to see.

“William,” Buffy said. “If he hated me then he would be free for her.”

~~~~~~~~~~

April 13, 2008 1:05 PM

“Buffy,” Nurse Calloway said, her voice breaking through the Slayer’s attempt at journaling and making Buffy look up with startled eyes. “You have visitors.”

Her heart soared with hope as Buffy made her way to the lobby. He’d come. She turned the corner and felt her heart break again. It was Raven that saw Buffy’s attempt to hide her pain behind a mask of happiness. Her daughter ran to her and wrapped her in arms as strong as her own.

“I’m sorry, Mummy,” Raven whispered, her fingers petting her mother’s back. “He wouldn’t come. I begged him but he wouldn’t.”

“It’s okay,” Buffy said, determined that her child wouldn’t carry the guilt of her sins. “It’s okay. I should have known he wouldn’t.” She opened one arm to the others who’d come with Raven: Sean, Josh, Dawn, Connor, Clem and Bryant. They were the ones who’d been able to stand by her during her entire pregnancy without judging or turning from her instantly surrounded her in a group hug. She accepted kisses and touches as they welcomed her back into the fold.

“We brought presents,” Bryant said, holding his hand up to show her the gift bag he held.

“Goody,” Buffy said. She turned to the nurse at the front desk to let her know she was taking over the small lounge that the group sessions were held in. Once given an approval, Buffy led them to the back of the building to a room that overlooked the courtyard. “Come on, everybody sit, talk to me.”

“He’s good, Mum,” Sean said, sitting on one side of her. “Dad is Dad. He’s taken over everything and seems happy doing it. And Journey, we’ve started calling her Joy, is just that, a joy.”

“Daddy’s joy,” Buffy said. “And Elijah?”

Raven looked away then back to her mother. Buffy could see the anger that still lingered in the teenager’s eyes. “He’s doing better. He’s confused because there isn’t anyone to connect to anymore. And he thinks he’s failed because you and...her are gone.” Raven spat.

“I was wrong, Raven,” Buffy admitted. “At the time, with the things that were going on, I thought I was right but I wasn’t.”

There was almost a relief that went through the young people at her confession. The sincerity of her words seemed to free them as they broke out into gossip about what everyone was doing. For a few minutes she was brought up to date with everyone’s lives until Bryant lay the first present on her lap.

“Thank you,” Buffy said opening the bag and pulling out her gift wrapped in tissue paper. Carefully she unfolded it to reveal a picture of Spike and Journey. It had to have been late or a particularly brutal day because Spike’s hair was sticking out all over, his eyes bleary as he fed their baby. It was the most beautiful thing she’d every seen and wished she was ready to go home. “Again thank you. I’ll treasure this.”

“Another one,” Dawn said, putting a small box on her lap next.

This one was a picture of her four children with Elijah holding Journey and the teens flanking them. A tear fell onto the glass and she wondered if they knew something she didn’t. That these small tokens would be all she’d have to remember her family by.

The rest of the visit passed in a happy blur of playing cards and eating the cookies that Del had sent. Buffy refused to let anymore sadness into the day and simply enjoyed the companionship of the young people. By the time they left she was emotionally exhausted and went to seek Essie out. The doctor was sitting at her desk doing paperwork and Buffy offered her a cookie.

“Thanks, Buffy,” Essie said, biting into the chocolate chip masterpiece. “Oh my, this is good. So, how did your visit go?”

“Good,” Buffy said, looking around before meeting those eyes again. “I was wondering if I could take one of the horses out. I really enjoyed it the day that you brought me back and I just want to get out of here for a little while.”

“Want some company?” Essie asked. “This is stuff that can wait. I could stand to get out of here for a little while.”

Buffy had discovered a new passion in horseback riding. The day that she had taken the run, Essie had brought her back on her horse. It had been exhilarating, rivaling the feel of riding on the motorcycle with Spike, but she wanted more control. The rest of the afternoon was spent learning how to flow with the animal’s movements and to control the speed. By the time they returned to the clinic, galloping through the field, Buffy knew that soon she’d have her own horse. It was love at first sight and the feeling of flying was something to be included in the new life she was building.

~~~~~~~~~

April 29, 2008 4:15 PM

Don’t hope, don’t hope, it’s not him, don’t hope, Buffy chanted in her mind as she headed for the lobby again. She’d been paged to the front and knew it had to be a visitor. Taking a deep breath she turned the corner and looked for who had come to see her. She stopped suddenly when she saw that it was Cordelia. Their eyes connected and Buffy could see the need for a friend in her long time rival. The next thing she knew they were hugging. Not a phony ‘because we have to hug but because we need to hug’ hug.

“Hi, Buffy,” Cordelia said, stepping back. “I hope you don’t mind me stopping by.”

“Oh, yes, it’s right on your daily route,” Buffy said, taking the brunette’s hand to lead her out to the garden. “What made you jump in the car and drive over two hours to visit me?”

“I need an ally,” Cordelia said honestly, sinking down on the bench next to Buffy. “They’re bitches, every single last one of them, bitches.” She hid a sob as she looked down at her hands. “I’m sorry. You are the last person who needs someone coming undone on them since you’re a little undone yourself.”

Buffy laughed. Even in agony, Cordelia still had the tongue of a viper. It was almost comforting in her need for reminders of home.

“It’s okay,” Buffy said. “Who are these bitches that you’re referring to?”

“Do you know that we have become the outcasts? You and me,” Cordelia said. “Everyone has taken their sides and we have become the family pariahs. Do they ever think about what the hell we go through with those vampires? We live with them but the first time something isn’t to their liking we’re instantly at fault.”

“But we did what they are accusing us of,” Buffy said gently. “Give Angel time. He’ll come around.”

“Do you know what he did to me? Me?” Cordelia said, laying her hand on her chest. “He had the audacity to serve me with divorce papers.”

It couldn’t be true. Dawn had told Buffy what had happened but she didn’t think Angel would take it so hard. It wasn’t pleasant but it wasn’t anything like what she had done to William. If they were as close as she thought they were then it didn’t seem like it would take much time until she received her papers, too.

“What did you do?”

“Shredded them and sent them back. He’s not going to get rid of me so easily. He and Spike are all heady on this power trip since they decided to establish Aurelius Enterprises. They’re running around like frickin’ mob bosses or something.” Cordelia stood to pace the small pathway. “Do you know that they’re even talking about backing a construction company for Xander? Xander, of all people is in good with Angel while me, who went through hell several times with that vampire, he’s trying to get rid of. I am so pissed.”

“Stay that way,” Buffy advised. “What else are they doing?”

Cordelia settled on the bench again. “They’re establishing a house for troubled women. It’s going to be called the Drusilla House and they’re thinking about using Sanctuary for it. I have established myself to run the charity side of the company with you helping me.”

“How did you manage that?”

“Blackmail, pure and simple, I know too much and said I’d blow his life wide open. It wasn’t pretty but like I told him, I’m not going anywhere.” Cordelia quieted for a moment before glancing at Buffy. “I love him too much to let him go now.”

“Keep fighting,” Buffy said, staring off into the distance. “Someone needs to.”

“Have you given up? Don’t you still love Spike?”

“Neither here nor there at this point,” Buffy said. “Until I’m out of here everything is on hold.”

“Since my loving husband kicked me out of the house,” Cordelia said, with a grin gracing her face. “I rented a very nice beach house for me to live in. If things don’t work out…well, if you find yourself in the same situation you can come and stay with me. It’s way too huge for one person.”

Buffy laughed at the thought of her and Cordelia being roommates but sobered quickly. She never thought that Spike would stop loving her but it had happened. So, maybe a house on the beach wasn’t so far fetched. She nodded to accept the offer if need be.

“Why did you get such a big place?”

“I’m spending his money as fast as I can. I know it’s juvenile but if he’s pissed, he cares, so I’ll keep getting one emotion or another out of him.”

“At least he’s thinking of you,” Buffy said wondering if William ever thought of her anymore.

“Don’t Buffy; he’s just really upset and confused. I’ve never seen anyone go through so much just so they could love someone. It’s not going to die so easily.”

“But I abandoned his children and…”

“You stop that,” Cordelia said, grabbing her hand. “You have not abandoned your children. If they would open their damn eyes they’d see that too. You have left them with a loving parent, so many family members that they’re never alone, you brought Del in to care for the house and be a surrogate grand-parent for them and damn, woman, you even arranged to have your breast milk delivered everyday so that Journey has the best nutrition possible. That’s a hell of a lot more than a lot of parents would do. If you’re not well then you’re no good for them. You made the best decision possible. Yeah, you screwed up before but it’s not like you didn’t have a gazillion outside forces hindering your decision making processes.”

“Well, gee,” Buffy said, laughing. “I never thought I’d see the day when Cordelia Chase was fighting on my side.”

“Just listen to me, woman. We’re going to make it because that damn family wouldn’t exist if we hadn’t pushed those vampires to get their acts together,” Cordelia said, her eyes shiny with tears as she hugged Buffy. “Don’t give up. Not ever.”

~~~~~~~~~

May 8, 2008 9:58 AM

All the patients with arrangements to go into town were standing outside the clinic waiting for the van. Buffy stood off to the side. Even after weeks of being there she still hadn’t accepted anyone’s friendship. She needed the isolation to learn the rhythms of her body and mind again. To get used to the quiet inside her mind, that ached sometimes with the loneliness of not having anyone else’s thoughts flooding it.

This was also the first time since she’d arrived that she was facing the outside world again. It was terrifying but her time here was dwindling and she needed to acclimate herself to living again. When the van stopped, Buffy climbed into the back seat, curling into a corner while the others, chattering in friendly tones sat closer to the front.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” Judson asked, waving a hand at the seat.

“That’s fine,” Buffy said, wondering why he’d want to be by her. He’d constantly picked on her in group sessions and watched her like a hawk for something to be wrong so he could report her.

“I don’t hate you, you know,” Judson said, speaking after they had been on the road for awhile. “You’re just too intense for me.”

The confession surprised her as she studied him for a moment. Without thinking about it she reached over and tucked a lock of his long brown hair behind his ear. It was then that she realized who he reminded her of. He was a modern day William, shy in general, especially nervous around women, artistic but smart. She smiled at him and he returned it.

“Sorry, but life is too intense for me right now,” Buffy said, turning on the seat so she was facing him. “You remind me of my husband.”

“He’s a lucky man.”

“He doesn’t think so,” Buffy said. “Not right now.”

Judson smiled at her. “He did before and he will again.”

Before she could ask him what he meant, the driver was pulling into a parking lot. He gave them quick instructions on when to return and everyone was piling out of the vehicle.

“Do you want me to show you around?” Judson asked, his hand gesturing to the main street of the small town north of the clinic. “I mean…I know…since you’ve never been here before.”

“Yeah, I’d like that,” Buffy said.

There wasn’t really a lot to show as they walked up and down the street. Occasionally they’d stroll into a store. The bookstore was a must for Judson because he was out of reading materials and he bought some books and magazines. It was as they passed the hair salon for the second time that Buffy hesitated. Her hand went over her hair that was reflected in the window. New start; new me, and she walked in followed by her new friend. Two hours later they walked back out. The realization that she’d really done it became real as her fingers went over the new style she’d chosen. It was totally different and she wondered if Spike would like it. She sighed because she knew he’d hate it.

“I made a mistake,” Buffy cried. “Oh, God, he’ll hate it and take it as one more sign I don’t love him.”

Judson ran fingers over her hair. “It’s beautiful, Buffy, just like you are. You said that the girl you were is gone and this reflects more of the woman you want to be. He’ll learn to appreciate it.”

“Thank you,” Buffy said, relaxing a little. She was twenty-seven, not sixteen or nineteen and as time made changes in her face, was it such a crime that the rest of her would change with it?”

“Come on,” Judson said, taking her hand. “We need to get back so we don’t miss the van.”

On the way back to the clinic the two huddled together in the back seat talking. She hated the feelings that this man gave her. He made her feel like she did when she was in high school. The fluttery feelings in her stomach as she discovered someone new. But instead of making her want to be with Judson, they only made her long for what she and William never had; the first date, the first hesitant kiss, and all the silly feelings that came with new love. Her fingers played with her wedding band and let memories flood her being.

That night she went to look for Judson in the dining room and found he’d checked out. He left her a small note saying it was for the best that he left now. He told her to always leave her heart open and that she was the most effulgent woman he’d ever met.

And for the first time she had real hope that her marriage might survive.

~~~~~~~~~

May 12, 2008 1:02 PM

“We’re playing dress up?” Buffy asked, sitting on the floor across from Essie and eyeing the piles of gaudy beads between them.

“No, not today,” Essie said, laughing. “Remember the list I asked you to do last week; the one where you write down all your responsibilities and the name of everyone in your life?”

Buffy nodded.

“There is a string of beads for each of those responsibilities and names. We’ve talked that you are going to be starting a new chapter of your life. So, what I want you to do is decide what and who you are taking into your new life.”

“It’s not that simple. Some things are chosen for you.”

“No, they’re not, Buffy. Someone can tell you something, even to be a Slayer, but you don’t have to accept it. You could have walked away; that was something you established with Sara, right?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Buffy said, smiling. “So, how do I start?”

“First I want you to remove your engagement ring and wedding band and put them together over here,” Essie said, pointing to the left of the other piles. She continued to point her way through the piles. “There is a pile for your children, your friends, the dog, people you’ve known in the past. The ones for the past are so you can decide if you want to hold onto their memory or let them go. And there is one for the duties of the Slayer and the responsibilities that you do in your life; like teaching the classes. Start anywhere you want.”

The children were the easiest and Buffy quickly looped the four strands of beads around her neck. The dog was next to be added. She sorted through her responsibilities, picking up most and discarded a few that she really didn’t like. They weren’t really life threatening just chores she didn’t like to do but figured somewhere along the lines she’d pick them up again. She sorted through the ones for the people from the past; her mother, Kendra, Faith were easy to add. The only one from her past that she let go of was her father. It had been years since they’d heard from and she decided that he wasn’t worth her time or grief anymore. After a few moments of wavering she added Drusilla because in the end they had established a rapport that would burn in her heart for years. Dru had helped her through those last few days in spite of everything else that had happened.

Buffy divided out beads for the people currently in her life by LA and Sunnydale. In the end she added them all knowing that each person was essential in some way and worthy of being loved by the mere fact that they fought in their war. And in the end they were her family. A family she loved to be included in.

By this time strands were being wrapped around her wrists and ankles. The last two things lying before her was her rings and the strand of beads for being the Slayer. She fingered the beads and looped them on her wrist. Even if she wasn’t the official Slayer anymore, she knew that the battle would continue to rage and she did want to be a part of it. Relief swept through as she realized that her life was truly her own and it wasn’t something she’d fallen into. The people she loved and the daily tasks were all a part of who she was.

The last was the rings. Tears filled her eyes as she searched her heart for the truth. It wasn’t hard to find and the rings were slipped on her hand again.

“I want my marriage to work,” Buffy said, looking at the first time at the woman in front of her. “He is my heart and has been for years. It’s not perfect and probably never will be but it’s ours for better or worse. And I love him in spite of his faults and I love him for all the good things about him. I love him for being merely who he is.”

~~~~~~~~~

May 14, 2008 4:45 PM

For two days she’d worn the beads, never taking them off, letting them be a constant reminder of who she was and who she wanted to be. They weren’t heavy but rather came to be seen as a joy as she would touch them and think of the person or thing they represented. For the first time in years she felt whole and complete.

And she knew it was time.

Buffy entered her therapist’s office with butterflies dancing in her stomach. Before she could lose her courage she set the box on Essie’s desk before sitting in a chair.

“What’s in the box?”

“The beads,” Buffy said. “I decorated the box in art therapy to hold them.”

The box was covered in blue tissue paper with pictures of hearts and angels glued on. The top was inscribed with the words Buffy’s Heart. She knew it was silly, like something she would have made in junior high to hold her diaries but it meant something to her. Every time she’d doubt her life she could pull the box out and remind herself what was really important.

“And what are you trying to tell with bringing this here?” Essie asked, running her finger over the top.

“I’m ready to go home.”

“I agree,” Essie said with a smile. “However, I’d like for you to have one more group and individual session.”

Buffy nodded. “That’s fine.” Her finger ran along the edge of the desk as she sorted through her fears. “Would you call William and ask him if he’d come to pick me up? If I call he’ll say yes just because I asked but if you call he’ll be more honest.”

Essie picked up the phone to call her husband and Buffy waited, praying for him to want to pick her up. The phone was dropped back on the cradle and Essie smiled. “He’ll be here at three tomorrow. So, is that good news?”

“Yes,” Buffy said, elated. “If he’s coming to pick me up himself then that means he wants us to at least talk things out. If he’s willing to talk then it means he’s willing to try.”

Maybe they would find a way back to each other.

A/N: Song lyrics are from ‘From the Ashes’ by Martina McBride.

Chapter 54 - The Back of Your Hand

May 15, 2008 2:15 PM

When you give it up for gone**

But you’re still digging in your mind

And you’re staring out the window

Saying everything will be just fine

His fingers beat on the steering wheel in time to the questions in his head. Everything in Spike’s heart told him to run before this consumed him. He had let go once and almost drowned. Now he didn’t know if he could trust her to keep him afloat anymore. Buffy had been gone for over seven weeks to a place where he couldn’t reach her.

And you let her leave thinking you hated her for it.

Would she still love him? Did he still love her? He didn’t know anymore. Last summer he would have said yes without hesitation. The trust between them had been broken leaving him questioning the validity of his own heart. He knew she had done what she thought she had to do; to protect him, to protect their family and their baby. The baby she had deserted when Journey was only a day old.

You didn’t even let her say good-bye to her baby.

Who was the guiltier of the two? Who was right and wrong? Did it even matter anymore? Was there even a ‘them’ anymore? Did either of them want to find out? Hell, he wasn’t sure he even wanted to breech the chasm that separated them anymore. One thing he did know was that the place in his heart, soul and life that Buffy once filled was a yawning, aching void. And he stood teetering on the edge of the precipice unsure of whether to jump back in or run to safety.

The call had come yesterday saying she was ready to come home. So, he had come. Everyone was at home, giddy with expectation. The house was decorated in festive colors and signs welcoming her home. No one had asked if he even wanted her back. He hadn’t been given a choice. So, here he was doing his duty. His wife would come home. She would resume her role in the family and household. She would take over being Journey’s primary caretaker. And…

Where the hell does that leave me?

Spike slammed his hand on the steering wheel and jumped out of the truck. Before he could give into his basic instinct to flee he strode into the foyer of the Brandon Clinic. He gave a quick glance around before approaching the front desk and telling the receptionist what he was there for. The peppy woman told him that his wife was out in the courtyard along with directions on how to get there.

“Thanks,” Spike said, over his shoulder as he headed toward the door. The day was bright and he blinked behind his sunglasses as he searched for his wife. He didn’t spot her at first among the people wandering through the garden. A woman approached him and he turned to ask her if she knew his wife when he realized it was Buffy. Ten years and he almost didn’t recognize her.

Who are you? Why did you leave me alone?

Spike was grateful for the glasses as his eyes filled with tears. Neither spoke or moved as he took stock of the woman standing before him. The golden cloud of hair that he adored was gone replaced by a short style in her natural color. Her body changed by pregnancy and time was still petite but her hips had widened while her breasts were heavy with his child’s nourishment. But it was her eyes that ripped his soul in two. They were the same chameleon hazel that would tell her moods but they showed the agony of the last year in their depths. He stared into them for a moment noting the wisdom and serenity also dwelling in their depths.

Buffy smiled gently at him. “Hello, William.”

It seemed that somehow even he was vanished from her life. Spike wasn’t welcome. She only called him William anymore. His hand lifted and fell in a feeble attempt to find something to anchor himself to but there was nothing there…nothing at all.

“Hi,” Spike said. “You ready to go. The kids have a party planned so…”

“Respond accordingly. You don’t need to tell me,” Buffy said, tilting her head. And if there had been any mischief in her eyes he would think she was a fairy or sprite. “I’ll behave.”

Spike sighed and followed her out to the lobby. While she said good-bye to the staff, he waited by her suitcases left by the door. Her laughter was genuine and the affection easy as she spoke to the people surrounding her.

How long has it been since we were happy to be with each other?

Buffy walked toward him her smile fading with each step. It was as if she knew every emotion that was coursing through him. He pushed the door open and waited for her to step through before following. She led the way to the parking lot until she stopped at the edge glancing around perplexed.

“It’s over here,” Spike said, leading them to a Lincoln Navigator. “I bought it when I got Sean a car for his birthday. The Desoto has been retired.”

“Any other changes I should know about?” Buffy asked her voice tempered with a touch of trepidation and anger.

“Any others I should know about?” Spike answered, his fingers flipping her hair.

She didn’t answer just turned on her heel and climbed in. Forgetting all the rules he’d given himself, Spike decided he could play that game if that was what she wanted. The back gate was slammed shut after he tossed her bags in the back. The driver’s door followed suit a few seconds later.

“Bloody fucking typical,” Buffy muttered.

“That’s redundant,” Spike answered as he pulled out of the space. “And what do you consider typical?”

“You being a jerk,” Buffy snapped, staring at him. “You did it the last time I came back. Pile the guilt on Buffy for daring to leave you and make sure she’s properly punished for needing time.”

“Do I get the fucking time?”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth he knew it was a mistake. His eyes closed while he stopped the truck.

I don’t want to do this. I am so tired of fighting you.

“I gave you the time and welcomed you back with open arms…twice,” Buffy whispered. “Everybody gets forgiven but me. Drusilla, Angel, Max and when it comes to me I have to bear the weight of all their cruelty and mistakes.”

“Oh, yes, Buffy, I’m so sorry for being hurt,” Spike said, throwing the truck into park. “Let’s count the ways you have never hurt me or been cruel or didn’t trust me.”

Buffy grabbed his hand, slamming it into her face and horrified he stared at what she had done.

“Beat me, please. Let it out, all of it and get it over with. I can take it. Lay all your pain on me,” Buffy cried. “Just show me something besides the anger, silence and guilt.”

“I don’t even know who the fuck you are anymore,” Spike whispered.

“Same goes here.” Buffy snapped, turning to stare out the window.

Baby, how did we get here? I can’t even see you in this woman that’s sitting beside me.

~~~~~~~~~~

May 15, 2008 2:38 PM

Keeping with the whole affair

Every word seems out of line

The radio droned on but Spike wasn’t paying attention as he stared at the road in front of him. They hadn’t spoken a word to each other since they left the clinic. The silence was uncomfortable and he didn’t know how to break it. He wanted to talk to her even if it was for a polite conversation about the weather. Or they could talk about the four children they had between them or even the dog. There were a thousand subjects they could catch up on or hash out but neither opened their mouths. So, he continued to drive without saying anything or even glancing at her.

A favorite memory tickled at his nose.

Surprised, Spike whipped his head around to stare at Buffy. She stared steadfast out the window and refused to acknowledge him. The only indication she wasn’t a mannequin was the slight fidget of her hips causing another wave to assault him.

Bloody hell, she’s horny…is it for me? Was it the fight? Or is it because she’s been without for so long?

“Watch out,” Buffy yelped, grabbing his arm.

“Oh, bollocks,” Spike said, when he looked up and found the truck had slipped onto the shoulder of the road. He quickly turned the wheel so they were back on asphalt again. “Sorry.”

“That’s okay,” Buffy said, laughter lilting along her words.

Her fingers slipped from his arm, hovering for a second before Buffy ghosted them along his flesh. Suddenly it didn’t matter why she was because he was too. One touch of her hand and he was becoming hard.

“Everyone is at the house.”

“Oh.”

There was disappointment in her tone as she turned to stare out the window again. Spike tried to convince himself it was better this way. They needed to talk and make decisions about their lives before they even thought about sex. He rolled the window down a crack but it seemed to make her scent stronger as the wind blew it throughout the truck. The exit leading to Baker Woods was only a couple of minutes away and he warred with himself in those one-hundred-and-twenty seconds.

Come on, mate, she’s still your wife, your mate and she’s hot, really hot from the smell. Give in…no, need to be all proper about this. Go home, have the party, then you two can have the ‘where the hell do we go from here’ conversation and decide your lives…

The tires squealed as he took the exit at the last second. He glanced at Buffy but she didn’t say anything. One last time was all he could think of. What if that night they did decide to break up? Would he never touch her again? And he was reluctant to admit that underneath his supposed noble intentions his throbbing cock was making his choice. Get laid now.

The truck was stopped on a small dirt road deep in the woods. For a second they both sat there and knowing he needed to be the one to speak, Spike searched for the words he needed.

“I…I’m not making promises or agreeing to anything by this,” Spike said, staring out the windshield. “Or am I reading you wrong or…no, I know I’m not but…Buffy why?”

“For the same reasons I’ve always wanted you.”

Spike watched as she slipped her sandals off and crawled into the back.

What are we doing? We haven’t seen each in weeks. We were fighting less than an hour ago. Not that it’s a first time for that…or even unusual for us…it’s us.

A tiny something let go somewhere in Spike’s heart as he joined Buffy in the back seat. They didn’t even look at each other as she pulled her skirt up and he pulled his shirt off. It was awkward as he reached for her; not knowing how to touch her anymore. Buffy slid down onto the seat and his hands reached to pull her panties off but she stopped him by putting her hands on his.

“There’s something else,” Buffy whispered, staring at a spot over his shoulder. A hand waved over her pubic area. “I haven’t…there didn’t seem to be any need and…”

His fingers hooked into the elastic as her hips lifted to aid him in their removal. It was after he dropped them on the floor that he looked up and gazed upon an untrimmed Buffy. Something else that wasn’t familiar and he ran his fingers through the brown curls that covered her cunt. Deciding it didn’t matter Spike laid on top of her. He wasn’t going to stop now. Their kiss was clumsy, taking a few starts, nervous laughter and head tilting to find their way back. They began to touch each other, automatically reaching and caressing places that were known to elicit responses. Spike began to lose himself in the act they were committing and as long as he didn’t look into the face of the stranger he was all right.

Keep your eyes closed and feel. Feel the way she’s kissing you, it’s your Buffy, feel her hands grabbing your ass, it’s her, your girl…

“Oh, God, William,” Buffy moaned wrapping a leg around his hip.

Why aren’t I Spike to you anymore? Don’t you love me anymore?

The lies and pep talks weren’t working anymore. His heart didn’t want this anymore but his body did. His body responded to her like it always did; a runaway train or a fire in dry grass. Buffy reached between them and he rose up to allow her to undo his jeans. His cock eager for her touch bounded out of its confines and she welcomed it with her tiny hands. They stroked him, fingers wrapping around and pumping him. He wanted to cry for the familiarity and the strangeness of her touch.

Needing to be a part of this, to find something that would make this okay, his hands skimmed over her body. Her breasts were heavy and overflowed his hand.

“Don’t squeeze too much,” Buffy said. “It’s almost time to…”

Pump them.

He left her breasts alone, bound in their serviceable nursing bra and moved to her hips. They were soft and pliant as he squeezed them. He wished they were some place where he could strip her and explore at his leisure to find all the places that he knew. To find his girl in this woman’s body. His fingers skimmed over her secret place, over the unfamiliar hair covering it, returned to separate into the heat of her folds. A rush of her desire waved over fingers inserted into her.

You’re still so hot. So wet. Please, let it be me that makes you this way.

Buffy pulled him on top of her again, kissed him as he reached between them. His cock needed no encouragement as it found its way home inside of her. If it could speak, it would be screaming its joy for anyone to hear; I’m home…I’m where I belong…don’t ever let me go. Spike thrust deep inside of her, pulled out and thrust again.

She’s not as tight as she used to be. Why do I have to look for the bad things? Because you’re scared she’s finally realized the past six years have been a mistake. That this time when you go to look for her she’ll be gone…like she was two months ago.

Losing himself in the sensations rallying through his body, Spike settled into a punishing rhythm that had Buffy hands against the door to keep her head from banging into it. It was almost mechanical as his mind chronicled everything that was going on; the feel of her sucking him in, the truck rocking back and forth, the sound of their flesh meeting, the squeaking of the leather as they slid on it, a bird screaming as it flew overhead.

Just get both of you off and it’ll be over with.

He only concentrated on what his cock was feeling until Buffy cried out in pain. He stopped to look down at her.

“You okay?” Spike asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Buffy said. “I’m just a little more tender than I thought I’d be.”

She’d given birth two months ago and he hadn’t even asked if she was healed. He hadn’t even given her any consideration.

“Don’t,” Buffy whispered, cupping his cheek. “Like I said I’m fine and if we could just go a little slower it would be great.”

Spike nodded. Without breaking contact with her eyes, he started to rock and grind his hips against her, and the glaze of desire in green depths let him know this was what she needed. He stopped thinking about what he needed and started thinking about the woman beneath him. Buffy started to make those little noises she did and he watched the pleasure as it played out across her features. She came, shuddering, her mouth that little ‘o’, her eyes half closed and he grinned at her usual routine of orgasmic bliss. The joy at finding a link to what he knew sent him over the edge and he released himself deep inside of her.

“Oh my god, oh my god, get off me, oh my god,” Buffy stammered and cried, pushing at his shoulders. “What the hell have we done?”

We fucked.

Confused and uncertain, Spike retreated to the other side of the truck. Buffy covered her mouth with her hand as she scrambled out of the truck.

What the bleedin’ hell is wrong? She started this. I’m a mistake again.

The sound of her retching reached him and he rushed to find out what was wrong. Automatically he went to hold her hair back but there was nothing there. His hands fell futilely to his sides.

“Buffy, what’s wrong?”

“We didn’t use birth control.”

Oh, balls. We could be trapped.

Spike hated himself for the thought and he patted her on the back as she finished emptying her stomach. He knew it was the wrong time, the wrong situation, they’d just had one baby but would it be the end of the world? And as she straightened up, he knew for her it would be. All the terror and pain of her pregnancy was visible on her face. She reminded him of humans he’d tortured in the old days. The ones he forced to their breaking points just so he could see the look that now adorned his wife’s countenance. He pulled her against him and murmured nonsensical words that wouldn’t alleviate her emotions. Buffy’s tears soaked through his t-shirt and there surrounded by the sounds of her sobbing and the smell of sex and vomit Spike saw how far into hell she’d truly traversed.

~~~~~~~~~

May 15, 2008 3:45 PM

No matter what angle you get

It’s polished till it shines

Spike slipped through the door Buffy had left ajar for him. She was carefully reapplying makeup as she stared into the mirror. Her eyes flickered to him and he held out the toothbrush, toothpaste and a bottle of water he’d gotten for her.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Spike said, leaning against the wall and opening his bottle of soda. The store’s bathroom smelled of heavy antiseptic soap and had things written on the walls that made even him think twice.

“Did you get stuff for later?” Buffy asked spitting toothpaste into the sink. At his quizzical expression she pointed at the condom machine on the wall.

Oh. She wants to do it again. After all that she wants to fuck again…

“It was the lack of birth control that got me upset.”

Maybe it was just sex after all. Maybe it wasn’t me that she wanted.

His mind remembered something else that he’d buried and having found its moment returned screaming at him.

“Did you ever want Dagon?”

Buffy grabbed her purse and threw everything into it. She stalked past him, stopped and looked back.

“If I have to answer that question than I don’t know if there’s even anyway for us to start over,” Buffy said. “But just so we’re clear; no, being raped doesn’t turn me on.” The door slammed shut in her wake.

Oh my god, I asked that out loud. Stupid ponce. Did she say raped?

Spike barely made it to the toilet as the bile rose in his throat. Even if it wasn’t her body she felt everything that motherfucker did. He had been told by the therapists, by Dawn, by Kate and he hadn’t let it sink in. He hadn’t let it past his barriers and now it was a murderous rage that left him shaking.

What have I done to her?

“It wasn’t your fault,” Buffy said, handing him the toothbrush.

She’d slipped back in when he’d been sick. His hand was trembling as he took the proffered item.

All he’d been concerned about was what she’d done to him and their children. His fury at Elijah and the baby being in danger had consumed him to the point where he couldn’t see what had happened to Buffy. He’d needed someone to blame besides himself and she’d been the easy target. Now, he wished they’d left Dagon alive so that he could fully vent everything he was feeling.

Spike wiped his mouth with a paper towel as he chucked the brush into the trash.

“It wasn’t yours either.”

Buffy, startled by his statement, turned wide eyes to him. She stared in wonder for a moment then the veil dropped again. She wasn’t ready to trust him or declarations made in moments of intense emotions. There was still so much for them to talk about.

“I’ll meet you in the truck,” Buffy said, leaving him alone again.

Spike pulled around to the front of the store to wait for her. The door opened and he watched as she slipped a box of condoms into her purse. She threw the bag away and climbed in beside him. Somehow in spite of everything she still wanted him. She just didn’t want another pregnancy and he could live with that for now.

Does that mean I want her to stay; that I want to try again?

It was still too complicated, too fragile, to think that far ahead and they made the rest of the trip home in silence. Buffy met him at the back of the truck to grab one of her bags.

“Go on,” Spike said, waving her off. “They’re waiting for you.”

The front door of the house opened and their children came running out.

“Mummy, Mummy,” Elijah screamed.

Buffy met him halfway across the yard, picked him up and swung him around. Raven and Sean threw their arms around her and his family was back together.

~~~~~~~~~

May 15, 2008 6:48 PM

And when you say who the hell am I living with?

What just went down?

It was tiring to be surrounded by so many happy people when all he wanted was to examine his feelings. Whatever connection or truce he and Buffy had made this afternoon was fading into a memory amongst the chaos that reigned in their house. No one was going away soon. Angel had commandeered his chair and was watching some old horror flick on television. Max, Xander and Anya were cleaning the kitchen from the impromptu dinner of Mexican fare. The young people were having a resounding game of cards in the dining room while the children played with Tara and Willow in the living room. There was more roaming the house but he’d lost track of them.

Spike looked up as someone moved in the hallway. It was Buffy starting up the stairs. She looked at him and crooked her finger so he’d follow her. He did. The hallway was empty on the second floor and he glanced at the stairs leading to the attic wondering if that was where she’d gone. Before he could take a step the bathroom door opened and her hand reached out to pull him in. The door was closed and he was pushed against it. His hand reached for the light switch.

“Leave it off,” Buffy said, undoing his belt.

He closed his eyes as his jeans were undone and he moaned as her mouth closed over his still soft cock. She teased at it while her hands ran along his thighs, around to cup his ass, squeezing into his flesh. He was now ready and rock hard for her to do with as she wished. Buffy cupped his balls, rolling them gently in her fingers as she licked along his length. Her tongue circled the tip before she engulfed him again.

Oh bloody hell…

His knees buckled and his hand clutched at the door trying to stay standing as Buffy sucked him with what seemed like every muscle in her mouth. She switched to slow, steady licks along the underneath before scraping her teeth down him. His hand reached for her hair, encountered the stranger again when there were barely enough locks to wrap around his fingers.

Can’t ride my pony no more…

Spike’s hand held the back of her head as he thrust into that heat. She took it, swallowing him down, lapping at him, never asked for mercy when he went deeper and stronger. He waited for her to ask him to stop and she wouldn’t do it. She took his punishment and swallowed every drop that he poured into her.

What other punishment would you take if I asked you to? Whips? Paddles? Another two months of lonely nights and empty arms?

Buffy was so close to him as she put him away and fastened his jeans. She kissed him along his jaw as he stood there and did nothing. He didn’t understand what was happening between them and before he could ask, she was gone.

“Why?” Spike asked. “I asked you earlier and you just said the same reason as always but there’s more.”

There was only silence and he slipped into game face so he could see her in the dark. Buffy was sitting on the edge of the tub and he went to sit next to her.

“I know that sex is something you’ve always loved between us,” Buffy said. “I’m hoping that if there is at least one reminder then you’ll remember others.”

“You’re giving me sex hoping that it’ll remind me that I love you.”

“You said you hated me.”

Spike sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Well, yeah, I did and at the time I did but it’s not like it was the first time. What I mean, Buffy, is that I’ve loved you and on occasion I’ve hated you, I’ve wanted you, been jealous of you; there’s not a lot of things I haven’t felt for you at one time or another. It’s like its all part of the package, sometimes it’s got pretty wrappings and bows and others times its like it was wrapped from a newspaper out of the garbage. But it never stays just one or the other. You know what I mean?”

Buffy smiled and nodded. “Do you still love me?”

Yes. No. Neither answer is right and neither is wrong.

“I’m so confused,” Spike said. “I’ll always love you but I don’t know if I trust you or even want to be in love with you anymore.”

Buffy didn’t cry or scream or even rant. She sat quietly beside him as she wrung her hands and breathed in and out as if she was counting the beats. He waited. She was working up to something and he was ready to hear.

“I’m sorry for what I did,” Buffy said. ”My head was so messed up, filled with all the things Drusilla was telling me and showing me. He wanted our baby and I never, never intended for him to have her. I thought I could handle it without anyone getting hurt this time; no Giles being skewered, no Tara going crazy, no one else dying because of me but as usual I only made it worse.”

It was seven months, Buffy; couldn’t you see what was happening? To you? To us? To everyone around you? Why do you always feel like you’re in this alone?

Buffy kissed his cheek and stood. “You once asked me if I could love all that you were and now I guess I’m asking you the same. I’m not going to give up on us and I’ll be around when you know for sure. You’re worth the wait.”

Am I?

~~~~~~~~

March 15, 2008 9:53 PM

Where did this come from?

Why are all my colors faded brown?

When did it change?

What’s with the rage?

There was no way to avoid the ‘conversation’ anymore. The buffer of their family was gone. The children were asleep. It was down to her and him. Slowly he climbed the stairs wishing they would go on forever so he didn’t have to go through with this. Anything was better than dealing with the myriad emotions that danced below the raging pain.

Spike stepped into their attic room, and wonder danced in his heart at the sight before him.

Buffy was holding their baby to her breast.

I will never complain about that damn bra again. Not if this is what I can look at.

“Come on, honey, I know I’m not who you’re used to holding you when you wake up,” Buffy said, both love and panic lacing her words. “You didn’t mind me doing this when Auntie Tara and Kate were here helping us.”

Journey refused to latch onto the nipple that Buffy was brushing against her cheek. The little one kept fussing making matching tears fall from Buffy’s eyes. She glanced up at him, frustration marring her face and he hurried to their side. Sitting on the couch, Spike took their baby in his arms.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Spike cooed, rocking his daughter in the way that soothed her. “No crying allowed. Are you hungry?”

“Maybe you should just give her a bottle.”

Don’t give up, Buffy, she needs you.

“Face me,” Spike instructed, turning toward Buffy. “It’s going to be okay.” He scooted closer to his wife until Journey was against her breast again. His fingers guided his daughter to the nourishment she needed. “Take it. It’s really good. I’ve kind of always liked it myself.” This time Journey started to feed. “Hold her, Buffy.”

Once Buffy was cuddling their baby, Spike pulled his shirt off, and wrapped it around Journey.

“Kate said smells are really important. Maybe if…”

“If she has your scent then she’ll accept me.”

“Yeah,” Spike said, going to the window and leaned against it.

“Thank you,” Buffy said. “I know it was for her but thank you.”

Spike didn’t reply. It wasn’t just for Journey. It was for them both. They needed each other. And contrary to any promises made before if he and Buffy broke up the kids and the house would be his. She wouldn’t be able to handle it alone. Not right now. She would be soon but not now.

His mind wandered back to a conversation between him and Giles.

Spike had gone to see Giles in an attempt to clear the chaos from his mind. Someone who knew Buffy almost as well as he did. He had to know. He had to figure something out before it was too late.

“Spike,” Giles said, his arm around his shoulders. “I’m going to tell you the same thing I told her once very long ago. To forgive is an act of compassion. It’s not done because people deserve it. It’s done because they need it.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“You will if you want to keep your family together. You will if you want her back. There is no other way.”

“How do I?”

“Just decide that having her is more important than the anger you’re holding onto.”

The best thing for everyone was if he and Buffy stayed together. Sean and Raven were already counting on it. Elijah hadn’t cried all night with his Mummy home. He would be a right bastard to send her away. Their family needed for them to find a way to make it work. Buffy was willing, more than willing and everything hung on his decision.

Can I trust you? Can I love you even though you’re no longer on the pedestal I kept you on for so long? Can I love the woman you’ve become?

The first step to finding out the answers was for him to forgive her. He sat across from her again, marveling at the tiny infant drinking from Buffy’s breast. He watched the peace on his wife’s face as she participated in a ritual as old as time.

“I forgive you.”

The words came as quickly as he made the decision and he only hoped that she would understand. Her eyes searched his face and he wanted to say the other words she needed but he couldn’t.

“Thank you,” Buffy whispered. She seemed about ready to say something else but stopped, returning her gaze to their child. Her fingers drifted over Journey’s soft cheek.

“Do you forgive me?”

For not listening, for screaming at you, for not understanding your pain, do you forgive me for letting you down?

“I did a long time ago,” Buffy said, taking his hand.

They had taken the first step…together.

~~~~~~~~

March 15, 2008 11:51 PM

Who’s the dude with the extra roll?

What’s the verse, the line, the chapter, the page?

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Buffy said, lying back on the table in their small kitchenette. “Is this some fetish you’ve never told me about?”

“No,” Spike said, glancing up from where he was arranging things. “You said it needed to be done and I volunteered.”

“You never have before.”

I never needed to find my girl before.

“Open up,” Spike said, his hands resting on her knees, “can’t do it unless you spread your legs.”

“It’s embarrassing,” Buffy said, keeping her legs firmly together. “I know its stupid considering all the things we’ve done but it’s never been so clinical before…”

He tickled the back of her knees. “Be a good girl for Dr. Spike and he’ll give you a lollipop when we’re done.”

What the hell was that? Playing? We’re supposed to be talking, being serious, deciding our lives and you’re playing doctor.

“No,” Buffy said, shaking her head and giggling. “I already had a lollipop today.”

Spike rested his chin on her knees, staring soulfully into her eyes, “Please, don’t you trust me?”

Of all the stupid, lamebrain questions to ask, you had to ask that one.

Her legs fell open, spreading to reveal her to him, “Yes, I trust you.”

I don’t believe you.

It was a ghastly thought but it was true. If she had then she would have come to him. She would have told him everything. He wondered if he’d ever know everything or if he’d ever understand why. His fingers spread the shaving cream over her labia as Buffy stared at him.

“It was me that I didn’t trust,” Buffy said.

That I believe.

“It doesn’t make sense,” Spike said, pulling the razor across her flesh. He sighed. “I don’t understand why you couldn’t tell me. I’d die for you and you couldn’t yell help.”

“I don’t want you to die for me,” Buffy whispered. “I want you to live for me.”

“And all I wanted was you.”

“I didn’t go anywhere…”

“Yes, you did,” Spike bit out, pulling away from her; afraid of accidentally hurting her. “You were gone and I don’t understand why. I don’t know if I can ever trust you again.”

“I can tell you everything, every moment of the entire time but it won’t erase it. I can tell you every reason why I thought it was necessary not to tell you but you’ll only see it as I didn’t trust you.”

Because you didn’t.

Spike returned to shaving her, concentrating on the cold metal as it took away the hair neither of them was used to. Buffy lay perfectly still, her eyes closed, letting him close to her…trusting him not to cut her. Trusting him with her heart, trusting him with their children and all of their futures, trusting him to make her dreams come true, trusting him to come back to her; and he understood that there were a thousand ways that she did trust him.

Maybe it wasn’t because she didn’t trust you. Maybe it was because she was terrified, confused and doing the best she could.

And that made him even more of an ass than he thought. It was easier to blame her for everything that went wrong than accept the truth. Easier than accepting his fair share of the blame. If he’d taken care of Dagon before, if he’d taken care of Drusilla, if he’d listened to what Buffy was saying it would have turned out differently. The pregnancy might have been a joyous time that they could have shared instead of the nightmare that made Buffy terrified to ever carry another child.

Spike wiped the last of the cream away. “All done and I must say it’s quite pretty.”

“Pig,” Buffy said, sitting up and glancing down. “Not bad.” She waggled her brows at him. “Wanna take a shower with me? Give it a test drive?”

“Don’t you think we need to talk? Finish this? Make some kind of decision.”

Buffy sighed, slid off the table and pulling her robe around her. He watched as she cleaned up after their experiment and finally returned to stand in front of him. “Okay, let’s talk. Do you want details? Do you want promises that won’t be accepted because you don’t trust me? Do you want me to get on my knees and beg? Do you want to beat me up?”

“Fine be that way,” Spike snapped. “Make jokes, shag me, play with me but don’t be serious with me. I guess it doesn’t matter to you.”

“No, William, it does matter to me. It matters a lot to me but you’re digging for something that isn’t going to magically appear no matter how many times we say the same words. I want to start living again. I want us to build a new and stronger life together. And yes, I want to make love to you because that’s all it’s ever been for me. No matter what form it takes. It’s always been done in love.”

“Except when you let Drusilla in our bed,” Spike said, closing his eyes. Humiliation and shame filled him at the thought of Drusilla being with him when he didn’t even know it. It was a violation of the vows he made to Buffy the summer before and the promises that he made to her when they were first together. It was a violation of him.

Is this how she felt? Is this how I’d feel if I’d been unfaithful?

“Oh,” Buffy said, cupping his face, stroking the angled planes of his cheeks with her thumbs. “We shared thoughts and feelings but it was only me that made love to you. Your love was too powerful to let her between us. You were always the link in the chain holding us together and when you made love to me it closed everything out. Remember when you explained the ritual to me and you said that you could choose what to open up or close. You heart was a shield protecting what was sacred between mates.”

“Then how?” Spike asked, unsure of how to proceed. “How could Dagon?”

“There were times when Drusilla was completely in control and she’d switch bodies with me or she’d open the gates so that we were flowing into one. He’d see the distant look in her eyes and he’d strike.” Buffy stopped, her hands dropping to her sides, her eyes closed as revulsion crossed her face. “He…he got off on hurting us. Either one, it didn’t matter because we both belonged to you and it would hurt you to hurt us. I fought him, Will, I did…I never wanted that…” Buffy choked back a sob, leaning into him, silently begging for his comfort.

“I’m sorry,” Spike said, wrapping his arms around her. “Oh, God, Buffy, I’m so sorry…I swore I’d always protect you and I didn’t…I failed.”

“No, we have to stop this,” Buffy cried. “We have to get past this blaming, this guilt.”

I can’t stop. I just started dealing with this. You’ve had time and people to talk to...I’m always on the outside. I don’t understand any of this. I always let you go. Why can’t I hold on to you? Do I want to hold onto you?

“I’m right here,” Buffy said, squeezing him close to her. “Right here with you for as long as I can.”

No more promises of forever. They both realized that was a false dream that you could be woken from at any moment. All they had was today and she was promising him that.

And he trusted her enough to give it to him.

~~~~~~~~~

May 16, 2008 1:47 AM

You think you’re alone without any place left to go

Like you need one of those kisses long and slow

Sweet…like honey…hot…dripping on my tongue like candy.

Buffy was moaning and thrashing under the attention his tongue was giving to her newly shaven pussy. He licked her up and down, tasting every crevice and spot, letting it coat his tongue and face. He wanted to swim inside of her, to disappear forever into her cunt, to keep tasting her, it was his heaven. Her fingers wound through his hair and he took a deep breath before burying his face between her lips, his tongue snaking up inside her.

Why the hell did I do something so that I have to breathe? Just want to keep my nose in here forever.

“Please, don’t stop, almost there,” Buffy pleaded, her toes digging into his ribs. “Oh, God, Baby, it feels so good. Need you so much…only you.”

Her babbling pushed him to the edge as his hips wiggled against the sheets, stimulating his cock, simulating sex as his fingers pressed into her body, searching and pushing for that spot as his mouth latched on her clit. He sucked it into his mouth like she had with him earlier and Buffy shot up as her hand covered her mouth to stifle the scream he provoked.

Oh, yeah, still got it. I’m still the big bad…still bad to the bone. Yep, still can satisfy my lady and make her lose control.

Spike crawled up her trembling body; planting kisses along her sweat streaked flesh and settled against her still pulsating sex. He nuzzled her throat, nipping along while rubbing himself along her slit.

“Stop, Will,” Buffy gasped. “I can get preg…”

“Sorry,” Spike responded, rolling off of her and onto his back with an arm flung over his face. How did he go from being the best lover to dunce in the space of a minute? Buffy’s hand crept across his chest but he ignored it, ignored her sigh until he heard her sitting up. He looked out to see her getting out of the bed. He grabbed her shoulder. “Don’t go. I…don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

His hand cupped the back of her neck and pulled Buffy down. She sprawled across his torso with her arm lying across his thighs. His hand had never left her and moved up into her hair as she settled on him. The short locks were caressed and dangled through fingers before his hand drifted along the neck no longer hidden behind her long hair. He spread his hand out along her upper back as he explored her.

“Is it so bad?” Buffy asked as his hand returned to her hair.

“No, not really, it’s just different but it could have its benefits.” She shivered as his fingers tickled the back of her neck. “So, do you have those things?”

“Yeah.”

Sometime during the day she must have put the condoms into the nightstand. She pulled one out and handed it to him.

What am I supposed to do with this thing?

“Want me to?” Buffy asked.

Spike nodded and he watched as she sheathed his cock in the condom.

Why the hell do blokes wear these things? I look ridiculous and it’s uncomfortable.

Buffy laughed and he looked up from where he’d been staring at it.

“Is it that bad?”

“Yeah, it is,” Spike said, glancing up at her. Something shifted in her eyes and he went to cover. “I’ll get used to it. Don’t how the hell I’m supposed to feel anything with it all covered up?”

“If you’d like,” Buffy said, shifting onto her stomach and raising her ass just a bit. “We can do it this way.”

It was impulse. He smacked her ass. She yelped and rolled onto her back. The look on her face was priceless as she stared at him.

That was good, go and piss her off. See if you get any now.

Buffy pounced, straddling him while her finger poked into his chest. “You are mean and evil and a…”

“And a what?” Spike asked, flipping them. His fingers danced along her ribs while she giggled uncontrollably beneath him. Her hands beat along his arms but he ignored her protests, digging into her waist.

“Stop, please stop,” Buffy pleaded, laughing as she twisted trying to get away. “Please, don’t, god, stop, Spike stop it.”

She called me Spike.

They both stopped, staring at each other, accepting that she had reverted to his nickname again. Spike stared into her eyes, waiting, something telling him that this slip was momentous in some way. It was. He saw a wall break inside of her, the dust flaring in the shifting shade of her eyes, her hands running over his body like she needed to remind herself that he was alive.

“Spike, Spike, my Spike,” Buffy chanted, each utterance of his name punctuated by a kiss to his flesh, to his lips. Her hands clutched at him, pushing him onto his back, sinking onto his length. “Spike, Spike, I was so scared that you didn’t want me. Spike, I love you, Spike, I tired to pretend you were someone else. Not my Spike, not my heart, not my lover.”

Spike met each rise and fall of her hips, grinding against him, accepting him home. The last of her walls broke as he watched in wonder. The unfamiliar cloaked them while they tried to hide but this was them. This was her soul completely bared before him. She held nothing back. The bed rocked and squeaked giving accompaniment to the power of the music they made as he met her with his heart wide open. They were two forces of nature colliding as they found each other again. Beneath the surface changes they found that their hearts and souls were still the same as they came undone in each other’s arms.

~~~~~~~~

May 16, 2008 8:42 AM

First glance is not what it seems

But there’s some things I just know

Like you take two sugars with a splash of cream

Buffy was singing. “The bough breaks and down will come baby cradle and all.”

Smiling, Spike stumbled into the kitchen, looking first for his wife and baby. They were sitting at the table Journey nestled in his wife’s arms.

“Look, there’s Daddy,” Buffy cooed. “He finally woke up.”

Spike laughed, turning to look around the kitchen for the rest of his family. Del was making eggs at the stove while Raven and Sean were getting juice and toast. Elijah sat at the table next to Buffy. He picked his son up and put him on his lap.

“Good morning,” Spike said, hugging Eli, making him laugh. He turned to Buffy, leaning over to kiss her cheek as his fingers tickled Journey’s stomach. “Good morning to you bitsy. Mummy get you fed and stuff.”

“Spike,” Buffy said. “Do you think I’m not capable of taking care of our baby?”

God, you’re beautiful.

“You should have seen her with the diaper,” Raven said, sitting across from her parents. “It was hilarious.”

“Do you have to tell on Mum?” Sean complained, smacking Raven in the back of her head before sitting at the head of the table.

It would seem like pettiness and bitching if everyone wasn’t grinning. Spike sat back, rubbing his son’s back as Eli ate his breakfast. There was no tension anywhere in the room except maybe from Candy whining to go out. Del laid a plate of scrambled eggs on the table and went to let her out.

Thank god, if I had to step in piddle one more time, that animal would have been a snack.

“Hey, so what are doing this summer?” Raven asked, loading her plate with food. “I was thinking maybe we could go to the beach on vacation. Connor said he’d take over patrolling so I could leave town.”

“No, beach,” Sean said, pulling the platter toward him. “I say we go to Colorado.”

“Disney,” Elijah said, leaning back against his father. “I wanna go to Disney.”

“We already did that,” Raven said. “If not the beach, how about we go to Mexico?”

“Do you have to be so frivolous?” Sean asked, casting a dirty look at his sister.

“Oh, like the mountains is some great intellectual retreat.”

“Hey, shush, you two,” Del said, taking a seat. “Your Mum has Journey now. You have to go somewhere that she can be comfortable.”

Spike glanced at Buffy but her eyes remained downcast refusing to look at him. They had broken barriers down last night but he still hadn’t said if he still wanted her in his life. She wasn’t sure if she would be around to go on vacation with them.

Oh, Baby, don’t you know how much I love you? How much I need you?

Spike reached over and tucked a small curl behind her ear. He smiled at her when she bravely looked up at him but there was still uncertainty in her eyes.

“Del’s right,” Spike said. “Give me proposals on where everyone wants to go and your Mum and I will go through them. After we decide we’ll let you know.”

His proclamation seemed to go unheard from the children as they continued to argue on where they wanted to go. Spike didn’t hear them as Buffy gazed at him with happiness shining from her eyes for the first time in months.

“Come here, wench,” Spike said, pulling her to him, kissed her and then whispered against her ear. “I love you. Stay with me forever.”

“No where else I want to be,” Buffy sighed. “Hey,” she turned to face the children upon hearing Raven’s latest idea. “I am not taking Journey on a camping trip into the Grand Canyon. Can we just go some place that we can relax and be comfortable?”

“Well, that leaves out everyplace that will be fun,” Raven complained, resting her chin in her hand.

“Well, Cordelia did rent that huge house on the beach…” Buffy said.

Yep, we’re together again.

Spike sat back and watched as his family playfully argued about where they were going to go on vacation. It was real and they were in it together.

For better or worse till the end of time.

~~The End~~

**Song lyrics are ‘The Back of Your Hand’ by Dwight Yoakum

Author’s Note: Do you still have unanswered questions about the Baby universe? Questions like: Do Raven and Connor ever get together or does their love fade as first love often does? Does Cordelia win back Angel’s heart? Does Max ever find love and someplace to live besides the Blood’s couch? Is there any freaking way that Buffy and Spike could have a little romance and adventure without the heart wrenching angst in just one of these stories? If so then keep an eye out for Down Comes Baby; the fourth installment in the Baby series.