Chapter 17

The first thing she noticed when she woke up was a hard body pressed against her back. Memories of the previous night flooded her mind. Buffy felt torn, she didn’t know whether she should feel relieved or distressed after revealing her life story to Spike. She was scared that someone now knew about her past. It had been something she had vowed to keep to herself.

Buffy looked down and smiled when she saw Spike’s arm resting around her waist. She felt somewhat comforted; at least he seemed to care about her. It was hard for her to admit that to herself, but why would he have stayed with her last night if he didn’t care for her? She glanced over her shoulder to look at him, assuming that he was still sleeping. His platinum-blond hair was ruffled, his facial features relaxed, giving him an almost boyish appearance.

Spike, contrary to Buffy’s thoughts, was indeed awake. He smiled when he felt her settle herself deeper in his embrace. He was grateful that she at least felt somewhat comfortable being around him. He wanted to hold her forever and tell her how he loved her, that everything would be ok. Spike tried to pinpoint in his mind the exact moment he fell in love with Buffy, but realized it was too impossible a task. It seemed that he had felt this way about her forever. Maybe it was her flirty teasing or her wit. Maybe it was because she could fight well…or maybe it was just because she was “the one.” He felt her stir in his arms and watched as she got up out of the bed and headed down the stairs.

“Leaving me so soon, luv?” he mumbled.

Buffy looked back and smiled at him. “I’ll be back. I have to get rid of my dragon breath first.” Spike stayed in bed, content, waiting for her return.

Buffy came back to the bedroom, minty-fresh. She climbed into the comfy bed with Spike, and to his surprise, snuggled back up against him. She moved her feet until she found his feet. She wiggled in his arms while strategically worming her feet in between his. She sensed his gaze on her and looked up at him.

“My feet are cold,” she explained. “When Dawn and I lived together she would cuddle with me and put her cold feet in between mine. We called it a ‘sandwich’.” Buffy looked away from his penetrating stare. Spike just smiled down at her warmly, finding the act very comforting.

Buffy had to think about something to say before Spike opened his mouth first and bring up any of the events from last night.

“So, now that you’re able to write a book about my life, what about you?” she asked. “It’s only fair that I know your story as well.”

“That’s a loaded question, luv,” he replied, sighing.

Buffy raised an eyebrow at him. “Spike, think about my life. If you don’t call that loaded then I don’t know what it is.”

“Well,” Spike started, “I was born in England. My mum, Cordelia was American while my dad was English. They met while my mum was in England running a fashion show for her new fall line. Wesley, my dad, was a stockbroker interested in investing in Mum’s company. Needless to say they hit it off smashingly. I have a sister who is nineteen. Her name is Drusilla. She was the one who called me before you went out on your little excursion at the bar.”

Buffy blushed. She felt so stupid now. Dru was only his sister, not some girlfriend.

“When I was sixteen my dad was shot and killed. He found out that a fellow firm was knee-deep in fraud. Before he could alert the authorities he was shot in the head. Giles took over the murder case and solved it. That’s when I decided to become an agent. I wanted to spare people the pain my family and I went through when my dad was shot. My mum was devastated and went into a deep state of depression. For quite awhile, she was like a shell - she went about her daily routine, but there was nothing inside her. She didn’t feel anything. I had to take care of Dru everyday. It’s not like I had anything better to do. My social life wasn’t so big, due to my awful poetry. Dru was born with severe manic depression, so someone had to take care of her. Medicine wasn’t enough. I took care of her like she was my own. I didn’t have a lot of friends, except for Oz maybe, so for quite a while all I had was Dru.

“When my mum came out of her depressive state she slowly started dating other guys. Dru and I were really happy for her. She’s launched a new branch of her fashion company. I didn’t have to stay around Dru as much, because mum was there to take care of her. Before I went to school to become an agent, I set off on my own. I traveled and saw all of the destruction and hate in the world. My personality hardened and I became someone different. I wasn’t William anymore like in my youth. I didn’t wear glasses or write poetry. I just repressed my past. When I was younger, I had always blamed my father for turning me into such a geek. I despised him because I thought he had made me that way. Once he was gone all the hate just seemed to go away. I realized that it wasn’t his fault I was a social outcast. I could be whoever I wanted to be. That’s why I changed my look and my name. I figured I could put more distance between myself and other people if I made myself different from everyone else. I thought maybe I would stop hating myself for blaming my father for something that was not his fault. I felt guilty I had never really gotten to know him. Finally, I got to the point where I didn’t want to feel anything. I just wanted to become an agent and live in the job.”

“I guess that makes two of us,” Buffy surmised.

“That works out nicely then,” Spike replied.

They looked at each other and their eyes locked. They held each other’s gaze for a few moments until Buffy became uncomfortable and looked away. Spike lifted her chin up gently with his hand until they initiated eye contact again. They leaned in at the same time. Both of their mouths met. Their lips brushed together, playing and nipping at one another. Spike brought his hand up to the back of Buffy’s head. His tongue waited patiently seeking entrance. When it was granted, Spike explored every point of Buffy’s mouth, memorizing it. Buffy moaned and cuddled closer to him. Her hands lay on his side and shoulder. She moaned into his mouth, which made shivers run down Spike’s spine in excitement. When they broke apart, both were too breathless to say anything.

Chapter 18

Spike leaned back in and initiated another kiss. This one was rough, full of certainty and passion unlike the one before. They both clung to each other, trying to get closer. Just as Buffy was starting to relax into him she felt Spike’s erection through his pants. She pulled away. Spiked looked at her to see her worrying her bottom lip, swollen from their kissing. He groaned inwardly, it was one of the sexiest things he had ever seen.

“Maybe we should stop for now,” Buffy suggested. She pulled out of his embrace and sat up.

Spike started to sit up as well, but the bulge that had formed in his pants wasn’t going to make it easy.

He found her eyes. “I think you have a good idea, pet.” They both hoped out of bed, reluctantly, to start their day.

She sighed happily as she stepped into the shower. Buffy had been sure she would never have another boyfriend. She had figured that she would spend the rest of her life alone. She wasn’t really sure where this thing with Spike was going, but she refused to analyze it right now. All that mattered was that she was no longer alone. She felt like she didn’t have a care in the world. ‘Maybe I am attainable,’ she thought.

Spike on the other hand, was barely able to stand. He had let Buffy take a shower first, but his erection wouldn’t let up. He took several deep, calming breaths, but that didn’t seem to be working. All he wanted was to take a long, cold shower. Was that too much to ask? He wasn’t mad at Buffy for asking him to stop. He just felt lucky that she let him kiss her. They did have the rest of their lives, after all.

An hour later Buffy had done her hair and makeup. She was ready for the day. As she walked past the bathroom she heard the water running. She wondered what was taking Spike so long. He had been in there for the last 45 minutes. She shrugged and went to make herself breakfast.

“What’s on the agenda today?” Spike asked as he sat down beside Buffy to eat some cereal.

Buffy swallowed the bite in her mouth and answered, “Well, today we are supposed to meet up with Anya, Willow, and Oz to catch them up. We still have eight days until we meet Santiago. All of our paper work is caught up so we can do what ever we want.”

“Whatever we want, luv?” Spike waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Buffy punched him on the shoulder.

“Ow!” he exclaimed.

“Well,” she said, “You can try to do whatever you want, but just remember I can still beat you up.”

~*~*~*~*~

Buffy smiled when her eyes caught Oz and Willow on the beach.

She waved. “Hey guys!”

“Hi!” greeted Willow cheerfully. “Look what Oz got me.” She held up a Pez dispenser.

”It’s a Pez wizard ‘cause Oz says I’m a wizard on the computer.” Oz just smiled and shrugged.

“That’s great, Will! You could be like the Wizard and Oz.,” joked Buffy.

“Hello Red,” greeted Spike.

“So have you guys heard anything about the case?” asked Buffy.

“Yup,” Willow said. “Oz filled me in. He’s been at the office since he flew in yesterday and gave me the whole story.”

“Are you guys ready to get him?” asked Oz.

“Yeah… living undercover is kinda getting to me,” explained Buffy.

Spike gasped. “You don’t like being my wife!”

Buffy rolled her eyes. She and Spike sat down next to Willow and Oz. Willow smiled when she realized the two were holding hands.

“How are things going with you and Spike?” Willow leaned over and whispered. Spike and Oz were deep in discussion and weren’t paying the girls any mind.

“He’s a really nice guy, Will. I told him about… you know.”

“Really! How’d he react?”

“He’s was totally cool about it. He even helped me work some stuff out just by letting me talk about it.”

“I told you so,” Willow sing-songed.

Meanwhile Oz and Spike were having a conversation of their own.

“So is Buffy still beating you up?” asked Oz in his usual quiet tone.

Spike smirked, “Not so much. She’s one hell of a partner.”

“She the one?” asked Oz when he saw the familiar look in Spike’s eyes. It was the same look he got when he thought about Willow.

“She’s the one,” concluded Spike.

They sat there in silence, both content.

After lunch, a few hours later, Willow, Oz, Buffy and Spike had to part ways.

“Who are you seeing next?” asked Oz.

“We’re going to find Anya at her job. I don’t know where it is but Spike says he knows where to find it.”

Willow looked at Spike with mirth in her eyes. “Have fun!”

“Don’t worry,” Spike replied. “I’m sure Buffy will love it.” Even Oz laughed at that.

Buffy was left bewildered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you sure you know where you saw Anya cause we’ve walked about ten miles,” complained Buffy.

Spike snorted. “More like ten minutes, and yes, I’m positive it was Anya.”

Buffy looked up at the tacky florescent sign in shock.

“Well, come on then,” Spike smirked.

“There is no way in hell I’m going in there,” proclaimed Buffy.

“Fine I’ll just go in without any supervision… except for Anya’s,” said Spike as he entered the shop.

“Oh no you don’t!” Buffy walked in after him.

Outside the sign read: The Magic Box, Make All of Your Sexual Fantasies Cum True.

Buffy crinkled her nose as she walked inside. All the walls of the shop were filled with sex toys; most which Buffy had never seen before, much less knew how they were used. Spike didn’t pay any attention to the “décor.” He could care less; he knew what games some people played while having sex. Hell, he’d used about half of the products the shop carried.

Anya turned around. “Welcome to the Magic Box,” she started. “Are you ready to make all of your s-,” Buffy slapped her hand over Anya’s mouth.

“Don’t finish that sentence,” she warned. Spike stood behind her trying not to laugh. She obviously wasn’t as comfortable with her sexual nature as he was with his. But who could blame her? He wondered how she’d react when they got around to talking about it.

“Say, I didn’t know you two were having sex yet!” exclaimed Anya looking from Buffy to Spike.

Buffy glared at her. “We’re not.”

“Well, not yet anyway,” sighed Anya. “That means I won the bet!”

“What bet?” asked Spike.

“Oh, we all made a little wager at the office. After all that unresolved sexual tension between you two when you left the office had us wondering how long it would be until you had sex. Especially since you had the whole marriage thing going on.”

Buffy cringed. She wasn’t really upset about the bet because she had to admit that there had been a lot of unresolved sexual tension between her and Spike, but only Willow knew about her scars. No one else knew she wasn’t really comfortable with her body.

As if reading her mind, Spike started to rub her lower back in a comforting manner.

“I’m sure it was only a joke,” he whispered to her. He wanted to reassure her that he would not rush her into anything.

“So, what news do you have for me?” asked Anya.

“Basically he’s trying to get his brother out of jail in Oklahoma,” explained Spike. “The missiles were only a distraction.”

“Ok, so we just hang out until he comes back?” asked Anya.

“Yup,” answered Buffy, “and then we bust him.”

“Yay! More time for sex with Xander. It’s a good thing I get a discount on all this stuff for being an employee.”

Buffy and Spike started to leave, not wanting to hear about Anya’s sexcapades with Xander.

“Are you sure you don’t want to buy any thing?” Anya shouted after them. “We have these new mini vibrators that come in very handy.”

Buffy walked hurriedly out of the shop with Spike in her wake.

Chapter 19

Spike tore his eyes away from the television, which was a challenge for him because Passions was on. He saw Buffy standing motionless looking out the window. The skies were a dark shade of gray and thunder boomed overhead. They could hear the pitter-patter of rain on the roof above them. Buffy had been quiet all afternoon after they had left Anya’s shop. Spike had an idea of what was going on in her head, but he wanted her to express her own thoughts first.

“What’s wrong, luv?” Spike asked coming up behind Buffy. He reached out to rub her shoulders but she stepped away from him.

”Nothing” she replied shakily.

“OK”, Spike just shrugged his shoulders and returned to the couch to watch the rest of the show.

When Buffy saw he had walked away she followed him and sat down on the couch. Spike could see her out of the corner of his eye. She was pretending to be interested in the show but she fidgeted. She had her hands folded in her lap and then one the armrest and then she gripped her elbows. Finally she turned to him in exasperation. Spike looked at her as if to say, ‘Yes?’

Buffy let out a deep breath. “Howmanytimeshaveyouhadsex?” she asked quickly.

“Pardon?” Spike answered, he knew full on what she had said, but he wanted her to be comfortable with herself when they talked about sex.

“How many times have you had sex?” Buffy asked more slowly.

Spike smiled softly. “What makes you think I’ve had sex?”

Buffy’s eyes widened. “You haven’t had sex?” she inquired not believing him.

“Didn’t say that either,” teased Spike.

“Come on, I’m being serious!” Buffy exclaimed. Her patience was wearing thin and Spike could tell. Finally he gave in.

“Why do you ask?”

“Just curious,” Buffy blushed.

“Do you really want to know?” asked Spike. The sound of his deep baritone voice sent shivers down Buffy’s spine.

“Well not if you’re a man whore or anything,” Buffy decided.

Spike chuckled. “No, I wouldn’t say that, luv.” There was a moment of silence that passed between them. Finally Spike sighed, “I’ve been with three women.”

“Oh,” Buffy sighed with relief. “Wait! You’ve been with three women?”

“Well I don’t really count the number of times I have sex,” explained Spike.

“Oh.”

“How many lucky blokes have you been with?” Spike wondered, though he was pretty sure he knew.

“None, I thought I had made that kinda obvious.” Buffy tensed up.

“Was just checking,” insisted Spike.

Buffy swallowed. “Do-do you want to have sex? With me?” Buffy scrambled out.

Spikes head snapped up. He looked at her; his eyes squinted as if he were analyzing her.

“No,” he answered firmly.

“No!?” Buffy repeated looking hurt. Spike sighed realizing what he’d said had come out the wrong way. ‘You buggering idiot,’ he thought to himself. He set his hands gently on Buffy’s shoulders turning her to her whole body was facing him.

“I didn’t mean that I didn’t want to be with you, believe me I do. I want to make love to you nice and slow, giving you what you deserve. I don’t want to do it just because you feel inclined to now that you know I have been with other women. When the time is right we’ll know.”

Buffy felt her nipples harden at his words promises of love. She had never felt like this before in her entire life. She felt jittery and exited all at the same time. But she kept her emotions on the inside. She could only share so much, she merely replied to Spike with a shy nod.

The tension did not flee the room though. Buffy had her mind wondering about what sex was like. What if she wasn’t good? What if it didn’t turn out to be what she expected? She really needed to talk to Willow. In the back of his head Spike knew what she was worried about but he had his own problems. He loved Buffy, but she deserved better than him. He didn’t want to end up hurting her. If he did he wasn’t sure if he could live with himself.

They both sat on the on the couch letting their minds drown in the insecurities. Finally Spike snapped out of it. “Why don’t we go to a movie?” he suggested.

Buffy looked at him, startled out of her thoughts. “You mean on a date?”

“Well, sure” answered Spike. “We have to start somewhere don’t we?”

Buffy smiled. “Give me a few minutes to get ready.”

Indeed it had only taken a few minutes. Buffy wasn’t the type of girl that took hours to get ready to go out on a date. She rarely wore makeup or did her hair. Tonight her extent of getting ready for a date included getting nice flowery spaghetti strapped top on with her favorite jeans. On her way out of her room she threw on some lip-gloss and tossed her hair up in a messy bun.

Spike was surprised when she came out and announced she was ready. When he had gone out with Cicely it had taken her days to get ready to go see a movie. It drove Spike nuts. If he liked a woman it made no difference to him whether she was gussied up or not. Buffy always looked beautiful to him. ‘You’re whipped,’ his inner voice told him.

They stared at the lighted movie listing above the counter. The theater was almost vacant which was not surprising since it was a weekday. Neither of them knew what they wanted to watch. “What do you want to watch?” he asked.

Buffy took one last look at the movie titles. Maybe it was time to test his tolerance level, or just torture him a bit. “Bridget Jones’s Dairy,” was her firm answer.

Spike’s vision became blurry when they stepped out of the movie theater. The sun was blinding after sitting in the dark for two hours. Humidity clung to their skin as the sun dried the sidewalks from the rain. “That was a bloody stupid movie!” he lamented. “It puts the rest of us British men to shame.” He looked over at Buffy to see her covering her face trying to hide her amusement. “Are you laughing at me?” Spike asked incredulously.

“No,” was Buffy short answer until she snorted starting to laugh.

“You did this on purpose!” exclaimed Spike.

“Yup and it was fun,” giggled Buffy.

“I’m going to get you back, Summers, one of these days.”

Chapter 20

A very annoying sound forced Buffy to open her eyes the next morning. She felt Spike’s arms around her and smiled at the memories of the night before. After Spike had finished ranting they had gone to a little café around the corner from their apartment. She and Spike a shared a piece a chocolate cake that made him purr and had calmed her jitters down a little bit. She was still a bit nervous being so close to him, physically and emotionally. They both returned to the apartment laughing up a storm about nothing in particular. When they both got into bed, Buffy outlined Spike’s face with her figures. He had hollow checks that looked very sexy and sent bolts through her body when he sucked them in out of habit when he was aroused. She was aroused herself just by holding his stare. At first it had been a challenge to look him in the eye for so long. It made her feel far too vulnerable, but Spike had been patient. The first few times when she had looked away he would wait until he could catch her gaze again. Buffy found this gesture to be very intimate. It was as if they became one when they looked in each other’s eyes. They could tell what the other was feeling and welcome the same feeling in their own bodies as well. Both of them had gone to sleep feeling the same emotions, comfort, love, and anticipation.

Buffy’s hand reached out, groping blindly for the contraption that had caused such a disruptive noise. Finally she picked it up and pressed the talk button.

“Hello?” she answered sleepily.

“Hello Buffy?” a British accent spoke over the telephone.

“Giles? Why are you calling so early?” Buffy accused; not being happy with the interuprion of her peaceful slumber.

“Actually, if I’m correct it is noon in your time zone,” was Giles’ reply.

Buffy sat up quickly and looked at the cloak. Indeed it was noon.

“Oh, how did I sleep in so late?” she wondered out loud.

“Who is it, luv?” rumbled a voice behind her. Buffy turned to Spike and mouthed ‘Giles.’ Spike flopped back down on the bed and pressed his pillow over his head, pretending to suffocate himself. Buffy snickered.

“Is everything okay?” asked a concerned Giles.

“Yes, Spike is just being weird.”

“Yes, he does have that tendency,” recalled Giles.

“What’s up?” Buffy inquired, wanting to cut to the chase.

“The authorities need your help on one of their cases. There has been a couple robbing banks in the last couple days, so far they have gotten away from three banks.”

“Right we’ve been hearing about it on the news,” Buffy told him.

“Well the couple are now held up in a bank just a few streets over and they are having trouble flushing them out. There are a various number of hostages in the building.”

Buffy sighed, “Right, we’re on it.”

A half an hour later they were on the scene. Helicopters flew overhead, sirens were wailing, lights were flashing as if the place were a disco club. Buffy and Spike located the police officer who was in charge.

“Hi, I’m Lieutenant Graham” the officer greeted the couple solemnly.

Buffy and Spike introduced themselves and asked for the status of the situation.

“We haven’t been able to flush the out yet,” Graham explained. “We were just going to start with the tear gas but we need someone to go in and grab the couple. There are a lot of hostages in the bank. We can’t take any chances of the perps getting away with one of the innocents.”

“Have you identified the couple yet?” asked Spike.

“Their names are Glory and Ben Forrester.”

“When are you going to break out the tear gas?”

“I’ve been waiting for you two, but my men are very anxious. You both should probably go get your gear on.” Graham pointed to the makeshift tent the task force had set up.

Buffy helped Spike put his gear on first. It was very hard because the costume was very bulky and uncomfortable. Also, Buffy had trouble fitting Spike into it without touching him in intimate places. Spike, however, got aroused whenever and whereever she touched him.

Both partners were so wrapped up in the tension between them that they jumped when they heard a loud ‘BOOM’. Officers, who were already in their suits, were throwing the cans of tear gas through the windows, activating them. Graham rushed in.

“They’re doing a full breech and getting all the hostages out,” he explained rapidly. “They don’t know how many captives are in there. Someone needs to grab Glory and Ben.”

Spike looked at Buffy. “I’ll go, I have my gear on. You stay here.” Buffy watched as he ran into the building.

‘Like hell I will,’ she thought. She ran in after him.

“Buffy!” Graham called after her, “You can’t go in without your mask!”

Buffy paid no heed to his warning. Spike couldn’t possibly get both of the villains out of there. Hostages were coming out of the building in a slow trickle, so that Buffy had to weave through them to get in.

‘Here goes nothing,’ she took one last deep breath of fresh air.

The building was full of fumes making it hard for her to see, especially without protection for her eyes. She heard the sounds of a struggle coming from the other room. She rushed in to see Spike fighting off Ben, while Glory held a hostage. She was heading for the back door, but Buffy intercepted her. Glory threw the hostage at her and ran. Buffy pointed the hostage to the exit before she ran after Glory. Spike looked up from his fight and recognized the blond in a hot pink colored shirt running after the red headed criminal

“Buffy get out of here!” he shouted after her.

Buffy caught up with Glory and grabbed her hair.

“Ow,” screeched Glory. “Let go, bitch.” Glory landed a right hook into Buffy’s jaw. Buffy swung back and the fight began. Buffy swung a round kick right into Glory’s stomach. She howled with pain and in turn rammed Buffy’s face into the wall. Buffy was having trouble breathing. The affects of the tear gas were taking over. She knew she had to end the fight soon. She slammed her elbow into Glory’s face effectively knocking her out.

Spike was having his own trouble with Ben. His mind was wondering if Buffy was ok. Ben took advantage of his opponent’s inattention and bashed him over the head with a telephone he had yanked loose. Spike took a firm grip of Ben’s shoulders and kneed him in the groin. When Ben doubled over in pain, Spike delivered the last blow that would render him unconscious.

Once he made sure the perp was out cold Spike ran over to Buffy, who was standing over Glory.

“Come on, pet,” Spike said in a raised voice. “We’ve gotta get you out of here.”

He reached out for Buffy’s hand. She stepped toward him and fainted forward into his arms, the world went black.

Something cold was being poured on her face, it felt great in the heat of the sun. Buffy opened her eyes to find Spike kneeling over her. Graham was handing him cold water to splash on her face. Buffy hadn’t even realized she was soaking.

“Good, you’re awake,” Spike said grimly, looking at Buffy with a blank face.

“You should get her to the hospital, Spike,” suggested Graham. “Just so they can make sure she’s ok.”

“Yeah, ok,” Spike answered in an offhanded manner, not even really registering what Graham had said until a few seconds later.

Spike pulled around their Audi. Graham helped Buffy get in.

“Thanks for your help, man” Graham said to Spike. “You two take care of yourselves.”

Spike gave a smile and a nod before he sped off.

Spike waited impatiently in the waiting area outside of the Buffy’s examination room. He wished he could be in there with her but that was against agency policy. Spike was worried about Buffy, with reason. Why had she been so bloody selfish? What would he have done if she hadn’t gotten the upper hand against Glory? They were just starting to have something together and she had been willing to throw it all away. He loved her, why couldn’t she see? Then it dawned on him. She didn’t know that. It made him shiver to know that she could have died so easily and he wouldn’t have gotten a chance to tell her that he loved her. He had been the selfish one wondering if he was good enough for her, reserving himself. He knew that he loved her, and know was the time for her to know it too.

The nurse, Tru, smiled at Buffy as she finished taking her vitals.

“I think you’ll be fine, Buffy, but take it easy for the next couple of days. Don’t do anything too rigorous and you should be back to normal.” Buffy smiled and thanked Tru for her time. She went out to the waiting room where Spike had stayed.

Spike was talking to another agent when Buffy walked out. They hadn’t gone to the public hospital; instead they used the agency’s medical facilities.

“Any news?” Buffy asked cheerfully.

“Oz, Red, Anya, and Xander have all gone back to LA. They are going to wait for word from us,” Spike answered, frowning. He didn’t even look at Buffy.

They got into the car not saying a word to each other. The hour car ride home was silent as well. When they reached the apartment Buffy wanted to know what was up. Spike had been completely ignoring her.

“What’s wrong?” asked Buffy as they entered the apartment.

Spike lost all of his resolve. She couldn’t bloody well see that she had put herself in danger? Spike turned around and stared at her. Sparks of anger practically flew from his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” he asked incredulously. “What’s wrong? Do you know how stupid that stunt you pulled today was?”

“I was just doing my job,” Buffy began.

“Sod that,” Spike interrupted, his voice rising. “You were bloody reckless.”

“I knew what I was doing, I had complete control of the situation,” Buffy said, starting to get angry as well.

“Yea, that’s why you passed out after you barley took out the perp. You could have gotten killed. The problem with you, Summers, is you've gotten so good, you're
starting to think you're immortal.

“Not really,” Buffy replied coolly, “I just know I can handle myself.”

“Oh, how do explain this?” Spike’s punch landed right in the middle of her torso. Buffy fell down on the floor, taken aback by the blow. She glared up at Spike while trying to catch her breath.

“What the hell was that?” she seethed.

“I’m just trying to keep you from getting killed,” Spike stood back waiting for a punch in retaliation.

“Stay away from me,” Buffy warned.

“Give it t’ me good, Buffy. Do it!”

It was time; maybe he could actually get through to her. Spike had been terrified the whole time he had been fighting Ben. He kept worrying about her, not being able to focus. He knew it couldn’t happen again, this time she not only put herself in danger she had put him at risk as well. Spike didn’t really mind about his own risk, but she had so much to live for. He didn’t see how she could be so careless, and willing to throw her life away. He waited for the blow but it didn’t come

“See, you can’t do it, you can’t hurt me.”

“Stop it! Why are you doing this to me?”

“Because you could have died without giving me a chance to tell you that I love you,” Spike blurted out. He shut his eyes realizing what he had just said. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. There was supposed to be candles and music, but here they were. He opened his eyes to see Buffy. She was staring at him.

‘I’m a fool,’ he thought to himself. ‘A fool for love.’

Buffy looked up at him suddenly they are very close. Buffy could feel the heat rising in her body. Her nipples were suddenly very hard as the heat passed through her body, so hard that Spike could see them through her blouse. The sight made him ache, as his own body started to react to her arousal, he tried to refuse but his body took over.

Buffy captured his lips with hers; forcing his lips to open so she could get inside. Spike’s eyes widened, she was certainly quite the kisser. As she explored Spike’s hot mouth with her tongue she unconsciously rubbed her groin against his. Buffy maneuvered Spike backwards into the wall. Her primal instincts took over as she hopped into his arms. Spike’s hips swayed with Buffy’s, his hardened cock hitting her clit through her jeans. Buffy moaned into his mouth with pleasure as she started riding him through his jeans. Spike couldn’t take it any more, Buffy found her self up against the wall before she knew it. Rockets of desire were going off in her body.

She threw her head back. “What’s happening to me?” she gasped as the ripples of an impending orgasm washed through her body.

It was only then when Spike remembered she hadn’t done this before. He had just confessed his love to her and he was already trying to get into her pants.

He loosened his grip on Buffy. She slid down the wall, but she was too shaken to stand up on her own. Thankfully Spike caught her before she fell to the floor.

“What’s wrong Spike?” she asked for the second time that night.

Spike tilted his head and looked at her intently. “I’m sorry, Buffy,” he started.

“Sorry for what?”

“Luv, you don’t want your first time to be like this. You don’t want to remember your first time as being fucked up against some wall.”

Buffy was surprised at his choice of language, but she didn’t mind.

“If you didn’t notice, I was enjoying it. I want this,” she looked into his eyes, getting his attention.

“I just don’t want you to regret this.”

Buffy smiled warmly at him. “Spike, I want you make love to me. I want you to be my first,“ she whispered. “I- I think that I’m in love with you, too.”

She surprised herself when she said it out loud. She had never really seen herself as capable of loving someone until now. Now she knew, she was his, and he was hers.

Spike paused for a minute wondering if she’d really meant all of it.

A smile started to form on his lips, as happiness spread thought his body. The woman of his dreams loved him back.

“Well, I’m never one to deny a lady,” He said snapping out of his daze.

Next thing that Buffy knew her legs were wrapped around Spike’s waist again and he was heading up the stairs to the loft. Buffy started squirming against him, searching for her release. Spike bit back a moan when her movements brushed up against the erect head of his cock; he deposited her on the bed.

“Wait a minute, lamb,” he smiled as she batted at him eagerly. “We’ve got to love you up properly, yeah?”

Buffy sighed and Spike chuckled. He kissed her softly on the lips. Buffy was amazed at how soft Spike’s lips and face were. She had expected all men to have that scratchy stubble on their faces, but not Spike. His skin was soft and smooth. She caught one of his deliciously full lips in her mouth and nibbled on it gently. Spike ran his hands up and down her sides, outlining her perfect curves. On the way back up, Spike let his hands wander under the hem of Buffy’s shirt. He rubbed small circles on her tummy and lower abdomen. Buffy hummed in satisfaction. Spike grinned and took immediate advantage to explore her mouth. Buffy ran her hands through Spike’s soft hair as he brought her legs up to rest beside her ribs.

Spike let his fingers slip towards the buttons of Buffy’s jeans. Once he had them undone Spike slid the pants off of her legs. Buffy sighed, relieved to have one more layer of clothing removed. Spike slid back up to her and Buffy took the opportunity to unbutton his shirt. He was wearing the same red silky button down that he wore the first day they’d officially met. She hadn’t thought much of it then, but now she worshiped the way the cool fabric rubbed against her heated skin. When the shirt was unbuttoned Spike shrugged it off and let it fall on the floor. Buffy reached up bringing Spike to her. She nipped gently at his neck, marking him with love bites. Spike started to remove Buffy’s tank top. When he had it all the way off he looked down, surprised to see that she wore no bra.

Suddenly, she was eye to eye with him as his face loomed over hers. Buffy felt very self conscience. A blush started to burn up from her neck and spread though her body. She brought up her hands in attempt to cover herself, arms and abdomen especially. She bit her lip as a worried look marred her features. Tears started to well up in her eyes. Spike started to panic.

“What’s wrong?” he asked worriedly? “Buffy, pet, did I hurt you?”

Buffy didn’t respond. Spike looked down to see that she had her fingernails digging into her skin. He caught her hands and pried them away from her body before she started breathing. Buffy fought him, but it didn’t work. Spike looked down to where her hands had been.

He knew what was wrong immediately when he looked down. She had been covering up scars, scars on her belly and chest that he had never seen before. Spike took her face into his hands. Tears trickled down her checks and Spike’s heart broke for her.

“Oh, luv, don’t cry.”

Buffy took in a shaky breath. “I understand if you don’t want to go any further.”

“How could I not want to?” Spike smiled. “You’re so beautiful. I love you.”

Buffy smiled up at him. She felt her body soften at his words. She had been so afraid when this moment came that he’d run away, but he hadn’t. He stayed there and kissed her tears away.

“You think I’m beautiful?” she murmured.

Spike didn’t bother with a verbally response, instead he started in on her breasts. Buffy moaned when she saw Spike’s tongue dart out and start to lick around her areola. Spike reached up and cupped her breast. He reveled in the feel of their fullness. His fingers reached over to flick her nipples. Buffy arched up toward him. Spike twirled his tongue around her nipples in a mocking way until he finally took one into his mouth. Buffy gasped when bolts of pleasure shot through her body down to her clit making it throb. Her pelvis shot up against Spike seeking friction. Spike didn’t miss a beat; he knew what her body wanted. Spike’s fingers crept down and took hold of the waist of her panties and slid them down off of her legs. He nibbled his way back up Buffy’s claves and sucked on the skin of the back of her knees for a bit. When he reached her sex Spike gently pulled Buffy’s legs apart. He resumed nipping a trail up to the juncture where her hips met her abdomen. He then descended down to her nether lips.

Spike’s head whipped up at Buffy’s slammed her legs closed, yelping “What are you doing.”

Spike crawled back up Buffy’s body until his face hovered over hers.

“Relax, luv, I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you,” he assured her. He leaned down and whispered into her ear, “I’m going to show you the stars.”

Buffy shivered with delight as his warm breath hit her ear. Spike looked questioningly down at her and she nodded her head.

As he descended once again, Buffy let her legs fall apart.

“Just relax, luv, gonna make you feel real good,” he murmured softly.

She smelled delicious, she did. Like tart apples; and Spike loved it. He carefully parted her lips and slipped his tongue inside. Buffy gasped as he went immediately for her clit. Spike lapped up the juices that her body was producing, she tasted wonderful, and he couldn’t get enough. Buffy had never felt anything like this before, it was too much pleasure, and at the same time not enough. Her hands flew to Spike’s head and she started to buck against Spike’s face. Spike let his tongue slide down into her channel letting it thrust in and out mimicking intercourse. He brought a finger up and started to grind gently one her clit. Buffy thought she was going to combust from a combination of heat and pleasure.

“Please, Spike,” she whimpered, not entirely sure what she wanted.

Spike licked her up and down and then resumed sucking on her clit. He slid one finger into her, Buffy immediately bucked and started to thrust against it.

‘Cor, she’s tight,” Spike thought to himself. ‘Oh, course she is, you’re her first. You’d better not muck it up.”

Spike inserted another finger; almost coming himself when he imagined what it would be like when he entered her. Buffy felt a huge bolt of pleasure overwhelm her body. She flew off the precipice thinking that there would be no end. She had never felt anything this wonderful in her life. She held Spike’s head closed to her working herself on him. Spike continued to suck on her clit as she rode out her first orgasm. She continued to hump against his finger until she came down from her high.

Once she had recovered Buffy pulled Spike up her body.

“That was wonderful,” she praised him. Spike felt a swell of pride, he’d made women come before but he had never felt the way about anyone the way he felt about Buffy. Somehow it made the experience that much more.

Buffy reached down and her fingers started to fondle Spike’s belt. Once his pants were undone she reached down inside to take out his member, not surprised in the least when she found that he didn’t wear underwear. Spike closed his eyes as Buffy started to stroke his cock, her hand barley fit around him. She let her thumb circle the head and then reached down to caress his balls. Spike swallowed, concentrating on clenching his jaw muscles so that he wouldn’t loose control. He was hard as nails and didn’t know how much more he could handle. He almost came when he looked down to see his cock nestled in her soft hand. He reached down to fasten his hand on top of hers. Buffy looked up startled.

“Did I do something wrong?” she asked.

“’M going to come all over you if you keep doing that,” he warned.

“Isn’t that what you want?”

“Want to come inside of you,” Spike replied locking his eyes with hers. Buffy’s breath hitched.

She pushed Spike’s pants down his legs and he kicked them the rest of the way off, thankful that they had shed their shoes at the door in their frenzy. Buffy looked down and her eyes widened. She watched as his erection jutted out from his belly, it looked even more impressive then it had been when it was covered in denim. She knew he was big, but she didn’t know guys could be that big.

Spike looked down at her. “Are you sure you still want to do this, pet?” he asked.

“I’m sure,” she smiled bravely.

“It’s only going to hurt for a minute then I’ll make it good for you, I promise,” his voice cracked with unrestrained lust and desire.

Spike took hold of his erection and carefully probed her delicate folds. He rubbed his erection up against her clit making them both writhe with pleasure.

“Want you so much,” Buffy gasped softly.

That was all the encouragement Spike needed. He lined himself up with her channel and inched forward. When he met her barrier he thrust his hips through. Buffy gasped in pain, it hurt considerably.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” he apologized. “It’ll feel good soon.” He didn’t make any attempt to move. Buffy let herself adjust to his girth as he stretched her.

Buffy’s pain was soon replaced with need. She started to move her hips against Spike experimenting with the feeling. It felt good. Spike began to thrust against her. Buffy went with the feeling and tilted her hips up to meet him.

“That’s it, luv,” Spike encouraged her. “Cor, you’re so wet ‘n tight, pet. Gonna have to be inside you all the time from now on.”

Buffy shivered with delight, hoping that what he was saying would be true. Spike angled his hips so on every down stroke the base of his cock hit her clit.

Buffy kneed in pleasure as she was flooded with mini orgasms, “Spike, oh God, what happening to me?”

Spike continued to thrust harder suckling on her neck, leaving his own love mark.

Buffy urged him on grabbing his ass to thrust up against him. Spike reached down and pinched her clit. Buffy’s muscles started to convulse around him.

“Oh, it’s too much, Spike,” she pleaded, but at the same time she urged him on. His thrusts became deeper; he wasn’t sure how much longer he would last. When the head of Spike’s cock hit her cervix Buffy felt a tidal wave of pleasure overflow her. Spike started to come when he felt her muscles massage him. Buffy felt newfound pleasure as she felt him fill her womb. They thrust against each other urgently riding out their orgasms.

The two lovers collapsed against each other, feeling exhausted.

“I love you, Spike” Buffy sighed softly. Spike looked down at her, surprised. Whether she realized it or not that was the first time that she had said she loved him. Spike smiled, but wondered if she really meant it.

“I love you, too,” Spike leaned over and kissed her soundly on the lips, their tongues tangled. Their kiss conveying what couldn’t be said. Buffy spooned herself against Spike and he held her lovingly as they drifted off to sleep.

Chapter 21

Spike wrapped his arms firmly around Buffy furthering her into his protective embrace. He looked down at Buffy, who was sleeping. He studied her face; her skin was soft and smooth. A wave of possessiveness washed over Spike. He had been her first and her only. No one else would ever have the honor of taking that away from her except for him. And now, here she was asleep, her back spooned up against him. Spike took the opportunity to run his hand over her bare curves. He only paused to tweak a nipple into hardening.

Buffy stirred. A million thoughts came rushing into her head at once. Why am I naked? Why am I in the same bed with someone else who is naked? Then her mind fully woke and reminded her of what happened the night before. It had not been how she imagined it at all, having her partner from work take her virginity. But it had felt right and that’s all that mattered.

Spike sensed when Buffy was awake when her body tensed. He leaned in and whispered in the shell of her ear, ‘’Morning, luv.”

Buffy felt shivers flow down her spine as she heard him rumbling into her ear. She snuggled her back closer to him. Immediately she was aware of his hard cock resting against her bottom. Spike slipped his member between her moist folds.

“Ok, pet?” he asked.

Buffy nodded.

Spike gently slipped his cock into her while he peppered kisses down her neck.

Buffy turned her head around and kissed Spike.

“This is nice,” She smiled.

“Mmm, it is,” Spike agreed as he reached down to manipulate her clit.

Buffy moaned in pleasure. She started to move back against Spike. It was softer than the night before had been. Spike took his time outlining Buffy’s body and lingering in the places he knew she would appreciate. He planted soft kisses over her neck and shoulders only pausing to nibble on her earlobe.

Buffy was still unsure what to do. She was still getting used to receiving such high amounts of pleasure without passing out. Maybe the next time around, though.

Spike was having his own fun coaxing moans and exclamations from her. It only aroused him further. It had never been like this with any other girl. This time he felt like making love was just that making love, not fucking. He knew he was whipped since the first moment he saw Buffy, but it really hit him now. He smiled when he had Buffy dancing on the edge of ecstasy. Spike decided to stop torturing her and he thrust deeply into her . Buffy sure felt it. It felt like a California earthquake only with out the scariness. She came with a shout finally jumping off the cliff where the world ended and all that was mind-numbing pleasure. The stimulation of her orgasm was too much for Spike to handle. He’d never been in this deep before and the combination sent fireworks through his body as he came.

Later, after they had both caught their breath they lay face to face basking in the afterglow, the time between loving and the intrusion of the outside world.

“You ok, luv?” Spike asked quietly.

“More than ok, she answered. “Did you enjoy it too?”

“Better.”

“Because I know I’m not experienced or anything-“

Spike stopped her by kissing her softly on the lips.

“Everything was perfect.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After many hours of basking, Spike and Buffy finally managed to make it out of bed. Buffy went to take a shower while Spike made some coffee. While she was in the shower, Buffy’s brain was attacked with a myriad of thoughts. She really didn’t know what would happen next. Would everything go back to the way it was before or were they supposed to be ‘lovey dovey’. Buffy decided to just feel it out. She hated the feeling of being rejected.

When she got out of the shower Buffy was greeted with a long kiss and a hot cup of coffee from Spike.

After a few minutes Buffy pulled away. “We have to stop or we’ll never get out of here,” she reasoned.

“And that’s a problem?” asked Spike.

Buffy shook her head as she walked out of the room.

They were both sitting down watching TV. It was Spike’s favorite show. Buffy was bored, but she didn’t say anything, she just enjoyed his company.

“Giles called,” Spike said suddenly.

“When?” she asked.

“While you were in the shower, he wanted to let us know that Santiago sent us a letter to that address we gave him saying that he would be coming in three weeks. A certain agent had caught his two best guards. He said he wanted to lay low for a while.”

“That was one of my greater moves,” said Buffy sarcastically.

“Don’t worry about it, luv,” spike assured her. “Look at the good side we have three more weeks of ‘vacation’.”

Buffy smiled at him. “Whatever should we do with all that time,” she said mischievously.

Chapter 22

Spike wandered the plaza in Miami trying to find the trinket he was looking for. He couldn’t believe he was doing this already. Two months ago he had been in New York City thinking that life was completely meaningless. He had been lonely, wondering what his place in the world was supposed to be. He didn’t feel he had anyone. Sure, there was his mother and Dru, but they were half way across the planet. And now his uncle was nagging him to come out to LA and work with him. Spike figured he didn’t have anything to lose and as soon as he knew it he was in LA.

Now, just two months later, Spike was completely in love. He was infatuated with Buffy. It had happened so fast he wasn’t sure what had hit him. Spike supposed it didn’t matter as long as he loved her. It wasn’t all easy though. There were some awkward parts of their relationship, like when they weren’t in bed Buffy acted like nothing had happened. She wasn’t as affectionate as Spike. She didn’t like to kiss long and slow in public like Spike did. She also didn’t share what she was thinking most of the time. But those were quirks Spike didn’t mind. He loved her and right now that was all that mattered to him. Just when he had about given up on life, an angel walked into his life. Spike had only one way to describe it. Buffy was his salvation.

Spike walked along the sidewalk until he found what he was looking for. The shop he walked into was as nice as he’d imagined it would be. The clerks smiled at him asking if he needed their assistance. Spike politely told them that he would alert them when he would need their service. This task was something he didn’t need help with. He wanted what he was buying to come from the heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy walked to a local pizza parlor to pick up her and Spike’s dinner. She felt like she was walking on air. Everything was going well with Spike. He was there for her like no one else ever had been. She really felt like he understood her, but she had trouble relaying all of her feelings for him. She wasn’t used to showing affection as openly as Spike did. She wasn’t sure if it was because she felt embarrassed or because she was afraid he’d reject her. Buffy just wasn’t strong enough to fight off her insecurities right now. No one had ever told her it was ok to love and let the whole world know it. She just didn’t know how to open up that freely. All she knew was that she loved Spike.

Sure she had told him that, but she had never really thought much about the words now. They had just been words before, but it wasn’t until now Buffy understood the actual meaning until now. She made up her mind. Tonight she would tell him everything she was feeling. She would tell him she loved him, really loved him, not just saying it casually as she had done before. This time there would be no turning back. She would tell him exactly how she felt. He wasn’t just another man. He was hers. And she was his.

Buffy smiled at the clerk as she handed her the pizza she and Spike had ordered. They were planning on having a night of pizza and movies for a change. In the past weeks they had been everywhere. The couple had gone to the beach, an amusement park; they even went on a catamaran ride to the Keys. Buffy was looking forward to having a night in with Spike all to herself. It was the perfect opportunity for Buffy to tell him everything.

As she turned around to head out the door she ran into a bulky torso. Buffy looked up to see Angel towering over her. Buffy’s smile faltered only for a millisecond. In occurred to her that she wasn’t mad at Angel anymore despite the fact he cheated on her. If he hadn’t cheated, she wouldn’t have met Spike. She had Spike now, she loved him and he loved her back.

“Hey Buffy,” Angel said in a baritone voice.

“Hi Angel,” Buffy greeted. “What are you doing here? I thought everyone had gone back to LA.”

“Yeah, they left me behind to backup you and Spike in case you needed help,” Angel replied.

“Oh, well Spike and I were going to stay in and watch movie tonight. Do want to join us?” Buffy secretly hoped he said no, she had only asked him to be polite.

“No, that’s okay,” Angel answered. They walked silently for a few minutes.

“So you and Spike are together, I hear,” Angel started.

“Yeah,” Buffy said not really knowing how to react to his comment.

“I’m surprised, Buff,” Angel laughed. “I honestly don’t know how any man could go out with a woman with a body as messed up as yours.”

Buffy stopped and turned to face him.

“What?” she asked taken aback.

“Well, unless you haven’t told him,” Angel continued.

“I can’t believe you’re saying this to me,” Buffy replied. “What happened? Did Faith finally figure out you’re a waste of time and leave you?”

Angel sneered and grabbed Buffy’s arm. “Come on, Buff, don’t be like that.”

“Let go of me,” Buffy demanded through clenched teeth.

“You know Spike is going to leave you, Buffy. You and I both know that you’re not strong enough to have a lasting relationship. Sooner or later he’s going to realize that you’re nothing but your father’s whore.” Angel grabbed Buffy’s arms and pulled her forward as he smashed his lips with hers.

Spike walked out of the store feeling nothing but happiness. He had bought the item he was looking for and it was perfect. He started to walk toward the apartment when he saw a familiar short blond. Spike smiled and started to walk over to her when he saw the man she was with. He couldn’t believe the scene that lay in front of him. Angel kissing his girl like there was no tomorrow. Spike’s smile fell as his heart shattered into a million pieces. The girl he loved, the one who thought of as his, was kissing another man. His eyes began to water as he slowly turned around to walk back toward the apartment, unnoticed by his lover. A newly purchased engagement ring lay forgotten in his pocket.

Buffy pushed Angel away as soon as she realized what he was doing. Angel stumbled as she spat out the taste of him from her mouth.

“What the hell are you doing, you bastard?” she yelled feeling degusted. “What part of we’re over do you not understand? You had your fun with Faith. At the same time you gave up any right you had to be part of my life. And for your information Spike does know about what happened to me. And guess what? He doesn’t care.”

Angel certainly wasn’t expecting this revelation because he stayed silent.

Buffy started to walk away from Angel. She paused and then turned back, “If you ever come near me again, I swear to God, I will kill you.”

Chapter 23

Buffy returned still ruffled by her confrontation with Angel. She had a hard time believing that she had once thought she was in love with him. She had never seen his act coming. She had expected him to forget about her and be the played he always would be.

When she opened the door she didn’t see Spike in the living area or the kitchen. She set down the pizza on the table and went to find her lover. She heard ruffling noises coming from the spare bedroom. Buffy entered the bedroom and saw Spike rapidly stuffing clothes into his two large duffle bags.

“What are you doing?” asked Buffy, her heart racing as she started to panic.

“’M going back to LA,” Spike responded curtly.

“Why? When? What?” Buffy was at a loss for words, not knowing what he’d seen.

“Giles says he has another case he can start me on until we are supposed book Santiago. You can take care of things on your own until I get back,” he answered, not even giving her a second glance.

“When were you going to tell me?” Buffy asked angrily.

“I thought we had something good going here and now you are just gonna leave me?”

“Yea, well, I don’t like being the boyfriend on the side. I hope you and Angel are very happy together,” Spike said sarcastically, although he was hurting inside.

“What!” Buffy asked incredulously. Then she realized that she must have seen her and Angel’s display in the plaza. “Oh, Spike, he just came on to me. I didn’t know he was going to do that. You think we got back together?”

“I didn’t see you stopping him,” Spike mumbled zipping up his bags.

He started walking towards the exit. Buffy followed him.

His hand was set to twist the doorknob when Buffy grabbed his arm.

“Spike, please don’t go,” She pleaded as tears streamed down her face.

Spike sighed and turned around. “You push me away Buffy. What am I supposed to do?”

“Wait,” she replied.

“For how long?” Spike wore a solemn expression.

“As long as it takes,” answered Buffy desperately.

“I can’t,” said Spike feeling his stomach sink. “I can’t stay here waiting around for you to let me in.” He opened the door.

“I love you,” said Buffy quietly.

“No you don’t, but thanks for saying it,” he replied, not looking at her, he walked out the door.

Buffy stared at the door for what seemed like hours after Spike left. She didn’t even try to wipe away the tears that were now creating a puddle on her shirt.

‘He left me,’ was the only thought running through her head. ‘He left me’.

Chapter 24

It had been days since Buffy had eaten. She didn’t feel hungry, she didn’t feel anything except the hurt and sadness Spike had caused. She knew she was going into the state of depression but she didn’t really care. All she wanted to do was to talk to Spike and tell him everything. She wanted to have the chance to tell him what he saw with Angel didn’t mean they were together, she wanted to tell him that she loved him, really really loved him. She thought about writing, but thought that a letter would be too impersonal. She thought about calling, but he would probably hang up on her. She had sat at the door to the apartment for a full 24 hours before she could will herself to move to her bed. She only got up to take showers or drink some water.

Willow called at least ten times a day leaving long messages on the machine asking why Spike was back without Buffy and what had happened. Buffy hadn’t called her back. It wasn’t until Willow threatened to fly down to Miami that Buffy picked up the phone. She didn’t want Willow seeing her in the state she was in.

“Hello,” Buffy answered dully.

“Buffy what happened, I’ve been so worried about you,“ Willow asked in a frantic voice. “I thought something had happened to you. Are you okay?”

Are you okay? Buffy hated that question. That is what people had asked her while her mother was dying in the hospital. That was the question her friends and teachers had asked her when she showed up to school with fresh bruises. Buffy just couldn’t hold it in anymore. The tears started to spill over.

“No, Will, I’m really not okay,” she started in a shaky voice. She told Willow what had happened with Angel the day Spike left. Then she told Willow what Spike’s reaction had been.

“I don’t know what to do, Will,” she cried with tears streaming down her face. “I don’t know what to do to make it right. And I know I’m going into depression again and there’s not a single thing I can do to stop it.”

“Buffy, I can talk to Spike if you want,” Willow offered.

“No!” Buffy exclaimed all too quickly. “No, it’s nice of you to offer, but this is between me and Spike.”

“Buffy if you won’t let me come visit you at least promise me that you’ll got see a doctor. I think it might help if you talked to someone.”

Buffy agreed. After she assured Willow that she would be okay, she called the agency hospital and made a doctors appointment.

Buffy got to the doctor’s office fifteen minutes before her appointment. The receptionist told Buffy that she’d be seeing Fred, who was the best doctor in the practice. Buffy worried the whole time she was waiting in the reception area. She wasn’t sure about seeing a male doctor. She still didn’t feel comfortable around most men. What if he wanted to examine her? She was about to leave when a brown haired woman came up to her.

“Are you Buffy?” she asked.

Buffy nodded.

“Hi! I’m Winifred Burkle. I’m the doctor who is going to be seeing you today.”

Buffy smiled, when she realized that ‘Fred’ was a woman and held out her hand, “Buffy Summers.”

Fred took Buffy to an examining room so that they could have some privacy.

“So, Buffy it seems that you might be going through a rough patch at the moment?” Fred robed. She noted the bags under Buffy’s eyes and her pallid face.

Buffy laughed softly, “How could you tell?”

Buffy proceeded to tell her about Spike and their separation. She also told her about her fears of depression, since she had been clinically depressed before.

“I know I loved him. I just…I just didn’t get the chance to tell him how I felt. He was trying as hard as he could and I wasn’t doing anything. I just don’t know what to do with my life right now,” Buffy said through tears.

Fred held her as she cried out her pain. Buffy felt like she was really listening and took comfort in Fred’s company. Once she was done crying Buffy looked at Fred for answers.

“Buffy, I’m hesitant to start you on any anti-depressants because I think the best cure for getting your life back together is to try to talk to Spike. If he’s as caring as you say he is, I think he’ll understand what’s going on. He’s seems like too great of a guy for you to just let him go.”

Buffy smiled, but inside she was hesitant about talking to Spike. She didn’t think she could bear getting her heart broken again.

“It just takes some time,” Fred said, knowing what was going on in Buffy’s head. “You just have to be patient. In the meantime, I’d like to run some blood tests just to make sure you’re doing okay. You said you hadn’t eaten in awhile, which can sometimes mess up your system. Have you experienced severe headaches or the shakes in the past couple of days?”

“I’ve been shaky a lot, which is normal for me when I don’t eat. I’ve also been having a lot of dry heaves at night and in the morning.”

Fred looked up startled, but Buffy didn’t notice.

“Okay, well I’ll run those tests. In the meantime you need to start eating normally again. It won’t do any good for you to end up in the hospital due to malnourishment. I know things are hard right now Buffy, but just take some time for yourself to think and get yourself through this. If you need anything don’t hesitate to call me.”

Buffy left the office feeling slightly better. Fred was very nice, but it was kind of hard for Buffy to confide in someone she didn’t know very well. She did realize that she had to start getting her life back together, especially if she was going to have a showdown with Santiago soon. On her way home Buffy went to the grocery store to get food. She also went to the gym to work out after she had eaten her first full meal in days. It felt good to be back, at least physically. That night Buffy lay in her bed, alone. She wished Spike were there so she could hold him and talk to him. There was an empty space inside of her. She couldn’t ignore the feeling of loneliness or make the feeling go away no matter how much she tried. It was driving her crazy. She hated feeling this way. She felt vulnerable and helpless at the same time. Buffy realized that she had to get Spike back; she had to get him back so she could survive. He had once promised her she didn’t have to be alone. Now the only thing that Buffy wanted was his promise to come true.

Chapter 25

Buffy had gotten into a somewhat normal routine in the past few days. She had gone back to eating three full meals a day. Every afternoon she worked with a trainer to keep her strength up. What Buffy didn’t understand was she was still getting sick all the time. She brushed it off thinking that her body was just rejecting the food she’d eaten since it her stomach had been empty for a few days.

There wasn’t a second in the day that Buffy didn’t think about Spike though. She daydreamed about how he’d just show up at the apartment apologizing for everything he’d put her through. He’d tell her he loved her and make love to her all night. But it didn’t happen. Buffy knew it wouldn’t happen. If she wanted something real to happen she knew she would have to take matters into her own hands. But at this time she hadn’t the strength or the courage to go to him.

Buffy sat staring blankly at the TV when she heard a knock on the door. Her heart rate sped up as images of Spike flashed through her mind. Had he come back to her? Buffy practically ran to the door. When she opened it her heart dropped. It was not Spike at the door, it was Fred.

“Hi, Fred,” Buffy greeted her new friend as cheerily as possible.

“Hi, Buffy. You’re looking a bit better since the last time I saw you,” Fred noted.

“Yes, eating does tend to make you feel much better,” Buffy quipped. “Why don’t you come in and sit down?”

Fred stepped into the apartment and followed as Buffy led her to the kitchen table. They both sat down.

“Buffy I came to talk to you about the test results from the blood we took,” Fred began.

Buffy’s heart started to pound. Did she have the same condition as her mother? Did she have a brain tumor as well?

“What’s wrong with me?” asked Buffy shakily.

“Oh,” Fred exclaimed, sensing Buffy’s fear. “Sweetie, there’s nothing wrong with you, don’t worry.”

This made Buffy relax a little bit.

“I do have some big news for you that I didn’t want to tell you over the phone,” Fred explained.

“Buffy, the thing that I wanted to tell is that you’re pregnant.”

Buffy face visibly paled and Fred jumped up to get her some water.

“What?” asked Buffy.

“Do you want to lie down?” Fred asked, worried when Buffy started to get the shakes.

“No,” she replied.

“How did this happen? She asked in bewilderment.

“Well,” Fred began.

“I know how,” Buffy interrupted. “I mean I had the agency’s undercover standard shot before Spike and I,” she blushed.

“I know,” Fred replied. “But Buffy the medication doesn’t go into affect full until two weeks after the shot is administered. From what I can tell you are about four weeks along. The date on your chart indicates that you were given that shot five weeks ago.”

“What am I going to do?” Buffy choked out. “Now that Spike’s gone, I-“

“Buffy, I promise you everything will work itself out. Right now I think you have to tell Spike. Buffy you don’t have to go through this alone.”

The words struck at the core. ‘You don’t have to do this alone.’ And then he had left her alone. Maybe she did have to do this alone. Maybe it was her destiny to be alone.

“Buffy I’m not leaving until I get a promise from you to call Spike. If you go into a deep state of depression, well, it’s not good for you or the baby. Buffy I’ve seen bad things happen to depressed women who are pregnant. Please promise me that you won’t do this alone.”

“I will,” Buffy said distantly, “I’ll call him.”

“I’ll leave my number with you,” said Fred handing her a piece of paper. “This is my home phone number, if you need a referral or just a friend to talk to don’t hesitate to call. Please, Buffy, I know you’ll do the right thing for you and your baby. Just follow your heart.”

Buffy stared at the phone long after Fred left. She must have reached for the receiver at least one hundred times before she decided against it. The digital clock blinked 7:00pm at her. It was 4:00pm in California. Buffy knew if she didn’t call she’d miss Spike. He was due to leave the office sometime soon. She picked up the phone and dialed with shaky fingers. Her sweaty hands slipped over the numbers so she had to start dialing over again. She was about to hang up when the phone at the office started to ring.

“Hello?” a female voice answered. Buffy wasn’t worried though. It was a female Willow voice.

“Hey Will,” Buffy said weakly. “Can I talk to Spike please?”

“Sure,” Willow said, Buffy was glad that her friend knew not to ask questions.

Willow scowled at Spike as she walked into the office and told him he had a phone call to take.

Spike looked up at her surprised. Willow hadn’t talked to him since she’d gotten back. Spike cursed himself for not leaving the office earlier. All he wanted to do was to go home and immerse himself into a bottle of Jack Daniels. He did that every night since he returned to California. He just wanted something to help him stop feeling. It hadn’t really helped though. No matter how much he drank a vision of a petite blond stayed in his head. The image mocked him as if daring him to take another swallow. He did holding the false hope that if he drank enough the image would go away. It didn’t. He just wanted his feelings to stop. He felt guilty and everyday he saw the crushed look on Buffy’s face when he’d walked out the door. He knew he’d acted rashly. He supposed it was because he thought that Buffy was too good to be true. His worst fear jumped out at him in the plaza that day. The thought of losing her. He willed himself to call her and tell her he loved her. He wanted to fly back to Florida and grovel at her feet begging for forgiveness. Every night Spike had gone back to her, but when reality stepped in, he found himself to be too weak.

Spike snapped out of the myriad of thoughts going through his head when he heard Willow clear her throat. He looked up.

“Thanks Willow,” Spike smiled at her grimly. Willow just continued scowling as she walked out.

“Hello?” Spike asked wearily.

“Spike?” Buffy asked.

Spike immediately sat up in his chair alert and worried. He knew who the voice belonged to and he longed to hold its owner in his arms. He should tell her how much he missed her.

Instead he answered, “This is Spike.”

“Spike, it’s Buffy.” There was silence. Buffy was beginning to think that she should hang up. Then she remembered what Fred had said. She had to start thinking about the baby.

“I just wanted to let you know,” she swallowed, “I just wanted to let you know that what happened before you left, it was an accident. I can understand why you left though,” she said, and then thought better. “Actually I really don’t understand why you left but that’s not the point.”

“Buffy-,“ Spike started

“Don’t,” Buffy interrupted. “That’s not what I called to talk to you about. Spike the reason I called-,“ her voice broke and she silently started crying. Spike knew she was even if he couldn’t hear her sobs because he was crying himself. Tears ran down both their faces, each wanting to be in the other’s presence, but both were unable to voice their need.

Buffy took a deep breath. “Spike, I called to tell you that I’m pregnant.”

There was a pause. Spike’s mind went blank. He hadn’t expected this at all. His mind shouted ‘Tell her you’ll catch the next flight to Miami’. But instead nonchalant words slipped from his lips.

“What do you want me to do about it?” Spike asked softly. He cursed himself as the words left his mouth, he was just shocked and he still scared from the scene he’d seen between Buffy and Angel.

Buffy’s voice hardened, “Nothing,” she started. “I don’t expect you to do anything about it- it’s my problem.”

Their hearts broke at the same time. Spike had pushed her away when Buffy needed him the most.

She swallowed her sobs, “I just called to say that love you and I-“

“Buffy?”

Spike heard a scream on the end of the line.

“Buffy?” he yelled into the phone. “Buffy, are you there?”

“Don’t worry your partner and child are in good hands,” a Latino voice answered on the phone.

“Santiago,” Spike breathed, recognizing his voice immediately.

“Yes, Mr. Giles. You and your agency thought you could trick me. You should have learned your lesson when I killed that FBI agent Darla. I was sad to see her go, for she was a good mistress. “

“Don’t you dare lay a hand on Buffy,” Spike seethed.

Santiago laughed into the phone. “You Americans falsely imprisoned my brother for eight years, and you will pay. What makes you think that I will spare your little girlfriend after the trouble you put my family through?

“I wonder how you will handle it, Mr. Giles, when one person you love is taken away unjustly? Maybe next time you make an arrest you will think more carefully.”

Before Spike could reply there was a click before he heard the dial tone.

Chapter 26

Spike practically ran over Willow as he raced out of his office. He stormed toward Giles office and Willow followed. She knew this was serious because Spike looked livid enough to kill.

“Giles, he’s got her,” Spike gasped as he burst into Giles office.

“Pardon?” asked Giles, his eyes widening when he saw the cloud of emotions crossing on Spike’s face.

“Santiago, he’s got Buffy,” Spike explained frantically.

“Oh, no I feared this would happen,” Giles sighed.

“What! You knew he was going to take her?”

“Well not per say,” Giles started. “The FBI called to tell me of the agent that got killed while under cover, I believe you met her, Darla. Anyway the government is putting a lot of pressure on us to get Santiago since he seems to be purchasing missiles from Russia in a time where we are getting closer to another Cold War. They wanted me to leave one of my agents undercover. They figured that Santiago would find the agent’s true identity and go after her. In that case we could detain him.”

“And this agent you used as bait was Buffy?” Spike asked angrily.

Giles nodded silently.

“Well, you got your wish,” Spike shouted. “He has her, and I don’t think that any cavalry is going to save her. “

“Spike, I’m sure Buffy in good hands. She’s got the eyes of our agents and the FBI around her. I don’t think that we have to interfere.”

Spike slammed down his fist. “Damn it! Giles, she’s pregnant!”

“What?” Giles and Willow asked in unison.

Tears started running down Spike’s face, “She just called to tell me and I didn’t listen to her. Now that maniac has her and we are just sitting here doing nothing.”

“Giles,” Willow stepped in, “We have to go after her. If you haven’t heard from any of the other agencies by now its obvious they aren’t planning on helping her. Santiago must have created a diversion.”

“I know what it is, too,” Spike replied. “That case you put me one Giles, the one about the prisoners who were going to try to break out of Leavenworth, it’s Santiago’s doing. That’s probably what the other agencies are concentrating on now instead of Santiago. If prisoners broke out of Leavenworth, there would be a national crisis. Santiago is probably going to attack with the missiles when the agencies have another crisis on their hands because they won’t be suspecting. Where ever Santiago has the missiles is where Buffy is.”

Willow looked around the room worriedly. “Guys we have to go now. Last time I talked to Buffy she didn’t sound well.”

Spike’s head snapped up and he turned to look at her.

“I’m not sure how fit she is to protect herself. She was pretty depressed after-,” Willow trailed off.

“After I left her,” Spike finished for her looking ashamed.

“Well, now is not the time to place blame!” Giles exclaimed in outrage, getting over the shock that no agents were backing Buffy up. Willow and Spike jumped looking surprised at his outburst.

“I’ll be damned if I lose one of my agents in the field. We’re initiating an emergency recover operation right now.”

Willow and Spike followed the newly rediscovered aggressive Giles out of his office. On his way the group encountered Angel.

“Hey guys,” He sad smugly, “Where’s the fire?” Spike stepped forward and swung a left hook into Angel’s nose. Angel howled in pain.

“That’s for hitting on my girl,” Spike told him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy wasn’t quite sure where she was located when she came to. The last thing she remembered was seeing Santiago’s face while she was talking on the phone with Spike. He must have knocked her out. Buffy felt something scratching on her hands. She looked down to see he wrists tied with rope the side of a structural frame that led from the floor to the ceiling. She found herself lurched forward as the structure she was in started to move. Water lapped against the outside of the walls on either side of her. Buffy looked around her, trying to get her bearings. Boxes stamped with ‘Imports approved for the U.S’ surrounded her.

Buffy groaned. She was on some sort of boat with a murderer. Buffy felt herself starting to lose consciences again as her vision got blurry.

‘He will come for me.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike, Willow and Giles continued to the drawing room after Spike set things straight with Angel.

Giles spread a huge map out onto the table. “We had Faith tracking Santiago’s moves. Last we knew was that Santiago was with the Vinasques in Russia. He made his trade and now he has his missiles.”

“And he was just in Florida with Buffy,” Willow piped in. “Now we just have to figure out where he’s gone.”

Spike looked at the map; he knew that there was going to be an attempt to make a jailbreak at Leavenworth right now. He had been trying to figure out which officials on the inside were helping with the break when Buffy called.

‘What would Santiago want to do with Russian missiles?’ Spike asked himself out loud. Then it came to him.

“Willow,” he commanded, “Draw up the most recent picture of Santiago’s brother from the Leavenworth security tapes.”

“Okay,” Willow complied. Spike took one look at what was on the computer to have his suspicions confirmed.

“I think I know where Buffy is,” Spike said.

Chapter 27

Spike fidgeted as he sat in the agency issued plane with Giles and Willow. They were headed towards Washington D.C. where Spike thought Santiago might be. As he had been working on the Leavenworth case Giles had given him in the past week, he had been surprised on how much information on the future jailbreak he found. Usually prisoners kept their secrets very well. It was the only shot most prisoners had to get out of captivity and be free. Spike’s suspicions were confirmed when Willow brought up the most recent picture of Santiago’s brother, Juan. Presumably by someone who worked for Santiago who looked almost identical to Juan had switched places with him. This meant Juan was now free. He must have gotten his friends in the prison to spread the rumor of a jailbreak. This would create chaos in all of the security agencies as they worked out who was in on the break. There would be many in depth investigations to make sure a jailbreak didn’t happen. Santiago had set his plan in motion when the rumor spread about the break. He had already gotten his missiles, now he could reunite with his brother and take revenge on the people who had put him in prison in the first place.

Spike hoped with all of his soul that he could get to Buffy in time. If she and the baby died their blood would be on his hands and he would never be able to forgive himself.

Giles took Spike’s hand when he noticed Spike starting to shake.

“Will,” he said gently. “Everything will work out alright.”

“I should have never left her,” Spike stated hollowly. “I should have never left her alone in the field. Giles if anything happens to her or the baby…”

“You love her, right?” Giles asked.

Spike nodded.

“Then you have nothing to fear. Love is a superior motivator compared to the hatred that fuels Santiago. If you truly love her you will find her,” Giles assured him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy moaned; her head pounding as she came to for the second time that night. Her mouth felt like it had been stuffed with cotton it was so dry. As her vision came into focus she made out a man walking toward her. Buffy struggled to get up but her hands were still tied to the supporting frame. Even if they weren’t she wouldn’t be able to stand without assistance.

“Well, Miss Summers, you have finally decided to grace us with your presence,” Santiago said as he approached Buffy’s form.

“My name is Beth Rubin,” Buffy insisted through her anger.

“Tsk, tsk, Miss Summers,” Santiago scolded. “I didn’t think that you and your agency would have underestimated me so much.”

He crouched down to her level. “I have eyes and ears everywhere.”

Buffy spat in Santiago’s face.

“Bitch!” he exclaimed as he backhanded her across the face.

Buffy struggled in her bonds to get free. If only she could get a fair advantage she knew she could best him.

“Don’t even try it,” he demanded as he pulled out a gun. Buffy immediately stopped struggling.

“My dear brother,” a man said coming up behind Santiago, “haven’t you ever been taught how to treat a lady?”

“Juan,” Buffy muttered.

Juan looked from his brother to Buffy, “Have you been talking about me?”

“How did you manage to get out?” Buffy asked trying to get more information on what the brothers were planning.

“It was simple really,” Juan started smugly. “If you pay the right price you can buy yourself a suitable replacement.”

“Be careful how much you tell her,” Santiago warned knowing what Buffy was trying to do.

“Don’t worry,” Juan replied. “In a few more hours she won’t be our problem anymore anyway. If she wants to know our plan so be it.

“You see my brother traded the Russian diamonds you gave him for missiles. You see the Vinasques were so eager to have their precious stones back in their homeland they

would have given anything. While he was trading I was getting out of prison.”

While the two were talking Buffy was busily trying to say through her restraints with the corner of the frame.

“My brother stayed in jail for eight years for a crime he didn’t commit. You Americans brag about how fair your justice system is and yet it seems to have not worked well at all.”

“Why don’t you just take Juan back to South America?” asked Buffy.

“That would be too simple,” Santiago explained. “I couldn’t let the American government get away with treating my brother the way they did. Your government was so adamant that he was guilty that he was denied the chance to appeal his case. Now they will pay dearly for their actions.”

The boat shifted and Buffy heard the missile launchers open up. Suddenly it all clicked.

“You’re going to launch the missiles,” she concluded.

“I have to admit it is a great plan,” Juan said.

“Where are we?” Buffy asked frantically wanting to know who they were going to attack. She hoped someone had figured out what the brothers were doing. How could the agencies ignore the threat Santiago posed with these missiles.

“Currently,” Santiago told her, “We are about 100 miles of the cost of Maryland.

“You’re going to bomb Washington?” Buffy shouted when she realized that was the most logical location. “Are you crazy?”

“I can’t let your government get away with what they did to Juan. You always brag that America is a free and powerful country, yet you have many faults within your borders. This might give your government an awakening that they deserve.”

Buffy had almost sawed through the whole rope she needed to keep stalling them until she got free.

“The authorities will have you as soon as you try to escape,” she told them.

Santiago laughed, “No, they won’t. Your authorities are much too occupied with trying to keep the prisoners in Leavenworth at bay that by the time they figure where the missiles came from we will be in international waters.”

“Juan!” he ordered, “Go up and make sure everything is in place for the launch. I trust our operators about as much as I trust her,” Santiago gestures towards Buffy.

Buffy had almost broken through the ropes when Juan went up to the main deck. She just needed to distract Santiago.

“How did you find out who I was?” Buffy asked.

“It was quite easy really,” Santiago bragged. “You see right before Darla, oh excuse me, Maria’s unfortunate death she called you Buffy. I couldn’t see where that name would come from so I started to investigate. When I found Riley dead after our trade, I knew that you wanted to prevent him from giving me information. I had a friend run Buffy through the agency’s database and there you were. Imagine my surprise. And then there was that little stunt you pulled at my apartment. You almost blew my plan when you found the blue prints of Leavenworth. I thought you would’ve figured out what was going on, especially with an agent tracking me. Luckily for me after a few days you hadn’t figured out my plan. You were too involved with your new boyfriend to work on the case.”

Buffy glared at the man before her, “He will come for me,” she told him.

Santiago laughed at her. “Yes, that’s why he left you by yourself in the field and went back to LA. That isn’t what I think a man would do to a woman he cares about. You know that he isn’t coming for you because he doesn’t care enough. You’re beneath him.”

Buffy was visibly seething by now. If only she could saw the damn rope through!

“But now I’ve told you too much,” Santiago sighed. “I guess I’ll have to kill you. It’s time I sent the agency a message to stay out of my affairs.”

Santiago raised his gun to Buffy’s head. A single shot fired through the air.

Chapter 28

Buffy’s hands broke loose just as she heard the shot. She winced and closed her eyes expecting to feel intense pain as a bullet tore through her. But the pain never came. She opened her eyes to see Miguel Santiago laying face down in front of her, dead from a bullet through the head. His gun rested unused at her feet.

Buffy grabbed the gun when she heard someone behind her. She stood up and pointed the gun toward the individual behind her. She expected to see Juan. Instead she came face to face with Spike.

“Buffy!” Spike cried, overjoyed that he had gotten to the boat on time. Buffy stood frozen looking at Spike as though she had never seen him before. Her hand holding the gun started to shake, but she didn’t lower her aim.

“Buffy, it’s me, Spike,” Spike started to coax her. “It’s ok you can put the gun down.”

Spike started to walk toward her, but stopped when Buffy took a step back.

“Buffy everything is fine, we disengaged the missiles and Juan has been taken care of by Willow and Giles.” Spike took another step toward her.

“Don’t come near me,” Buffy warned him. Spike heard the gun click as a bullet entered the chamber.

“Pet, why don’t you put the gun and we just talk. Nobody has to get hurt.” Spike took a chance and took another step toward her. By now they were about seven feet apart.

“Stop,” Buffy shouted at him, lowering the gun and pointing it toward her stomach.

“Buffy what the hell are you doing!” Spike yelled, panicking. The gun was now pointed toward her stomach, which held their baby.

Buffy started to cry. “I don’t think I can do this Spike. I can’t take care of a kid. I’m meant to be alone. I never wanted help from anyone, I was happy by myself.”

“Buffy you don’t have to be alone-“

“Yes I do!” she argued. “I can’t get hurt again Spike. You left and it hurt too much. I can’t go through it again. I pushed you away by not letting you in completely. I push everyone away.”

“No, you don’t Buffy, I was a complete idiot, you didn’t push me away I just made a selfish decision that I will regret for the rest of my life. I was just so scared that I was going to lose you. Buffy, I still love you. Please, luv.”

“No! You had your chance, Spike. I can’t give you what you need. You don’t deserve me,” she chocked. “I don’t have the ability to love anymore Spike. I’ve lost too much, and I- I can’t do that anymore, let alone take care a baby. I mean look how messed up I am. I can’t take care of myself let alone someone else.”

“Now hold on,” Spike’s voice, “It’s not exactly just your decision, it’s my child too.”

“And, now it’s the only reason you’re here,” Buffy put her finger on the trigger.

“No, it’s not. Buffy, please don’t do this,” Spike pleaded with her desperately. “You have so much love to give, you just don’t see it. We’re going to have a beautiful child. Please don’t leave me, I love you so much.”

“Stop it!” Buffy cried losing her resolve.

“No matter what you do I will always love you,” Spike coaxed.

“Stop,” she pointed the gun at him again, but Spike still kept walking toward her.

“I love you, Buffy.”

Buffy stepped back and dropped the gun on the ground. “Stop!”

“I love you,” Spike told her as they dropped to the ground.

He took Buffy into his arms as she sobbed she tried to resist at first, but then gave in to the comfort that he offered. Spike held her whispering, “I love you.”

Chapter 29

Spike carried Buffy into her LA apartment at early the next morning. She hadn’t said anything to him since they had left the ship and Spike didn’t push the issue, figuring she’d been through enough. He still felt guilty for leaving her alone on her own. A million what ifs went through his mind as he headed to Washington. He was still having a hard time believing that she was in his arms again. He had come so close to loosing so much. He knew that their lives would be different from now on, for the better. They had both changed so much while they lived their secret identities. They came out as different people from when they went in, but it had worked out.

After they got off the plane, Spike told Willow and Giles everything would be okay. After getting directions from Willow, Spike told his two fellow agents that he’d stay with Buffy at her apartment. It was only then that Willow and Giles finally agreed to go home and get some rest. Spike made his way to Buffy’s bedroom with her lying asleep in his arms. He set her on the bed and then lay down beside her. He held her to him never wanting to let her out of his sight again. As he drifted off to sleep he smiled when he felt Buffy sigh and snuggle into his embrace.

Spike woke up the next morning when he felt her jump off the bed and run into the bathroom. It took him a second to realize what was going on but then ran after her. He found Buffy kneeling by the toilet. He immediately got a cold wet washcloth and held it to her head while holding back her hair. He wished he could do more for her, but right now he was doing the best he could. When Buffy finished being sick she leaned limply back against Spike. Spike held her and wiped her mouth with a washcloth. She gratefully took the cup of mouthwash he offered her. When she felt ready to go Spike carried her back to her bed as he had done the night before. Still exhausted, Buffy quickly fell asleep. Spike didn’t dare move because she had wrapped her arms around his torso and was now holding him like a teddy bear. There was no place else he’d rather be.

Buffy woke to see bright blue eyes staring down at her. She sat up startled and Spike followed in suit. Buffy whipped her head around taking in her surroundings. She was definitely back in her apartment, she was sitting on her own pink silk sheets and she could smell her vanilla perfume in the air. The comfort of her home made Buffy relax a bit, but she sensed Spike staring at her intently.

“What do you want?” she asked a bit more harshly then she had meant to.

Spike bit the inside of his cheek. “Ok, I know you’re upset-”

“I don’t think I can do this Spike, you left and I hurt so much,” Buffy would’ve cried but she didn’t have the energy or the tears.

“So you’re just going to push me out of your life now, is that it?”

“Yes, I mean no, I don’t know!” Buffy shouted. “Why are you here Spike? Is it because of the baby? I can take care of myself just fine if that’s what you’re worried about,” Buffy told him. “I don’t need your help!” Buffy jumped out of the bed and headed toward the kitchen, away from him.

Spike followed her immediately.

“Bollocks,” he told her. “I’m here to see you, you bint!”

“So now you’re calling me names?”

Spike let out a groan.

“Okay, I deserve this,” he admitted.

Buffy whipped around to look at him. “No, you don’t get to play that role. You left me, Spike. I hurt so much while you were gone. And then when I called you, you didn’t even seem to care about anything I was saying. You only came down to rescue me because you felt guilty that you left me alone in the field and you had just found out I was pregnant. If you had just let him kill me we’d both have been better off.”

Buffy immediately regretted her words when she saw the storm brewing in Spike’s eyes. He started to advance on her. Buffy unconsciously stepped backward until her body hit the counter behind her. When Spike started to raise his hand Buffy flinched. But instead of hitting her like she had feared, she found herself wrapped in his arms.

“Don’t you say,” said Spike firmly. “Don’t you ever say that. I would have come after whether you were pregnant or not. I would have even come after you even if Santiago hadn’t taken you.”

“Then why did you leave?” Buffy asked, fiddling with the collar on his shirt.

“Because I was an idiot,” Spike professed. “I was so happy when I found you. You keep me one my toes. When I met you I finally realized that life does mean something. I had just been alone too long to see it, just like you. I couldn’t let myself believe that wanted to be with me. My life was going better then I ever thought it could, and then when I saw you in the plaza I panicked. I didn’t want to feel the pain it brought me to even think of you with someone else. So, I left. It was a bloody stupid thing to do, but I did it. I thought that by leaving it would shut out the pain, but it only made it worse. I knew that you wouldn’t cheat on me. I wanted to go back to you, but I left before something real happened that would hurt us both. I really do love you Buffy. I just let my imagination get away from me. I let my insecurities control my life. I really do love you, Buffy. I would even if you weren’t carrying our baby or not. Whether you realize it or not, you saved me.”

“Spike, it’s not all your fault. I pushed you away by not letting you in completely. I’m all in, William. I love you. I love you in the big, messy, passionate kind of love. I’m not going anywhere.”

Spike leaned his forehead against Buffy, smiling. “Well then we really are meant for each other aren’t we.”

Buffy tilted her head up and captured Spikes lips with hers. This time Buffy backed Spike up until he ran into the side of her kitchen table. Spike’s mind was in a daze his senses were on overload delighted, that Buffy had taken charge. It wasn’t until he felt her eager hands creep under his shirt that his mind formed a coherent thought.

Spike reluctantly pulled away from Buffy’s eager kiss.

Buffy pouted, “Why did we stop with the kissing?”

Spike chuckled, “Don’t worry, luv, we have all the time in the world, but first I almost forgot to give you something.”

Spike ran over to his duster, which was draped over the couch. He reached into the pocket until his hand encountered what he was looking for.

“I got you a souvenir while we were on our trip.” Buffy watched with curiosity as Spike ran over to his duster, which was draped over the couch. He reached into the pocket until his hand encountered what he was looking for. “I got you a souvenir while we were on our trip.” Spike walked back over to Buffy and handed her a black velvet box. Buffy looked at him, bewildered as she started to open the box. She gasped when she saw what was hidden inside. Surrounded by black velvet laid a diamond engagement ring. The setting of the ring contained an angled cut circular that was so pristine that the light shined off of its surface. Holding the diamond in place was a white gold band that had several other twinkling diamonds imbedded in it.

Buffy looked up at Spike in shock. He wore brilliant smile on his face and his eyes shown with excitement and happiness. He took Buffy’s tiny hands into his.

“Buffy, will you marry me?”

Epilogue

“I hate desk duty,” Buffy complained as her husband walked into the office.

“I know, luv,” Spike kissed his wife on the forehead.

“No, you don’t,” Buffy insisted. “You don’t have to carry around an extra person for nine months.”

“Touché,” said Spike. “But you know that you can’t be out in the field with precious cargo.” Spike leaned down and kissed Buffy’s stomach. She was eight months along and as beautiful as ever. She insisted that she looked like a hot air balloon, but Spike wouldn’t hear of it. Part of him wished that Buffy could stay this way forever but the other part couldn’t wait for their baby to come. They had both cried the first time they saw the baby on the ultrasound machine. When the doctor asked if they wanted to know the sex of the baby both Buffy and Spike agreed that they wanted to wait. On the weekends Buffy would go spend time with Willow, Tara and Anya while Xander, Oz and Spike worked on the nursery. Life was perfect

Buffy and Spike had gotten married two weeks after Spike proposed. They didn’t see the point in waiting since they had practically lived together for the past two months anyway. It was a rare occasion that you would see one without the other, unless Spike was out working on a case. When he and Buffy returned to the office after their honeymoon in the Bahamas, Spike had insisted that Buffy not go into the field. Buffy reluctantly agreed, but inside she knew it was for the best.

In the past months many things had changed. Buffy told Spike everything now. She didn’t shut him out when she got scared because she knew he would understand. She had also taken a liking of being openly affectionate. She wasn’t self conscience anymore; she wanted everyone to know that Spike was hers and how in love they were. She would shout it out to the whole world if she could. Spike in turn had learned a thing or two about the world. He didn’t see everything as black and white, like he did before. He let himself give in to the love Buffy offered him and he knew she would always be there for him, just as he was for her.

Buffy yawned and laid her head on Spike’s shoulder.

“Spike, can we go home?” she asked

“Sure, pet,” Spike replied. He helped his wife stand up out of his chair. Buffy encountered soft lips as she stood up. Spike kissed her passionately.

“I love you,” he told her, his hand resting on Buffy’s stomach.

“I love you, too,” Buffy said as she reached out to hold his hand.

Everyone looked up as they saw the couple leave the office. The couple’s happiness radiated off their bodies. It made people smile just to see them walking down the hall so content. They knew nothing in the world could touch Buffy and Spike.

“Spike, on the way home can we get some ice cream?” she asked as the walked down the hall and out of the office.

Spike smiled, “Of course, pet.”

“Will you cook me dinner?”

“Sounds good to me, pet.”

“When we get home will you give me a foot message?”

“Don’t I every night?” Spike reminded her, sounding amused. He figured since he didn’t have to carry around baby inside of him for nine months, the least he could do was to make Buffy as comfortable as possible.

Buffy smiled as she thought of something else.

“Spike, after supper will you go out in the back yard so I can use you for target practice?”

“Anything you want-

Hey! Wasn’t one time enough?”