Soulful

By Annie

05-23-2002







Buffy opened the front door, laughing at Giles’ dry humor as she walked inside, the rest of the Scoobies filing in after her.

Willow was the only one absent, resting at Xander’s flat. The past week had been incredibly hard on her, recuperating from the flaming trip down Magic- out-of-hell Road and at the same time trying to process the overwhelming loss of Tara. She was strong, though, and it had proved a pivotal part of her recovery. She was sleeping most of the time and she had a long way to go but it had been she who promptly had declared her friends having the “night off” from Wicca watching.

The Scoobies had reluctantly agreed.

The Bronze had been crowded, loud and bursting with energetic life, precisely what the gang had needed. Anya and Xander had even shared a dance and Dawn had been beaming. Of course, she had been doing that all week, with Buffy’s declaration of it being time for the younger sister’s introduction to the world still turning, post the world almost ending - again - and all.

Xander, being the last one through the door, closed it and they all turned to each other in the hallway.

“Nightcap?” Buffy asked as she turned around and walked into the living room, flicking the switch and turning on the light as she went, then freezing on the spot as her eyes landed in Spike’s.

He was sitting slumped down on the couch, a glass half full of what could only be whiskey held lazily in one hand.

He stared at her for a moment and she swallowed her surprise down, putting on an indifferent face and reminding herself how they had parted, what had taken place the last time they saw each other.

The anger and frustration in his eyes had scared her then just as much as the anger and frustration in his eyes did now, only something was different, and she could feel it.

The Scoobies were all standing dumb-founded as well, behind the Slayer, and Spike looked from her to them, his eyes growing a little as they landed on Giles.

“So, you’re back?” he asked, bringing the glass to his lips and taking a mouthful, swallowing hard before turning his gaze back on Buffy. “Congrats, Slayer,” he now said and she sighed, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Spike, what are you doing here?” she asked impatiently.

“What, can’t a bloke join in the fun?” he retorted. “Hope you didn’t mind but I already made me that nightcap…a few times over,” he added.

She just stared at him.

Spike sighed a little, looking around at them and his eyes this time stopping at the Lil’Bit who was staring at him with such a clearly hurt expression on her face, traces of disgust mixed with it, and he realized immediately that she knew…what he had almost done.

He clenched his jaws together; Buffy’s screams and pleas for him to stop tearing her clothes off hadn’t left his head for a week.

“I didn’t know where else to go,” he now mumbled and her eyebrows rose slightly.

“I can tell you a few places!” Xander suddenly exclaimed, taking a few steps forward but being stopped, by Anya.

“Xander…wait,” she said, staring at the vamp in disbelief.

He glared at her, and then looked away, tears welling up in his eyes and he tried to bite them back harshly.

“Oh my God,” Anya whispered, her eyes growing round.

“Well, go on then,” Spike growled. “Tell them the glorious news!”

Buffy stared at him, then turned questioningly to the vengeance demon who swallowed hard, eyes still on Spike.

“He… He has a…” she stuttered and broke off. “He has a soul,” she finally finished and everybody’s eyes now doubled in size as they stared in surprise at this statement, first at Anya and then at Spike.

“What?” Buffy said in a low voice, shock spreading in her eyes. “That…can’t be true,” she added, her heart starting to beat wildly at the thought.

Spike got to his feet, shaking his head and meeting her baffled expression with a mixture of pain and that anger she had seen before.

“That’s right, it can’t, can it?” he murmured, putting the glass down and walking around the table. “I was wrong to come here,” he added, brushing past her and then the others as he walked up to the front door, glancing at Dawn who was staring at him.

He smiled hesitantly at her, then nodded before opening the door and walking outside.

Buffy watched him leave.

It COULDN’T be true!

Then she turned her gaze to Anya who was looking at her with such certainty in her eyes that Buffy paused.

“A soul?” she asked and Anya nodded.

“Either that or I’m loosing my senses completely,” she confirmed and Buffy turned to the now closed door again.

Then she made up her mind and walked up to it, yanking it open she hurried outside.

“Spike!” she yelled after him, running and catching up to him on the sidewalk.

He didn’t stop, didn’t look at her.

“Spike,” she said again, keeping up with his pace. “This is… HOW did this happen? I mean, a few days ago you were… and now you’re?”

At that he stopped, turning to her, his blue eyes catching her off guard as they were brimming with tears but she met them as firmly as she could.

“Buffy,” he said hoarsely, shaking his head a little. “What I did… What I almost did… What I tried to do to you… I can’t even try to… God, I shouldn’t have come back, it was just…the demon said something that…”

“What demon?” she asked, suddenly fascinated by the drops slowly making their way down his cheeks, when she shifted her gaze to his eyes the look in them was so broken that she suddenly had a hard time breathing.

He drew an unnecessary breath, suddenly smiling at the irony of it all.

“I went to him to get the bloody chip out,” he grumbled and her eyes widened a little. “I thought that it would make these feelings go away if I could get it the bloody hell out, then I could deal with you, once and for all. I…” he looked down, almost laughing now. “I wanted to give you what you deserved.”

“Oh, so you went there so you’d be able to kill me. That’s great. Wonderful. Exactly what I wanted to hear,” she said sarcastically, still furrowing her brow slightly at the mixture of helplessness, hurt and sudden humor in his expression, not really understanding.

“Bloody hell, Slayer, I got my SOUL back!” he exclaimed, the smile on his lips dying. “Dammit, I went there to get back to my old self again and it seems I got a little bit more than what I bargained for, wouldn’t you agree?” he added and her eyebrows rose again as he looked away from her, his tears forgotten canals drying on either cheek.

She observed him for a moment.

“And…what else?” she asked silently and he sighed.

“Nothing else. The only reason I came back… All right not the ONLY reason,” he stated, swiping at his still moist eyes harshly. “But the biggest reason was ‘cause the demon said that… that this…or I said… Bloody hell!”

She felt shock and amazement tumble around with the sudden fear of what this meant.

What DID it mean?

“WHAT are you saying?” she asked now and he sighed.

“For you to ‘get what you deserve’ I had to get my bloody soul back,” he snarled. “What the hell do you think I’m saying?!”

Buffy’s eyes grew in indignation.

“So you’re blaming it on ME?” she snapped and he glared at her. “If you hadn’t been STUPID enough to go to this demon to have the damn chip REMOVED then this wouldn’t have happened!”

“And if YOU hadn’t treated me like just another body and shagged me up, down and sideways just to FEEL something I wouldn’t have blamed the damn CHIP!” he retorted, furious now.

She took a step forward, her eyes burning.

“And if YOU hadn’t been so damn willing to get into my bed you wouldn’t have been there!”

“I was NEVER in you God damn bed, Slayer!” he yelled and she screamed:

“I was speaking metaphorically, you moron!”

“Well, if YOU hadn’t made me fall in love with you then I wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place!” he stated, feeding off the anger and wanting it not to stop, it pushed back the guilt, the pain, the memories.

She really stared at him now and he suddenly realized why.

“Oh, I see,” he said, putting on the smug face that he was so accustomed to around her and smiling a little. “We’re back to the whole ‘you CAN’T love, you’re an EVIL, SOULLESS THING”, are we? Well, surprise, surprise, Slayer…”

His eyes met hers defiantly and she drew a small breath, trying to find any kind of words, ANY would do!

He huffed.

“I’m wasting your precious time, pet. Go get back to your little posse of friends and just forget you ever saw me tonight.”

With that he turned from her.

She swallowed, watching him walk away from her, again.

He…

He still…

Then she shook her head, starting to follow him.

“I’m still mad at you!” she called after him.

Spike stopped, struggling to keep the turmoil of emotions moving in his chest from clogging his brain as he heard her approaching steps behind him. He wanted to stay angry, but couldn’t. The relief of not yet having to officially step out of her life was too great for that.

He slowly turned to face her, nodding slightly to what she had just informed him of as he carefully met her gaze.

“I don’t…” she began, trailing off, then picked up again. “I don’t understand…how you could try to…” she had to stop again, beating back the tears threatening to rise at the memory of what he had done.

She succeeded and drew a steadying breath.

His eyes, however, filled quickly and he looked away from her.

“I don’t either,” he mumbled, shaking his head. “I’d take it all back if I could, and I guess that’s all I can say… ‘I’m sorry’ just… It just doesn’t cut it, does it?”

She shook her head a little as he looked at her again. His eyes were so filled with an overwhelming sadness.

Dammit! she thought. Dammit, dammit, dammit!

She cleared her throat.

“Well,” she said. “I’m mad at you for blaming ME for this situation too. It’s always like that with you, you know. Ah well, don’t think I wanna shoulder the responsibility for THIS, OH, let’s blame it on the Slayer. I mean, seriously, Spike, give me a break.”

He sighed.

“Fine. It’s all my fault…” He chuckled suddenly and she raised her eyebrows a little, drawing a breath as his eyes glittered at her. “Hell, Buffy. It IS my fault,” he said, still smiling a little.

She nodded now.

“Damn right,” she confirmed, a small smile escaping on her lips as well. “I’m glad a brain came with that soul,” she added and they both grew serious at that.

“It hurts,” he said and she felt her mouth getting dry as her chest crumpled up inside at the expression in his eyes. “It’s awful,” he added hoarsly. “And I’ve tried to drown it in liquor for a bloody week and nothing helps. It just keeps on tearing and ripping… God, all these memories I have… I should be staked, Slayer. You should just stake me and get it over with.”

Fresh tears were running down his cheeks now and Buffy stared at him for a moment. He looked so incredibly fragile, and lonely.

“I don’t know if I can take it…” he grumbled, not looking at her now.

He hated feeling this bare before her, scared of what kind of…being it would paint him as. Even more scared that she would just walk away. That WOULD break him.

Buffy hesitated a moment before taking a step forward.

When she gently placed a hand on his shoulder she could feel him stiffen slightly, for a moment it seemed he was going to cringe away from her touch.

When he didn’t she took another step forward, placing herself in front of him. He met her gaze and she frowned a little, reaching up her other hand and wiping his tears away, softly. Then she held his eyes for a moment longer before reaching up and putting her arms around his neck, pulling him to her in a tender embrace.

She could feel his whole body relax and his hands slid around her and planted themselves on the small of her back, gently pressing her close to him.

His shoulders were shaking and she realized that even though he didn’t make a sound he was crying hard, with his face nestled in her hair, buried against the side of her throat.

She closed her eyes

“It will be all right,” she mumbled soothingly.

She tried to push the countless numbers of questions she had to ask him out of her mind and concentrate on the fact of him, there, crying and exposed in her arms.

“Everything is going to be all right,” she repeated quietly.