DISCLAIMER: ‘Dear Diary...Joss was sitting in the cafeteria today! All I could do was stare at him from behind my pizza pop. He is such a dreamboat! If only he’d break up with that Mutant Enemy company and be mine! And then I could have some money from these damn stories! But he won’t, they are going steady now. I wish I was ME...’
WELL WELL WELL: You are all so greedy! lol Plus Bub is evil, threatening me with a Riley sex-story...the horror! Thank you, guys, for all your encouragement. Can I say it enough?
THE STORY CONTINUES: Spike and Buffy had sex in the Bronze. And on the table. Not to mention that incident in Giles’ tub. Ever hear of a bed you two? Anya and Xander tried to have sex. Anya and Xander argued. Willow heard stuff and didn’t need to hear any more! Spike insisted he was evil!!! Evil I tells ya! No one was scared of him. Poor Spike! Buffy asked him to join the Scoobies. Poor Spike! He pouted, and scowled, and grrr-ed, but finally agreed. It’s not like he has anything better to do...except for Buffy that is. And so, we continue!
***************************************************************************
"Tell me again why we need him here?" Xander frowned at Spike, who was smirking on the couch across from him, and turned to Giles. "Seriously, he is nothing but a neutered-"
"Hey!"
"Neutered puppy. He can't do anything useful anyways." Xander glared at the vamp and pointed at him accusingly. "Look at him. He can't even bite anymore."
Spike leaned forward and hissed, "Wouldn't bite you if you begged me."
Xander looked offended by this and sat back a bit. "So? Like I care. I know I‘m full of yummies, and I can actually still fight."
"Oh, right then, I forgot, I'm the useless one. Because you're so helpful when the fighting starts, all getting pummeled and needing rescuing. Very helpful, that." Spike said, enjoying the furious look on Xander's face, "If I ever need someone to get smacked down and knocked unconscious, I'll know who to call."
"You don't even own a phone you freeloader," Xander snapped.
Spike gave him the finger."Why don't you go and run headfirst into that wall right there and knock yourself out. Save us all some time later on." Spike found this especially amusing, and when Xander grew a strange shade of red, he almost laughed. "Giles!" Xander turned back to him in hopes of getting some back-up. Instead he found the man wearily pouring himself a glass of scotch.
"Alright you two, stop. You're giving Giles a headache." Anya patted Giles once and backed away. "He's drinking again because of you!"
Giles immediately put his glass down, untouched, before Anya started saying he was a lush. "Yes, um, thank you for that Anya." She smiled at him, pleased.
"Well, I don't want Xander all worked up over Spike again. Last time that happened he couldn't perform in bed and I was angry."
Xander choked and looked down, making Anya pound him on the back in concern. "Anya-"
"No, no, please, tell us more about Xander's...impotence," Spike said snidely.
"Well, " Anya said innocently, "One time he drank too much and-"
"Now Anya, no one wants to hear this." Xander grabbed her hand and pulled her, protesting, off the couch and into the kitchen.
Spike watched them leave, a gleam in his eye. He was still smiling when he looked up to meet Giles' annoyed look. "What?"
Giles sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Spike, just why are you here again?"
Spike stood up and paced the room. "Told you. Slayer said to come. Wants help. Gives me cash. End of story." He walked by Giles and snitched the scotch, tossing it back and replacing it.
"Hmm, well Buffy should be here shortly." Giles turned and reached for his glass. Finding it empty he frowned at the vampire who was once again sitting on his couch. Spike gave him a challenging look and he sighed again. Where the hell was Buffy?
Almost on cue, she walked in. "Ah, Buffy, there you are."
Buffy took in the scene. Giles was holding an empty glass in his hand. Spike was looking smug. Xander and Anya could be heard in the kitchen arguing. "Spike..." He looked at her, innocence itself. She sighed. “Where’s the rest of the group?”
“Willow is at her Wicca Group meeting. Xander and Anya are, erm, talking.” Giles looked at the box Buffy was holding. “Are those doughnuts? Did you get any jellies?”
“Doughnuts?” Xander said, popping his head from out of the kitchen. “By all means, allow me to rid you of your heavy burden.” He came over and took the box from her with a bow.
“And who said chivalry was dead?" Buffy handed the treats over to him, snagging a jelly before Giles hogged them all.
"Chivalry is dead?!" Anya said, shocked. "But I remember him being so nice. A little on the slimy side, being a cousin of the Chaos demon family, but he was so....polite."
Xander paused in mid-chew and looked at her. "It's a saying honey. Like 'the doctor is in' or 'your payment is overdue'."
Spike reached for a doughnut and frowned. “There’s only the cruller left,” he complained. “Why would you even buy that one? No one wants to eat something shaped like a giant tractor wheel.”
“Right, cause eating something shaped like a giant human makes so much more sense,” Xander said sarcastically. Spike gave him a once over look.
“Are you coming on to me Harris? All this talk about my eating preferences is starting to make me feel a little uncomfortable.” His voice dropped, confidingly. “Is there something you need to say to me? Demon-gal just not doing it for you anymore and you need a real man? Cause, as far as I see it, I’m the only real man here.”
“Hey!” Xander and Anya said at the same time. Anya stroked his shoulder soothingly.
“Xander is all man, I’ll have you know. He can have sex anywhere, and anytime! Why, we had sex just an hour ago outside in the-”
Giles coughed. “Let’s not finish that sentence. Please. And, for the record, I’m the man here, you are all just children. Even you, Spike,” he added as Spike opened his mouth.
Buffy came into the middle of the room, annoyed. “Ok, can we all drop it? I’m getting the wiggins with the sex talk and the manly talk.” She shuddered. “Besides, I have some good news.”
“Oh yeah? I like good news.” Xander leaned forward, arms on his knees. “Fess up Buff. What’s the what?”
Buffy took a deep breath and gave a small smile. “Spike is joining the Scoobies.”
Dead silence.
“Well, that’s good.” Anya beamed at Spike, first to say anything. “Now you can patrol instead of Xander and we can have more time together. To have sex,” she added, in case no one knew what she meant. Spike grimaced.
Xander didn’t even blink. “What do you mean he’s-” he made finger quotes in the air, “’Joining’ the group?”
“Joining,” Buffy said. “You know, joining? Like, helping? Fighting along side with us when we patrol?” Xander stared at her, blankly.
Giles stepped forward. “I for one think it’s a marvelous idea.” Spike leaned forward from the couch. “Even if it is Spike.” Spike sat back again.
“Wait.” Xander stood up, flustered. “You mean to tell me I have to see him every night?”
“Oh please, like you don’t see me every night in your dreams anyways.” Spike scoffed, studying his nails. Xander lunged at him, knocking the two of them to the floor. “Oi! Cut it out! Stop touching me you pervert!” he yelled as they rolled about, holding Xander‘s arms so he couldn‘t hit him. Someone’s foot hit the end table and a lamp crashed down, smashing loudly. Giles sighed.
“This is going much better than I expected,” Buffy said.
Willow chose this moment to walk in, followed closely by a girl Buffy had never seen before.
“Will!” Buffy called over the racket, and waved her over. Another crash and a table tipped.
“Buffy, hi!” Willow came over, avoiding the tangle of limbs yelling curses at each other. “What’s going on?” She pulled her friend over by the hand. “Oh, uh, this is Tara.”
Some records slid off the shelf and Giles started towards the fighters, eyes cold.
“Oh oh,” Buffy said. “Hold that thought please.” She went over to Xander and Spike just in time to see Spike pull back and punch Xander in the face, hard. The two collapsed in pain simultaneously. She grabbed each one by the scruffs of their necks and threw them onto the couch. “Sit! And shut up.” Turning, she went back to Willow and her friend.
“Tara, hi, so nice to meet you.” She shook her hand and Tara ducked her head shyly.
“I’ve heard so much about you,” Tara whispered, giving the group a small smile.
Giles came over. “Hello. And we’ve heard so much about you,” he answered, polite as ever.
Anya scoffed. “We’ve never heard of her, what are you talking about?” The room fell silent and looked at her. She looked back blankly. Her eyes widened. “I mean...ohhh...yes!” She gave Tara a blinding smile. “We’ve heard so much about you too!”
“Tara is a Wicca too.” Willow jumped in before Anya said anything else. “A very powerful Wicca!” Tara looked embarrassed and shook her head.
“Oh! N-no, I’m n-not all that powerful.” She looked at Willow, eyes proud. “Willow is the one with the power. I could never be as strong as she is.”
The group looked at Willow in surprise.
“Powerful?” Anya asked, puzzled. “What do you me-” Xander cleared his throat. Anya shut up and gave another bright smile instead. “Good for you!”
Spike looked at the two girls standing beside each other and smirked despite the throbbing in his head. “So? You two practice the arts together do you?"
Willow nodded, completely missing his insinuation. “Today we found out if we combined our powers we can do so much more! Instead of floating a stupid pencil, we levitated ourselves! Tara is amazing!” Tara blushed at the compliment and looked down, hair falling over her face a little.
Spike snorted. “Hmmm...sounds very feminist. Go girl power.” Buffy frowned at him and he rolled his eyes but shut up.
Giles looked interested and motioned towards the couch for them to sit. “Please, make yourself comfortable. Tea?” he asked. He moved towards the kitchen, his foot stepping on a record with a loud crunch. “Oh dear lord.”
Xander looked down. “Zenyatta Mondatta?”
Giles glared. “Yes. The Police. Only the greatest band to ever come out of England.” He looked at the shards beneath his feet and rubbed his glasses furiously.
“The Police?” Xander said. “What did they do?”
Spike gave a laugh. “You don’t know their work? ‘Every Breath You Take?’” He looked meaningfully at Buffy, eyes intense. “A song about true love?”
“That’s a stalker song, not a love song,” Anya said. “Sting told me so.”
“You met Sting?” Xander asked, excited.
“Oh. Yes.” Anya shrugged. “He’s a demon. We used to hang out sometimes.”
Buffy gasped. “Sting’s a demon?”
Anya looked surprised. “Well, of course he is. How do you think he stays so young looking? Not to mention so successful after going solo. I mean, his first few albums were good, but after that only magic could make people actually buy his stuff.”
Giles swept up the shattered remains of his album and stood up. “Well, never the less, now we have two new additions to our group. I’d say we are getting rather powerful. A Watcher, “ He smiled, motioning towards himself, “The Slayer, two witches, an ex-demon, a vampire and...erm...” He looked at Xander. “You.”
Willow looked at Giles. “We have a vampire?” She looked around, nervously. “Is Angel back?”
Spike jumped up. “No, the nancyboy is not back. He’s talking about me.” He stood in front of the two witches and grinned. “Meet the newest addition to your little party.”
DISCLAIMERS: I am Joss! I own it ALL. I came up with all the characters and the company and the story and the movie...but the stupid production company ruined that gravytrain, now didn’t it? I also own Spike. He lives with me. We are in love. Hell, ALL the characters live with me. Oh, hold on, the nurse says it’s time to take my meds...what? Oh, ok. She also says I’m not Joss. Hmmm. It seems I am a little delusional. It seems I own nothing. This sucks. I’m going back to my happy place. *door slams, footsteps walk away*
THANK YOU: Heh, you keep pulling me back in every time I think I am gonna stop. It’s like heroin. Well, I assume it’s like heroin. Without those nasty track marks. Anyhoos, thanks again and again, I adore your reviews. I adore your comments. I adore YOU!! Oh, I also love Sting...he is a nummy treat. I miss The Police :(
THE PREVIOUSLIES: Spike and Xander argued. Spike and Xander fought. Spike and Xander broke things. Giles sighed. A lot. Wow, I just made a rhyme there, lookit me go! Yay me! Giles’ best album ever got stepped on. By him. Poor Giles! Buffy told the gang Spike was joining the Scoobies. Willow brought Tara over. Oh, that Tara! She is so cute! Anya worked on her manners some more. Willow was worried that Angel showed up again. Man, I’d be worried too, all that brooding is never good. Spike informed her that he was the newest addition to the group, which is technically wrong, cause Tara is the last to join. Poor Spike! Summer is here and school is out. Now, the gang is returning form their first patrol together. And so, the nuttiness continues...
************************************************************************
“That went well.” Spike said happily. He’d killed three vampires alone and the adrenaline rush was still making his blood sing.
Buffy stopped and stared. “Are you insane? That wasn’t well! That was beyond terrible. Willow got cut, Tara has a bloody nose, Giles sprained his wrist and Xander was knocked out.”
“I know that, I’m bloody well carrying him, aren’t I?” Spike shifted the dead weight over his shoulder. “Stupid git.” He said, motioning to Xander’s feet.
Anya followed Spike closely, worried to death over her Xander. “We need to wake him up. He’s been out for a while now.”
“Maybe if we shook him,” Willow suggested, wincing. The cut on her ribs stung. Tara looked at her from around the cloth on her nose, concerned.
Anya leaned in close to Xander’s ear. “XANDER! WAKE UP!!” He didn’t move a muscle.
“I said shake, not shout,” Willow said. Buffy came over, still trying to wipe off some of the Granklin demon’s blood off of her new leather coat.
“Put him down, Spike,” she said.
“Gladly,” Spike growled, letting Xander slide carelessly to the ground with a thud.
Buffy leaned over and shook Xander violently. “Xander! Wake up!” His eyes fluttered, head lolling around. “Xander!”
“Oh! I think he’s coming around.” Anya looked relieved. “I don’t want a broken boyfriend, although I would still stay with him forever, even if he couldn’t perform in bed. Because I love him!” she finished triumphantly. The group stared, not sure if they should be touched or not. Spike made a face, definitely on the not side of the fence.
“I’m up, I’m up,” Xander muttered, batting his hand in front of his face. “Tell me which way it went!” He stood up unsteadily, Anya clutching his arm protectively. “Did I get it?” He took in the various injuries around him and sighed. “Guess not.”
“It’s dead, and I’m beat.” Buffy took off her ruined coat and looked at it sadly. “My coat’s dead too.”
“Buffy?” She looked over to Tara, who was hovering anxiously over Willow. “She’s still bleeding.” Buffy ran over to her friend.
“Will! Let me see.”
Willow slowly pulled her hand away from her side, and a small gush of blood appeared. Spike perked up, looking over.
“I’m taking you to the hospital,” Buffy said firmly. Spike leaned in above her and she bumped into him as she stood up.
“Oh! No, no, I’m fine. Hospital is definitely not needed.” Willow stood up straight, almost banging into Spike who was still hovering around the girls. Buffy gave him a look, but kept silent. “This is a scratch, less than a scratch really. More like a bloody kinda papercut. It’s nothing that a simple binding spell can’t fix.” She waved her hand over her skin in a slow circle, muttering. The area glowed briefly and slowly closed. The cut disappeared and she smiled triumphantly. “See?”
The group looked impressed. Spike looked disappointed.
“Wow, Wills, that was amazing.” Buffy shook her head in surprise. She frowned a little and leaned closer. “Is that my new top?”
“Um, what?” Willow closed her coat and stood up. “Who’s for cappuccinos?” Tara raised her hand and the two witches grinned at each other.
“Count me asleep,” Buffy said. “The only thing I can think of right now is bed.” Spike perked up again.
“I do believe I am going home.” Giles held his wrist gingerly. “I think I’ve had enough excitement for tonight.”
Spike looked at him. “Yeah, it’s about ‘Calgon, take me away!’ time, eh Rupert?” He smoothed the sides of his coat and sniffed. “Well, I’d have to say the lot of you are damn lucky I came along. I don’t know how you all have stayed alive all this time.”
“And yet, we somehow managed to foil every single one of your plans,” Xander said sarcastically. “So what does that say about you?” Spike looked at him.
“It does the heart good to see you are still keeping up your end of the gang, with the smackdown and the beddy-bye routine. Not to mention the being carried out like a great woman.” Spike sighed and looked upwards. “Or maybe it was all a great ruse and you are hiding your wonderful superpowers until the time is just exactly right.”
“Spike?” Buffy said sweetly. Spike turned. “Shut it.”
“Yeah, shut it,” Xander chimed in, still holding his head.
Giles rubbed his temples tiredly. “As much as I would love to stay and listen to this wondrous battle of wits, I’m off.” He nodded to the group and started walking towards his new car. “Need a ride anyone?”
“Ooh! The shiny red car with no top! I’m in!” Willow followed him. Tara looked at her and gave the others a small smile.
“I’m with Willow,” she said quietly and followed. Spike snorted.
“You sure are, darlin’” he murmured, watching the girls walk away. Perking up, he turned to see the others staring at him. “What?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Xander asked. Spike raised his eyebrows.
“The two peas in a pod over there? Oh, don’t tell me you don’t know!” He looked at the three in front of him. “Oh, come on!”
“You mean the fact that they're gay?” Anya asked, bored with the conversation already. Xander gasped.
“What?! No, no, Willow is so not gay! She and I had a thing! No gayness there!”
Buffy frowned. “If Willow was dating Tara she would’ve told me. We’re best friends.” Spike looked at her in mock-agreement.
“And best friends tell each other everything, don’t they?” he said to her, eyes wide. Buffy looked nervous.
“That’s right!” Xander interrupted, pointing wildly. “That’s right! We are all best friends, and we tell each other everything, and if Willow went all gay then she’d tell us, cause we’re her very best friends. Right Buff?” he asked, face worried.
“The bestest,” Buffy answered, looking guilty.
Anya rummaged through her purse and pulled out her compact. “Maybe she hasn’t found the right time to tell you all yet.” She studied her face in the mirror closely. “Or maybe she isn’t sure what their relationship is yet.”
“Yeah!” Buffy said, looking right at Spike. “Maybe she isn’t sure yet.”
Spike shrugged, eyes never leaving hers. “Or maybe she’s too chicken.” She glared at him.
“Or maybe she thinks we wouldn’t understand, which is just silly, because it is perfectly normal to have feelings. Who cares who it’s for? Xander and I have feelings, right Xander?” Anya smiled and gave him a little squeeze, making him yelp.
“Oochie, sore spot An.” He pulled away , rubbing his bruised ribs.
“Poor baby, come on, let’s go home. I’ll make you feel all better,” Anya said soothingly.
“Yeah, ‘Nurse Anya’ can heal you up right quick,” Spike said. He grinned evilly, and went over to Buffy. “Ready to go too, pet?”
Xander looked at them. “What do you mean, ‘too’? You live that way, so vamoose.” He pointed north.
“Yeah, but I left all my toiletries at the Slayer’s when I was staying there. I just can’t fall asleep unless I’ve brushed and flossed thoroughly.” Spike said, sarcasm dripping freely.
“Buffy, please, please tell me he isn’t still staying at your place,” Xander begged, looking ill. “I don’t think I can take it after the whole Willow theory. Cause, me and her, we had a thing, in high school...”
“We all know, Xander!” Anya looked mad now. “Why do you keep bringing it up? Is it because you're jealous?” She held her stomach, glaring at him. “Oh great, now something’s wrong with me. I have a funny pain in my tummy.”
“Yeah, I get that every time I think of Xander too,” Spike said sympathetically.
Xander touched Anya’s shoulder. “I’m sorry An. You just feel anger and jealousy...no! Wait, not anger. Never with the anger. Anger leads to hate and hate leads to vengeance and vengeance leads to bad things...which is never a good thing.” He gave her a hug. “Let’s go bandage me up, and then we can make up.”
“You mean, make-up sex?” Anya asked. “I like that.” Xander shot a look over towards the other two.
“Ok.” He grabbed her hand.
“Bye!” Anya called over her shoulder.
Spike and Buffy watched the two of them run off. “Ugh. If that wasn’t the most disgusting display,” Spike groaned. “I have a funny feeling in my gut now too.” His eyes lit up and he gave Buffy a soft look. “Wanna feel it, make sure it’s nothing too serious?”
“Spike...” Buffy smiled a bit at the puppy-dog look he was giving her. “Cut it out. I’m beat, and my shower is calling my name, followed closely by my bed.” She turned towards home.
“Sure Slayer, whatever you say.” Spike fell into step beside her, silent. They walked together through the neighborhood until Buffy’s house came into view, making Spike stop. “Well then, good night.”
Buffy looked at him, surprised. “Where are you going? I thought you were still staying, uh, here.” She shrugged, looking a little embarrassed.
“Buffy...” Spike said, softly. “I’m all better now, and should be at my crypt, not freeloading off the Summer’s women. I just wanted to walk you home.” He shuffled his feet a bit, obviously uncomfortable with admitting that. Then, giving her a little smile, he went to leave.
“Spike, wait!” He stopped and looked at her. “I think you should stay a little longer...for...protection.”
“Protection?” His leer let her know she was anything but safe when he was around.
Buffy nodded. “Yeah, it’s good to have someone else in the house, a male figure, and I sleep better knowing you are in the room next to me.”
“Do you now?” Spike whispered, stepping close to her. She swallowed and nodded slightly. “Well then, you’ve got yourself a watchdog.” He took her hand and pulled her to the house as fast as he could. “C’mon, let’s go inside, there’s something this doggie needs to show his bitch.”
“Bitch?” Buffy laughed, trying to sound offended. “Are you calling me names, and after I invited you to stay the night?” She was still laughing when they came through the door and found Joyce sitting in the living room, reading. They quickly dropped their hands, looking like guilty schoolchildren.
“Oh, hello you two.” She smiled. “How was patrol?”
“It was okay. A few injuries, but nothing major,” Buffy said, taking in the coffee and worksheets laid out on the table. “Burning the midnight oil?”
“Oh, just some leftover paperwork I need to finish up by morning.” Joyce sighed. “Boring numbers that needed adding, but I‘ll be done soon. How about you two?”
Buffy looked at Spike. “Oh, we were about to turn in.”
“Alright, sweet dreams then.” Joyce returned to her papers, frowning slightly as she read. Buffy reluctantly went upstairs.
“Night Joyce.” Spike said, and followed her, grabbing her the moment the were in the hallway. “Mmmm, c’mere Slayer.”
“No, Spike, are you crazy?” Buffy pulled away, eyes wide. “Mom’s still up, she’ll hear!” Spike buried his head in her hair and groaned.
“You’re killing me here Buffy,” he muttered.
Buffy gave him a quick, shy kiss on the cheek. “Night Spike,” she said and closed her door in his face softly, smiling as she heard his head hit the frame in defeat. Going into the bathroom she stripped off her blood-splattered clothes and dropped them in the garbage. Another perfectly good outfit goes to fashion heaven. I should just give up entirely and patrol in sweats.
She turned on the shower, hot, and stepped in, sighing at the luscious feeling of the heat against all her little aches and pains, sticking her head in under the spray. And almost died from shock at the feel of a cool hand against her shoulder.
“God!” She clutched at her heart. “What is with the ‘Psycho’ routine? Are you trying to give me a heart attack?” Spike smiled slowly at her.
“Sorry luv.” His eyes traveled up her body, enjoying the sight of her all wet and glistening. She suddenly seemed to remember she was naked and grabbed the shower curtain, covering herself modestly. Water sprayed everywhere. “Hey!” He yanked the curtain back and grinned some more at the tasty sight.
“Spike!” Buffy hissed, grabbing the washcloth and holding it up to various places at a time, “What're you doing? I said we couldn’t do anything if Mom’s up!”
“Well, Mum’s gone to sleep now, and I promise to be very, very quiet.” Spike slid his clothes off and stepped into the shower. “Mmmm, Slayer, aren’t you a lovely treat.”
Buffy slid her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a long kiss. Their tongues stroked slowly, their mouths almost gentle. Spike’s body was flush against hers, pushing her up against the wall, strong hands lifting her up against him. His fingers trailed down her inner thigh and she shivered wherever they touched. His mouth dropped to her breasts, nipping and stroking with teeth and lips. Buffy moaned softly and his hand came up and covered her mouth, making her moan again in excitement.
“Hush now,” Spike whispered in her ear, sucking on the lobe. The feel of his hand against her, and his mouth doing magical things to her sensitive skin was driving her wild. The fact that she could moan as much as she wanted and he would muffle it made her knees weak. She bit his hand, hard, and he hissed with pleasure. “Bad girl,” he murmured and thrust two fingers inside her, making her shudder and gasp.
Spike panted as he moved his hand against her, watching her face as she whimpered and squirmed in time to his touches. She looked so unbelievably desirable, face pink from the steam and her arousal, skin silky and wet, the water spilling on her in sheets. He worked her tenderly, making it last this time, loving the way her legs trembled, the way she sucked on his palm, how her eyes burned into his when they looked at each other, how her small hands clenched with such strength. And when he felt her start to spasm against his fingers, her heat scorching him, he pulled his hand away from her lips and drank in her pleas with his mouth, savoring every whispered word and gasp.
Buffy rested her head on Spike’s shoulder, shuddering, knowing that if she tried to stand she would collapse. Her entire body shook weakly from the aftershocks. She twisted a bit and he stepped back slightly, just enough to let her start to slide down the length of his hard body. Looking up, she saw a surprised expression on his face as she knelt before him. The surprise turned to absolute bliss as she took him in her hand and ran down his length, squeezing gently as she traveled back up to the tip. Looking straight into his eyes, she took him into her mouth, sucking strongly, hand pumping. Spike’s mouth dropped open.
“Buffy.” It came out as a strangled gasp, almost a plea. His hands came down to rest on her head, fingers wrapped in her wet hair. She worked him, first fast and hard, and then slowing down to an almost painfully slow caress. She did it over and over again until he was almost weeping from pleasure and frustration, hands clenching in her hair.
“Please.” He choked, unable to take it anymore. “Oh god, Buffy, please.”
She relented and pumped steadily, moving her hand and mouth in time, taking as much of him as she could. He arched his back slightly, eyes screwed tight, gasps almost torn from his mouth as he came.
Buffy felt his hands tugging her and she stood up again. “Jesus Buffy,” he whispered, kissing her deeply, holding her tight.
“So, that was ok?” she asked, suddenly hit with a case of shyness. He pulled back and looked at her in amazement.
“Ok?” He laughed softly. “Oh, bloody hell.”
“What?” She pouted now, turning her burning face into the water. It was cooling off and it felt wonderful against her over-heated skin. Spike reached over and turned the water off. Lifting her out, he wrapped her up in the towel and carried her into the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed with her in his lap.
“You’re serious?” he asked. She shrugged, head down. He tugged her chin, bringing her mouth over, and gave her a tiny kiss. “That was the greatest gift you could ever give me,” he whispered, blue eyes sincere. “And it was much more than ‘ok’.”
Buffy put a serious expression on. “Oh, good, cause all the guys down at that frat party said I was ok, but needed practice...” She giggled at Spike’s expression. “Um, kidding?”
“I knew that,” Spike said.
“You so thought I was serious!” Buffy puffed out her bottom lip, making Spike’s thoughts return to twenty seconds ago. She raised her eyebrows at him. “Again?”
“It’s your duty as the Slayer.”
“Buffy?”
They both froze.
“Mom?” Buffy said, trying to make her voice sound as sleepy as possible.
Joyce stood in the hall outside Buffy’s room. “I’m sorry to bother you honey, but I’m out of shampoo and I really want to take a shower. Can I borrow yours?”
“Just a minute!” Buffy called. She turned to see Spike standing in the middle of the room, stark naked, panicked. “Out!” she whispered. He looked at her.
“What?” He stared at her blankly. She ran over and grabbed his clothes, thrusting them into his arms, and pushed him to the window.
“Out!” she repeated. “Go out the window. You can get into your room by climbing right over the roof to the opposite side.” The doorknob rattled and she gave him a shove, sending the naked vampire out. He poked his head back in, planted a hard, quick kiss on her, and disappeared.
Buffy unlocked her door, clutching the towel tightly. “Sorry Mom, musta fell asleep when I laid down after my shower.” Joyce smiled and went into the bathroom, coming out just in time to hear Spike’s steps on the roof.
“Did you hear that?” She looked up, puzzled. “It sounded like...scrabbling.”
Buffy looked at her, face blank. “Squirrels.”
DISCLAIMERS: Last night, as I bubble-bathed it up with Joss, I brought up the subject of BTVS. “Oh, let’s not talk about that, shall we?” He sighed, smiling at me, sipping his champagne. “But, it’s so full of angst, and the writing was rather poor this season.” I complain, eating a handful of chocolates. “We need some fun...and maybe you should have Spike more naked.” “But we’ve already got him down to just a sock!” He whines, really putting a damper on ‘the mood’. “If you don’t like it why don’t you write a story?” I shrugged. “Fine.” As I got out of the Jacuzzi Joss screamed after me, furious, “You do realize that you get NOTHING from Mutant Enemy!!!” Geeze, those veins really stand out when he gets mad.
THANKS: Seriously, to all of you who enjoy this silly little ditty of a story, thanks! If you laugh at least once during each chapter I put up then I am a happy monkey.
LAST TIME, ON DR. MR. MONKEYBOTTOMS, MD: “I need twenty cc’s of blood! STAT!” Dr Mr. Monkeybottoms cried, looking at the gorgeous vampire laying unconscious on the gurney. “And for the love of god, someone hand me some scissors! This man’s shirt needs to be removed! STAT! Out of my way, Doogie!” Or... not... Actually, first patrol went rather poorly, what with all the injuries and ruined clothing and so forth. Spike insulted Xander as much as possible. Willow borrowed Buffy’s top. Whoopsie. Xander and Buffy were surprised to hear of Willow’s new-found gayness. We all were, though, weren’t we? I mean, gay? Come on, we all know it’s called bi-sexual, but hey, just try to talk about that on a posting board! Can you say taboo subject? I sure can. Buffy went home and showered with Spike. Whoa! Buffy shoved a naked Spike out her window. Is it just me, or does Buffy have a thing for windows after sex? Joyce heard a giant squirrel demon on the roof. HA!
************************************************************************
The doorbell rang at the Summer’s residence and Xander poked his head inside. “Hello? Anyone awake?” Joyce poked her head out from around the corner.
“Oh, good morning Xander. Come in.” She said, going back into the kitchen. “You’re out and about early. How about some coffee?” She waved her hand towards the fresh pot. Xander shook his head.
“Thanks Mrs. Summers, but I’m off anything that resembles adulthood. Strictly pop and chocolate milk for me from here on in. Oooh! Are those Pop Tarts?” He grabbed one out of the box and tore the cellophane open. “Now these, these are a delicacy.” Joyce watched as he bit into it with vigor. “Where’s Buffy?” Xander asked, mouth full. A few crumbs escaped to the counter and he dabbed at them with his finger.
Joyce grabbed the J-Cloth. “She’s still upstairs.” She said, wiping. “Exercising.”
“Exercising?” Xander said around the Pop Tart.
“Exercising.” Joyce repeated. “Probably doing her aerobics, or her Step, I heard her banging around when I was getting dressed.” She smiled and picked up the purse. “Why don’t you go let her know you’re here? I’m off to work. Tell her I’ll be home around six.”
Xander took another pack of Tarts out. “Sure.” Giving Joyce a wave as she left, he slowly made his way to the stairs, tearing the package open and taking a huge bite. Mmmm...chemical strawberry goodness. He came up to Buffy’s room, pausing for a moment outside her door. She was definitely working hard, he could hear her panting and a rhythmical pounding. Must be the Reebok step, he thought. Giving the door a quick knock, he opened it and stepped inside.
“Hey Buff, I-” His eyes bugged out, Pop Tart spewing everywhere.
Buffy frantically grabbed at the fallen sheets, covering her sweaty, naked form. “Xander!”
Spike frowned. “Buffy...”
Xander choked some more. “Spike!”
Spike rolled his eyes. “Xander.”
“Spike!” Buffy said, warningly.
Xander stared. “Buffy!”
Spike stood up, fishing his pants out from under the bed. “All right, I think we’ve had enough with the introductions.” He said cockily and pulled his pants on, zipper loud in the shocked silence of the room.
“YOU!” Xander said accusingly. He came forward, grabbing Buffy’s stake from the dresser. “You! Are! So! Dead!” Spike took one look at the stake and backed up.
“Whoa! C’mon now, no need for that. Put the stake down, mate.”
Buffy smacked him as he backed away from the weapon. “You said you locked the door!”
“Yeah, um, can we talk about this later, luv?” He ducked the swipe Xander took. “Listen! Harris! Don’t do something you’re gonna regret!” He jumped over the rumpled bed. “Or are you just so enamored of me that the smallest glimpse of my naked body has you all hot?”
“Shut up you sick freak!” Xander circled the bed slowly, looking for an opening to attack.
“Xander! Stop it.” Buffy tried to pull the sheet off to wrap around her, but it was tangled on one of Spike’s feet. She yanked hard and Spike fell. “Oops! Sorry!” Abandoning the covers, she grabbed for her clothes instead, dropping the sheet far enough that most of her upper body was exposed.
“I can’t believe this!” Xander shouted, pointing the stake at Spike, coming over for the kill.. “I can’t believe you’d take advantage of Buff...” He trailed off, noticing her naked state. “Buffy!” He turned away, even more mortified. “Averting eyes! Averting eyes!”
Spike took the opportunity to tackle him while he was distracted, knocking the stake across the room. They both fell heavily. “Dammit!” He seized his head, groaning.
Xander sat up slowly, winded from the fall. Buffy came over, dressed now, and kneeled next to him. “Xander? Are you ok?” He nodded. “Good.” She said, and slapped him across the face. “That’s for barging into my room and trying to stake Spike.”
“Ow!” Xander shook his head, dazed.
“Heh, serves you right, trying to dust me, interrupting-” Spike was cut off by a slap too.
“That’s for not locking the door.”
“Hey!” Spike rubbed his head. “Let’s show a little sympathy for the guy who almost got staked, shall we? Not to mention the migraine!” Xander scoffed.
“The only person who needs some sympathy is me! I’m the one who had to see...” He shuddered, “You naked.”
“And Buffy.” Spike reminded him.
“And Buffy-no! Wait!” Xander flushed as Buffy glared at him. “NO! No naked Buffy, I swear! I didn’t see anything, and I definitely didn’t see nipples or breasts, or, or...anything. No, I looked away when the sheet was all, erm, down.” He turned and punched Spike in the face, furious. “You slept with Buffy!”
Spike reared up and punched him back, hard. Xander's nose gave a loud crunch and blood splattered, but Spike was too busy writhing on the floor in extreme pain to appreciate it.
“That’s it, I’m tying you both up.”
Ten minutes later, the two of them were trussed up like chickens for the roasting, sitting downstairs on the couch together. Buffy stood before them, arms crossed.
“There. That should keep you to from killing each other.”
Xander wiped his nose on his shoulder, leaving a bloody smear. “Buffy, this is ridiculous. I’m the good guy! Untie me.”
“Untie us.” Spike said.
“No. Not him. Do not untie him. Stake him.” Xander muttered, seeing Spike looking at him from the corner of his eye.
“I’m gonna stake the both of you if you don’t shut up.” Buffy said, sitting down and rubbing her temples. “Now I know why Giles does this so much. You are such a load of babies!”
“Speak for the whelp here.” Spike said, still staring at Xander. He inched closer.
“Would you...okay, stop it! Buffy! He’s trying to lick me!” Xander scooted away from the vampire. “Get away from me you bloodsucker!” Spike looked up, innocence incarnate.
“What? I wasn’t going to hurt him! Just a little, erm, taste, you know...” He trailed off, seeing Buffy’s face. “Well, what do you bloody expect? He’s dripping like a bleeding faucet! It’s driving me crazy!”
“Ok, that’s just sick.” Xander shoved Spike with his shoulder. “Move over there, Blondie!”
“Make me, Twinkie.” Spike shoved back. The chip didn’t go off and he grinned. “Ha!” They both started shoving, arms still bound behind their backs, shoulders pushing.
“Cut it out!” Xander panted, head in Spike’s shoulder.
“You cut it out.” Spike leaned over, almost on top of Xander.
“Oh my god.” Buffy groaned, watching the display. “What...are you two both three years old?” They ignored her, still fighting. Xander somehow managed to wriggle his way out from under Spike and rolled on top of him.
“Steamroller!” He yelled. Spike grunted.
“Get off you great oaf.” Spike started to headbutt him, unable to get much strength behind it, but giving it a game try.
“Stay away from me you letcher!”
“You’re the one on top of me.” Spike pointed out, face down on the couch now. “Maybe you’re enjoying it a little too much, huh? A little limp in the wrists?”
Xander struggled back a bit. “I am not gay!” He said. Then, remembering the fact that his best friend very much might be gay, he backpedaled. “Gay is fine. For other people. Just not for me. I am one hundred percent man!” He jumped on top of Spike again, landing as hard as he could on his kidneys. Spike let out a yell.
“That’s it! You’re both insane!” Buffy ran over and grabbed both of them by the ear, holding them still, ignoring the ow ow owowowow’s coming from them. “I’ve had more than enough of-”
She cut off, surprised by the arrival of Willow, Tara, Giles and Anya. The two groups stared at each other in surprise, silent.
“Um....” Willow raised her eyebrows at Buffy, who still had her fingers gripping their ears. “Buffy?”
Anya’s eyes were wide. “Are you playing sex games with Xander! Xander’s mine! He is only allowed to play bondage with me! I believe I was very clear about that!”
“No! No sex games, and definitely no, uh, bondage.” Buffy let go and they both sank to the ground in relief.
Giles came over and sat down, ignoring the two neatly tied packages laying on the floor. “Buffy, I thought we could go over some new strategies for tonight’s patrol. Willow and Tara wanted to co-ordinate some magic into the attacks.”
“Hello? Person tied on the floor here.” Xander said.
“Buffy, do untie the boys. We have work to do.” Giles frowned slightly, flipping through a book.
Tara sat down next to Giles, eyes wide, sipping an Evian. She watched as Buffy reluctantly untied the two on the floor. Xander jumped up wildly, free at last.
“Is that water!?” He grabbed the bottle from Tara’s hands and franticly began pouring it over his face. “Oh, thank god, the sweet relief! Must wash eyes!” He blinked madly.
“Xander, what in the world...?” Anya came over, as speechless as she ever got.
“Give it a rest Harris.” Spike stood up slowly, stretching.
“Why are you topless?” Anya asked. He paused in mid-stretch, looking at Xander.
“Oh god!” Xander splashed some more mountain crisp water onto his corneas, breathing heavily.
“Xander!” Anya batted the bottle away. “What is going on?” Her eyes narrowed. “Are you gay too now? You and Spike?” She turned to Willow who was still standing near the doorway, and pointed at her. “You did this!”
Willow’s mouth dropped open. “Me? Did what? What are you talking about? Buffy tied Xander up, not me.” Anya whirled around.
“Hey!” Buffy said. Willow mouthed, ‘sorry’ over Anya’s shoulder. “I didn’t do anything.”
“Oh, I beg to differ.” Xander wiped his face and came over to the middle of the room. “I beg to differ times a million! You did something alright! Something bad!”
Spike smirked. “Right then, here we go.” He flopped down next to Tara. “On with the staking.”
Xander struck a dramatic pose. “Buffy and Spike...they...they...oh god, I can’t even say it...” He shuddered. Anya looked at him, waiting.
“Is this about Spike and Buffy having sex?”
Willow laughed. “Yeah, like that would ever happen...” She trailed off at the look on Buffy’s face. “Buffy. You never.” Buffy blushed and she gasped. “Buffy!”
Tara looked at Spike beside her. “Is this a bad thing?” She whispered.
“Not to Buffy.” Spike said, grinning wickedly at her. She reddened, her colour almost matching Willow’s. The group was quiet for a moment and Giles looked up from his books.
“Who’s gay too now?”
DISCLAIMER: I come up to Joss the other day and say, “Hey! Joss, how’s about you gimme some cash for this story I’m writing?” And he scoffs and says, “Hey! Mr. Monkeybottoms, how’s about you shut the hell up?” That was uncalled for.
THANKS: I am so glad you liked the last chapter. After a while, you just aren’t sure if the stuff you just typed is actually funny anymore! I give snuggles to all of you! And once again, thanks to Bubonic for her help. She gave me the idea to use my candy theory with Xander in this chapter on one of our hilarious late night talks, and she always encourages me to write some more.
LAST TIME ON BTVS: Little Johnny was trapped in a cave, and the tide was coming in fast! ‘Eeee! Eeee!’ Flipper whistled, clapping his fins happily. Cause, you know, that Little Johnny was such an asshole, always taunting Flipper with the fish. ‘Who wants a fish? Huh? Does Flipper want a fish? Huh? HUH?’ Flipper was glad he was in the cave. Flipper hoped he’d never have to see that Little Johnny again. Screw you Little Johnny! Whoopsies....got a little carried away there. Actually, Xander caught Buffy riding the all-night express train I like to call Spike. Spike and Xander fought like big babies. Xander needed the ‘EYE-lert‘, but had to settle for Tara’s overpriced bottled water instead. Anya said some Anya-type things, all involving sex. Buffy tied up Spike and Xander, but not in a kinky way. Giles was clueless. It is the next night, and everyone is having dinner at The Summer’s house. You know, for fun.
***************************************************************************
“How long till dinner?”
Buffy looked over at Xander. “A half hour at the most,” she said. “But if you keep eating that candy you’ll fill up before we even start.”
Xander popped another chewy sweet in his mouth and shook his head. “That’s a negatory, I always have room for your mom’s home cookin’. Down at my place a home made meal means we order out and have it delivered.” He fished another bag out from the pile on the table and held it out to the group. “Fuzzy Peach?”
Tara peeked into the bag and pulled one out. “Mmmm, Fuzzy Peach. My favorite.”
“What else do you have?” Willow leaned over, interested.
“Um...” Xander picked through the bags he brought. “Let’s see...Fuzzy Peach, Cherry Blasters, Swedish Berries, Sweet Tarts, Sour Patch ...”
Willow perked up. “Sour Patch? I love those! Gimme.” She received a handful from Xander. Chewing, she noticed Anya frowning. “What’s wrong Anya? Do you want some too? There’s more.”
Anya looked at the candies and shrugged. “It’s just that all these candies are references to the female anatomy.” The Scoobies looked at her blankly and she nodded. “Really, they are. Don’t you see it? Fuzzy peach...” She raised her eyebrows suggestively. “Sour patch? Of course you two would love those.” She added, motioning towards Tara and Willow. Tara choked and went beet red.
“What?” Xander said through a mouthful of Cherry Blasters.
“Yes! I’m serious. Those are slang for the vagina. Swedish Berries are nipples. Cherry Blasters, well, they mean a when virginity is lost and the hym-”
“An!” Xander said.
Buffy quickly put down the Cherry Blaster she was about to eat.
“What? We are all mature adults here. Granted I am older than any of you by over a thousand years, but being freshly made I consider myself younger. I do look younger anyways. And even I know that Sweet Tarts means the flavour of a woman’s juic-”
“What about these?” Xander blurted, desperate to cut her off. He held up another pack of candy. Anya read the label.
“Pop Rocks.” She shrugged. “What are those?”
Xander tore open the pack and dumped a small amount into his hand. “Here, try them.”
Anya obediently licked them off his palm and looked at him questionably. Within a few seconds the candy began to explode in her mouth and her eyes grew wide. “These are amazing!”
“Yeah.” Xander smiled and ate some Mike and Ike’s.
“Xander, put down that candy-which is a gay insinuation by the way-and listen to this.” She put the mouth close to his ear. Xander laughed.
“I know what it does An,” he said. She swallowed the candy and leaned in, whispering into his ear this time, a suggestive smile on her face. Xander’s eyes opened wide and he glanced down at his pants. “Um, Buffy? I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” He turned back to Anya, whispered something in her ear, grabbed another pack of Pop Rocks and took off out of the room. Buffy, Willow and Tara all looked at Anya.
“I’m supposed to wait a few minutes and then make a plausible excuse to leave the room so I can sneak upstairs to the bathroom with Xander. So we can have oral sex!” she said happily. Standing up, she gave the others a little wave and hurried out.
The girls were quiet.
“Ok, That was disturbing.” Buffy stood up. “I’m gonna go see if Mom needs some help in the kitchen.” She quickly walked out.
Willow squeezed Tara’s hand and they smiled at each other sweetly. “I’m going to forget any of that ever happened and think about supper instead. Are you getting hungry baby?” she asked. “Buffy’s mom is making yummy linguini with clam-” She cut off when Buffy came back in.
“Uh...” Buffy said, standing next to the candy pile. “I, uh...” She blushed and grabbed a pack of the Pop Rocks. Willow and Tara’s mouths dropped open. Buffy shrugged, red now. “I really like them is all!” She turned on her heel and almost ran back out.
“Well. I didn’t expect...” Willow said, looking over to see Tara slipping the exploding candy into her pocket. “Tara!”
Tara cheeks were still pink, but she smiled slowly at Willow. Willow shut up and grinned back.
Buffy popped her head into the kitchen and almost died at the sight of Spike stirring something on the stove, chatting away with Joyce. She picked up the apron sitting on the counter and held it in front of her teasingly. “Need to put this on? Hate to see that red shirt of yours get splattered.” She looked at the front of the apron, frowning slightly. “It even says, ‘Kiss the Big Bad’. Huh, that’s lucky.”
Spike glared at her. “Oh ha bloody ha Slayer.” He stopped stirring and Joyce poked him.
“Don’t stop, it’ll burn,” she ordered. He immediately began to mix again, a worried look on his face. Buffy almost laughed, but quickly hid it when Spike shot an annoyed glance at her.
The doorbell rang. “I bet that‘s Giles,” Buffy said. Sure enough, her Watcher came into the kitchen, two bottles of wine in his hand.
“Why, thank you Rupert.” Joyce took the bottles from him. “How nice. But you brought so much!”
Giles smiled sheepishly. “Just a small gesture really, a thank you for inviting me over for dinner. Plus, I wasn‘t sure which you‘d like, a merlot or a chardonnay, so I, uh, brought both. Whichever one goes best with dinner.”
“Well, the dinner party was all Buffy’s idea. I’m afraid I can’t take any of the credit for that. And we are having linguini with a clam sauce, so I think the chardonnay. Would you, please, Spike?“ She said and handed Spike a wine opener. He looked at her, then the opener in his hand. He poked at it with one finger, testing the sharpness of the pointy tip, giving a few experimental swipes in the air with it. The others watched him, confused.
“Use it to open the wine,” Buffy hissed. Spike stopped jabbing and gave her a look.
“I know how to use this. I was just...inspired. One never knows what can be used as a weapon against you. Be one up on your opponent, I always say.”
“Right. Cause there are so many Kitchen Demons just waiting and lurking, hoping to catch us with a mouth full of peas, and then wham! It gets us with the waffle iron.”
Spike raised and eyebrow at her as he deftly opened the wine. “There’s no need for sarcasm.”
Buffy shook her head. “What? Did you just talk like Giles?”
Spike and Giles both looked at her, offended.
“So, when’s the feast about to be served? I’m famished.” Xander came in, looking a little breathless, Anya in tow. “I’m at your service Mrs. Summers. Can I help you with anything?”
“I believe you’ve done enough.” Buffy said, glancing towards Anya, who had a Cheshire cat grin on her face. Anya’s smile grew even broader and Buffy rolled her eyes. “Why don’t we all go sit down?”
Spike sniffed Xander as they went into the dining room. “What are you wearing now, Harris?” He frowned. “You smell even fruitier than usual.” Anya walked past him and his eyes widened. “Eww Harris, really, using your girl’s perfume now? You really are a major poof. Don’t know what the demon-girl sees in you.”
“Xander is the sweetest guy in the entire world,” Anya said, looking at Xander lovingly as she settled into her chair, wriggling around a bit. “He’d do anything for me. Why, just now he was kind enough to-”
“Um, Xander, did you see Willow and Tara anywhere?” Buffy came in just in time to stop the sharing of things that never needed to be shared, a heaping bowl of pasta in her hands. “I can’t find them.”
Xander shook his head. “They weren’t in the living room when we came down from the bath-uh, they, um, they weren’t there.” He shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
Spike watched him squirm about. “What’s the matter with you? Caught a bad case of the pox?” He shook his head. “Figures.”
“No, I do not have the pox...whatever that is. So shut it.” Xander glared at him.
“Oh! Is dinner ready?” Willow and Tara burst into the room, also looking a bit breathless. “We, um, we were just, uh...”
“Practicing spells.” Tara filled in helpfully. Willow nodded franticly.
“Yes! Spells!” She laughed nervously. “Spells is what we were doing. Spells, and the practicing of these spells.” She sat down, smoothing her hair into place. Spike stared at her, nostrils flaring, then at Tara. Then back to Xander and Anya.
“What the bloody hell is going-” He jumped. “Ow! Did you just kick me?” Buffy smiled a big, fake smile at him.
“No.”
Everyone was quiet for a moment as the food was dished out and sampled, wine poured.
“A toast.” Giles held up his glass and the others followed suit. “To Joyce for her delicious meal. And to all of us, a worthy team and a force to be reckoned with! Evil of the world, beware!” The glasses tinkled as they all touched.
“Beware!” Xander said enthusiastically. He took a healthy swallow and squirmed a bit more in his chair.
Tara fidgeted.
Willow moved around restlessly.
Anya frowned and pulled at her skirt and sighed in frustration. “I’m still all sticky!” she complained loudly. Xander choked on his linguini and Giles pounded him on the back in concern. “Xander, these candies made me all gooey on my vagina! You must be sticking to your boxers too.” Giles took his hand away from Xander’s back as if it were scalded.
Joyce poured herself more wine.
“An!” Xander gave the table a weak smile. “She’s just kidding.”
“No I’m not. I’m really uncomfortable, and my panties are all sticky, and not in that good way.”
Buffy had second thoughts about the candy in her pocket. And about ever inviting anyone over for dinner ever again. “Uh...” she trailed off, having no idea what to say.
“Bollocks!” Spike made a face. “So that’s why you all smell the same! You Wiccas were doin’ it too!” He pointed accusingly. Willow’s mouth dropped open in fake outrage.
“What!? No! No, we weren’t doing anything with Pop Rocks! We were doing a spell, like Tara said. A very powerful spell.” She pointed across at Xander and Anya. “They were the ones in the bathroom together!” Everyone gasped and looked at the couple.
Giles moved further away from Xander. “Really now, I don’t think this is appropriate dinner conversation-”
“Willow’s gay!” Anya said at the top of her voice, pointing back to the witches. All eyes swiveled, again.
Tara poured herself more wine.
Willow looked defiant. “That’s right! I’m gay now! I have embraced the other side of my sexuality. Tara and I are gay together. She’s my girlfriend, so there!” She crossed her arms and stared back at the table.
“Willow...” Giles looked shocked. Willow panicked.
“Buffy and Spike are sleeping together!” she blurted.
“Hey!” Buffy said. Willow winced apologetically.
“Buffy!” Joyce gasped, looking from her daughter to the vampire next to her. Spike gave her an awkward pat on the shoulder, but pulled his hand away at the look she gave him. “He’s just as old as Angel!”
“Actually, I’m younger than that incredible poofter...” he trailed off at Buffy’s glare. “Right then.” He picked up his fork and continued eating.
Giles stood up silently, and left the room, not saying a word. Buffy watched him, crushed.
“Giles, wait...” She stood up to go after him, but paused as he returned, the other bottle of wine in his hand. Buffy sat back down. He plunked the wine down in front of him, opened it, and poured a brimming glass.
“Joyce?” he offered. She nodded and he gave her a healthy pour. Putting the bottle back down he picked up his own glass and drained it. Pouring himself another, he finally looked at the group. “Now,” he said slowly, “Pass me the cheese bread.”
DISCLAIMER: So, Joss is like all over me at the party last night, and I’m all, like, ‘Cut it out’ and stuff, and he’s still trying to mack with me, and my boyfriend comes over and shakes him like dirty linen and everyone’s all screaming and calling security...like he’s some kind of important writer-director-creator guy. So, the security goons toss my boyfriend out and Joss is still all, ‘Oh, Mr. Monkeybottoms, don’t leave! The party’s just getting started...in my pants!’ I roll my eyes so he gets all cheesed at me and says, ‘Fine. No profits for you then.’ So I scarf down his Crantini and vamoose. The party sucked anyway. ME couldn’t party their way out of a wet paper bag.
THANK YOU: One and all, thank you for your reviews, they always make me wriggle in delight. We all love those Pop Rocks! Maybe next time I will write a fic and title it ‘Twizzlers: Ribbed For Her Pleasure.” But, for now, we must all say ‘goodbye’ to this fic, as it must end sometime, and that sometime is chapter 14. Seriously now. I promise I will write another story...just let me finish this one, lol.
WHOO-BABY: Buffy and the gang had the funnest-fun-factory-time you could have at a dinner party. Anya displayed her clever mind yet again and came up with the best use for candy ever. And you thought they were for eating! Silly you! Willow and Tara followed suit. Buffy stashed some away for later but reconsidered after some table-time confessions and sticky undies. Spike stirred the white sauce. Spike opened wine. Spike called Angel a poof. Joyce was shocked that Buffy and Spike were doin’ the horizontal tango. Giles drank and drank. Poor Giles! He needed a few days to get over that nasty hangover after the dinner. Wine’ll getcha every time. Now, Buffy and Spike are trying for some ‘alone time’, but that is easier said than done...
***********************************************************************
“Bollocks. This movie is terrible,” Spike complained, reaching for the popcorn. “How much can one vamp brood? Can Brad Pitt be more of a wanker? If I wanted to watch that I’d go back to L.A. and hang around with your poofy ex.” He made a mournful face. “’Oh, heavens, this life of the undead is terribly terrible...whatever shall I do besides mope and pout and bemoan my fate?’”
“Hey, Brad Pitt is fantastic,” Buffy said, smacking him in the arm. Her eyes never left the screen. “He’s a genius, and not too hard on the eyes either. Then there‘s the lovely Tom Cruise and the beautiful Antonio...they make Interview With the Vampire worth renting.”
Spike’s eyebrows rose. “Beautiful? Tell me you aren’t serious.”
“Hmmmm?” Buffy said absently. Antonio was running his fingers through the flame and it was damn sexy.
“Buffy?” Spike asked quietly. She didn’t answer, eyes glued to the TV, absentmindedly eating popcorn. “Bugger this.” He strode over to the VCR and ejected the movie.
“What are you doing?” Buffy blinked as he crushed the tape with one squeeze of his hand, then stomped it into the carpet beneath his boots, grinding his heel viciously. “Um...we’re gonna have to pay for that now. Mr. Blockbuster isn’t going to be impressed.”
Spike marched back over to her and yanked her up, kissing her fiercely. Buffy immediately forgot all about the broken movie and gasped as he thrust his hands in her hair, holding her head tightly as he ravaged her mouth. He kissed her fiercely, stealing her breath away with his possessiveness. All at once he let go and she plopped back down onto the couch, dazed. Spike stared down at her, smug.
“Antonio is a ponce.”
Buffy smiled slowly. “You’re jealous!”
“What!” Spike sat down and crossed his arms, a look of disbelief on his face. “Jealous? Not bloody likely!”
“You are! You. Are. Jealous.”
Spike made a snorty noise.
“Ha!” Buffy grinned. “What’s the matter, Big Bad? Worried that fictional vampires are more attractive than the real thing?” She leaned over him, pushing her breasts into his arm ever so slightly. He pretended not to notice. “I mean, Anne Rice really has a following with the Goth-and-Angst crowd. Maybe you wish she’d write a book about you.” She sighed deeply, nipples traveling in a half-circle over his skin.
Spike swallowed, eyes staring at her chest. The tops of her breasts were peeking out as she leaned, and her hard little nipples drawing curlicues all over his arm were driving him crazy. “Anne Rice wouldn’t know a vamp if one bit her on her ample arse.”
“Arse?” Buffy giggled a bit at the word, but it was cut off as Spike grabbed her again, pushing her down into the couch cushions, mouth hot on hers. He held her hips, grinding against her, his hand moving down until he found what he was looking for. Buffy moaned as he squeezed.
“Arse,” Spike muttered, moving against her lazily. “And I seem to have found a lovely one right here.” He kissed her some more and she wrapped her legs around his waist tightly, pulling him against her harder. “Mmmmm...Slayer, naughty girl.”
Buffy smiled against his mouth. “I can be naughty...” she whispered, making him gasp a bit as her tongue licked at his lips. “I can-” The phone rang.
“Don’t answer that,” Spike muttered, kissing her neck.
Buffy groaned. “I have to, Slayer destiny and all that. Lives depend on me, blah blee blee blah. It is my birthright to answer the phone when it rings...like the Bat phone. Only, less cool.” She sat up slowly, squirming out from under Spike, and picked it up on the fifth ring.
“Oh Buffy, thank heavens you’re home. I was afraid I’d missed you and you’d already left to patrol.”
Buffy sighed. “Hi Giles. No, I haven’t left yet, Spike and I were just, uh...” Her eyes went to the pile of plastic on the floor, “Watching a movie. Till he killed it.”
“Oh, Spike is there?” Buffy could almost hear the sound of his handkerchief against his glasses as he paused, franticly cleaning. “Yes, well, very good then. We won’t have to go looking for him. We have a situation.”
“A situation?” Buffy sighed. “But it’s my night off from situations! Situation free, I believe! It’s not another apocalypse, is it? Cause I didn’t notice the earth moving.” Spike grinned at her suggestively and she blushed. “No earthquake.” She clarified.
Giles paused. “Well, not quite the end of the world, no...”
“Not quite? I don’t like the sound of that at all. I‘d much prefer not at all the end of the world, or, we‘re all going to Disneyland!”
Spike looked up. “We’re going to Disneyland? Ooh, I like Disneyland. One time Dru and I hid in the Haunted House and drained and entire high school class that was there for a pre-grad party...heh, they had a hell of a time covering that up, eh, Walt?” He chuckled to himself , remembering, until he noticed Buffy’s glare. “Erm, I mean, uh, I can’t wait to ride down ‘Splash Mountain’ with the Wicca lesbians.” Buffy glared harder.
“Hurry up now, Buffy. The others will be here shortly. Oh, and Buffy? Bring weapons.”
“Alright.” Buffy hung up and turned to Spike. “Suit up. We’ve got trouble.”
“Right then.” Spike jumped up and grabbed his duster.
Buffy pulled out her weapon chest and duffle bag. “Giles said to hurry, so we’d better take your car.” Spike looked horrified.
“Not bloody likely!”
Buffy gave him a wheedling look and pouted. “Pleeeeese Spike. I want to drive. I have my license.”
“A license to kill is more like it Slayer. I’ve heard about you and cars, you know. Word gets around the undead circle. There is no way in hell I’m letting you drive my DeSoto.” Spike crossed his arms, looking a bit worried at Buffy’s sly smile.
Twenty minutes later, Buffy pulled up to the apartment complex where Giles lived, one wheel coming to rest on the curb lopsidedly. Spike sat in the drivers side, frozen.
“It doesn’t matter what you pull next time, there is never going to be another situation that involves me in the passenger side of this car,” Spike gasped, still recovering from Buffy’s driving, and Buffy’s ministrations before they’d left.
“Hey, I delivered what I promised,” Buffy said, looking at his pants.
“I think an encore is owed after this. You scratched the paint! And ran over a chipmunk, I might add.”
“It was an evil chipmunk.” Buffy frowned. “I could tell. And besides, it’s not my fault it ran out in front of me, or that your brake is so close to the accelerator.”
“And the paint?” Spike asked.
“Evil garbage can.” Buffy turned off the car and fiddled with the keys. “Your keys are stuck.” She jangled them in frustration. “Stupid keys! Come...out...!” Spike reached over and put the car into park, then took the keys out, tucking them safely into his pocket.
“Ready?” he asked dryly. She nodded sheepishly. “Good. Let’s go find out what has ole Rupie’s knickers in a bunch.”
The Scoobies were all there when they walked in. Willow and Tara were in the corner, mixing what smelled like a bowl of rancid animal fat, chanting. Xander sat, sharpening a large stake. Anya read a magazine, a bored look on her face.
“Buffy.” Giles looked up from the pile of books on his table and sighed in relief. “You made it here in record time.”
Buffy put the weapon bag down on the floor. “That’s cause Spike let me drive.”
Shocked silence. Xander stopped whittling. The girls stopped chanting. Anya stopped turning pages.
“No wonder you look even more pale than usual,” Xander said to Spike, shaking his head. “Didn’t you know? Slayer and technology don’t mix. At all. Buffy can barely use the toaster.”
“That is so not true!” Buffy said, offended. “The settings just happen to be on dark every time I use it.” She looked away, muttering. “Stupid toaster.”
Giles cleared his throat, getting the room’s attention, a rather serious look on his face. “Enough about Buffy’s appliance deficiencies. We have bigger fish to fry.” He pulled open his book and pointed at the illustration inside. “I’ve been reading The Pergamum Codex Fascinating book, really. These prophecies always run their course, never been wrong...”
“That’s great, Giles, “ Buffy said, crossing her arms. “I do seem to remember that little book of yours, what with the wacky tale of my death against the Master all layed down like some twisted bedtime story. Hmmmm, yes, it does ring a bell.” She straightened suddenly. “There’s not another thingy about me in there, right? Cause that really puts a damper on the whole ‘After the Situation’ party I was planning.”
‘Oh, no. Buffy, it’s not about you, thank heavens,” Giles said. He peered at the page again, squinting a little as he read. “And from the depths of darkness he shall rise, the one they named ‘Hereth’, bringing with him the root of all evil. His defeat will not be easily come by but for the soul-less warrior who walks as life but lives not.” He stopped reading and looked up expectantly. No one said a word. “Well?”
“Well what?” Xander asked, looking puzzled. “We have no idea what that means.”
“Yeah. I don’t speak librarian.” Spike fiddled with a dagger, balancing it on his finger. “Who bloody cares what it means? Let’s go find whatever it is that’s rising and kill it. Plain and simple.”
“It’s not that easy, Spike.” Giles looked uncomfortable. “After all, the prophesy is about you.”
Spike dropped the knife. “Me?”
“Him?” Xander choked.
Anya shrugged. “Well, any fool could see that. Spike’s the living undead guy it’s talking about.” She went back to the ‘Cosmo’ she’d been reading. There was a poll she needed to finish taking. It would tell her if she was ‘woman enough’ in the sack for her man, and she was desperate to find the answer.
Spike glared. “I am not a warrior of good!” He kicked the knife back up effortlessly, catching it in his hand. “I’m just here. Just fighting. No good.” He pointed the blade as emphasis.
Buffy grinned. “Sorry Spike, but the jig is up. You’re a good guy now. Time to hand in your ‘Hi, I’m evil! Ask me how!’ pin.” Spike looked sulky and turned away.
“The book is very clear, I’m afraid. We must go and battle the Hereth tonight, all of us, and we must use every means possible to defeat it.” He paused. “But only Spike shall be the one able to administer the death blow. Without him the hellmouth will open once again. The world will be lost.”
“You said it wasn’t an apocalypse, big fibber!” Buffy said to Giles. “Situation my Aunt Fanny!”
“Well, this is the end then, isn’t it?” Xander put the stake down dejectedly. “We all know Spike’s not gonna help us keep the hellmouth closed. And I just ordered that new Time-Life book series too.”
“Oh, the one about World War II?” Willow asked excitedly. Tara looked at her and she shrugged. “History gets me excited. Oh, but not in a sexy way...um, I mean, you know, in an intellectual, learning kinda way.”
Anya slapped her Cosmo down on the table, making everyone look over at her in surprise. “Well. It seems I’m not woman enough in the sack.” She send Xander a glare. “Why didn’t you tell me? How selfish of you.”
He shook his head. “Huh?”
“Would you all just shut your holes?” The Scoobies all looked at Spike. “I don’t see how you all have managed to get this far. Nutters, every single one of you.” He strode over to Buffy, who looked at him silently, and turned at the group. “I couldn’t care less if you all died tomorrow while crossing the street.” He said quietly, ignoring Xander’s gasp of indignation. He continued, turning back to Buffy, waving a hand in Tara‘s direction. “Well, maybe I’d miss the shy one over there, she’s nice enough. As for the lot of you, well, you’ve all been a thorn in the rump, now haven’t you? It shouldn’t matter if you live or die.” He raised his dagger at Buffy, slowly turning it so the blade faced his heart. She didn’t blink, staring into the intense blue of his eyes. “But it would matter to Buffy...it would kill her. And I would die before I let that happen.” He leaned in closer to her until their lips were almost touching. “I love you, Buffy.” he said, so quietly that only she could hear him. “I’ll die for you.”
Buffy swallowed hard. “I love you Spike.” She leaned forward ever so slightly and put her lips on his. “And we all know that dagger won‘t kill you.”
“Doin’ my best, Slayer,” Spike said, giving her his usual cocky grin, making her smile.
“What? What are you two saying over there?” Xander demanded.
“He’s saying he’ll do it,” Buffy said, looking at the Scoobies. “Oh, and he also whispered that he really does like you, but is too vampire-y to admit it.”
Spike gasped. “Did not! I never said that!”
Buffy marched over to her weapons and rummaged through them. “Spike.” She threw a heavy double-edged axe in his direction without so much as a backwards glance. He caught it easily and swung it around a bit, testing the feel. Standing up, she hoisted the duffle bag over her shoulder and smiled at her friends. “Ready?” They nodded. “Let’s go stop the hellmouth.”
Giles opened the door and they filed out. And as Spike walked through the door he found Buffy by his side, her hand linked in his.
He smiled. And tripped Xander on his way out, just for good measure.
The End