Spike moved away from her door after closing it behind him, he heard every word that she'd said. Every biting vowel, and syllable. He didn't understand it, but the pain in her words came through clearly.

"You never see me, and you never have."

Her words played over and over in his mind, this had to be the missing piece of the puzzle that he'd been grasping to find. The piece that may unlock the complex being that she was, and what was driving her at the moment. The words continued to reverberate through his mind, every rationale and explanation for what she meant bounced around in his skull. Yet it always came rebounding back to the same thing, which he dismissed, as it was just too hard to believe. He continued his way to his room, shaking his head as he closed the door behind him, the darkness of the room surrounded him, as he got ready for bed.

Sliding himself in between the sheets, he looked around the room, shadows formed from the moonlight that rained in from the window. The outline of the room became clearer as his vision adjusted to the darkness, the furniture took shape and he could just make out his shape in the mirror of the dresser. He looked as best he could at the reflection that he projected, every outline and texture of his form. Her words began to ring in his mind again. Maybe it was true, he'd never really seen her, just what he wanted to see. Never the real her, but then again had she ever really let him see the real her. Was she keeping it so deeply bound within herself that he never noticed? The answer screamed itself out in his subconscious, he scrunched his eyes shut, blotting out the world as he turned himself over in the bed, throwing himself over in denial. He refused to acknowledge his mind's answer, 'No don't say it'.

He could feel the walls of his world crumble around him, the truth couldn't be held back anymore. The past came flooding back, her behaviour when they'd first met, the truce when he'd married Lily, and their 'comfortable friendship'. All that time he never noticed anything different about Buffy, she'd been just that, Buffy. Spike tried to remember a word, a motion of her hand, a sign of something, anything that would make some sense of this chaotic mess. He couldn't think of a single thing. 'Don't say it,' ended his train of thought, 'don't say it'.

He turned over to look at himself in the mirror again.

"Say it." The words flowed out of him.

He clutched the sheets between his hands; he couldn't let himself answer. It was just too much for him to face, not only the truth, but also the implications.

"Say it."

Moving himself to the side of the bed, he dangled his legs over the side, and continued to look at his reflection in the mirror.

"Oh god, no!" Spike ran his hands through his hair, "No!"

A wave of emotion ran through him as he finally acknowledged the truth. The truth to why she had probably been shy when they had first met, why she had avoided him and had been rude in the beginning, and had put him at a distance whilst he'd been with Lily. Yet it didn't answer why she had gone through with the surrogacy. That thought plagued his very soul. Why would someone do that? It had to be for Lily, it had to have been. Or had it?

Memories of her being with them time and time again, when Lily had come out of Dr Singer's office with a negative result, went through his mind. He remembered Lily's promise of always 'next time', but 'next time' had never come. He remembered his own devastation, especially the last time. That had nearly been the end of him, and the one time that Buffy had come up and put her arms around him, once Lily had gone into the kitchen to get a coffee for all of them, if his memory served him correctly. In the comfort that she'd offered, he remembered seeing her pain for them, and her words of, "It'll happen, you'll see. If not this way, another. You'll have what you want."

What he wanted so desperately, was a child that he would have done anything for it to happen. Which it had, it had come from her, her gift of the baby to him and Lily. Yet why did Buffy do it? Why? The answer struck him with such a force, that it knocked the wind from him, and caused a great pain to spread through him, that started in his heart.

She'd done it for him. To give him the one thing that he always wanted. . She'd been willing to bury her own deep feelings to give him something that Lily couldn't.

A family.

He covered his face with his hands, they slid down his face in guilt, as the repercussions ran through his mind.

"Oh god, no. No," Spike finally acknowledged the truth. Buffy had done it from some deep emotions that ran through her, he didn't know if he wanted to label them, but he now saw the truth. He could truly see her.

She was in love with him. How could he have been so fucking blind all these years?

A single tear fell down his cheek as he realised the burden he carried, and the conflicting emotions that paralysed his mind, body and soul. What in hell's name was he going to do? Here he lay in her house, in her guest bed, hanging on to every moment he could of her pregnancy, and surrounded by everything that was her. He was drowning in her, every pore and cell of his body was perpetuated with her being, the baby had seen to that, and his desire to be with his child. The only place she wasn't was in his heart.

'Liar!' His mind screamed at him, he couldn't deny the fact that she held a small place in it, especially since he'd found out of her pregnancy, and the day she had taken his hand and accepted his protection. Yet his conscious screamed at him in pain, he didn't know if he could feel the same as her. He felt in some strange way that he'd let her down, and himself, by not seeing the truth earlier. He'd been in love with Lily, and he had been blind to everything else around him. Feeling trapped, he got out of bed and dressed; grabbing his wallet and keys he left his room. He ran out and down the stairs, fleeing the house and every thought that consumed him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Upstairs Buffy had heard the guest room door slam shut, and the footsteps that followed down the staircase and out of the house. She felt the moisture run down her face, as her silent tears began. Pain filled and overwhelmed her. She grasped her stomach in her hands, as she felt the first little flutter of life move inside her. This only made the tears flow harder and stronger.

He must have heard her words.

She felt totally numb, time seemed suspended, the world seemed to have stopped turning. What had she done? The words had just flown out of her mouth, years of hiding the truth from herself and others had come flooding out of her mouth. Even though it needed to be said, a deep regret filled her, laced with anguish. The implications were too unpredictable, the thought of what Spike was thinking or feeling was too hard to even contemplate. It seemed ironic in someway, one sister glad to see the end of him, and the other holding impossible dreams and desires.

In her mind, she could only see his leaving as a sign of rejection, his intentions clear. He wanted the baby but not her, never her. She wiped the tears away from her face, and climbed out of the bed, making her way to the guest room, she entered and sat on the bed. Looking around she could see his personal effects around the room. For a second, she allowed herself to take it all in, his things in her house, the faint smell of his aftershave in the room, and his favourite leather duster thrown over the wicker chair in the corner. She lifted the duster up, and ran her hand along the leather, with its soft supple texture.

Buffy sat back down on the edge of the bed, and for a few moments she allowed herself to lie down along its length, to rest, just for a minute. She pulled herself into a ball, hugging the duster to her, and closed her eyes. 'What a mess', Buffy thought, 'What am I going to do?' The situation between her and Spike was spiralling down into dangerous territory, she could feel its darkness begin to envelop her. All she wanted to do was turn back time, and do this all again the right way.

All she wanted to do was sleep, and run away for a while in its unconsciousness. To accept the escape it offered. Just to rest. She just wanted to rest. Still lying on the bed, sheer exhaustion claimed her, and carried her into slumber.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Spike drove around in his car for hours, he ended up in front of his home, well the home that he'd shared with Lily. With a little reluctance he pulled into the driveway, and opened the garage door with the remote, before driving the car into it and coming to a halt. He sat inside the car for a few minutes, gathering his courage he stepped out and walked through to the connecting door to the house. It was flooded in darkness, turning on the light he squinted at the brightness of it, looking around it was the same as he'd left it the night he'd moved into Buffy's. The whisky and glass still sat on the coffee table, the cloth sat beside it. A sad smile came to his face as he saw the stain in the carpet, from the whiskey he'd split when he'd heard Buffy announce her pregnancy on the answering machine.

He went straight into the kitchen and grabbed himself a new glass to finish what he'd started. With a hand on the glass, ready to take it from the shelf, he looked at it and stared straight into it. This wasn't the answer, it would bloody help, but it wasn't going to solve anything, just give him one hell of a headache in the morning. Sitting on the sofa, he poured himself one regardless.

With some irony, he lifted his glass and looked at the contents. "Cheers' Luv", this time it wasn't for his ex, but for her. He downed the burning liquid in one gulp, looking at the glass in his hand, he raised it and hurled it across the room. He watched it shatter into a million pieces against the wall, as the shrapnel sheered itself across the room.

It was like the beginning all over again, except this time she hadn't run away from him, she'd been waiting for him to notice her, to see her. Quietly and silently, holding whatever she'd felt deep down inside herself. Yet what did he expect her to do, come up to him one day and say, "I know you're married to my sister, but I care about you!"

"Bloody Hell!"

His words broke the silence that surrounded him, and echoed off the empty walls of the house. He looked at the sheer whiteness of the room he sat in; he never really noticed how sterile and uninviting it had really looked. He couldn't help but compare Lily to Buffy, their homes were two completely opposite personalities. Buffy had embraced a country look that was warm and invited you into its depths. Whilst Lily had insisted on the totally white look that demanded extra care, and no messy hands or food spills. It's walls within sterile, uninviting and repelling.

This was the same place that he'd made his decision, the same seat, the same place. This was one of the consequences in his decision he'd made, in walking away from his marriage. One that he would have to live with, and try to resolve, but how he was going to do it was a total mystery to him. He remembered that he had made Buffy an accomplice, he'd made her decide which side she was on in this mess. He knew that she'd given just about everything up to side with him, she'd even risked her family, not that they'd even contacted her in these last few months. He shook with the ramifications of his actions. He'd never even given her family a second thought, the only thing that had been important to him had been the baby, and getting the hell out of his marriage. He'd totally overlooked Buffy's sacrifice.

Once again she'd chosen him, over all the others.

He thought about her family for a moment, they hadn't even bothered to call their daughter, but then again he'd never asked, never even cared to ask, to him they had been unimportant. He could only guess that they knew about the baby and Buffy's defection from her sister. That they were siding with Lily for some reason, he could only guess what she'd told them, probably it was his fault. It was his entire fault.

The memory of offering Buffy his protection only heightened his feelings of guilt, for every step he'd taken in dealing with Buffy, he'd somehow betrayed her. He'd demanded her allegiance, leaving her with nowhere else to turn. He'd used the fear of losing her baby to make her chose him, to force her hand. He'd even told her that he'd look after her rights to the baby and told her not to seek legal counsel. The waves of guilt were beginning to consume him, he had betrayed her even more than Lily had, or anyone else for that matter.

He'd done it for his own protection, and desire to keep the baby close to him, regardless of the outcome. Maybe he'd done this subconsciously, or not, he'd never even considered it, he just done it with out even giving it a second thought. The truth came out and smacked him in the head.

He'd been using her for his own means. Not once had he seen her, the real her. Guilt consumed him, as his heart broke even further.

He did care about her.

More than he should.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy never heard the front door open, or the steps that carried the person up the stairs to her room. She never heard her door open, or the hushed "Buffy?" or the frantic steps throughout the house, as the intruder sought her out. They stopped directly outside the room in which she slept, slowly the door was opened to reveal the sleeping form of the owner of the house. Spike watched her sleep on his bed, with what looked like his duster encased between her arms. The sun was rising slowly through the edges of the curtain, allowing a low light to penetrate the room.

He swallowed hard, trying not to let the guilt he felt rise any further than it was. It was consuming his very soul, making his life feel like an eternal torment now and he didn't need to add anymore to it. What he needed to do was to make it up to her. So much that she would never need know what he'd done, or the guilt that languished him. He'd fix this bloody mess up, he'd make the best he could of it for her.

He'd give her what she wanted, a safe and secure future, no matter what the consequences held for himself. He wanted to make her happy and make her life perfect, he just hoped that she'd allow him to be part of that life. He knew he didn't deserve it.

He had been blind not only to her, but himself. With a even deeper seeded regret, he realised how much he'd come to enjoy her company, enjoy the comfortable life she'd given him, the haven from the mess of his divorce, with the support and trust she'd given him. The sacrifices that she'd made for herself, for the baby, and him were just too many to count. He hoped it wasn't too late to make some amends, and maybe just maybe make a life for themselves with the baby.

He stood stiffly as he realised what he was truly asking of her. He wanted her. All of her. He would take nothing less. The axis upon which his world stood was shifting dramatically, he could only hope that he, that they, could survive the oncoming onslaught. However, that would be up to Buffy. His true future lay in her hands, and if he was really true to himself, his heart as well.

How could he have been so blind?

A/N Thanks to Darcy and Kirsty for their great editing and beta reading..and their opinions. They always answer my call of 'help' or 'what do you think?'.

I would also like to thank Lady Brandywyne for her support and information of legal aspects to this fic…which I have bent every rule…I have no idea about laws etc, and her help has been invaluable and will add a little spice later to the fic…

Tell Me

Buffy woke, startled as the light hurt her eyes, already sore from the previous nights tears. Within her hands she realized that she still held his duster, only this time it covered her form and encased her within its warmth. She shook slightly with fear at the realization that he hadn't come home, yet the alternative that he may have discovered her in his bed, worried her even more. Quickly she got herself up from the bed, pulled the sheets straight as best she could and left the room. She ran to her room, slammed the door, and dived into the safety of her own bed.

Closing her eyes to the world around her, she felt like a truck had run over her. The nothingness that she'd hoped to find in slumber had never come, only idle dreams of what could have been, and worse the nightmare that followed with him finding out her deepest secret. The secret that she had blurted out for the world to hear, laced with her pain and regret. The sound of his footsteps echoed in her mind, the echo that they'd created as he walked out the door, and the slam of the door, felt like he'd slammed it in on her face.

Buffy's silent reflection was shattered by the clunking of cutlery and plates, that rose from the kitchen below. He was here, in the house. How long had he been here? Had he seen her in his room? Covered with his duster in slumber? Too many questions flowed through her mind, and not enough answers followed.

Slowly getting out of bed, she grabbed her dressing gown, left her room, and went down the stairs, making her way to the kitchen. She found Spike leaning over the stove, cooking what looked like an omelette. He turned his head and his gaze met hers with a big grin across his face. He looked tired, like he'd been up all night and hadn't had a wink of sleep.

"Hungry?" Spike lifted the pan from the stove, leaning it over in her direction. Buffy felt the waves of nausea hit her, she bolted to the downstairs loo, leaning over it she dry retched as she had nothing in her stomach. Spike quickly turned of the element and followed her to the bathroom.

"Sweetheart?" Spike leant over her as she continued to heave. He took a cloth from the towel rack, moistened it with water, and wiped her forehead as she rested her head on her forearm, over the porcelain.

"I'm okay." Buffy moved herself away from the bowl, "Please stop fussing."

"Hey enjoy it while it lasts?"

"Meaning?"

"Meaning what?"

"Answer a question with a question. Typical male!" Buffy stood rebutting any of his attempts at helping her up, it would seem that it was time she got used to doing things herself.

"All I meant was, soon we won't have time to make a fuss over anything. The baby will be taking up all our time." Spike broke out into a soft, smile as he leaned a hand over her stomach, outlining her growing abdomen. "I won't be able to spoil you as much."

Buffy quickly withdrew herself from under his hand, and left him standing in the bathroom. Making her way back into the kitchen, she got herself a glass of ice to suck on; it seemed to help with the nausea, but not her current irritation.

Spike.

"Buffy, are you alright?" Spike asked her.

"Hello! Pregnant!"

"Stating the obvious sweetheart!" Spike went back to the meal he was making, and flipped the omelette onto a plate, taking a knife and fork he sat down at the breakfast bar, and began to eat.

"I might be pregnant Spike, but I'm not stupid!"

"I never said you were!"

"I wonder sometimes about you Spike."

"Hmm good things I hope." Spike waited for her response, it seemed to be coming to crunch time, he could only hope it went well, and the way he wanted it to.

"Good? I'm beginning to wonder about that." Buffy crossed her arms as she stood behind the sink.

Spike dropped his fork, her words reverberated through his skull, he had to think quickly to try and not let this discussion spiral downward. He'd made a decision about the three of them, and now all he had to do was make sure he directed Buffy towards that.

"Yeah Buffy good things, because that's what I need you to think. That all I do is good for you."

"You sound like a cereal commercial Spike. Eat me, I'm good for you, and will keep you regular," Buffy smirked.

"Buffy, all I have is good intentions towards you and the baby." Spike got up and walked around the kitchen island, until he stood in front of her, "You and the baby are the most important things in my life. It may have taken me a little while, but I now realise that you and the baby are my world."

Buffy's mouth opened aghast with what he was saying, she realised that this was what she'd been dying to hear from him for years, her every secret desire realised. Yet something deep down inside was screaming that something was wrong, this was too sudden and a too quick a change of attitude for him. My god he'd been out on a date last night, left the house last night slamming the door behind him, and now stood in front of her all "you are my world". Lily's words in her letter came screaming out at her 'just be careful Buffy, he'll manipulate you, and do anything to get what he wants. He can be a monster sometimes, so tread carefully or you could lose everything'. She felt caught between her deepest desire to give in to what he was saying, and the little voice of caution in the back of her head.

"Your world Spike, what about mine? Don't I have a right to decide just where you fit into all of this?" It would seem that caution had won her over.

"Of course you do, but I thought we agreed to equal input into this."

"Equal. That's laughable Spike. You hold most of the cards, you are the dealer and the banker in this game."

"Buffy this isn't a game!"

"Isn't it?" Buffy shook her head at his response, she couldn't believe in her dreams and feelings anymore, she felt them shatter within to dust, "Sometimes it feels like you're playing a game, and I'm just a pawn in it!"

He flinched at her words, the thoughts from last night came flooding back, a reminder that the truth was that he had been manipulating her, and everything between them, to suit himself and his own agenda. Yet it looked like this pawn was beginning to struggle, to find her place within the maze of their relationship. Buffy was finding her own voice, and reason in this mess, and she had a right to, he just had to make sure that he was part of that voice and reason.

"Buffy you are not a pawn in any game I'm playing, you have to realize that. You mean more to me than that!"

"Well I'm not so sure of that anymore. I'm not sure of anything anymore." Buffy walked away from him. Spike stood in the kitchen, its silence echoing off the walls and deep into him. It would seem that everything he feared was coming true. He was losing the two most important things in his life.

Through his own stupidity and blindness.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He found her sitting quietly on the sofa, staring into nothingness, lost in a world of her own. Sitting on his knees in front of her, he slowly took hold of her hands, clasping them until they were totally encased in his. He lifted them to meet his lips and gently placed a kiss upon them. Buffy stared through glazed eyes that brimmed with tears. She tried to remove her hands from his, but he applied enough pressure to keep them in his.

"I swear to you, that I only want to do the best I can by you and the baby. I know that it's hard to believe sometimes Buffy, but I do." Spike placed a hand on her chin and brought her face back to his, she turned to look away, wanting to avoid any eye contact. "I'll do anything to prove that to you. Anything Buffy, just name it, and I'll show you that I care about you and the baby!"

Buffy just didn't know what to say, or where to start, the apprehension filled her again, that something was wrong, and most of all the dread that he hadn't been truthful to her filled her with trepidation. The one man that had meant so much in her life, was not telling the truth, holding back information from her, and most of all she was beginning to feel manipulated, that she was being moulded the way he wanted her to be.

"Tell me that you've never lied to me." Buffy put it plainly and simply. "Tell me that I can trust you. Tell me…tell me…"

"What Buffy, what!"

"Tell me that you've never used me."

Spike's mouth hit the floor as he felt the bottom of his world fall from under him, he looked away from her, his hands slipped from hers, as he leaned back onto his haunches. He couldn't reply, the words stuck in his throat. Buffy saw raw emotions flow through his eyes and face, as the truth became obvious. Inside her the man she though he was shattered into a thousand pieces, pain sheared through her heart as it crushed within itself, and her hopes for the future became a mirage that disappeared from view. It left her empty and gutted.

Standing up, she weakly moved past the man that still sat on the floor, she hit her shin on the coffee table, knocking all its contents to the floor. Including the legal papers that he'd put there the night before, to which she'd not paid much attention , but they had her attention now. A bright red file, with, "Summers Affidavit" written across it fell to the floor. Looking back at Spike, she could see that he hadn't moved a muscle, except for the hands that now covered his face in disbelief. Taking the initiative, she picked up the folder and opened it, glancing at the content made her sick to the stomach. She quickly reread the papers, and took in the highlighted areas of the draft document…..

'I Buffy Anne Summers, hereby state the following to be a true and accurate statement….'

'I on the…date yet to be determined…did find my sister; Lily Daisy Freemantle with one Liam James, having sexual relations in my apartment, at….addresses needs to be confirmed... Which then Lily Freemantle requested that I keep silent about and refrain from mentioning to the applicant, William Freemantle.'

Further into the paper she felt the bile hit the back of her throat as she took in even more…

'I also declare that the following copies of letters from my sister, Lily Daisy Freemantle, are true copies, and I freely give them to the applicant William Freemantle, in his application for 'Application of Dissolution of Marriage Application Number 16012801' in support of evidence of the above statement.'

Buffy let it slide from her hands, the sound of fluttering papers caught Spike's attention, as he watched the papers fall before him. Getting quickly to his feet, he scrambled his way to stand beside her, he watched as the tears began to slide down her face, the realisation that he had been using her all this time to get what he wanted, the baby. Every word he uttered just a few minutes ago a lie.

All of it a lie.

"You lying, manipulating bastard!" Buffy slapped him hard across the face, "Get out of my house!"

"Buffy please let me explain!" Spike placed a hand to his flaming cheek that held the imprint of her anger and hurt.

"Get the fuck out of my house!" Buffy turned away from him, yet was kept back as his hands shot out and held her in place. "Let me go!"

"NO!" Spike didn't want to let her go, he wanted to make her understand, make her see the truth and see that he'd changed. To see him. "Buffy please let me explain!"

"Spike let me go!"

"I can't Buffy!" Spike drew her to him, she reared her hand up to his chest as she tried to push him away, "I can't give you up!"

"Because of the baby." Buffy pushed harder, "I'm nothing to you without the baby!"

"I know you feel something for me Buffy! I've seen it in your face!" Spike brought his head down to her face as he tried to engage her in a kiss. "I know you feel it!"

Buffy for a few seconds let him kiss her, she felt her heart rejoice in her one time fantasy, but it was empty and lifeless. For those few seconds Spike thought he had a taste of paradise, that she was relenting to him, that she was reflecting his want and need. It was shattered as she, with a quick shove of her hands on his chest pushed him away. He stumbled backwards until he landed on the wall of the living room. She stood before him with tears running down her face, her hands circling her stomach in a protective way, and the rejection clearly written on her face.

Spike slid down the wall, until he came to be sitting on the floor, his face coming to rest in his hands, she could hear the quiet sobs come from deep within him, he eventually lifted his face covered in tears and grief. The contradiction of what her mind was telling her, and what her heart was crying out, was creating such conflict within herself. She didn't know whether to leave him there in his pain, because he deserved it. Her heart told her another story, that this was real and no matter what had happened before now, was telling the truth. He wanted her, needed her and not just because of the baby, yet the little voice in the back of her mind reminded her that, she wouldn't be in this predicament if it wasn't for the baby. He probably would never have looked sideways at her, even if he and Lily had divorced.

The contradiction was pulling her apart, she couldn't believe things had come to this point, numbness filled every cell in her being, and choked her voice, and she couldn't utter a word. She gave in to that feeling as she walked back to the sofa and just sat. She looked out the open window into the glare of the day. She heard him quietly and slowly stand up from the floor, the soft footsteps of his walk until he stood next to the sofa, and the quiet words he spoke, "I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I shouldn't have grabbed you like.."

"That's not what I meant." Buffy looked at him quickly, "Why this? Why now?"

"This?"

"The sudden show of emotions, you're getting what you've always wanted. The baby. Why drag me into it? Why?"

"Because I think that I'm falling in..."

"Don't say it! Don't you dare say it!" Buffy felt the tears rise to her eyes again. "Don't you dare say those words to me!"

"Why? Do you think I'm beneath you too?"

"What?"

"Forget it!" Spike exploded, in strides he moved to the front door and opened it. He just stood there trying to walk out, trying to leave, but something held him firm in his place. He couldn't do this a second time, he couldn't give up everything, and walk away, not again. With him being the stupid git that he was, he hadn't realised until it was maybe too late, that Buffy and the baby, were his life and soul. He couldn't give them up for anything or anyone, even as hard as it was going to be, he was willing to give everything up for them, even his pride, and even his soul.

"So you walk out on me again?"

In response to her question Spike shut the door that stood open before him, slamming it on its hinges as he walked back to her. He went and sat on the opposite sofa, but at the other side, he didn't want to scare her off.

"I don't know who you are anymore?" Buffy brought her feet up onto the sofa as she sat sideways. "You're not who I thought you were."

"Was I ever? Or just a fantasy of someone you thought I was."

"I don't know."

Spike took a chance, and moved over to her side of the room again, he carefully moved into the seat next to her. Taking an even greater chance, he had to do something about this situation, it had already spiralled out of control, and he wanted to retrieve something from this mess. Even try to make something come from it. He had to try.

"All I know is that things change. Life changes. We change." Spike took a leap of faith and took her hand. "I am part of that man you think I am, but there's more to me than that."

"I don't think I know who you are anymore." Buffy looked at him with distrust and pain on her face. "I don't know what you want?"

"Buffy I think you know who I am and what I was when this all started." Spike squeezed her hand, "And I think you know what I want."

"The baby!"

"More than that and you know it! Deep down you know it!"

"What? What do you want from me?"

"All of you."

"How do you expect me to believe a word that comes out of your mouth?" Buffy pulled herself away from him. "Every word you use to your own advantage. I don't know if I can believe you anymore."

"Then let me ask you Buffy. What do you want me from me? You wake up today, and everything has changed. I am not the enemy!" Spike was at his wits ends.

"Said the Trojans to the Greeks!"

"Bloody hell, Buffy! What are you after, my blood! I bare myself to you and you walk all over it like it's dirt beneath your feet!"

"Do you just expect me to go all soft and fuzzy, and drop to your feet in adoration?"

"I don't know what to expect, but not this!" Spike stood up and looked at her as she sat on the couch, "Maybe I was hoping we could be together, united and a family!"

"That's what it always come down to Spike, doesn't it." Buffy looked up at him. "Spike wants to play happy families!"

Spike went absolutely pale in the face, he face went blank, and it was like he had become ice inside, Buffy felt a twinge inside her, as a small dread filled her.

"Happy families! Hmmpt! Yes Buffy talking about playing happy families, you and Lily are more similar than you think, because you just sounded like the bitch!" Spike turned away from Buffy as he spoke. "Maybe you could keep the tradition of kicking me in the teeth when I'm at the lowest, that's what you Summer's women seem good at!"

Buffy felt her stomach turn at his accusation, it wasn't true, one thing she wasn't was Lily. She would never be like Lily. How could he even think that? The very thought he would even think that sunk the final nail in the coffin. "Get out!"

"Gladly!" Spike looked at her, his eyes sharp and brutal as they summed her up, and judged her guilty. This time he did walk to the door, slammed it as he walked out on her, and walked away. Again. This time it was far worse than before, this time he felt as if his soul was being ripped from him, the pain was immense that he felt from her accusations and the home truths that had come to surface. It was far worse than Lily, but this time even though he walked away, he knew he couldn't stay away, too much was at risk.

He was determined to have her. Her and the baby.

The house had been so quiet these two weeks, and she hadn't heard from Spike. It felt like a thousand times, that she'd picked up the receiver on the phone just to call him, just to make sure that he was okay. However, her pride always got the better of her and made her hand heavy, until she replaced it back onto its cradle. Pride was stoping her from seeking him out, and stoping the pain that tore through her every second, of every minute, of every hour. Self doubt became paramount with each day that passed, that she'd made some unfair judgements, as far as he'd been concerned, that maybe the whole situation had gotten out of control, and they could have dealt with this in a better way. She realised that he had something to answer for, and her need to protect herself had spiralled out of control. As he'd let his stubbornness and self determination override any hope of talking it through calmly and peacefully.

Yet the fact that not even once, had he even tried to get in contact with her, hurt her deeply. It helped in keeping her pride in control of her emotions, and dampen any resolve in seeking him out. She hadn't really slept much in the last few weeks, she'd lay in her bed at night, straining to hear the front door open, and hear the footsteps on the landing. Yet like every night, she'd waited in vain. It just intensified her feelings of betrayal and desertion, even though she'd been the one to tell him to 'get out'. She'd hoped deep down that he would fight harder for her, and for them.

Yet he hadn't, he'd walked out on her without a singular glance back, the cold look on his face, had killed any hope of that. He'd compared her to Lily, he'd compared her to the woman that had deeply betrayed him. That was the cruellest thing that he could have ever said to her, she'd learnt what a convincing liar her sister had become, and he dared compare her to Lily. Quietly, she halted her train of thought, as she reminded herself that she'd allowed Lily's words from her letter to come back and haunt her. She'd permitted them to sway her thoughts and accuse him of just about everything. She'd let her insecurities nurture those accusations, and her pain give rise to them.

And her pride deny her everything else.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The hotel room was cold and impersonal, but it was better than either place he'd called home. Home with Lily. Home with Buffy. The opulence of the room, with all it's conveniences and beautiful views of the city, didn't make an ounce of difference to him. He'd stared out this same window for two weeks, looking at everything and nothing. The only view he saw was Buffy telling him to 'get out', and leave their…no… her home. He was totally defeated, he didn't know how to tell her he was sorry, that at least wasn't a lie, and his dreams for them weren't just an empty fantasy.

So again, he started what had seemed to become a ritual to hide his pain, and give him time to forget. Grabbing his coat, he walked across the street to the bar opposite the hotel and sat himself down on the same stool, he had been sitting every night for at least the last week. The barman greeted him with some hesitance in the nod of his head, Spike may have been repeated business, but he was repeat drunk business, and too some effect he keep the ladies in for that little while longer. Even though he had a few ladies attention every night, he never left with one of them, he'd talk but that was about it, just talk. Yet he'd always leave on closing time, sometimes as drunk as he could make himself, with such a lost look on his face.

Tonight was no different, as he sat and ordered the same straight whiskey as always. The same thoughts would fill his mind, he'd try to find the right words to say, to make her see that he was sorry for everything, to make her see what he felt for her was real, to see that they belonged together. Each swallow of alcohol made the dream more real and possible, as the drink fogged his brain to the true reality around him. It gave him the courage in his mind to do what he just couldn't do.

Go and talk to her.

"Hey mate! Another!" Spike lifted up the empty glass to the barman.

"So what's your poison?" a feminine voice came from beside him, as a petite blonde came and sat beside him. For a microsecond he thought she'd come to him, for a microsecond he actually felt happiness, for a microsecond he felt relieved. Spike nodded his head politely to acknowledge her presence, but didn't talk to her, the last thing he wanted was to get into any conversation, the only thing he wanted to get acquainted with was the J.D.. "Let me guess the shy type?"

"Look Miss, I really am not interested in any conversation or small talk." Spikes grabbed the refilled drink, and threw it straight down his throat. "If you'll excuse me."

"Such the gentlemen! But no need to leave, I mean I'm just looking for some company." The blonde didn't give up easy. "They say misery loves company."

"Who said I was miserable?"

"Honey it's pouring off you in showers! Your so standoff'ish they'd have to peel it off with acetone, to get it off you!"

"Look lady like I said. I aint interested in any conversation or small talk!"

"Okay, okay!" She moved back deeper into her stool, and ordered a drink, occasionally she'd eye the platinum blonde, looking for that moment when the booze would kick in, and so would she.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The phone rang late that night, as Buffy was just about to go to bed, she'd had another long soak in the bath to try and relieve the deep tension she was feeling. She was trying to relax for the sake of the baby, her blood pressure hadn't been good, when she'd gone to visit Dr Singer for a check up. She couldn't deny the reason why her pressure was so high, but she was just to damn proud to do anything about it. She got up from her dresser, pulling herself up slightly with the edge of the furniture for leverage, and walked to her extension next to the bed.

"Hello."

"Hello Miss Summers?" a quiet British female voice asked.

"Yes, who's this?"

"Excuse me Miss Summers', but its Evelyn Freemantle here." The voice on the other side identified herself. "I'm sorry to call so late, well I'm not sure what time it is there. I'm calling from London, my dear and this was a number that was given to me sometime ago."

"Mrs Freemantle?"

"Yes dear, William's mother. I'm trying to find my wayward son, we haven't heard from him in about two weeks, and he hasn't been at the office, and his not answering the phone. I thought that maybe you may have heard something from Lily, about where he maybe?"

"No. No I haven't heard from either him or Lily." Buffy tried to keep her voice calm and rational.

"Have you heard or seen from him at all?" She asked, but the hesitancy was thick in her voice as she continued. "Well I can't suppose that you have. We, well his father and I were hoping that he and Lily might have been together. You know my dear, forgotten all this silliness about a divorce. Young people these days, no idea about marriage and commitment."

Buffy nearly dropped the phone as she listened to his mother, and the obvious truth that they didn't know about her or the baby, their grandchild, she carried. Spike hadn't even bothered to tell them, or so it would appear. She felt like she was a secret kept from the parents, something to be ashamed of, even though she knew that not to be true. She knew that Spike probably had his reason's, but that didn't help her not feel like a dirty little secret, to be keep from family and friends.

Trying to keep her composure, Buffy spoke to the woman. "I'm sorry Mrs Freemantle, but I have absolutely no idea where your son is, and to be honest I haven't seen him in a few weeks."

"Alright, I am sorry to bother you dear at this time of night. May I ask how your sister is at least?"

"She's fine." Buffy could only guess.

"Good." Mrs Freemantle replied. "Well dear I must keep ringing around and try to find him, if you see him will you tell him to call his mother!"

"I'm sure he's alright Mrs Freemantle. If there's one thing he can do that's look after himself." The sarcasm rich in her voice.

"Goodnight."

"Goodbye Mrs Freemantle." Buffy hang the phone back onto its cradle, as the conversation reverberated deep within her mind. She felt so let down, and further betrayed by him, as the conversation with his mother made it plain, that he hadn't even told his family about her or the baby.

Yet the phone call had only stirred further concern she been feeling about Spike, despite everything that had happened, she still was worried about him. She would have thought, that he would have at least let her know where he was, just in case anything had happened in her pregnancy. This was totally out of character for him, especially considering that even when he and Lily had been together, they'd or he had always let her know where they'd gone for quiet weekends away. Even when no else knew where they were, Buffy was the one person that did. Hoping that he hadn't done anything stupid or irrational, she made the decision to go find the stupid idiot, despite everything she still did care about him.

Walking to her closet she dressed, in jeans jumper and jacket, as it was turning into a bleak night with what looked like storm clouds. Of all the nights for her to go looking for him, it would have to be this one, but deep down she knew she wouldn't sleep, knowing that no one appeared to know where he was. Taking a deep breath, she walked down the staircase, out the back to the garage and her car. Sliding into the drivers seat she adjusted the seat to accommodate her growing size, and readjusted the mirrors, and for a moment she just sat there. Not sure where to start, she ran the possibilities through her mind, and came up with a blank. She supposed the most obvious place was his home, the one that he'd shared with Lily all these years.

Gunning the engine, she reversed the car out of the drive, and turned down the street en route for the upper end of town, towards her destination.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So cutie, whattt….what brings.. you to a placceee like this?" Spike's words slurred as the alcohol clouded his thoughts; he also swayed slightly in his chair, as the blonde leaned over to show more of her cleavage to the drunk. She suggestively inclined her body over him, and glided her hand along his button shirt, feeling the stitching along the midline of the fabric, grazing her manicured nails along the surface. He never felt her hand lean further over his shirt, near his coats' inner pocket, as she relieved him of his wallet. To onlookers it looked like a couple getting all heavy at the bar, and they looked like they were enjoying it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy stood on the front step of the entrance to the house, she swore to herself she would never enter again. With some courage she made her way to the front door, and rang the bell, she waited for a short time, before she pushed her face onto the glass that stood at the side of the massive front entry doors. She could just see a light on, that came from the kitchen from the back of the house, she banged her fist on the door, hoping that this may persuade Spike to come out of hiding. When that appeared not to be working, she made her way around to the back of the house and the source of the light.

With a clearer view of the inside of the house, she could see that no one appeared to be in the lower levels of the house. Deciding to take a chance that he was upstairs, she took out her keys to the house that Lily had given to her, when Spike and Lily had first brought the house, and let herself in. She walked into the spotless kitchen, which Lily had always insisted on, being the neat freak that she was, its' pure white décor giving Buffy the shivers like it always did. Its stark impersonality had always made her cringe, and considering what had happened over the last months, made her hate it even more.

Making her way into the lounge room, to her horror she took the sight of the room in, and its horrendous contrast to the kitchen. Furniture had been overturned, curtains pulled down, coffee and side tables smashed, with glass sheered in every centimetre of the room. It recked of alcohol, as Buffy could see what was left of bottles littered across the carpet, and amber stains on the pure white paint of the walls. It looked like the place had been ransacked, but she knew better, it looked like Spike had been taking his anger out on the room. A bitter shiver ran down her spine, she'd never known him to lose his cool like this, he'd always never been shy to show his feelings, but never like this. It looked as if a rage had taken hold of him, and the room had born the brunt of it.

With some hesitancy, she walked into the hallway, turning on lights as she went to find her way along the house. She found the upstairs in even darker disarray, and the most derelict room was the master bedroom. Clothes were thrown everywhere, and furniture over turned, the dresser was the only piece of furniture not showing any signs of damage.

On it, she found two piles of pictures of her and Lily, all the pictures of her sister torn into little pieces, and those of her littered the dresser. The ones where she stood alone ran along the mirror of the dresser, and others obviously of her and her sister were torn into two, hers' lay spread over the surface of the dresser and those of her sister littered the floor. Yet one clear stood out, it was turned up on one side, it was a Christmas picture of the tree of them, taken when they'd decided to go ahead with the surrogacy, together they stood arms around each other, with Buffy in the middle. Except now Lily had been torn out of the picture, and just the two of them stood side by side, with Spike looking at her with such a joyful look on his face, filled with gratitude that he was finally going to get the family he dreamed of. Buffy could feel the tears strain in her eyes, they'd been so happy on that day, well Buffy had thought that all three of them had been happy.

Memories of that day came back, as Buffy remembered Lily huddled in the corner of the room, talking on her mobile phone, trying to placate someone. She remembered that Lily had made some excuse that it was some relative of Spikes', wanting them to come over for Christmas. Closing her eyes in hate and loss, she could only now surmise that she had been talking to Liam, and had been trying to put him off from seeing her that day.

Yet the sight around her worried her even more, the destruction of the house showed the dark feelings that had a grip on Spike. With an even greater concern, she looked around the house trying to find a clue about where he could be. It was obvious that no one was living here in this mess. Giving up and going back down the stairs, the hallway phone caught her attention, the phone book lay strewn on the floor, it's pages folded in on themselves or torn at the edge's from being harshly discarded. With a little intuition, Buffy picked up the phone and waited to see if the dial tone came. The purring of the tone showed that the phone was still connected, with a single finger she hit the redial button, and waited for the person at the other end to pick up the phone.

"Hello Majestic Hotel, how may I help you?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Driving her way across town once more, she drove towards the hotel after talking to a very reluctant receptionist, she'd managed to get out of her that 'yes a Mr Freeman', was staying at the hotel, and that 'yes it would be nice if his pregnant wife surprised him, whilst he was on business, because she missed him so much'. It had been hard to lie, but she hoped the 'pregnant wife' bit, would loosen the tongue of the woman who answered the phone. The 'Mr Freeman' part was easy to guess, Spike was so predictable in some things, he always use the same bogus name when he wanted anonymity, or wanted too escape with Lily for a little while. At least some of Lily's little titbits about their weekends away, ways paying off.

The valet took the car keys from her, as she dropped the car of to be parked; the doorman tipped his hat in greeting as he opened the door for her. Walking through the grand foyer of the hotel, with its velvet lounges and high chandeliers, Buffy could see that at least Spike had decided to do his running away in style. She headed straight to the Reception Desk and waited for the young man to finish serving his guest, "I won't be a moment madam," as he acknowledged her presence.

She waited a good five minutes for the two to finish whatever they were doing, and finally had the staffs attention. "How may I help you madam?"

"I would like to speak with one of your guests, a Mr Freeman please."

"And you are madam?"

"Mrs Freeman." She'd gotten this far lying, she might as well go the whole yard, as she smiled hoping that this would convince him even more of her lie. She made it even worse by standing back a bit from the counter, and rubbing her pregnant tummy. "I thought I'd surprise Daddy with a visit from the little one." She pointed her finger towards her 'bump'.

"Ahh what a lovely surprise Mrs Freeman. I'm sure Mr Freeman would enjoy seeing you, but unfortunately I just cannot give you access to his room because, you say your Mrs Freeman. I'm sorry, but its hotel policy."

"I totally understand that, but could you ring him and tell him that 'Buffy's here'?"

"One moment." He moved away and picked up the phone dialled a number and waited, after a short time he came back. "I'm sorry Mrs Freeman, but his not answering. Would you care to wait in the lobby for him?"

"Yes thank you, but would you keep trying? Please it's important." Buffy pleaded with the man.

"Please take a seat and I'll let you know if and when he answers, or you can catch him on his way back in."

"Thank you." Buffy walked over to one of the deep lounges and took up residency in the seats, and waited.

For a while Buffy watched the traffic, come and go within the hotel lobby, the doorman smiled as sometime later he walked passed her and whispered something to the man behind the desk, as he peered back at her. She watched him walk passed her again with this time a strained smile, and the look of he 'knew something'. Not wanting to wait for them to come to her, she made her way to the front door and the door attendant.

"Have you seen him?"

"Him madam?"

"Yes him, Mr Freeman?" Buffy was getting more frustrated as time passed.

"Umm, yes Madam I have, but you're better waiting here. It is warmer in here and it is raining outside Madam. No type of weather for a pregnant lady like you to be in." He gestured with his hand the rain that had started to fall, and the warm interior of the hotel.

"Where is he? Please it's important?"

"Please Madam…"

"Just tell me!"

With great hesitation, he gestured out the door and across the street. "I believe Sir is in that establishment. See Madam, it's much better that you wait in here." His distaste for the bar clear to see on his face.

Not wanting to wait, or care for the door attendant's obvious displeasure, she opened the door herself and walkout onto the street. She crossed the road, as the rain came pouring down. Buffy grabbed her lapels and hugged the coat as closely as she could to herself, as the water damped her hair. Standing in front of the shopfront, Buffy peered in.

Stunned and too shocked to move she watched as a blonde woman, encased herself around Spike, with no inhibitions as she flashed her low cut blouse in front of him. She watched as the woman's hand ran along his chest, and into his coat, grazing the fabric with her nails. What made it worse was Spike did nothing to stop her, nothing to get the woman off him. He did nothing, but smile and whisper something to her.

Like the rain that fell around her, her tears poured in silence, not heard or seen by the man they were for. He didn't see her standing there, see her pain, or see her cry of disappear that screamed from inside her. He was too caught up in the woman, who was trying to get him interested in her. The woman he was letting touch him, because he couldn't have the one he really craved, because she reminded him a little of her. Her hair and size, was enough to give him the distraction she was, he knew it wasn't her, but for a few minutes he let himself think that it was.

He let him self live his drunken haze fantasy.

The barman noticed her in the cold wet rain, just standing there with her coat huddled around her, and her protruding stomach that showed her pregnancy. He put down the glass he was cleaning, intent on going out and getting the woman to either come in and have refuge from the rain, or go home and forget the bum she was obviously trying to find. He may run a bar, but it was respectable and he was a man of good principle. As he walked passed Spike, he put his glass down and asked for 'another shot', the barman ignored the drunk. Making his way from behind the bar, Spike watched in disgust as he wasn't served. "Hey I wanttt myyy drink!" His eyes followed the barman, as he went to the front door and moved along the front of the bar, until they reached the shopfront window.

"Oh fuck!"

Before him stood Buffy, watching him through the window, standing in the rain. He could see the droplets of rain on her face, as they ran down onto her coat. He watched as water brimmed over her eyes, it took him a second to release that the moisture on her face was a mixture of rain, and tears. He disentangled himself from his distraction, as she turned and ran across the street, he stumbled across the bar floor, watching as she disappeared from his line of sight. Out finally on the street he looked up and down the street trying to find her.

"Bloody fucking hell!"

She'd totally disappeared from view, until he heard the unmistakable reeving of the four-wheel drive she drove, she sat in the car directly opposite him, and just stared at him. The blank look on her face, showed her flat emotions, and her hurt that she'd come to suppress.

"Wait Buffy!" Spike ran across the road and stopped directly in front of the driver door, he tried in vein to open it. "Buffy, please wait! Buffy! Please don't lock me out!"

Buffy titled her head towards him, and wiped her face as a single tear feel down her face, in defiance of her feelings at this single moment in time. "I just did." She quickly wiped another away and turned away from him, as she put the car into first gear, and drove away.

Spike fell to his knees at the sight of the departing car, like the rain that fell onto his face, so did the tears. He was totally defeated, he'd fuck up any chance to get her back, she'd never give him a second chance…like everything he touched lately, it fell apart around him. His grief gave way to pain as his tears fell like rain.

Chapter 11

Forgiveness Begins In Hope

The reflection of him on his knees in the rear view mirror, passed through her dreams as she slept, the vision of him fading from view as she drove away haunted the deep recesses of her mind.  The sound of the rain beating down on the car, became louder with each passing moment, pulsating through her ear drums, until she couldn't stand its hollow sound no more. The thumping sound carried through her body, until its rhythm took hold of her abdomen, as she clutched her stomach in response the rhythm turned into thuds against her flesh. She realised that the thud was the sharp kick of her baby, and the loud banging was the sound of someone at the door, as she as roused from fitful slumber.

She lay on the sofa, covered by a soft woollen overthrow that cocooned her body as she had sought the solace and release that sleep gave her. A place to rest, to dream, to crave…a haven from the reality of the world. Besides Dr Singer had told her to get rest, as much as she could stand, as her high blood pressure persisted, and it was something she could live without, but yet seemed an impossibility, with the unresolved issues that surrounded her. She couldn't stand where she was anymore, her own home had became a cage for her, she'd lost all interest in the outside world, as her own world had fallen apart.

The persistent banging continued to intrude on her dozing mind, her head thumped with the headache that had followed her into sleep. She opened her eyes to the world around her.  Moving the blanket off her, she slowly made her way from the sofa to the front door and stood on tippee toes, hanging onto the handle for support, to see who her caller was. The opaque glass couldn't conceal the identity, the platinum hair was unmistakable.

So things had come full circle, her he stood on her front step banging on her door, like many months ago when she'd learnt of her pregnancy. Quickly she pulled herself down from peering through the glass, as the knocking suddenly stopped, she could feel the butterflies in her stomach come to life. He was here. Taking deep breaths she tried to calm herself down, leaning into the wood of the door with the side of her body, she placed her palm on its cool surface, just wanting to absorb the man behind it. Too scared to open the door, to face him, and learn of what he may have to say to her.

He'd seen her peer through the glass panel in the door, even though he couldn't see her face, he knew she was there, inside,  behind the door. The risk of coming here was great,  but after last night he had to act fast and try to repair the damage. Spike had really wanted to take his time, and gently approach her, get her to trust him again, to try to rebuild his life again around her. Yet now he couldn't see any other way but to come to her, to seek her out, and do anything he could to try and make it right again. All he really hoped for was that she'd listen to him and give him the chance to explain. For hope was all he had left.

The object of all his desires stood behind the door, he raised his hand to gently knock again, but hesitated. Intuition took over control as he placed his palm on the door; a great feeling of relief and need flooded his body, as he could just sense her through the wood.  Leaning his head as closely as he could to the edge of the door pane, he could hear her breathe, slow deep breaths of oxygen, but still she didn't open the door.

"Buffy, please open the door." His voice was quiet and soothing to her raw nerves. "Please luv! Open the door."

Buffy still stood frozen in the spot she found herself in, unable to decide whether to let him in or not. Her mind whirled with the images of his betrayal and desertion of her, her heart counteracted it, with the images of her calling him 'a manipulating bastard' and telling him to 'get out'. They all swelled together making it even harder to just think of what she should do, keep him out or let him in, every action would result in a reaction, a consequence of that action, and each one she feared.

"Please Buffy open the door!" Desperation flowed through each syllable he spoke, each word just barely audible through the wood. "Let me in Luv!"

With a slow hand, she put on the door latch and opened the door just an inch, peering through she finally looked at him. He looked like he'd been dragged thru hell and back, he desperately needed a shave, the bristles on his face gave it a ragged look, and his hair was unkempt. She could see that he hadn't kept up with dying his hair, the dark roots of his hair peered through the blonde, it curled instead of the straight back look he usually wore.

"Spike, please leave me alone." Buffy pleaded with him, she was so tired. "I'm not up to visitors, please."

"Let me in Luv. Open the door properly and let me in." Spike tried his best to take a good look at her, she looked so hurt and tired. He hated to see her like this, and hated himself more because he knew that he was responsible for it. "Please Luv, invite me in. Let me make sure your okay."

"I'm okay, you don't have to worry about me. I'm doing fine by myself."

"Buffy," Spike moved as close as the door would let him, slowly he risked everything including his fingers, as he put them through the crack in the door and onto her hand that held the door frame. "Open the door or I'll break it down!"  He'd lost all patience, as he was so desperate to talk to her, now that he'd seen her and how she was. His concern for her condition made him forget the reason he came, and his voice rose with a need to get past the door.

"Please Luv…I'm sorry,  I didn't mean to scare you…please…let me in!"

Buffy looked away from him, and the desperate look that lay over his face, and the grovelling need in his voice. She shut the door with a slow hand, and felt like she was on automatic pilot as she undid the chain on the latch, and opened the door. Standing aside, she hid behind the door, as Spike didn't hesitate to walk through, and into the lounge room. He turned to watch her close the door behind him.  She looked so withdrawn from the world around her, and so tired that he just wanted to pick her up and take her to her bed to sleep.

"How are you?" Spike asked her as she walked into the room and took her seat back on the sofa.

"Fine." Buffy glanced quickly at him, but refused to have any eye contact, she just couldn't bear to look at him. "I'm fine Spike, like I said I'm doing okay by myself."

"You don't look it!" Spike sat next to her, but she reacted by moving deeper into the corner of the sofa, to move as far away from him as she could. "Buffy, I need to talk to you, to explain…to make you see and understand.."

"I think I saw enough last night Spike!"

"What you saw last night Buffy was me as pissed as a newt, and being a bloody git!" Spike tried to make her more comfortable by moving to the opposite corner of the sofa, he wanted to be close to her, but not scare her away.

"That's not an excuse Spike! Not for any of it!" Buffy voice was filled with icy retort.

"No it's not." Spike ran his hand through his hair in frustration,  and with some hesitancy, he thought that he had nothing to lose in telling her the truth. "The booze is no excuse Buffy for what I did, and I'm sorry for it. But you have to understand why I did it Buffy! Why I let it go that far!"

"More excuses Spike? I gotta hear this one! Did you practise it on the way over? Are you well rehearsed on your lines Spike or is it more lies?"

"Enough Buffy!" Spike moved over towards her, he leant over and took her face in his hands, to make her look at him as he wanted her to see that he was telling the truth, he wanted her reaction to what he was going to say. "Yes I was drunk. Yes, I let her touch me. Yes I am guilty of all that! But the truth is Buffy for those few minutes you saw me, I was letting myself be free! Letting myself have what I wanted! Letting myself have a drunken fantasy! I let myself pretend she was someone else!"

The stunned look on her face said it all, she was taken aback by his confession, and it was the last thing that she expected him to say. Yet her heart wasn't relieved by his admission, somehow it lessened some of the pain she was feeling, it still hurt that he could have let himself do something like that, but the truth of his words were not missed by her.

"You pushed me out Buffy. I wanted, no, I needed to feel something! I needed to feel you around me. I've missed you and needed you these last few weeks. I never should have walked out that door the other night. I should have stayed and talked to you!"

"You said some horrible things to me! I felt like all you ever wanted from me was the baby! I was just the attachment to the baby! And the means to an end, to get your divorce over quickly! That legal paper thingy..Affidavit..or whatever you call it, that was the final straw for me! I felt used Spike! Just a thing for you to use until you got what you wanted!" A single tear fell down her face as she let the words come from her mouth, all her insecurities and fears. She just gushed them out, it wasn't all of them, but they were the most poignant to her. "You never would have noticed me…never! Even if Lily was gone, you never would have given me a second glance if it wasn't for the baby!"

"I saw you Buffy, even when I was with Lily. I saw you as my sister-in-law, and that made you forbidden territory…and I was in love with your sister. I thought we had everything, the perfect life and marriage, but I was wrong." Spike tilted his head as he looked at her with blue eyes mirroring his fear of her rejection. "The baby is the best thing that could have happened to me. To us. Yes, it made me look at you. Made me notice you. Don't think that I would never have noticed you Buffy, even if there was no baby, I still would have found and wanted you!"

"How can I believe you?"

"Despite everything Buffy I do care deeply about you! I want you in my future. You are everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, and in every bloody breath I take. I'm drowning in you Summers." Spike leaned into her, his face so close to hers, all she could see was his eyes, as the rest of their surroundings were blocked out by his gaze. "Give me another chance, that's all I ask of you. Give us a chance Buffy. It was so good before all this happened. Forgive me, please Buffy, forgive me."

"Forgive you?"

"Yes forgive Buffy." His iris opened as he pleaded with her, becoming more prominent as he moved a few centimetres closer and softly kissed her lips, just touched them with his own, no pressure, just barely touching her. "I want you and I together Buffy. All of us."

"You're asking for a lot Spike." Buffy leant back a little. "You want so much. I don't know if I can, the last few weeks have been a nightmare and I don't know if I can stand much more."

"Then start with a little bit at a time Buffy." Spike took her face between his hands. "Just a little bit. We have to try and make something of this, for us."
"You make it sound so easy. It's not Spike, it's complicated and messy!" Buffy turned her head away. "I don't know if I have the strength to do anything anymore. I'm just too tired."

"Then rest. Let me carry you for a while. I understand you're angry and hurt, but I never meant for things to get like this. I swear to you that the last thing that I wanted was a wedge between us. I won't let that happen again Buffy! You and the baby are all I have left worth anything in the world, and I won't give you up!" His words were harsh and determined, proclaiming his fortitude in the matter. "And I won't let anything stand in my way Buffy, not even your sister. If she's so determined to have everything, then let her! It's not worth it!"

"Not worth it? I don't understand?" Buffy turned back to face him, she was really lost now in the confusion of the emotional rollercoaster she was on, her head was in a tail spin enough, without Spike going out on a tangent that she had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

"Lily and those damned letters! I'll get a quicker divorce one way or another!"

"Quicker divorce?"

"Please forget it Buffy, don't worry about it. It's my concern."  

"No make me understand? This is why I'm angry Spike you never tell me anything! Especially where Lily's concerned, you just clam up!"

"Lily has been my problem not yours,  and I never wanted it to be your problem."

"Tell me, make me understand! You just leave me confused and wondering what your motives behind everything you do are! Like that the Affidavit thingy! I gave you those letters to help you,  and you try and drag me into the divorce proceeding with that document! When were you going to tell me Spike? When you were on the court steps with your back to the wall?"

"No Buffy, I was going to talk to you about it. Explain what the paperwork was, and let you decide if you were going to sign it. I never would have forced you to sign it! Never!" Spike touched her cheek with his fingers as he spoke. "You didn't have to sign it Buffy, it would have been your decision to be a part of the proceedings or not. I had never included it in my plans in filing for the divorce, it just would have made things easier and less messy."

"For you or her?"

"Me. If you signed the affidavit, then she has no right to anything that I brought into the marriage. She would be able to have a right to have a stake in my business interests and family belongings.  All of which should be passed onto my child. Our child. Those letter's show her adultery and worse the fact that she asked you to hide the truth from me."

Buffy closed her eyes in anguish as she remembered seeing the papers and unleashing a darker side of herself that she rarely saw. The accusations she'd hurled his way, as she retaliated in pain at the thought he'd been using her for his own means. It had blinded her to only see what she wanted to see, she had no proof to condemn him the way that she had. The very thing she'd hand him to fight Lily with, had come back to crucify her, and wreak havoc with her life.

"I can't tell you how sorry I am about everything. This isn't what I wanted. I just wanted a future that included all three of us. As you so eloquently put it the other night, I just wanted a happy family with you and the baby." Spike brought his hand to her neck, gently massaging the knotted muscles beneath it. "Even if you weren't pregnant I still believe that I would have come to you. In the end I don't think I could imagine ending up anywhere else. That you have to believe in, if nothing else. I know that we have a lot of things to make up for to each other, but it will be worth it. We are worth it Buffy!"

She listened as he said his words, hearing his own hurt and pain in them, her world had done such a three sixty-degree turn, in the last three weeks. It had all seemed so simple in the beginning, have the baby and parent it together, she could never have foreseen this development, never in a million years. The disaster that had followed those few first pleasant weeks, had uncovered the dark side of the consequences of the decisions that they had made. She realised that both of them had been in someway responsible for each other's misery, but could they be responsible for each other's happiness.

 He'd made it so plain to her what he wanted, and still demanded from her in the end, and that was all of her. Right now, all he asked was a little bit of her, yet in the end he'd always want all of her. It was a pity that she didn't have a looking glass that would let her see how the future would have been without her ever being pregnant. At least that would have made things easier, she could have seen whether his prediction of ending up together, wasn't just sweet words to ply her with. She bit her lip, as she struggled against the voice of caution that she'd listened to in the beginning, and that had led to where they were now.

"I'll try." Her words were just a light whisper, of which he just heard and only could have heard as she face hovered close to hers. "I want to try."

"Then forget the past Buffy!" Spike tilted his head as he said his words; a gentle smile filled his face, softening the skin so taunt from the stress. "We both have to forget the past, forgive each other and think about the future we want. Can you do that Luv? Can you forgive me?"

She swallowed hard in contemplation of his request, he was asking for something so simple, yet so binding as there could be no going back, not now,  not ever, this was it. Even with all the reservations she had, she nodded her head, and again her words so softly spoken said, "Yes."

Listening to her answer, he felt his spirit rise as she gave him the answer he so wanted to hear, and could only have imagined. He slowly approached her in his movements as he brought his other hand around her shoulder and brushed his own lips against her, ever so delicately sweeping his on hers. Not demanding, just touches between the two of them, reassuring touches of togetherness, fulfilling the need to acknowledge the need they had between them. Until it wasn't enough for either of them, until it spiralled into a deeper need for each other, a deeper need of reassurance to explore the birth of the new understanding and relationship between the two.

Buffy was the first to allow things to move into a profound union, as Spike was reluctant to move beyond the boundaries he would let her set, he didn't want to break the fragile bond and agreement between them. She was the first to taste his lips, to explore beyond the gentle kisses they'd shared so far, opening herself to him, he took the invitation and explored the inner recess of her mouth with his tongue. Letting it run along her soft tissue, to taste her essence and encourage her to join in the passionate kiss. She rested her hand on his shoulder as she drew herself as closely as she could, considering the obstacle of her pregnancy. She manoeuvred herself until she was comfortable, but not once letting him go, she opened herself fully to him, and allowed herself to get lost in their kiss.  She felt the rough texture of the flesh of his tongue as she slid her own along his, and lost herself within the depths of his mouth.

It filled the empty void that she'd been feeling for so long, it was sealing the bond that they had agreed to share. Making promises to each other, and reaffirming their intentions towards each other. It showed that despite everything they had ignited a fire between them that burned deep inside each of them, keeping them warm, and making it so pleasurable between them.

Feeling the intensity rise between the two of them, Spike pulled himself reluctantly from her, as he struggled for breath. He was spiralling out of control, and heading into a deeper ocean of want and desire that he'd never experienced before, even with Lily and it frightened him. He could easily lose control of himself and push her into something he feared she wasn't ready for, and he didn't want that. As much as he wanted to grab her and carry her upstairs to her bed, he didn't want to frighten her off, and most importantly he didn't know if she physically could. The subject had never come up, and he'd never expected it to, so he never asked Dr Singer. So for better reasons than quenching his own desire for her he pulled away and rested his forehead on her own, as he heard her own deep rasping breaths.

"I should go."

As Spike moved away from her, she tightened her hold on him, she wasn't ready to let him go, not yet anyway. "Stay."

"Buffy I should go." Spike kissed her in a reassuring gesture. "I'd better go before it's too late, and I should let you rest."

"Don't go." Buffy had finally found some peace in her turmoil and she didn't want to let that go.

"Whyyy?" Spike stumbled on his words. "Why's that?"

"Because I'm not ready for you to go!" Buffy was frightened that he'd walk through that door and never come back to her, like he had once before. "Stay here."

"Buffy?"

"Stay in your room. You said that we had to learn to forgive each other, and to me that means trust each other again. How can I do that if you're not here?" Buffy was struggling to find any excuse to keep him here, anything.

"I don't know if that…" The look on her face halted any excuse he was about to use. "Fine, but only if you promise to go now and get some rest."

He stood up on his two feet and put out a hand to help her up from the sofa, he walked behind her as she walked to the stairs and up to her room. He stood in the hallway as she stepped into her room, and shut the door behind her. "Night Luv."  He himself then turned down the hall and to his own room and let himself into the room, the bed was made and everything he'd left lay in its place. It was if he'd never left.

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3:48 am

The clock counted another minute as the two dots between the numbers flashed, he hadn't been able to sleep. His mind full of what had happened tonight, the relief that he felt flooded through his body, it was a bloody miracle she'd given them another chance. He looked at the clock again, as he heard the door to his room open, quickly shutting his eyes he tried to feign sleep. He heard the light footsteps approach the chair in the far corner of the room, and the squeaking of the wicker under the weight of the occupant. In the mirror he watched her reflection bathed in the small amount of moonlight that flooded through the window, she looked like she hadn't slept at all.

He could only guess the rough time she was having, and the conflicting emotional turmoil she was experiencing. He wanted to get out and just hold her. Just let her have someone else take her burden for a while. With out really thinking about it, he rolled over and pulled himself up in the bed, as Buffy sat startled that she'd woken him. She began to get out of the chair to vacate the room, when Spike pulled one of the two pillows from his head, and threw it beside his own. He pulled the covers back from the opposite side of the bed.

"Trust me."

Buffy stood frozen in place, his request was not what she expected from him she only wanted to come and make sure he'd stayed. Yet that didn't satisfy her, she just wanted to watch him sleep, see if she could distinguish the real him, as he relaxed in slumber.

"Trust me."

The second time it was more quiet and hushed than the first. She looked at his face, but it was so hard to read in the dark. Her feet moved her step after step closer to his bed, around its outside, and finally to where the bedding was turned down, she stood shyly unsure of herself.

"Get in Buffy."

Turning around she sat on the side of the bed, and lifted her legs over the side until she lay on her side of the wide bed. She lay there just looking at the wall, as she felt the mattress move under his weight, as he rearranged the sheets and blankets around her.

"Move more into the middle."

Buffy slid herself further into the bed, but still she didn't turn herself over. The sheets were lifted once again as she felt his warmth approach her back, as he laid himself behind her. Running his hand down her arm until he found her hand, and clutched it within his own, securing onto it tightly. He gently nudged her legs into a scissor fashion so he could slip his own leg in between hers, giving him the room to lie as close to her as he possibly could.

"Go to sleep Goldilocks!"

"Who?"

"Go to sleep Buffy."

She closed her eyes finally that night, and let herself feel comforted knowing he was so close to her. Maybe, just maybe her dream could come true. Making sure she was comfortable, Spike let himself down from the elbow that supported his weight as he watched her slide into slumber, and for the first time in three weeks, he gave into the luxury of having what he wanted laying right in his arms.

Hope

Thanks to Kirsty, Darcy and Karen (Karbear57) for their editing and advice...always apprechiated!!!
 

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