Chapter thirteen

DISCLAIMERS: So, I’m at the strip-club the other night with all my girlfriends, enjoying some Silver Clouds and hooting at the male dancers, when the next act is announced. “Ladies! Put your hands together for Jumpin’ Jivin’ Jossssss!” The DJ screams, and sure enough, out comes Mr. Whedon in a black lycra catsuit with the ass-cheeks cut out. I wave a fiver at him and he shimmies over, pulling the top down to reveal his nipple-tassels. I wink and tuck the money in his belt, and he licks his lips in appreciation. “Thankth, mr. monkeybottomth,” he lisps shyly. As he turns to go I slap his ass, making it jiggle happily and his tassels whirl. Wow, anything to make ends meet till ‘Firefly’ starts showing green.

THANKS: Well well, let’s all thank bub, she’s my new beta. I buckled under the pressure and asked her to help me out, since I sucked so badly in my last chapter. I’m the kind of person who HATES when their/there/they’re gets mixed up or its/it’s and so forth, and there I was, making the same mistake THREE times! Thanks to Nancy, for pointing it out too. You didn’t leave your email, but I want to say thanks! Apparently, me re-reading my stuff 5 times does nothing for catching my own errors, lol.

HOLY SCANDAL BATMAN!: Okay, so Merexe was defeated and the gang was all forced to eat peanut butter marshmallow squares. Afterwards Spike showed up at Buffy’s and seduced her but good. I’m sorry, but he would have had me on my back the moment he walked in the room, but hey, who am I to judge? ‘Wait,’ you say, ‘I thought this story was called The Wacky Adventures of Spike and BuffyBOT. What’s with the lack of Botty goodness?’ I just blink and stare at you blankly, cause I’m a little slow.

There’s an arm around my waist.

That was the first thing that popped into Buffy’s head as she slowly woke up. The second, third, and many more followed rapidly, swirling around her brain like leaves in the wind.

There’s the arm of a vampire around my waist. A vampire named Spike. A vampire named Spike that I has wild, hot sex with. Last night. In my bed.

It suddenly hit her and she half jumped, half fell out of the bed, landing on her floor in all her naked glory, butt hitting with a jar. The thud woke Spike, and he slid through the sheets, blinking sleepily at her.

“Legs not working pet?” He drawled slowly, looking like the proverbial cat that ate the canary. Oh, he ate the canary all right...stop it! Stop thinking those thoughts!

“I’m fine.” Buffy said calmly, pretending like it was perfectly normal for her to be naked and on the floor with Spike watching her from her bed. Perfectly normal, yes indeedy.

Spike ran a hand through his hair, managing to smooth his errant waves for a whole one second. They bounced back up immediately, making Buffy giggle. “Oh, something’s funny is it?”

Buffy shrugged and wiggled around a bit, frowning. Her legs were trembly and she was sore...in many places. Images of Spike raced again, Spike licking at her feet, Spike worshiping her with his tongue. Spike biting at her breasts, teeth blunt, mouth sucking to raise the blood to the surface, purple blooming like roses over her skin. Spike kissing her calves, eyes hot and soft all at once, Spike falling to his knees before her after the last time, arms wrapped around her thighs, head resting gently on her belly as she stood uncertainly, her hands stroking his hair. ‘God Buffy‘, he’d muttered, lips tickling,’ I never want it to stop. Never want to stop feeling like this.’ And she’s pulled him up again, falling back on the bed to hold him to her warm body, his arms sliding around her, keeping her close. And then it seemed that wasn’t quite the last time after all.

She went to get up, but discovered, to her dismay (and smug delight) that her legs really weren’t working all that well, and refused to support her weight as she gave a half-hearted attempt at standing.

“Need me to come down there then?” He was grinning at her now and she grinned back, opening her thighs slightly. His smile grew wider and he slipped off the side, landing on top of her with a jar. It didn’t matter though, because his mouth was on hers, and she was ready, ready, she wanted him in her again and again and again until she couldn’t lift her head from exhaustion, until she sighed and stretched in satisfaction, until she wept with relief that he was finally sated.

And she knew that moment would never come.

The first thing Willow saw when she opened her eyes was the smiling face of the Buffybot leaning over her.

“Um...good morning.” She cautiously pulled the covers over her mouth, worried that last night’s late re-programming may not have been totally successful. The Bot pulled back and she relaxed slightly.

“Good morning Willow!” Buffybot’s smile grew as she gestured to the huge pile of Taco Bell on the endtable. “I got breakfast for you!” A chimichanga slid off the top and fell to the carpet.

Willow frowned slightly, looking at the stacks of hot, medium and mild sauce packets arranged on the floor, spelling out the words ‘Willow’s Breakfast’. “Oh, uh, that’s a very...interesting breakfast choice. Thanks. So, uh...you don’t feel the need to kiss me good morning do you?” She eyed the Bot nervously, fingers tense on the blanket.

“No!” The Bot held out a Super Soft Taco.

“Okay then!” Willow bounced off the bed and grinned. “I am the master of all robot re-programming! Go me!” The Bot was still holding out the taco and she grabbed at it, thinking Heck, why not? I can be wild and eat this instead of that healthy banana.

“I’ll go wash up, class starts in a half hour.” She said to the Bot, picking up her towels and toothbrush. “You stay here, okay? No more roaming the campus till Buffy gets back.”

“Yes Willow.” Buffybot sat on the bed obediently and Willow smiled, closing the door behind her.

Two minutes later there was a knock. “Ooooh! A visitor!”

“Can I talk to you?”

“Riley.” The Bot paused for a moment.

Name search: Riley

Riley Finn

-teacher’s assistant

-member of the Initiative

-dating

-big loser

-giant lummox

The Bot waited while her programming updated, smiling sweetly at Riley as he shifted uncomfortably in front of her, waiting for an invite to talk.

PLAY RECORDING:

PLAY RECORDING:

“It’s a tool. Carpenters use tools. I like your tool, Spike.” She leaned in for a kiss but he was suddenly walking, pulling her along with a slight yank.

Buffybot blinked and looked at Riley, still standing awkwardly in the doorway. “Why are you here, Riley Finn?”

He pushed past her and she turned back into the room, watching as he sat on the bed, hands gripped nervously together. “”Buffy, please, I really need to talk to you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about the robot, and for not being there for you when you needed me. The Initiative heard about Warren-”

“Warren’s gone.” The Bot said, looking stern. “I don’t have to go back into the basement!”

Riley nodded at her. “No, you never have to deal with the horrors you went through down there, not ever again. My god but you must have been terrified! I was wrong not to be there with you, to protect you, and well, I was wrong about pretty much everything about what happened. I was wrong not to recognize the glaringly obvious differences between you and the robot. I know who you are.”

“I’m Buffy!” Buffybot said confidently, making Riley nod some more.

“Yes! I know who you are, and I know I’d never mix the two of you up ever again! I mean, as if I could ever look into your beautiful eyes and not know it was you. No one could ever replace you, Buffy.”

“You taste like ashes.”

Riley paused, confused. “What?”

“You’re bad in bed. I hate you Riley Finn! All those times you were making love to me I was thinking of Spike! He’s a real man! I love him! I don’t love you!” Buffybot smiled and opened the door. “Go now! Don’t ever call me again! Oh, and have a great day!”

Riley slowly stood up and walked to the door, giving her a pleading look as he went by her. “Buffy...”

“You’re penis is very small. I have been informed that a man should be at least eight inches long to satisfy the Slayer, and I have also been informed that yours must be around four inches, and very needle-like. I feel sorry for you! Bye now!” She waved happily and shut the door in his face. Turning, she noticed a closet, and opened it. “Oooh! Pretty clothes!”

“I’m back!” Willow breezed through the door, “And look who I found!”

Buffybot put down the skirt she was looking at and smiled. “Hello other Buffy!”

Buffy sighed. “Stop calling me that. I’m Buffy, you’re...I dunno, Slayerbot or whatever.” She noticed the clothes Buffybot was wearing and groaned. “Don’t tell me you’re borrowing my stuff now too! Willow!” She crossed her arms and glared at the still-smiling Bot. “She’s like the little sister I never wanted.”

Willow hurried over and took the hangers from Buffybot, handing them over to a pouty Buffy. “Um, we’ll get you your own clothes, okay?” She said to the Bot, who nodded pleasantly.

“Whatever.” Buffy hung the clothes back up and yawned, too tired to even cover her mouth. Willow noticed.

“Didn’t get enough sleep last night, Buffy?” She asked, concerned.

Buffy started guiltily, and looked at Willow like a deer caught in the headlights.

Spike was thrusting in her, the bed rocking violently. She was glad her mom had left for work already, the headboard was banging, pictures rattling on the walls. She grabbed at the bars and Spike put his hands over hers, his hard stomach against her back, lips sucking on the back of her neck. God, she was on fire.

“Buffy?” Willow asked again. Buffy blinked at her.

“Oh...uh, yeah, I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night after all. I uh, was all wound up so I went patrolling.”

Willow nodded in understanding. “Yeah, patrolling always helps you sleep.”

Her legs were up by his ears now, and he grabbed at her ankles, grip firm, and used his purchase to full advantage, thrusts sharp and deep now, breath coming faster, eyes burning in hers. She gasped and he ran his hands down her thighs, bending her even more to him, feet brushing against the still-shuddering headboard.

Buffy blushed. “Mmm hmmm.”

Willow bustled around the room, picking up the Taco Bell leftovers and placing them in her mini-fridge till it was practically bulging. “Well, anyways, later today I have to go talk to Spike, figure out what we should do with the Slayerbot.” She gave a final shove and the little door closed. “There! Want to come along?”

“I’m coming Slayer.” Spike moaned in her ear, making her tingle. Her skin was alive with sensation, and his words inflamed her. “Yeah, that’s right, come with me baby. I wanna hear you scream.” He shook, arms trembling as he came hard, and she was swept along with him, his name torn from her lips over and over again.

Buffy tried to look nonchalant. “Maybe. We’ll see if I have time. There’s a few people I need to talk to as well. I bumped into my Psyche prof in the hall and he wants me to come talk to him this afternoon. Plus, I need a nap, and I have to get to class. Plus, I need to sort a few things out with Riley.” She laid down on her bed, feeling rather drained.

The Bot gave her a blinding smile. “I broke Riley’s heart!”

There was a shocked moment.

“Willow!” Buffy popped back up and turned to her best friend, who was looking rather guilty. “You said you’d re-programmed her!”

Willow clutched her hands together. “I said I’d started, I didn’t have time to go over every single one yet! I just wanted her to stop kissing me!”

“And I want her to stop breaking up with my boyfriends!” Buffy flopped down again, one arm flung over her eyes.

“His penis is too small to pleasure a Slayer.”

Two sets of eyes swiveled over to the Bot, who was still standing by the closet. She smiled.

Willow looked at Buffy, who was more than a little pink in the cheeks. “Buffy?”

Buffy sat up and looked at the floor. “Well, you know, there was that time...at the frat house...he seemed, uh, you know...” Her eyes closed a moment in abject humiliation, then opened, fixed on the floor. “Bigger.” She whispered.

“The frat house.” Buffybot nodded. “I stopped the evil there. There was a spell!”

Buffy looked at Willow, who nodded slowly, her own cheeks bright red now. Buffy shrugged. “Oh. Okay then.” She sighed. A spell, huh. Well, that explained the incredible leap in Riley’s sexual prowess...

“Xander likes wrenches.” Buffybot announced loudly, making the two girls stare at her in utter confusion.

“Mmmm...Slayer, very nice.” Spike held out the red lacy teddy and nodded in approval. “You really are a naughty, naughty little superhero, aren’t you?” He fingered the silk for a moment and then replaced it, rummaging through the drawer some more, pulling out a large pair of battered cotton panties. “Hmmm, not so sexy, these. Must be for those ‘special’ days.”

Closing the dresser drawer, he turned towards the night table with a grin, and opened it up. “Well well, what have we here? ‘Property of Buffy Summers.’” He held the diary up in triumph.

Buffy wouldn’t like you reading her things. Going through her scanty panties is one thing, reading her innermost private thoughts is another. Spike paused for a moment, debating, then scoffed loudly. Please, I’m evil!

He settled into the bed and opened the book at a random place, frowning slightly as he read. “Dear Dairy, blah blah blah, I love a poofter, yawn, evil, hell...and that‘s just their first date.” Spike flipped a few pages with a snort. “Now, where’s the good stuff? I know she must have written pages about her burning attraction to a certain handsome vampire with a magnetic personality. Oooh! Now we’re getting somewhere...What is Spike’s problem anyways? As if he knows anything about anything. Angel and I are meant to be together...Gah! More weepy Angel! When does this tripe end?”

Spike angrily turned some more pages, determined to find his name, and the words ‘burning sexual attraction’ directly afterwards, but was startled by the sound of the front door closing. Panicking, he shoved the book back into the drawer and shut it with a bang, jumping off the bed just as Buffy’s bedroom door opened.

Joyce poked her head through the doorway and smiled. “Hello Spike. Buffy called me and said you might still be here.”

“I didn’t read anything.” Spike struck a casual pose.

“Okay.” Joyce nodded a little, not having a clue as to what he was talking about. She leaned against the wall, arms crossed. “Heard you ran into some trouble last night.”

Spike blinked at her. The Slayer was telling her mum about the two of them? And saying he couldn’t perform? Well, he’d end that little misconception right here and now. “Trouble...no, no trouble. I don’t know what Buffy told you, but I had no trouble with anything last night-”

Joyce shook her head, confused. “Wait, you didn’t run into a team of vamps last night, and then had to hide out here because they were waiting for you at your crypt?”

“Ohhh...that.” Spike hooked his thumbs in his belt and grinned. “Yeah, Buffy was kind enough to help me out. You know, give a little, get a little.” His grin grew wolfish.

“Well, it’s nice to see you’re working together. I was just about to have some lunch, would you like some?” Joyce motioned towards the hallway and Spike shrugged.

“Do you have any Bugles?” He asked hopefully, following her down the stairs. “I like those, they remind me of giant fangs.”

Joyce opened the cupboard and pulled a box out. “Not much left, I think Xander ate most of them last week.”

Spike’s eyes narrowed as he peered at the remains. “Stupid Harris,” he mumbled, picking out a few broken pieces. Fiddling with them, he watched Joyce fix herself a small salad, waving aside her offers to make enough for two. “So, uh, Buffy say anything else about me?”

“No.” Joyce said, chewing.

“Oh.” Spike looked at his box.

“Just that you’d probably still be here at lunch, and could I check in on you, make sure you were okay. She seemed concerned.”

Spike perked up a bit at that. “She did, did she? Well, fancy that.” He reached out and stole a cucumber slice from her salad, getting a rap on the knuckles from her fork for his trouble, smiling at her as he popped it in his mouth.

Chapter fourteen

DISCLAIMERS: I had such a nice evening with Joss tonight. He watched TV for a while, and then read for an hour, occasionally running his hand through his lush mane of fiery red hair. Finally he yawned and went to bed. I was quite comfortable in the bushes, and the big picture window he had installed last week really gave me a great view as I peered through my binoculars. Tomorrow night I’ll bring a blanket and we can have a picnic. As long as the attack dogs don’t come back. I think they got a little sick on the leftover hamburgers I fed them the other night. It was so sweet of Joss to get me a pet! Well, six.

THANK YOU: Sorry about the long updates, you can all spank me if you like. In fact...the next update will be very long, so I think a spanking is very much in order. ALSO, let’s all thank Bub and little bit, my two sassy betas. Spank them too, they like it!

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED? Well, Spike and Buffy had more of the sex. Buffybot brought Willow Taco Bell. Buffybot broke up with Riley. Again. Poor guy. Poor ole melon head. Buffy, Willow and Buffybot talked in the dorm room before class. Buffy was sleepy from getting rocked all night and morning. Mmmm....Spike. Good god that guy is incredible. Willow still has much re-programming to do, since the Bot still thinks Spike is a sex god. Who doesn‘t, though? Is she wrong? No, my friends. Xander likes wrenches.

*********************

When she thought about her day, Buffy wasn’t entirely sure that the Hellmouth was truly located under the library, as Giles had claimed. It had to be under SU. Only great forces of darkness from the very bowels of the earth rising up through the Hellmouth could have pulled off the incredible amount of evil she’d dealt with. Well, the Hellmouth and Spike. Close enough. Between the fallout from the Slayerbot writing one of her tests and dealing with the emotional roller coaster ride that was named Riley Finn these days, Buffy was pretty much worn out.

And then there’s the sex. Don’t forget the sex. Stupid voice. She was getting more than a little tired of it yammering away at her and sending flashbacks of last night through her mind at the most inopportune moments. Buffy talks to her irate Psyche professor? Cue Flashback Number 14: Spike Naked, Kneeling on Her Bed. And then the stupid voice. It starts whispering about how tingly Spike was when he grabbed her hands and put them over his hardness, sliding their combined palms up and down...her prof wasn’t too impressed to find that she’d lost her train of thought in the middle of her explanation for her sudden case of crazy. Hello, academic probation? My name is Buffy Summers. Get used to me, I’m moving in with you.

Well, this is going to stop, Buffy said to herself firmly as she climbed the stairs to her room. It’s so very over. No more Naked Spike-capades. I’ll just have to tell him to go back to his crypt and not come here ever again and not to take of his shirt in front of me anymore, and that I’m immune to his wily...wiles. I mean, please, he’s not that great, he just caught me at a vulnerable moment. I am of stone now, just like Spike’s...NO! Bad Buffy!...unmovable in my resolve. There is no us. There will be no more sexy sex-play. He may have succeeded in seducing me once...uh, six times, but that’s it. Done.

Buffy opened her bedroom door and froze, taking in the sight. “Holy crap.“

Spike smirked at her from the bed. “Home at last, Slayer,” he murmured, stretching his arms behind his head, making the sheet around his waist fall even lower than it already was. Really, the only thing holding it in place was his large-

Buffy shook her head, blinking at the sight of a very naked, very aroused Spike laying there like a big, barely-wrapped present. He licked his lips, eyes never leaving hers.

“Into bed now, Buffy,” he whispered invitingly, making her mouth go dry. His arm pulled a corner of the sheet away and he patted the bed gently. “I’ve been waiting for you to come...” He paused suggestively. “...home. All. Day. Long. Had to touch myself, I did. Just thinking about you made me hard.”

Buffy kicked the door shut with a bang, making him smile evilly. “What do you think you’re doing?” she whispered frantically, trying very hard to not look at the middle of the bed. But it was hard. Very very hard. My god, couldn‘t she think of another work besides ‘hard’? “My Mom could-”

“Mum’s gone. Dinner’s in the oven. Come to bed.”

What was she telling herself before she opened the door to The Wonderful World of Sex? It didn’t really matter now. It wasn’t important. She’d think about them later.

Spike quickly sat up as she approached, his hands yanking her on the bed, his body on top of hers before she even had time to think. “I‘ve been waiting for you, Slayer,” he whispered again.

“Spike...” Buffy closed her eyes in bliss as his hand traveled down her stomach, slipping under her skirt. She was supposed to remember something. Something besides the not-having-sex-with-Spike ridiculousness. What was it? His ticking fingers were making it difficult to concentrate. “We’re supposed to go to your crypt. Wait for Willow.”

“After.” His hand slid up her leg and suddenly stopped. “Slayer,” he said, smug. “You’re wetter than the sea. I can feel it all the way on your thighs.”

His palm rubbed a slow circle on her skin, carefully avoiding her soaked panties, making her arch slowly. “It’s been a whole five hours since I last came,” Buffy whispered, feeling adventurous and naughty. His hand stilled.

“You left the house eight hours ago,” Spike said suddenly, lifting his head from her neck and looking at her suspiciously.

Buffy smiled. “Yes. I know.”

Spike sat up, stomach knotted. Was she telling him she’d already been with someone else? Finn? His mouth tightened in anger, thinking of the two of them together. She was his, dammit, and no Army prat was going to have any of her. He’d see to that. He’d rip his-

“You weren’t the only one who had to touch,” she whispered, sitting up beside him, lips placing warm kisses down his back.

“Buffy.” He groaned at the thought of her, flushed and panting on her dorm bed, fingers buried inside, moving in a blur on her sweet spot. “Oh god.”

Feeling a sense of victory at his obvious excitement at her words, she continued. “I thought about you, and how incredible you were...” She pushed him back onto the bed and climbed on top of him, “...how exciting and passionate...” He laid back, eyes glued to her as she peeled off her top. No bra. “...how hard you got at my slightest touch...” He bucked as she ground into him.“...and I couldn’t help it, I needed to come, I needed it so...bad...” She ripped off the flimsy cotton standing in the way of what she wanted and slid onto him. “I need it so bad now.”

“Buffy,” he gasped again, hands like a vice on her hips as she rode him, face hard with lust. “Don’t stop.”

She tightened her muscles around him and smiled as he arched, eyes squeezed shut, neck clenched in an effort to hold back his own climax. “I won’t stop,” she purred.

“Faster,” he begged, and she complied, grabbing onto his hair for leverage.

“More?” she asked, watching his face as he moaned beneath her.

“Yes, please baby. Oh god, Buffy, do it.”

She leaned down to his smooth shoulder and bit fiercely, slamming her clit against him, shaking violently with her orgasm.

Spike followed, overwhelmed by the smell of his blood and the fluttering of Buffy’s hot little sheath, pounding upwards as he shuddered beneath her.

“Oh. Wow.” Buffy mumbled, breath hot against his neck. “That was....wow.”

“Mmm.” Spike slid out from under her, positioning her in his arms. “My naughty little Slayer. So hot and rough.” He gave her a soft kiss. “So delicious.”

She touched his wound gently, tracing the small outline of her teeth. “You didn’t mind?”

“Mind?” Spike looked at her, incredulous. “You can’t be serious? You can do anything you want to me, baby, and I’d come crawling back for more.”

Buffy stared at him, knowing he was telling the truth, and knowing that it went beyond their newfound sexual adventures. “We’d better get going,” she said softly, turning to get her clothes. His hand grabbed her upper arm and spun her back to face him. They stared at each other silently, Spike’s face open to her, showing what he hadn’t said to her. Yet.

Then his mouth was on hers, fierce and claiming, tongues battling. I need you, Spike’s kiss said, and Buffy’s answered in kind. Both were panting when the kiss finally ended, both unsure.

“I’d better get to the crypt then.” Spike stood up, reaching for his pants. “Before the Witch gets there and finds me missing. She might do some mojo to locate me. Probably turn us all into mimes or something.”

“Mimes?” Buffy paused, her shirt in her hands, worried for a moment. “Nah.”

*************************************************************

“Why do we have to be here?” Anya trudged through the graveyard sulkily. “There’s no reason for us to be here. I wanted to watch ‘The A Team’!”

Xander squeezed her hand. “I know you did, but I just didn’t feel comfortable having Willow come here alone. Buffy said she had something important to do.”

“What good could you possibly be, Xander?” Anya asked. “Be sensible. If Spike really wanted to try something his chip would fire, rendering him incapacitated from the electrical shock it administers. Plus, if it didn’t, he’d be much too strong for you. No use in all of us getting killed, now is there?”

“Thanks, Anya.” Willow frowned at her.

Anya smiled. “See? Willow agrees with me!”

“No I don’t!” Willow walked faster, catching up with Buffybot, who was smiling happily and twirling her stake as she strolled along.

“I pity the fool who doesn’t agree with me!” Anya yelled after her. Willow sighed.

“This is Spike’s house!” Buffybot pointed excitedly. “He has a big bed.”

Willow grimaced. “That is so much too much information,” she mumbled, opening the door and stepping in, eyes down in case that bed was now in plain view. She raised her eyes slowly. “I don’t see any bed,.” she said, trying not to look too disappointed.

“It’s downstairs.” Buffybot skipped inside and went to the opening in the floor. “See? That’s where Spike and I made lo-”

“Spike!” Willow yelled, watching Buffybot nervously, not wanting to hear anything else about sex in the basement of a crypt. “Anyone here?”

Buffybot nodded, pleased. “Yes! It was with Spike. You’re clever, and a witch. I also suspect you may be bisexual.”

Xander and Anya came inside just in time to hear that last remark. “What’s with all the gay references Will?” Xander asked, a grin on his face. “Is there a lucky lady in your life, and if so, can I be the lucky gent to watch?”

“New topic, Xander.” Anya looked at her nails.

“Right.” Xander shoved his hands in his pockets. “Looks like no one’s home.”

Anya roamed around, investigating the dim room, nose wrinkled. ”He doesn’t have very much furniture. Not very sociable of him. I mean, where am I supposed to sit?” She glared at Xander, not impressed with the decor.

“He has a chair,” Xander pointed out. “And a TV. It’s pathetic, just like him.”

Anya perked up. “Yay! Maybe he gets ‘The A Team’!” she said excitedly, turning it on and flipping quickly. The sounds of gunfire filled the room.

“I love it when a plan comes together.” Xander grinned, coming up beside Anya. She shooed him away impatiently.

“Quiet! I want to hear what kind of vengeance The A Team is going to do tonight.”

Willow and Xander looked at each other. “Vengeance?” Xander asked carefully. “Hon, they’re soldiers of fortune, not demons.”

“No, no.” Anya looked up from the screen, eyes shining. “See,” she took a deep breath and recited, “In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire : The A-Team.”

“If you can find them? They drove the most inconspicuous van in all of L.A., even for the eighties. A ten year old could have found them,” Xander pointed out.

“Every week someone comes to them, needing their wrongs to be righted. And every week Hannibal puts on his fighting gloves and they beat up the wrongdoers. Usually by throwing them into empty cardboard boxes and then exploding something.” Anya smiled angelically. “That’s vengeance.”

“No An, that’s eighties TV.”

Anya shrugged and turned back to the TV.

Xander looked around suddenly. “Where’s the Slayerbot?”

“Here I am!” Buffybot popped her head out from the floor like a happy-jack-in-the-box, making Xander jump back into Willow in surprise.

“Whoa! Spike has a secret room.” He moved closer, trying to peer past the Bot’s head to see.

“The Slayerbot told me Spike had a big bed,” Willow whispered, still pretending like she wasn’t curious to see Spike’s bedroom.

Xander made a face. “That’s scary on so many levels.”

“What’s going on?” Anya wandered over, the A Team on a commercial break. “Oh! You found Spike’s secret lair. How clever.”

“Not all that secret.” Willow pointed out. “I mean, the hole’s right there.”

The Bot reached up through the opening and gave Willow’s foot a pat. “You’re very smart!”

“Let’s go down! C‘mon Xander.” Anya pushed her way past Willow and onto the ladder.

“Hey!” Willow said, looking disgruntled for a whole two seconds, and then following her. “We really shouldn’t be doing this.”

Anya scoffed, climbing past the Bot, who still hung there, grinning happily. “Don’t be ridiculous. It would be inhospitable for Spike-if he was actually here, that is-to not offer us a tour of his home. Whoa!” She ran over to the side of the room. “Spike’s got a big bed!”

“And oooh! Looky the pretty candles,” Willow said enviously. “We aren’t allowed anything too big at the dorm, for fire safety reasons.” She stroked them lovingly, face dreamy.

“Bloody hell! What are you lot doing in my bedroom?” Spike demanded, startling Willow so much that she dropped the large, intricate candleholders she’d been admiring with a loud clatter. “My candles!”

“Sorry.” Willow quickly bent down and picked up the pieces up, shamed at being caught snooping.

“Where did you come from?” Xander demanded.

Spike raised an eyebrow at him. “Pardon me, but I do have other entryways to my place. Ones that you will never know about. Ones that are private. Like this room. So I’d advise you all to get the hell-”

The Bot suddenly squealed, making Spike wince. “Spike!” She launched herself from the ladder and into his arms, barreling the two of them to the floor in a jangle of limbs. “I’ve missed you terribly!”

Spike pushed her back a bit, avoiding her eager kisses. “Easy there.”

“Oh my god, this is the most disgusting sight I’ve ever.” Xander scowled.

“Well then, you’ve never looked in a mirror, have you Harris?” Spike twisted, managing to escape the Bot’s loving caresses and stood up, brushing his duster off carefully.

“Look who’s talking, Mr. No Reflec-” Xander suddenly paused, squinting at Spike carefully.

“What?” Spike asked, still holding the Bot at arm’s length. “What’s with the stupid-” He paused. “Stupider face?”

Xander pointed an accusing finger in Spike’s direction. “What’s that on your neck?”

Anya looked up from the bed. “It’s a hickey Xander. Looks like Spike’s getting some. No doubt because of this incredible bed.” She stroked the down coverlet lovingly. “Can we get a four poster bed too?”

“Not now, An-”

Anya perked up. “You could bind my wrists to the headboard with silky scarves!” She held her arms out in example, smiling widely. Xander watched her for a moment, thoughtful, his earlier train of thought forgotten.

“Oh...would you all kindly get lost?” Spike turned away from the sight, still trying to keep the Bot at bay. “Slayerbot, why don’t you go and stand nicely, hmm?” The Bot nodded obediently, moving away to stand at attention near the ladder.

“I like the ladder!” she said, giving him an ultra-bright smile.

“Oooh! Look, Spike’s got those magazines with glossy pictures of naked women!” Anya held a stack of Playboy’s up in triumph, making Spike groan. “And look! The middle folds out.” She shook the magazine in question, making a pleased noise when the pages flipped open to reveal Miss February in all her glory. “Ta da!”

Willow stared. “Wow, she has pretty breasts.”

“You really ARE bi. I knew it.” Anya smiled smugly, making Willow flush beet red. “I bet you’d even have a threesome with me and Xander.”

The three in question looked at each other in contemplation for a moment.

“Nahhh.” they all said at once, turning away, with I can’t believe I even considered it expressions. Except for Xander, whose expression went back to the contemplating.

“You three are the stupidest people I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing.” Spike rubbed his head in frustration. “Why are you here?”

Willow put on her best Willow Rosenberg, Private Investigator face and stepped forward. “We were going to go over everything you knew about the Slayerbot, remember, Spike? If that is your real name.”

Spike stared at her as if she’d grown a third eye. “Of course that’s not my real name, and you bloody well know it.” Willow’s face fell, making him sigh. “Fine, fine, I’ll tell you everything I know, but I warn you, it isn’t a lot-”

“Where is everyone?” Buffy’s head appeared at the hole in the ceiling. “Hey! You have a secret room!”

“Buffy! What are you doing here?” Xander frowned as she climbed down past the grinning Buffybot, taking in her disheveled clothing and flushed face. “You seem a little...uh...”

“You look like you just had sex.” Anya piped up, still beside the giant bed making Buffy turn towards her.

“I like sex,” Buffybot said loudly. “Sex with-”

“Spike! Why do you have such a big bed?” Buffy breathed, walking over to the bed in question and running an admiring hand over it. “It’s just so...big.”

Spike smirked. “Thank you, luv.”

“Are you sure you don’t have a fever or something Buffy, you seem a little flushed and...”

“I mean, it’s massive!” Buffy cut Xander off, eyes wide as she sat down and gave an experimental bounce. “Oooh!”

Spike sauntered over, one hand tucked in his belt. “Well pet, I need the room. To maneuver,” he said meaningfully. The two stared at each other hotly.

“Uh...Buffy? Are you sure you’re ok?” Willow came closer and stood next to her, trying not to look too closely at Miss February, who smiled widely from the still-open pages on the bed.

“Hmmm?” Buffy suddenly snapped back to attention. “Oh! Yeah right. I’m just fine.”

Anya nodded at Buffy. “Spike’s bed is very sexy, isn’t it? Just like Mr T!”

“What?” Buffy blinked, confused. “You think Mr. T‘s sexy?”

Anya nodded happily. “He sure is.”

“Okay.” Buffy shrugged, and looked down. “Hey...why are there nudie pictures here? Gross!”

Willow jumped, afraid of being caught looking. “I wasn’t staring.”

“This one looks like you.” Anya shoved Miss April in Buffy’s face for her approval, making her gasp as she saw the obvious similarities and the creases in the page.

“I think that’s enough with the magazines for today.” Spike grabbed the pile up and tossed them in a corner, much to Willow’s disappointment. “Let’s get on with the interrogation, shall we? Then you lot can get the hell out of my crypt.” He paused. “And I buy those only for the interesting and informative articles.”

“Fine.” Willow crossed her arms, face stern. “What do you know about the Slayerbot?”

Spike groaned. “Is that all you’ve got? I told you, she was-”

“Did you get that big hickey while having sex on this big bed?” Anya asked, interrupting rudely. “I’m sorry, but I’ve just noticed you have another one on the other side of your neck.”

Spike clapped a hand over the offending mark, face panicked. “It’s not a hickey.”

“Yes it is. It’s clearly a hickey.” Anya stepped forward, ready to pry his hand away. Spike back pedaled quickly, bumping into Buffy.

“Who’s Spike having sex with?” Xander laughed, finding the whole thing ludicrous. “Dru’s not around, and the only other vamp with bad enough taste in men is Harmony...”

“Harmony?” Buffy crossed her arms, jealous. “That bimbo? Please.”

“Buffy...” Spike said, but Buffy turned away in a huff. “No, no, c’mon now pet, I’d never...” He rubbed her shoulders, making little soothing noises.

The gang stared. “Uh...Buffy?” Willow said, shocked. “What’re you doing?”

Buffy froze, suddenly realizing that all this touchy-touchy with Spike was less than stealthy. They’d find out about the two of them sooner than later with this kind of behavior. She’d better take care of this, slayer-style.

Whirling around, she clocked Spike in the nose, sending him to the ground. “You’re disgusting!” she declared for emphasis, arms on her hips.

“Oh, well, that’s more like it.” Anya slid over to the pile of Playboys, tucking one into her back pocket for fun and games time later on tonight.

Spike jumped back up, coat swirling. “That’s right, Slayer,” he whispered invitingly. “Hit me again. You know I like it.”

Buffy swung, her right hook snapping his head back sharply. “Don’t you ever touch me!” she said loudly, sneaking a glance at her friends. Spike turned to look at her and she leaned in close, pretending like she was grappling with him. “I’m so sorry!” she hissed, tossing him to the ground.

“More, Slayer.” Spike laughed evilly, rolling back over.

“Evil villain!” she declared, giving him a small grin before she turned away. He grabbed her foot as she went past him and she fell with a squeal. “Spike! I’m going to kick your ass so hard...”

He wiped at his nose, smiling at the blood on his hand. “And that’s why I love you so much.” He stilled, suddenly hearing what he’d just said. “I mean...uh, hate. I hate you. With a seething passion.”

“You love Buffy?” Anya asked curiously.

“What!” Willow gaped.

“Did you just say...oh god, tell me I didn’t hear that.” Xander held his stomach, face green.

Buffy’s eyes were huge. “What...did...you...say?” she whispered slowly, climbing to her feet.

Spike laid there, still sprawled out before her. This was the last way he’d wanted this to play out. “Nothing.”

“He said he loved you, and then he tried to cover it up-rather poorly I might add-by saying he hated you. It’s all quite clear,” Anya said, making Xander choke. “Did you get that hickey from Buffy?” She turned to Buffy, who was still staring at Spike. “Is that why he loves you? Because you’re good in bed? I bet it’s those Slayer muscles. When I was a demon I could squeeze a man’s genitalia like an over-ripe-”

“Eww!” Willow took a step away, disgusted.

“No! No no no, that is NOT what just happened.” Xander held his hand out and gave Anya a forced smile. “You’re confused.”

Anya shook her head. “No, I’m not. I bet they want us to leave now, so they can have more sex. When Xander told me he loved me, we had sex all night long. And the bed’s right here, and it’s so big and sexy...”

“Anya...please, I’m going to be have sex-mares...” Xander begged.

“...only, Buffy didn’t say I love you back, so maybe they want to talk it through. I can help, you know,” Anya smiled. “I’m very good at relationships now, since I met Xander.”

Spike sat up cautiously, eyes wary. “Buffy...”

“I have to go.” Buffy ran for the ladder.

“Buffy! Wait.” Spike called, scrambling up. She ignored him, climbing up and out, boots making little thumping noises as she raced out of the crypt. “Dammit,” he swore, head back in defeat.

“The other Buffy ran away,” Buffybot said, looking confused. “When I tell Spike I love him, he doesn’t ru-”

“Maybe we should all leave.” Willow interrupted warily, looking at Spike’s tense face. She came over to the Bot and smiled. “C’mon, you can go patrolling with us.”

“Yes! I can patrol!” She suddenly grew serious again. “Evil must die.”

Anya sat down on the bed. “Yes, you go patrol, I want to stay and see what happens next.” She yelped as Xander yanked her off. “Hey! What are you doing? Xander, I want to stay.”

Xander gave Spike a meaningful glare as they went by. “There’s no way Buffy’s in love with another vampire. And, as much as I like seeing Spike in pain, it’s too vomit-worthy for me to hang out and watch the love-sick vampire show.” He pulled a protesting Anya over to the ladder, a firm hand on her rump as she climbed up, pushing every time she paused

“But...Xander...” Her voice trailed away, leaving Spike standing there, alone.

Chapter 15

DISCLAIMERS: So, I’m going through the new applications at work the other day, when a familiar name catches my eye. ‘Joss Whedon?’ I pick up the restaurant application form and read through. ‘Former employees: WB, UPN and FOX. Reason for leaving: New show sucked ass.’ Well, that’s true. Looks like I’ve just hired myself a new dishwasher!

THANKS: Thanks to little-bit, the hottest beta in town. Thanks for being so patient with the updates. Thanks for reading this! Thanks for being so incredibly dashing and handsome. Oh wait, I was talking to James Marsters there.

LAST TIME ON BLAH BLAH BLAH: Willow, Buffybot, Anya and Xander snuck into Spike’s room. Spike has a big bed. Heh. Willow looked at pictures of naked girls. Buffy showed up and saw the big bed. Spike smirked and made eyes at her. Buffy beat up Spike so her friends wouldn’t catch onto their hot-lovin’ vibes. Buffybot grinned. Spike blurted out he loved Buffy. See? That’s what happens when you beat Spike up. Buffy ran out. Spike was sad. The gang left so he’d have some privacy. Anya likes The A Team.

************************************************

Riley tossed the tiny Nerf basketball at the tiny Nerf net, not feeling his usual sense of elation when it went in with a tiny Nerf swish. It just didn’t mean a lot when Buffy was gone. Making a Nerf basket just didn’t hold the same amount of pleasure it used to. Especially since it was the one thing he could do better than Buffy. Well, that and the army. He did the army better than she did.

Massive pounding on his dorm door made the net shake, and he missed his next throw. “Thank god.” Riley jumped in relief at the interruption, ready for whatever mission was standing on the other side of that door. Any diversion was welcome right now. Anything to take his mind off-

“Riley.” She stood there, hands twisted nervously before her, eyes wide.

“Buffy.” My god. She came back. She came back to him.

They stood there, staring at each other awkwardly, until Buffy suddenly panicked and threw her arms around him, her mouth falling blindly towards his, lips parted. He was about to kiss her, so happy that she’d come back, when he noticed the tears on her cheeks. She was crying, and in his experiences with women, that usually meant they didn’t really want to make love. Unless they were tears of happiness...he looked closer at the red eyes and runny nose. No, definitely not tears of happiness.

“Wait.” He stepped away, pulling her gently but firmly back from him. She looked terrified. “Maybe you should sit down.”

She sniffed and shook her head. “I don’t want to sit down. I want...I want...” she trailed off, unsure. “Well...something,” she muttered.

Riley gently took her hands, concerned. He hadn’t seen her so undone and worked up in...well, ever. “What is it, Buffy? Let me help you. Whatever you need, okay? Just tell me.”

The words made her break completely and she started crying in earnest now, huddled in a ball on his bed, face screwed into a tight fist of anguish. The sight alarmed him even more, and he grabbed the phone.

“What...what are you doing?” Buffy swiped at her nose, staring at him from her watery eyes.

“I’m phoning Willow,” Riley said firmly.

“No!” Buffy sat up, even more flustered. “You can’t!” She wiped at her nose again, loudly. That sleeve was getting rather damp. “Besides, she’s not home, she’s probably still at Spike’s crypt. Stupid Spike. He thinks he’s so smart! But you know what? He’s not. And, he’s a big fat liar. A big fat stupid vampire liar. I hate him! Dumb, stupid...Spike...” She frowned and turned away.

Riley put the phone down. Spike. That vampire again. It was always him. “I see.”

Buffy shook her head. “See? What do you mean by that? You don‘t see anything. Just like Spike. He doesn‘t know what he‘s talking about! He doesn‘t really love me. I mean, c‘mon, soul-less vampire, Vampire Slayer...it could never work out. It doesn‘t matter how much I love him, it‘s doomed from the start. Can‘t that stupid vampire see that? Cant he just shut up for once in his--”

“Wait...what did you say?” Riley sat down heavily.

“--life. The idiot just talk s and smirks and thinks he’s so clever! Oh, he knows it all! Well, forget it, I hate him!” She finished off triumphantly, arms crossed. She noticed the slightly ill look on his face and blinked. “Riley...you okay? You look pretty pale.”

Riley sighed and sat down beside her, face sad. “Buffy, isn’t it obvious? Ever since we’ve been dating he’s always been a distraction for you. You can’t decide what you want, you keep on breaking up with me-”

Buffy raised her hand. “That wasn’t me, remember? And the last time, at the dorm? Also not me.”

“Yesterday?” Riley shrugged and gave a self-mocking little laugh. “You’d think I’d catch on by now, wouldn’t you. It’s only happened over and over again. Kinda makes you wonder how many times I mistook her for you. Hey...wait...” He flushed a little and stared at his hands. “I never...uh...you know...with her, right?” Buffy shook her head and he relaxed. ”Good. I had the terrible feeling you were going to say that our night at the dorm during the party wasn’t you. That was the most incredible night of my life.” He smiled shyly.

“The party, right.” Buffy smiled back, not having the heart to tell him about the spell. “Anyways, I never broke up with you.”

“No. You never did,” Riley touched her hair wistfully, giving her a small smile. “Not yet. But it‘s only a matter of time. You said, back there that...” He winced, remembering. ”That you loved Spike.”

“I did not!” Buffy sat up straight, furious.

“Yes you did. Right in the middle of your tirade about how stupid he was. You said you loved him.” Riley turned away, not wanting Buffy to see his tears. Army Captains did not cry. That was for the young privates on the first day of training.

“Riley.“

He turned slowly and stared at Buffy.

“You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?” Buffy said quietly. Riley nodded. “Why?”

He picked up his Nerf ball and stared at it. She’d never be his as long as Spike was around. She’d never been his from the start. “I’m sorry, Buffy.”

“Riley, “ She grabbed the Nerf ball away from him and threw it away. It went through the basket. All net. Well. “Riley, please-”

“Buffy, stop.” He stood up and waked to the door. “I think you need to leave.”

She got off the bed slowly and went to him, eyes wide. “Riley-”

“You don’t love me. Goodbye, Buffy,“ he said softly but firmly, giving her a slight push out. She smiled a little and grabbed his hand, giving it a quick squeeze before she walked out, closing the door behind her. He leaned up against it, eyes shut tightly, fighting back his tears.

“You don’t love me,” he whispered, wiping quickly at his damp lashes. He could hear Buffy on the other side of the door as she sniffled and started to walk away. Suddenly she stopped, and Riley could hear her mumbling to herself.

“Wait a second...” Her quiet words drifted to him through the wood.

The door suddenly slammed open, sending him flying across the room and into the wall, hard enough to put a Riley-shaped dent in it. Dust and little bits of plaster drifted down to land in his hair.

“Wha-?” He shook his head, groggy. A blurry Buffy stepped into his line of vision, hands placed firmly on her hips. Oh-oh, someone was pissed.

“Who do you think you are?” she demanded, furious. “You can’t break up with me! I’m the one to break it off! And this is me, officially dumping you. Take note.” She spun on her heel and stormed out, slamming the door so hard it fell off the hinges and backwards onto Riley’s already-throbbing head.

“Ow.”

**********************************

“She doesn’t love me.” Spike drank deeply from the bottle in his fist, not even noticing the burn as it flowed down his throat. “Bloody girl doesn’t care. Don’t you see? She’ll never love me. Never want me the way I want her. It was like magic, and she ran away. Ran back to him, I wager. Back to that ruddy-” He broke off, wiping his lips with the back of his hand, eyes moist.

A hand reached out and patted him on the shoulder. “I love you, Spike!” Buffybot said, concerned. “The other Buffy is very stupid.”

“Don’t say that!” Spike sat up straight for a moment, ready to defend his girl. “Oh wait, she left me. You’re right, she’s a stupid bint.”

“Willow’s very smart. Maybe she can help you. She helped me slay faster by giving me this.” The Bot pointed her crossbow at him helpfully.

“Bloody hell, point that thing somewhere else!” he yelped, scuttling back against the floor. She immediately dropped the point down and away from his chest.

“Sorry, Spike.”

Spike took another pull at his bottle, finishing off the last few inches of liquid. “Don’t worry about it, “ he mumbled, seeing the crushed look on her face. No need to make the little robot sad, now was there? He was plenty sad enough for the both of them. The Bot smiled a little again and he patted her foot awkwardly, making her smile grow into a full-fledged beam.

“Your bottle is empty. Shall we get another or have sex?” She got up and clasped her hands before her in a pleading gesture. “Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

Spike closed his eyes in pain. “Oh god. Not that again. Not the Star Wars.”

Buffybot gave him a hot look. “I happen to like nice men.” She waited expectantly, not moving until Spike gave a loud sigh of exasperation.

“Fine.” He looked to the side and mumbled, “I’m nice men.”

Buffybot shook her head. “No you’re not. You’re-” She waited again, this time with a frown. When Spike didn’t make a move she poked him on the shoulder.

“You’re supposed to kiss me there,” she suggested helpfully.

“Right. Sorry.” Spike fiddled with his bottle, embarrassed. “See, the thing is...”

The Bot watched him, blinking.

Spike sighed. “I can’t,” he said simply, and got up. “Now where’d I put that other bottle of whiskey?”

*************************************

“I can’t believe we lost her,” Xander said. He looked around the graveyard. “How could we have lost her?”

Willow made a face. “I only looked away for a second, when I thought I saw that Senihcam demon. But it turned out to be a cat.” Xander gave her a look. “A very ferocious cat?” she added helpfully, sitting under a tree.

“She’s gone,” Anya said from her seat on the large tombstone. “I’m sure she’s fine. She’s a Slayer robot after all and she slayed normally earlier. You two are being very silly over this.” She pulled out the magazine from her back pocket and unrolled it with a flick of her wrist. “Really, it’s very possible that she went back to Spike’s. She still loves him, right Willow?”

Willow looked shamefaced. “I just wanted her to stop kissing me!” she said again, defensive.

“What’re we going to do about this? I guess we could go get her.” Xander suggested to no one in particular. “Buffy so doesn’t need this kind of worry now. I think she’s got worry enough to last a lifetime after Spike’s little confession.” He sat down next to Willow and groaned. “It’s only been three hours since Spikey’s widdle wuv moment and I’m still feeling the nagging urge to vomit every five minutes. Vomit and puke and hurl and toss my cookies.”

Anya flipped a page loudly. “I don’t see the big deal.”

“The big deal?” Xander goggled at her, mouth open. “Are you serious? Oh, it’s a big deal all right. It’s the biggest deal of all the deals. It’s...it’s...it’s Let’s Make a Deal of the big deals! That’s how big a deal it is.”

“Fine,” Anya said. “Fine, whatever. Your friend finally found happiness and all you can do is rain on her parade.” She squinted at the page closely, pondering. “Do you think these breasts are real? Some women have fake breasts you know. One time, I had a scorned woman wish for her ex-boyfriend to grow double D’s. That’s what you get for cheating on a small breasted girl with a large breasted girl. He was so traumatized by his new breasts that he took a knife and-”

Xander raised his hand at her. “Wait. Rewind there for a second. What do you mean by ‘raining on her parade’? No one’s raining on anything here, okay? In fact, if anyone’s doing any raining on a parade it’s Spike. He’s the one ruining Buffy’s life with the googley-eyed love confessions. I’m looking out for my friend.”

“You’re just mad because Spike’s a demon and you have an unhealthy hatred towards demons. Right, Willow?” Anya looked over to her for backup.

“Um...” Willow said, looking panicked.

“See? Willow agrees with me,” Anya said triumphantly, making Willow frown.

“I never-”

“Anya, I’d love it if Buffy found happiness. I didn’t complain about Riley. I do complain about Spike. And yes, being a demon or anything close to one is wrong. Demons are for killing, not loving.”

Anya gasped and stood up, the Playboy sliding to the ground, forgotten. “You really are dense sometimes Harris,” she said tearfully.

“Anya, I didn’t mean-” He broke off, watching her as she ran through the headstones, stopping a few feet away, head bowed. “Anya!” He turned to Willow. “What is it about me that keeps driving the girls away?”

Willow patted him on the back. “Probably your wonderful ability of opening your mouth and inserting your foot.” She looked at the sad figure not too far away and nodded towards her. “I’m pretty sure she wants you to go and talk to her.”

“Thanks.” Xander sighed heavily. “I’d better go make up with her before she changes her mind and runs off for real. You know, being a jackass isn’t as fun as the glamorous lifestyle makes it seem.”

“I can only imagine,” Willow said, shoving him towards the now-wailing Anya. “Please go talk to her before she wakes up the dead. Or, more of the dead. I’ll wait.”

Xander nodded and went over to Anya, who had gone from loud wailing to sending hurt looks and sniffles in his direction. “Okay. You keep your eye out for the Slayerbot. This may take a while.”

Willow watched as he walked over to Anya, who had turned her back to Xander’s pleas, her arms crossed defiantly. Xander touched her shoulder and she stepped away. Willow groaned and reached down, picking up the Playboy. This might take a while? No kidding. “No way those are real,” she scoffed, looking at the spread-eagled Playboy bunny. “No one has round breasts like that.”

*******************************

Buffy swung wildly, missing the vampire and smashing a hole through the headstone. Little bits of dust and concrete flew.

“Ha! Missed me, Slayer!” the vamp gloated, jumping around like a rabid flea. This was what he’d be warned about when he first was sired? Please. The Slayer wasn’t so tough. She was obviously over-rated. He lunged at her, teeth bared.

“Oh, shut up,” Buffy said, annoyed, and stepped aside, staking him as he flew by her.

“Die Slayer!” Another vampire screamed, running forward wildly. She rolled her eyes as he tripped and actually fell on her stake, dusting himself. She actually didn’t have to move an inch.

“My god, are all the vamps in this town that stupid?” Buffy tucked the stake back into her pants and turned to find the Buffybot in front of her.

“Hi other Buffy!” The Bot smiled and tilted her head, waving the crossbow in her hand like a flag.

“Great. Can my night get any worse?” Buffy looked around. “Where’s the rest of the gang?”

“They were in the graveyard, but I went to see Spike.”

Buffy whirled, suddenly very interested in what the robot had to say. “Spike? Why?”

“He was sad. I love him.” Buffybot nodded as she spoke. “He loves you. He said so. Maybe I should love you too.”

Buffy backed up a step. “That’s not necessary. What did Spike say?” she added, curious.

Buffybot paused and then suddenly started reciting, “I love her. I love her and she left me.”

Buffy smiled wistfully.

“She’s a stupid bint.”

She frowned.

“I’m sorry Slayerbot. You look just like her, but...well, you aren’t her. Maybe you should go. Find Willow. I hear she’s bi.” The Bot stopped and grinned. “So I came looking for Willow. I used to kiss her, but now I’m programmed not to.”

Buffy sat down on the park bench, mind racing. Spike really did love her. She knew that. She’d known the moment they’d kissed.

“Where is he?” she blurted, standing up.

“At his crypt, looking for more alcohol. Do you know where Willow is? She said she wanted to work on me later.”

Buffy made a face. “Ewww! Work on-oh. I get it. Like, in a brainy way, not a lesbian way. Well, that works. Go wait at the dorm, she’ll be there eventually.” She took a few steps and then turned back. “And don’t touch my stuff. Especially my clothes.”

“Okay!” Buffybot said, looking as perky as ever.

“And don’t talk to anyone I know.” Buffy started to go. “And don’t have gay sex with Willow!” she shouted over her shoulder.

“Yes Buffy. Bye!” The Bot waved happily as Buffy took off running.

******************************************

She ran, heart pounding, feet a blur on the pavement. Seriously. I need a car. Or at least a bus pass. She peered down the street and started waving frantically as a car drove up. “Taxi!” she screamed, jumping up and down. The driver took one look at her panicked face and floored it, speeding past her, stirring up leaves as he went by. “Wait!” she yelled as he drove off. “Wait, come back...stupid taxi. I hope he picks up a demon next. Then who’ll be wishing he’d stopped for the Slayer? Huh?”

She stepped onto the sidewalk and was suddenly pelted with something soft. It exploded, drenching her in icy water. “What! Who-” she spluttered, shivering. Two young kids peeked out from behind a cluster of bushes, giggling, and she saw red. “You are so gonna regret-”

They scrambled off, racing to the nearest house and banging on the door.

“Help! Help!” they screamed, making her stop in her tracks, beatings suddenly put on hold. A burly man opened the door and they pointed at her as she stood there, mouth open. “Help us mister! That crazy lady is trying to hurt us!”

“I never-” Buffy started, but was cut off by the irate neighbor.

“How could you scare little boys like that? You crazy bitch!”

Buffy gasped. “They’re the ones who threw a water-”

“I’m calling the cops!” the man shouted, pulling the boys into the house with him. The smaller kid turned and grinned at her as he was rescued, sticking his tongue out and crossing his eyes.

“Little hellions.” Buffy muttered, taking off again. “I hope they get eaten.”

***

“Anya, I’m an idiot. Please believe me when I say that if anyone can make me rethink my feelings on demons, it’s you.”

Anya turned to Xander and gave him a sweet smile. “Xander, you always know what to say to make me feel better. Now, let’s go home so we can have exciting make-up sex.” She gave him a flirty look. “I could wear the thong if you like.”

“Oh, Xander like.” he answered, grinning.

***

Buffy ran down the streets, ears cocked for the sound of sirens. God she was glad she didn’t have any siblings

***

Willow turned the page and started reading. “’Dear Playboy, I’ve been a fan of your sexy magazine for years and years. I never thought I’d be able to send a letter to you, but I was wrong. It all started when I was counting the day’s profits. I’m a hot, large-chested female who loves sex with my boyfriend. On that particular day I was feeling extra aroused, since the big sale we’d had was quite a success, resulting in numerous cash increases to my business. Little did I know that my boyfriend ‘Alex’ had a special surprise for me in the training room...’” She paused and looked up at the smiling couple approaching her. “Please say this isn’t what I think it is.”

***

“I-don’t-have-time-for-this-right-now!” Buffy panted, punching the demon in the face with each word. It ignored her and kept advancing menacingly. Frustrated, she spun and kicked the demon in the head, sending it flying into the nearest tree with a howl. ”Look, I have somewhere I really need to be right now, but I do know a place where there’re these really nasty kids...”

The demon jumped up at her and grabbed, lifting her easily.

“Wait!” Buffy squirmed in the grip. “How ‘bout a taxi driver-” She was cut off as he tossed her into a tall, thorny rosebush, mashing it to the ground. “Okay, that’s it. I’m so not happy right now-” She stood up and a loud tearing was heard. She froze.

“Was that my top?” she asked the demon, worried.

It nodded, making a face. “Yeah,” it growled sympathetically. “Sorry ‘bout that.”

***

“Ohhhh, look!” Buffybot pulled out a long, shimmering skirt and held it up to her hips, smiling at her reflection in the mirror. “Other Buffy has such beautiful clothes!” She pulled it on, humming happily. “I hope Willow gets back soon. Maybe we can do a spell together.”

***

Buffy looked down.

“I know you want me pot ‘o gold!” The leprechaun pranced around her feet, giggling nastily. “But you’ll never get it!”

“I told you already, I don’t want your stupid pot of gold okay? I don’t even like the chocolates.” Buffy tried to go around the little menace, but it attacked her feet, biting viciously at her ankles.

“OW!” Buffy drew back her foot, kicking it as hard as she could. The leprechaun flew through the air, disappearing into the night. “Okay, that’s it. If anything else comes near me I’m killing first and asking questions later.”

***

“I’m going home.” Willow stood up, handing the Playboy to Xander.

“What about the Slayerbot?” Anya called after her. Willow waved a hand in her direction and kept going. “Do you think that meant ‘don’t worry about it, you two go on home I’ll handle it?’”

Xander shrugged. “I’m sure the robot will turn up eventually. And even if she is at Spike’s, at least it’s not Buffy.”

***

Buffy threw open the crypt door and stood there for a moment, panting slightly.

“Buffy!” Spike looked up from his bourbon. “You came ba-” He stopped and tilted his head a bit, studying her soggy, torn clothes and general bedraggled appearance.

“We need to talk.” Buffy limped over, dragging a long piece of toilet paper on her broken boot heel. “There’s something I need to say.”

Spike blinked and gave his head a slight shake, trying to focus. “Are you...wet?”

“Spike!” Buffy blushed.

“And your shirt, it’s all shredded. What happened, pet?” Spike took another swig from his bottle and stood, swaying slightly. “Some Big Bad get a hold of you?”

Buffy looked down at herself, suddenly noticing what a mess she was. “Um, no.”

Spike smirked. “D’ya want one to?” He leered at her, tongue pressed up against his teeth.

“Would you shut up for one freakin minute? Geeze.“ Buffy took a deep breath. This was going to be difficult. How would she say it? How could she tell him what he meant to her? She’d only just realized it herself. “Spike...” she breathed, looking him in the eye. “I...”

Spike waited, watching her. She didn’t move. “What is it luv?” he prompted.

She blinked.

He pursed his lips in silence.

“Um...” she said.

He raised his eyebrows.

“I...” Buffy gave up and turned around, giving him a great view of her ass, since the seat of her pants were completely torn away. Spike goggled.

“What’s so funny?” Buffy whirled and looked over her shoulder. “Oh. Of course. Why not?”

“Very nice show there Buffy. Is this what you wanted to tell me? That you wear lacy undies? Already knew that.” His smug expression was met with a solid right to the jaw. Spike went down like a ton of bricks, collapsing in an untidy heap on the stone floor, unconscious.

“Stupid vampire! Wake up!” She jumped on top of him and gave him a hard shake. No response. “Great.”

Punch. “Spike! Wake up!”

Punch. “Arrgh! I said, wake up!”

Spike blinked. “No fair, baby, to hit me all sexy-like when I’m passed out. I’d rather be awake to enjoy it.” He grinned at her stunned expression.

Buffy jumped up and started pacing the room, furious. “Why? Why do I love you when you act like that? Why are all my boyfriends such idiots that don’t understand me? Why am I always falling for the wrong guy-”

“You love me?” Spike shook his head.

“There’s like, a billion people out there for me to meet, but noooo. I have to fall for vampires and guys who don’t know me from a pile of metal. Well...I didn’t fall for him all that hard....”

Spike stood up slowly. “You love me?”

“And then there’s Angel, who’s all broody and moody and secret-keeping guy like he’s the King of the Secret Keepers. And he’s all, ‘Oh, I love you but I have to go to L.A.-”

Spike shouted, “You love me!?”

Buffy paused and looked at him standing there, arms akimbo. “What?”

He sighed. “You said you loved me.”

“What?” Buffy said again, and shook her head. “No, I didn’t!”
Spike licked his lips. “Oh, yes you did, baby.” He grabbed her and pushed her up against the wall, body tight against hers. “You said you loved me,” he whispered against her ear, making her shiver.

“Well,“ she gasped as he slid down to kneel before her, tongue eager and clever against her skin. “Maybe I do love you just a little...”

***

EPILOGUE

Buffy lay back, panting, and looked at Spike laying next to her.

“You’ve killed me,” he muttered, not opening his eyes.

“Already dead,” she pointed out primly.

“Mmmm.” He rolled over, placing a sweet kiss on her shoulder, hand tracing her skin gently.

Buffy sighed. “I feel kinda bad about not being on patrol right now.”

“And yet all the mind-blowing sex somehow makes up for it all.” Spike opened his eyes and caught the look she was giving him. “Oh, come on now pet. You have Willow and the Slayerbot and the rest of the bloody Scoobies out to patrol tonight. It’s one night a week, enjoy it.” He bit her ear softly. “Here, let me help you.”

***

“Put that in your pipe and smoke it!” Buffybot plunged the stake into the vamp’s heart and turned to Willow. “He’s dust!”

Willow nodded. “Great job, Slayerbot. That’s five tonight. I think we’re doing a great job.”

Buffybot patted Willow’s arm, pleased with the compliment. “Thank you! I love to slay evil! Tomorrow night we’ll have Buffy and then we’ll kill even more baddies.”

Willow winced a bit at the reminder of just exactly where Buffy was tonight. “Uh...yeah. Tomorrow we’ll have the whole gang patrolling.”

“And Spike,” Anya reminded helpfully.

Xander stopped walking. “Anya, please. We only get one night a week without him. Let’s enjoy it.”

They walked in silence for a while.

“Buffy’s very lucky,” the Bot said suddenly, serious. “She has Spike to love her. I wish I had a Spike to love me.”

“One Spike is more than enough,” Xander said. “There’s no world big enough for two.”

They walked on, leaving the cemetery, never noticing the two figures that watched them from the distance, hidden in the trees.

“How little you know, Xander,” Warren said, smiling his best evil villain smile. He turned to his companion and gave a small laugh, feeling very pleased with himself. “I’ll get my Buffybot yet.”

The robot looked back at him and smiled. “Bleedin’ right you will,” he said, black duster flowing in the wind.

                                                            THE END