Fourteenth. Crash


Oh and you come crash into me, yeah
Baby, and I come into you
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show your world to me
In a boy's dream
In a boy's dream

Oh, I watch you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing, but you
Wear it so well
Tied up and twisted,
The way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash into me, baby
Come crash into me, yeah
Dave Matthews Band, Crash into me


One day she looks like Pollyanna,
the next day she looks like... I don't know... Lolita, maybe.
Showgirls (1995)




She was shaking. The orgasm that ripped through her short-circuited every nerve and muscle in her body. Buffy couldn’t breathe, could only gasp for air, forcing her lungs to operate when her body couldn’t respond to her brain’s commands. Trembles roared through her and she couldn’t gain control over herself. Tears seeped from behind her closed eyes and she tried huddling into a ball but her body wouldn’t – she couldn’t get any of her muscles to answer her brain.

Her teeth were chattering. It was the first sign Will noticed that something was wrong. Goosebumps had erupted over every surface and she was shaking like a leaf. “Buffy?” She shook harder. “Kitten, what’s wrong?”

“Cccold.” She chattered out, the shivers increasing.

Will looked down at her and hauled her off the couch and into his arms. “Shhh.”

Buffy buried her face in the crook of his neck, holding onto the arm that was circled around her. “Will? I’m cold. . . . hold me?”

“Oh sweetheart. I’ve got you.” He walked from the living room toward his bedroom, all thoughts of going further gone from his mind. Her reaction and the fear in her voice made him pause and think about what he was contemplating. “Will? What was that?”

His train of thought had been seriously derailed by her question. She didn’t know what had just happened – how the hell was he going to explain an orgasm? He brushed a kiss against her temple and felt another series of tremors roll through her.

Will kicked open his bedroom door, then sat down on the bed beside her. She whimpered in protest when he moved to take off his boots. “Relax, kitten.”

His back to her, Will started talking. “Just gonna sleep now, sweetheart, not doing anything else. What. . . Buffy, you. .. . that was an orgasm.”

“Oh.” She was quiet then she said, “oh!”

Will looked at her over his shoulder, catching sight of her highly embarrassed state. “I never. . um. . . not. . . that never happened before.”

His boots were off and Will rolled over, his arms pulling her close. “Yeah. I figured that. ‘S what happens when, well what should happen anyway, if the bloke takes care of his lady.”

“Oh.” Buffy felt like a fool. A stupid, innocent little fool. She buried her face in the pillow, afraid to look at him, afraid he would laugh at her inexperience.

Will felt her stiffen in his arms and wondered what was going through her head. Drawing a blanket up over them, he whispered into her ear, “what’s wrong kitten?”

“Nothing.” He wasn’t stupid. That nothing meant everything. He just didn’t know how to reach her, make her talk to him. He’d never done this before, been with a woman who didn’t know her own body’s responses. Her innocence was priceless, the last thing he’d expected, given her current state. A soft sniffle caught his attention, breaking into his thoughts. Was she crying?

“Buffy?” Will rolled her over to face him, but she wouldn’t lift her eyes from his chest. “Talk to me. Can’t help you if you shut me out love.”

She shook her head in denial that she needed to talk. A tiny hand came up to wipe away her tears and he just . . . his heart, which was already in danger of being lost, constricted a bit.

“Hey, what’s really wrong?”

Buffy pulled away a bit and Will reacted without thinking, pulling her hard against his chest. “Don’t. I want to hold you.”

Relaxing into him, Buffy’s entire body shuddered, then calmed. Breathing deeply, she lifted exhausted dark hazel eyes up to his and Will brushed a kiss against her forehead. “Won’t push you kitten, but I’m here. Not going anywhere.”

Her eyes drifted closed and she sighed softly dropping her head down against his chest. Curling into his arms further, Buffy breathed out his name once, slipping into sleep.

**********************************************************************************

He woke up alone.

Buffy was gone. The only trace of her left was the scent of her on his pillows and the indentation of where her head had been. Will cursed as he stretched and eased his muscles into movement. He got up and made his way through the house, not expecting to find her. Her clothes were gone from the wash, although his tee-shirt was also nowhere to be found. A big part of him was angry with her for just leaving without saying a word and another part understanding that she was scared and probably very unsure about everything. Will debated with himself about picking up the phone and calling her, forcing her to face whatever it was between them. He knew damn well how he felt, knew it wasn’t just a fling for him, knew it wasn’t a game; that he wasn’t the one in danger of changing his mind.

Will stared down at his cell phone, finger poised over the send button, the internal debate raging. He wanted to hear her voice. Wanted to know that she was at least safe. To know that she wasn’t . . . . just to know that she was back in her house.

A deep sigh ripped from his throat and Will put the cell phone down. If she wanted to talk to him she would call. He still had papers and tests to grade and he was determined to keep busy, even if his heart wasn’t in it.

**********************************************************************************

Xander had opened his door, bleary-eyed and more than half asleep, a pair of sweat pants hanging low on his hips. Buffy brushed past him, babbling words coming from her mouth, not allowing him time to question her appearance on his doorstep before eight in the morning nor giving him time to focus on anything. “Hey Xan, need the key to my house, got locked out and I need to get back in so I can do some cleaning and you know, other things.”

Barely awake, Xander ran a hand through his scraggly hair, his eyes trying to focus as he caught sight of Buffy watching him, her hands on her hips. “Keys?”

“Oh. Yeah. Um, hang on a minute.” He headed down to the basement, where his room was, Buffy trailing behind him, her eyes on his back, but her thoughts on the man she left.

Her insistent bladder had woken her up early, long before daybreak and she had taken the time to check her clothes and toss them into the dryer, well, everything except the bra. She’d crawled back into bed with Will, his arms settling around her like it was something they did every night, instead of for the first time ever. His hands had automatically circled her hip and breast, the fingers of his left hand brushing against the curls between her legs. Drifting in and out of sleep, Buffy’s mind had gone over the last two days of her life.

Spending a week with her father was usually a great time. Usually. Lately though, it had become more and more uncomfortable; the procession of her father’s bimbos and the constant questioning of her mother’s whereabouts grating on her nerves. This time, she had the added burden of horrible morning sickness that seemed to be lasting all day – or most of it – and the insane urge to cry – and then she had to find a way to tell her father. Which had backfired on her terribly. Buffy had spent two days trying to figure out a way to tell her father and she still bungled it. How come every time I have to say something really important, I mangle it completely? Its not like I’m dopey-girl and don’t know how to communicate.

Her sigh caught Xander’s attention and he squinted at her. “What’s up Buffster? Something wrong?”

His concern was touching, really, but not anything she could handle at the moment. She wanted to go home and curl up in her own bed and try not to think of Will’s hands on her. . . his tongue. . . A thousand butterflies took wing in her belly and Buffy nearly doubled over in response. The memories of his touch were overwhelming. Her body responded to the imaginings of her mind, the remembrance of his scent curling inside her, causing her breath to shorten and her cheeks to redden. Oh god. . . why am I here? I should be back at his place and . . .

Xander’s voice broke through her musings, bringing reality sharply back to her. “Buffy? You okay?”

“Huh?” Her head swung around to gaze at him, the blush deepening as he stared at her. “Um. Yeah. I’m good.”

Taking another deep breath, Buffy ducked her head, avoiding his intense scrutiny. “Just kind of tired and, you know, out of sorts I guess. My belly’s all flip-floppy.”

Which really wasn’t a lie. Her belly was all fluttery, just probably not the reasons Xander might be thinking. “Oh. Are you hungry?”

She laughed. “Um. Sometimes, yeah. Right now? Nope.”

“Oh. So why are you all belly rumbling then?” Xander was rummaging around in his dresser, looking for the spare set of keys to her house.

Buffy shook her head. “Xand? Did you, ya know, forget about me? Prego-girl here? Tummy rumblings are all of the normal.”

His head snapped up to look at her. “Yeah. I guess I did forget. Sorry.”

“No big. You got those keys?” Buffy perched on the edge of a chair, hands clenched in her lap. Now that she thought about it, those butterflies had taken up a different flight pattern and suddenly she was trying to fight the urge to throw up everything she’d ever eaten. She needed something cool to lay down with, because her entire face felt flush and she. . . jumping to her feet, Buffy made a motion to Xander when he held up the keys in his hand and ran past him to the bathroom.

The sound of retching reached through the thin walls of the bathroom and Xander grimaced in disgust. Man, being pregnant must suck big time.

**********************************************************************************

By the time Monday morning rolled around, Will was beyond pissed. She had called once, leaving a message on his voice mail, just to let him know that she got the spare keys from Xander and was home safe and sound and that she was going to lie down and sleep. He hadn’t heard from her since then and his natural tendency to worry was taking over. He thought he’d scared her, moving way to fast but he hadn’t been able to control himself. What really irked him was that he knew what he was doing was wrong, at least in the eyes of some people. Will had a very clear idea of how the school board and the administration and, well, the legal system would react to his actions the other night, if somehow it was discovered.

The truth of the matter was, she was seventeen and his student. There was no getting around either of those facts, no way of dressing it up or changing it. She wouldn’t be eighteen until sometime in January, if he remembered her correctly; but that was only half the problem. The legal system would turn a blind eye if she was eighteen and not his student, but the administration and the school board would not. The news was full of teachers who had been accused of having relationships with students, and not one of those ended well for the teacher; most often the teacher got sacked and labeled a pedophile.

William Giles Stevenson was not a fool. He knew the way he felt about her was wrong, in their eyes. Knew he was walking a very fine line, one that could end up with him spending time in a correctional facility, not only losing his job but the additional real possibility of being deported for his actions. And yet, despite knowing that, despite being very aware of crossing a line with her – Will didn’t regret one instant of the other night – except one.

He was not happy about waking up alone. Hadn’t been happy about it at all.

He’d tried taking his frustrations out on the punching bag and free-weights he had in his basement; tried writing about his frustration in his poetry; and lastly, drowning it in drink Saturday night.

Nothing had worked.

The clawing need he had to see her, to hold her hadn’t dissipated at all in the days since Thanksgiving. If anything, it had been worse, since that small taste of heaven. Will wasn’t normally a selfish person but this time he was going to be. He wasn’t going to let her slip through his fingers. He was going to brand himself into her soul until she had no choice but to want, need, crave him as much as he did her.

But he wasn’t going to be stupid about it either. He wasn’t going to lose his job or his freedom – he was going to make sure she understood that this wasn’t going away anytime soon. That he wasn’t going to run off at the first sign of difficulty. Nor was he going to stop wanting her.

He’d been a veritable grouch all morning, barking at students, growling at everyone he passed, ignoring his fellow teachers at lunch and just really not being himself at all. The papers he’d graded had been handed out, his comments bordering on the acerbic and he knew he shouldn’t be taking it out on everyone else, but he was angry.

It wasn’t until she walked into his classroom that the band around his chest eased and his breathing got steadier. She looked better than he’d seen her in weeks, her eyes clear and not red-rimmed, no hint or trace of tears, her skin glowing and a smile on her face. Will stood staring at her for long minutes, unable to think at all.

**********************************************************************************

After leaving Xander’s Buffy had gone straight home and, then leaving a message on Will’s voice mail, she’d brushed her teeth and gotten out of her clothes, except for Will’s shirt and climbed into her bed. She woke up late Friday afternoon, eaten some spaghetti, watched television for a few hours, fallen asleep on the couch and done the same thing on Saturday and Sunday.

The rest had been exactly what she needed. She woke up Monday morning feeling better than she had in months and without any hint of morning sickness. Yeah, baby! Thanks for letting mommy sleep and eat and for not being bratty baby this morning.

It had taken her longer than usual to get ready for school and she had a sinking suspicion that she was dressing to impress. Finally deciding on a short denim skirt and a pretty red top, Buffy pinned up her hair and smiled at her reflection in the mirror. Look at mommy today, baby, she’s feeling pretty good. . . now just be nice to mommy and she’ll be happy for the rest of the day. Remember, happy mommy makes happy baby.

Avoiding the English classrooms all morning had proved harder than she thought. Her feet kept leading her in that direction, and twice she’d found herself in the hallway leading toward his classroom, before she checked herself and headed deliberately in the other direction. But now it was time. She’d eaten lunch with Willow and Xander, praying the whole time that her belly wouldn’t rebel and force her to skip English. Nope. Not today baby. Gotta go . . . even if the butterflies are fluttering hard.

He’d been on her mind all weekend. The way he moved. . . . the way he talked. His eyes, glittering like sapphires then darkening into deepest midnight, with their uncanny ability to look right through her. His voice. . . . oh god. . . his voice, rough and low, sending those butterflies into flight and his hands. . . . Buffy blushed thinking about what his hands and his mouth had done. She wiggled in her seat, trying to hide her thoughts from her friends.

Too soon, lunch was over and it was time to head to his class. Those butterflies were taking up permanent residence in her belly, right next to the baby, and Buffy wasn’t sure which one of them was causing the feelings that were coursing through her, but she closed her eyes and prayed for five minutes of calm and the ability to walk into his classroom nonchalantly.

He was standing in the back of the classroom, watching her fellow students wander in, a silent sentinel in the back. She couldn’t look at him to see what he was wearing or his expression, because if she did, Buffy knew she was going to end up throwing herself at him. She knew the moment he saw her, felt his body react to her presence and hers reacted just as strongly. Glancing up at him from beneath lowered eyelids, Buffy blushed and smiled. Her breath caught in her throat and she just stared at him for long minutes.

Oh god. . . he. . . gah.

He raised his lip in a slight smile, his eyes twinkling as they ran over her form, making sure she was okay. Her smile got wider and he tilted his head in acknowledgment, then called the class to order.

The forty-five minutes passed by too quickly, leaving Buffy with absolutely no idea what they’d discussed and her brain filled with images of him and the timbre of his voice echoing in her head.

“Miss Summers?” She picked up her head at the sound of her name, her eyes fixed on his. “Please see me after classes.”

A mere nod of her head was his answer, but at the reassuring looks everyone else gave her, she figured it wasn’t obvious what had been on his mind. “Okay.”

The bell rang, signaling the end of his class and Will watched her go, his eyes following her out the door. Harmony Kendall was in his face in the next instant, pushing her way toward him to question the failing grade he’d given her, erasing all further thought of chasing after Buffy from his head.

Two classes to go and then he could see her. That was all he had to wait. Just an hour and a half.

**********************************************************************************

She floated out of his class, her thoughts filled with images of him and how he’d come to her rescue, how he’d taken care of her and all those other things he’d done. What she never expected . . . . his mouth . . . . Buffy blushed every time she thought about it.

Willow was chattering away, going on about something and Buffy was only half listening to her, focusing instead on those damn butterflies. She was thinking about naming them, because, hey, they’re living here inside me just like baby. Buffy brushed a hand over her belly, a soft smile on her features. Willow, mistaking the expression on her face and thinking that Buffy had been listening to her called her on it. “Buffy? Did you hear what I said?”

“Huh? What?”

“Come back down to earth.” Willow gave her a little laugh. “Did you hear me? The English Lit students are all going Los Angeles to see a play.”

That finally caught her attention. “Really? When? Which one? Who’s going?”

Giggles erupted from Willow’s mouth as she caught a glimpse of Buffy’s face. “Um. Sometime later this month, the fifteenth, I think. Not sure what show, but you could ask Mr. Stevenson when you go see him.”

“Sure. I can do that.” Buffy assured her best friend, all the while thinking, yeah, I can . . . if I can remember to think around him.

**********************************************************************************

Classes were over ten minutes ago. Five minutes ago, Sara Logan had stopped in and asked him if he wanted to come out for drinks on Friday, and then borrowed his English Lit syllabus. And now he was pacing around his room, his hands in his pockets, trying his best not to stare at the clock on the wall. This was crazy, arranging to meet her on school grounds, but Will was afraid she would just avoid him once they were on the outside. She would be smart if she did reject his advances, stopped him cold in his tracks and made herself stay away. He hoped otherwise, hoped that she was just as helpless in all this as he was, unable to stem the tide of want and need surging through their bodies.

Twelve minutes. Will stared up at the clock, his eyes tracking the movement of the second hand around the dial. She wasn’t coming. His shoulders slumped and he dropped his head back to look up at the ceiling. He slowly closed his eyes, willing away the anger and tears, trying to find a small, tiny bit of acceptance; believing that she was going to the be sensible one in this relationship and call a halt to everything.

His eyes fluttered closed, the dark lashes looking impossibly long and dark against his pale skin. The expression on his face was anything but peaceful or resigned. He was fighting the urge to go find her, the only evidence of his internal battle in the set of his shoulders and the balled fists at his side. Will was so lost to the internal fight he didn’t hear the door opening nor the soft tread of her feet.

She took two steps into the room, not seeing him at first, then quickly swept her gaze through the quiet room. He was standing partially in shadow, his head thrown back and eyes closed, muscles tense and drawn. Buffy stared at him, her eyes noting the strong lines of his profile, the deceptive slightness of his form belying the strength of his will and his muscles. A soft smile graced her features and all she wanted to do was move closer to him, bask in his warmth, watch his eyes twinkle. Her breathing accelerated and she could feel her body begin to respond to his nearness.

Two steps closer and she could almost touch him. Wanted to reach across the distance and touch him. But fear . . . did he want her? She wanted him so much that her breath hitched and an almost sob emerged from her throat.

His mind was filled with images of her golden silky skin against the backdrop of his black leather couch. Will sent a short prayer to the heavens, hoping that some deity would have pity on him and let her change her mind and show up. A noise broke through his pleadings and Will straightened, turning toward the source of the sound.

There she is. . . my angel. Will’s smile was genuine, finding the object of his affection standing in front of him, watching him. Neither one of them spoke, words suddenly not enough to convey the depths of what they were feeling. Buffy’s hazel eyes were a bright green with glittering lights and Will was lost in her.

He circled around her, moving through the rows of desks to the door, closing and locking it. Will leaned his shoulder against the door, his eyes back on her, a slight leer on his lips. “Buffy.”

It was just her name. Something she heard every day, something so mundane that it shouldn’t hit her right in her gut. But it did. His voice. . . . she got the feeling that his voice would always have this effect on her, making her knees weak and her belly flutter. . . oh. There they were again. Those crazy butterflies.

“Hey.” Her smile answered his and his breath was knocked from him. She’s bloody beautiful.

Silence fell between them, neither one of them able to breach the gap. There was no awkwardness, no need to fill the silence with useless babble. His arms folded across his chest, his eyes steady on her, but the tension was gone, blasted away in the face of her presence.

When she finally spoke, it was like a continuation of a conversation they’d been having all along, like they hadn’t been apart for the better part of four days, like they’d only just parted a short time ago. “I let the dogs out before I left.”

His voice rumbled in the air, and he took a step closer to her, “yeah, I let them back in.”
And then his arms were around her, his scent engulfing her, his words going right through her, warming her from within. “Missed you when I woke up. Wanted you there.”

“I. . . “ His finger reached out to brush against her lips, silencing her. “I understand kitten. Too much. . . . yeah?”

Buffy closed the gap between them, nuzzling into his chest. “I guess. But I missed you all weekend.” Muffled against his chest, she still sounded like a very little girl. Her arms circled his waist, her fingers looping into his belt, holding him close.

“Missed you too.” He fell silent again, listening to the thrum of her heart against his, the soft inhalations of their breaths, content to just hold her.

His heart was thumping steadily under her ear and Buffy inhaled deeply, drawing his scent down into her depths. She didn’t want to move, wanted to stay safe like this for a very long time. His hand swept across her back, then threaded into her hair, loosening the clips holding it up. He leaned down as she looked up at him and instead of kissing her forehead, Will brushed his lips across hers, his tongue seeking entrance. Buffy sighed, opening her mouth to him, letting him in.

Soft, sweet, she tasted of strawberries and smelled of traces of vanilla. Will cupped her head in his hand, strands of golden silk wrapping around his fingers. Buffy slipped her arms up around his shoulders, standing on her toes, her entire body pressed up flush against his. Will’s hand snuck down, cupping her butt beneath the short skirt, feeling her bare skin under his rough fingers. He broke off their kiss, breathing heavily. “Kitten?”

A shy grin crossed her features and Buffy batted her eyelashes at him. “I. . . um. . . “

Bright red spots bloomed on her cheeks and she couldn’t say the words out loud. His look of utter surprise was quickly swallowed by a knowing leer and his tongue slowly swept across his teeth, and Buffy’s grip on his shoulder tightened. He growled into her ear, “Naughty little kitten.” Then his teeth nipped at the soft spot on her neck. “Open up for me little girl.”

She mewled a soft little noise into his neck that went right through him. Her fingers dug into his shoulders, while his tongue licked a path from her ear down her neck, nibbling as he went. “God, sweetheart, you taste so good.”

‘Will? Buffy pulled away from him, her eyes wide and shy gazing down into his intent features.

“Yeah?” His fingers trailed across her hip, delving into the curls that covered her sex. “Oh god, baby. . . . “

Their lips met again, mouths joined, tongues swirling together. Harsh panting breaths broke across her cheek and Buffy’s heart was thundering in her chest. Will broke away from her mouth, his eyes intent on the skin his touch was revealing. “Oh angel, the way you feel . . . . like silk under my hands. Warm living. . . oh god. . . “

He dropped to his knees, both hands under the soft denim, his mouth nuzzling over her covered mound. “Show me. . . c’mon . . . “

Sliding his hands down her legs, Will forced her legs apart, but went no further, just let his thumbs rub gentle circles at the spot just over both knees. His eyes lifted to see Buffy’s face and he watched, transfixed as her tongue brushed over her lips and shy wonder crept into her eyes. Low and tempting, his voice rumbled in the air between them and she forgot everything but him. “C’mon little girl, show me. . . please.”

She could no more resist his sexy plea than she could stop breathing and emboldened by his request, Buffy dropped her hands from his shoulders and toyed with the hem of her skirt. “You want me to . . . “ she asked at once afraid and aroused by his desire.

“Oh yeah, want. . . need. . . c’mon kitten, show me. . . “ His chest was heaving now, anticipation whetting his appetite for her into the stratosphere.

Her feet moved to just outside his bent knees, her hips thrust forward just enough to tease. Inch by slow inch, Buffy moved the soft denim material up her thighs, watching his reaction. Will was dying by those inches, thumbs pressing harder into her flesh, his mouth watering, aching to taste her. He couldn’t stop the words tumbling from his mouth, egging her on in his need. “That’s it. . . oh god. . . please, baby. . . show me. . . c’mon.”

The shadow between her thighs beckoned him, and the second she revealed it to his hungry gaze, Will was on her. Groaning into her, he couldn’t, didn’t want to fight. The first taste of her drowned him and he knew he was lost for good. His tongue lapped at her, his hands holding her tight against his face.

Fifteenth: Hands of fate

My little girl
Drive anywhere
Do what you want
I don't care
Tonight I'm in the hands of fate
I hand myself
Over on a plate
Now
Oh little girl
There are times when I feel
I rather not be
The one behind the wheel
Come
Pull my strings
Watch me move
I do anything
Please
Sweet little girl
I prefer
You behind the wheel
And me the passenger
Drive
I'm yours to keep
Do what you want
I'm going cheap
Tonight
You're behind the wheel, tonight


First her mother called and then Sara Logan’s boyfriend called him, and now she was on the phone again, this time with Willow. He was beginning to hate cell phones. Really. Truly. With a passion that bordered on. . . . Will ran a hand through his already tousled curls and eyed his underage girlfriend. A smile curled his lips despite his frustration as he watched her try to talk on the cell to her best friend.

She really was adorable. And her blush was enough to drive him crazy with want.

Buffy was currently sitting on his desk, talking animatedly to Willow, while he watched her. She was twirling a piece of hair in her fingers, her eyes avoiding his, but she was very aware of his eyes on her, because the blush never left her skin.

It was crazy and he knew it.

They were taking a huge risk, meeting in his classroom, after hours. He had no idea why his mouth had said that earlier and he really was going to have to watch every last thing he said, because he had absolutely no self control around her. His brain shut down and his body just did exactly what it thought was best. Which wasn’t always a good thing. He got, not so much tongue-tied, but he just didn’t always say the best thing or the most responsible thing either. And he knew he had to be the smart one. Knew he should be telling her that they had to stop, he just couldn’t get his mouth to cooperate.

He wasn’t listening to her conversation, didn’t want to know any of the teenaged things she might be planning on doing, because it would only reinforce what he already knew. There was a world of difference between them, a world of experience. He sometimes felt so old watching her; far older than the ten years separating them, especially when she was sitting in his classroom or walking in the halls with her friends. But when they were alone, just the two of them, all the rules went out the window – all the doubts and those differences were no longer of any importance.

Will was staring at her again, his eyes on her legs where her ankles crossed, watching the smooth play of muscles as she swung her feet. The taste of her was still strong in his mouth, on the roof and rolling over his tongue. Will was determined not to forget it, the salty sweetness of her and he brought his fingers to his mouth, in an effort to fix her taste in his memory. He never heard her end the conversation, nor did he realize she had turned off her phone until she lightly jumped down from his desk. Her face was flaming red again and she couldn’t look him in the eye.

“Will?” She lifted her eyes, focusing on his lips. “Are you mad at me?”

“No. What makes you think that?” He was mystified, because he’d been patient for the entire length of the call, not even distracting her as he wanted too.

“Because you’re frowning and you’ve got,” she shrugged, uncertain about his mood. “I dunno. I just thought you’d be mad at me.” Buffy risked a glance up at his eyes and was surprised to see affection and something else she couldn’t identify swirling in the depths. “I’m never sure around you.”

“Why’s that kitten?” He was intrigued and yeah, he’d been aggravated at first, but really, oral sex in the classroom, not something he should be engaging in, no matter how badly he wanted her. Will reached out, snagging her tiny hand in his, meshing his fingers with hers.

She seemed to relax the second his hand touched hers. “I can’t talk . . . I’m all. . . “ she sighed, trying to make him understand how she felt whenever he was around or even when she just thought about him. Taking a deep breath, Buffy just blurted it all out. “See, I’ve got these butterflies. . . and they sort of like you and every time I think about you or talk to you they sort of fly around and make me get all fluttery too. And I know that doesn’t make any sense and I can’t explain it and. . . ”

The instant she started talking, he pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her, holding her against his chest. But that wasn’t enough. He needed more. Will picked her up, his hands sliding underneath her skirt, palming her bare skin, pressing her hard against his renewed erection. His mouth cut off her words and she melted into him, her curves soft against his hard planes.

Her legs wrapped around his waist, the skirt riding up as he held her tight. “Buffy. . . oh god. . . “

He was just about to slide his fingers into her warmth when his cell phone vibrated at his hip and the handle to his classroom rattled. His uncle’s voice sounded in the hallway outside his door and they both froze. Buffy pulled away, panic clearly on her face, and Will held his hand over her mouth gently when she tried to speak. Will pulled her close into his arms, his mouth against her ear. “Shhh. Its okay, he’ll leave after a moment. I locked the door, remember?”

Buffy nodded against his chest, and she could hear their hearts thundering in a syncopated beat. This was crazy. They shouldn’t be doing this at all. Not here anyway.

Giles went away after a few moments, though neither of them moved for long minutes. Buffy pulled away from him, wiping tears from her eyes. “I . . have to . . I can’t do this. Not now. “

Grabbing her bag, Buffy headed straight for the door, fighting with the lock to get it opened. Will stared at her for a moment, then shot to her side. “Buffy. . . Buffy. Stop. Sweetheart, c’mon, stop.”

She was hyperventilating, unable to get a clear breath and hiccups sounded in the still air. Her fingers were scrabbling for the lock and when he touched her, Buffy collapsed against him. “Will? I’m scared. I can’t. . . . I’m scared about everything.”

“I know, baby. I know.” He held onto her, his own panic receding in the face of hers. “It’s gonna be okay, I swear it. Shhhh. . . c’mon baby, don’t cry.”

“How am I supposed to do this? I . . . the baby and Riley, that dumbass and. . . now you and. . . Mom and what Dad said and. . . “ All the fear she had came tumbling out of her, the floodgates opened by the scare they’d just lived through and Buffy couldn’t stem the tide. He was the only one who listened and didn’t make a judgment, who just let her cry or laugh or just be. Everyone else looked at her like she was an alien or something. Even Willow looked at her funny some times. And she hated it. Hated being different. Hated all the changes that had happened before she even had a chance to get used to them. She wasn’t ready for all of this – being a mom – at least not on her own.

The only time she didn’t feel alone was when she was with him.

He didn’t treat her any differently, except for the touching, but . . . Buffy looked up into his concerned blue eyes and broke down again. Will picked her up, cradling her against his chest, his voice murmuring low against her cheek. They were nonsense words, just noises really, but it didn’t matter. It was his voice, his arms holding her and Buffy knew there was nothing better than this. She was safe with him.

The tears stopped almost as quickly as they came and Will smiled when she swiped her nose on his shirt. “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey kitten, it’s okay, really. You can do that anytime.” He half smiled down at her, wiping away the mascara stained tears from her cheeks.

“Panic? Nope. Don’t think I wanna do that anymore.” Pushing away and out of his arms, Buffy stood in front of him, leaning into his chest. Taking a deep breath she looked at him. “This isn’t a good idea.”

He sighed, then kissed her before she could say anything further. “I know sweetheart. We shouldn’t. Its wrong. And I’m years older than you. But Buffy,” he looked down into her eyes, his hands cupping her face, “I don’t care. I don’t want to let you go.”

“I don’t want to let you go either. But meeting here is crazy.” Her voice was a soft breath over his skin and Will leaned down to kiss her again.

“So we don’t do this here. Ever.” He kissed her once more, and any resistance she might have been able to muster melted under his insistence. “Okay? Not here.”

Buffy slid her arms around his waist, her face pressed against his chest, just over his heart. “Okay.”

**********************************************************************************

They waited a full half hour before venturing from the classroom. His cell phone had gone off again, and this time, in an effort to keep his hands from wandering over her yet again, Will answered it. It was Sara Logan, wanting to touch base with him about a couple of things that she kept forgetting to mention, including how to get around certain restrictions for the trip to Los Angeles. They were the only two senior English Lit teachers who were going on the trip and both were trying to avoid sharing a room with their colleagues. Sara was trying to get the Will to agree to sharing a room with her boyfriend and then they would switch, after all the “children” were tucked away in their beds.

Buffy watched him while he talked, almost the same way he had watched her earlier, while she’d been chatting with Willow. He never sat still. Or rarely anyway. He was up now, pacing the room again, the phone to his ear, gesturing one handed. Buffy’s eyes were riveted on his forearm, watching the play of muscles as he moved it around. He really was. . . he was deceptive. Will didn’t look all that imposing or tall, but he had an indefinable something that drew everyone’s eyes – and not just women. She’d seen the way guys reacted around him, the way the smarter students responded, the way he was able to connect with almost everyone around him. He made it seem so easy. Even Snyder, that worm of a principal, backed off from him. Only Mr. Giles didn’t seem to be all that affected, but now that Buffy knew the truth about their relationship, something they’d managed to keep a closely guarded secret, it made perfect sense that Giles wasn’t afraid of him.

He was strong, she knew that much. Though they didn’t talk about, she sort of knew what had happened that day Xander and Riley had fought. At least she knew what Xander had told her about what happened. Will had pretty much cold-cocked Riley, nearly knocking him out, without even breaking a sweat. Pretty impressive considering Riley was a couple of inches taller and probably had him by a few pounds. But watching the play of his muscles under his skin, Buffy didn’t think height and weight were all that important when it came to power. She had a feeling that Will could more than take care of things if it was important.

She was so caught up in watching him move around that she didn’t hear him end the phone call. Perched on the edge of his desk, her mind just contemplating the man in front of her Buffy had a wistful smile on her face that drew his attention.

“What’s on your mind kitten?” His voice startled her and Buffy blushed again at being caught daydreaming.

“Nothing. Just. . . . watching you.” She ducked her head so that he couldn’t see the tell-tale blush on her cheeks.

Will tilted his head, a grin on his face. “Like what you see?” He sauntered closer to her, almost prowling. “Well?”

“Oh god.” She breathed out, her eyes big and wide in her face, staring at him. He’s sooo damn hot. “You are such a hottie.”

He spluttered out a laugh at her artless exclamation. “Me?”

She shook her head, wondering at his reaction to her statement.

“Not me sweetheart.”

Grinning back at him she quipped, “oh yeah you, and you know it.”

He’d reached for her then, his arms automatically sliding around her, his voice a low growl in her ear. “Yeah baby, that’s me. All bad.”

**********************************************************************************

“I’m sorry Miss Summers, but I cannot allow you to go on this trip. Your circumstances dictate that.” Buffy sat in Principal Snyder’s office, while the little man denied her request to go on the senior trip to Los Angeles.

“My circumstances? What are you talking about?” Buffy was afraid of this, that people were going to start treating her very differently, but she’d never expected this reaction.

“Really Miss Summers, don’t play stupid with me. The entire school knows, the administration knows and the school board knows. Your pregnancy, Miss Summers, has forced the administration to make adjustments for you. I don’t like making adjustments for students. I don’t like letting students have the upper hand, especially ones without a future. You, Miss Summers, are going nowhere.”

Snyder had a sadistic nasty little smirk on his face as he delivered this pronouncement to her, uncaring of the fragile emotional state of the girl in front of him.

“There will be no more adjustments Miss Summers. No excuses for lateness or absences and everything will count. And you will not be going with the seniors to Los Angeles.”

She started to protest and Snyder’s smile just got wider, the gleam in his eyes positively malicious. “No Miss Summers, there is no recourse.” He got up, moving to the door of his office. “Have a good day.”

And she had no choice but to leave.

**********************************************************************************

Willow was practically bouncing in her seat, excited about going to Los Angeles to see a play and Buffy tried hiding her disappointment and her upset from her friend and it was, amazingly working. The redhead was enthusiastic enough for both of them.

But the tears were just below the surface and Buffy knew if she saw Will in this state, she’d just start blubbering. It was easy to let go whenever he was around. He didn’t expect her to be stoic and strong, didn’t expect anything from her. She wanted to curl up in his arms and just. . . Just be.

She couldn’t though, because it was daylight and a school day. Thankfully, though, it was Wednesday and they were going to see each other. It was two weeks since the near disaster in his classroom and aside from classes, they’d only had a brief handful of moments, most of them spent kissing.

The bell rang for class and Buffy suddenly realized she couldn’t sit in his classroom at all. Mumbling some excuse to Willow about not feeling good, Buffy fled in the opposite direction from his class.

**********************************************************************************

His life was reduced to counting hours between meetings. It was insanity, it was completely crazy, what he was doing and he knew it. Every time he touched her, Will put himself in danger of, at a minimum, losing his job. And yet he couldn’t stop.

They were reduced to meeting in the one place they knew no one would even think to look. In Restfield Cemetery. Will thought it ironic that the one place he felt really alive was the place housing hundreds of dead people – the cemetery – whenever she was near. And as much as it killed him, he refused to let anything other than kissing happen. And it was killing him. He walked around with a damn near perpetual erection and no matter how many times he took himself in hand, it was right back the minute he thought of her, which seemed to happen all the time.

Will didn’t fool himself though, he new that the situation wasn’t going to last, he wanted her too badly, needed to touch her.

He was pacing the length of his classroom, waiting for his sixth period class to finish filtering in and when Willow came in alone, Will knew something was up, something not good. If Buffy wasn’t with her, since the girls were almost inseparable during school hours, there was definitely something wrong. Especially if she didn’t come to his class. He knew it was the only place in the building that she felt one hundred percent safe and that was because it was his room. But he couldn’t make a big deal of her absence, even if it worried him out of his mind. He had to shrug it off and play it nonchalantly. But inside he was worried.

Calling the class to order, Will focused on his lesson plan and tried pushing her absence out of his mind.

**********************************************************************************

The house was empty again. Her mom was gone. She’d left this morning for South America, Brazil she thought, on a buying trip. She wouldn’t be home until the sixteenth and today was only the eighth. Will would be leaving on the same day her mother returned and wouldn’t be back until the nineteenth, the last day of classes before the Christmas break.

Buffy put her books down on her desk and laid down on her bed. That was when the tears started. She’d really wanted to go on the trip, wanted the opportunity to do everything the rest of her class got to do. She wanted to be normal, just for a little while. Wanted to forget that she wasn’t normal, not anymore. Part of her really wanted to pretend that she wasn’t pregnant, wasn’t alone, wasn’t scared out of her mind and wasn’t in love with her English teacher.

Wait a second. What? No. That . . . . Buffy hugged Mr. Gordo tighter to her chest. She rolled the thought through her head a couple of times. I’m in love with my English teacher. I’m in love with Mr. Stevenson. I’m in love with Will Stevenson. I love Will. Oh my god.

Buffy rolled over onto her side, clutching Mr. Gordo and one of her pillows tight to her chest, a watery smile on her features.

**********************************************************************************

Her cell phone was off. He’d tried calling her twice and he didn’t dare leave a message in case someone else got a hold of her phone. She’d disappeared from school and he hadn’t heard from her at all. Will was beginning to worry about her, but he also knew that she would show up in time to meet him in Restfield. Instead of going to open mic night, Will had skipped the last two Wednesdays, preferring to spend his time with her. As much as he loved performing, he loved her more and she was more important to him.

Pacing the confines of his kitchen didn’t help. He kept picturing her, wandering around the rooms, curled up on his couch, sitting beside him or on his lap. Frustration made his motions jerky, as he moved around the room putting dishes away. He needed to be doing something, any thing to keep his mind off Buffy. Yeah, right mate, how to keep your mind off the girl you love. Blowing out a breath, Will stood still for a moment. Grabbing his cell phone, he tried one last time to get her on the phone.

Will was standing in his kitchen, his cell phone at his ear and he growled when her voice mail picked up for the third time. In a very controlled motion, because he wanted nothing more than to throw the thing against the wall, Will put the cell phone down and walked away from it. The dogs were under his feet, Kennedy growling and yipping at his feet while he stalked from one room to the next. Idly noting the time, Will realized it was two hours before he could even expect to meet her in the cemetery and he knew he wasn’t going to last. Will was standing in the living room, staring at his couch, anger and frustration coursing though him. Which was completely irrational and he knew it.

That’s it. I don’t care. I’m going to see her now. Will stomped toward the door, his keys in hand and he’d opened the door to find his uncle and Jenny standing on the doorstep.

“Will. We just stopped by to see if you wanted to grab dinner.”

He stifled the groan that was building in his throat and motioned them inside. Though he hated to admit it, this was divine intervention, and he wasn’t about to foolishly ignore it. But he needed to let Buffy know he might be a few minutes late tonight.

**********************************************************************************

She’d fallen asleep on her bed, something that was happening with increasing regularity. Buffy liked naps, but it was beginning to worry her. She wondered if she should mention it to her doctor. Buffy stretched, almost willing to stay put, but the fullness of her bladder and tummy growling let her know she couldn’t stay put, no matter how much she wanted to.

Buffy washed her hands and face after she was done in the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror. Those dark circles were back and her eyes were a dull, flat, murky brownish-hazel. Okay girl, can’t go looking like this. Gotta do something to look okay for Will. Stripping out of her clothes, Buffy stepped into the shower. Hopefully, she’d be on time tonight and not very late.

**********************************************************************************

Dinner was a quick and painless affair, all things considered, but it had given Will an insight as to why Buffy had skipped out of school. Giles’ offhand comment about Snyder’s latest campaign to humiliate and degrade his students one by one having found its latest target would’ve passed right by him if not for the second half of his comment. “Apparently Snyder refused to allow Miss Summers a waiver that would allow her to go on the trip.”

Will froze, which went unnoticed by his uncle, but Jenny looked at him curiously as he continued to sit there. It was the look on her face and the question in her eyes that made him aware of the strangeness of his reaction. He recovered before Jenny could say anything, mumbling a question at his uncle.

“Snyder told her in no uncertain terms she wasn’t allowed any more concessions, that he wasn’t going to allow her any leeway at all.” Giles stabbed his steak, displeasure obvious.

Will sat back, looking at his uncle. “He did what?”

“Refuses to allow her any more absences or latenesses.” Giles had such a look of distaste on his face that Will stopped eating.

“And you agree with him?”

Giles looked up swiftly, his gaze meeting Will’s for the first time since the conversation started. “No. I don’t. Snyder is an overbearing prick. And what he’s doing is wrong.” Giles shook his head. “The girl needs compassion and help, not Snyder’s attitude.”

At this Jenny’s curiosity got the better of her. “What’s wrong with her?”

Will took a deep breath then said, “she’s pregnant and only seventeen. She’s one of the smartest girls I’ve ever taught.” He refused to go any further, knowing if he did he’d betray his feelings.

“Buffy Summers scored almost perfect marks on her SATs and she could possibly have a very bright future ahead of her. She’s a very sweet girl.” Giles put in his two cents, then added, “however, her home situation isn’t good and the baby’s father has abandoned her also. Poor girl is going through a very rough patch.”

Jenny made all the appropriate responses, her eyes never leaving her plate, but some sixth sense was telling her that somehow Will was more affected by this than he was letting on. But she held her tongue.

It wasn’t long after that when Will made his excuses, leaving his part of the check, then heading for the door. Jenny watched him go, contemplating his profile as he reached for his cell phone.

**********************************************************************************

She got his cryptic message, wondering what could keep him, but knowing it was something he couldn’t easily get out of. Instead she waited at her house until it was time to meet him and then she headed out.

It was cold, well, cold for Sunnydale, and she’d brought a blanket with her. One or the other of them did that, and she hoped he remembered one also, because it was chilly. Buffy wandered through the headstones, thinking about what Snyder had said to her earlier. His comments echoed the ones her father had made and Buffy fought the tears. Not crying about this anymore, coz its just not helping and making me feel worse. Dad’s a jerk and Snyder’s a worm.

She kicked a low headstone, then grumbled when her toes hurt. She apologized to the dead person, hopping away on one foot.

He watched her approach, a smile on his face as he caught glimpses of her talking to herself. “Hello cutie.”

“Will!” She dropped the blanket and practically flew at him.

His arms opened automatically, sweeping her into his embrace, wrapping her in his strong arms. “Missed you kitten.”

She nuzzled under his chin, inhaling his scent deeply. “Me too. . . was so tired and I needed to sleep.”

He knew she wasn’t telling him the whole truth, knew that was only partially the reason she’d left early. “So Snyder being an ass wasn’t why you left?”

Buffy glanced up at him. “Okay, so that was a big part of it. He’s such a troll. I hate him.”

“Can’t say I blame you.” Will snagged the blanket she’d dropped, walking her backwards toward one of the mausoleums. It looked like a cave, with roughhewn marble walls and it afforded them more shelter from the chilly night air than some of the others. Sitting down first, Will pulled her down into his embrace. “Did you eat?”

“Yup. Mom left stuff again.” He was silent. Her mother’s frequent trips were starting to bother him somewhat. The woman was barely ever home.

“How long is she gone for this time?” Will hugged her close, his hand worming its way under her top, his long fingers brushing over a hardened nipple.

“Cold hand! Hey!” She tried wriggling away from him, but Will just chuckled, pulling her closer. “She’ll be back around the sixteenth, just in time to get ready for Christmas.” Buffy made a face. “This time next year I’ll be a mom and the one trying to get everything ready for Christmas.”

Will pictured her, bathed in the glow of Christmas lights, surrounded by wads of wrapping paper and bows, baby toys scattered all around her, the smell of pine and bayberry and vanilla enveloping her. The fact it was his living room and that she was pregnant didn’t really register until she started softly humming a Christmas song.

“I love Christmas. Its so nice. What’s Christmas like in England?” She shifted in his arms, looking up at him, her eyes fixed on his lips.

“Not like here. Usually cold, damp . . .” he got a wistful look in his eyes, then continued to tell her what Christmas had been like when he was small. For some reason he always remembered the last Christmas before his father died, when his mum laughed for no reason and everything was happy. Perhaps it was because the following year was so bleak, his father dying around Guy Fawkes Day and nothing had been the same since.

There were tears in her eyes when he finished, but he supposed it was in response to his tale. He hadn’t meant to say that last bit, about his mum and da out loud, but he must’ve, because she reacted to his words.

“Oh Will, that’s so . . . “ Buffy pulled his head down to hers, her lips finding his in a comforting kiss. She had no other way to comfort him, not at that moment. She wasn’t even sure which one of them she was seeking to comfort.

Will held her in his arms, the chill night air around them and made a silent promise to himself, and to her, that someday soon, he’d take care of her and have a Christmas with her, like the ones he used to have and it would be the way he remembered because they would be a family.

**********************************************************************************

They had no free moments during the next few days and only brief meetings at night. The temperature dropped unusually low for Sunnydale, but what was worse was the rain. Will was beginning to think the heavens were conspiring against them when the rain didn’t let up for four days. And then, just as suddenly as it had changed, it cleared up and the temperature started to climb.

Figures, just in time for me to leave. It was the night before the seniors and some select juniors were to leave for Los Angeles. Once more they were sitting in the cemetery with Buffy cradled in his arms. “You sure you’re gonna be okay kitten?”

She sighed, her breath warm against his neck. “I’m gonna be fine. Mom comes home sometime tomorrow and you don’t have to worry.”

“Always have to worry ‘bout m’girlfriend.” He didn’t realize what he’d said until she twisted around on his lap to look up at him.

“What did you . . . did you just call me your girlfriend?” She paused, looking for the answer in his eyes, which were trained on hers. “Why did you?”

He ran a thumb down her cheek, his other fingers curving around her head, holding her steady. “‘S what you are. Can’t rightly take you out and treat you proper jus’ now, but doesn’t mean I won’t.”

Buffy had a strange look on her face, something Will hadn’t ever seen before and it confused him for a long minute. He thought maybe he’d said it too soon or had it wrong, that she didn’t really feel the same until she said, “its how I think of you. . . as my, well, not as my girlfriend, but you know as my . . . boyfriend. And I thought I was crazy to think that and I’m babbling aren’t I?”

His broad grin and twinkling eyes were enough to tell her it was okay and he said, “yeah, you are kitten, but its sweet.”

She pouted a tiny bit and he almost growled at her. “You aren’t just saying that are you?”

He was confused for a second, not really following her line of questioning. “Sayin’ what?”

“That I’m your girlfriend.” She ducked her head, almost afraid to look at him.

Will kissed her temple, then lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him. “Wouldn’t play with you like that kitten. There’s only you.”

He didn’t say anything more, afraid she would be frightened off, but he was thinking it. Thinking about her being more than just his girlfriend, more than just . . . . he didn’t want to let her go. Ever. Wanted that. . . love, honor, cherish . . . commitment from her. But Will thought it was too soon, imagined it would be too much for her.

Buffy searched his eyes, looking for some sign that he was playing with her emotions. No one ever. . . . her parents’ love was conditional, dependent upon their moods or how they were feeling about each other – she had realized at a young age that her parents had a love-hate relationship and it was hard living in that shadow. And Riley had said over and over that he loved her, but at the first sign of trouble, he bailed on her. Buffy wasn’t stupid, she knew that wasn’t real love. But Will . . . he never said the words, didn’t toss them about easily, and yet, his actions kept proving that he felt something for her. She hoped it was love, because she was more than suspecting that’s how she felt.

Her small hand cupped his cheek, her thumb running across his lips, a soft smile on her face. Buffy kissed him, her lips soft and sweet and Will groaned, deepening the kiss.

**********************************************************************************

When she got home from school, her mom was already in, unpacked and napping up in her room. It had been a miserable day, mainly because nearly all the classes were empty and Willow was gone with the others on the trip. And Will was gone too.

Thankfully, Xander, who wasn’t taking Senior Lit, was still around, but he wasn’t much help for her mood either, since Cordy was on the trip. They moped around together most of the day, neither one of them in the happiest of moods. Xander chalked Buffy’s mood up to being sad she had no girlfriends to talk to and tried hard to cheer her up, but it was obvious to both of them that his heart wasn’t in it. She’d left school early, since her last two classes were completely empty and got home in time to get the mail. There was a card for her and a note indicating there was a certified letter waiting for her mom at the post office.

Leaving the small note for her mother, Buffy climbed the stairs to read her card in private. There was no return address and she hadn’t a clue who sent the card.

It wasn’t until she was lying on her bed, with the envelope open that she realized who it was from. The card was one of those missing you notes, and was addressed to kitten, signed always without a name. But she knew.

She didn’t need his signature. Brushing away a tear, Buffy slid the card under her mattress, then got out her homework.

Hours later her cell phone ringing woke her up and squinting at the time, Buffy thought about not answering it, but when it kept ringing, she flipped it open.

“Hello cutie.” His voice sounded so close.

“Hello yourself.”

Sixteenth Mama may have. . .

Mothers are not simply models of femininity to their daughters but also examples of how a woman reacts to a man. Daughters learn about fathers, and men, not only by being with Dad but also by observing their parents’ marital relationship—or its unraveling.
Victoria Secunda

Mothers who have little sense of their own minds and voices are unable to imagine such capacities in their children.
Mary Field Belenky, Blythe Mcvicker Clinchy, Nancy Rule Goldberger,
and Jill Mattuck Tarule, Women’s Ways of Knowing.




Joyce held onto the registered letter for two days before she thought about opening it. Nothing good ever came from a registered letter and she knew this one wasn’t going to be any different. It sat on her dresser, and every time she walked passed it, she thought about opening it, but changed her mind. She was too busy getting ready for Christmas to deal with it anyway.

Once more standing at her dresser, Joyce knew she was really just avoiding the issue. The letter and its contents weren’t going away anytime soon. She didn’t want to read whatever was contained in that letter. Determined to ignore it yet again, Joyce resolutely walked away and grabbed the rest of the Christmas decorations. The holiday was a week away, time the house looked like it. Maybe now Buffy will stop moping around.

**********************************************************************************

He’d called every single night while he was gone and they’d talked for hours. It was easier, because she could say anything and not have to worry about him watching her and harder because she wished that it was like she kept imagining. That they were curled up together on his bed, his arms around her and her head on his chest, his voice reverberating under her ear.

But they were coming back today, sometime around three and he wanted to see her tonight. Needed to see her or so he said. So Buffy was taking extra care getting ready for school, her mind so focused on Will that she didn’t hear her mother’s knock on the bedroom door.

She jumped when her mother’s voice sounded from her bedroom doorway. “Buffy you want to explain this letter?”

Turning confused and startled eyes toward her, Buffy shrugged. “What letter? What’re you talking about?”

“This letter that came from the Finn’s attorney.” Joyce held it out so that Buffy felt compelled to take it.

“I didn’t know you got a letter from them.”

Joyce’s voice, when she finally spoke, was flat and emotionless. “When were you going to tell me they offered you seventy-five thousand dollars to sign away Riley’s rights?”

“I dunno.” Buffy shrugged again, not wanting to get into it with her mother first thing in the morning. “Do we have to talk about this now? Can it wait until later?”

“No Buffy, it can’t.” Joyce folded her arms across her chest, watching her daughter intently. “When were you going to tell me?”

Buffy shrugged once more, unwilling to admit that she probably wouldn’t have ever told her about their offer. She dropped the letter on her bed, not wanting to touch it anymore.

“That’s an awful lot of money. Not something you say no to on your own.” Joyce was upset, not only because Buffy had refused their offer, but also because she hadn’t even told her about it.

Buffy was trying to control her temper, but it wasn’t proving easy. “These are the same people who wanted me to have an abortion, Mom. Not much with the trust and good feelings.” She moved away from her closet. “Besides, its my decision anyway.”

“No, its not just your decision. I’m your mother. I have a right to know about all this.” Joyce picked up the letter, waving it around for emphasis. “You can’t make this kind of decision on your own. You aren’t an adult yet.”

Temper flaring, Buffy turned around to face her mother. “I’m an adult Mom. Adult enough to make decisions, hard ones about my future and do what’s best for me and the baby. And seventy-five thousand isn’t enough. Sorry if you don’t like it.”

Joyce got huffy, once more waving the letter at her daughter. “Did you read this? It isn’t seventy five thousand anymore. Maybe you should rethink your decision.”

With that Joyce left the room, slamming Buffy’s door behind her.

**********************************************************************************

Aside from being without her for three days, the trip to Los Angeles wasn’t so bad. It had given him a chance to talk to both Sara and her boyfriend Malcolm, and to spend time thinking about his relationship with Buffy. He was grateful too, that he’d agreed with Sara’s little plan, because he was able to spend hours each night talking to her, and, although he had to resort to taking care of business after, it wasn’t something so unusual. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had to wank so much – it had at least been since he was a teenager – but even then Drusilla had been around.

He hadn’t expected any more from Buffy than she was willing to give and he had a feeling that she wasn’t really ready for them to have sex. Aside from her not being ready, it was impossible for them to meet anywhere but the cemetery. They couldn’t risk being seen in public, couldn’t risk her being seen going in and out of his house, unless in a group and he couldn’t go to hers. It would have been all together different if Buffy drove – but she didn’t. He was going to have to change that soon, because the winter, such as it existed in Southern California, was just starting and while not quite as cold as other places, it did get chilly at night and it rained a lot, since they were on the coast.

The bus ride back to Sunnydale was interminable, the two hour drive turning into a disaster, from the moment they boarded. Traffic was backed-up from the minute they’d left the hotel and now, an hour and a half into the drive everyone was restless, grumbling and complaining about the lack of movement. Will was sitting in the front, trying to read, when the sound of raised voices reached his ears. Not recognizing any of the voices involved, Will put down the paperback and reluctantly got to his feet to settle the situation.

Making his way back to the area where the raised voices were coming from he was surprised enough to stop dead in his tracks. Willow was almost standing on her seat, face flushed and bright spots of anger on her pale skin, mouth moving and venomous words tripping from her tongue. She was faced off against Riley and Harmony, who were two seats behind the redhead, Harmony on her feet in the aisle while Riley was sitting with his back against the window. The teens were surrounded by a group of others, most of them stunned to silence by the normally quiet Willow ripping Harmony and Riley apart.

Willow paused to take a deep breath, her hands fluttering about in her agitated state and that was when he realized he had an opportunity to stop this. “All right. What’s going on back here?”

Wary eyes turned to him as the students began to register his presence. Enraged dark green eyes met his and Willow spluttered something that vaguely resembled English, trying to explain what was happening. Will raised his hand, cutting her off. “I’m not sure I need to know the exact particulars, Miss Rosenberg, I can pretty well imagine what was going on.”

“How can you be so nice to her, she was saying all sorts of mean and nasty things.” Harmony flounced back into her seat, which happened to be Riley’s lap, giving him what she thought was an adorable pout.

“Miss Kendall? Park your butt in your own seat, not on Mr. Finn’s lap. And those tactics don’t work with me.” Riley muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like an insult to Will, and in response, Will raised an eyebrow. “Care to share your opinion with the rest of us, Mr. Finn?”

When Riley remained quiet, Will nodded, saying, “I didn’t think so. Detention, tomorrow, for everyone. Next one to raise their voice will get suspended.” He waited patiently, looking pointedly at Riley, almost daring him to speak, but the teen remained stubbornly silent.

Leaving the teens where they were Will headed back to his seat.

**********************************************************************************

Her mother was sitting at the dining room table when Buffy came in the door, the hated letter on the table in front of her. Joyce had been staring at it for more than a few minutes, trying to formulate arguments to persuade Buffy to see reason where this offer was concerned. One hundred thousand dollars would go a long way to making sure both Buffy and the baby had everything they needed. It would certainly help her situation enormously.

Never once questioning the motivations behind the gesture, Joyce merely took it at face value. To her it was simple. The money was enough to make up for the lack of a father.
Buffy took one look at her mother sitting at the dining room table and knew she’d been stewing about it all afternoon. Trying to head off the coming storm, Buffy spoke first. “No work today?”

“No. I took the day off to recuperate and get things done around here.” Joyce motioned to the chair opposite her. “Sit down so we can talk.”

“Mom. I really don’t want to do this.” Buffy made a face, shifting from one foot to the other, reluctant to sit with her.

Joyce sat back in her chair, watching her daughter squirm. “No, I really think we need to talk about this now.”

Buffy hesitated, torn between wanting to get this over with and wanting to avoid it altogether. Resignation washed over her when she caught a glimpse of the determination on Joyce’s face. “All right Mom. Lemme hit the bathroom first, okay, then we’ll talk.”

Nodding her head, Joyce watched her daughter go, her thoughts focused on marshaling her arguments. The teen was back quickly, prepared to face whatever arguments Joyce could come up with to talk her out of refusing the money.

Drawing in a deep breath, the older Summers woman began speaking. “Buffy this is a lot of money, money that neither your father nor I have immediate access to. This money could support you and the baby.” She paused, holding up her hand to forestall Buffy’s impending interruption. “Yeah, I could get some of that money, and I’m sure your father has plenty of money that he’s not sharing with either of us, but that isn’t the point. The point is the Finns are offering and I believe the smart thing to do would be to accept.”

“That money isn’t nearly enough Mom, not for either of us. Just how long do you think its going to last? Ten years? It won’t even get us to when the baby is a teenager. And forget about college. I won’t be able to afford that for myself, much less for the baby when the time comes.” Buffy was shaking her head, refuting everything her mother had just argued.

“All the expenses add up to way more money then they’re offering and really Mom, its just wrong.”

“What’s wrong?” Her daughter’s last statement had Joyce a bit mystified.

Buffy sighed, trying to corral her scattered thoughts. “What they wanna do Mom. They wanna buy me off so I’ll go away and leave Riley alone so he can go off and do what he wants. Have his future. Go to West Point.” Buffy fought sudden tears. “Its not fair. I didn’t get myself pregnant – this baby is just as much his responsibility as mine and he shouldn’t be able to just sign us away and forget.”

She did have a point, but one that Joyce wasn’t really ready to concede. “There’s no guarantee he’d stick around, sweetie. Lots of men don’t. Your father didn’t and we were married. I think you’d be better off getting what money you can now and forgetting about him. He’s just like all the others.”

“No Mom. I still think its wrong and I don’t . . . . “ she paused, once more trying to find the right words without bursting into tears. ‘I don’t care if he sticks around later, that’s not what this is about. This is about him owning up to the fact this is his baby. Its about him having to think about it every month as he writes out the support check. Its about him . . . and me, not about you and Dad or anyone else.” Buffy looked away from the sharp-eyed gaze of her mother, her jaw set and shoulders squared. She wasn’t going to back down from this decision. “Besides, Mom, you should know just how much it costs to raise a kid – and you know damn well that this offer isn’t nearly enough.”

Her tone had gotten hard with those last words and unwilling to continue the discussion, Buffy got up from the table. “Let me know what we’re gonna do about dinner. I have homework to do.”

**********************************************************************************

He had a raging headache by the time he got the kids off the bus and into the custody of their parents. Times like these he almost hated teenagers and Will was convinced they were all of demonic origins. And bus trips with them were the tool of the devil, designed to inflict torture that would have made Torquemada proud.

Will also now had to deal with the paperwork suspending both Harmony Kendall and, surprisingly Willow Rosenberg. The girls hadn’t stopped bickering back and forth the entire trip, even after he’d thought he’d calmed them down by threatening them with the suspension, but apparently Harmony was as stupid as she appeared, because the girl had provoked the studious one once too often.

Harmony had walked passed Willow, supposedly to get something from Cordelia Chase, who was trying to stay out of the whole situation and inadvertently knocked Willow’s head with her elbow. Which really, no one believed, least of all him. Willow hadn’t retaliated physically, but verbally, and he’d discovered, much to his amusement, that Rosenberg had quite the harpy’s tongue when she was provoked.

Separating the two had been an exercise in futility, much like washing a pair of cats, and had contributed heavily to Will’s headache. Rosenberg had ended up sitting with him, while he’d grudging placed Kendall with Cordelia Chase, who promised to keep her contained and away from the other girl.

Thankfully, the Chase girl had come through and she’d kept the blond in her seat and away from everyone else, including the over-fed wanna-be soldier boy she was currently dating. Which, he picked up from the constantly muttering Willow, who hadn’t been in the least bit happy that she’d gotten suspended because of Harmony Kendall.

As much as he liked some of these kids, including Willow Rosenberg and Cordelia Chase, Will was thankful he was done with this trip and didn’t have to do another one of these for a year. He was tired and drained and really just wanted to get himself a drink and kiss his girlfriend. Well, that really wasn’t all he wanted, but it was all he was going to have to settle for, because his girlfriend was under-age and he couldn’t just take her to bed like he really wanted to do. How in the hell does she put up with all this crap every damn day?

He really wanted to know, because this nattering and bickering was enough to drive him round the bend, he couldn’t imagine being all caught up in the drama of it all. Will got the feeling Buffy didn’t care much for the gossip and backstabbing, at least not anymore. Once you’ve been the brunt of more than your share of rumors and the target of more than a few nasty barbs, the taste for such pettiness wore off rather quickly. She didn’t say much about it, but he knew there were times when the bullshit got to her, especially whenever Harmony was the one orchestrating events.

Rubbing a thumb over his scarred eyebrow, Will made his way into his uncle’s office, prepared to give him a report on why he’d suspended two girls, when Willow’s voice called out to him. “Mr. Stevenson?”

He turned, waiting for her to catch up to him. “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have, but you know, I can’t stand what he’s done and he’s just such a big jerk and really, Harmony? And like, its just so wrong what he did and she’s not around to defend herself or even wants to . . . and,” she paused, noting the bewildered look on his face. “I didn’t use any verbs or finish any of my sentences did I?”

At his shaken denial, Willow took a deep breath and started over again. “Harmony was talking about Buffy and saying some very mean things and not-so-very-much with the truth either about her and Riley that big jerk just sat there and said nothing. Didn’t even tell her to shut up, which is way wrong and just, how could he do that?” Without skipping a beat or waiting for his response, she launched right back into her babbling. “Anyway, I lost my temper and I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you or anything. I understand why you did that.” Her goofy smile lit up her face and it took him a minute to figure out what she was blathering on about, but he eventually got it.

“Its all right Red, I understand why you went after Harmony. But next time, do it someplace other than a school event, okay?” He peered down into her eyes, trying to convey without words what he meant.


“Oh.” It took her a minute, but Willow got it. “Ohhh. Right. See ya, Mr. Stevenson.”

And with a little wave and a wrinkle of her cute nose, Willow ran off.

Will was shaking his head with tired laughter when he finally reached Rupert’s office, but it was quickly replaced with the burning need to get home and do nothing.


**********************************************************************************

Dinner was a strained and silent affair, neither of the Summers women willing to concede or agree their opponent’s arguments. Buffy had the feeling this letter was going to become a real issue between them, because her mother was clearly upset with her, the tense set of her jaw and the glint in her eyes a clear indication of Joyce’s temper.

For her part, Joyce understood very well what Buffy was trying to say, but didn’t care to listen to her headstrong daughter. Most of that money could be invested and Buffy could use a little of it each month for expenses. If they invested the bulk of it, that would be almost enough. As it stood, this was a solid offer and Joyce couldn’t think of any reason to refuse it. Pride could be swallowed for that kind of money. Lots of things could be overlooked for that kind of money.

Buffy was being stubborn, and, in Joyce’s opinion, very foolish about this whole situation. It was clear to her, that Buffy was hoping Riley would come to his senses and marry her. Joyce was harboring no such hope. She’d long ago given up believing there were any good men left, ones willing to assume their responsibilities and take care of their families. The fairy tale of happily ever after didn’t exist and the sooner Buffy faced that the better off she was going to be. Riley wasn’t going to marry her and even if, by some miracle, he did, they wouldn’t last more than ten years. And really, why bother if that was going to be the ultimate outcome? It wasn’t worth the pain and aggravation for any of them. Better to take the money and shut him out. Her daughter’s heart would be safer that way.

If Joyce had known her daughter any better, she’d have been far more worried.

Buffy, on the other hand, knew her mother very well. Knew what she was thinking about the money and knew what her mother thought about men. Everything with her parents was colored by their feelings for each other and frankly, Buffy was tired of it. She wasn’t hoping Riley would beg her forgiveness and want to marry her. In fact, if he did any of that, the way she felt right now, she’d probably slug him. And she had this feeling that Will would react even more violently. Will . . . . suddenly she really wanted, needed to see him. Needed to be held by him, to hold him close. If this baby was his, she knew none of this would be an issue. He wouldn’t run away, wouldn’t try to buy her off or ignore her and she sure as hell didn’t believe for one second that he’d dump her and start going out with some dumb blonde.

Idly picking at the remains of her dinner, Buffy jumped when her cell phone buzzed at her hip. Lifting it to her ear, Buffy said a soft hello and smiled when he whispered low and rumblingly, “hello cutie.”

Picking up her plate, Buffy walked into the kitchen, listening to him tell her what time they should meet. Disconnecting with him, Buffy hit speed dial for Willow’s number and enlisted her to act as cover without giving her any real details, and telling her they would talk about the trip and why Buffy needed her to cover during the next day’s lunch, Buffy put her dishes in the dishwasher and turned back to the dining room to confront her mother and lie to her about where she was going.

**********************************************************************************

He arrived a good twenty minutes before she did, unable to stay away any longer. Will needed to see her, feel her, hold her. . . . just needed her. The headache was gone, vanquished with the assistance of tylenol, beer and the lack of noisy teenagers. Now all he needed was to see her and he’d be a happy camper. He was pacing around the headstones, his tread heavy and purposeful, even if he was just going in ever widening circles.

Buffy watched him for a few minutes, content to just see him stomping about, his head down and his long black duster swirling around his feet. She loved that coat. It was old, probably as old as she was, if not older, the leather soft and buttery. It was as much a part of him as the bleached hair, and she wondered if he’d acquired the coat around the same time as he started bleaching, and what was the reason behind that anyway? Eventually, she was sure to get the truth of it out of him, because there just had to be a good story behind that. And the scar. He hadn’t detected her presence just yet and she could hear him humming some tune as he waited.

Will made another ever-widening circuit through the headstones surrounding their favorite crypt, his mind blank. The fuzzy buzzing in his ears from the bus trip was finally going away and now he had an old Smiths tune running through his head and the fatigue from the bus trip from hell was beginning to wear on him. Plus, he had to break the news of his Christmas plans to her and Will really wasn’t looking forward to that. Drusilla and Liam were expecting him, like they did every year since the girls were born. He sighed, lifting his head up to look at the clear night sky, and caught a glimpse of Buffy watching him.

She was leaning against a tall marble headstone, her head cocked to the side, eyes trained on his pacing form and a soft smile playing on her features. God, he fucking loved her smile. It did all sorts of funny things to him, making him weak in the knees and want to do everything in his power to keep that smile on her face. Crossing the distance between them, Will swept her into his arms, his mouth on hers in greeting before she could even react to him. Buffy curled her arms around his neck and shoulders as he lifted her in the air, her legs wrapping around his waist and soft whimpers sounding in her throat.

He smelled so good. Smoke and leather and cologne and just him.

She smelled like heaven. Vanilla and jasmine and home and just her.

He broke off the kiss to bury his head between her breasts, pushing aside her coat and inhaling her scent deeply. “Fuckin’ hell I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too. A lot.” Buffy slid her hand down under his collar, desperate to feel some skin. She had missed him, missed being held by him, missed knowing he was just a quick walk across town if she needed to see him, missed seeing him in school. A soft sob escaped from her throat and she whispered, “Oh god Will, I missed you so much.”

“Hey, what’s this?” He looked up at the sound of her whispered confession to find tears pooling in her eyes. “Kitten, you knew I was comin’ back, shhh. Don’t cry baby, please?”

She nodded her head but the tears fell anyway. He reached up his left hand to wipe away her tears, his other arm tightening around her waist. “Sweetheart, please don’t cry.”

Buffy nodded again, a quavering smile breaking out over her features. “I’m so weepy-girl.”

“Its all right. I’m here now, I’ve got you and ‘m not letting you go.” His fierce declaration unfurled the knot that had been sitting in her belly for days and Buffy let go of the rigid hold she had on her emotions. Laughing and crying at the same time, she wrapped her arms back around him, her head dropping down to his neck. She kissed him once, twice and nipped him on the third and was rewarded by his low growl. His hand worked its way under her shirt, warming at the touch of her skin. He carried her back toward their crypt, murmuring softly in the crisp night air, reveling in the feel of her in his arms.

Once settled, Will reluctantly brought up the subject of Christmas.


**********************************************************************************


Buffy was proud of herself for not breaking down in tears when Will had told her about his standing Christmas plans and for not getting angry either. Truth was, she was numb and more hurt than anything else. She’d been hoping that they might be able to sneak away to Los Angeles for the day and be together without fear of someone seeing them, like a real couple without serious issues. She hadn’t cried while they talked about it, nor as he walked her home, but once inside the confines of her bedroom with Mr. Gordo in her arms, Buffy let the tears fall. It wasn’t fair, how they had to hide because of stupid rules. Because some people might get upset. But she was afraid too, that maybe he . . . nahuh Buffy, not gonna think about it. I am not going to believe that he doesn’t love me, just because he hasn’t said the words. I’m gonna be all trusting girl.

She fought a sniffle and the tears that were threatening and listened to Willow gushing on about the trip to Los Angeles, determined to pay attention. They were sitting in Sunnydale’s only lunch spot that didn’t cater to the highschool crowd, mainly because Buffy didn’t really want to deal with any of her fellow classmates, at least not at the moment. And they weren’t in school because Willow had surprisingly gotten suspended for her actions on the bus trip back. Buffy had waited for her to show up all morning, but it wasn’t until English that she found out why Willow wasn’t in school. There’d been no opportunity to ask Will about it either, and so she’d left his classroom and called Willow right away.

So here they were, surrounded by senior citizens with hearing problems and all sorts of other problems that were far more important than the petty twists and turns of another day in the life of a highschool student. Buffy’s eyes swept over the tables around them, her gaze resting on an elderly couple, their hands entwined and heads bent together. They looked so sweet, their wedding rings glinting in the December sunlight, highlighting the wrinkles and spots of old age on their skin. She stared at them for long minutes, watching with tears in her eyes as the old man reached out to cup his wife’s face and then, as his gnarled fingers hovered over her aged lips, the old woman kissed them. Oh god. That’s so sweet. And beautiful. And I want that. I want someone to love me when I’m old and wrinkled. I want Will to love me when I’m old and wrinkled.

Willow watched her best friend as tears sprung to her eyes, and turned her head to follow her line of sight, to see what had made Buffy cry. All she saw was an old couple sitting together, the wife wiping the man’s mouth as he gently pushed her hands away. Something else was bugging her, Willow could sense it, and her curiosity got the better of her. “Okay Buffy, spill. I wanna know what’s going on.”

It took the blond a minute to come back to herself and she blinked in wide-eyed confusion at her best friend. “Huh? What?”

“You’ve been off in lala-land for the past couple of days.” The redhead leaned back in her seat, pushing away her salad. “So dish, tell me what’s on your mind.”

“Wills, you haven’t been here for the last couple of days. There’s nothing on my mind.” Buffy waved her off, pretending there was nothing wrong.

“Right. So that old couple over there didn’t make you cry for some reason and your head hasn’t been in the clouds since we sat down. So dish, gimme the goods on what’s in your head.” Willow stared into her face, not letting Buffy look away.

Giving in, knowing that Willow wouldn’t rest until she had the full story, Buffy leaned forward until they were only inches apart, separated only by the table and stared Willow down.

Whoa, that is one scary look. Willow swallowed noisily, waiting for something dire to emerge from Buffy’s mouth.

“You swear not to breath a word to anyone? I mean not anyone. Not ever.” Buffy had a look on her face that Willow had never ever seen anyone wear. A look of determination and stubbornness and something indefinable that Willow could find words to describe. Fierce anger? Protective vulnerability? Whatever it was, it was a contradiction in meanings, and boded something very serious indeed was in the telling.

“No one. I swear.” She paused a beat, then squeaked out, “not even Xander?”

“I mean it Wills. Not Xander. No one.” Buffy’s jaw clenched and her lips thinned, all traces of softness gone. “Promise me.”

“Okay. Okay.” She grinned sheepishly, hoping to lighten the mood a little bit. “Wanna pinkie swear?”

Despite the seriousness of her expression, Buffy smilled. “You are such a goof.” Sobering instantly, Buffy continued. “Okay, so you promise?”

“Cross my heart and all that.” Willow made the criss-cross motion over her heart, a crooked grin wavering on her features.

Inhaling deeply Buffy said softly, “I met someone.”

Willow squealed a bit then changed her expression when Buffy didn’t break out in accompanying giggles. “This is a good thing right?”

The petite blonde was shaking her head. “Oh its of the good. The best. But he’s older.” She waited gauging Willow’s reaction.

“Oh a college man, go Buffy!” Wait – does he know about the baby?” Willow sipped her water, waiting for Buffy’s answer.

“Yup he knows. And he’s not in college.” Buffy looked down at her french fries. “He’s already graduated and got his master’s too.”

Willow nearly dropped her drink. “How old is he?”

And that’s when the look – the oh-my-god-I’m-so-in-love look bloomed across the golden tanned features of her best friend, shocking Willow completely. “Buffy?”

“He’s . . . He’s great Wills. He’s so sweet and kind and he’s known from the beginning about teen-mom Buffy and its like he doesn’t care, well, okay, he does. But,” she paused, trying to gather her scattered thoughts, “its like it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t treat me all freaky, except he’s like way over-protective.”

“Wow. Just. Wow.” The giggles were back. “So details? C’mon, I’m your best friend, paint me a picture.”

Buffy hesitated, knowing somehow if she described any part of Will, other than his personality, they’d be busted. And the last thing she wanted was for them to get caught. So she kept his looks out of the description she gave Willow and extracted another promise from her about keeping her mouth shut.

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