Title: Hold On

Author: Nebula

Rating: PG-13

Time Period: post 'All the Way', Season 6

Pairings: S/B, X/A, patching up W/T, B & D friendship.  And, of
course, Spike & Scooby friendship, which means no bashing Spike, but
I don't really like bashing up my poor Spike.  *snickers*  All
right, not all the time.

Summary: Song-fic, done to 'Hold On' by B*Witched from 'The Princess
Diaries' soundtrack.  There comes a point in your life where you
finally can't take anymore.  Buffy reaches that point, and decides
there's only one thing she can do.  Can the Scoobies stop her in
time?

Disclaimer: The boys aren't mine, Joss owns all, thank you Mr.
Whedon so very much for sharing! 

NN: All lyrics and italics are enclosed in 'these quotations', per
usual.  Enjoy!

< --- >

  "Dawn, you're gonna be late for...oh, who cares," Buffy said with
a sigh.  She could hear the others chattering downstairs, and she
groaned, clutching her head.  She could feel a migraine coming on,
and the last thing she wanted to do was go to work, or face her
friends, or what she was probably going to end up doing: both.
  She glanced at the radioactive outfit for DoubleMeat Palace and
cringed.  She hated her work.  She hated her life.  Goddess, when
had it become such a mess?  She just wanted things to be back to the
way they were. 
  Back to the neon outfit that still had that nasty grease stain she
hadn't been able to get rid of.  The outfit seemed to be mocking
her, sneering, "You're a failure.  A complete, utter, failure, and
aren't you glad you got dragged back from complete peace for this? 
At least be thankful they let your mother stay dead so she wouldn't
have to see this," and that was it.  Buffy snapped.

'You've always been a tough girl,
But you feel you're about to break.
You're feelin' stuck, and outta luck,
What's in your dreams all slip away...'

  She quickly got dressed in a comfortable outfit that she adored,
before grabbing the offending work clothes and shoving them into a
nearby duffel bag.  The hat, name tag, and even the socks followed
after.
  She looked up from zipping the bag shut in time to see a blanketed
figure running for the back door.  Buffy frowned and managed to look
surprised at the same time.  What was 'Spike' doing here?  She'd
only told him a few days ago that they were over.  He'd avoided her
ever since.
  She shook herself and headed down, bag in hand.  She didn't care
anymore.  At least, she wasn't supposed to.

'Been workin' mornin's in the kitchen,
And workin' nights at the corner store;
As your life flies by, you wonder why,
And you know that there's gotta be somethin' more...'

  "Dawn!" she yelled heading for the basket of keys near the front
door.  Where was it...?  Ah, there it was.  She hauled out her mom's
ring of keys, hoping the car still ran.  She wouldn't be needing it
for very long.
  "I won't be late for school," she heard her sister sigh.  "I was
just about to commence pouring milk over sugary goodness that's
otherwise known as artificially flavored cereal, so what did..."
  "Grab a banana or something," Buffy ordered, flinging the front
door open.  "We're leaving now."
  Dawn's voice was confused, and Buffy could imagine the Scoobies'
faces looking just as puzzled as her sister's was.  "School doesn't
start for another hour, though."
  "NOW," Buffy grated out through clenched teeth.
  "But..."
  "'Now.'"
  "Right, coming," Dawn said, hurrying out with an apple in
hand.  "What's the rush?  And what about the others?"
  The Scoobies and Spike came out right behind her, their eyes
widening as they heard Buffy's tired response.
  "Frankly, my sis, I don't give a damn anymore."
  With that, she grabbed her surprised sister and headed out to the
garage.  The latch on the garage door was undone, and the side door
into the garage opened.  She unlocked the SUV and took a seat behind
the wheel, tossing her bag in the back. 
  Dawn stared at her like she'd gone mad.  Maybe she had.  "Get in!"
Buffy demanded, closing her door.  Her sister scurried in, possibly
too afraid to argue with her insane sister.
  "Where are we going?" Dawn finally ventured as Buffy started the
car.  "More importantly, can you even drive?"
  "Guess we'll find out," Buffy muttered, opening the garage door. 
Dawn's eyes widened comically, and as they pulled away, she
mouthed 'help me!' to the stunned Scoobies on the porch.

'Hold on, but don't hold too tight;
Let go, it's gonna be all right.
Don't run away from what your
Heart is, sayin', oh...

Be strong, face what you're afraid of;
C'mon, show 'em what you're made of.
I know it's hard when your hope is gone
But you gotta keep holdin' on...'

  "So...where are we going?"
  Buffy gripped the wheel tighter.  "You'll see."
  Dawn nodded, before glancing at their cargo.  "What's in the bag?"
  "Go ahead and look."
  Dawn frowned at her almost comatose sister, reaching down for the
bag.  One look at its contents caused her to turn, surprised.  "Your
work clothes?"
  Buffy nodded.
  "Uh, hate to break it to you, but the Palace is back the other
way."  Dawn glanced up, her frown deepening as they passed the
cheerful 'Now Leaving Sunnydale' sign.  "As is the rest of
Sunnydale."
  "I know."
  Dawn stared at her sister incredulously.  "What's going on with
you?"
  "Nothing," Buffy replied sadly.  "I just gave up."
 
'You hear a voice that's callin',
And it's tellin' you to make a change...'

  "Okay, what just happened here?"
  Anya shrugged.  "I think she left."
  Willow and Xander stared at her like she'd gone mad as Buffy
obviously had.  "But...but...Buffy doesn't...she..." Willow
sputtered.
  "Buffy doesn't drive!  She doesn't know how!" Xander exclaimed for
her.
  Spike said nothing, merely staring down at the road with a shocked
look on his face.
  "M-Maybe she taught herself how...?" Tara suggested lamely.
  Xander shook his head.  "No, something's wrong.  I mean, really
wrong.  Did you hear what she said before she tore out of here? 
That she didn't care anymore?  What was that all about?"
  Spike still said nothing, and after a quick glance at the vampire,
Tara had to wonder if he hadn't gone comatose.
  Willow nodded, agreeing with Xander.  "She looked really tired and
upset.  I wonder why?"
  A snort had them turning to Spike, who glared at them.  "She's
miserable 'cause you damn Scoobs ripped her outta the only peace
she's found since she started slayin'," he snarled.  "You heard
her.  She doesn't care anymore.  She probably wants to die.  THAT'S
why she's upset, you twits.  She's been fallin' apart, and not one
of you has given it a bloody notice.  Always expectin' her to hold
everythin' up for you lot, and you don't consider the fact that she
can't anymore."
  The gang stared at him, stunned into silence.  Anya blinked,
before saying, "Well, we know why she took the car now.  Especially
if she can't drive."
  All eyes turned to her, frowning, before widening in alarm.  "Oh
goddess," Willow breathed.
  "Then why take Dawn?" Anya continued to muse out loud.
  "She's gonna kill herself," Tara murmured.
  "Try to," Spike corrected, running for his blanket.  "Harris, get
your car: we're goin' after her."
  As Xander ran to unlock his vehicle, Spike allowed himself to
fully panic.  She'd broken his heart a few nights ago, stating that
she was just using him.  The relationship had to stop, before they
both wound up dead.  After days of pondering the situation, he'd
made up his mind and headed out for the Summers' house, wanting to
talk it out with her.  He'd also wanted to help her deal with her
problems before they pushed her over the brink of despair, giving
her good reason to do terrible things.
  Apparently, he'd been too late.
  Grasping the blanket around him, he hurried out to the running
vehicle, barely making it in before Xander slammed down on the gas
pedal.  In minutes they were racing down the road, hoping to reach
her before she went down in flames.

'It's time to fly, and say goodbye,
And move on to a better place...'

  "You gave up?  What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
  When Dawn wasn't reprimanded for her language, she knew it was
really bad.  "Buffy, talk to me, please," she begged, biting her lip
nervously.
  Buffy chuckled bitterly.  "I haven't talked to you all year. 
That's just one of the things I gave up on.  Having a sister. 
Having friends.  Having a life."
  "And whose fault is that?" Dawn commented, raising her eyebrows.
  Buffy spared her sister a glance and blinked at the look her
sister was giving her.  "Don't do that," she growled.
  "Do what?" Dawn asked, confused.
  "That eyebrow-raising-thingy.  You look like Spike."
  "Is there something wrong with that?  He's not all that bad a guy,
you know."
  "I do know," Buffy said before she could stop herself.
  Dawn stared at her sister, mouth slightly agape.  "You're
admitting to liking Spike?"
  "No!" Buffy answered a little too quickly, trying to keep her eye
on the clouds rolling in. 
  A grin blossomed on her sister's face.  "You like Spike.  You
really like him, as in crushing like!"
  "Stop it," Buffy mumbled, keeping her gaze on the road.
  "There's nothing wrong with liking him."
  THAT caught her attention.  Buffy turned to glance at her sister,
who was regarding her with a saddened look.  "I know you think he's
all evil and that, and yes, he tries to convince himself of that
too," Dawn said, before adding quietly, "But you know, he's actually
a really good guy.  He's got a white hat, just like the rest of us,
only he doesn't wear it as publicly."
  "He wears it more than I do these days," Buffy whispered, starting
to tear up.
  "You're the only one who can change that," Dawn said gently.  "You
gotta let us help.  Talk to us.  Vent on us.  Don't run away from
things anymore.  You have to take that first step to freedom."
  Buffy said nothing, but her gaze spoke volumes as she thought over
her sister's words.
  "Spike also thinks Xander's a cool guy to hang out with, but in
order to hear that confession, you have to give him several bottles
of whiskey," Dawn said, watching her sister really smile for the
first time in months.
  "He told you that, huh?"
  "He doesn't know that he did," Dawn said, giggling.  "He passed
out, and doesn't remember any of it."
  Buffy pictured Spike blabbing his deepest secrets of actually
enjoying Xander's company and couldn't suppress a laugh.  With the
picture of Spike also came the picture of him naked on the bed.  She
didn't mind seeing that picture either, but it was her next memory
of him that made her cringe.
  The look on his face when she'd told him it was really over, even
calling him by his real name...that was something she wasn't bound
to forget anytime soon. 
  "Buffy?"
  Buffy turned away, unable to look at her sister.  "Is something
wrong?" Dawn pressed, staring at the blonde, worried.
  "Yeah," Buffy said unhappily.  "Me.  I don't like what I've
become.  I wanna go back to where I was."
  "Heaven?" Dawn asked, wincing.
  Buffy bit her lip.  "Back to the old me.  The me that knew how to
live life to the fullest, and who loved without holding back. 
That's where I want to get to."
  She sat up straighter, slowing the car down.  "And this is the
place that's gonna get me there."

'You know you gotta take the first step,
To get to where you wanna be.
Just get on track, and don't look back,
'Cause it's the only way that you're gonna be free...'

  "Up there!" Willow called, pointing at the SUV that was parked on
the side of the road.  She swallowed as she looked at the what the
side of the road actually was: a rock slide down towards a desert,
cliffs overlooking a rocky bottom hundreds of feet down. 
  The car hadn't even stopped before Spike was jumping out, thankful
it was no longer sunny.  He raced over to the railings, his worry
reaching new levels as he watched Buffy and Dawn head down towards a
jutting cliff face.  Slung over Buffy's shoulder was a small bag.
  "Wh-What do we do now?" Tara asked, standing next to Spike.
  The others hurried over, nervously watching the two sisters make
their way down to the edge.  "At least they didn't die in a car
wreck," Anya offered.
  "She's gonna jump," Willow said suddenly, her eyes
widening.  "That's why she brought Dawn along: i-it has to be
symbolic, of when she jumped the first time.  Oh goddess, no..."
  Spike had already jumped over the railing, racing down to stop her
before she took the fatal plunge.  His undead heart wrenched at the
remembrance of the tired look on her face.  She was just so tired,
and he should've seen this coming.  He wasn't even aware of the
others following him down, he was so focused on his girls.
 
'Hold on...
You're gonna make it,
You're gonna be stronger...'

  Buffy set the bag down on the rocky surface, bending over to dig
out its contents.  "Still not getting the point here," Dawn said,
peering over the ledge.  Her vision swam at the height and she
quickly pulled away, thankful she'd had a small breakfast.
  "It's symbolic," Buffy answered, pulling out the work
clothes.  "Work with me here."
  "Why a ledge with a really long drop?"
  Buffy grabbed the shirt, handing one end of it to her
sister.  "Because something's going down there."

'Hold on...
Hang in there baby
Just a little bit longer...'

  "What does her work outfit have to do with any of this?" Xander
asked, panting slightly as they made their way down the steep hill.
  "Why are we even going down there?" Anya asked, grimacing as she
slid.  "Spike's going to reach her well before we do."
  "Because he's right," Willow said softly.  "This is our fault that
she's like this.  Unhappy.  Suicidal.  We have to give her our
support, and not just back away anymore."
  Xander paused, before nodding.  "You're right.  HE'S right. 
Hopefully she'll forgive us?"
  "Let's make sure she's there to take the apology in the first
place," Tara said, all eyes swiveling towards Buffy, who was
reaching for the shirt her sister held. 
  All contemplative thoughts fled as the gang sped up, hurrying
after the vampire in a desperate race to reach their friend.

'Hold on...
Yeah, and you're gonna be fine.
Don't give up; be strong,
When the goin' gets tough you gotta,
Hold on...'

  Spike watched in growing dread as Buffy leaned forward towards the
cliff face.  He cried out as she stepped forward...
  ...And yanked at the shirt in her sister's hands, ripping it in
two.  Dawn's eyes lit up.  "Whoa," she breathed in
admiration.  "That looks like so much fun."
  Buffy ripped the shirt again, handing a smaller piece to her
sister.  "Help yourself."
  Dawn practically bounced as she threw herself into her task,
tearing the shirt into shreds.
  The Scoobies finally made it down, almost bumping into a surprised
vampire at the bottom.  They stood in shock as the Summers made
short work of the shirt.
  "Now what?" Dawn asked, grinning.
  Buffy grinned back, turning to the cliff.  "Now we get rid of
them."
  With a whoop of sheer delight Dawn threw her remains of the shirt
over the cliff, watching the pieces slowly make their way down to
the bottom.
  Buffy tossed hers into the air, watching in satisfaction as they
disappeared forever into the canyon. 
  "Can we rip up more?" Dawn asked, clapping her hands excitedly. 
  It was Buffy's turn to raise her eyebrows.  "Methinks you like
destroying things too much."
  Dawn shrugged.  "It's catchy."
  Reaching down into the bag, Buffy pulled out the pants, which her
sister took with glee.  "You guys gonna stand there all day, or are
you gonna come help?" she asked without turning.  Dawn glanced
behind her and blinked at what seemed to her the sudden appearance
of the gang.
  Tara was the first to shake off her surprise.  "I can work on
something small," she offered, before taking a few steps back to
catch the pair of socks tossed her way.  She split the two, handing
one of the socks to Willow with a smile.  With an even bigger smile
gracing her face Willow stepped forward, taking the sock and pulling
at the fabric.
  Dawn pouted, tugging at the pants that refused to give.  Xander
shook his head with a small chuckle and headed over to help the
teen.  Anya hurried over to help her fiancé and friend with the task.
  Buffy pulled up, the last items in her hands, only to bump into
Spike.  The two stared at each other, before Spike extended a
hand.  "May I assist?"
  Buffy continued to stare, until she began to smile.  "I'd like
that," she admitted softly, handing him the hat.
  In one swift move he ripped the small plush cow from the cap,
handing it to Buffy with a bow.  She giggled at the formality and
pushed it back towards him.  At his confused look, she nodded her
head towards the cliff.  "The honor is all yours," she said with a
small curtsy.
  With a smirk he threw the plush and, after a confirming nod from
Buffy, the hat over the cliff and into the canyon below.
  The others were busy depositing the last of their objects into the
valley below when Buffy stepped forward, fingering the last item. 
The gang stepped away, letting her be the one to finish the job.
  She glanced down at the tag, running her thumb over the bright
white letters that bore her name.  "I quit," she murmured, before
glancing back up at the large valley below her.
  With as much strength as she could muster Buffy hurled the name
tag far into the canyon, never to be seen again.

'Hold on, but don't hold too tight;
Let go, you're gonna be all right.
Don't run away from what your
Heart is, sayin', oh...

Be strong, face what you're afraid of;
C'mon, show 'em what you're made of.
I know it's hard when your hope is gone
But you gotta keep holdin' on...'

  The gang gathered round the edge, glancing over at the mess at the
bottom.  "That was fun," Dawn said, turning to her sister
suddenly.  "Can I rip more things now?"
  "Sure!  You can start with that new top you bought the other day. 
Though, granted, that won't give you much to tear up," Buffy said,
grinning at her sister's playful nudge.
  "Were you going to jump over yourself?" Anya asked, ignoring the
hisses of her name behind her.
  Buffy sighed, her shoulders slumping.  "Honestly?  I thought about
it.  Really considered it.  But..."
 
'I know it's hard when your hope is gone...'

  "But I didn't wanna give up.  I wanted to keep holding on to what
little of my life I had left.  Giving up was too easy.  And I wanted
to be the Buffy I remember being.  The Buffy that didn't give up. 
Always gave as good as she got.  Loved with all of her heart.  And
when I realized that, and I realized I didn't wanna give up, I knew
I had the first step down.  So I knew I could take the rest of the
steps, too."
  "First one's always the hardest," Willow admitted softly.
  Buffy nodded.  "Tell me about it.  But I'm back.  I held on
through the worst of it, and I think I'm finally back to where I
wanted to be.  At least, on the right path for it."
 
'But you gotta keep...yeah...holdin' on...'

  "We, um, wanted to apologize," Xander said, causing Buffy to
turn.  "For not being there when you needed us."
  Buffy smiled, pulling him in for a long hug.  Willow soon
followed, murmuring her 'I'm sorry' along with Xander.
  "I'm sorry I wasn't there either," Buffy said, her expression
pained.  "We all kinda drifted apart this year, didn't we?"
  The others nodded slowly.  "But hey, like you said, back on the
right path," Willow said, brightening.
  "Took the first step and everything," Dawn chipped in.
  Buffy turned to the group, her eyes landing on Spike.  He frowned
at her gaze, but said nothing.  "There's one last first step I have
to take," she said, before reaching out and grabbing Spike's arm. 
Before Spike could comprehend what was going on she had her arms
around his neck and was parting his lips with her tongue.
  The gang stared as Spike melted into the kiss with a moan, his
hands beginning to roam up and down her spine.  Dawn's grin
stretched from ear to ear.
  When they pulled away, both were gasping for air, though
technically only one of them needed it.  "Wow," Anya said, turning
to Xander.  "That's hot."
  Xander could only nod dumbly, staring at his best friend.
  Buffy pulled back enough to stand by Spike's side, taking his hand
in hers.  "Um, this is the really awkward part where I tell you that
Spike and I have sorta, not officially, been together for a couple
of months," she said, shifting from foot to foot in her
nervousness.  "And this is also the part where I tell you that it's
permanent now.  That is," she added quickly, blushing furiously as
she said to Spike, "if you can forgive me for what I said, and if
you'll still have me."
  Total silence reigned for a few moments.  Only for a few moments. 
In the moments that followed Buffy was squealing as Spike hoisted
her into the air and spun her around, Spike was laughing in delight
at her admission, and the gang shared looks that spoke volumes. 
  "She's happy, guys," Dawn said quietly as the couple continued to
beam at each other.  "Just look at her."
  Xander and Willow exchanged looks once more, before nodding
reluctantly.  "He does at that," Willow admitted.
  "If she's happy, then I guess I am, too," Xander said, turning to
Anya with a half-smile.  "It's just gonna take time getting used to,
that's all."
  "Wait, what about your job?" Dawn asked, frowning at her
sister.  "We just kinda tossed it down into the canyon."
  Buffy shrugged after Spike set her down gently.  "I'll figure
something out.  We'll make it work.  We always do."
  "And we'll be there," Tara added, the Scoobies nodding their
agreement.  "We'll help you guys through it."
  Buffy glanced over at her friends, before back up at Spike.  "I
could use some breakfast," she said, taking Spike's hand in
hers.  "Maybe donuts?"
  Dawn stared at her, mouth open in mock fury.  "Excuuuuuse me?" she
said, racing after her sister.  "After you made me eat fruit for
breakfast?!  So typical," she huffed, before breaking into a grin.
  For the first time in a long time Buffy laughed, feeling more like
her old self by the minute.  "What can I say?  A Slayer's metabolism
is an incredible thing," she teased.
  As the gang began to discuss the unfair advantages Buffy sometimes
had as a Slayer, Buffy leaned against Spike and whispered, "I wanted
to thank you and Dawn."
  "For what?" Spike said, frowning slightly.
  Buffy smiled, placing a small kiss on his lips.  "For helping me
hold on, when everything seemed hopeless.  You guys pulled me
through, especially you."  She winced as memories of how he'd helped
her ran through her mind.  "I'm really sorry for the way I treated
you this year."
  This time, it was Spike who smiled.  "It was worth it, bringin'
you back.  Just glad to see you happy.  That's all.  In fact, it's
the reason I went over to your house this mornin' at all: wanted to
tell you that even after what you'd said, I'd still be there for you
and the Bit.  Wanted to help bring you back to life."
  Buffy smiled, squeezing his hand.  "You did.  Trust me."

THE END