Chapter 12

"Have you heard from your sister?" Xander asked.

"She's going to be in L.A. until Spike's well enough to travel," Dawn said without looking up from the newspaper.

"Spike's coming back here?" Xander asked, confusion lacing his words.

She shrugged, "It sounds like he doesn't want to, but you know how Buffy can be. She's awfully.

***

".stubborn as a bloody ox!" Spike exclaimed.

"I'm not stubborn," Buffy protested. "You're the stubborn one."

"You are stubborn and childish."

Buffy stuck her tongue out and stomped her foot.

"See! You just proved my point, stamping that cute little foot of yours."

Buffy was temporarily distracted from the argument. "You think I have cute feet?"

Spike rolled his eyes, "You have cute everything. Now don't try to change the subject."

"I'm not changing the subject! Look, if it means so much to you, we don't have to watch Dracula."

"I don't even know why you want to watch that stupid movie anyway. Wasn't the real deal enough for you?"

"Oh, that reminds me, Drac says hi."

Spike narrowed his eyes, "Did he happen to give you my eleven pounds? Blood welsher."

"Why didn't you show up to get your money back yourself?"

"Thought I'd stay out of Captain America's way. He came and visited me, ya know."

Buffy frowned, "When?"

Spike shrugged, "The day after Count Vlad," he spat the word, "showed up."

"Did he.I mean, was he.."

"Was he suspicious? No, didn't suspect a thing, Princess. Your dirty little secret is safe."

Buffy could tell that she just pissed him off. She sighed as she tried to think of a way to cheer him up. "We don't have to watch a movie," she offered.

"What do you want to do then?"

"Patrol? Get a spot of violence before bed?"

"I can think of other things we could do," he said with a predatory grin as his arms snaked around her.

"Oooh, like what?"

Spike brushed her hair away from her face and moved in to kiss her neck, but then he froze. "What's this?"

Oh. Shit. "I feel on a barbeque fork," she offered lamely.

"You let Dracula bite you," he said slowly.

"I didn't let him! He had me under a thrall."

Spike let go of her and step back. "You know what they call you around town? The Vampire Layer. You keep this shit up, and any vamp within 100 miles will think you're available," he said coldly.

Buffy gasped, "Spike. My mother invited him in, that's how he got into my bedroom. He had me under a thrall."

"You wanted to be bit, it wouldn't have worked otherwise."

"No, I didn't."

"Slayer, please. I'm not your stupid soldier; I know the deal. Now get out."

"Spike, please..we haven't spent any time together for like weeks!"

"And whose fault is that, Slayer? Not mine. I'm not doing anything but hanging around and waiting for you. You're the one who is always too busy for me."

Buffy watched him for several seconds. His feelings were hurt. She could tell that Dracula's bite was a very big deal. He usually avoided the scar Angel left at all costs, and while he never asked if he could bite her, he did vamp out occasionally during sex. But what could she do? It's not like she could explain away his bite to Riley. 'You could always break up with Riley,' a voice whispered. But could she really? Wouldn't that be admitting defeat, admitting that she was destined to be in relationships with dead men? She couldn't let her life come to that. That place is just too...dark. And wrong. Dracula's words rushed back to her and she took an involuntary step back, as though she was trying to get away from the unpleasant thoughts.

"I have to go," she muttered.

"Of course you do, Slayer." Sarcasm dripped from his words, and he turned his back to her. She felt the need to defend herself.

"My mom asked him to come home early and keep an eye on.

*** ".Dawn has almost completed her Master's degree," Buffy continued. "You would have been so proud of her. Between the scholarships and other financial aid, I could afford to send her to school in England. It was safer than UC Sunnydale, and she wanted to study theater so.."

Buffy paused her narration and sighed. Spike hadn't reacted to anything, not even to the stories about Dawn. They had been so close, and he missed a major part of her life, but he didn't even seem interested.

She decided to switch tactics. "Lorne told me about your soul. How did you get it, Spike?"

"Earned it."

Buffy beamed. He responded. He was talking to her. It wasn't much, but it was a start. "How?"

"I don't remember."

"What do you remember?"

"Vampires are dirty." There was no emotion in his voice when he said it, and she winced at how distant his eyes looked.

"Why does he keep saying that?" Angel asked from the doorway.

"I don't know."

"Buffy. Lies."

"I..Give me time to explain it Angel."

"You can't avoid it forever."

"I know." She glanced at Spike, "Do you want us to leave?"

"Yes."

"Fine. Come on Angel."

*** Spike closed his eyes as she left. He collapsed onto his chair and tilted his head back. She let that goddamned poser bite her. She forced Angel to bite her. But she would never let him get that close.

This sitting around, defenseless and lonely, was wearing on him. He was sick of playing by her rules..sick of Captain Cardboard strutting around like he owned the fucking place because he got to shag the Slayer and let the world know it. He was sick of being the vague, dirty secret in her life.

He knew what he was signing up for when they started sleeping together. But some nights he thought they were getting close, actually starting some form of relationship not based on desperate sex in the dark and secret places of the city. Then she would rip it out from under him. This time it was by letting Dracula bite her. Same shit, different day really.

He needed to get the chip out. That was just all there was to it. He was waiting around for crumbs and scraps, but she would never treat him like a man, and he was quickly losing self-respect and dignity.

He lit a cigarette and enjoyed the fragrant smoke that floated around his head. He fantasized alternately of shagging, fighting, and killing the Slayer. With a sigh of disgust, he realized that even in his killing fantasies, he never actually went through it. If he got the chip out, she would try to kill him. But at least if they were fighting again, she would recognize him as a worthy opponent, and no matter how briefly, she'd be forced to respect him again.

"Spikey? Blondie-bear?"

Spike jumped, he hadn't even heard her come in. "What are you doing here, Harmony?" He growled.

"Just letting you know that I'm back in town, and I have minions. And a plan. To kill the Slayer."

"Really? That's fascinating, pet, but you're stealing my song." He lit another cigarette, "Now get out before I throw you out."

"Fine, I didn't want to have sex anyway!"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Harm, wait a tic. You can stay."

"Goodie," she squealed, jumping on his lap.

"Harm, you want to help me get my.."

*** "..chip out?"

"Yeah."

"Wait, wait, wait. He teamed up with Harmony to get his chip out?"

"Yeah. Look, it wasn't exactly an example of Spike thinking clearly."

"Did he succeed?"

"No, but he nearly killed Riley in the process of trying. And he tried to."

"Tried to what?"

"Bite me."

Angel gaped, "As in, kill you? Or just mark you?"

Buffy shook her head sadly, "I still don't know to this day what his intentions were."

"And you didn't stake."

*** ".him?" Riley demanded.

"It all worked out in the end," Buffy said, then wish she hadn't said anything at all.

"He tried to kill me!"

"Not directly." Goddamnit, when would she learn to keep her mouth shut?

"Buffy, what the fuck is wrong with you? He almost got his chip out today, if it was gone, he would have killed you!"

"I know," she muttered. She didn't push him away, couldn't fight him off, because she was simply too shocked. She shouldn't have been fighting him in that tiny doctor's office, while her boyfriend's heart was about to give out. She shouldn't have been fighting him at all. He wasn't her enemy anymore. He betrayed Adam for her. He loved her, treated her like something unique and precious. Was she really so naïve that he tricked her into thinking that he loved her?

Buffy shook her head at her own stupidity. Maybe vampires could love, but they were still soulless. She never should have trusted him. And now she would have to dust him, though she literally shook at the thought.

"I'll go take care of it now," she said, "while the sun's up. He'll be asleep..not expecting it."

She left Riley without waiting for his response and walked blindly to the crypt. She prayed that he was alone, because she would die if Harmony was in his bed. How could he sleep with somebody else?

When she entered the crypt, he was alone. Not asleep. Waiting for her.

"You came sooner than I expected, luv," he said conversationally.

"You tried to bite me," she said numbly.

"Yeah, I sure did," he agreed, not a trace of regret or apology in his voice.

"Your chip.." Buffy closed her eyes. She didn't love him, couldn't love him, but all of a sudden she thought her heart was breaking. How could he do this to her? How could he make her kill her lover again? Didn't he care about her in the slightest?

He got up then, she didn't open her eyes but could sense him standing within touching distance. "Why?" She whispered.

"Buffy. Slayer, I can't live like this anymore." His voice was soft now.

"Like what?"

"Your leashed lapdog. You won't have me and nobody else wants me."

"So you decided to turn into a mad killer again?"

"Well, yeah."

"So you could tear me apart." It wasn't a question. She made him hate her so much that he wanted to kill her. Oh God.

"No, no Buffy. I don't.." Spike paused. Was he going to reassure her that he didn't want to kill her? Then what was up with trying to bite her? "I don't want you to die. I don't want to kill you." "I want to believe you, Spike. I really do. But this..Spike.." She had a choice then. Let the power of the Slayer fill her with icy resolve and finish the job, or break down and let him know exactly how much he had hurt her. He was always encouraging her to talk about her feelings, but she couldn't trust him anymore. This wasn't something you could just talk out.

"How could you be so selfish?" She finally asked.

"Me? You are the one sleeping with two guys right now, pulling us both by our short hairs, holding out a part of yourself until we're both helpless and begging." His words stung her deeply.

"You were going to make me kill you. How could you do that? Do you think I enjoy killing my lovers?"

"You knew the risk when you started shagging me, Slayer."

"Yeah," she said weakly, "I did. I was stupid. I thought I could trust you."

Those words effectively ripped out his heart. He couldn't keep up the Big Bad façade anymore, he couldn't act like he didn't care, like he wanted to hurt her. He was extremely angry when he decided to get the chip out, and he did something rash. Story of his life. But maybe he could fix this.

"Buffy, I'm sorry. I was angry, I wasn't thinking. I won't do this to you again."

"How do I know you're telling the truth?"

Spike shrugged, "You can't."

"I don't want to regret this, Spike. I don't want to regret being with you or letting you live."

"I understand."

"I..I need time to think. Just.stay away from me while I think about all of this."

"Ok." He could promise to leave her alone, but he wouldn't stop watching her. Had to have her back, after all.

"Goodbye Spike." She walked out and Spike was left by himself to curse his own stupidity and try to figure out what he could do to make it up to her.

Chapter 13

"Spike, we're going back to Sunnydale tonight," Buffy announced. She simply couldn't stay away from her obligations in Sunnydale another day. People depended on her, she had a job, and Dawn was visiting but she wouldn't be staying for long. Xander had called and sounded bewildered and frustrated and practically begged her to come home and help him.

He sighed, "I don't have a choice in the matter?"

"No."

"Oh."

Buffy walked around the room, straightening up. There was garbage and dirty mugs everywhere. Nobody had been very concerned with keeping the place straightened the past few days. Her number one concern was Spike and Angel had his own life to lead.

"So," she said, trying to start a conversation, "should I call you William."

"No. Why would you do that?"

"Well, I just thought since you have a soul.."

"I'm still Spike," he said harshly, "still a vampire."

"I know," she said quietly, "I was just trying to.."

"To what?"

"Talk to you! For Christ's sake, Spike! You used to talk constantly, I couldn't shut you up. Your favorite subject was yourself, and now I can't get you to string more than five words together."

"Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone. Bitch." He said, counting each word off his hand. "There's six."

Buffy didn't take his words personally. Once she had taken everything he said to heart, even if she tried to act like the words didn't affect her much. But she had heard worse, said worse, in the past ten years then he could ever dish out.

"Anyway, if we leave tonight you'll be able to see Dawn. She really is looking forward to seeing you again."

A slight smile touched his face and then disappeared. But Buffy saw it, and her heart soared. He still cared about them.

"Can I have a piece of paper?" Spike asked. "And a pen."

"Sure," she responded brightly, "I'll be right back."

When she returned, she handed the requested items to him with a smile. "So, do you still write..

*** ".poems?" She asked incredulously. "You were a poet?"

Spike mentally slapped himself for sharing that piece of information with her. Any second now she would start laughing at him, and he didn't know if he could take that. He missed her so much the past few weeks, and sitting across from her over a plate of hot-wings, he felt oddly vulnerable. She wanted to know about him, so he would be honest with her completely, for once, and tell her what she wanted to know.

"Yeah, what of it?"

"Can I read something?"

Spike narrowed his eyes and looked at her closely, trying to find mockery or insincerity on her face. But she looked like she was honestly curious about what he wrote. "Maybe. Anyway, William was a right git, and he thought he could read his poetry to the woman he loved and she would fall into his arms, declaring her undying love."

"And that's not what happened?" Buffy asked.

Spike snorted, "Of course not. The chit wasn't impressed with him at all." It was easier for Spike to talk as though William was a man, long dead, who didn't relive this pain. Buffy thought that the person died, that the demon who inhabited the body was completely separate. She assumed that William was not the man who sat before her, full of his own insecurity, and Spike chose to believe that as well. It was easier that way to push away the lingering pain, easier to be a swaggering, evil Big Bad who didn't have feelings. It was easier to simply distance himself from the events of that fateful night, and to let Buffy think the rejection and humiliation no longer stung him to his very core.

Easier all around.

"She told him that he was.." But Spike couldn't even the force the actual quote out of his mouth. "Not good enough. He left the party, angry and humiliated. Ran right out of her warm arms into the cold waiting arms of his fate." So much for the poet being dead, Spike thought wryly.

Spike left out all the things Drusilla said. Buffy wouldn't understand the comment about the burning baby fishes anyway. After spending a century with her, Spike had his suspicions about what she had been babbling about, but it wasn't anything he wanted to get into with the Slayer.

"So, you traded up the food chain. Then what?"

"No, please. Don't make it sound like something you'd flip past on the Discovery Channel. Becoming a vampire is a profound and powerful experience. I could feel this new strength coursing through me. Getting killed made me feel alive for the very first time. I was through living by society's rules. Decided to make a few of my own."

Buffy looked less than impressed and Spike sighed. He loved her, but sometimes she could be rather dense. "Angelus and Darla hated me. Made too much noise, I did. Angelus wasn't happy to just kill and feed, he had to stalk, torture, and torment. Called killing an art." Spike paused and studied her for a minute, "Death's your art too, isn't Slayer? You make it with your hands every day."

Buffy glared at him but didn't interrupt. "It was twenty years later that we went to China and I met my first..

*** ".Slayer!"

Buffy rolled her eyes, "Don't be such a big baby."

"Don't try to read stuff over my shoulder," he snapped. "It's none of your business."

"I just wanted to see what you were so intent on."

"If I wanted you to know, I would have told you myself."

"I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like I read your diary," she said sweetly.

Spike glared at her, "I apologized for that. And if you really must know, I'm writing to Angel."

"What about?"

"Goddamnit Slayer, go bother somebody else for awhile, ok?"

She frowned at his tone, "Look I'm sorry. I'll be back in a little while, sunset is in about two hours."

"Fine."

Spike stared intently at the paper, trying to decide if he really wanted to do this. Angel seemed happy with his lot in life. He was happiest tormented and brooding. Angel was the biggest masochist Spike had ever seen. He swore that Angel actually enjoyed the pain his soul brought him. But Spike also figured it was the right thing to do. Of course, there was the chance that if he did this, Buffy would stay there and live happily ever after. Not that Spike would care either way, of course.

With a sigh, Spike started writing before he could lose his nerve. Within an hour he had constructed a simple letter with instructions for Angel on how to get his very own, permanent soul. If the Poofter had half a brain he'd be on his way to Africa by the next night.

Buffy returned, as promised, when the hour was up. "Finished?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna get something to eat before we leave?"

"Sure."

Spike stood up on legs that were still slightly unsteady and followed her downstairs. Cordelia was placing two large mugs of blood on the table that was already set with two plates of spagetti. "I thought we could all eat dinner together before it was for you two to go.."

*** ".home," Buffy announced, turning on her heel and calmly walking away.

"Slayer, Buffy, wait up," Spike called after her, helplessly. He didn't mean to piss her off or upset her, but damnit, it wasn't his fault. She asked about it, she wanted to be told how he defeated the slayers. What was he supposed to do? Lie about it? She had a death wish, all slayers did. It wasn't any reason to get angry with him over.

Spike gathered up the money she had thrown at him before stalking off, tears of frustration gathering in his eyes. How dare she talk to him like that, treat him like that, after everything he had told her? Didn't she know that he had given her the story of his greatest loss and greatest success.didn't she understand that he had completely opened himself up to her?

Apparently not. Spike saw red as he furiously stomped to his crypt. He regretted that he didn't tear her throat out when he had the chance. God, the little bitch deserved it. He tried to think of away to vent his anger, but nothing came to mind. Even staking vampires didn't have any charm. He wanted to take his anger out on the person who caused it.

With a curse he turned back towards Buffy's house. If he couldn't harm her physically, he would be damned sure to make her cry. He knew enough of her secrets to cut her right to her core, to make her weep with pain and humiliation like he had.

He marched into her backyard, practicing the words he would fling at her like knives. He was so distracted by his own thoughts that at first he didn't notice her small, huddled form on the backporch. The sound of her muffled sob brought him short though.

"What do you want now?" She asked when she noticed him. He could see tears slowly streaming down her face, her eyes were large and wet.

"What's wrong?" Spike asked, sitting beside her. His anger was gone, washed away by her obvious pain. He put his arm around her and she instinctually leaned into him.

"It's my mom?"

"What's wrong with Joyce?"

Buffy shook her head, "They don't know. She's going in tomorrow for more tests."

Spike tightened his grip, "Your mum is going to be fine. She's a tough bird."

"But what if she's not? Spike I can't live without her."

Spike placed a small kiss on her head, and inhaled her rich scent. She smelt of power. She was lethal and dangerous. But she was curled against him like a kitten now, and she needed reassurance.

"She'll be fine," he whispered. She didn't respond, just savored the way he felt. She was pissed at him still, but she needed him too. She had hurt his feelings tonight, she knew she had, and she felt bad about that. She wanted to apologize, but in her current state, she couldn't find the words.

"Shhh," he said gently, "relax, pet."

He held her and eventually the tears dried. "I'm.

*** ".scared?" Buffy asked.

"Terrified."

"I know how to drive. You can relax."

"Who was crazy enough to teach you how to drive?"

Buffy shrugged, "Xander taught me. It just got to the point that I couldn't be without a license anymore."

Spike nodded, but didn't ask her to elaborate. They passed the next two hours in silence, both deep in their own thoughts. Buffy was trying to figure out how to fill in Spike about the details of her life, and Spike was trying to figure out how to avoid the Slayer as much as possible. Maybe he could hide in his old crypt?

When they finally pulled into Buffy's familiar driveway, Spike sighed with relief. She wasn't as bad as she used to be, but she still didn't understand the concept of speed limits.

They walked up to Buffy's door, and she paused before she opened it. "There's something you should know.I should have told you these things before we left, actually."

"What is it Slayer?"

Before she could answer the door flew open and a small girl threw herself at Buffy. "You're home," she said gleefully. She hugged Buffy tightly and Buffy returned the embrace with a smile. Finally they broke apart and the little girl looked up at Spike with large hazel eyes.

"Who is this?" She asked.

"This is Spike," Buffy said. "Spike, this is Joyce."

Chapter 14

Spike was flabbergasted. Buffy had a little girl? Buffy was a mother? That means there must be a father. Was Buffy married? Oh God, he couldn't even begin to think about that. Buffy couldn't be married. Could this really be her little girl?

"Go on upstairs and tell Aunt Dawn we're home," Buffy said gently, then led Spike into the house as the little girl half waddled, half crawled up the stairs. She noticed the shocked look on his face and smiled. "She's not mine, Spike."

"She's not?"

Buffy shook her head. "No, she's Willow and Tara's little girl."

"Where are the Witches?" Spike asked, relief pouring over him.

Buffy frowned and motioned for him to sit down on the couch. "They had Joyce four years ago. They were so happy, both of them were great parents. The named me legal guardian in case anything happened to them. It was really more of precaution than anything, nobody thought that I would outlive them."

"What happened?"

"Two years ago, they were both in a car accident." Buffy's throat constricted, "Willow died instantly, but Tara held on for a few more days. She was able to say goodbye to Joyce, begged me to take care of her."

Out of habit, Spike took Buffy's hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Anyway, I've had her for the past two years, and it's been so hard. But worth it. She reminds me so much of Willow and Tara, and she's so smart. We all do our best to take care of her. Me, Xander, Giles, Dawn when she's here."

"She's obviously very loved," Spike murmured.

Buffy smiled weakly, "I don't mean to get all watery on you. I'll go upstairs and make sure the guestroom is vamp-proof."

Spike didn't let go of her hand. Buffy sat back slightly. This was the Spike she remembered, caring and concerned about her. God she missed him so, so much. At first she didn't think she would survive without his support, but as when everybody else left, she carried on and did splendidly. She really didn't need Spike to live her life, but she would be lying if she said she didn't want him apart of it.

"I wanted a child for so long, you know? I never thought I'd be a mother. I actually thought I'd be a horrible mother."

"Why?" Spike asked.

Buffy snorted, "Why do you think? What if I got killed or seriously injured? Plus, sometimes I felt so hollow, like I couldn't love anybody..like I wouldn't be able to love a child, even if she was mine."

"But that's not the case."

"No," Buffy agreed, "it's not."

Spike couldn't respond because it sounded like a herd of elephants were stampeding down the stairs. Spike stood up as he saw Dawn carrying Joyce, hurrying down the stairs as fast as she dared. He couldn't believe his eyes. Dawn had grown into a beautiful young woman. Gone was the child he once knew, and in her place was a strong, competent woman with a winning smile and a proud posture.

"Spike," she greeted warmly, putting down the red-headed little girl. "I'm so happy your back."

Spike stood staring at her, unable to respond. He missed ten years of her life. Did he even know her anymore? She was no longer his little bit. He half expected her to be angry with him for leaving, but then he remembered that she wasn't a little girl anymore, feeling alone and half-abandoned. Spike did the only thing he could think to do. He held out his arms in a silent invitation.

Dawn paused for a second, then wrapped her arms around him. Spike sighed and hugged her back. He didn't know how he felt about Buffy. His emotions and logic were at war. It didn't help that he was only recently sane and hadn't quite got his bearings back. But he knew he still cared for his Bit.

"Where have you been?" She asked, finally stepping back.

"Crazy," Spike answered with a straight face.

"You never wrote," Dawn accused.

Spike shrugged, "Until five days ago, I didn't even know who I was."

Buffy nodded in agreement, "He was pretty out of it."

Joyce tugged and Buffy's pants and demanded that she be picked up. "I missed you, Aunt Buffy."

"You still have to go to bed," Buffy said. In response, Joyce stuck out her lip. "We'll go to the park tomorrow," Buffy promised, and that seemed to sooth the child before the torrent of tears could start.

"Spike, do you need anything?" Dawn asked.

He shook his head, "I just want to go to bed."

And like someone had flipped off a light, Spike was back to his quiet, morose self. Dawn sensed the change in him and looked to Buffy for help, but all she could do was shrug. "I'll take you upstairs," Dawn said.

Spike didn't expect to be led to Buffy's old room. "This is where you're staying," Dawn announced.

Spike frowned, but didn't answer. This room held many great memories, and some not-so-great memories. But all traces that this was once Buffy's room had been removed, and it really didn't even smell like her anymore.

"If you need anything, Buffy is sleeping in the master bedroom."

"What about you Bit?"

She shrugged, "I stay at a hotel when I'm in town. I love Joyce dearly, but sometimes it's nice to get away from her."

Spike nodded and began removing his boots. Dawn left the room, shutting the door behind her. Spike was thankful for that small amount of privacy. He had not counted on sharing a house with Buffy and a four year old girl. He frowned, maybe staying here really wasn't a good idea. He had his doubts before, but now he was really worried. He didn't know how long he would be lucid, and he felt all mixed up inside. What if he snapped and scared, or worse, hurt Joyce?

He'd talk to Buffy about it the next day. For now though, all he wanted to do was lose himself in dreams. In his dreams, everything was extremely simple and straightforward. There was no guilt gnawing away at him constantly, no resentment, jealously, angry, hatred, love, or confusion. It was just him, inside of Buffy, feeling her warm flesh and smelling the heady aroma her arousal and the tangy musk of her sweat and power pouring out of her skin. It was just the two of them and.

*** .words weren't needed, but that didn't make Spike shut-up. Buffy didn't mean hearing the murmured words of love and devotion though. They soothed her anger and calmed her, even as his touch soothed her feverish skin.

She lost herself in his arms, turning herself over to him completely. Had it been over a month since they had been together? So many things have happened, and she was already so tired. She needed this respite where she could just be a woman, held tenderly by her lover. In a few hours she would be the Slayer again, but in the meantime, she wanted to leave those problems behind her. She wanted to let Spike strip them away from her one by one, until it was just her laying beneath him quivering with longing, aching with desire.

When they were done, and Buffy lay quivering in his arms, she decided to confide in him. He was her confidant, after all.

"Dawn isn't real," she whispered.

"What?"

Buffy took a deep breath, "Dawn. She isn't real. She is some sort of mystical key..some monks turned the Key into a little girl and gave her to me, so I could take care of her. Just a couple of months ago."

"That's rot," Spike said, "I remember her since she was just a little girl."

Buffy shook her head, "The monks created memories for all of us."

Spike was silent for several minutes, finally he asked, "How do you know?"

"One of the monks told me. Apparently, it has something to do with Glory."

"Glory?"

"Kicked my ass a few nights ago. She's a Hellgod. She sent a snake thing the other night to try to track the Key. She's looking for Dawn, she doesn't know what form the key is in. We can't let anybody find out, Spike. Not even Dawn."

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Slayer?"

"I can't let other people know, Spike. It'll put her life in danger."

"Not other people. The bit will find out one way or the other. I think you should tell her."

"How?"

Spike shrugged, "I'm sure you'll think of something. Who else knows?"

"Giles."

"Shouldn't you tell your mum?"

"I don't know. I think she has enough to worry about."

"How is she?"

Buffy shook her head, "Not good. She's still in the hospital; she's scheduled for surgery soon. She asked them if she could go home between now and then. They'll let me know tomorrow."

"I'm here if you need..

*** ".anything?"

Spike growled in frustration. "I need you to stop asking that question!"

"Sorry, I just want to make sure you're comfortable." Buffy was getting really sick of apologizing to him. Fuck, why was she even helping him to begin with? He obviously didn't want anything to do with her. It's not like she didn't have enough to worry about without his whiny ass.

"Look, I'm fine. I'm not an invalid, if I need anything I can take care of myself." His tone wasn't as testy, but she could tell his patience was wearing thin. Well fuck it, so was hers.

"Like you've been doing for the past ten years?" She asked.

"I'm still here aren't I? Still fed myself and dressed myself. Trust me, Slayer, I can survive without you moddly-coddling me."

"You could at least show a little gratitude."

"For what? I didn't want you to bring me here."

"Will you keep your voice down? I just put Joyce to bed."

"I didn't want you to bring me here," Spike repeated, just above a whisper.

"What is wrong with you? Why do you hate me all of a sudden?"

"Buffy, do you have any idea what I'm going through? No, you don't. You don't even care, you're still a self-centered little cheer leader."

Buffy's eyes widened and she took another step into the room. "That is one hell of a thing for you to say to me, you bastard. You are most arrogant, self-centered person I have ever met. So, why don't you enlighten me?"

Spike glared at her, "Do you really want to know? I have the guilt of tens of thousands of murders. As if that wasn't enough, I still have the agony and pain of being in love with you. But oddly enough, I hate you too. Gee, I wonder why that can be?"

"I don't know, Spike, why don't you tell me?"

"I don't need to explain it to you, Slayer. You know exactly what you did, because it was exactly what you meant to do."

"And how is that any different from what you did to me?"

"Would you have preferred me to lie to you, Slayer? I did what I thought was right, for once in my life. Fat lot of good it did me."

"No, I didn't want you to lie to me, Spike. But I didn't mean to hurt you. I was angry, I wasn't thinking."

"Buffy, that excuse just isn't going to cut it with me. You said the things you knew would destroy me, and you did it on purpose. So yeah, I hate you. And I love you. And I'm so beneath you, all of you, that I can't stand it. So could you please just give me some time?"

"Spike, I want to help."

"It all hurts too much for that."

Buffy turned to leave, but before she did she looked over her shoulder. "You got your spark back, Spike. Maybe you're closer to help that you think you are."

Chapter 15

Spike didn't open his eyes immediately. He could sense someone in the room with him. Kneeling by the bed, as a matter of fact. He could hear a small heart, with a strong steady beat, and slightly uneven breathing close to his face. He knew he wasn't alone, but it was still a surprise when he opened his eyes and looked into a set of deep green ones.

"Good morning," Joyce greeted with a smile.

"What are you doing?" Spike asked slowly. He didn't know what to say to the kid. As a matter of fact, he wanted her to go away.

"Watching you sleep," she answered promptly, her smile never waverig.

Spike smiled tightly, "Well, why don't you toddle down and get breakfast."

"Can't."

"Why not?"

"Already ate breakfast."

Spike blinked. He couldn't argue with that. "Well, why don't you go watch telly?" He was eager to get her to go away. He wanted to eat before he had to deal with everybody. Or at least have a chance to wake up.

"Not allowed to."

"You aren't allowed to watch telly?" What the hell was wrong with Buffy?

"Buffy says it'll rot my brain."

"Yeah, well, Buffy would know about rotted brains, wouldn't she?" Spike sighed, "What do you want?"

"Just want to watch you."

Spike sighed again and ran his hands through his hair. For some reason, that made her giggle. "What's so funny?"

"Your hair looks like a rat's nest."

Spike grimaced and tried to smooth his hair. "Yeah, haven't brushed it for awhile. Should I cut it?"

She nodded, "I can do it for you." Despite himself, Spike smiled at the thought of the little girl attacking him with scissors. The smiled faded as he imagined her poking his eyes out, or otherwise maiming him. "Maybe when you're older."

"Ok," she said, then jumped on the bed. Spike froze.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm tired of standing."

"Why don't you run down stairs and see if Bufy has any blood in the fridge."

Joyce wrinkled her nose, "Why do you want blood. That's disgusting."

Spike wondered if the girl knew about vampires. She should, Buffy wouldn't be stupid enough to keep her sheltered from the things that went bump in the night. Wait, this was Buffy. Maybe she would.

"That's what I eat, ducks."

"Ewww, yuck! Why do you eat blood?" Disgust was warring with curiosity in her young mind, and for the short time, curiosity was winning.

Well, if she didn't know about vampires already, now was as good a time as ever. "Because I'm a vampire."

"Like the Count on Sesame Street?"

"Something like that, yeah."

"Vampires aren't real."

Spike's patience was wearing thin, and this was the final straw. She was old enough to know about what Aunt Buffy did in her spare time.

"Really? Then why do I have fangs?" He said as his face morphed. Almost instantly, she let out a head-splitting shriek.

"Buffy!" Spike was taken aback by the smell of fear radiating off her body, and his head was ringing with the sounds of her screams. Her face was covered in tears now, and she was desperately trying to get away, but she was tangled in the sheet. Spike was so rattled that he forgot to change back to his more charming, human visage.

"What's going on in here?" Buffy said, hurrying into the bedroom. As soon as she saw Joyce's tears, she scooped her up in her arms and pressed Joyce's head into her shoulder, shielding her from Spike. "What's wrong with you?" She demanded.

Spike looked confused, "I didn't do anything!"

"Spike, you scared her. Why did you vamp out?"

Spike allowed his face to change. "She said vamps don't exist."

"Why did you tell..

*** ".her?" Buffy demanded, her face flush with anger, but otherwise she seemed calm. Spike eyed her warily, looking for hidden stakes. "Are you mad at me? Do you hate me that much?"

"It had nothing to do with how much I currently hate you, Slayer."

"Then why did you tell her?"

"Because she knew something was wrong! You were scaring her, Buffy. You and the Watcher both, and she has the right to know."

"She's even more terrified now, Spike. She's freaking out. How could you do that?"

"How could you keep it from her? What's with you and living in denial, Slayer? Don't you know the truth will set you free?" Spike smirked.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You aren't here because of Dawn, Slayer. You knew she would find out sooner or later. You're relieved I told her, because it saved you the trouble."

"Enlighten me, Spike, why am I here?"

"You're here because you blame me for what happened with Captain America."

"Could you call him Riley? Just once?"

"No. And I see you aren't denying this fact."

"Why shouldn't I blame you, Spike? He'd still be here if it weren't for you!"

"And do you really want that?"

"Yes."

"Of course, because Riley made you so happy that you had to shag the undead. Come to think of his affinity towards my kind, maybe you two were meant for each other."

She was shaking with rage now. "How dare you even talk about it? You don't know anything about us."

"Oh, don't I? Iknow that you didn't love him. I know that he hated you for being the Slayer. I know that he can't handle you being stronger than him, emotionally and physically. I didn't destroy the relationship, he did."

Buffy shook her head, "If it wasn't for me cheating on him, he never would have went to the vamp hoes."

Spike roughly grabbed her and dragged her close to his body. His face was a mere inch from hers. "Yeah, maybe that's true. But what you two had was never real."

"What, and you think what we have is?"

"It's a hell of a lot more real than any other relationship you had."

Buffy pulled away from him, "I loved Angel."

Spike shrugged, "Past tense, Slayer. And he didn't stick around, did he?"

Buffy winced at the mention of her past failure. "That was my fault too."

"Goddamnit Slayer! What the fuck is wrong with you? It wasn't your fault that Angel is bloody stupid. He left you because he couldn't stand how strong you are. You didn't need him to coddle you, you needed him to stand by you. And he couldn't do it because his ego is too big."

"How dare you talk about him like that? What do you know?"

"I know him a hell of a lot better than you ever will, Slayer."

"You knew Angelus."

"No, I know Angel. The sooner you understand that they're not different, the better off you will be."

"I can't stay here," Buffy said, looking away. "I have to get back to the Magic Box."

"That's ok, Slayer. Run away when things get heavy. God forbid you actually have a conversation."

"I don't want to talk to you Spike."

"You better start talking to somebody, Buffy." Spike didn't sound angry, and Buffy knew this fight was over. For now.

He stopped her at the door, "You wanna go patrolling tonight?"

"Yeah, I'll see you after sundown."

"Buffy."

"What?" She asked, annoyance written plainly on her face.

"I'm..

*** ".sorry," Spike muttered. "I didn't mean to scare her. But why doesn't she know about vampires?"

"Because she's too young."

"When did you plan on telling her?"

"I don't know, Spike! But I didn't expect to have such a graphic demonstration."

"Well, maybe she shouldn't be creeping around my room while I'm asleep. Why weren't you watching her?" He managed to infuse his voice with the appropriate amount of anger and impatience.

"I'm sorry, your majesty. She won't bother you anymore."

"Good," he said when she slammed the door. When the door shut though, his anger dissipated, and he realized that he was incredibly lonely.

Chapter 16

The rain had been falling steadily for over two hours, blocking out the sun and turning the world into a dismal, gray place. Buffy had asked him not to leave his room; she didn't want him to upset little Joyce. Spike wanted to know why Joyce couldn't stay in her room, so he could at least watch some telly. She didn't even have any books for him to read to keep his mind occupied. He would have happily welcomed any distractions from thoughts of her.

But there was nothing, so memories and images surrounded him. Buffy slaying. Buffy underneath him. Buffy angry. Buffy smiling. Buffy stroking Dawn's hair in en effort to comfort both of them. Buffy in.

*** .Angel's arms. There she was, huddled against him, her face still wet with tears. Spike froze for a moment, then took slow, silent steps towards them so that he could be close enough to hear what they were saying.

Joyce's death hit him hard. He couldn't see Buffy the night Joyce had died, because she was surrounded by friends and family. In an effort to help, he went patrolling for her. He took out his rage and sadness on the unsuspecting demon population of Sunnydale. He worked tirelessly from dusk to dawn, and then stumbled home, barely beating the sun's rays before he collapsed in a weary heap in his crypt.

He couldn't attend the funeral, and that hurt. He liked Joyce, would go so far as to say he loved her like he had loved his own mum. She was a good lady. She was a Lady. He wanted to pay his respects to her, but decided it was better late than never. He thought by the time he made it to Joyce's grave, Buffy would be home with Dawn. He didn't expect her to keep a graveside vigil.

He certainly didn't expect her to keep a graveside vigil with Angel. He wasn't surprised Angel had come, but could you blame him for hoping that Buffy would allow him to comfort her? And maybe he could take comfort in her?

"I can stay in town as long as you want me," Angel offered, and Spike scowled. That was big of him, wasn't it? He could stick around if the heart broken girl needed him. He could be seen as the Big Hero, sacrificing his own precious time to make her feel better. It didn't matter to the Slayer that Spike would never make such an offer because Spike would never leave her in the first place. "How's forever? Does forever work for you?"

Oh. God. Spike didn't wait around to hear anymore. He just didn't need that on top of everything else. He turned quickly and melted into the shadows of the cemetery, dark and furious.

He didn't believe that Buffy loved him.yet. But he thought that given enough time, she would. Spike growled. Fuck this shit. He was the Big Bad, he didn't need to mourn over a woman, or mope over her daughter. He needed to kill something. He needed to tear off heads and rip out throats. He needed to wrap guts around necks. He needed a good brawl. Spike stormed into the night, looking for trouble, and maybe later, a stiff drink.

He did his best to quiet the small voice in the back of head, wailing in pain and anger. He could give her forever, if only she would let him.

*** "Buffy, can I have hotdogs for dinner?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because we had hot dogs for dinner last night," she explained patiently as she prepared the green salad.

"But I like hot dogs," she said, sticking her lower lip out. She was only seconds from stomping her foot.

"I know, Joyce, but you can't eat them every night."

The girl seemed to accept this, and ceased her chatting for several minutes. She stared moodily out the window, watching the water streaks slide down the glass. She seemed lost in her own thoughts, and Buffy left her to them as she continued to make dinner.

"Buffy?" She said presently.

"What, dear?"

"Spike is a vampire?"

"Yes."

"Why isn't he trying to kill us?"

Buffy blinked, and considered her answer. How many times had he threatened to rip her.

*** ".bloody throat out! That's what I should do," Spike muttered to himself as he kicked around the empty whiskey bottles littering the floor.

"Whose?" Buffy asked softly from the doorway.

Spike looked up and scowled at her, "What do you want?"

"I wanted to see you."

"Why? Has Angel left already? The Poofter didn't even have the manners to come and say goodbye."

"Yes."Buffy started.

"Slayer, go home to your kid sis," Spike interrupted. "She's going to need you."

"She wanted to stay with Willow and Tara," Buffy explained.

"Then go see the Witches," Spike turned his back to her and pretended to look for a bottle that wasn't so empty.

"I wanted..wanted to patrol."

"Don't worry about it. I took care of it. Go get some sleep," the words were kind, but his tone was not. It was clear that he wanted her to leave, but Buffy didn't want to go. She felt numb, and almost like she was dreaming. The world looked all wrong. The colors were bleeding into each other. Shapes lost definition. She seemed so distant from everything, and almost like she was drowning. She couldn't be by herself tonight, and she didn't know how to be with Dawn. She wasn't strong enough for both of them. Not tonight.

She didn't want to go home. She didn't want to be in the room where her mother died. She didn't want to smell the fading traces of her mother's shampoo and perfume. She didn't want to go into the kitchen where her mother would never cook another meal. She didn't want to be surrounded by memories and reminded of all that was lost. The only place that left was Spike. He could be her safe haven. He could take care of her tonight. And tomorrow she would take on the new role of mother, and she would be strong and face Glory.

"I want to be with you tonight," she finally admitted. She still had her pride though, and if he asked her to leave again, she would. Slayers were meant to be alone, after all, and she could survive. It would just hurt.

Spike turned around, and she finally a good look at his face. He had taken a pounding, and one of eyes was swollen shut. There was dry blood on the side of his face. His shirt was tattered. But under the physical wounds, she saw raw pain on his face that had nothing to do with a fight. She could see the war in his eyes, but she was confused by it. Why would he be angry with her?

She realized almost immediately why he was angry. It must have been Angel. She couldn't deal with Spike's hurt pride tonight, and she wouldn't fight with him over it. If he was going to make a deal out of it, she would just leave.

He looked at her for what seemed like hours. She stared back, her face void of emotion as she felt the exhaustion over take her. Without a word, Spike stepped across to her and took her in his arms, resting her head on his chest.

"Slayer, have you had a good cry?"

She shook her head.

"Come downstairs and I'll take care of you, luv."

She allowed Spike to lead her down to this bed, and allowed him to undress her. She may not want him, but she needed him. And no matter how angry he was at her, he could never..

*** ".hurt you," Buffy assured the child as she placed dinner in front of her.

"Why not?"

"There are a lot of reasons." Buffy paused, wondering how much she should tell the little girl. "Are you scared of him?"

"A little bit," she admitted.

"Would talking to him help? You could ask him questions."

Joyce hesitantly nodded, "But I don't want to go by myself."

"We'll go upstairs when you finish eating," Buffy promised.

Buffy watched Joyce eat, but ignored her own dinner. She hadn't been very hungry lately, and she couldn't sleep last night knowing Spike was in the next room. She felt an undeniable draw to him, and all she could think about was the ten wasted years. She had been lonely. It was hard enough to have a relationship with somebody when she was just the Slayer, introduce a small child, and the available, datable men pool shrunk considerably.

She went on a few dates, and dated one man for a whole year. But they were just making time, and neither one of them were ready for any real commitment. Shortly after they stopped dating, he got engaged to a nice girl from Texas. Good for him. She suspected that one of the reasons she was so worried about Spike was because she was excited to have somebody to talk to again. Dawn wasn't around much, and Xander had a life of his own.

"I'm done," Joyce announced.

Buffy inspected her plate, "You have salad left."

"I don't like green stuff."

Buffy sighed; Joyce didn't like the green stuff. "I'll let you get away with that tonight, but tomorrow you're eating all your vegetables."

"Why?"

"Because growing girls need their vegetables to grow big and strong."

"As strong as you?"

For an instant, Buffy imagined how horrible it would be if Joyce was called as a Slayer. "Yeah," she said softly, "like me."

Buffy picked her up and carried her upstairs. She knocked on the door, "Spike? Can we come in?"

Spike didn't answer immediately. "Sure," he finally said.

Buffy entered, balancing Joyce on her hip. "Joyce wants to talk to you," she explained.

Spike was sprawled on his bed, but he sat up and moved over to allow his guests to sit beside him. In truth, he wasn't averse to talking to them.

"Well?" Spike prompted.

"Can I see your Grrr face?" Joyce asked shyly. In that moment she looked and sounded so much like Willow that it made Buffy's heart ache. Spike looked affected too as he glanced up and caught Buffy's eyes.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

Buffy looked concern, "I don't want you to be frightened."

"I won't get scared," she promised.

Buffy sighed and nodded, and Spike shrugged. He let the bones of his face adjust and his fangs distend. He flashed his golden eyes at the silent girl, sitting rigid in Buffy's arms. She seemed both fascinated and horrified, and Buffy and Spike waited patiently for her ultimate reaction. Buffy was more apprehensive, terrified for the child. But Spike smiled, flashing his fangs. He could hear her heartbeat steadily. The girl was just taking a few moments to adjust, but she wasn't scared.

"Can I touch you?" She finally asked.

Spike obligingly leaned forward so she could reach him with her short arms, and she tentatively touched the ridges on his forehead, and then quickly pulled her hand away. She looked up at Buffy, as if expecting an explanation from her of some sort.

"I think it's time for your bath," Buffy said softly. She expected Joyce to resist, but she allowed herself to be led out of the room. Spike watched her go with interest. She was a brave child. Obviously had Willow's brains too. He wondered if she also had Willow's magic ability. If so, he hoped she took after Glinda the Good Witch. Spike knew that Willow never really understood that magic had consequences. Consequences that were far reaching, and that he was still feeling the effects of.

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