Chapter 7:

When Buffy woke, she looked at the clock. It was almost 6pm. She had slept the whole day. She guessed that Spike was right, the fall from heaven can be tiring. But now, she didn't feel any more rested. She wanted nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up. 'Why did they bring me back? I don't want this. I don't want the hellmouth and slaying. I was done. Why do I have to do this again? God, it's too much.' Buffy wept into her pillow. She sobbed for a while, only stopping when she heard the phone ring. She debated answering it. It was probably Willow calling about dinner. She didn't want to deal with them, but she knew if she didn't answer, they'd think something was wrong and come barreling back. She reached over and picked up the receiver.

"Hello?" Buffy braced herself for the inevitable cheerfulness.

"Buffy?" Giles. It was Giles. Buffy smiled sadly, knowing she should miss him.

"Giles? Hey.....guess who's back?" Buffy tried to make light, but she was internally torn up. She didn't want to have to deal with this. Giles was her Watcher. She was his Slayer. She didn't want to be a Slayer. She wanted to be gone.

"Oh, dear Lord, Buffy. I couldn't really believe it. When Willow called me, she said.....oh, Buffy, I don't know what to say. It's.....just so amazing."

"Yup, so I've been told a few dozen times." Buffy propped her head on her hand, wanting to not have to talk to people.

"Buffy, I'll be on the next plane back to Sunnydale. My god, I can't believe I'm going to see you again. Buffy, I missed you so much."

"Me too, Giles," Buffy lied. She wanted to feel it, but she couldn't. After Giles hung up, she just stared at the phone in her hand. When it started making annoying noices, she hung it up. Then she sighed and picked it up again. 'Better to let Willow down now then have them all parading over here.' Buffy called Willow and told her she was tired and wasn't hungry at all. Willow suggested they get together tomorrow. Buffy told her she'd call. She nodded off for another hour or so. When she came too, her head felt so heavy.

She climbed out of bed and went downstairs. She made her way into the kitchen. Not much food to be found. She really was hungry, but *so* not in the mood for people. Buffy trudged into the living room, stopping by the stairs to pick up Spike's duster that she had left on the banister. She smiled thinking about him. 'He really is a decent man. I never gave him much credit before.' Before.....she chuckled at how much he had changed. Before, she had to tell him to shut up all the time. Now he was so quiet, so reverent around her. The way he looked at her.....like he was in awe. It was a little uncomfortable, but better than the goofy grins her friends wore. Buffy frowned. 'Willow, with all her proud smugness. I bet they all just slap her on the back and tell her what a great job she did. Yeah, really great, pulling someone out of heaven is quite a feat. Maybe you can bring back my mom as a party trick!' Buffy took a deep breath and tried to remember what Spike had told her. They were only trying to do good, thought they were helping her. Buffy slipped on the duster and pulled it tight around her. She pulled up the collar to her face and breathed in the scent. 'Hmm, Spike stopped smoking. Have to ask him about that later.' To be sure, Buffy patted the pockets for smokes. She came up with a stake, a deck of cards, a pocket knife, and a little black book. 'Oh, let's see who Spike deems date-worthy. I didn't even know vamps kept little black books!' Buffy grinned as she sat down on the couch. She flipped through the book and realized it wasn't an address book at all. It was a small journal. Buffy felt a bit guilty at having it, but curiosity got the best of her. 'Spike's a journal guy. Interesting. Let's see what deep thoughts he has.'

-- 5-24-01 'Why do I do it? Why the hell do I stay here? She's gone. My whole reason for being is gone, so why am I still here? The pain is more than I can bear. I knew she'd never love me, but I never thought she'd leave. I always thought that if she were here, I could hold out some delusional hope. But now-'

The rest of the line was smudged and unreadable. It looked like dried water. 'Rain? Oh....not rain.' Buffy sighed. She couldn't understand Spike's emotions for her, but she suddenly became very sad for him. He had meant so little to her before she died, and she had meant so much to him. She flipped through the little book a few pages.

5-31-03 'I've had enough. Tomorrow I'm going to bloody do it. Sod the Scoobies, they can go to hell. Xander, at any rate. He had the gall to tell me they didn't need me. That's fine. Patrol on your own, bloody wanker! Why the hell do I care if they need me? I certainly don't need them. And Buffy can't blame me for not looking after them anymore. They don't want me to. Fine, good. I don't care. I'm sorry, Buffy. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry I won't be able to keep my promise to you. But wherever the hell I end up, I'm sure I won't see you around, so you can't give me a hard time anymore. Not like you do now, in my dreams. Luv, all I do now is sleep, because I know I'll get to see you. And it kills me every time, because I wake knowing it's not really you. I can't take it anymore. I'm done here. I've done what I can, please don't ask anything more of me.'

6-1-03 'Well, waited for the sunrise this morning and was determined to greet it. But the strangest thing happened. Bright and early, Tara came knocking at my door. She said she'd had a dream that I was hurt. She came to check on me. Sometimes I wonder about her. She's got this thing, it's more than just being a witch. I've known plenty of witches that weren't this intuitive. I told her I was fine, so she could shove off, but she wouldn't go. She just kept talking to me about inconsequential crap. I've never known that bird to prattle on so much. Finally she just came out with it and said that they needed me, the Scoobies. She said that Xander was still hurting from losing you and that he was lashing out at an easy target. She didn't say that she knew what I was planning, but she did say it'd be a shame if I were to leave them. Then she smiled that real coy smile of hers and said she was thinking about hanging out with me until nightfall, because she liked the 'ambience' of my crypt. Silly bint, I know she knew what was up. Then she said something that made me want to bash her teeth in. 'You said Buffy asked you to take care of us. I bet she'd be really disappointed if you.....left.' I wanted to snap her head off and toss it out the door. Throwing what you said back at me. But I just gritted my teeth and told her that she didn't have to worry about me going anywhere. And she knew it was true, because she finally left. And I went to sleep. Besides when I get to kill something on patrol, sleeping is my favorite thing anymore. I'm such a wanker. And a coward. And a whipped dog. Fine, you win, Slayer. I stay. I take care of the Scoobies and try to pretend that it's more to keep my promise than to have a link to you.'

6-5-01 'Same song, different day. Got drunk at Willey's, picked a fight with some big fucker. But then the tune changed. It was a human. Huge bloke with about a half dozen friends. Was ready to split, cuz my head was already throbbing from some some low-grade bourbon Willey served up. But then the guy slugs me. So, of course, I slug him back on instinct. Then I curse myself a wanker and brace for the pain. But it doesn't come. So I take out one of his mates with a roundhouse. Still no pain. Then the rest go down, no problem. The big fucker crawls out the door. Crawls! I don't know what happened to the rest, because I was too bleedin' confused and amazed and thrilled. I'm a vampire again! No leashes, no restraints! I don't even bloody care how it happened! Look out, here comes Spike!'

**

Chapter 8:

** Lyrics by James Marsters

Buffy dropped the book on the ground as she gasped out loud. 'The chip. Spike's chip isn't working!' Buffy left the book where it lay and yanked on her shoes. She grabbed a stake and flew out the door, not even bothering to lock it.

The sprint to the cemetery wasn't too bad, her injuries only slowing her up a bit. As his crypt came into view, she slowed her pace. She didn't know what she was doing, she just knew she had to do *some*thing. The Slayer instinct kicking in again. The Slayer that she didn't want to be anymore. Why should she have to do anything? Why couldn't she just pretend she hadn't read that? Why couldn't she just go visit him like they were old friends, instead of heading in to stake the only person she didn't cringe at the thought of being around?

When she reached the crypt, she realized she was still wearing Spike's duster. She pulled it tight around her again and stood in front of his door, unsure of what she should do. Just then she heard it. Soft, soft strains of music from inside. A guitar. 'Spike can't play the guitar.' Then singing. His voice sounded so sad. She sat against the crypt wall and listened.
Bright diamond eyes with daggers beneath them

She carries the chains of a million decisions

That weren't even hers to begin with anyway

But she carries them all

All the people around her

Never even notice that she's very, very tired
She's an angel

But she can't see it

She's got wings

But she can't feel 'em

She's an angel

But she can't see it

But she's rising above me every day

Everyday of my life

Buffy couldn't hold her tears back. Where did he find a song that so perfectly fit how she was feeling? Chains of a million decisions. No one noticing she's tired. Everything fit except the angel part. She didn't feel very angelic at the moment. Buffy's head sunk into her hands as she cried. After a moment, the music stopped, but she didn't notice. The crypt door opened slowly, and he stood silently by. She finally noticed him and looked up. He had been crying too. He sat next to her without a word, leaning against the crypt. They both sighed heavily.

"What brings you out, love?" Spike spoke without looking at her.

Buffy looked up at the sky. "Oh, it looked like a lovely night to kill something."

Spike cocked his head at her with furrowed brow. "You really think you're up to patrolling already? Pet, take some time off. You need to rest. Get your strength up. More important things than slaying, you know. I've got the patrolling covered."

Buffy chuckled sadly. "More important things than being the Slayer? What could that be?"

Spike sighed, trying to figure out her mood and how best to approach it. Women were difficult to read, but Buffy had always been an enigma to him. But she switched gears on him again.

"That song. It was nice. Who sings it?"

Spike smiled. "I do, pet."

She gave him a 'duh' look. "Yeah, I *heard*. But I mean, who sings it for real? Who wrote it?"

Spike leaned his head back against the crypt, looking at the stars. "No one. And me."

Buffy looked at him, doubting. "You wrote it? You told me your poetry was 'bloody awful.' And that's all a song is, poetry with music. That was...amazing. When did you write it?"

Spike still didn't look at her. "Today, mostly. Didn't feel like sleeping much. It sort of just came to me."

"That song. The words..they're...not about me, are they?"

Spike gave a rueful smile, feeling déjà vu. He knew he shouldn't be a fool again, but how could he be anything but honest with her?

"Every syllable." Spike gave a quick glance to see her reaction, but her face showed no expression. 'Well, it could have been worse.'

"Oh...I'm not an angel, you know."

Spike smiled at her. "Yes, you are. You always have been, but now you've been to heaven. That just makes it official."

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you sing it again for me?" Buffy asked shyly.

Spike swallowed hard. "Uh, I don't know, pet. I mean, it's not very good. And I don't do well with an audience." Spike was trying to cover for the fact that he was pretty sure if he sang it to her, he'd not be able to stay composed.

"Please? It's so nice, and no one's ever written anything for me." Her voice was a whisper, and Spike knew he was sunk.

"Ok, pet. Just hold on a minute. I need to make my place presentable." Spike jumped up and went into the crypt.

Buffy sat outside, enjoying the fresh night air. It was the one part of slaying she didn't mind. The air was always so quiet and calm at night, especially in a graveyard. Well, at least when all the baddies had been dispatched. Spike appeared again, offering his hand to help her up. She took it and smiled.

"Still wearing the duster, pet? You like it so much, maybe I'll get you one your size."

"Oh yeah, I was bringing it back to you." Buffy started to take it off, but Spike stopped her.

"No, you keep it for now. It's kind of chilly tonight, you need it more than I do."

Buffy was secretly grateful, because she didn't want to give it back. She liked the way the leather swallowed her whole. She could get lost in it. Spike let her enter the crypt first, and she gasped. He had lit all the candles he owned. The room was aglow with softness. Buffy turned to him and couldn't hold her tears in. She grabbed him in a hug that surprised them both. She quickly released him, and he stood there, still stunned, for a moment.

"Thank you. This is...oh, god." Buffy began sobbing.

Spike felt as if he had made a huge mistake. 'Stupid git, what were you thinking? Make her remember the wonderful place she was in? Yeah, bloody brilliant, until she remembers she's not there anymore.' "Oh, Buffy, I'm sorry. I just thought...it was stupid, I'm so sorry." Spike started blowing out the candles, but Buffy reached out for his arm. He turned to see her smiling through her tears.

"Please, don't. This is wonderful. Will you just play your song for me?"

Spike nodded and led her to a lazy chair. "*Your* song, pet."

She smiled and said, "Can I get that in writing?" Just then she remembered the journal. The chip. Spike was free to kill...and write love songs for someone who couldn't love. She couldn't reconcile the two just then, so she decided to put it aside. Deal with it later. Tonight she wanted to sit in the soft glow of light and love, hoping something would rub off on her. Spike could love so strongly, and he was a soulless demon. She was a human Slayer who couldn't love at all.

Spike impressed himself by completing the song without a breakdown. Buffy only lost a few tears. Spike sighed deeply as he put down his guitar, watching Buffy gaze off somewhere unknown.

Without warning, she began talking. "You know why I like this coat?"

Spike smiled sweetly, though she never saw as she was still staring distantly. "Why is that, pet?"

"Because..before I jumped..you were there. Do you remember? I hugged you."

Spike felt his heart in his throat at the memory. He whispered, "I remember, luv."

"And I remember burying my face in your duster. I remember how it smelled, how it felt on my skin. The leather, the roughness, the little creaky sounds it made. And that's the last time I remember feeling happy. Truly and deeply happy. Because I was confident in what I was doing. I was ready to do it, ready to let it all go. I felt safe in your arms, because I felt safe in my decision. I didn't have any fear or doubt about anything. I felt so complete, right at that moment. And the jacket reminds me of that. The feeling...it comes back when I touch this jacket and...and when I'm around you. I can't really explain it."

Spike stood up and walked to Buffy. He kneeled in front of her. "You don't have to explain anything, Buffy. Everything that's happened to you defies explanation. You keep that old duster as long as you need to. Looks better on you anyway. And you should know by now you're always welcome here. If there's anything I can do to...I don't know, help you with whatever you're going through...I know I haven't experienced what you have. I came back from the dead, but I don't remember being dead. And well, I guess I'm still dead. So, yeah, I guess I'm the perfect guy to reminisce being dead with. And I never thought I'd see heaven either. But you've given it to me."

Buffy looked at him oddly. "How?"

"Just being here, pet. Just you being here, alive. It's the only vision of heaven that ever mattered to me." Spike was looking so intensely at Buffy, she thought he might bore a hole into her with his gaze.

Buffy stood up, and Spike followed suit. "I better go now. Get to bed. I've been asleep all day, but I'm still tired. I don't know why. I'm just so tired."

Spike walked Buffy out the door and said, "I know, pet. I know."

She turned as she went, looking at him one last time. "You really do, don't you?"

Spike nodded mutely as she walked away. Their mutual exhaustion transcended sleep. Spike wondered if they would ever feel awake again.

**

Chapter 9:

Spike watched her as she left him, her moonlit hair bouncing over his black duster. His heart sank thinking about how unhappy she was. He figured he should follow her home, make sure she made it safe. She didn't seem like she was too keen or focused right now. 'Just hang back a little, won't do any harm.' So Spike followed her home. Watched her amble slowly down the streets. Wondered what she was thinking. Her mind was elsewhere, that much was obvious. In the cemetery, a fledgling vamp got within 10 yards of her and she never even noticed. Spike quietly dusted him with a stake through the back, wondering if he should try to get Buffy to pay more attention. But he decided he'd just let her walk. He'd be her protector tonight, and for as long as she needed.

Buffy knew Spike was following her. But it gave her less of a stalker feeling than it did before she died. It made her feel safe. He wasn't as stealthy as he thought he was, especially when he killed the other vampire that had noticed her meandering through the graveyard. She heard him chuckle quietly and say "wanker" after the vamp dusted. She couldn't help but smile. Buffy had noticed the vamp too, but she knew Spike had her back. And she didn't feel like killing, not tonight. She was still feeling wrapped up in peace and love, and she knew it would be fleeting. She didn't want any violence tonight. Let Spike play the hero, she was tired of it.

As she approached her front porch, Spike slipped in behind his favorite Buffy-watching tree. He heard her unlock the door and open it. Before it shut, he heard a quiet, "Good night, Spike." Spike chuckled and shook his head. Either he wasn't as good as he thought he was, or she wasn't as off her game as he thought she was. He headed back to his crypt feeling more upbeat than he had in months. 'Maybe she's going to be ok, after all.'

Buffy sighed as she walked into the living room. She saw the journal lying in the floor where she had tossed it in her desperate hurry to go...do what? Kill Spike? She didn't even feel like confronting him about it. She didn't want to think about the possibility that after Spike followed her home he went lurking in alleys to lure someone into being his dinner. 'No! Just stop it. Don't be the Slayer right now. Just be Buffy. Just a regular girl who visited a very nice friend.' Buffy knelt down and picked up the book. She considered reading further, but she wasn't sure she wanted to know what was in there. It was either Spike telling of his new killing spree, or more of him being torn up about her death. Neither of which she was in the mood for. She slipped the book back into the duster pocket and sat on the couch.

Buffy decided she should see if she missed anything while she was so busy experiencing indescribable bliss. She turned on the tv and flipped through the channels. Infomercials, televangelists, all night news...nope, she hadn't missed a thing. At least her friends had been considerate enough to pay her cable bill while she was dead. But they were always planning for her return. 'Probably before I was even in heaven, they were getting ready to yank me out.' Buffy tried to not think so negatively, she really did. But it was nearly impossible. She also tried not to think about being in such a happy, peaceful place. Instead, she tried to focus on what good she had known before she died. "Hmm..Dad left, Angel left, Riley left, Mom left. Now Giles is gone. All the good things in my life left me. Except my friends, they never left. But they wouldn't let me stay gone either. Now I can understand why everyone leaves this place. Or do they just leave me?' Buffy sighed and stretched out on the couch. 'Too much to think about. Just deal with it later. Deal with it all later.'

Buffy woke to the sound of the front door opening. She sat up with a slightly foggy head.

"Buffy? Hey! We just thought we'd come over and see how you were doing. I know you said you'd call us, but we've been kind of worried." Willow was giving a cautious smile.

Buffy smiled back. "No, it's ok, Will. I'm fine. I'm going to go shower. Then maybe we can go to the Magic Box? You guys can catch me up on all the goings on since I've been...gone."

Willow smiled brightly. "Yeah! That's a great idea. It's about 9, we'll grab some donuts on the way over."

"Sounds great. I'll be down in a few minutes." Buffy trudged up the stairs. She was going to have to make an effort. Maybe if she initiated some contact, they would get off her back. She could buy herself some alone time.

She was greeted with hugs all around when she arrived. Xander had taken a few hours off from work again once he heard Buffy was getting out and about. They all sat around the table talking about the latest Scooby news. All except for Anya, who continued with the business of making money. It seems that Giles had left only two weeks ago, and since then Tara had been working part time at the shop to help out. She and Willow were taking some summer classes at UC Sunnydale. Willow had the smarty-pants scholarships, so she didn't have to worry about working. Buffy could tell that there was a little tension with Willow and Tara over that topic, and possibly other things, but she didn't push it. Xander was doing well in his construction work. He had just begun telling her an incredibly boring story about one of his crewmen when she saw him look past her. His eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched. Buffy turned to see what he was looking at. Spike. Buffy couldn't help but smile, and Spike noticed her just as she did. She stood up and started walking toward him, but Xander brushed passed her.

"Hey, Evil Dead, I thought I told you you can't just drop in here whenever you want. I'm boarding up that entrance in the basement tonight. Anya doesn't like you here, and you know it!"

Anya jumped between the two. "I *said* I didn't like him here when he was drunk and just trying to steal things." Spike looked a little sheepish. "But, since he doesn't look drunk this time, and I'm assuming he has money.." Anya raised her eyebrows at him. Spike held up two twenty dollar bills. "Then I don't have a problem with sober paying customers! What can I get ya, Spike?"

"Uh, just some burber weed. And some more of those little tealights, if you got 'em." Spike looked up at Buffy and she was blushing. He smiled at her like she was the most wonderful thing in the world. He was shaken out of his momentary bliss when Xander shoved him.

"Hey, don't even think about it. Just because she's back and she was insane enough to let you stay with her the other night doesn't mean you can go back to your sick, twisted Buffy fetish." Xander had him by the lapels of his button up shirt and was right in his face.

Buffy could see Spike's jaw working overtime. His fists were clenching and unclenching. She thought momentarily that she should stop Spike before he decked Xander, but she really didn't want to. She felt bad for thinking it, but she wasn't very concerned about Xander's feelings right now. Then she realized that Xander didn't know about the chip. He couldn't, or he would never do this to Spike. 'Oh, Xan, you're gonna find out in a big way in a couple of seconds.' But Spike never moved. He stood there for Xander's whole tirade and never did a thing against him. Finally, Tara moved in to break up the men, and Xander just walked back to the table shaking his head.

Buffy saw a little tremor move through Spike, but then he calmed himself down and turned to the counter. He paid for his things and headed to the basement. Buffy caught up with him before he reached the door.

"What was that? You never take Xander's crap like that. Things really have changed."

Spike furrowed his brow, "What would you have me do, luv?"

Buffy was confused. Why wasn't Spike knocking Xander across the room? "Well, I don't know. You usually have *some* rude remark for him."

"Look, you just got back from the beyond, I didn't think you needed a big argument at this point. Because I'd argue with Xander, the witches would try to calm everyone down, Xander would argue with them, and Anya would yell at us all for disrupting her business. Trust me, it's been a staple of Scooby life since you've been gone."

"Oh, so you're a Scooby now? Things really *do* change!" Buffy gave him a teasing smile.

"NO, I am most certainly *not* a Scooby, I just meant...ah, bugger. I'm going home."

Buffy put her hand on his arm. "You up for patrolling tonight?"

Spike gave her a grin, "I am if you are, but like I said, don't rush anything."

"I won't," Buffy smiled, sincerely hoping she wasn't.

Chapter 10:

Buffy spent the rest of the day at the Magic Box, trying to exude normalcy. She smiled at all the right times, pretended she was interested in Willow and Tara's stories about the coven they wanted to join, laughed at all of Xander's stupid jokes. She even offered to help Anya at the register at a particularly busy point in the day. She welcomed the rest from trying to convince her friends she was happy. At least the customers knew that fake happiness was a part of customer service, so she didn't have to try so hard not to hurt their feelings. She just kept a smile on her face while ringing up purchases. She even survived lunch and dinner with the gang. By the end of the day, her head was aching as much as her face was from smiling.

Anya began closing up around 8pm. Buffy sighed in relief that she would be able to leave.

"Well, guys, I'm going to head out. I told Spike we could do some patrolling."

Xander frowned, "Buff, maybe that's not such a good idea. I mean, you just got back. You don't need to deal with obsess-o boy again."

Buffy closed her eyes. "Xander, Spike is my friend, ok? You're going to have to deal with it. Please stop fighting with him, I really don't need this now."

Xander hung his head, "Sorry, Buffy. I just don't want...ah, you're right. I'm sure it's fine. You can take care of yourself."

Buffy told everyone goodbye and left quickly. She felt this relief wash over her as soon as she shut the door.

"Looks like we have the makings of a dark and stormy night, luv." Buffy jumped at his voice, then turned fast. She slugged him in the arm.

"Oww! I see being out of commission hasn't diminished your strength!" Spike gave her a cocky grin.

"God, you're awful! Don't you know better than to sneak up on people?"

"Uh, no, not really. It's kind of a vampire thing. Cuz when you just walk up to people and ask if you can bite them, they usually say 'no'." Buffy shuddered a bit at this.

"What are you doing here anyway?"

"Well, you said you wanted to patrol. I figured I'd just walk you to the cemetery. Ya know, make sure there's no big bads around. Well, except for yours truly."

Buffy started walking, Spike by her side. "You're kind of making a habit of that, aren't you? Look, next time you want to walk me home, just say so. No need in trying to be all sneaky, which you suck at, by the way."

Spike gave her a look of mock hurt, "I do *not* suck. Well, I *do*, being a vampire and all." Spike noticed Buffy cringe a bit at this. He wasn't sure what to make of it, but he continued. "I am very stealthy, I'll have you know. *You* were the one out in la-la land, letting vamps get close."

Buffy laughed, "Yeah, you were so stealthy. It's very discrete to mock your victims after you dust them."

"Oh, that's a little trick I picked up from *you.* You're the queen of ridiculing demons while you're killing them!"

"I do not! I just make observations from time to time."

"Uh huh." Spike saw her smiling from the corner of his eye.

When they made it to the cemetery, it didn't take long to spy a new vamp rising. "You want this one, pet?"

Buffy shook her head. "Nah, you go ahead. I'll get the next one." Spike shrugged and staked the vamp before he was halfway out of the ground.

After an hour, Spike's tally was five vamps and Buffy had none. After the first two, Spike didn't bother asking her. He could tell she wasn't up for it.

"So what's up, pet? It was your idea to go patrolling, and now you don't seem like you're in the mood."

Buffy stopped and sat on a headstone. "I don't know. I just don't feel like...slaying. I was kind of just hoping we could talk. Hoping the baddies would stay away tonight."

Spike cocked his head to the side. "Why didn't you just say so? We can just go talk, if you want. You want to keep patrolling, or maybe go back to my place?"

"Well, I'd love to just sit out here for a while. It really does look like it might rain though."

"Ok, pet, let's just sit here until the rain drives us in." They sat next to each other against a large headstone. "So, what's on your mind?"

Buffy recounted the day, complete with fake happiness. She also told him of her fears about losing emotion.

"I'm just so afraid that it'll be like this forever. That I'll never get those old feelings back. I just feel like I'm not even friends with my friends anymore. And that makes me feel guilty because I know they love me, I really do. But I just can't be around them for too long. It's like they all expect me to be the old Buffy again, but I'm not. And I don't know if I ever will be."

"Pet, you *are* different. And you may never be the same again. And maybe that's not a bad thing. I think the friends thing will work out. You Scoobies always work that stuff out. But it's gonna take time. It's silly of them to think that you're going to be 100% normal so soon after that. And I'm not sure you doing the fake thing with them is going to help."

"But they expect me to be happy. They think I was in hell! Of course I should be happier here. But I can't tell them where I really was."

"Why not, again?"

Buffy sighed, "Because it would hurt them."

"But if you aren't really feeling those kind of emotions right now, what do you care if they get hurt?"

Buffy pondered this for a moment. "I don't know. I just know I don't want to hurt them. They're my friends, even if I don't feel very friendly to them right now."

"Pet, way I see it is, you *do* have those feelings for them. All the old feelings are still there. They're just buried under your frustration and anger over being back."

"But my mom. I can't even remember loving my mom." Buffy began to cry. Spike put a tentative arm around her. She nestled her head into his chest.

"You love your mum, I've no doubt about it. But luv, you just came back from the dead. You can't expect everything to be the same within you. All those feelings you're scared of losing are there, they're just not...accessible right now. It's like they're behind a wall or something." Buffy looked up at him and chuckled through her tears. A wall. It was exactly what she had thought before. "Maybe there's this theoretical 'wall' around your heart, and you just have to break through. But I don't think it's something you can force. Just like the other things in your life, it's going to take time to get back to normal. But I have no doubt you will. If anyone can, it's you, Slayer."

Buffy sat up and wiped her eyes. "Don't call me that. Just call me Buffy, please."

Spike looked confused at her, but acquiesced. "Ok, Buffy." Just then the rain started and they both sprinted toward Spike's crypt.

Once they were safely inside, Buffy sat in Spike's lazy chair. There were already candles lit, as there often were in Spike's crypt. He lit a few more.

"Didn't you used to have a tv?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah, it's downstairs. I fixed it up down there, it's pretty nice."

"Can I see?"

"Sure, pet." Spike led her to the ladder and jumped down. He steadied her as she climbed down, and led her to a small love seat situated in front of the television. "So, whaddya fancy? Don't have many channels, and with it raining, I'm afraid the reception will be crap."

"It doesn't matter," Buffy said as she stretched and yawned. Spike knew she was very close to sleep.

By the time he had made the circuit of the 7 channels he got, she was out. He smiled as he picked her up. He carried her gently to his bed and laid her down. He took off her shoes and covered her up. He was trying to decide what to do with himself when he heard her say sleepily, "Spike? Don't leave, ok? If I wake up here, I'll probably freak out if you're gone."

Spike smiled at her, "I won't leave, pet. Promise." He walked back to the love seat and laid across it. It was uncomfortable, but at least it gave him a good vantage point to watch Buffy sleeping. He wanted to crawl in bed beside her and wrap her up in his arms. But he knew not to push it. He knew they were closer now than they had ever been, and he wasn't about to get greedy.

Chapter 11:

Spike had spent most of the night watching Buffy sleep. Listening to her shallow breath, her steady heartbeat. He resisted the urge several times to comfort her when she whimpered. He wanted so much to rescue her from her bad dreams, but he knew he couldn't. He mostly wanted to rescue her from her current bad dream called life. He could tell she was so miserable, but he didn't know what he could do for her. He just decided to be there for her, no matter what she needed. A patrol partner, a sympathetic ear, a punching bag if need be. This was his Buffy and he wasn't about to do anything to make her more unhappy. He wasn't going to force her to be cheerful like her friends did. He wasn't going to try to remind her of all the happy times she had before she died. It wasn't his place. His place was beside her, in whatever capacity she needed him. And she did need him, he could tell. That thought alone would sustain him for another 100 years. She might not need him like he needed her, but it was a start. They were friends, and he'd never had a friend. Dru, Darla, and Angel were never his friends. Only his lover and sires. When he was human, he only had casual social acquaintances. Even at university, he was never able to connect to anyone. He was off in his own little world of romance and poetry. And on the rare occasion he tried to let someone in, they never wanted it. Only his mother had ever been truly loving and supportive of him She was the only other person to need him. He thought Dru couldn't live without him, but he was proven wrong. But now there was Buffy. She needed him. She needed to confide in him. She needed him to make herself feel better. He wasn't sure how he had gotten so lucky. First she comes back from the dead, and then she really, truly needs him.

Spike was broken out of his reverie by sobbing. He jumped up and was at the bed in an instant. He shook Buffy gently. "Luv, come on, luv. It's only a dream. Wake up, Buffy." Slowly Buffy's crying stopped and her breathing slowed.

"Spike? It's so dark. I can't see you."

"Oh, sorry, pet. I forget that not everyone has vamp vision. Hang on." Spike proceeded to light a few candles, just enough to let Buffy get a feel of where she was again. "You've been having bad dreams all night, luv."

Buffy nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Yeah, I have ever since I got back. Some worse than others. I can never wake up from them. They always play themselves out."

"What kind of dreams?"

Buffy shrugged. "I can't always remember them. I just know I'm always so alone. And it's not like the feeling goes away when I wake up..They don't want me, Spike. My friends, they don't want me here. They want the old me. Hell, *I* want the old me. I just feel like they did this thing, they brought me back, and now they've abandoned me. Like they're just politely waiting for me to 'get back to normal' or something. But inside I feel so alone, so I try to act normal so maybe they'll want me. Or, so maybe I'll want them. Because I don't, not right now. I don't want them, and they don't want me. And I don't know how to live like this."

Spike sighed, taking the risk of gently brushing away a stray tear that fell down Buffy's cheek. "Pet, like I said, it's all going to take time. And to be honest, they haven't abandoned you. You've shut them out from the truth. Do you really think they wouldn't be there for you, supporting and loving you if you told them what really happened?"

Buffy shook her head. "Oh, I'm sure once they stopped feeling sorry for themselves, they'd spare a thought for me. But that's just the thing, I don't want their sympathy. I just want..I just want them to undo it. I don't want to be here. I want to go back, but they'll never understand that. And even if I told them where I was, they'd never be able to send me back. Because they're selfish."

"Pet, you know it's a strange day when I'm defending the Scoobies to you. But they're your friends. You need to be honest about this if you want to have any chance at a normal life again."

Buffy jumped off the bed. "Don't you get it? I *don't* want a normal life again. I don't want a *life*. This wonderful existence is full of pain and fear and exhaustion and violence. Who in their right mind would choose this over where I've been?"

Spike tilted his head and looked sadly at Buffy. "Buffy, if there was anything I could do to make you happier right now, you know I'd do it. But this...I think it's got to be you. You're the only one who can make yourself happy."

"No, Spike, there is something you can do for me...I'm terrified of the dark, and I wake up feeling alone. Would you just...I mean, just in a friend-type way...could you just hold me until morning? I hate waking up alone, in the dark." A tear fell down her cheek as she tried not to look at Spike. He tilted her chin up and smiled at her.

"Of course, pet. Whatever you need, you know I'm here for you." Spike climbed on the bed and offered his hand to Buffy as she laid down beside him. She turned her back to him and he draped his arm over her waist. She grabbed his hand and brought it across her chest to cradle her face against the pillow, making his grip on her that much tighter. Spike took in the scent of her hair so close to him and couldn't keep his own tear from falling. This depressed, miserable woman was his heaven, and he'd never be able to show her the sheer bliss of this moment.

Chapter 12:

--Spike, Giles is coming in sometime today, so I had to go get the house ready. You can pick me up around 10 tonight for a patrol if you're not busy.

Buffy

PS. Thank you for last night, but mostly for this morning. I didn't wake up feeling alone, and that's more important than I think I can explain.-

Spike smiled as he read the note. He folded it neatly and place it on his nightstand. Then he rolled over and hugged the pillow Buffy had used. He took in her scent again, for maybe the millionth time since she'd been back. It meant so much to him, because before she died her scent was all he had sometimes. She might storm out of his crypt or throw him out of her house, but her scent always remained. He could pick up her trail a day later. But when she died, her scent slowly died too. He would walk past her house and for a little while, it would be there. And he could pretend she was just inside. But a few weeks later, it was completely gone. He could smell that Willow and Tara had been there, sometimes Xander and Anya. But the traces of Buffy were gone. He stopped walking by her house then. Even if he needed to go somewhere that would take him past her house, he would take a different route. He couldn't stand passing by and not smelling her.

But now she had been in his bed. He had been holding her. She had wanted him. She had needed him. Spike fell back to sleep with a smile, intoxicated by Buffy.

The reunion with Giles had went as Buffy expected. He had gotten there much earlier than she had thought possible, but when he said 'the next flight' he wasn't joking. Giles stared at her, hugged her, and said 'dear lord' quite a bit. The rest of the gang was there too, as Giles had stopped by the Magic Box first. Giles made Willow explain the spell she used, and she did, with much pride. Buffy had to make an effort not to say something rude. 'They thought they were helping,' she continually thought to herself. Giles didn't let go of Buffy's hand as he and Willow discussed the spell. Buffy found herself missing Spike. 'Why do I miss him? He's Spike! I have all my loving friends here, and I'm wishing I could talk to Spike.' Buffy decided not to dwell on it, her life was confusing enough as it was without trying to justify her friendship with a vampire. Buffy snapped out of her thoughts when Xander started talking about said blond vampire.

"What? What about Spike?" Buffy looked aggravated.

"Oh, nothing, Buff. I was just telling the G-man about how we're trying to keep Spike's little obsession curbed this time around. I mean, you just got back from hell, there's no reason you should have to put up with Spike too!" Xander laughed at himself.

"Spike's...ok. He's not doing any harm. Just leave him be." Buffy wished she could tell them all that he'd been more of a friend than they had. Instead, she settled for a mild defense. She didn't want to stir up anything, especially when Xander was on one of his anti-Spike rants.

"Ok, Buffy, whatever you say. I'll just be keeping my eye on him, is all. You're one of my girls. Gotta look after you!"

The day proceeded with more gabbing and hugging, more awestruck looks from Giles, and what Buffy thought was a little disagreement between Giles and Willow. She didn't make out all of the conversation, but it seemed Giles was concerned about Willow delving into the black magics. Giles had taken Willow into the kitchen, away from prying ears. But as everyone else was talking excitedly about what to do for dinner, Buffy focused on the other discussion. Giles sounded a bit agitated and Willow sounded defensive. When they returned to the living room, however, there were smiles all around as if nothing had happened.

After yet another exhausting day, the gang finally left. Buffy offered Giles a spare bedroom upstairs, which he accepted eagerly. As Buffy headed to the basement to return some chairs that Xander had brought up, the doorbell rang. Giles called to Buffy that he would get it.

"Oh, Spike. Yes, Buffy told me you would be dropping by. Come in."

Spike responded with a nod as he entered. "Watcher. How is everything?"

"Well, it's...overwhelming. As I'm sure you can understand."

Spike nodded again. "How's England? The tea still hot and the queen still cold?"

Before Giles could respond, a shriek startled them. Spike was in the basement before Giles could even think, but he managed to catch on quick enough. Spike found Buffy staring at herself. Or rather, the bot of herself.

"W-what is this doing here?" Buffy was wide eyed.

"Oh, well, Red fixed it up this summer and-"

"And you *used* it? Oh my god, Spike. That is so sick. I thought-"

"Oh, bloody hell, woman! I didn't use it like that! We used it for patrolling. Didn't want the demon world thinking the Hellmouth was without a Slayer."

"OH! Oh, ok. I guess that makes sense...it's still...weird."

"I can't believe you thought I'd use it...like that...again."

"Well, I'm sorry. I just thought, you probably missed me and well...you *did* have her made for that..."

Spike frowned. "I wouldn't. I couldn't, not after you...look, let's just go patrol, alright?" Spike stormed up the stairs past a slightly confused Giles.

Buffy followed Spike and called back to Giles, "Don't wait up, we'll be late."

Chapter 13:

"Spike, wait up!" Buffy was pulling on her jacket as she followed Spike down the sidewalk. She finally caught up with him and grabbed his arm to halt him. "Would you just stop for a minute? What's the deal?"

Spike spun around and yanked his arm from her grip. "What's the *deal*? What do you think the deal is, Slayer? I mean, you actually think I could do *any*thing with that bot after losing you? After holding you up on that tower and watching you jump right out of my life...god, how could you think I could even stand to look at that thing? That thing that was almost, but not quite you. It was good enough for me before. Before you treated me like a human, like a man. I needed something of you, Buffy. I had the bot made so I could play pretend that you actually saw me as someone. That you actually saw me as the man you made me want to be. I pretended that you loved me as much as I loved you. I had it made to say all the things I dreamed you'd say to me. But once I actually *knew* what it was like to be considered a man by you...by the real you...after I held you tight in my arms, knowing you accepted my love...how could I have anything to do with that shell of a thing?" Spike was pacing a small area on the sidewalk. "Do you have any idea how hard it was just to be patrolling with that thing? Even after Red reprogrammed it...it was still like looking at you, all the time."

Buffy walked up to Spike, halting his tirade. She looked up at him, sadness in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Spike. I should have known. I saw how much you changed after Glory hurt you. Probably even before, but I didn't bother to notice. I never noticed you, not really. And I'm sorry for that too." Buffy reached up and gently caressed Spike's cheek with her thumb. Then she slid her hand around his neck and pulled him down to her. She gave him a soft kiss on his cheek and released him.

Spike stood a bit stunned before her. She giggled at his witless expression and grabbed his arm. It took a bit of tugging to get him to move, but when he did, she kept her arm linked in his. Giles might have seen them walking down the sidewalk like a couple had he not decided to clean his glasses after seeing her kiss him. He moved away from the window with a 'bloody hell.'

Twenty minutes into the patrol and Spike could see again that Buffy wasn't up for it. After dusting a fledgling, Spike sighed, "Pet, why do you insist on patrolling if you don't wanna slay?" Buffy shrugged, peeling strips off her unused stake. "Alright, how about we head out to that diner nearby? I'll buy you some dinner. Put some meat on your increasingly noticeable bones."

"Already ate."

"Ok, you can watch me eat and criticize my table manners, how about that?"

"Ok." Buffy bounded off the headstone she had parked herself on and again linked arms with Spike. He gave her a curious look. "What? Girl can't be too careful walking through a graveyard at night."

Spike ordered up a plate of hotwings and some fries. Buffy had a diet coke. While he waited for his food, Spike looked intently at Buffy. She was gazing off at nothing. "Ok, I don't suppose I have to ask what's got you down, since you've been nothing *but* since you got back. But you're really out of it tonight, luv." Buffy shrugged again, not looking at Spike. He shook his head. "Pet, you've gotta talk to me. I know you're not talking to anyone else." Buffy finally looked at him for a moment. She put her hand on top of his, then turned to look out the window.

"I like spending time with you, Spike. It's the only time I feel half decent. But half decent still isn't where I need to be to make it." She was so distant, Spike wanted to shake her to the present.

Spike put his other hand on top of hers, but she didn't look at him. "Ok, pet, so what are we going to do about it?"

Buffy sighed, "Don't know. Don't really suppose it matters. Lots of people go through life like this, I bet. Miserable people who turn out to be miserable old folks with 20 cats and no friends. And being the Slayer, maybe I don't have to live to be that old. Never liked cats anyway..."

Spike clenched his jaw. He jerked both his hands from her and slammed them on the table, drawing the attention of the few patrons in the diner. Buffy seemed to snap to attention too. Spike leaned as far over the table as he could without getting out of his seat. "You listen to me, we're going to figure this out. You're not going to be miserable forever. I want to help you, but I can't do it alone. All your friends would be happy to help you, but even they can't do it. *You* have to do it. You have to *want* it. Now, damnit, work with me here. Let's talk this out and make it work. Tell me what you need me to do here, Buffy. I'll do anything to help you, you know it. But this, how you are now, it's not going to work. I can see you retreating into yourself. Soon you'll be so far in, no one can reach you."

Buffy broke down. "I don't know what to do, Spike. It can't really be like this forever. I feel so empty inside. I can't take this. I just can't live like this." Buffy was sobbing now, not caring who noticed.

Spike slid out of his booth seat and into hers. He put an arm around her and drew her close. "It's ok, pet. We'll figure it out. Maybe we'll get the Watcher in on it, he might know what to do. Or where to start. It's not going to be easy, Buffy, but we'll do it, ok? Do you trust me?"

Buffy looked up at him, tears still streaming down her face. She nodded. "You really do care, don't you? You'd really do anything for me..." She nuzzled her face back into his chest as her crying lessened.

"Of course, luv. Anything in my power, I'll do it. I just want you happy. Even if I couldn't be here to enjoy it, I could die happy knowing you would find some contentment in life again." Spike had his head down on hers, eyes closed. He was enjoying the feel of her in his arms again, oblivious to the outside world.

After they enjoyed their cuddle, and some hotwings, Spike walked Buffy home. He stood in front of her door, bathed in the pale porch light. Buffy looked at him for a long moment before speaking. "You're right, it's not going to be easy. But I know you'll be with me, giving me what I need. Spike, right now you're the only thing that makes me even approach happy. And I think I know what needs to happen to make me feel good again." Buffy put her hands around his neck and for the second time that night drew him down for a kiss. But this time, it was not his cheek she went for, but his lips. Spike's body tensed and, almost as quickly, relaxed into hers. She held his face to hers, and he slipped his arms around her waist. He gripped her tightly, for fear it was just another dream and he would wake up with him in his crypt and her forever gone. Buffy pulled away from him, smiling. He has his eyes closed for a moment, not willing to take the chance of opening them to nothing. When she caressed his face, he finally looked at her. She just gave him a wink and walked into the house. Spike stood for a moment, partly stunned and partly stoned, on Buffy. He turned and started home, feeling for all the world a little boy without a care in the world.

Buffy went up to her bedroom, feeling better than she had since she got back. She had something to work with. She had Spike, and she had a plan. She pulled out some paper and a pen and started to work on making everything right again.

**

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