Green Card

by Ripe Wicked Plum

Spike yawned widely as he sifted through his mail at the Sunnydale Post Office, "Occupant, occupant...You could already be a winner..." He read off absently, "Occupant...I live in a bleedin' graveyard...what in the hell do they think I'm occupying?"
He tossed the circulars and junk mail in the trash can near his box with another yawn, wondering why he even bothered. The only mail he got these days were pre-approved credit cards. He paused, eyes lighting up as one envelope was addressed to William Bolden. He ripped it open, then frowned, reading over the contents, "What the fuck...?" He glanced at the postmark on the front of the envelope, groaning, "The INS...great...just...bloody...great..."

"I...uh...wasn't aware...vampires could be deported," Giles said, polishing his glasses thoughtfully as he stared at the miserable vampire slumped on his couch, and Spike snorted.
"Apparently, you were wrong," He said irritably, "I just wonder how the bloody 'ell they found out about me," He eyed Giles suspiciously, and the Watcher sighed.
"I am sure none of us reported you, Spike."
"Humph..." The vampire snorted, "Whatever...hey, can you give your Council buddies a ring and see if they'd give a hand in straightening this mess out?"
"One, as I'm sure you remember, since you delight in reminding me...I am no longer part of the Council, and they would only laugh at me if I asked them to keep a murderer of two Slayers from being shipped back to England. And two...I have no idea why you came to me anyhow. I thought we hated each other."
"We do...but I kinda like it here in the States...and 'sides...I did help you with that Adam bloke..."
"After you turned us against each other and we almost all died in the Initiative Complex..."
"Hey...I could have let that hairy demon eat you all," Spike pointed out, "Part of my problem solved."
Giles sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily, "I would help you if I could, Spike...but there's absolutely nothing I can do. I have problem enough keeping status in this bloody country. And I'm legal."
"I'm legal...sort of," Spike protested, "The papers look really real."
"Oh Lord," Giles muttered as Buffy and Riley stumbled in, all over each other, and Spike rolled his eyes with a gag, which Giles would have echoed if he wasn't supposed to be the mature one.
Buffy pulled away from her boyfriend, glaring at Spike, "What's he doing here?"
"He's...being deported," Giles answered, and Buffy smirked.
"Oh...can I do my celebration dance now...or should I wait till he's on the boat?"
"Plane, you stupid bint," Spike growled at her, "England's on the other side of the bloody planet."
"Whatever," Buffy beamed brightly, "Poor wittle Spikey's being forced to go back to England."
Spike growled again as he stood and shoved past her, yelping when the chip activated, and Buffy laughed at him as he stalked out angrily.
Giles shook his head, feeling for the vampire despite himself, and turned towards the phone, "Whatcha doing?" Buffy asked, and Giles glanced at her.
"Seeing what I can do to correct this."
"What?" Buffy and Riley gaped at him, "No offense sir...but he's a hostile!"
"And has been extremely helpful of late," Giles reminded them, "It would not feel right if I did not do what I could to help him."
Buffy rolled her eyes, "Jeez, Giles...he's just Spike."
Giles gave her a look that brooked no argument, and she sighed, "Damn...and I was so close to getting rid of him too."

"I feel kinda bad for him," Willow said as she surfed the net, trying to find something for Giles to use to keep Spike in the country, and she blushed slightly, "I mean...he's evil and all...but this is kinda his home, right?"
Tara smiled at her, "I don't know him...but he seems kinda nice..." She frowned, "Apart from the trying' to get everyone killed by Adam...which...makes him...kinda not nice..."
"He is nice...he went to a party with me," Anya put in as Xander gave her a look, and Buffy yawned, boredly flipping through a magazine, wondering why she even bothered to show up to the 'Keep Spike from being shipped off,' research party. She glanced at the jelly donuts on the table, Oh yeah...that's why...she thought, grabbing one.
Hey, she was a college girl...free food was free food.
"Am I the only one here that doesn't care if Junior is sent packing?" Xander asked as Joyce Summers gave him a light glare.
"Spike is a fine young man, Xander Harris. Even if you and my daughter seem to think otherwise."
Buffy rolled her eyes, "Riley thinks so too, Xander. And I just can't wait to say Bon Voyage, have a nice flight...please, forget to write."
Joyce gave her the patented 'mother' look, and Buffy sighed, "Fine, fine...what do you want me to do?"
"Die," Spike muttered as he came in the front door, looking more miserable then usual as he plopped on the couch beside her and putting his feet on the table.
"You mustn't get down, dear, we'll find a way to keep you here," Joyce said cheerfully, and Spike smiled at her wanly.
"Thanks, mum."
"Spike, she's not your mu-mom," Buffy said with a glare at the blond, and he squirmed when Joyce ruffled his hair affectionately.
"Mum! Cut it out."
"Sorry," She smiled at him, "Want some cocoa?" She asked, "I'm sure Mr. Giles has some around here somewhere."
Spike grinned, nodding as the others looked at him oddly.
Giles shook his head, turning back to Willow, "Fiif">nything?"
"Well...unless he gets a really, really important job that makes him inexpandable...there's only one other option."
"What's that?"
"One of us has to either marry him...or claim to be his gay lover."
"Not Xander!" Anya cut in, "He's mine!"
"Yeah...I'm waayyy with her on this one," Xander said, standing closer to his girlfriend as if for protection from such a thought.
Spike's eyes were wide as he stared at Willow, "What are the chances on the job one?"
"In the time you have left? Nil," Willow said, then smiled slowly, "Giles...you're not seeing anybody, right?"
"What?!" Giles' eyes widened as he looked at Spike, and the vampire yelped.
"NO! NO WAY IN HELL!"
Buffy started to giggle at her Watcher's stricken look, "Aw...come on, Giles...you'd make such a cute couple!"
She raised an eyebrow when both Brits let out twin growls, "Oh...look...they're already acting alike."
"Buffy, stop teasing them," Joyce chastised her with a sigh, handing Spike his cocoa, and he clutched the mug, his eyes filled with horror.
"I don't wanna stay here THAT badly!"
"All righty then," Buffy gave him a wave, "See ya, Spike. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out."
Joyce looked at Spike in concern, having no wish for her 'boy' to be sent away. "I'll do it."
Spike's eyes shot towards her as his mouth dropped open in shock, and Buffy gaped at her, "What?! MOM! You're not marrying Spike!"
"Whose the mother in this relationship?" Joyce reminded her sternly as Spike struggled to say something.
"Mum...I'm...real flattered...truly...but um...I don't think that's a good...idea."
"Oh," Joyce waved her hand in dismissal, "I'm not letting you get sent away that easily. Who will I have late night cocoa chats with?"
Spike smiled slowly, touched, "Aw...thanks, mum..."
Buffy shook her head, "Uh-uh...nooo way! You can't marry Spike! You're OLD!"
Spike and Joyce each gave her a look, and Buffy flushed, "I mean...you know...you look older...then him. The INS agent would never buy that...and I think he'd think something's up when he's calling you mum all the time...an-and..."
Spike sighed deeply, glancing at Joyce, “No offense, mum…but the chit's got a point.”
Buffy glowered at him, wondering if she had been insulted, I'm going to have to look that word up, she thought, “See? He agrees.”
“What about Willow or Tara?” Anya suggested, and the two witches linked hands, and Spike shook his head.
“Nah…she and Red got their own problems at the moment,” He replied, and Willow sent him a grateful look, “Sorry.”
“S'alright…” Spike sighed again, “Guess London won't be all that bad.”
“All right, it's settled. Be seein' ya,” Buffy stood, then glanced around the room, frowning slightly.
Spike's shoulders were slumped in defeat, and Joyce was looking at him with motherly concern and dejection, while Anya patted his shoulder reassuringly. Willow and Tara were exchanging one of their looks where nothing was said but great a bit was communicated. Giles looked slightly worried, while even Xander managed to give the vampire a look of sympathy.
Oh for the love of..."I'll do it."
Everyone looked at her in shock, and Spike gaped at her, "Whatzat?"
"I. Will. Do. It..." She said slowly, as if speaking to an extremely stupid child.
"But Buffy...you have...have to live with him for two years...an-and...pass all kinds of tests so that agent knows you're legit!" Willow informed her.
"Two years? Tests?" Buffy repeated, "They do tests?!"
"Um...Buffster...?" Xander started to say, but Joyce cut him off as she smiled brightly.
"Oh, Buffy! I'm so proud of you! You're doing something completely selfless!"
"What?" Spike repeated, still shocked.
"Mom...I'm the Slayer! I do selfless crap all the time!"
"Yeah...but you're doing it for Spike, and I know you don't like him...oh...you're my good little girl!"
"What?"
Buffy blushed in embarrassment as her mother hugged her tightly, and Spike finally snapped out of his daze, "I can't marry her!"
"Nonsense!" Joyce exclaimed brightly, "It's settled!"
Spike and Buffy exchanged a wary look, and shared a shudder, "Why do I think this is a completely bad idea?" Spike muttered beneath his breath.
Buffy completely agreed with him. That does it...next time...think then open big, fat mouth.

"WHAT?!"
Buffy flushed as her boyfriend stared at her like she was going insane, and she didn't think he was far off the mark. "Um...gettin' married?"
"I heard you the first time...I'm just working through the shock!" Riley replied, his eyes wide, "My girlfriend just told me she's marrying a hostile!"
"His name is Spike...an-and...it's only so that he doesn't get deported...and besides...it's only for two years..."
"Two years? Buffy! That's a lifetime in Sl--" He bit off his own words, and Buffy sighed.
"I know...a lifetime in Slayer years. But my mom really likes him...and there was this whole...major guiltage thing workin' against me."
"Christ," Riley shook his head, still unable to believe his ears, "But...Spike! I thought we were all on board with the 'Yay, Spike's gone,' thing!"
"Yeah...well...a woman's prerogative is to change her mind," Buffy smiled sheepishly, "Well...I just...couldn't...Giles was right...he's been sorta helpful lately..."
Riley shook his head, unable to believe this, "This is the second time this year you told me you were marrying him, you realize?"
"Yeah...sorry."
"This isn't a spell too, is it?" He asked hopefully, but Buffy shook her head.
"Sorry...and it's not like I want too. It's just a favor to him...that's all...and you shouldn't be acting all jealous, cause I do love you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," She smiled, "I'm all on board with the big Riley lovin'," She said, giving him a peck on the lips, and he sighed.
"All right...I guess I can surivive this."
"Besides," Buffy threw her arms around his neck, smiling coyly, "Spike found us a two bedroom apartment...which means...no roommate...and no mom anywhere nearby..."
"Hmm..." Riley wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her briefly, "I think I'm starting to like the sound of that."
Buffy smiled, nodding slowly, "All night slumber parties," She promised him, snuggling against his broad chest, "With no interruptions...and I can stay out as late as I want."
"Really liking the sound of that," Riley grinned widely, kissing her again, then sighed as he broke away, "But my mom's going to be so disappointed in me when she finds out I'm dating a married woman. She raised me better, you know."
Buffy laughed, smacking his chest. "You bad boy."
He let out a poor imitation of a growl, "Oh yeah...that's me all over."

"I'm a bleedin' joke, I am," Spike grumbled, fidgeting nervously as Giles adjusted his tie, the Watcher raising an eyebrow.
"Why's that?"
"I'm ten bloody seconds from marrying the Slayer!" He said in exasperation, "Who'd want to marry her for?!"
"Say yes, and make me the happiest man alive," Giles repeated Spike's own words during Willow's Will Be Done spell, and the vampire groaned.
"Yes...remind me of that!"
Giles chuckled as Joyce peeped her head in, beaming at her soon to be son-in-law, "My, don't you look handsome," She said, looking over his black suit, and he pulled at his tie with an abashed grin that seemed oddly fitting to the normally cocky and assured vampire.
Giles sighed when he pulled it out of place, but Spike held still while Joyce adjusted it once more, patting his labels down, actual tears shining in her eyes. Then out came the handkerchief.
Spike sputtered, trying to turn his face away when she licked it and tried to wipe his face, "Mum! I already washed up!" He complained as she swiped at his cheek, sounding like a put-out child and she smiled.
"You got a bit of cigarette ash on you," She said, wiping his face despite his struggles, and he sighed in relief when she replaced the dreaded weapon.
"Let me see them," She instructed, and Spike frowned.
"See what?"
"The rings. Buffy sent me up here to make sure you have them and that they're quote, unquote 'normal, with no freaky little skulls.'"
Spike rolled his eyes, removing a black velvet box from his pocket, and she looked down at the twin gold wedding bands, tears coming to her eyes, "Oh...my little boy," She said, throwing her arms around his neck, and Spike's eyes widened slightly as she sobbed against his chest, "You'll take care of my little girl, won't you?"
"Um...sure...yeah..." Spike said, patting her back uncomfortably, shooting Giles a desperate look, but the Watcher only chuckled, shaking his head.
Joyce sniffled, wiping her eyes, smiling at Spike brightly before patting his cheek, "There's my good boy. We'll be ready in a little bit," She told him, still sniffling as she left the two men.
Spike and Giles exchanged a look, and the vampire cleared his throat awkwardly, "I think she's been at the punch," He muttered beneath his breath, and Giles shook his head, looking after Joyce.
"What a bloody strange woman," He said, incredulous. "You know...she hates Angel."
"Yeah, I know...go figure," Spike shrugged, "Must have better taste then her daughter."
Giles frowned, catching a slight inflection of...something, in Spike's voice, and for some reason, that disturbed him. "I'm...um...going to see if everything's ready downstairs," Giles muttered, escaping, and Spike glanced after him before sighing heavily, looking down at the rings.
"Bloody 'ell..."

"Mooo-ooommmm!" Buffy tried to fend off the dreaded 'handkerchief' while trying to move in her bulky dress. She hadn't wanted to wear it, just wanted something sensible, like a white dress suit, so that she could still kick the groom's ass if he decided to try something, but oh no! Her mom had gotten that little wounded look on her face,
"But Buffy...I wore this when I married your father...and I'd love so much to see you in it..."
Buffy had refrained from reminding her mom how that marriage ended, but just barely. And feeling guilty about her own thoughts, she had agreed. And now she was stuck in a huge monstrosity of a dress, drowning in taffeta, false satin and yards of gauze and lace.
You'd think on my own wedding day, that I could pick my own damn dress...and I did not just think that...it's not even a real wedding...and like Willow said...it's not a real marriage unless me and Spike have sex...and that's sooo not happening!
Nope...there was goin' to be no consummating of anything on her watch!
"Does he have them?" Buffy asked after re-fixing her make-up, remembering what her husband-to-be's idea of an engagement ring was. She rolled her eyes, Well, Will...looks like your damn spell is finally coming to fruitation...at least his tongue isn't jammed down my throat this time...
"Yes, and they're very pretty..."
"Oh no," Buffy glanced at her mother, seeing she was on the verge of tears again. For the past two days, she had been like a leaky faucet. "Mom...this is NOT a real marriage...you know that right?!"
"Of course I do, dear...but still..." Tears welled, Buffy groaned, "You look sooo beautiful...and...and..."
No...please...don't...
Joyce started to sob again and Buffy looked up as Willow, Tara and Anya came in, her bridesmaids. They were all wearing matching violet colored dress suits and Buffy envied them. "Help," The Slayer pleaded, and Tara steered Joyce out, trying to comfort her as the older woman cried about losing her little girl...and wasn't Spike just the handsomest in his suit?
Buffy groaned, shaking her head as Willow smiled at her brightly, "You look pretty."
"Don't be daft," Buffy muttered, "I look like the top part of a Coconut Creme pie."
"Oh...no, you don't..."
"Yes, actually, she does," Anya put in, ever the honest one, "I'm supposed to do your hair..." She took out a book then and glanced in it, "And impart womanly wisdom on the bride. Which is you."
"What are you reading?" Willow asked, and Anya held it up, "Bridesmaids for Dummies...Borders was having a sell."
"Ok..." Willow looked perplexed, "Who would write something like that?"
More like who in the hell would buy it except ex-demons? Buffy thought with a sigh, "Fine, fine...impart."
"Men like blow jobs."
"Anya! Buffy's not going to be blowing Spike!" Willow said, her eyes wide.
"Why not? They're going to be married...and as husband and wife...she should give him blow jobs...but...oh! Only if he goes down..."
"AHHH!" Buffy covered her ears, "I'm not hearing this!"
"It's not a real marriage, Anya..."
"Then why did I buy a hundred dollar dress? My money's been wasted?!"
"Once more, from the top, Anya. Spike doesn't wanna be deported. Buffy is marrying him so he can stay in the country. They will pretend to be husband and wife, with papers saying they are...but there will be no sex."
"A marriage without sex? What's the point?"
"Argh!" Buffy let out a strangled sound of frustration, "That does it...he's gone!"
"Anya..." Willow shook her head slightly, "It's time for you to impart your womanly wisdom on Spike..."
"Why? I'm pretty sure he knows this stuff...he's been around for a long time...and oh! I bet he knows a few neat tricks that he can teach Xander...I should talk to him."
Willow closed the door behind Anya, breathing a sigh of relief, "You know...I feel kinda bad about siccing her on Spike."
"Well...as long as it isn't me," Buffy said, looking into the mirror morosely, "I look like a cream puff."
"No, you don't," Willow smiled, "Shall we do your hair now?"
"A big...blond...cream puff..."

Spike inched his way down the hallway, his eyes wide in fear. He had barely escaped Anya with his life. The things that girl said could shock Lucifer himself.
"Hey! Junior!"
Spike jumped, then glared at Xander, who was shoving a video-camera in his face, "Say something to Angel, Deadboy."
"What?!"
Xander grinned as he lowered the camera, "Come on...you know how much Angel hates you...this is sooo gonna chaff his willy."
Spike raised an eyebrow, chuckling, "Oh...yeah...can't wait to see the look on his face when he finds out..."
"I called Cordy this afternoon. She promised to have her own camera on hand when he gets it."
Spike laughed as Xander held up the camera again, "Go on...say something."
Spike looked thoughtful for a moment, "The Slayer isn't goin' to see this, is she?"
"Naw...do I look like I have a death wish?"
Spike nodded before leering into the lens, "Hey, Peaches...looks like the best man won...that being me. But don't worry...I'll be sure to be thinkin' 'bout you on our weddin' night, when I'm shagging the Slayer into unconsciousness," He wagged his tongue suggestively, "Can't say the same 'bout her, though...since it's my name she'll be screaming..."
Xander started to laugh as he lowered the camera, "Oh...that is too good. He'll have a coronary."
Spike grinned widely, "Make me a copy of that, mate...and the one of Angel."
"Sure thing, Skipper," Xander chirped, and Spike frowned.
"Skipper?"
"You know...like Gilligan...he's the first mate...and then there's the Skipper..."
"Uh...right..." Spike eyed him, as if doubting his sanity, and Xander sighed.
"No one gets my jokes," he said in a tortured tone, then lifted the camera again, "Hey! Riley! Say something to Angel!"
Riley ignored him as he stalked up to Spike, his eyes narrowed. Spike tensed as the boy threw him up against the wall, growling threateningly, "You touch her, I'll kill you!"
Spike went to shove him away, but a stake was pressed against his chest, and his eyes narrowed, "What are you doing?!"
"Just a little warning, Spike...Buffy's mine...and don't you fucking forget it," He snapped, letting go of the vampire to straighten his suit and stalk away again.
Xander lowered the camera, his eyes slightly wide as he stared at Riley's back, and Spike growled, straightening his suit. "Bloody psycho..."
"Jeez...this is really cheesing him off," Xander said, looking at Spike in surprise, "I never saw him do something like that before."
"Tell you what...the Slayer sure as hell won't like him talking 'bout her like that."
"Probably not," Xander shrugged, "Eh...he's a guy. According to Anya, we're incredibly stupid when it comes to women."
Spike shook his head, tossing the rings at Xander, who was acting as best man, "You going to tape the ceremony?"
"Joyce is goin' to be handling it then...if she can stop crying and hugging people, that is."
Spike smiled despite himself, "Woman's a bit soft, ain't she?"
"Apparently...she likes you, doesn't she?"
Spike rolled his eyes, glancing up as Giles gestured for them, "Well...time to say good-bye to me bacholor-status."
"Cheer up, Spike...you have the best marriage in the world. You can sleep with anyone you want...as long as it's not your wife."
Spike considered this, "Yeah...but she's probably goin' to take half my money when we get a divorce."
"Right...all fifty cents of it."
Spike raised an eyebrow at Xander, "Well...let's do this then."

Spike fidgeted nervously in front of the Justice of Peace performing the marriage ceremony, and Xander nudged him, "Come on, man...it's not like it's..." He glanced at the dour-faced judge, clearing his throat, "Don't get cold feet."
Spike rolled his eyes, glancing at Riley, who was 'idly' playing with a stake, "Yeah...right."
He watched as Joyce came down the aisle first as the matron of honor, briefly embracing him with a small sob as she took the camera from Xander, and Spike barely resisted the urge to bolt right then and there.
A bloody joke, he thought as Willow, Anya and Tara came down next, rubbing the back of his neck as each woman gave him a small hug, all of them a little teary-eyed. The entire ceremony was a farce, yet everyone was practically weeping. He'd never get women. Absurd creatures, they are...he thought with a sigh.
He looked up as Anya hissed at him, trying to get his attention, and he turned his gaze towards the doorway. Buffy stood there, her arm threaded through with Giles'.
His mouth dropped open slightly before he could stop himself as he gaped openly at her. Cor...
The dress she was wearing was pure white, and the bodice fit snuggly against her breasts, lace edging the fabric just below the tops of her breasts. It had long sleeves that draped down, medieval style, and her skirt flared out around her, lace hedging the hem as she dragged a long train behind her. Her hair was curled and soft-looking, shining golden in the dim light, and framing her face. In short...he thought she looked stunning.
He tugged at his collar as Giles kissed her cheek with a thin smile at Spike, and the vampire grinned at the Watcher nervously as Giles drew an invisible line across his throat, indicating the vampire's fate if he did anything to his Slayer.
Buffy grimaced at him as he offered her a hand, and she took it, pulling at her dress impatiently, "You look...nice," He murmured beneath his breath, and she gave him a look.
"I'm a giant marshmallow, Spike."
"Well...I like marshmallows," He said with a small, nervous grin, and Buffy rolled her eyes.
"Jeez...try not to look like you're going to vomit all over my dress, Spike...it's killing my ego. Then again...it can only improve this thing."
Spike chuckled, "Sorry...but it's not like I do this everyday..."
They both turned inward to face each other, clasping hands, and Spike stared at her face intently as she popped her gum, "Stop that," He hissed at her, and she looked at him in surprise.
"Stop what?" She asked in a quiet voice, and he rolled his eyes.
"You're ruining this, Slayer."
She sighed, swallowing her gum as he looked at the Judge in annoyance, and she raised an eyebrow when she saw the tense line of his jaw as he clenched his teeth together, his blue eyes flashing in anger.
He turned his attention back to Buffy, catching her look, and she glanced at her mother, who was dabbing at her eyes, still holding the video camera, "Oh...great...evidence?" She muttered beneath her breath, looking up when Spike pinched the back of her hand, then realized the Judge was addressing them.
"Do you, Elizabeth Anne Summers take William to be your lawful husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer...as long as you both shall live?"
Buffy glanced at him, then at Spike, who raised his eyebrow expectantly, and she nearly sighed, "Yeah...sure...whatever."
Spike scowled as Xander handed him a ring and he slipped it on her finger, and the Judge looked towards him, "Do you, William Bolden, take Elizabeth to be your lawful wife? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer...for as long as you both shall live?"
Buffy met Spike's gaze, and her breath almost caught in her throat at the sight of his intense gaze as he said softly, "I do."
She took the ring from Xander, averting her gaze from his dark eyes as she slipped the ring on his finger. "I pronounce you husband and wife...you may now kiss the bride."
Spike and Buffy's eyes widened, "Uh...can we skip that part?" Buffy squeaked, and the Judge raised an eyebrow.
"It's traditional."
Spike glanced towards Riley, who was glaring daggers at them, then shrugged. He always loved to live dangerously.
He suddenly wrapped an arm around her waist, and did a dramatic dip as he crushed his lips to hers. He let her up just as fast, ducking away before she could stake him, wide grin on his face.
She glared at him, "You're paying for that later," She growled at him, lifting up her skirts to stalk out.
The Judge shook his head, leaning towards Xander, "I give them a week."

When Buffy returned, she was wearing a white sun dress, thankful to be out of her wedding dress. She thanked the Powers that she only had to wear it the once.
She pinned her hair up as she walked into the room, seeing Spike hiding near her mother as Riley glared daggers at him. She made sure the Justice was gone before going up to her boyfriend and kissing him thoroughly, whispering, "Don't be so jealous, you big baby."
"Sorry...he just gets to me," Riley muttered to her, still glaring at Spike, who casually flipped him off, earning a swat from his new mother-in-law.
Buffy smiled, wrapping an arm around Riley's waist as she went towards her mother, "So...you finally married off your little girl. And to a vampire, no less."
Joyce gave her a stern look, "You could have pretended to take things a little seriously, young lady."
"Um...sorry?"
"Hmph," Joyce eyed her daughter doubtfully, "At least try, for an old woman's sake."
"Fine, fine..." Buffy batted her eyes at Spike, "Oh...husband dear..."
"Joyce...make her stop..."
"Oh...but honey! We're married now!" Buffy said in a high voice, throwing her arms around his neck, "Don't you love me anymore, Blondie bear!"
"I hate you..." He growled at her, and she grinned, letting go of him, "Feelings mutual, Fang Breath."
"I must be a masochist to have agreed to this crap," Spike grumbled, and Joyce shook her head, kissing his cheek.
"Who's ready for cake?" She asked cheerfully, and Buffy pouted.
"Hey...don't we get presents or something?"
Spike chuckled as Joyce sighed, rolling her eyes, "It's sad...I thought I raised her better."
"Hmph...crappy fake wedding...there's not even presents," Buffy muttered, and Joyce sighed again.
"So glad I'm passing her off to you," She teased Spike.
"Oh...gee, thanks mum...I hope you kept the receipt."
Buffy swatted his arm, wrinkling her nose, "Funny, Blondie."
Spike chuckled again, then growled as Xander shoved the camera in his face again, "Why do I feel like I'm on Cops?"
"Come on...do the kissing thing again...Miss Summers was too busy trying not to bawl, and the camera was aimed at your feet."
"Don't even," Buffy warned Spike, her eyes narrowing slightly, and he snorted.
"Please...I still got Buffy taste in my mouth."
"Yeah...well...you coulda at least brushed your teeth after dinner. Blood breath is sooo not on my list of fun."
Giles came up to them then, pretending to wipe away tears, "Oh...it was such a beautiful ceremony...what with the gum snapping and glares. I don't think the Justice bought it."
Spike sent Buffy a glare, and she grinned sheepishly, "Sorry."
"If I get deported..."
"I'll send you a nice going-away fruit basket," Buffy promised, and the vampire threw his hands up in the air, muttering beneath his breath as he stalked towards the drinks.
"I think your hubby's less then happy," Xander observed, and Buffy sighed.
"Sorry, I wasn't thinking..."
"Yes, well, you can march over there and be nice to him for the rest of the night."
"But mom..."
"Buffy Anne Summers..."
"Actually, Miss Summers, it's Mrs. Bond now."
"What?"
"I think he means Bolden," Riley clarified, frowning, "And can't she just keep her maiden name?"
"Buffy Bolden...kinda alliterative, don't ya think?" Buffy said, "And is that even his real name?"
"It is," Joyce said, "He alternates it every fifty years."
Buffy shook her head, rolling her eyes, "Great...now I have to get a new campus card," She grumbled as she went towards Spike, and Riley's eyes narrowed slightly.
"Hey, Rye...wanna chaff Angel's willy?" Xander asked, clapping a hand on his back and holding up the camera, "How 'bout a few words the happy couple?"
Riley gave him a look, "I need some air," he grated out, heading towards the door, and Xander shrugged, turning towards Joyce.
"I know this will be good," He said, training the camera on her face.

Spike was steadily draining a beer as Buffy came up to him, rubbing her arm almost self-consciously, "Sorry, Spike...if I screwed stuff up for ya."
Spike stared at her in surprise, "The Slayer...deigning to apologize to a lower demon? Hell just became a skating rink."
"Ha ha, Spike," Buffy rolled her eyes, "See if it happens again."
"Okay," He laughed, surprising her slightly. She didn't often hear him laugh, and found the sound almost...pleasant. It was deep, full of mirth, and the edges of his eyes crinkled up slightly, "Apology accepted, Slayer."
"Spike, we're married. I think you can call me Buffy now."
"Whatever you say, Babs."
"Babs?!" She looked at him in confusion.
"Buffy Anne Summers Bolden...switch the last 'B' and 'S' and your initials..."
"Spells Babs..." She groaned, shaking her head, "When did you come up with that one?"
"Round 'bout if anyone objects...yada, yada, yada..."
"Oh...you were playing mental scrabble, and you're getting on me about chewin' gum?"
"Hey...at least I was doing it quietly," he pointed out, and she rolled her eyes.
"You're a strange, strange man."
Spike chuckled, glancing towards Joyce, who was gesturing at them, holding a knife, "Now why isn't that sight comforting?"
"Cause she once hit you on the head with an ax and screamed, 'Stay the hell away from my daughter'?" Buffy suggested, and Spike grinned.
"Bloody weird woman. She practically shoved you at me."
Buffy giggled, shaking her head, and then holding out her arm so that he could link it with his, "Shall we then?" She asked, starting to hum as they went towards their mother.
"Um...Slayer? That's the funeral march."
"Yeah...well...it seems fitting, don't ya think?"
"Whatever you say...Babs."
Buffy rolled her eyes, "Keep it up, Spike...and we will be registering as Mr. and Mrs. Big-Pile-Of-Dust."
"I think mum will have a thing to say about that."
"Spike, she's not your...oh...damn."

Riley returned from his breathing break in time to see Buffy shoving a piece of cake into Spike's mouth, smearing icing all over his face, giggling as the vampire tried to do the same to her.
She tried to duck his cake-filled hand, and Spike caught her around the middle, jerking her back against his front as he shoved the cake against her mouth, and she squealed, breaking free, laughing as she threw the bit still in her hand at him.
Joyce shook her head, "Children, no throwing food in my home!" She chastised them, handing Spike a wad of napkins as Xander attacked the cake for himself.
Spike wiped off his mouth, a wide smile on his face as he handed Buffy some, then reached out, picking up a bit of cake on her dress and popping it in his mouth as he turned to face Joyce.
Buffy glanced towards Riley right then, still smiling, "You're missing cake, honey," She called to him, and he plastered a smile on his face as he went towards her, wrapping an arm around her waist, shooting a glare at Spike's back as he picked up the tiny bride and bridegroom off the cake.
"Who painted vampire fangs on him?"
"That'll be Buffy," Willow replied, and Spike glanced at her, and she shrugged.
"I couldn't find red paint," She told him with a smile, and Spike chuckled, shaking his head.
"He still looks like a nancy boy."
"Well...if the shoe fits..."
Spike lopped a piece of cake at her, and she ducked. It missed her, and smacked Riley right between the eyes.
"Oops..."
Riley glared at Spike as he swatted at the cake on his face, "You did that on purpose!"
"Oh, come on, Riley," Willow said with a small smile, "He was aiming for Buffy."
Riley met Spike's gaze squarely, and the vampire raised an eyebrow, taking his slice of cake from Joyce.

"Good God, woman...could you have more crap?" Spike complained, nearly sweating beneath the weight of Buffy's luggage as he carried the bags up a flight of stairs.
"Oh...hush up," Buffy said, fiddling with the key Spike had given her, nearly cringing at the prospect of 'their' home. She had yet to see it, and she was deathly afraid of what she would find.
I find one black thing...excepting drapes...I'm going to stake him...she thought as she opened the door. She heard the sound of dropping bags, and turned, glaring at Spike, "Hey! What are you--"
She yelped as he suddenly swept her into his arms, carrying her across the threshold with a cheeky grin, "Tradition, luv."
She rolled her eyes, but was smiling as he sat her down again, "Yeah...right...like anything about this marriage is traditional."
Spike shrugged, "Eh...traditional's overrated anyhow," He replied, grabbing her bags once more as she explored the apartment, eyes slightly wide. It wasn't anything like she expected.
The color scheme was a creme and light violet. The small foyer gave way to a spacious living room, with two off-white couches that matched the carpet, as well as a matching easy-chair. There were situated in front of an impressive entertainment center, with TV, VCR and a DVD player.
Shelves lined one of the walls, filled to the brim with books, all well-read, the spines bent nearly in half. Off to her right was an open-air kitchen, with white marble counters and a gas-stove. One of the cabinets were open, and curious, she went towards them, seeing that he had stocked up on her favorite foods.
She raised an eyebrow as she turned, and he staggered in with her bags, "You can have the master bedroom," He said, then scowled, "Your mum set it up for you. It's all in poncy colors."
"Thanks," She said, continuing to inspect the apartment, and Spike rolled his eyes.
"Why, yes, Spike...I will help you with the bloody incredibly heavy bags," He said sarcastically, following her as she headed towards the two bedrooms. She peeked in his first, and he shook his head as he continued into hers.
She glanced around his room curiously, noting that the predominant colors were hunter green and white, except for his bed sheets, which were unsurprisingly black silk, though a green comforter was turned down towards the edge of the large four poster.
She heard something drop in her room, and then Spike swearing profusely.
She went in to him, and saw him hastily trying to shove her clothes back into a dropped suitcase, and he looked up at her, with a handful of her unmentionables, "Spike!"
"What?!" He looked down, yelping as he dropped her underwear, "Sorry!"
She shook her head, bending to gather her things up, then looked around, "Oh! I forgot him!"
"Forgot who?" Spike asked as Buffy closed up her suitcase, and she looked at him, "Mr. Gordo! I forgot him!"
"Who the hell is Mr. Gordo?!"
"My pig! I've had him since I was two years old! I can't sleep without him!"
"Well...you're going to have to deal for one night..." Spike nearly groaned as she looked up at him with pleading eyes, "No."
"I have to get unpacked...and I'm hungry..."
"Nnnnoooo..."
"Please, Spike? It'll only take you ten minutes in your car...and I can't drive...especially that tank of yours..."
Spike shook his head, trying to ignore the way her lower lip was trembling, "Right...I'm feelin' a bit peckish myself...and have to stop at Willy's for a bite anyway...and your house is on the way..." He said, as if to convince himself, "Guess I could stop..."
Buffy smiled brightly, jumping to her feet and throwing her arms around his neck, "Thanks, Spike!" She said, missing the almost goofy grin on his face as she hugged him.
"Um...welcome..." He muttered, breaking out of her grasp, "Right...should get going then..." He said, turning on his heel, and Buffy smiled as she went back out to the living room, heading into the kitchen.
She opened the fridge and grabbed out the orange juice, then frowned, looking around the full fridge, then opened the vegetable crisper. She glanced towards the door as it closed behind Spike, then back down at the ten blood packs in the crisper. "Thanks," she repeated beneath her breath with a small smile as she closed the door again.

Spike was cursing himself for a fool as he returned to the apartment, stuffed pig in hand. He froze, seeing a familiar brown-haired boy snogging his wife on his very couch.
Riley broke the kiss as Spike stopped behind him, and Buffy looked up towards him as he dropped the stuffed animal on her lap in silence, stalking towards his bedroom, and slamming the door behind him.
"What's his problem?" Riley asked, and she shrugged, picking up Mr. Gordo, cradling him to his chest, and Riley rolled his eyes, "I will never understand your love affair with that ratty old thing."
Buffy gasped, covering Mr. Gordo's ears, "Don't! You'll hurt his feelings!"
Riley laughed, plucking the pig out of her fingers and planting a kiss on her lips. "You're such a kid, sometimes."
Buffy grabbed Mr. Gordo back, "I'm not a kid," She pouted, and Riley smiled.
"Whatever you say, Buffy..."

Bloody fucking priceless...Spike thought to himself, covering his ears with his pillow, trying to block out the horrific sounds coming from the room next to his. Figured. The walls were paper-thin.
My wedding night...and monkey boy is consummating my wife! Christ! Could he grunt any louder?! He sounds like an 'effin bull in heat!
He slammed his fist against the headboard, "People are tryin' to bloody SLEEP!" He shouted in annoyance.
Riley's sounds of lovemaking only seemed to get louder, and Spike snarled, jumping out of bed and digging through his bureau drawer, finding his fags and lighting one up.
Before he was done with the one cigarette, he heard Riley let out a final grunt, and thanked the Powers that Riley was only human, and thus only had human endurance.
After half an hour, he heard Buffy's door open, and then her going into their shared bathroom across the hall.
He raised an eyebrow, stepping out of his bedroom as the shower went on, glancing in her bedroom. Riley was lying on her bed, sleeping. Humans...phhttt...
He passed the bathroom on his way to the kitchen, and saw Mr. Gordo lying on the couch. He picked the stuffed pig up, inspecting it, "Bloody strange girl..." He said aloud, then shrugged, "Eh...at least she doesn't talk to it."
He bounced it in the air as he headed back to his room, pausing outside the bathroom, raising his knuckles to knock, then froze, eyebrows shooting up.
He heard muffled moans coming from the other side of the door, barely masked by the running water, and he looked at the door in shock. "Jesus H. Christ..." He muttered, then glanced at Riley's still form. What a man...sleeping...while she's bringing herself off in the shower..."Pathetic..." He shook his head, wondering what the Slayer saw in the boy.
He jumped when the shower shut off, and the door opened. Buffy nearly screamed as she jumped back, pulling a towel off the rack, "Spike!"
He averted his eyes politely as she blushed furiously, "Sorry...I'm so used to living with just my mom around," She said, wrapping the towel around herself, and Spike chuckled.
"Don't hear me complaining...by all means...streak all you want."
"What were you doing lurking at the door?" Buffy asked suspiciously, a high flush coming to her cheeks, wondering if he had been listening at the door.
Spike glanced at her, holding up Mr. Gordo, "So you can sleep," He explained, "And I think someone was complainin' earlier about blood breath?"
She took Mr. Gordo from her, sighing as she glanced at the pig, "Ugh...I'm such a kid."
"What? Cause you like a stuffed animal? Please...I still sleep with a security blanket."
Buffy gaped at him, "You do?"
"Not lately," He said with a smile, "Someone burned my blanky in a big factory fire."
"Now you're messin' with my head," She whacked him in the chest with her stuffed pig, "But thanks."
"Welcome," He said, brushing past her to get into the bathroom, then peeked his head back out, "I was serious about the streakin' thing..."
She held up Mr. Gordo threateningly, and he laughed, ducking back into the bathroom.
Buffy smiled, shaking her head as she returned to her bedroom, sighing as she slid back in beside Riley, glancing at her boyfriend before curling up on her side with Mr. Gordo and falling asleep.

"Slayer...stop laughing!"
"Sorry!" Buffy said through giggles.
Spike sighed deeply, shaking his head, "Babs...if we're going to pull this off, we're goin' to have to know this stuff."
"Stop callin' me that," Buffy grimaced at him, looking through the ten pages of questions that Willow had made up, thinking that the INS agent assigned to them might ask them those sort of things. She would be there in less then half an hour to quiz them. This is waaayyy worse then school.
"What's your favorite scary movie? She has to be kidding!"
"That one's easy," Spike said, flipping through his packet, "Dances with Wolves."
"That's not a scary movie!"
Spike looked up at her, "Dru had a major thing for Costner at the time...she watched the damn thing over...and over...and over again...it's scary."
"I stand corrected," She said, then shrugged, "At least it wasn't Waterworld."
"Don't even get me started..."
Buffy giggled, shaking her head, "All right...here's one...what's your favorite animal?"
"Pandas," He answered with a straight face, and Buffy looked up at him, "Seriously, I like pandas."
"All right..." She scribbled that down, looking up at him, "Aren't you going to ask me anything?"
"Huh?" He looked up at her, closing his packet, "I'm finished."
"No way. Those questions were hard."
He shrugged, tossing his packet to her, and she looked through them, "Okay...way wiggy. You answered them all right! Except...my favorite movie is not Bambi."
Spike raised an eyebrow at her, "Well, it's not!"
"Babs..."
Buffy sighed, "You tell anyone, you're dead," She grumbled, "How'd you know all that?"
"Know thy enemy," He answered with a small smirk, and she shook her head.
"Fine...now help me finish mine," She muttered, "Hobby...oh that's easy. Torturing people with railroad spikes."
"Macramé."
"Ok, now you're kidding."
"Yeah...but it's fun watching your eyes go all wide," He said with a grin, "And actually, it's painting."
"You paint?" Buffy eyed him doubtfully, "No way!"
"Yep," Spike shrugged, "They're in storage right now. And most of them are portraits of Dru. I picked it up after I was turned...got bored during the daytime and I couldn't read yet. I haven't painted in awhile, though. Conditions in the crypt weren't the best...it was damp, and the paint wouldn't dry...and wasn't much in the mood before that."
"Cause of Dru?"
"That...and before that I was stuck in the bleedin' wheelchair. Depressed an' all that."
"What about now?"
Spike shrugged, "Maybe," He said, "Could do a portrait of you, I guess..." He ducked his head slightly, "If you want, I mean..."
"I'd love it," Buffy said, smiling as she looked down at her papers, "Right...painting, hobby..." She suddenly started to giggle, looking up at him, "How many kids you want?"
"Two," He replied right away, and Buffy raised an eyebrow, "How convenient...same amount I'd want."
"Eh...with two, you don't have the only child being lonely...and you can manage the little bastards easier then three."
"I'd appreciate that you wouldn't call our kids bastards, husband dearest," Buffy said in false anger, "What will little Peter and Jenna say?"
"Peter? I don't think so...my son's name is going to be named William."
"Oh...don't I get any say in the matter?"
"Slayer...considering we'd have to be having sex...oh...and one of has to get a body temperature..."
"'All right, all right..." She rolled her eyes, looking down again, "Hair color..."
"Brown."
"What? You're not a natural blond?" She said in mock horror, "You lied to me!"
Spike chuckled, "Next question, Babs."
"We're not naming him William."

Spike raised an eyebrow as he answered the door, seeing Willow standing on the doorstep. She was wearing a dress-suit, held a clipboard, and even had a pair of fake, wire-rimmed glasses on her nose.
"Well...it's the mini-Watcher."
"I am Willow Rosenberg...and I'm going to be your case worker," She said in an official tone, ignoring his jibe, "Are you William Bolden?"
"No...I'm James Fucking Dean..."
Willow gave him a scathing look, "Spike, try and take this seriously! Pretend I'm for real."
"Sorry, sorry," The vampire rolled his eyes, "Babs, the loony's here!"
Buffy took one look at Willow and started to giggle, "What? Did you start channeling Giles this afternoon?" She teased, and Willow sighed.,
"I'm deducting points for making fun of the agent," She said, holding her pencil above her paper threateningly.
"Sorry," Buffy rolled her eyes, "Come in...Miss Rosenberg."
"Thank you, you must be Buffy," Willow said, slipping back into her act, and Spike shook his head as he closed the door behind her.
"This is goin' to be a looonnnggg night."

"Okay...Spike's ten for ten...and Buffy's...zero for ten."
Buffy pulled a face as Spike smirked at her, and Willow tapped her pencil against her clipboard, "And you two are both losing points for that!" She pointed at the couch they were sitting on and Spike frowned.
"Why? Don't like the color?"
"You could try sitting in the same time zone as Buffy," Willow pointed out. The two blonds were sitting on completely opposite sides of the couch.
Spike glanced at Buffy, then rolled his eyes as he scooted next to her, still about a foot apart. Willow sighed, "You two are never going to pull this off if you can't even be in the same room together!"
Spike looked at Buffy again, and she eyed him warily. He suddenly grinned rakishly, grabbing her around the waist and plopping her on his lap. "Spike!"
"Oh...that's way better," Willow said, nodding her approval, and Buffy rolled her eyes, sitting stiffly on top of him. "Relax, Slayer...it's not like I can bite you," He muttered in her ear, and she forced her body to relax, resting against his chest with his head propped up by her shoulder.
She noticed idly that his body fitted to hers exactly, but was distracted when Willow began tapping her pencil against her clipboard, "Kay...this is an easy one...Spike, who is Buffy's best friend?"
"You..." She gave him a look, and he rolled his eyes, "Willow Rosenberg...short, has red hair...scrunches up her cute little nose when she's annoyed...good with math and computers."
"Cute little nose?" Buffy repeated as Willow scrunched it up, "You're not supposed to flirt with your case worker! Especially with your wife sitting on you!"
"Oh, come on..." He grinned at her, "Don't I get a few extra points for that?"
"No!" Buffy said, giving him a glare. Why did he come off saying that Willow's nose was cute?! Her nose was cute too, but he didn't say anything about that! Whoa, Buff...don't tell me you want Spike to say you have a cute nose!
"Ah...don't worry, Babs," He kissed the tip of her nose, eyes shining mischievously, "You have the cutest nose around."
She almost squeaked in surprise. It was like he had read her mind! She was so surprised she forgot to smack him for kissing her as the vampire turned his attention back to Willow, his arms still wrapped around her small body. "Next question."
"How long have you been together?"
Spike and Buffy glanced at each other, "Let's just say three years...cause that's how long I knew you," Buffy said, and Spike nodded, hiding his grin. That meant that she was going to pretend that she hadn't been with Angel when he had first come to Sunnydale. That was fine by him. The less mention of his Sire, the better.
"Okay...Buffy...what's Spike favorite color?"
Buffy frowned slightly, "Uh...pink?"
Spike glared at her, and Willow groaned.

"How'd they do?" Tara asked from the bed when Willow returned.
"He's doomed."

Spike nervously fumbled with his tie as Buffy sat out some coffee and scones that Giles had flown in from England for the occasion.
"I don't see why I have to wear this," Spike complained and Buffy rolled her eyes, "We're trying to make a good impression," She said, adjusting her light pink sun-dress. Spike glanced at her as she bent, exposing a length of tanned thigh, and quickly looked towards the ceiling, "We're never going to be able to do this!"
"Well...if you keep your mouth shut, and don't call me Slayer, we should be fine."
"Me keep my mouth shut? Who told the Witch my favorite movie was The Lost Boys? I bloody hate that flick!"
"Well...I couldn't remember the other one," Buffy said, "And besides, he won't know the difference as long as you don't say anything different!"
"He's probably goin' to interview us separately, luv. If he gets different answers, he's goin' to suspect something!"
"We're never going to pull this off," Buffy muttered beneath her breath as the doorbell rang and moved to open it.
Her eyes widened slightly when she was met with a beautiful, leggy blond, wearing an ash-colored dress suit with a skirt so short that Ally McBeal would blush to wear.
"I'm Alison Denoir," She announced in a clipped, snotty voice, "I'm Mr. Bolden's case worker."
"Um...Buffy Summers..." Spike cleared his throat behind her, and she quickly added, "Bolden...Buffy Summers Bolden."
"Yes, well...that is still to be determined," Alison brushed past her rudely, and Buffy's eyes narrowed slightly as she closed the door, but when she turned around, there was a bright, albeit plastic smile on her face.
Spike openly gawked at the pretty woman as he offered his hand, "William Bolden..." He said, willing his eyes to stay away from her incredible legs, and Buffy glared at him over Alison's shoulder, "Should we get started then?"
"Yes, let's," She sat on the couch, shuffling through the papers in her briefcase, "As you know, many illegals attempt to beat the deportation process," She lifted her cold, green eyes, pinning them with her basilisk-like stare, obviously accusing them of doing said crime. "I'm meant to flush out the true marriages from the hoaxes...and I am very good at my job."
Spike and Buffy exchanged a look, and she went towards him, taking his hand with a reassuring smile, leading him towards the couch opposite Alison, "Well, you can assure yourself that I'm totally in love with Spike," Buffy said, practically batting her lashes at him, and he gritted his teeth together. Don't lay it on too thick, dumb ass...he thought, but was unable to ignore the flutter in his stomach at her words.
"Spike?" Alison repeated, and Buffy glanced towards her, "Oh...he picked it up in high school...he played volley ball...you know...Spike."
Volley ball? Spike smiled at Buffy tensely, "Right...and she was right there...cheering her little head off...She looked so cute in that tiny little skirt of hers with her pompoms..."
Buffy flashed him a winning smile, though her nails were digging into his arm as she forced her attention back to Alison, "So...uh...what do we need to do to prove that we're madly deeply in love?"
Alison glanced at Spike, who was clenching his jaw, then at Buffy who was smiling far too brightly.
"This shouldn't take long at all," She said, and Buffy and Spike exchanged a worried look.

Buffy sighed deeply as she glanced towards Spike, who was standing stiffly in front of the entertainment center, his jaw clenched as he sifted through his video collection.
Alison didn't seem to believe them for a second, and she didn't blame her. She was sure Spike was sporting nail marks in his arm and her mouth was sore from smiling so much.
Spike finally chose a video and popped it in the VCR as he flopped on the couch, lying out lengthwise.
He wasn't talking to her since the disaster that was their first meeting with their caseworker, and she didn't blame him either. She had made a total mess of things, and he was probably going to be deported, after all the trouble they had gone through.
She sighed again, then smiled slightly as she glanced into the pantry and grabbed out some popcorn. She could at least start making it up to him a bit. She popped some in the microwave, and by the time it was done, the movie was starting.
She jumped over the back of the couch and landed with a bounce, and Spike growled at her, "Go 'way."
"Nope," She said cheerfully, "I wanna watch the movie."
"Sod off, it's my movie."
"Sorry, Spike. I own half of everything, remember? You forgot to arrange for a pre-nup!"
"What? Oh...bloody hell!" Spike glared at her, "You're a nuisance."
"And you married me. What does that say about you?"
"Obviously I was bloody desperate!" Spike snapped, and then immediately regretted it when Buffy pouted and turned her attention back to the TV. "What's this?"
"Monty Python," He grunted sullenly as she shoved the popcorn in his face and he sighed as he lay on his back, head propped on the armrest, "Oh! I love this one! With the killer rabbit..."
"Don't you ever shut up?" He asked in exasperation as she wriggled on the couch, trying to get a comfortable position. He rolled his eyes in annoyance, and grabbed her arm, jerking her down almost on top of him, "And hold still!"
"Sorry!" She said with a wounded sniff, and then lay on her side , pressing her butt against his stomach until he was forced to scoot over and lay spooned against her back. "Comfy?" He asked sarcastically, and she nodded, "Now shush...they're talkin' about the sparrows."
He rolled his eyes as he reached around her waist to grab some popcorn. Buffy settled herself more comfortably against him, her eyes on the screen. As the movie went on, he became a bit more comfortable to their position, and even began to absently toy with her hair, one of his arms draped over her waist so that he could reach the popcorn if he wanted too. He was too absorbed in his favorite movie of all time to notice it.
Buffy giggled as Lancelot stormed Swamp Castle, listening to Spike's deep, baritone laugh, his chest rumbling against her back. She began to idly trace patterns on the back of his hand, which was resting near the popcorn, "I love this movie. I musta watched it a million times when I was little."
Spike chuckled, and she was once again treated to the pleasant vibrations against her body, "Yeah...classic Brit cinema. Saw them once in person...at one of their shows. Dru wanted me to turn Cleese, but I didn' have the heart."
"She wanted you to turn John Cleese? Why?"
"She liked all the carnage Lancelot did in the movie. Had to explain a million times to her that movies weren't real, and he probably wouldn't be like that. Finally had to take her out of London to keep her from doing it herself. Bloody nuisance...didn't understand that you can't turn celebrities...too much attention and it's harder to hide them. Just look at Elvis...people are still seeing him!"
"Elvis is a vampire?" Buffy turned a bit to look up at Spike with wide eyes, "You're kidding, right?"
"Nope. Some bloody fan of his decided that he was getting to fat and old and didn't want the old bugger to die, so he turned him. Caused many a'problem in the vamp world. Don't rightly know where he is now...but heard that he was in Vegas...doing impersonations of himself."
"Wiggy. My mom would freak if I had to slay Elvis. She has a secret love affair for him."
Spike laughed, shaking his head, "Your mum is a strange woman."
"Don't you start on my mother."
Spike glanced at her in surprise, and she was smiling cheekily at him, "Just kiddin'."
"She's my mum too now, remember?" Spike teased back, and Buffy rolled her eyes, "Ugh...don't remind me."
"At least that's one good thing," Spike sighed, "Never knew me real mum. I was an orphan."
"Really?" Buffy raised an eyebrow, glancing at the screen, but had lost interest in the movie for now. It wasn't often Spike shared anything about himself...unless it was to Joyce.
"Yep...died either when I was bein' born, or just after. Grew up in an orphanage...sent to a workhouse when I was old enough to work."
Buffy turned all the way to face him, "Tell me," She said, "I mean...like you were when you were little..."
"Well...it's not a pleasant story, pet," Spike said warily, "You wouldn't want to hear it..."
"Please?" She pleaded, her hazel eyes opening wide and beseechingly.
Spike sighed, oh...bloody hell...
"Right...anyways...I was born William Bolden...or at least that's what they tell me...sometimes if they didn't know the kid's name, they'd just pop one on the records. Grew up in an orphanage...it was a 'orrible place, believe me. It was dirty, cold and smelly. Sometimes, you'd get beaten up for the shoes on your feet or for the blankets on your bed. And food? Forget it. You had a bit of thin soup, and maybe some hard bread that you had to scrape the mold off of. I was a sickly chap, most of the time. I was too thin and weak for much of anything, really.
"Always was passed over by the prospective parents come to take children away from the blasted place. I always was too thin...too pale. Not something a person was lookin' for in a son. Though, some women would comment I was a pretty enough chap, with my fair hair and big eyes...but the men didn't want pretty. They wanted strong and robust...stuff that the other boys were, not me."
Buffy listened, enthralled, feeling sympathy already for the boy Spike once was. She could almost picture him, the way he looked with his thin frame and ragged clothes, his face smudged with dirt. She kept forgetting that in the time he grew up, things were a lot worse for people, and she was so used to luxury. She knew that he'd probably have killed for even a bit of the things she took for granted. At least then, he would've.
"After about three years of that, I gave up on being adopted...never was going to happen, obviously, not while I was such a poor-looking chap. When I was ten, they sent me to a workhouse...and this wasn't one of those fancy Kathie Lee sweatshops either. You'd work nearly twelve hours a day for a morsal of bread and some thin soup that didn't nourish you...and if you were too slow, they just replaced you with a hardier chap.
"It was a brutal existence. The labor was backbreaking, and I was never strong to begin with, so you can imagine how it was for me. One day, I fell off a ladder, and nearly broke my leg. Couldn't come into work for a week, and when I came back, they had already replaced me. The orphanage wouldn't take me back, so I was on my own, on the streets of London..."
Spike had a faraway look in his eyes, and seemed oblivious to Buffy's presence as he relieved his past. His arm was still hanging over her waist, and sometimes it would tighten around around her, as if he was unconsciously seeking comfort.
Spike suddenly glanced at her, "The rest of it ain't pretty, Slayer," he warned her, and she smiled, "I think I can handle it," She assured him.
He shook his head slightly, sighing, "Fine...but can't say I didn't warn you," He muttered, wondering why he was even bothering telling her this crap. He never told anyone this kind of stuff before, even Dru. By the time she joined their 'family,' he had already made his reputation as Spike, and his past didn't seem that important anymore.
"I thought life was hard before that..." He snorted, shaking his head again, "It was bloody 'orrible out on the streets. I wasn't a strong chap...or particular smart. I was always fallen victim to the other boys livin' on the streets. If I managed to beg a bit of bread or money, it was stolen in the next moment. So, in order to survive, I learned to pickpocket. Me being so thin and all finally came in handy, since I could slip through the crowds a bit easier. Sometimes, I could come away with five to ten purses a night...afford meself a bed or a meal. Those were the good nights."
Now there was the Spike she was used too. The one that filched a five dollar bill off Giles' dresser the one time. However, it was apparent he didn't need to do it now, and she wondered if it was simply force of habit.
"Most of the time, I slept in a dirty alley, sometimes a doorway if I could find one that was unoccupied. Had to be careful though. A bloke could be knifed for being in someone else's doorway. And I had to be careful of other things as well..." His grip tightened on her slightly.
"I was workin' the docks one night, and was about to grab this one bloke's purse..." his jaw tightened, "But he caught me...and...uh...well...he raped me."
Buffy gasped, her eyes going wide, and Spike glanced down at her, "Happened from time to time, pet. It was the first time...but it wasn't the bloody last time either. It happened...and it didn' help that I was so small and fine looking, ya know. Sometimes, they'd at least leave me a bit o' money, but not often...so I had to learn to defend myself. Paid an older boy to teach me to fight...mostly resulting in lots of fat lips and bloody noses...but I caught on a bit. Didn't help me too much cause of my size. So...the kid gave me a knife. Just a small thing, really, nuthin' much. But I learned to use it...in robbing and protectin' myself.
"After that, if someone tried to 'urt me, I'd rip my knife across 'is belly. Spill his guts, most of the time. Earned me the moniker, William the Bloody, in the papers...I was barely thirteen. The last couple of years 'fore I ran into Angelus, it went on like that. Me fighting to survive...whorin' and drinkin' when I 'ad enough money, sometimes getting a roof over my head for the night. Don't know how many I killed over the years, maybe hundreds...hard to tell, really...never was much interested in the numbers...mostly cause I couldn't read or count.
"When I was around...maybe twenty-three...twenty-four...don't really know my age, I was a bit stronger, still a bit short, wiry strength, really...I marked Angelus...thought he would be an easy one. Long story short...he caught me...admired me...and unfortunately thought I was a good looking chap like the rest of them..."
"He turned you cause you were good-looking?" Buffy said, and Spike smiled, raising an eyebrow, "You're surprised, pet?" He asked, surprised himself. He had been sure the Watcher or even Peaches himself would have told her something so basic about vampires.
She nodded, and he shook his head slightly, "Vamps, Slayer, as a rule, don't care much about your sex..."
"What about you?"
Spike chuckled, "Are you askin' if me and Angelus ever..."
"Yeah..." She blushed, "I mean...he didn't say..."
"Yeah, pet. We did...don't make us gay, though. It was a form of Childe-Sire bonding..." Spike rolled his eyes, "Although, the git was a pain in the arse..."
Buffy giggled, and Spike glanced at her, "What?"
"Spike, repeat that sentence in your mind..."
Spike laughed, his grip on her tightening a bit, "You've got a dirty mind," He teased her, and she rolled her eyes, "You said it, not me."
"Your turn."
"My turn what?"
"I shared, you share now."
"What do you want to know about?"
"Tell me about when you were called...I don't usually meet Slayers at the point, and was always a bit curious as to what happens."
"Well...Giles wasn't my first Watcher...it was this guy, Merrick..."

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