Part 6 - Something True

“She did what?”

Willow winced and glanced towards the workout room where Buffy was currently sequestered with Giles, then gave Xander an admonishing look. She made "keep it down" motions with her hands and lowered her own voice. "She went to Spike and they - "

He held up his hands to halt her words, shaking his head and closing his eyes.. “No, don’t repeat it. Please. So don’t want to hear those words again.”

“Buffy’s been having sex with Spike?” Anya said.

Xander’s hands dropped in exasperation. “Thank you so much.”

"For twenty-four hours straight?"

"And it just gets better."

Anya turned to nail Xander with an annoyed frown. "We've never had sex for twenty-four hours straight. Why not?"

"I don't know, maybe because I'm human?"

Anya opened her mouth, but Willow decided to intervene before Xander's manhood was irreparably damaged. "I don't think they were having sex the whole time. Buffy said they fought another demon."

"The demon she should have been fighting is Spike." Xander poked the air with one emphatic finger. "That undead guy has been waiting for an opportunity like this to take advantage of Buffy."

His eyes caught the expression that flitted across Willow's face.

"What?"

She shrugged, glancing uneasily towards the workout room door again. "Nothing, I'm just not so sure there was a whole lot of advantage taking going on here. I don't think Spike even knew she'd been slimed and was all...all... " She struggled to find the most diplomatic way of putting it.

"Super-horny," Anya finished for her with a knowing nod. She looked at Xander. "It's a good thing she's not the least bit interested in you sexually."

"Yes, I am now thoroughly disgusted and emasculated. Ahn, you're going to make a great wife."

Not catching the sarcasm of the comment, Anya beamed at Xander, who rolled his eyes and headed for the workout room.

Willow's eyes widened. "Xander! You can't go in there!"

"I'm not." He shushed her and turned his ear towards the door, but gave up and glared at the door in exasperation. “Can someone tell me why it’s necessary that this door be so damn thick? I can’t hear a thing in there.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sitting on the couch in the training room, Buffy watched as Giles paced before her.

“Giles, say something.”

He halted and stared at the far wall. He started to turn towards her, stopped and turned back to the wall.

“I …I don’t…To be frank, Buffy, I’m quite at a loss for words.”

“Okay, word lossage from Giles. Not a good sign.”

He turned a frown on her. “What do you expect? You, my Slayer, have now had…relations with not one but two vampires, and two of the most famous vampires known in history at that. I may never live this down.”

Buffy’s mouth dropped open. “Is that what you’re worried about? Your Watcher rep?”

“No, of course not, but I must wonder if I have, perhaps, failed you in some respect. I have always been somewhat lax in my methods of training of you. The result may very well be more than I bargained for.”

“Giles, this is not your fault. That Chaos demon slimed me and I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“Yes, and I have allowed a vampire to once again be in direct contact with the Slayer. I should have realized after the first time…A Slayer is instinctually drawn to vampires, and - “

Buffy jumped to her feet. “I am not drawn to Spike! He was just…just …”

“Convenient?”

“Yes! I mean…No!” She slumped back onto the sofa, burying her face in her hands. “Oooh! I don’t know what I mean. I can‘t even believe this happened.”

“Do you…have you developed feelings for him?”

Once again, Buffy gaped at him. “No. Of course not. I couldn‘t ever. Did you not hear the slimed-by-a-demon part?”

“Yes. Of course. I simply thought there may have been more to it than that.”

“More? What more? Giles, it was the slime. Period.”

He continued to stare rather doubtfully at her. She huffed an exasperated breath of air.

“Giles. Slime. End of story.”

"Yes. Of course. The slime." Avoiding her eyes, he removed his glasses to clean them, and a crinkle appeared between his eyebrows. "The question is, will Spike accept that explanation as easily?"

She rested her elbows on her knees and propped her head on his hands, her face glum. "You know he won't. He won't ever let this go. He's probably somewhere right now plotting how to find more Chaos slime."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Bloody slime. If I were half the vamp I used to be, I’d find another bleedin’ Chaos demon, pull out the chains and force the stupid girl to - “

The door to the crypt swung open and Dawn cautiously entered. Spike, who had been restlessly pacing and talking to air for the hundredth time in the last twenty-four hours, whipped around to face her. She saw the way his face fell, though he hurriedly tried to cover it with a welcoming smile.

"Hello, Little Bit." He slumped back into his chair. "What brings you here on this fine morning?"

She held out the shopping bag she carried. "Buffy asked me to bring this to you."

He took the bag and pulled out his leather coat. "Couldn't bring it herself, then?"

She shrugged and leaned against a pillar. "From what I can tell - which isn't a lot because no one likes to talk in front of 'the child' - I think she's a little wigged."

"Is she now?"

"Yeah, and I don't know what the big deal is. It's not like you're the first vamp she's been with."

He just stared at her and she realized that bringing up the former love of Buffy's life probably wasn't the best thing right now.

"I mean, at least you won't go all evil on her and try to kill all her friends and family."

"Won't I?"

"No way." She thought for a minute. "Though, Xander could be in trouble."

She grinned, obviously not believing that he would ever harm Xander either, and Spike grimaced at the thought of his lost evilness, but he didn't even try to correct her. She sighed - not even the idea of killing Xander was getting a rise out of him.

"I'm sorry. About all this."

He looked up, surprised. "Why would you be sorry?"

"Well, maybe if I hadn't called the Scoobies, they wouldn't have been so worried and all. But Buffy only told me she would be gone one night and I wasn't sure if she was back yet."

His eyes sharpened and he sat up in the chair. "Buffy called you? When?"

"The day everybody freaked because she disappeared. She said she had some Slayer stuff to do and asked me to spend the night with a friend."

"Was this before or after her encounter with the Chaos demon?"

"I don't know. Why? What's the diff?"

"It makes all the difference in the world," Spike answered her absently, his mind racing with possibilities.

"But why?" Dawn let out an exasperated huff breath of air when Spike continued staring into space. "That's okay, don't tell me, nobody else ever tells me anything, why should you be any different?"

Spike finally focused on her. "Is Buffy home now?"

"It's all about Buffy, isn't it?" When he just stared impatiently at her, Dawn sighed. "She should be home in a couple of hours."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy entered her room and drew to an abrupt halt at seeing the black-clad figure lounging on her bed.

"What are you doing here?"

"We have to talk."

"I'm not having sex with you again."

A lazy smile crossed his face. "While I find it intriguing that you now associate me with sex, I'm here to talk." His eyes dropped, a simmering gaze running the length of her body and back up. "Though, if you'd rather...

"Stop it. And we have absolutely nothing to talk about. I don't even want to think about what happened."

"But you do, don't you?" He rose and came to stand in front of her. "I'd wager you can't think of anything else."

"I - "

His smile grew wider as she sputtered at him. He strolled forward, and she defiantly held her ground until he stood within inches of her and she stepped back. He followed and bent his head to speak, his voice a low rasp in her ear.

"I bet you've spent the night lying here in this room, reliving every moment, every touch." She closed her eyes, the images flooding her mind again. "Trying to tell yourself it was nothing, but getting hotter with every thought."

She opened her eyes, braced her hands against his chest and shoved him away from her, resolutely ignoring the tingles zipping through her body. She raised her chin.

"It was the Chaos slime."

He laughed. “The demon made you do it? Please. Give yourself a little credit. You resisted the master. You resisted Drac. And a little Chaos slime makes you run willy-nilly into my arms? Right. And the Easter Bunny exists and, by the way, little girl, Santa doesn’t bring any goodies to the kiddies who lie.”

"I'm not lying. The slime did something to me."

"You are lying. To me, to your Scoobies, but most importantly, you're lying to yourself."

"My God, you have a colossal ego."

"Ask yourself this...what kind of person in the throes of a purely Chaos-induced insanity takes the time to call her sister and makes sure she's taken care of? Or continues to do her job, fighting demons and vampires?"

"It's habit. Second nature. It's what I do."

"And coming to me...was that second nature? Why me, Buffy? Why didn't you go to some randy college boy to scratch your little itch?"

"Because..." She thought furiously and came up empty. "I don't know why. It doesn't matter why. It's over, done, and it won't ever happen again, not if a whole herd of Chaos demons slime me."

"Certain of that, are you?"

"Yes."

"Would it be so very awful?"

"Yes!"

"Why?"

"I don't even like you!"

He grimaced, clicking his tongue in distaste. “You don’t have to like me. I don’t want some tepid feeling you’d have for a pet fish or that corn-fed boy you tried to be with. I want your heat, your passion, your gut.” He smiled. "Besides, deep down, I think you are starting to like me. More importantly, you trust me. And you don't hate me anymore. It's a start."

"It's not a start. No starts. It's an end. A dead end. Going nowhere here." He raised his eyebrows at her and she sighed. "Spike, I can't ever feel the way you want me to feel."

"Can't or won't?"

"What's the difference? It's still not going to happen."

"Because you won't let it, not because it's impossible."

"Spike, get with the program here. It is impossible. It's never, ever going to happen."

He grinned. "Yeah, well, a few days ago, I would have thought having you naked in my bed was never going to happen, but happily, I was mistaken."

"Oh, God." She turned away from him and wandered over to slump dejectedly onto the side of the bed. "This is so not happening. I‘m going to wake up and find out this is some horrible, horrible nightmare. That‘s it, I‘m asleep, sound asleep having bad bad dreams."

“Oh, if those were dreams I’d say they were awfully good.”

“Oh, God.”

He hunched down on the floor before her, looking up at her with a challenging smile. "Was it not the most spectacular sex you've ever experienced?" He saw the denial springing to her lips. "Ah ah ah...tell the truth now."

She scowled. "Even if it was, it's just sex. It doesn't mean anything."

"Doesn't it?" He cocked an eyebrow at her. “Maybe if you were a ‘just sex’ kind of person, but you're not, are you?”

“I…I could be! Why not? I’ve done my share for this world, maybe I decided it was time to have some fun.”

“Ah, then you admit being with me was fun?”

“No, I don‘t! It was…” She saw that eyebrow flicker again and, her lips tightening, she admitted grudgingly, "It wasn't horrible.”

"Oh, high praise from the Slayer! I would wager you lost count of the number of orgasms you had, but it was merely 'not horrible'?"

"There's more to life than orgasms, Spike."

"Yeah, but nothing quite so fun." He grinned when she rolled her eyes, but his face quickly grew serious. "You can't tell me you feel nothing for me."

"Spike, you've helped me a lot. You've been there for Dawn, and I'm very grateful -"

"Grateful?" He drew back, scowling. "You're grateful?"

She nodded. "It makes me feel better knowing -"

He stood abruptly. "I don't want your bleeding gratitude, Buffy."

"Spike -"

"So, what, you're saying that your choice of me as your Chaos love puppy was inspired by gratitude?"

"Maybe I - "

"You're in the habit of letting men who mean nothing to you do the things I did to you, then, are you? Just as a thank you?"

"No, of cour - "

"Because, if that were the case, Xander would have benefited from all this gratefulness many times over."

"That's - "

"You know, I should have known you would be like this." He started pacing in the small area available to him, indignation in every stride. "You come to me, all wanting and needy, and what's a bloke to do, say no? And I suppose your Scoobies are heaping the blame on me for this, saying I took advantage of you, when if anyone was taken advantage of, it was me."

"What?" She jumped to her feet, staring incredulously at him.

He nodded vigorously. "That's right, that's right. I was minding my own business and you come in and toss yourself into my arms and practically force me to have sex with you."

"Oh, please, like you haven't wanted - "

He drew to his full height and looked down his nose at her. "Did you or did you not come to me?"

She crossed her arms over her chest, meeting his eyes defiantly. "Because of the slime, yes."

"And did you at any time even contemplate going to anyone else?"

Her arms dropped and a crinkle appeared between her eyes. "No, but - "

"Am I the only male you know?"

"Of course not, but - "

"But nothing. You want me, and you're hiding behind the demon to avoid admitting your true feelings."

"True feelings? The only true feelings I have for your are - are disgust and…and dislike and …and sadnessI”

“Sadness?”

“Yeah, because you're sadly mistaken if you think I'm secretly in love with you."

"I didn't say you were, did I? I was going the lust route, but we can talk about love if you'd like."

"I don't like!" She stood and tried to appear resolute. "Look, I'm sorry if what happened gave you the wrong impression - "

"What, you mean the impression that you couldn't get enough of me?"

She continued as though he had never spoken. "But you have to accept that there will never be anything more. Ever."

"You know you'll never find anyone who can be for you what I could be."

"You mean a big old thorn in my side? You're right, no one is as good at that as you are."

"You know what I mean. You'll never find someone - "

"Spike, I'm a Slayer. I'm not supposed to find someone. And you know, not really looking for anyone. Been there, done that, got the broken heart to prove it. Twice."

Realization dawned in his eyes. "So that's it." He shook his head. "You're scared."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you being scared to take a chance on love again. It's understandable; your previous choices have left quite a lot to be desired. Third time's the charm, luv." He hooked his thumbs in his belt and puffed his chest out with a grin.

"Let me understand what you're saying here. You think you're better than Angel and Riley because...why?"

"I should think it would be obvious."

"Obvious to someone as warped as you are, maybe."

He gave her a chiding look. "Be nice, pet."

She responded with arched brows.

"Okay, let's see, Soulboy was...well, face it, luv, even you must have grown heartily sick of the 'Poor me’ routine. And the no sex dealie." He shook his head. "Not for my girl at all."

She stiffened. "I'm not your girl."

"Not yet," he said softly.

"Not ever."

He gave her a smile that said he didn't believe a word of it before continuing, "And the Cub Scout...is it really even necessary to discuss him? I'm sure you tried, but you could never love him the way you're meant to love a man."

She spoke through clenched teeth. "You're wrong. I loved Riley and - "

"Then why did he leave? Why did Angel leave, for that matter?"

He watched the expressions flit across her face - confusion, pain, anger...doubt. She hardened her face.

"Maybe they left because that's just what men do."

"I don't."

"No, you I can't get rid of."

"Do you really want to?" He held up his hand before she could speak. "No, don't answer that. Wouldn't want you saying something you might regret later. When you come out of this delusional denial phase you're going through."

She groaned in frustration. "Spike, I'm not denying anything! Why can't you understand that?"

Without a word, he slowly stalked forward to stand in front of her, his body almost touching hers, simply letting her absorb his proximity. She stiffened as he raised one hand, but held her ground, not wanting him to see that he affected her in any way. He trailed one finger down the vein throbbing in her neck.

"I suppose it's anger making your pulse race?"

She jerked away. "Yes. It is."

His eyes fell to her chest. "And annoyance is making your breath come so fast?"

She held her breath and nodded.

He stepped closer, lowering his head and inhaling deeply through his nose. "And that must be pure disgust that's getting you so aroused."

Her eyes widened. "I'm not - "

His brows rose.

She lifted her chin. "Well, like I said, it doesn't mean anything."

He held her gaze for a long, tense moment, then with a brisk nod, he smiled and backed away.

"Suit yourself."

She watched him turn and head towards the door, somewhat surprised but still relieved that he was giving up so easily. The relief was short-lived as he turned in the doorway to face her.

"Just a little something while you're lying in bed not thinking of me...I'm not like them. Remember that."

"Like I could forget."

His eyes, solemn, earnest, met her defensive ones. "I would never leave you, Buffy. Not ever."

Some indefinable emotion filled her eyes before she masked them and turned away from him. Spike waited, but realizing she wasn't quite prepared to acknowledge the truth of his words, he sighed and nodded.

"You know where to find me. When you're ready."

Buffy whirled around. "I won't - "

Her words came to an abrupt halt when she found him gone. With a soft sigh, she sank onto the end of her bed and stared sightlessly at the empty doorway.

~*~*~*~*~*

Part 7 - Something Wicked

"I wouldn't go in there."

Xander looked in surprise from the closed door of the Magic Box's training room to Anya, who was dusting the shelf of Egyptian ritual statuettes.

"Why not?"

"Buffy's not in a company mood. You know, the way I get if we go more than two days without orgasms? That's how she is." She picked up a figurine and swept the feather duster under it. "It's been five days for her. I'm sure her Slayer hormones are ready to explode."

"Buffy's gone longer than that without orgasms." Horror crossed his face. "I'm discussing women's orgasms! You've done it. You've turned me into a woman."

Ignoring Xander's outburst, Anya moved on to the next shelf in her dusting. "Buffy was never with a supernaturally enhanced man who can give orgasms for twenty-four hours straight. She's bound to miss it. Besides, I think she likes Spike."

Xander’s mouth fell open. "Since when?"

"Since she came back. Since he's been all good guy protector. Since he's a man and she's a woman. Since sparks practically fly out of them whenever they're within ten feet of each other."

"Sparks? I've seen no sparks. You're imagining sparkage. You're talking the crazy talk, woman."

"Yes, and Buffy had sex with Spike because there were no other men in Sunnydale she could have had orgasms with. That must be the only logical explanation." She sent him a look that clearly said he was blind. "I spent a thousand years following unfaithful men around. I know how to spot sparks."

He sent a considering glance towards the training room. "And now she's...?"

"In denial," Anya said with a brisk nod. "And not very happy about it. I know we're going to have to replace some of the equipment in there."

"I gotta talk to her." He marched over to the door, took a deep, fortifying breath and stated grimly, "I'm going in."

"Xander, wait!"

He turned to find Anya hurrying towards him with a long, heavy sword. She hefted it up to hand it to him. "Just in case."

He shook his head. "I'm not going to need that."

From inside the training room, they heard a sharp, angry grunt from Buffy followed by the crashing sound of something breaking into pieces. Xander grabbed the sword and held it before him.

"Just in case."

He opened the door and peered around the edge, easing his way into the training room when he saw Buffy at the other end slashing the air with a pair of lethal looking daggers. He took two steps into the room and froze when Buffy suddenly whipped towards him and, without pausing to aim, hurled one of the daggers. It slammed into the straw dummy she sometimes used for target practice, and Xander winced when he saw the hard metal protruding from the crotch of the dummy. He had the distinct feeling that Buffy's aim had been perfect, and he quickly lowered the sword to place it between the angry Slayer and his and Anya's most prized possessions. He plastered an ingratiating smile on his face.

"Hello, Buffy. My very good friend, Buffy."

She sent a hard-eyed stare his way and continued her maneuvers. "What's with the sword?"

The other dagger sailed through the air to join the first between the dummy's legs, and Xander flinched.

"Can you stop with the castration practice please?"

Buffy took two running steps then flipped in a front handspring towards the dummy, lashing out with one foot as she came upright. Xander ducked, dropping the sword and covering his head as the dummy's head came flying towards him. He glared back at Buffy, who stood with her hands on her hips.

"Is that better?" she asked with a challenging look.

He got to his feet, retrieving the dummy's head from against a wall and carrying it to fit it back on the straw shoulders.

"So, what evil thing did Ray here do to you?"

He looked around the room, spying the broken table against the wall. "And I see Mr. Table must have been in on the plot."

Buffy looked at the table and a slightly sheepish look came to her face. "It was an accident."

He nodded agreeably. "I'm sure it was."

"It was."

"I believe you."

"It just happened."

"No doubt in my mind." He waved a dismissive hand and with a carefully casual air, he bent over to lift the sword. "So...how's it going, Buff?"

"Fine." She shrugged and turned away, taking her wrist wraps out of her pocket to prepare to work on the punching bag.

"It's just, Anya has this crazy idea that this might have something to do with Spike."

He tensed as Buffy slammed her fist into the punching bag.

"She says you're...upset about the whole Spike thing."

"Why should I be upset?" Buffy grunted as she rammed her other fist into the poor punching bag. "I got slimed. I went crazy. It's over. Let's move on."

"Exactly!" Xander walked closer, taking care to keep the bag between himself and the Slayer. "No need for dwelling."

"I'm not dwelling."

Xander leaped back when one massive blow from Buffy sent the punching bag swinging towards him. He skittered back to take cover behind the straw dummy.

"Denying your feelings isn't healthy. Or safe. For anyone. As Ray here would tell you in his new eunuch’s voice."

“I’m not denying any feelings! Why does everyone keep saying that?”

With a sharp, whirl, she slammed the punching bag with a roundhouse kick. Xander jumped as the chain securing it to the ceiling snapped and the bag flew across the room, smacking into the wall and dropping to the floor with a thud. He sent a pointed glance from the bag to the Slayer.

“I don’t know, maybe it’s your sunny disposition these last few days.”

She winced and Xander cautiously moved towards her. As her fighting stance relaxed, he put his hands on her shoulders and stared with solemn intent into her eyes.

“Look, Buffy. We’re your friends and we love you. You don’t have to hide what you’re feeling from us.”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, God. You’re not going to give me another one of your ‘follow your heart and run for your love’ little pep talks, are you?”

His hands dropped and his eyes widened. “What? No!”

“Good, because, you know, that worked so well the last time, don’t you think?”

He was shaking his head vigorously. “This was going to be a ‘You were high on demon slime and slept with an evil murderous vampire but we still love you’ talk.”

She frowned. "Oh."

"You thought I was going to encourage this insanity? Are you nuts?" Suddenly the import of what she had said sank in. "Wait a minute. Let's back this cliff-bound train right up here. 'Run for your love'? What love? There's no love, right?"

"Right."

He blinked at the weak voice she used. "Can we try that again with a little conviction, please?"

"There's no love, okay?"

"I don't believe this! You...what is with you and vampires?"

"What? I said, no love. I nixed the love."

"But...you...I can see it! You're ...Oh, God, Anya's right, you're all - all - " He flapped his hands as words failed him. "For him! For Spike! That's it, you're nuts!"

She slowly unwrapped one of her wrists. "It would be nuts, wouldn't it?" she said softly.

"No, not at all." Her wide eyes flew to his and she winced when she saw him looking at her like she'd grown two extra heads - and ugly heads at that. "Of course it's nuts! He's a vampire!"

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"Case in point." He nodded and held up his fingers, ticking off points as he went along. "We have a vampire. Oh, he has a soul. He appears on the up and up, everything's fine and cozy, you fall in love and BAM! He gets a few jollies, loses his soul and all your loved ones are in danger. Do you really want to go through that again?"

"But Spike doesn't have a soul to lose." Not to mention he already got his jollies, she thought but didn't feel the need to point out.

"Even worse. There's nothing but government technology preventing him from killing." He looked beyond her to the doorway. "Willow! Will you talk some sense into this woman?"

She bounced forward with a big smile. "Sure. I'm good with the sense talk. What's not making sense?"

"She's got a - a thing for Spike." Xander waved her towards Buffy and stepped back to let her have at the Slayer with the logic and the reason.

"Yeah.” Willow looked from Xander to Buffy and back. “And…?"

"That’s it? Tell her, Will!"

"Tell her what?"

"Tell her that she's finally gone skipping around the bend."

Willow shrugged. "It's none of our business, Xander."

"What? Last year, you were all for the interventions and the talking."

"Things are different now."

"They're so the same!"

As the two discussed her possible love life, Buffy wandered to the couch and slumped into it, suddenly feeling more lost and confused than she ever had before.

"Xander, Spike's our friend now."

He backed away, holding up one stiff finger. "Oh, no, he's not."

"How can you say that? He's been one of us, fighting the good fight."

"Only because he wanted to get in Buffy's pants."

"Well, then why did he stay when she was dead? She didn't have any pants then, or - or anything to put in them anyway!"

"I don’t know, I guess he had nothing better to do."

"You saw how he was when she was gone, Xander."

Buffy suddenly sat up, alert. "How he was? What do you mean? How was he?"

Willow sat next to her. "He was pretty bad, Buffy. Not all broody like Angel, just...hurting."

Xander rolled his eyes. “We were all hurting, Willow. You don’t see Buffy sleeping with the rest of us.” The two girls shot him identical looks. “So didn’t mean that the way it sounded. And I‘ll just be outside.”

They watched him scurry out of the room, and Willow took a deep breath before speaking.

“So, Buffy…”

Buffy jumped to her feet. “Forget it, Willow.”

“But - “

Buffy spun around to face her. “No buts. Nothing’s going to happen here.”

“Why not, Buffy? If you feel - “

“I don’t feel! There’s nothing to feel. I can‘t…” Buffy snapped her mouth shut and abruptly turned away, folding her arms tightly across her chest.

“Can’t what, Buffy?” Willow rose to peer into her friend’s face. “Can’t love Spike? Or can’t love anyone?”

“I can love! The spirit guide said I was full of love. That’s me, brimming with the love.” Her eyes widened. "Just not for Spike, of course."

"Why not?"

"I don’t know, I guess I like it when my men haven't ever tried to kill me."

“What about Angel?” Willow asked quietly.

“That’s not fair, Willow. Angel couldn’t help what Angelus did. Angel would never hurt me.”

“And you think Spike would?”

“We don’t know, do we? We’ll never know, not until it’s too late. Say I get involved with him, maybe even somewhere down the road - far down the road - I start to care and then he gets the chip out or - or it malfunctions or the battery runs out and it’s Angelus all over. I won't go through that again, Willow."

"There's one big difference."

"Yeah, it‘s called a soul."

"Spike loves you, Buffy. Even without a soul."

"He didn't until he got the chip, did he? How do we know the chip isn't what's making him think he loves me?"

"Okay, true, we don’t know exactly how the chip works. But I really think he cares about you, and Dawn, and I just can't see him hurting any of us."

“Well, I couldn’t have seen Angel going evil or Riley letting vamps bite him, but that just goes to show the wonderful effect I seem to have on men.”

“Buffy, you don’t…you‘re not thinking those things were your fault, are you? Because they weren’t.”

“Are you sure about that, Will? Maybe it’s just another quirky thing about being a Slayer. Can’t have the Slayer distracted, so let’s make her so that she literally can’t be with anyone.”

“You don’t believe that.” Willow’s brow crinkled as Buffy shrugged and turned away. “You can’t believe that, Buffy. It - it’s just not right.”

“The alternative is that there’s just something about me that makes men leave. Somehow, I’m thinking I like the No Love for Slayers idea.”

“You think you‘re the first woman who‘s ever had a man leave? Hey, been there myself, you know. At least Spike doesn’t seem to be a leaver. He stayed with Drusilla for over a hundred years.”

“And color me thrilled to follow in her footsteps.” Her nose wrinkled. "Not to mention Harmony. Ugh. Should I take this as yet another "This is so wrong" sign? I think so."

"Buffy - "

Buffy avoided the concern in Willow's eyes and gave her a falsely bright smile. "You know what? I think I'm going to go patrolling. You know, kick some demon ass, clear my head."

Willow nodded. "Sounds like a good idea. We can talk later, right?"

Not in a million years. "Right."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy grunted as the huge slobbering demon lifted her off her feet and slammed her against a tree. She managed to thrust one hand against its throat, holding his snarling snout with its wickedly sharp teeth at bay. Her feet dangled three feet off the ground for just a moment until she set her back against the tree and planted both feet in the creature's stomach and shoved. He stumbled back and went down, carrying her with him.

Struggling to avoid his grasping claws, Buffy rolled her eyes at the spittle seeping from the demon’s growling mouth.

“You know, really longing for the days when I just fought nice, non-drooly demons.”

The demon spoke in a low howl and snapped at her face, and Buffy grimaced in distaste at the foul smell coming from its mouth.

“And you might want to check into some breath mints. Trust me on this.”

With a sharp grunt, she blocked one of its swiping claws and rammed her fist into its snout. With a roar of pain, the beast backhanded her, flinging her off of him, and Buffy flew through the air, thudding abruptly into a large marble headstone. She immediately rose into a crouched, ready position and took the demon’s full weight as it crashed into her. She pummeled the creature, jabbing it in the throat and any soft, vulnerable spot she could find. She smiled grimly, feeling the demon tire, and she was just going for the killing blow when a black figure came hurtling out of the darkness. She cried out as she was knocked to the ground and frowned to see the battle end as Spike plunged a large dagger into the demon’s chest.

Spike wiped his blade on the demon’s tattered shirt and turned to smile proudly at her.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

He sighed and walked over, extending one hand to help her to her feet. "Sorry, luv. Next time I'll just let the horrible monster have you for dinner."

She ignored his hand, getting to her feet by herself and dusting off the back of her pants.

"I had everything under control. And the only horrible monster I have to worry about is you."

He stiffened, his hand dropping back to his side. He leaned down to grab the brown bag he'd dropped to help her, and giving her a stiff nod, he turned away without another word.

Buffy stared after him, her conscience prickling her at the flash of surprised hurt she had seen in his eyes when she called him a monster. Part of her argued fiercely for letting him walk away, letting this whole thing be over once and for all, but another part kept remembering the times he had helped her, the ways he had risked his life for her and Dawn, all the little things he had done to prove he wasn't the monster he had been.

She heaved a sigh and called, "Spike, wait."

He ground to a halt and slowly turned, his face hard and closed. She walked forward, holding his eyes with hers. "I'm sorry. I - I didn't mean that."

His expression never changed. "Didn't you?"

“No. Just, you know, habit girl there.”

He gave her a long look and quirked one black brow. “Feel better now?”

She stared at him, baffled by this calm, rational Spike.

With a short shake of his head, he indicated the bag in his arms. "Got some blood I need to keep cold. Good night, Slayer."

Buffy's mouth fell open as he turned away from her. "That's it?”

He continued towards his crypt, not even looking at her as he said, "I could stay for another rousing round of Spike abuse, but I'm just not in the mood. Catch me later."

He tossed a two-finger wave in the air and disappeared around a large headstone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike shoved the door of his crypt open with a tad more force than was strictly necessary, enjoying the crash it made, wishing he could crack a few heads as easily, preferably hers. The girl could use a bit of sense knocked into her.

He pulled a couple of packs of smokes out of the brown bag and dropped them onto the table next to his chair then carried the bag to the refrigerator. He had placed one tub of pig’s blood onto the nearly bare shelf and was reaching for the other tub when he heard the door open behind him.

“Spike? Is everything okay? I heard a crash.”

He paused, closing his eyes for one fortifying moment, then took a deep breath, unhurriedly put the other tub away, and closed the refrigerator door. When he turned, his face was carefully controlled into a sardonic smile.

“Why, Slayer, I’m touched by your concern.”

She shifted from foot to foot, staring as he crossed to his chair and slumped into it, before she finally burst out, “What is wrong with you? I said I was sorry.”

He picked up a pack of cigarettes and began to unwrap it. “That you did. Conscience appeased. All’s right with the world.”

Her hands clenched at her sides as she ground out, “What do you want from me?”

His hands stilled on the small pack. His eyes rose slowly to meet hers. “You know what I want.”

Her eyes dropped and she crossed her arms over her chest. “You can’t have that. Why can‘t you understand that? It’ll never happen.”

“And as always, you amaze me with your capacity for denial.”

“Look. If you can’t accept the way things are, then…”

“Then what?”

“Then you have to stay away. From me.”

“Let me remind you that you are the one who came barging into my home. Again.” A slow smile came to his lips, but didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You want to be careful. A fellow could start thinking you’re the one can‘t stay away.”

“Don’t bet on it.” She pressed her lips together and heaved a weary sigh. “And I want you to stay away from Dawn too. She’s been through enough already.”

Spike surged to his feet, striding angrily towards the Slayer. “Don’t you dare bring the Little Bit into this. You know I’d never hurt her, not ever. You know it.”

“You wouldn’t mean to, but what happens if you never get what you want form me? You leave, she loses someone else she cares about and I don’t want to put her through that.”

“So, instead you teach her the Buffy Summers way of life…don’t get too attached, Dawn, they might leave. Don’t get too close, don’t ever feel too much, because you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache and pain that way. You spend your life afraid to take a chance, you‘ll never get hurt.”

“I take chances! What, you think there’s something warped in me that I’m not going to take a chance on a vampire who’s spent the better part of the last four years trying to kill me? Wow, silly me.”

“You forgave Angel. Why can’t you forgive me?”

“Because Angel isn’t responsible for what Angelus did.”

“Oh, isn’t he?” He backed away from her and sank into his chair again, smiling derisively as he pulled a cigarette from its pack. “So, he gets a soul and all past nasties are wiped clean. Whereas I have chosen to help you and fight against my kind, but without that little soul, I‘m deemed to be worthless. Nifty thing, a soul. ”

“You didn’t choose to help me! You were forced to by the chip.”

“I was forced to by love, you silly twit.“ He flicked the unlit cigarette onto the table and pinned her with a hard stare. "I can't harm humans physically, but there's a load of evil I could be up to, and I choose not to. Yet still I have to pay for everything Angelus did to you. He couldn't love you without his soul, and you won't trust me to really love you without mine. Because if you let yourself believe in my love, then you have to face the idea that maybe Angel just couldn't love you enough to stay. And naturally, you'd think that means there's something wrong with you, instead of realizing that it was something wrong with him."

"God, you know, this is crazy. This has absolutely nothing to do with Angel."

"It has everything to do with Angel. And Finn. And your father. Every bloody man you trusted who left you.”

She was shaking her head before he finished speaking. “This is ridiculous. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Right. Of course not.”

She heaved a frustrated sigh and looked heavenward. “Why the hell am I even talking about this?”

“Now that’s a question you’ll never answer honestly.”

She made a sound that came very close to a growl and stormed towards the door.

“Oh, that’s right, little girl. Run away from the scary vampire.”

Spike slumped deeper into the chair and again reached for a cigarette, needing something, anything to stop himself from leaping up and grabbing her to try to force her to stay. He flicked it to flame and suddenly realized he hadn’t heard her leave. He let the light go out and angled his body to look towards the entrance of the crypt to see Buffy standing there with with one hand on the door.

“What’s the matter, Slayer? Feeling the need to get one more dig in?”

“Spike?” Her voice was small, soft.

He frowned. “What?”

"Things have been going so well since I came back. Can't it be the way it was before?"

He rose and slowly moved to stand behind her. "No, it can't."

She turned around and leaned back against the door, looking up at him in a way that, if it were anyone else but the Slayer, he would have called pleading.

“Why not?”

"Because now I know what it feels like to be with you, to have you in my life, in my bed, and I can't go back. I can’t pretend it never happened. I won‘t pretend it never happened. You had your chance, I kept my distance before. Not now.”

“But you can be part of my life. Just not…like that.”

“ ‘Like that’ is all there can be for us, luv. You made it that way when you came to me.” He raised his hand and trailed one finger down her cheek, smiling at the small catch he heard in her throat. “I’ve felt your passion. I’ve held you in my arms. I’ve tasted you, slept with you. I won’t go back to being your tame little pet vampire.”

Buffy planted both hands in his chest and shoved him away from her.

“You’re not my pet anything.”

He chuckled low in his throat. “Oh, but you‘d like me to be, wouldn‘t you?”

“God, will you please stop that? You have to let this go. Can‘t we - can‘t we be friends? I don’t have so many friends that I couldn‘t use another one, and you‘re not exactly with the overwhelming social life.”

“Friends?” he scoffed. “Oh, right, let’s be pals. And we’ll go shopping together and paint each other’s nails and you can tell me all about the new men in your life. How heartwarming. I, for one, can‘t wait.”

“Forget I mentioned it.”

Casting a scathing glance his way, Buffy whirled around to pull the door open. She paused when his voice came to her, low yet forceful.

“I’m in love with you, Buffy. I can’t just ignore that. And no matter how much you fight it, I know you feel something for me as well.”

“Why…” Her voice cracked the tiniest bit and she stopped, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.

“Why what?”

“Why do you love me?”

With a weary sigh, he hopped up onto the sarcophagus . "Believe me, I often wish I didn‘t."

"That's not an answer."

She wandered over to the stone bench and sat. Her butt no sooner hit the cold stone than she remembered that they had had sex there and she hopped up again. She looked around, but pretty much everything in the crypt screamed a reminder. So can't come here anymore. She settled for standing in the middle of the crypt with her arms crossed protectively over her chest and giving him an inquiring look.

"What do you want, a list of soft and fuzzy things about you I just adore? It doesn't work that way."

"There should be something, some reason. You know, if someone asked you, you'd be able to say, yes, I love this about her. And this really makes me smile. And - and -"

"Why did you love Angel?"

"God, can you just forget about Angel?"

"Love to, pet. Still, answer the question. Why did you love him? And don't tell me his sparkling personality or blazing wit, because that tripe won't fly."

“Because he was good.” She ignored his derisive snort. “Because he…he…I…It’s not something you can just explain, Spike.”

“Exactly my point.”

“But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t tell you things about Angel that I loved.”

“On second thought, spare me.”

She continued as though he hadn’t spoken. “So, you should be able to…” Her voice trailed off and she rolled her eyes. “God, what am I saying? A year ago, you were still trying to kill me. How can you go from that to thinking you love me?”

“I don’t think I love you, I know I do. And it’s not such a great leap, you know.”

“Ohh-kay, maybe not in your world, but in mine, you don’t kill those you love.” A stricken look crossed her face. “Except, you know, when you have to to save the world.” Her face hardened with resolve. "Which I'd do again if I had to."

"Well, then, since you're so sure you don't love me, you don't have to worry about that, now do you?"

He smiled as she rolled her eyes again. He slid off the sarcophagus and approached her in a languid stroll.

"In fact, since you don't think you can ever love me - me being so wrong for you and all - what could you possibly have to lose by being with me? You want me, you can't deny that. Why not do yourself a favor and let yourself have what you want?"

"And you really think that's you?"

His reply was a slow, sensual smile that sent tingles all along her nerve endings. She shook her head and looked down with a sigh.

"Spike, all I've ever really wanted is something resembling a normal life."

"We could resemble normal."

"In what demented universe would we be normal?"

"I don't know, maybe the one where people live on a Hellmouth and don't know each day if they will survive into the next?" He stepped closer. "Where you have to snatch any bit of happiness you can before it's snatched from you? The one where you stop trying to be something you're not and enjoy what you are?"

She raised her eyebrows. “Okay, a vamp who wants me to enjoy being a Slayer. There’s a switch.”

“I was talking about being a passionate, sensual woman. There‘s more to you than being a Slayer.”

She stiffened as he inched nearer. “I enjoy being a woman.”

He cocked his head to the side as his eyes swept leisurely down what he could see of her body at such close quarters. “Oh, I enjoyed it too.” He leaned closer, brushing his lips across the curve of her neck before saying quietly in her ear, “Every time.”

Her lips parted on a soft intake of air as his lips skimmed across her jaw line. Her eyes drifted shut and, seemingly of its own volition, her mouth turned to meet his. Feeling her acceptance, Spike moaned low in his throat and pulled her closer, and five days of longing went into his kiss. Before she knew it, Buffy found her arms wrapping tightly around his neck, her mouth opening to his, her tongue meeting his, and oh, God, it felt just as good as it had before. She felt his hands settle on her hips, pressing her body into his and she felt an answering flood of warmth between her legs as she felt how quickly he had become aroused.

A small, desperate sound caught in her throat and she wrenched herself away from him and stepped back several feet, staring at him wide-eyed and trying to pretend she really wasn‘t panting.

After one startled look at her panicked face, Spike rolled his eyes. “Oh, bloody hell.” He stepped forward, stopping when she retreated. With a wry shake of his head, he added, “I didn’t think you could let yourself go without the excuse of the slime.”

"This is all happening way way too fast."

"It's already happened, luv. Too late to worry about that now."

"No, it's not too late. I can't just...just..."

"Just take pleasure in what we have without worrying about what it all means?"

"No, I can't. It has to mean something more than...this, whatever this is."

He gave her a long, considering look then sighed. "So, what, then? You want hearts and flowers and love sonnets whispered in your ear? That'll suddenly make it more acceptable to you? That‘s not us, luv."

“No, we’re all about fighting.”

He grinned. “That’s not all we’re about.” He caught his lower lip between his teeth with a naughty flick of his eyebrows.

She rolled her eyes, huffing an exasperated breath of air. “Spike, do you realize we’ve never had so much as one conversation that I would classify as friendly, much less…” She paused, struggling to find a word to describe their current relationship. Such a word so didn’t exist. “…more than friendly?”

“You want conversation from me? Right.” A world of skepticism could be found in his voice.

“I want…” She frowned, and suddenly the amused little quirk of that scarred eyebrow was the last straw. “You know what? I do want conversation, and - and what the hell’s wrong with flowers?”

He opened his mouth to speak, but she advanced on him before a sound could emerge.

“People who care about each other talk and…and ask each other questions. They find out each other’s favorite color and favorite movie and favorite food.”

As she neared him, Spike leaned slightly backwards, enjoying the show as the words poured from her.

“You find out what the other person likes and dislikes. You find out what makes that person smile and what pisses them off. You wonder how the other person’s day went and if they thought about you while you were apart. You talk. You listen. It‘s not. All. About. Sex.” She punctuated the last words with a stiff finger in his chest.

Spike grabbed her hand and carried it to his mouth, hiding his smile in the palm of her hand as he deftly pressed a kiss there.

“We can talk.”

She jerked her hand half-heartedly, but he held on, his lips moving to her poking finger, and he sucked lightly on the very tip.

“I can listen.”

His eyes smiled into Buffy’s as he placed her hand on his neck, putting his other arm around her waist to pull her closer.

“I know very well what makes you angry. In fact, I head the list.”

“Exact-”

His stopped her words with his mouth on hers, kissing the thought away. He lifted his mouth when he felt her fingers curl into the hair at the nape of his neck. She gulped in air, and he took the opportunity to nibble on her neck, whispering softly to her as he did.

“I also know what makes you moan. I especially like that little whimper you do when - “

“Oh, God!”

She pushed against him, wriggling her way out of his arms and staring accusingly at him.

“See, it’s all about the sex for you, isn’t it?”

“All about sex for me, is it? I've told you how I feel about you, Buffy, but you can't even admit you like me. I do think about you when we’re’ apart, every bleedin’ minute you‘re not with me. I’ve seen what makes you smile, what makes you sad. But I don’t know your favorite movie or favorite food or favorite anything because you won’t let me into your life.”

“I - “

“And you want to talk? Ask me a bloody question! Seems like you’re the one who needs to get to know me.”

“And what if I don’t like you once I get to know you?”

He tucked his thumbs in his belt with a cocky grin. “Not bloody likely, luv.”

She turned away with a frustrated groan, but Spike quickly stepped around her, taking her upper arms into his hands and holding her still. "We'll never have a simple, easy relationship. We're too passionate for that. It'll always be hot and strong and wild. And if you’d stop looking for ‘normal’ or ‘safe’ or ‘easy’, you’d see that we could be the best thing you’ve ever known.”

“Or it could be the biggest mist-”

Not caring to hear the rest of that thought, he jerked her to him and took her mouth with his. Buffy stiffened, and Spike immediately softened the kiss, coaxing, beseeching a response from her. She pulled back long enough to take a much needed breath of air and then she melted against him. His hands traveled up her arms to bury themselves in her hair, holding her head as he deepened the kiss, stroking her tongue with his, tasting her, letting her taste him. Stepping in even closer to him, Buffy slid her hands inside his coat and around his back, holding onto him as the sensations took her.

But it wasn’t enough.

A tiny whimper sounded in her throat, and her hands grabbed at his shirt, pulling it up, out of his jeans, needing to touch him, to feel his skin against hers. He groaned, his hands falling away from her head so he could shrug out of his coat, and he stopped kissing her just long enough to rip his shirt over his head. His lips immediately returned to hers and his hands began to tug on her shirt.

Buffy pulled her mouth from his. “Spike…“

She inhaled sharply as his hand settled on her breast. His mouth blindly sought hers, and she turned her head quickly to the side.

“No, wait…”

Spike felt Buffy’s hands rest on his, but it took a moment for him to realize that she was struggling against him rather than trying to help him. With an agonized groan, he released her and stepped back.

“What the bloody hell is it now?”

Breathles, she held up one hand, index finger raised. “No - no sex.”

“No sex? What the hell does that mean?”

“It means…“ She took a deep breath. “It means…if we’re going to give this totally insane thing a chance, then no sex. We have to get to know each other first.”

“First? Isn’t that a bit like locking the safe after the thief has already nicked the goods?”

“No, because the thief didn’t get all the goods, there are more goods and we have to make sure the goods are safe.” She blinked. “And so not liking this analogy now. All I mean is…if all we have is sex - .”

“Mind-blowingly great sex.”

She couldn‘t in all honesty refute that. “If all we have is that, then that’s not enough.”

“So, what then? I‘m supposed to come courting, flowers in hand, and we‘ll sit on your porch and sip tea and talk about the weather?”

“Would that be so awful?”

“When we could be here sharing so much more than a porch swing and rain predictions? Yeah, it would.” He saw the storm gathering on her face and swiftly backtracked. “But, if that’s how you want it. Far be it from me to turn down a good batch of small talk.”

She shook her head with a weary sigh. “This is never going to work.”

“Yes. It will. But not if you impose unnatural restrictions on it.”

“Going without sex is unnatural?”

“For us? Now? I think so.” He held up one hand to stay her objections. “All I’m saying is that I’m not going to turn into some schoolboy suitor for your hand. We should continue as we have been, maybe patrol together more without the Scoobies.”

“Yeah, except fighting just turns you on.”

“Doing anything with you turns me on, luv.”

Her eyes dropped below his belt and widened. He just shrugged when they flashed back to his.

“Or we could just stay in here, watching the telly and doing this talking you seem to prize so much.” He raised one hand to cup her cheek, and he smiled, his tone softening. “And you can ask me anything your heart desires. And tell me anything.”

She shook her head. “No, not here.”

A slow smile cross his face. “Afraid you’ll be tempted?”

She avoided his eyes, as well as avoiding a completely truthful answer to that question. “I just think more neutral ground would be better. Like, starting now.”

He watched her scamper out of the crypt, and with a broad grin, he grabbed his shirt and coat and followed her. He caught up with her about ten yards from the crypt. She gave him a sidelong glance and then stared straight ahead. His grin widened as he reached down to take her hand in his, eliciting another glance from her.

He sent her a mock concerned look. “Hand-holding doesn’t violate the No Sex Rule, does it?”

She rolled her eyes. “No.”

He stopped walking, tugging on her hand to make her stop as well, then drawing her towards him. “What about kissing?”

“I don’t think…”

“Don’t think.” He kissed her, a long, languorous kiss that left both of them panting. He leaned his forehead against hers. “So, kissing?”

“Is good.” Her eyes popped open. “But just kissing. With clothes on. Standing. Outside. No. Sex.”

“Right.” He nibbled gently on her stubborn lower lip, which caused another round of kissing. “And I’ve thought about it. The sex thing…I can wait.”

She frowned skeptically. “You can?”

“Yeah, I can.”

He lowered his head, fluttering his lips across the vein pulsing wildly in her neck, listening to her heart pound forcefully in her chest, and took a deep breath of the aroused scent of her. He raised his head with a wicked grin.

“I can wait…as long as you can."

The End