Chapter 12:

Interlude

Sometime after midnight, there was a tap on Dawn's hotel room door. She stopped pacing and dashed over to yank the door open. "Well?" she demanded. "Did you find her? Is she OK?"

"Yes, we found her. She's fine. She should be here in about ten minutes."

"Where was she? I'm gonna kill her. She's not supposed to do stuff like this."

"Actually, she was at, er, at Circus Circus playing carnival games. She sounded rather odd on the phone. I'd take it easy on her, Dawn. I fear she's at the breaking point, what with the business of Sunnydale and the shock of seeing Sp-- William."

Dawn tilted her head and looked at Giles, much the way Spike would have. "IS he Spike? I haven't had a chance to ask you yet. I told Buffy that when I hugged him, it felt like Spike's body, but that he wasn't in there. What do you think? Is it possible? And how do we get him back the way he was?"

"I'll do some further investigating in a couple of weeks, when we get home," Giles responded as he wiped his lenses on his handkerchief. "I have called Wesley to see what he could find in the database, but for the moment, I would have to say that he is NOT Spike. Because of the startling resemblance and the fact that he's from England, I'd have to say they probably share some lineage though."

"You mean like that old show, what was it? Patty Duke! Identical cousins. Only instead of at the same time, over a hundred years apart."

"Well, something like that, I suppose, yes."

"Wait a minute. Home in a couple of weeks? What do you mean? It's only a few days to drive home from here."

"Oh, that, yes, well," Giles began cleaning his glasses yet again, "we thought we'd take a bit of an extended trip. We all need a vacation and William wanted to see quite a few things that were just a bit out of the way."

"We who? You and Xander? And what do you think Buffy's gonna say? She's not gonna like this, Giles."

"Not going to like what, Dawn?" Buffy asked as she came through the door. She was dry eyed and calm. She didn't have much to say to either of them about extending their trip. She just nodded, said good night and went off to bed. Giles and Dawn looked at each other helplessly and decided it was probably best if they, too, got some sleep. The next day was going to be quite busy.

Early in the morning, the girls all went on a shopping expedition. Faith surprised herself by having fun being pampered in preparation for her wedding -- an event she never thought she'd be part of. They even took her to a salon and had her hair and makeup done. Through all of it, Buffy was almost disturbingly calm. Dawn and Willow kept exchanging looks and shrugging. They were both afraid to say anything for fear it would destroy the equilibrium Buffy seemed to have found. At last, it was time to head for the chapel.

Everyone was in position and the music began. As the justice of the peace started to speak, Buffy's eyes went out of focus and she pictured herself in Faith's place. Then she heard the words "'til death do you part" and the illusion shattered. Spike was already dead. He'd been dead when she met him. And now he was gone. She took a deep breath, pushed the pain deep inside and pasted a smile on her face. She hugged Faith and Robin and went through the motions of enjoying the party the male members of their little group had put together while the girls had been shopping and primping. At last, the happy couple headed for their suite and the others all retired to their rooms for the night.

Tomorrow it would be time to get back on the road.

Chapter 13:

The Long Way Home, Part 2

The morning after the wedding dawned clear, bright and hot. Faith and Robin joined the group for breakfast to bid them farewell. It all passed in a blur for Buffy. At last, the six remaining pilgrims were back on the road.

Buffy only halfway paid attention to the animated conversations of the others as the miles of scenery flew past the windows. She knew they stopped for lunch -- somewhere. She knew she ate -- something. None of it really mattered. Each time they stopped for one of the sights William had on his list, Buffy got out of the van and oohed and ahhed along with the others. She felt almost the way she had all those years ago when they had brought her back. She was numb -- just going through the motions. But this time, there wouldn't be anyone to help her learn to feel again. She was going to have to do that on her own.

From Vegas, they had gone to the Grand Canyon, and from there on to Denver, by way of what felt to Buffy like every state park in the country. It was all beautiful, but she just didn't really care. A few days ago, they had been in St. Louis and as she looked down from the Arch, she remembered jumping off the tower. She still couldn't remember much about her time in Heaven, but the look in Spike's eyes as she cam down the stairs the night they brought her back would be close enough to Heaven for her now.

They pulled into Nashville at dusk and stopped for dinner before finding a place to stay. At Graceland the next day, Buffy kept hearing Spike singing "My Way" along with the Sex Pistols in her head. After the tour, and stopping at virtually every souvenir shop they passed along the way, William at last seemed to have had his fill of Elvis, and they headed back to the van to return to the hotel. She was startled from her reverie when William picked up the refrain that had been in her thoughts all day. She turned to look at him with her mouth hanging open. He trailed off into silence and looked back sheepishly. "Sorry. Eighties punk. It's something of a hobby of mine. Didn't mean to disturb."

"That's ok. Really. Believe it or not, it's exactly what I was hearing in my head. It's of the good." She smiled. He tilted his head, cocked his eyebrow and looked at her pensively for a moment before smiling back.

Two days later, Buffy breathed a sigh of relief as the exits for Cleveland loomed ahead. Almost home. They'd be dropping William off to pick up his rental car the next morning and continue with his American adventure on his own. He had just slid into their group as though he'd always been there. Buffy barely even noticed him anymore. Apart from a few isolated incidents, she could no longer see why she had thought this insipid, mousy English professor was her Spike, and she was grateful that their time together was ending. Spike had been so exciting and dangerous, and he'd taken such delight in pitting the friends against each other or poking fun at one of them every chance he got. William seemed to go out of his way to make sure he never stepped on toes, literally and figuratively. Buffy sighed. She was bored. Ready to get home. Back to patrolling. Back to normal.The little reminders, though few and far between, were like daggers twisting in her heart.

They pulled into the driveway shortly after 11 that night. It had been almost two weeks and Buffy thought she'd scream if she had to face another landmark or museum or tacky tourist attraction. Home looked so good. She unlocked the door as the others were unpacking the van. "Guys, I'm just gonna run down to the convenience store for some breakfast-y stuff for the morning. I'll be back in a bit."

Giles looked over. "Oh, all right, that sounds marvelous. Did you want me to drive you? Can you manage?"

"I'll be fine, Giles." She stared at him trying to convey what she really meant with her eyes. Willow, Xander and Dawn looked at each other.

"Want some help, Buff? I'll just put this stuff in the house and then tag along if you like," Xander offered. He wasn't sure letting her go patrolling alone after they'd been gone so long was such a great idea. There'd been enough time for new vamps in town to set up nests that would be hard to take on solo. And she hadn't been training at all since they had left for Sunnydale.

"No, I'll be fine. Back in a bit. Really."

"Well, all right then, but be careful." Giles, Xander, Willow and Dawn watched as she waved and headed for the cemetary. William looked at the group, then turned to watch Buffy as well.

"Is the convenience store in a bad area or something? You all look so worried."

"Hmmm? Oh, no. I just thought perhaps she'd like to get inside, unpack, you know, that sort of thing, before she--" Xander handed another package from the van to Giles to interrupt him before he unintentionally revealed something that none of them felt William was prepared to know.

Giles looked down and rolled his eyes, completely distracted. "Dawn, is this yours? What do you think Buffy will say?"

Dawn ducked her head and retrieved the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign from the exasperated Watcher. "I just thought we should have it. I mean, there isn't really anyone else left that would appreciate it, is there? And it was just laying there, at the edge of the hole, under some rocks. I think it's the real one. The one Spike ran over. It's kind of a part of him, you know?" She looked up with tears in her eyes and Giles pulled her into a hug.

"Yes, you're probably right. No one else would appreciate it, would they? Just keep it out of Buffy's sight for awhile. I'm not sure she's ready for that just yet. All right?"

"OK. I'll go put it away, and then I'm headed for bed. I'm beat."

"I think we're all quite ready for some rest. It's been a very eventful couple of weeks."

Two hours later, Buffy sighed with relief as she slipped through the door. The house was dark and quiet. She put the milk and eggs into the refrigerator and headed for her room. She got undressed and ready for bed and slipped between the sheets. She reached out to touch Spike's face in the picture on her nightstand. *Good night, Spike. And goodbye. I'll always love you.*

D'Hoffryn smiled. "Not quite the man you hoped for, is he Slayer? A little dull, eh?" He chuckled to himself and sat back to watch.

Chapter 14:

School Days

"Wow, look at you, all College Girl. Mom'd be so proud." Buffy stood in the kitchen doorway watching Dawn put on her backpack and readjust the straps.

She grinned back at Buffy, "I'm so excited. My first day! You're the best, Buffy. Thank you so much for letting me do this."

"You've worked hard. You deserve it. You'll do great, I know it." She walked over and untwisted one of the straps, then gave Dawn a hug.

"Do you ever regret not finishing college, Buffy? You could come back with me. That'd be so cool. We could take classes together and study for exams together and help each other with papers and..."

"Whoa! Whoa! Stop! I'm good. I admit that for awhile it was a sore subject, but not anymore. I wouldn't know what to take. It's not like you can major in Slayer, you know. I have enough to keep me busy without homework too. No, you go, you learn. Have fun."

Willow called from her room, "Dawn, you ready? We need to go so we're not late." She hurried into the room to see the two sisters smiling at each other. "Oh, Buffy, hi! Um... we gotta go. Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, sure, good. Just seeing Dawn off on her first day."

"Cool." She turned to Dawn, "Ready?"

Dawn grinned and bounced a little, "Yup! Let's go. Bye, Buffy. See you tonight for dinner."

"Bye, have a good day, you guys." Buffy followed them to the door and watched as they got in the car and backed out of the driveway. As Willow put the car in drive, they waved and Buffy waved back. She dropped her hand to her side and watched until long after they were out of sight.

"Kids off to their first day of school?" Xander asked as he put his arm across Buffy's shoulders and looked down the street.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. It's great that they can carpool. It's too far for Dawn alone, you know?"

"Yeah. You ok, Buffy?" He searched her eyes not knowing exactly what he was looking for.

"Yeah. Actually, I'm good. Life is pretty ok right now. No Big Bads on the horizon. Bills are paid. Dawn is doing well. Hey, Willow even has a date this weekend. So, yeah, I'm good."

"You know, that's something I wanted to talk to you about. I, um, have a date this weekend too. With Mrs. Travis... Tina."

"Really? That's great, Xan. I like her. It's too bad she lost her husband so young. That must have been hard. But she's a nice lady and I think you two would be terrific together. You have big plans?"

"Not exactly. She's making dinner for me. But that wasn't the point. My point was that Willow has a date, I have a date, Dawn has a boyfriend. Heck, even Giles is dating that new professor they hired. When are you going to, ya know, get out there with the rest of us?"

"ME? Oh no, not me. I'm the one who stays home and cleans up the mess remember? Relationships and Buffy are like driving and Buffy. Not mix-y things."

"You don't know what you're missing, Buff. The anxiety, the whole foot in the mouth thing. Ah, dating, the endless opportunities for embarrassment."

Buffy turned and pushed Xander toward the workshop. "No, thanks. Now get to work. I have things to do."

The days blended together in a pleasant blur. Dawn had adjusted very well to college life after the first month of classes. She was making new friends and enjoying her studies. Willow was seeing more of Heather, and Xander and Tina were inseparable.

Buffy hummed as she made her bed. The girls were already gone and Xander had left early to take some measurements for a new project. *Things are good. Good, right. Boring and lonely, but good. Damn. Spike, I miss you. Everyone is all paired off except for me. They all keep asking me when I'm going to start dating again.* She turned and picked up the picture from the night stand and sank down on the bed. *They don't understand, Spike. No one can ever come close to you. To what we had. I'm still the Slayer, well, ok, A Slayer. I can't get into a relationship with someone and then say 'oh, by the way, you know all those spooky things you see on late night movies? They're real and I kill them.' And if I tell them first, they'll think I'm too nuts to date.* She sighed. *Nope. Looks like you were my last chance. I didn't have to hold back for fear of breaking one of your bones or something, and you already knew what I was. Dammit, Spike, why'd you have to go and die?* She looked at the picture a moment longer, then ran one finger over the familiar cheekbone and up to the raised eyebrow. She smiled through the tears and then blinked them away. *I know -- so one of us is living.* She put the picture down and went on with her chores.

The journal lay forgotten in a drawer these days. Her daily conversations with Spike's picture had taken its place. And the dreams had stopped since the trip to Sunnydale. Buffy finally seemed to be healing. The loneliness was still there, but she wrote that off as being part of the whole Slayer package.

Willow struggled to balance the pile of books and folders she was carrying in her right arm, while trying to look at the watch on her left wrist without spilling the coffee she held in her left hand, and she ran headlong into the man coming toward her across the common. Books tumbled everywhere, papers flew from the folders, and the coffee cup continued its forward momentum to splatter all over the starched and pristine white shirt of Willow's victim. She bent to recapture the papers before they blew away and began to stammer an apology. "Oh, gods, I'm so s-sorry. I t-totally wasn't watching where I was going. I'll be glad to have the shirt cleaned for you. No -- I'll buy you a new one, really!" Their hands met as he gathered the last of the papers and passed them to her, and she looked up as he replied.

"Not at all. It'll be quite all right." Their eyes met. "Oh, hello, Willow. How are you?"

"William? What are you doing here? I mean, I'm fine, thank you. Obviously late, as usual, but fine. How are you? It's great to see you again. I'd love to catch up, but I have a class." She looked at her watch and her eyes grew wide, "And I am SO late. Can you come over for dinner? Everyone would love to see you and hear about the rest of your trip. And what you're doing here, you know, other than wearing my coffee. Do you still have the address?"

"That would be lovely. Yes, I still have it."

"Great! Tonight, ok? Say sevenish. It's Xander's night to cook, so at least it'll be something edible. I gotta go -- I'll see you tonight."

"Right. Tonight then." She had already disappeared into a building in a flurry. He glanced down at his shirt and shook his head. He looked back at the building pensively. *She said everyone would love to see me. I wonder.*

"Buffy, you're not being reasonable. I'm over 18. I'm in college. Why can't I go away for the weekend with Rob? You said you liked him."

"Yes, Dawn, I like him. He's a very nice boy. But you are still too young to go away for the weekend."

"Just because you're rotting away at home not dating anyone doesn't mean I'm going to waste my life too!"

"Dawn-- " Buffy was stunned. And hurt. Then she got angry. "Fine. Go away and have fun. But if he turns out to be a vampire or a demon or something, don't call me. You all seem to forget what happens when I date, but just to get you all off my back, I swear I'll go out with the next guy who asks me."

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Just then the doorbell rang. Dawn smiled a little too sweetly, "I'll get it."

Buffy groaned quietly as Dawn opened the door to a smiling William who was holding flowers in one hand and a large Disney bag in the other. *I've been had.*

Chapter 15:

The Dating Game

Willow and Dawn rose to clear away the dessert plates as Xander excused himself to return a client's call. During dinner, William had kept them all entertained with stories about the rest of his trip. Buffy was surprised to find herself pleased Willow had invited him. She looked across and smiled, "So how come you decided to stay here in the states? You figure we could use all the help we can get with English, or what?"

William chuckled a bit. "That was part of it, yes, but the university made me an offer I couldn't refuse. And since there really wasn't anything to hold me to England, I felt it was in my best interests to accept. There were also some things here in this country that I thought deserved more attention than I had yet given them." He looked down, shocked at the boldness of his words, and yet hoping she would understand their significance.

"Shall we all move into the living room?" Willow asked brightly as she came back from the kitchen. "Dawn'll be out in a few -- she's just loading the dishwasher. Don't want to let her think company means she gets out of doing the dishes."

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Two hours later, William noticed Xander smothering a yawn and decided it was time to take his leave. "Thanks so much for your hospitality. It was lovely to see you all again. I'm so glad I ran into Willow on campus."

"More like I ran into you," Willow said sheepishly. "I really meant it when I said I wanted to replace your shirt. I feel so bad about that."

"Don't be silly. It will wash out quite easily, and this evening has been a delight." William rose and Buffy stood to walk him to the door.

"I'm glad you came for dinner, William. This has been fun."

"Enough fun that you'd consider having dinner alone with me some evening?" He held his breath waiting for her answer. Buffy looked over his shoulder to see the others grinning.

*Oh, why not! It's just William. He's harmless, and it'll get them off my back.* "That would be nice. Thank you for asking." *Could that have sounded any more lame? Guess I really am out of practice.*

He could hardly believe it. She had said yes. "How about Saturday then? That is, if you don't already have plans." *What are you doing? She said yes. Don't give her a chance to change her mind, you ninny!*

"Saturday? Um... no, no plans. Saturday's good."

"I'll pick you up at seven then." He turned to the others and smiled, "Thanks, again, everyone. Good night."

The others chorused their farewells and waved, and he stepped through the door into the night. As Buffy closed the door behind him, Willow, Xander and Dawn shared a three-way high five. "What are you guys, like twelve?" Buffy asked. "One date. That's it. You wanted me to go out and I am. OK?"

"Yes!!" Dawn bounded out of her chair and gave Buffy a hug. "Come on, you might even have a good time. Plus, he's cute."

Buffy just rolled her eyes, shook her head and said, "I'm going to patrol. I'll see you all in the morning."

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She'd been seeing William every Saturday night for six weeks now, and every Thursday night he came over for dinner with the gang. This week was Thanksgiving, and she had invited him to join them for the big holiday meal as well. Buffy hummed as she diced and chopped and mixed. She'd learned to enjoy puttering in the kitchen. Her meals weren't always the successes she hoped for, but there weren't as many dismal failures anymore either.

Willow breezed in looking for coffee. "Hey, Buffy, how's it going? What time are we eating?"

"I was thinking probably three. Sound ok?"

"Sure. Heather is at her parents' house already, but she said she'd come by later for pie." She decided it was a good time to ask, while the two of them were alone, "Um, Buffy, how are things with you and William?"

"Good. Comfortable. He'll be here in about an hour to help. He said he wants to 'fully experience this uniquely American holiday'. Sometimes he's so much like Giles, you know?"

"Remind you of anyone else?"

"No, why? Oh, you mean the whole Buffy-fainting-'cause-she-thought-she-saw-Spike-alive thing? Not once I got to know him. They're totally different. It's hard to see now how I could have thought that at all."

"Oh. Well, we all kinda did, Buff. It wasn't just you. So, anything long term maybe gonna happen here?"

"I don't know, Wil. I still haven't told him about the Slayer thing. I'm not sure he's ready for that. What man would be?"

"I guess. But, you know, maybe he'd surprise you. He has with other stuff, right?"

"Yeah, he's not as boring as I thought. The English professor image kinda threw me. I thought he'd be all stuffy like Giles, but he's fun."

"Stuffy? You thought I was stuffy? Silly girl," William put his arms around Buffy from behind.

"Hey! You're early. Naughty boy, sneaking up on me." She turned and kissed him in her customary spot on his cheek. Willow watched as something seemed to spark in his eyes, something familiar, then it died away.

"I'll just leave you two to the kitchen-y stuff. I finished my part yesterday." She pointed to the pies, waved and left the room with her coffee.

"Smells bloody marvelous in here. What can I do?" Buffy pointed to the other chopping board and knife on the counter next to the piles of vegetables, and William smiled as he set to work. He enjoyed how comfortable they were together now, but try as he would, he couldn't seem to awaken any passion in her. All he ever got were those pecks on the cheek, but he was willing to wait.

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Soon the Christmas season was upon them, and this year the spirit hit Buffy earlier than usual. She was settled on the floor in the living room wrapping presents for Willow and Dawn, when William tapped lightly on the door as he came in, "Buffy?"

"Hi there! Quick come in and close the door before you let all the warm out. That's one thing I still haven't gotten used to after so many years in Southern California -- the winters. Oooh, since you're still standing up, would you do me a favor? There's a bag of bows in my room on the bed. Would you mind?"

"Of course," William shrugged awkwardly out of the black leather duster Buffy had given him for his birthday. It didn't really suit him, but he wore it for her. He hung his coat on the rack near the door and headed for her room. He pushed open the door and looked around curiously. She'd given him the tour the first time he came to dinner, but he had had no reason since then to go into any of the bedrooms. He saw the bows on the bed and crossed to pick them up. As he turned to leave the room, the picture on the nightstand caught his attention. He picked it up and sank down onto the bed. *So, she's still in love with you, eh? How can I ever hope to compete with a ghost?* He sighed, replaced the picture and left the room.

That evening after dinner, Buffy walked William to the door as usual. They stood for a moment saying good night, and as Buffy reached up to kiss his cheek, Willow glanced over, "Hey you guys, mistletoe!"

They both looked at her in confusion. She pointed above their heads, "Mistletoe. I put it up when I got home. You guys have to kiss." She smiled impishly.

Buffy rolled her eyes and turned her face up to William with a tiny smile. He spared a grateful glance to Willow before lowering his head to brush Buffy's lips with his own. He was startled when the tingle he always felt when she kissed his cheek felt more like an electrical current running through his entire body. He decided to risk a second, deeper kiss to see if it had any effect on her. He drew her into his arms gently and kissed her a little more firmly. After a slight hesitation, Buffy kissed him back.

Then suddenly, feelings and memories began flooding his mind. London, his mother, Cecily, Dru, Angelus, Darla. Countries flashed by, as did the decades. Sunnydale, the Scoobies, the Potentials, the First, the final battle. Buffy -- always Buffy. Then he realized there was a second set of memories overlaying the first. Almost like a favourite book he'd read so often it was a part of him. London again, but more recent. Family memories, but a different family. University, friends, the trip to the states. Sunnydale. The road trip across America. Willow on campus. Buffy. His Buffy. His Slayer. He was kissing Buffy. He breathed in her scent and felt all his senses heighten. It was real. He shifted his weight slightly and tightened his arms around her.

Buffy felt the first brush of his lips and then the hesitation. She was sure he would pull away then, but found herself wishing he wouldn't. She had felt like she would be betraying her love for Spike if she started a physical relationship with William, so she had been holding herself away from him. She leaned into him as he deepened the kiss, and then felt him hesitate again. Had she been too forward? Had she offended him? Then he shifted his weight and pulled her closer. It felt so right.

At last, they broke apart, both breathless. They looked into each others' eyes for a long moment. He wanted to shout, wanted to sing. Anything to show his joy at being reunited with his love, his Slayer. And yet, as he looked at her in wonder, he knew it would terrify and confuse her to know he was back. He was going to have to bide his time and find a way to break it to her gently. She laughed a little, how he loved her laugh, and said, "Wow! Hey, you ok? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

He shook his head a bit to clear it, raised an eyebrow and said, "Do I? Sorry. But if I had known what powerful stuff mistletoe was, I might have had Red put some up ages ago."

Still overwhelmed by their kiss, Buffy didn't notice the slip, but Willow's head snapped around. His eyes met hers over Buffy's shoulder and he smirked just a little. Just enough. Her eyes got round. "Uh... William, you'd better get going. The roads aren't getting any better and you have an early class tomorrow."

"Right. I'll see you on campus tomorrow," Spike grabbed his duster from the rack and slipped into with the ease of years. It settled onto his shoulders like a second skin. "Good night." He leaned forward and brushed Buffy's lips with his once again, then was out the door with a catlike grace Willow had thought she'd never see again.

Chapter 16:

Where Do We Go From Here?

He stared down at his desk lost in memories as the students filed out of his last class of the day. He'd spent a sleepless night wondering what to say to Buffy -- trying to find the words to explain. But how could he even begin to explain when he didn't understand it himself? He sighed and shook his head. Time to go see Red. Maybe she'd have some insight.

He tapped lightly on the open office door, "Knock, knock."

"Who's there?" Willow returned with a smile. She and William had been playing this game all semester. He always had a great punchline.

"Yeh -- that's the question now, innit?"

"Wil-- Spi--" she laughed and said, "What should I call you?"

"Doesn't much matter, Red. We're both in here. Take your pick." She noticed that William's cultured tones had roughened a bit, and he sounded more like the Spike she remembered.

"Wow. What happened? Is it like Sybil? All split personality and trading control back and forth? Leaving notes for yourself? Arguing over who left the cap off the toothpaste?"

He managed a tiny smile, but it vanished quickly. "What happened? That's what I was hoping you could tell me. What it feels like -- well, it's hard to describe. It's not two personalities struggling over control. It's more like someone moved in and made some changes while I was on holiday and now I'm back, I'm trying to decide if I like the way they redecorated." He sighed, "So, do we ring up Giles and get him started on the research bit?"

"Actually, I can access the database from here, but somehow I don't think we're going to find much. What's the last thing you remember?"

"Of what? Sunnydale? Or Glenville?"

"Both."

"I watched Buffy leave, then things got real bright, then I was kissing her last night. My memories as William are intact. No gaps. They just sort of merged during the kiss. You think Buffy's been carrying me around inside her head for two and a half years and it took the kiss to let it out? She was the last thing I touched before things went all flamey."

"What, you mean like Spock and McCoy? You've spent way too much time with Andrew. And besides, he was all empty and stuff and McCoy was going insane from having him in his brain so they had to kidnap him and then steal the ship to go back to the Genesis planet to put Spock's essence back in his body, but Buffy hasn't been drinking blood or redoing the house Victorian or acting funny, which by the way you're looking at me, I obviously am." Willow realized she was rambling and stopped herself. "How come you didn't say anything to Buffy last night? She's missed you so much. We all have."

"No idea what to say. Afraid she wouldn't believe me -- might think I was a psycho playing some cruel game or sommat. She's been through enough. Didn't want to scare her."

"Ohh-- I hadn't even considered the idea that she wouldn't believe you. I knew right away it was you. And by the way, can I just say thank you for the whole saving-the-world thing?" She came over and pulled him into a hug, then reached up to kiss his cheek.

He froze. As Spike he was unused to that kind of treatment from any of the Scoobies. Then he allowed William's feelings to guide him, and he hugged her back. He was surprised to find tears in his eyes. She pulled back and looked up at him. "Let's get you home and start working on how to tell Buffy."

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Buffy puttered around the house, but really didn't get much done. All she could do was think about that kiss. She'd been so sure she would never again feel anything close to what she had felt with Spike. They had fit together so perfectly. She had felt so safe in his arms, despite everything that had been happening those last few horrible days in Sunnydale. They'd always been able to predict each others' moves in fights -- whether they were fighting each other or a common enemy. He'd been able to see right through her. It had all felt so right. And now her world was upside down again. Could she really be that fickle?

Spike had been around for years showing her how he felt with everything he did, even to the point of sacrificing himself. And still she had refused to allow herself to love him -- or to admit it, anyway. Then along comes someone who looks a little like him and has an English accent, and suddenly she's falling for him. After one kiss? Was she just trying to replace him? Everyone else was paired off. Was she just lonely? Didn't Spike deserve better than that? Didn't his memory deserve more respect? Didn't William deserve better than being a replacement?

She sat down on her bed and picked up Spike's picture. *I miss you. I think of you every day. I thought it would get easier, but it doesn't really. It just gets further away. What should I do? He's a good man, like you were. We've become friends -- just like we did, but I never admitted it until the very end. I could probably love him if I let myself. Just like you. You were so easy to love once I let it happen, but by then you were gone. Why does everyone I love leave me? I know you wouldn't have if it had been up to you, but it happened anyway. I don't think I can take that again. There's already too many empty places in my heart. My friends stay though. And friends are good to have. Friends. Yup, friends. We'll keep it that way. Besides, how would I ever explain the whole Slayer thing?*

She replaced the picture with her decision made. No more smoochies with William. Friends was what they were and friends was all they'd ever be. Now all she had to do was figure out how to tell him. This was going to be almost as hard as it would be to tell him about being the Slayer.

________________________________________________________________________

Dinner Saturday night. That was when he was going to put the plan he and Willow had come up with into action. It was time to start courting Buffy. He'd start dropping little hints into the conversations, too. Bits and pieces of things they'd shared over the years. Maybe she'd figure it out on her own and he wouldn't have to find the words to tell her. He had to be careful though. He couldn't bear to see that look again -- the one where she thought he was sick and perverted. The one she used to give him when she caught him under her window or following her.

He sighed as he put the phone down. She had cancelled their date. She claimed it was because she had things to do because Christmas was getting so close, but he knew better. He had heard the tension in her voice. The comfort level that had been there was gone. She was pulling away, just like she always had when he had gotten too close. He didn't want to spend another two or three years proving himself to her. He'd been through that once. He didn't think he could stand being near her and not having her. Maybe if he just took the plunge and told her he was back, they could pick up where they'd left off. The "after" they'd discussed so briefly back when neither of them thought there would be an "after". He sighed again and shook his head. He knew he'd let her set the pace for awhile, proving to himself once again that he was still love's bitch, scrambling after any crumb Buffy could be persuaded to drop.

________________________________________________________________________

The weeks slipped by. He still came to dinner on Thursdays, but Buffy always seemed to have other plans for Saturday nights. She even found an excuse to miss one of the Thursdays, but Willow made a point of letting him know that he was still welcome. Their secret was closely guarded, but Xander and Dawn began to suspect there was something they weren't saying.

Finally, the Friday morning after Buffy had avoided Thursday's dinner with an obviously contrived excuse, Dawn turned to Willow on the way to school. "OK, what's going on? I'm not fifteen anymore and you guys promised no more secrets."

"G-going on? Umm... with what, Dawnie?" Willow didn't even manage to sound convincing to herself, and Dawn just glared at her.

"You know exactly what I mean. Buffy and William. They're not spending near as much time together as they were, and now it even seems like she's avoiding him. Why? I thought they were great together. What happened? What did I miss? You know Buffy's not going to tell me."

Willow sighed. How could she help Dawn figure it out without betraying Spike? "Well, um, do you remember the day I put up the mistletoe?"

"Yeah. You said those two needed a push and you thought maybe that was a good way to do it without being obvious."

"Right. Do you remember what happened when they kissed? Or what William said?"

"Not particularly. I was pretty wrapped up in that paper I had due the next day. Didn't he say something about how glad he was you put it up? I thought that was kinda funny -- you know, because of you and all the herbs and stuff you used to have around. Mistletoe isn't really used all that much magically, is it?"

"There's a few spells that use it, but, um, Dawnie, can you try real hard to remember exactly what he said? I'm giving you everything I can without breaking a promise."

Dawn closed her eyes and tried to picture that night. "Buffy said he looked like he'd seen a ghost. And then he said something about the mistletoe, about how powerful it was, and how if he'd known that, he'd have had-- " Her eyes flew open. "RED! He called you Red. Only Spike ever called you that."

Willow nodded. "Have you noticed anything, um, different about William since that night?" Willow was trying to keep one eye on the road and one on Dawn. She knew she was starting to figure it out and wanted to see what Dawn's reaction was going to be.

Dawn closed her eyes once more and pictured William. She saw him the way he was last night -- talkative, comfortable, but fidgety and pacing with catlike grace, especially when Buffy had called to say she wouldn't be there for dinner. Then she pictured him the first time Willow had invited him over when they ran into each other at school -- quiet, timid, a little clumsy and unsure of himself. She reached way back and pulled up a mental image of Spike from Sunnydale -- always talking, always pacing, always in motion, but so graceful. Her eyes flew open. "Oh my Go-- Spike. William really is Spike, isn't he? How? Why didn't he tell us when we met him in Sunnydale? Wait-- he has amnesia, doesn't he? He doesn't know he's Spike and that's why Buffy is staying away from him. She doesn't know how to tell him he used to be a vampire. Right?"

"Slow down, Dawnie. Now remember, I didn't tell you any of this. You figured it out yourself, right? Or at least you asked me questions and I have a responsibility to correct things you might have wrong so you don't say the wrong thing to someone, right? OK. Yes, William is Spike. No, he doesn't have amnesia. He kind of did before, but now he remembers everything. But he remembers everything about being William too. He's both. And no, Buffy doesn't know and that isn't why she's staying away from him. She hasn't really told me exactly, but I think she feels guilty. I know that look. And guilt makes you do strange things."

"Guilty? About what? Leaving him in the school?"

"No. Remember, she doesn't know William is Spike. I think she feels guilty that she's starting to fall in love again. Like she's not being faithful to Spike's memory. I felt that way with Kennedy at first. It was really hard to let go of Tara, even though she was gone."

"She would have wanted you to be happy," Dawn said quietly and reached over to rest her hand on Willow's shoulder.

"I know," Willow smiled her thanks. "I knew then, but that didn't change what I was feeling.

"You have to admit, most of the time, Buffy wasn't exactly nice to Spike. Even after everything he did for her, for all of us. I think she might feel she shouldn't love anyone else because she never showed Spike how she felt. That she doesn't deserve to be in love. Or maybe she's afraid he'll leave. She says that sometimes when she's feeling really down. She says only her friends stay, but all the men she loves leave her."

Dawn shook her head, "Why does love have to be so complicated? Why can't everyone just find the right person, fall in love and live happily ever after?"

Willow laughed and shrugged, "Sounds good in theory, but I think it would end up being boring."

"So when's he gonna tell her? Finally, they can both be happy!"

"He's letting her set the pace. I'm not sure it's the best idea, but you know how Spike is. It won't last. He'll snap. I sure hope it's soon though. I'm getting tired of being in the middle. And I'm so glad you know now. I hated not telling you. But you can't tell Buffy. You have to let him do it his way."

"I know. I will. But I can tell him I know, right?"

"Give it a little time. He'll slip like he did with me. You just have to be listening for it. I think he wants to. It must be hard not telling."

"OK. I'll wait, but it's gonna be tough." They shared a smile as they gathered their things from the car. "See you later, Wil. Have a good day."

"You too, Dawnie. Christmas vacation next week. I can't wait! See you at four."

_____________________________________________________________________

Flick. Click. Flick. Click. Flick. Click.

Spike stared into space as the light glinted off the object in his hand. Christmas was just a few days away, and Buffy had turned avoiding him into an art-form. Willow thought he should tell her, but if she was never around, how could he?

Maybe he should start lurking under the tree in the front yard. No, that hadn't worked very well the last time.

He'd wait a little longer. Maybe by New Year's Eve he'd have a chance to talk to her, if she'd stay in the same room long enough.

Flick. Click. He sighed and tossed the black velvet jeweler's box on the table and got up to turn off the light and go to bed.

Part 17:

'Tis the Season

Spike paced back and forth across the living room floor, stopping once in awhile to glare at the bag of gifts on the couch. Things had been been so much easier as William -- or even as Spike back in Sunnydale, when he didn't have to worry about gifts and holidays.

He was confident that Willow would love the hand-tooled leather briefcase he had commissioned, and Xander would appreciate the antique plane he had found to add to the growing collection on the workshop wall. Dawn had always coveted his old duster, and now that he was comfortable in one again, he thought it would be fun to finally indulge her.

And then there was Buffy.

With the way she'd been avoiding him ever since Thanksgiving, he knew that the gift he wanted to give her would not be accepted. He sighed and opened the ring box to gaze into the depths of the diamond. It taunted him with its beauty -- just like Buffy. It reminded him of her too. So many facets, and she could be hard and cold. But when brought together in the light, the cold, hard facets magnified the fire within. For now, she was trying to hide that fire and he knew he couldn't force things or she would just retreat behind the walls again. He had to settle for what she was willing to give. At the moment, all she offered was friendship. So he would have to settle for that.

He snapped the box closed, strode to the desk, and placed it far in the back of the top drawer. There it would stay until she was ready. He picked up the simply wrapped box that contained his 'back-up' gift for Buffy -- a suitably impersonal cookbook collection he'd seen her eyeing a couple of weeks earlier, grabbed the bag off the couch and headed for the door.

***************************************************************

Dinner was over and the group sat surrounded by the rubble of opened gifts. As predicted, Willow and Xander had both enjoyed William's offerings, and Dawn was already wearing the duster, despite the roaring fire they'd built. Buffy had been hesitant about opening hers, but once she saw what it was, she surprised him with an exuberant hug.

The items he'd received in return had also been well chosen. Xander had made him a beautifully carved desk set. He had a private laugh at the initials - WTB. If only Xander knew, it fit him either way. William Townsend Blake as well as William The Bloody. And everyone had laughed when he opened the box from Willow. It had contained several white shirts and a gift certificate for dry cleaning. Buffy's gift was quite practical -- a soft, warm scarf.

He sat now with the large, flat box from Dawn on his lap. It was the last one unopened. Dawn was sitting across from him almost squirming in anticipation. Knowing her sense of humor, he paused to consider what might jump out at him, but decided she wouldn't dare to go too far with William. At last, he broke the ribbon and began ripping into the paper. He uncovered the back of a much-dented piece of metal, and suddenly he knew exactly what it was. He met her eyes as he turned it over, and without looking down said, "Thanks, Li'l Bit. You know, I didn't have time to pick up any souvenirs."

She smiled back and replied, "Yeah, I figured. Things were kind of hectic."

Buffy drew in a sharp breath when she saw the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign. "Where did you get that, Dawn? Is Willy selling them?"

"Um... no, Buff. That's the real one. Remember the one that fell over after -- um -- after?"

"You mean the one Spike used to run over every chance he got?" Xander asked, and he and Willow laughed. Buffy managed a tight smile, but Dawn and Spike were still looking into each others' eyes. He realized she knew and was touched and relieved that she was keeping the secret. He ran his fingers over the letters of Sunnydale and felt like he was drowning in memories. All the times he and Buffy had clashed. The night he lost her off the tower. The night she came back. All the times he had left, swearing never to return. But something kept drawing him back. Buffy.

Dawn grinned as the familiar nickname warmed her and glanced over to see if Buffy had noticed. Buffy's eyes were still on the sign. Something inside her wanted to snatch it from William's hands and run away with it. *Spike's. That should have been his. I should have taken it myself when we left. How dare she give it to him -- a stranger. He has no idea what it means.*

"Buff? You in there?" Xander asked again, a little louder this time.

She looked up, startled and confused, "Huh?"

"I said -- It seems kind of fitting that William should have the sign, huh? Seeing as how we met him back where Sunnydale used to be and all. Heck, we even thought he looked a little like Spike, at the time, huh, Dawnie?"

Spike turned a chuckle into a cough as Willow and Dawn exchanged a glance. Willow decided she'd better jump in before things got more awkward than they already were, "Wow! We all did great this year, huh? So, what's everybody doing for New Years'?"

The silence that fell was almost tangible, and Willow realized her mistake. Buffy suddenly found her feet fascinating. Spike gazed longingly at her for a moment and then caught himself and looked away. Dawn and Willow just cringed, and Xander was blissfully oblivious.

Spike stood up and stretched, "Well, I'm going to say my farewells. Thank you so much for including me in the festivities." He had a bit of a headache, as he always did these days after an extended time in Buffy's company. He had to force himself to remember to stick to William's speech patterns and manners, and it was becoming a strain.

"Aw! Already?" Dawn stood up too and stifled a yawn. "I guess it is getting late," she said sheepishly. "Thanks again for the coat. I've wanted one like this for years!"

He smiled fondly at her and pulled her into a hug. "You wear it well, Niblet," he whispered. She hugged him back so hard he was afraid she'd break a rib.

"I've missed you so much," she whispered back before releasing him. He bent to gather the gifts he'd received, and Buffy rose to walk him to the door. She opened the door and stepped out of the way so he could pass. He glanced wistfully at the mistletoe and forced himself to smile as he kissed Buffy on the cheek. He wanted to be sure she knew he got the message. Friends.

***************************************************************

Spike and Buffy spent New Year's Eve the same way. Each alone. Each longing for the other's company. Each in despair.

D'Hoffryn smiled. This was even better than he had hoped.