Chapter 14:

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"Yes Willow, I'm ready." Buffy droned over the phone. Re-assuring Willow it was going to go smoothly. Now if she could just convince herself that.

"Okay, okay. You and Spike have fun together." Willow mocked from the other end. Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Were not going together, Will. We're just...going together." Buffy said, trying to make sense of that.

"Same thing."

" No its not. Were not like a couple or anything." Buffy said as she stopped walking around her apartment when she said that.

'Are we? A couple? Spike and I? Maybe. Smoochies....yes. Talking...yes. Physical...yes. Flirting...yes. Secrets shared....yes. Couple......maybe.'

" If you aren't a couple, or at least like him, why did you spend the last half hour talking about him non-stop?" Willow said irretibley.

" Well....I don't know actually. But I don't-" Buffy said as there was a knock at the door. "Oh shoot, hes here. I got to go. I'll call you later." Buffy said.

" As long as I don't see your faces on the front page, or television, then I'll be good. Bye." Willow said hanging up her phone. Buffy sighed before slamming hers down.

She ran over to her mirror and checked her make up and attire out. A short green dress, black heels, light make up. 'Perfect.' Buffy thought as she grabbed her purse and rushed to the door.

She swung it open and revealed Spike. Only it couldn't of been him because the man infront of her was dressed in a designer black suit. Very clean and tidy, and essentuated his figure perfectly. Her eyes traveled up his body and saw something in his hand.

" For you, m' lady." He said, holding out a single stem red rose. She smiled and took it graciously, ushering him inside.

" Thank you kind sir." Buffy said as Spike walked in.

'Alright man, you got this. Suit, red rose, gift. Just give her it, and breeze through the evening.' Spike thought as he stood by the doorway as she just looked at him.

" Whats with the suit?" She asked as she came up, and fixed his collar on it.

'Damn! I should of fixed the collar beforehand. No problem, just play it cool.' Spike thought as she went to put the rose in a vase of water.

" Well I was told it was the impeccable of fashion and design. At least thats what the bloody lady behind the counter said." Spike smirked as she rolled her eyes. "Why? Don't like it,pet?"

" No, I like it. Just can't have you looking better than me is all." Buffy mocked as she moved to the mirror to fix her make up.

" Never." Spike said with a sweet smile.

'Yeah! Perfect. Bloody hell, I'm turning into such a nancy boy.' Spike shook his head at his inner thoughts.

" Just wanted to look nice for your big day is all." Spike added dryly.

" Don't even start. I'm already a bundle of nerves as it is. I mean, I had no idea it was going to be this big! Reporters, and photographers, and the head of the business is coming! Gina Esquelle! If I screw up...I can kiss my career goodbye. And I need that opening spot." Buffy said.

'Alright. Here's your chance....' Spike thought as he moved up to Buffy and spun her around.

" Don't worry,luv. You'll sweep them off their feet. You have a habit of doing that to people." Spike lifted her chin and gave her a small kiss on the lips, and stepping back a few steps to pull something out of his pocket.

" Whats this?" Buffy asked as he handed her the black box.

" An elephant. Only one way to find out,luv. Open it." He said as she gave him a questioning look and opened the box.

She gasped as she pulled the necklace out of it. It was gold, and written in scriptive lettering had the word 'Goldilocks.' She smiled as he moved to fasten it on her neck.

"Wow. Its...gorgeous! Thank you." Buffy said as she awed over the present.

No one ever gave her a present. Well, a present like this anyway. It was a wonderful feeling.

" Good luck charm for tonight." Spike said with a seductive smile. She wrapped her arms around his neck.

" Which part of tonight? The show or afterwards?" Buffy asked as he considered this for a moment.

" Both." He said as he crushed his lips onto hers.

Okay she was expecting it to be a fiery, full of passion, earth shaking, world shattering, mind blowing kiss that she usually had with Spike. But it wasn't. It was small and tasteful, and filled with....love? No, no. It couldn't be. Something else. Something she couldn't define at the moment as it began to consume her with pleasure.

She pulled away from him, before walking towards the door.

" Come on. Save that for later." She said before walking out, having him trailing behind her.

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"Uh....luv?" Spike asked as the limo came to a halt infront of a building. Flashes of cameras were already shooting away, waiting for the stars to step out and see them, and who they were with. Ask questions, interview, take pictures. And then it dawned on Buffy.

"Shit! What will we tell them?" Buffy thought out loud. Spike look as confused as her.

" Well.....um...er.... we could tell them were good friends who happened to make hot, steamy sex last night?" Spike mocked as she hit him hard on the arm. "Kidding." He added.

" Want to die, and spend all night in your room alone, then go ahead and tell them that."Buffy said smiling innocently. Spike faked to contemplate that statement.

" Good point. Alright, good friends it is. Come on." Spike said as the driver opened the door, and they were immediately blinded by camera lights. Spike slid out of the car, and held out his hand as Buffy accepted it, and was pulled out of the car.

They both plastered on their 'smiles' and started walking down the way, with Spike's arm around her waist. They would wave and pose for pictures every now and again. And then a dreadful interview.

" Miss Summers! Mr Johnson! Over here!" A lady shouted as Buffy and Spike made their way to her.

"Hello." Buffy and Spike greeted her with a smile.

" Is it true you came here together?" The lady asked instantly.

" Yes, we came here together." Buffy confirmed.

" So you two are dating?" She asked.

" No." Buffy said.

" Were good friends." Spike supported her.

" Interesting." The lady said. "Well then, why did you select Mr. Johnson to be your escort for tonight?" The woman asked Buffy. Buffy hesitated with shock from the out of blue question.

Why had she? Really?

" Why the hesitation, Miss Summers? Did you or did you not ask Mr. Johnson to be your escort?" The lady questioned with more persistance.

" Yes I did but-" Buffy began, only to be interrupted again.

" So you are having an affair with him?" Another woman asked.

" The rumours are true?"A man reporter asked.

"I-" Buffy tried again.

" Have you gotten intimate with him during the time of the shoot?" The second woman asked.

" No we-"

" How is that coming along by the way? Any problems?" The man asked.

" Listen we can't-" Spike said.

" Did you agree to be her escort, Mr. Johnson? Or did your manager opt you to?" The first lady asked.

" Did you ask her? Or she to you?"

" Do you find her attractive?"

" Are you going to any after parties? If so, where?"

" We have to get going." Buffy said as she tugged Spike's arm inside.

Buffy and Spike shared an alike sigh to have gotten away from the vulters.

"That was bloody horrible! Like feeding time at the bleeding zoo grounds!" Spike whispered to Buffy, who nodded in agreement.

They walked further in, stopping to talk with models and designers who would be appearing tonight. Just socializing with the common whats- her- name and so-and-so. Buffy's head still spinning from the lights in her eyes, contrasted with all the questions.

Suddenly Buffy tensed, and her throat ran dry as Gina Esquelle approached them.

"Speaking of beasts." Buffy whispered in Spike's ears as he chuckled. "Gina! How nice to see you!" Buffy said turning on her routine.

" Buffy! Lovely to see you again." Gina said, glancing at Spike. "Well, Mr. Johnson. I don't believe we ever met before. Are you and Buffy here together?" The woman asked shaking his hand.

" Yes we are, and I'm very pleased to meet you." Spike said, getting an approving glance from Buffy.

" Pleasures all mine, I'm sure. I hope you'll enjoy the show. We have the best models around, it should be a treat." Gina said smiling.

" I bet it will. Can't wait." Spike said as Buffy shook her head violently. "I mean...I'm sure it will be quite a show. Not that I like to watch the models." Spike amended as the woman grew a confused expression. "Not that they aren't good, I meant that I will watch them...." Spike tried recieving a glare from Buffy. "But not like, watch them? I'm here with Buffy. Er, not that were here together. Well we are....but-" Spike gave up trying as Buffy smacked her hand on her forehead.

" Right..... okay then. Buffy, you'll need to be getting into make up in a few minutes." Gina said uncomfortabley.

" I will." Buffy said with a wave and nod.

" Yes, then good. Spike it was.....er, interesting to meet you." Gina said as she headed off. Spike slumped and sighed, before turning to Buffy who had her arms crossed over her chest angrily.

" Not your best conversation, Spikey." Buffy mocked swatting him on the arm.

" That ladies a bloody uptight bi-" Spike growled as Buffy saw the figure walking up to him, and made motions with her hand over her throat to end it, and she shook her head rapidly. "What? She is a bloody uptight bint." Spike growled as a voice came from right behind him.

" Mr. Johnson....." Gina said offended. Spike immediately stiffened at her voice, shutting his eyes tightly embarassed in frustration.

" Uh...." Spike said turning to face the woman again. Buffy stepped up.

" No, no! Uh...he meant another lady. Who was not you....because, er.....um.... he.....oh boy." Buffy trailed off trying to make an excuse for his actions.

" Well, nevermind that." The lady scolded. "Just came to tell you that we are seating people now, so if you would follow this uptight 'bint'....I'll show you to your seat." The woman spat wickedly as Spike nodded sheepishly and followed her out.

Turning to face a flushed Buffy, mouthing a 'sorry', before walking into the doors to be seated.

Buffy shook her head and ran to the back room, to get dressed and situated for the runway.

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Buffy peered from out of the curtain at all the people sitting in the audience, around the stage. There was a lot. Hundreds of people. A lump formed in her throat, and she tried to swallow it down hardly. She glanced around to try and find Spike. She spotted his white hair and watched him.

He seemed happy. Happy for what?......

Then the thought entered Buffy's mind again. Happy for her? Or about the other thousand women walking around?

'No time for this!' Buffy thought as she heard voices behind her. She spun around and saw her two competing models. Courtney and Tiffany. The two blonde bimbos Buffy secretly hated.

" Buffy, darling, hello." Tiffany said as her and Buffy did the cheek to cheek kiss.

" Tiff how are you?" Buffy forced to ask politely. The blonde giggled.

" Well, if tonight goes smoothly, I'll be gaining that opening position in this falls Esquelle runway show." Tiffany laughed along with Courtney, who forced a rude smile.

" Oh well.....thats what I was hoping to get." Buffy said, her voice shaky and angry.

" We know." Courtney said. Buffy shook her head.

" Well, honey, looks like you got some competition." Tiffany said.

" Oh Tiff, Court, when I consider you two competition....well I won't." Buffy said, smiling a devilish smile.

" Don't be too confident." Courtney said, moving her hands on her hips.

" Anyway, who's your escort, dear?" Tiffany asked.

" Oh....um..." Buffy said, biting her lower lip nervously.

" You didn't come alone again like last time, did you?" Courtney drew a bitter laughter. Buffy stood straighter.

" Of course I didn't. I came with..." Buffy said feeling a churning in her stomach. Just then, she saw Spike walking up to her grinning. When he reached her, she grabbed his jacket collar and pulled him down hard to kiss her fiercely. Which he obliged, bringing passion to it all.

The two women beside them, stood opened mouthed and watching. Buffy pulled away breathless and gasping, turning back to the pair.

" Spike. I don't believe you know him." Buffy said with fake dismissiveness.

" Oh my gosh! Your...your...him!" Tiffany said, pointing at him in awe.

" Spike Johnson! The lead singer of Scream in Silence!" Courtney gaped. Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck, as he got the hint and wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her neck.

" Yeah. Hes my escort." Buffy said, smiling wickedly.

" You....you came with him?" The two women asked huffily.

" Yup. Where are your dates?" Buffy said as Spike disentangled himself from her, looking at them.

" I'm here with Riley." Tiffany said with a smile.

" I'm here with Angel.....you remember him, don't you Buffy?" Courtney asked bitterly. Buffy frowned, her face with no emotion.

" Angel? That bloody ex-peaches of yours?" Spike asked Buffy. She didn't respond.

" Why, yes. Didn't Buffy tell you? It must of been heartbreaking, but I can understand why she didn't tell you." Courtney said, gaining back her game.

" Poor thing." Tiffany huffed.

" Knowing her honey bear left her for me. But it must of been especially hard, since we have been competing for things ever since the first pageant we ran together. And I believe...I won that." Courtney said devilishly, recalling the memory.

" Buffy has always been known to take the back seat to us." Tiffany added.

" Second best must he hard. " Courtney said, a twist to her lips.

" Just like we'll land that spot tonight. Don't mess up." Tiffany said with bitter laughter. And they walked off.

Spike turned to Buffy, trying hard not to let those bints get to him. He looked at her expressionless face. Guessing it was hard to hear about Angel. 'If I see that bloody ponce....' Spikes anger got the best of his thoughts.

"Ey luv, want me to hurt them for ya?" Spike drew out with a casual smile. She shrugged and shook her head, ridding what just happened.

" Nah....maybe later." Buffy said as with a chuckle and smile.

" Don't let them get to you, luv. Your ten times better then them. I'm sure you'll land that opening spot." He re-assured her with a peck on the lips before leaving.

'I'll bloody make sure of it.' Spike thought as he grimaced at his idea, making his way back to his seat.

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" And next up we have Buffy Summers!" The announcer said as Buffy made her way to the opening, strutting down the stage like she owned it. "Wearing this years newest fashion, she has embarked on the journey of....." The announcers words drew out of Spikes ears as he got lost on Buffy.

The fabric was practically see through, and he shut his eyes remembering her body. How she smelled like a rich vanilla..... how she tasted sweet.....

He opened his eyes as she came to the end of the white space, turning on her side, winking, and strutting back to the end where she first appeared from.

'Beautiful.....' His mind told him as she disappeared from view.

Spike was sitting at one of the close sides to the stage, close enough to touch of the near passing models. But all he wanted to touch was Buffy. Just like the rest of the escorts sat next to him. In a few minutes the males beside him awed and oohed as Buffy re appeared in a new attire.

They had moved to the more sexy styles, and Buffy was wearing a low dress that accustomed slits and chains draped over the leather outfit. She carried a whip in one hand, and was fixed with dark black and red make up. Spike's mouth literally dropped open at the sight of her.

'Bad Buffy..... got to love that.' His thoughts traveled down a path, where he willed them not to go, but as she passed again moving by him, he couldn't control them.

" Wow....I'd love to see whats under that." A man leaned in from behind Spike, watching the retreating Buffy. Spike growled in his throat.

'You even try, mate....' He thought.

With each new style, Buffy's expressions changed. From bad to good, from sexy to innocent, elegant to classic.... and it impressed him. And she managed to keep her cool, as the two bits from earlier worked on their winks and trashy smiles on the crowd.

And then he couldn't stand it anymore. If Buffy didn't get that spot....and one of those two did.... she would be heartbroken. 'Second best is going to first today', Spike thought as Courtney appeared again.

As she walked by him, Spike called her name silently, so no one would hear, and winced her off balance. When she threw her head back up to concentrate...it was too late. She had run in face to face with the other women passing, causing an uproar of laughter as he watched the two collide.

'Well lets hope that did the trick...' Spike thought as he saw heads popping up from the back curtain to see what was going on. Buffys head appeared and she gawked at Spike, who winked and shrugged innocently.

-----------------------

" I can't believe you!" Buffy laughed along with Spike, once they reached his room and walked in.

" What? You got the spot, didn't you? Besides, it'll be a night you'll never forget." Spike said with a smile.

" Yeah, but thats beside the point. You said you'd be good." Buffy said as she sat down with a plop on his bed. He pulled her up and whispered in her ear.

" Oh, but I am good, Buffy." He said as he started to kiss her neck, "Very good." She jerked away from him.

" Thats not what I meant." Buffy said. He shrugged.

" Well, I had bloody fun." Spike said as he removed his jacket and tie. She turned around from him.

" Of course. Watching women prance about half naked, sure to gain a male's interest." She said, speaking her thoughts from earlier.

She heard him sigh as his steps came closer to her. Without a hesitation, or a word, he moved his hands.

Suddenly, two cold hands came on her back, unzipping her dress and letting it fall freely to the carpet. His hands went in her hair, and pulled the clip from it, letting it fall to her shoulders. He spun her around and removed her hands that were over her chest shyly, and brought them to her sides.

" Just imagining what was under this", He motioned the dress on the floor with his hands, "I didn't notice any other women."

There was a silence that passed as he looked into her eyes.

" Incase I forget to mention it later on....for what you did tonight....uh, thank you." She whispered.

" Want to?" He said seductively, picking her up and lying her down on his bed.

"Spike-" Buffy began but lost whatever she was about to say as he trailed kisses across her stomach.

" Hmm?"

" Never mind, its not important." She said as she drew his head up and kissed him.

A while later, Buffy lay motionless, cuddled next to Spike. He was asleep now, but she couldn't manage to get to sleep. So many thoughts were racing through her mind.

'He got dressed up, gave me a rose, bought me a necklace, helped me with the questions, played along with Courtney and Tiffany, and got me the job. Why? Why is he doing all this?' Buffy thought as she held his hand mindlessly in hers.

' What is he playing at?.... what am I? This is Spike Johnson for crying out loud! The mans ignorant, arrogant, annoying..... funny. Cute,sexy, caring, supportive, comforting. He has a way to get under my skin, like no one else can. But he wants to help me.' Buffy thought, as she got more confused.

' But I love him for all of it.' Buffy stopped, and felt her heart skip a beat. Complete froze.

'I didn't just say love...I said like...I don't love him. Thats ridiculous. I-I....' Buffy thought with a panic, but thought more into it.

'Oh my God. I love him.' Buffy thought as she tried to get something else from it. Nothing.

She clasped her hand over her necklace, before whispering , "I love you."

She smiled and closed her eyes, holding his hand while she drifted off to sleep.

Having no idea Spike's eyes jolted open as he heard her voice, hearing what she said.

___________________

TBC.......

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Spike woke up early, glancing at his clock it read 6:00. He closed his eyes tightly, and recalled the words that kept him up and wondering most of the night, 'I love you.'

He didn't know what to do. Was she lying? Did she really love him? And a better question.....did he love her? Sure, he wanted to show her love and life, but for him, love was a lethal weapon. A futile disease, slowly sucking the life out of you until you can't sleep, eat, or think without seeing the persons face.

The truth, all of his relationships, ended up royally screwing him.

He had gone that route many times. Too many times. He corrected himself. First, there was Cecily. The love he could never tame, the growing fire he could never put out. He wrote about her, dreamt of her, longed for her. But he never meant anything to her. Thats when he changed everything about himself, you name it he'd done it. He never knew that love could make someone go crazy, just for one woman.

And then Dru.... three words decribed her: One crazy bitch. But he loved that about her. She was a dark beauty, erotic, and seductive. She was like a drug, an addiction he couldn't get enough of. That relationship went to hell in a handbasket. Fast. He swore if thats what love ended like.... he would of shot himself a long time ago.

Getting famous changes your outlook on everything. Theres girls flinging themselves at you. Begging you to take them. That felt great for him at first. To feel wanted, and needed. But that changed real fast. They were easy, didn't provide much of a challenge. He needed the challenge, loved it. Something to beat, something to gain and win. Yep, it was all about the reward.

Then there was Buffy. The first time he saw her it felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. Techniqually, it did, since she ran him over. But one look upon that innocent, independent, beautiful woman was enough to keep his head spinning for days on end. She felt so right under him. And her scent drove him mad. He craved her. He wanted her, more then any woman he wanted in a long while. Since Dru.

And that terrified him. Then he got to know the spitfire, and dove headfirst into the large ocean that was Buffy Summers. He wanted to know everything about her. And the first time they kissed....it felt as if it was the only thing in the world that made sense. But to love her? Can't eat, can't sleep, the whole nine yards love?

To be honest....he didn't have a fucking idea.

He glanced at Buffy, and dragged himself out of bed. Throwing on the nearest pair of black jeans, and black shirt. No time to fix himself up, he grabbed his duster and left his room.

Where would he go? Where could he go? The first idea that came into his mind: A bar.

He just needed to get out of there. Get some air.

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Buffy slowly woke up. Events from last night came washing over her, and she smiled as she drifted into consciousness. She lazily turned on her side, bringing her arm to rest on him. She was surprised as it didn't hit his limp form, but landed on the soft covers. She strained to raise her body, for it to rest on her shoulders as she glanced about. She bent down on the floor, hurrying to dress herself.

'Maybe hes taking a shower.' She thought as she lifted herself out of the warm bed. All hopes came crashing down as she entered the empty tiled room. She furrowed her brow, and walked hurriedly into the living space connecting to the kitchen.

No one. Everything remained still and untouched, like it had last night. She glanced at his rack, and noticed his duster was gone.

'Why didn't he leave a note? Where is he? This early in the morning?' She thought as she glanced at the clock hanging on the wall.

"7:30 in the morning! Where the hell could he be at 7:30 in the morning?!" She thought out loud to herself.

She rushed to the phone, and dialed the memorized number, his cell phone. She bit her lower lip nervously as it rang once, twice, and three times.......and still no answer.

With one long, deep sigh she slammed the phone down, and made her way out of his room, heading for her own.

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Two Days Later

After a long, cold shower, Buffy propped down on her bed in her robe. Her hair still damp. She turned on her television and tried to take her mind off of the bleached boy. No luck.

Suddenly, the telephone rang and an anxious knot exploded in her gut as she reached for it beside her bed.

'Please let it be him. Please let it be him.' Her mind chanted as she answered.

"Hello?" Buffy managed to say.

" Hello Ms. Summers." Wesley's voice came over the phone. She grumbled, clutching her stomach as a neasous feeling came over her.

"Hi Wesley. Whats up?"

" Oh, just bloody sorting out paperwork. I actually rang you to give you a congratulations on a job well done." His voice all to cheery.

" On what?" Buffy asked confused.

" The shoot! Xander gave me your reccomandations, and I've heard you and Mr. Johnson did a great job." The man said.

With a quick glance at her calendar, she realised he was right. There was only one more shoot to be done, and that would be it. The feeling grew in the pit of her stomache again. Perhaps it was because she didn't know if she would see Spike after that.

" Thanks." She said, dazing off.

" Well, I just wanted to inform you that there will be a congratulations party, for everyones hard work. It will be held at the original site, and will be a few hours after the shooting for the last." Wesley informed her.

" Cool, that sounds great." Buffy said. "Listen, I have to go. But I'll see you later. Bye." Buffy said hanging up her phone. She scolded herself, pacing about the room.

'Ring! You stupid phone ring! Come on, where is he?! If there is any kind human soul on the face of the planet, let the damn phone ri-'

"Hello?!" Buffy practically screamed into the reciever as it rung.

" 'Ey, luv." Spike's voice sounded over the other line. His voice had sounded low, and emotionless.

" Spike! Oh my gosh. I was so worried. Where have you been? I've been trying to call, and I went to your room last night but you weren't in." Buffy asked, managing a calm tone.

A moment of silence.

" Uh...just around. Needed to get out for a bit." The same tone came over.

" W-well.... um.... can you come over tonight? I'm cooking and everything. In the sense of dialing, but it will still be good. Around seven? " Buffy said.

" Sure. I have to go. See you soon, pet." He said, before he cut the connection.

With a confused frown, Buffy set the phone down on the reciever slowly.

'That was...odd.' Buffy thought as she sat on her bed. 'But hes coming over in two hours! I have to get ready, make this special.' Buffy thought gleefully as she jumped up. She had decided she was going to tell him tonight.

Tell him she loved him.

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Seven came around all to slowly. Buffy had dressed in a sexy, short white dress. She curled her hair, and made sure she was perfect. This had to be perfect.

She walked back into the kitchen, pulling the chinese out of the cartons, and onto the plates. She carried the food to the table, and set it onto the surface. Glancing at the clock, she hurriedly lit the two candles on the table, giving the scent of vanilla off.

She set the lighter back down on the counter, and rushed to the light switch. She dimmed down the lighting in the room. She walked over to her huge window on the opposite wall, and pulled back the curtains, letting the moon's rays shimmer down into the room.

She placed the rose he gave her a couple of nights ago on a nearby stand, and with one quick nod around the room, she smiled happily and approvingly.

Now all she had to do was wait.

Wait..........

Seconds turned into minutes, minutes turn into a half hour. And a half hour into an hour.

Buffy sat at the table sulking. She crumpled her napkin and threw it on her plate of food, that had gone un touched. She looked at the candles that were burning away, the wax slowly dripping down. She plopped her head on her hands.

All these dreadful questions were racing through her mind. 'Where is he? Why isn't he here? No call, no message, no nothing. What if hes hurt? What if hes....hes....' She couldn't bring herself to even think such a thing.

Suddenly, her door opened slowly, and Spike stepped in. Wearing, what looked like clothes he had slept in the night before. He looked horrible. His eyes red, his clothes crumpled, and that expression on his face was enough to make her jump up and run to him.

She flung herself in his arms, hands clinging to the back of his neck.

"Thank God you're alright! I was so wor-" Buffy stopped mid-sentence as she realised he wasn't hugging her back. She quickly slid her arms down his side, and backed up a couple of inches to see his face.

"Whats wrong? D-did something happen?" She said slowly, dreading the look on his face. She immediately ran her hand on his cheek, searching for an explanation.

His hand came up, and cupped her hand on his face, and brought it down slowly releasing it.

" S-Spike?" Buffy eyed him, and regretted the lights that still remained off.

" I'm sorry." Was his slow reply. She shook her head.

" No, its okay. It was just dinner-"

" Not just dinner." Spike said weakly.

" W-what? Spike, whats wrong? Tell me something. Your scaring me." Buffy said confused.

" I'm nothing." He whispered.

" Where have you been?" Buffy asked, confusion rising in her voice.

" Out." Spike said.

" You keep saying that! Tell me why you didn't call! Or why you have been avoiding me for two days! Damnit tell me something!" The confusion, was automatically washed over with anger.

" I haven't been avoiding you. I have been bloody thinking!" Spike hissed.

" About what?! Whats wrong?" Buffy shouted back. She saw him clench and unclench his fists, and the muscles in his jaws. He shut his eyes tightly, before opening them.

" I don't know. I just need some time to think about things." He said, calming his voice down.

" What things?! Us?! This?!" She said, pointing back at forth between them. Why was he doing this? What was he saying? He needed time off from her?

" Buffy, will you just bloody calm down?!" Spike shouted back.

" Calm down?! How can I calm down?! You look a mess, you haven't called, I haven't seen you in a few days!" Buffy shouted, gulping down the anger. After a few seconds, she calmed her nerves.

" Ever since that night I couldn't stop thinking about you." She admitted, bringing her voice down. A few tears managing to slide down her face.

'God don't cry! Don't cry!' She inwardly kicked herself.

" Buffy don't-" Spike said coming up to her seeing the tears. She immediately backed away.

'Womens greatest weapon.' Spike thought.

" No. D-don't do what? Don't say I wanted to see you? Wanted to feel you? Don't say I couldn't get you out of my head? Or don't say I lo-" Buffy stopped as he cut in.

"Don't!" Spike hissed. Her mind went clear and for a second, she couldn't believe this was happening. She turned her eyes up from the floor back to him.

" I-" Buffy started again.

" Don't." Spike warned again.

" love-"

"No." Spike shook his head.

" ....you." She finished. She saw him inhale and exhale air, before looking at her dangerously.

" No you don't." He said firmly, and dangerously. This gave her all the more courage to go on, backing him into the door.

" Yes I do. I love you." She repeated again, seeing his reaction at the words.

" Its not love, Buffy. I-its.... want, lust.....desire!" Spike snapped.

" So I can say I want you? I need you? But I can't say I love you? Well I do!" Buffy said.

" Bu-"

" I. Love. You." She repeated slowly.

" You don't believe in love." Spike said, before throwing the door open and exiting it.

'Oh no! He is not going to walk away! I'm not going to let him walk away!' She thought sourly, before running out of her door, and catching him before he entered his room. She gripped his arm, turning him around sharply.

" You changed that! You.... you showed me." Buffy said weakly, though she wanted it to come out strong. She cursed herself for the water cascading down her face.

" I didn't show you anything. Will you just-" Spike spoke angrily.

" No! I can't help it." She breathed. " I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about you, I can't get you out of my head. I'm going crazy not seeing you. Not touching you. I love you." She finished with a desperate glance.

" I don't want to hurt you." Spike finally said, as low as her.

" Your hurting me right now." Buffy said as she let go of his wrist, backing up a few paces.

" I can't love you. I'm sorry." He said in a whisper. He watched her look at the ground, then with a daze at him. So much hurt relevant in her eyes, and tears and her ruined make up on her cheeks. All he wanted to do was grab her, hug her, kiss her, tell her everything was alright. But he caused this pain.

" N-no its fine." Buffy said finally, walking back clumsily. " Just forget it." She said, managing to run to her room and shut it with a fierce slam.

Spike tilted back his head to rest on his door. 'What did I do?' He kept asking himself, banging his head on the door. He wiped his eyes with the palm of his hands, to keep them from coming down on his face.

After a few moments of blank staring at the spot where she had just been, he walked in his room, slamming the door shut.

------------------------

As soon as she ran into her room, she rested her head on the door. Her legs gave out in agony, and she slid to the floor.

The room was dead silent, except the sobs and cries of the blonde girl, still on the floor. She never felt like this. Like someone had sucked the life out of her. She felt like she couldn't speak, couldn't breathe, couldn't feel. Her heart felt like it had been ripped from her body.

After a period of a few minutes, she slid her hands up her face, wiping fiercely at her eyes, trying to hold back the tears stinging her face. It was no use, they kept coming.

She gribbed the flat surface of the floor, before slowly lifting herself up off of it with shakey legs.

She gribbed the metal necklace hanging on her neck, and tore it off of her. She clung it in her clenched hand strongly, not feeling the droplets of blood from the metal digging into her skin.

With one slow movement, she opened her palm and let it slide to the floor.

She dragged herself into her bedroom, laying on the soft covers, her face burried in a pillow, hoping to drown out her crying sounds. Her body shook violently as she sucked in much needed air, having it come out as a sob.

She slid her arms around her stomache, bringing herself in a small position. She closed her eyes, willing herself to try and sleep or stop crying, but she knew she couldn't do either.

As long as his voice was still ringing in her mind and ears:

'I can't love you.'

______________

TBC........

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